People Explain Their Actions In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
19. AITJ For Trying To Teach My Younger Brother How To Groom Himself?
“I (22F) am very close with my younger brother (14M) in comparison to our other siblings, so he shares a lot of his worries, insecurities, etc. with me as he feels comfortable doing so.
Well, the other day my brother was acting off. My family couldn’t notice it, but I find it easier to pick up his moods. When I asked him what was up, he told me that he was feeling depressed from not feeling like he was attractive and that due to his hair (he has afro-textured hair) he has been teased a lot by his peers.
Normally people of our ethnicity (which is the majority that attends his high school) have straight hair, so this makes him stand out from the crowd.
Of course, I understand that high school kids are just little idiots, and what they say is irrelevant in the future, but he doesn’t and at the same time I didn’t want to invalidate his feelings.
So I invited him to a pseudo spa day in my room. We don’t have a dad so he never learned the basics of grooming, so I taught him how to shave his face.
He knows the very minimum of skincare so I taught him how to take care of his skin properly and manage teenage acne. I straightened his hair with a hot comb for him to see if he preferred his hair straight, and he did.
I could see his eyes light up. Especially because he was so excited to tie his hair up too.
Well, one other thing he was insecure about was body hair. I told him that he could apply the same technique from his face shaving to his body hair.
However, at this point, I just received a hard wax kit after switching from soft wax (I work part-time as a beautician). He was curious about it, so I did it for him.
His legs and his arms. He was honestly really happy with how the wax was removing the hair and due to him being in different sports in high school, he also felt like it would create a good effect from that.
The thing is, midway through the waxing session our older brother (25M) saw what we were doing. He pulled a disgusted face and demanded to know what I was doing. I told him and I could see him getting angry, but also holding his tongue because our younger brother was there.
But before he left, he made sure to comment ‘that’s disgusting.’
I later came downstairs only to have my older brother yell at me for doing weird things with my younger brother, and that allowing him to wax his body hair was weird and gross.
He said that whilst shaving is an okay form of grooming, waxing was too far and would put weird ideas into his head about grooming and body image. He also told me that I was ruining our younger brother’s chance of ever loving himself and growing a backbone by straightening his hair.
And that I’m the reason he’s so soft. Our older brother is someone who thinks that suffering builds character. My mum (47F) didn’t care about the other parts, she did have a problem with the wax.
They said that I’m not teaching him to love himself and that’s why I’m the jerk. That I’m setting a routine he’ll never be able to mimic again.
It has me wondering, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you should have left his hair alone.
(Black girl speaking) I know he gets bullied for it but black hair is a lifelong love-hate journey, and straightening the hair will give him the impression that his afro hair really isn’t of value and that he should just fit in with people and look the same as people of whole different ethnicities…
he is being convinced from his peers, media, and now his sister that his black hair needs to be ‘fixed.’ Instead, you should have shown him some lookbooks and male models with his hair type, show him different styles he can do with his hair type, etc.
I’m afraid that now he is going to want to put relaxers in his hair, which kills the scalp and the follicle and is seriously just a very negative mental/physical process for most black people.
Forcing yourself to have a different hair type every day is a TON of effort with minimal reward. You should try to convince him that his natural hair is beautiful.
But everything else you did was so sweet, you are a good big sister.” alotatola
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You’re the only one who chose to step up and help your brother when he needed it. Your older brother needs to grow a backbone and accept that he’s different from your brother.
He has had every opportunity to step up and help his younger brother, however, has chosen not to so he needs to either step up and help/guide his younger brother or mind his own business.” G8RTOAD
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your brother is insecure about his looks and you showed him ways to deal with it in safe conditions (I mean come on, you’re a beautician, you know exactly what you’re doing!) It’s much better than if he tried on his own and hurt himself by applying poorly chosen products or cut himself with a razor.” MicciMichi
18. AITJ For Not Giving My Son Funds For College?
“My son graduated in 2010 and my husband and I offered to pay for college for him and he said no he wants to start working. He wanted the money we would have used in college in cash and we told him no that we wouldn’t be giving him funds directly only if he wants more education.
He eventually gave up and we agreed to give him my used Corolla and 5k to get started. My daughter graduated in 2013 and took up our offer of college and graduated in 2017 with a degree in mathematics.
We paid off the house with the amount we would have spent on our son and due to both my husband and me having some chronic conditions that would make us susceptible to getting sick we retired early.
My son now comes back and wants to go to college which we support but he asked us to pay for college. We told him we were retired and provisioned enough money for us to live off of but not for us to pay for his college.
He has 8k saved up which would be enough for a semester and then he would have to pay out of pocket. He thinks we are playing favorites because we paid around 50k for my daughter’s schooling and gave him a car and 5k which is probably 15k total so he’s basically demanding we pay the difference or we won’t be invited to his wedding or be allowed to see his children.
I basically told him threatening us is not going to make the funds come back and we offered it to him when he graduated but he said the funds shouldn’t have a time limit and he’s owed whatever we paid our daughter otherwise it’s favoritism.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your son is a major jerk with a strong sense of entitlement.
You made the same offer to both children to fund education & your son didn’t accept it. It’s very understandable and completely appropriate to want children to go to college & have a fund the child benefits from ONLY for that, not to take and spend on whatever.
Your son was pushy back then, wanting cash, and he’s pushy now. His pushiness back then did get him something you hadn’t offered him (or his sister)—$5K & a car. Now, he’s hoping that pushing will get some funds out of you (if not a free ride to college).
He seems to have no concern for your health issues. I think he’s using the ‘playing favorites’ argument to try to manipulate you. He’s also trying to blackmail you with threats of barring you from his wedding and grandkids.
You were right to say that threats won’t bring that funds back.
Please don’t go into debt or jeopardize your savings or medical care for him. This is the kind of kid who could do the kind of thing I’ve heard about in other families of pitching a fit if you don’t give him your house once he has kids or if you won’t mortgage it to pay for their private schooling.
Drawing boundaries is best for everyone involved.” TravelMuchly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s a grown man asking his retired parents to work again, during a health crisis, so that he doesn’t have to.
Sooooo NTJ. I beg you not to fall for this nonsense. Remind him that manipulation is a terrible character flaw and that you’re immune to it. I’m sure as a parent your nonsense meter is still intact.
You shouldn’t tell him more than once: you don’t play favorites, you gave them equal opportunity, he chose another path, which is fine, but they were teens when you offered college, and still your dependents.
He’s gotta be 30!! Where were you at 30? I bet not begging your parents to come out of retirement to support your lazy butt after you turned down their free ride when you were 18!
Bottom line: he would rather you work and go into debt than he works and go into debt.
Not about favoritism. That’s an excuse. Has he always been this way or is this new? Has he always played favorites? Always been disrespectful of you, your money, your efforts, your time? If yes, tell him you won’t be manipulated and that if he wants to cut you off, that is also his choice, but to remember now he regrets his choice to turn down the ride in the first place.
If no, then maybe something else is going on and you might want to ask him where this is all coming from, suddenly, at nearly 30 years old.” wwitchiepoo
17. AITJ For Insisting My Friend Pay Me Back?
“Around Halloween, my friend group of five, including myself, was looking for something spooky to do. After some searching, I found something interesting, and when I brought it up (in a group chat) everyone confirmed that they were interested.
This being a trying time you have to book and reserve everything. It would be messy if we each individually went through the booking process, so my friends appointed me as event planner.
I told everyone that I would be buying the tickets together, but I wanted everyone to pay me back for their own individual ticket by the end of October. Everyone said that was completely fine, and so I proceeded to buy the tickets.
Two of my friends e-transferred me the $22.77 ticket fee right away. And the other friend paid me in cash just before we went out for the event. The final friend, let’s call them Emma, still has not paid me even though it has been more than a month.
At the start, I gave gentle text reminders about every two weeks, and when I saw her in person I’d say something similar to ‘Whenever you get the spare change can you pay me back for the ticket please?’
She’s started ignoring me about the matter and my other friends are telling me to let it go because it’s not a lot to get upset over.
I’ve explained that I don’t exactly have the cash to spare, that I can’t afford to pay for friends, and I only bought the tickets on the group’s behalf because they confirmed that they could afford to pay me back.
After this discussion, Emma has outright refused to pay me back. Am I the jerk here?
Edit: The planning happened on October 19th, and the actual event was on the 22nd of October.
My friends didn’t have a month to pay me back. At most, they had 9 days.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, Emma’s the jerk. Things like this really bother me because the only reason you spent the funds was on the condition you were getting paid back.
I’ve learned the hard way from situations like this that it’s always best to get payment up front, that way you’re not giving people the ability to rip you off.” 604nini
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for giving the month payback period, obvious this would happen.
