People Are Attached To Their Roles In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
20. AITJ For Refusing To Continue Providing Discounted Daycare For My Brother's Son?
“I (33f, recently divorced mom) operate an in-home daycare with my sister.
For the last few weeks, we have been caring for our 10-month-old nephew, our brother’s son, with the expectation that my brother will eventually start paying us, including back pay. We have cared for my nephew 14 days so far, about 4-7 hours per day.
My brother wants me to charge only $25 per day, whereas we usually charge $60 per day. When I made a case that $30 per day is reasonable, he responded:
>1- I am not a client, I am your brother and he is your nephew first off.
When you and [ex-husband] were considering selling your home I was going to do 1% commission instead of 3% because you’re family, which roughly would have been about an $8,500 pay cut. [This was never discussed.]
>2- I did pay hundreds for a daycare, and I have no problem doing it again.
The difference is a daycare I know 100% I can always take my son there, with him going to y’all, we have to figure out a solution using leave hours anytime the house is down with sickness or y’all go on vacation.
>3- I am compensating based on the amount of work you have to do for the 3-4 hours he is there, actually hourly it’s more than compensating.
It is not my fault you chose a route where you don’t make a lot of money, but that darn sure doesn’t make it my responsibility to make up for it.
>4- I think your mindset is a little twisted. You have the opportunity to see and build a relationship with your nephew and get paid for it separately where we don’t count toward your attendance.
That is either $400-$450 a month for seeing your nephew or if you want to be petty it can easily be $0.
>5- y’all are the ones who said over and over again you wanted to see [nephew] more often and wished he would go there.
I am not by any means strapped for money where I can’t easily put him back in daycare full time… but y’all wanted to watch him and I knew it would bring some extra money your way at the same time so should be a win/win.
Where you have it messed up is you think I need to take him there and you want to talk like he’s just another kid or I’m just another client. I’m not the one to be getting in a back-and-forth with. If you want the money every month to see your nephew then you need to check yourself, or I’ll keep him the rest of this week and he will start somewhere else next week, I’m not here to play “you’re hurting my feelings games”.
>Let me know, but this isn’t a back-and-forth. I thought it was a good way for him to spend time with his family and to put some money in your pocket, if it’s a problem already, just say so and I’ll gladly make other arrangements.
After that, I responded that I thought his message was entitled and disrespectful, and I think we shouldn’t continue a business relationship. My brother says I’m “entitled,” my mindset is “twisted,” and I should “say less.” AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You are doing him a favor, not the other way around.
I love that he’s tried to flip that on you. Here I’ll do you a favor look after my child instead of a kid who pays the full amount and relishes the time he’s ever so graciously allowing you with your nephew.
Well, bugger that. You did the right thing. If he has so much money then he can pay the full amount for daycare. I don’t know why he fails to realize whether it’s in your home or not. You are running a daycare.
He made his bed. Now he can lie in it.” northern tropical
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you’re offering a 50% discount. I get that in-home may be more reliable, but it’s messed up to act like you’re flush with the funds but only willing to pay strangers the wage they ask.
If he just paid you what you asked he would still come out on top. His son is taking up a spot that could be filled by someone paying the full amount. He’s using his nephew’s relationship as a weapon and that’s pretty abusive.
He needs to grow up.” ModernZombies
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell him to go back to paying for “expensive daycare” tomorrow! 1) Brother is unhappy with a 50% discount. 2) Brother fails to see that his child will be taken care of by family, not strangers. 3) Brother acts like he’s doing you a favor by dropping off his kid and paying you anything.
Tomorrow, that’s the day he needs to go pay strangers a ton of money to watch his kid.” LouisV25
19. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Stop Assigning Me Chores At Inconvenient Times?
“My (33F) partner (33M) and I have been together for over a decade and married for 4 of those years.
We started seeing a couples therapist mainly due to my own, solo, therapy journey due to my CPTSD.
I was starting to notice some things that hadn’t stuck out to me when we were seeing each other but were still prevalent issues in our marriage.
Due to my trauma history, I have spent most of my life being told I was in the wrong for lots of things, many of which were completely out of my control or were silly to blame a literal child for.
Naturally, it’s hard to determine when you’re genuinely wrong and when you’re not due to a lifetime of being constantly blamed and this is what I’m doing by going to therapy. I have a hard time trusting that initial judgment and telling myself to give most people a chance.
I should also mention I was only diagnosed with ADHD a year ago and I’m not currently on any medication for it due to other health issues.
The issue at hand: my partner has a long history of criticizing me for not cleaning the house the way they’d like me to.
This has resulted in instances of them getting on their hands and knees to check my “work” after saying yes, I did vacuum the bedroom today. I kept assuming I was just not very good at cleaning and kept trying to do better. After many years of this behavior, we are working towards a resolution in couples but it’s been…slow going.
I came home today with a full bag of groceries and the dishwasher had just been run before I left the house (I even added extra, dirty dishes). I also had a full mental list of small chores I was going to attend to after I unpacked the bag.
Not even ten minutes after I get home, my partner is already telling me a chore to do. We had just had a discussion earlier in the week about this kind of tone and situation because he had come home from work the other day and rattled off a list of chores for me to do…at 10 pm without even turning on any room lights where he would see I already attended to those very chores.
He then tells me I am unreasonable and he is allowed to ask me to do things and he doesn’t have to wait until I’m done with my present task to add another one to my list and he doesn’t need to wait and see what other chores I’m going to do that day.
If we’re both in the kitchen, it’s on his mind and he’s justified in saying something.
The biggest thing I have been asking him for is to not ask me to do something while I’m in the middle of doing something else, or right before bed, and he got mad and said I have too many rules he needs to live by.
I know this turned into a mini vent but I’m frustrated!
AITJ in asking him to not always throw chores at me just because he thinks it’s a good time, even if it’s not?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your husband ordering you around like a maid is incredibly disrespectful.
The whole “getting on his knees and inspecting the floor to see if you cleaned to his standard” thing sounds wackadoodle. Super controlling and honestly I have to wonder about OCD or some other sort of disorder and/or undiagnosed neurodivergence. Bottom line you do not deserve to be treated this way, and now that you’re healing through therapy you’re starting to realize it.” Locke357
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I worry about your relationship dynamic. I hope he also does his share of chores around the house and it’s not all on your shoulders… Maybe you can get an app where you both can list tasks you think are important.
Kind of a shared to-do list so that he can just write things down there instead of throwing them at you when you’re in the middle of something?” Clarity_for_Mind
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I think there are 2 things to consider: Who decides what the chores are and how frequently/what standard they are done to?
Who does them? In my relationship, my partner does a lot more of the chores than I do BUT he also is very particular about how certain things are done (so he does these things himself). If your partner has all the control but you do all the work, then that makes you a skivvy.
Next time he criticizes, hand him the vacuum and suggest he does it himself!” loderingo49
18. AITJ For Telling My Best Friend She Always Makes Everything About Her?
“My (30f) best friend (29f) and I have been friends for over 10 years. We have two other really close friends and for the most part, things have been good but lately, I’ve noticed that whenever something is happening in my life or the lives of our other friends, something “bigger” happens to her and our things get pushed aside.
For example:
– when my long-term partner and I broke up because he was unfaithful, she and her fiancé got into a huge fight and she needed all our friends as support
– I started seeing my current partner, and she and the fiancé broke up so I felt awkward talking about my new happy relationship
– I’ve struggled with fertility for many years and I’d just found out I was pregnant. She had been hooking up with someone and got pregnant but didn’t want it so instead of being able to talk about my pregnancy, she just wanted to talk about how awful and sick she felt going through her procedure
– not long after that I miscarried but I couldn’t feel sad about it because she had lost her job
– After 4 rounds of IVF I got pregnant again and of course something else happened, she broke up with her new partner and was inconsolable.
Similar things have happened with our other friends, one came to us for advice on a fight she was having with her partner and while the rest of us tried to offer her advice, my best friend just changed the topic to what she was thinking about doing for her birthday later that month or when our other friend was kicked out of home by her dad and stepmother and had to move in with me, my best friend turned it around saying when SHE was kicked out of the home she was homeless and had nowhere to go.
It all came to a head last weekend when one of our other friends got into a car accident, she was okay except for a couple of bumps and bruises, and while we were visiting her my best friend made a point to remind us all then when she was in a car accident like 15 years ago she was so much worse off because she had broken bones.
