People Aspire To Be Better After Telling Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
19. AITJ For Being Upset At My Partner For Always Putting His Mom First?
“I (f 23) and my partner (M 24) have been together for almost 2 years now, he’s always been an amazing partner, very caring and loving, we’re just waiting on him to finish uni and find a good job to tie the knot. I know he’s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, but lately, I believe whatever his mom or sister asks of him, even if it is something TOTALLY non-urgent, comes before an urgency of mine, and I don’t know how to feel about it.
Insight, my mom recently passed away, ran over by a bus, and all over the news, I can’t go to the store without some rando neighbor coming up to me to talk about it or about my mom, my dad, and grandma also already passed so it’s been very hard.
I’m basically alone now.
Every time I ask him to go with me to do some kind of paperwork regarding her death, he always has something to do in his house with his mom, and these things don’t always make sense.
His mom had a hernia fixed about the same time my mom passed, a few weeks ago.
Keep in mind he has 2 sisters and a DAD.
The other day I had to go to the scholarship office and explain why I’ve been absent for so long during midterm and ask for them to take my situation into consideration and not take the scholarship away.
I asked him to go with me since I KNEW I was going to cry, every time I talked about the accident I felt like I wouldn’t be able to stop crying, so I didn’t want to be alone. He couldn’t make it on time, because:
Him: ‘My mom asked me to do the laundry and she asked me to finish it, she’s my mom, I have to help her and you know I can’t say no to her so I had to watch the machine until it was done and then hang the clothes’.
He didn’t go with me because he was doing the laundry.
I asked him if his sister couldn’t have hung the clothes when she got there, which ironically would’ve been a little after the laundry was done. He said, ‘No, because I wanted to finish everything, she’s my mom’.
We had an argument about this and I ended up being the one getting mad for everything, as always.
Today it happened again, he hasn’t been coming to see me as often because he’s in finals, so I asked him if, after his last exam, he was going to come to spend the night, as he used to do before finals and his mom’s procedure and he said, nonchalantly ‘Oh no, my mom told me to go pick up a Christmas basket’.
This is where I want to know if I am the jerk, I got upset at the fact that a Christmas basket was more important to him than me, just because his mom told him to, he didn’t even try to compromise and ask if he could pick it up before or the day after or something, he just said “Okay’ without thinking about me for a single moment.
Asked him if his sister couldn’t go pick it up ‘I don’t know, didn’t ask, I think she’s going out.’ I don’t know, can’t she like pick it up before or after going out? Because once he goes to their house he won’t be able to come to mine, since he doesn’t have a car & we don’t have buses at night.
So please AITJ?
He knows I need him to stay the night most times since it’s just too much lately, all of their stuff here without them and it’s nice having him here by my side when I feel like I can’t take it anymore
He’s a good man and a good partner, he has shown it time and time again before this, it’s just now that my mom’s death and his mom’s procedure happened so close to each other that he doesn’t seem to know when to prioritize whom and where he should draw a line.
He believes that honoring his mom and giving her the world is the least he could do after she raised him, and even though he has his sisters and dad he wants to do every chore by himself because he’s the son and he should be able to do it because he’s just focusing on his last subject and thesis at the moment (not working but also w/full ride scholarship ), so he feels he has to make up for it.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. ‘He’s a good man and a good partner, he has shown it time and time again before this, it’s just now that my mom’s death and his mom’s procedure happened so close to each other that he doesn’t seem to know when to prioritize whom and where he should draw a line’.
No, he’s not a good man or partner. He knows where to draw the line… and you’re not that important. He’s a jerk who can’t put you first. Why? Because his mom is more important to him. So are things like Christmas baskets.
I watched my dad put his mom ahead of my mom for a long time until Grandma died. If that’s the kind of life you want, stick with this guy.” YepIamAmiM
Another User Comments:
“NTJ in the least. I’m sorry, but a good man and a good partner wouldn’t put his mommy’s laundry above his partner going through possibly the hardest and most traumatic point of her life. Are you okay with being third-best for the rest of your life, without your mom there to support you?
You know if you have children with him, it’s entirely possible he’s going to insist his mom be there OR even maybe miss the birth of his own child because his mom stubbed her toe and needs help picking a tissue off the floor? He’s shown you that you don’t matter to him.
Please believe him.” komatsujo
18. AITJ For Wanting To Keep The Rule In Our Friend Group About Not Talking About Kids?
“Our friend group (F, 30s) gets together about once a month.
A few years ago, certain group members began trying to conceive. One of the first ones to start trying was ‘Katie.’ Unfortunately, Katie and her husband had difficulty conceiving. This was understandably very difficult for them.
Once other members of the group started having kids Katie asked us to not talk about kids at our monthly get-togethers because it was difficult for her to hear. She also made it clear that she would not attend any baby showers. The rest of our group had mixed feelings about this.
We understood that Katie was very upset about her difficulties conceiving but it was disappointing to not be able to share important parts of our lives. We generally go around and everyone talks about what’s new in their lives (work, promotions, hobbies, etc.) but whenever one of us was on maternity leave we could basically only say ‘Everything is good’ because we couldn’t talk about the main thing happening in our life.
That said, now that our kids are older and we are all back to work/have time for hobbies we have started to enjoy having a dedicated time for ‘no kids talk.’ It is something that we have even come to look forward to.
Fast forward to now and Katie and her husband are pregnant, which is very exciting. She is nearing her due date and planning to take at least a year off to stay home with the baby.
That’s enough background so now to the point.
Last night two other members of our group and I got a text from Katie’s husband saying that she is really upset that we barely ask her about her pregnancy when we see her and that no one has offered to throw her a baby shower.
At first, we were surprised to hear this. We do text Katie at least weekly to check in on her, we just don’t talk about it at our monthly hang-outs (she has been talking about it in her updates but no one has asked any follow-up Qs about the pregnancy and we more focus on her other updates).
We talked to the rest of the group (except for Katie) and the general vibe is that we want to keep the no-kid-talk rule in place and it feels a little rude that Katie expects us to when she is the one who made the rule in the first place
Would we be the jerks if we kept our traditions? We also don’t feel like we have time to plan a shower with the holidays happening. It sounds like no one wants to go through the stress of planning a shower when Katie didn’t even go to theirs.
Are we the jerks for sticking to our tradition even though the original reason no longer applies?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She was the first one to put the rule in place. Although I understand the idea of giving a friend a little grace when they have rough infertility problems (assuming that all of you were able to talk among each other without Katie’s presence), that is not something that could be sustained in time or forever.
You didn’t say how long the rule was in place, but if it was for years, it was insane. And it was rude of Katie to assume that every one of you could read her mind and assume that the rule was broken without even talking with you first. You couldn’t know.
Even with her pregnant, many women I know who had trouble with pregnancies wanted to keep the successful one quiet because they were worried about something going wrong and preferred to talk about something else to keep their minds away. So Katie is the jerk for enforcing the rule for a long time, for not talking to you all and assuming things, and for complaining about a baby shower and ‘lack of interest’ when you have been inquiring about her health and nobody is owed a baby shower.
Regarding keeping the rule, if you all agree to it, that is fine, but I will advise you against doing that because Katie didn’t want you to talk about kids before, mostly because if you all have kids now, even if they are older than Katie’s, there will still be problems and milestones you might want to discuss amongst each other like you might have wanted to do when Katie had her rule in place.
Maintaining it only because you couldn’t share this information before will punish all of you in the long run, not just Katie, so I would think about it (again unless all of you really want to keep it in place because you don’t want to talk about kids for a little while in a month or something; if that is the case, it is completely fine, and majority rule, but I have the impression that you all want to keep it in place so Katie gets a taste of her own medicine, and that is going to be detrimental to all of you too).” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Now that Katie is finally pregnant, she wants to be able to talk about it freely while the rest of you had to hide one of the most important things in your lives.
Pregnancy isn’t just about the eventual birth! Your body goes through so much physically and mentally and what if one of you NEEDED that monthly visit for support in person for something that was related to being pregnant?
You had to keep quiet! Well, now she does too. You’re being there for her, just not at the get-togethers where SHE made the rules.” PanickedAntics
17. AITJ For Not Liking My Fiancé's Haircut?
“I (31f) have been with my fiancé (35m) for almost 6 years. When we met, his hair was medium-length. He has curls that are to die for. Think Adrian Grenier from Entourage but dirty blonde.
I’ve always been into beauty and fashion, I even took some cosmetology classes in the past. I’d say I’m pretty hip to what hairstyles go with different face shapes and things like that. My fiancé has had to wear his hair a bit shorter for work, which makes sense and it looks fine.
He still has a few inches of curls and is really cute!
However, about a month ago, while I was out of town, he cut his hair down to less than an inch and took some clippers to the sides and the back in an attempt to create a fade.
He’s never done this before. He couldn’t even see the back of his head. My reaction was like ‘OMG, what did you do?’ It didn’t look terrible but it was a huge change. He is a very attractive man, but he has some larger features, and having super short hair accentuates them (no shame in that, I have a long face so I have a fringe and wear my hair in ways that balance things out).
