People Justify Their Actions In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
16. AITJ For Refusing To Give My Niece's Partner My Personal Account Info?
“When our parents passed away, our dad and then a few years later, our mom, my younger brother, and sister wanted to keep us all together. So, when my sister purchased her first home, we all stayed together. Then, my niece and her significant other moved in, as well. For reference, it had always been our parents, I’m the oldest and then it was my brother and sister.
We’ve had our share of fights but always ended up sticking with each other through it all.
My niece and nephew are my sister’s children. My niece has been driving my mom nuts and it got to the point where my sister told me to stop bringing things up with my niece so I stopped talking to her. She thinks (that is, my niece) that everyone is out to get her.
Well, her partner has managed to annoy my brother (over the guy’s camper because my brother stacked a pallet upside it, camper’s a piece of trash), managed to drive my sister up the wall by constantly ranting and moaning, and has recently started driving me up the wall and ended up annoying me as well.
I and my sister pay for the cable bill, along with the internet (through Comcast, we have Xfinity xFi with their Gateway modem).
He hasn’t paid or offered to pay for any part of it. He now has a new son with my niece. Rather than spending his stimulus on his child, he buys a $2,000 gaming computer (not my problem). Then, he starts complaining to my sister about the connection speed. Over the past week, he’s driven me insane over his WIFI router and connection speeds and it all hit a boiling point and he wants my account information for Comcast.
He has a hard-on for GIGABIT connection speeds (we have the 300mbps plan), it’s good enough for everyone in the family, and he keeps going on how it’s only $20 (looked on some website at different Comcast plans, they were wrong, of course); he’s cheap. Oh, he wants the faster speeds to play videogames online. He’s getting the same speeds in the basement as we are upstairs.
So, he decides to go full-on cuckoo and asks me for my account information with Comcast. First, he drives me insane over his WIFI router, then says he took a computer class so he knows everything and now he wants my account information. As everyone knows, they ask you for identifying information, privacy information related to your identity. Did he actually think I would allow him access to that information? I told him ‘no’ and that I don’t give that information out to anyone.
The last thing I wanted him to do was to dump on Comcast and have that experience interrupt my service much less give him the ability to add new services to my account (I’m on a limited income and can’t afford an extra $80 per month), our bill is already $170 monthly. Maybe he should have worried about his baby instead of a $2,000 computer.
AITJ for my actions here? I look at it as he wants access to my social security number, my credit card number, and my other private information that I don’t share with anybody.
Update: I had thought I took the right approach because I’ve been doubting my personal choices in decision-making. I had no idea that this would generate so many similar opinions. The ‘guest’ in our home was becoming an entitled jerk and I wasn’t sure how to handle it or rather I handled it correctly.
Second, I realize now that Gigabit internet plans aren’t all that necessary and that I found out that there is nothing out there that requires 1,000 MBPS for online gaming.
I really appreciate the advice on how to handle this.
My decision? I’m not upgrading. The 300mbps plan is sufficient for our immediate family. If he continues to complain about it, I’m just going to disable his gaming desktop from my network for a few days and see if that changes his attitude. If he continues to complain, I’ll just shut off his access permanently and suggest he get his own internet connection downstairs.
I’m just getting too old for this high school drama (I gave up on the drama when I graduated from high school many years ago) from people who think they know more about technology than our cable provider or the IT professionals who have offered their advice.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I get the point with a gaming rig and the wifi, I actually got it myself.
It’s really nice. On the other hand, it’s stuff that I paid with my pay raise I got a couple of months back and I was sure its finances can carry out.
But – 1Gb/s is overblown, I was completely fine with 200gb/s and the difference is not that big honestly, and doesn’t really make sense in any way. In fact, I’ll either go back to 500gb/s at the next best opportunity or upgrade my wifi home network because the benefit is so low in relation to the costs.
The biggest issue was that the home network couldn’t keep up with it, so you’ll have to follow up costs. I needed to get new cables because the old stuff wasn’t 1000 GB certified and I could see on my router it wasn’t doing GB work done of the connections. Then you need the right Wi-Fi setup. 802.11ac standard is rated for a theoretical 1.3 Gb/s but in practice comes in around 200 mb/s.
This correlates to my own experience, despite me going out of the way having a proper mesh network in place to ensure optimal connectivity. I stood my computer next to the access point for testing purposes. However you look at it unless you also upgrade your whole internal network and that’s a lot of moolah – it just doesn’t make sense unless you use it professionally and can deduct it from taxes or so.” YetAnotherGuy2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
For starters, that’s personal info, you don’t need to give it out. Additionally, you mentioned he’s the only one with internet issues. If he doesn’t like the WiFi speeds HE needs to pay for the add-on or come to some compromise that makes it fair to everyone.
Perhaps it will serve as a wake-up call for him in regards to budgeting, as he could set aside $$ from his stimulus checks or other savings to foot the bill for extra internet if he wants it that badly.
You mention how he claims it’s only $20. If it’s such a little amount then he shouldn’t have a problem paying for it, especially when you pay for the rest of the internet!” Strawberry_73
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – if you wanted to be really petty, change the WiFi password and tell him when they start contributing to the household expenses he gets it back. Or randomly shut the router off while he’s the mid-game and then be like ‘I don’t know what happened! Let me reset it!’ And then turn it back on.” BakingGiraffeBakes
15. AITJ For Giving My Partner The Silent Treatment After He Won't Drive Me To The Hospital?
“I (23F) suffered a seizure and was diagnosed with brain cancer because of an orange size tumor I had. I recently got the tumor taken out and, due to the seizure that I had, I won’t be able to drive for a while so I don’t have any way to get to my appointments or go to the grocery store, etc. without taking public transportation/Uber and after chemotherapy that’s not the best option, especially with the global situation and having cancer, my immune system is even worse than normal.
Now here’s the problem. I asked my partner (24M) who has been unemployed for the last couple of years (his parents pay for everything and he lives with them about 2 hours from where I live because I moved for college) if he could move in with me for 3 months to help me with driving etc.
He wouldn’t be paying for anything because I have rent paid for the next few months in my apartment and he lives with his parents so he wouldn’t have to make a huge move or anything, just bring enough clothes and necessities and maybe some food but I have most of that covered too.
I didn’t think this was a huge ask since I lived with him and his family for 3 months for other reasons at the beginning of the year but he got really upset saying he can’t leave his family in 2020, even though his whole family is together and they all have each other and I’m completely alone in another city with no support system.
I got upset at his response and cried a lot and told him I felt like he didn’t care about me because he always puts his family ahead of me and I really need him now and if he’s gonna be that way, I’m not sure if I want to be with him.
I also did put him down and say he has no backbone and now I haven’t talked to him for a day because of it and I’m not sure if I should apologize and say it’s okay that he won’t drive me, if I have anything to apologize for or if I’m justified for being upset with him.
EDIT: I’m 3 weeks post-operation and due to start chemotherapy/radiation in a couple of weeks as my oncologists and I make a plan for my care.
Luckily brain cancer is actually one of the most survivable cancers and the tumor that I have (APXA) has a high rate of survival, no recurrence after treatment, and primary brain tumors rarely spread! I had a craniotomy so basically, they cut open my skull and sucked out as much of the tumor they could and the fluid that surrounded it.
UPDATE: I ended up giving up my job because I wasn’t able to come in anymore and move back to my parents’ house.
I gave up my apartment and basically all of my autonomy because my recovery process is definitely going a lot slower than I wanted or intended and my savings ran out. I wish I had a better update and that I was happier and feeling better. My parents take me to my appointments that happen every couple of weeks but they live 4 hours from my hospital so I have to make that trip every week with them to get my treatment.
I am consistently nauseous because of all of the medicine I am taking and mentally clouded because of my anti-seizure medicines.
I talked to my partner after posting and he did admit that seeing me in pain and as sick as I am is really scary for him and that was a large part of the reason that he did not want to move in with me during this time.
I understand and I can see how terrible it would be to see your partner in this way so I understand… I am still with my partner but our relationship is strained and I’m not sure what the future holds. I have not seen him in person since June when he first visited me after my surgery for a couple of days but he plans to come to see me soon again at my parents’ house.
He does feel bad about me losing my apartment and he did show me he is trying to start a freelance business to earn so that he can help me move back out and hopefully into a place with him but I’m not quite sure if that will happen any time soon.
Physically I’m starting to do better and if everything goes well, I will finish my radiation in September and hopefully, my scans come up with no regrowth.
I will have to get MRI scans for the next 5 years every 3-6 months to monitor my brain and then annually after 5 years until my doctors believe I am in total remission and hopefully eventually cured.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Look, you have cancer and you need someone to drive you to chemo for a few months. This is the time when you need to be able to rely on the people in your life.
This is the time when you need to be able to rely on your partner. You can’t, and now you know.
