People Question Their Moral Compass In These "Am I The Jerk?" Chronicles
17. AITJ For Cutting Off My Depressed Friend After He Disrespected My Relationship?
“To start, I have no problems with this person and I do hope he gets better.
I’m 20 years old, this will matter in terms of the context of the story. I have a friend who I will call Brett. Brett is my age and we went to high school together.
He was always a really smart and creative kid and I thought he would be doing great things at an early age. He was into graphic design, art, writing and all things artistic. In our senior year of high school Brett was out for 3 months and I figured he was just unwell and that is exactly what his brother told me.
Flash forward to graduation and I find out he was at a mental hospital and he had actual depression and needed help. We hung out and I made sure I was a good friend to him. He was heading off to school very far from here so I made sure to see him off by hanging out with him a lot.
He would still face time me at school and it seemed everything was going well for him. He was going to parties, making out with girls, and he even had a significant other for a moment. He was a computer science major, but at the end of the school year he said he doesn’t like his major and he might change it.
One day I hear that he is dropping out and might go to school when he figures things out. I wasn’t worried because I figured he was gonna work and think about what career he wants to pursue. I ask him if he is gonna work while he is out of school and he says he is gonna start looking.
5 months go by and he hasn’t found anything. I push him a bit and tell him he has gotta do something but he kinda just shrugged me off. I thought “ok this is whatever but he is still my friend so we should hang.” I hang out with him pretty frequently and one day I see a bunch of freshmen at his house.
I’m not talking about freshmen in college, I’m talking freshmen in high school. I kinda found this weird but I didn’t judge so I just was friendly and acted like I was down when in actuality I really wasn’t. Skip 3 days later and I get a call.
The person who called is his mom asking where he is and if I had seen him. She starts telling me that he is hanging out with some boy named George (hid his name here) and all they do is cause trouble. I tell her I will call him and assure her everything will be ok.
I call and he doesn’t answer. I call all our friends and he still doesn’t answer. Finally at like 3 am his sister calls and says he found him. My heart stopped beating and I was not worried anymore. If you think this is a one-time thing you are wrong.
This happened 6 more times over the next few weeks and I was so annoyed. They once found him in the back of a bus 10 miles away.
I was annoyed but I was still really patient with him. Before I tell you what happens here just know that me and my significant other were fighting and we broke up for like 3 months at the point of this happening.
One day I get a text from her saying she saw Brett. I then get a text from Brett saying “I just saw your ex.” And I was kinda keeping us a secret at this moment. I wanted to be sure we were back together.
I respond to him by saying “oh that’s cool how was that?” He then responds with saying “it was good her features are still as nice as ever.”
And I lost it I went black for a second. I reply with “Listen jerk she is my girl now so back off, and even if she wasn’t, who says that to someone who literally broke up with his girl 3 months ago, you jerk.” He was Taken back and apologized for his mistake right away.
I said I was sorry and I apologized for going off but I am really protective of her and hearing things like that got me mad. Cut to 3 days later and he is teasing me saying why am I with her again and when a relationship ends it’s done (he has been in 2 serious relationships both lasting two weeks, this is not a hyperbole).
One day I open my social media messenger and it’s a message from him with a tumbler-styled photo with a caption saying “going back to a relationship that ended is like rereading a book, it has the same ending.” So I got really mad but I was calm.
I just replied with “Brett not to be a jerk but we are working things out and I appreciate the advice but you really should mind your own business here.” He then responds with curses and telling me with how I am a coward. I just said ok and didn’t really care that much.
He then says “I don’t wanna talk to you anymore so bye, and btw I know something about your girl that you don’t!” I just responded with “The person who is most desperate in an argument curses the most to feel validated. (Or something along those lines.
I then clicked off and asked my girl about it and she said she wouldn’t know. (One thing about us is that we told each other everything like all the unpleasant parts on her side and my side.
We broke up before cause of constant arguing not betrayed trust.) I trusted my significant other and just left it as it is.
The next day I see he unfollowed me and blocked me on social media. I told myself I’m not gonna wanna deal with him ever again so I blocked him on all platforms and his number. His mom called me the next week and I told her that I had no idea and we were fighting so I’m not sure if he wants to talk to me.
We have mutual friends and I still hear about him from many people. Everyone says he is doing bad and even visited the hospital a couple of times. I always feel bad and I don’t know if I am a jerk or not. I always ask mutual friends now if he is ok and I fear the day I hear that he is gone.
People ask me if I hate him and I reply with “nah I still love him like a bro, but he is mad and I don’t think we can be friends again.” I wanna text him but I lost his number and I feel really dumb asking for forgiveness when he kinda disrespected me.
Am I a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Depression is tough and it’s great you stuck with him through phases where he wasn’t making good choices. But you are not responsible for him. You can’t make him change if he doesn’t want to, and it sounds like he is toxic.
Hopefully he gets treatment that helps him, and perhaps he will talk to you and be a better friend. But depression is neither an excuse to be a jerk, nor a reason to continue contact with someone if you don’t want to contact them. That’s how you end up feeling trapped in a relationship.
Keep checking on him if you want, but if he doesn’t wanna talk to you and you don’t wanna talk to him then don’t go out of your way.” StragglingShadow
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s tough to have to take such a drastic step as no contact to protect yourself, but you did the right thing.
If he doesn’t take the steps to right himself, that is his choice. It is your choice to take care of yourself and your significant other.” Steel_Town
16. AITJ For Feeling No Empathy Towards My Father?
“My dad has always tried to be a good father to me, but he never really was.
He was never really there for me. My earliest memory of him having expectations of me but not guiding me through those expectations was when he gave me an Algebra book when I was seven years old, and he said, “Read this book and learn it.” I was just a kid, so I had absolutely no intention of sticking my face into a book all the time.
I’d have much rather hung out with the neighborhood kids, which is what I did. At one point, he got really disappointed in me, and told me that he’s sad that I’m not willing to learn Algebra (I still wonder to this day why he didn’t try to teach it to me instead of getting me to learn it by myself).
My parents used to always fight a lot, too. That can be really, really traumatic for a kid growing up. The house I grew up in was always cacophonous, but I couldn’t handle it anymore. So one day, when I was about nine or so years old, I went up to my parents and said, “Stop fighting!
Please.”, to which my dad responded, “WE’RE FIGHTING BECAUSE OF YOU!” Long story short, that started a seed of guilt in me, and, after years of it festering in me throughout various scenarios in my life, it’s sprouted into an ugly plant that has its thorns around my neck; it makes me scared of everyone around me in fear of how I might offend them.
I’d say that I’m careful with my words, but it’s more like I’m just too scared to speak because I really won’t want to disappoint people. This has messed me up pretty badly.
Fast-forward to a couple years later. After a lot of self-therapy, I’ve been able to separate my emotions from my values.
I’ve always looked up to being a strong person both emotionally and mentally, so I’ve made it a life definition that if I were to ever become that sort of person, I’ve got to learn to first love myself and stand up to myself. So, one day, at the dinner table, I told my dad to stop making noises when he eats.
I absolutely hate those noises, and I’ve been holding it in for many, many years, to which he responded, “Look, I’m your dad.” And he’d proceed to do his thing without listening to me. Fine, that’s cool. I’m not here to force him against his will, but his response was bad.
After years and years of me asking him for favors or having my own opinions on things (i.e. just being an individual), he’d always angrily respond, “Look, I’m your dad.” I soon came to realize that that was his way of saying, “I’m your father, so you can’t talk to me like that.
In our household, I’m the absolute supreme being, and nobody is allowed to speak against me. I’m always right and you’re always wrong. To go against that ideology is to go against the very laws in MY house.” After realizing that that’s what he meant, I started to realize something in me: it wasn’t only guilt that was festering in me.
It was a deep, dark hatred of his totalitarian rule against me and mother. So, I started to stop caring.
Last night, he was trying to teach me about programming. The thing is, I’ve been studying a lot, so I know a bit or two about it.
At least, more than him. But he doesn’t want to admit that. He always wants me to know less than him. So, to try to catch up to my knowledge (or whatever it is that he’s trying to do), he makes stuff up. He’s talking about source code compilation like it’s some sort of high-level computing concept, when, in actuality, it’s the basic of the basics: it’s just how computers are able to read code.
Simple as that. But no, he wants it to be something that’s beyond my recognition. Growing up the way that I did in the environment that I did with the things in my mind, I’ve come to become a somewhat cold person who has absolutely no remorse for those who are fake.
So, I called him out on it. I asked, “Do you even know what you’re talking about?”, and he said, “You can’t talk to people like that.” I responded, “I’m only asking a question. Do you even know what you’re talking about?” He didn’t answer.
He just got up and left.
