People Blab On About Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
20. AITJ For Siding With My Adult Stepson Over My Wife About His Travel Plans?
“I (42M) am married to a 54F (we’ll call her Janet) and she has a 35M son from her first marriage (we’ll call him Paul).
Naturally, Janet had her son young and got married young. I’m closer in age to Paul than I am my wife, but I try to be a better father to him than his father who is way out of the picture at this point.
Paul and I get along well, but he butts heads with my wife a lot. One of the biggest reasons is because she’s so overprotective of him, even though he is a grown man, has a career, and lives by himself.
Paul is planning a 3-week trip to New Zealand this summer to visit some friends he has that live there as well as do some solo traveling around.
He has traveled by himself before and Janet has always made him leave a copy of his itinerary. Janet again is asking him for a full itinerary complete with his friends’ addresses and phone numbers, hotels he will be staying at in other cities, etc.
Paul told her that’s ridiculous that she needs all of that and that he’s a grown man, if she needs to reach him, she has his phone number. This turned into a huge argument where they both looked at me for my take.
I was honest and told Janet that I think she’s being over the top and that he is a grown man. Later, this turned into an argument between Janet and me where she said I undermined her as a parent in front of her son and I should present a united front and not try to act like Paul’s big brother all the time instead of stepfather, etc.
So, AITJ? Janet asked for my honest take and I gave it to her. Now she’s mad at me. Is it not unreasonable to give a grown 35-year-old man his personal space when he travels without infantilizing him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s an adult, he doesn’t have to tell her anything regarding his trip if he doesn’t want to.
When I go on a trip, I give my mom the flight details and the info for the place I’m staying at. That’s it. Your wife needs to respect that he is an adult now and this is how adults are. And the whole “presenting a united front” to her 35-year-old, adult son, who is only 7 years younger than you, is kind of laughable.” Stranger0nReddit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Janet wants you to validate her concerns. The question is where do these concerns come from? A lot of times overprotective parents are constantly thinking the unthinkable. Shot in the dark: I’m guessing Janet has a past history of things falling apart as soon as she gets comfortable – making it kinda impossible for her to exhale and think everything will be alright about a lot of things.
I think it’s good you advocated for Paul. He’s a grown man. A mom is never going to stop being concerned about her kids no matter how old they get but if she really does seem overly protective, it could be time to address what’s lying under the surface with a professional.” MyCouchPulzOut_IDont
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is unfair for Janet to look at you “for your take” and then expect you to be dishonest. If she and her son want to work it out, they should leave you out of it. If they want your opinion, they should ask for it.
But they shouldn’t play games like this. Jerk score: 3. (1) Being crazy overprotective of a grown adult. (2) Asking for your opinion even though she didn’t want it. (3) Beating you up for being honest.” SushiGuacDNA
19. AITJ For Asking My Husband To Pause Coaching For Our Future Kids?
“Right after we got married, my husband decided to coach high school football. He had played his entire life. He loves teaching high school so he decided to try coaching. He has fallen in love with it, has worked his way up in the ranks, & wants to be head coach.
You can tell these kids really look up to him.
Coaching takes up a lot of his free time. Due to his team being good, he usually has practice & games Aug-Dec. During the off-season, he has workouts, conferences, camps, college visits, etc. His being busy with football doesn’t bother me.
He makes time for me. I also have my own career, friends, hobbies, etc. that keep me busy.
Recently we were discussing how we want to start trying for kids a few years from now. Since my husband didn’t coach when we were seeing each other, the topic of him coaching while we had kids never came up.
This is what I told him:
- If we were both working, I would expect him to take a break from coaching football while the kids are young. After work, we would both need to pitch in on making dinner, taking the kids to activities, helping them with homework, getting them ready for bed, etc. Once the kids are older & can take care of themselves more, then I would be fine with him going back to coaching.
- I would be fine with him coaching for our kids’ teams when they are younger, like if they wanted to play in a youth football league or something. I actually think it would be really cool if he did that & then continued to coach them up to high school.
- The only way I would be okay with him coaching while the kids are young was if he were able to make enough income to allow me to stay at home while the kids are young. That way I could have more energy to pour into raising the kids.
However, he doesn’t make enough income as a teacher to support a whole family so I don’t think this is possible.
- If he didn’t want to quit teaching or coaching, I think it’s best we don’t have kids then. I don’t think it’s possible for him to equally pour into his students, players, & family every day.
I am honestly okay with either having kids or not having any. As a teacher I already have students I pour into & if we didn’t have kids I would love to be a foster mentor or big sister or something.
His response really threw me off.
I’ve never seen him get so upset in my life. His response:
- Coaching high school football was his passion & he was never giving it up. How dare I even suggest he take a break from coaching?
- He didn’t want to coach a bunch of whiny little kids who didn’t know what they were doing, he only wanted to coach teenagers.
- He wasn’t going to give up teaching since he loves it & it’s also one of the few careers that allows him to coach high school football.
- Having kids someday is one of his ultimate life goals & if he never had any kids he would be depressed. How dare I even suggest that?
He is so upset with me that he is giving me the silent treatment. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Tempted to say no jerks here as you’re both entitled to your opinions on important issues, and this is a very important one. However, his answers and behavior are extremely petulant.
NTJ. That said, this is too important of an issue to kick down the road. If you both ultimately cannot agree on work/life balance when it comes to raising a kid, then you should definitely not have a kid together, and probably should not be together.
I’d suggest either a marriage counselor or a divorce lawyer. “Having kids someday is one of his ultimate life goals.” So he wants kids, but doesn’t want to do the boring parts like raising them, taking them places, and being there for them. That’s YOUR job.
Apparently.” KronkLaSworda
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You two need to get into counseling to figure out the best way to talk this over if he won’t sit down and talk to you like the adult he is supposed to be. Tbh your husband’s response is way out of line in my opinion.
It’s absolutely unacceptable for him to demand kids from you and then refuse to work with you to figure out how to give said kids the best life. Your requests are extremely reasonable asks of any parent. I don’t see a single place where you weren’t fair in what you are asking for in order to support your future kids’ wellbeing.” Stardust_Shinah
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your husband sure is. Every statement you shared as his response is an “I want blah, blah, blah” statement. He isn’t speaking or thinking about what is best for you or your future children. You, on the other hand, offered options.
Before retirement, I too was a teacher and my husband was a Secondary teacher who also coached football so I know the demands of your job and the demands of coaching. It is not reasonable to expect that your life changes in all aspects but that his goes according to his plan and his plan only.
He’ll be depressed if he never has kids? Boo hoo! He’ll be too busy with the demands of work and coaching to actually be fully invested in raising them. You sound like a thoughtful woman. Are you sure you want to be tied to someone who only thinks of himself?
Is that the kind of father you want for your children? I think you deserve better.” Pleasant_Test_6088
18. AITJ For Blasting My Brother Who Disappeared During His Wife's Labour?
“I (30M) was at my brother’s (34M) house when my sister-in-law (31F) went into labour. They live in the countryside so the signal isn’t too great sometimes unless they walk up the lane so my brother was supposed to take her to the hospital instead of calling an ambulance but for some reason, he decided to freak out and drive off somewhere.
I can’t drive so I ran up the lane to call 999, it took forever to get a signal and then it took forever for the ambulance to get to the house. I almost had to deliver the baby, she ended up giving birth in the back of an ambulance.
This whole time my brother had just disappeared. He finally turned up at the hospital about 8 hours after he disappeared. Apparently, he’d gone to our dad’s house until our dad found out my SIL gave birth and made my brother go see her.
I yelled at him outside the hospital for being so stupid. He told me that he just got scared and didn’t know what to do. I told him that he’s going to be a terrible dad if he keeps reacting like this. What’s he gonna do when the kid gets injured and it’s his responsibility to take him to A&E?
Is he just gonna dump the kid and run off to dad’s again? He’s such an idiot. He started crying and called me a jerk for being so mean to him. I just lost it with him, he was acting like a child when he should be comforting his wife and apologizing to her for being a jerk.
He called me a jerk and told me that I don’t understand what he’s feeling. I get that he was scared but he seriously needs to get a grip and help his wife. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“In MY personal opinion, you are NOT the jerk.