This would be the end of the relationship for me, because what even is the point of staying with someone when you know beyond any doubt that when it comes down to it, you definitely can’t rely on him. I would honestly expect better from a casual friend, so he’s essentially relegated himself to the status of ‘acquaintance’ in your life because that’s the category where you put people who you don’t care much about either way.
There’s just no way for the relationship to come back after that.
For the record, my opinion about your partner’s jerk-rashness would be different if your prognosis was different. Driving someone around and bringing them food for 3 months while they’re sick as they get better isn’t nearly as big an ask, emotionally speaking, as driving someone around and bringing them food for 3 months as they slowly waste away and be gone.
You still wouldn’t be a jerk to ask and to expect it from him, but I’d have a much harder time calling him a jerk for not being able/willing to deal with that.” alyra
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but once you have processed your emotions, start a dialogue with him about your mutual expectations of a partner and/or relationship. It sounds like there’s some disconnect between what you both think is the minimum expected standard and what is ‘going above and beyond’.
I feel for you. I had a health scare once and needed an MRI of my brain. The appointment was in a hospital that was really hard to get to by public transport and I was very scared. My then-fiance, who I lived with, made a fuss about driving me (because of traffic) and eventually, very grudgingly, agreed to drop me off. I was alone through the whole procedure.
In the end, I was more upset by his lack of care than the prospect of having a tumor.
Luckily, I was fine, but that event made me realize how often my fiance let me down. I recognized that he saw any basic task that he performed as a big favor, not just what couples/adults do. Conversely, he would do ANYTHING, for his family. When I pointed this out, he told me his family put pressure on him and guilted him into things.
He didn’t think a girl should do the same ‘if she loved him’. The disconnect between us was, I am an independent person. I rarely feel comfortable asking for help or showing vulnerability, but thought the one person I should be able to rely on was him! Nope. Fatal incompatibility.
No matter how ‘good’ you know they can be or how much you love them, the constant disappointment will breed resentment and if you can’t work it out, you are just wasting your time.” bethan2406
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but are you sure you want to stay with this guy? I have a friend who is going out with a guy who never puts her first, his family always comes first.
Their relationship was new (a year) I thought it would just take time for him to really accept what it means when he said he loves her and wants to marry her, it would mean she comes first because she is now his immediate family. But 3 years in, nothing has changed. Any school break he has, he goes back to his parents, won’t let her come with and he always refuses vacations with her instead.
He’ll make arrangements to FaceTime 1-2 times a week while he’s at his parents but only send her 2-3 texts at night and ghost her during the entire day. She has never once come first to him when his family is involved and he always chooses them over their relationship.
You are so strong you have already gone through so much. I am so sorry he wouldn’t even consider moving out for just 3 months.
Obviously, it is temporary but as your gf, I really don’t see how he could just write that off. Now if his parents were also immunocompromised and could not go out at all and had no support system to help out, that is fair and would be a ‘no jerks here’ situation but it sounds like his parents are just fine and he just will not prioritize you.
I understand with relationships it takes time to become a priority over parents, happened in my own relationship because it doesn’t get serious right away, but your partner really is showing you who he is and I’m afraid it will always be that way. You’re going through one of the hardest things someone can go through in life and he has not had your back. When you’re in a relationship you have to be there for good and bad.
I’m so glad you are almost finishing up with treatment and that your chances are so low in the future, that is incredible. You have a full and wonderful life ahead of you, you deserve to spend it with someone who is always there for you, good, bad, easy, and difficult.” reaperr99
14. AITJ For Planting Flowers By Our Mailbox?
“We have a garden planted by our mailbox that’s full of orange butterfly grass as well as some other flowers. We’ve planted it for the caterpillars, butterflies, and other pollinators they attract and the garden is currently chock-full of bumblebees. We planted the garden 4 years ago and the butterfly grass has come back every year since and will continue to do so as they’re perennials.
Today we received what I feel is a passive-aggressive message from our mail carrier. On a package, there was a post-it note attached that read ‘maybe next year you can plant flowers for bees away from the mailbox so your mail carrier does not get stung.’ I’m not actually sure if they got stung or if they’re not a fan of the bees. Personally, I’ve been right up on the flowers with the bees and they’ve not been aggressive.
They’re just doing their thing collecting pollen and whatnot.
So my question is, am I the jerk for planting flowers that attract bees by my mailbox? Would I be the jerk if I leave the flowers? Like I said above, they’re perennials so they’re coming back next year unless I dig them up, and I have no intention at this point in doing that. I want to leave the flowers and I don’t actually think the bees are hurting anyone.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
The carrier can refuse to deliver to your box while bees are present, though. There is a proper form for requesting that a customer take safety measures for their mailbox (mailbox needs attention form) but they probably didn’t have it in their truck. The other problem you face here is that mail carriers can request insect spray and may spray your bees with poison if they choose to continue delivery.” Miserable-Mortgage
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Unless bees were provoked, they don’t tend to sting. I get the feeling the mail carrier might not be a fan of bees but to leave a passive-aggressive note is a bit uncalled for. Even if they did get stung, it’s not like you control or harvest the bees so that seems a little silly. Not to invalidate them, but I feel they should have handled it differently.
Onto your flowers. You stated in your post that you’ve planted in the spot for the last four years and haven’t received a single complaint. Unless you actually get a formal complaint from neighbors or that mailman personally expresses that he is allergic to bees, I don’t think there’s a need to move it.” User
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to go with YTJ here. If you planted it 4 years ago and the mailman just now left a note suggesting you replace those flowers with other plants, it’s likely he did get stung, and you don’t know if he’s allergic to bees or not. Even if he’s not, getting stung isn’t pleasant. He very well could have been stung at least once. The mailman does you a service by coming by every day to deliver mail, the least you can do is to relocate the bee-attracting plants elsewhere.” WeaverFan420
13. AITJ For Not Refunding A Girl For A Dress Despite My Return Policy?
“So basically I (19f) am really into sewing clothes and I’ve gotten pretty good at it after years of practice. As a side hustle, I make people custom dresses for events (prom, dances, parties, graduation, etc.) This is not a full-time job by any means (I’m in college) but just a way for me to turn my hobby into some financial gain and I run this primarily on an Instagram page.
(Also worth noting, I’m obviously aware I’m not a professional and my prices are much cheaper than what you could buy on the market, and generally people are happy with the results).
I have a return policy where if I’ve already bought materials/started making (or already finished) a dress, I will give a 50% refund as long as the customer sends me proof of the date of their event and return the dress before that date.
This is to prevent people from wearing the dress to prom or whatever and then trying to return it the next day (which I feel is dishonest, and has unfortunately happened before).
A girl recently ordered a dress for an event that was on June 2nd. I finished the dress and gave it to her on May 18th. She messaged on the 23rd saying her event had been canceled and she’d like to return it, and I said sure.
But then I took a look at her Instagram story and saw that she had already worn the dress to a different event the night before, so I messaged saying I would not give her a refund.
She got mad, saying she followed my return policy exactly and I had already agreed to the return. The thing is, I primarily offer refunds because I know sometimes events get canceled or people end up not being able to attend for reasons out of their control, or sometimes the dress ends up not really being what they wanted, doesn’t make them feel confident, etc.
so I try to be flexible, and that was clearly not the case here as the girl had worn the dress out to a different event. The other thing is I usually sell the returned dresses ‘off the rack’ at a discounted price, and I don’t really feel comfortable doing that with a dress that’s been worn already, so I would just be losing funds on this dress.
But it’s true that she did technically follow my return policy and I had agreed already, so IDK.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Denying the refund would be in the spirit of your refund policy, as it seems fairly obvious this girl is just trying to find a loophole.
At the same time, I would be careful regarding the wording of what you offer – do you mention ‘unworn’ in your return policy at all? If you just say ‘proof that your intended event has been canceled’ and make no mention of having worn it in advance, then what the girl is doing isn’t actually against your rules.
If it was intentional then presumably she is also taking the risk of not having the dress ready, given you were supplying it for a later event and not necessarily having it done in time for an earlier date. So she is morally in the wrong, but you may be in the wrong when it comes to the legality of consumer protection rules.
If your return policy includes some variation of ‘proof of event being canceled, and dress is unworn’ then you have all the proof that you need and are in the right to refuse.
So you are not a jerk for refusing, but it is worth being careful and considering your position before you do – accepting one loss and rewriting your return policy for the future may be the safest way out here…” nrsys
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So I am not giving legal advice here. If you find out she did wear it, you can revoke the refund no problem.
Save the Instagram post, message her restating that you cannot refund something that has been worn which she admitted to her on her social media page. That is a standard return policy for all stores. I never worked at one retail store that took back clothes that were worn. This is especially true in a health crisis where she did not disclose that she wore it.
She wore the dress to an event. Just because she didn’t wear it to her intended event does not negate that she wore it to an event already.
Personally, I would not accept refunds if you have already made a dress or purchased the materials. Once you buy the items, that’s it. Regardless of if their event is canceled or not, you have already planned out the dress and set aside time for that job.
