People Have A Lot To Say About Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
22. AITJ For Confronting A Guy Who Said He'd Kiss My Wife During A Drinking Game?
“So for context, I (29M) am married to A (28F) and my wife has been friends with this guy C (30M) for 10+ years. He was best friends with her brother who passed away and they kept their friendship all these years.
And C recently got married and had my wife be the best man. A is a serious planner and gets all the details so it ended up being two of C’s friends and a friend of the bride’s husband who is officiating, J (32M).
Okay so I’m a plus 1 basically which is fine with everyone because in this small group, everyone is married except for one of the groom’s friends who isn’t a major part of the story here. The only people I know are A my wife and C the groom.
We are all having a good time, A planned like certain bars and activities to do and tangents in between and is just sort of directing from place to place. It is pretty chill, after the second bar, we step out on the street to go to a more upbeat space and there is music playing while we are waiting to get in.
My wife is dancing in place, we are in a semi-circle and I see this guy J sidle up next to her and start dancing too. I take this as a red flag but not enough to say anything like my wife is a good time and we are all a little tipsy and familiar at this point no big deal right?
As the night continued J kept talking about how cool A is, too cool for this crowd, and is like lightly complimenting her but also like she is above him which I don’t disagree with. She is amazing and the coolest person I know that is why we got married so I take it as a little red flag and keep chilling and talking with everyone.
So finally we make it back to the Airbnb and we’re playing one of those dumb card games where you drink or do what the card says.
J pulls a card (mind you I am sitting right next to him) it’s marry, kiss, or kill and he says “well I’m not gay so you know sorry but I’m gonna kiss A and…” Before he says another word I look at him and say “well you better kill me” and the room got quiet and awkward and they were like “heyyy uh let’s move on to another card.”
My wife thinks it’s no big deal like I was just being protective although she admits he made some odd comments but yeah AITJ? Was I being like machismo or something?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – a little tipsy or not, he was being inappropriate through the night (I believe true thoughts and feelings come out when you’ve had some to drink anyway so I don’t buy it when people try to use booze as an excuse for their behavior), then you guys play a game where he said he’d kiss her – I think it would have been just fun and games if he hadn’t been making inappropriate comments and getting way too close to her, he was clearly making a statement and being disrespectful to you both even leading up to that moment.” SippingMyTea1
Another User Comments:
“You’re def not the jerk man. Like that’s inappropriate as heck. And he definitely knew you guys were married or he would’ve apologized and said oh shoot sorry didn’t know or whatever. He just didn’t care. And your wife should’ve said something too and it’s a big deal. Maybe she didn’t want to stir up trouble?
But that’s also not okay. Be open and ask her why she doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Cause if you don’t have the same views on those things I think it’s gonna cause problems. If someone says they want to kiss me in front of my SO or vice versa I would be like bro wtf I’m engaged. And I wouldn’t have let him approach me to say inappropriate things.
Like your wife is undermining you.” SeaRangingfromwithin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, good job on your response and putting that guy in his place. So many times I see these scared awkward men watching all this happen and not doing anything. As a man, we all know he was flirting which is unacceptable since she’s married and should show respect.
Any guy with morals would have seen that card as inappropriate and read the room and chose another card. But he didn’t and you had to remind him of his place nothing to it. People saying everyone sucks here or you’re the jerk are probably single and lack self-respect.
That game is for singles only or talking about people you don’t know not for a wedding party.” [deleted]
21. AITJ For Not Wanting To Host Family Dinners?
“I am 24F, partner is 29M. So my partner’s family, (mainly his dad) set out a plan for the whole year. At the end of every month, on a Sunday, someone has to host a family dinner at their house. (It’s usually for 14 to 16 people).
My partner and I have to host twice through the year, the rest of the year we go to whoever is hosting at their house. I get that it’s a cool idea to keep close as a family, but we see his parents AT LEAST once a week as is.
(My dad lives very far away and I see him once or twice a year, so that might be a contributing factor to my feelings.)
I am quite uneasy with being required to host a whole family dinner every now and again, first of all, because I have a small 2 bedroom flat and can barely fit 15 people in here, second of all is because every time it’s time to host there’s this pressure to make a spectacular thing out of it.
(They plan a theme for the day and set out tables etc etc.) Hosting is not my thing. I do not enjoy the pressure (I have to take anxiety meds before the whole thing every time because of the pressure) and my idea of being close to family is just sitting and having a drink with my dad with no expectations just enjoying the vibe.
So I had a disagreement with my partner this morning because the dates his dad set out for us are one – on a weekend we will be away, and two – on my partner’s birthday. So my argument is what if I wanted to arrange something for his birthday for just him?
Now I have to host a whole family dinner on his birthday? And I wanted to cancel the dinner on the weekend we’ll be away but he said we’ll just have to move it, (making it two dinners in one month, one by us, one by whoever hosts next).
I just feel like they require us to give up a day every month for these family things ‘to spend more time together’ even though we see them a LOT.
And I guess it’s bugging me cause I’d rather be with my own family miles away just chilling without any pressure to be a perfect, hosting housewife.
Keep in mind his family is VERY orthodox and mine is a bit more down to earth. So I do not understand the whole orthodox family thing to begin with.
If I voice my unwillingness to host a whole thing then the entire family will be upset with me.
There is no compromise. Either I just shut up and do it (and suffer severe anxiety on the day of to get everything perfect) or I refuse and upset them and drive a wedge in the family.
Am I the jerk for not wanting to participate?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Someone else can’t just plan to have dinner at your house. It’s YOUR house. I don’t know why you need to make it perfect, though. It’s meant to be about getting the family together, not a competition. Let them host how they host. You do you.
Heck, maybe they’ll stop asking you to host if it isn’t “up to par” Also, just ask to switch with someone else if the dates aren’t great. Maybe don’t even make it a dinner! Way more family bonding can be done with a game night.
Have it be about fun rather than food. Tell everyone to eat before they come, and you’ll be happy to host an event, but honestly can’t seat 14+ people in your house. But, if you don’t want that at all, let them know. You aren’t even married. Why should you need to host the whole family?” JaxValentine91
Another User Comments:
“If I had to give a quick answer I’d say NTJ, don’t do it, this is just the first in a string of humiliating power moves (it isn’t even a tradition), and your partner needs to have your back or go away.
But I have questions: Do you live together? Who owns the fiat or is on the lease? Have you talked about marriage and/or kids? Is the plan for the women in the family to do all the work? What’s your partner’s exact position on this?
Are you up for being a part of a family run by a dictatorial patriarch? This isn’t even like a cultural or religious duty as far as I can tell, just no one person’s directive.” Traveling-Techie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I’d be maliciously complying with this “request.” Anyone who orders me to fix a family dinner will regret it.
The first meal they’d receive would be the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving meal, except the jelly beans would be all licorice flavored. If I were still scheduled for a second meal, then they’d be finding out that I’ve managed to set water on fire.
I’m the “plates and ice” family member.” HedgieTwiggles
20. AITJ For Not Wanting To Work With My Ex-Best Friend Who Had An Affair With My Partner?
“1. My ex-best friend had a 4-month long affair with my then-partner. That wrecked me emotionally. That was now 2 years ago.
2. I am a project manager for a small company in the creative field.
3. My ex-best friend (Lia) started at the company 2 months ago but originally in a different department.
To the story:
We started a new project at the beginning of this month. One of the team members had to exit the project due to a long time absence. So Lia was assigned to my team. When I tell you, my stomach dropped when she walked in.
So I did the thing I thought was the most responsible thing. I went to HR and reported the conflict of interest, saying that it might be very difficult for me to stay 100 percent objective. So I asked to either be reassigned or for her to switch projects.
Anyway, Monday rolls around, and Lia does not come to our meeting room but a different woman.
I thought that was it. But I got a message from Lia, calling me spiteful and vengeful for taking an amazing chance from her and her portfolio.
I have just been feeling all-around nauseous.
I don’t know if I am just feeling bad or if I am feeling guilty. So if you could tell me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The fact that you offered to be reassigned yourself instead of asking for her to be reassigned, and they still chose to reassign HER says volumes.
You are not the jerk for going to management about a valid concern; they handled it the way they saw fit. She sounds vindictive and immature.” zeeelfprince
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your ex bestie is. If she felt any remorse for her actions she’d stay away.
But she took a job where you work? Jerk move right there. Then she knows she’s on your team and she doesn’t back out. Jerk move. She then blames you for being honest about the conflict of interest? Jerk move. Finally, she complains about you taking something from her yeah, grand finale jerk move.