Again, it wasn’t horrible and he’s always going to be attractive to me – but the haircut didn’t suit him in my opinion and it was hard for me to hide my shock when I saw it.
Being a dude who is clueless about beauty and fashion, he didn’t see the big deal but recognized that I didn’t like it and we kind of laughed it off.
He joked about me disliking his short hair. There were no hard feelings, it’s just hair. It was clear that I loved him no matter what but that I didn’t like that haircut. Again, this was a month ago, so it’s grown out some, and people we haven’t seen in a while are still saying ‘Woah, you cut your hair!’ Just to give you an idea about how drastic it was.
So today, he mentions that he wants to cut his hair short again and shave his face. I jokingly said ‘Nooooo!’ Then followed it up with ‘Haha do what you want to do, I’ll love you no matter what but I would be happy if you never used clippers on your hair again.’ He shut down and said ‘Yikes.
Point taken. I have to go.’
I didn’t think this was a sensitive subject, so I was being playful when expressing my dislike for this idea. Maybe I’m just a jerk, but I’m sitting here wondering what kind of reaction he was expecting. Maybe saying ‘I’d be happy if you never used clippers again’ was harsh, but I was coming from a playful place.
I wouldn’t have phrased it like that had I known he was feeling sensitive about it but because we made jokes in the past, it didn’t feel wrong to say.
Now I’m wondering if I should have just said nothing & just let him express himself however he wants and I’m putting too much importance on physical appearance?
Or if I was ok to express that something isn’t exactly a turn-on to me? I apologized for coming across too harsh but now I’m doubting myself for even caring in the first place.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. The lesson here is that whatever you said in a ‘playful tone’ when you first saw his hair until today, did not sink into him as a real comment or a serious preference.
Otherwise, he wouldn’t have said he was going to cut it again. If it mattered to you, then at some point in the last month you should have said to him in all seriousness, ‘I would like it if you let your hair grow out the way it was before,’ and maybe follow up by using some of your skills to help him make it look as good as possible while it grows out.
I’m sure if it’s grown out a month, it now looks worse than a month ago and not as good as it did before. So he wanted to make it look better, and you can’t grow it out in one day.
My wife knows I prefer her hair longer.
She grows it out and then wants a change and cuts it short. But she expects me to notice her new haircut and say ‘It looks good!’ every time because there’s no point in going over it again. Perhaps because of that, I can’t get her to tell me whether she likes me better with the beard I’ve been wearing for ‘Brovember.’ So I have no idea whether she would be happy or sad if I shave it off tomorrow.” 1962Michael
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, unintentionally. I can see that you weren’t trying to be hurtful, which is what I would think of as typical jerk behavior. But it’s clear that you were. Get him something small to apologize like dessert you both like to share or something.
When he comes back, say: ‘Hey, I am sorry about my earlier comment. I definitely was just joking around and thought we were being playful. But I obviously hurt your feelings. So while yes, I do prefer your hair a bit longer, I still find you really hot with short hair.
It’s your hair and you’re the one that has to manage it and its upkeep. If you want to go short, go for it.’ Just like you thought you were being playful, he probably thought you were too. Maybe he didn’t realize how much you didn’t like it, and was caught off guard.” PracticalPrimrose
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – he had already set the tone that this was an okay thing to joke about because he had previously joked that he didn’t think you liked it. I think it’s fair to be sensitive about your partner not liking a certain aesthetic choice but it sounds like he also didn’t properly communicate that this was something that was sensitive to him.
I think you should apologize for this time and maybe add that if something is bothering him in the future, he should let you know in the moment instead of laughing it off, otherwise, it is very difficult to be conscious of his feelings.” Zucchini15
I have a husband who is a bit older than me, and for that reason is phobic about seeing grey in my hair. I would be a lot more salt than pepper if I stopped coloring my hair, so to placate both him and myself, I color it, but it's deep, dark purple rather than my natural brunette, and very wavy. I'm in the process of growing it down to my waist, because I can. I know it's not his favorite look for me, but hey, I accommodated him on the "no grey" thing, so if I'm coloring, I'm coloring to suit myself, and styling to suit myself. It's called a "compromise" and it's the only way to have a relationship that is respectful and kind as well as fun and loving. You need to familiarize yourself with both that word and the concept and put them into practice. Good luck.
16. AITJ For Wanting My Godson To Apply To The University I Want For Him?
“My godson is a high school junior, and next semester he’s going to start sending out college applications. It’s been decided for his whole life that I was going to be paying for his college tuition and that’s more or less the reason that his parents made me his godmother, but my godson didn’t know I’d made this agreement with his parents until this week.
So this week my godson and I were talking about his college plans and he said he wished he’d known I was doing that for him so he could’ve thought of a good way to say thank you. I told him that I’d like him to consider applying to a certain university.
The only reason I want my godson to apply to this university is because once upon a time it was my dream to attend that school, but I let my high school guidance counselor talk me out of applying and I’ve always regretted it.
It would make me very happy to see my godson get accepted to this university even if he decides afterwards he’d rather go somewhere else. I know that’s a little silly but I think it’s harmless, especially because he’s not emotionally attached to the school and won’t be upset if for whatever reason his application is rejected.
However, when my godson’s parents found out I’d asked him to apply to this school they were upset, mostly his mother. She’s adamantly against him applying there because in her opinion it’s too far away and she’s afraid that if he gets accepted he might upend his current plans and choose to go there instead of a closer school, and she said that it’s crappy of me to be giving him what’s supposed to be a gift with strings attached and holding money over his head.
I disagree that I’m attaching strings because I only brought it up when my godson specifically asked me what he could do as a thank-you gesture, and I don’t think I’m holding the money over his head because I’m not saying that I’ll only pay for school if he applies here or if he enrolls here.
I’ll pay for his tuition no matter what college he attends and I’ve never suggested otherwise.
But AITJ for asking that my godson apply to this particular university? I think his parents are overreacting because of their own baggage but I can somewhat understand that they might have a point about it not being the right thing to have said, I could’ve told my godson that he didn’t need to do anything special to thank me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re paying a lot of money for his education, I think it’s fair to ask him to apply somewhere as long as there is no expectation for him to actually go there if he gets in. Having more options is not a bad thing.
It’s wild that some people in this thread expect you to pay for some other person’s child’s college education with absolutely no strings attached.
My dad said he would pay for my college if I went to a state school. I had plenty of opportunities to go to a more expensive school, but I wanted my college education paid for so I went to a state school.
I’m sure any kid would apply to a specific school if it meant their college was paid for. That’s a no-brainer especially if there’s no expectation of actually going there.” MetaMetagross
Another User Comments:
“Testing my understanding… You are paying the full college tuition for your godson with no limitation on cost and no expectations of anything in return.
Your godson expressed a desire to do something to acknowledge his appreciation and you suggested he apply to a specific school… not attend that school, just apply… And his parents are upset with you and don’t want him to apply in case he decides to go there, but you’re the bad guy?
I would think that his parents would want him to get the best education possible while giving him the agency to decide what that would be. Applying to the school doesn’t mean you have to attend if you even get in. You indicated that he has a top-choice school and that your expectation is that he will attend said top choice.
Unless I’m missing something, NTJ.” Humble_Pen_7216
15. AITJ For Refusing To Move In With My Partner If Her Dog Will Be Living With Us?
“My partner Lisa (27F) and I (28M) have been together for two years and discussing moving in soon. The main disagreement we have is about her dog, Coco.
Lisa had Coco for six years before I met her, so needless to say they are very attached to each other.
I’ve never been a pet person, I’ve just never had one growing up and I also migrated from a country where there are a lot of stray dogs that just coexist with us, they’re not as adored or treated as part of the family as much as the Americans do.
However, Coco is a small dog and Lisa loves her, so I’ve also taken on a caretaker role with Coco, such as buying her food & treats, cleaning up after her, walking her, etc.
The main problem I have with Coco is having her on the bed every night when I sleep over at Lisa’s house.
Every single night she will snuggle her way into sleeping in the middle and usually kick me off the bed by slowly edging me out, getting aggressive when I try to move her. Every single time she hears a small noise in the house she will jump off the bed using my chest as a launch pad (a few times every night) which will wake me up.
Half the time I’ve slept over at Lisa’s, I always end up sleeping on the couch. Having intimate time with Lisa is always an issue for us because Coco will jump on the bed every chance she gets, and when we ask her to step down she just stands there and stares, which kinda weirds me out.
When we put her outside the bedroom, she will bark/wail all night until we let her back in. Imagine trying to hook up with a small dog running around on the bed every few minutes and hearing her wail loudly outside the door when we kick her out, it usually kills the mood fast. Coco also tends to get very aggressive at random times when I get physically close to Lisa, so I usually have to be very careful not to make sudden movements around Coco (one time she bit me when Lisa was tickling me so I bear-hugged her, and tackled her to the sofa jokingly.
Another time she bit me again when Lisa dropped a large box in the kitchen and I ran in from the other room to see if she was ok.) Lisa is used to everything since she’s had Coco for a long time.
I am completely okay with not moving in together mainly because of Coco and I like having a place to myself where I can sleep peacefully all night, but my lady is basically getting mad I don’t want to move in and insists on us getting a place together.
