People Need Us To Shed Light On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
12. AITJ For Kicking My Brother's Fiancé Out Of My Car On Her Engagement Night?
“My brother’s engagement dinner was last night. I don’t like his fiancee for several reasons. She’s mean and brutally ‘honest’ with her comments about my life. Always tries to belittle me every chance she gets.
Like belittling my degree and living situation. I’m civil even though I have a temper and sometimes I can be mean towards those with no respect.
My wife passed away from cancer.
We bought a car and It’s the first decent car we got. My wife and I didn’t make a lot so it was a challenge to save up. It was her choice so I make sure to keep it maintained regularly.
My brother’s fiancee made comments about it calling it a piece of junk and It hurt cause its part of myand my wife’s past.
When the party was over, my cousin left (he was the one who got them to the restaurant) and my brother didn’t want to take an Uber.
He wanted me to give them a ride, I said okay but his fiancee stood there saying she wasn’t going to ride in that piece of junk on her engagement night.
I got really annoyed by this comment and my mom who was in the passenger seat did too. My brother spent 5 minutes convincing her and she finally got inside the car but didn’t stop with her constant criticisms on how awful and dirty my car was.
And continuously calling it a piece of junk. My brother said nothing so I made eye contact via the rear-view mirror and said if she called my car a piece of junk one more time, she’s out.
I don’t care if I drop her off in the middle of nowhere.
My brother’s fiancee went quiet for a few minutes. Then commented on the necklace that was hanging from the rear-view mirror calling it ugly asking why I’d hang cheap, ugly stuff to make this piece of junk even uglier.
That necklace belongs to my wife. I got mad. I stopped the car and told her to shut up and get out. My brother asked if I was serious while mom was trying to get me to continue driving.
I repeatedly told her to get out but didn’t so I got out, walked up to her side, and opened the door for her to step out. She started crying and my brother called me nuts for acting out like that.
I told both of them to get out and they did.
I drove off and mom didn’t stop yelling saying I can’t leave them on the street, they just got engaged. And told me to turn around and pick them up but I screamed at her to stay out of it or she’ll join them.
She told the family what I did and my dad was angry saying it was disgraceful to do this to my brother and his fiancee and I should be ashamed of myself for making a scene on their engagement night.
He said I need serious help for my anger and should’ve just sucked it up till I got home. Mid-argument I walked out leaving him talking to himself. I’m sure my brother doesn’t want to see me for ‘letting him down’ on a special night in his life but his fiancee was being disrespectful.
So was I the jerk?
EDIT: She did not know that the necklace belonged to my late wife so while she shouldn’t have commented on it, I could see that she wasn’t aware of its sentimental value.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
There is a difference between ‘brutally honest’ and ‘stupid jerk.’ A brutally honest person isn’t going to sugar-coat the truth. They will say what they mean straight up so that there’s no room for misinterpretation.
They’re often mistaken for being a jerk, however, that isn’t always the case. They just don’t think prettying up the truth makes it a better pill to swallow and all those pretty words can be mistaken for something else.
It’s more efficient to just say it straight because then they don’t have to explain themselves again later. It might not be as empathic depending on the situation, but they’re not actually trying to hurt feelings.
On the other hand, a stupid jerk just says cruel stuff without regard to anyone’s feelings because it makes them feel better to put other people down. They’re often narcissistic and don’t think anyone’s actually going to do anything about it because they often target ‘soft’ people who usually let things slide.
They go out of their way to hurt other people’s feelings because it’s fun, it makes them happy, and it’s even better when they can get away with it.
Chickie here isn’t ‘brutally honest.’ She’s a narcissist jerk who thinks that she can get away with her trashy behavior because it’s her ‘special night.’ You did the right thing kicking her out and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
You warned her, she persisted, she can just screw off.
I hope your brother doesn’t actually follow through with marrying her.” Spell_Blade
Another User Comments:
“First of all, yeah they just got engaged so they’re not 12.
So that means that they absolutely know what constitutes acceptable behavior and what doesn’t, and they are more than capable of finding their own way home.
Seems like the fiancée is all about the ‘experience’.
And maybe she and your brother don’t see eye to eye on those things seeing as he didn’t want to take an Uber when she was expecting a luxury vehicle. But seriously, a free ride is a free ride and as long as the car is safe (and I’m assuming it is because you say you can keep it maintained), she could have kept her opinions to herself for the length of the car ride.
She tried to skate by on a technicality, but she STILL tied it into the car overall and called it a piece of junk yet again, which was what you specifically told her not to do.
Your brother should have done more to talk her down, obviously, he can’t control her behavior but sitting there saying nothing says he condones it.
Now I fully believe that when you’re doing a favor for someone, they should be kind and show a little bit of gratitude, because favor is absolutely something that you don’t have to do.
Why should you be treated like trash for going out of your way to do something for anybody else? It doesn’t matter if she’s talking about you or the car, she was insulting you and your wife.
It’s incredibly rude and disrespectful.
The fiancée should consider herself lucky that she even got a chance to correct her behavior. Because some people might not even give her that. And I think you showed her (and quite frankly your mother as well) more kindness than maybe they deserved.
And if it was so important (eye roll) for the fiancée to have some fairytale princess night, your brother could have sprung for an Uber or driven themselves, since I’m sure fiancée wouldn’t be caught dead driving a ‘pile of junk’ (more eyeballs).
NTJ, and your whole family sucks.” smartiesmouth
Another User Comments:
“This is so upsetting. OP, you’re NTJ. Every other single person in this equation is, and I am sorry. For your personal health, I would create distance from these toxic people for now, and I will say that I’d have a serious anger management problem dealing with her and those who condone her cruelty.
That fianceé doesn’t have ‘brutal honesty,’ she is precious pretentious, entitled, and a total witch who can’t handle ‘brutal honesty’ back. If it was such a special night, according to your family who continually excuses her rotten behavior, why didn’t your brother get a limo? He didn’t even want to pay for an Uber.
Why weren’t people driving themselves to this event? Why is it your duty to be the driver, all the while being torn to shreds while your brother sits idly, not daring to even shoot a look to his ‘bride to be’ and ending it, intervening? Someone could have, but everyone was treating this ‘engagement night’ like she could shoot the waiter and it would be a justifiable homicide because this is her very special day.
And unlike you and your wife, who struggled to get a car, she is such an entitled wretch that she sees even getting a ride home is somehow beneath her. She is far from humble.
Your family knows that your car is not just a car and that beating down a grieving man is wrong, but they’ve written her a ‘happy engagement’ hall pass that excuses her behavior, and sadly, with a woman like this, it won’t stop there.
It will be prepared for the wedding, the wedding day, pregnancy, the baby and she will forever be excused for what she tries to lightly excuse as ‘brutal honesty’. No, she is just brutal.
That brother is a jerk. He knows what’s going to happen! She was already pitching a fit before she got in the door! And your brother has the knowledge of your wife, and why this is such an incredibly sensitive issue and has not done a darn thing to stand up to her for continually being cruel and insensitive to a grieving sibling.
If you are going to be ‘brutally honest,’ then she is able to get herself ‘brutally’ home. You warned her and set a boundary. I think that is a good thing.
But once again, she ‘can’t help herself’ and challenge the boundary you set, because of the grandiose sense of superiority she has. In a hot second, she goes from reading you to filth, and suddenly collapses like a damsel in distress when you stop the car.
She did not want to ride with you in the first place, and your brother forced this upon you, knowing what she’s like and what will happen. He knows what you have been through, and the constant belittling indicates a total lack of respect for you, for your brother, and reveals that your brother has a lack of respect for himself, and most importantly, for you.
No one is holding her accountable and seems to be absolved from being a decent human being because they are ‘engaged’. But she has been a consistent bully to you and this is not something you should have to endure for a lifetime.
She does not respect your family by disrespecting you, and they are seemingly oblivious to this fact. They want her to like them and she doesn’t seem to care who likes her.
This ‘brutally honest’ excuse doesn’t work when she repeatedly says terrible things about your car, for no reason whatsoever except that she feels entitled to bully, but brutal honesty doesn’t need to repeat itself.
Brutal honesty doesn’t need to repeat itself after you have said no, stop, do not disrespect me because it is hurtful. She instead finds a new inroad (and if she knows about the passing of your wife, I think she can probably guess why the necklace is there, it’s not a huge leap to make and logical) but she’s pathological.
I question, did she want to test you? Did she want to suddenly crumble into a tearful, weak mess when being called on her stunts? Her motivations here are concerning and I hope everyone realizes that just because she’s the fianceé doesn’t mean she has a pass to bait you into a corner that is ultimately frustrating.
In this, everyone but you is a jerk.
She got what she wanted: an Uber ride home. I hope your family can listen, or see this post. It is heartbreaking what you’ve been through and for no fault of your own, she is choosing to denigrate everything about you.
None of it is her business, and she was a guest in your car. She couldn’t be a civilized human for the duration of a car ride! And you are supposed to put up with it like you have put up with everything else? No one else has bothered to intervene, and because they are weak, vacillating people, you have to do it yourself.
