People Challenge Our Thinking With Their Baffling "Am I The Jerk" Stories

Before someone becomes a better person, jerkish behavior needs to be recognized and addressed first. You can cultivate positive attributes by consistently pursuing personal growth, rather than doing jerkish things. These people below know that in order to stop being such jerks, they first need to identify precisely what it is that they have been doing incorrectly from the beginning. Let's go over their stories and identify any errors they made so they may correct them. As you read on, let us know who you believe to be the jerks. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

22. AITJ For Blaming My Parents For My Health Issues?

“I (17 F) have been dealing with a fairly constant and frustrating issue. I’ve been getting recurring UTIs for a little over three years now and my parents seem to think it’s my fault.

I do everything I’m supposed to do. I go to the bathroom after ‘me time’, I wipe front to back, my hands are clean, I wash regularly with unscented soap and still I find myself with a UTI around I’d say 7-8 times a year.

My parents think I’m ‘either getting them from sleeping around or from wiping wrong’ and now when I get UTIs they get mad at me and punish me for it. Last time I got grounded for 3 months because of it.

So this time around, I’ve tried to find opportunities to seek medical attention on my own, in secret.

It’s difficult to do though because the hospital wait times are ridiculous especially for what I have because it’s not considered a priority, I have a curfew of 11 PM and I have to babysit my siblings from the time I get home from school to around 9 PM.

I went to the hospital twice but wasn’t called in before I had to go home, and because I had gone a couple of weeks without treatment it progressed and turned into a kidney infection. It’s been absolutely debilitating, so at that point I HAD to tell them what was going on.

I’m on antibiotics now but I still have a fever of 102 and It feels like I’ve been beaten brutally with a large rock in the lower back.

My mom had the audacity to ask me why I didn’t tell them and get treated, to which I responded last time I told them I got punished for it, and I didn’t feel like being told it was all my fault when I don’t even know why it’s happening and I’ve tried doing everything in my power to prevent them.

My parents think I’m being unfair and not taking proper accountability here, but I say it’s the other way around. I just wish they’d listen to me instead of telling me what they think they know about MY health issues. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, NTJ, NTJ a million times over. And speaking as someone who’s had several UTIs and a couple of kidney infections, I feel for you. Sometimes you can do everything right and that stuff just keeps coming back. You should find a nephrologist and/or an urologist to find out WHY you keep getting sick.

It could be a bacteria that wasn’t properly eliminated the first time around (by using the wrong antibiotics that just ‘put it to sleep’ instead of killing it), could be a genetic condition, could be related to kidney stones, there are a million reasons why you could be going through them and a lot of them can’t be blamed on you.

You felt unsafe going to the doctor to seek treatment because of how they behaved last time. This infection is on them and no one else. I hope you feel better soon!” Impressive_Culture69

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. They’re gaslighting you into thinking it’s your fault, probably because they don’t want to pay the medical bills.

Call child protective services and get you and your sibs out. Whoever said this is medical mistreatment is correct. They are legally obligated to make sure you are receiving adequate medical care. Not that it is, but even if it IS your fault, they’re still required to get you care, mind you.

If you jumped off the roof and broke your arm and they didn’t get you care because it was your fault, that would still be medical mistreatment. Whether or not to get medical attention for kids is not the prerogative of the parent.” Astute_Primate

3 points - Liked by BJ, LizzieTX and lebe

21. AITJ For Bringing My Own Food To My In-Laws' Christmas Dinner?

“My husband (42 m) and I (37 f) usually alternate each year between going to his parent’s house and my parent’s house for Christmas dinner, and Christmas Eve dinner we do at the other one’s house.

So this year we did Christmas Eve at my parent’s house, and Christmas at his parent’s house. Both families usually do a potluck-style dinner.

I’m lactose intolerant and have been for about 5-ish years. My family does a really good job of accommodating for this.

So for all the potluck dishes, my family works really hard to make sure they don’t put any butter in them, or milk, etc. They use plant-based butter that doesn’t have lactose or soy milk, you get the idea. My sister is also gluten-free, so we’re used to making dishes in different ways.

So, for Christmas Eve, I had a really great dinner with lots of food for everyone to take home leftovers.

Christmas at my in-laws – they are really bad at remembering I’m lactose intolerant. They do know, but they have their traditional dishes that they make every year and they refuse to make them differently, which is fine!

I don’t want to make anyone not get what they want just because I can’t have it. But I’ve also gotten really tired of just eating a side of green salad for Christmas or Christmas Eve whenever I go to their house. So this year, I brought over leftovers from Christmas Eve so I could eat something.

My mother-in-law was REALLY offended. Even when I pointed out to her that there was nothing for me that I could eat (there wasn’t even a salad this year because the one they made had dressing already on it that I couldn’t have), she said that it was bad manners for me to bring my own leftovers, especially at a nice holiday meal.

AITJ? I recognize it probably wasn’t polite to bring leftovers for a Christmas meal, but I never ask them to make anything specifically for me (not that they’ve offered) and I’m tired of going hungry.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I personally would have brought a dish to share that was lactose-free in addition to my assigned cider, but it’s clear from her response that you were in a no-win situation.

Where the heck is your husband in all this? He just sits there while his mom makes it clear the polite thing to do is sit there and eat nothing on the holiday? Time to start talking about an alternative plan for next year, because the status quo means you go hungry and that is just plain rude with a side of ridiculous and this is your husband’s problem to solve.” Kind-Philosopher1

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. The bad manners here are on the part of the hosts for not providing good for all their guests. Having repeatedly failed as good hosts, they can’t complain about you filling the gap in their bad manners, especially at a potluck.

Your husband should have had your back if he was there when his mom was going off. He needs to tell her privately that next year he will bring three or so lactose-free dishes to the potluck and she will not have to worry about making anything special and she will keep her mouth shut about it or she’s getting Etiquette for Dummies for Christmas.” Curious-One4595

3 points - Liked by BJ, lebe and pamlovesbooks918

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LizzieTX 2 months ago
NTJ. Tell terminally forgetful MIL that you will be bringing your own food to make sure you have something you can eat. And if she doesn't like it, you won't come. End of discussion.
And you might want to have a word with your husband about your mother's behaviour. He should have your back on this.
1 Reply

20. AITJ For Refusing To Uninvite My Mother's Side Of The Family From My Wedding?

“I (34 F) and my now-husband (33 M) have been together for 17 years. We finally decided to get married last year.

For context, I didn’t have a good childhood and my mother created so many issues in my life that most of my family on her side has decided to stay away from us.

She was very abusive and now in my adult life every time I try and work on having a relationship with her she finds some reason to hurt me. When we got engaged I was very excited we were at that point talking and getting along so I texted her to let her know before we posted on social media or told anyone else.

She read it but didn’t respond we waited till the next day and posted it. Well, she went on a text attack and called me worthless and a loser among many other names, and told me to forget her and her family because none of them wanted anything to do with me.

I was hurt so in talking with my now husband I said this is why I didn’t want to get married. I will never have a support system from her or my family. My husband said a big wedding with all of our family wasn’t something he needed and we could get married in a courthouse and he would be happy.

So we had a small beach wedding with his mom our son and a few close friends. It was perfect and beautiful and I couldn’t have been happier. We decided that we would have a reception/celebration on our 1 year anniversary and anyone who wanted could come and if they don’t that’s okay.

I invited my mother and ‘her family.’ My mother declined but the family RSVP and texted and called and said they were so happy and excited for me and couldn’t wait to come and celebrate with us.

Well, word got to my mother that they were coming she called and said I needed to un-invite them!

She said they hurt her by cutting her off and it is rotten of me to invite them and shows how I am a narcissist and manipulative. I told her I wasn’t uninviting anyone and that it was important to me that they wanted to come.

She said if I don’t I am showing my true colors and how they are only coming so they can make fun of me. I feel like she isn’t coming so why can’t they? Mind you they have to fly to be here and most have already booked their flights!


Another User Comments:

“NTJ in the slightest. Your mom sounds identical to my mom, so I may be biased here, sorry.

First, she says: ‘Forget her and her family because none of them want anything to do with me’. But follows up with: ‘She said they hurt her by cutting her off and it is rotten of me to invite them’ – But… mom… you said none of them wanted anything to do with me, so why did they accept and tell me how happy and excited they were about it?

Because: ‘they are only coming so they can make fun of me’. Okay Mom, if that is the case, why does it matter to you? Because: ‘you are ‘worthless and a loser’ and ‘a narcissist and manipulative’.

Wow, Mom, it seems like you are better off out of it then from what you are saying.

It sounds like my family is coming to laugh at my narcissistic, manipulating, worthless, loser-styled beach wedding in the sunshine. They are even paying for their own flights. But Mom, I understand that you are trying (in a backhanded way) to protect me. Thank you but it is ok, now that you have given me a heads-up on this, I will be so well prepared. I am sorry you won’t be at my wedding, but I can understand you not wanting to be a witness to what sounds like a train wreck in the making and I want you to know, I appreciate that.

Either she will stop talking to you forever because she didn’t win that round, or her head will explode from pure frustration at not controlling this part of your life. Either way – a happy event all around, I think?” Political-Beast

Another User Comments:


You don’t have to engage with toxic people – give yourself permission to cut your mother off like the rest of your family did. They obviously do not hold her against you and just couldn’t be around you while you were a minor and in your mother’s care, not because of you, but because of her.

Don’t let her near you, your husband, or your kid, and embrace the people who want the best for you, which clearly does not include her.” such_a_travesty

3 points - Liked by BJ, lebe and pamlovesbooks918

19. AITJ For Kicking My Mom And Stepdad Out Of The House After An Unfunny Joke?

“I (28 f) recently gave birth to my son, my son has blonde hair, so did I up until I was like 4, and my hair has only gotten darker over time.