I get that becoming a parent is a HUGE thing, that even if you think you’re ready you’ll never truly be. BUT he just disappeared for 8 hours while his wife was in labour. What if there were complications? What if you weren’t home in the moment she went into labour?
He needs to get his act together and seek therapy, if his response to stress is to run away leaving his wife in a potentially harmful situation. And she needs to rethink their relationship if he does not.” Odd_Ad_3117
Another User Comments:
“Nope, NTJ.
I’m sorry, what? There’s a woman going into labour and her life is at stake. Your brother being scared doesn’t matter, not even the least. We have moved on to higher stakes. Okay, fine he disappeared but who the heck returns after 8 whole hours? That’s crazy and I’d divorce such a useless husband.
OP, you are amazing for keeping your act together and prioritizing the mother. Ask your brother what would have happened if you weren’t present? His wife could have died.” DiverFriendly4119
Another User Comments:
“NTJ he is already a terrible parent. His wife and child could have died from lack of access to medical care.
When things go wrong in a birth they go wrong FAST. He needs therapy ASAP. I hope you can be there to support your SIL because he has just shown her that he can’t be trusted alone with the child and he can’t be trusted to get her the medical help she needs.
This is grounds for divorce.” IgnoranceIsShameful
17. AITJ For Not Wanting My Ex To Take Our Kids To Nigeria Without A Return Ticket?
“So, let me preface this by saying that my ex (40M) and I (41F) have a very cantankerous relationship for many reasons, but communication is the biggest. He flat-out refuses to openly communicate with me. He will tell me something in passing, then plan around that small phrase or idea for months/years.
Then, he will come back to me and want me to just accept it. When I don’t, then I am the issue and that’s it. I’m wrong.
We have two kids (11F & 7M). Our 7-year-old is autistic. He is extremely smart but has social issues.
He is ok with strangers for a moment but then wants nothing to do with them. He is very content by himself. He does not like loud noises or new adventures. To get him to get a new pair of shoes is like pulling teeth.
To even get him through a 1 hr Wednesday bible study is a task. However, these battles I fight alone as their dad lives an hour away. I have the kids Sunday afternoon through Friday evening.
So, my ex stated that he was going to Nigeria in the summer and wanted to take the kids with him.
I was hesitant because the kids have never been on a plane before. Now, he wants them to go on such an extended plane ride. However, I thought I could possibly take them on a small plane ride before they leave to get them a feel for it.
Then, he said something that raised all of my red flags. He said that they would go, he would be there with them for a week or two. He would then give them the choice of staying or coming home. However, he is only buying them a one-way ticket right now.
This started an argument as I was like absolutely not.
My ex left Nigeria 13 years ago and has only been back once for a few days. My kids know nothing of Nigeria, they don’t speak Yoruba, and know his family only fleetingly from speaking to them on the phone every now and then.
They are not comfortable staying with strangers. I know he plans to take them there and drop them off. Then, he would go back to get them when he wants. His mom was here for a few years and the kids were raised around her.
I am sure she left to go back to Nigeria a month or so ago. He couldn’t confirm this, but he won’t. They know his mom very well, but still even being there with her is a stretch. This is a lot for two small kids to take in.
He has not even considered my son at all. He just keeps saying that his nieces/nephews are there for the kids to play with. My kids could care less and would be through with them all in about an hour. I know the kids would be absolutely miserable.
My ex and I do well, and my kids have lived a very privileged life. He is not even considering that. He doesn’t see the issue in me not wanting him to leave them there, and in not having a return ticket. He said if they chose to stay, the price to change the ticket would be too much.
I asked if they wanted to come home, and he said he would book them a return ticket right away. I do not want them to go at all now. He said I’m wrong. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And you may want to contact the state department to prevent him from trying to forge documents.
Tell them he may be trying to take them out of the country without your consent. I believe both parents have to agree for passports, at least in the US, so inquire about putting a notice on their profile now. Also, make sure you have their original birth certificates.” ChaoticCapricorn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He is attempting to take them from you and if this happens you may never see them again. Make sure that you have their birth certificates, passports if they already have them and flag them wherever you can so that they do not have your permission to leave the country.
Start doing this today.” Humble_Scarcity1195
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Don’t let him take the kids. This sounds like he wants to take your children away from you – for whatever time. How is your custody agreement? In most states, it is that both parents have to agree if one wants to take the children out of the state/country.
Look into that. And tell him that he can’t take the children with him to a country they don’t know with a one-way ticket! If he tries to get them out of the country – call the police for kidnapping.” Trevena_Ice
16. AITJ For Turning My Son's Old Room Into A Nursery For My Grandchild?
“I’m a 56-year-old woman and I have three children, Brad (32), Emma (29), and Sophia (23). Brad lives about 4 hours away, Emma just recently moved back home and Sophia still lives with my husband and me. Emma was engaged and the relationship became abusive so we urged her to stay with us for a while for both safety reasons and financial reasons.
She is 32 weeks pregnant with her first child (our first grandchild). She works hard but took a financial hit when her relationship ended and home prices are insanely high here.
We have a nice sized 4 bedroom home that we’ve owned since the kids were little.
All three of our kids had their own bedrooms and Brad’s room is currently vacant except for the few times a year he visits. Brad moved out about 3 years ago and did not at all take care of his room. I had to do a lengthy cleanup when he moved out and the room has been needing to be redone for quite a while.
I told Emma that I would happily help her renovate Brad’s room for the baby. The baby will be sleeping in her room for the first few months anyway but the nursery will give her a dedicated space to keep the baby’s things and for the baby to sleep once the bassinet is outgrown.
My only caveat was that the room needs to have a bed for Brad’s visits. When he comes home, he can either stay in his old room and the baby can be in a pack-and-play with Emma, or Emma can stay in the baby’s room and Brad can stay in hers.
It’s not ideal but it’s the best option for Emma at this time and we can make it work.
I was telling Brad about the plans to renovate his room into a nursery and he freaked out. He said I should have asked him, not told him.
He feels I’m trying to erase him from the family and that I’d rather have the baby than him. He said he’s not going to visit anymore or come home for the holidays because he won’t feel welcome. He feels his sister was irresponsible to get pregnant and that she’s not owed his childhood bedroom for her child.
He feels it has sentimental value and I’m just getting rid of that without second thought. I disagree with him wholeheartedly. I love all my kids (and my unborn grandchild) and I’m just trying to do right by all of them with the resources I have.
He comes home very few times a year (less than 10 nights per year) and to me, it just doesn’t make sense to have a vacant room when we could really use that space for a baby. Am I the jerk for just giving away his childhood bedroom?”
Another User Comments:
“Is this real? This an absurd thing for a 32-year-old man to freak out about. If he wants you to preserve the room, charge him rent. If his sister moved out and you decided to downsize and move somewhere else, would he freak about that?
It’s your house, obviously, you’re NTJ all before even considering this arrangement is to protect his abused sister.” carthrowaway9898
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I actually had to read back through to make sure I’d got the age right. 32 and behaving like a 15-year-old. You sound like a loving, caring mother, why would you not want to provide a lovely space for your daughter and grandchild?
Who wants to keep a 4 bedroom house empty for the occasional visit when you can use the rooms for love and laughter with a little one? It’s your house, do what you like with it. Also congrats on the first grandchild, how exciting for you.” Sarahethomas1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sorry but when you move out you don’t have ‘your room’ anymore. Your room is at your house. I moved out at 26 and at my mum’s I do still have what might be considered ‘my room’. By that I mean a room that was mine, has now been totally redecorated and is mine due to the fact I’m their only child and the only person who normally visits.
When I’m not there the cats have possession. The only reason it isn’t a guest room is the current lack of other guests. At my dad’s, there are three grown children. None of us have ‘a room’. There are two guest rooms. One is the one I prefer and as I’m on my own and it’s the smaller room I do tend to stick to it, I have a couple of things on the bedside table that stay there.
But my nephew is 4 and stays every week and that is also his room for practical purposes. On occasions when we’re all there we have a juggling act of who gets the room, who gets the other room, nephew is on a blow-up bed, and sometimes someone ends up on a blow-up bed in the lounge.