Your time is valuable. If you do feel bad about canceled events, then I suggest a nonrefundable deposit. The client can ask for a refund for a canceled event (with proof) up until the dress is sent out. At that point, you keep the deposit amount and refund whatever is leftover. I would not do refunds on anything you already sent to the customer unless there is an issue with the dress itself (like a seem came undone, fit issue, etc.).” Murderbunny13
Another User Comments:
“Standard contract law in America (and I believe other countries modeled on England’s legal system) has rules for this type of situation.
As for you agreeing to the return — if she wants to play the technical contract game, join her. Contracts are there to memorialize a meeting of the minds and require consideration to be binding. Your policy, although not explicit on this point, has in practice and does in spirit, assume that returns are only if the dress can’t be worn. Her representing that the event was canceled, when she’d already worn the dress to another event, was a material misrepresentation.
AKA, a fact important enough that the contract hinges on it, and is untrue. Because the return policy reflects people not being able to wear the dress when she DID wear it. Once there’s a material misrepresentation from either party, there is no longer a meeting of the minds (because she thinks that she must wear it to THE event or else she’s entitled to a refund, while you think she only gets a refund if she can’t wear it to ANY event) and the contract is no longer binding.
Also, there was no consideration (money) for the return. The was for the dress. If she paid an extra fee to be able to return it, on top of what she paid for the dress itself, then I’d say you need to let her return it, but otherwise, I’d argue that the contract wasn’t binding even if you HAD agreed on the terms, since she didn’t pay for it.
NTJ. There’s always that person that thinks being technically correct is the best kind of correct. And I agree with other commenters that you should change your policy. Even if events do get canceled, that’s not a reason for YOU to take the risk of loss vs the person going to the event. If they want a returnable dress, they can buy it from places that aren’t making it to order. If they want a bespoke dress, they take the risk of not being able to return it. They can always sell it themselves or save it for another event.” TinkEsquire
12. AITJ For Waiting A Day To Tell Someone They Broke My Phone?
“My husband (DH) & I went to a wedding, were seated with his college roommate (RM), and RM’s wife (RMW). For context, l am not close to RM or RMW.
RMW got VERY wasted.
DH & I were laughing because our photobooth pics were terrible. I offered to show RMW how bad they were so she could laugh too. I turned on my phone flashlight so she could see.
RMW hit my phone out of my hand saying ‘Why are you using my phone!?’
I picked it up & said, ‘This is my phone, not yours.’ (iPhone v android)
When I turn the flashlight off I notice my screen is shattered. I said to DH, ‘RMW shattered my screen.’
I ask DH to say something. He didn’t want to bring it up & put a damper on the evening.
I press further & he said since we didn’t know the cost to fix it he would text RM in the am since RMW was so wasted it wouldn’t be a productive convo. He also didn’t want to bring it up in front of others at the table so RMW wouldn’t feel called out.
The next morning DH texts RM to tell him RMW broke my phone last night & it was $145 to fix.
RM said that it was no problem but wishes I told them the night before, DH replied saying he told me not to bring it up. RM paid DH.
Later RMW texts me: ‘Hey, not sure why I found out about this whole phone thing from (RM) via (DH)… just wish you would’ve come to me directly, kinda not cool the way you guys handled this.’
I replied, ‘Sorry, (DH) specifically asked me not to bring it up because he didn’t want to put a damper on anyone’s evening.
I wanted to address it right away, but per his request, I didn’t mention it.’
RMW replied saying ‘Sure, sure. I get it. From our perspective though, we had no idea that anything had even happened so it was pretty frustrating to find out the next day when we could have just dealt with it in person.’
I didn’t respond, since I already apologized. Later she texts again.
RMW: ‘Hey, so I’ve been thinking about this all day & am pretty upset about it, given that in addition to everything we gave you guys $145, for something that we know nothing about, it seems reasonable to me for you to provide some sort of explanation of what happened.’
I replied: ‘When I was using my phone as a flashlight to show you our pictures from the photo booth, you asked why I was using your phone and knocked it out of my hand onto the ground shattering the screen.
At the moment (DH) didn’t think it was appropriate nor useful to bring it up when we had no idea how much it would cost to get fixed.’
RMW replied: ‘Well, things like this certainly don’t get better with time & I am pretty thoroughly annoyed. Because you didn’t talk to me at the moment, this feels rather cryptic and I do not necessarily agree with us paying for this.
We care about you both as friends & will pay for it as you asked, but this was handled extremely poorly on your end, & I would just hope that in the future you communicate more directly, as this could all have been very easily avoided.’
So… AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, I think you both have a point. Obviously, you couldn’t have discussed this with her while she was wasted, but you should have texted her instead of making your husband text her husband (she’s not a child).
Texting them in the morning can honestly look a bit sketchy from their point of view – you could have damaged the phone after the party and decided to blame it on the wasted girl. But I agree with not wanting to make a ‘scene’ at the wedding. There was probably no best solution here. Let me add though that I don’t think I would have made them pay for the damage – bringing fragile objects close to a wasted person doesn’t seem like the smartest thing to do.” lactosefreepotato
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and tbh it feels like she’s just making excuses or she’s upset because she feels like she got, ‘told on to teacher’ instead of it just being your husband passing on the message through her husband.
Like you said, you didn’t even know how much it would cost to fix so you couldn’t have just ‘dealt with it then and there’ anyways.
The only way I could see it being reasonable to be upset about this is if they don’t trust that you’re telling the truth and are thinking that you’re actually trying to pin the blame on them for something that happened later on in the evening because you thought they might be too wasted to remember.
You said you’re not close to either of them, so I think that’s more on your husband to deal with, which further reinforces why he’s the one trying to deal with it.” Korrin
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I can see why you waited until the next day to chat, after a day of drinking. I can understand why they would request an explanation for a broken screen, especially since you didn’t volunteer that information.
The only thing I see a bit bad is you didn’t reach out to her yourself. Your husband reached out, on your behalf, to his friend, about something his wife did. But that’s just a bit impersonal, not jerk-ish.” Mead_the_Honey_Bee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you want to be technically polite while still getting a dig in, you could text her again and apologize saying, you’re sorry for not explaining why you didn’t tell her the night of but that your reluctance was entirely due to her extreme wastedness.
And then tell her that since she doesn’t remember the ‘accident’ or how wasted she was you would be happy to ask around for people who can describe her other wasted or belligerent behaviors that night in some detail. Get a brief list and mention them in your text. Like tossing the other person’s phone onto the table. Cuz, ya know, you want to be sure she understands that this was a regrettable wasted accident and not actual fraud on your part!!!” SnooFoxes4362
11. AITJ For Pointing Out That My Sister Is Now The Fat One?
“I (currently 26M) made a huge mistake when I was in high school and started stress eating absurd amounts of food. Consequently, I gained a lot of weight and went from being on the low side of normal weight to being obese. My eating habits didn’t change for years, so I was obese through high school and college. Throughout that entire period, my family members used this as an opportunity to attack me for my weight, even though none of them are healthy and athletic themselves.
My sister, who is 2 years younger than I am, was particularly rude about this, and constantly called me fat and ugly for years. She used to call me by the names of fat characters from movies, claim that I was any fat character on a commercial or tv show, and make fun of me any time I ate anything unhealthy. For this and several other reasons, now that I’ve moved out, I’ve minimized my interactions with her, and only have to talk to her when we are both home at the same time for holidays.
Two years ago, I (with the support of friends here), made a commitment to being healthier so that I could be happier about myself, and through a lot of dieting and intense exercising, I lost all of my excess weight and went back to being on the low side of normal. I now exercise every single day, being very calorie and carb-conscious (I weigh my food before I eat it now because I found that measuring cups were not accurate), and try to eat at least 30g of protein with every meal (I’m also strength training now).
When I went home to see my family last winter, they were all shocked at how much weight I had lost, and while my parents were happy for me, my sister was irritated. She kept commenting on my refusal to eat carbs, desserts, and snacks and also started saying that I should write a bestselling book about how I lost so much weight. At that point, I got frustrated and noticed that I now weigh less than her, so I returned the favor and asked her if she was just mad that she was now the fat one.
She immediately got mad and started screaming at me before running off to complain to my mom. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here and you’re a jerk because you stooped to her level and did the stuff she did to you that was hurtful and you hated. What she did was wrong, and what you did was wrong… but her doing wrong and you paying her back doesn’t justify it or make it less wrong.
But I’m also not against it I think she deserved it for being a jerk so embrace that you were a jerk back for a moment. To everyone saying don’t dish what you can’t take an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. How about instead of getting revenge and doing to others what they did to you guys building some character and dignity and rising above that nonsense? What you do reflects on your character.
No one’s going to say well she only did x because the other person did x to her, they’re going to see both of you as petty jerkheads and you like an even bigger one for consciously going out of your way/taking the opportunity to do it back knowing how trashy it was in the first place.” Zygomaticus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. To start, you DIDN’T make a mistake in high school.