I told her that she either let Coco live at her mother’s (a 5-minute walk away from where our new house would be) or I wouldn’t move in with her.
I genuinely can’t imagine having to sleep on the couch every night in my own house or having to watch my back every time I want to hug my partner if we were to move in.
Lisa thinks I’m being the biggest jerk for saying I won’t move in with Coco, but I’m just mostly concerned about my sleep and since Lisa is always against disciplining Coco, so I don’t think it’s that absurd for me to not want to move in unless my condition is met.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner strikes me as quite selfish and that’s a bigger problem than the dog. I can’t believe she’s ok with you sleeping poorly or your personal life taking a beating over the dog! She needs to make a decision here.
Train the dog, have it live with her mother, OR not move in together until the dog has passed on.
If she doesn’t want to compromise, then you make your decision and let her be mad about it. In reality, she’s showing you what life with her would be like.
Something to consider…” annonlearner
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Lisa is not a good owner if she’s allowing her dog to behave like that. Ever. Whether she realizes it or not, she is encouraging this behavior.
If Coco is frequently biting people, it’s only a matter of time until she bites someone who presses charges and the dog is put down.
She is actually putting her dog at risk, not just her relationship. You’ve said you’re fine not moving in. As long as you mean that and you’re not trying to force her to get rid of the dog, but instead stating a VERY reasonable boundary, you’re all good.” Cursd818
14. AITJ For Commenting On Another Mom's Lifestyle?
“I gave birth to my son this August. In my country you get about 1.5 years’ worth of days you can take out to be on parental leave, most people save some of these days so they can stay home occasionally with their child as they get older.
I am planning on taking all of these days and staying home until my son is at least 4. Of course, a lot of planning has gone into this, I know we can’t eat the most extravagant food, buy the newest clothes, or take expensive trips.
But to me, staying home and taking care of my son is worth it.
Even though I am planning on having him home for this long, I know how important it is for a child’s development to be around other kids and people in general. So every Saturday I take him to an open preschool, don’t know if it exists in the US but basically, everyone is welcome there with their child for a few hours, they play, we eat, and do stuff together.
There is a mother there who had her daughter last April. She expressed to me and some other parents how sad and upset she was about having to go back to work so soon and that she was stressed about leaving her daughter at preschool.
She said that she wished that she could be able to stay home as long as I planned, I said that it was possible. She told me that for them it wasn’t. I called nonsense on that, she obviously gets her hair colored, has makeup, trendy clothes, and stuff like that.
I told her that if she just budgeted and did not spend that much on herself, of course, she could stay home. She once again said that even if she did, they could not afford to stay home any longer. I know she has a husband, so it has nothing to do with that.
I scoffed and said ‘Life is what you make it out to be’. She seemed extremely upset over this.
Later one of the people who organized this asked to talk to me, she explained that they value kindness and respect here and that if I continued to make this a hostile place then I would get another warning before being banned.
Was I really a jerk for just telling her the truth even though it may have been a little hard? I feel like it was kind of childish of her to run off and tell on me.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and a colossal one at that.
You have no idea what someone’s financial situation is. Having a husband doesn’t mean you have the luxury to stay home. You basically attacked this woman and you have absolutely no idea what is going on in her life. Even if you did you have no business speaking the way you did to her.
Wearing makeup and having some decent clothing may not equal a fraction of the income she brings into the household. You have no idea if they have pre-existing debt that needs to be managed, health costs, or other family to support, and it’s frankly none of your business.
Your comments were judgmental, condescending, belittling, ignorant, and rude. You owe this person a massive apology. Again, and in the strongest of terms, YTJ.” Solid_Internal_9079
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You have no idea what this other family’s real financial situation is and not every woman wants to give up every single small thing she does for herself just because she has a baby.
You’re a ‘baby is the center of the universe’ mom and that’s a choice, but it’s rude of you to ‘scoff’ at someone for having a different perspective, especially because you have no idea of whether even with every sacrifice she could afford to stay home.
You weren’t ‘telling her the truth,’ you were proclaiming that she was selfish and you were the superior mother. She didn’t ‘tell on you,’ you said this very publicly. Being a mom is hard and judgment from other moms makes it harder.
I’m unsurprised that the group organizer told you to be nice or get out.” Icy_Blueness1206
13. AITJ For Wanting To Get My Own Hotel Room?
“My (F 27) dad is planning a ski trip for after New Year’s. When this trip was first mentioned, I was told my brothers (23m + 25m), potentially their partners and my dad would be going.
I said it sounded like fun and took time off.
Recently I found out that my dad’s partner and her daughter (19) are also going. Not a huge problem in itself, but classic of my dad not telling me they were coming initially. Long story short, my dad had an affair with his partner when I was 11-16.
I have never liked his partner since. I am cordial now, but I don’t enjoy being around her.
The reason this is a big deal though is because my dad told me that he planned on me and her daughter staying on the couch because he only got a place with 3 bedrooms. One bedroom for him and his partner, one for one brother and his partner, and the last one for my other brother + his partner.
Disclaimer – This is not because he can’t afford it. He owns multiple vacation homes himself.
I don’t really feel comfortable sleeping in the main living room and not having any privacy on this trip. I need alone time and after finding out that I’ll have to be around someone I don’t particularly enjoy, I really don’t want to be forced to have constant togetherness time.
I said that since I live about 1.5 hours away from the condo, I might get a hotel room for a night or possibly two depending on price, and drive up myself rather than spending 4 nights at the condo. I can still ski for a couple of days with them, but I need a bed. I can’t stay the whole time in a hotel and truly, I can barely afford a night or two, but I’m nervous that if I say I’m not going altogether I’ll never live it down.
My dad and brothers say I’m being dramatic and making a big deal about this and ruining it for everyone and that since I don’t have a partner, I’m not entitled to a bedroom. I get it, but I also don’t want to put myself in this situation.
I didn’t throw a fit or yell or anything, I just said that after learning about the accommodations, I don’t think I can sleep 4 nights on a couch. My dad is mad because he said I agreed and am now backing out because I don’t get my own room.
Am I being a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did not agree to this arrangement and your dad should be more fair and more sensitive. I’ve had to put up with crap like this before on an ambush basis and it sucks. If your dad has enough money for this and you don’t, you could propose seeing if a larger suite was available at the lodge or let him know that it would be great if your brothers and their partners could get a shared two-bedroom suite adjacent and you and your dad’s partner’s 19-year-old daughter could each have your own separate room – the ones your brothers and their partners were going to be using.
If you need your own separate room and then the 19-year-old can have the couch with the rest of the fam, that’s fine. Or you could suddenly come down with a case of a Rom-com plot and announce the person you’re seeing you want to bring with you who is just a good friend who is fun and would have to be your +1 then as much as you’d love to come, you can’t well be expected to not have some privacy for you and your partner, so how about a four-bedroom suite or dad just pays for your bedroom with you and your +1.
More of a thought experiment. Families that pull stuff like this make me fume. Your dad is the jerk big time and your brothers suck.” SpaceForceMajeure
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Having a partner has nothing to do with whether you should get your own bedroom or not, you aren’t entitled to privacy in a romantic relationship, but not entitled to it when you are single.
Plus you are sharing a couch with another person. No way.
You agreed to go on vacation yes, but an assumption of the trip is having your own space and certainly not sharing a couch with someone else. And of course, everyone is telling you to suck it up because they all have their own rooms and privacy.
It is really gross how he put you being single as the reason you have to suffer on the couch. Don’t even bother going. Tell your Dad if the couch is fine, he and his partner can sleep on it and when he doesn’t like that, let him know you agreed when his partner and daughter weren’t going and you thought you’d have space, and at 27, you will be treated with a basic level of respect and consideration, or you won’t be going.
And then stick with it.” mfruitfly
12. AITJ For Not Letting My Brother-In-Law Hold My Baby?
“My fiance (24M) and I (19F) had our first baby last week. He was born healthy but giving birth was very traumatic and hard on me mentally/physically. I had an emergency c-section after being in labor for three days.
I still feel extremely foggy and out of touch with reality.
I only wanted my fiance’s parents present to meet the baby in the hospital. The rest were welcome to Facetime us, but they would have to wait to see our son after we’d gone home and had time to adjust to having a newborn.
I’m not close with my family because I left home at 18 to escape their abuse. Almost none of them are allowed contact with my child because of the way they treated me and my siblings.
My fiance’s family is a very close-knit group, and all of them have been very kind and welcoming to me up until this point.
I wouldn’t be marrying in if they weren’t. The only one I’ve had issues with is my fiance’s brother (30M) who has autism. He makes a lot of offhand comments and jabs that get passed off as ‘dark humor’.
When my in-laws got there, they brought my fiance’s older brother whom they care for, and let him live with them.
He’s diagnosed with autism but does not have any severe disabilities. I wasn’t happy that they’d brought him against my wishes, but I didn’t say anything after everything I’d gone through.
My fiance’s brother was adamant about holding our son. He was loud, had an attitude, and smelled terrible.