I would suggest making sure your son has a permanent drawer or cupboard or shelf or whatever if he wants to leave stuff at your house. I don’t care where I sleep but for me, I do need to know that I have basic medication, contact lens solution, hair brush, bobbles, etc if I end up there in a rush or for longer than expected. To me, that’s what makes somewhere still partly my home, if I can unexpectedly end up there for a night or two and not have massive issues with lack of basics.
Congratulations on your new grandchild by the way.” Crochet-panther
15. AITJ For Making A Dark Joke About My Deceased Dad?
“I 24m have been seeing my partner 27m for 2 years. Despite living in the same state, our parents haven’t met. My partner’s parents are moving out of state and we figured we’d get our families together before they move so they can at least meet each other.
My dad died a year and a half ago when I was in college. It was an awful time and I miss him, but I’ve been in therapy since and have had my time to grieve as I needed. My stepdad has been in my life since I was a child and I just view him as my other dad.
When people ask about my parents I just talk about the ones I still have, unless they knew my dad.
Well we were talking and I guess they forgot about what happened with my dad, we haven’t discussed it much together since it happened, but they knew me when it did.
They asked when they’ll get to meet my dad and I said “my stepdad?” and they said “no your dad.” I kind of chuckled and said “I can bring him over, but he’s not very talkative or social these days” (he is cremated).
Then they said “no problem we just want to meet him” and then I reminded them that he has passed and I was simply making a heavy joke.
They were absolutely furious I’d make a joke like that. I apologized and said I seriously was just making a joke as I thought they remembered and had no intention of hurting their feelings or making them feel bad.
They didn’t accept my apology and are still furious at me and I’m starting to feel like I crossed a line.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner’s parents are the jerks in this situation. To have forgotten such a huge moment in your life is crazy. And then to double down on it like you’re at fault that they forgot? No way. They owe you an apology for forgetting about your dad’s death, as well as for not acknowledging you were trying to lighten up an uncomfortable and unnecessary situation that they created in the first place.
I’m happy for you that they are moving further away because they sound like real pieces of work once the masks come off.” kiwihoney
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They are embarrassed that they forgot and have tried to turn the tables to be mad at you about the joke.
Ultimately they’re the ones who were insensitive for forgetting and they should simply have apologized. You are the one who lost your father – I’m so sorry – and thus you are allowed to be the one to make the dark jokes about it. You didn’t cross a line.” ParsimoniousSalad
Another User Comments:
“OP, you are very much NTJ. Sometimes people have such an abysmal tolerance for making mistakes that they have to find a way to blame anyone but themselves for it. It is not and was not your job to make them feel better about your father’s passing (and may his memory be a blessing).
There’s something called the model of concern, which looks like a bunch of circles getting gradually larger around each other. The people/person DIRECTLY IMPACTED by an event (you, in this case) are in the middle innermost circle. People in the middle circle are supposed to be able to express emotion outward to those around them (these jerks in the story) and not be burdened by the emotions of those LESS impacted in the outer circles.
In return, those in the outer circles are supposed to express care and concern inward. They made themselves the middle circle—ridiculous. Worse, they’re demanding that you should now make them feel better. And for those who are going to come in here and say that wasn’t ok to make a joke, please inform them that the entire art of standup comedy is created by people who spend much of their lives laughing so they don’t cry.
Take good care of yourself, OP.” vinnie_barbell_ino
14. AITJ For Threatening To Uninvite Family From My Wedding If They Invite My Estranged Mother?
“I’m (28M) getting married next year. I am 100% no contact with my mother and have been for the past 10 years and I have not lived in her house in 12 years (yes, at 16 I was living somewhere other than with her). That no contact is not changing for anything and yes, she has attempted to reach out and make amends in that time but I am not interested and have continued to keep all points of contact between us closed. This includes the family on her side I do talk to (mainly her parents, two of her siblings, and her two siblings five kids aka my cousins).
I talk to them because they were there for me.
The reason for the estrangement? I don’t like who she became after my dad died. I was 8 when he passed and 9 when my mom suddenly announced that all photos of Dad, all of his clothes and possessions and anything to do with him were being boxed up and sent to his parents because she wanted us to move on from dad and she wanted to be married again and she didn’t want her new husband to be uncomfortable seeing her dead husband’s face everywhere.
She wanted me to like and love whoever she married and didn’t want me to cling to a dead man who was not coming back and was no longer part of our lives. She refused to let me have a photo or two for my room and told me she would not fight with me and had already fought with his parents because they were outraged that she wanted to throw all of his stuff and photos in the trash.
From that day on my mom was cold toward me if I even attempted to bring up my dad. She did remarry, she had three (possibly more after I left) more kids. She married a man who was bitter that I wouldn’t call him dad and refused to change my last name to his and accept him adopting me.
My mother was furious with me for stopping the adoption. They had spent thousands on a lawyer who they felt would be able to push it through regardless of my feelings.
When I moved out at 16 I spent two weeks with my maternal grandparents before going to my paternal grandparents, and the relatives I mentioned above continued being supportive and understanding even after I left the state.
But now that has changed. They brought up inviting my mother and her family to my wedding several times and I told them nothing had changed for me. They would try to make persuasive arguments as to why I should invite her and let her be there for this day.
I got a little firmer with them and then they changed course and said that I should invite her other children with them, so we can have a relationship. I refused that too. Then they brought up how important it is to invite my mother.
Which is when I told them if they bring it up again or try anything to get her there, they can be uninvited. I told them I would make them leave on the day if I had to.
They told me there was no reason to be so harsh toward them.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I personally would have done the same…if they are not capable of respecting your boundaries, you cut them off. People need to stop with the “but it’s family” nonsense. Some DNA in common makes you blood-related but not family!
One needs to behave like family to be considered as such!” Sad_Consequence392
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What is it about people’s fantasies of a happy reconciled family, that they stop seeing reality and think they can impose on others so they can get that Hallmark moment?
You will need some appointed “guards” at your wedding because it doesn’t seem like people are going to give up (and since your mother will be informed where and when, she might just show up of her own volition). Honestly expect drama (unless you elope).” ParsimoniousSalad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, who you choose to invite to your wedding is only up to you and your fiance. The question of inviting your mother was asked and answered, they need to drop it. It wasn’t harsh of you to say you keep pushing your agenda and I have repeatedly told you no, you are not listening to MY wishes for MY wedding so the consequence of not dropping it is you don’t want their presence either.
Choices = consequences. It doesn’t matter if there was a possibility of having a relationship now or in the future. It isn’t their choice to make, isn’t their responsibility to be her champion or acceptable to keep forcing the issues. You made a decision about the things that were important to you and seems like you feel it is the best decision for you and your future.
That is good enough and they should be accepting of it. I find it odd that people think special events like this, which celebrate a milestone in someone’s life are a good place for a reunion. It simply isn’t, it makes a happy and memorable moment of your life awkward and stressful.” Western_Ganache4807
13. AITJ For Distancing My Family From My In-Laws After They Skipped My Mom's Funeral?
“I (42F) lost my mom in March. My husband (43M) and I have two young boys ages 5 and 2. I was very close to my mom and the loss has been extremely difficult for me.
I spent the week before the funeral with my family choosing flowers, going through old photos, and having the kids draw pictures to display at the viewing. My family is close and I found much comfort in spending time with them.
The funeral was a one-day service on a Saturday with a 9 a.m.-noon visitation and a luncheon immediately after.
My best friend was scheduled to babysit my children but on Friday she texted that she was unwell so I asked my in-laws to watch the kids instead. Fast-forward to Friday evening when one of my husband’s three brothers volunteered to babysit instead so my in-laws could go to the funeral.
On Saturday, my husband and I went to the funeral at 9:00. Family and friends came to pay their respects throughout the morning. At 11:15, my husband’s immediate family still had not come to the funeral. Strange. But eventually, my mother-in-law and father-in-law arrived for the final portion of the service.
Once the service was over, my husband and I went to pick up our kids for the luncheon. My mother-in-law said that they will meet us at lunch. The lunch was jovial and very nice. But my in-laws never showed up despite my husband calling and texting them.