My husband has black hair, I have very dark brown hair now and our whole families have either one of these colors or similar. Our son having blonde hair is not something anyone else has reacted negatively towards.

My mom and my stepdad came over as they usually do once a week.

My stepdad and I don’t have a good relationship, neither is it bad. But every time they have visited he has made comments about my son’s hair. He jokes about getting one of those DNA kits for my husband and son, jokes about how my husband maybe should check my phone, asks if I have any hot blonde coworkers I have spent a lot of time with, and more stuff in that kind of way.

My husband and I always tell him to stop, has explained that it is basic genetics since I had blonde hair. We have always been very polite in trying to get him to stop, but neither of us even finds it remotely funny. My mom doesn’t say anything, I have talked with her and asked her to make him stop but she says that she rather not interfere with our relationship with him and that me and my husband should talk more with him.

Now the last time they were over my husband went to the kitchen to grab some snacks, and my stepdad followed. After a minute I just heard my husband slam a cabinet and very loudly tell my stepdad to shut up or else he could get out immediately.

Both my mom and I went to see what happened, my husband explained that my stepdad was going on again about me having an affair. My husband lost it this time, I don’t know but I also did just that. I told them to leave and to don’t come back until he apologizes.

They tried to talk and explain how my stepdad was just joking, but I was stern and wanted them to leave. They eventually did.

I texted my mom later that night trying to explain myself, as I felt bad for kicking her out too. She answered back with how my stepdad has been feeling really down, that he was disappointed in how I let my husband treat him, and that they both expected some apologies and a lot of work to make up for this.

I feel really bad and feel like a jerk, I know I hurt my mom and my stepdad and that I may have made a harsh decision in this. My sister told me that she understood my frustration, but it was an unnecessary thing for me to react like that.

My husband is on my side and has told me that he is glad they won’t come over.

If I was a jerk for reacting like this I would apologize.”

Another User Comments:

“Uh. Wait. What? So you’re supposed to not support your spouse’s alleged bad behavior but it’s okay if your mom does?

Nope. It was not an overreaction. It was a clear boundary that was set and then trespassed. He broke the rule because he thinks he has a right to or that your rule is meaningless because it doesn’t make sense or is stupid and therefore does not apply to him.

And it’s clear that your mother is either completely oblivious or is an enabler, so I absolutely would hold your mother just as accountable as your stepfather.

I don’t care how disappointed your stepfather is. He brought this on himself. How many times do you need to be told something?

He’s acting like a two-year-old who cannot learn. And now he’s trying to play the victim. I would tell them if they don’t apologize and they’re not coming over anymore. I would stand my ground and let them know that I mean business when it comes to my boundaries.

What’s going to happen when your baby is a little bit older and you tell them not to feed it a certain food and then they just go behind your back and do it anyway? What are the rules? Are they going to deem frivolous and unnecessary that they don’t need to respect?

They absolutely keep disrespecting you in your own home and disrespecting your child, who is their grandbaby that they are supposed to love. It sounds like to me they do not love or respect you or your husband or your child. They are the ones who owe the apology 100%.

NTJ” United-Loss4914

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your stepdad thinks it’s funny to constantly EVERY TIME undermine your relationship by telling your husband you must have had an affair as your son has blonde hair? That your husband’s son isn’t his son? Oh, what a ‘great joke…’ What if your son overhears, as he gets older, this oh-so-funny joke… how messed up would that be for your son?

Stepdad was asked to stop. He was told to stop. You asked your mum to get him to stop. He was given multiple chances to stop. He did not stop. He doubled down with his nasty comments. It isn’t a joke when it’s that disrespectful and damaging.

It isn’t a joke when no one else is laughing and he was told to stop. You absolutely should have yelled at them both to leave when your husband told him to shut up and to leave and they didn’t.

Your stepdad is a jerk.

Your mum is a jerk for not stopping him and telling him to pack it in too, when you asked. They owe both you and your husband apologies not the other way round. Guess they won’t be seeing blonde grandson anymore until they do apologize.” JSJ34

3 points - Liked by BJ, lebe and pamlovesbooks918

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MadameZ 2 months ago
NTJ at all. He has been told to stop saying rude things multiple times; he keeps saying them... so he gets consequences. Stand your ground - he doesn't get to come inside your house again until he apologies, and if he starts up again, he will get a slap across the mouth.
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18. AITJ For Not Refunding My Sister's Tickets?

“My (36 F) sister (39 F) is an incredibly volatile person with anger issues. I think she probably has BPD but that’s another issue.

For that reason, we’ve had a rocky relationship most of our lives, including going years without talking. She can be frightening to be around, and for a long time, I found it easier to stay away.

Over the last few years, things have been better and we’ve forged a bit of a relationship. Not close by any means, but it’s something.

For Christmas this year, I wanted to get my mum tickets to a show that I know she’ll love. I thought it would be nice to invite my sister too, as it would mean a lot to my mum for us all to do this together.

I booked the three tickets and my sister transferred me the money for her ticket. It’s in a different city so requires time off work, accommodation, and general planning (all of which I’ve arranged/paid for me and mum), which is why I need to think a bit more about it.

Sister lives in said city so it’s not as big a deal for her.

Well, last weekend my sister and I were both at my mum’s house over the same few days. Out of nowhere, my sister exploded at me and spent two days screaming about what an awful person I am, how she’s always hated me, etc. Genuinely didn’t calm down from level-10 rage over three days, and repeatedly yelled ‘I have no sister!’ I promise this was unprovoked and one-sided, as it always is when she picks someone to unleash on.

This has left my mum completely distraught and just at her wit’s end with my sister. She lost her husband earlier this year and doesn’t need this drama. She is my sister’s main victim most of the time, and if anything I think she found it hard to see this directed at me for once.

Anyway, the tickets. My view is very much that my mum and I should still go and enjoy the show. I will absolutely not tolerate my sister’s presence – I have the tickets, and she will not get hers. In my view, she agreed to come and then decided not to (‘I have no sister’).

I don’t see why I should be out of pocket for this – she made her decision and it has consequences.


Another User Comments:

“No jerks here – mental illness is, at the core, about suffering. BPD is a personality disorder. It’s not going away, and very few people ever seek diagnosis or treatment.

You’re suffering. Your mom is suffering. Your sister is suffering. You are allowed to set and enforce boundaries that keep you safe. If you have some level of responsibility over your mom or her finances (due to age, incapacity, etc) you may set and enforce boundaries on her behalf.

So, what’s the boundary here? What do you want her to do? (Genuine question – and the answer can’t be something she feels or understands, not going to happen. There have to be actual, measurable, and enforceable behaviors). What CAN be done is to consider that she displays traits and behaviors of BPD – and seek education and techniques for living with someone you love having BPD.

Good luck, I’m so sorry that everyone is feeling this.” relatedruby

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It sounds as if your sister has serious issues. While you and your mother can dwell on empathy, it is an ongoing struggle to deal with this. It seems as if your sister doesn’t care about hurting both of you.

I wish both you and your mother could go low contact until she makes the choice to seek help. Is she aware of her behavior? Have you or your mother ever recorded it? Discussed how abnormal this is? Has she ever been held accountable by anyone?

Is she selective in her behavior? I mean can she hold her rage with coworkers, general public? Sorry for so many questions, just trying to understand how she has ANY friends, or family, or even a job with this behavior.” Wishiwashome

2 points - Liked by BJ and lebe

17. AITJ For Driving Away And Leaving My Mom In Another Town?

“Last Saturday, I, my 3-year-old daughter, and my mum went to the next town over for a day of shopping.

It is summer at the moment in my country and where we live gets really hot.

After seeing a movie we walked back to my car which was in the sun on the roof carpark. We run into an old friend of my mum who lives in the same town as her and they start talking.

I am politely standing in the hot sun with my daughter for 10 minutes listening to the two of them talk. My daughter starts fidgeting and getting grumpy. I recognize that she is overheating and needs to get in the shade. I told my mum we had to get my daughter into the shade and asked if she could chat with her friend at home.

My mum snapped at me that I needed to ‘teach daughter to be patient and respectful when adults are speaking’.

This was the story of my entire childhood. My mum is very inconsiderate of myself and my siblings’ needs. Whenever she would run into a friend she would make us wait in a hot car or in the heat while she chatted with them for 30 minutes.

When we were in long car rides and we needed to pee she would make us wait until we got to our destination. I remember peeing myself a couple of times because of this and she would scold me for peeing myself on purpose. I remember going the entire day without food besides breakfast if we were out running errands and her refusing to take us home and feed us or buy us food to eat.

She would spend hours on the phone talking to her friends and ignoring us kids and if we dared ask her for something she would snap at us to leave her alone and complain about how she never gets time to herself.

The conversation and her comments triggered me and I got really angry.

I promptly took my daughter to the car and started to drive out of the parking lot. I stopped by my mum and told her I was taking my daughter home now and she could either come with us now or find another way home.

She laughed at me and said to stop being dramatic and that she would take as long as she needed with her friend. I think she thought I was bluffing and would pull over and wait for her. Instead, I drove off without her and got a call 20 minutes later asking where I was over.

I told her I was on my way home and for her to get another ride. I didn’t listen to the rest and hung up on her. I got a text from her that night saying how I acted and disrespected her and left her stranded (her friend left before she realized I was gone and didn’t answer the phone while driving).

I told my mum I wasn’t going to let my kid pass out from heat exhaustion because she wanted to flap her jaws for an hour. I also brought up the previous things and told her she needs to think about other people’s needs over her wants.