I know I should feel bad about it, but I didn’t. I don’t feel any empathy for that man anymore. I’ve seen him verbally mistreat my mother left and right. Whenever she wanted to say something, he always screamed over her.
Whenever she woke up at 5AM in the morning to make him delicious food, he’d respond by saying, “This food tastes bad.” He never respects all of the effort she puts into trying to make him happy. These days, I try to do most of the work.
All she does is cook now. I do all of the cleaning, laundry, sometimes cooking, etc. I just want to take off most of the load from her because she’s been dealing with enough. I can’t really say that I hate my dad, but he never leveled with me from father to son.
He was always the dictator in the household, and he never really talked to me. He never played sports with me, and he never showed up at any of my sports games growing up. He never cheered me on, and he never congratulated me for finding my passions if it weren’t what he wanted for me.
He was never happy for me. The only times he was happy was when I did what he told me to do. He was happy when my mom did what he told her to do. I’m so sick and tired of this nonsense. Now, he won’t even talk to me after I questioned his knowledge on a topic, but, quite honestly, I don’t care.
He can sulk in his room. For all I care, it just means less chaos in the household. Am I the jerk for feeling this way towards my own father?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You simply spoke up against a borderline abusive husband and bad parent.
You don’t have to do anything he says and you shouldn’t feel bad for going against him.” A_C_Underdog
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – he definitely is. But please be careful not to become too cold or distant from others. You have no obligation to be warm with him.
But don’t let his abusive and narcissistic attributes keep you from happy and fulfilling relationships. ” Glatog
15. AITJ For Being Upset That My Husband's Best Friend Overstays His Welcome Every Week?
“My husband and I just got into (another) argument because his best friend who comes over every Wednesday is (again) staying the night.
My husband and this friend have had a Wednesday night “hangout” where the guy comes over to our house to “jam” every week for the last two years, and I’m getting to the point that I want to hit the guy over the head with whatever is closest at hand every time he is around.
At first he was supposed to come over just for a few hours on Wednesday nights to play guitar with my husband while I was at work. Over time I have stopped working late Wednesday but the jam session continues. Which was fine. However, for the last year they have barely touched the guitars and instead the guy just comes over to do substances.
Now that he is always inebriated here, he NEVER leaves at the end of the night. Just expects to sleep over. But he doesn’t have a regular sleep schedule so instead of sleeping while we are, he is wandering around our house all night (in his boxers) making noises, watching tv, getting nonstop text alerts from other friends and ect.
This always wakes me up and I have to pass by him on the way to the bathroom. At these points he always has demands. Like: “I want to watch this random movie your husband said you had. Find it for me.” Or “you need to change your litter box right now, because I can’t stand the smell.” He always says he’ll leave when my husband goes for work at 8am, but then complains that he couldn’t sleep until 6am, so he ends up sleeping until mid-day.
At which point he just decides to stay until my husband gets home from work and then the whole thing starts over again. What’s supposed to be one night a week often turns into at least two every week.
On top of never leaving, he has started showing up HOURS before my husband gets off work on Wednesdays.
My husband has told him “my home is your home” so he just comes right in. This wouldn’t be a problem if he could self-entertain. But no. He comes in and will just walk into our bedroom (where I’m hiding) sit down on the bed, take a hit of his stuff, and start talking to me through whatever I’m doing/watching on tv.
Every time he is here he eats A LOT of our food (gets the munchies, plus regular meals) but never once has had the courtesy to bring anything of his own, or to share, or to replace what he is eating here. He just goes into our fridge and pantry and eats whatever he wants because my husband told him our home was his.
My husband is always begging me to be nice and not say anything while he is here because he is lonely and needs friends…. except he has his other best friend living with him, and is constantly going on weekend trips all over the country to visit his other friends.
Not to mention those nonstop text message alerts all night.
This year for my birthday we couldn’t afford to get any gifts, so I asked my husband instead to line up his days off so we could spend four days just us together…… then this guy broke up with his partner and my husband begged me to let him come over just for a bit on the first evening.
Que TWO full weeks of him not going home, and demanding all of my husband’s time. I spent “our time” and my birthday, holed up in our room alone.
Then, Christmas comes. I had invited my whole family to our house and tried to make things extra special because it was the first time I got to see my parents on Christmas in more than ten years.
This guy’s mom had just moved to another state BUT this guy has plenty of funds and no job to work around so he could have easily made the trip to her for Christmas. But he didn’t. Then his other friend/housemate also went out of town and he threw a “woe is me, I’m all alone one Christmas Eve, no one loves me” tantrum until my husband invited him to our house.
He shows up and is a complete jerk to everyone. Then throws a fit when he decides to sleep over because he has to sleep on the couch in a sleeping bag (my family were in the other beds.) the next morning we sit down to breakfast and he lets out this HUGE stinky fart right at the table like it’s nothing, then proceeds to dish himself up 90% of the food and just generally be a jerk.
My family was flat-out disgusted by him and his behavior and couldn’t wait to leave. He stayed for three days.
I feel like a jerk because he is my husband’s best friend and I don’t want to make them not hang out, and honestly he hasn’t done anything truly terrible.
He’s just annoying as heck. I dread every Wednesday, and then I’m super irritated the whole time he’s here. Which I hide from him, at my husband’s request, but then my husband and I always end up arguing over him not leaving at the end of the night.
I’m honestly one or two Wednesdays away from homicide with this guy, and all this I’ve told you is just the tip of the iceberg.
AITJ for being upset at my husband for letting this guy stay over again tonight, and wanting a substantial break from his best friend?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but honestly? I think the biggest jerk here is actually your husband. Don’t get me wrong, it’s the friend’s behaviour that is the main *problem*… but he’s not the one who made promises to you to love and put you first or whatever vows you actually made.
He’s a jerk, but your husband is enabling him and is reneging on his responsibilities to you. You need to have a serious talk with your husband because this? This is not sustainable. If it continues you’re going to end up hating him and your marriage is, in the end, likely to either suck because you hate your husband or end messily.” IncredibleGonzo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- you live there too. Make your husband go to his house. Start inviting your bffs over and doing a girl’s night on Wednesdays. Your husband is a jerk just by association alone BTW. Who doesn’t call their friend on their bad behavior?
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did not mention your ages so I will assume early 20s. It’s time for your SO to grow up, put his big boy pants, on and tell his buddy he is no longer allowed to sleepover. Let your SO know that this dude is making you uncomfortable in your own home.
Your home is supposed to be your refuge. ” Daddicus
14. AITJ For Being Upset I Wasn't Invited To My Partner's Surprise Birthday Party?
“It was my partner’s birthday on Friday. I had planned to surprise her that night with a dinner and cake at my place. She got off work early that day, and had made plans to catch up with one of her friends for a coffee to celebrate her birthday before coming over to my place.
Her friend (who I will call Ally) was one of her longtime closest friends who now lives on the other side of the country for work, meaning they don’t see each other very often.
Now I am not close to Ally, nor do I know her very well, but I have spoken to her before while they were on Skype, and she definitely knows that my partner and I are together.
Anyway, I am sitting at home on her birthday a few hours before she is coming over, and I get a text from her saying that she probably won’t be able to make it to my place because Ally had organized a surprise birthday dinner for her.
Now I was a little annoyed since I had already bought the stuff to make dinner, but I hadn’t cooked anything yet so no big deal. I texted back asking her what time everyone was getting there, and she said everyone was already there and it had already started. I said I would come and join them for dinner and she said that the reservation was only enough for the people who RSVP’d.
I told her I hadn’t heard about it which is why I didn’t RSVP. I figured it could have just been a miscommunication, so I asked her to check with Ally.
I already know I’m probably a jerk for prodding as to why I didn’t get invited, but I was just feeling a bit frustrated. A while later in the evening she texted me back that Ally didn’t think to invite me because she doesn’t really know me well and the dinner was supposed to be more of a get-together of their old girl friends group from school.
I was still a little annoyed that I had an evening organized, but I felt better knowing that it was more of a get-together for her friends group.
I told her to have fun and arranged to meet her the next day to bring her birthday cake over.
I didn’t hear from her the rest of the night, so I texted her in the morning to ask how her night was. She said it was fun and that Ally would be joining us today for cake. I asked who ended being at the dinner.
I was pretty upset to find out that on top of her old friends group, all of their partners attended the dinner, including Ally’s fiance.
Even more upsetting she said that one of her friend’s partners who originally couldn’t make it arrived later in the evening, and the server squeezed in an extra chair for them at the table.
I asked why she didn’t let me know when she saw this so I could come, and she said she just ‘forgot’.
At this point I was pretty upset and I bailed on plans to see her that day. Mostly because I was angry at Ally for not telling me and I didn’t want to talk to her, but also because I was upset at my partner for not seeming to care that I wasn’t there.