I found out later that they decided to forgo the funeral lunch and instead took my husband’s brother and fiance to lunch as an appreciation for watching my kids.
I was very hurt that my husband’s parents and his grown siblings and their fiances did not attend the service or lunch.
I told my husband and he agreed so we decided to give ourselves some space and spend Easter away from his family. It’s been two weeks now and I have not spoken to them. My mother-in-law texted my husband to apologize but she did not apologize to me.
AITJ for wanting to distance my family from my in-laws for not attending all of my mom’s funeral?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved mother. I have been to many funerals of friends’ parents. I went to support my friends.
I did not know their parents well but absolutely still went. Same with ANY family or family’s inlaws and coworkers too. I went to support the living as they grieved their losses. The only excuse is sickness or too far away to travel realistically or a job that doesn’t allow you to take off (but most should) or caring for someone who can’t attend.
(In that case, one of us went while the other stayed home with the kid.) You have every right to be upset. Your husband probably should have told them what to expect and what he expected them to do. Some people don’t get funeral etiquette I think.
Personally, I think that your inlaws haven’t had to deal with grief and funerals close at hand in their own lives and are a little out of touch. I used to be like that too, before close family died. Once that happened, I was A LOT better at paying my respects and reaching out better.
It is definitely something you learn after it happens to you and you figure out what you would want friends to do for you. I hope you can go to a grief group or something. Those are pretty helpful. But give yourself lots of time and space to grieve.
The first year is the absolute worst. It still hurts later – but comes in waves.” Trick_Delivery4609
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. I really don’t know where these others are coming from. Funerals are for the people who love you to support you.
Assuming you have a positive relationship with your in-laws I think they’re pretty callous. My husband’s family banded together for me when my mom got sick and supported me from afar and absolutely would have attended the funeral if it was in the same country that we live.
Again assuming you have a good relationship with them I would broach the question of why. Maybe they had their own reasons, something about mortality or another reasonable reason. I’m not saying write them off but ask why because it’s absolutely understandable to be hurt.
You’re married to their son they are your family too.” Teradonia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve been with your husband for at least 5 years. The least his family could have done was be there for you out of respect for you and because after all this time, you are family.
Even if they weren’t that close to your mom, they should have been there to support you. They were only there for a small portion of the service and said they’d see you at lunch but didn’t show up for that?” PippaSqueakster
12. AITJ For Blocking My Grandma After She Kept Bringing Up Painful Family History?
“My (26) grandma (80) and I had an argument we had last year. We were vacationing together & had a great time for the most part but she kept bringing up how burdensome my mom is on her life.
My grandma fully financially supports her. She says she feels obligated to since she’s her daughter. I haven’t had a real tie to my mom since I was 15. She would be homeless now without my grandma as she refuses to work & she spends all her time with shady people who get her evicted from the places my grandma rents for her.
The family has all advised grandma to let her fall on her own, I myself say it every time she talks to me about the latest difficulty she has with my mother. She just says she can not.
I raised my voice after asking her to please talk about anything else because I was tired of it.
I don’t control my mom and I am fully aware of what a basket case she is. It just brings me down to hear about it and I would rather not. For a while after that, she stopped bringing it up.
My father passed away a little less than 2 years ago.
I was with her the other day and she wouldn’t stop telling me this same story she’s told me a few times before. In 2013 my dad had an agreement with my grandmother (his in-law) that grandma and grandpa would pay most of their mortgage if they can the rest. She frames the story as a mistake that ruined her life; how if not for that everything would be so much better now.
I was 13 when that happened. I couldn’t fix it and wasn’t aware of it either. I also can’t do anything about it now and the fact that he’s passed away makes it more hurtful to me. I told her please stop complaining about my family when we hang out.
It won’t help and we can’t fix it. She refused, stating that it was family history. She was simply “stating facts.”
I told her I heard it all before (this is at least the third time this exact story has been told to me since he passed.) I told her the story is boring/uninteresting to me.
She never says bad about my uncle who has a divorce I never learned about. I was angry so my voice was raised. I told her to tell me that story. She said she has no idea. She and my uncle are & always have been close.
I find it unbelievable any mother who’s not estranged wouldn’t know why her son had a divorce. I called her a liar because I was upset at this point. I was plugging my ears trying to get her to see I wasn’t interested in continuing the conversation previously when she talked about my late father but she persisted.
She texted me saying she can’t sleep & how I should not have attacked my uncle. I told her I didn’t say anything bad about him. I wanted to know that history instead if that’s how she frames it since it’s actually new to me.
I said she should be ashamed to talk bad about my father who’s passed & if she won’t apologize I will block her. She refused & wrote paragraphs about how she isn’t ashamed and did her best & listed all the ways she’s helped me.
She said “so the ball’s in your court”. So I blocked her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, even if grandma’s old and even if she dies tomorrow. OP’s emotions and traumas are valid, y’all cannot tell her to just suffer and listen to grandma about that topic again and again knowing it is affecting OP mentally.
I’ve been there with a similar scenario, OP is not at fault just because some of you felt bad for the grandma. Like OP told the grandma multiple times to stop the conversations. Both OP and grandma need to vent to the therapist not each other.” cordeliaishere
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Grandma literally waved the red flag to taunt you with the whole ball’s in your court. That is so unhealthy. Rehashing the same family trauma/dysfunction every time you interact with someone drains your energy and makes you not want to engage with that person.
You should be proud of setting a boundary and then following through. Your boundary is perfectly valid and healthy. You asking someone not to continually hurt your mental health is needed. I hope you’re able to adhere to those boundaries if any flying monkeys come out of the woodwork now that you’ve blocked your grandma.
Good luck.” geekylace
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I was in a similar situation. My mum is the middle child and has 2 sisters. 2 with absolutely rotten attitudes, liars, sweet talkers, you name it. My grandma is really lovely, but just like yours keeps bringing things from the past and repeats them over and over again.
I didn’t want to hear it and I just told her to stop. At times she can’t help herself. She lives 15h flight away. As a result, I haven’t visited in 9 years and we talk on the phone sometimes. 2019 I visited her as she was unwell and diagnosed with cervix cancer.
This took her life in just 3 months. I regret not spending much time with her. I should have been the bigger person.. my mum is similar to her but understood when I didn’t want to hear a thing about her family. I hope you will be able to sort this out with your grandma.
Don’t have any regrets. I know you’re frustrated right now. All the best.” itsbakingtime
11. AITJ For Not Giving A Gluten-Free Donut To A Kid At A Party?
“My husband and I were invited to a birthday party. We asked if we could bring anything and the host said not needed but we could if we wanted to. Since I don’t like showing up empty-handed anywhere I thought it would be nice to purchase some boutique donuts from an artisanal donut shop near us.
We got a bunch of donuts and one gluten-free donut for my husband who can’t have gluten. Side note: no one at the party has any gluten issues, we know these people fairly well.
We got to the party and set the donuts down.
Immediately this kid and his mom decided to come on over because in her words “these are the best donuts in town! Wow! Thank you for bringing them!” I open up the boxes and immediately the kid throws his hands on the GF one. I kindly said, “Oh sorry I am saving that one for my husband he can’t have gluten”.
I picked the donut out and set it aside and proceeded to tell him all the other wonderful flavors that I got! Cookies and cream, Nutella, it was donuts galore. The kid? Immediately started crying because he wanted the one I took away and his mom proceeded to begin tearing at me and yelling at me for not just giving him the donut.
“He is just a kid!”
I was stunned and I immediately just left the situation, went outside with my husband’s donut, and gave it to him. I was mortified. I thought she would calm down but NO!
This lady proceeds to go outside and make a scene about it.
A big argument ensued about how I refused her kid a donut. It was comical at this point. I calmly stated my point again, that this donut was for my husband who is GF and I know no one there has an issue with gluten so her child could have one of the others.
This lady wouldn’t let it go so here is where I might be the jerk. At this point I am sick of her entitlement so I told her just that. She is an entitled little brat and now I know where her kid gets it from.
