People Want to Know "Am I The Jerk?" In These Conflicting Situations

It's not easy being in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable, angry, distraught, or really, any negative emotion. We've all been there. Sometimes it's easy for us to express ourselves in terms of how something or someone truly makes us feel. Other times, we feel ashamed to say what's really on our minds. For instance, a family member might get you a less-than-desirable gift for your birthday, but more likely than not, you're going to pretend you like it, even though you don't. Other folks, however, have no problem saying, "Hey, Auntie, this gift is trash. What were you thinking?" Either the aunt will offer to exchange it for something else, laugh it off, or get upset with you. How you react can change everything. That said, here are some stories where people wonder if they were too harsh in a particular situation. We want YOU to tell us: were they acting like a jerk, or did they react totally appropriately? AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk YTJ = You're the jerk EHS = Everyone here sucks

15. AITJ For Telling My Sister To Stop Calling So Much?

“I (25F) live with my husband (27M) with our two children (3F and 1M). I’m the typical stay-at-home mother who cares for the children while my husband goes out and works.

Recently my younger sister (19F) moved into her shared apartment, which she had been saving up since she was 14 years old. My family was extremely happy for her since we all want the best for her.

But she has a habit of calling every one of us (Mom & Dad, our other brother (23M), and I) every night before bed. I used to not mind it considering it’s her first time ever living in her own place without family, but now it has just gotten to be annoying. She calls me around 7 PM which is when I tend to put the kids down for bed just to ask about how my day has been and how the children are, and it gets hectic when I am trying to get the kids to sleep and get interrupted by a phone call (for clarification my husband works around that time, so he can’t help).

And the thing is, she doesn’t just stop calling if I don’t pick up; she’ll continue to do so until I answer. And I thought it was weird that she is so adamant just to have a conversation; she never wants anything from me. I’ve talked to her about maybe not calling late at night so much and possibly picking a different time, but she tells me that she has other stuff to do during the day, whether it’s work or homework or just hanging out with friends.

Last night, the children had gone to a birthday party and ate a lot of sweets, and let’s just say it wasn’t too pretty attempting to put them to sleep. As I’m trying to rock my 1 year old, my 3 year old is complaining that she can’t find her teddy and begins to throw a tantrum. All of this leads to my 1-year-old also throwing a tantrum and I’m on the verge of tears.

Not too long after my phone begins to ring, I glance over to see it’s my sister. The tears and calls just don’t stop, I ended up putting my baby in his crib to answer, and I just start going off on my sister. I said some pretty rude things to her, saying that she needs to stop being so clingy and grow up already and to stop calling me so often since I have a family I need to raise.

She hung up immediately, and I was able to get the kids to bed.

I wake up from stern texts from my parents, saying that she’s just anxious since she’s never been on her own before, and I should be more compassionate to her since she’s my younger sister. I get that she has only good intentions, but I have a family to raise. I can’t hold her hand through everything.

I’ve tried to apologize to her today multiple times by calling and texting, but she just declines my call or opens my texts without replying. Now I’m starting to feel like I was too harsh considering I spoke out of anger and frustration. So, am I the jerk for telling my sister to stop calling so often?”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I really don’t get how people are telling you you’re not the jerk, but you are.

Dang, it seems like no one has compassion anymore. I get that dealing with your children is a difficult job, but your sister is still young herself. You probably really hurt her feelings when you took out all of your frustration on her like that.

I have a brother that I somewhat annoy who’s 12 years older than me, and I did it more often when I was younger because talking to him helped me feel safe when I was in new settings.

Give her some space, then explain yourself and apologize. You shouldn’t have to come to the internet for validation in a situation where you were clearly wrong.

If your sister should ever need you for anything, she might not ever call you because of this one moment, remember that. You must live in America, because here, 18 means you’re expected to know everything and immediately know what to do in all situations.” Proud_Drawing5898

Another User Comments:

Your sister is just like my brother-in-law. He does the same dang thing and will call over and over until someone answers. He’ll even go use our elderly ill friend’s phone, so we think it’s an emergency to trick us into answering if after 20 calls on his my husband doesn’t answer.

Your sister needs to realize you don’t have time at that time of night for a call.

If she wants a daily call, she better clear her schedule for an earlier time if she wants it so darn bad.

Have you tried using silent? If you know she’s going to do this, put your phone on silent, and go about your bedtime routine. Check your phone now and again if you’re worried about missing something, but I love silent. I use it most of the time because I find the sounds and vibration jarring; the screen lighting up and occasional spot checks work pretty well for me.” MiserableQuit828

Another User Comments:

It is good that you are trying to apologize for how you spoke to her. You messed up. You had other options than answering and yelling at her. But nobody’s perfect, and you were having a hard day, not to mention your frustration with your sister had been building. But try not to let this get used to manipulate you going forward.