We got into a big row and she said I crossed a big line leaving her stranded even if the other stuff was true. Now that I’ve cooled down a bit I am feeling guilty for what I did and not bringing it up in a more mature way.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ – your mother is selfish and irresponsible. What she did to you when you were a child is neglect. I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. You stood up for your daughter and prioritized her, which is exactly what you should have done.

You warned your mom what the consequences would be if she continued to stand there and flap her gums. She was flippant and nasty with her response, and she ate the consequences of her actions. That’s on her, not you. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about.

You did nothing wrong.” Photomama16

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You asked first, and she dismissed you. Then you warned her, she was dismissive once again. She belittled you in the way she laughed it off, treating YOU like a child. She needs to learn how to respect you, and the fact that 3-year-olds don’t have the same tolerances as adults.

(not that treating an adult like this would be ok). She sounds like a bully, with narcissistic tendencies. It sounds like nothing else throughout your life has ‘reached’ her. Maybe she just needed a harsh lesson to get through to her.

Good for you for setting, and sticking to your boundaries, AND for protecting your daughter at the same time!” ScoobaChick28

2 points - Liked by BJ and lebe

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LizzieTX 2 months ago
NTJ in the least. Some times terrible parents need a reality check written to them, and you did that perfectly. Momster jacked around and found out that where your daughter is concerned, you will not allow her to abuse/neglect her the same way you were abused/neglected as a child. She didn't believe you - now she does. Mission accomplished. Brava!
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16. AITJ For Not Letting One Of My Classes Have A Holiday Party?

“I (24 f) teach high school English. I have three class periods each day; however, one class, 4B, is my worst. My phone went missing during that period, and I told them they would not be allowed to leave until it showed up.

Five minutes before the bell, it appeared next to the sharpener (the phone was originally on my desk). I’ve had my coffee stolen from my desk in that class and then gaslit, with the students claiming they bought it themselves and questioning why they would take my drink.

I’ve even had money stolen, money that was in my purse up until that class. These are not isolated incidents; this class is the only one that’s ever given me this problem, and I know it involves multiple students. They also have an issue with awful behavior — not listening, leaving my room filthy, back-talking, and just being unpleasant to me.

I’ve made the principal aware of the theft and bad behavior, but she says nothing can really be done if I can’t provide names and obvious proof of theft and asked me to be more patient with them. So, I’ve stopped giving that class any sort of special treatment: no rewards for passing tests beyond stickers, no movie days, or fun activities.

I’m not going to reward them for being jerks.

The kids were asking about a holiday party since my class would be their last before the break. I told them no. They asked if my other classes were having a party, and I didn’t answer.

I laid it out for them that since September, they have stolen from me and acted out during nearly every class. Why would I reward them? They said it was unfair and that we could at least watch a movie before the break. I told them their class couldn’t afford to, and that day would be used for makeup work and re-dos.

I made them aware that the other classes do their work and haven’t given me trouble, so if they get a party, then it was earned.

One of the students who is fairly quiet and doesn’t give me a hard time in that class approached me and asked if she could be given a library pass for that period, and I told her I’d write her one the day before.

I guess word got around, and now I’ve been approached twice by students from that class saying that I’m being unfair to them and picking favorites, and that if my other classes get a party, so should they. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, I get it.

It’s very nice that you’re willing to give a pass to the nice kid because it sucks majorly being the good kid who always has to suffer because they got stuck in a class of bad apples. However… I would absolutely take extra precautions now.

There is no way this makes the kids any better. They’ll probably double down. Where before they were just being little poop heads, you’re now likely public enemy number one to them. Good luck, I really hope the rest of your school year is smooth.” justlemmeread

Another User Comments:

“Former teacher here: NTJ. Absolutely not. Horrific behavior doesn’t get rewarded with parties or special privileges. Not being rewarded is not a punishment – though they sound like they deserve a punishment, to be honest. They already stole the money that would go to a holiday party from you in my eyes.

Ignore their complaints and emotionally check out from that class – do your job with them and nothing more. Don’t engage in any further debates with them about favoritism and whatnot – no is no and leave it at that. They are experiencing the natural consequences of being awful in your class.

Let the one nice kid go to the library.” ichheissekate

2 points - Liked by BJ and lebe

15. AITJ For Not Being Happy About My Husband's Birthday Surprise?

“I (26 f) have a birthday tomorrow. My husband (34 M) had a day of surprises for me to celebrate my birthday. I’ve been telling him for months all I want is to sleep in, have help with the kids, take a shower by myself, and have help cleaning the house.

I don’t care about presents, a dinner, a party, anything. I did get to sleep in, but I still had to get up at 5, 8, and 10 am with our 6-month-old. He makes breakfast for only himself. Whatever. I get breakfast made for me and the kids.

I wanted to go to town with him and get some birthday freebies, but he kept insisting he wanted me to stay home because he had surprises for me to get. I was like ok cool, I’ll do it another day. I asked him just to please just hurry back.

After a few hours I FaceTime him because the baby has been crying for an hour straight, my other child is bouncing off the walls, and I’m just sitting there crying trying to survive. He is at a restaurant with his friends! And says he will hurry back but comes back 2 hours later.

On top of that, doesn’t even bring food back so I have to figure out lunch for me and the kids.

I ended up showering with both kids because it was the only way I would get a shower. He then leaves again to go to my mom’s to work on more surprises.

Finally comes back to watch a soccer game, so he can’t help with cleaning or the kids, and then leaves to go to town again for another surprise. I break down crying again because this isn’t how I want to spend my birthday, I’m literally spending no time with him, this day is literally like every other, and I’m still getting no help.

When it comes time for the party at my mom’s I did feel like a selfish jerk for complaining, but all of these ‘surprises’ weren’t surprises at all. He said I couldn’t go to town with him the first time because he didn’t want me to see the cake, but I picked the design so I already knew what it looked like.

The surprise he put together at my mom’s was the presents I picked out and bought, and then the last surprise he went to town for was to pick up pizza that I said we should have for dinner because I didn’t want to cook.

Not only that, but he was the first to leave the party because he wanted to be home to watch another game. I know how selfish this sounds, but is it too much to ask for me to be selfish for one day?

On my actual birthday, he has a soccer game for a rec adult league and the whole day will revolve around him.

It’s a championship game and they have stuff planned for literally the whole day. Also, his eating with friends is normally not a big deal at all. It just bothered me today because I ASSUMED he would want to spend my birthday with me.

I do appreciate everything he did. He keeps telling me that I always see the worst in him and that nothing he does is good enough. But on the other hand, I feel like I have the lowest expectations and he still struggles to meet them.


Another User Comments:

“You are NTJ, your husband should’ve ACTUALLY made the surprise stuff you didn’t pick out or now, and made it fun for you. Not to mention, he basically had you just doing your normal daily routine with a little surprise party or whatever at the end.

He saw you stressed the entire day and didn’t do anything about it, even though it was the day before your birthday and it should’ve been about you relaxing and him treating you right. All the stuff you actually wanted to do on your birthday wasn’t accomplished.” vy4u

Another User Comments:

“So you should get up early on his birthday and leave the house to plan surprises for him. Make sure your mom and in-laws will not take the kids. When he calls tell him you are getting your nails done so you look pretty for his birthday.

Then get a massage so you are relaxed for his birthday. Maybe some shopping for a new outfit so you look good for his birthday. Maybe drinks with your friends just because. Then meet him at his parents’ house for pizza. Sing Happy Birthday! NTJ, be good to yourself.” ComprehensiveOne3176

2 points - Liked by BJ and lebe

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LizzieTX 2 months ago (Edited)
NTJ. Next year, tell your @$$hole husband that you're planning your own birthday surprises. The first surprise is that you tell him, on the eve of your birthday weekend, that you will not spend your birthday with either him or the kids, that you're leaving that Friday afternoon to spend a weekend at a spa and pamper yourself, and will be back on the Sunday night to resume your normal routine. Make sure he doesn't have anything planned for that weekend, and keep tabs to be sure not to allow him to plan anything that weekend. That will show him how you feel better than words ever could. Good luck!
1 Reply

14. AITJ For Inviting My Sister To My 18th Birthday?

“I (17 M) turn 18 next month and my grandparents are helping me throw a party. My mom was asking about the guest list and mentioning my sister Jade (22 f) and quizzing me and my other siblings Jesse (20 m) and Jovie (16 f) on whether she is invited or not.

I have talked more openly to my siblings than my mom. I know she doesn’t want Jade to be invited.

Some background: My siblings and I lost our dad 14 years ago. Our mom remarried 8 years ago. Jade hated that mom remarried and was always distant and disinterested in our stepsiblings and stepdad.

She and mom argued all the time because mom would say we had more siblings now and a new parent and Jade told her she only had two parents and three siblings and our stepdad and stepsiblings were nothing to her. My stepsiblings were all younger than the rest of us so it hurt their feelings that Jade was so disinterested.

Mom put Jade in therapy and the fighting continued for years. It all got worse when Jade hung up a mural she made in her art class and it included Mom, Dad, Jesse, Jovie, and me. But not our stepdad or stepsiblings. Mom told Jade that it was incredibly cruel to treat them as if they didn’t exist. Jade told her it was in her room so nobody else should see it.

Mom told her that couldn’t always be helped and Jade told her to make sure the brats knew the rules and their feelings wouldn’t get hurt.

When Jade turned 18 she moved in with our grandparents. She and Mom don’t talk anymore but Jesse, Jovie, and I still talk to her.

We’re still close. We see her at least once a week. We also have sibling dinners at our grandparents’ house and stuff.

My stepsiblings were really upset about Jade and they don’t like when she’s mentioned because they see her as their sister but they also know she doesn’t care about them.