His clothes were dirty and his hair was covered in grease. It was like he hadn’t showered in weeks. Again, I didn’t comment on his hygiene, but I tried to preface that I didn’t want anyone holding the baby right now except my in-laws. I was as kind as possible.
My in-laws told me that he didn’t mean any harm and that he could wash his hands. I told them no again, and my fiance backed me up when they didn’t calm down. My FIL took his son home and my MIL stayed and apologized, but my fiance’s brother is apparently ‘deeply hurt’ and texted my fiance to tell him not to marry me because I’m ‘driving them apart’ and ‘a jerk who wants to keep him from his nephew’.
I’d like to preface that my fiance himself has confirmed that his brother was not always this limited, and was fairly normal until high school when he seemed to start to play up his diagnosis for sympathy. He hasn’t worked a day in his life and lives off of his parents.
He does not shower or even bother to apply deodorant before leaving the house. He would literally live in the same clothes for months if not for his mom doing his laundry. I have no ill will for people with autism or disabilities (my youngest brother had Down syndrome and cared for him as an identified child.) My issue is solely with my brother-in-law.”
Another User Comments
“NTJ for not letting him hold the baby. He’s not clean. But you say ‘He’s diagnosed with autism but does not have any severe disabilities’ but the way autism manifests as a disability varies and includes issues with executive function and self-care including hygiene.
The disability may not be obvious for little kids if their parents do their laundry, pick out their clothes, and enforce hygiene rules (bath time, did you brush your teeth? etc).
The disability-related limitations become apparent when the individual gets to the age that they shouldn’t need prompting/should be able to take care of themselves.
It’s hard to form habits, and hard to do something if it requires multiple steps. ‘He does not shower or even bother to apply deodorant before leaving the house. He would literally live in the same clothes for months if not for his mom doing his laundry.’ All of that sounds like a disability-related limitation.
But – if his parents are taking care of him they need to be helping him. Making sure he practices hygiene and if they can’t do it, they need to look into getting services to assist him. It’s not helping him to just enable his lack of hygiene.” CameoAmalthea
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Have your fiance tell his brother that the baby’s immunity is low and if he wants to hold the baby then he needs to shower and wear clean clothes before visiting/holding the baby. Not worth taking a risk with a newborn and I’m not sure anyone would want their kid being held and loved on by someone who is dirty in dirty clothes.
I would also set some ground rules, such as no kissing the baby’s face or hands.” Logical_Magician_468
I suggest you set a clear boundary with him that he will not be allowed to touch your child unless he has showered and is wearing clean clothes. He will understand that but you can't hint about it. Autistic people often can't understand hints and nuances. Much of what a neurotypical person learns simply by being around others isn't obvious to an autist. He most likely won't even be offended if you tell him bluntly. He could very well end up being a wonderful, loving uncle if you give him clear instructions as to what is and isn't appropriate when dealing with babies and young children. Autistic people do feel love and compassion but find it hard to know how to express it in socially acceptable ways. Just a heads up... autism has a strong genetic factor so one or more of your children or nieces or nephews could be born autistic. You might want to learn as much as you can about autism now, before you need a crash course.
11. AITJ For Not Wanting To Give My Sister's Daughter Back To Her?
“I (Tia, 32) and my sister Laila (30) were in and out of foster care growing up. Laila got pregnant at 17 and went to prison at 18 for robbery with her significant other. Because I was 19 I was legally allowed to take custody of my niece Ash.
The whole time my sister was in prison I would visit her and let my niece go as well, so she could try to build a connection with her mom. But as the years went by Ash started calling me mom and called my sister Lai.
Because I was the one who was there day to day taking care of her.
Fast forward to 2020 and Laila gets out of prison early due to good behavior and the state trying to reduce the prison population due to the global crisis. Laila is 27 at this time and Ash is 10.
By now I have gone to school, gotten a stable job, bought a house, and feel I am doing well for myself and Ash. So of course Laila is paroled to come live with me.
At first, everything is good. We all start getting acquainted and used to each other.
Lai is trying to figure out life as an adult in the free world and of course, I am trying to help her as well.
After about a year Lai has really started influencing Ash in a negative way. Prior to her coming home Ash was a straight-A student.
Very well-mannered. In school dance and cheer. And making strides towards a positive entry to middle school. Now my sweetie is rude, flunking most of her classes. Cursing and talking back to me. And Lai just laughs it off. I feel like I’m raising 2 teenagers at this point.
Lai stayed gone a lot. Trying to invite strange and crazy people over to my home etc. I had enough. She wouldn’t work. Wouldn’t help around the house, nothing.
Now, in 2023, Lai finally has a job at Burger King and has a crazy weird partner.
A few weeks ago she says she’s moving in with her partner. I told her ok good luck. Then she says she’s taking Ash with her. Oh GOD NO. I’m her parent. I will gladly allow visitation. But you are not taking this child out of my home to go couch surfing with you and your stupid partner.
Mind you Lai is still on parole until 2026. Ash walked in on us arguing and said she wanted to go with her mom. I explained to her that I had custody and that she could not go with her. She cried and stomped out of the room.
My sister then yelled at me and said I was a horrible person for splitting up her and her child.
First of all, I had given up my entire young adult years to raise this child. I gave up a world travel fellowship, a relationship, etc just to be here for this child so she would never have to go through what my sister and I did in the foster care system.
I am all for letting them visit each other. But I’m not letting her leave.
Ash is now 13 and feels she is entitled to make her own decisions. But I know how her mom is. It’ll be a disappointment going to live with her.
I’ve given her such a stable life and my sister has ruined most of it in less than 3 years. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As ‘Ash’s’ custodial and concerned caregiver, you are making a reasonable and responsible decision regarding your niece. You might wish, however, to contact the court and report your concerns about the child’s behavior since her mother was released and came to call.
Your sister’s Parole Officer should also be made aware of her decision to relocate, immediately. Discuss your rights as a custodial caregiver with the child advocate who dealt with your case and find out what the legal process might be if the child runs away from your home to be with her mother.” Mysterious_Pea_5008
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But you will be if you don’t get hold of this situation for Ash’s benefit. She had a secure attachment to you and is emotionally not in a position to understand that her biological mother is not capable of meeting her needs.
Incarceration is not what was stopping her but a symptom of her being unfit to be the person Ash needs. This will not have changed behind bars. Lai does not know herself and will struggle to find a way to function out of jail. Ash MUST NOT be exposed to this.
OP has worked very hard for years to get herself into a position where she can meet Ash’s needs. She IS Ash’s mother at this point in every way except biology. She needs to manage to secure the attachment Ash has to her again. With stability, routine, and therapy Ash will get back to where and who she was.
Sometimes we need to make hard choices for our kids and this is one of those moments. Choices our children might really not agree with. They however don’t see the risks. They don’t observe the chances and opportunities lost. They require guidance. Even I still need guidance.
Bio mum’s assertion that she is just going to take this child out of her environment, school, and surroundings and move her in with a new guy shows me she is unfit to be a parent. No decent parent would make such a selfish and chaotic change to their child’s life independent of whether in a bratty 13-year-old moment they wanted it.
The only thing I can criticize OP for is for allowing Lai to live with them in the first place. It was never going to be in Ash’s best interests.” speakingtoidiots
10. AITJ For Choosing To Go Out With A Girl Instead Of Watching My Roommate's Siblings?
“My (20F) roommate (Jessica, 21F) and I are both in college. We have other roommates, but they’re currently not here, so they’re irrelevant to this story.
This happened about a week ago and it’s still bothering me.
Jessica is one of those people who is the parentified oldest sibling. She’s the kind of person who is extremely people-pleasing because she was relied on a lot growing up, and her family is obviously always asking for her help.
I don’t know much about her, but I know this
She has two young half-brothers (7M and 9M, I think?). They were staying over at the apartment for a few days for some reason. They’re both really sweet and they mostly hang out in the living room watching TV and playing on their phones.
We also live in a relatively safe area.
Meanwhile, this girl I really like asked me out. I can’t describe how excited I was! This would be my first night out with a girl ever. She asked me out a week before. When the day came, I was about to leave the apartment to drive myself there.
I then noticed that Jessica wasn’t home, but her little siblings were. I texted Jessica, asking her how long she was going to be gone, and she told me that she was on her night shift, so not for a while. She then asked me to watch her siblings, but I told her that I had plans tonight.
This is when her tone completely changed, surprising me, and she sent a few passive-aggressive texts before demanding that I watch her siblings for their safety. I told her ‘No’, since 1) I didn’t agree to it, 2) I had plans, and 3) the request wasn’t made ahead of time; I had literally JUST found out that she expected me to watch them.
I figured the kids would be fine and just left, and told her as such.
This ordeal made me a little late. While I was walking around with the girl I like, I apologized for being late and explained what happened so she didn’t feel disrespected. She was silent for a moment, and then she eventually gave me her take: she told me that, while my roommate was wrong too, staying home and watching those kids was still the right thing to do for their safety.
We could always plan another first night out.
At least she was nice about her criticisms. However, I would like to say that the kids were indeed fine when I got back. The living room was a mess, but they themselves were in one piece.