Should have just let everyone pay for themselves, always think these situations through.” mamsf
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I would be looking for revenge the first chance I get. I’d organize a dinner with everyone and then say you’ll take your bill out of what Emma owes you. And if everyone kicks up a stink, tell your friends they can pool together and pay your portion since ‘it’s not even a lot.'” lumpthefoff
16. AITJ For Losing My Cool At My Landlord For Yelling At Me Because I'm Afraid Of Dogs?
“I’m in a sharehouse, and I found it via a flatmate app. One of the criteria you can define is pets. No pets, pets, or cats okay. I checked no pets, cats were okay.
I have an irrational phobia of dogs from a couple of traumatic experiences in childhood. Got this place, loved it absolutely loved the landlords, had a great time for a couple of months.
Then one of them said she was bringing a dog in from the Foster house as there was no space. For 5 days. I was hesitant but there was not much I could do.
I’m terrified all the time. The dog isn’t inherently a bad dog. It’s actually well behaved but because of my fear even if it starts running towards me I can’t control my involuntary reactions which is to run or shout which would make it worse.
Knowing that’d how I’d be, I tend to be really careful and only leave my room when the dog is outside.
5 days passed and it’s been a few weeks. The dog is still here and I’m irrationally mortified at all times, I try to stay out as much as possible, can’t be in the kitchen even when the dog is outside coz I can see it at all times trying to jump at the door handle to open it through the glass and it puts me at unease.
Spent a lot on uber eats, can’t use the pool, etc. I never complain, because to me my fear is a ‘me’ problem. She’s been nice about it like when I come back home and the dog is in the house I usually peek my head in to check if the dog is inside and when she sees me she will hold the dog until I’m safely in my room.
She’s also trained it well such that when she’s sitting down and the dog is next to her the dog will not move.
Slowly I started being able to hang out in the kitchen a little more with the dog in the house without the lead because I started trusting that the dog will not come toward me.
Today I came back home with my partner and as I opened the door the owner was also coming in from the garage, with the dog. Unleashed. The dog started trotting I’m guessing towards my partner who was with me at the time so I started freaking out and almost wanted to run I couldn’t stop myself from voicing out a curse word and she yelled at me STOP DOING THAT! IT’S ANNOYING WHEN YOU DO THAT! I’M JUST TRYING TO GET HER TO THE BACK! I just ran to my room and cried.
But I did say out loud to my partner I TICKED NO PETS FOR A REASON AND I’VE BEEN PAYING RENT WHILE TRYING TO AVOID BEING HERE TO BE ACCOMMODATING AND IF THIS IS HOW IT IS I SHOULDN’T BE PAYING FULL RENT!
And I think the owners might have heard me.
IDK what do you guys think? I’m moving out this Friday. But just need some perspectives because I really do like them as people, they’ve been above and beyond helpful to me.
E.g. picking me up from the train station, folding my laundry when I forget to take it out, lots of little kind gestures. AITJ and what should I do?
Update: Yes, I have told the owners of my fear prior to this.
Regarding the fear, I’m not afraid of them outside, I used to be and got some help but still, it sticks when they approach me indoors because I have a trapped feeling I don’t really know how to explain.
Hence my choosing a pet-free house.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
From the sounds of it, there was a mutual agreement between both yourself and your landlords that there would be no pets. It was very nice of you to agree to let them foster the dog for a few days but they’ve clearly breached that trust and gone well over the agreed time period.
Clearly, they are aware of your fear and have not only abused your kindness with you making a very brave exception, but they think it’s okay to complain about your reaction to something that causes you great discomfort.
They are very much in the wrong and they should be told so. Don’t feel guilty for this at all, all the nice things they’ve done do not excuse the fact that they are putting you in a fairly traumatic position and they need to recognize that.
I’m sure they are otherwise lovely people and friends, but in this case, they have been rude and ignorant of your feelings and wellbeing. I hope you enjoy the place you’re moving to and don’t have landlords that abuse your kindness!” baked_snake
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I say this as a huge animal lover.
Going forward you need to speak to landlords about this. I know apps make it so ‘easy’ to check a box, but a lot of things slip through the cracks.
You would only be a jerk to yourself by not making things easier for you to live comfortably.
I am so sorry you have a traumatic experience to blame and hope you can find peace with this phobia, but I get it. I have a severe phobia as well and the only thing I could do was move out of the place which caused me daily panic attacks.
Be kinder to yourself, you did a lot more than you should have here.” ShibeDogeBork
Another User Comments:
“NTJ –
She shouldn’t have put you in that position. It wasn’t malicious on her side.
When you didn’t specifically object to her saying that she was bringing a foster home, she assumed you were flexible.
In this case, you needed to go beyond checking a box that said no pets and proactively tell her that you weren’t okay with having a dog there and why.
If you had done that you could have either given notice or negotiated something (e.g., reduced rent, a short time frame for having the dog there while she found an alternative).” GrWr44
15. AITJ For Not Wanting My Dad To Walk Me Down The Aisle If He Wears Jeans?
“I (38F) will be getting married next month. My parents divorced when I was five, and my father remarried and started a new family pretty abruptly. My parents’ divorce was extremely toxic.
As often happens when men divorce, he was amazing to his new kids and pretty much bailed on my full brother and me – seeing us a couple of times a year, maybe.
Over the last 30 years, my father and I have had a rocky, at best, relationship. I have always been very independent and taken care of myself, not having asked anything of my parents in 20ish years.
In my 30s, our relationship has gotten somewhat better, but we will never have a close, daddy-daughter relationship. My fiance has loved me through some pretty deep-rooted insecurity and abandonment issues due to my upbringing and has not always been the biggest fan of my dad.
My fiance and I got engaged last Christmas, and as soon as we announced it, he took my fiance (36M) aside and told him, ‘You know, it’s tradition to ask the father’s hand in marriage before getting engaged.’ My fiance responded, ‘Yeah, well, I think we can agree that your relationship with your daughter is not all that traditional.’ And they left it at that.
My fiance told me about the conversation soon after, and it struck me as odd, because I have never asked for his permission for anything, and he didn’t raise me.
Aside from that, all has gone pretty well over the last year while we have been wedding planning.
He offered to help pay a generous portion of the expenses. I asked him to do me the honor of walking me down the aisle, which to be completely honest, never really felt totally right for me to begin with because the whole bit about being given away is so outdated, and just doesn’t sit right with me, given our history, but I thought it would be important to him.
My fiance and I are totally non-religious but we asked him to say a prayer at our non-religious ceremony because he is very religious, and told us it was important to him for God to bless our marriage.
A couple of weeks ago I was on the phone with him and he was insisting that he would wear jeans to my ceremony. My wedding is a smaller, upscale destination wedding.
We explicitly wrote no jeans on our wedding invites. After going back and forth with him, him insisting he would wear jeans, and me holding my ground and sticking to my guns with my dress code, I finally told him, ‘fine, if you want to wear jeans, you can sit in the audience.’
After that comment, I didn’t hear from him for a few days – he then messaged to let me know he was avoiding me because I ‘disrespected’ him while my half brothers and stepmom were within earshot and that I owe him an apology.
Personally, I feel pretty hurt and disrespected myself. The least this man can do for me is wear a suit to my wedding. In my eyes, telling him he would not walk me down the aisle was a reasonable response to him crossing my boundaries and my dress code for my wedding, and I do not believe I owe him an apology.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I think you need to call (or write) your dad and have a little talk, I know what I would be saying. I’m infuriated for you OP.
‘Hi Dad, I was thinking about what you said about respect, so I was looking up the definition of respect, which is basically ‘having due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights or tradition of others.’
So that got me thinking of all the ways you disregarded my feelings and disrespected me over the years.
You divorced mom, and saw me only a few times a year, completely ignoring the rights I had as a child to receive affection and attention from my parents. You disregarded my feelings about watching you be a good parent to other children all while being an all but absentee parent to myself.
You stated that my fiancé didn’t ask for your permission to marry me like it was an issue. As if it’s 1850, and I’m a piece of property that you, a man, are trading to my husband, a man, for 5 chickens and a goat.
Making your own daughter feel like property and not a person who has the right to choose who she married for herself.
Instead of respecting my beliefs at my own wedding, you wanted a prayer to respect yours.
Completely ignoring what I want at my own wedding, because you feel a need to have god ‘bless our marriage’, a need that my fiancé and I don’t share.
You inform me that you will be attending my formal wedding in jeans.
Thinking you are going to give away your daughter looking like the dad at a shotgun, courthouse, addict’s wedding?
I have tried to compromise. I was going to allow you to walk me down the aisle, I was going to allow you a prayer.
I have shown you respect and acknowledged your feelings and beliefs over and over and gotten nothing but more of your selfish demands in return.
If you were to come to my wedding in jeans you would stick out like a sore thumb.