I ended up eating most of the cake I made for her out of spite, which I feel bad about and know I shouldn’t have done that.
We haven’t really spoken much at all since yesterday, as she is spending today with Ally again before she fly’s home.
I am still feeling bad for bailing on her and eating the cake without her, and I might end up making her a new one. But at the same time I feel so annoyed that I was seemingly purposely not told about her party. This may be me sounding entitled but if anyone should have their SO invited to a surprise party it should be the birthday girl, and I kind of expect I should have been invited considering everyone else’s partners got invited.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were purposely not informed or invited to the party. If Ally had enough foresight to plan this party with the assumption that all their old friends would likely also want their SOs to attend you were clearly snubbed. Also if your partner, after seeing how arrangements made for her friend’s partner after the fact, didn’t raise a fuss to get space for you she clearly doesn’t value the relationship as much as you do.” C9316
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – sounds like your partner didn’t want you there. Doesn’t matter that Ally didn’t invite you (although that appears to be a big oversight) it’s your partner that should have thought of you & organised that you came too.
But I would bet there’s a reason she didn’t. Proceed in this relationship with caution.” iwasthebread
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner disrespected the heck out of your relationship for not telling Ally you should be invited once it was clear the seating was flexible.
Also, she’s pretty rude to invite Ally along to eat the cake YOU baked after they both snubbed you. I really hope you’re both young, like, 19ish because that’s the only way this is remotely understandable. My 2 cents: Bake your partner another cake, and eat that one too.” ECCE_M0N0
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Birthdays aside, your partner messed up and treated you poorly. Unless it was a coincidental series of mishaps and she offers an honest apology and it never happens again, I’d say be careful moving forward and watch for any other signs of things like this happening.
It sounds like an unhealthy relationship. But it could just be a big misunderstanding too! Good luck.” pat_is_moon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When I started seeing my partner, I wasn’t invited to a wedding that she was a bridesmaid in. She fought for me to come and I ended up getting an invite.
If you mean something to her, she will fight for you. I hope this is all just a misunderstanding, but something seems suspicious to me. If the other partners were invited and you weren’t, that raises some flags. ” [deleted]
13. AITJ For Being Skeptical About My Partner's Relationship With Her Co-worker?
“My partner (Amber) and I have been together for about 8 years now. Living together for around 3.
In love, normal issues in the relationship, nothing we can’t get over. I’ve never really been the jealous type, don’t care if she talks to other guys, has other guy friends (she says she doesn’t get along with girls, which is true), and she talks to me about them.
December 2018 she had a work trip to Nashville. It’s the second time she went to Nashville for a work trip, once the previous year. She is supposed to be training but it’s more of a party trip. Drinks with Co-Workers every night, live music, dancing.
All in all, a good time. This is all fine, it happened the first time in Nashville and it was expected this time.
Usually I sleep like a rock, no issues getting to bed, but for some reason this trip I couldn’t get myself to fall asleep.
Something had me anxious, and worried. I didn’t know how I knew, but I could tell something was off with her. She was more distant than usual. She told me everything that she was up to, who she was hanging out with, all that good stuff…but I could just tell something was off.
She normally keeps me totally up to date with her day, especially travel days. If we can’t keep up periodically throughout the day she likes to re-cap at the end of the night. None of this behavior was present throughout the trip, but I get it.
Busy schedule, balancing partying while still getting up early enough to pretend to pay attention in training, all while in a different timezone. Difficult stuff. Travel home day was really telling. She didn’t update me at all. At the airport, then radio silence, layover, radio silence, landed radio silence.
We have location sharing turned on between the two of us. I was following her drive home from the airport because I was worried about her. Long drive late at night after lots of sleepless nights. She looked like she stopped by her friends place to drop her off, that’s normal. Hmmmm, that’s a place I haven’t seen before…interesting.
Turns out she dropped off Hank at his place…interesting. She was there only a minute or so before continuing the journey home, seems normal.
I thought maybe I was just being crazy, but I knew something was up in my gut. Over the next couple of days, Hank’s name kept coming up.
And she used a lot of “We”, and I guess that was an attempt at making me think it was her friend Brittany. I could tell she wasn’t lying in the truest definition, but she was definitely hiding something.
I put all this together and wrote it down.
I am not great at communicating my thoughts, so I showed her what I wrote. The next paragraphs are what I showed her:
“Ok I’m not an idiot and I don’t think you are either. I know that you and Hank had a thing in Nashville.
I don’t know the extent of it, I don’t know if anything physical happened but I’m fairly certain there was at least an emotional line crossed by either you or the both of you. I know that you suspect me of knowing. Maybe you are worried about it maybe you aren’t.
I get it, dancing every night, hanging out all weekend and on the flights and at the airport. Sharing headphones watching a movie, driving him home, and whatnot. I think it’s exactly what happened at Hiedi’s wedding with her brother.
What really worries me is that you aren’t admitting it to me.
You are hiding something and it scares me. You know that’s why I’ve been up all night, why I can’t eat. Maybe you are afraid to tell me now that you have seen how hurt I am. Maybe you just don’t want to make it worse.
I’ve given you the ability to tell me, and I’m sure it’s hard to admit to my face. Honestly, I just want to know what you feel. My heart has been literally pounding for days of anxiety, my gut is all inside out, I can’t focus at work or on anything.
Like I said already, I’m scared and I don’t know what to do.”
She admitted to it. Ouch, that stung.
The next week she had a work event, he works in the same office. Paranoia all over the place, she is still distant, not telling me things.
I know he is going to be there, I know they will see each other, but what can I do? I pretend to be ok with it, I act mature while dying inside. She told me she has to pick up her friend, she did.
As mentioned before she usually tells me when she is leaving a place, but I haven’t heard from her in a while. I am a wreck. I check location, she’s on the freeway. Punch to the gut.
She gets home and she says she drove her friend Brittany home (she drove right past Brittany’s place on the freeway, there’s no way she dropped her off).
She gets home, says she really tired, goes to bed. I lie awake in bed dying inside. I didn’t mention anything about it, don’t want to bring up anything that would cause additional stress.
About a week later I casually bring it up, say its been eating at me.
She claims she drove Brittany home. I don’t call her a liar. I give her the look, ask if she is sure. She breaks, says she took Hank and Ryan(another friend [really just a friend]) back to the office to go to their cars.
Again I don’t call her a liar. She takes about 10 minutes to admit she took only him.
Ouch. Feels good to be right, but it feels so bad.
The Now:
She swears that now they are just friends. They talked it out. She messages him on Skype sometimes (I don’t know how much, I just know it is more than none).
They don’t work in the same department, there is no real need to chat.
Earlier this week, she asks if it is ok to go to lunch with him. I can’t really say no, so I let her know my feelings but agree to let her.
She thinks that I am just going to have to trust her, and get past it somehow.
I can’t trust her. Maybe eventually I can, but it is too soon to write off the feelings that they had.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am sorry man, just got out of a 7 year relationship myself.
You already know the answer to this. You know that it’s over. If it was me, I’d stay around until it really messed me up and then get dumped me for the new guy. As an internet stranger with no feelings involved I would tell you that it’s time to get your finances in order, start preparing to get your own place, and leave with some dignity.
You know it, just depends if you want to deal with it now or deal with it later. Best of luck ” tradefundtrade
Another User Comments:
“NTJ my dude. Get her gone, this will only get worse. I’ve seen this too many times, most recently with my former “best friend”.
I begged with her, pleaded with her, not to throw her whole family away. I watched her do it several times, I watched her lie about me so I just looked insane, and I watched her pathetic husband forgive and forgive and forgive. It’s been 2 years since it started, she thinks she has everyone fooled still.
She doesn’t though… just him. Take away her toy: you. ” oblivion1331
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She already lied twice man. I know it sucks to think those 8 years as wasted time. All the effort and emotion you/y’all put in to just go to waste.
But honestly, cut your losses and bounce. There’s no trust in there. And there’s really no way to get that back. The longer you stay in this relationship, the longer is going to keep you up at night. Sorry that you are going through all of this man.” buell_ersdayoff
12. AITJ For Not Wanting A Relationship With My Parents After They Cut Me Off Financially With Little Notice?
“I’m a student. My parents make enough funds that when I went through student finance to get my maintenance loan I was told I could only get the minimum (just over 3k a year) because finance is calculated from what your parents earn and there’s an assumption that your parents will help you out.
I’m on a high-intensity course and I wasn’t sure how I’d be able to balance studying and schooling, so when I found out I was going to get minimum I told my parents I wanted to either take the coming year to save up, and then go to my first choice university a year later than planned, or go to my second choice now because I wouldn’t be able to afford to live in the city my first choice is in.