It’s just that I don’t see why I have to be responsible for two kids at the last minute with no consideration for my time and plans. I was extremely irritated, to say the least. In my eyes, it’s Jessica’s responsibility to find someone to watch those kids AHEAD OF TIME if she’s not home (or not agreeing to let them stay at her apartment in the first place if she couldn’t), not mine.
But I’m willing to change my mind and learn for the future if I make a rash, selfish, or even dangerous mistake.
So AITJ? Or does everyone suck here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… everyone sucks here. This is tough. Most jerk is the roommate, that’s stupid, expecting you to look after children without asking, or even telling you.
That is seriously poor behavior. But your going out, while understandable, was also poor. The girl you’re seeing was right, and she sounds nice. 7 & 9-year-olds shouldn’t be left alone. However, once you said you were going out Jessica should have come home, even if it got her in trouble at work this is her problem, not yours.
Make it clear to Jessica that if she leaves the children in your care again without your agreement you’ll call CPS. Hope it goes well with your next night out.” boredathome1962
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… but next time instead of leaving, call the police and tell them your roommate left children unattended. That is horribly irresponsible and nonsense.
She should not be watching those children if she is not going to be responsible for their wellbeing and also make sure they have proper care. You need to have a putting your foot down conversation and explain that she put you in a terrible situation and if it happens again you’re having the police come take custody of them until a parent or guardian retrieves them.” pandatron3221
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here (except the girl you’re seeing). Jessica had no business leaving the kids in the house when she went to work, without having first spoken to you and asked if you could look after them, and you need to sit down with her and tell her that she absolutely cannot do that, and that if she wants you to watch the kids she needs to ask you well in advance and accept that the answer may be no. If she pushes back you may have to tell her that if it happens again then you will be calling the police to report the children as having been abandoned.
However, you cannot abandon a 7 & 9-year-old. That’s too young to be left alone for (it sounds like) several hours. Ideally, you would have called your date, explained the situation, and asked her if you could reschedule or if she could come over while you tried to track down Jessica or her parents to get the kids.
The girl you’re seeing seems to have done exactly the right thing, she’s not a jerk, and Jessica is much more to blame than you, it sounds as though she just left without even telling you she was going or that the kids were there, which is inappropriate.
I do have some sympathy for her if they were dumped on her by her family but that doesn’t make it OK for her to abandon them and expect you to step in.” ProfessorYaffle1
9. WIBTJ If I Refuse To Babysit My Niece Despite Being Free?
“I am unemployed. I’m on winter break from college, just started, and now I get to relax until spring.
I do live with my parents, but do my fair share of babysitting my younger siblings. I even drive them to and from school.
Recently my sister has asked me if I could watch her baby so she can take a break from work and vacation somewhere out of state for a few days.
The plan was for me to watch her from morning till her paternal grandmother leaves work for the day. I politely declined because I am not familiar with caring for children in diapers, and, truthfully, I don’t want to.
I have nothing against children, or my niece, but that little thing screeches often.
Take something from her that she can’t have? She cries. Slightly annoyed? She cries. Noise too loud? She cries. Not with her mom for more than thirty minutes? She cries.
Once my parents watched her for more than an hour, and I believe she didn’t cry for twenty minutes in total. And I get it, babies act like that, but that’s not something I want to deal with.
And it’s not soft cries either; it’s full-on tantrums with scratching, hair pulling, and throwing things. As of now, I’m my sister’s only option. My parents are visiting family in Mexico and my older brother lives a few hours away. That leaves me, and I continuously say no. However, she keeps bringing up the fact that I have nothing else to do, and my schedule is completely clear.
Which is true.
In the morning, I wake up, get my siblings ready, feed them, drop them off at school, then have a few hours to myself, pick them up, drop them off at their grandparents, my steps, and I have the entire day to myself.
No job, no cleaning, since I am alone and don’t make much of a mess, and I’ve got nothing but time. This is just a rundown of everything, but she has at least a week to find a sitter, or she and her husband may not be able to go.
Unless they want to take my niece with them. However, I don’t think that’s the case.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can also point out to her, that you want to enjoy this time as once you’re out of college, you won’t get breaks like this again.
Most jobs give you two weeks of PTO.
Enjoy your time! Adulting isn’t that fun, ask your sister who wants to take a break from being a mom! Just kidding, that might make her more upset with you. Your sister can hire someone. Or take the kid with her.
She chose to have the child, she needs to figure it out. But one last thought… as family, I would like to say, if roles were reversed, would she do this for you? Don’t burn bridges for the future, when you may be begging for that break yourself.” Comfortable_Cut_8751
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You never have to take care of someone else’s infant if you don’t want to and it does not make you a jerk. You are already doing a lot of childcare on your break. But the thing here is that your sister, the jerk, is asking to leave her child with you for days.
That is absolutely not something you have any responsibility to do. She can look for a sitter or someone else who wants to do it but basically, as parents of a newborn, she and her husband are not entitled to a break to go away for days without their infant.
They are supposed to be caring for their child. It’s not your responsibility.” Brennan_Boru1031
8. AITJ For Wanting To Go To Five Guys?
“I have an allergy to peanuts, when I was a lot younger my parents basically put me through exposure training to help it. It sucked a lot but now my reaction to my allergy is extremely mild.
I basically will get a rash around my lips and that is it. So now it isn’t a big deal if I accidentally eat something and the chances of me having a major reaction are so low that it might as well be when pigs fly.
We have a new friend to our friend group I’ll call her Laura. I told her I can not have peanuts and she told me about the time she saw an allergic reaction and how terrifying it was. I thought that was the end of it, but every single time I have been out with Laura she has brought up my allergy.
Telling me if I am sure I can eat that. Vetoing places to eat since they serve peanuts. I have talked to her before, it has caused tension in the group and me explaining over and over again that my reaction is very mild and I can eat places just fine.
Every single time she acts like she knows my allergy better and that if I keep eating it on accident it will get worse. I’ve explained a million times that isn’t always the case and I literally did the opposite in peanut exposures.
Nothing has gotten through to her. Everyone’s allergies are different.
I was hanging out with the group and we wanted burgers and suggested Five Guys. The restaurant has peanuts in it. Laura blew up telling my other friend they were horrible for trying to get me to have an allergic reaction.
I had enough and told her to stop micromanaging my allergy, and that she needed to stop pushing her trauma on me. That I was going to Five Guys and the group left without her.
Some of my friends think she is crazy while others think I am being a jerk because she seems to care about me.”
Another User Comments:
“Even when someone is coming from a caring place, it stops being kind when you’re explicitly told to stop and do it anyway. It’s not kind to do something you’re asked not to even if your intentions are good. I don’t think it’s too harsh to tell her not to push her trauma on you since it’s a reasonable assumption to make that at this point – after being told several times – the reason that she keeps doing this is more because SHE doesn’t want to risk witnessing another allergic reaction which is scary to her, rather than actually being worried about YOUR safety.
NTJ.” Plane-Trifle3608
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can’t treat people however you want and claim it’s because you care like that’s a get-out-of-jail-free card. Your friends saying this are wrong. And she may think she cares about you, but she doesn’t. Caring involves listening to people and doing what they ask for or need. She is not.
She is disregarding what you say to do whatever she wants, which is rude and annoying and the opposite of caring. You’ve tried talking to her and correcting her multiple times. What do people expect you to do, put up with this forever? It was understandable that you snapped at her.” friendlily
7. AITJ For Telling My Uncle I Don't Want To Be A Stepmom?
“When I (20s F) was 7 years old I lost my parents and was sent to live with my aunt (bio) and her husband (uncle) and his daughter, Kylie. Kylie was 10 when I moved in. She lost her mom when she was 5 or 6 and my aunt had been married to my uncle for a little over a year.
So it was a really difficult time for her. But I remember thinking Kylie might get what it was like a little. But she was very clear from day one we were not family.
One thing that always stuck out to me was how Kylie really resented/hated my aunt.
My aunt couldn’t ask Kylie to do anything without being yelled at. She couldn’t do anything nice for her without getting glared at. She’d accuse her of disrespecting her mom by ‘trying to play mom’, she’d accuse her of doing stuff that she had no right to do, and she’d tell my aunt to know her place.
My aunt always understood Kylie was grieving and she pushed my uncle to make sure Kylie got enough time with him but was also able to talk to him. They had her in therapy as well. My aunt told me once when I got upset on her behalf that some people, kids or adults, can find it hard to see their living parent move on and have a new relationship after they lose the other parent and Kylie was struggling.
A few months ago I saw Kylie for the first time in 12 years and she could not hide her still existing hatred for my aunt. The way she looked at her. I even heard her tell my uncle that my aunt was nothing to her and all she did was attempt to steal a dead woman’s entire family.
It made me realize just how strong that resentment can be. I also know from my uncle’s sister, that Kylie is still furious my aunt ever tried to ask her to do anything or issued any kind of consequence for her behavior when she was a kid.
The experience of living with them always made me say I didn’t see myself ever wanting to marry someone with kids but having seen her hatred for my aunt at 30, knowing she still resents my aunt for even daring to ask her to do something in the home, it made me realize that while it can work and some people have amazing blended families, it’s not for me.