Was she always jealous of you and trying to take things that belong to you, or was it just a recent thing? I get stalker vibes from this woman. Record all conversations, take screenshots of messages, and watch your back.” JaJaJatotheLa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You did the responsible thing under the circumstances; it would not have been to the advantage of either of you for Lia to remain on your team. Things would have gone downhill. And when the waste product hit the circulating device, it would have been Lia, as the person with less seniority, who would have suffered. If she thought about it, she’d realize that.” Dear-Midnight
19. AITJ For Telling My Sick Husband To Get His Own Medicine And Groceries?
“I (34f) have been with my husband (34m) for 15 years. For a little bit of a back story, I work at a grocery store and he does not. I’ve only worked at a grocery store for around 8 years but I’ve always done ALL of the shopping.
He’s gone with me maybe a few times. It’s so bad that I fear when I die, he won’t know what to do.
Well, he’s been sick for the last few days and hasn’t gone to work all week, but he is always calling out for something.
This morning he was complaining about needing medicine as I was on my way to work. (I work 10-hour days) So I told him to go to the store to get himself some medicine so he wasn’t miserable all day. He didn’t say anything. So I come home and he says he is so sick of drinking water that he wants me to go to the store and get him something to drink and some medicine.
I checked the account to see how much money we had and saw that he went to the gas station earlier to get himself stuff so he was well enough for that but not to help himself. I tried to call him out on it and he started yelling at me telling me I’m in the wrong and he refuses to go to the grocery store because I work at one.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ if he’s well enough to go to the gas station he’s well enough to go to the store for medicine. And you weren’t refusing him outright, you just pointed out that he’d suffer for over ten hours if he waited for you to come back with it, so he should go get it himself, and he didn’t answer, so that left the ball in his court.” rabbitfluff345
Another User Comments:
“Sigh. You are a jerk to yourself for putting up with this nonsense for so long. I think deep in your heart you know that even at 19 he surely knew how to locate a grocery store and enter it. Quit kidding yourself that he’s unable.
He’s unwilling. He will function just fine without you. The only question is whether he will wait until you’re dead, or only until you ditch this deadwood who seriously burdens someone like this after she’s worked a 10-hour day. NTJ since the question is re saying no to getting the medicine.
But eesh stop shopping for him altogether at this point unless you are already going for yourself. No more special requests.” SearchApprehensive35
Another User Comments:
“As you said if he can make it to a gas station, then why can’t he buy the medicine? He is scared that if he does it this time, then you know he is capable of doing it again.
So he would rather suffer than have that implication. He just willfully not doing it, and you are just mothering him. Thinking it is just the way he is, rather than him being too lazy and not wanting the extra work. I guess there are plenty of other examples in the relationship where he does this, where you relent and think he can’t do that, I better do it.” School_of_thought1
18. AITJ For Not Wanting To Share My Inheritance With My Great Uncle's Daughter?
“An old woman Mary born in the 1940s passed away a few weeks ago, she left no will. That means that the government seeks her closest living relatives by blood, and splits it evenly. This is the law in the country where she lived and passed away.
It turns out her only living heirs are my great-uncle Fred, myself, and 4 other cousins. None of us knew Mary. In theory, are we deserving of her money? No. But in the eyes of the law? Yes.
We have received an email from our great-uncle stating that we should all give up a piece of our inheritances to his daughter Emma who supposedly cared for her.
He wants us to gift her $20k out of our inheritance share.
Here are the concerns:
- Emma is a known fraudster in our family, she has done some despicable things. Therefore we have no actual proof that she even really cared for this old woman Mary that much.
So is Emma deserving of $20k? I don’t know, she may or may not be.
- Emma is also asking for a $5k reimbursement of funds she spent on Mary to care for her. Why didn’t Emma claim anything back from Mary when she was alive?
This seems like a large sum to “hope” that would be refunded to you. Emma is also unemployed.
- Emma also wants $30k for funeral organization costs and moving of furniture. This seems extremely high? Is Emma taking the remainder for herself?
My great uncle Fred is inheriting $60k.
The rest of us are inheriting $15k each.
I do not trust Emma, I feel that she is inflating numbers to steal from the estate. Had it been someone else I would feel differently giving up a share.
Emma will inherit from her father Fred eventually, so why do we have to be involved in giving her funds now?
Fred could also give his daughter Emma some of his $60k share. i.e. not making us give up a piece of ours.
Yes I know that this inheritance was undeserved and unexpected for all of us. But should I just blindly give up a piece for someone who may not be deserving or legally entitled?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In most places, the funeral expenses and anything owed to Emma for caring for Mary are the responsibility of Mary’s estate and will be paid out BEFORE any inheritance is distributed. As far as the inheritance not being ‘deserved’, well no inheritance is really ‘deserved’.
It isn’t something that is ‘earned’ by having a relationship with the person. Mary could have had a will and distributed her assets however she wanted. Since she didn’t then the laws of her country say you DO deserve the money. Keep YOUR money. DO NOT give any to Emma or Fred. If you really don’t feel right taking it, then give it to a legitimate charity rather than your greedy great uncle and his daughter.” SSN-683
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not a lawyer, but I used to work in probate, specifically handling how debts are paid after someone passes. Funeral is a priority debt, paid before taxes, and secured debt. So are final medical expenses (not for forever, but like hospice or they are in hospital before they die).
So those are paid BEFORE estate tax and other secured and unsecured debts. Only after all that is paid will heirs get anything. So no, she isn’t due anything from any heirs, the estate is required to pay those in advance.” ManaKitten
Another User Comments:
“This sounds sketchy as heck. You talk about no will, but then say Emma isn’t mentioned in THE will. Also, all estates are going to probate if there is no assigned will and executor and no immediate spouse as next of kin, or assets having shared ownership with other persons.
All the assets don’t just get handed off to some random family member to do whatever they want with them. Estates are not a quick and dirty job to deal with, there is an entire process involved to ensure any creditor who can prove debts has a chance to make themselves whole, and this process typically takes 1-3 years even when there IS a will involved. IF there was a will with particular stipulations providing for you to a certain dollar figure, take it and do whatever you want with it.
If this is just some guy dribbling out the assets of the estate as he sees fit, that person is going to be on the hook when creditors or the government come looking for dollars. Either way, this sounds like a made-up story, or best case a complete lack of understanding of the background process involved in clearing up the estate of a deceased person who did not prepare for this eventuality with a last will and testament.” RateLimiter
17. AITJ For Refusing To Meet My Dad's New Partner's Kids?
“My (17M) dad and I used to get along very well but recently we haven’t.
He’s been with lots of different women over the years and they all always have kids most of the time younger than me and I end up babysitting for his partners unpaid as “they are family”.
I don’t really like to talk about my dad as a lot has happened so I always make jokes about him going to get milk.
He sent me a message asking me to call him when I got back from going out which I did. He told me that I need to book some time off work (which won’t be approved as it’s last minute) as I’m going to meet his partner’s kids.
I was a bit stunned at the fact he told me it was going to happen. I immediately said no as I have only met his partner like twice and they’ve been together for a short period of time. He told me that they aren’t young and I won’t be used as a babysitter but I told him it’s not the point you can’t just spring it on to me and expect me to comply.
He started to yell at me and call me names saying that I should meet her kids as she’s the one (he’s said that about all of his other partners and has been married twice both for not long periods of time). I told him I would like to wait till he’s been with her for a lot longer so I don’t get upset if they split and I can’t talk to them anymore.
He angrily put the phone down and sent me a paragraph (which made me upset and I didn’t respond as I didn’t know what to say).
I spoke to my mum about it and she told me that she won’t get involved as my dad will just snap at her and be rude about it all.
I haven’t spoken to my dad since this, he has called and texted me but I have just ignored them. He finally stopped last night after he sent me a paragraph explaining that I am ungrateful and acting like a spoiled brat he ended the message by saying I’m a jerk and that he won’t bother talking to me again.
So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Parents have responsibilities to their children, and none of what you’ve said has indicated he’s fulfilled them. One of those responsibilities is teaching their kid how to communicate calmly without flying off the handle and calling names, and to keep commitments (like not skipping out of work on a last-minute whim).
He’s definitely failing at that. Frankly, even from the very sketchy details you have given, it sounds like he’s failed at being a parent full stop, no matter how well you used to get along. Ignoring him probably won’t help keep your relationship, but to have a relationship it sounds like you will have to step up and be the “adult” (which isn’t fair to you).