Everyone would get to see what kind of a father you really are. Not to mention that you would completely embarrass me and my fiancé.
So as respect is having ‘due regard’ for someone, as I see it, you have gotten all the regard you are due.
You were absent by my side in my childhood, you can be absent from my side at my wedding. You are reaping the ‘respect’ you have given me.’
In case it wasn’t clear NTJ.” BadwolfRoseTyler
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
He is being disrespectful to even suggest dressing down at your wedding. He should want to look his best as a reflection of his feelings towards you. At least that’s how I feel when I dress up.
If it’s for an occasion like a celebration I feel like it’s the right thing to do to honor the person the party is for. Or for work to show respect for the job or whatever.
It’s for others is what I mean. I get wanting to be comfortable but wouldn’t he feel a little out of place with everyone in suits and him in jeans? It seems wrong.
You don’t really want him walking you down the aisle anyway so it looks like the bow tied itself.” WoofingtonSpiff
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It looks to me like he’s being narcissistic. It’s quite possible getting married without his blessing was a slight to him in his eyes.
It’s not about caring about you, it’s about respecting him. It’s an ego thing. Everything he’s doing is to assert control. Insisting on asking his permission for your hand, bringing his religion into it, walking you down the aisle, even paying for your wedding.
The pants are a power play. You should not entertain him and I wouldn’t recommend inviting him to your wedding. Everything, you and your wedding by extension, are a reflection upon himself in his eyes I’m betting. He won’t be able to handle all of the attention on you during the ceremony. Such people cause scenes at weddings.” TheCheshireKitten
14. AITJ For Not Accepting My Best Friend's Bridesmaid Invitation?
“So I recently got engaged In September ’21 and my partner and I decided that we would get married in September 2022. For anyone who doesn’t know, 2022 is the busiest year for weddings since the 80s so I had my work cut out for me.
A month later everything is booked, save the dates, etc…
Now, in the past week, one of my bridesmaids (my best friend) has been talking with her partner about marriage and they are choosing a ring as we speak.
However, she told me that she had decided that she was having a destination wedding and that she was planning for it to be two weeks before or two weeks after my wedding.
She then said that I would definitely be a bridesmaid and she asked if she could have my wedding budget sheets and any other info I had researched.
I said I was happy to give her my research but that however even though I would be honored to be a bridesmaid, I couldn’t afford to be a part of it as well as fund my own wedding, especially considering that it was a destination wedding.
She didn’t say anything but let me give her my information about weddings and then went home. She now hasn’t spoken to me all week, even though I’ve tried to call and text.
Am I the jerk for not being a part of her wedding even though she’s in mine?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I feel like she’s tried to railroad your event and take the spotlight off you… I mean why does she have to do it so close to your wedding? It sounds like she’s trying to compete with you almost and come on, she could pick any timeframe but chose yours?
I feel like it was a mistake to give her all your research material too… who wants to bet she now tries to copy your ideas!
Just be polite to her, grit your teeth, and say ‘Thanks again but weddings are hugely expensive and we can’t be flying to yours 2 weeks before or after our own wedding.’
If you lose her as a friend then you have to wonder what kind of friend would not allow you to have the spotlight for once.
Also, you’re well within your rights now to cut her out of the bridal party. For me, it’s an attention/trust issue and who wants to bet she may be a no show anyway?” ColdstreamCapple
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Even if you weren’t having a wedding you still have every right to decline to be a bridesmaid. Honestly, I’ve done it once and would never do it again.
But the fact you’re going to clearly have a wedding of your own, which 1.
Costs a lot and 2. Involves a lot of time and stress with planning, I don’t really know why she would expect you’d be able to fulfill any duties/costs.
If it’s 2 weeks before you’ll have a lot of your own things to be dealing with, if it’s 2 weeks after you’ll still be recovering financially and likely want a break from all the wedding stuff and may even be planning a honeymoon.
Perhaps the date is very important to her, but honestly, I’d never plan a wedding that closes to another friend’s wedding.” the_littlest_ella
Another User Comments:
“You say she’s your best friend but I think she’s far from that.
You already had a date set for your wedding, have all the plans in action, everything booked, and she decides that she wants her wedding within weeks of yours? If she’s getting engaged now and wants a destination wedding, why not make it early next year at least? Why try to not only steal your thunder but also inconvenience you by asking you to take time out of your planning to be a part of her wedding? Assuming you have friends in common, now everyone has two weddings to go to back to back?
NTJ but your friend is a big jealous one and someone who is not your friend.
Let her not talk to you. You have set your date and everyone will know what the deal is, how she’s trying to take away from your day in order to have one for herself.
You even gave her all your wedding info! How convenient for her. This isn’t some birthday party, it’s a once-in-a-lifetime, major event! You are taking this much better than I would.
I would be fuming!
I’m sorry that during such a happy time, you have someone you are close to trying to take away from your joy. Do your thing, get married, and be happy. Forget this person. You don’t need friends like that.” ladyblue56
13. AITJ For Not Paying My Friend?
“So my friend hits me up asking if I wanna go to a concert. Assuming he already has the tickets, I say sure I’m down. He then asks me ‘so does $100 sound ok to you?’ I don’t have much right now and I told him that, but then he says that he already bought the tickets and expects me to pay him for one of them.
Am I wrong for not wanting to pay? As I mentioned, he bought the tickets before I even agreed to the price.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He should have spoken to you about the price of the tickets before purchasing.
But he may have bought them in advance to pressure you into paying. At this point, I wouldn’t go and leave him with the extra ticket especially if I wasn’t told the price in advance and can’t afford it.” DeepDarkBlues_96
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – if you can’t afford it just be upfront about it.
Real friends don’t force anything and will understand that there are more important things for $$ than a concert ticket. Also, you didn’t agree to the price and it sorta feels like their 1st option backed out and they’re trying to get you to buy the extra ticket so they don’t lose out.” LeafandStone88
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your friend should have mentioned this, to begin with. If I were you I’d just decline to go. But if you’re wanting to still go you’re gonna have to fork out that $100.
Even if it wasn’t discussed at first you can’t possibly have someone pay for you to go to an event just because you don’t have the funds. Him already paying for them also has nothing to do with you. That’s his own problem to deal with. Someone probably canceled on him and he’d thought you’d be someone to ask.” Most-Tank4715
12. AITJ For Discussing My Friend's Bad Spending Habits With Them?
“My friend who I will refer to as N has a toxic relationship with finances. They are currently unemployed and get their income through the government at the end of every month and it has been like this for over 3 years now, maybe more with no signs of them wanting to change that.
In our group of friends, we are either students or working full time and often get together to play whatever game comes up first in conversation and just let the day play itself out, however, one of the issues that have arisen is N’s almost addictive behavior in these games.
If there is something that costs money as a microtransaction they will buy it, if the game has a system for community market usage (Most on Steam) and there is something one of us says we would like but can’t get/afford, N will go out of their way to double down on that and pay twice as much for something better and show it off as much as possible.
There have been a few times however when N will say they don’t want to do this, and we will all suggest various ways to avoid spending such as saving and paying towards things that will last such as driving lessons.
But less than a week later, they will be back to spending whatever they have once again. This has led to a few arguments as N will often say that certain amounts (An example being £100) aren’t anything to make a fuss about when some of us in our group of friends would do anything for the ability to spend £100 and not have to think twice about bills or where that money might need to go down the line.
I’ve told them myself that I don’t think they understand the value of money and I want to help them take control of their spending because as stated previously they often say they want to do so but never follow through with it.
But this led to them thinking I was shaming them for their spending habits when all I want for N right now is to just ease up on the spending and move away from this kind of behavior with finances.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – if you’re good friends you should be able to discuss his unhealthy spending habits.
To me it sounds he’s suffering from a severe case of FOMO (fear of missing out) which a lot of games intentionally put in their games to make revenue.
You can try to avoid playing such games (there aren’t many that don’t have such mechanics though) with him, or make a pact that no one buys anything in the game, though I doubt that last suggestion would work.” Zagriel55
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your group should have an honest, blunt, but supportive conversation about it with N, once. State your concerns in a way that doesn’t attack. Stick to real matters, not their behavior in a game (that’s a separate issue of being a trashy player).
Then afterward, how they choose to live is their decision, but at least you know you tried to help.
Also, it’s not about not understanding the value of money, it’s that they have zero respect for it because they just earn it from the Government.
They didn’t work for it and your friend is a lazy mooch. One day, all of you who have worked hard will be considering vacations and luxuries, owning property, saving for retirement.
And your friend will be couch surfing or homeless. If they are smart, they will make a change themselves eventually. If not, well, you can’t save ’em all.” wirylime
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but it’s N’s problem, not yours.