A few days ago I came back home for Christmas (staying until the 28th). My uncle was talking about my significant other and then he asked me about this guy at work who asked me out a couple of times and why I never gave him a chance since I thought he was cute, etc. I told him it just wouldn’t work but he kept pushing and I told him it was because he had kids.
He told me that was a strange reason since I want kids and I said yeah, but after seeing how Kylie treated my aunt I decided I would never be a stepmom.
My uncle was mad about it and told me I can’t swear off men with kids for that reason and he said divorced and widow(er)ed parents deserve to find happiness again.
I said they do and I would never say they shouldn’t have that. But I do not want to be that for them. He said it was rude for me to blame Kylie.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s right, widow(er)s do deserve happiness and to find someone if they choose.
However, it is your life. I wouldn’t want to go out with anyone with kids either. Now, that might change when I’m older, I’m only 24 now. Your opinion is valid regardless of your experience. Having kids and going out with someone is hard – babysitters, school, parenting, etc. – there are a lot more variables that are now introduced and it is complicated.
Also, if I were in that position, I wouldn’t want to start seriously seeing someone unless my kid liked them – how do you navigate that? You don’t want to introduce them too early and have one party get attached and it doesn’t work out.
You don’t to introduce them too late and make your kid or partner feel like you are hiding them. And what happens if they don’t get along? Stay in the relationship and risk your kid feeling like you aren’t on their team or have to start the process all over again?
And that is just the perspective of the person with the kid.
Getting into a relationship with someone with a kid you don’t want to feel like you are replacing their parent, but you want to form a bond. They are likely to feel resentful, and what are you supposed to do?
Tiptoe around them your whole life? He took what you said personally when in actuality it has nothing to do with him.” Right_Carrot1629
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m not saying it can’t work at all, but blending a family can be challenging, even in the best of circumstances, and there’s nothing wrong with deciding it’s a challenge you’d rather not face.
Kind of like there’s nothing wrong with saying you wouldn’t want to marry somebody in the military, even though that can work, too. The fact that your uncle got mad about it instead of acknowledging this indicates to me that there’s some defensiveness on his part and maybe some buried guilt that he didn’t handle it as well as he could have/should have, and both Kylie and your aunt suffered as a result.” [deleted]
Your uncle should have stopped pushing for answers the first time - you do not have to justify not wanting to date someone to anyone else.
6. AITJ For Telling My Dad's Wife Her Infertility Is Her Karma?
“I (15f) am my dad’s affair baby.
My mom didn’t know he was married and broke it off when she found out but she was already pregnant. She decided to have me and has always been a great mom to me. A lot of my friends don’t get along with their moms but mine is really cool and I wouldn’t trade her for anyone.
My dad takes me out on the weekends to do things and visits on holidays, but I’ve never lived with him or anything.
When I was younger he had to take me to his house for a few hours one time when my mom was really sick and his wife yelled at him and I had to stay in a bedroom away from her because she was so mad.
My mom explained the affair when I was older and realized how weird the situation was compared to friends with divorced parents. I have feelings about it, but he’s my dad so I try to not think about it a lot. I know my dad’s wife hates me and that is the reason I can’t see him more, so yeah, she has a reason to be mad at him, but also screw her.
So a couple of months ago, my dad started asking if I would like to spend whole weekends with him. I said I would be ok with it if it wasn’t at his house. He said his wife wants me to come and she’s had a change of heart.
Sounded really sus so I said no. Then this weekend she wanted to come have lunch with my dad and me. She said that she realized how important I am to my dad since they can’t have kids now and that she would like to make up for it all and be my stepmom if I would let her.
It really made me mad because my whole life she’s made it really hard to see my dad and now she wants to be nice? I might be the jerk because I told her that if she can’t have kids that’s karma for how she treated me and she’s never going to be anything but my dad’s wife.
She started crying and my dad told me later that was a terrible thing to say and that I needed to apologize. My mom said that she put me in an unfair situation and I should probably avoid talking to her right now because she’s having to deal with infertility and hasn’t really gotten over things.
AITJ? I feel like she kind of deserved it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – How she treated you was horrible, she should have never blamed you for what your dad did to her. I think she never really forgave him and you were a constant reminder of his infidelity.
Absolutely not a good reason to treat a child this way, she needs therapy. Now, you seem to put all the blame on her… but the only true culprit is your dad no? Why did he let her sabotage your relationship? He is a grown man and should be able to put his foot down and have some boundaries.
In the end, HE was the one making the final decision. HE is your father, therefore the only person that you should hold accountable for his actions. You can definitely hate his wife, but in the end, your father is the only one responsible.” Future_Falcon_7233
Another User Comments:
“Soft ‘everyone sucks here’/’no jerks here’. You are not at fault for being an affair baby, or for how she had treated you over the years. But what you said was extremely harsh. This is NOT an excuse for her behavior, she’s definitely the bigger jerk in this situation.
But this situation has been hard for her, knowing her husband had an affair and betrayed her and the vows he made to her.
Infertility is really heartbreaking for a lot of people. What you said to her is she essentially did something to cause/deserve being infertile and being lied to.
That’s out of line. She needs therapy to deal with her stuff, she should not be taking anything out on you. But all of this is essentially on your dad. He lied to 2 women, he caused a pregnancy outside of his marriage, and HE chooses to not be more involved in your life.
She might make it difficult for him, but that’s part of why she needs therapy. She needs to understand that you hold no responsibility here and deserve to be treated with respect and have the relationship with your dad that you want to have.
But again, it’s ultimately on your dad for not spending more time with you. You’re all mad at the wrong person.” KuraiHanazono
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Just know this: None of the weirdness you have been feeling around not being able to see your dad at his house while you were growing up is your fault.
Not one little bit! You are probably right that your dad’s wife wants contact with you now only because she is infertile. But it would be nice if you could remember that the weirdness wasn’t really her fault either. The arrow points to your father!
If you were to give her a chance sometime in the future when things have quietened down, you might find that she’s not such a bad egg. If she could become an adult to count on, that wouldn’t be a bad outcome of the whole debacle, since you can never have too many people you can count on.
Other than that I think your mother has a handle on this situation and that you should follow her advice.” FragrantEconomist386
I understand your father being excited at being able to have you in his home and be accepted by his wife and be a real dad for you but he needs to consider your feelings. He could have taken you on mini vacations and been more than a visitor in your life but catered to his wife instead. You aren't a doll for her to play with only when it suits her.
5. AITJ For Refusing To Pay More Rent But Buying A Lot Of Games For My Xbox?
“I make a few hundred dollars a week, I get paid biweekly, and I make roughly $600-800 per month. I have no issue with paying a reasonable amount, but they want to charge $500 monthly for 1 room, and the house isn’t massive but there’s enough room for me to take over the basement, I’m more worried about my things being stolen.
I talked to my parents after graduation in June, and they brought up the idea of me paying rent, but I quickly shot it down because of my plans not including a summer job, as well as NY laws that essentially say that in order to rent a living space, it MUST include a bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen, our basement has none of those.
My bedroom is technically not one, it used to be a recording studio, and the house is a 3 bed 1 bath. I told them that if they want me to pay to live there, they must renovate the basement and make it an apartment, bc if I’m paying half the mortgage, I should get that much worth of space.
Previously when talking about me staying at home there was a general ‘get some savings and pocket money so you can move out with stability’ A.K.A. no rent. But when my first check went through, that changed, and I was told they were expecting $500 by the end of the month.
I reminded them about what I told them months ago, and that I wasn’t paying rent without more space, and it being a legal space.
My dad said I was being unreasonable, and that I didn’t need the space, but I responded with ‘If I’m going to be treated like a tenant, I’m going to get authorities involved because my space is technically illegal’.
He got even madder, and I left him in the living room after telling him that we needed to either work something out with me getting more space or he needed to dramatically lower his price and that I wouldn’t pay anything until we had that talk.
Fast forward to today, I bought about $150 worth of games on Xbox massively on sale, and he yelled at me for spending my money before I paid my rent. We had another argument after I reminded him what I said earlier this week. Now I’m debating if I was right to say anything in the first place.
Extra context: I can’t drive myself, I need a parent or guardian in the vehicle, and my extended family is either crazy, lives out of town, or doesn’t have room for me. Now, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It makes me sad when parents make their kids pay for their childhood bedroom/home, especially straight out of school or while they’re still pursuing post-secondary.
If it’s a matter of them being able to afford to get by themselves, I still have trouble sympathizing. They managed with you living there rent-free your entire life so far. What’s another little bit? I don’t care about comparing $500 to other rentals, calling it a ‘good deal.’ It’s your childhood home.
You’re on the right track learning a trade, working toward a solid career. Your parents should be happy about that & proud.
Parents; let your kids who are freshly out of high school/pursuing post-secondary/freshly graduated from post-secondary get a leg up before sending them out to be totally on their own & self-sufficient.
You’re setting them up for success that way. Life is hard. Don’t make it harder for them sooner & for no good reason. Nobody asked to be born. We’re all stuck here forced to survive because our parents decided to put us here into existence.