You need to decide what you want the shape of your relationship to be and where your boundaries are, and defend that.” LurkerByNatureGT
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ. Maybe communicate with your dad through text, so you can plan out what you want to say before responding.
Tell him you can’t take last-minute time off work. Then ask him to tell you what is different about this girl, how does he know she is the one, etc. Depending on his answers you can decide whether to eventually meet her kids, or just keep delaying till she is out of the picture.” Not-Enough-Spoons
Another User Comments:
“Mate, your dad is still out for milk, yeah? lol Cat’s In The Cradle. A song. While your bio dad has been either neglecting you or using you (babysitting), you have been growing up and the reality hasn’t hit him yet.
You are no longer that 10-, 12-, or 14-year-old he can force into unpaid labor. You no longer have to have relationships with the rotating carousel of women and their children he drags through his life. You are nearly 18 years old. You have work, responsibilities, friends, possibly classes, etc. You will feel better when you recognize that his power over you is a fading shadow.
You are charting your own life now. Try to reach that calm place of self-assurance so you can respond rather than react to people, but especially to your dad. Perhaps, let your dad know you love him and are happy he has met someone (even if you don’t care).
You have responsibilities and will meet them eventually, but you have a schedule to keep. Maybe you can arrange to meet them at a coffee shop for 1/2 hour – somewhere that he can’t dump child responsibility on you. Avoid those kids like the plague.
Always have something else you have to do. You are almost 18, OP. Good luck.” Avlonnic2
16. AITJ For Not Giving A Monetary Gift At My Sister's Destination Wedding?
“My sister Sarah and her fiance have been together for 7 years and have lived together for 3-4 years. They decided on a destination wedding because getting married in the States was going to be costly, especially considering that everyone who would be invited in our large family, it would be 170-200 people.
Wedding: Punta Cana, 5-star resort, the whole thing cost my partner and me close to $4000 from accommodations/flights/clothing for the destination and event/tips.
There were 40 people; mostly the groom’s side and some friends. But only our parents, an aunt and uncle, and our four siblings made up our own family.
She had welcome bags for everyone and my sisters and I received custom robes from Sarah as the getting ready present as part of the wedding day even though we were not part of the bridal party. They had her best friend as MoH and her brother-in-law as best man.
I planned on gifting her (post-wedding) a handmade custom embroidery piece that I crafted that was something beautiful she could hang in her apartment and future new home. As well as looking into buying Sarah something off of the registry.
I never told my sister that that is what I chose to do.
But she’s offended that my siblings and I didn’t get her a monetary gift. Regularly saying before the wedding that this isn’t just a wedding but a vacation for us. As well as saying it would be wrong if we didn’t go to the wedding as her siblings.
I’ve made accommodations to her requests and booked through her wedding travel agent (paying slightly more) instead of originally booking through Expedia because I would earn/use points.
I even tried to preface Sarah with the possibility that she may receive less from guests because it was a destination; or that for people who couldn’t come, they would send less money or no wedding gift at all.
Based on various etiquette posts I had seen.
Sarah is comparing us to other guests who chose to gift $100 or more and noting that our plates were $75 each. Our other siblings have other financial constraints. One is mid-divorce with lawyers involved. Besides the fact that those three siblings shared a room since it made it more cost-effective than being 2:1 in separate rooms.
AITJ for not gifting money at the wedding and standing by our siblings’ choice to not gift money because this trip—although fun and a wedding experience that we will never forget—was a big expense to just go there?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Yes, her destination wedding may have cost your sister and her husband less money but it cost their 40 guests a total of about $80k.
Additionally, your sister wanted you to book through her travel agent because your sister and her husband got discounts on their travel due to the rest of the group booking at full/increased price. You just helped pay for your sister’s wedding. She has no right to tell you what to give her as a gift.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sarah is really… stupid. Like… a brick stupid. If someone is having a destination wedding, THEY need to pay for the travel and hotels, etc. If they don’t, they can’t expect people to travel there. And they cannot expect people to both travel and provide gifts.
Wow, she is stupid. Sucks for the person marrying her.” AlaskanDruid
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Going through the agent means you subsidized the wedding. The wedding was NOT a vacation for all of you. You had no say in where you went or when. I don’t know the etiquette for destination weddings, but she’s acting entitled given you spent time and money to go to her wedding.
Even if she had a wedding that was local, she was never entitled to a monetary gift. A gift is common etiquette, but not necessarily cash.” FancyPantsDancer
15. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For My New Cat's Medical Bills If My Parents Keep Ignoring Pet Care Advice?
“Last August our family dog passed away. She was about 12 and she lived a relatively good life but her death could have been a bit less bad and less painful for her.
In 2021 on Thanksgiving, she got super sick. We took her to the vet and they said yeah no, she had really bad kidney stones and a UTI, no more people food. My brother and I understood that. My parents on the other hand only decided to follow these instructions for a week or so.
That entire time we followed those instructions she got better.
Then when my parents decided to feed her people food again, guess what? Boom, back in the hospital again for the same thing, kidney stones and UTI. Once again we were told the same thing.
For a whole year, we cycled through this over and over again. My brother and I were upset and kept yelling at our parents but they would sneakily feed her behind our backs. Then she died of kidney failure in August.
Not even a month later, we get a text from our mom saying “I got a cat.” Um?
Hello? We didn’t agree to this, we said we’d wait a year to get something so we can research and be prepared. She brings home the cat, it hides and stays in my brother’s room under the bed. Of course she cries and is like “oh no I regret this so much.” Yeah no kidding Sherlock.
It took a while for him to get used to us and he’s such a sweetheart. (To me and my brother at least, he’s okay with my dad, slightly okay with my mom).
I found out they’re giving him Q-tips to play with.
I got immediately upset, saying that they shouldn’t be doing that and it may cause a serious blockage that could hospitalize him. They laugh it off and say it’s fine. That’s when I blow up and yell at them screaming everything under the sun and end it with “I’m not going to pay for any of his medical bills if he gets sick, you figure it out on your own.
If he dies it’s on you just like our dog.” My mom cried and my dad was upset. My brother is on my side. I don’t really mean it when I say I’m not going to pay, I absolutely will because I love my cat, but it’s just so frustrating.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents need to realize that your pets aren’t just household accessories that they are just keeping alive, and not to be insensitive, but they failed even on that level. You are absolutely not in the wrong for trying to put your pets in a safe environment.” Electrical-Cold5632
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t know how old you and your brother are…but seriously, think of rehoming the cat. You and your brother are unable to supervise or even get through to your parents about the responsibilities of pet ownership – and bluntly, they are horrible pet owners and don’t deserve to have them.
Paying the vet bills is one thing, but allowing them to suffer so that you have to is another. And, that is the crux of the matter.” BefuddledPolydactyls
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but maybe buy or make some safer cat toys and ask your mom to only let the cat play with those.
Just as fun to watch but safer for the cat. If she and your dad can’t do that, then honestly talk to them about rehoming the poor thing. Or maybe you and your brother can move out and split rent? Take the cat with you.
They don’t seem to be responsible pet owners.” mtg2951
14. AITJ For Turning Off My Location Tracking After My Parents Invaded My Privacy?
“I (28F) have a good relationship with my mum (60F) and dad (63M) but struggle with boundaries. I live in a city and my parents live about 2 hours away.
We have Apple family and so have the Find My Phone app. My parents are rubbish with tech, but my dad can use the app and I know he uses it when I drive to their house.
Thursday night I was out for drinks and stayed at a friend’s. My usual train line stops after 12pm and adds a 15-minute walk to my flat. Sometimes I call my mum when walking as she’s up late and happy to chat.
Friday I wake up feeling unwell at my friend’s.
At about 12:30 pm I see 2 texts from my mum & 2 missed calls from my dad asking if I had a good time the night before and to let them know I was ok.
Clearly one/both had looked where I was the night before, then looked again to see where I was on the Friday morning, and saw I was not at my flat or office.
I replied I was fine and to stop tracking me, my mum just replied ‘sorry’. I removed my location from the app, she asked me to add her back and I said no. We didn’t speak after that.
The week after I drove to my parents’ and my mum was moody.
I confronted her and said I felt they invaded my privacy and they had crossed a boundary, and she shouldn’t be looking at where I am or whose flat I am staying at.
She didn’t agree with that and said she had only looked because (1) she has been watching a lot of TV about crime in my city (2) I didn’t ring her the night before (3) I didn’t text until midday Friday.