It’s incredibly likely that they do understand the value of money but they just don’t care. Some people are very materialistic and want to buy anything and everything with no consideration for the future. I get that it can be frustrating for you but ultimately it’s none of your business. If it bothers you that much then stop hanging out with them.” goldiefelix
11. AITJ For Napping During Work Hours And "Flaunting My Privilege"?
“Since working from home I blocked off my calendar where I take a nap. It’s pretty common at my workplace to block off time for lunch or picking up kids. I don’t eat lunch nor have kids, so I nap.
My manager also knows about this, he encouraged everyone to block off time for lunch and when I said I didn’t eat lunch, he told me I can also block off time to rest.
Some background, my husband and I have a studio apartment close to my office. We both use it when we have late nights or early morning meetings.
Recently, I started going into the office again a few times a week and I’ve been going to my studio to nap.
A coworker saw me heading out and asked me if I was going out for lunch and if she can tag along. I said no, just going to get some rest.
She asked to join and so I said no, I’m going to my studio to nap. Later on in the day, while chatting in a group, she mentioned she didn’t know I lived so close to work and I explained the situation.
The whole thing was awkward, it felt like I was forced to flaunt something but I didn’t know what else to do. Also, it’s not a secret, a couple of other people know about it, I just don’t talk about it much.
But then she started mentioning how she was struggling to pay rent and another person expressed how crazy it was that I have a studio just for napping and said ‘way to flaunt your privilege!’
Anyways, now she and a few others have been being colder towards me recently, and if we’re talking before my break, they’ll remark how they should let me go take a nap, but in a passive-aggressive tone.
And this even happens when I’m working from home! But it’s making me feel uneasy, am I really the jerk and ‘flaunting my privilege’? I know it’s a privilege, but I should still be able to use it right? I don’t know, should I stop going to my studio to nap and maybe just stay in the office?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You weren’t ‘flaunting’ anything.
You didn’t even tell your coworker where you were going or what you were planning to do until she kept trying to. invite herself to your lunch hour.
You said you weren’t going to lunch, but instead ‘to rest’… what part of ‘I’m going to rest’ even implies ‘I want the company’?!? And yet she kept pushing to know what and where you were going so she could go too.
It’s not like you got on the office-wide intercom and announced ‘Have a great lunch, everyone! I’m going to ~my studio~ to take a nap while you poor suckers sit around and eat Hot Pockets!!’ Now that would be ‘flaunting’.
Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about using YOUR lunchtime or YOUR studio the way you need to in order to invigorate yourself for the rest of the workday.
I exercise during my lunch hour some days.
Other days, I sit on the sofa and snuggle with my dog until my lunch hour is over.” Violet_sky21
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You should not feel ashamed for being comfortable. You and your husband did well enough that allowed you to have that flat.
You didn’t steal it from your coworkers. They are jealous but that doesn’t mean you did something wrong or that you have to hide your wealth – answering a question when pressed about it isn’t flaunting, and even if you mentioned it sometimes because it’s part of your life, it’s not wrong either.
If you had to bring it up in every conversation or looked down on people because of it, then surely you’d be the jerk, but it seems far from it.
Do not let them make you feel bad for having achieved something good in your life.” Im_your_life
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You were not flaunting anything. You weren’t telling everyone about it or mocking people for not having the same thing. It only came up because someone else pushed the conversation there until you had little choice but to either answer honestly or lie about it.
They are jealous and probably resentful, yes it is a privilege, but you didn’t flaunt anything and they’re being spiteful and hostile. Might be worth reporting their behavior to HR if that’s possible at your workplace.” zealous-grasschoice
10. AITJ For Not Paying After A Friend Said He Would "Take Everybody Out"?
“I (20F) am in a group of friends (8 of us) that I met recently in university. We eat out sometimes and we usually pay our own bills when eating out.
Well the other day, my friend, ‘Liam’ (21M) sends everybody the same message that he’s ‘taking everybody out for Egyptian Food’ as he is half Egyptian.
So I and the others think he is going to buy us all dinner because none of us were planning on trying Egyptian food and he said he is ‘taking us out’, so we all agree to go since we think we’re getting free dinner.
None of us confirms with Liam that we’re getting free dinner, we just assume it from the wording of his text.
When we get to the restaurant, we are all given menus, but Liam instructs the waiter that we don’t need the menus and he is going to be ordering everything.
And Liam also does this because we also don’t know the different meals/what is good.
So Liam orders everybody a $6 drink (it’s like a popular drink in Egypt), and none of us ask for this.
Liam just wants everybody to try his favorite foods. He then proceeds to order for the entire table, getting all his favorite foods and what tastes good.
We proceed to eat, and honestly, it tasted really good.
They were shared meals, so it was just grab what you want. Except, another girl, Clare, has a low spice tolerance and I could tell that she didn’t like the food that much cause it was overwhelmingly spicy for her palette.
When we finish, we go home and I get a text from Liam saying I owe $35. If I knew I was paying, I would’ve eaten more of the things I liked, and I wasn’t really full at the end.
As a result, I’m kinda annoyed because Liam said that he was taking us out and now we all have to pay for a meal we didn’t really want. And Clare didn’t even like it or want the food.
Usually, when we go out, it’s a shared decision of where we want to eat. And we didn’t even get a choice of what to eat, he just chose everything for us.
If I’m going to pay, I would at least like a decision on what I want to eat.
I don’t want to pay Liam back and I’ve been avoiding him and saying that I don’t have the cash on me.
I’m going to pay him back eventually, just I’m kinda mad at the moment. He is giving me passive-aggressiveness every time I see him. AITJ?
Also, I should note that we are studying abroad, so Liam pays with his foreign credit card, but then we all pay him back in full, and I think this is a ploy to get a good cash exchange rate.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Seems more like this is a cultural misunderstanding. His wording made it seem to you like he was paying. He was probably just thinking he wanted to share his favorite foods with his new friends since you’ve probably eaten at a variety of places with different food.
I’d probably offer to pay for my share of the food (not the drinks), and explain to him that for future reference when you say you’re ‘taking everyone out’ to eat, it means you are offering to pay.” fleeingslowly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I feel so bad for Clare. Being asked to pay for a meal she didn’t have a say in and couldn’t eat. Anyone who orders for others needs to be very considerate of what is going to be enjoyable to everyone.
It seems like Liam just used this as an excuse to order the things he wanted to eat on everyone’s dime.” FlowFields
Another User Comments:
“I wouldn’t assume bad motives of Liam. $280 is a lot for a college student to pay for dinner for a group of friends.
He was sharing his knowledge of the food with you all. It was a misunderstanding about the money – and no one clarified!
If you plan to pay him eventually, just pay him now.
Is this worth blowing up the friendship? Why not talk to him and explain that you feel misused in this exchange because you didn’t realize he didn’t mean to pay for the meal.
YTJ.
(I think if he’s using a foreign credit card, he’s still likely paying a set % foreign transaction fee while using the card. Getting cash from you all doesn’t have any effect on that.)” ParsimoniousSalad
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Liam messed up by saying he was ‘taking everybody out’ and not clarifying what he meant. To him, he probably thought it just meant organizing the venue and dishes/drinks for everyone to try, not paying for everyone’s bill.
You mention he’s half Egyptian, so there might be some misunderstanding in the language/diction of it.
You and your friends messed up my not clarifying with Liam what he meant, both before and during the dinner.
It would have been easy to clarify in text ‘hey, did you mean you’d pay for everyone’s dinner’ beforehand. During dinner, while he was ordering food for everyone, there were multiple opportunities to bring it up, especially if the food and drinks he ordered weren’t things you wanted or liked.
You’re being a jerk by not paying him back at the moment either – you ate the food and drank the drinks. Whether or not you liked it, the cost is the cost.” kokoromelody
9. AITJ For Doubting My Partner And His Family Because They Constantly Ask Me For Financial Help?
“This started when I met my current partner on social media and after a year of chatting. I decided to finally go to SriLanka and meet him, of course, this was when the health crisis was just blooming up and I got stuck in SL, lost my student visa, and was left here to fend for myself
6 months in, his elder sister and his younger sister showed up at our place randomly all dressed up wanting to go out.
I was saving up for my birthday which was in a week. She starts demanding that we take them out and basically pay for them and though I didn’t want to, my partner asked me to just do it cause she was also going through something.
Then his other sister’s husband asked me to give him 300,000 in exchange for a laptop they were trying to sell so they could move abroad, and he didn’t even ask me directly, so he obv asked my partner, and he didn’t bother to tell him that asking for this much is absurd, especially since I had just recently bought a laptop for myself.
Then another time his brother suggested we go to a movie, so obviously I assume that he was going to pay his half. But my partner charged it all to my card and when I asked why he said he didn’t have any cash.
So I was like what, why is he suggesting to go somewhere when he doesn’t even have the means to pay for his own stuff?