If someone keeps poking me in the same tender spot that hurts, and they do it over a long duration, and I ask them to stop and they refuse, and everyone else is just standing idly by, I’d get angry.
That isn’t an anger management problem. They just want to repress all your feelings for a bully that trespasses boundaries and will not heed the word stop. His celebration should not have to be your burden.
And if she’s like this now, what does it say about when she seals the deal, they are married and there are even fewer repercussions to her actions?
You do not deserve this, OP. She is the penultimate jerk, and your brother is too. Coming in second place are your parents. You? NTJ.” GoddessPallasAthena
11. AITJ For Not Shaving My Head To Support My Best Friend?
“I (24F) have known my best friend ‘Grace’ (24f) since we were 11 years old and I love her to bits. We’ve been each other’s rocks throughout all our hard times, so obviously I was devastated for her when she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer a few weeks ago.
Thankfully her prognosis is optimistic, but she needs surgery and is about to begin chemo. I cried a lot when I first heard about her diagnosis, but Grace is one of those people who uses humor to cope in hard times and she’s been powering through it with her head held high.
She’s honestly my hero.
We have a group of good mutual friends we’ve known since school, and yesterday they invited me to a video call without Grace. One of our friends told us about an idea she had that we should all shave our heads in support of Grace since she’s going to lose her hair and make a video to put on social media and the like.
Everyone else looked a bit horrified when I firmly said I wouldn’t be doing that. I never had long hair my entire childhood as it’s very thick and my mum didn’t want to deal with it, and after having short hair as a teenager I decided to grow it out.
I haven’t had a proper haircut since I was 17 and now it’s almost long enough that I can sit on it, so I’m not keen to shave it off and start again.
As someone who has lost close relatives to cancer, I also feel really uncomfortable with people who shave their heads in ‘support’ as to me it just seems like performative activism to get attention on social media.
My friends all went off at me about how I’m selfish and have no empathy for Grace and what she’s going through, but I don’t think that you should have to put yourself through someone else’s struggle in order to support them.
I left the call and woke up this morning to a tidal wave of messages from other friends and family asking me why I was so nasty to my friends when they just wanted to help.
I don’t think it’s made it through to Grace yet (the head shaving is meant to be a surprise) and if it has, she hasn’t talked to me about it. At this point, I’m questioning if I’m really being selfish and horrible because I adore Grace with all my heart but I really don’t want to lose my hair as well.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Do they think Grace is going to love the visual reminder of her cancer every time she looks at the shaved heads of her friends? Do they think Grace is going to love the guilt she feels every time she looks at the shaved heads of her friends and knows they only did that because of her? Do they think that shaving their hair is going to do anything at all to help Grace beat cancer? They’re being performative.
It would be one thing if they were doing it to raise funds to help pay for her medical bills (if she’s in a country that charges for healthcare) but this is just to make themselves look good on social media.
If anyone had shaved their heads when I had cancer, it would have been just one more trashy thing to think about and I probably would have distanced myself from the constant in-your-face reminder.
When you have cancer, you don’t want to think about it all the time, you want to be able to hang out with your friends and pretend that everything is normal and you can’t do that when they’ve all shaved their heads for you.” UnicornCackle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’d be one thing if Grace specifically asked you to shave your head, but even then, I feel like you should still have the option to refuse. I hate the idea of people shaving their heads, supposedly, in support of someone, and then putting it all over social media.
That is not supported for the person who is ill, that is trying to use that person’s illness to get attention for yourself!
Don’t feel bad for not doing this, you will be true support for Grace by being there with her as she goes through her treatment and helping her with things she’ll need, like a friend who will spend the day on the couch with her, binge-watching her favorite show while she is resting/recovering from her treatments.
I’m sure Grace knows that you’ll do what you can because she knows that you love her.” Evil_Genius_42
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Grace might not lose her hair. It’s not a guarantee. It is also not supported.
I have chronic cancer stuff. A friend shaved their head because I do (I went bald before cancer stuff and love it). They then tried to turn it into support and then complained about the discomfort of being stared at and having a cold head at night.
The idea of wearing a beanie? Never came up. Shaving your head isn’t real support and support doesn’t come from social media posts about how supportive you are. Support is being there.
It is coming up with jokes and joining in on the dark humor. It’s letting someone cry about the fear and pain. In this case, it may be also mourning lost opportunities and hormone changes. Please don’t let them pressure you.” FirebirdWriter
10. AITJ For Giving The Family House To My Niece?
“I (53M) currently own a property that has been in my family for 6 generations. It’s a 4 bedroom brick house that sits on a small acreage. That house has been passed down from father to eldest son.
Even if he isn’t the firstborn, like my father who was the youngest of 4 and still got the house. When my parents died in a car accident 20 years ago I got the house and some amount, my brother Dan (48 M) got a lot of inheritance but no land.
Dan is married to Kelly (43 F) and together they have 2 kids from previous relationships; My niece Sarah (20 F) and Kelly’s son Tommy (16 M). Sarah’s mom died when she was 15, and Dan moved Kelly in less than a year later and married her 6 months after that.
Kelly tried to basically replace Sarah’s mom, and Dan actively encouraged his wife to force Sarah to bond. This backfired terribly for them and now she doesn’t speak to either of them, only me.
Dan and Kelly have since refocused their efforts on Tommy. They try to make Tommy call my brother dad, even though he has a dad that is active in his life.
They keep trying to figure out a way to sever Tommy’s dad’s parental rights so Dan can adopt him. It’s a mess and nothing I say seems to get through to Dan and Kelly.
Recently I realized that I’m the same age as my parents when they passed away so I contacted a lawyer to help settle my affairs. Unfortunately, Dan also realized the same thing and on a family, a zoom call started asking me about the house.
See, I don’t have a spouse or any children. I think I’m what’s called “aromantic,” just never been interested in that stuff.
Anyway, I decided that I was going to leave pretty much everything to Sarah.
Well, Dan got upset and said ‘What about Tommy?’ I said, ‘What do you mean?’ Dan replied, ‘He’s my son, and as the firstborn son he has a right to the house.’ I said ‘That’s discrimination, dude, besides she’s a near direct blood relative that would actually love the house.’ Dan got angrier, and said how can I treat my nephew like this? Like what? I could leave him some inheritance if that’s the issue, but not the house.
I hadn’t thought to give him anything, but if it would keep the peace I can leave him a good chunk of moolah. Dan said that I’m excluding him from the family tradition and I need to treat his kids more equally.
Eventually, he hung up.
Thing is, I’ve met Tommy in person maybe 5 times for holidays, and every time he was sulking and staring at some screen. If I tried to engage with him he always told me to ‘get lost’ or some variation on that.
I don’t hate him, he got dealt a hard hand, but he’s made it perfectly clear he doesn’t want anything to do with our family. The rest of the family is torn: Some think I shouldn’t change my will and leave Tommy with nothing, others think I should give the house to Tommy because Sarah ‘can just marry a rich man to give her a nice house?’ (gross) And some say Tommy should be getting my moolah and Sarah should get the house.
So AITJ for not leaving ‘my nephew’ with our family home?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. The tradition is that the house goes to the eldest son. There is no eldest son/male relative (Tommy isn’t bound to you legally or by blood right now, if your brother and his wife get divorced and you’ve left the house to Tommy, the house now is out of the family).
In the SPIRIT of the tradition, the next logical choice is the eldest daughter/female relative. Although the original tradition is grossly discriminatory…
However, I don’t know what country you’re in, what your brother and sister-in-law are doing to Tommy’s father is so gross.
In the US, there’s a thing called ‘parental alienation’ in custody agreements. It basically means ‘you cannot intentionally attempt to sever a healthy relationship with your child and their other parent.’
If I were you, I would go to the family courts and see if that’s a thing where you are.
That child deserves to have his dad in his life (assuming dad is a healthy, positive influence) and it may very well be he’s always so withdrawn and angsty because he blames his mom’s marriage into your family for his deteriorating relationship with his dad.” therealmegluvsu
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If your step-nephew wants a relationship later on and realizes you’re not as horrible as his stepfather and his mother then great, you can update the paperwork and leave him some moolah.
Until then there’s no reason for you to leave YOUR property or YOUR money to him for any reason.
You feel your niece will take care of the property, she’s your blood relative, and you have a relationship with her that isn’t based on the assumption that she’ll inherit something when you die.
Making her the primary benefactor in your will just kind of makes a lot of sense.
Sidenote: Your brother and SIL are EXTREMELY toxic people by the sounds of it. Trying to replace a person’s parent with a new step-parent as if the other parent never existed is disturbing behavior in both cases and extremely weird in the step-nephew’s case as his father is not only alive but has a relationship with him? Like this is just…
not something most people do, and stepchildren often call their step-parent just by their first name. It’s not a surprise your niece went NC with them entirely, and I would be shocked if Tommy doesn’t go NC as soon as he’s able to legally do so.” Seliphra
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Tommy has been in your life for 5 years. Sarah for 20.