She starts crying, making a scene, and leaves the party. The host and everyone there are just mortified and then tell me I should have just handed the kid the donut. My husband sticks up for me, and we decided to leave early.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think you handled the situation as best as you could. Kids take after their parents and it sounds like they’re an entitled family. Their lack of empathy is pathetic and honestly, it’s sad that she’s being such a bad role model for her kid.
Maybe she was going through something but no adult with decent manners and respect for others would give that much of a fuss about a donut. Discipline your kid and move on. Maybe the ONLY thing to do differently would’ve been to just keep the donut separate from the beginning, but again you already went out of your way to bring something so it really shouldn’t matter.
People are so entitled nowadays it’s ridiculous. Hope your husband enjoyed the donut.” Notyouraveragejew1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Darn, that sounded exhausting. The mom could have easily said, “Oh, honey, that is made special for people with a gluten allergy. It won’t taste like the donuts you love from ____ shop.
Oh, look! Here’s one of the flavors you always LOVE! Let’s say thank you and go eat it over here.” But nooooooo, the kid and then the mom had to immediately throw a fit, making a minor thing into a giant thing. Everyone there must have been bored with nothing else to talk about or entertain themselves with since people seemed to prefer the insanity to just nipping it in the bud.
Should have taken the rest of the donuts with you when you left, my gosh.” fallingintopolkadots
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Immature behavior on the mom’s part for not reeling in her behavior for herself and her child. She made a scene when there were literally a bunch of other donuts available, the kid probably just was along for that ride at that point.
Bad parenting, bet that kid is coddled on the word no. His being “just a kid” has nothing to do with it.” RiverAcceptable9671
10. AITJ For Having A Clown At My Wedding And Upsetting My MIL?
“I (29F) married my hubby (31M) a few months ago. Neither of us was particularly interested in spending a boatload of money on a wedding no one would actually enjoy, so we were casual. The wedding was in the party room of a pizza place we love (it’s in a recently-renovated 19th-century factory, so it’s cool-looking) and decided to let our friends and family bring their army of small children b/c pizza.
To entertain the kids, we decided to have a few carnival-themed games and snacks available and we hired a clown (M23) to do balloon animals.
I know this clown, he is a friend of my cousin’s who has good clown credentials. He was great with the kids.
We had the bright idea to invite the clown to be in some of our wedding photos, as well.
Anyhow, I noticed MIL (F60s) had been kind of distant since the wedding but I didn’t realize that she was upset at us until she came to dinner last night.
We got the wedding photos and picked our favorite, which is the two of us looking at each other dramatically with the clown standing next to us holding a big fake squeaky hammer like he was about to bonk my husband’s head. We got it framed and put it up in the house.
When my MIL saw the photo, she lost it. She blamed me for embarrassing her and continuing to rub it in her face with the clown photos, and that I should’ve put my foot down and made sure her son had a classy wedding and not the “clown show you put on”.
My husband told his mom to leave but I’m honestly kind of shaken.
The feedback from other family/friends has been positive and I’ve had a good relationship with my MIL thus far, so this was a surprise. I know a lot of people say that the wedding is for the family, not the couple, which isn’t something I took seriously until now, and I’m wondering if I should’ve considered my MIL’s feelings more when putting together the party.
So am I the jerk for my clown show wedding?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A wedding is ultimately a celebration and how you choose to celebrate is really up to the couple. If you want a carnival for a wedding, then go nuts. Now that being said…clowns are a divisive form of entertainment.
They can make a lot of people uncomfortable and their style of entertainment can be invasive. I think you and hubby just need to let the situation cool down a bit and then have a conversation about how this was what you (collectively) wanted for your day.
She’s entitled to have not liked it, but it was special and fun for you two.” coastalkid92
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it was your wedding, as long as you and your spouse were happy then all is good. Regarding your MIL, I’m confused as to why she would be embarrassed. If you had photos of her with the clown and she was uncomfortable with that, then it would be a kindness to not have those photos on display.
Do you have more traditional photos that show you and your husband without the clown, and photos of you with MIL/other family without the clown? If so, then it might be nice to get some of those printed for her and sent to her so she can share them on her social media, if relevant, but unless the clown is in every picture then even taking into account the idea that the wedding is for the families as well as the couple her reaction seems a bit odd.” ProfessorYaffle1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The wedding is a celebration of the relationship between you and your husband. Sounds like you were on the same page about how it should be celebrated, so no problem there. You didn’t do anything harmful or exceedingly offensive. You did something non-traditional, but as long as you’re on the same page, there’s no problem with that.” Kris_Third_Account
9. AITJ For Wanting To Stop Giving My Ex Her Allowance?
“I (30M) have been living with my partner (31f) for a little over a year. We share just about everything and have been through a lot of rough times (including living in her car together). When I got a new job, she indicated that she wanted to go back to college to finish her medical degree.
I was fully supportive of this, and we worked out the details of our budget together. We considered the money I was bringing in as ‘our’ money, not mine.
This was mutually agreed upon by both of us when we made the budget, that I would be responsible for paying for things (bills, food, etc) until she graduated. Included in our budget, was a small amount each of “spending” money.
Essentially, an allowance for each of us. We could spend our allowance on whatever we wanted, and often would spend our allowances on each other (gifts, paying for date night, etc).
Now I will preface this by saying it is entirely my fault this has happened, I have lived most of my life with undiagnosed bipolar and ADHD.
I recently got them diagnosed, but am still learning the ins and outs of how to behave like a normal person. I am quick to anger when I’m doing something and get interrupted. I often assume when someone is upset about something, that they are upset at, or blame me, for it, which causes me to get hyper-defensive.
I don’t do well at expressing my emotions, or how much I care about things/people. I know all of these are issues of mine, and not the responsibility of anyone else to ‘fix’.
While my partner has been supportive and tried her best to help me with these issues, as well as making me take more interest in caring for myself properly, she recently has hit her limit.
It wasn’t any one thing. I’ve never laid hands on her, never threatened her, barely raised my voice, however, my attitude reflects my emotions even in the times I am aware of what I’m doing and actively trying to calm myself down.
She broke up with me, saying that we need to fix our friendship before we can consider being in a relationship.
I do not disagree. Over the last few months, things have been steadily sliding down hill and I can see the logic of her decision, I do not blame her, I do not hate her, and I am not upset with her over this decision, and I do want us to remain friends through this.
She, in my eyes, has done nothing wrong here.
Now, there were certain things I agreed to, to which I would not feel comfortable taking back, for example, I am not comfortable dumping her car payment, cell phone bill, food for her dogs, etc. on her over this.
These, as far as I am concerned, are basic necessities of life, and she is going to school full-time.
Since all of her necessities are taken care of, I do not feel like it is fair to me to have to continue giving her additional money.
WIBTJ if I stopped giving her that money, but continued keeping up the rest of my promise to her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In fact, depending on the state of your relationship you should stop giving her any money whatsoever. You can’t both be broken up with her and pay for all her needs as if you were in a committed relationship.
You need to talk this over with her and work out whether this is a temporary rest or an actual breakup. If it is anything more than a temporary thing where you are still committed to each other even if you are taking a break from each other for a while, then you need to move on to breaking up with her financially as well.
Certainly, if she starts seeing other people you would be a fool for basically subsidizing an ex’s lifestyle while she moves on with her life without you.” kurokomainu
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Dump everything except for feeding the dog. That agreement was when you were in a relationship which you currently are not in.
This relationship seems a bit one-sided for you. You put her through school, she dumps you and moves on to someone else. You probably won’t even get the dog. Make her be responsible for her stuff. Those things like cell and care are not necessities.
She can use public transportation or a bike. She can get a pay-as-you-go phone. Maybe she can get a JOB!” Priapism911
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I think you are covering too much. You two need to disentangle yourself. There will always be a power imbalance when you have the money and she has the power over defining your relationship. Stop the allowance.
Give her a timeline to figure out her finances. She is not your responsibility anymore. If you keep covering her expenses then it smells of “I still love you and want you back”. This will backfire horribly. She broke up with you. Eventually, she will start seeing other people while you still hope to have her back.