This is why Mom feels I should not invite Jade. She said I have younger siblings to think about and their feelings should be prioritized over my grown woman of a sister who made a choice to never give us a chance to be one family, and who chose to make our stepsiblings lesser siblings in her eyes.

I want Jade at my party though. She’s my sister and she’s honestly one of my favorite people in the world. She has been there for me through a lot of stuff. I told Mom that Jade was invited whether she liked it or not.

Mom told me I’m a minor in her home and I do as she says. I told her she’s not paying for this party though and she has no say in this, she does not get to make decisions for my party. Mom told me I was behaving like a little jerk and choosing Jade over my younger siblings.

She also told me I was speaking to her like she wasn’t my mom and she didn’t raise me and like I don’t still live under her roof.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It is your 18th birthday party and you get to decide on who is on the guest list and like you said you and your grandparents are organizing the party.

‘Mom told me I’m a minor in her home and I do as she says. I told her she’s not paying for this party though and she has no say in this, she does not get to make decisions for my party. Mom told me I was behaving like a little jerk and choosing Jade over my younger siblings.

She also told me I was speaking to her like she wasn’t my mom and she didn’t raise me and like I don’t still live under her roof’. This is your Mom behaving like a 3-year-old and throwing a paddy (tantrum) because she doesn’t like that you are standing up to her and choosing your big sister over her wishes.

At this rate, she will drive away her family. I am sorry that you and your siblings lost your dad at such a young age.” Myrren17

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your mum has made the same mistake many remarried parents make: They try with an iron fist to make one family as if there have been no traumatic events in the meantime.

They want everyone to accept the new family absolutely seamlessly. If they could completely erase the old family, they would. This is so wrong of them. The more the older children are allowed to cherish the memories of their first family, the greater the chances are that they will eventually grow to like the second family.

In other words, your mum is so out of line here, and by the sound of it, she has been for years. I am sorry you and your siblings are having to put up with this.” FragrantEconomist386

2 points - Liked by BJ and lebe

13. AITJ For Staying At A Hotel For The Holidays?

“I (31 f) have a progressive disability that causes flare-ups and fatigue. This means that I do have good days, but my bad days are becoming more and more frequent. On those days, the most I can do is sit up and maybe work on my computer.

Almost a year ago, I moved to a different state for medical care and to get a job that would be flexible with when I go into the office. I am very lucky that I can work at home (thanks to my doctor’s note) whenever.

All my work is on the computer and not physically taxing at all.

A few days ago, I flew home to my hometown for the holidays. Travel can be extremely difficult for me, and I was exhausted when I got to my parents’ house around 9 pm.

We had a nice conversation for about an hour, and then I said I needed to go to bed considering I would be working in the morning. My mother listed all of the things that I would need to do first including washing the sheets from the last person who stayed there, cleaning the guest bathtub and toilet that hadn’t been used most of the year, and unloading my suitcase because she doesn’t allow suitcases on the carpet.

I was wiped out, so I took my clothes out of my suitcase, found a blanket that seemed clean and fell asleep on top of the dirty sheets with it. In the morning, I did wash the sheets and bathroom.

When my mom got back from her voluntary shift (she is retired, but sometimes her old job asks her to fill in as a favor,) she started getting frustrated because the ‘house is in shambles and people are coming for Christmas!’ By this, she means my 2 brothers who always show up on the day of Christmas and leave shortly after, and her brother.

She proceeded to give me a list of chores to complete. I explained to her that I was having a flare-up and was exhausted by cleaning the bathroom but I could likely help tomorrow. She freaked out saying how she works so hard while the rest of us relax at home.

She proceeded to say that it’s not fair I just come for Christmas and ‘expect to be waited on’ when I have a job and work all day ‘just fine.’

I’m pretty used to this attitude from her, and it is why I don’t visit too often.

I tried explaining again about my chronic illness, but she continued to make passive-aggressive comments about how she would have to work on Christmas because nothing gets done. She told me in a rare sentimental moment in the past that she was in denial about my diagnosis.

Ultimately, I just couldn’t take it anymore and said that I would go to a hotel so she didn’t have to ‘wait on me.’

Staying in a hotel isn’t easy on me financially, but I did it anyway. My father called me explaining how upset I made my mother and that I needed to apologize.

Stress makes my illness worse, and right now all I can really do is lay here. However, I’m wondering if I really should go back and apologize and try harder to do the chores, even if they physically hurt. I do love her and want to help, it can just be really hard for me.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She is so very wrong. She knew (I assume) that she was hosting Christmas this year. She knew 365 days ago that Christmas would be coming up again. She should have been cleaning her own home in preparation for visiting family. It is NOT your responsibility to clean your parents’ house for them.

No, they could have cleaned it a little at a time or hired someone to clean it for them. Me personally, I would rest up and go back home. I, too, have a condition that exhausts me, and there is no way I would put up with that.

She should be apologizing to you for expecting you to clean her house for her. Nope. That is not how that works.” KittKatt7179

Another User Comments:

“NTJ in the least. I cannot imagine arriving somewhere, least of all at my parents’ house, and being told I have to change the sheets, clean the bathroom, and do chores.

Your mother is not only in denial about your diagnosis, she’s in denial that you are an adult who doesn’t live there anymore. She’s responsible for her home, not you! Good for you for going to a hotel. Don’t go to the house until Christmas Day when you know your brothers will be there, sit yourself down, visit with your brothers and when they leave, you leave.

So sorry your mother is still seeing you as an extension of herself instead of your own person with your own life. Best wishes! Take care of YOU.” ArreniaQ

2 points - Liked by lebe and pamlovesbooks918

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LizzieTX 2 months ago
NTJ but your mother? Actually both parents are massive jerks because your father clearly sides with her. Who invites someone to stay and then makes them clean their room and other parts of the house? Your mother is delusional and you did the right thing. And after that treatment, I'd be on the next plane home. Wow.
1 Reply

12. AITJ For Not Inviting My Cousin To My Wedding?

“My (27 M) life has moved on since I cut ties with my cousin, ‘Emily’. Our relationship turned toxic as she constantly belittled and undermined me at any chance she got. I’m talking about sabotaging my speech at graduation, hiding my keys so I would miss movies, emotional blackmail, and so on.

It gave me horrendous anxiety that turned into eczema and I decided to distance myself from her, and it’s been a relief not to deal with her drama for the past year.

Fast forward to the present, and I’m happily engaged to my fiancé. Recently, I received a message from Emily, expressing excitement about attending my wedding.

I was taken aback since we hadn’t spoken in almost 2 years, and I certainly didn’t invite her.

I reached out to my cousin, ‘Jake’, who has remained close to Emily, hoping to get some clarity. Jake confirmed that Emily assumed she was invited and was looking forward to being part of the celebration – and that she is family.

He suggested I consider letting her attend to avoid drama. I got mad at him and told him he was out of line.

Unsure of what to do, I decided to call Emily and discuss the situation. She seemed oblivious to our past issues and genuinely believed we were still close.

When I explained that our friendship had ended due to her behavior, she became defensive and insisted it was a misunderstanding.

Feeling frustrated, I told her bluntly that I didn’t want her at the wedding. She became emotional, pleading with me to reconsider, saying she had changed and deserved a chance.

She tried being toxic again by saying that I was purposely trying to ruin her life, that we’re family, and that all our family members would be disappointed in me if I excluded her and that’s not how family treats each other.

I, however, stood my ground, citing the toxicity of our past and my desire for a drama-free wedding.

After the call, I shared the details with my fiancé, who fully supported my decision. We decided not to invite Emily, prioritizing our happiness over potential conflicts on our special day. Jake, upset with my choice, claimed I should be more forgiving, especially considering the occasion.

My fiancé and I are standing firm, but I’m left wondering if I was too harsh. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“You were not too harsh. Emily was clearly dishonest. She thought you were still close after not talking for almost 2 years? Sure she did. First, she says that you thinking her behavior was a problem (wrecking your graduation speech, hiding your keys) were misunderstandings, and then she says she’s changed?

She kind of had to pick one. And finally, it’s back to toxicity. Behavior has consequences. And apparently, Emily’s behavior hasn’t changed all that much. Under no circumstances do you relent and invite this woman to your wedding. The rest of the family doesn’t get a vote.

You and your fiance say no. So it’s no. NTJ” Nester1953

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Why is her not being invited to the wedding of someone she hasn’t spoken to in a year ‘ruining her life’? That alone tells me everything I need to know.

NTJ for not inviting her. NTA if you decide to cut her from your life. It’s YOUR wedding. It’s YOU and YOUR WIFE’S day. You both are allowed nothing but happiness and no drama on your day and if you truly feel that she would dampen that and possibly even ruin it, then you have every right to tell her to kick sand.

Emily is a jerk for trying to make a wedding she’s not even the bride of about her.” Oddveig37

2 points - Liked by BJ and lebe

11. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go On A Spontaneous Trip With My Partner And His Friends?

“My partner, his brother, and his friends have been planning a skiing trip to Colorado for a few months.

My partner added me to the group chat about a month ago, I guess as an invitation or to let me know they were all wanting to go. The chat is entirely in another language and translating 1 or 2 comments takes me 30 minutes (because they write in English characters, so I have to translate into Asian characters by hand before I can google translate).

It looked like most people wanted to go in February, enough time for me to earn 2 days of PTO, but then this afternoon I found out everyone wanted a spontaneous trip tomorrow and we’d all go back home next week. I don’t have the PTO.

My partner keeps saying to just take unpaid time off and that’s what the higher-ups do to take their long vacations anyways. This is my first real job and it took me 1.5 years to land it after uni, so I’m hesitant to do anything that might get me fired.