Months later, his elder sister borrowed like 2000-3000 from us for 3 continuous months without paying it back.
My partner said it was fine because it was time that my parents were sending funds to me again to go through the next couple of months anyway. But she eventually paid like another 3 months later to my partner, not me.
Other things happened and my partner owes me 11000. I cover everything for my partner. On top of all this, his elder sister asks for 1000, says she needs it urgently, I send it.
Then his brother asks for another 1000 for meds, I send it. Then they get sick, now his mom wants another 7500 for a test. He says that they will send it soon, then that night he tells me that his brother told him that he can only give me all the funds end of Feb.
Meanwhile, I still have to pay rent, my own living costs, health insurance, and visa by Feb.
My only requirements for him are that he keeps 50000 for living expenses, pays me 11000 from before and he has another 9000 remaining to send back home.
He gets mad at me saying his family is sick, he needs to send more funds back home. But I tell him that I can’t keep paying for him and I know for sure he will run out of funds if he sends any more than 9000 back home.
I mean I already lent them so much so am I really wrong to ask him to keep his 50000 to himself for his own costs? I mean I spend 100,000 each month.
50000 for rent which he doesn’t pay for and another 50000 for me, but I have clearly been spending more to cover for him and lent his fam a huge amount.
And he is getting angry at me for asking him to keep enough funds to handle his own costs.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They are robbing you blind and preying on your kindness.
Get out and get back home as soon as you can. In the meantime get him out of your place and cut them all off. I’m afraid for you.” CADreamn
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for defending him.
You are just an ATM. It’s time to accept you’re a cash cow and your value is what you can provide them or learn to stand up for yourself and stop giving money.” Crafty-Emotion4230
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you need to seriously wise up.
You are being used to an absurd degree and it needs to stop now. Quit allowing yourself to be treated this way and find someone who doesn’t just view you as a cash machine.” Small-Jellyfish-2591
8. AITJ For Breaking My Word To My Family?
“In 2015, shortly after my daughter was born my husband and I moved from the USA to New Zealand. Our reasons were mainly that we felt we could give our daughter a more secure upbringing there.
(There were a lot of factors, not going into detail.)
Prior to this, my grandma asked me to be the executor of her estate, to which I agreed. My mom and sister have never been good with finances and as much as I love them, I understand why my grandma didn’t trust them to handle her financial affairs after she passed.
I, however, was always the ‘responsible’ one.
It had always been my intention to help take care of my mother as she grew older, but after my daughter was born my priorities took a dramatic shift.
All I could think about was securing the best possible life for my daughter.
My husband got a chance to work in NZ, and I’m ashamed to say it didn’t take much convincing for me to agree.
I knew my family would be unhappy to see us move so far away, but I felt it was the right choice for our girl. I promised my family we would visit every year, and told my grandma I would come back when/if she needed me for anything relating to her will.
It was sad for all of us, but I still felt it was the right decision.
We did visit once a year, until 2020.
Then late 2017 my grandmother added my mother to her will as a ‘co-executor’ of the estate, as she felt I was too far away.
Mom, as I mentioned, is not good with finances. My sister is worried she won’t be a responsible executor and said I was a jerk for leaving grandma with no other choice, that in my zeal to set up the ‘perfect’ life for my daughter I will have caused financial chaos once my grandma passes away.
Then in 2020 my grandma took a bad fall and ended up needing surgery for swelling in her brain. She recovered physically but her mental decline has been pretty steady since then.
My mom moved in with her to take care of her, and I’m stuck here due to travel restrictions. My sister thinks I’m a jerk to have abandoned one family for another, and I’m feeling conflicted.
On the one hand, I think I made the best decision I could for my daughter; my husband got a job here he never would have gotten in the states, and our quality of life overall is better.
But I feel guilty that my family needs me and I can’t be there… what if my sister is right?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I am going to remind you as an American you exist because someone decided to leave their family behind and move across the world.
You can not live your life hanging around for those moments when you might be needed. You are going to live in the US forever to be available for a 3 months period while a will gets sorted out? In normal times that is what planes are for.
You are not responsible for what happened in 2020 nor could you have predicted it and even if you could have still would not have been a reason not to move to NZ.
While your desire to be there for your mother when she gets older is admirable it isn’t actually your duty. You didn’t choose to be born.
You don’t have a duty to your sister to ensure she doesn’t have to deal with anything.
Your sister is not right she is being a jerk. You don’t have a duty to not take financial and employment opportunities because your sister doesn’t like it. Your sister is not your responsibility nor do you or should you live your life to suit her…
and your husband certainly doesn’t… what are you going to do, get a divorce?… If everyone had your sister’s attitude again you would not be American for a start… in fact, we would all still be living on grass plains in Africa.
Your duty is to the child you chose to bring into this world. Your duty is to secure her the very best future you possibly can. Let’s think about what you have given her.
A society where equality is something that is being actively strived for. A great climate. A safer society with lower rates of violent crime. A society that sticks together and stands up in times of crisis.
A full democracy rather than a flawed one. Better job opportunities. You have a daughter..rights for women are rapidly going backward in the US at the moment…
Your sister is wrong. She is wrong in her attitude and she is wrong in the way she is treating you.” Whitestaunton
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
People move, that’s life. You have to do what’s best for your child. Why on Earth would your mum and sister feel you have to put your whole life on hold for 6 years because your grandma will die one day? When she does, and at that point only, you could come back to the US for a short while on bereavement leave and deal with the estate then.
But even then, most wills and solicitors are dealt with via email or phone, not in person, so even then you can get the bulk of the legal stuff done from NZ.
It sucks that your grandma needs that kind of help from your mum but it is up to her to help, and your sister – if she can be bothered to help which it doesn’t really sound like she is? What exactly is she doing in all this? Sounds like your sister is jealous of your life.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You have every right to move for whatever reason it is (logical or not). Your sister shouldn’t be taking you on this guilt trip. You are not responsible for your mother’s lack of financial education nor for your grandmother’s new lack of trust in you.
You are not breaking your word to anyone – when I read the title and that your ‘priorities took a dramatic shift’ I thought you stole your grandmother’s estate.
I think people have this warped idea that you have to take care of your parents but that’s not true.
You do it because you can, because you want to, because you feel they deserve it, but you are not obligated to. Your one obligation is to take care of your daughter since you chose to put her in the world and all, and it seems like you are doing it.
Stay strong.
You can try to help your mother make good decisions with the will, but if she decides to do whatever she wants and ends up with a mess it’s not your fault – she is a very capable adult (I assume, since she is in the will and able to take care of the grandmother) even if not a financially smart one. Good luck.” Necessary_Bug6034
Mom could decide to buy a new car or something. Lock it down.
As executor of my father in law's will my sister in law had to turn in every bill, every cost-coffin/funeral, every penny spent form his accounts and insurance had to be accounted for. Anything sold or removed from yhe house had to be accounted for. All items were turned in at the attorneys office.
Once probate was over and all bills were paid my husband and sister in law each owned an undesignated half of the family land. They each got half of any money left in the bank accounts.
My husband got money a few weeks after yhe death because he was named in an old life insurance policy.
It was very specific.
If it hasn't been done yet get a burial plan in place. It will help a lot.
Also, I'd recommend putting locks on grandma's accounts now so mom can't withdraw and spend everything without you knowing it.
7. AITJ For Calling My Sister A Selfish Parent?
“My sister (45F) has always been overprotective of her daughter (19F) and will cause a scene over literally everything. She has a habit of pulling attention away from her daughter whether she realizes it or not and needs to constantly be assured that she’s a good mother.
My niece is a sweet girl but can be a bit sassy and often uses humor to cope.
My niece has her nose pierced and one of her studs ended up stuck when trying to change the jewelry so my sister and I were trying our best to help.
Well, this didn’t end well and my sister ended up breaking the jewelry and pretty much ripping it out. It wasn’t anything serious and after a few days with some ice and cleaning it wasn’t swollen or bleeding and she was able to put the jewelry back in.
My sister however had a complete meltdown and cried for hours about how she hurt her baby and she was an awful mother, she was still upset about it even after the incident despite our best attempts at assuring her it was fine.
That incident happened a little over a week ago but the fight happened only last night. Our family was having dinner and my niece accidentally scratched her nose a bit too hard when wiping her face.
She proceeded to make a joke along the lines of ‘Hasn’t my nose bled enough this week,’ and my sister lost it. She broke down crying saying she knew she was an awful mother and why did my niece have to remind her.
It hurt her enough knowing the blood of her child tainted her hands.
To be clear this isn’t the first time she’s done something like this and I was annoyed by her behavior already but this was just embarrassing.
I pulled my sister aside and told her as quietly as I could that she needed to knock it off. She was causing a scene over nothing since it had already healed and even if it hadn’t she was still being selfish.