Sarah is actually your niece. Even if something happens to Dan (I hope it doesn’t but you get what I mean), you have a bond with her and she will still be your niece.
Not only by blood but also by actually having a functional uncle-niece relationship.
However, in a similar situation, your relationship with Tommy however will not exist at all. Further, you are not Tommy’s uncle.
Dan is Tommy’s stepfather, not Dad. Tommy has a dad. Tommy doesn’t call Dan Dad and even if he did, Tommy does not feel like a nephew to you. Ignoring legalities, under which also he is not Dan’s adopted son but a stepchild, he does not feel like a Nephew to you and he does not consider you his uncle.
You can leave him something if you so chose but honestly, your money and property, you can do as you desire.” MistbornOtter
9. AITJ For Only Buying My Daughter Books That Are Close To Her Reading Level?
“My daughter Rose (9) is a very advanced reader. She’s in 3rd grade (8-9-year-olds) but reads at a 9th grade (14-15 years old) level.
Despite her advanced reading level, the only books she wants to read are the I Survived series and the A-Z mysteries.
Both of these books are far below her reading level so I told her it’s fine if she wants to read them in school but at home, she has to read things closer to her level.
I’ve taken her to bookstores and we’ve looked through the young adult section but she refuses to read any of the books. She says they’re all boring and gross. She always asks to get books from the children’s section but I’ve said no because they’re too easy for her.
Rose has started sneaking books home from school and when I started taking those away, she stopped reading in general. Now Rose has pulled away from me and her teacher is recommending that I let her read whatever she wants.
Rose’s dad (my ex) found out about this and tore into me for not letting Rose read books for kids her age and offered to send her books but that’s not the problem.
I don’t have a problem with Rose reading but if she’s going to read, she should read something close to her level.
Now everyone’s mad at me so I wanted to know if I was the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, and you’re destroying your child’s love of reading, to boot.
Be glad that Rose actually wants to read at all. Just because she can read at a higher level doesn’t mean she should have to. She should be allowed to read what she enjoys in her own time, whatever that might be.
She gets enough assignments at school, I’m sure. In general, children aren’t allowed much agency in their lives. At the very least she should be free to choose her own leisure reading.
I’m seriously curious: what is your endgame here? How do you think being this controlling over a really wholesome choice will help your daughter or your relationship with her in any way at all?
She’s not going to lose reading skills because she wants to take it easy with her leisure reading.
She said she thinks the more advanced reading materials are gross, most likely because YA books often cover topics she might not be old enough to relate to or understand. Just because she can read at that level doesn’t mean that the material is appropriate for where she is in terms of her emotional and social development.
Listen to your daughter. Choose your battles, because I promise you this is not the hill you want to die on. Let her read what she wants or you might end up with a kid who doesn’t want to read at all.
Or be close to you.” joanclaytonesq
Another User Comments:
“Are you serious? Yes, YTJ!
You want her to read, period. You want her to love it.
You do this by providing a LOT of books she is interested in reading.
It doesn’t matter the arbitrary ‘grade level’. She’s reading. She gets value out of reading, period.
I am the book aunt for my siblings. I buy them a lot of books, and once they’re at your daughter’s age I buy them a LOT of what they are interested in.
I ALSO buy books I think they may be interested in. The ‘in addition to’ part is important. I also buy books they haven’t asked for based on their interests. I will OCCASIONALLY buy books that I think are good for them, that they may not be interested in.
You give them what they want to read because you want them to feel joy, and you provide other stuff in addition to, in the hope that they will explore and find that joy in larger quantities—the result being they will be a well rounded, curious, and self-motivated to indulge that curiosity.
You will not accomplish that doing what you’re doing.
Stop forcing your child into a box, and smacking her hand when she reaches out of it.
Take her to a library book sale and let her go buck wild at mind-bogglingly low prices.” miladyelle
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Sheesh.
She has advanced abilities. She won’t lose them by reading content that doesn’t constantly challenge her.
She WILL lose them – along with any desire to be creative, use her imagination or continue to engage in her education – if she stops reading altogether, which is what you’re at risk of making her want to do.
Think of it like any elite musician or athlete. They don’t practice at full capacity all the time because different levels of exercise work different muscles, keep you supple, build different skills, hone different techniques, accommodate fatigue and injuries, etc.
They even do totally non-related activities to support their bodies and minds. There’s a time and a place for giving it everything, and you have to be smart about it.
By not allowing her to flex and relax her brain as she is comfortable with, you’re setting her up for failure – which judging by your current frustration at a child for not wanting to read material she is uncomfortable with, you will blame her for instead of where the fault really lies: with you.
You’re already doing it.
Not to mention your staggering disregard for her emotional and psychological development.
I was also an extremely advanced child. I read everything on our bursting bookshelves, out of sheer curiosity.
While I could read it all easily; it wasn’t all appropriate and I wasn’t old or mature enough to understand and process some of the content at the time. This definitely caused some issues.
Finally: remember it’s her achievement. Not yours. Get over yourself.
You have a child who loves to read and excels at it, and that’s something that is becoming increasingly rare. Celebrate her passion, don’t punish her for it.” User
8. AITJ For Deleting My Dream Journal So My Mom Can't Read It?
“I’m a 16 yo male whose parents are divorced and I live with both 50/50 split. Anyways I keep a dream journal so that I can help remember my dreams. This dream journal is just an app on my phone with a password lock.
My mom has always gone through my phone and such but I never had a problem with this as I either don’t have anything to hide or I am easily able to hide it as she isn’t very techy.
However one day she went through my phone and tried opening my dream journal and almost blew up when she saw that it asked her for a password. She said I was sneaking around and trying to undermine her.
When I told her it was a dream journal she finally calmed down a bit asked me to open it up to which I said no. I feel that what goes on during my dreams, especially because I am not always in control of what happens, I have the right to keep that to myself.
My mom however disagreed and took my phone and went to my significant other’s house to try and get my phone password from her. She wouldn’t budge (huge shoutout to my girl).
However, her parents who I respect and have always kinda looked up to told me that I was being very mischievous because I wouldn’t unlock the journal.
When I went to my dad’s the next day I asked him about it and he told me that I should just let her see it which is what really made me start to think that I may be the unreasonable one.
This is because if there was something my mom was doing wrong he would jump at the opportunity to trash talk her.
When I came back to my mom’s house a few days later, she acted normal and gave me my phone back which was very surprising for her.
Then again later in the week when I thought that it was all over and I don’t have to think about it anymore, my mom marches into my room grabs my phone out of my hands goes to my journal and unlocks it.
I still have no idea how she got my password the only thing I can think of is one of my brothers ratted me out. In the heat of the moment, my brain thought that the only way to stop her from seeing everything would be to grab the phone and delete the app as fast as possible.
This was actually most likely true as I have no idea how to change the password on it and my brothers would have probably taken my phone before I could do it.
I did this fairly easily and before she could call my brothers to help her stop me.
She was obviously annoyed about me deleting the app and grounded me and all that.
However, the thing that was the worst was when she posted on social media about what I had done all of the people commenting were siding with her.
That journal really did mean a lot to me and I feel like what I did was spiteful as I doubt anything would have come from her looking at it.
I just need some people to tell me what they think good or bad.
Update:
My attempts to regain my journal have been fruitless however I did email the devs to see if they may be kept data for x amount of days.
Still waiting to hear back.
For the people asking about anything that might have warranted my mom wanting to invade my privacy she thought she caught me doing illegal stuff once but I passed 4 tests and get tested regularly for sports.
I have had ‘incidents’ that look like I was trying to harm myself and I believe she may have interpreted them that way I have made every effort to show her that she is wrong.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Wow, she went to your girl and demanded the password? She has absolutely no boundaries it seems.
Not to mention it’s your dream journal. If I had a kid that’s the last thing I’d want to read because as you said, you can’t control your dreams! Therefore it would give your mother no indication if you were up to anything bad or putting yourself in unsafe situations.
Normally, I would say to completely ignore your mother and the issue going further. But I almost wonder what she’d say if you went up to her perfectly calmly and asked ‘Mom, why didn’t you ever just calmly ask me if I had a dream that night and what it was about?’ Of course, she’ll counter with why didn’t you just give me the password.
And you can say because you wanted some semblance of privacy in your life, which is perfectly understandable and acceptable. But if she had just calmly asked you wouldn’t have minded sharing some of your dreams with her.
(Of course, this can be a complete lie, and you could just make some stuff up). Tell her she actually would have ended up getting more information about your life that way.
But now that’s gone and the journal is gone so she’s worse off than she was before. I doubt she’ll be reasonable about it but it may make her think later after she’s calmed down.
It’s probably a crazy idea, but I like when people realize they lost a lot more because they were being so unreasonable.” MrsBarneyFife
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Since your mother is being nosy, show her this post.
Show her all these comments.
Lady, look what you have done. Your son trusts literal strangers on the internet much more than you because of your intrusion. You went to proudly post on social media because your sad, pathetic soul is so starved for attention that you thought humiliating your teenage son was acceptable.