Resentment will grow and your anger will be hard to control. So give her a timeline. And stick with it. No leeway. Then focus on you and managing your new diagnoses. A short relationship is not worth all the hassle of being her piggy bank.” DubiousPeoplePleaser
8. AITJ For Not Wanting My In-Laws To Choose My Son's Activities?
“My husband and I have a 3-year-old son and we get a lot of help from my in-laws in raising him. To be fair, my son is attending daycare, so this help is mostly referring to 1-2 evenings per week or even less.
So, my MIL started talking about my son attending a choir when he gets older..
at first we kinda laughed about it, my husband and I randomly said that we were not going to do that, but she kept on and on, and now my FIL also talks about it and they say to my son directly like will you go to this choir with grandma and stuff like that.
So it’s been like 3 years now and recently I said to my husband who has stopped making any comment about it that I don’t understand why they talk about it so much and that this is something that I consider unnecessary for his future so apologies, I am not going to offer it as an activity..
if he chooses so when he gets older, that is fine but if he hears about it all the time it feels like a brainwashing thing.
I appreciate the help but I also think that the activities and the education are the parent’s job to be chosen.
Was I harsh on my husband? I think I am upset because he is just not putting them in their place.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – your in-laws want to share something they love with their grandchild, which is a nice thing really.
Your son might really enjoy it and music is great for children’s development. You and your husband have to be a united front and you’re not feeling that at the moment. If your in-laws look after your kid once a week and take him to choir, so what?
But you and your husband have to make it clear that if your kid wants to do something else or isn’t into choir long term, your in-laws don’t have a right to push or insist he continues.” justbraised
Another User Comments:
“You don’t consider music necessary for his future?
You won’t offer it to him as an option? You’ll choose his activities for him? Putting them in their place? Controller much? I fear for your son’s opportunities in life given your attitude that you have already decided that you’re going to control him that much.
YTJ.” Fredsundertheblanket
Another User Comments:
“The moment the two of you said he wasn’t going to be in choir, they should have respected that and stopped. The way they continue to talk about it makes me think it’s entirely possible that they’ll try to make it happen when the time comes, especially if they’re watching him at that time.
NTJ.” SunshineShoulders87
7. AITJ For Not Wanting To Introduce My Partner To My Family Because Of His Long Beard?
“My partner and I met online in December of 2022. In his pictures, he was clean-shaven or had no longer than an inch of beard hair. Legitimately 30 seconds before I walked into our first meeting, he texted me word for word “how do you feel about beards?” to which I replied something along the lines of “I like them!” That was not a lie, as I do like the common beard.
I walk up to our meeting and see him standing there with a beard that’s like armpit level. I made a comment like “I didn’t know you meant that kind of beard” and he laughed it off. To be honest, I was instantly turned off because I felt both deceived and less attracted. Fast forwarding through the meeting, we had a great time and really hit it off.
On our second meeting, I asked him about the beard and he told me he planned on cutting it around May of 2023. I was thinking to myself “okay I won’t tell him I don’t like it because it will be gone in a few months.
I can do this!” But May came and went and the beard was still there. I finally began to allude to not liking it. He told me he’d now cut it in December of 2023. December came and went and at that point, I started to be more open about the fact that I did not like it.
Today, the beard is now approaching his belly button.
Now, my partner has told me he likes the beard because it makes him more recognizable in his business, which gets him a lot of deals. He hasn’t admitted this but I also know he really likes the attention he gets from the beard.
We can’t go an hour without someone commenting on it when we’re out. However, he takes the comments as compliments, and I see them as people commenting on a spectacle (like “wow, look at that guy with 3 heads!”).
I really hate it. My partner is a great guy and so handsome, but it makes him look old and disheveled. Also, for some context, we’re an interracial couple with a 13-year age gap.
It is to the point where I refuse to introduce him to my family. I live out of my home state so I have been able to avoid it, but my best friend recently came to town and saw the beard in person and she was in utter shock.
I know that if he has this beard, my dad will not like him and the age gap will be even more apparent to him. My dad had a very negative reaction to my sister’s now husband who is 10 years older but looks her age.
Of course, my dad’s opinion of him should not sway how I feel, but I obviously want him to have a good first impression. AITJ for wanting him to cut it and not wanting to introduce him to my family until he does so?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My reason for this is he has given you time commitments/promises and gone back on them without communicating reasons. It seems he is intentionally making promises to ease your concerns at the time knowing full well he’s not going to commit later on.
I don’t think that’s going to change. It sounds like you aren’t compatible, nothing wrong with that. Not to mention you didn’t like the beard in the first place and it’s only gotten progressively exaggerated. Save yourself from wasting more of both of your time.” SirMcFlufflez
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You do not have to like it. But he also does not have to cut it for you. Reverse the roles and imagine him saying he likes women more with really really short hair… or idk. Unshaved legs. Stupid examples but you get what I mean?
If it is a dealbreaker. Talk to him. Maybe he will shave maybe he will break up with you. Or maybe you should break up. But you apparently really like him. And most of your complaints seem to be about the opinions of OTHER people.
So… I don’t think he will ever get a leg up to be honest.” Both-Fudge1866
Another User Comments:
“You got into a relationship with a guy with a big beard, and now a year and a half later you want to confront him about how ashamed you are?
YTJ. I can also only imagine the skewering a guy would get if he posted “When I first met my partner, she surprised me with her hairy legs. But we really hit it off, I’ve been with her for 18 months and love her, but everyone snickers and makes comments about her nasty hairy legs.
It’s incredibly unattractive to me and I can’t introduce her to my parents like this. How do I get her to shave her legs?”” EldritchAnimation
6. AITJ For Snapping At My Friend Who Kept Pressuring Me To Return To The Film Industry?
“I (28m) used to work in the film industry as a freelancing wardrobe stylist/costumer from I was 21. I met said friend (26f) on set early in my career where she also just started off her career.
2+ years ago, I left the industry of years of near non-existent work-life balance, being taken advantage of, and pay issues (underpaid or constant late payment which is common in my country due to no unions exists here). Doesn’t help that I had worked 3 months with my pay being withheld for a project at the end of my film career.
So I left the entire scene for an office hour job that pays significantly less than freelancing but is stable with benefits. My current job is something many are surprised that I took it up (I work in libraries now lol). My friend let’s call her Ally.
So Ally is a nepo baby in the industry. Her father is a long-time video editor and her aunt was someone prominent with strong influences in the local scene so she didn’t face any issues that I faced, who had no one to protect me from the nonsensical business practices of the industry.
She couldn’t seem to grasp the concept that I left my passion to work in corporate. I tried to explain to her my situation (I’m the oldest child and only son in an Asian household, and I am the main breadwinner of my family of 6) and the fact my passion for creative work had died. I was more interested in stability.
Still, she questioned my choices.
Ally kept asking the same questions for 2 years. Kept trying to coax me into joining back the film industry, kept saying that working for passion was better suited for me or she has no friends in the industry anymore (there were a good number of people who left).
I kept trying to get her to understand that I’m happy and comfortable with my current job. Recently, she asked me the same question when we met for dinner and this time I was kinda in a bad mood. So I snapped at her in public.
I called her out for her blatant disrespect for my choices and the fact she saw how much I had to endure working in film, how I was unhappy in the end. I told her that she’s an idiot and to get lost. Paid for my meal and left.
Now that I have managed to cool down, I feel guilty for causing a commotion in public and embarrassing her. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I work in film. I’m leaving for a stable, lower-paying job. People who don’t have or value work/life balance in the industry don’t get the people who are unhappy and want to leave.
I mean the conditions we are brainwashed into not only accepting but advocating for are insane. You’re taking care of yourself, maybe she’s a bit resentful. But a friend should be happy for you, not pestering you to go back to a life that made you unhappy.
Best of luck in your new career!” potatochipqueen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Two years should have been enough for her to understand. It seems like she’s implying your job is inadequate, which is toxic – she is not listening to you and does not care about your well-being, which is disrespectful.
However, handling it more “gracefully” could have been better, perhaps this is why you feel guilty? You can apologize for raising your voice but stand by your decision to confront her. Since she appears to struggle with understanding, it might be best to ignore her tbh.