You developed an unhealthy relationship, an addiction, to food as a coping mechanism. Your family made the mistake of not trying to help you with it in a healthy manner. Addiction of any kind is a disease, and as a child, it should have been your parents’ responsibility to take a healthy course of action to help you get healthy. That they instead ridiculed you and allowed your sibling to be so toxic towards you is full stop their failure.
None of that is on you.
You’ve now done what you should which is owning up to having a problem and showing the strength and fortitude to own that behavior and be responsible for it and thus not engaging in it. You’ve essentially put a treatment plan in place for yourself. Your sister’s behavior, though, continues to be toxic. Yeah, maybe not best to push her buttons like that, but we can’t be expected to be perfect when someone is trying to rouse a response from us.” Glowurm1942
Another User Comments:
“Everyons sucks here.
There is so much fat-shaming in your house! Like wow! Does your family know that gaining weight doesn’t actually make you a bad person and is not that big of a deal? People gain and lose weight all the time!
Sounds like you reached the end of your rope with your sister, so lashing out is totally natural, but it still wasn’t nice. You could apologize and take it as an opportunity to point out that how she felt when you lashed out is how she makes/made you feel all the time when she picked on you.
She sounds super toxic. I don’t know, either she thought she was being funny with the fat-shaming, she is really insecure, or she was getting back at you for something you did that annoyed her (like you were the favorite or beat her up or something). There’s something there… She could just be really immature though. But she doesn’t sound like a super confident person. Maybe that’ll help make apologizing easier?
Congrats on the weight loss! And it is REALLY annoying when people get all fussy about what you’re eating. I HATE that. People are so unsupportive of other people’s diets. Hang in there! And keep it up!” Representative_Rain9
10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Give My Book To My Grandparents?
“My grandparents and I never had a great relationship, they are living far from me, always finds excuses for not coming to see us (they are retired while my parents are working full time and I was doing 4 hours of train per day to go to my school) but was seeing my uncle and his family often (my uncle is almost as far from them than my family), they are really greedy.
The final straw was when I needed to do a loan to buy a computer for my studies, so I asked them to be my guarantor (for personals reasons my parents weren’t able to be the guarantor). They said yes but took almost 2 months to send the papers (they have internet, a computer, and a scan). I’m pretty sure they were afraid to spend anything on that loan.
I needed the computer to do some important homework and instead of having 2 months, I had to do it in like on the week.
So last year, I had to do an internship as a graphic designer. I was working for an important rugby club in France and they asked me to work on a book that tells how the club was made with pictures, texts, and everything.
I was really proud of it. My dad is a huge fan of this club so, when the books were published in a few copies, I’ve asked him to come to celebrate with everyone in the club. It was a small but great party that ended with a rugby match. It was our day.
They gave us two copies, one for me and one for my dad.
Sometime later, my grandparents came to visit us. Before that, my dad told them about the book and they were unhappy that I didn’t have a copy for them like they were entitled to it. I hate this kind of behavior, so I told them that I wasn’t able to do that because they only have printed a limited amount of books (true).
Just before they leave, they asked me to dedicate their book.
I was shocked. My dad gave them his copy because they were whining about ‘how we can show how our granddaughter is important’ and ‘we deserve that book.’ I was so annoyed. So when they gave me the book, I just put my name on it and told them to go away. They were angry and leave my bedroom while saying that ‘we’re gonna write/draw a better thing as it was from you’.
Now my copy is in my dad’s office because I think it’s the best place to put it so he can still have a memory of that day.
Am I the jerk for wanting to give them a book and being mad that they stole my dad’s copy?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your grandparents sure suck though. It was very nice of you to give your father your personal copy as well. I’m pretty sure that makes the book even more special to him.” WombatInferno
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your grandparents suck! If you had a spare copy fair enough, but it was important for your dad for a number of reasons, and you are a kind daughter to keep your copy in your dad’s office.” shan_nannyof_2
9. AITJ For Telling A Friend That Our Other Friends Were Laughing At Her?
“I have a group of 5 friends (25-27F) that I met at uni. We’ve been friends for 7 years at this point and I would say that we’re all mostly equally close, except that some of us live closer to each other than others and hang out more often.
One of the girls in this group is Ana. Ana is probably closest to me out of everyone because we moved to the same city after uni so we hang out often.
We all have one main group chat on Whatsapp which has all of us in, and then we have a couple of splinter group chats where it has some people but not all, like a chat for people who live in the same place or were going to the same event. One of these is the chat we made to plan Ana’s surprise birthday party last year.
It has everyone in it except Ana. We haven’t used the chat since her birthday.
Recently, Ana has tried getting into TikTok. She’s been making short comedy videos and posting them on her Twitter as well as in the main group chat. I don’t know how to say this nicely but they’re really not very good and they’re quite cringy. I’ve helped her film a few and I’ve tried to support her in making them because she enjoys them, but honestly, a lot of them are very embarrassing to watch.
Last week I got an alert from the non-Ana Whatsapp chat to say that people were posting in it again. I thought that was weird. I opened the messages and saw that one of our friends had posted one of Ana’s TikToks and was making fun of it. The others had joined in by posting her other videos and laughing at them. I did NOT join in and I made a few comments saying that Ana had a good time making them and that was the main thing.
I decided to tell Ana that this was happening. This is where I might be the jerk. My logic was that I would want to know in her shoes that my friends had betrayed me. I felt bad knowing something she didn’t. When I told her, Ana got mad. She asked for screenshots of the chat but some of the specific things they said about the videos would have really upset her so I told her it wasn’t a good idea.
She then said that I’d been mean to support and enable her to make TikToks if they were really bad. I told her I just wanted to support her hobby that she enjoyed, but she said I was as guilty as our other friends and felt very betrayed. She has now blocked all of us. My other friends are mad that I told her what they said in a private group, and Ana is mad at me too.
I feel pretty awful and I’m really torn over whether I did the right thing or not.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
They planned a surprise party. They all like her. They were specifically talking about her cringey videos. Is it nice to gossip? Of course not. But it wasn’t hurting her. They didn’t include her in the chat because they knew it would hurt her feelings.
You blew it out of proportion by telling her.
Now her feelings are hurt and she doesn’t have friends.
What was the purpose of telling her?
Idk maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t tell my friends when another friend makes a sly comment. What’s the point? Unless it’s consistent bashing to the point where it actually is hurting them indirectly somehow, stay out of it and let people vent.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but that doesn’t mean you made the best decision.
Personally, I think it would have been better to speak with your friends about their behavior first and give them a chance to see the error of their ways.
Now there’s no going back, and it seems like you shot yourself in the foot while you were at it.
If you weren’t going, to be honest with your friend about your negative opinion on her TikTok, why should you hold the moral high ground when your other friends felt the same way and were just more open about it?
Your friends are guilty too of course, and I’m not saying you’re as bad as them for mocking a supposed friend.
They used the same group which was meant for her surprise birthday; I don’t wanna know what degree they have if they were too dumb to see the irony there.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You the least. Other people have gone into why your friends are the jerks, so I’ll just talk about you.
Imagine this wasn’t a group chat, but just you and one of the other friends.
If they had joked about Anna in a mean way, and you had responded as you had in the group, ie ‘Anna had a good time making them’, then you went to straight to Anna without ever relaying your true thoughts to the friend and told Anna what friend had said, then this would be an obvious breach of trust, and most people would agree that you were just crap-stirring.
The fact that it is a group and not a one on one conversation makes you less of a jerk than the above scenario, but either way, by remaining neutral in the group, you essentially went along with what your friends were saying, seemingly happy for them to say these mean things, then went behind their backs and spilled everything to Anna.
People are allowed to say things in private to each other, and whilst you have no obligation to not relay those things directly to the people they care about, you’re still the jerk for doing it without ever confronting your friends.” Baby_Rhino
8. AITJ For "Disrespecting" Japanese Culture By Wearing Shoes?
“I’m a young professional living in a major city in the U.S., and I live in a group home with 5 other 20-somethings. Our house is an old, four-story row home that was built in the 1920s, and although we keep it neat and clean, some parts of the house are just a little worn down from being a group home for so long. For example, the first floor of the house is all wood flooring, and although we sweep and vacuum it regularly, it is a bit dirty from the accumulated years of footsteps.
One of my new roommates is a very close friend of mine from college who just moved to our city after living and working in Japan for almost 5 years. He’s been a kind and considerate roommate, and I love spending time with him. However, he recently told me that he’s planning on asking everyone in the house to take off their shoes in the entryway since it really bothers him when people wear shoes inside.
He talked about how, in Japan, everyone takes their shoes off before entering a house and puts on slippers, so as to keep the floor clean. While I want to be respectful of his wants and needs as a housemate, I am absolutely unwilling to take off my shoes EVERY time I enter the house. I also don’t own a pair of ‘house slippers’ like he does, and I frankly do not want to spend coins on some.