Well, here is even more attention than your idiot social media post could ever have. You’re in the spotlight. Take another bow. Your disgusting actions are now the talk of thousands.
Take the third bow. The damage you have inflicted on the relationship with your son is shocking.
Look at yourself in the mirror. Take a good look. Desperately seek attention from your friends on social media because you know you’re in the wrong.
Is this how you wanted to spend your middle age?
Look at yourself in the mirror. Take a good look. You perversely want to spy on your son even in his dreams.
I’m surprised you haven’t reached the point where you’re spying on him in the shower, you predator. Is this what you want others to think of you?
Look at yourself in the mirror.
Take a good look. Your son cannot get a minor injury without you thinking he’s committing self-harm. Who could possibly be giving a reason for him to hurt himself?
Look at yourself in the mirror.
Take a good look. The first person a baby trusts is his mother. It is nature’s way. Your actions are telling your son that trusting you not only is a mistake.
It is dangerous. Are you always so monstrously unnatural?
Look at yourself in the mirror. Take a good look. If God hasn’t granted us the mercy of putting your through menopause already, please consider getting a hysterectomy as nobody should have to go through the mental abuse that is being raised by you.
Take look at yourself in the mirror. Take a good look. You are not a mother. You’re nothing more than a birther.” SassyStrawberry18
Another User Comments:
“No way, totally not a jerk, she is entirely the one at fault.
I’m not sure how old you are, but you’re probably old enough to enforce your own rules for yourself (if you don’t want to do something you don’t gotta do it) and if you’re an adult there is no way they can ‘ground’ you, they sure can try but you are your own boss and you always have the power of choice, don’t let them make you feel like you have no choice.
If they are holding the phone or other things over your head I would try to find a way to get out from under them so they cant use it against you and manipulate/control you.
Also, could you possibly start a physical dream journal? Like have a real book you wrote your dreams in, you could lock it and even hide it so she couldn’t get to it and you could record your dreams.
So sorry they made you delete everything, maybe for future reference try to find a way to back it up like on your partner’s phone or computer or someone you trust, I know you didn’t have a lot of time this time but I mean this for the future.” xXFancyPuddingXx
7. AITJ For Telling My Dad To Get A Prenup With His Shady Fiancé?
“So my mom died less than 4 months ago which was a fairly unexpected event. 2 weeks after her passing, my dad (63) tells my sister (27) and myself (M30) that at some point he will start going out again.
I totally understood although a little taken aback by the timing. The only thing I tell him is that he should wait a while before jumping into anything serious. He agrees and says that he wouldn’t really consider seeing someone for at least a year.
Fast forward 3 days and he informs me that he has reconnected with his high school sweetheart and has reconnected as ‘friends.’ Still no issues on my end so far. 2 weeks after that, my sister (who lives with my dad: she helped take care of my mom) informs me that my dad and C (his high school sweetie) are on the phone all the time with each other, texting all day and emailing.
Also, C has made it clear that she wants to marry my dad and that he is going to spend the weekend with C and build some bookshelves with one of her sons, who is my age.
Needless to say, he’s basically been spending every day he can with C and her family. My sister has been extremely against this whole ordeal and vocal about it, I have been against it and tried to tactfully express my concerns.
Fast forward to this past Sunday, the day we spread my mom’s ashes. My dad, my sister, and I meet up for breakfast. He decided that it was an appropriate time to tell us he is getting married to C in March.
To which I respond by saying ‘Then you better get an ironclad prenup because nobody in their right mind or with good intentions would start going out with someone who’s been a widower less than a month let alone marry him within a year of his wife’s death.
I also won’t be at the wedding, I don’t want to meet her, or her offspring, and this entire relationship between you and C is not only disrespectful to my mom but also made me question how much he even loved mom in the first place.
Considering after your dog passed away, you said you wouldn’t be ready for another dog for years, yet mom dies and you are ready to marry in less than a year.’ He was hurt and the rest of the morning was quiet and awkward.
Afterward, I get texts from my grandma and aunt saying that what I said was cruel and uncalled for and really upset my dad.
So please I need to know AITJ?!?!?
Update: There are a few things that have become clear to me.
While some of the things I said had merit, I also hit below the belt.
I have not met C and know very little about her, while it isn’t wrong to have these suspicions, it’s not right to act on them or base how I treat someone on them.
I have never been in my dad’s position.
We are different people, who lost a different person in our lives.
Therefore our mourning process will be different.
I’m in alot of pain, pain that I don’t know how to deal with because I’ve never dealt with it before.
He is too.
I don’t want to lose my dad.
I need to seek professional help for this is out of my wheelhouse.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
It’s very common for men who’ve been in happy relationships to remarry quickly because they’re trying to recreate that happiness – and don’t even realize that they’re still grieving and that marriages are not automatically happy.
I think you need to bear that in mind when you speak to him – his hurry to remarry is precisely because he was happy with your mother.
Be gentle with him, he’s not able to make good decisions right now and you need to support him.
Make an effort to get to know his new womn; she might surprise you after all. But stay close to your dad because if this relationship fails, he‘ll be grieving and humiliated.” Relative_Dimensions
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
It doesn’t make you a jerk to have these doubts (although you should try to be less judgemental on something you haven’t experienced), it does make you one the way you attacked him about them.
To judge him for this is no different than all the armchair psychologists whenever a child is murdered going ‘Oh those parents definitely did it, look at how they’re acting too emotional/not acting emotional enough’ as though they’re grief experts.
It’s a judgment passed on something that you simply have no frame of reference for, and yes I am saying that losing a parent is simply not the same as losing your spouse.
Furthermore judging him for moving on ‘too fast’ at his age is also pretty terrible. The man is 63, going off the average life expectancy he’s only got another 10 to 15 years left, getting remarried in a year isn’t some sign is an affair or him not loving your mom, it’s him not wanting to be alone.
And his old high school sweetheart? Same age, also single, also with kids, sounds to me like whether through divorce or death she’s in the same position. And as far as you’ve told us there’s no reason to suspect her of taking advantage of him outside of the fact that they’re spending time together and your own personal judgment of moving too fast.
On a related note to age, how long have they been together? Do you have any idea what it’s like to be with a person for, what I’m guessing, is most of your life and then suddenly lose them and have that void? I’ve only been married for half a decade and can’t imagine how horribly alone I would feel if my wife passed on, or how I would cope with it.
One final thing, as another commenter pointed out comparing his wife’s death to his dogs was a low blow and also such an irrelevant comparison to make in the first place.” TK464
Another User Comments:
“So, so NTJ, and I speak as a widow of five years! It’s a well-known fact among the widowed community (widows and widowers) that people, often predatory, absolutely crawl out of the woodwork after a spouse dies, hoping they can ‘fill the gap.’ Not all are after money or property, but there’s no point taking any chances.
Every single website and book tells recently bereaved people, to try not to make ANY major decision for at least six months, if not a full year after losing your spouse/partner.
There’s good reason for that: you’re not your best self; grief has its own timetable; and most are rather overwhelmed at first in dealing with their late spouse’s/partner’s estate, which takes months and some legwork.
What you said was blunt, but not harsh, and not at all wrong. For me personally, as a widow, I’d only agree to live apart together, if a man were ever interested in me again, or I in him.
This neatly circumvents users; with separate houses and separate finances, there’s little chance of being taken advantage of. I hope for your father’s sake you planted a seed and that seed sprouts.
I hope he backtracks. I for one would be extremely interested in an update once he tells her it’s too soon. I’d bet she breaks off, ghosts, and is never heard from again.” katiekat0214
6. AITJ For Refusing To Open My Son's Room For My Daughter?
“My son passed away 7 months ago in a motorcycle accident at the age of 20. It was so devastating and our entire family is going through so much pain right now.
We have supportive people around us but it’s still very raw and we’re doing all we can to keep strong and functional. His room is still the same, I only go in there for a few minutes then walk out.
We have a daughter aged 22 who’s in college and recently she’s been calling to tell us she has been planning on moving back in with us. She stated that she can no longer afford rent and wanted to spend time with us till her brother’s first anniversary.
We told her she was welcome to move in anytime however, she hinted that she wanted to take her brother’s room instead of hers.
I had a video call with her and she told me the reason she wanted her brother’s room was that it’s bigger while hers is too small for her and her belongings.
I didn’t know what to tell her. So I told her that I felt uncomfortable with her taking the room while I’m not ready yet to go through her brother’s belongings.
She offered to clean it up and box up all his belongings but I sternly told her that it’s part of my grieving process and I’m the one who’ll want to go through his belongings first when I’m ready.
My daughter looked visibly upset like she didn’t expect me to say this. And proceeded to talk about her current situation and insisted that her old room doesn’t fit her or her stuff.
I told her my son’s room was off the table and that her request was inconsiderate since her room is available but she kept complaining about its size. I told her I won’t open my son’s room for her period.
We started arguing and she told me that she will move in with a friend instead and gave me a guilting ‘thank you for your support’.