She is not answering your communications.

Maybe your sister is too upset to have a healthy discussion right now, or she is trying to punish you. The silent treatment is not a healthy way for her to respond.

You have to address your needs. Maybe you talk about your needs at the same time you apologize, or maybe you wait a couple of days or a week. I know you tried to say that the time was not good for you, and your sister said it was the only time she could call.

This was self-centered of her. You need to be more clear about your needs and boundaries. Some people who are considerate of other’s needs expect that other people do the same thing, but not everyone does. Some people are more self-involved, especially youths. Her behavior sounds a little manic and dependent, which isn’t too unusual for her age. Maybe down the line, if she is feeling desperately lonely, you can suggest mental health therapy.

If you value your relationship with her, you have to speak up about your own needs, or you will grow to resent her.

For the record, most of the time, if I want to talk to my younger sister who is a mother, I have to do it while she is driving home from work — which works out because we live in different time zones — or sometimes on the weekend.

My sister’s day is more packed than mine, and maintaining routine is important for her child. If I’m upset, she’ll talk to me anytime, but that’s not just for chit-chat.

Maybe since your sister won’t answer your calls or your texts, you can try writing out your thoughts in an email? That way, you can write more detailed thoughts and think about how you say them, which you might have a harder time doing verbally.

You could address:

(1) Your apology:

— I am sorry for how I talked to you on the phone. Here is what was going on with me that day. I was not my best self. There were other things I could have done when you called, like sent it to voicemail and turned off my phone. I am so sorry. I was wrong.

(2) Your needs:

— I’m sorry that I didn’t speak up more clearly earlier.

— Describe your needs: I have to maintain my routine with my kids. As you know, my partner is at work, so it’s just me to keep them on schedule.

— I really enjoy our talks. And, I know you just moved into your own place. I know that can be overwhelming, and I want to support you, because I love you so much.

— Your boundaries: I can only talk at X time to catch-up.

Or, I can only talk on X days of the week for a catch-up. [Set a boundary even if it is artificial. She needs to learn boundaries, and you need to practice setting them. You can always change them later. Don’t let your guilt make you talk yourself out of this and backing down.]

— If you call and I don’t pick up, just shoot me a text saying that you’d like to talk that night if I’m free.

Please don’t call more than once. Sometimes I leave my phone on in case my partner needs to call me about an emergency, but I ignore calls that are not from him. So, I’ll have one kids yelling in one ear, and one kid crying in the other ear, and then I have the phone ringing multiple times in the background. It makes me feel [state your feelings — frustrated, and guilty, and like I can’t be everything that everyone needs me to be, like I’m letting you down, or worry that it’s an emergency and that is why you are calling more than once, and it weighs on my mind].

— Obviously if you need something, like if you are upset and need to talk through an issue, you can call me anytime. I can be flexible when it’s important. I just can’t change my daily routine.

— I love you so much! I promise that I am going to try my best to be more communicative about my needs going forward, so that I don’t lash out at you again.

Good luck!” Blue-Cuttle

5 points (5 votes)

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GamerGoddess89 1 year ago
Ntj because you hurt your grown ass sisters feefees. That's ridiculous to say she's the jerk when she's asked multiple time for her to stop calling at that time. Her sisters excuse was she's hanging with friends? Are you forreal? So bothering her when she's putting her kids to bed is acceptable because her sister was too busy with friends to call earlier? Yall have issues if you really really believe she was wrong. Compassion has a place and this isn't it. Your sister is a baby and needs to grow tf up or listen and call at an appropriate time.
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14. AITJ For Stealing My Friend's Family Recipe?

Everyone knows family recipes are a sacred and special thing. But were they really in the wrong here? Did they even technically “steal” at all?

“I (27F) have a friend, Sam (34F). She sometimes hosts “dinner parties” that are really just our friend group going over to her place to eat. Sam started doing this around Thanksgiving last year, and at the beginning, she was a tad unorganized.

This led to her being frazzled and rushed and generally not fun to be around for like half the night.

Now, I like to cook, so after the first couple of get-togethers, I offered to help Sam in the kitchen to get things ready. She accepted, and things started to go smoother. She wouldn’t let me do anything major because she still wanted it to be “her” party, so when I would come over a bit early, it was usually to help with things like processing ingredients, stirring, and cleaning.

Smaller stuff that let Sam free up her hands. After she got a better handle on how to prepare for her parties, she didn’t need my help anymore and told me I could stop. She’s been doing everything alone since.