I asked some basic questions. Where are we staying? How and when are we going and how and when do we get back? What are we going to eat? All met with ‘It’s okay. We’ll figure it out.’

Spontaneity is fine, though not preferred. Money isn’t the biggest issue.

Based on my calculations, if I went for the only day I could go, it would’ve cost around $500. The problem for me is the timing and the language barrier. Everyone can speak English, but they prefer speaking in their Native language, leaving me feeling like a third wheel.

When they speak English, it’s just to me. I’ve discussed this language barrier with my partner as this isn’t my first time feeling left out and his only solution is if I just learn his language to be able to talk with everyone.

For these reasons, I said I didn’t want to go but that didn’t stop my partner from going. My partner didn’t want to go without me and now everyone has canceled the trip because of me and kicked me from the group chat.

In the end, my partner asked me why I couldn’t just get along with his friends and asked why his being there with me wasn’t enough. Was I too dramatic? Should I have just gone?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – you said he could go and he didn’t want to.

Don’t let men tell you what is okay for you to do at work. It’s not professional to just not come back when you say you’re going to be there. Maybe the higher-ups do it – but, they are higher up. They don’t do it at my job.

Often the longer you are at a job, the more vacation you earn. Higher-ups are there longer, they earn more vacation. They are rude to speak in a language you don’t understand, especially if there is a common language they can speak.” MercuryRising92

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You are the scapegoat, not the reason. Your partner is not able or willing to see how awkward it is for you to be around people who exclude you from their conversations. How on earth are you supposed to ‘just get along’ with his friends under those conditions?

And he’s willing to blame you for HIS choice not to go without you. He doesn’t sound like he has your best interests at heart. Something doesn’t add up here. Presumably, the plan was for him to go without you before you were added to the chat.

By choosing not to jeopardize your job, you were in no way being dramatic, just responsible. He’s blaming you for his decision.” FiberKitty

2 points - Liked by BJ and lebe

10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Come To My Sister's Graduation?

“I (20 f) have a younger sister, Maci (18 f), who will be graduating high school in a few months.

Maci and I do not have a relationship. Growing up with her was a struggle and as an adult who no longer lives with my parents, I have not maintained any contact with Maci. This is something my parents understood and accepted until they mentioned wanting me home for the graduation and I refused.

I will clarify the bad relationship before going more into the issue. I always struggled with school. I had a hard time as a kid and was very late diagnosed with audio processing disorder and dyslexia. My grades were terrible for a long time and Maci was the opposite.

She didn’t really have to try to get good grades. She’s very intelligent and did great in school. She used to make fun of me and would call me dumb. She’d ask why I was so dumb and couldn’t even do her homework right. Sometimes she would switch our homework out so I would need to work extra hard and long.

I never noticed because of my struggles with reading. It was embarrassing and while she was punished, she never let up on me. It was all a big joke to her and she would tell me it was embarrassing to be my sister. She’d tell me how teachers would compliment her and say they were glad she was a better student than me.

She even brought this up around people outside of our home and really went the extra mile.

When I did eventually get diagnosed with learning disabilities, she called me a slur that starts with r and said I should quit school because I would always be dumb.

She also started to mock the way I was learning and trying to figure out how to read better. My parents eventually just separated us completely during anything school-related. They had us both in therapy. They punished her for it. But she would bring back up how embarrassing it was to be my sister.

It took a lot for me to graduate and my final grades were nothing special. She made a social media post asking if people should celebrate graduating if they can’t even get a C and have no hope for college. My parents were furious with her and they deleted her social media account for the stunt.

But it was my breaking point I think.

I walked away from the relationship with my sister and once I moved out did not speak to her like I said. My parents still feel like I should attend her graduation at a minimum because as she grows as a person I might regret it and she might feel like I no longer was open to a relationship at all.

They told me I could go for the ceremony at least and I asked them why I should leave my life to support someone who finds it so embarrassing to be my sister.

My parents argued that I’m older and should know people change a lot from their teens to adults.

They said it would be wrong for me to miss this big moment for my sister. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Protect yourself and your peace. Going ‘No Contact’ or ‘Low Contact’ with someone is a valid choice and your parents will have to respect that.

It’s ironic that they’re saying, ‘In case she grows in the future’, indicating she hasn’t grown now! I doubt your sister will even want you there, given how she’s treated you in the past.

It’s up to your sister to mend this relationship and apologize, not up to your parents to push you together nor up to you to make the first move.

It will understandably take a lot for your sister to mend this broken relationship if she even wants to AND if you even care to allow the attempt!” StellarPhenom420

Another User Comments:

“Your parents are saying people change, but has your sister actually changed? Has she ever acknowledged the hurtful things she said to you or apologized for being cruel and insensitive?

This sounds like your parents trying to keep up appearances by having the entire family present for a major life event or trying to live out some fantasy where everyone is close and gets along. If they’re concerned with the former, that’s explained easily enough by the fact that you no longer live in town; they could tell people you couldn’t take the time off work or some other excuse.

If it’s the latter, that’s something they will need to let go of. NTJ” Ajstross

2 points - Liked by BJ and lebe

9. AITJ For Wanting My Mom To Prepare For Retirement?

“I (28 F) rent a 3-bedroom house with my sister. We work remotely & pay for everything for all of 3 us. Rent, all other bills, the car, restaurants, even AMC A-List lol. We’re more than happy to pay for everything and don’t ask our mom (69 F) to pay for anything.

She gets $1k/month from her SSI.

The problem we have is that our mom still treats us like kids/teens. It’s like we have all the responsibilities of someone her age (because weren’t allowed to make mistakes & act our age) but none of the respect or perks/rewards.

We live in CA and are 1st gen Persians. So things are different in our culture. We had a roof over our heads after turning 18, & we want to take care of our parents (mainly mom) now.

Any time that we try to have our own independence or freedom in any situation that our mom doesn’t 100% agree with, she says we’re controlling her and are abusive.

Like every minor situation not to her liking leads to this.

Of course, we have our good times, too. I can’t deny that.

But I feel like I have to leave my room in the morning with a shield on.

Small example, she wakes up earlier than us on weekends and she always goes to bed earlier than us.

After work on weekdays, my sis and I play Xbox or draw, read, work out, go on our phones… etc. in the living room. Around that time our mom naps. Then at night, we’ll all watch a couple of episodes of TV together. Then our mom goes to bed, and my sis and I watch an episode of our own thing.

So after work & after our mom goes to bed, my sis and I try our best to whisper or talk low, keep the TV volume as low as possible… etc. Our mom gets mad if we don’t. But on weekends, when we’re sleeping in, she’ll call her family members and talk so loud on the phone that it always wakes us up and makes it hard to fall asleep.

If later we ask her nicely to talk lower, she’ll yell at us and tell us that we’re controlling and abusive.

I’m depressed (in general) & don’t clean after myself enough. So we pay a housekeeper to clean the whole house twice a month. She yells at us all the time because she does most of the dishes.

I completely agree with that, and I feel terrible. But is it horrible of me to think that it’s the only thing she does for us? We take care of almost everything else. And we don’t start fights ourselves. We only yell in reaction to her attacking/yelling at us.

So in a fight (I can never remember how they start because she’ll find any tiny reason to start one), she was, like usual, yelling at us about how we’re controlling abusive monsters. I broke and screamed back that I’m tired of being told what abusive monsters we are, and if we are, then why does she live with us?

I said that it’s not our fault she has no retirement plan and that when she treats us like this, she’s a burden on us because we can’t have the freedom of living alone.

I feel crazy. I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel stunted.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ. First, talk to your sister and tell her how you feel. That the current setup can’t continue. And what is she comfortable with that changing to? (Options like a new place with a separate unit for mom, all going separate ways, jointly insisting mom move to a retirement community, etc) You need a joint strategy to move forward.

I think part of the problem is there is no separation. You’re all together 24/7. You need to have breaks or it can never work.

It also doesn’t sound like you and your sister have individual lives. Don’t you want to be able to go out with friends, see other people, and find life partners?

If you and your sister decide that you can continue living with your mom you need to come up with rules and have a difficult conversation with your mom. Telling her that she isn’t in charge and needs to stop acting like that and that she needs to abide by certain house rules (quiet hours).

Explicitly state who is responsible for what. (Get a dishwasher). There isn’t yelling, if there is a problem then you can calmly discuss it.

If mom isn’t willing to agree to the rules or won’t actually live by them then tell her what will happen.

You won’t be able to continue living together. Has this always been mom’s behavior or is it new with aging? If new she needs to be assessed by a doctor. And you’re never too old for therapy.

In general, look into what services are available for Mom.

Perhaps there is an adult daycare locally, a retirement community with activities. Perhaps her getting out and about would be helpful.” AdGroundbreaking4397

Another User Comments:

“Sounds like your mom still wants to be the head of the household and not give you and your sister your independence.

I think it is time to sign up for senior housing for Mom. When Mom protests, remind her eventually you and your sister will be married to your own families. It’s best for her to be around people her age. You and your sister cannot be her whole life.

Your mom does not understand boundaries and continuing to live with her will make it difficult to establish and keep your boundaries. I feel for you. I am first-generation Chinese and it was really hard establishing boundaries with my parents. I had to live away from them to establish my independence.

Therapy helped me a lot. Please do not feel guilty.  Good luck!” Crazydogfostermom

2 points - Liked by BJ and lebe

8. AITJ For Uninviting My Own Mom From My Wedding?

“My fiance and I have been planning our wedding for over a year now, and I’ve been trying to keep my mom in the loop with everything that’s been going on. We live in Pennsylvania, and our families are in Kansas.