Our entryway is also very narrow, and it’s already getting cluttered by all of HIS shoes that he takes off before coming inside, so I don’t think it’s feasible for all 6 of us to take off our shoes.
More than that, he suggested that we all deep clean the flooring on the first floor of the house, which would definitely require a ton of work and potentially paying a professional.
He says that the dirty floor also really bothers him, and wants it to be clean so his house slippers don’t get dirty. I am also unwilling to do this, since I already do the majority of sweeping, vacuuming, and cleaning up, so I do not want to have to scrub the floors in addition to the housework I already do.
I told him that I didn’t think it was practical to force everyone in the house to take off their shoes and that he was asking a bit too much for someone who had just moved in.
He told me that I was being inconsiderate of his needs and his Japanese ‘culture’ (he is white and was born in Oregon). He hasn’t told our other roommates about this plan yet, but I really don’t want to be the bad guy in this situation. On one hand, it wouldn’t be THAT difficult for me to take off my shoes before coming inside, especially if this is something that really bothers him, but on the other hand, I feel like he’s making demands of the rest of us and isn’t willing to give any ground himself, even though this is a 6 person house and we all need to compromise.
I feel like I’m being extremely petty about this issue and would love some feedback.
So AITJ for not taking off my shoes?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Ofc you’re not disrespecting it, you’re in the states and living to your own culture.
I disagree with your friend saying you’re disrespecting HIS culture, but let’s assess the comment anyway and what part of that culture he’s trying to honor.
Shoe removal. I’m not Japanese, I’m Polynesian, and it’s cultural for us to take our shoes off too. It’s disrespectful not to largely because we do a lot of things on the ground (pray, eat) and shoe removal keeps the area as clean as possible. Someone correct me, but I understand the Japanese to be the same. So, sounds like flatty wants a clean floor and for it to remain clean via no shoes inside.
Now we’ve considered that, let’s look at your concerns around his wants;
‘I am absolutely unwilling to take off my shoes EVERY time I enter the house.’
Not necessary. If you will be leaving the house again shortly, leave them on. You have to take your shoes off when you go to bed so I’m assuming taking them off another time or two during the day wouldn’t be painful.
‘I also don’t own a pair of ‘house slippers’ like he does, and I frankly do not want to spend coins on some.’
Just wear socks? Is it really that difficult to find an alternative? Lol
‘Our entryway is also very narrow, and it’s already getting cluttered by all of HIS shoes that he takes off before coming inside, so I don’t think it’s feasible for all 6 of us to take off our shoes.’
That’s an excellent point that can absolutely come with solutions.
You could use a shoe shelf. You could make it a rule of thumb that 2 pairs per person be left at the front door. You could put down a mat at the entrance, so you can walk further inside the house before taking your shoes off without dirtying the door. You could use ‘cubby’ shoe racks so every person has a place for their own shoes.
Now that we’ve established it’s not a wild or difficult idea to remove shoes inside, let’s talk about cleaning the floor. Why not do it?
‘I am also unwilling to do this, since I already do the majority of sweeping, vacuuming, and cleaning up, so I do not want to have to scrub the floors in addition to the housework I already do.’
It will only take ONE session with all of you there to clean it.
The only extra regular cleaning you would pick up after that is mopping, which IMO you should be doing anyway. Sticky floors are gross.
‘I told him that I didn’t think it was practical to force everyone in the house to take off their shoes and that he was asking a bit too much for someone who had just moved in.’
He said he would ask, not force.
Look, your friend has your opinion on it, and ‘no jerks here’ for you both. Just let him put it to the house in an open meeting. He’s new but he pays to live there now and deserves to be heard by everyone else.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This literally the norm everywhere civilized that I’ve ever been. Shoes are dirty and get your home dirty. Unless you’re actively washing the floors daily or changing into house shoes you’re causing a mess in your shared home.
If you feel the need to be gross and track dirt into your house, you better be willing to clean up every day.” analyze-it
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, NTJ. Before everyone jumps on me, here are the reasons why:
He just moved in and is already making demands. It’s not even his culture to start with. He should have the decency to offer to buy people house slippers if they don’t have any or want to go barefoot.
He expects everyone else to help deep clean the floor, even though he’s the one upset about it. OP pointed out that house slippers and bare feet won’t help much and likely get ruined or dirty with the floor the way it is already anyway. Wood floors really suck to maintain, even if you clean them constantly if they already have condition issues. This guy is already blocking a narrow entryway with all his shoes alone anyway, so where is everyone else’s supposed to go? He dumped his complaints and demands on op without letting everyone else know himself.
He could at least make his demands known to everyone instead of putting the burden on OP to face.
I get it likely cleaner, but it’s unreasonable to make demands and behave like this guy is, especially when he’s only one of six or seven people. Some people also may have comfort issues or other concerns with taking off their shoes like that, especially if the floors are that bad, so he should at least ask politely.” poetniknowit9879
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with ‘everyone sucks here.’ Him for approaching it badly and being a weirdo about the cultural thing, and you for not considering it to make chores easier in the long run.
I lived in Alaska and everyone takes their shoes off at the door because tracking in snow, mud, etc., makes everything get messy very quickly. It’s also gross to think of what gets tracked into the house via shoes. I’m so used to it now that even though I live in another state where keeping shoes on is the norm, I still do it because it’s cleaner and more comfortable.
Here’s how I manage it: By the front door, I have a small bench that has a shoe rack built in underneath.
This sorts out the clutter issue and I have a place to sit while putting on/taking off shoes. I usually just go barefoot in the house, but I do have slippers or slipper socks if I want them. I also have a pair of slip-on outdoor shoes that I don’t leave in the rack.
If I come home with a bunch of groceries, I’ll bring the first load with me, stop to take off my shoes, take the load into the kitchen. Going for the next load I’ll slip on the shoes, grab a load, stop just long enough kick them off at the door, and lather, rinse, repeat. It sounds like a pain, but you get used to it and it’s not a big deal, and it doesn’t add much time to unloading groceries. It does save me time in the long run from having to clean the floor as often or worry about tracking in things worse than dirt (like sap, poo, etc.) and it saves coins via wear and tear on the floor.” winter_laurel
7. AITJ For Calling Out My Partner's Hypocrisy When It Comes To Our Pets?
“My (M23) significant other (F22) have been together for a few months now. I have a great dane and she has a small cat. She’s totally a cat lady and I love dogs. Whenever we eat at my house, my dog will rest his chin on the table and just look at you while you’re eating, nothing else, he just hopes he might get a taste of your food.
After a while, she told me how this grosses her out because she can feel his hot breath on her hands and couldn’t stomach it getting on her food so now my dog gets put in the other room during meal times.
This isn’t a problem, but at her house, her cat acts like a queen and does literally whatever she wants. During breakfast, my SO’s cat hopped on the table and started licking up the milk in her cereal.
I asked her what makes my dog so gross but her cat can literally stick its face in her food. She argued that cats have really dry mouths and their tongue basically picks up what it touches so there’s no backwash (WHAT?).
I just don’t think it’s fair that Boomer gets kicked out of the kitchen but this prissy cat gets to jump and hang out on the table where the food is.
I know it seems like I am making a mountain out of a molehill but how is my dog being by her food worse than another animal licking it.
She said I could leave if I have a problem with her cat and picked up her cat and went upstairs and I had to show myself out. AITJ??”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Next time she’s at your place, don’t kick Boomer out of the kitchen.
If your SO has problems with that, well I guess she knows the way to the front door. To be honest, I think that if you stay together and move in together she might try to convince you to get rid of the dog because she’ll see the dog as a hazard to her cat. My experience is that most dog people are more open to cats than cat people to dogs.” Morrigan-71
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Neither cats nor dogs should be getting human food. The dog’s behavior is lowkey begging, which is bad behavior. The cat’s behavior of jumping up and stealing is also bad behavior. Eating (or trying to eat) human food can be unhealthy or even dangerous for animals – especially dogs – so it’s important to set clear boundaries with BOTH animals.” thatsharkchick
Another User Comments:
“Dude, what? You’re NTJ, her cat doing that and her eating it after, IS gross.
My cat doesn’t even jump on the dinner table, he knows it is off-limits. Heck, my partner just dropped a slice of pizza near my cat and my cat just stared at us and walked away. We’re watching football, so it’s pizza night. I am very adamant about my cat not eating people’s food though. So he doesn’t get near food at all, even if you leave it unattended.
He’s a good kitty just like your dog.” Delirium_Dess
Another User Comments:
“I think it’s fair for her to ask to not have her dog at the table and it’s fair for you to ask the same about her cat. I also think it’s fair for her to have different boundaries for her cat and your dog. The part where she is the jerk is because she should give you the same respect she asked of you and keep her cat off of the table if the cat bothers you. I think you’re being the jerk as well because to me it sounds like the cat isn’t bothering you but you just don’t want her cat around because you’re upset about your dog, not because you actually care about the cat being there, which is out of spite. Everyone sucks here.” pointe_plus_plus
6. AITJ For Telling Husband With Migraine To Sleep On The Couch?
“So, the husband suffers from migraines. He gets one every three or four months. But they’re pretty debilitating. The kids and I are extra quiet and leave him alone to sleep for hours or until the next day when he has one. That’s fine, I’ll hold down the fort. Usually, by the time I go to bed, he will have made the room uninhabitable for me.