I snapped and basically told her that it’s not a competition, not everything in life needs to be about her, she isn’t the center of the universe and she should learn to have empathy and be more considerate of the rest of us.
She called me a bunch of choice words, said if I was really her friend I’d care more about her, and left crying. She messaged our group chat last night saying if we felt that way about her then she might as well just make it easy for all of us and just disappear amongst other things.
Which in turn ended up with us having the police do a welfare check.
One of my friends and my partner are 100% behind me but my other friend thinks I could have handled it a bit more delicately.”
Another User Comments:
“She does sound rather self-centered. If you’ve been thinking about these things but trying not to voice them, I could absolutely understand how you snapped and let something out.
Could you have handled it slightly better? Perhaps, but if she is always making things about her then it sounds like you were right to say something. Especially since she reacted so dramatically, she’s still seeking attention! I think NTJ but friend might need therapy.” HorseygirlWH
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You let it go on so long that you finally snapped. Yes, you could’ve handled it better & probably nipped it in the bud respectfully long beforehand.. but with the circumstances of what was going on at the moment… you just weren’t having it.
She’s now trying to make herself the center of attention again .. just let her breathe.” DarkAngel_DA
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think that you’re right and that the friend shouldn’t always make it into like a competition. Sure, could you have gone a bit more delicate way and gently discussed it with your friend?
Yeah, probably. But, you were upset, which makes sense, as I would also be, and I would also most likely snap and say that as well. In my opinion, you’re in the right here and NTJ. Cheers!” Sad4Lifeee
17. AITJ For Wanting to Back Out of Cousin's Wedding Due to Family Drama?
” My cousin is getting married this Saturday and asked me if I can be part of my bridal entrance… I am thinking of backing out and using my period as an excuse.
Cindy (29/F) has a Hindu wedding this Saturday. We are not particularly close and never were growing up: my grandparents (paternal) played favorites and treated my parents, my sibling, and me the worst. Evidenced by things we heard in the family, stealing our inheritance from our great-grandparents, how they treated us, etc. My mom had enough and moved us abroad and life has been GREAT for all of us since we took a step away from Dad’s side.
My grandma tried to connect us all again – we were uninterested.
Years passed, and I connected with Cindy in 2015. We are cordial, however we don’t have a bond or common interest. Another cousin, Rudy, tells me that Cindy and her sister Annie, talk TERRIBLY about random people and family on social media (keep this in mind for later).
Rudy and I that that is rather weird and rude.
In 2023, Cindy is engaged and announces her wedding. For whatever reason, my grandma kept giving me the wrong dates multiple times and when I asked Cindy, she mentioned that invites would come soon and just wait.
I asked her for at least a save the date since I started a new job and would like to plan properly and I live abroad.
The wedding was in April and the invite was sent in February, received LATE February. The airfares were expensive and I mentioned to my grandma (WITHOUT THE INTENTION OF ASKING FOR $) that I was going to have to politely decline as it’s both out of my budget and too close for me to ask for time off (4-day wedding).
Grandma sends me $ for the airfare KNOWING I would only be there for Saturday and Sunday, saying it would be “disappointing if you don’t show up at least to represent your side”. And because Cindy and I were friendly, I wanted to make a good-faith effort.
Even if I wasn’t attending, I planned to give her $$ as a gift. Cindy asks me to be part of her bridal entry – I think foolishly, “Wow, this is nice. I’m glad we’re good!”
My mother, who happened to be visiting her family, heard from a relative who also distanced themselves from my grandparents and Cindy’s family – that Cindy and her mom speak EXTREMELY poorly of me and my mother and.
Her mother and Cindy both doubt my career as a physician (I can provide proof btw) and say “Look at her social media what doctor acts like that” (referring to me dressing up and traveling with my partner who is a successful attorney and me being pro-choice/a LBGTQ+ ally/pro therapy to name a few).
Hearing this hurt me deeply as I believed Cindy was sincere and I am considering withdrawing my agreement to be part of her bridal entry using the excuse my period is expected this Saturday (the day of the wedding and the actual truth too).
WIBTJ for backing out?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your grandma gave you money for airfare (I’m assuming your flight’s booked), and you agreed to be part of the entrance, and the wedding this week. You have to go. Good advice I once received: Conversations that don’t include you weren’t meant for you.
You have every right to be upset about rumors you overheard. But realistically, why do you care about gossip? If you’re so secure with how successful you and your partner are, why do you care about other people’s opinions? Quite frankly, you’re an adult. You can suck it up for *one* weekend, then you don’t have to talk to them again.
This day is about your cousin, and you’re letting your emotions *make it all about you*. Can you imagine if you were in her shoes and it was your wedding, and someone who’s part of the entrance decided to pull out 6 days prior?” Throwaway00000473729
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I guess but surely it would be easier for you to say something to the effect of “Cindy, I will not be attending the wedding at any point over the weekend. It’s come to my attention that you have spoken poorly about my mother and me and I do not feel it would be appropriate to be part of your bridal entry or wedding as a result.
I don’t wish to discuss this matter further, have a happy life.” I feel like it would be much simpler for you to tell the truth in this situation so that there’s no back and forth for either of you.” Mundane_Air_7510
16. AITJ For Considering Backing Out Of Helping My Sister Pay For Her Overpriced Car?
“My sister (18 f) is starting college this fall. She doesn’t have a car but will need one because she’ll be commuting to school while living at home.
At the beginning of the year, I (27 m) told her that I’d help her pay for a car as a graduation gift, and I’d pay for the first 5k of her monthly payments. She has an almost full-ride scholarship and is living at home, so this will probably be her only recurring bill outside of school fees and supplies.
I did this so that when she started working, she could build as much of a savings net as possible if something came up.
My parents, my sister, and I originally agreed on a max of 25k-30k. This car isn’t meant to last her a decade.
She’s never owned a car before; this is her “baby’s first car.” It’s supposed to be an affordable used car for a college kid to get around in. It should last her for college, and then she can figure out what to do from there.
Well, I was lied to because she and my parents went out and bought a brand-new Jeep yesterday. I’m livid my parents co-signed for her to get this. Not only did they buy a 65k brand-new car, but they financed(!) a 10k down payment at an even higher APR for some reason!
For some insight, my parents cannot afford this car themselves, and they can’t even afford the new payments on the loan they got for the 10k. There’s a reason I’m the one helping out with the payments on this, not them. My sister does not even have a job yet, which was supposed to be step 1 before we even got her the car.
I’m livid. The 5k I had set aside for her won’t even last the summer if we put it towards the car and loan payments. The whole reason I did this is now basically moot because she’ll have to cover the payments while she’s in school.
My parents have good credit somehow but have 0 funds at the end of each month, so I’m pretty sure once my 5k runs dry, the car will be repoed for nonpayment in the next year or so. What boils my blood even more is they know I’m livid but don’t care.
Mom went on a whole hour about how sisters “eyes lit up at the sight of the car” and “you would not have said no either if you were there.” We had talked about this for months. My sister and parents both know 100% that she will not be able to afford this car, but they don’t care now.
I’m considering backing out. I’ll tell them to return the car, and we return to the original plan, or else I’ll just invest the 5k in a 5-year bond for my sister. I want some opinions on this plan.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but your parents are and are acting like children themselves.
“For some insight, my parents cannot afford this car themselves, and they can’t even afford the new payments on the loan they got for the 10k. There’s a reason I’m the one helping out with the payments on this, not them. My sister does not even have a job yet, which was supposed to be step 1 before we even got her the car.” They are setting your sister up to fail.
The Jeep goes back and a cheaper, second-hand car comes back home, or they are on their own.” Comfortable-Sea-2454
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They all need to learn a lesson the hard way. It seems as though everybody just assumed you would “pitch in” and help out once she starts drowning in debt.
They will guilt you too. Tell them to take the Jeep back or figure it out themselves. I would expect this type of decision from an 18-year-old, but not parents, especially when they can’t make the payment themselves. If you let this ride, you will wind up paying for the Jeep out of guilt.
When the day comes that nobody can pay for it, and it will, then they will start to guilt trip you. This was an incredibly bad thing to do to you. Did any of the three think about how to pay for maintenance for the Jeep, insurance?” True-Mousse4957
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I’m not sure how they can back out of the purchase. Car companies do their best to not make it possible to back out of a deal. You need to find out if the deal is already done. If it’s possible to get out of the deal, I think it’s a great idea.