Then she said that SHE wasn’t angry at ME anymore, and it was better I didn’t share my location as she couldn’t do anything 2 hrs away anyway.
We got into more of an argument, went to bed, and the following morning she was sulking with passive-aggressive comments and one-word answers.
So I drove back to the city without saying goodbye, which I know was probably childish, but I was angry. I just couldn’t bring myself to apologize or make the first move to her when I felt I hadn’t done anything wrong.
It’s now been 3 weeks and we haven’t spoken.
This is the longest we have gone without reconciling.
My mum is she is a grudge holder and usually we have to grovel and apologize to reconcile with her, even if we haven’t done anything wrong.
She is good at being able to flip the narrative of an argument so if she has to apologize, you do too, just so we are both wrong.
I don’t want to grovel to her first for the sake of peace because her feelings are hurt, which is what I would usually do.
My brother (26M) wants to stay out of it but agrees with me. She has been standoffish with him since and tried to justify her actions to him.
She also said to him that I had really hurt her and that she was upset.
I didn’t realize they had been regularly looking at my location as it’s not something I would even think to do or need to set a boundary on.
I am struggling to see if I am totally justified in still being angry or AITJ for hurting her feelings?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the fact they had this feature enabled and didn’t tell you upfront is crossing the line. You’re their adult child and not even just barely an adult, but late 20s.
As for your mum, don’t reach out 1st, that’s what she wants. Set your boundaries and stick to them, if she wants to be in your life, she’ll either step up, or she won’t. The worst thing you can do with a toxic person (and that’s what this is), is allow them free rent in your head.
My dad was a “my way or the highway” type of father, I chose the highway, it was tough in the beginning, but very freeing once it sunk in that I didn’t have to tippy toe around him and constantly seek approval that I would never get unless I did exactly what he wanted.” Alarming_Physics4188
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her passive-aggressively calling you, and your dad’s comment about “having fun” were unnecessary. Being short as a response doesn’t make you a jerk. You realized what they were using it for and disabled it. Also reasonable. She tried to insist you re-enable it and got sulky when you said no. You’re not calling her because you’re tired of her nonsense and she’s not calling you because she’s trying to win.
As a child of an overbearing mother… You go girl. I’m 40 and still struggle with that.” annoyedCDNthrowaway
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you deserve privacy if that’s what you want with that being said I won’t get into it very much because I’ve told this story so many times but when I finished high school one of my best friends’ mom was abducted. A few days later they found her glasses and cell phone behind our high school where we then knew she was taken.
It haunted me knowing that if only we could have tracked her phone we would have been at the very least 2 days closer to knowing where she was taken. After that, I put trackers on my mom, stepdad, brother, and partner and I looked all the time.
I was terrified of something like this happening to me or my family; I’ve settled down now and don’t track them as we slowly phased out of it but you get the point.” DCCofficially
13. AITJ For Trying To Sleep On A Plane While Nursing A Migraine?
“I was on a flight today and started having a migraine. I put down my tray table and rested my head on it.
Then the person in front of me suddenly tried to recline her seat and it must have met with some resistance from my head. I don’t know if it fully reclined or not, but a few minutes later she slammed it back and this time it hit my head (not hard enough to hurt, but hard enough to startle me out of my sleep).
I sat bolt upright. She turned around and looked at me and said something that I assumed was an apology, but I couldn’t hear because the plane was loud. I scooted back further in the tray to avoid another direct hit, which I didn’t think would impact her ability to recline, and resumed nursing my migraine.
As I was getting off the plane, she was waiting in the jet bridge for me and said “You’re a jerk for holding up the seat.” I said I wasn’t holding up the seat I was just trying to rest. And she repeated her assertion that I was a jerk.
I said I was really confused and was just trying to sleep and walked off saying, nope, jerk.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“She’s not a jerk for reclining. You’re not a jerk for resting your head on the tray. She should have maybe checked when it wouldn’t recline, but I don’t even think she’s a jerk for assuming the mechanism was stuck and pushing back.
The jerk behavior occurs when she accuses you of intentionally blocking her and calls you names. NTJ.” No-Entertainment3435
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As an “older” person, reclining seats were never a problem “back in the day” because the seats weren’t crammed together with the absolute minimum space allowed between rows.
As I have experienced, people rarely recline anymore out of courtesy for the person behind them. If they do recline, it’s only a little click or two for comfort, remaining considerate of the person whose space is being encroached upon. She is an inconsiderate, massive jerk.” uTop-Artichoke5020
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Airlines are trying to shove so many seats on the plane that no one can get comfortable no matter what. The person in front of you was being a jerk for the entitlement. I don’t understand how people can be like that.
I’m plus size, and I can never put my tray down because if the person in front of me puts their seat down it digs into me. I had this happen on a flight and the tray got caught so my sister asked the guy to put his seat up for a second (not even the whole time!) so I could close the tray and the guy refused. A flight attendant had to come and make him put his seat up because I was actually in pain.
By then most of the flight was staring at us and I was so embarrassed that I ended up crying for the duration of the flight while the guy complained and mumbled about me to his seatmate. You didn’t do anything wrong by putting your head down.
You doing so did not impact anyone else on the flight negatively, that woman’s actions were harmful towards you because she essentially hit you with the chair. Planes are made to fit as many people in as they can, putting your seat back is a luxury and not a right.” Fairy_Godmother1
12. AITJ For Refusing To Babysit My Friend's Rude Child Anymore?
“I (f) have been helping a friend out by looking after her child and fitting my life around her schedule for the past 4 months. (5 hours on days I work and 8 on my only day off)
The thing is, she’s so rude. She’s 9 years old and her attitude I believe has developed by watching too many YouTube videos of sassy people and trying to copy them.
Yesterday when she came over while her mum was at work. Now I have a condition called IBS and sometimes it starts when I’m stressed. I use odor spray and products to try and minimize the smell because who actually wants that?
Well while I was having an episode the child was standing outside the bathroom door laughing at me.
After I came out I politely told her that her actions hurt me a little and tried to describe my condition in the best way possible. She called me a disgusting pig with a lousy backside (actual words from a 10-year-old).
So when I dropped her back to her mum, I told her that was the last time I’d be watching her.
And told her why. (Also this is not the first time the child has been rude towards me) like I said she thinks she’s being sassy and cute.
So am I the jerk for no longer looking after this child? My friend cannot work without finding childcare and the dad is NC with them (no idea why, I’ve never met him and feel it’s not my place to ask).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The kid is a brat and her parents have obviously let YouTube raise her. It is not on you to sort out your friend’s childcare arrangements, she needs to start being a parent and managing her own child’s care and her behavior.
She’s not “sassy and cute” she’s rude and while she’s only 9 now she will grow into a rude and entitled teenager.” AvalonWood
Another User Comments:
“I have 2 grandkids who were brought up by YouTube, even down to the American accents. They’re also brats who don’t really listen.
The youngest who is nearly 6 is the worst. He is hard to understand, but also never listens, throws tantrums if you say no to him for anything, and is a sly bully. Will hit or rag someone when no one is looking, yet runs into adults if the other kid retaliates.
His older sister who is 7, has stopped the tantrums, but has a very teenage vocabulary and can argue with you in her American accent and uses the Offended word far too much. They are a nightmare. So I can imagine where you’re coming from. Mine’s family and even then I try not to visit too much or babysit.
So good for you managing to stop babysitting the brat. Looks like Mom’s going to have to parent her child now.” Silver-Appointment77
Another User Comments:
“NTJ that behavior is unacceptable. It’s not cute and a nine-year-old has no business acting like that. Her mother is obviously letting YouTube raise her child.
She needs to teach her child some manners. Dealing with that kid for the last 4 months and having to put up with her behavior for £30-£60 is not worth it. I don’t care what your relationship is, if I had acted like that as a kid my parents would’ve slapped me so hard I would’ve woken up in the next week.
If my child acted like that they would have their first job at nine years old cleaning the house and having no electronics until they learned to behave and be respectful.” Sir-Rogu-of-Attics
11. AITJ For Exposing My Aunt's Lie About Returning An Adopted Dog?
“I work at an animal shelter. We got a dog that came in pretty bad shape as a stray, posted it as lost, shelter had it for 3 months before it was adopted by my aunt and uncle. The shelter posts the adoption on social media, and the original owner of the dog comes forward.
The original owner said she didn’t start looking for the dog until that day. According to the vet, the bad shape the animal was in must have been occurring while in the original owner’s care. The shelter had legal ownership of the animal.