Her daughter was the one who had been in pain and was coping with it by making a joke. My sister wasn’t hurt at all and instead threw a fit instead of helping her daughter and now was going to throw a tantrum without even considering how my niece felt about the matter.
My sister got even more upset and cried that I hurt her as well so I was just as guilty and that I was the selfish one for not being upset.
I also have no children of my own so I will never know the pain she felt when she hurt her only child. I reiterated my claim that she was a selfish parent for always wanting sympathy when something happened to her child and left it at that.
For the rest of the night and today as well my sister has been sulking like a child over what I said and according to my niece has been harassing her begging to know if she’s selfish or not.
I feel bad for dragging her into her mom’s pity party and hurting my sister’s feelings but I don’t feel like what I said was wrong. She is a selfish parent and I think it’s time she realizes that but still, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I don’t think she’s a selfish parent. I just think she has some very bad insecurities and anxiety and needs some serious psychological counseling.
Her crying over something like that is not normal at all.” RubyDiscus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your sis is helicopter parenting to the MAX.
Seems like she’s high strung, over-anxious, and the type to catastrophize the smallest of issues. I think this goes deeper than her parenting and is probably a trait of undiagnosed mental illness (I’m no doctor, I just have 3 mental illnesses I manage so I ‘know’).
Might I gently suggest therapy so your sister learns to emotionally regulate, how to shut down negative thought patterns surrounding intrusive thoughts, and manage anxiety attacks which I’m sure she acutely suffers from by the way you described her having a ‘tantrum’.
The end of my armchair diagnosis.” neighborhood_nympho
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
‘I reiterated my claim that she was a selfish parent for always wanting sympathy when something happened to her child and left it at that.’
There was absolutely no need for you to say that.
You’ve just stirred up drama, which is exactly what your sister does.
You’ve also failed to ‘even consider how (your) niece felt about the matter.’ You’ve just created a conflict with your sister that has a life of its own.” WebbieVanderquack
6. AITJ For Exposing My Friend's Kids To An Upsetting Scene In A Movie?
“Last weekend I asked my best friend (we are both 40F) if she and her family had seen Encanto, which I loved. She has two boys, ages 6 and 7, so I thought they would enjoy it.
She replied she had not but would check it out. Last night I got a message from her saying the movie was great but ‘you have to warn parents if someone dies.
Lots of questions and upset from kids on those parts. We weren’t expecting it so didn’t prepare them.’
At first, I was confused, I had forgotten about that scene so I asked, ‘someone passed away?’ Then remembered and sent an apology for not warning her, saying I had completely forgotten.
She responded with ‘yup, two scenes. One very drawn out with the grief.’
I originally felt bad but after the follow-up text, I started feeling annoyed. I have a 15-month-old so he is still really young and I don’t know if this is an unspoken expectation when recommending anything.
I don’t know what her kids can and can’t handle and a lot of Disney movies have some dark themes. I do know she hasn’t shown her kids Moana because it’s too scary.
Either way, I kind of feel that if there are a lot of things her kids can’t watch, she should have asked me if there was anything to look out for instead of expecting me to know what her kids can’t see.
Alternately, I could be the jerk because maybe this is obvious, you don’t recommend a movie for kids that has an upsetting storyline. So AITJ?
ETA: the family had two cats die about a year ago.
I don’t know if that makes it worse or less so, that they have been exposed to loss and might be starting to understand, or that seeing others passing would bring up traumatic memories.
Also, please be respectful. This woman is my best friend, we have been friends for almost 22 years and I love her. She is a really good mom, she just comes off a little overprotective.
Maybe this will make things harder for her kids in the long run or maybe she just knows her kids best and knows a lot that I don’t, perhaps they struggle with the concept of passing away, especially after losing two beloved cats back to back last year.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If you have overly sensitive kids, it’s your responsibility to know what they can or can’t handle. We got very lucky in that our 4-year-old is not afraid of much when it comes to media.
She’s watched every Jurassic Park/World movie with me, and even sat through 30 minutes of IT: Chapter One with me before my husband made me turn it off.
Her closest friends are the opposite and are terrified of everything.
The character feels sad? They get scared. The character gets angry? They get scared. The character gets hurt? They get scared. Her best friend JUST sat through her first feature-length film.
I recommended Encanto to her parents because there is no obvious ‘bad guy’, but warned them about Bruno’s eyes thinking that might scare their kid. She ended up terrified of Abuela when she was scolding Mirabel.
Now they rewatch it but skip it whenever Abuela is upset.
At 6/7 years old, why is she sheltering them from death? It happens. I am honestly shocked that 6-7-year-olds are afraid of Encanto because someone dies off-screen.” calior
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – you softly, for a very specific reason.
While I may disagree with your friend, she gets to set the boundaries for raising her own kids. You knew she had a problem with Moana, and therefore should have taken that into account when recommending Encanto.
Your jerk part is very soft here because ultimately, you can’t be expected to remember and specify every detail around those boundaries. If this is important to her, she needs to assume the parental responsibility of asking questions and/or vetting the movie personally before showing her children.” JudgeJudAITA
Another User Comments:
“I feel like it should be said – don’t most Disney movies involve some sort of loss? Lion King, Tarzan, Mulan, Moana, Bambi, Frozen, I could go on… and even the ones that don’t, the villains often die at the end (Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White).
Tangled even has that scene where Flynn gets stabbed. These movies are all made for children that age and younger, so I feel like it’s not surprising that there was a loss in Encanto? It’s not a first?
My point is, you are definitely NTJ.
Yes, maybe you could have warned your friend but at the same time, I’m not even a parent but when my little cousin comes over I constantly check Common Sense media or some other site to tell me what to look out for and to decide whether or not that’s an appropriate movie for him.
That’s on the parent, not you lol. Like if ur friend wants to shelter their kids from the concept of death (which, most children’s television shows actually try to address to help kids grasp the concept better, so what shows are they even watching?), go ahead I guess but you’re not responsible for helping with that.” Distinct_Cap_4810
5. AITJ For Not Buying The Gift My Partner Asked For Her Birthday?
“I (30M) have a partner (28F) of 6 years. It’s always a problem to get her something for her b-day so I asked her what she wants.
At first, she said she does not know and that some nice dinner would do.
But yesterday she came home from work and told me she saw a very nice set of Japanese knives she would like but it’s a bit of an expensive gift. The knives were $254 which I think is nonsense to pay for knives since she is not a professional cook, she cooks as a hobby.
I told her I think it was unreasonable and that I won’t buy it for her. She said ok but was quiet the whole evening. When I asked her what happened she told me I shouldn’t ask her what she wants if I don’t want to take it into consideration.
I think it’s a bit childish, she gave me one suggestion and I said no. It shouldn’t be such a big deal.
Also, money is not the problem. We both have nice salaries and are childfree with reasonable monthly expenses.
We don’t have any limit on the price of the gifts. For my last b-day, she got me a summer trip to Turkey (paid by some benefits from her job).
So am I the jerk?
Edit: everybody is very fixated on the trip to Turkey…
Yes, it was an awesome gift.
I just wanted to say I finally got her a weekend getaway to Italy (We live in Europe). She will definitely love it because she is in love with Italian food and culture in general.
I ordered the knives directly from Japan and delivered them to her in a black design that will fit with the kitchen we made a few months ago. And I will give it to her when we get back from Italy, I am not willing to risk my luck and carry it with me.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
She told you what she wanted after you asked and you dismissed it because YOU don’t think she should want the thing that she wants? It doesn’t matter if you think it’s a stupid gift, it’s what she said she wants.
I could understand balking at the price tag if y’all weren’t earning enough but you said that’s not the issue, and tbh $250 isn’t bad for a set of quality knives.
(I bought ONE Japanese chef’s knife for $90 and it’s lasted more than a decade!!)
If it WAS about the money, you could try explaining that you can’t afford that and maybe tell her an upper limit of what you’re willing to spend, but definitely don’t dismiss it because YOU think it’s dumb.
Plus she got you a trip to Turkey, which is a way bigger deal than a set of knives is, IMO, even if her employer did pay for it, she let you come along!
If you have prerequisites for gift giving (like you have to approve of the usefulness of the gift or it has to be under a certain price) it’s best to be open about that upfront, or not even ask what she wants in the first place.
Otherwise, it’s not really a gift, it’s a purchase order.” ichacalaca
Another User Comments:
“You honestly do not get to decide what is an overly expensive gift based on how YOU perceive its usefulness to her.
Let’s say you want a PS5 for your birthday. Yet, she says no because you are not a professional gamer and just play for fun. The woman you love obviously took the time to look up these knives and actually knows about them.
How many people even know the differences in their eating utensils! I have had to teach MANY a friend how to set a real table, differences in glasses, and their silver service for special events or invitations to a fancy-schmancy meal.