A jeep!?? Not even a car with a known excellent track record in terms of repairs, etc. And how much is the monthly/yearly insurance on this Jeep? I like the bond idea.” Robbes_Watch
15. AITJ For Refusing To Distract My Wife's Friend's New Partner?
“We have a friend, Bertha, who has been divorced for a few years now. She’s more my wife’s friend than mine.
She and her son would come over every other weekend to play with my kids (my wife and she were pregnant at the same time with our first child). She was pretty lonely and it was a nice distraction for her. My wife and her would hang out and I would play with the kids and be expected to cook for everyone.
She never invited us all over to hers but would occasionally invite my wife and oldest, excluding me and our youngest because her son was an only child and wanted “alone time” with his best friend. I would spend the day with my youngest. I was a bit annoyed about the imbalance, but it wasn’t a big deal and my wife seemed happy.
A few months ago, Bertha got a new partner, Steve. He’s nice enough, polite, and really seems to be keen on her. I’ve tried to engage him in conversation or in some activity but he only wants to sit with his new partner, Bertha.
The last couple of times they’ve been over we’ve sat in the garden and they’ve spent most of the time touching each other up. The last time, after sitting with them for a while, I left my wife with them and played with the kids.
My wife has been very upset with me and said I should help her out and distract Steve more. I told her that I tried and he’s only interested in Bertha. She insisted that next time I try harder because she misses talking to her friend.
I said that it wasn’t my job to be a dancing monkey. I said that I’ve cooked for them and babysat for them for years with no reciprocation and that I wasn’t interested in babysitting her partner as well, especially when he’s not interested. I said that if Bertha wanted to spend time alone with her, then she wouldn’t bring Steve everywhere they go and it’s not my responsibility for me to stop him touching her all the time.
If she doesn’t like it she should bring it up. If Bertha doesn’t like it then she would stop it, but she has not.
Somehow this has turned into something that is my problem and my fault. Honestly, I wouldn’t care if Bertha didn’t visit for a few weeks.
I think she and Steve are excited about their new relationship and will probably calm down in a month or two. My wife thinks I should ‘try harder’ with Steve, but he’s like Michael Scott in The Office when he was seeing Holly. I told her to wait a while but she somehow thinks I can solve this.
I don’t see how I can. I don’t even think there is a problem to solve but my wife thinks I’m being a jerk for not trying anymore. I’ve already tried and I’m not going to force something with someone who is uninterested and is a bit obsessed with his new partner.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You shouldn’t have to play wingman in your own home so that you’re wife can talk to her friend. Just keep excusing yourself from the situation. Your wife needs to put on her big girl pants and have a heart-to-heart with Bertha.” KronkLaSworda
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but seems to me someone needs to grow up. Do grown-up things without the kids and see if he will interact as an adult and not a teenager. Get a sitter for all the kids and go out and have a nice dinner so you all can talk.
If that doesn’t work then they will stop coming over cause there is nothing to talk about and your wife can continue to go visit randomly without you. The friendship with either will continue on organically or it will fizzle out, that happens with new relationships.” MrsNobodyspecial67
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There are few things I hate more than when a partner has their friend and that friend’s partner around and I’m supposed to have a little playdate. You didn’t agree to have anything to do with this guy, and he doesn’t seem to want anything to do with you.
Have your wife ask him how he feels about the arrangement.” User
14. AITJ For Not Picking Up A Stray Planter That Blew Into My Neighbor's Yard?
“I have a small container garden, mostly herbs, some tomatoes that do well in containers, and echinacea. Since native pollinators and other beneficial insects live or lay eggs in dead stuff for the winter, I don’t clean up last year’s garden until I’m ready to plant the current year’s garden.
I do what I have to revive perennials early in the season, but last year’s dead annuals stay put until I’m planting. As it’s not quite time yet, all my annual seedlings are still inside. All that is to illustrate that I never have empty pots left sitting outside.
The ugly dead stuff gets stacked up and pulled in towards my door, but it would have to be hurricane-force winds for any of it to blow away since we’re talking about large planters full of dirt.
It has been windy here, as is common in the springtime, and some trash has blown around.
A little over a week ago, I noticed an empty pot – not mine – sitting in my neighbor’s yard. Their dogs were playing with it, and I figured it was either theirs, or it had blown in and they were letting the dogs have some fun with it until trash day.
I was wrong. Turns out, since I’m the one who has a garden, they assumed it was mine and were stewing about it and the fact that I didn’t go over there to pick it up all week. Nobody said a word to me.
Then, yesterday, I was leaving and saw the empty pot had been stuck on top of one of my pots with perennial echinacea in it, crushing some of the new leaves that were coming up.
It’s a hardy plant and will recover, but that was still a rude thing to do, especially when I have stacks of planters full of dead things they could have put it on. My landlords happened to be outside too, and they told me that the neighbor was really upset I didn’t go pick up my garbage that blew into their yard.
They continued that even if it wasn’t mine, it had the appearance of being mine since I was the one with a patio full of planters. Never mind that all my planters match and this one didn’t. Never mind that all my planters have enough weight to not blow away at all times and this was empty.
The argument is that I should have taken responsibility for the trash planter because I also happened to engage in that hobby.
For what it’s worth, the planter was cracked and unusable.
So, what do you think? Due to my hobby, should I have grabbed this planter from their yard to avoid the appearance of my stuff having blown over there in the wind, even though that is not the case, to prevent a conflict?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Write a note to your neighbors explaining it wasn’t your pot. All your pots match, and this doesn’t match your collection. Ask them to please communicate with you in the future if they have this happen again. I would also tell them that you don’t think they meant to bring harm to one of your plants, but they did smash the new growth of a plant you treasure.
They need to know their assumptions were wrong, and that you would rather communicate in the future. Your landlords were aware, so they should have told your neighbors to talk to you about it. You do not have to pick up other people’s trash or their yards.” lilolememe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…what the what? It was windy. That pot could have blown in from anywhere. Are we so lazy that they cannot even throw away trash from their yard? Nope. Not your responsibility.” Worth-Season3645
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It wasn’t your trash.
It actually shouldn’t matter what the neighbor’s perception was, it wasn’t your trash. If the landlord ever brings it up again, point out that all your planters match so you knew at a glance it wasn’t yours, you had no way of knowing it wasn’t the neighbors, and you certainly aren’t going to trespass to ‘steal’ something out of the neighbor’s yard that you know isn’t yours.” TossingPasta
13. AITJ For Rejecting My Biological Father's Attempt To Compete With My Stepdad?
“My (23/F) parents (52/F and 58/M) divorced back when I was 5 months old. At the time of marrying him my mom didn’t know that he had 4 more kids from 3 different women that he never saw or provided for.
They quickly got a divorce after my mom found out he was being unfaithful to her and so I entered his long list of children that he never cared for (At the time of this post there are 6 of us).
When I was four, my mom started a relationship with the man I consider my father (47/M).
Their relationship lasted about three years but they remained good friends and he continued to be a steady father figure in my life. He’s now married and my mom was his wife’s maid of honor and the godmother to both of their children, so it’s safe to say we’re all a big happy family.
Two years ago, my biological dad reached out to me. I had only seen him a handful of times prior to that and he never seemed interested in forming any type of relationship. I’m not angry at him for leaving, I had a great childhood and two amazing parents by my side that I wouldn’t change for the world, so I wasn’t opposed to the idea of meeting him.
In that first meeting, he confessed that he was diagnosed with a heart condition and that helped him put things into perspective and realize that his kids are what matters in this world. I had to stop myself from laughing at this point because all his “kids” were in their 20s, and out of the 6 of us, only I agreed to meet him.
Anyway, he has been making an effort and calls me every once in a while to catch up which has been fine.
Onto the problem. My bio dad hates my dad. He never met him, but hates the idea of him and tries to compete with him in the most childish of ways, like getting me a new sofa I didn’t ask for after he found out that my dad had built me a table for my new apartment (it’s his hobby).
Usually, it’s funny and a bit annoying, but it escalated two days ago when he booked a holiday for the two of us on the exact dates that I’m supposed to travel with my dad to France. That’s where my dad is from and every year he takes us all to his parents’ house for a couple of weeks.
It’s a tradition going back to when I was a child and obviously, I wasn’t going to give that up to go on an awkward holiday with a semi-stranger.