Despite this, my aunt wanted to give the dog back.
I informed her that I was against it, and that the shelter will handle any issues because the adopter’s identity was still hidden. She still wanted to give the dog back.
At a family gathering, I was asked by the family why I ‘dropped the ball’ with that situation.
Turns out Aunt told them that the shelter forced them to return the dog back to the owner. So I corrected them.
Now cousins won’t talk to their mom, I guess uncle is now sleeping on the couch.
Most of the family thought I was out of line for ruining a white lie that could now ruin a family.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your aunt slandering you is not a white lie. She tried to throw you under the bus for her desire to get rid of the dog. The truth needed to be stated. You don’t have to sit back and let her lie about you.
Any family problems with your aunt are your aunt’s doing and are well-deserved.” extinct_diplodocus
Another User Comments:
“”White lies” by definition are lies about something trivial where no harm is done. Your aunt’s lie resulted in harm to the dog, harm to the shelter, and harm to you.
It was not a “White lie” it was a lie designed to transfer the heat off of her and for other people to bear the cost of her choices. Regardless of the type of lie, if your aunt wants you to keep her secrets, she should tell you that before spreading her narrative.
NTJ.” Floating-Cynic
Another User Comments:
“Nope – most shelters require that if you can’t keep an animal you RETURN it to the shelter. They vet the adopting folks to make sure the animal will be safe and cared for. Giving a dog back to people who abused it is not acceptable and I’d call out anyone who did that.
I would report the incident to the shelter along with names/addresses – and let them follow up. They might do a visit to see if the animal is cared for or ask animal welfare to do a visit. Do whatever is necessary to make sure the animal is not suffering again.” omeomi24
10. AITJ For Refusing To Go On A Trip With My Partner's Family Who Don't Like Me?
“My partner Charlie and I have been together 18 months. His family has planned a trip in April and he asked me to go. Two weeks in a rental house with his family is not really my ideal holiday but I agreed.
A couple of days ago, he mentioned that while on the trip, I should spend less time with him, his dad, and his brother, and try to hang out more with his mum, sister, and SIL. I was taken aback by this and he said it’s a sore spot with the women in his family that they feel like I’m overly friendly with the male relatives.
To be clear, I’m not “overly friendly” with anyone. Charlie’s whole family doesn’t like me because of socioeconomic differences, and the women make it CLEAR. They constantly make passive-aggressive remarks about the way I do/don’t do things, my appearance, and even my accent.
It takes everything in me not to read them to absolute filth, but I don’t. I’ve told Charlie many times to just let it go because I don’t want to be the cause of friction, and it’s not like their comments mean anything to me.
That said, I’m not a glutton for punishment, so beyond cordial interactions, I spend visits with Charlie, his dad, and his brother. I don’t flatter myself that the men are any less judgmental than their wives, but I guess out of respect for the fact that I’m a woman, they’ve never been anything but kind to me.
They’ve never made an out-of-pocket comment to my face, and we can have good conversations. I guess my speaking to them is considered “overly friendly” by women who go out of their way to be rude to me. Ha.
Anyway, knowing this context, I was shocked that Charlie would even go along with asking me this.
I said if I wasn’t able to talk to the only people I could stand on the trip, I just wouldn’t go. Charlie and I argued, and what it comes down to is that he feels I should try once more to build bridges with the women, and I refuse to waste my vacation time with people I don’t like and don’t like me.
I also refuse to be told whom I can speak to, as if I am Hester Prynne and I must be kept away from anyone I might ensnare with feminine wiles.
AITJ for putting my foot down and refusing to go?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
1) Two weeks is too long to spend on a vacation with extended family unless you have your own separate cabin/house/accommodation that you can retreat to. 2) I would seriously rethink your relationship with your partner. Just imagine how wonderful it would be to marry into a family that actually liked you, instead of enduring a lifetime of snarky digs from your in-laws.” dunemi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ does your partner understand what is going on? And if so how come he expects you to go on this trip? It’s not like you will have the time of your life. It’s his responsibility to talk to his family and set some boundaries like “I have chosen this woman and I expect you to at least respect her and try to be kind, or we are going to have a problem.” I believe this is the only healthy reaction of someone if their family does not fully accept their choice.” Only_Lavishness_3271
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. So the women in the family are actively rude to you and then complain to your partner because you are removing yourself from the insults?! And their reasoning is that you are “overly friendly with the men”?! And your partner’s reaction to that audacity is to agree and tell you to just take the insults?!
Don’t go on that vacation. And have a serious conversation with your partner about the future of your relationship and how his family treats you. If they want you to go on a vacation with them, the women in the family first need to demonstrate that they can treat you at least politely.” MrsPomMummy
9. AITJ For Insisting On Following The 5-5-5 Rule After Giving Birth?
“I (26F) gave birth to my second child two days ago (it was a beautiful home birth so I was never discharged from the hospital.). With my first and this pregnancy, I made it clear to my husband that I wanted to follow the 5-5-5 rule.
He seemed to drag his feet but because he wanted kids more than I did, he agreed.
I STILL LOVE MY KIDS DEARLY AND WOULDN’T NOT HAVE THEM NOW. I just didn’t want to go through pregnancy.
First five days “In bed.”
Nothing but skin-to-skin with my daughter, breastfeeding, and resting.
Next five days “on bed.”
Sitting up, still breastfeeding, cuddling with baby, doing homework with my son, crossword puzzles, etc.
Next five after that “around bed.”
Still majority resting but doing light chores, folding laundry, diaper changing, just not standing for more than 30 minutes. All while still, cuddling with baby, breastfeeding baby, doing homework with my son, and coloring.
This baby is very colicky and my husband is the one having to get out of bed, walk around with her, sit in the rocking chair, do diapers, and take her and our son on walks to get some sunshine.
Our son (5) has started acting out at home due to the stress of the new baby and lack of sleep, we’ve offered him to go to my parents next door and he seems interested.
We’ve prepared a month’s worth of freezer meals so for dinner all he has to do is throw the DISPOSABLE tin in the oven and walk away for a few hours.
We have a dog he needs to feed and take out on walks with the kids.
Today he came to me crying saying it was all too much and he couldn’t do this by himself. I reminded him that he agreed to it and I have to go back to work shortly after the 5-5-5 is up, so I need to be as rested and healed as possible so I can better perform tasks at work and then come home and perform tasks as well.
He begged me to help out with our son who will not sit still and help with light cleaning (wiping countertops, gathering clutter into a pile, etc.)
I again said no, I am entitled to rest and I will help around the house in eight days.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But! Unless you’re very healthy (under 35, BMI under 30, have had less than 3 term pregnancies, with no history of smoking/diabetes/varicose veins/Chrones or IBS/prolonged hospitalization/surgical procedures or any family history of non-surgery related DVTS), you’ll need to mobilize a little.
If you get a Deep Vein Thrombosis, have a stroke, or a pulmonary embolism, that’ll really ruin your maternity leave. The blood gets extra sticky during late pregnancy to compensate for and reduce blood loss at birth. If you’re genuinely barely moving for 15 days and have any of the above conditions, your risk of having a stroke (as a result of that extra sticky blood not being pushed around your veins from movement and causing clots) is very high.
Please mobilize.” HayWhatsCooking
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Retired nurse here and just want to offer a ‘caution’. 5 days in bed after delivery results in a large risk for blood clots and complications even after an uncomplicated delivery (at home or hospital). I understand the need for you to spend time with newborn bonding, getting your milk supply established, and getting needed rest. I agree the husband should be prepared to take care of the household duties, including care of your other child, please make sure you do get up and move around.
And it would be perfectly acceptable to hire a cleaning service for 2-3 times a week if you can afford it. Baby clothes pile up quickly right?” Retired-Onc-Nurse
Another User Comments:
“I dunno, I almost feel YTJ. This 5-5-5 rule sounds absurd (and I’ve given birth twice, after having a really difficult pregnancy both times).
While it’s nice to just lie around for 15 days, life gets in the way. You either want kids and help like a parent would, or you don’t.” FaithlessnessFar6547
8. AITJ For Not Wanting To Pay For My Sibling's Accommodation?
“I’m currently studying in a foreign country and one of my siblings is going to visit me soon.
I am honestly happy about it, although I have some worries but overall, I am glad they are coming here. They are a family of three, with a child under 14 so finding a good accommodation was a bit challenging. In the end, we managed to find something good, and as my sibling has been saying multiple times that they want me to be there with them, I agreed to reserve it for the four of us.