I felt absolutely horrible and my husband said I shouldn’t turn our daughter away from her own home and said I was being unfair to our living child.
I did not mean to hurt her, she might’ve thought that I don’t support her enough but it just happened. She’s asking me for something I can not let her have especially now.
I’m not planning on keeping his room intact for long but I feel like I need time to be able to process this part of my grief. She’s not speaking to me only her dad who keeps telling me to let her have the room.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I don’t understand people going off about your daughter being ‘nasty/inconsiderate’. I don’t think you’re a jerk, but I do think there’s a better way to deal with this.
Your daughter is grieving, too.
Your grief is real, but so is hers. Maybe in her mind, spending time in his room going through his things was going to be part of the healing process for her.
It’s much harder to elaborate on this than to say ‘I think the size will be better.’
There are a million other ways to approach this that doesn’t end with a rift in your family (which is what will happen if you treat her like a jerk, as plenty of people are implying you should).
Why not find a way she can be in the room without packing up all his stuff immediately? Store her things in her old room and sleep in his? Etc.
It sounds like in addition to losing her brother she is seriously struggling financially and could your support her as a parent right now.” nyxe12
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you don’t sound like you intend to keep his room as it is for the rest of your life.
If that’s the case and you’d be open to it you could tell your daughter that eventually she could switch to that room if hers really turns out to not be suitable?
I’m not going to insult your daughter, she is young, has lost a sibling, is having financial problems, and maybe other stress factors going on.
So I don’t view her as a monster from this one blip. It was even okay, if insensitive, for her to ask about the room once. But she should respect that you need more time before you can go through your son’s things.
I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child so suddenly.
Or losing a sibling that way. Try to keep communicating with her. I don’t think you’d be happy to lose her, but that doesn’t equal being a doormat to keep her.
You need to find a balance, this grief is so fresh for all of you and everyone grieves differently.
It can be incredibly hard for people to mesh their grieving methods, as the needs can be so different.
Some want to ignore it, not speak about the person they’ve lost, others want to talk about them, to celebrate the life before the loss.
Sounds like maybe the daughter is in bottle everything up mode? And in her not wanting to acknowledge how hard your son’s room being changed is part of her not wanting to deal with the loss fully?
I can’t really say.
But has she ever been overly entitled in her behavior before? Are arguments like this normal between you?
Because if this is the first time things have been like this I’d be inclined to believe her behavior is more complex an issue than an adult child being spoiled.
Also, her rent issues, was her job impacted by the health crisis? Or is there another reason, such as her mental health making it hard for her to work? Or I know it’s a leap but some kind of addiction issues? (Which could be due to grief.
And lots of experts have been saying the health crisis has caused a lot of people issues with sobriety)
I’m sorry for your and your family’s loss. I hope you can mend your relationship with your daughter and all find a way to accommodate each other’s ways of grieving.
So maybe my view is leaning toward ‘no jerks here’ especially if this isn’t normal for her or you. But high emotions leading to a blow up that normally wouldn’t have happened.” LJnosywritter
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
It’s really common for living siblings of dead children to feel completely forgotten or overshadowed by the dead. Many of us feel we lost our parents when our sibling died.
Interestingly, sibling rivalry doesn’t always go away.
If a parent’s favorite child dies, well… They’re never going to leave dirty socks on the floor or buy the same mother’s day card two years in a row. They’re never going to need to take a shower or pass gas in the hall again.
You can’t compete with a memory. When all that’s left are pictures, your golden child sibling is literally picture perfect. Forever. That comparison can be hard to take at any age.
Pushing back against that is pretty normal. Building shrines to the dead is also fairly common for parents. Being horrified by such monuments to the dead, (like a perfectly preserved bedroom) is also a normal response of parents.
It gets difficult when the parents of the dead child are not in agreement about this or when their processing of the grief conflicts with how the living sibling is handling the grief.
Your daughter has been away. Your son is gone. Was he alive, she might be bratty in demanding his room while he was away, but it would not have been an outrageous request.
It is going to take time for her to adjust to the new normal too. Be patient with each other and willing to make amends. That doesn’t mean you have to make any decisions about the room that you aren’t ready for.
Boxes can be stashed in a garage or storage unit. You don’t have to pick away things you aren’t ready to face, and you can ask others for help in a year if you find you will never be ready to face it.” User
5. WIBTJ If I Don't Attend My Best Friend's Wedding Because She Won't Let Me Wear Makeup?
“I am the maid of honor for my best friend of many years’ wedding. I’ve been breaking my back for months now, even taking time off work, to help her with planning and all the other things that go into a wedding.
To be clear, I do not want to or plan to end this friendship over this, I just don’t really know what to do
For context: I am a makeup artist, I wear makeup every day, and I am good at it.
In my opinion (and as my friend had told me) I am significantly more attractive with makeup on, and in all honestly, I lack confidence without it. I also have a scar on my face that I hide with makeup, and am very insecure about.
I bring this up because, in the past, my friend has made MANY comments about my appearances and my makeup to men I’ve been interested in. She says things like ‘you should see her without makeup’ when a guy expresses interest in me or talks about how ‘it can be wiped away’ if a man calls me pretty/beautiful.
In the past, she has apologized for these comments saying she was just jealous I got more male attention than her, but the comments have continued, even recently during her engagement.
Personally, I don’t think it’s true I get more male attention, given that she is getting married and I’m single, but people have made comments to her in the past calling her ‘the ugly friend’ (I disagree) so I partly understand this insecurity.
This morning, I woke up to a text from her thanking me for all my help these past months and saying she had an important request for me: that I don’t wear any makeup to her wedding.
She says if I wear makeup I will ‘overshadow’ (her words) her at her own wedding and it would be unfair because she wants to feel like the most beautiful person in the room as the bride.
I told her that was ridiculous, it’s a wedding, everyone will be wearing makeup and I won’t look good or properly dressed up in the photos if I don’t. I also offered to do more natural makeup and make sure hers was more bright/noticeable than mine (I’m doing her makeup-free of charge).
She turned this down and said I absolutely cannot wear makeup, it’s her wedding, a real friend would want her to have the perfect day, etc. She accused me of wanting to take the attention from her on her special day, etc.
She absolutely refuses to compromise, despite not being able to answer why I specifically can’t wear makeup but everyone else can…
I don’t think this is fair. She knows I’m not as confident without makeup on and won’t like how I look in the pictures.
She knows I have an (albeit minor) scar I’m not comfortable showing. She knows I’ll look out of place among everyone else who will definitely be made up… But we’ve been discussing it all day and she won’t budge.
WIBTJ if I just don’t go?”
Another User Comments:
“Wow! I am so sorry that you are being treated this way by somebody who claims to be your friend. It sounds like it’s been really hard dealing with trying to feel secure with yourself and makeup helps with that.
For her to turn around and attack you over and over for something you feel insecure about already is just mean and in my opinion abusive. She has clearly acknowledged that she does it out of jealousy, and yet she continues to hurt you anyway? And she claims to be a friend? She also uses your labor and support, only to turn around and try to make you look bad at her wedding out of insecurity again? Nope.
Not a friend. I would not go to the wedding, and I would try to get whatever money back that you can after dumping it into such an entitled mean spirited jerk.
I know you said you don’t want to end the friendship, but isn’t this her drawing a line in the sand herself and making it clear that she doesn’t actually view you as a friend but as competition? Actual friends try to support and uplift each other, not tear each other down out of jealousy.
I would think long and hard about continuing this friendship. Honestly not going to the wedding will probably be the death knell anyway: she sounds self-absorbed enough to take offense to you not going.
But if you choose to go and not wear make-up as requested, then you are kinda encouraging her thought process and encouraging her treatment of you. What if you go without the makeup and she decides to take that opportunity to make mean comments about it? That’s the type of person she sounds like.
If you truly want to hold on to this person and go to the wedding then I would just do the ‘natural’ makeup. But don’t be surprised if she starts a fight with you.
I mean seriously, What is she afraid of? That her groom is going to run off with you during the wedding if you wear make-up? Like, come on. If she is that petty and jealous over a long-term friend just looking good, I bet her marriage isn’t going to last very long either.
I actually would be curious to know if her fiancé knows about this; the kind of things she has said to you and how hurtful she has been. If I were her fiancé and I knew that’s how she treats her ‘friends’ that would be a huge red flag for me.
But I bet she’s probably making herself the victim in all her narratives to him about how you apparently upstage her all the time and how she probably thinks you do so on purpose.
That’s what abusers do, make themselves the victim when they can’t control their own feelings.
Basically, NTJ. But she is.” Animegirl300
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friend has basically told you that for her day to be perfect she has to act out her jealousy of you.
She also has a history of trying to put you down in front of other people to make herself feel better. I doubt she is as much invested in the friendship as you appear to be.
Why are you even discussing this with her? Just walk away – and that goes to helping her out too. She’s not worth it. If this is your best friend I think you should seriously sit down and try to work out how you can get some friends who are supportive of you and how you get to the point where you realize that you deserve that.” Cultural-Garden1901
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she’s a fake friend and a jealous pick-me to top it off.