I immediately refused but he began sobbing, saying that I put “that man” over my blood and how I should be embarrassed for not recognizing how much he was trying to be a part of my life.
I was speechless and left without saying anything. At first, I felt angry at him for putting me in this situation but my partner says I’m the jerk here because he’s my dad and I should try to make an effort too. I don’t know though, I’m still so angry and upset.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are making an effort just by talking to him. He set up this vacation deliberately as a transparent power play, it’s not even about you. You should call him out and talk to him a lot less. Also, this is a big red flag about your partner.
You should take a long hard look at your relationship for any other red flags since you clearly tend to be very forgiving.” NapalmAxolotl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…your partner is wrong. Having the same blood does not make one a dad. Your bio dad cannot just expect to come into your life now and be what your “father” has been or have the same place in your life as him.
You are an adult as well and bio dad cannot just expect you to go somewhere without asking first. I would say this to your bio dad and that he has a choice. Stop trying to compete, stop trying to take a place that you will never succeed at, I just want to take my time in getting to know you, or keep pushing and you will not be in my life at all.” Worth-Season3645
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I don’t understand people like your partner sometimes. Even if he had the perfect family, he’s at least in his 20s and should know by now that not all families are perfect and some are in fact very abusive. He should be able to see that bio dad is manipulative and is actively trying to sabotage your healthy, loving relationships.
But you should put up with it because you’re related? Hard no. I’d have a gentle conversation with your partner about how his attitude is actually very dangerous. Hopefully, he’ll get it.” stophittingthyself
12. AITJ For Being Less Talkative and More Observant in Conversations With My Partner?
“I (F18) have always been a quiet and observant person. While I wouldn’t say I’m an introvert, I definitely let conversations flow naturally and oftentimes let other people start conversations before beginning to bounce topics back and forth.
My partner (M19) cannot accept that this is how I live life. He thinks I’m just silent to only him and super talkative around my friends. While it is true that I seem loud and outgoing around them, all of my friends and I will have periods of comfortable silence because my friends are very similar in the ideology that I have where conversations should just happen.
My partner pretty much never shuts up. Not that I don’t mind when he talks but there are almost no breaks when he speaks for me to jump in and say anything, and when I do try to speak I often don’t finish my thoughts.
This is due to the fact he’ll either interrupt me, tell me I’m interrupting him, or he’ll become focused on an OCD trigger.
I’ve explained to him before that when he just asks me to start talking I can’t do that because my mind blanks completely, and there are a lot of things I’ve tried to tell him such as stories from my past that he told me he doesn’t want to hear because they involve my male friends.
He called me about 10 minutes ago asking if we could just chat and I agreed, and he did the thing where he just asked me to speak. He then asked if we were actually going to talk or if he was going to talk and I was just “going to sit there like a traffic cone.” I said I didn’t know what to talk about, and he began to get annoyed at me saying that I never do know.
He brought up the fact that when he called me while I was with my best friend he could barely have a conversation with me because she and I were joking and laughing too much. I explained again that prior to that call we had sat in silence for about an hour before one of us came up with a topic and we riffed from that.
I find almost everyone in my life does this, where you riff off of what the other participants in the conversation say, but my partner cannot understand that this is how you have a conversation, and sometimes silence is okay. He’ll even occasionally get upset if we’re watching YouTube together and I’m not trying to say anything about the video and instead just watching it, because he’ll pause the video every like 10 seconds to comment.
Once again this doesn’t bother me, but it just isn’t how I exist.
He told me I needed to change this if I thought behaving this way was normal, and when I genuinely asked him how he told me “Just change.” That gave me the tools to understand which way he wanted me to change.
I ended up crying because I became overwhelmed by him raising his voice at me, and he got annoyed and mildly cussed me out before hanging up.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“You are so NTJ. I am the same way and this isn’t something you can just change.
Also, your partner is giving major red flags, he seems to not respect you at all. Someone who respected you would not interrupt you and he wouldn’t even want you to just change. Also, he appears to be quite insecure if he can’t handle any topics of conversation that include male friends.
I believe that relationships have no point if they aren’t making us happier than we are alone, so just ask yourself if being with someone who puts you down and who cusses at you is an improvement on your life.” Friendly-Buyer-9563
Another User Comments:
“NTJ….this is so relatable to me…..I went out with someone who thought I was too quiet and it became a huge issue… I would go to his place and he would say something like “Tell me a story” and expect me to just start talking, but I just don’t work that way….conversations need to be natural and I started feeling pressured to talk….once you are pressured into talking the quality of conversation just goes downhill because you are talking out of panic vs talking for the joy of conversation.” cdobbs1971
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Here’s the thing: It’s ok to not always have something to say. It’s ok to prefer to let others drive the conversation while you chime in when you feel like you have something to add. It’s ok to just sit in silence sometimes.
It’s not ok for him to ask you to change because your style of communication makes him uncomfortable. I’ve noticed that some very talkative folks get uncomfortable around us quiet types. I’m not sure if they think we’re judging them or what, but it’s not our responsibility to change just so they feel less insecure.” Ctmclaren
11. AITJ For Forgetting To Babysit My Grandson During My Son's Wedding?
“Our son, his wife, and our sweet grandson live 7 hours (driving time) from us. I was lucky to score a business trip to their hometown, and my company booked air travel for me about 6 weeks ago.
Usually, we drive to see them and leave on “Sunday at noon”; however, my company booked my flight out for early Friday afternoon instead.
I leave tomorrow morning to visit them, so tonight I snapped the kids and gave them the details of my itinerary. They already knew I was flying instead of driving this time, but this was the first they’d heard of specific dates/times. (We are a fairly spontaneous family for the most part, so waiting until the day before departure to give the details isn’t uncommon for us.)
My Daughter-in-Law’s response to the details: “We had talked about going to a wedding Friday & Saturday, but it’s okay.” At first, I was confused, thinking THEY had considered going to a wedding (thinking I’d be there all weekend to babysit) but now realized they didn’t have a convenient babysitter; however, I quickly realized that her response was straight-up snark (you have to know her well, but trust me on this one… she was laying out ALL of the passive aggressiveness).
When I realized she meant that “WE” (she and I) had talked about THEM going to a wedding and me babysitting, I straight-up panicked. I could have puked! How could I have screwed something like this up? I would give ANYTHING to have two full days alone with my grandson.
After I calmed down, I started to rationalize, and I truly believe that “we” (my Daughter-in-Law and I) never discussed a wedding and/or babysitting. If we had, I would have been thrilled about it. I would have told my husband and mother (my two BFFs) about it.
I would have been planning every moment of that time with our grandson and counting down the days. None of this happened.
I’m old (53), but not THAT old. I tend to remember things that most people don’t. I think she’s trying to pull one over on me.
I love my Daughter-in-Law to death, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t ever seem to live up to her expectations. (That’s another whole post.)
Anyway, the little voice in my head keeps telling me I truly never heard a word about a wedding.
I am almost positive that my Daughter-in-Law either:
A) THINKS she talked to me about it, assumed I’d be available, and then needed a recovery plan when she realized I wouldn’t be, or
B) forgot to ask me, and is now trying to save face (or make ME look bad) in front of her husband (my son).
Am I the jerk for secretly thinking my Daughter-in-Law is trying to cover up her shortcoming by blaming me for “forgetting” something I knew nothing about, or am I the jerk for some other reason? … because I’m feeling like a jerk for almost missing alone time with my grandson.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You didn’t agree to babysit because you hadn’t discussed the exact dates of your travel with them. Agreeing to babysit would have had to include a discussion of the days you would be in the area, which you hadn’t previously had.
It sounds like your DIL is upset because your visit is going to disrupt her plans in some way. ” Teresa’s
Another User Comments:
“NTJ In a vacuum of context memory is so sketchy that it’s just as likely she is misremembering as you are. In the context that you’d have been very excited the scales dip pretty significantly in favor of your memory not being the problem, but they don’t dip enough to prove anything.
It certainly could be the case she’s trying to pull something as well, but I’d avoid assuming that normally. You’re in a better position to decide if that is happening than I am. In your shoes, I would talk to my son about this, without being accusatory or assuming.
Just say you don’t remember any arrangement and you would have been extremely excited to have one. Maybe start using a group chat or email for conversations like this so there’s a paper trail to avoid possible memory conflicts in the future, you can frame it as a way to be certain you can’t forget something important; if you aren’t prepared to fully challenge her accusation.