Fast forward to now and they wrote me a message that I have to pay one-third of the apartment, but it can wait until I get back to our country. It shocked me a bit because up until now it sounded like an invite, and if I had known this beforehand, I would have just stayed at my place and gone to their accommodation every morning but whatever, nothing can be done now so I said that it is fine but I don’t really get why I have to pay one-third when it is the four of us.
My sibling told me that it is because their child is naturally not financially capable of paying for it, so that’s why. I told my sibling that I get that but I feel like it is not really fair to expect me to pay part of the child’s accommodation too.
To be honest, it’s not my child, of course I love them, but I think that the child’s accommodation fee should be paid by the parents. My sibling told me at the end that they want no drama and I can pay just one quarter if “I feel like that” but I kinda have a feeling they don’t see the initial problem that a) they told me the conditions of the accommodation very late and b) that I don’t think I should be expected to pay one-third of their child’s accommodation fee.
My bigger problem is the latter. Am I the jerk for thinking their child’s accommodation fee is their responsibility alone?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They’re being unreasonable expecting you to pay for an additional place when you already live there. Also, you’re right that if anyone has to subsidize their child, it’s the parents and not you.
I don’t see how it’s too late though since you haven’t paid them. I would tell them that since you already live there and have a place, you thought the invite meant that you would not have to pay and that you could not afford to pay.
Then… don’t pay. Sleep at your place each night and meet up with them during the day. If you’re the one who made the booking and paid upfront, cancel it and get your money back.” friendlily
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You should have said no to the 1/3 payment right away.
They tricked you into paying for some of their rental cost. During their stay, if they want to eat in a restaurant, you let them pay for all four of you. If they want groceries for the rental, let them pay. Tell them that you are offering free guide services so they can at least feed you.” hadMcDofordinner
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sibling is taking advantage of you. Stay home where you have a bed to sleep in and won’t have to share with a kicking child. When you go out with them, have a budget worked out and stick to it, because otherwise, they’ll be talking you into paying for souvenirs, admission fees, transport, and so on for them.
You are their host, not their parent.” notashroom
7. AITJ For Wanting To Take Our Portion Of The Family Vacation Fund To Avoid Drama?
“My husband (24) has multiple siblings between the ages of 8 and 27. The only one that matters here is the oldest brother (27) and his partner (24).
They have always seemed a little more concerned with themselves and getting what they want, but what has happened recently has been quite the surprise. My MIL and FIL are very genuine and caring people, to a fault. Also for context, I am 16 weeks pregnant and the only other person that is married into the family.
Two months ago FIL proposed an idea where we work together on a project and use the funds we make to pay for a family cruise. Everyone happily agreed to work.
When we started planning, BIL and his partner were trying their hardest to not go on a cruise.
I’m honestly not sure why, as their reasonings were inconsistent and don’t make any sense to me, my husband, or his parents.
So then, without being asked, BIL and SIL proposed 4 other ideas of places to go in an elaborate PowerPoint with highlights of activities in the areas.
The problem is that I couldn’t participate in 90% of the activities while pregnant. They included things like roller coasters, long hikes, and surfboarding. Not to mention the proposed plan to go skiing and ice skating which I could not participate in at all. BIL and SIL acknowledged I wouldn’t be able to do almost anything on the other trips in a text after sending the PowerPoint but did not care.
After all of that, my FIL said he still chose the cruise for many reasons (including that he knew my MIL would be guilted and made to babysit BIL and SIL’s 2 young kids while they went and had fun on their own).
More recently, BIL and SIL have said they point blank will not go on a cruise, even though they had been begrudgingly planning on it after their ideas were turned down.
They have also threatened my FIL to just take their portion of the money from our work and go on their own vacation. When FIL said they could go ahead and do that BIL backtracked and said he didn’t actually want to. But he also reiterated that he did not want to and was not going to go on a cruise.
So now, MIL and FIL are trying to bend over backward to accommodate BIL and SIL’s selfishness and are trying to plan a second vacation that FIL would fully fund. The second vacation would be at a resort with a lake because ‘SIL likes lakes’.
My husband and I would not be going since I’d be 32 weeks pregnant by then.
I’m incredibly frustrated by all of this. I am especially frustrated by BIL and SIL being so selfish and so entitled that they feel the need to bully my MIL and FIL into doing something they don’t really want to do.
My husband understands my frustration but is trying to be more impartial and help his parents work things out.
I really don’t think I am in the wrong here for feeling infuriated but all of my in-laws’ reactions are causing me to question myself. Would we be the jerks if my husband and I decided we were done with all of the drama and took our portion to go on our own vacation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but it sounds like the cruise is going forward, BIL and SIL are not coming, and the second vacation will exclude you and your husband anyway as it’s so close to your due date. So why can’t you ‘avoid the drama’ by going on the cruise (where the troublemakers won’t be) and happily staying home to welcome your new child while the troublemakers get their ‘lake’ vacation?
It seems to have sorted itself quite well, especially if your husband truly supports you. So your BIL and SIL are being jerks, but you don’t have to listen to them at all!” Tangerine_Bouquet
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You BIL and SIL don’t want to go on a cruise.
Okay – they don’t need a reason. They’re allowed to suggest other alternatives. You are allowed not to want to do those. So what we have is 6 people who want to do something together but can’t agree on what. You don’t have to! You can go on the cruise.
Let your BIL and SIL go skiing or whatever. Let your FIL and MIL come along to whichever they’d prefer.” squigs
Another User Comments:
“YTJ I’m going with this because you’d be denying your husband time with his family on the cruise. He wouldn’t go without you because he supports you.
Your BIL/SIL aren’t going anyway. There would be no need to not go. Side Advice. Stay out of the family drama. Don’t say one word about it. Don’t get involved. If your husband wants to talk about it, be his support system. Don’t feed any negativity into an already negative situation.
Let your husband deal with this, and you take care of your nuclear family. Bring positivity into the lives of your MIL/FIL, and be the light and joy they most likely need in their life.” lilolememe
6. AITJ For Not Recommending My Unemployed Brother For A Job At My Company?
“Basically my brother was a “failure to launch”.
He is 4 years older than me and was always bright at school, much smarter than I am. After high school, he attended further education and has a wealth of knowledge through these courses.
I was the black sheep of the family, choosing not to do further education.
I was always told I’d be nothing if I went that route, but it’s what I wanted – I didn’t know what I wanted to be.
I took a basic role in a company and spent the next 2 decades working my rear off, and now I’m in a highly valued role, getting paid lots and working from home almost entirely – which is good because it’s a long commute.
My brother on the other hand is.. doing nothing. In 20 years since high school, he’s had one job which lasted about a month. He doesn’t actively try looking for work, he just plays video games all day. He still lives at home. Meanwhile, I have a house, I’m married and have kids, I feel successful in my life.
This is where the jerk part comes in. On a phone call with my mother, we were discussing my wife. Now that both of our kids are in school, I suggested I could get my wife a job at the same company and she’d earn more money there.
She currently works part-time. We don’t need her to earn more money, but it’s always welcome if that’s what she chooses to do.
The conversation shifted when my mom asked what kind of work it would be. I mentioned it would be behind a desk, punching numbers in and liaising with customers.
That’s when mom says “oh, that sounds like something your brother could do, could you recommend him?” and I say “no”.
I explain further that I worked my rear off to get where I am, and I’m not recommending my brother because I know it will reflect badly on me.
I would recommend my wife because I know she has a good work ethic and it wouldn’t impact me. She thinks I’m a jerk for this stance.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even if you recommend someone they need to be able to do the job based on their own merits and work ethic.
Your brother needs to want to help himself but he’s not, and that’s not your problem to deal with. It sounds like your brother suffered from burnout, losing motivation (and as you say you were chastised for not going down an academic route and he probably felt pressure).” lemon_charlie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I almost got skewered at a company because a friend of mine name-dropped me when he applied. The manager in the department came to talk to me and just casually was like “Hey, I just interviewed your buddy” and I told them in person and then sent an email asking that I not be listed as a reference for them and that I would not provide a reference for them.
They got the message, hired him anyway, fired him three months later and I still got some blowback from it but had I not sent that email, it could have been much worse. I ain’t risking a job I like and pays me well for someone who I know will mess it up and you’re doing the right thing by not risking it for your brother.” Redlight0516
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m probably simple-minded, but who WOULDN’T want to make their own money? Like I don’t understand. That’s like almost every young adult’s dream, even if the job sucks sometimes. The fact that he only quit his job after a month, and then to not work 20 years after that?