Especially these days with inflation, it’s even harder to get by.” keepthefvith
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You absolutely have a bathroom and kitchen available to you, or are your parents saying by paying rent you only have access to the bedroom and must take your bathroom and kitchen needs outside?
Because if not, you have everything available and your parents are absolutely in their right to charge you rent. Believe it or not, $500 isn’t all rent money. I’m assuming you eat food they purchase, and use their electricity, water, gas, and internet? Your part of all of those things is going to easily hit nearly $500 in a month.
Your parents are basically saying you need to start covering the cost of living there, which you somehow find unreasonable.” The_White_Ferret
Another User Comments:
“You definitely come off like YTJ in your post. Your parents want you to pay some rent and you’re threatening to call the authorities?
I’m guessing you still have access to a bathroom and the kitchen from the basement.
Honestly, I’m guessing you still have access to the entire house. I have to side with your parents on this one. They aren’t being unreasonable in asking their adult child who is living there to contribute to the expenses of (checks notes) living there.
I feel like you are opening up a can of worms threatening them with NY law and pretending like you’re a tenant, not their child still living in their home. You could potentially damage your relationship with them. They have every right to ask for a financial contribution, despite the fact that you’re not a traditional tenant with a lease.
Nothing about their request seems unreasonable to me, sorry.
A bunch of people I know lived at home with their parents after college (some still do; millennial problems) and paid some form of rent, even though it’s still ‘living at home.’ The fact of the matter is that they aren’t children in high school anymore, they are adults with jobs who make a contribution to society.
Chipping in toward rent or groceries is an acceptable ask. The same goes for you.” fallingfaster345
Be an adult. Look for a real job that pays real money. Yes, you will have less time for playing Xbox but that is part of adulting. In the meantime, negotiate for a slightly lower rent, get your driving license and do your own laundry and help clean around the house.
If you don't start growing up, you may be looking for a new place to live so you will be forced to grow up.
4. AITJ For Not Wanting To Eat Gross Mashed Potatoes?
“I (m 39) am on a Christmas holiday with my wife’s (f 36) family. I have a dairy allergy which means I can’t eat butter, milk, yogurt, or cheese. Everyone in the family knows this, especially my mother-in-law who is in charge of cooking.
First two nights for dinner we had raclette (if you don’t what that is, it’s basically you chop up your own vegetables and fry them on a little stand, then you add cheese which you then grill on the same stand).
– raclette is literally just fried chopped vegetables and potatoes unless you have the cheese, and furthermore, it takes about an hour to grill enough to feel full. Ok though, I made it through that, I just had extra nuts and chocolate, it’s Christmas after all.
So on day 3, we were to have a more substantial meal with mashed potato, except MiL forgot me and put butter and milk in, and instead of telling me and saying sorry assigned this guy (my wife’s sister’s partner) who is known as extremely unreliable, depressed, (who also happened to be very ill and not someone you’d want making your food at all) to make a dairy-free mash.
He boiled some potatoes and blended them, making a watery potato-only soup consistency broth, and this was served on the table in a saucepan with the rest of the meal that I could have. I asked for a bowl, poured out a portion of the potatoes, and then offered it round to others.
No one wanted any, including the guy who made it, and this was the point at which I just had enough, and got seriously angry (inside).
So I made an excuse about having promised to call my mum and picked up the remaining meal and bowl of watery potatoes and left to another room where I called my mum, and I poured it down the toilet and just ate bread until I was full.
My wife came in absolutely fuming telling me I’d hurt the guy’s feelings, and that it was so rude to leave the dinner table. I laid my cards on the table, why have I not been thought of for every single meal, I’m never asked what I want, and it’s not hard to make things dairy-free, or to buy some extra stuff, etc, etc. My wife says I should just suck it up, and that the guy made an effort.
I replied that he was not a kid, if I made something that atrocious I would not expect anyone to eat it like he was a child whose feelings I shouldn’t hurt. I’m now in the dog house, apparently, no one bought my needing to call my mum story.
AITJ here?
I forgot to mention they all barely speak English, as we are in France, my wife is half-French. This goes some of the way perhaps to me not being involved in meal discussions.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – you were offered more than just watery potatoes.
If in the past 3 days, there had been nothing you saw fit to eat then it would seem like any other adult would go to the store and pick up some things and ask your French-speaking wife to let your family know that you would be adding this and this to the meal for everyone to share.
I’m not sure why you had to take the pot of watery mash, make a production of flushing it, and then stuff yourself with bread because the carb part of the meal let you down. You’re a middle-aged man, not a child who doesn’t know how to go to the store or talk to other adults (with communication help if needed).
Cooking for a large group is stressful and sometimes people’s dietary needs get overlooked when they aren’t what everyone else has. It’s not a huge deal to add to the meal, rather than lament that no one is thinking of you.” shenaystays
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but in future insist on making your own food. I am vegan and if this kind of thing happened to me I would just insist on taking care of myself. No, you shouldn’t apologize for upsetting whoever made the crap potatoes.
I don’t care if the French are all about bonding over food, they don’t have a monopoly on that as most cultures bond over shared food experiences. They can be quite rude though which is why I haven’t been for over 20 years and never will again (I used to go there a lot).” decentlyfair
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – not sure about in France, but it’s standard practice to try to ask if anyone has any dietary allergies/intolerances/preferences now in North America, and to have some alternatives present. I think you are warranted in being upset there was next to no consideration for you.
That said, one of my biggest pet peeves is doing the above when hosting if said person with the dietary need isn’t also willing to temper their expectations.
I can deal with one or two simple alternatives to accommodate, but cannot adapt my entire cooking/recipes/ingredients to cater to one individual. In my opinion, if you have a dietary need at a group dinner, there is some responsibility on you to ensure others are aware and are prepared for this, and if unsure/not, you should then contribute to help cook some alternatives or bring something you can eat.
I don’t think it was fair of you to expect others to eat the potatoes given they had no specific dietary needs. That said, it certainly wasn’t fair for them to make you potato slop when they could have just made mashed potatoes, and set you a portion aside without any butter/milk, or have just made you baked/fried potatoes, etc.” dachshundie
3. AITJ For Keeping My Food In My Room?
“I (21f) live with my dad, stepmom (who I’ll refer to as mom sometimes in this story), and my siblings (26m, 10m, and sometimes 19f depending on if she’s home from college). For starters, I don’t have any dietary restrictions, and I’m not particularly picky.
But this issue has come up and I’m unsure if I’m being a brat.
My mom cooks dinner just about every weekday and always makes enough for everyone to have some. When she does that I always make a point to eat it whenever I’m hungry, but sometimes I’ll be craving particular things, so every now and then I’ll swing by Walmart and pick up some things I want.
These things can range anywhere from salads to super spicy noodles, that kind of thing. I’m not the kind of person to be greedy; I don’t mind sharing, but some things have been happening that frustrated me to a certain extent.
An example of this is I bought two cake pops for me and my younger brother.
I stuck them in the fridge and told my mom that one was for me and one was for him, and she said ok. When I came down that night to eat mine, I found them both gone. When I asked my mom, she said he had eaten both because he just assumed they were both for him.
This kind of irked me, but I figured ok, it was my fault for not telling him directly. Then came the incident with the noodles I had bought. They were these super spicy, super-specific types of noodles you can only get from being shipped worldwide.
I bought 3 of them, and I had them in the pantry.
My younger brother had seen them and asked, and I explained they were super hot and he probably wouldn’t like them since he has no tolerance for spice. I told him if he wanted to try them one day, I’d let him take a bite of mine, but I knew he wouldn’t be able to eat a whole pack.
So one day I come downstairs craving them, and the last pack is gone. When I asked, my dad said my brother wanted them and made them for him, but they were so spicy that he could only eat two bites before it was too much.
Sure enough, the noodles were in the trash, and it really made me mad. There are other examples but these are the main ones that popped into my mind.
So like 3 days ago I went to Walmart, and spent quite a bit of money on stuff I wanted, like juices and teas and other things like that.
When I got home I didn’t think much of it, putting stuff in the fridge. Before I went upstairs, my older brother asked if he could have some of the lemonade I just bought. I said sure, he poured himself a glass, and I went upstairs.
When I came down that same night, I couldn’t find the lemonade anywhere. I asked my older brother where it went, and he said ‘Oh, I drank it all so I threw it away’. I don’t know why but it made me so upset, but I didn’t say anything to him.
So some of the stuff I bought, like my mini Gatorades and protein powder for post-workouts, came upstairs with me and I put it in my room.
Now my dad and mom are upset with me, saying I’m being greedy and that food was shareable in the house.
But I don’t think I did anything wrong, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, people are not respecting your boundaries. I am sure if your parents started buying the delicious snack foods that your siblings scoff at they would quickly assert some boundary or stop buying them.
You are doing what is logical and it has nothing to do with anyone what you buy for yourself and store privately in your room.
By the way, fun fact. I have exactly the same but the opposite problem. I have two kids between 20 and 25, I hide my snacks, and drinks in hidey holes all over the house because my kids just eat it if they see it.” welding-guy
Another User Comments:
“In theory, you’re NTJ. In practice, you live under the same roof as your family and have to follow your parents’ rules. As it stands I feel like you would be better off having a calm and constructive conversation about your issues with ‘sharing food’, which tends to mean you pay for food and your brother eats it, but never the other way around.