One time when I was helping, Sam decided to make her family’s secret recipe. It’s a chicken casserole. She said that she only made it once or twice a year, always around the holidays, because it was special.

I thought it was good and wanted to try making it myself. Because I was helping Sam out with the side dishes when she made it and because I have a really good memory, it was pretty easy for me to reconstruct the recipe. I made it for myself a few times, and after tweaking it a bit, I was satisfied that I’d gotten it right.

I had my sister (33F) and her family over for dinner a couple of weeks ago and decided to make the chicken casserole. Everyone loved it, and my sister asked me about the recipe. I told her where I learned it and gave her the recipe.

Word somehow worked its way back to Sam, and she was livid. She called me, yelling about how I’d “stolen” her family’s secret recipe.

I told her it’s just chicken casserole and not worth screaming at me for, but she just called me a word that rhymes with bunt and then disinvited me from all future dinner parties.

Obviously, the rest of our friends found out, and they’re split. Some agree with me and say it’s just a recipe for chicken casserole and not worth being upset about. It’s not like Sam runs a restaurant or patented the recipe, and now after stealing it, I’m using it to make profit or directly compete with her for business.

I just like it, so I make it for myself. It’s nobody’s business but my own.

The rest of our friends say I’m a jerk because the recipe wasn’t mine and that it was special to Sam. I shouldn’t have “learned” it without permission, and I should stop making it now. I told them that was stupid and that I wasn’t doing that, and now they’re mad at me too.

Am I really the jerk here? It’s just a stupid recipe.”

Another User Comments:
“ESH and NTJ. Yeah, I know it makes no sense.

She said this was her family’s secret recipe. As in they make it to share with people but don’t give it out to others. It’s clearly something special and important to her and her family, and you took that specialness away from her.

You should have asked her if it was okay with her first.

At the same time, it is just a recipe, and it isn’t that big of a deal. Your friend is overreacting a bit, but she feels hurt by your actions.

A good middle ground would have been to use the recipe yourself but not share it with your sister or anyone else. Obviously, it’s too late for that now. Had you not shared it with your sister, your friend may never have found out, and you wouldn’t be in this situation.

That doesn’t make it okay that you took it in the first place.

Additionally, if it was that important to your friend, she should have been more specific with you about not taking the recipe, or she should have just cooked the dish without help, so you couldn’t learn the details. The fact that you were helping her and learned the recipe by helping her makes it a bit murkier.

The right thing to do here would be to apologize to your friend. Tell her you didn’t realize it was so important to her. Stop making the recipe, and ask your sister to stop making it as well. There are countless other recipes out there for chicken casserole, so you can pick one of those instead.

You didn’t mean to hurt your friend, but you still did.

It doesn’t necessarily make you wrong, but it also doesn’t mean your friend is wrong. Just do what his right by your friend.” Ranos131

Another User Comments:
“It was special to your former friend. It doesn’t matter if it wasn’t special to you. Or if it’s not special to this unsympathetic sub. It was special to your friend, and you knew that.

Then you sneakily memorized the recipe when she gave you the utmost respect in thinking she could trust you.

If you thought it was no big deal, you would’ve just asked her for the recipe. You wouldn’t have to waste time trying to figure it out. You were satisfied you “got it right” meaning satisfied you figured out your former friend’s recipe. You didn’t ‘tweak’ it for yourself like everyone is illogically saying. You wanted to “get it right” meaning replicate your former friend’s.

Then you told your sister “where you learned it,” meaning you got the recipe from Sam.

Then shared it when you knew it was special to Sam. You’re a big flaming jerk, and the friends who are taking your side are idiots because you’ll end up screwing them over eventually too.

YTJ.” NonaOrganic

Another User Comments:
“I’m going to start by saying NTJ.

I’m my family’s baker, so I am usually the one stocking the dessert tables at our family gatherings. For the past decade or so, I’ve made a banana pudding cheesecake for Thanksgiving and my grandaddy’s birthday that my relatives (and invited friends) think is awesome.

I personally love baking with other people because I can get them to measure things out for me while I follow the steps, and every single one of my assistants could almost certainly make the cheesecake without me. That’s because, when they help me, they see where I deviate from my written recipe and know my secret ingredient. And which ingredients they can measure with their hearts.

If I wanted to prevent them from making their own version of my super special banana pudding cheesecake, I wouldn’t ask them to help me.

What you did was remember about what went into a dish you thought was yummy and then tinkered around with it. so you could make your own version of that yummy dish. Good for you. Awesome. Keep doing it.

And next time you bake a cheesecake, y’all dump some instant banana pudding mix into it. You’ll be instantly converted.” Brightfirelyt

3 points (3 votes)

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Jazzy 1 year ago
NTJ. She didn't own the recipe. Anyone who says you are, needs to grow up and get out their feelings!
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13. AITJ For Not Sharing My Dinner With My Diabetic Roommate And Causing Him To Have A Hypoglycemic Episode?