As a bonus, it will give you something to confirm or deny if you’re having greater than normal memory issues.” TheVaneja
10. AITJ For Expecting My Friend To Split The Cost Of My Towed Car?
“So my friend “Skylar” and I made plans for me to spend the night at his apartment. I had never been there before, and when I arrived I noticed that some cars in his building’s parking lot had parking passes on their windshields.
I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to park there without one, so I asked Skylar if I needed to move my car to find street parking somewhere.
Skylar told me that he’s allowed to have a guest park in the spot assigned for his unit, and told me a specific spot to park my car.
I moved my car to the spot he told me was okay to park in, and then we went inside.
The next morning, I went out to the parking lot and my car was nowhere to be seen. I went back into Skylar’s apartment to tell him that my car had been stolen and we needed to call the police.
Skylar’s roommate then came in and said that my car was most likely towed because at 10 pm or so they tow any car in the lot without a parking pass. (Apparently Skylar was supposed to talk to someone in his building management to get me a temp pass.)
I still had to call the police to get the number of the towing service that had my car, but thankfully I did find it and the impound lot wasn’t very far away so I was able to walk there and get my car.
I was charged a fine of $186 for illegally parking in the lot and had to pay that much for them to release my car. I did ask them if I could get the fee waived if I had some documentation from the owner of the unit stating that I had permission to park there, but they said it didn’t work like that and I still had to pay.
So after that when I updated Skylar on the situation, I asked him to split the cost of the ticket with me and pay $93. Skylar said not because it was my car and so I was on my own. I said that wasn’t fair since it was his fault I got towed, and that he should actually be paying the full amount but I was only asking for half because I was trying to be nice as a friend.
Skylar just repeated that expecting him to pay for my car was ridiculous.
I didn’t want to argue about it and I don’t think he even had the money to give me anyway, so I just went home. I complained to one of my friends and she said that Skylar was a jerk for not doing anything to help me get the car back and it was fine to be mad at him for that.
But she said that I was a little over the line expecting him to pay for my car expenses when he doesn’t even have a car himself and that’s probably why he didn’t know how the parking lot works.
I don’t get this logic.
I still feel like Skylar owes me $93 and is a jerk for not paying me. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you asked where to park and parked where you were told. “Skylar’s roommate then came in and said that my car was most likely towed because at 10 pm or so they tow any car in the lot without a parking pass.
(Apparently Skylar was supposed to talk to someone in his building management to get me a temp pass.)” Skylar knew you needed a parking pass and did not get you a temporary one. HE is the entire reason your car got towed and HE should pay the entire fine.
The avoidance of his accepting responsibility is a huge red flag – might want to reconsider this relationship if this is a pattern.” Comfortable-Sea-2454
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Skylar should pay the whole amount and you should never speak to that jerk ever again, he isn’t your friend.
You won’t get the money from him since he is a useless deadbeat. If he did admit fault and fully cover the costs (worry isn’t a cost, even though time is, but you wouldn’t get time back either) then I could see forgiving him for being a fool.” mlc885
9. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be Friends With My Autistic Classmate?
“I (16f) am in my Junior year of high school. I have a classmate (also 16f) who has very severe autism. I’ll call her Maria. Her condition has prevented her from making friends and a lot of people in our class don’t talk to her or interact with her at all.
Throughout this year, I’ve noticed Maria gets attached to a specific girl at a time. The person this is changes sometimes. I’d say she’s cycled through maybe three or four girls this year. When she gets attached to someone, she follows them around constantly, tries to talk to them during class all the time, and doesn’t understand when they ask her for space.
I don’t blame her for this, I know that she’s different and can’t help it.
The last person Maria got attached to (also 16f, I’ll call her Chloe) was one of my good friends and I saw how much it affected Chloe. Maria would try to talk to her constantly.
Maria would follow her into the bathroom and across the street after school and constantly email Chloe’s friends asking for her personal contact information. She would also sneak pictures of Chloe.
After a few months, it escalated to the point where Chloe arranged a meeting with the counselor to try and have an adult intervene.
Currently, Maria tries to talk to her and Chloe just shuts down and doesn’t say anything. This is upsetting to Maria and she often yells at Chloe (saying she’s mean and doesn’t understand why she’s ignoring her) and refuses to leave until Chloe responds, for example staying in classrooms when we’re changing periods until a teacher has to physically remove her.
I felt really bad for Chloe as this was extremely stressful for her, so I started trying to assist her by talking to Maria and trying to convince her to leave Chloe alone. I think this has led Maria to attach to me next. She has started following me around when leaving classes.
I’m ashamed to admit it, but Maria’s condition make me hesitant to interact with her. She’s very loud, she doesn’t understand when people ask her to leave, and she doesn’t seem to be able to keep up with personal hygiene so she has a very strong smell.
I wish her parents or another adult in her life would step in to help her. I think she would benefit from attending a school that can support her needs, she isn’t capable of following lessons or making friends at a ‘regular’ high school.
I have a lot of friends and I’m open to talking to new people, but I don’t want what happened to Chloe to happen to me.
My parents have told me that she needs a friend and I should just be more sympathetic. Right now, I usually just try to walk away from Maria or tell her I’m busy when she stops me in the hall. WIBTJ if I didn’t become her friend?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You are completely justified in not wanting to be friends. I feel so bad for Maria, it sounds like her support system is failing her by not dealing with the issue. You do not have either the ability or the obligation to change her situation.” BlindOnARocketcycle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are also a child and are in no position to give this girl the help she needs, that responsibility rests with her parents, and to some extent, the school she attends.” New-Pea-3721
Another User Comments:
“As a person with this condition, if you’re put off by these factors you aren’t under any obligation to be buddies with her.
It might help to keep things brief. A simple hi-and-bye type of thing. That way she isn’t being ignored. From the sound of it, she wants the kind of relationship she observes between other friends. Pictures, going places together, talks, etc, but she isn’t going about it right.
That’s the story of many an autistic person’s life. Tone words, and body language, all take a lot of practice to learn. In truth, she may not even be trying to yell at anyone. It’s just extraordinarily difficult to put all the concepts of communication together and employ them correctly.
It has gotten me in trouble countless times.” Ducklings
8. AITJ For Giving My Family The Silent Treatment After They Did The Same To Me?
“The last Easter weekend at my mom’s was a disaster. It’s just me, my mom, and my grandparents. My mom would not get dressed in anything other than her house clothes for 3 days. She wouldn’t talk to us almost at all. She’d just nod, make disappointed or disgusted faces, and say as much as “yeah whatever, yeah I don’t know, yeah who cares”.
My grandma (her mom) tried to confront her, asking what was up, telling her we could all see she was not happy, and that we were here if she needed us to talk. My mom would pretend she didn’t hear. To be honest, my mom is moody, and silent treatments are her thing, but I’ve never seen her display that in such a rude way not only to me but also to her parents AND for that long.
I’m not kidding when I say it was just me and my grandparents talking for 3 days.
On the third day, my grandparents planned to leave. They usually leave around 6 pm-ish. When it was 3 pm, my mom started packing leftovers for everyone (as she usually does), but she’d never pack them so early.
We were packed and ready to go at 3:30 pm. Very unusual for my mom and very apparent that she doesn’t want us there anymore.
It’s been 3 weeks. In the first week after that Easter weekend, my grandma would call me several times per day and I told her to not call Mom, that she acted very bratty, and that she owed an apology and an explanation at least to her, her mother.
Grandma agreed, but the second week, she stopped calling me. By the second week after the Easter weekend, my mom wouldn’t call me either. She texted me asking if I paid for her Netflix. I was floored. That was the first communication from my mom in 2 weeks.
I decided to ignore that text and wait for her to call me.
Since I ignored her text, one week has passed (3 in total since Easter). Grandpa called me last week to ask me for advice on what bike to buy for my mom and I talked to her to try to get some ideas.
I told him that my mom hadn’t spoken to me in 2 weeks, to which he’d said “Oh, shoot!” and just ignored it. From that interaction, I assume that my grandma and my mom are talking again and since mom is in touch with her, grandma won’t call me either, as she’s either siding with her or she just doesn’t need me to talk to her anymore as her daughter is back to that.
I feel childish not talking to them. But, it’s happened in the past. My mom would give me the silent treatment and I’d still talk to her as if nothing happened, hoping she’d say something and explain herself. She’d not talk to me and I’d still talk to her eventually confronting her gently about why’d give me the silent treatment.