What is he thinking?” Square-Body-9160
5. AITJ For Considering Lying About My Job To Avoid Overshadowing My Wife?
“It’s like the ol’ CrossFit joke: how do you know someone does CrossFit?
They’ll tell you.
How do you know someone’s an airline pilot? They’ll tell you. Well, that’s my job and in this industry, it’s a running joke that you can’t wait to tell people. The reason is that it’s unique and when you tell people they are instantly fascinated. They have 1000s of questions, related stories, and it’s an easy conversation to get going due to the intrigue.
It inflates one’s ego and makes them think they’re the coolest person in the room and while that’s not really true, it does completely hijack the conversation for at least the next 15 minutes if not the whole evening. I feel people are friendly and more likely to try to be friends with me because of my job.
I’ve been there, I’ll own up to it, but after many years, I’m done with it, especially since it’s caused some relationship problems.
My wife has a more generic vanilla job. She worked hard to get where she is and I’m proud of her.
Anytime we’re meeting new people, if we’re at a party, or even when I’ve met her own friends in the past, inevitably my job comes up. I try to end the subject quickly with quick one-word answers and ask about other people but then someone always keeps asking me the next “so have you had any emergencies?” “Where is the coolest place you’ve been?” My wife feels invisible and rightfully so.
Even with her own friends if I’m there it’s like none of them even ask her how she’s been lately. We’re about to move to a new city where neither of us knows anyone and we are excited to meet new people.
She hasn’t requested I do this, but I’m tempted to tell new people when meeting them something false. Maybe “yeah I work customer service for an airline”, or something close (and vanilla) but not really true. Eventually, as relationships grow I’m sure the truth will have to come out.
Is this a jerk move? Would you feel gypped if later in a friend relationship you find out the person you met is dishonest?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ if you give a generic answer like “I work for an airline” or “I work in the field of aviation”.
My husband is a physician and we tell people he simply works in healthcare. People rarely ask a follow-up until the relationship progresses at which point why lie? YTJ if you blatantly lie about your job title, keep developing that friendship, and then they find out you blatantly lied. Most people will just find it really weird and off-putting.” Ok_Regular_120
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I worked in defence for all of my career which wasn’t always popular. Similarly, going through immigration on business trips abroad mentioning that the trip was defense or military related always ended up with an extended interview in the back room having to show export permits, etc. I became adept at describing my job in bland and beige terms. Q: What do you do?
A: I’m an engineer. Q: What sort? A: Aerospace. Q: Doing what? A: Designing computer systems and such like. That the computers were guidance systems for rockets or weapon-aiming computers I kept to myself. I’m going with NTJ for cloaking what you do, but I do think you can come up with something without using outright lies.
It is possible to describe your job in uninteresting terms without actually lying (very important for me regarding US and Canadian immigration).” Diligent-Comfort-191
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Lying about life details to avoid derailing conversations is a tried and true tactic. I guarantee you, OP, you’ve met more people who work in intelligence, security, military contracts, or just people with “controversial” nationalities than you think.
In that vein, customer service might not be the best cover story. You might be better served posing as some vaguely defined corporate middle manager, which explains why you’re flying around so much. Try to keep your lies to those of omission rather than facts whenever possible.
Will people be a bit weird if they find out you lied about your job? Yeah sometimes probably. But frankly, I wouldn’t stress too much about the opinions of anyone who doesn’t accept “I’m tired of my job derailing conversations” as an explanation.” aledethanlast
4. AITJ For Confronting My Partner About His Kids' Unsafe Travel Arrangements?
“My (40f) partner (38m) and I have been friends for 10 years and together for 3. He’s divorced and has 50/50 custody of his two children, ages 6 and 9. His ex is taking his children down south for two weeks, and she will be driving 3 hours with other family members to catch their plane in another city.
Yesterday, my teen (17), the children, my partner, and I were all on a fun sleigh ride when his 9 yo mentioned being nervous about the trip. She has a lot of anxiety so my teen asked if the thought of flying was stressing them, but to our shock, she said that she was nervous because they didn’t have enough room in the vehicle and that she would be driving without a seatbelt, on someone’s lap.
My teen and I validated her feelings, saying “I would be nervous too, that’s really dangerous and illegal” (we also live in Canada – snow and ice-covered roads). My partner changed the topic, which showed me that he was aware and ok with this.
Also, the fact that he knew this and didn’t bring it up to me makes me feel like he knew it was wrong and thought I wouldn’t find out. He is a smart and loving father, but this is appalling to me…and this might be more about him being passive to any issues that come up with his ex.
My son and I returned to our house, completely dumbfounded that this was happening. I waited until my partner texted me, once he put his children to bed, and immediately replied “It’s concerning to me that you are ok with allowing your children to travel like that”.
His reply was that he couldn’t do anything about it, short of threatening his ex to call the police, and he would prefer not stressing his daughter about the situation. My response was “she should be stressed. This is a valid reason to be stressed and I hope she tells a teacher or someone about this so someone speaks up for her.”
I have never inserted my parenting feelings like this before. He did not reply last night and this morning just messaged that he fell asleep fast. I feel he’s probably avoiding this, but I can’t shake the feeling of the danger they are being put in.
I’m also concerned about how this may lead to both children feeling nonchalant about safe driving once they get older.
AITJ for speaking up, for telling the child that she should be worried? And do I just pretend it didn’t happen, like my partner seems to want?
The advocate in me wants to be blunt and harsh, but I haven’t said anything since last night.
His ex is taking the girls today to begin their journey.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But if your partner isn’t willing to fight for his children’s safety, then there are only limited things that you can do.
Maybe try talking to him again on this topic and assert how dangerous it is for the children and he shouldn’t take this lightly, give him the necessary push (not that you should be the one advocating for his children’s safety in the first place) and let the ex-wife know that she should think of other travel means that can accommodate all the passengers safely.” RaisinAnxious4486
Another User Comments:
“I would double down and actively prevent this event from taking place. I’d inform the police if I had to. The safety of this child would be the hill I’d happily die on if necessary. The child is afraid and rightfully so, but has to deal with an irresponsible mother, a coward of a father, but hopefully a stepmom who is no-nonsense enough to stop this from happening instead of wondering if she’s a jerk for doing what’s right.
NTJ… for now. But you need to act up.” blablablablaparrot
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If I were there as a total stranger I too would have expressed my concerns. What they are doing is illegal and incredibly unsafe. Your partner is neglecting his parental duties.
If it is true, I’d call the cops. It probably means shopping for a new partner but if this is how he values his children’s lives, maybe it’s not such a great loss. Even just slamming on the brakes could cause trouble.” Longjumping-Lab-1916
3. AITJ For Rescinding My Offer To Pay For A Friend's Birthday Dinner At A Non-Vegan Restaurant?
“My friend Luke is turning 40 and I offered to pay for him and a group of our friends to have dinner anywhere Luke wanted. Luke knows I’ve been vegan since my 20s and it’s never been an issue before.
When I asked where he made reservations he said a local BBQ place that is famous here for having a menu that mocks people who don’t eat meat, like literally has a section that says “Vegetarian options: don’t let the door hit you on your way out”.
I asked what he expected me to eat, and he got huffy and said well it’s his birthday so it shouldn’t matter, I should eat before getting there and just order drinks while everyone else eats dinner and still enjoy everyone’s company, etc.
This sounds miserable to me. I had zero expectations of Luke picking somewhere vegan-friendly, I expected him to pick a steak house and I would’ve been fine with a salad and some sides, I didn’t expect him to choose somewhere that prides themselves on meat being in every single dish on the menu.
I want to tell him never mind, and buy him a traditional birthday gift instead, but feel like a massive jerk for taking back my offer. I don’t know what to do to be honest.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I get that you offered and said he could pick anywhere he wanted. This is extremely generous of you.
So generous, in fact, that you should have at least been considered when picking the venue. Even on people’s birthdays, my friend group makes sure to pick restaurants that cater to everyone’s dietary restrictions and allergies. That’s what you do when you care about your friends.
The choice he made feels very intentional on his part, and not in a good way. Honestly, it seems he thought it would be funny to humiliate you. He’s using the fact that it’s his birthday to get away with it. Luke doesn’t sound like a great friend.