Forcing people down into the same negative space that you occupy is honestly disgusting and it quite certainly is not how you build yourself up. OP there is nothing you can do that can make this very intimate personal issue of hers go away, you not wearing makeup for a couple of hours one day is not going to change how she feels about herself the other 364 days, it’s not even going to change how she feels about herself that one day because all of that insecurity is still going to be there bubbling underneath the surface.
And unless she has a no makeup whatsoever rule there is probably going to be someone else there she wishes she looked like.
I used to feel like the ugly one but instead of making it someone else’s problem, I recognized that I was the only one that could make the changes I wanted to see and guess what? I don’t feel like that anymore, because when I did some self-reflection I was able to recognize the things that I was doing that were perpetuating that cycle of emotions, and when I figured that out I was able to make the changes necessary to break that cycle.
I love myself so much now and I was only able to achieve that because of the work I put into myself.
Op I know you said you weren’t going to let this affect the friendship but I really think you should consider ending it here, if there’s one thing life has taught me it’s that all relationships should serve you in some way and in relationships that are worth it the overall positive push is greater than any negative pull, and love it sounds like this relationship is not only a snag in your life but it doesn’t do all that much for you.
You sound like you have your own issues to be managing and a huge part of me wonders just how much she feeds into them, not to mention that she really seems like the type to try and sabotage you wherever she can so that she can continue to feel superior to you in some way, and if you think about it she already does with the things that she says to men that show interest in you.
In the end, if you do decide to attend the wedding make sure to set the expectation that you are either allowed to wear natural-looking makeup or you will not be present at the wedding in any capacity.” Psychological_Cod727
4. WIBTJ If I Turn In A Group Of Doctors Who Refused To Treat Me?
“I am a disabled military vet from my time spent overseas. 36 year old, female. I rely on the treatment from the VA systems for my healthcare. Which in my personal experiences has always been wonderful in my area.
A few weeks ago I was rushed to the ER with what was the worst head pain I had ever felt and it had come on in an instant. CT ended up being clear and it was diagnosed as a migraine.
The next day is when misery started for me.
Enter two weeks of near-constant agonizing pain. A severely swollen left temple, bad jaw pain, my vision in my left eye was getting worse/seeing double, and there were other symptoms stacked on top of those.
I had been requesting to be seen immediately by my GP (I have most of these requests backed up in emails) and was blown off. I had a strong hunch at what was wrong with me even though (according to the wise Dr.
Google) I’m not supposed to get temporal arteritis until at least age 50. I just wanted to be taken seriously bc I know my body. I feel I have a good grasp on my personal pain levels bc of injuries I have suffered in the military and this was the worst pain I have ever experienced by leaps and bounds.
And it never relented.
Finally, my GP saw me and instantly changed her tune. To start treatment I was to get a biopsy of my left temporal artery. The ENT doctor called me to set that appointment up.
Only he wouldn’t. He told me I had an actual 0% chance of having this and I was wasting mine and theirs if I came it bc I was too young.
He made it clear that he was not entertaining the idea of seeing me at all and ended the phone call. It took another 24 hours of fights/emails/phone calls and being treated like crap to get the biopsy set up for the following morning.
Hey, guess what – I freaking have it.
I am being treated for it but I have suffered permanent vision loss in my left eye bc of the delay in treatment. Let alone what else bc I haven’t even been fully informed on the extent of this disease yet.
I want accountability. I want this drastic mistake to be learned from and other people not to suffer the same type of treatment. Only people around me are telling me my anger is ‘too much.’ That I would be the jerk if I ‘went after doctors’ careers’ Really? Looking for the judgment so I can make sense of this all and make a decision.
And oh yeah. I would have died as a result of this remaining untreated and it could have happened at any time. So, that’s what people are basing their opinion on.
‘You didn’t get hurt/they ended up saving your life/it could have been worse.’ Thoughts?
Update on 9/14/2021
A lot has happened since my original post and I have come to some realizations and also some life changes that I’m happy with the results.
First, let me say that the initial head pain has been gone since I got treatment for it (which was prednisone) although we stopped the treatment after a short time and the pain did not return.
I have had some milder flare-ups but with most, I feel lifestyle (a lot of stress reduction) changes have had the most impact on this positive outcome.
I was approached soon after this was posted 4 months ago about doing a national story and I was intrigued at first I’ll admit but then changed my mind as I felt I didn’t even understand the full scope of what had happened.
In situations like these, I’m left wondering – Is there really a good guy or a bad guy here at all? When we’re in pain and scared we rightfully want answers but there just sometimes aren’t any – or at least none that you are getting.
Our current medical system kneecaps both patients and doctors. It’s designed in a way that keeps both parties at each other’s throats, one never really trusting the other. Both blame each other for their problems.
When our very culture fosters a discourse that seems to get the most attention when disfunction and broken communication are the key elements- no freaking wonder we feel most of the time we’re screaming into the void with no answers.
Because of the arterial biopsy, I have what I can only assume is some pretty messed-up nerves on the left side of my head now. The actual site of the incision lights up like an electric Christmas tree anytime anything even brushes it.
Sending lightning forks of fire/electric pain/tingles across my skull. Which is a little unfortunate bc I wear glasses lol! The vision in my left eye is still messed up some as well.
As far as holding people accountable and making changes I feel like I am meeting those goals- just in different ways than I saw at first. I’ve met so many people that have needed help advocating for themselves and feel unheard.
I’ve also talked to many in the healthcare profession who feel unappreciated and given less credit than a five-minute search on Google. (btw learn like I did and stop using Google to both freak yourself out and be the be-all-end-all of your knowledge base).
While I don’t have a magical plan to suddenly fix all of these problems I can say at least for myself I am now putting in a lot more effort to communicate with my healthcare staff- and just people in general I’d say.
Good communication takes more time but you get better results and end up saving yourself time and hassle in the long run.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Doctors do not take the pain and concerns of women seriously.
Many women have needlessly suffered because of this and many have not survived. The point here is not that you didn’t get hurt, it’s that their negligence could have led to your harm.
You are clearly a strong advocate for yourself, which is a highly admirable trait, but you shouldn’t need strong-arm doctors into providing the necessary care you need. By reporting them you might be saving the life of another woman who isn’t as comfortable pushing back and the importance of that cannot be overstated.” missluluh
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This sure sounds like malpractice to me. The radiologist effectively issued a diagnosis (or at least a rule-out of a diagnosis) in that phone call, resulting in a delay that led to your vision loss.
If the loss is permanent, you will certainly be impacted in other ways. Not only would I complain, but I’d also consult an attorney after you begin treatment and are given a complete diagnosis, treatment plan, and long-term prognosis.” stephindenver
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ.
This is outrageous and you have every right to be mad ‘too much’. Nah you have the right to be BEYOND annoyed. I’m sure the vision damage could have been prevented if they took their heads out of their butts.
They need to either wise up or GET OUT OF THE JOB! Take them down. They are horrible health care workers and I would never want to accidentally have one of them taking care of me.
If they do this to you, they’ll do it to others. Some may not be as resilient as you and just let it go, ending up dying. They should not be working such a job.” dakineuknodakine
3. WIBTJ If I Get My Sister's College Scholarship Revoked?
“I (21m) have been an avid writer my entire life. I have written three full-length novels that I’m almost perpetually reworking and a book of short stories all set within the same universe.
I’ve been working on this universe and the characters within it since I was 13 and it is all very personal to me.
This week, I found out that my younger sister (17f) won a massive scholarship by submitting one of my short stories.
I would have been upset regardless of which story she’d taken, but she happened to pick one based on my experience feeling othered because of my autism. My sister is not autistic and has actually bullied me for my autistic traits in the past, so the fact that this was the story she picked to steal from me almost feels like an attack.
In addition to submitting the story, she also had to write about what inspired her to write the piece, and even thinking about what she must have made up made my blood boil.
My parents are currently struggling for finances and this scholarship would pay for almost her entire first year. Both my parents know what my sister did and they have both asked me to just ‘let it slide’ because my sister having this scholarship is helping our family out a lot.
They were also worried that the school my sister has been accepted to might find out and rescind her admission. They’re both using the excuse that she is just a little girl who made a dumb mistake and that it would be petty and over the top for me, an adult man, to hurt her future over it.
I don’t want to hurt my parents financially, I don’t even really want to hurt my sister, but I don’t want her to have this scholarship. I have all the proof that she is not the real author of the story, but WIBTJ if I actually sent it in? Should I just let it go for the benefit of my family?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your sister should decline the scholarship and withdraw her application. Here’s how I see it:
There was never any guarantee that your sister would get a scholarship. Whatever plan there was to pay for her college without the scholarship should be the plan they fall back on, or she can apply for other scholarships/colleges based on her own merit.
If she forfeits the stolen scholarship your parents are not actually being harmed because they never had it to begin with. ETA: Just read that you are working your way through college.
She can, too. Loss of this scholarship does not harm your family in any way, it just means that your sister has to do the same thing you are doing – earn her degree through hard work and studying.