She never apologized. She makes up reasons that are supposed to justify the awful feeling of being ignored, of being made feel guilty for no reason, of being a disappointment, of being bad support.
AITJ for using the silent treatment in response to their silent treatment?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ-But from your post silence isn’t working to address anything. Let her talk when she is ready and in the meantime, do you and put your energy into things that benefit and help you. Your mom has issues and you all are aware, so keep it in perspective.
Let it concern, not consume you. Best of luck.” Sea-Tea-4130
Another User Comments:
“NTJ your Mom needs therapy and her own Netflix account and you need to go NC until your Mom can act like an adult and talk about things that are bothering her.
She doesn’t get to act childish and have her child be the adult. I’m sorry your family is so dysfunctional. I hope your Grandparents get help as well, they are treating her like a 5-year-old and rewarding her bad behavior with a bike?” mcindy28
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would make a group chat with your mother and both grandparents and tell them all that if they’re going to continue to act like children, you’re not going to speak to any of them and if they wind up fighting amongst themselves again then they can just deal with it.
You are an adult and deserve to be surrounded by other adults.” SlothToaFlame
7. AITJ For Pointing Out My Friends' Privilege Compared To My Struggles?
“I was hanging out with some old friends that I grew up with over the weekend.
We are all in our late 30s and have known each other since HS. We were talking about how it’s odd that we all (a group of 5) have gotten houses in the last few years since that seems to be something a lot of people in our generation struggle with.
We were talking about how we made it happen and for the majority of the group, it seemed to be either their parents gave them a down payment, or they received an inheritance that covered it. I mentioned that this was the second house I bought and that the first one me and my wife bought was through a 1st time home buyer program.
When I sold the first, I was able to use the profit for the 20% on the next one and here we are. They were surprised to find out I owned my last residence. They thought I rented.
Then later I mentioned how we were close to paying off our student loans and joked that the new American Dream seems to be paying off your student loans before you’re 40.
They were surprised to hear we still have student loans, but I mentioned that I had to pay for college on my own because my parents are…well…kind of jerks when it comes to funds and cut me off financially at 18. Again, my friends talked about how their parents helped them and they didn’t have loans anymore.
I mentioned that I could have probably paid mine off earlier, but my wife and I decided to travel when we were young, so it is taking longer.
Well, this led to one or two of my friends saying that they didn’t like me pointing out their “privilege” compared to me.
Which I think is absurd. For the record, I don’t regret if someone’s parents helped them out. I wish I had that support growing up!
I also think that it’s different because I got married much earlier and have been in my field much longer, compared to those who are single (or have been until recently) and tend to restart their careers.
Having two people working towards a single goal is easier than a single person trying to do it, and my salary/position is in line with someone who has “climbed the ladder” over the past 15 years.
I also asked how they didn’t know this about me since I’ve known them since HS.
Didn’t they remember all the stuff/events I missed because I had to work in the evenings/on the weekend? How have I never had money for all the things they wanted to do? They thought I “came from a similar situation as them”. Socioeconomically, that’s correct, but again…jerk parents.
I brushed it off then, but I’ve been thinking about it the last few days and am worrying if I did come off as rubbing their privilege in their faces. So, AITJ for pointing out to my friends that our formative years were different?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Jerk parents/married young also. As you said two people working towards the same goal get things done. My friends know about my bad past and I recently found out they had harsher opinions about it than I recently thought (harsher on my family – more positive on me).
Meanwhile, when I did nail my goals my family accused me of hiding my success when I bought a nice house they didn’t think we could afford and got irritated we could. People suck. I didn’t think you were pointing out their privilege by saying you struggled. The irony is … how privileged is it to complain about someone’s suffering making you uncomfortable?
Wow. Bad friends.” Tomboyish717
Another User Comments:
“Ntj but aren’t you friends acting too kind of ignorant or expressing too much surprise over smaller things, like expressing surprise that you haven’t paid student loans instead of accepting that it works differently for everyone? It just reinforces those stereotypes that rich people don’t understand life outside their living rooms, or other challenges, though it is a stereotype but here your friends seemed to be doing that.” Weirdoeirdo
6. AITJ For Not Wanting My In-Laws To Bring Their Dog On Our Family Vacation?
“My spouse and I (early 40sMF) are taking our son (13M) to the Bahamas for his birthday. He has always wanted to go, and now that he’s becoming a teenager, we wanted to treat him to something extravagant. We found a nice hotel, and the plan is to spend a bunch of time enjoying the ocean and letting our son veg out.
To note, there are activities to do, but our son isn’t super keen on packing in a bunch of adventures. So we’re going to go with what he wants, even if some of it seems like it would be cool.
The crux of the issue: we are on the outs with my in-laws.
They treated us poorly when we moved away and I’m pretty sure my MIL has some stuff that’s wrong with her head.
We reached out to see if they wanted to come. Our son still has a somewhat decent relationship with them, and we thought it would be magnanimous to let them come along plus it would make him feel special. It would also avoid a lot of the issues that crop up when we visit each other’s homes.
The problem is my FIL and MIL want to bring their dog. The resort is not dog-friendly. They are going to get an AirBnB “nearby”. They have stated they will get a dog sitter for when they’ll be out at restaurants etc. Why can’t they just get a dog sitter for the dog at their house and not bring the dog on a long flight?
I do not know.
Would I be the jerk if I told them they couldn’t bring the dog? Like, I get it. It doesn’t disrupt our plans if they have a dog with them. But I don’t think dogs are allowed at the resort beach either.
So in the limited time they have with us (3 days), I can predict there’s going to be a lot of nonsense surrounding this dog. They’ll have to split up, or miss dinners, or whatever. It is going to be lame for my kid, who we’re supposed to be celebrating.
The trip will be about that darn dog. Plus it seems like a huge jerk move to just insist the dog come. Am I being crazy to think this is a weird power move? Do people frequently bring their animals when invited on other people’s vacations?
Our relationship is so fraught I do wonder if I’m being oversensitive.
In case anyone cares, we are not paying for their tickets or anything, which adds to my thought that maybe I’m the jerk here.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I don’t know why you invited people you are “on the outs with” on a big family vacation anyway.
You’re so concerned about the shenanigans that will surround this dog, but I’m predicting that, even if he was left home, chaos will ensue just by people who don’t get along with each other vacationing together. That said, you already invited them. They are paying their costs, including the costs of dog-friendly accommodation and a dog sitter.
It sounds like they have the dog side of things covered and the added benefit is that they are not staying in the same facility as you, so you have some distance and built-in downtime away from each other. By harping on about this dog you’re just creating vacation drama before the vacation even starts and that’s unfair to your son.” JeepersCreepers74
Another User Comments:
“In-laws are jerks for insisting on bringing in their dog on the trip. Unless they plan on getting a dog sitter for 12 hours/day, sounds like either you won’t see them much or they are going to insist you leave the resort and visit them at their Airbnb.
Having said that, demanding that they not bring the dog is a bit of a jerk move on your part however, YWNBTA if you told them that they could do whatever they wanted to do but to please not expect you to leave the resort (which I presumably has pools, beaches, etc.) you are staying at to see them because they can’t bring the dog to the resort.” HealthNo4265
Another User Comments:
“NTJ They will not be able to bring that dog into the Bahamas for the proposed three-day period. Those islands have pretty severe quarantine restrictions.” SirVivin
5. AITJ For Not Wanting To Speak To My Mother After She Started Seeing Someone Soon After My Father's Death?
“I am a female (23) who unexpectedly lost her father (58) back in September. He had a heart attack the day of my uncle’s funeral and passed away a few hours later.
My mother (51) and my father were together for over 24 years and still married.
My father’s passing was very traumatic for me. I followed EMDR therapy for it up until 5 weeks ago. My mother was devastated after my father’s passing. She became very tired of life and kept telling me and my brother everything she wanted to do to end her life.
She also made me feel like my dad passing away wasn’t that big of a deal compared to her losing her partner. Overall, she was not acting like a mother should towards her children who were going through an equally awful time. She could feel me wanting to put some space between us, but dragged me to spiritual therapists who told me lies about my father and who said my father didn’t want me and my mother to fight after his passing.
These sessions hurt me a lot, hearing weirdos say untruthful things about my dad who had just passed away.