My parents then said that they would pay my rent if I went to my first choice on schedule. They set me up in a studio flat, so all I had to do was get a part-time job to cover the cost of food and bills.
On 18th February – my 20th birthday – they called me and said that I was relying on them too much and needed to find out what the real world was like by earning my own funds, so they would cover my rent and phone for that month (so until end of February) and after that I was on my own, then said that they were still my parents and they loved me, and wanted me to stay in touch, just learn some independence while doing this.
I begged them to reconsider but they ended the call, so I had 11 days notice that I would have no flat or phone. I begged my uni for emergency housing but they said that I had no proof I’d been cut off so they couldn’t do anything.
I emailed my parents asking them to write a letter stating they’d cut me off so I could sort my student finance and emergency housing, they said no.
I asked work if I could take on more hours and was told that due to my contract I can’t do any more than I’m already doing, so I’m now looking for a second job.
I’m sleeping on a friend’s sofa until a place I can afford opens up, and as I still don’t have proof I’ve been cut off for student finance I will probably have to drop out this summer.
I got a social media message from them today telling me they were disappointed I didn’t call on Mum’s birthday a couple days ago, and that I’ve not given them my new phone number yet.
I responded telling them the position I’m currently in and that I no longer want a relationship with them. I’ve gotten a bunch of messages from them and my brothers asking me to reconsider.
My friend says I shouldn’t feel bad but I feel incredibly guilty, and like a spoiled brat, because I don’t love my family for their funds, I love them because they’re my family, but at the same time they’ve really screwed me over here.
AITJ for not wanting a relationship with them?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your parents royally screwed you over here. You had two separate plans to be able to afford to go to university yourself and they said if you went to your first choice they would help you out.
To then cut you off with very little warning is completely unfair. I don’t blame you for not wanting a relationship with them after they’ve put you in this position.” singinscotlawyer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They made you a deal and it seems like they cut it off without good reason (I could understand if they’d fallen on hard times or something, but it sounds like they just made the decision to cut you off with no external factors).
They convinced you to take on a more intense college situation with the understanding of their help, and you would have acted differently if they had not intervened.” Jacketthrowawayasu
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, they should have given you more time instead of 11 days. Or started it at the beginning of the summer so you have some weeks to sort it all out without school suffering.
I do think you should try to talk to them to sort it all out, tell them you are responsible already because you work for your food and stuff. On another note, if you do spend funds on a lot of useless stuff they may have a point.
But if you don’t then definitely NTJ” lieke123
11. AITJ For Refusing To Forgive My Abusive Ex-Partner Because She Was Diagnosed With BPD?
“I met my now ex-partner at school when we were 14. We were best friends for a year before we began seeing each other and then were together for about six years. I’m 22 now and we’ve been broken up for a little over six months.
I find it easier to tell a story with names so we’ll call my ex Jessica.
The year that we were friends was great. We were both kind of “emo kids” and, being that we lived kind of in the middle of nowhere and there weren’t any other emos at our school, we kinda naturally drifted towards each other.
She was a kind, sweet girl at first – very bubbly, always smiling, always friendly to everybody. She could be a little hyperactive at times, but I’m incredibly laid back and a bit shy so we kinda balanced each other’s energy perfectly. We’d hang out at each other’s houses almost every night after school and play video games, or go walk around the local park if the weather was nicer.
I awkwardly asked her out on Valentine’s Day of 2012, thinking I was being dead romantic. Still one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
She started to change pretty soon after we started seeing each other. She’d always been semi-jealous when it came to me, even when we were just friends.
Think, if anyone else called me their best friend she’d get on their case like “actually sweetie he’s *MY* best friend but nice try :)” or she’d sulk a little if I made plans with other friends and didn’t invite her. I’d always found it endearing, I guess because I was never the one getting chewed out.
Boy did that change when we started seeing each other! If I so much as spoke to another girl to ask her for the homework for some class, Jessica would get angry with me and demand to know who she was and what we were talking about.
I did confront her about it a couple of months into the relationship and she cried and told me she was super scared of being betrayed because she’d seen her dad do it to her mum her whole life and said she was sorry. At the time I thought that was reasonable, said alright and tried to move past it.
The jealousy didn’t stop. In fact, it only continued to escalate. When we were 16 she, without my knowing or my consent, went through my social media friends and Instagram followers and blocked any girls I wasn’t related to. When we were 18 we started renting a flat together and she threatened one of our neighbors to “keep the heck away from me” because she brought over cookies as a welcome gift while Jessica was out.
That same year when I came out as bisexual, she told me that she didn’t want me hanging out with my best friend since childhood because he was gay and she was afraid of any “funny business” going on. It reached a point where she wouldn’t even let me go to the hairdresser’s because the only one in our town had three women and a gay guy working there and she didn’t want any of them touching me.
She also repeatedly called my workplace saying I needed to come home because there was an emergency if she knew I was on a shift with all female co-workers (which was often) resulting in me eventually being sacked.
Honestly, if it was just the intense jealousy, I might have been able to cope, or try to salvage some semblance of a relationship with her.
But she would also insult me constantly. I’m pretty prone to eczema and she’d make fun of me if I had a breakout of it on my face. She mocked me when I lost my job and she became the breadwinner of the house. She’d either tease me or get incredibly angry with me if I ever cried about anything (I’m a sucker for crying at films).
I gained a little weight around 19 when I had an injury and could no longer go to the gym and she called me fat relentlessly (in hindsight, I really wasn’t fat at all). I should’ve gotten out of it sooner than I did.
I eventually broke it off because she started to become I was genuinely afraid for my life one night.
I’m now staying with my aforementioned childhood best friend and his husband, have a new job, am in recovery for my eating disorder and am well on the way to getting back on my feet. To be clear, I’m not asking if I’m the jerk because of what happened in the relationship because I’ve come to accept that I was a victim and none of it was my fault.
However, a “friend of Jessica’s” recently reached out to me to let me know that Jess has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and is receiving treatment for it. My response was basically “ah that’s unfortunate for her and I’m glad she’s getting treatment but what’s that to do with me?” What eventually transpired was that I was not speaking to her friend, but in fact Jessica herself through her friend’s account, and that I was expected to forgive everything she did because of her diagnosis.
I flat-out refused because, while I’m by no means an expert on personality disorders and do understand that they can make people act irrationally, I don’t believe they’re an excuse for outright abusive behaviours. Since I refused to forgive her, I’ve had countless messages from her, from mutual friends, and even from her mother which all essentially boil down to “she can’t help being an abusive person, you’re being awful for not forgiving her.” I’ll note here she hasn’t actually *apologized*, just incessantly asked me to “forgive and forget”, “get over it” and even to give her a second chance.
I’m starting to doubt that I’m doing the right thing by refusing to accept her BPD as an excuse. AITJ and should I forgive her?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna go NTJ my mom has BPD and because she knows it can make her act bad to people in a romantic relationship she just doesn’t have them because she doesn’t want to hurt other people.
You can have a disorder that makes you act a certain way but if you’re aware of it you should learn techniques that help combat those behaviors. It is 100% not on you to accept abusive behavior from her just because she’s sick. And she’s not apologizing, you need to tell that girl bye.
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Mental illness is not an excuse for bad behavior or to be a bad person. You are not under any obligation to forgive someone for hurting you, and also, you have no reason to forgive someone who hasn’t (won’t) apologize to you in the first place.
I would strongly recommend blocking her and reevaluating how often you’re in contact with the other people who are urging you to forgive her.” Re-ink_the_pen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you cannot medicate for personality. She’s contacting you with the clear attitude that she shouldn’t have to be sorry, she can’t help being a manipulative jerk.
You don’t owe her your time or loyalty, particularly in view of the fact that she never once has shown any particular loyalty to you. You left, you’re free, keep running like your life is in danger and your hair is catchin’. You have had a fortunate escape.
Source: raised by a parent with borderline personality, it’s still affecting me in some ways and I turn 50 this year. THANK GOD YOU GOT OUT.” ottr
10. AITJ For Kicking A Girl Off My Airsoft Team For Not Following Rules?
“I am team leader of an Airsoft team. We have an official statewide ranking and there’s a core of us who travel to play in national tournaments. I get that some people will think it’s super dorky but it’s my passion and it keeps me outside, in shape and with my friends.
We have a very strict “military-realistic” policy on our team in that we don’t allow anime, video game stuff, fake swords, bright colors, etc… And if you want to be on our competition team, there is about $400 worth of uniform gear we require everyone to buy so we look professional and coherent.
Again, this is us and people don’t have to join our team.
So to the point, last fall this girl Madison got in touch with me to say she had just moved to town and wanted to meet people and asked if she could come to our practice.