We’re planning to have the wedding in Kansas so that no one else has to travel all the way to PA. Because of this my mom and future mother-in-law are helping us get everything planned.

When I asked if my mom wanted to tour the venue, she said no, because she doesn’t like driving in Kansas City.

I told her that was fine and M.I.L. would tour instead. The tour went well, and we found a great place.

A few months later, I got a call from my mom asking why we didn’t ask her to go to the cake tasting.

I was confused because we hadn’t had a tasting yet, but she didn’t believe me when I told her that. We’d talked to her about what we might want for our cake, but we just hadn’t gotten around to scheduling anything.

So I scheduled a cake tasting and told her she could go, and even gave her all the combinations of cake and frosting we wanted to try.

A few weeks before the tasting I came out as nonbinary, because with all the wedding planning, my fiance wanted to make sure I was comfortable with phrasing during the ceremony, etc.

Well on the day of the cake tasting, my mom said she wasn’t going because she felt it just came out of the blue and she didn’t feel like she could be around people right after hearing I’m nonbinary. I told her that I was a bit hurt that I had planned the tasting for her to go, but I would just get my MIL to go instead.

A month after that, she called and asked how my wedding dress was coming along. I had picked it out right after the engagement because I just knew it was the dress. No one went shopping with me, because they were all in another state.

When I told her I was having it altered, she made a comment about how she was concerned that it wouldn’t fit. She’s always been quick to comment on my weight, and when I told her not to worry, she just said, ‘I’m happy you’re comfortable looking however, because I’d be so anxious about the dress being too small.’ I let it go and told her not to worry.

Last week she called and was mad because she thought my fiance and I had gotten married in a courthouse here in PA without her. When I told her that absolutely wasn’t the case, she went on a whole tirade about how I’m not including her in the wedding and she feels like I’m replacing her with my MIL.

We had a huge fight about it, because I had no clue where she was getting all this from, and finally I just told her she didn’t need to come to the wedding because it as clearly upsetting her. She got mad and said that I didn’t love her.

I told her that I had been trying to keep her involved, but she kept starting problems that didn’t need to be problems.

Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“I think you phrased it beautifully to your mother. She keeps making problems and not wanting to come to events or have input into things, and now she is complaining that she is being excluded?

It sounds as though you’ve been doing your best with a parent who is being deliberately combative and difficult.

NTJ for suggesting that if she’s finding the whole thing too much of a source of stress, she doesn’t have to come. Normally, I’d say that uninviting a parent from a wedding is pretty much a nuclear option, but in this case, it really seems as though she’s bringing so much stress that you have few other options.” wanderleywagon5678

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Do you understand that your mother is being passive-aggressive? It is a form of mistreatment. She refuses to be involved with the various wedding plans yet complains about being excluded. And then that jab about your dress fitting. That is exactly what being passive-aggressive is.

Throwing an insult wrapped in supposed concern. Or acting like the victim. You are much better off not having her negativity at your wedding. And frankly, I would keep her on low contact to no contact because she is going to try & cause problems in your marriage.” Straysmom

1 points - Liked by lebe

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LizzieTX 2 months ago
NTJ and you just need to cut ties with your mother and go no contact. You do realize that your mother is a narcissist and you'll never be able to please her, right? Sounds just like mine, who was never happy unless I was miserable, and when I was happy, she'd do her d@mndest to make me miserable. You can't win with someone like that, because even when they're wrong, they'll never admit it, and when they're right, you'll never hear the end of it. It's exhausting to deal with them and as I said, they will keep changing their position until you're ready to chew your wrists open. Much easier to go no contact and wish them well. The two years my mother and I didn't speak were the happiest and most relaxed of my adult life, just knowing I didn't have to be constantly on the alert for the next verbal onslaught from her. I'm wishing you that same peace and relaxation. Also wishing you a beautiful, drama free wedding and a long and happy marriage.
1 Reply

7. AITJ For Offering To Pay My Partner To Cook For Me?

“I’m a terrible cook, I don’t want to learn and my current job allows me to hire a cook who makes my food every week for me to store in the freezer. Obviously, I know how to make the basics like rice, noodles, and meat (I lived my college years based on this), but I prefer elaborate meals and I don’t want to cook, so that’s my luxury.

I’ve been doing this for 2 years and I’m great with it and I don’t plan on changing.

My partner (I’ll call her Mary) of 1 and a half years, when she found out about this, kind of made fun of me by saying that I should learn to cook so I wouldn’t have to spend so much, but it never went beyond that.

Recently, we were considering moving in together and we went to check our finances to see if everything was ok. She saw how much I spend each month on food and she was shocked.

She started to insist that this was an excessive expense and that it seemed financial irresponsibility, considering that all the money I spent could very well pay for a cooking course.

Besides, now there would be 2 people eating (the expense is not absurd considering my salary and 60 ready-made meals).

I said I was comfortable with this expense and that our finances wouldn’t be harmed by it, because in any case, her food was very different from mine (I don’t eat meat and she does).

She was insisting, saying that it was an unnecessary expense and I proposed that if she thought it was such a big expense, I could pay her to do it and it would be much cheaper for me and just give me a price for her time (she’s an amazing cook).

She didn’t like it, she said it was ‘weaponized incompetence’ transferring my task to a woman and my attitude was causing her to reconsider moving in together.

We’ve been at this for a few days.

I don’t think I’m doing it wrong, but I’d like to know.


Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. You are doing what works for you. I also do not think your partner is completely out of line either. If you are thinking about moving in together, you will have these kinds of disagreements. It is about compatibility.

However, there does come a point at which the argument needs to end.

As long as you can afford to have this service provided to you, and it does not impact your partner, she should accept it. (Believe me, if I could afford this option, I would also take advantage of it.) If you two marry, she will have better grounds to bring this up again, but for now, you have both made your opinions known, and she should back down.” User

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here, but I agree with her that it’s a yellow and maybe red flag. Whether or not you can really afford it depends on what you contribute to your retirement plans and savings and where else you’re cutting back. What are your future plans?

If you want to have kids, can you still afford this when you have to pay for their meals, and daycare, and contribute to a college savings fund? If you get invited to potlucks or holiday meals, will you always be able to buy something instead of making something?

You need to consider this from a ‘Can I afford a personal chef forever? Will it ever impact my family?’ You can do what you want with your money for now, but being in a relationship is usually a precursor to marriage. If she disagrees with your financial values, she’s right to reconsider moving in and continuing your relationship.” karivara

1 points - Liked by lebe

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MadameZ 2 months ago
NTJ; she is. There is NOTHING wrong with outsourcing domestic chores if you can afford to pay a fair price to the person you hire: this attitude that everyone *should* do shxtwork for moral reasons is ridiculous.
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6. AITJ For Looking At My Fiancee?

“My (37 f) fiancée (47 f), J, and I have been together for just shy of a year. We have had some ups and downs, but usually hash things out relatively quickly. J is currently not speaking to me and has asked that I sleep in a different bedroom.

She is, unfortunately, very insecure after enduring an unfaithful marriage for 18 years to a man who often belittled her and made her feel useless, so I try to always build her up and support her. I love her. She’s beautiful, hilarious, exceptionally stylish, and absolutely one-of-a-kind.

There are some eccentricities and quirks, which I mostly find endearing. It’s sometimes hard to believe J can be so insecure. But I know there are reasons behind it.

Anyway, J developed a stye on her eye a few days ago. It’s noticeable, but only if you’re within about 5 feet of her.

She’s a bit vain about her looks, so she gets very upset with any imperfection. So Sunday morning when we woke up, she must have looked at herself with her phone and thought the sty was getting worse. She told me not to look at her.

I was still groggy, having just woken up, and with my face still buried in the pillow, laughed and asked why not, thinking she was joking. She said the sty looks really bad and she doesn’t want me to see it.

I respected that and didn’t look at J’s face.

While nestled under my arm later, she asked me to order her an eyepatch from the pharmacy, so I did. (Yes, I suggested just putting on sunglasses, but she wanted the eyepatch.) We agreed to just stay in and have a relaxing Sunday at home (with the eyepatch, I guess).

While having our lazy Sunday morning in bed, she kept complaining about the sty and saying how terrible she looked. I said it can’t be that bad. It wasn’t really that noticeable when we went to sleep. Then I did something she didn’t like — I looked at her to assure her it wasn’t that bad.

She got so mad, stormed out of bed, and locked herself in the bathroom for nearly an hour.

When the eyepatch was delivered, I knocked on the bathroom door to let J know. She opened the door slightly and I gave her the patch. She put it on and came out of the bathroom and before I could get a word out, told me she was not talking to me.

It was a weird day being in the apartment, not talking, while she was walking around doing things with an eyepatch to cover a barely noticeable sty. Refusing to talk to me, she texted later in the day, telling me to sleep in a spare bedroom because I didn’t respect her boundaries.

I told her I was sorry and only wanted to assure her that she looked fine. She texted (because she was not talking to me), ‘I asked you not to look at me.’ She didn’t let me come to bed last night. But I went in this morning to say bye before leaving for work.

She let me kiss her on the cheek, but she wouldn’t look at me or say anything. I know it’ll all blow over when the sty has run its course. But AITJ for looking at her?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. This is not a matter of disrespecting boundaries.

NTJ. She made a ridiculous demand of you that you still respected. And then she said something self-deprecating and you tried to comfort her. How could she possibly be angry?! Depending on how severe her self-image issues really are I could imagine feeling bad and insecure.

But she’s blaming you and making you feel bad for her own issues. ‘Don’t look at my face’ is not a real boundary… it’s very sweet that you respected it anyway to make her feel better but one slip up and she gives you the silent treatment and kicks you out of your own bed?