A student who actually deserved the scholarship was denied. They just shifted the cost of college from an honest, deserving student to one that was dishonest. The other student has been harmed.
When/if this is discovered, your parents might very well be required to pay back the scholarship. Other parents in similar situations are now facing jail time. Your parents would be harmed far in excess of having to pay for her college as they would have done without the scholarship.
You, the actual author of the work, will not be able to publish your own work without being accused of plagiarism. This could impact you and forever deny you from publishing your work because no publishing house would want to touch you with a ten-foot pole after a plagiarism charge.
Alternately, you can never publish this very important piece of your work. You are harmed.
Or, your sister gets to keep the scholarship and attends college under false pretenses. She benefits from her theft by harming everyone else in the equation.
And she learns a horrible lesson in life – that lying is okay to get ahead and you should not care about everyone else that you hurt along the way.” Cascade60
Another User Comments:
“NTJ even if for no other reason than that she is a blatant plagiarist; the academic in me is revolted by the idea of her getting away with it on any level.
That said, I don’t think there’s going to be a happy ending for you, here. Long term, you’re either going to be dealing with the hurt and injustice of what she’s done or dealing with her and your parents holding it against you (and the hurt that will cause you because they clearly fail to recognize the problem and have no respect for your feelings).
Your sister does not deserve the scholarship. The college deserves to know that it has basically been defrauded. The odds that the truth will come out eventually (say when they start wondering why her actual output doesn’t match up with that piece – because they will) are pretty high, and there will be serious consequences.
She/your parents could find themselves sued for the return of the scholarship monies, if the college really wants to push it, criminal charges may be pursued, and your sister’s academic reputation will be trashed.” This_Rom_Bites
Another User Comments:
“You are NOT THE JERK…
But your decision now is not just gonna affect your sister’s future but your own as well. It’s not as easy as what’s fair.
The college will absolutely rescind your sister’s admission, are you prepared for the consequences YOU will get for that.
Your parents are going to be upset WITH YOU!
What if your sister can’t get into another college because of this? Also likely. Colleges don’t like this stuff. Your parents are going to be more upset.
This might cause frostiness for years. Are you ok with going from having a good relationship with your parents to a polite one?
Not going to college has consequences, especially if that was part of the plan.
Your sister will have to adjust and we know that statistically, this means that kids from poorer backgrounds are more likely to end up in poverty, addiction, prostitution, or teenage pregnancy as a result.
There’s a chance your parents will blame you for that. You might blame yourself. Are you ok with that?
This move, might destroy YOUR relationship with your family and cause a split between people that support you and the people that support your sister.
Are you ok with that?
Then there’s your sister who is a 17year old spoiled brat. If you do this, she’s not likely to change. Consequences can cause someone to grow up, but these consequences are more likely to stunt her personal growth and cause her to be too focused on fixing this, to still have a future, that she can’t grow anymore.
And if you don’t… you have the power to force change. Like, you don’t have to pick between going after the scholarship and doing nothing. You can make demands now.
‘Yeah, I’m not gonna do anything, but she has to go to therapy bi-weekly.
Yeah, I’m not gonna do anything, but she needs to take a labor job part-time and that money goes back to the scholarship eventually. Yeah, I’m not gonna do anything, but she needs to write me an apology story that fully encompasses why she was wrong of at least 20pages.’ Etc etc.
And you can force consequences. Just not as huge as the ones you are suggesting right now.” DreamsOfWishes
2. AITJ For Sending A Strongly-Worded Message To Our Competitor?
“I (24F) started this small online baking business almost 3 years ago. I’m currently pursuing an advanced degree and have given all the rights to my older sister (27F). We’re officially registered as a bakery in our town.
I am responsible for updating the monthly calendars and editing photos that are being posted on our social media. I’m in charge of the ‘PR’, so I have access to both accounts.
I noticed that we had a regular customer who frequently orders our French macarons. No big deal. Then I got a little suspicious when she started asking for specific colors while sending cake inspos.
When I did a little digging, lo and behold she has her own online cake business too. She was also using our macarons on her cakes. Repeatedly. At first, I was like, huh.
This isn’t new. I asked someone else to properly credit us and we got tagged repeatedly for the macarons we made. It was so simple, so I messaged the said customer and asked the same thing.
The customer agreed.
Well, I just discovered that what this girl did was literally tag us in a single photo. We don’t pop up at all on the caption, no mention of us or our name alongside the macarons that we made — we can’t even share it! It was pretty obvious that she didn’t want us to have any association with her cakes.
Tbh my sister’s macarons were the reason her cakes look well-made.
This is probably no big deal for you guys out there but this is a small town and only my sister and another local bakeshop make them.
They’re pretty difficult to master.
I got really upset when she recently posted a photo of her latest menu featuring our macarons. It literally says ‘6 pcs macarons’ on her cakes. That’s the quantity that we sell.
I saw red and immediately typed this message:
‘Hi, ma’am! We saw your posted photos and I think it’s a bit unfair to advertise that you include 6 pcs macarons on your (her cakes) but nowhere did it say that we bake them for you (albeit unknowingly and without our permission – we had to do our own digging).
Those are (our shop) macarons. You are willingly deceiving your customers by purposely omitting that another small local business produces these high-quality baked products for your cakes. (see 1st photo = her menu)
If you’re going to continue using our French macarons for your products permanently, it is only right that you place our name alongside the macarons each time you use them.
e.g. ‘6 pcs macarons by (our shop)’ For example (see 2nd photo = a customer/baker who featured our name+product on her post), a good baker knows how to properly credit the local businesses that she employs.
It’s a small thing but very thoughtful nonetheless. I hope you will do the same for your future transactions with us.’
My sister thought I was being rude but I told her that I was just being stern.
Her point was that our product is no longer ours once she puts it into her cake. I told her that it’s different when it comes to baked goods. She’s literally taking credit for her (sis) hard work.
So, AITJ?
Edit: Forgot to say that every time we get credited on our products, they get thanked and shared on our page for exposure. It’s how we support other local businesses.
It’s common courtesy.
2nd Edit: We make macaron cakes too. One of our main selling points is the fact that we make custom cakes which highlight our high-quality macarons.
To those people making an argument that the macarons = ingredient, it’s not.
Macarons are a finished product. It is not equal to flour, sugar, or any raw material. We’re not Oreos or (insert big name brands here). We’re just a small business.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It would be one thing if you made and sold cake decorations specifically, and she was a buyer- but you’re both bakeries. Presumably, you also make cakes. Honestly, it’s deceitful to do it without asking in the first place, but you’re willing to overlook that if she would just give credit.
She’s apparently not willing to do that.” LilLatte
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. She’s paying the retail price and using your cookies as an ingredient, her business doing well is good for you as you don’t even have the same customer base.
I get why you’re mad but it’d benefit both of you if you changed your perspective.” thenerdyninjastoner
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Before you downvote, hear me out. I’m coming at this from a legal, finance, and business perspective.
The macarons aren’t trademarked. You make the product and sell the product in a retail capacity. I’m assuming (correct me if I’m wrong) you don’t have the verbiage ‘not labeled for individual sale’ on your product packaging.
Because of these LEGAL facts, the customer reselling your product is simply doing business and it’s legal. I’m sure it’s frustrating and I get it, but that’s not how the biz world works.
You have a small business and a customer is paying retail prices for your product in seemingly large enough quantity that would in effect be wholesale purchasing. That is cash flow and it’s a good thing.
It’s annoying you didn’t get credit / your company didn’t – but that’s now owed to you. If a convenience store brews coffee and sells it by the cup they don’t have to inform customers who roasted the beans originally.
It’s a retail sale. Just like a local pizza joint that buys fresh bread from bakery _A and sells the break as part of their delicious subs/ the pizza joint doesn’t have to credit the bakery and if the baker came at the pizza joint they probably would find another retailer.
Just like you sell your product retail this is the territory that comes with it.
If you had a copyright patent or if you had some other legal remedy that would hold your product accountable for people retailing it then that’s different.
The jerk part comes in because of the approach. People that pay you for your products fulfill their end of the contract. They don’t owe you advertising and you shouldn’t expect it or go about asking this person in the manner you did.
If you approached her softly and asked for a way to mutually benefit each person (in terms of the macarons) maybe she would take kindly to tagging you and buying more quantities.
But coming at her in the way you did isn’t going to sell more product and build relationships – the nature of business.” chillytaco95
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I can’t believe how many responses are saying not the jerk.
Why on earth you would alienate a primary customer like this is beyond me, it’s so weirdly illogical. This is how business works. You sell goods and someone else uses them.
It doesn’t matter how they use it, you give up the rights to the goods once ownership passes unless it meets a small number of exceptions (e.g. intellectual property) or there was an arrangement prior (e.g.
Starbucks-sourced coffee credited at an independent retailer).
If you don’t source the goods for this repeat customer, they will just source from someone else. And what on earth does ‘6 pieces’ have to do with anything??? I’m so dumbfounded by your logic, or rather lack thereof.