The a/c will either be set extremely cold or heat on high and he’s wrapped himself in all the bedding. Like a cocoon. There won’t be anything left for me to use except the scratchy spare blanket. If I make any noise or turn on any lights getting to bed or sleeping, he snaps at me. Usually, by that point, he goes to sleep in the living room, snapping at me that I should be the one to sleep on the couch.
Today he had a migraine and has been out of it since noon. I’ve dealt with the kids alone, including the newborn baby. I’ve brought him food and medications and whatever else he needed. Finally, I got the other kids to bed and I was exhausted. I told him to get up and get his stuff and to sleep on the couch. He started protesting and said to just grab my own stuff to sleep on the couch…but there’s literally nowhere safe for me to put the baby to sleep.
Her crib is in our room, next to my side. We don’t have a bassinet and besides, she sleeps really well in her own crib. She’s still way too young to be alone in her room and she’s breastfeeding.
It doesn’t make sense for me to have to sleep on the couch away from her. I feel really sympathetic that he’s going through this, I know it’s really painful and knocks him out.
I really do everything I can to make him more comfortable during the day and before bedtime, but AITJ for telling him to sleep on the couch while he has one? BTW it’s a pullout couch with an upgraded mattress. It’s pretty comfortable but definitely not safe to cosleep with a baby.
Edit- The crib in which the baby sleeps is a large, wrought iron-type metal crib.
It can’t be picked up let alone wheeled or lifted. It took over two hours to put together. I don’t currently have a portable crib or pack and play type thing that is safe for sleep.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I suffer from chronic migraines and mainly have physical symptoms like vertigo, light/sound sensitivity, and nausea/vomiting. I can honestly say it is such a struggle to get to sleep that if someone woke me up during a migraine I might be tempted to kill them.
I know that everyone’s migraines are different but I am seriously sympathetic to your husband here.
That being said I think you need to discuss sleeping arrangements before the migraine happens. Maybe he is comfortable with moving to the couch or maybe getting up and moving might be incredibly painful for him. Maybe he could help figure out another solution when he is not in pain. I honestly do not think kicking him to the couch is the best solution and might actually prolong the migraine leaving him in bed for another day.
I really hope you can find a solution together but please try to remember migraines are a serious neurological condition- when they are happening it actually affects your entire brain functioning. People do not think or act logically because they really do not have the ability to do so.” Laurenkath62
Another User Comments:
“Everyons sucks here. Have you tried, I don’t know… Communicating?
It sounds like this is a semi-regular occurrence, and yet it also sounds like the only time you confront the issue is when you’re right in the middle of it (ie when he is in pain and already camped out in the bedroom).
You need to discuss this when he isn’t in the middle of a migraine. I.e. you need to sit down and agree on how you are going to deal with his migraine. You need to agree on who gets the bedroom and who gets the couch. If the only reason you need the bedroom is due to the crib, maybe you should agree that when he has one coming on, one of you will move the crib outside the bedroom before he goes to bed?
It also sounds like you’re a bit bitter about having to single-handedly look after the kids when he has a migraine, and that you’re perhaps punishing him by kicking him out of bed because of this? Or maybe you feel like you deserve the bed because you’ve been looking after the kids without him? Try and remember that he’s probably having a much more unpleasant time than you, no matter how much of a handful the kids are.
But mainly I think you just need to come to an agreement on how you will deal with his migraines in the future. Even if the agreement is he gets the bed during the day and then moves to the sofa at night, at least if you have this pre-agreed, he knows he will be kicked out when you go to bed and there will be no hard feelings.” Baby_Rhino
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – Migraines suck and babies suck at times as well, so they even each other out.
I’ve had the pleasure of both migraines and babies. lol
Has he tried acupuncture for them yet? I used to get migraines pretty regularly, mine come on because of stress, and after a few rounds of acupuncture, they started to go away. Now I get them every so often, and not as extreme as before.
It doesn’t work for everyone, but it’s usually covered by insurance, and not terribly expensive, so it might be worth a shot. He also might want to look into Botox, which was originally intended for migraines. I have friends that swear by Botox for migraines, and if it’s medically necessary insurance will also cover it.” WW76kh
Next, if the baby's crib is by your bed and you are breastfeeding, it is absolutely reasonable for him to relocate if he feels like he needs special accommodations and most especially if he used the room all day and you cared for him all day. The bottom line is keeping the baby safe and you also getting an opportunity to rest AFTER you cared for him. I. The morning, he can always return if needed.
NTJ because it sounds like you tried to help, at least.
5. AITJ For Not Wanting To Have A "Roommate Meeting"?
“I’ve always chosen random roommates for my lease at a college campus apartment complex, and my roommates and I have generally gotten along. Not friends or anything but we’ve managed for the most part to stay out of each other’s hair and tolerate each other, I mean one of them is especially difficult to deal with at times but up to this point, I’ve managed.
One of them feels the need to clean up after everyone as if we asked her to and she’s constantly checking the fridge for moldy food.
On one hand, I should be taking care of my stuff more often and throwing expired foods away more quicker but I often forget to do it before she starts going through everyone’s stuff and does it herself. I get it’s a valid complaint but there are ways to go about this instead of taking care of it yourself then getting mad at others for creating a situation where you don’t even allow them to take care of it.
Well anyways, she got really mad the other night and as I got back with my SO from a trip first thing she says is about the food. My SO comes to my defense, and even though I could understand the frustration from her end she calls my SO a witch.
Then there’s the other roommate who’s been a weirdo since day one and is hard to handle.
He’s immature, hypocritical, and so unaware it’s annoying. He’s always wanting to insert himself into people’s lives and situations and always wants to have the last word.
The point is I’ve had enough of them and the last thing I want to do is have their ‘roommate meeting’ where they’ll probably just complain some more and stand firm on doing things their way. I don’t see any obligation in participating as I stay out of their lives and never interfere or complain.
I much rather work on my faults alone than hear more of their nonsense.
I much rather block their numbers so I can stop getting texts about how there’s an uncrustable thawing on the counter and it should be questioned, while it’s okay for him to leave his shopping bags, drinks, or random stuff like shoe boxes on the counter for days… or a text from her asking to keep it quiet when cooking at 11 pm on a Saturday night when I’m not even making any noise, but it’s okay for her to invite her friends over every other night during this quarantine and be loud asf till much later???
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not wanting a roommate meeting, but consider that if done right, the roommate meeting can lead to better boundaries between roommates and a shared standard of expectations.
For example, it will be quiet in the apartment from 10-7 on school nights and from 12-10 on weekends. Or the kitchen counters should be kept clear at all times unless you are currently using them to make a meal. Everyone comes from different backgrounds and within each family, there is a different expectation when it comes to maintaining the cleanliness of the household and respecting the needs of others.
None of you will be happy living there as long as you keep stepping on each other’s toes and the only way to stop doing that is to talk about it and set up some ground rules.” Choactapus
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
If it’s in your room it’s fine for you to deal with whenever, but when you leave moldy food in a shared space and the smell is affecting everyone, it’s your responsibility.
It shouldn’t really get to the point where it gets moldy for someone else to clean it regardless of how diligent they’re being.
She definitely shouldn’t have called your SO a witch but from what it seems she’s been doing this for a while and could be at a breaking point.
You need to go to the roommate meeting, it’s the adult thing to do when living in a shared place.
View it as being able to air out all the concerns that you have pointed out in your thread (write it all down) but remember to do so in a calm manner.” Kazubla
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here to be honest. It sounds like you are all a bit difficult to live with, one way or another. While it’s good you recognize your faults that clearly isn’t prompting you to actually do anything about it.
I think a roommate meeting actually sounds like the best idea to help set some boundaries. I feel like the only reason you don’t want to do it is that you know they will raise valid complaints against you and you aren’t grown up enough to have a proper conversation about it.
Grow up and learn to not be a jerkface to people you live with!” amyliz436
How dare they react to moldy, forgotten food? Food left laying out? Pizza boxes with half-eaten remains hardening and stinking on the coffee table.
Ok, so, maybe I overdid it, but, perhaps you underdid it. You made it sound like you go through roommates (by how you usually select), so maybe question how accurately you are fixing/working on yourself.
4. AITJ For Crossing Out What I Wrote In My Coworker's Card After She Insulted Me?
“I work at a fast food place near San Francisco. We don’t have a lot of homophobes around here. I’m gay, but it’s never been an issue. I’m still reeling from this interaction because it’s literally my first experience dealing with a homophobe. I’m 19.
Helen is the sweetest woman. I’ve worked here for over two years and she’s never been anything but a joy to work with.