This is very very weird and completely blown out of proportion. This is not how you treat your life partner. I would try to let the situation cool and not reach out to her until morning and then try to have a conversation with her about why this is not okay and she can’t treat you like a villain for ‘looking at your soon-to-be wife.’ If she’s unwilling to see how unfairly she’s behaving or change at all then I would reevaluate the relationship.

This is a huge overreaction and I would worry about her making you look like the ‘bad guy’ in future fights for new unreasonable boundaries and rules.” Available-Wonder7247

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. J’s expectations are unfair and her ‘punishment’ is far too severe. It’s truly hard to avoid looking at a person’s face when you’re talking to them because it is so ingrained in us to look at the person we’re conversing with.

You easily could have glanced at her by accident. She’s the one who was continually bringing it up, all while expecting you to avert your eyes for hours or days on end, and created trouble by talking about it incessantly because doing so sent the message to you that she was inviting discussion on the matter.

Ultimately, you upset her and that was accidental but the biggest issue here is her inability to get over it and her EXTREME reaction. This should have been a ‘Hey! I said don’t look at me!’ with a chuckle, not isolation/silent treatment/kicking you out of the room.

It’s time you set your own ‘boundary’ that you aren’t comfortable being ignored by your partner, that that’s not how partners act towards one another, and that you aren’t going to live through these punishing, miserable periods because she can’t handle a minor setback.” owls_and_cardinals

1 points - Liked by lebe

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MadameZ 2 months ago
FFS get OUT of this relationship. She's abusive and will get worse (yes, people who do not hit but who whine and cry and sulk when their unreasonable demands aren't met are also abusive).
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5. AITJ For Not Giving My Mom A Cut From The Sale Of "My" House?

“8 years ago my (only child, 35 f) dad died. My mom cried to my then-partner and me that she didn’t want to live alone and asked if we would move in with her.

We said that there was no way we could move into my childhood bedroom due to being a couple and that the commute for our jobs would be too far but that if she wanted to sell her house and buy one with us, we could do that.

So we did.

She put down the down payment for the house and paid for some upgrades and we paid for other upgrades. We split the bills in thirds.

3 years ago we had her stop paying bills at all so that she could save up to buy her own little home in a retirement community because our lives didn’t mesh well and she finally wanted to be on her own.

A year later she signed over the title of the house to us, we refinanced to take her off the mortgage, and she bought a new home for herself.

Now, 2 years later, my husband (35 m) and I are going to sell our home. We’ll be moving almost all of the proceeds from selling the current house as the down payment for the new house in order to make it affordable for us.

When my mom found out, she immediately wanted a percentage of the sale of the house.

I see the house as my inheritance because I never asked for or received any kind of other monetary inheritance from my dad’s death. She got his life insurance, his pension, and his military retirement pay which will both continue until she dies.

She’s retired.

I feel hurt and astonished that she feels entitled to money from this house and we said no, that we wouldn’t be able to give her money. My husband and I aren’t making any profit off of selling the house at all.

This whole thing isn’t surprising though as my mom has narcissistic tendencies.

But am I being unreasonable?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. First of all, you didn’t get an inheritance. Get over it. You’re not entitled to inherit anything, she is though, because she is his spouse.

Secondly, you offered to let her buy into a house with you and she sells hers and puts down your down payment on the house.

You aren’t even giving her the down payment back?

‘I feel hurt and astonished that she feels entitled to money from this house and we said no, that we wouldn’t be able to give her money.’ You surely feel entitled to the money she gave you all those years ago tho, you profited off her by saving the down payment and money on the upgrades she did for you.

You should have discussed this before she signed the title of the house over to you. The only entitlement here is yours.” thetempesthascome

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. First off, you don’t get an inheritance when one parent passes and the other survives them if they were still together.

Everything ‘he’ had was actually ‘theirs’ and therefore went from being ‘theirs’ to ‘hers’.

Second, she put a bunch of her own money into this house in the form of the down payment, repairs, and a portion of the mortgage for several years. That is the money that she parked into this asset.

You’re lucky she didn’t insist you buy out her share of the equity when she moved out and signed the deed over. She was a nice parent then. It was pretty nice of her to pay for the down payment as well as it sounds like you probably didn’t have the money yourself.

She got you into that house. And you dare to call her a narcissist? So yes, she absolutely deserves to get the money back that she parked into this asset to help you. It is not your money. You sound really entitled.” User

-1 points (1 vote(s))

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LizzieTX 2 months ago
NTJ. Yes, your mother put the down payment on the house for you, and the paid 1/3 of the bills for a bit, then stopped paying at your request so that she could put money aside for her own home and retirement. That's four years of 1/3 of the mortgage payments that she didn't make - a big chunk of change. Then she signed over her part of the home to you and you refinanced effectively buying her out of that home. At that point, all was good. You owned the house, free and clear, she had a nice chunk of change for her own home. So no, she gets nothing from the sale of YOUR home. I don't know why people think you should pay her anything at all. I would, however, stop referring to it as your "inheritance" though, because it clearly isn't. You made a business deal with your mother. Offer, acceptance, consideration. That contract has been completed and done with. The end.
1 Reply

4. AITJ For Telling My Mother-In-Law I Did Not Name My Baby After Her?

“I had an unexpected surprise of a baby. The baby was a girl. Unable to select a name, I named her after a woman that I look up to & admire. The middle name was my grandmother’s maiden name.

Unfortunately, the first name is the same as my MIL.

I found out that MIL was telling people she felt ‘honored’ to have a child named after her & said the change of spelling was to make it easier to differentiate between the two. As if a near-70 age difference would not be clue enough.

My oldest child, age 13, heard what the grandma was saying & corrected her multiple times. Finally, out of frustration, she came to me & said, ‘Since Dad won’t correct her, will you PLEASE shut her up on why my baby sister is named? Thank you.’

Upon this revelation, I decided to play the long game. I visited the woman my child was named for and made a social media post. I also used this photo as a birth announcement.

I included the name, date, time, weight, and length. Those ones went to those who did not hear the whale of a tale the MIL was spinning.

On the cards for #TeamMIL, I included the above information & wrote how I appreciated my daughter & how lucky I was able to name her after my prominent role model of First Name Last Name.

MIL & FIL called to chew me out because MIL was upset.

I said, ‘As my older children repeatedly clarified the baby’s name origin & you chose to continue to tell this story, I felt it was necessary to share. Also, if you do not understand the information shared; please clarify. Thank you.’

I then hung up the phone.

I informed my husband of what transpired. He claims to not know this had occurred. My two oldest then listed times his mother told the story & he did nothing. He was angry with me & kids we should have just let her say whatever.


Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. Did the baby just show up on your doorstep? You had around 8 months to figure out a name for what seems to at least be your second child. You then chose the same name as your MIL. If I had chosen to name my daughter Catherine after my favorite of Henry VIII’s wives but my MIL was named Kathryn, you can see why she might think the name would be a tribute.

Your husband probably should have clarified the name’s origin. Your MIL should have kept quiet about the name. But mostly, YOU made this mess with the name choice and need for pettiness.” No_Bed_2437

Another User Comments:

“Sounds like you and your kids need to find something better to occupy your time with.

Who really cares, and you’re really going to allow your children to treat their grandparents that way? It only bothers all of you because you want a reason to fight with your MIL, these are measly ramblings of an old woman and you and your kids are wasting your life away fighting over dumb stuff like this.

This behavior is not good. You need to teach your daughter to learn her place and stay there. That whole ‘My sister’ spew is just an excuse to act badly in winning her daddy’s approval in treating her mother’s mother like crap and overstepping her boundaries as a child.

Stop allowing your children to fight your battles like a coward. Meanwhile, your baby is growing up unnoticed because the entire family is too busy fighting with Grandma over your name. If your MIL wants to be petty, let her. She’s an old woman with nothing better to do.

What’s your excuse?” britl3r

-1 points (1 vote(s))

3. AITJ For Not Picking My Son Up From His Dad's House?

“My son’s father and I have visitations set up to which he gets him every other weekend.

This weekend is his weekend with our son. We both live in NYC, but he lives in the Bronx and I live in Queens. Everything my son does is in Queens. School, tutoring, and extracurriculars. His dad has been complaining that he has to come to Queens and pay tolls.

Recently my son has soccer on Saturdays, and his dad picks him up on Friday after school on his weekends. He complained that he doesn’t want to travel to Queens 3 times during the weekends he has to take our son to soccer. I told him that if he didn’t want to take him to soccer, that would have to be a decision he had to make.

I reached out to him on Friday and asked if he was going to take him, and no response. The soccer school offers make-up classes on Sunday, and wouldn’t mind taking him on Saturday and Sunday on my weekends.

Today, I reached out to my son on a 3-way call with my mother, and my mom asked him if he went to soccer Saturday.

He said no because his dad was having car issues. He said his check engine light came on and his car was wasting a lot of gas. I already had the thought of picking him up today just for a courtesy. His dad told me ‘My car has issues, you’re gonna have to come and pick him up’.

Something about someone telling you what to do when you already planned to do it just sets me off more. I said okay no problem.

He reached out to me and told me to come at around 7 pm so he could give dinner to our son and he could watch a movie.

Cool. But what set me off was that he gave me the address to his partner’s house in City Island. He lives with his parents in the Bronx. To get to City Island is like traveling to another island from another city. It was inconvenient and it was raining.

Annoyed, I told him that for someone who has car issues, he went to City Island, and I showed him a screenshot on the Life 360 app of our son moving from his grandparents’ location to City Island. I told either he goes back to his parents’ house for me to pick him up or he drops him off at school tomorrow.