Plus the message to the customer was so passive-aggressive – ‘You are willingly deceiving your customers’ and ‘a good baker knows how to properly credit the local businesses that she employs.’ Any chance at a constructive discourse went down the drain after you sent that message.
I saw in one of your comments that you now want to propose an arrangement where there’s a discount for her buying in bulk plus crediting your business on her cakes and that you don’t want ‘bad blood’ between you.
Good luck with that after your message!
And you went behind your sister’s back to do it! If you have an equal share in the business, why didn’t you consult with her first? Is she relying on her baking business as her primary source of income?
I’m also not even sure if what your demanding of her is legal. Several commentators have noted that the ‘First Sale Doctrine’ applies here. Did you check the legality of what you are demanding before sending your customer the message?” throwaway_____FFS
1. AITJ For Screaming At And Insulting The Phone Clerk After The Company Tried To Steal From Me?
“I had a root canal a month ago – the clinic charged my insurance $800 and me $1600. I paid. But the root canal was botched, and my regular dentist had to pull the tooth out because it was more painful AFTER the operation than before.
Another $1000 I had to pay.
This morning, the clinic that did my root canal called, saying that my insurance didn’t pay their share, so they are billing me the extra $800.
I changed jobs in early May, I now have different health insurance, and my old insurance won’t talk to me. The woman on the phone (‘Emma’) says I have to pay $800 or they will ‘collect’ from me.
I asked her to discuss the bill since I’m already out $2600 for a BOTCHED surgery. Emma refuses. Basically, she says she is UNABLE to influence my bill, and that it is AGAINST POLICY to let me talk to her superior.
I ask her to just hand the phone to her superior. She repeatedly refuses and tells me that my ONLY OPTION is to pay and ‘keep quiet.’
I lost my cool and started screaming – like ‘QUIET? YOU WANT ME TO BE QUIET WHILE YOU FLEECE ME?!’ Emma hung up on me.
I called back, Emma again, I continue lambasting her. She hangs up, I call back, I scream, etc. I called back non-stop for close to 3 full hours, every time getting angrier.
After a couple of hours, I was not even bothering to ask Emma to let me talk to her superior anymore, I was just insulting her. I’d call, she’d sigh and say ‘we have other patients, please stop calling…’ and I’d go ‘If you want me to stop calling, stop being a stupid idiot’.
Insults included calling her all swear words I could think about, fat witch, saying her parents are ashamed of her, telling her to roll up my bill and shove it up her rectum, etc.
She kept basically begging me to calm down and saying stuff like ‘I can’t do anything to help you, please, I’m a human being, have empathy.’ To which I replied that I AM A HUMAN BEING TOO, AND HER COMPANY IS TRYING TO SCREW ME OVER.
She chose to work for these people, and she chose to refuse to hand the phone to her superior.
It took 3 hours, but her manager finally picked up the phone from Emma and tried to lambast me for ‘being rude to the clerk’.
I screamed ever harder at the manager, who also swore that it was totally impossible to lower my bill. Then, I finally said I don’t care how much it costs me, but my next call is to a lawyer, and I’m suing the clinic for malpractice.
IMMEDIATELY, all the ‘it’s impossible to lower your bill’ went away, and the manager canceled the bill. From $800 to $0 in one second as soon as suing was on the table.
So, since Emma could get her manager on the phone, and since my bill could be canceled all along, and they just tried to steal from me, I feel I did nothing wrong.
My wife is upset at me for screaming at ‘this poor girl.’ But IT WORKED. Was I a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“You are 1000% the jerk here. Ok so it’s sucking the situation you are in and I’m legitimately sorry for that.
That aside… I have to wonder about your mental stability here. That receptionist’s only job was to call you and inform you of the situation. This is quite literally a ‘don’t shoot the messenger’ type deal.
Even as your situation sucks it is quite literally insane that you called this person for 3 hours. Where did it get you? Nowhere. So what was the point of going on a tirade? If you intended on bringing a lawyer in…
that’s fine but you should have brought that up sooner than after 3 hours of personally insulting a receptionist for simply doing a job that she probably didn’t want to do in the first place.
Also… really name-calling and personally insulting anyone to this degree is uncalled for in any situation. It’s people like you that make any job that deals with the general public an absolute misery.
I work in a call center I’ve seen and heard my share of trash but this takes the cake and that’s not something to be proud of.
YTJ and you should really self-access yourself if you are here on a public forum asking if the behavior you displayed is appropriate or not.
Spoiler alert it isn’t.” Ayamasu
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Three hours?
Three hours, dude? Three whole honest to god hours?
You used three whole hours of your single life given to you on god’s green earth to do this?
If you had yelled at her and then she ended the call and that was that – fair enough.
Our healthcare system is a nightmare… but, quite frankly, for these types of things, you would want all of this to be done on paper anyway. This is a problem that requires documentation.
Especially if you think somebody is grifting you. You need that paper trail to cover your own butt if you think you’re dealing with somebody shady. So by not doing that, you could argue that you were a jerk to yourself.
The insurance company will also want all that paperwork in order for you to have any decent chance of overturning their decision… which should have been your next port of call anyway.
But you didn’t. You called up this person, again and again, to continue screaming at her. For three hours! Three! That is definitely crossing a line.
She didn’t have the power to help you, and you then went on to insult her for…
Let’s see your choice of insults… happening to be a woman. A woman in a position of power beneath you. A woman who had offended you by not being able to do something beyond her job.
Wow, that misogyny was just waiting to leap on out of there, huh? And again, you called her over and over to do this FOR THREE HOURS.
If nothing else, think about your own interests here.
Say that they took you up on that offer for court. Do you think that three hours of slinging slurs at the top of your lungs was going to make you look good? How far into that recorded-for-customer-service-compliance conversation do you think this office would let that tape stop playing, as opposed to just waiting until the judge said they’d heard quite enough? Do you think that was going to convince a judge? Do you think that was going to sway people to see your side? Absolutely not.
You sound like someone who is unhinged. That’s not just shooting yourself in the foot, that’s taking a piece of artillery and completely obliterating your lower half. Best-case scenario, you would have gotten your money back…
and then also gotten more legal problems to deal with. Do you really want to deal with things like ‘has a restraining order out against them’ popping up when a new job does a background check on you? Do you think that’s going to make your life easy and happy and pleasant?
If I were your wife, I would be looking at you in an intensely different light.
I now know you are one bad day away from going off on me like that. And if you’ll do all this for a bill, one step out of line for a far more personal stake of ‘betraying you’, and she’s going to have to just about fake her death to get away from you calling her endless hateful slurs.
I mean, you were this angry about a lowly office peon telling you that she can’t do something. God knows the kind of anger you would have against your wife for whatever ‘betrayal’ she may commit.
Because this right now? Where you are? You are currently in the first 15 minutes of your wife’s episode of a true-crime tv show on the lifetime channel. It is your wife’s episode because it is the one discussing you murdering your wife.
We’re about to hit the interview with her parents where her mom says that she heard about this and told her daughter that you were just acting out of character and to give you some grace, and then her mom’s voice breaks and her dad pats mom’s back while trying to look stoic but also clearly about to start crying.
And then her dad says something along the lines of ‘my wife blames herself, we both do’ and they start sniffling in earnest.
That is where we are! there is a big arrow pointing to this with the caption YOU ARE HERE.
This is not okay! You are not okay!
I hope to God this is you acting from a place of pain. I’m disabled with chronic pain. Believe me when I say I get it.
Topping out the top of the pain chart is a place that means I do sometimes feel myself turning into Katie Kaboom from Animaniacs. But I am an adult, and that means when I feel my inner witch clawing at the back of my throat to get out, I remove myself from the situation.
I DON’T GET TO JUST HURT PEOPLE. That’s not the responsible and correct thing to do. I sincerely hope that you are at this place and that the fix is that easy.
I sincerely hope you look at all these comments and really have it sink in how messed up this is, and how messed up it is that you even had to ask if you did a bad thing.
I’m not going to tell you that this is going to be pleasant or easy. It is bitter work. But I hope that this is where you are and that this is where you will look at yourself in the mirror and go, ‘I don’t like that monster staring back at me.
I’m going to do my best to make sure he never runs amok again.’
If not?
Well, I’m sure your in-laws will provide a very nice picture for that ending title card slide ‘in memoriam’ of your wife, and maybe list a few domestic violence hotlines if we’re lucky and the lifetime channel remembers.” oooeeerrr
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
A raging one. People in customer service are doing a job as a middle-man between the company and you. They have no power over the situation, they are just there to make sure it gets settled.
You can be as upset as you would like, but calling over and over again for hours is harassment, and she was well within her rights to have the police come and arrest you.
I’m sure they recorded your calls ‘for quality assurance,’ so they can always opt to do so going forward. Good luck getting any health care in your town after this. I’m pretty sure this dentist will drop you as a patient and will call the last one and have the blacklist you too. I really hope you don’t treat your wife and children like this because you belong in jail.” steffie-flies
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