It’s great to share, and according to your account, you often buy things with your brother in mind or happily offer to share with him; but there has to be a relative symmetry in this. Bring it up without accusing your brother or anything, just explain that incidents have repeatedly happened and that there needs to be some balance.
Or, if that doesn’t work, don’t buy snacks for home, and eat whatever you buy before you reach the front door.” ladyteruki
2. AITJ For Not Inviting My Son's Significant Other To My Birthday Lunch?
“I have 3 children (30M, 27M, and 24M). Over the years, they’ve each had relationships and their significant others were invited to a family lunch on my birthday.
My eldest son has been with Camile since April 2022, in February 2023 I didn’t have my birthday because I was in a coma due to an accident and I was in a delicate situation for months.
Currently, I’m not 100% recovered, but I’m immensely grateful for being alive and being able to celebrate another year of life when the doctor told my husband and children that I might become vegetative.
I will admit here that I’m not that close to Camile, but I have no problems with her and if she makes my son happy, then I have absolutely nothing to complain about.
Currently, my son and Camile are engaged and she is pregnant.
This year, I wanted to do something very personal for my birthday, not just lunch, but my husband and I decided that we would say a family prayer with a pastor and give thanks for our health, for the year we had spent, and have an extremely intimate family lunch, that is, just my children and my husband.
This pastor went to my hospital bed every week to pray for me.
It’s an exciting moment for me, I want to do something intimate with just my family.
This year, my other two children are single, so only my DIL was not included and it ended up being bad, because until 2022 all the SOs were included.
She called me privately asking if she had done anything to be excluded.
I explained everything I said above and that if any other son had a partner, it would have been the same.
She didn’t say anything else, but I heard from a third party that she said that she thought it was extremely coincidental that right in the year that she was my sole DIL I made a point of excluding her and this shows that I still don’t see her as part of the family.
My son completely understood btw.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I actually understand the euphoria of surviving something unexpectedly. The chief of radiology read my lung scans as cadaver scans at one point and the hospital told my husband they’d call and tell him ‘Where to meet her bod… (loud throat clear) where to meet her.’ But you used this joyous occasion to exclude the woman your son has chosen as his life partner.
With whom to raise a family. That is so ungracious, so unkind, and, it basically negates any prayer for the year your son has just had!!!
If your son ‘totally understands’ then your poor DIL is in for a rough time before she figures out he apparently prioritizes his mother over his family.
How sad. I was too sick to be moved to a bigger, better hospital, but they said that ‘when I crashed’ they’d throw me in the helicopter waiting upstairs and call hubby.” CheckIntelligent7828
Another User Comments:
“While it is true she’s your daughter-in-law almost, and she’s carrying your grandchild, you are allowed to have just your children that you birthed and your husband and your spiritual leader together for one lunch because you want to celebrate your still being alive after a horrendous accident.
You’re not excluding her because you don’t like her, for this birthday you want a completely intimate and special moment for your immediate family. This is allowed. Your son understands, the rest of the family understands. You weren’t mean to her. This is an extraordinarily special moment in your life.
You’re allowed to be with who you want. It’s one day, it’s one lunch. NTJ.” antique_add
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for two reasons.
1) ‘I explained everything I said above and that if any other son had a partner, it would have been the same.’ Only your son doesn’t have some temporary partner.
He has a fiancée, AKA a soon-to-be wife who is also the soon-to-be mother of your grandchild. Camile is a permanent part of your life now unless you’ve sabotaged your relationship so badly that she never wants to see you again.
2) If your grandchild was already born, would they qualify as part of this family celebration?
Your answer is undoubtedly yes. So you’d allow the child to be there, but not the mother?” Current-Photo2857
1. AITJ For Not Wanting To Share My Inheritance With My Dad And Brother?
“My grandma (dad’s mom) left me (27F) my dad’s (52M) portion of her inheritance but left him and my brother (30M) nothing.
For context, my brother and I have never met my grandad. According to my dad, he and his father had a very toxic relationship. After my dad and my mom (49F) met they started being together at university and they had my brother. My parents then got married which made my grandad stop talking to my dad.
A couple of years later had me and we’ve been living happily ever after. After my grandad died, my dad began to spend more time with his mom. We got to also spend more time with her and we even spent the Christmas holidays at their house.
She was this sweet old lady who just loved us so much. Her energy was so electric and contagious. I won’t lie when I say that Christmas as a teenager was my most cherished time.
Sadly my grandma passed away last year. After her funeral, I and my two aunties were called to speak to a lawyer.
She died with a house worth more than £500K (for context she lived near Oxford) to her name, and over £200K worth of cash and other heirlooms. When we went through the inheritance, the lawyer explained that she divided it into three equal parts. It was between her two daughters and me, who got my dad’s share of the inheritance.
She left her son nothing. When my dad found out, he protested and asked how was that possible but I wasn’t too concerned.
During the proceedings, my grandma’s lawyer who was in charge of the inheritance, gave me a letter written by her a year ago.
In this letter, to be read after her death, she explained that her husband (my grandad) had disowned my dad completely. This is because my dad is not my brother’s actual father as he’s a child from a relationship my mom had previously. My dad met my mom when she was pregnant with my brother.
My grandparents, my grandad, in particular, thought this was extremely weird. He did not approve of this and was vehemently against it. My dad didn’t listen and married my mom a year after my brother was born, which prompted my grandad to excommunicate him for good.
During the years my grandma stayed in contact with my dad but we (my brother and I) did not meet her until after my grandad died. The thing is, neither my brother nor I knew that my dad wasn’t his biological father.
A day later, my dad called me to discuss the inheritance but I didn’t want to meet him.
He doesn’t know that I know and I don’t know how to tell him I know. I haven’t received any money yet but based on this I feel like I will not share it. My family is understandably calling me greedy but I just don’t really trust them anymore.
This is already causing heavy division in my family and now I feel like dropping this news will destroy my family completely, should I just be truthful about the reasoning or what should I do?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your father married the woman he loved despite her being pregnant with someone else.
He then proceeded to raise and treat that kid as his own. He sounds like an amazing person. And your grandfather sounds like an absolute jerk. Why should he get a say in his son’s marriage and family life? I can understand that it feels weird to have to talk about this with your father, but you really should do that.
In person, not on the phone, and without your brother present since that would be an awful way for him to find out. Your parents will have to decide on how to let him know about that. All things said, your father has done absolutely nothing wrong here.
Quite the contrary. You are well within your rights to keep the inheritance, but it does make you the jerk.” Mountain_Cat_cold
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First of all, you aren’t a jerk about the inheritance no matter what you decide. Your grandma had a clear reason for what she did, so it’s not like there’s any ‘funny business’ that would make her will invalid.
Secondly, it sounds like you are struggling with the info your grandma shared, and that’s completely fair because it’s a lot! I have some thoughts. What your dad did, choosing your mom even though she was already pregnant, and raising your brother as his own so well that you never even suspected — that is an amazing act of love!
I understand that it annoyed your grandpa, but from my perspective your dad is a real hero here, loyal to your mom and loyal to your brother. I would hate it if you came out of this blaming your dad or blaming your brother, neither of whom did anything wrong.
I think it’s really sweet that your dad and grandma managed to reestablish their relationship after your grandpa died. Should you tell? I don’t know.
In general, my instinct is that secrets fester. Now that you know this, it’s going to be hard for you to hide your strong feelings.
Also, keep in mind that everyone in your family knows, at this point, except your brother. Raising the topic might be hard, but re-read my previous paragraph about what a loyal hero your dad was. He loved your brother because he CHOSE your brother, along with your mother.
I kind of feel like your brother deserves to know.
Finally, you don’t need to decide about the money right away. Your grandma dropped a crazy amount of information on you, and it’s completely reasonable for you to want a while to process. You could even tell them that.
As a general rule, when you get a big chunk of money, there is no hurry. You can leave it in cash for a while. You can invest it in safe mutual funds (I like Vanguard.) No harm in letting it sit for a year or two or three while you figure things out.
People who are all excited to do something right away typically make bad decisions.” SushiGuacDNA
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your grandfather wasn’t weird, he was cruel, resulting in fracturing his own family and not having a relationship with his son and grandchildren. He was a jerk.
Your grandma made a conscious choice to continue that cruelty, causing pain and strife from beyond the grave. She was also a jerk.
Now it’s your turn to choose. You can continue a legacy of rejection for some money and damage your relationship with your father, brother, and probably mother.
Or, you can choose to act with the love, generosity, and acceptance that neither of your grandparents possessed. You can decide to follow in their jerk footsteps or not. Your brother is as much your dad’s child as you are. Look at what denying this simple fact did to your grandfather’s family.
Look at the years of joy he and Grandma could have had with their grandchildren who were thrown away over nonsense blood ties. What do you want the next few years to look like? Think about it real hard.” Trilobyte141
Good luck. And I'm so sorry for your loss.
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