People Question Their Actions in Bewildering 'Am I The Jerk?' Situations

"My partner and I have been together for about 9 months. He is very into movies, I am more of a book girly, but I appreciate good movies too. At the beginning of our relationship, I had never seen Star Wars, and since he has been into it since he was a kid he insisted on showing it to me since he knew I like sci-fi books.

I agreed, and I fell in love with it.

Later on, we started going to all kinds of exhibitions, conventions, and events (sometimes even cosplaying) and of course, we met a lot of other Star Wars fans. He of course MUST tell everyone that he was the one who introduced me to it (which was fine with me because it's true).

After a while, though, I started to notice that people acted differently toward me after he said that. Especially the guys, sometimes they would stop talking to me and start exchanging opinions about the movies only with him, or they would start making jokes like "She's wifey material, she watched it for you even though she didn't like it," or they would start bragging about how they grew up with that saga and so on.

I didn't mind it at first, but by the fifth time it happened, I talked to my partner about it, hoping to find some comfort. I also asked him if he could please stop telling everyone because I have noticed that people address me differently.

His response was "You're crazy, nobody does that." I replied, "Obviously you don't know what it means to be a woman and never be taken seriously." Now he's upset and says my paranoia and crankiness spoil the fun. I would like to know if I am a jerk and if other girlies had the same experiences as me growing up."

Another User Comments:

"NTJ but just know that even if he didn't tell them he introduced you to Star Wars, some men weirdly have a gatekeeping system on it against women. I've been a fan of Star Wars since I was 4 which was how old I was when I saw it.

I always wanted to be Han Solo, but it seems like every time I meet a group of male fans there is always a guy or a few that take it as an extreme affront that a girl dares like something they do and they will start quizzing me on SW trivia to try and "catch" me in some lack of knowledge that makes it so I'm not a "real" fan because I didn't know the name of the weird obscure creature located on some planet that was never actually in the movies but was discussed in the books. Honestly, it's sometimes exhausting being around fans of something you love when you're a woman because your gender automatically makes you a liar or you just like it because your partner likes it." CatahoulaBubble

Another User Comments:

"NTJ. Fun? What fun? How is your partner using your shared interest as a flex around insufferable fans "fun"?  Oh, wait, he means *his* fun.  Yes, this behavior is similar to a backhanded compliment.

He's managing to put you "in your place", stroke his ego, and do it while not saying anything "bad". He bolsters his self-esteem while undermining yours.  The responses are just a confirmation that you're correct: this is not him being proud of your relationship, this is not him showing that he's happy with you being part of the fandom. He isn't going to see an issue because he's not having an issue.  If he genuinely was just mirroring bad behavior or making a mistake, he would have listened, apologized, and made the change without all this baloney." lean-cat

Another User Comments:

"NTJ. You sound like a nice person (bookworm and Star Wars fan!).

Your partner not so much. Not only doesn't he take you seriously, he doesn't mind people making sexist jokes in your presence (the "wifey" thing). You are right that he doesn't know and probably doesn't care what it means to be a woman in general and in nerdy spaces. I'm over forty and into lots of nerdy stuff (Star Wars among them) and I had to deal with my share of male gatekeeping. The difference is that my nerdy husband doesn't participate and calls it out. That's by no means a high bar and your partner managed to crawl under it. Unless your partner gets enlightened I would seriously reconsider the relationship. You deserve someone who wants to be with you because of who you are, not just to have a trophy to brag about at cons." spinni81