I really adored and admired Helen until today.
In 2020, our store closed for over a month and we just reopened this past week. Business right now is very slow and there are times when the store is completely quiet and we have nothing to do.
One of my coworkers, Mariah, is very talented at art and calligraphy. She puts a lot of time and effort into her art, even if it’s a small project.
Since we have so much time on our hands, today Mariah decided to make Mother’s Day cards for all the moms on our team, including Helen. She probably spent at least a half-hour making each card. I can see why she’d want to protect her work since she takes pride in it and it truly is beautiful.
Mariah finished her card and had everyone sign it. I wrote a pretty long, heartfelt message about how much I love and appreciate Helen.
It took up about an eighth of the entire card.
Plenty of my coworkers know that I’m gay but I don’t go around saying ‘hello, I’m a lesbian nice to meet you.’ If it comes up in conversation, fine. If not, fine. It’s not the most important part of my identity and the entire world doesn’t need to know who I’m attracted to.
Apparently, I never told Helen.
After I signed the card today, I was talking with Helen and she asked me if I have a male companion. I was surprised because I thought she knew. I said, ‘Oh, actually I’m gay. But no, I don’t have an SO.’
She looked horrified. I watched her opinion of me crumble. I could see the disgust in her eyes. It totally caught me off guard so I didn’t say anything.
Then she said, ‘Why? I mean, why do you think that’s okay? Ew’
At this point, I walked away. I was heartbroken and feeling a little bit petty, so I took Helen’s card (Mariah hadn’t given it to her yet) and I crossed out my paragraph. I didn’t mark up anyone else’s writing, just my own. I scribbled it out and frankly, it did make the card look really ugly.
And my scribbled-out section is right next to Mariah’s beautiful calligraphy on the inside of the card.
Mariah saw it and asked me what happened. She knows I’m gay so I just told her, ‘Helen said something rude and homophobic to me. I no longer want to wish her a happy mother’s day.’ We left it at that but Mariah seemed upset for the rest of the day.
I tried to apologize to her but she just said ‘yeah it’s fine’ but she sounded mad. I feel awful that I ruined her card and I wonder if I should have just left it alone.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You’re a person who is gay. That doesn’t make you a bad person, a gross person, or a questionable person. We assume folks like us for our character and how we treat others.
Your friendship with Helen obviously had stipulations when you had none at all. Frankly, she crossed out her own heartfelt message by judging you so harshly.
You were a little bit of a jerk by ‘messing up’ Mariah’s card but I feel like she should have understood, given the amount of hate Helen showed you.
Sure you were passive-aggressive by crossing it out but now I’m thinking. If you crossed it out and she could still read what you wrote, that ought to crush her.
Helen deserves to feel someone support her and then take it away. Then again I’m petty and I can’t stand when folks judge yet they’re not great themselves.
Stay kind. Don’t let wolves ruin your world. I’m bi and my own grandma did that to me. Let’s just say she got no card or porridge on her birthday.” timeforyourmeds
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m not sure what you meant by ‘scribbled it out’-but if I were you, I would have left it legible.
At least she would have seen/read what a high opinion you HAD of her UNTIL… and now there’s just a single line crossing it out all out.
But I’m not gonna lie, this is the type of situation that I thrive on as ‘teaching moments’ (not gay myself-so I don’t mean in terms of that specifically). But you seem to have a level head and seem to have what it takes to enlighten someone like this.
It’s not your duty by any means. It’s just if everyone walks from this situation now, no one really wins, and no one really learns anything. You’ll feel judged, and possibly hostile or passive-aggressive (rightly so), and with any hostility, she’ll feel further justified in her bigotry. But you both had a good relationship before this and I think you might be the right person to talk some sense into this lady.
Maybe change her whole perspective of life.
But again, not your job, and I wouldn’t judge you if it just isn’t worth your time.
Edit; Oops got sidetracked! The question was about the card! I’m sure she understands. Besides, it was one portion of one card, and she knows the story. It’s not like you did this on every card. I guess the suggestion of a single cross-out line still stands in this scenario too, as it might have had less of an impact on Mariah.
Either way NTJ.” holdingmytongue
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are young and just endured a very personal trauma. You were only thinking of your words and how a woman who would say them didn’t deserve them (because she doesn’t). Next time in your fog, you will have a memory as you react and can remember to look for bystanders in your reaction. After all, how often have you signed cards whose artists are anonymous people in another country and it was then printed in another state and the words came from another location than either? My Mother’s Day car was handmade, but I (being quarantined and my space is a wreck because my aunt moved in) only saw it that morning when I signed it.
You can easily forget the half-hour of work. You honestly (I believe) did when you eradicated the words.
My middle school yearbook got my face scribbled out and a bad word on it while I was getting an award at the closing exercises. I’d asked 2 girls to be quieter. I was alone during summers (Autistic) so each year having people write ‘see you next year!’ meant something.
But a card from fellow workers on a holiday unrelated to the work is far from a yearbook’s rendered an awful memory.
Maybe next time you will think to ask the person who has worked on something how you can retract your words without removing the basis for something that was supposed to just bring happiness. Being suddenly in the middle of something isn’t easy. She was in a tight spot whether she gave the card as is, made a new one, and watched everyone decide whether to re-sign…
so that could carry over.
You both felt joy from originally making the card. It’s hard to entirely un-associate the anger you feel at your work and plan of creating happiness suddenly broken by scribbles with the person first associated with the disappointment. But that doesn’t always mean that the first person wasn’t in a haze from something worse. And if that person comes out knowing that they can accidentally cause (relatively minor) hurt to someone who intended only good while reacting to someone questioning a human’s ‘okayness’ and can say ‘I wish my words had been on anything else or I had told you myself, even if I really needed to retract them.
I hope you understand that I wish no third person was hurt.’
Or maybe write the artist a note saying that you appreciate how much work she puts into beautiful things intended to only bring joy and other things you value about her like you originally wrote someone else. Maybe express that you understand her effort on such things. Not because you were the jerk but because you aren’t and she was basically in way of your elbow as you aimed a defensive blow and has a very slight bruise. Your (bruises) are bigger and purposefully given.” kattjen
3. AITJ For Being Upset My Spouse Accused Me Of Not Being Able To Wipe My Butt?
“My (26f) spouse (29m) accused me of not knowing when I had literal poop sitting in my butt and it is upsetting me. He thinks I am overreacting.
I used the bathroom this evening to discover a smooshed turd was stuck to the back of my upper leg. I panic, trying to figure out what happened to cause that. I found remnants of said turd inside the leg of my shorts, but not in my underwear.
I also found a poop spot on the couch where I had been relaxing with my spouse. I panic clean and go to chat with my spouse about the event.
Noteworthy events of the day: I hadn’t even pooped since yesterday morning. And I had showered since then.
I ask my spouse if he had any explosive poops today (grasping for crumbs, did not accuse him of pooping and not noticing, just asked prior to explaining the situation).
He had been having some stomach problems the last week so just figured it was an easy thing to rule out.
He proceeds to tell me how it is probably because I primarily fart in the bathroom and I probably just didn’t realize I also pooped and it just dangled there all day. I was appalled that was his reaction and asked if I had been dirty down there before that would make him think that.
To which he replied no.
I got upset and hurt by his accusation that I do not know how to clean myself and we had a big fight.
After a more thorough examination of the turd while I was cooling down I conducted a closer sniff test only to discover it was chocolate. I recalled I had dropped chocolate chips I was snacking on earlier and thought I found them all.
Whew. Relief.
Am I the jerk for getting upset and causing a fight because my spouse’s reaction was to accuse me of not having good hygiene?
EDIT: I recognize I clearly was the jerk. I was panicked trying to figure out what happened when I was positive it wasn’t my poop and took my spouse’s comment poorly due to my panic/freakout about how poop got on my pants.
I also recognize I am the jerk for unintentionally asking my spouse if he was the one who dumped my pants as I never meant to imply that.
I should have inspected the poop better right away and avoided the whole situation, although I still believe it smelled like poop on my first whiff, which was definitely just my imagination going wild due to the panic I was feeling.
Regardless we made up, I apologized for taking his comment poorly and we laughed. May we never have to deal with poop-induced panic again (at least for a long time).”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your husband didn’t say anything out of line or rude or accusatory. He gave you a very plausible explanation and he did it without being ugly. Most men wouldn’t have been rational and logical-you have a good guy.
You were getting madder and madder at him for not being mad at you. But now that you found out it was chocolate, this maybe could turn into a small inside joke.” mphsnative
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Do you normally wipe after you fart in the bathroom (or at least having believed you only farted)? He’s trying to normalize the situation by suggesting maybe you pooped when you thought you only farted, and not that you don’t wipe after you (knowingly) poop.