Airsoft is like 95% guys so it’s not unheard of to have girls play but it’s rare. When she gave me her name I was just a little curious so I did a google search and came up with her Instagram and she was (is) gorgeous, she’s a literal model and a Boutine girl with about 100k followers.
I figured she was just messing with us to come out and get more dude Instagram followers by showing she was “tomboy” who could play with the boys. I figured that one day and a few shots with airsoft pellets would snuff her out real quick.
I’m not just mentioning her looks and Instagram to be gratuitous, it’s important to the story.
So she came out and to my total surprise, she rocked it. She’s actually a really good player with a good sense for the game and in the last few months she hasn’t mentioned airsoft once on her Instagram.
But needless to say a girl that looks like her is going to get a ton of attention on the airsoft field. We had a team meeting before she arrived that we had to treat her the same as we treat the rest of us and that we should have a rule for team spirit that no one try to date her.
And I wanted to reiterate that we had to treat her exactly as we would any other member of the team, no exceptions. Everyone agreed with this but even my oldest airsoft friends bend over backwards to be just a little bit friendlier to her if that makes sense.
There is no doubt that in a highly competitive sport that is 95% men, a “hot girl” is going to change the dynamic. It’s not that I mind this at all because she was really good.
So my first big problem came with her just after new years when she came to the field with dyed bright red hair all done up in these little ponytail things.
I told her that because of team rules, she was going to have to cover up her hair with like a camouflage beanie under her helmet. She said it was uncomfortable and took it off in the middle of a game. I called her out on it reminding her of the rules and pretty much my whole team told me I was being too much of a hard jerk and I should lighten up.
Even other strays (people not on a team) and other teams at the field that day came up to me and told me to chill out. After two years of having these rules, everyone was all of the sudden mad at me because I was trying to enforce the rules we all agreed on.
Because she is such a good player, we invited her to an out-of-state tournament coming up in March but I reiterated that I needed proof that she was ordering all the uniform gear from the various airsoft websites and it would be here in time for March.
But after the hair incident I think she thinks she can blow me off because everyone will support her and she keeps telling me “I’m working on it” when I ask her. I mean it’s literally as easy as going on a website and ordering stuff.
That’s all there is too it.
So things just got worse with her clothing and she pays zero regards to our military realistic rule and this past weekend she wore a belly shirt and then was showing off all the welts to the other guys that she had gotten from being shot.
She literally looked like a queen holding court with all the guys around her.
I was so annoyed that her that I needed to talk to her, I reminded her about the military realistic rule, she said she was just hot and that she was sorry.
I then asked her again about her uniform purchases. She said that she was working on it but not to worry, it would all be here. I was so fed up at this point I just said “look I’m really sorry, but you just aren’t a good fit for our team and you have to leave.” Instead of getting mad like maybe I thought she would, she just broke down crying.
Which means to everyone that was looking at us from afar I was the mean jerk making the pretty girl cry instead of just enforcing the rules we all agreed on.
Well in like less that 5 minutes she had invites to join to other teams, pretty much EVERYONE on the airsoft field came over to tell her how sorry they were for her and how I’d always been known to be a hard jerk.
And then my team started turning on me. Of the 19 guys on our team 5 quit that day saying they were sick of my nonsense and the other 13 said they at least wanted to have a meeting this week to see where we were headed as a team.
Somehow a rumor got started that I had yelled at Madison and that’s why she was crying so the owner of the airsoft field iced me for 3 weeks because I violated his “no abusive language policy.” I’ve known the guy for 10 years and spent thousands of dollars at his field and he iced me because of rumor.
This is how crazy this has gotten.
I think everyone on my team wants to either kick me out of the leadership position or quit altogether and form a new team. To me, I was just enforcing the rules we all agreed upon and we all agreed that we would treat her the same.
I think everyone thinks I’m a jerk. Our team meeting is tomorrow night and I would love to at least get some outside opinion on whether or not I’m a jerk so I know how to go into the meeting.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ Why is your non-military realistic hairstyle okay when hers isn’t?
That’s extremely hypocritical. The belly shirt is apparently her only other infraction. What are the rest of you wearing? Are you all wearing military fatigues or whatever in your practice? Personally, I think it’s probably inappropriate for airsoft, but that’s something you talk to her about.
As for the uniform, she still has time. You jumped the gun. Few people can afford to drop $400 at the drop of a hat. She might be saving up and fully anticipates having her stuff by the deadline. Honestly, I think you get off on being mean to this woman because you think everyone else is going easy on her because she’s attractive.
That’s super messed up, dude. ” spessartine
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You say you were just enforcing the rules everyone had agreed upon previously, but now that no one wants to kick her off the team you suddenly don’t care so much about what they think.
I thought I was going to side with you expecting March to come along and her to break the rules. Instead you acted like a paranoid dictator, seems like you didn’t want to take any chances she might’ve actually abided by the rules. Kicking her off the team when clearly no one else wanted her off the team seems like a move over being jealous of the attention she got (also explaining why you fixated so much over her being pretty and everyone liking her).
Another thing that makes me say yta, you made another person cry over a hobby and you don’t seem ashamed or regretful over it. ” farafan
Another User Comments:
“YTJ Look man the headband thing that you got mad at her for is just the smallest of details.
Like honestly I agree with everyone else in that you needed to chill out; she’s a new member you don’t have to be so strict. On another note I think you’re also at fault for kicking her out. Maybe she was short on funds and was trying her best to buy the uniform then you just walked along and crushed her dreams I don’t blame everyone for thinking you’re a jerk nor do I blame anyone for leaving in light of this situation.
Lighten up sometimes will ya?” MONKEYMAIL
9. AITJ For Being Upset That My Family Supports My Depressed Partner But Ignored My Own Depression?
“When I was 16, I broke down in my kitchen in front of my parents saying that I hate myself, I want to die and that I hate feeling so terrible all the time, I need help.
I only got help by the time I was 24.
During that time gap, I was pretty much ignored by my mother, assumingly because she didn’t want to acknowledge that there was something wrong with me. She pretty much buried her head in the sand and pretended I was fine, although I really wasn’t and would never bring up the topic of me being depressed, with the only exception being her telling me to “just smile and be happy.”
My father constantly bullied me, even before my breakdown. I grew up scared of him and hating him. But during all this stuff about my mental health, I was told that I was “just making it up” and to “suck it up” and that I need to “nut up” because I was upsetting my mum.
We did get me an appointment to see a therapist back when I first broke down. During this session, the therapist insisted that my parents be in the room with me, so they were there for me telling the therapist about how bullied and ignored I felt.
The whole situation caused my mother to cry when we got home and my father instantly berated me for having this whole situation happen. Everything was my fault and I was a horrible person for making my mother cry.
After that day, any discussion about getting my mental health sorted stopped. No talks about Drs, nothing.
The only person who would talk to me about it, was my aunt, (who just so happens to be an anti-vaxxer, so yeah…) who also has depression. But the problem with this was how my aunt basically scared me away from getting antidepressants cause she told me how they made her a completely different person and there were a tonne of side effects and I’d end up like her.
At 20, I found this lovely guy who’s literally the light of my life. I really love him and hope to spend the rest of my days with him.
But I also felt so sorry for him for having to deal with me and how bad my depression made me.
But, he was the one who finally gave me the courage to go get antidepressants because I really didn’t want to drag him down this dark, scary hole with me. Yes, it took a while at 24, but I got there.
I got counseling, as well as antidepressants.
I was on the up, I can say they really helped me.
All the while, I got 0 encouragement from my family about any of this, apart from my grandmother. She’s my best friend and makes it 100% clear that I’m her favorite. My aunt kept trying to scare me away from Drs, my mother kept burying her head in the sand and my father just plain ignores me at this point.
I’m now playing assistant for my mother with her childcare business, while she goes through multiple surgeries for a shopping list of ailments. I practically have to do everything when she either can’t use her arms or her eyes, depending on the surgery. When she’s in a period of being ok, we tag team.
All the jobs I either fully take over or tag team, is pretty much everything apart from laundry because my dad insists that he does it.
So when mum is out of commission, I do all the cooking, cleaning and all the physical stuff with the kids, such as picking them up and loading them into the car, or lifting them onto the changing table.
Basically all the physical stuff. Which with my hiatus hernia, can actually be really painful sometimes. Yet I still do it. When mum is ok, we share the load.
Despite all this, I’m constantly told by both parents that, although I’m “invaluable”, I’m still “useless and lazy” for not washing up two plates a bowl and a mug one day cause I was waiting for more so it’s not so much water used.
I get this sort of stuff constantly. All the while, my dad and brother do nothing to help.
But recently, my SO has been diagnosed with depression and severe anxiety and it’s like my family’s attitude has done a total 180. I would joke that my family liked my SO more than me, but now I’m starting to believe it.