I have met very few who know these types of things. (Fancy boarding schools teach this)
You failed her by passing your own judgment on her desires. I am quite sure that this is clearly why she just tells you to do whatever.
I say the exact same thing to people like you in my life. Looks like she has excepted this and accidentally let her guard down and you did exactly what her gut knew you would do.
But hey, you got her a gift you picked out. I am sure she will like it too. One does not equal the other though. If you want her to treat your gift choices based on her judgment of how much you deserve it by opinion, keep treating her this way.
Ugh…
YTJ. Shame on you..” Dull-Brilliant-4660
Another User Comments:
“Dude, YTJ.
You have a good job with low commitments and don’t set birthday gift budgets.
You asked her what she wanted and she said hey I want this and you said nah that’s dumb.
Now you are taking her on holiday which is great, but it’s not just for her, because you go too, and at the end of the holiday she still has useless knives.
When thinking about how much you would spend on a gift, consider how much it costs, and how much the gift will mean to the person you are giving it to, and then also consider how much you would spend on yourself on a night out with friends drinking and dining and club entry transport to and from hotels maybe, etc without really thinking about it.
Would you have had a problem with a $254 piece of jewelry?
Also, have you ever used good Japanese knives, they are amazing.
By saying no to the knives you have told your girl that when she tells you what she wants she needs to make sure it’s something that you want her to want, and also that you don’t really care about her cooking as a passion and hobby.
Over the years she has probably given you heaps of gifts that she thought were stupid. A couple of years ago I bought myself a skateboard, I was forty years old and hadn’t skated in over 20 years, and instead of saying that’s dumb I won’t support it, she found me some awesome protective gear to save my dumb butt from injury.
Still, give her the holiday, but have a think and consider getting her the knives, and maybe look at some of the other things in the kitchen she uses and surprise her with an upgrade to one or two of those too.” dmadman79au
4. AITJ For Asking My Friend Not To Name Her Cat After A Criminal?
“My (21f) roommate, Aly, rescued a cat a few weeks ago. It is her cat but I help with taking care of her.
We’ve compiled a list of potential names for the cat.
She’s orange, so a lot of the names are themed around her color.
One of them is Orange Juice. Aly wants to name this cat Orange Juice, and call her OJ for short.
I don’t think this is a good idea because of OJ Simpson. Aly thinks it’s the best name ever and since the cat is an escape artist, she wants to be able to say ‘The Juice is loose.’
I told her I think it’s a bad name and that I don’t want her to name the cat that.
She got mad at me and said I have no say in the naming process of her cat. I think she shouldn’t name her that because I am still around the cat.
I still have to live with the cat and I don’t want a cat named after a criminal.
AITJ for asking her to name it something else?”
Another User Comments:
“First of all, the cat would be named after orange juice, the fruit drink, not OJ Simpson, the man.
People say this all the time. I say it. ‘Hey, could you pick up some OJ from the store?’ It’s completely innocuous and common. No one is going to misunderstand if you name the cat after juice and make juice-related jokes.
It’s a non-issue.
Second, even if it WAS a reference to the dude and not the drink, why does this matter so much to you? Oh no! Gasp. A criminal??? The injustice of having to be exposed to something so uncouth! What shall we do with all the pets named after Bonny and Clyde??
You haven’t explained why this actually matters.
It’s a cat. You just sound weird and pearl clutchy for no particular reason. Do we need to get the fan and the fainting couch out for you? You’re 21 and way, way too young to be having an old-fashioned old lady conniption about an extremely tame cat name.
Even my parents in their 70s would probably just laugh at this name, even if it was the other OJ and not about juice.
But it is. It is about juice. So I’d suggest you get all the way over yourself and off the self-righteous high horse.
YTJ.” Astarkraven
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, not your cat so you have zero say in it. Also, OJ is a cute name for an orange tabby and who cares if you think of the criminal because many people share names with different criminals.
For example, Jack is a cute dog’s name but I also think of Jack the Ripper and people have that name and they are not associated with the crime either. Many people share names with different murderers and yet they aren’t (always) associated with them.” toffee_queen
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Not only are you the jerk here but you’re also extremely entitled and petty. It isn’t your animal, furthermore, if your mother lived with me and named you Paul and I didn’t like Paul is it okay for me to feel the same about you? Animals are people’s babies.
They are family. Who are you to tell someone what they can name a cat that’s not yours? She isn’t naming her cat after a criminal she’s naming it after a drink for the funny puns.
Get over yourself. You’re the backseat driver, the person who complains about music being too loud in someone’s home at 2 pm in the afternoon, the person who lives at the end of a dead-end road and tells the delivery drivers they can’t use his driveway to turn around in at the time of delivery. All that is unimportant and petty. That is you.” tateskyler
3. WIBTJ For Giving My Husband An Ultimatum For Refusing To Help With College Costs?
“I married my husband seven years ago after being together for three years. We both brought one child into the relationship. My son and his daughter. They are both 17 and focusing on college for next year which is where our problem is coming from.
My son focused on school activities such as soccer and baseball and did average in school while my stepdaughter didn’t get involved in after-school activities and started working at 15, but she did better than average in school.
My husband and I both work and we have since meeting. He makes considerably more than me, but also contributes more to our living expenses. My husband had a deal with the kids that he would match any amount they put into savings, so if they put in 50 dollars, he would put in 50 dollars.
My son didn’t work as he had after-school clubs, so I saved for him separately and that seemed ok, but I wasn’t able to save a large amount. I recently found out that my stepdaughter’s grandparents (both sets) have also been depositing funds, so she has upward of 40,000 while my son has 5,000.
They aren’t related to my son so it was just something I had to deal with, but now my husband and I have found out that her grandparents want to pay for her college education and living expenses so she can stop working to enjoy her college years and focus on her studies.
My husband was over the moon and plans to put a down payment on a townhome for her while the grandparents pay the mortgage.
At that point, I was pretty upset. I told my husband that my stepdaughter had enough advantages and he should help out my son.
He’s known him for ten years now and looks at him as a role model. My husband said that his bio dad was still active in his life and he is responsible, along with me, for my son’s education.
He added that I should make my son focus on his studies more because he hasn’t received a scholarship offer or anything.
My son is depressed and has brought up the military as a means to pay for his education.
My brother went to Iraq and isn’t the same. My dad was in a desert storm and his vision is as bad as his drinking… I really don’t want my son to enter the military.
The thought scares me, to be honest.
I’m ready to give my husband an ultimatum regarding our relationship and him helping my son. Is that wrong of me? Would I be the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Your husband isn’t obligated to pay for your son’s education, but it would be very unfair if the kids from the same family had such different advantages in life and would breed resentment both in you and your son towards your husband and your stepdaughter.
At the same time, I can see your husband’s point of view, as it’s his parents that are so generous with their granddaughter and naturally don’t feel that connected to your son, plus your son has a bio dad he keeps in touch with.
I wouldn’t go with an ultimatum, as you are most likely to lose your husband, and your son would still have to go the military route or take a huge student loan, though, rather ask if he’d at least consider giving your son an interest-free loan or something.” Sunny_Hill_1
Another User Comments:
“What you are saying is that stepparents have the same financial responsibility to their stepkids as they do to their bio kids.
That is simply not true, especially when the stepchild has a big family of their own.
A stepparent’s income is not even allowed to be considered when a court is determining how much the noncustodial parent has to pay in child support.
Because courts determined the people you marry are not responsible for your existing kids!
Each child has their own set of biological parents and/or grandparents involved in their upbringing and financial lives.
Do the levels of wealth match? No, but this is life. My brother’s level of wealth is different than mine, but I don’t go to him demanding he contributes to my kid’s college fund.
A stepparent gets no legal parental rights by marrying their spouse. If the spouse passes away while the child is a minor, the child can be taken away by their other bio parent, and the stepparent has absolutely no claim or visitation.
Why then would the stepparent be considered financially responsible for someone they have no parental rights over?
OP’s husband went above and beyond offering to match whatever each kid manages to save, and each kid chose what to do with their time.
HECK, this deal would be fair even if both kids were legally his and one saved more than the other.
Not to mention, he is not ‘giving her a house’. He is using the funds she saved (and he matched as part of the deal) for a down payment on a house, and the grandparents will pay the mortgage.
This young lady is extremely lucky and seems to be responsible enough to be in this position, good for her!
It doesn’t mean OP’s son is entitled to any of it.
YTJ – and an entitled one for that matter.” musicgirlbr
Another User Comments:
“No, you would be NTJ.
This whole plan that your husband came up with to ‘match’ what the kids had saved is nonsense if your son chose to work on extra-curricular after school instead of working – this already puts him at a disadvantage to his step-sister.