Edit: when my mother voiced she had a hard time staying alive, I slept over at her house for multiple weeks, leaving my partner and own house behind.
I tried to get her to go to a real psychologist and went with her a few times. But she didn’t want to hear anything being said and voiced she only trusted psychics and spiritual workers. During the weeks I spent with her, I noticed my mental health declining because of the whole situation.
When I said I wanted to go back home, she told me nobody cared about her. When I went home, I still came over multiple times a week to be with her. She told me multiple times she wanted to harm herself because nobody was there for me and that I didn’t care.
After about 3 months my mom started spending a lot of time with a man. It hurt me a lot and I asked her if they were seeing each other. She kept assuring me she was not seeing anyone and that she was not looking for anyone to see yet.
Yet she kept being very secretive and going away a lot. All the while saying my dad was her true love and that she could never love anyone else.
I know my mom is still young and I wouldn’t want her to be lonely for the rest of her life, but I was still very much grieving my dad and trying to get over the trauma I experienced.
After 5 months of my dad passing, my mother invited me over. She made me listen to a voice recording of a psychic saying my mom and my dad are real soulmates and were meant to be together. After the recording was finished, my mom said she was seeing someone again.
I became very emotional and she said: ‘I knew you were going to do this’. I left the house and blocked her on social media.
After 4 weeks of no contact, an uncle of mine came over and said my mom wanted to bring her partner over for Easter.
But she said I had to meet her partner before Easter, which meant I had 3 days to meet him before Easter took place. I declined and said I wasn’t ready yet. She decided not to bring said partner to Easter after people told her that wouldn’t be fair on me.
During Easter, she kept telling family members that I wasn’t accepting her new relationship while I could hear her say it. She also went outside a couple of times to stand next to the window where I was seated to go and cry.
Am I a jerk for not wanting to talk to her?
Or should I get over myself and let her be happy?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because how she went about this is wild. I don’t think pulling you to what sounds like weird pseudo-counselors, minimizing the loss of a parent, the psychic thing right before telling you the news after denying it for two months, or shaming you for being emotional about the revelation, are okay ways to treat your grieving child.
I think it’s reasonable to not want to talk for a while after that. That said though, your mom’s relationships and her grieving process are hers at the end of the day. If you want to go back to having contact with your mom at some point, it would probably involve both being firm about your boundaries regarding your grief and acknowledging that for the time being this guy is a part of her life.
Which can massively suck as a grieving child.” GravenIris
Another User Comments:
“In my opinion, it’s ok to be angry about this issue and it’s understandable why you would be. (Again this is just my opinion I might be wrong) your mother at the end of the day is still a human and is a human who wants to feel romance and love.
If I were you I’d probably have a discussion with your mother and at least try to understand why she does the things she does.” QUILODINERRO
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Everyone grieves differently. You’re allowed to tell your mother that it’s too soon for you to meet her new partnerand you’ll be in touch when you’re in a better space; equally, your mother’s allowed to move on with a new partner at a time that suits her.
I think the problem is that you both have expectations for the other person and are disappointed that they’re not being met. It’d be better if you could both give each other space and grace, without judgment of actions. Perhaps talk with her about how you can be kind to each other while you’re each trying to find your footing in this new landscape.” KiwiAtaahua
4. AITJ For Not Wanting My Dad To Chaperone My Field Trips Anymore?
“I (16M) have a field trip coming up Friday.
I didn’t tell my dad because he’s been volunteering to be a chaperone on every field trip I had this year. Which have been 2. I was already on edge when he started coming but the last time he chaperoned he overheard a conversation I had on the bus that he WASN’T supposed to hear as he was NOT even supposed to come.
He put me in an uncomfortable situation because he forced me to talk about it. I cried so much that day.
That’s when I knew he should NEVER be a chaperone again. However, my brother is stupid and let it slip about my field trip despite me literally telling him that I didn’t want my dad to come.
I’m positive he did that just to be hateful because he started laughing about it. My dad was mad and accused me of lying to him which was not true I just didn’t tell him. We got into an argument because I told him that I already told my teacher that he’d be busy that day and I already turned in my permission slip.
This made him more upset because I forged his signature and he told me that he was gonna call the school and let them know he was available.
I told my dad that If he chaperones I won’t go because I’m going to get AWAY from him not to stay close to him 24/7.
He got madder and told me that I was going whether I liked it or not and I should be grateful I was not punished. I told my dad that forcing me to go was just as bad as a punishment because I was tired of my friends making fun of me and making comments about him.
He did not care and told me to ignore them.
I don’t understand why he does this to me. Like I just want to be myself and I can’t do that when I’m around him every day. I told my dad that I’ll go but it just proves to me how little he cares about my well-being.
He got upset with me and started telling me that it wasn’t true and that he just wanted to spend time with me.
I don’t want to spend time with him. It’s embarrassing. Like once a field trip okay. But every field trip is just no. Like I don’t mind spending time with my dad.
I love him. I just don’t want him at my school. He embarrasses me. And my friends don’t make it any better. He’s too involved in my school life and I want him to stop. I asked my uncle to convince my dad to stop but he told me to be grateful that my dad wants to be involved in my life as many kids don’t have that??!
That right there was confusing because I never said I didn’t want him involved Just NOT AS A CHAPERONE. So he was wrong and was just making things up. So I went to my other uncle and he was also wrong and it genuinely made me sad because I felt like I was getting gaslighted.
I don’t see how I’m being ungrateful?”
Another User Comments:
“no jerks here I have a ten-year-old son who currently wants me to come on field trips. So I go! But I totally understand there will come a time in the near future when he won’t want me there as much or at all for field trips.
Especially as a teen. Totally understandable and acceptable. Your dad has to give you breathing room and accept your feelings. Totally normal as a teen. (He still will have rules you have to follow, to keep you safe.) You have to somewhat understand that it is hard for parents to see our kids grow up and not need us as much anymore.
But that is a part of growing up! He will cry when you go off to college or move out. Totally normal for that to happen too. If you are the firstborn, this is his first time learning this lesson himself. He will probably be easier on your brother.
These can be hard years between teens and parents. Best to try to communicate without yelling or guilt trips or ultimatums. If he can’t understand your side, maybe get a counselor or therapist to help you tell him (or show him this post). Ask him if he wanted his dad/ mom on every field trip when he was younger.
Ask him if he can try to understand your side. Good luck!” Trick_Delivery4609
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a teacher, I’m wondering if you are comfortable talking to your teacher about this. It may be possible for them to say they are already full and don’t need more chaperones, or put you and your dad in different groups.
Teachers absolutely recognize that some parents need to back off and that teenagers do not enjoy mixing parents and friends. You’re not being ungrateful; you are being developmentally typical and appropriate.” AdelleDeWitt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your uncles have forgotten what it means to be a teen, as has your father.
I remember half-jokingly telling my father when I was that age “I can’t like you in public.” It’s a phase, but a very real one that they should understand and respect that you want your space. My dad was upset at the time, but I eventually got over it and now we’re all good.
Your dad and uncles need to stop forcing you to be involved with him, as all it will do is make you resent them and push them away and make it take longer to get out of the phase.” shennynerd
3. AITJ For Telling My Mum To Pull My Brother Out Of School And Taking Away His Privileges?
“My brother (16yrs) has been skipping school.
His education has been a massive issue for my mum and it’s causing her a lot of stress. She’ll ask for proof that he’s in school and he sends her a photo of his desk looking down at his laptop but she can’t tell if he’s in class or not.
It’s a unique situation for my mum, as my other 2 siblings (m27, f29) never had schooling issues and we grew up respecting our teachers and parents. We’re not against going into a trade or dropping out of school.
He doesn’t take school seriously at all, and he used to go to a local private school where his mum was paying $26k a year for him to attend.
He failed the last 2 years of school, but because it was a private school, they cared more about taking her money rather than his education.
He’s a pretty arrogant teenager, he thinks he knows more than his teachers and even attempts to ‘correct’ his tests.
He got on the wrong side of a few teachers at his old school. He was ‘bullied’ there and asked his mum to transfer to the local public school which is in the town centre.
Mum got an email earlier in the year that my brother had been skipping school and she confronted him and he said he’d just been wandering around town instead of going to class.
On Friday, Mum got another email from the school again that my brother hadn’t been in one of his classes for an entire month. We’re assuming that’s the case for all of his other classes as well.