My mum and dad constantly ask about my SO and ask if he’s okay and how he’s doing with getting the help he needs and are now constantly asking me about what things they can send him to cheer him up, etc.
Always offering treats and presents and a place to stay.
I’m happy they love him and everything… But, what the heck?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it seems like you feel abandoned by your family in your time of need and then bitter that they were able to find it within themselves to summon up concern for your SO.
If you do not regularly see a therapist, I recommend you do so. Someone that you specifically feel comfortable talking to, alone. They can help you work through some of your feelings and find a way to approach your parents about the situation in a constructive and helpful way.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to put your foot down. Your dad should be the one carrying your mother. Honestly, go be there for your SO. Tell your parents if you are so useless, they deal with their issues. I’m serious. You need to cover yourself and your so.
Not them. It’s hard, it’s daunting, but darn gurl, you got this.” _Potato_Cat_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My parents discussed my sister’s now ex-SO in a way that was so supportive, that I was bitterly jealous, as the ex and I were in the same shoes (college flunk outs, mental health issues, needed to get stuff together ) though I was the one who went back to school.
I wished they vocalized these supportive statements to me, but they never did. I think you should find a support system in your friends, your SO, etc. etc.” aliensfordonuts
8. AITJ For Trying To Meet And Touch My Online Friend Despite Her Repeated Cancellations?
“I’ve been chatting with someone from okcupid for a couple of months now, we know each other pretty well, and have exchanged numbers and also talked on the phone quite a few times.
It started turning somewhat romantical, and I’ve basically started to accept polyamory as a concept for my own life because of her. She never wanted a relationship, and I stopped wanting it as well. Still, there was something.
We talked about pretty intimate stuff. Essentially we both knew pretty much knew at least the gist of each other’s personal and romantic lives.
I know she has a troubled past. She had an abusive partner in the past and has nightmares because of it. She is somewhat stuck at home having to care for her mother with Alzheimer’s (or something akin to it, I don’t remember what exactly it was), whose behavior is sometimes very erratic.
We’ve arranged meetings multiple times and she always cancelled. Sometimes because of work, sometimes she told me outright that she didn’t feel comfortable with meeting because she needs a lot of alone time – and because she lives pretty far away, a meeting would include me staying with her for the night.
This Friday, to my surprise, she told me that I could come visit because she canceled her plans for Saturday. That night, i.e. the one between Friday and Saturday, she canceled again – because she was scared she’d disappoint me, and that she might not be in a good mood, and might need alone time.
At that point I was a little done, because I’d gotten excited to meet her so many times and it never worked out, and it was just too frustrating to continue like that. I wanted to end this relationship with her because I could not deal with never meeting a person I’m as interested in as in her and essentially just text chatting forever.
I was a little frustrated and said some things I wasn’t that proud of, at which point she wrote “That’s enough.” and turned off her phone.
The next morning, I sent her a message, wanting to say goodbye and part on better terms. As I said, I wasn’t proud of the things I said that night, so I wanted to at least say some nicer words for a goodbye.
After I sent my last message, she told me I could come over now. I wasn’t excited. But I thought, I’m not the kind of person to just say “no” now on principle, so I agreed if she’d send me the address. And she did.
And she seemed excited. She told me we probably wouldn’t get too close because she’s on her period, and she also told me we’d have to go shopping later because she doesn’t have any vegan food for dinner (I’m vegan, she’s vegetarian).
So I got up, got ready, did my makeup and stuff and drove over to her, two and half hours.
I arrived, we hugged, and I was really happy to finally see her. We went to her room and sat on the bed as she finished up her laundry. We chatted. I looked at her a lot, I was really excited and content to finally see her and be with her.
But me looking at her irritated her. She kept asking me what’s wrong.
We continued chatting for a bit. I asked her if I could lean on her. She said no. But I was so confused by this no, and it sounded a little like it could be sarcasm.
Also, she said earlier that we wouldn’t be getting too close because she’s on her period. This indicated to me that she’d be willing to do otherwise, and I thought, because of that, and because of how intimate our chatting was, touching and cuddling would be okay.
I asked her if it was sarcasm, she said no. I did not touch her.
Then, she got up, storing something away in her closet, and this conversation happened:
Her: Are you staring at me?
Me: Yes.
Her: Why?
Me: Because you’re pretty?
Her: That’s a bad answer.
Me: What else am I supposed to say?
Her: How about “sorry?”
Me: Okay, sorry, I’ll stop looking at you then.
She sat down next to me again.
We talked a bit more, about everyday stuff. A little later:
Me: I’d like to touch you.
Her: -silence-
Me: But you don’t want that.
Her: No.
I thought about what to say for a moment.
Me: That’s completely fine.
More silence.
Her: Do you know now why I thought this was a bad idea?
I didn’t know what to say. I just kind of said something like that I’m still happy to be here and that it always takes a little while to get comfortable with someone new in person and stuff.
She then asked me if I’d mind driving back home. She said she’d really like to be alone right now.
I did not expect this. At all. I started thinking about what I could say to change something, and how I’d driven to her 2.5 hours, and how this would be pretty much over forever now.
Upon her asking her how she imagined that this would go she said she’d only asked me over because I wanted to break off contact otherwise. And that it was a bad idea. She gave me a 50€ bill for gas and very reluctantly, I left.
I asked to hug her goodbye. She declined. I left the house, and started crying. I called a friend and told her about what happend, as I walked around the town she lives, my car parked about 20 meters from her driveway. After about 20 minutes or so, I arrive back at my car, and I’m still talking to my friend on the phone.
I sit down in the trunk of my car and cry more as I’m talking to my friend. She comes outside, and asks me to leave because I’m making her nervous. I was completely destroyed at this point. I just mumbled something like “Okay, I’m leaving.”
And then I drove around a few corners, cried some more while talking to a friend and slowly started heading home.
Now, this morning she sent me a message about how it’s not okay to try and discuss things after she told me to leave because I disrespected her boundaries.
And she said it’s not okay for me to wait outside her house for an hour after being told to leave.
I responded saying how sorry I was. And I did explain I wasn’t waiting for her or anything, I just had to process what happened. And I said sorry for not taking her worries about meeting seriously, and thinking it would turn out okay.
And that was it. She blocked me.
And now I feel terrible for having caused this reaction in her. And for it being over in no good way at all.”
Another User Comments:
“You are not a jerk and you should not feel bad. I don’t know what’s going on with this girl, but obviously there’s something you don’t know about/she’s not telling you about.
She must have her own reasons for that, and that’s fine, but imo she should have been more upfront with you and you acted totally reasonably considering how she’s been acting towards you. It’s a shame she’s upset, but there’s no reason for her to treat you so badly.” Hookton
Another User Comments:
“Not a jerk, just dumb. First cancelled meeting should have clued you in. The second cancelled meeting should have given you a very solid answer on her interest. She wasn’t interested in a romantic relationship from the get go, you just didn’t realize.
” User
Another User Comments:
“You are not the jerk. she has way too many issues and seems to be a bit wimpy. I get that she had a troubled/abusive past so of course you need to be understanding but there is only so much of an excuse people are due.
Move on. Leave her behind and forget about her. edit* Also in relation to the touching thing, gonna go with no, not a jerk. You asked. You didn’t assume if you asked 3 times I would still say and maybe say you’re annoying and 4 times yea kinda jerk” Richard020
7. AITJ For Seeing A Girl Who Insulted My Friend's Sister In Elementary School?
“Me (28M) and my partner Jenna (28F) recently started seeing each other.
We had known each other since high school, but reconnected after college. One of my friends, we’ll call him (28M) Nick, was angry the moment he heard we started seeing each other.
Jenna and Nick went to the same elementary school, but a different one than I did.
When they were in third grade, Nick and his younger sister, who we’ll call Catelyn, moved to that school after going through three years at a private religious school. According to Nick, Jenna called Catelyn stupid and ugly. Per Nick’s own words, this was a one-time thing, and Jenna didn’t bully Nick or his sister.
Ever since then, Nick and Catelyn have held a grudge against Jenna and hated her. Once he heard I started seeing her, Nick said it was a breach of friendship and that I was a horrible person for seeing her. Catelyn said I’d get bad karma for seeing a “jerk” and that Jenna was and would always be a terrible person.
I told them both to grow up, stop being immature, and that it happened when they were in third grade. They accused me of not being empathetic and said that my partner was a jerk and Nick said he wouldn’t tolerate her ever coming by him.
I told them off and told them to apologize to her. Nick started screaming at me. Catelyn again said something about me getting bad karma.
I mean, I feel sorry for them as it is likely a source of trauma. The reason why their parents took them out of the religious school was because one teacher hated their mom and would taunt Nick and Catelyn and call them both devil children.