A better plan would have been to put so much into your son’s account for each hour he spent on extra-curricular since he doesn’t have a job while matching dollar-for-dollar with the child who does have a job.
If you let this happen – let your husband use this plan to severely and greatly favor his daughter over your son – it is going to cause HUGE problems down the road.
One of my brothers-in-law doesn’t even speak to his mother anymore because she went with step-dad’s plan, which favored her step-kids over her biological children. It will also cause problems between the kids themselves – the same brother-in-law who doesn’t speak to mom also refuses to speak to my husband (his brother) because he feels their mother favored my husband growing up.
These are both your children. They are two different people. Your husband coming up with a plan that suits his bio child while hurting his step-child is messed up. He’s literally planning to take care of EVERYTHING for his daughter and NOTHING for your son.
So… it seems like he doesn’t care about your son or your bio family’s predicament.
If he doesn’t agree to some sort of compromise so that he’s ACTUALLY HELPING your son, he’s a trashy step-dad and there’s no reason to stick around, not unless you want your child resenting you and/or your partner for the rest of his life.” fieria_tetra
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – both kids were given the same deal, just his daughter had an unrelated benefactor.
She would be in the exact same place without her grandparent’s generosity and that has nothing to do with yours, your husband’s, or your son’s finances.
If it was of major concern to you, you should’ve been firm about saving more earlier than their senior year — it’s not unusual to start these types of savings funds as soon as you find out you’re pregnant.
If college is such a financial burden to your son that he’s considering the military to pay for it, have him consider some alternative methods of paying for college. $5000 is plenty to get started at community college.
Help him find a job with a career path that he can do while taking community college classes. If he’s lucky, he can complete his associate’s and be with an employer that offers tuition reimbursement for his bachelor’s.
Following a method like that will also ensure he isn’t overspending on a degree that won’t benefit him in the future — and he’ll graduate with a job already lined up.” typicalaquarius
2. AITJ For Manipulating My Wife Into Leaving The Hall Light On?
“My (29M) wife (26F) has this favorite light in our apartment. She likes it because it shines some pretty bright light into basically every other room in the apartment. She mostly uses it in the mornings when she’s just woken up or at night when she’s about to go to bed because of the indirect light it provides to the bathroom and bedroom.
I’m fine with that. But then, she walks away, and just leaves the light on, especially in the morning when she’s awake enough to start tolerating having a light on in the room she’s in.
But then she leaves it on after her eyes have adjusted, goes into another room, starts doing something else, and forgets about it. It’ll end up being left on all day if I don’t say something or turn it off myself.
I’ve talked to her about it, and she says she’ll try to remember, but she just keeps doing it and gets mad when I call her out and/or turn it off after she’s left it on for a few minutes and clearly forgotten about it.
It’s a mild annoyance that has built up enough that I decided to unscrew the bulbs and play dumb about it. Anytime she asks me to check it, I’m busy with something else, but I always talk her down from calling maintenance because ‘we haven’t checked it yet, and it might be a simple fix.’ I’m really just hoping that if I leave it long enough, she’ll get used to not having it and use the nightlight we have in the bathroom, or at least use light from a room she’ll end up in instead of leaving one on in the hallway that we only spend a cumulative two minutes in each day.
Is this even gonna work? AITJ for taking away what seems to be my wife’s favorite light because she won’t ever turn it off?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re controlling how much light she has, and manipulating and lying to her.
There are tons of suggestions here for more honest ways to handle this. My husband always leaves the bath fan on. It used to make me insane and then I realized that I love my husband and it was dumb to be so mad all the time over a fan.
Now it’s on a timer. Problem solved.” angry-ex-smoker
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. In a functioning relationship, you have options: communicate, compromise, create a solution, or suck it up. You have chosen to lie to your wife and expend a lot of energy on something that’s very trivial.
My husband does this all the time with our closet light, which annoys me, but I just flip it off and move on. I guarantee you do things that annoy her as well, which is only natural when you live with other people.
You’ve got to learn to let the little things go because they really don’t matter. Most importantly, stop lying to your wife. Is it worth it to lose her trust over something so stupid? Get a wi-fi light bulb that you can schedule to turn on and off at set times.
Problem solved.” Bravobsession
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Stop being creepy. Turn off the light yourself. Marriage is full of these little annoyances. You tolerate it because you love someone and the sum of the annoyances does not outweigh that love.
Under no circumstances are you supposed to manipulate and lie to someone you care about. I mean, unscrewing a light bulb because you’re annoyed she leaves the light on? Are you her father? Is this the 1920s and you lost all your income and you can’t afford the dime a day the lightbulb costs?” US_Justice_Apartment
1. AITJ For Pricing My Cakes So High Just To Keep People From Asking For Freebies?
“I’m a hobbyist baker but my full-time job is engineering consulting. There’s more money on the engineering side; when I want to pick up extra hours of work, I’m gonna do engineering work.
But I genuinely like making cakes for friends or events as a surprise! But I don’t always, sometimes I’m just too busy to make one, it’s just something I do if I happen to have a free day before a get-together.
I like making them as surprises because if I screw them up, there’s no pressure to bring something.
But as of recently, a bunch of people have asked me if I can make cakes for different events.
And I started just saying no because I don’t have the time. Plus I don’t know if I could do justice to the designs other people want, I really just make whatever I’m feeling and kinda wing it.
But people got so annoyed by that, saying stuff like ‘but you made a cake for (another person)’ or ‘I’m not asking for anything hard!’
So I started saying that for special requests, I’m making cakes for commission and that I can send them my pricing structure if they’re still interested.
My pricing structure is really structured around what it would cost to make it worth it to me, to spend a day making a cake instead of spending it on my main job…
So my rates are:
The customer pays the cost of ingredients.
A base hourly rate of $150 (Minimum 3 hours).
If the ‘deadline’ is in under 48 hours my hourly rate is $250.
Soo… After I set my commission rates, most people will be like ‘never mind’ when I mention a commission at all, before I even get into prices.
With only two exceptions.
My aunt Jess who I’m not really close to came up to me at Christmas and asked me if I could make a cake for her friend’s party.
I said I’m only doing commission work right now but I could send my pricing breakdown. She said sure then she got really rude saying that my cakes were nowhere near that good to charge that much and that she could get better at the bakery.
I said that she should go to the bakery then, they would have something nice!
She got frustrated with me and said she didn’t want a chain store-bought cake, and I said there were some non-chain bakeries in the nearby city.
She said I was missing the point and that my prices were absurd and nobody would pay that. I said that was okay, I had enough business through my main job.
Next, my cousin asked me if I could make a cake for her kid’s birthday party, and I said that I’m only taking commissions. She said that my prices were horrible, for a kid’s party? I said that kids would like a grocery store cake just as much, I was sure the party would be great whatever cake she got! She said she didn’t want a grocery one, she wanted one of my custom designs.
I said that seemed like overkill for a kid’s party. She said that nothing but the price was overkill and that I was taking advantage.
AITJ for ‘selling’ my cakes for so much?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Quite right to keep your cakes on the social scale, and people who ask – nay demand – them do not appreciate the generous gift that you sometimes give to people, from your heart, not for your bank account.
If they really want to encourage you to do something so generous for them, then they should do something non-monetary for you.
Something from their heart.” StuJayBee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
And you already know this.
People just want to take advantage of friends and family with special talents that aren’t jobs for them, like crocheting, painting, cake making, or cooking (catering). They want to have the level of product that is expensive for most folks to afford, but at a level, they can afford.
Because they feel like they ‘deserve the best.’
To that I say, go figure out how to make it yourself. The folks you are asking to work for pennies have taken their time learning these skills, and they do it to relax and have fun.
Having someone bully you for a cake isn’t fun. And you do not owe anyone anything!
I’m glad that you price this extra service for what you know your time is worth.
You worked hard to get where you are, and again, you don’t owe anyone any ‘favors.'” Educational-Food9471
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You are either unwilling or incapable of having a direct conversation with your friends and family telling them when you are or are not available…
Not only that but positioning it as a business gives people the added burden of thinking they need to purchase a cake through you, their friend since this is your side hustle.
And how do you repay their interest? By price gouging them. What’s wrong w/you? Grow up and tell them what the situation is.” jmgolden33
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Yes, your family is because they’re not accepting no for an answer.
But I think your over-the-top way of responding is kind of a jerk move. You need to just say ‘I will not make cakes for people who ask me. I only make cakes when I feel like it.
And if you keep asking me, I’m still going to say no.’
Or refer them to a bakery that makes really good cakes. But the fact that they’re looking at your prices suggests that they are willing to pay you. And that should be considered a compliment. So that’s why I’m giving you this response.” DarcyKnits
Metaspoon Slow or Crashing?
If Metaspoon is causing your browser to crash or run slowly, please try viewing the article in Lite Mode and it should run more smoothly!