Ally is far to be the friend of the century.” Dju_Su
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Her for hounding you, you for letting her hound you for two years and building up anger to the point where you snapped. A year and eleven months ago, a simple ‘you keep asking me, and I keep giving you the same answer.
My answer is not going to change, and I would like you to stop asking’ would have gotten the message across; if it didn’t, there were far better ways to deal with it than snapping. Like ‘Hey, I’ve asked you to drop this subject. Next time you bring it up, I’m going to assume we’re done hanging out, and leave.
I’d really like you to respect my wishes on this subject.'” Cent1234
5. AITJ For Refusing To Help My Mom Financially After She's Supported My Siblings But Not Me?
“I have a contentious relationship with my mother and we recently started talking after a 6 month period of zero communication. We both have legitimate problems with each other.
I believe her reaching out to me was more because my three siblings were getting tired of her and they started to shun her. I did take the opportunity to reconnect because life is short but this time with firm boundaries. One of those boundaries was do not offer her money or do anything for her.
Why?
Because she does these amazing things for my siblings like pay their rent, help them buy a house, pay their legal fees, etc but she didn’t do anything for me when I needed it. To add insult to injury, all she does is complain about how badly she’s treated by my siblings when she does so much for them.
Literally, my mom hasn’t given me money since I was in high school. I’ve given her more money in the last 10 years than she’s given me in the last 20.
Recently my mom asked me for $400 for a storage unit and to help her move to a smaller place.
I asked why she couldn’t ask my other siblings and she said they have their own things going on (one’s having another kid, one is moving, one lives out of state) and didn’t wish to bother them.
I said no. In the past, I would have said yes and it wouldn’t be any skin off my back but then I’d feel angry towards her asking me for help and money when she hasn’t done anything for me but does so much for others.
I told her she gives my siblings tens of thousands of dollars a year so she needs to “bother” them.
She said they helped her out “too much.” I said no, I’m not here to give you money and to help you with things so you don’t have to cause an “inconvenience” for your kids whom you bankroll at my expense.
If you were paying my rent or helped me get a house then I’d help you at the drop of a hat but you don’t.
Of course my siblings are outraged and saying that I’m selfish and how they’ve been the ones helping her out over the last few years and shouldn’t shoulder it all.”
Another User Comments:
“How do you know that your siblings aren’t telling the truth when they say that they’ve been helping your mom financially over the last few years, rather than the other way around? It seems hard to believe that your mom is simultaneously giving your siblings tens of thousands of dollars while having to downsize her own housing and not being able to afford a $400 storage unit.” Ok_Remote_1036
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would have a conversation with your sibs to determine if what she’s told you she was doing was truthful. And to tell them what you’ve done over the years. If it wasn’t, I would then go NC again.
She is not truly interested in a relationship but in a cash cow. Life is too short to donate your money and time to emotional vampires. Even if she is the one who gave birth to you.” Special-Parsnip9057
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but too many words are being used to justify your no. Just say “sorry, I can’t afford to help you with that right now”.
Do not explain why, do not suggest other options. Just say no and move on. If she wants to complain about lack of funds, just put empty “aw, that sucks” and “I’m sorry you’re dealing with that right now” types of comments. Offer nothing but platitudes.” Famous_Connection_91
4. AITJ For Buying My Niece McDonald's To Stop Her Tantrum?
“My sister (F36) got a new car last week, and I (F32) offered to help her pick it up.
I would drive us there in my car, we would drive back separately. It was a weekend so my niece (F8) had to come with us.
She is quite small and still needs a booster seat, rather than fuss around switching the seats into the new car, it was decided niece would just travel in my car there and back.
It was a 6-hour round trip and my sister packed a lot of her favorite snacks, lunch, and entertainment, to make the journey more comfortable.
On the drive back my niece complained she was hungry, but refused to eat anything that was packed. It got to the point where she was crying and I couldn’t take it anymore, so when we came back through a town again, I bought McDonald’s to quiet her down.
(They are not a health nut family, the fast food isn’t the issue).
My niece has been acting up a bit lately, pushing boundaries, etc and her new way of doing that is refusing food unless it is exactly what she wants. Throwing a tantrum etc and her parents are trying to nip it in the bud, by not giving in.
This is not a neurodivergence thing, it’s just kids being bratty sometimes.
My sister gets really dodgy cell reception and I did send her a message before stopping, but I didn’t get a reply and made the call to stop anyway.
She is upset that I gave in, especially since I know already what they are trying to do.
I feel like this was once and if anything it just tells my niece I’m a pushover but not her parents. She was crying in the car and I was stuck with her, I just wanted her to quiet down and this was the easiest solution.
My sister says I undermined her parenting etc.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I was gonna suggest you should have asked the mom first, but you tried. Your sis is being upset for no reason if she’s angry at you, especially when you’re doing her a favor by giving her a ride.
She should’ve just told you not to do that or given you prior warning of the possibility the kid was gonna cry in the car. Info: Probably unrelated but how the heck was this a six-hour long car ride?!” nerdcoffin
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You already listed the reasons why so you already know.
If you didn’t know about these issues, that would be one thing. But you do and just disregarded your sister’s parenting. That’s not ok at all. Yes, you did her a favor. That doesn’t give you blanket permission to do whatever you want with your niece.” WifeofBath1984
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It would be one thing if there was no food available or maybe if it was food she wasn’t used to eating and didn’t like but you’re admitting that she’s just trying to push boundaries and get away with things and you let her do it.
You think it teaches her that you’re a pushover, maybe that’s true, but it also taught her that any time she’s around you then she can cry and get whatever she wants. And if she knows she can do it with you then she’s going to think she can do it with other people too.
This is the exact type of behavior that you were aware of and the type of behavior the parents are trying to correct.” Ancient-Character-65
3. AITJ For Lying About Dinner Being Ready To Ensure It's Eaten Hot?
“I (23M) have been living with my partner (29F) for a little over a year. She works from home as a software developer and makes more than enough funds to comfortably cover all our expenses, so I do the homemaking, which includes cooking dinner every night.
Lately, she’s been especially busy at work and staying in her home office later and later. Even after leaving, she’ll often have to answer messages from work. Needless to say, she has been exhausted and hasn’t had the energy to go out or do fun things together.
I try to at least give her a delicious hot dinner that we can always find time to eat together. But when I call her over because dinner is ready, it’ll often take her 5-10 minutes to actually come. Sometimes she’s responding to a work email, sometimes she’s playing video games and wants to finish what she’s doing, sometimes she’s just decompressing on the couch and takes a long time to get up.
I’m sympathetic to her situation, but it really bothers me when I work hard on dinner and she doesn’t even eat the food when it’s hot and at its best. It’s even more frustrating when she complains that the food is cold or mushy because if she had just come when I called her it would be much better.
A few weeks ago I decided to try calling her for dinner 5 minutes before the food was actually ready, and most of the time this worked and she showed up when the food was still fresh. But last night she actually did show up immediately after I called her, while the pasta was still boiling.
She asked why I called her when the food wasn’t finished yet and I explained that I didn’t think she’d actually come until a few minutes later.
Initially, she seemed fine with it and was just a little annoyed that she had to wait longer for dinner.
But as we were eating she asked how long I had been lying to her about dinner being ready. I answered her straightforwardly because I didn’t think it was a problem, but she just got more and more upset that I had apparently been manipulating her for weeks, and that I didn’t understand why lying to her is a big deal. She ended up not finishing dinner and slept in her office.
I guess that what I did is technically lying, but it’s just a little white lie that ultimately benefits her. Even when she had to wait for pasta, she didn’t go without dinner for any longer than she usually would. But she got so angry last night that I keep wondering if I actually did something really bad.
I can’t keep bouncing it around in my head anymore so I’m seeking a reality check from an impartial perspective. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I’ve had to do this with my family from time to time. I don’t know why she’s upset about this.
You’re making her supper. You can ask her to join you while you prepare the dinner, so you guys can talk. Give her a warning that supper will be on the table in X amount of time. Better yet, just have it ready at the same time every day.