Again, I went to a different elementary school than they did, but I can imagine one of the first people you meet at your new school calling you stupid and ugly could get any kid upset, let alone kids who just left an abusive school.
I don’t regret standing up for my partner, but perhaps I could have handled the situation in a better way.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Maybe you could have been less abrupt, but come on! These people are carrying a grudge from one comment made in the 3rd grade?
What the heck? They need therapy and you should move along. If you really want to save the friendship maybe you could ask Jenna if she’d be willing to apologize, and you could apologize for being dismissive. But honestly, Jenna may not even remember this foolishness, and if she does she may be wondering what kind of damage these two have that they’re still so pressed by something that happened one time 20 years ago.” Fragrant-Tomatillo19
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. People in their late 20s should be able to appreciate that third graders are little children and people outgrow childish attitudes. Does your partner even remember the interaction? Maybe it would help your friends to meet your partner and give her a chance to apologize for anything she did to hurt them back then.
If everyone can agree they aren’t the exact same people they were in third grade, surely as adults people can move on and get along.” napsrule321
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. You definitely could’ve handled it better. It was the 3rd grade if we all were forever judged on the stuff we did when we were 8, this world would be in trouble.
It was obviously traumatic for them & they need to seek therapy. Hopefully a therapist will help them see that they need to give adult Jenna a chance. If Jenna remembers the incident & isn’t a jerk maybe she’d like to apologize for her past behavior & try to make amends?
Maybe they’ll allow you to facilitate that? Just tell them in retrospect & after introspection you realize you could’ve been more empathetic & you’d like a chance to rectify things.” rtgd_mmm
6. AITJ For Refusing Exposure Therapy and Asking My Partner to Follow a Proper Skincare Routine?
“We have been together for over a decade. Up until the past 2 years, she had fairly nice skin.
She previously described herself as “genetically lucky”. She rarely had a single pimple, much less a breakout, in spite of sleeping in her makeup almost every night.
A few years ago, she developed trichotillomania as a stress response (picking her chin hairs). She now calls it her “videogame”.
She would dig into the skin on her chin to pull hairs and begin to “scar her chin” (her words).
About a year ago, she bought a makeup mirror with a light and a set of metal tools for comedone extraction. She began trying to dig the oxidized sebum out of each pore on her nose and pop every pore that wasn’t perfectly flush with the rest of her skin.
These became parts of her videogame.
Each day, she spends at least 1 hour (typically 2 or more), immediately after getting home from work, on her videogame. For the past 6 months, the skin on her nose has been falling off “like tissue paper”. She also has this giant scar / red mark on her chin that she keeps inflaming.
I think it’s disgusting. I had acne problems when I was a teen and adult. I recently have learned a lot about skincare and it has helped me improve my own acne scars, which I have always been self-conscious about. I don’t try to actively shame her for what she’s doing to her face, but sometimes it comes up and I try to be direct without moralizing her appearance.
Tonight, my ADHD was really acting up and I kept getting distracted by the scarring + irritation. So, I tried looking away from her while listening to her speak. When she asked what was up, I told her what I was doing.
Her response was that I should feel happy for her because her face finally feels clean.
She asked that I look at close-up pictures of her chin and nose so I get used to seeing those areas inflamed. Maybe I’ll get less distracted and feel less uncomfortable about how they look, now. I don’t do well on subs like r/trypophobia.
AITJ for refusing to do exposure therapy and asking her to do a real skincare routine?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner is dealing with what sounds like excoriation disorder, she needs treatment. Skin picking is a body-focused repetitive behavior related to OCD and trichotillomania.
You may also hear it called dermatillomania. The current recommended treatment plan includes both therapy and medication. Encourage her to reach out to her doctor if you can. The biggest physical risk of this disorder is infection, which can be especially dangerous in the face.” nikkicarter1111
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It sounds like your partner has developed another OCD (trichotillomania is an OCD). FYI she’s not popping pimples; she’s actively damaging her skin in an effort to get it clean, without actually cleaning it.” sharirogers
5. AITJ For Not Letting My Nephew Post a TikTok Video Featuring My Son?
“The other day, I was over at my parents’ house for a family event. It was a beautiful day so we were hanging out in the backyard, and my parents have a pool. However my son is too young to swim safely without direct supervision, but he’s also too young to know better.
He was running over to the pool, and I shouted his full name to get him not to jump in (ie “Oliver James Smith don’t you dare get in that pool” except my son’s name is a lot rarer and his middle name is my fairly unique maiden name).
What I didn’t realize at the time, is that my nephew (13) was filming a video for TikTok nearby and both my son’s face and full name were clearly caught in the shot.
Later on, my sister (nephew’s mother) let me know that she’d stopped my nephew from posting the video and asked me if I would be ok with him posting it because apparently it was his best dance take that he’d gotten.
I told my sister that I was uncomfortable with that information being on the internet, but said that if my voice could be edited out and my son’s face blurred I would be ok with it being posted. My nephew said that that was impossible, and I said that I wouldn’t be ok with it being posted otherwise.
My sister then made him delete the video while I watched.
Later, my BIL (sister’s husband) came to me and told me that I was being ridiculous and that now my nephew was upset because he was having a really hard time getting the dance steps right and the video I wanted him to delete was one of his best takes.
He also said that my nephew doesn’t have any sort of following on TikTok so it’s not a big deal. I apologized but said that my son’s privacy is more important than my nephew’s dance.
I told my husband (who’s homesick right now) about the situation and he sided with my BIL.
He told me I overreacted and called me a “wet blanket” for ruining my nephew’s fun. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your son, and if you don’t want his face and information out on the internet, that’s entirely your choice. TikTok does not take priority over your son’s safety, even if it is your nephew’s “best take.” Your BIL needs to grow up, and so does your husband.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Data and image collection is pretty deep these days and people don’t understand how much of their information is captured and stored. I think it was absolutely reasonable to ask him not to post it or to blur your son’s face and edit out the name.
Your nephew is being childish and entitled. Guess what, if he practiced the dance more it might be better than the one he thinks is perfect and can’t be edited. He should grow up, it’s not all about follows and likes. I’m glad your sister understood how important this is to you, as it should be.” DearTigress
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You didn’t want the personal info posted. You even compromised, Blurring and muting your voice would have been easy if he has a bit of knowledge with editing. He can always do the dance again. Not having a following. Weak argument, isn’t he trying to gain one?
Why else is he uploading videos? Also what if he goes viral for something and gets mocked? That’s happened to people, all of them had no following at one point.” No_Vehicle_5605
4. AITJ For Prioritizing My Studies Over Household Chores?
“I’m in my final year of high school, so I have a lot of work.
Grades mean a lot to me, and to maintain them, I must complete all my assignments on time, every day. Keeping my grades up is one of my top priorities, and my parents expect the same from me.
I don’t have specific “chores”; it’s more about doing tasks my parents ask me to do, like watering the plants, making lunch for my younger siblings (I’m the oldest), and cleaning the house.
I handle these responsibilities when asked, and I usually clean the house thoroughly on weekends. During summer break, I took care of my siblings, prepared family dinners, and kept the house in order. I assumed my parents would recognize my hard work and competence.
However, when school started, I focused on my studies.
After school, I still take care of my younger siblings because my parents are at work. While they’re not very young, they still need my help, like heating up their food. These responsibilities have been expected of me since I was young, so I understand why my parents may not view them as traditional chores.
Lately, though, they’ve been telling me that I hardly contribute to the household and spend most of my time in my room.
I’ve tried explaining to them that I have homework and tests to focus on, which are crucial for maintaining my grades. My parents have high expectations when it comes to my academic performance and become upset when my grades drop, so it’s confusing that they don’t seem to understand my situation.
Additionally, I have to wake up at 5 am every day to get ready for school, which leaves me exhausted when I return home. I often feel guilty for taking breaks while studying or resting after school when I could be doing more around the house.
I do empathize with my parents’ perspective. They come home physically drained from work and do a lot to provide for my siblings and me. I would greatly appreciate an outside perspective on this matter.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, OP You are a very responsible and mature person; you are absolutely correct in your assessment of priorities.
Your studies come first. Your younger siblings sound fairly independent and generally speaking, most larger household chores and maintenance tasks can be deferred to the weekend. It sounds like your parents are worn out in the evening; people who are tired can become fairly irritable & grumpy Perhaps on the weekend you can talk with them about the increased academic demands you are facing during your senior year.
Clarify if there are specific chores they would like to see completed, and on what schedule. Share your scheduling conflicts honestly so when occasions occur when outside demands are eating your time, your parents have been informed. They may still get grumpy periodically; complaining & “kvetching” feels good (to them…) after a stressful day.