He claimed I was being a jerk and was crying. I for one don’t think it’s fair to ME.

He wanted to put an ultimatum earlier that I needed to pick up my son from the Bronx every other Sunday or if not he was going to drop him off at school Monday if I don’t come.

He claims he’s not coming to Queens. I said I don’t care, it’s the same thing, you will have to come to Queens anyway. He appeared to have felt dumb and didn’t respond either.

He doesn’t pay child support, pay for extracurricular activities, and only paid for tutoring once.

I’m basically the one who helps with homework, pays all of our son’s expenses, takes him to school, and buys him his necessities. I don’t find it fair that I need to overextend myself more when I’m basically the one doing everything.

Anyways, AITJ for refusing?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. His time, his problem. Yes, it would be nice of you to grab your son, as it’s YOUR son, and ultimately your son is the one stuck in the middle of you two’s crap. As a mother, I would be taking my child back, and letting him know that if he doesn’t figure it out or make an agreement, then I will be taking it back to court.

I would be making the court set a halfway meeting point. Then it’s on both of you. Should even things up a little.” GuiltyPick

Another User Comments:

“YTJ – Your ex is the jerk too! But, the reason YTJ is that you are getting hung up on what’s ‘fair’ for you rather than solely focusing on what is best for your son.

Having his schedule be unpredictable isn’t good for him, so you getting in a power struggle with his dad is not good for him. His dad sucks. It’s not fair, but you are the grown-up. You basically need to suck it up, stop worrying about fairness, and do right by your kid!” Curiosity919

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. His gas and car wear/tear is the minimal child support he can provide. If it’s a struggle to back and forth, can he arrange other visits around soccer school? Is it year-round? I will say if you’ve stacked his schedule so it’s impossible for him to get a completely free weekend with his son, that IS kind of unfair.

If son loves soccer, it’s difficult, I wouldn’t want him to have to stop, but is there a way to move the classes?” emptysthemepark

-1 points (1 vote(s))

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LizzieTX 2 months ago
NTJ and tell your lazy @$$ed ex to stick to your custody agreement or back to court you'll go, to revisit custody AND child support. Sheesh.
1 Reply

2. AITJ For Yelling At My In-Laws To Get Out During Family Dinner?

“A few days ago, my wife, Amy, (36 f) and I (35 m) hosted a small family dinner at our house. The guest list consisted of only three people; my mom (65 f) and my wife’s parents, Bob and Nancy (62 m and 62 f).

We made a nice dinner that consisted of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, peas, mac and cheese, and bread rolls – think typical Southern comfort foods.

My mom brought a pie and my in-laws brought a salad.

We were all having a nice time and enjoying the food (Bob and Nancy only took peas, mashed potatoes, and salad, but no one really took notice). The conversation was very light and cheerful at first, but the atmosphere became very uncomfortable once my in-laws started discussing nutrition.

They were pointing out why the foods at the table were unhealthy, criticizing everything, all those diet-culture shenanigans. I was trying to politely get them to cut it out, for the sake of everyone else and especially my wife, but they kept going.

The final straw was when Bob turned to Amy, who was having a bread roll and said, ‘Do you know how many calories are in that?

That’s nothing but carbs. Nothing but quick energy that’s all going to end up being stored as fat.’ I was livid. My wife has been struggling with an eating disorder. She is almost fully recovered from now. My in-laws know about this, and yet they still choose to make such comments and target her and her food choices.

I was so mad that I literally yelled at them to get out, I escorted them out the door and slammed it in their faces.

I now think I was overreacting. My wife doesn’t have a problem with the way I stood up for her, but she does see that it is rather rude.

Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – the audacity to go to someone’s house for a meal and to critique every item that was prepared for you? I don’t care if it’s family, that’s just so rude and that’s not even taking your wife’s past eating disorder into account.

Good for you for standing up to your wife. You tried to politely steer the conversation away from their crap but they insisted on being jerks so you did what you had to do.

It’s obvious where your wife’s eating disorder stems from and they attacked her in her own house.

How old are they? Have they never been to dinner parties before? Or even just out in the world interacting with people? They have no idea how to behave.” Sea-Drama8760

Another User Comments:

“That was a very heavy meal to serve to guests. Not just unhealthy but also hard on the digestion as you get older.

I’m only 41 and I can’t get that combination of foods in one sitting without feeling very unwell so I imagine it must be worse for those in their 60s. So I do think you planned the meal poorly.

However, your in-laws still shouldn’t have said anything beyond that they were unable to eat the carb/fat heavier foods.

Yes, it’s a bit rude to serve such a heavy unbalanced meal to elderly ppl who probably can’t even digest it but it’s much ruder to comment and lecture others on nutrition so NTJ but please plan dinners better. If you served me that (and I’m not a health freak, just middle-aged digestion) I would have been unhappily picking at the food as well.” throwAWweddingwoe

-2 points (2 vote(s))

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LizzieTX 2 months ago
Absolutely NTJ and pay no attention to food shamers like throwAWweddingwoe who think it's appropriate to go to someone else's home and criticize their food choices. If your manners are that lacking that you insult your hosts, you shouldn't accept invitations. And if you're insulting your family's food choices, that won't be a problem because it will probably snow in he!! before you get another invitation. You are a rock star for defending your wife against her heinous parents and I think you showed admirable restraint for not grabbing them both up by the scruff of the neck and tossing them out on their @$$e$. Well done you!
1 Reply

1. AITJ For Thinking It's Not My Duty To Take Care Of My Elderly Mom?

“I (33 F) got married last year to my husband (34 M). We’ve talked for some time about living overseas. He wants to sit the NY Bar exam and we thought about doing a couple of years there for work and seeing whether we will want to move back.

For background: I was raised by a single mum (72) who came from a foreign country. She invested a lot in me but had led a very insular life. Since my father left before I was born she has not been in a relationship since or connected with a local community or expat community here.

She refuses to and says she likes her own company. That’s cool, but she is intensely attached to me as a result. Therapists have mentioned she has some narcissistic traits and has given me mixed signals about my value all my life ie my beauty is the most important thing, but also that an education is more important.

Or settling down is boring. But I should live nearby, etc.

Back to the present: I went over to my mum’s house to talk about our plants in an offhanded way. I mentioned we wouldn’t move until our sweet old cat passed away.

My mum was enraged and said, ‘What about me?’ And then accused me of caring about my cat more than her. She said it was my duty to take care of her and not ‘float around’ the world. That it was my moral duty.

I got upset and asked her if I had to pause my own future to make her happy. She disagreed but continued to attack me and say ‘Everyone is the same, this is a good place to live’.

I had enough and left. We haven’t really spoken in days.

I have a lot of guilt about this. I know on the one hand she’s my mum and I want her to be safe, but on the other hand, I want to live my life as I choose. I nursed her back to health when she had cancer 5 years ago.

This took a heavy emotional toll on me which she doesn’t like to acknowledge.

AITJ for storming out and refusing to comply and support her?”

Another User Comments:

“I have a lot of sympathy for your mother. Research has now shown that aloneness has a negative effect on health, even if the person doesn’t FEEL lonely.

An aging parent benefits a lot if their children live close enough to visit frequently (just to be physically present and be pleasant on a fairly regular basis), to oversee their medical care, make sure their caregivers (if they need caregivers) are not neglectful, etc. That said, your mom is not doing what she COULD do to help herself because she is relying on only you for her social needs rather than putting herself out there to make new friends.

To be fair to her, it is really difficult to make friends as we get older. It’s not difficult to meet people to hang out with casually, but you’ll never really be close to them. Once people have their own kids, their primary loyalty is to their spouse and kids.

It’s not true for every single person (some people aren’t even loyal to their kids) but for most people, it’s how it works.

People will throw you under the bus if it will help their child. So as an aging single mom of one child, it might be hard for her to develop a friendship group that is willing to be supportive of her when you move away, even if ‘supportive’ just means them making sure to make time to see her regularly.

At the same time, she isn’t even trying. And, you have a right to live your life and you SHOULD live your life. NTJ.” Reasonable-Sale8611

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. There’s something called filial piety, which American culture sorely lacks. It’s an awareness that we do not exist and live our lives in a vacuum, but in connection with others, and that we have some sense of debt and obligation to the people who brought us into this world.

It’s a myth that we’re individuals and that our actions don’t affect others. We create meaning through those connections and honoring them.

Your mother basically sacrificed her life to make you who you are – sure you didn’t ask for it but that doesn’t mean you are scott-free without responsibility.

We create meaning in our lives. Basically, you could create meaning around your relationship with your mother or you can disregard it and lack that meaning. If you do it, you will likely find it not nearly as satisfying as being there for your mother.

I guess the question comes down to what are you really looking for. There are many many stories where the treasure is buried right under where you’re sitting the whole time while you go off on a quest around the world to find it.

It’s not like you can’t have a fulfilled meaningful life wherever you’re at. Chasing your tail and floating around the world as your mother put it is basically the opposite of creating meaning. She is absolutely right that you are evaluating your relationship with your cat and considering that more than you’re considering her.

That’s pretty insulting.

Also if your husband wants to sit for the New York bar then living overseas makes zero sense. You might want to chalk it up to a nice fantasy that doesn’t play out well practically in your reality.” WellWellWellthennow

-3 points (3 vote(s))

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MadameZ 2 months ago
NTJ. You do not owe it to your mother to sacrifice your life and your relationship for her (your husband doesn't owe your mother anything, certainly no duty to put HIS life on hold to indulge his mother in law). She's chosen to make nothing of her life and guilt-trip you into living an equally miserable, narrow life for her benefit. If you can afford to contribute financialy towards her care in her final years, that's nice, but you do not have to nurse her.
4 Reply

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