My brother has no respect for my mother and doesn’t take any notice of her authority.
She’s tried everything to punish him without crossing any lines. He’s completely unmotivated to do anything other than play on his computer. His laptop is his entire life, but we can’t take it off him because he needs it for all of his classes which post everything online.
Mum used the money she would have for the private school to pay for tutors for him, she’s given him her credit card to pay for lunches. She hasn’t noticed any purchases on it that aren’t food. She’s spent a lot of money recently on his schooling.
For me, it feels like theft or financial mistreatment.
Last year, the three of us started organizing a Euro trip for September, I suggested that my brother not be invited anymore. I don’t want Mum to ‘reward’ him for this behavior.
Mum called me and asked for advice and I told her all of this, it’s not like he’s interested in school anyway.
I am wondering though that if he did get a job, would he even turn up?
My brother is going to go crazy when Mum tells him about all of this and because it’s my suggestion, I’ll be the one bearing the brunt of the anger.
I am wondering if I was too harsh in what I told mum to say to him.
AITJ for suggesting that mum take him out of school, disinvite him from our holiday and get a full-time job instead, and take his laptop off him?”
Another User Comments:
“As harsh as this is going to sound, have you thought about handing him over to the state, or at least contacting a social worker? My mother worked in social services, and a few parents had to do this for this EXACT reason. It’s not a decision to be made lightly, and some had to be put into behavioral camps, but if you have ‘truly’ tried everything, maybe it’s time for more extreme measures.” silent_rain36
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the parent here, your mum is. Sounds like he would be better off home-schooling himself, not everyone is cut out for institutionalized schooling. And the trip isn’t a reward it’s a family holiday and you want to alienate him further.
Don’t take his laptop, this is the life we live now, everyone needs a laptop for doing stuff.” Tequila-Tarn
2. AITJ For Not Hearing My Wife Because Of My Noise-Cancelling Earbuds?
“This morning my wife said she was going to take our kid to the playground after Family Quiet Time (1-2 hours after lunch where we all sit on our butts while kiddo naps/doesn’t nap) so I could cook us dinner in peace.
This is not an uncommon occurrence now that it’s spring.
95% of the time, I spend Quiet Time in my basement office with noise-cancelling earbuds in. She knows that I hear practically nothing except what I’m playing/watching with these earbuds. She knows this is by design.
She knows I will typically miss text messages during this time unless I am specifically waiting for them; she is not a fan of this fact, as she almost always texts me if she needs something. I’ve told her multiple times that I will never ignore her, and that if I haven’t responded to a text, my door is always open.
I’m not clinging to my phone waiting for her to message me in our own home where I’m just a short staircase away.
Today, however, was one of those days I *was* waiting for a text around the end of Quiet Time to say ‘kid is awake’ or whatever.
(This is the job of the parent with the monitor or the kid: notify the other parent the kid is awake so it can be all hands on deck.) Like I was checking my phone every few minutes, and every time I heard something that remotely resembled our kid running or talking I took an earbud out for a moment to see if I was needed, ready to come up at a moment’s notice.
But no messages came and I heard nothing suspicious.
Then 3 minutes before I was about to come upstairs to start dinner / help get kiddo ready since I assumed the playground trip would be happening soon, my wife bursts into my office and is like “What are you doing?
I’ve been calling and shouting for you! We’re leaving for the playground now and I wanted your help getting him ready! But now it’s too late!” I’m like.. baffled, firstly, because we typically don’t holler for/at each other in this household. I explained I’d been waiting for her to text, was just about to come up, and heard nothing through *my noise-canceling-by-design* earbuds.
I also reminded her, as she reminds me when I think she’s heard me but hasn’t, that **if I didn’t respond to her, I didn’t hear her.**
(This one-sided communication piece has come up many times. Essentially she puts the onus on me to be a good communicator: if she didn’t hear me, it’s my fault for not being clear or repeating myself; if I didn’t hear her, it’s my fault for not listening.
Yes, we have a marriage counselor. No, she doesn’t use any of the techniques we learn in our sessions. Yes I’m aware this is a bad sign.)
Anyway, she keeps berating me for being a bad communicator, etc. as we go upstairs. I take a deep breath, trying to figure out what she’s feeling and decide to apologize for being unavailable and frustrating her.
No dice; she leaves with kiddo and I make dinner. She gets back and voila, it’s like nothing ever happened. The end.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It’s not a new procedure and she made assumptions that you heard instead of double checking… How is anyone saying YTJ is beyond me?
Yes, it’s a red flag that she puts the onus on you for communication, yes it’s a red flag that she bursts out with minimal reason, yes it’s a red flag that doesn’t use anything from counseling, and yes it’s a red flag that she acts like nothing happened when all is said and done.
I think you are raising two children.” DuduMelo25
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she knew you had your noise-canceling earbuds in. She could have come in and asked for help sooner since you didn’t respond but she didn’t. I can’t speak on the other aspects of your marriage but do you want her method of communicating with you to be the model your children have for their future partners?
You said you’re already in counseling and she hasn’t used any of the techniques they’ve given you, how are things supposed to improve if only one person is putting in the effort?” valentinesanddragons
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for making it so that you can’t hear anything during this quiet time.
Do you need to cut yourself off completely? You are leaving all the onus on your wife to let you know when it’s time for you to join her. What if your wife did the same as you? Who would hear what’s going on with your child?
Who would call her when it’s time to start moving again? You are being selfish and of course, you don’t get why your wife is frustrated because she isn’t completely disconnected and is still parenting while you aren’t.” hadMcDofordinner
1. AITJ For Sarcastically Declining Extra Work and Giving My Manager a Nickname?
“My company has two offices, one in the US and one in France. I’m the only Social Media manager/community manager/content creator for that company. It’s a lot of work but I usually don’t complain. When I joined the company, that role didn’t exist and it was by creating things on my personal time and showing the results and numbers growing that the CEO decided to trust me and officially give me that title and the responsibility of all the social media for her company.
The way my contract was made is that it’s Me, Myself, and I: I have full creative control and as long as I don’t mess up, I have a job but if would mess up, it’s Game over; I pack my stuff and go look for another job.
I just have to have a manager to have the company built.
So, I switched teams and went from being at the bottom of the corporate ladder to joining the “Marketing and Communication team”. While I have a good/friendly but still very professional relationship with the CEO, I can’t say the same for the relationship I have with my new manager, the chief of my new department.
He sees himself, the people working for him, and what they do as the “ELITE”. Everyone has one or multiple degrees, a very prestigious university and he describes me as “The rotten fruit” since I don’t have any diploma in my domain. And let’s also add that He is not the most liked or popular human in our company, even from the point of view of people who are part of his inner circle.
With the Olympic Games in Paris getting closer and closer, Everyone in the company works a lot more than usual, including me. For me, it looks like around 40 hours of work (my whole weekly hours) are done in 3 days, but I still work 5 or 6 days a week.
I also need to change my sleep schedule so that I can work with the US and French employees daily.
Monday, we had a meeting, and several people were connected, including my manager, the CEO, and other people. The conversation was about who should take on a new project.
My manager said, “Give it to OP; he does nothing”. I didn’t think for more than 0.2s before I said, “Well, ImaginaryLand it’s the second star to the right and straight on till morning. But here, it’s the reality, and that won’t be happening. I’m already at 250% of my workload; so that’s a no” (In the French version of the Disney movie Neverland, it has been translated to something like “ImaginaryLand”).
Everyone except my manager and I laughed when I said that.
Several days later, the tail of that meeting spread like wildfire in our company, and now My manager’s nickname is Peter Pan. Most people think it’s funny (most of them didn’t like him before that), but My manager and some people in his inner circle think I’ve been disrespectful, that I’m a jerk, and I should apologize.
AITJ ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It was disrespectful to call him out using a little sarcasm and humor to diffuse the situation but it wasn’t disrespectful for him to state you aren’t valuable and don’t contribute. I don’t think so. Also, you’re French and actually have worker’s rights – don’t work crazy long hours for these people, especially when you’re not given any respect by the person in charge of you.
Stick to the expectations of the job, as written in the description, and when he calls you out tell him where to shove it.” waterfountain_bidet
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You were insulting to him in front of other employees, and even if he was insulting to you, that’s on his reputation.
You just affected yours. Obviously, there are people higher up than him, so you should have bumped it up if you have to rather than behaving like this.” Fredsundertheblanket
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