I’m sorry you are sometimes the target.” stephnetkin
3. AITJ For Confronting My Partner About Her Obsession With A Celebrity?
“Me (23M) and my partner (22F) have been in a relationship for a few years now and not once has she shown interest in formula 1 or any type of racing at all but earlier this year she became weirdly obsessed with it, particularly Lewis Hamilton.
Initially, I liked having her sit and watch it with me but her giggling and nonstop comments about Hamilton began to irk me. It was small at first but now it is utterly unbearable and I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried asking her what she finds appealing about F1 but she can never give me a straight answer, always dodging the question and changing the subject.
My partner is so obsessed with Hamilton that she began drinking cases of the monster collab they brought out (please bear in mind that she had constantly droned on about hating energy drinks before this and even gave ME into trouble for drinking them) and even said the highlight of our trip we took to London a few months ago was going to Neat Burger (Hamilton’s restaurant).
So here’s where I might be the jerk, I had finally had enough and told her that I was upset that she was only watching with me to gawk at him and a few other drivers, pointing out the fanfics that she reads and writes about them also creeps me out because they’re about real people doing less than savoury things.
Of course she sees nothing wrong with any of the content she’s consuming and doesn’t think her behaviour is unacceptable at all, our argument got heated and she claimed that I was just jealous that she was finally making new friends and I’m being controlling, I ended up telling her that if she preferred her new friends over me then maybe she should go stay with one of them and she did.
We haven’t spoken in days and I’m desperately trying to get back in contact with her, I miss her so much and didn’t think something as stupid as f1 would lead to something like this. AITJ?
Things I forgot to add:
– I wasn’t bothered by her crush on Lewis until she started reading + writing weird fanfics (straight-up gore content???)
– have no problem with her taking an interest in things I like, during the COD MWII (2022) craze she really got into the games and it was fun playing with her 🙂
– when I said that she should stay with a friend I did not genuinely mean it, however I know it was wrong to say even in the heat of the moment
– I’ve asked her to get back to me whenever she feels ready to do so. I spoke to the friend she’s staying with currently and we’re all in agreement that having some space to cool off is what might be best for now.”
Another User Comments:
“So she’s been fangirling over Lewis Hamilton. He’s a good-looking and accomplished bloke who was never real enough to be a threat to you. I could even see myself having a man-crush on him but have no interest in motorsports. She’d have eventually moved on.
YTJ and get over yourself, bro. This was an eye-roller, not a deal-breaker.” MinorIrritant
Another User Comments:
“YTJ a little bit, maybe My husband liked football, and I mostly just kind of half-paid attention, but it made him happy. One day, he was watching his favorite team, and I noticed what a great butt the coach had.
My husband thought it was funny because it was harmless. But it got me to watch games with him more often. Your partner still comes home to you every day, and the fan girl stuff will wear off” tikkitikkimango
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is weird, we’re supposed to be so ok with the gf hardcore crushing on another man while in a relationship.
That’s not ok, there’s finding people attractive and then there’s… whatever this is.” Reytotheroxx
2. AITJ For Not Telling My Cousin's Husband She Claimed To Step Out On Him?
“First off, my cousin lies about anything and everything. She makes up bogus stories about absolutely nothing for no apparent reason.
Sometimes her bogus is to stir up drama. For instance: she has tried to get me to believe my partner wants her for years. She said her husband has had to take him aside and talk to him about staring at her behind. Talked to my partner and her husband, it literally never happened and he has zero desire for her.
Some of her lies are for attention, for instance she has PCOS, stage three cervical cancer since Christmas, endometriosis, HPV and fibroids. Oh and she has had ecoli for the last few days but is drinking and out shopping at Victoria’s Secret.
Her husband had two outs back in February and had people help him when she said she was divorcing him then.
We told him he was making a mistake getting back with her after she was leaving for the second time in two weeks. He didn’t get upset and beg for her to stay so she suddenly wanted him back. He knows she lies all the time.
She supposedly was unfaithful with one of his Xbox friends back in January but when he asked the friend the guy sent screenshots of their conversations and they were all initiated by her and he just stopped answering whenever she would try to flirt. She never showed anyone these messages from him supposedly saying he wanted her and would treat her better than her husband.
Well she came over yesterday and told my sister that she slept with her boss. She’s said so many different things about her boss that I just don’t know what to believe. She plans to tell her husband next week after they’ve moved to another state where he knows no one.
I want to tell her husband about it but at the same time I think that’s what she wants me to do just to stir the pot. I have doubts that it’s true in any way but I would be upset if my SO was even saying they had been unfaithful to me so I feel like I’d want to know.
My partner thinks we should just leave it alone and let them move away. I see his point that they’ve made their own mess and should clean it up themselves, but I know I’d want to know she was saying that. So, would we be the jerks if we just let him move with her without telling him she “was unfaithful”?
There are a lot of details missing here because it’s been nonstop drama since they moved near us, and would take a book to write, but I can add more later if questions arise. I don’t care if she finds this because I’m not too fond of her anyway”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think it’s good to let the husband know, especially if you have some sort of friendship with her husband. What really would determine if you’re the jerk is your reasoning behind telling him. From what you’ve outlined, it seems your primary reason is because you don’t like your cousin, as opposed to caring about her husband.
Edit: Switched from ytj to ntj” TopJukesNA
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ either way, she’s the jerk no matter what. I understand your partner’s point of view but I would definitely tell the husband. He might have allowed some of this mess but maybe this is what wakes him up.
As for the drama, who cares? You don’t like her and she’s moving away anyway.” deblas66
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, stay out of it. You’re probably right that she WANTS you to say something so she can mess with her husband. If you say anything you should try to convince him to get out of the relationship just for his own sanity, not due to her made-up drama.” ritaberry
1. AITJ For Taking a Gap Year and Refusing to Pay Rent?
“I just recently turned 18 and finished high school, I decided I didn’t want to go to university just yet so I am working full-time at a job I had throughout my high school years.
My dad (54) is fine with my taking a gap year to figure out what I want, however, my stepmom(38) isn’t.
I don’t understand why she is mad since she didn’t finish her 4-year degree in an undergraduate course until recently (last year). She confided in my dad and me that it wasn’t fair that her son had to go to college and I didn’t and called me “lazy” for not paying rent in a house that they’d bought.
I offered to pay my dad rent on several occasions to pay my contribution to bills and stuff but he has denied me for offering. She said that I was “using” my dad for his funds and that I’m taking “advantage” of his status of my father because I’m too scared to move out and actually do something with my life.
I laughed and said a fool would have their life much more put together and she couldn’t even do a simple requirement. [a bit of background she didn’t get a job until she was 29, so she was living off the dole and her parents’ incomes].
She was shocked and the fight ensued.
I’m being looked down upon by this woman every day in this household and I’ve had enough of it. I get that she’s the adult but I refuse to be insulted by a woman who is basically my equal in the sense of not going to college after high school.
In my opinion, she should be able to relate to me and not be overly jealous.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her son “had to go to college”? As if it were a chore. You offered to pay rent, your dad turned down the offer.
Next, she charged you with taking advantage of him? You were wrong, however, in insulting her. Just stick to the facts, ie you offered to pay, your father turned down the offer, and he is also ok with you taking a gap year.” pippi2424
Another User Comments:
“I think everyone’s the jerk here for a few reasons. You’re not a jerk for taking a gap year to figure out what you want, especially if you’re working full-time. It’s even reasonable to be upset with your stepmom because she’s being a jerk for insinuating that you’re using them (especially if you offered rent and your dad declined it).
You both go wrong by allowing the disagreement to devolve into name calling which is not going to fix anything. In fact, it’s going to build further mutual resentment. Your dad is also the jerk for doing nothing to help the situation whatsoever besides letting you stay rent-free and letting you do as you wish.
Frankly, I’d talk to your father about the situation and refuse to speak about anything regarding the rent/living situation unless you’re all there and can treat each other like adults.” LightOk1089
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for calling her names. As for the decision, if you have the finances it’s better to get to college, honestly it’s the best decision you can make in long term, you have no idea how life gets in your way, yes the choice is yours and yes people around should respect that.
That said a lot of people who take breaks to get a job rarely come back to education, then at 35 end up regretting because it’s hard to make it out there without one.” Nofilterducker
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If you are 18 or close to it please plan to remove yourself from this toxic environment. Find at least a part time job and do not let anyone have access to your earnings. I know you love your mom but he has so much control over her that if she has access to your money he will demand she give it to him and she will. I know you would hate to leave her but she is an adult and she has to make the decision to leave her abuser. She is not alone as something like 1 of every 3 females have abuse in their lives. Please get out and also please seek professional help through therapy. You are a good person and you need to take care of your mental health. Once you are established maybe you can help your mom get out of her situation. No one should have to live life that