How you handle this is up to you. I personally would tell him that choosing the one restaurant that intentionally excludes people like you is very telling and you will not be participating.” HeadOfHarlots
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. “Taking the joke too far” is what your supposed friend is doing.
You’re bending over backward to be nice and he is bending you further and being a complete jerk about it. Are you sure this person is a friend? Is this person a friend worth keeping? I would take a good look at this supposed friendship and consider finding some better ones, ones that will have appreciation and consideration for you.” howardcoombs
Another User Comments:
“Clear NTJ. Lot of people saying that “Gifts don’t have strings attached” to which I would say they sure can, you made that up. Plenty of gifts have implicit or explicit conditions. Further, you didn’t offer to just give him a few hundred bucks for dinner, you offered to buy dinner for a group, of which you are a member.
So if you can’t participate in the dinner then it isn’t a dinner for the group and does not meet the qualifications of your offer.” Old-Smokey-42069
2. AITJ For Not Fulfilling Traditional MOH Duties Despite Clearing My Limitations With The Bride?
“2 months ago I was MOH at my friend’s (“B”) wedding. I was touched to be asked but hesitant to accept because I was/am not in the right place where I felt I could contribute to the typical MOH responsibilities.
I was honest about this from day 1 and made it clear I would step down w/ no hard feelings if B wanted to ask someone else. She told me that it was okay & it would be a small, non-traditional wedding anyway. All she wanted was for me to stand next to her on her big day, so I accepted & did exactly that.
During the reception, I was making conversation w/ the groom’s friends & heard all about the extravagant bachelor party they’d thrown for him. The best man’s partner asked me what I’d done for the bride & I had to admit I hadn’t organized any celebration for her.
The atmosphere in that group felt awkward after that & I could tell the partner was judging me. In another conversation, one of B’s aunts mentioned how beautiful B’s dress was & asked me where “we” found it. I told her I wasn’t the one who took her dress shopping & the aunt looked surprised & said “But aren’t you the MOH?”
A couple weeks later when B & her husband (“H”) came by to deliver a thank-you card for my gift, I felt that H was being a bit standoffish. The next time I saw him (at the grocery store – B wasn’t with him) he kind of blew me off when I said hi & I knew then that something was wrong.
So I called B & asked if there was something going on with H. She played dumb at first but long story short I got her to admit he was upset w/ me for not putting more “effort” into the wedding stuff. Turns out his friends & B’s parents agree with him and think I should have been more involved. I asked B what she thought & she said that while she wasn’t mad at me, she could “see where they were coming from.” When I reminded her how she told me herself all she wanted me to do was stand next to her during the ceremony, she replied along the lines of “Well, I thought you’d be up to doing more the closer we got to the wedding!”
I apologized for disappointing her & left the conversation at that. We haven’t spoken since & I’m worried there’s now a rift between us. I don’t want to make it worse by getting defensive but I’m feeling kind of resentful.
Looking back on the months leading up to the wedding it felt like B set me up to fail by telling me I wasn’t expected to be involved with things I apparently was. Was I supposed to be a mind reader? I made it clear what I was able to contribute & believed B when she told me it was enough.
I bounced all this off my mom and sister today to get their opinions. My sister thinks it was on B to communicate with me if she wanted more from her MOH, but my mom thinks I should’ve declined being MOH if I couldn’t handle the “basic” duties.
Now I feel like maybe I was a bad MOH/friend but I’m still frustrated that B didn’t tell me what she wanted before it was too late. Am I in the wrong here?”
Another User Comments:
“So, these days, to be in a wedding party, VERY clearly there are a LOT of expectations placed on these roles.
And from that perspective, I can see why the bride might have thought you’d do SOMETHING. But…. I actually read her initial response to you and thought “how refreshing” – a bride who isn’t caught up in all the “rules” and just wants her good friend to be next to her.
Because honestly, in the end, THAT’S what your wedding party should be about – surrounding yourself with people you love and want them there. It shouldn’t be about who can fulfill “duties”. But obviously, she wasn’t quite so relaxed about it after all, and she needs to own some of that.
If she actually did want more from you, she should have spoken up. You were honest with her. And did she have other bridesmaids? They could also have stepped up to organize stuff. Yes, usually the MOH spearheads stuff – but the other COULD step up if they wanted. Even if the bride had hoped you do more – I think it’s REALLY crappy that she’s not doing more to defend you.
She should be telling her husband and family that she told you it was fine to just be there the day of.” Goalie_LAX_21093
Another User Comments:
“I’m on the spectrum, so when someone tells me something, I believe them. If they actually meant something else, they should have said what they actually meant.
You said what you meant. You were honest with her about what you were able to do. She told you that was fine and she just wanted you there on the day. You believed her. If she actually wanted something else from you, it’s on her to use her words and tell you that.
Out loud. It’s incredibly unfair of her to expect you to read her mind, or adhere to some unwritten MOH code or whatever that apparently overrides the Bride’s actual out loud words? I’m really sorry your friend is being so unfair to you.
You did exactly what she asked and what you agreed to. She really doesn’t get to be disappointed in you for keeping your word. NTJ at all.” Kathrynlena
Another User Comments:
“The ‘basic’ duties of MOH have expanded with social media it seems. You were upfront about your limitations – and she wanted you anyway.
It’s done – she’s married – let it go. If she wanted you to do a specific number of things it was up to her as the bride to tell you what her expectations were. She’s complaining and others are telling her she’s right.. but it’s all hindsight.
Neither of you is ‘wrong’ – just had different expectations and not enough communication.” omeomi24
1. AITJ For Not Giving My Pregnant Friend My Daughter's Unsafe Car Seat?
“I (26F) have a one-year-old daughter. She is still using her infant car seat. However, we were hit about a month ago and while we weren’t hurt, I no longer felt like her car seat was safe so I replaced it. My pregnant friend “Anne” (24F) asked if she could have the car seat since I was “just throwing it out anyway”.
I explained that car seats are made to withstand ONE accident, and I didn’t think it was safe for my daughter or hers. She is a known dumpster diver, so I wrote on the car seat in permanent marker that it was in a car accident and I took out the straps when I threw it away so it wasn’t usable and kept them to throw away later.
Anne went through my trash and called me selfish for “wasting a perfectly good car seat” and said I haven’t been helpful to her at all. I organized her baby shower, gave her a lot of my daughter’s old clothes except for sentimental outfits because she asked, commissioned baby blankets and two outfits from a friend of mine whose work she likes, helped her around the house, etc. I’ve tried my best. I don’t feel like not wanting to risk her daughter getting hurt makes me a jerk, but does it?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am a former licensed Child Passenger Safety Technician (working with NHTSA). You were absolutely correct in what you told your friend. Car seats are made to withstand one accident, after which they need to be replaced due to potential damage, including hairline fractures and damage that is not immediately visible.
Even if they look and seem fine, an accident means they’ve been out through stress and so are not 100% anymore, which means they are less safe for the baby. I hope your friend does come around and listen to you, since you only have her and her baby’s wellbeing in mind.
Car seats may be expensive, yes, but there is no price worth a baby’s life and safety.” Kittenheimer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did the right thing making sure that it couldn’t be re-used. It’s sad you have to protect her baby from herself.
I’d tell her that since you haven’t been of any help at all, you won’t be helping anymore. Stop any planning, cleaning, etc that you’re doing. Tell her you expect all the items you gave her back, and hand her an itemized list. And then, walk away from the friendship.” Special_Respond7372
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re right in that after a car seat is in an accident it has to be fully replaced and the old one is no longer allowed to be used. If it is used and there’s an accident and anything happens to the child inside the insurance companies will refuse to pay out and the parent may get into trouble for child endangerment.
Some car seat companies even have it written into their warranty that you can’t even gift the car seat to others, that the warranty will only cover the original purchaser in order to go one step further. There are perfectly good car seats that are also inexpensive on the market – I sold them for years.
It’s better to buy a higher-end one, obviously, because it has more safety features and you get more use out of them but the less expensive options are perfectly good too.
You did the right thing in doing your best to make your old car seat unusable, most car seat companies suggest you do that to prevent this exact thing.
The only thing I would’ve suggested doing differently would have been to take a knife to the seat padding too so she can’t jerry-rig something together. It honestly sounds to me like your friend doesn’t think of you as a friend and more as unpaid help?
If she’s speaking to you like that. Doesn’t matter that she’s pregnant – you don’t talk to your friends that way after they’ve done so much for you. If she thinks you haven’t been helpful to her at all you should stop helping her at all and let her see what that really looks like.” Leaves-Lord
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