If she’s not at the table, then eat without her. If she’s not a narcissist, she’ll eventually realize how rude she’s being. Something to consider. She may make the funds, but you should get a job for your own security. Never be financially dependent on someone else when you’re capable of earning your way.
If you don’t work, you won’t have any retirement savings in social security or other investments. You need to start saving young, so you’re not homeless later on. You don’t know what’s going to happen with this relationship, but since you’re not married you have no rights.
If the relationship ends, you want to be able to land on your feet. I’m saying all this assuming you don’t have a trust fund or other financial means.” lilolememe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Gonna say, though: this is very likely not about the dinner.
It sounds like she’s stressed out. Talk to her. Say you’re sorry for lying but that you thought it was better to call her early than have the food get cold. Ask her to level with you about how she’s doing, let her know that you want to help and support her, but you can’t do that unless she actually lets you know what’s wrong.
If that doesn’t work and she’s really this upset about being called five minutes early…then you have bigger issues.” Rega_lazar
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The solution I have always used is to give a warning in advance – ‘tea will be ready in ten minutes’.
That means everyone has a chance to finish what they are currently doing and head to the table in time for food to be served. As it is, your current system of saying it is ready before it actually is to trick her is slightly underhanded but understandable.
She complained when it was cold, and this seemed an appropriate way to try and ensure she was there on time.” Nrysis
2. AITJ For Suggesting Two Separate Rooms For Our Wedding Reception?
“I (25M) am recently engaged to my lovely fiancee (25F). We have been together for 4 years.
We have started general wedding planning. Her family is much bigger than mine and she wants more of a “party” type wedding, with lots of music and dancing. My family is all a bit older than hers (she is the oldest sibling while I am the youngest), and they aren’t into big, loud weddings.
They would prefer something quiet and more focused on socializing, and I would too.
My fiancee said we could do an extended cocktail hour and/or start the reception later so there would be more time for quiet socializing, or even start the whole wedding earlier in the day so it wouldn’t go as late.
She also suggested that we could take our wedding photos before the ceremony so that we wouldn’t have to miss cocktail hour to do them.
I suggested that instead, we find a venue with two separate rooms. That way her family could have a louder party in one, and mine could have a quiet reception in the other.
It would be in the same venue so each side could still go over to the other to socialize.
My fiancee said she “actually really hates” that idea. She said she feels like that defeats the purpose of a wedding, which is supposed to symbolize the union of two people and their families.
She also said she doesn’t want to do that because she worries I’ll spend the entire reception with my family and that she’ll have to choose between spending the night with me but ignoring her family, or being with her family but us “basically being separate at our wedding.”
She also said she feels like the wedding we’re planning is becoming less and less ours and more mine. She said this because she originally wanted a child-free, non-religious wedding but compromised on a church ceremony with children allowed because that is what I want.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She’s right. Your family is going to have to mingle with hers. That’s what a wedding is. “They would prefer…” Great, and when they get married, they can have a wedding according to their preferences. It’s not their wedding. It’s yours and your fiancée’s.
”
My fiancee said we could do an extended cocktail hour and/or start the reception later so there would be more time for quiet socializing, or even start the whole wedding earlier in the day so it wouldn’t go as late. She also suggested that we could take our wedding photos before the ceremony so that we wouldn’t have to miss cocktail hour to do them.” Those are all reasonable compromises from her.
You should pick one of those.
“She said this because she originally wanted a child-free, non-religious wedding but compromised on a church ceremony with children allowed because that is what I want.” And here’s where you are the jerk. This isn’t a compromise. This is her deferring to you and your wishes.
A compromise would have been EITHER a religious service without kids OR a secular service with kids. You’re not looking to compromise, though, you’re looking to dictate conditions. Weddings and marriages are about compromise and communication. Your future wife has already made a lot of concessions for you.
Now it’s your turn.” 7hr0wn
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You aren’t compromising at all, and you aren’t hearing your fiancee very clearly tell you that she is aware you aren’t compromising or even considering her as THE person to plan this wedding with. I don’t exactly understand what you want out of a reception, to be honest. You don’t want it to be loud but you wanted children involved. You don’t want it to start earlier, you don’t want an extended cocktail time before the reception, it seems the only thing that would make you happy is two separate rooms. Your fiancee rightfully points out that this would mean there are two events going on, and where would you spend your time?
How would anyone have fun at all? So your fiancee has already made two big compromises – children and religious ceremony – and has given you a bunch of ideas that actually really would work. A day wedding with a longer cocktail hour, pictures before the ceremony, give “older” people plenty of time to enjoy family and the venue, and those who want to stay for a “louder” reception could then go and have a great time.
But where are you compromising? Where are you putting your fiancee first?” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – With all due respect this is a dumb idea. Nothing says this is not a union of families than having two separate rooms. It’s also completely impractical for a wedding.
She’s right you’ll end up in one room and her in the other. Not the most promising start to married life…” ReviewOk929
1. AITJ For Spending Weekends At My Partner's House Against My Parents' Wishes?
“Recently I (22M) have been spending nights at my partner’s (22F) house every weekend and her parents are fine about it, they don’t see any issue and they say it’s fine.
However, my parents don’t think the same, they don’t like my partner for no reason and don’t like the idea of me staying to sleep at her house. They get really mad about it and get really mad with her.
I am currently living in Spain and studying, working and living with my aunt, she doesn’t care if I go.
I love my partner and have been with her for about 1 year and 2 months and I love spending time with her, however, my mother tells me I should be spending that time on other things like studying more or spending time with my aunt and telling me that I am not authorized to go to my partner’s house, that she doesn’t like me being there.
However, I feel like it’s my decision where I spend my free time. I have tried speaking with her but she is reluctant to see my perspective, my parents are old-fashioned and believe what I am doing is not correct at all, however, I don’t see why.
I do not pay my college fees my parent do, and my aunt doesn’t charge me for living with her.
AITJ for going out every weekend to stay with my partner?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Of course you are an adult and you can do as you please.
Your parents are also adults and can stop paying your college fees if they please. And your aunt is an adult and can stop allowing you to live for free if she pleases. If your parents are paying for your college and your aunt is paying for your living expenses, then you owe them some respect.
Perhaps your parents are concerned that you will neglect your studies or start a family with this girl and drop out of school. Mostly I would say that you should make sure your grades are good and that you are helpful and considerate around your aunt’s house.” 1962Michael
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are a grown man who should not be obligated to answer to his parents where he is spending his free time. It is lovely of them to be covering the cost of your college but highly inappropriate of them to try and use that to control your life.
If this is their ideals then you should be very careful about taking any monetary gifts from them going forward. Stop telling them where you are at and who you are spending time with as it really is none of their business. Tell him you’re spending nights at the library going forward.” Jovon35
Another User Comments:
“Every single comment so far has been NTJ so I’m going to play devil’s advocate. You’re young. You’re still figuring out who you are. You only get one life to live and your parents are older and likely wiser than you are.
And they are paying for your education and living scot-free with an aunt. Be grateful by pouring yourself into your education. You can tell them it’s your life and you’ll live it how you want when you’re older and aren’t living on everybody else’s dime.
And know what they do for you doesn’t mean they get to hold it over your head. But I’d imagine your mom fears you squandering your life by knocking some chick up you won’t even like 5 years from now. And I bet they don’t dislike your SO for no reason.
Are you seeing each other for fun? Are you hoping to find a wife someday? You probably won’t get a do-over if you mess this up.
You’re being given a huge gift right now with all of this help you’re being given. It’s not a right.
It’s a privilege and an honor. Dismissing their concerns won’t help your relationships either. Try to be wise, your parents ultimately just want you to succeed in life and live up to your fullest potential. There will be time for a woman later you know.
At the least make sure you’re always prioritizing studies. Try to honor your parents while also not letting them dictate everything..find some balance. Maybe you and your partner can study together. You would regret dishonoring them someday. Your brain actually isn’t even fully developed you know.
I’d say adulthood truly starts more like 25. Even if you say 18 then you’re a 4 yr old adult. Lol. Try to heed their warnings and advice. Do you want to be a parent someday? One who can afford to give their child an education too? Do you realize what a big deal that is?” Cost_Competitive
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