And to be fair, you did not discover the chocolate turd until you went to the washroom (i.e. You did not know that you had ‘poop’ sitting on your butt; his ‘accusation’ stands). From what you’ve written, it sounds like he’s trying to make it less embarrassing and you’re trying to put words in his mouth.” CinnabarPekoe
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ. You thought you had poop on you, so you tried to confirm if it was his. He said it wasn’t — in which case, whose else could it be? He didn’t say you were dirty, it sounds like he just tried to come up with a reasonable explanation for what happened. You got upset over the fact that he said the poop might have been yours when there was nobody else who could have been at fault for it.” kupur
2. AITJ For Not Leaving The Living Room When My Brother Asked Me To?
“My brother’s room is in the living room and it is separate from the rest of the living room with a curtain. But you can hear everything that’s going on in the living room. Yesterday there was a movie on TV that I wanted to watch. I had informed my brother that I’d be watching the movie at least a week before he was fine with it.
Halfway through the movie he comes home in a bad mood and asks me to leave the living room and go watch the movie somewhere else (the only other way to watch the movie was with my laptop but I can’t watch for hours on a small screen). I refuse to leave. He starts to yell and hit his hand against a bookshelf we have in the living room trying to get me to leave.
I still didn’t leave. He has been passive-aggressive since. AITJ for not leaving? Info: it was 11ish at night he wasn’t planning on sleeping any time soon. He is 15 I’m 19. He said he didn’t mind his room being in the living room and I have previously offered my room.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you already told him you would be watching the movie and he accepted it. Your brother needs some anger management though.” teeny_gecko
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, he came home after a bad day and wanted space, you had an alternative to watch the film on and didn’t take it.” niamhk13
1. AITJ For Recreating My Partner's Mom's "Secret" Cookie Recipe?
“My partner’s mom makes these amazing cookie bars. She makes them for the holidays and family gatherings and people always request that she brings them. I asked for the recipe once and she laughed and said no – that it was ‘hers’ and she doesn’t give it out to anyone. I dropped it and never asked again.
I started baking a LOT in 2020. It’s been fun for me in my downtime.
I decided with my free time to try to recreate the cookie bars my partner’s mom makes. I pulled up recipes that sounded similar from online blogs and started baking and tweaking. It took about 5 recipes and batches but I finally nailed it down (her secret recipe ended up essentially being a cookie bar known as a Carmelita).
I then decided to make it ‘my own’ and improve it to my tastes.
I used higher quality chocolate, made the sauce with local homemade caramels, used flakey sea salt on top, vanilla bean paste instead of extract, added a pinch of this fantastic organic cinnamon I had on hand. The results were over the top delicious. My partner declared they are better than his mom’s and he finished off half a pan in 2 days.
He was Facetiming with his mom Saturday and eating one.
She asked what it was and he said ‘One of your caramel bars. Jo found a recipe online but made it even better.’ SHE LOST IT. She started yelling about how awful I was for making ‘her’ cookies and how I had no right. He told her that she was overreacting and quickly ended the call.
She started blowing up my phone with nasty texts about what a jerk I am.
I explained to her that I found the recipe I used online where it was very public, I had actually tweaked that to make it more my own and that I wasn’t even planning on bringing them to an event she’s at so I did not see what the big deal was. She didn’t care. She called me names and told me I was wrong for baking a recipe that I knew was similar to hers.
She isn’t speaking to me or her son.
While I don’t think my partner should have made the comment about how I ‘made it even better’ to his mom… taking that out of the equation, she thinks I’m a jerk for even making them begin with. I disagree, but from the texts from her and a couple of other family members of hers, they think I crossed a line.
AITJ for recreating this recipe?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You have every right to make whatever you want, but I think you are belittling your partner’s mom’s feelings. If she has sentiment attached to that recipe and she feels that it is her signature dish then you should have made it and explicitly told your partner not to make a peep about it. I think you need to try and have some empathy and put yourself in her shoes.
She had a recipe that she felt strongly about and her whole family loved and requested for special occasions and you asked for it, she expressed that it was important to her and that she didn’t want to share it, so you sought it out, and her son tells her that you made them and made them even better. Christ.
As a mom myself my feelings would be really hurt and I would probably always resent that you took the ‘special’ out of that recipe for me.
I personally don’t see anything wrong with a woman who takes extra pride in having a special dish, but I know that a lot of people think that it is old-fashioned and don’t take a lot of stock in that and feel that it’s a dumb thing to respect.
She had the right the be upset but to the point where other family members are contacting you about it? I’d think that’s a little overboard.” Jessiandthewolves
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This is absurd. A solid fifth of Pinterest’s entire reason for existing is for home cooks to have a platform to share copycat recipes they’ve reverse-engineered from their favorite foods. It might be a bridge too far to say the woman should be flattered that OP liked her cookie bars enough to try to replicate them. But since OP found a reasonably close recipe to something that’s clearly pretty widely appreciated, it’s not theft and this is ridiculous.
I will say — not in the defense of this woman’s behavior AT ALL, but in defense of not always immediately sharing recipes — I have known people who have some recipes that are their favorites that people expect at parties and when they HAVE shared these special recipes, some of the recipients have totally messed up the recipes, sometimes honestly because they’re just finicky, or because they’re dumb and replace ingredients with other ingredients without realizing that chemistry is A Thing.
(My mom had a friend who was well-known in their circle for being a really good baker and had several signature baked goods.
After a LOT of pressure from another friend of theirs who was widely known to be a TERRIBLE cook, she gave her a recipe that SEEMED unscrewable. I think it was a basic strawberry pie. Just crust and strawberries and some sugar and spices.
But screw up the woman did because she used margarine instead of butter in the crust, Splenda instead of sugar, and frozen strawberries instead of fresh. And for ages after this unfortunate incident — it was a 4th of July party — the woman derided and expressed anger at the original recipe giver because of how bad hers turned out, even though she hadn’t actually followed the recipe)
All of this to say: I can understand when people stay a wee little bit guarded with their recipes for these reasons: giving them to people and then having people accuse them of recipe sabotage or not telling them something special.
And so I think OP is in the clear here: looked a recipe up on their own, found a reasonable dupe, experimented, and made it her own simply because she was curious. There is NOTHING wrong with this AND she wouldn’t have been able to blame the partner’s mom if it hadn’t gone well because it actually wasn’t her recipe. This all feels like a win-win to me.
But hey. Family recipes are a tricky thing, and people are weirdly attached to some of them in a stupid way. But I’m not sure what the next step is because this is such a ridiculous overreaction that… I’m at a loss.” PrncsStarshine
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
It’s a jerk move to not share recipes, but by not sharing it, your partner’s mother made it pretty clear that this particular cookie bar is sentimental and has value to her.
It became a treat for her to share during special occasions. Your partner’s mother probably doesn’t know how much time and effort you put into making these cookies so much better than hers. For all she knows, you made this secret recipe perfectly on your first try. Ouch.
I think you’re a bigger jerk; because from how it reads, you went out of your way to one-up her.
Try it once or twice – fine. But you looked up multiple recipes and experimented on at least 5 batches to make it exactly as she had done. For what reason did you have to nail down her particular version? And then you went and spent a lot to make an ‘even better gourmet’ version.
If there were other desserts that inspired you to put in this same amount of time, effort, and money, then I might soften my jerk ruling and you should open a confection store.
But if it’s just this one cookie bar then what you did was just mean.
I would say I am in a similar situation:
I too have been doing a lot of baking and experimentation during the health crisis. My partner and his grandmother spend every Christmas eve making Nanaimo Bars together. I do not know their recipe (to be fair, I’ve never asked). While it would be easy for me to look up a Nanaimo Bar recipe, I would never make 6 batches of Nanaimo Bars in a span of a few months because I love how much joy that old woman gets from my partner enjoying this rare treat.” Penguins_NKK
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Seriously, she loves those cookies and they’re so good they make her proud. The recipe is her little secret and she probably enjoys keeping this little secret. After she said no to you having the recipe (which does NOT make her a jerk, if your relationship lasts and you marry or have children, you would’ve gotten the recipe eventually to make them for her son or her grandkids, you do understand that right?) you just couldn’t leave it but had to all innocently pretend that quarantining made you wonder if you could recreate them and you kept at it till you perfected them UsInG bETtEr QuALiTy InGrEdIenTs.
I do not buy your nonsense.
You know she’s a drama queen, you knew she took pride in making these amazing cookies and still went out of your way to show your partner probably that you’re a far better cookie maker than his mother is.
That is a very very very passive-aggressive and a very manipulative thing to do.
Regardless of her reaction which might be a bit too much, I can just imagine how hurt she is.
Edit: also, even after all of the trouble you went through, you could’ve at least made your partner pinky swear that he never ever says anything! But I’m pretty sure you were very happy when he blurted out what he blurted out because ‘that’s showing her…’” Stroopwafel_
The only mistake I would say that was made was when her partner was eating one of those cookies while talking to mom online and they way he answered when asked what he had. On the other hand, it's not a good sign when in order to avoid dealing with a major melt-down like this two adults would have to hide the fact that they baked and are eating a batch of cookies in their own home.
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