‘I (23M) rent with 3 guys: Ty, Michael, and Simon. Simon has diabetes, and he’s having a hard time managing it.

Here’s how the problem started – I’m the last to get home. I arrive at 8 when the guys are all home. Every time I try to order food from the restaurant, I’d ask the guys if they want to order as well. They say no at first, but once my food arrives, they gather around me in the living room and help themselves to my food.

It irked me a lot since it kept happening, and I’m too nice to tell them off.

Days ago, I came home to Simon sitting on the couch. The other guys were still out. Before I ordered food, I, again asked if he wanted some, and he said no. This time to avoid having to share my food, I decided to go eat in my room once the food arrived.

Not gonna lie, I got some looks from Simon, but I thought nothing of it.

I went to bed at 11 pm, and at around 2 am, I woke up to a loud knocking on my door. I then opened the door, and Ty yelled saying that Simon just had a hypoglycemic episode, and Michael drove him to the hospital after I refused to share my dinner with him earlier.

From what I understand, he didn’t eat for hours and was counting on eating dinner with me, but I took the food to my room, and he didn’t get any. Ty and I started arguing after he called me a selfish jerk for hiding/withholding the food and letting Simon go through this knowing he’s diabetic and can’t stay without food for long periods of time. He thanked God they recognized his symptoms and took him the hospital early.

I said I already asked if Simon wanted to eat, and he said no – Ty said it’s cause Simon was gonna say that since he’d couldn’t afford to buy food and was hoping I’d share, but I hid it instead. I said I wasn’t obligated to pay for others’ food, which set him off on me about how horrible my attitude was over a few dollars, but finances are an issue for me.

Simon hasn’t talked to me, but Michael and Ty kept blaming me and said that they no longer trust me around Simon. Moreover, Michael called Simon’s parents. I had an argument with him cause of this, and he said I have no excuse for treating a diabetic like that. I’ve been getting a lot of bashing from them over that, and I have been feeling incredibly guilty thinking that I might have contributed to this in a way.


Another User Comments:
“Typically in similar situations, I would say you are not. This time, however, I’m going to say all of you are. YTJ and here is why: you should have had the courage to be honest with your friends. Instead, you just hid how you felt and kept letting the anger build up. Then you did something just to spite them. That makes you a jerk.

No, you do not owe them anything. If you had just told them from the beginning how you felt, this wouldn’t have happened.

That being said, your friends are even bigger jerks. They used you for free meals and became dependent on them. They knew you were too scared or nice to say anything. When you cut them off, they got angry. They probably feel entitled to it now.

Obviously, they have never respected you. Personally, if I was in your position, I would be looking for a new place to live and a new friend group.” Sadistic_Cons

Another User Comments:

Simon should manage his diabetes himself. It’s really not your responsibility. Moreover, if Simon wanted food but couldn’t afford any, he should’ve at least swallowed his pride and asked you. You didn’t deny him food, and eating in your own room isn’t a crime.

And the fact that he “counted” on eating your food just sounds sort of manipulative. Also, they should never assume anything.

If Michael and Ty are so worried, they should babysit Simon and make sure he eats on time and pay for his meals.

I also think it’s time for you to find some new roommates because these guys suck… If you were irresponsible, then by that same logic, we could also blame Michael and Ty for not being home for Simon.

While it’s unfortunate that Simon ended up at the hospital, it’s not your fault. And you don’t read minds, how could you know that Simon hadn’t eaten for so long?” Arzoo1106

Another User Comments:
“NTJ and screw these guys.

I have a close family member with type 1 diabetes. Any doctor should be telling him to have sugary snacks/drinks available for exactly this situation. He goes nowhere without a sugary sports drink.

Granted, accidents happen or perhaps he couldn’t even afford a bag of sweets. But here’s the thing: he never asked you or explained what his issue is, that he couldn’t afford dinner.

Are you supposed to just automatically feed this grown adult and manage his diabetes for him? No, if he needed help, and it’s this serious, he should speak up. If he felt too ashamed, that isn’t your fault either.

It’d be different if he asked, you said no, and left him to handle it alone. That’s pretty cold. But you’re not a dang mind reader; you don’t know he’s taking your food because he can’t afford his own, not because he’s a cheapskate.

Also, tell your “friends” to take some of the blame. By taking advantage of you, they made you feel like you had to slip off with your food. They have diabetes too? No, they were being leeches and made consequences for the person actually in need. Also, why is it solely on you to feed him? Why don’t they start buying dinner?” maybemaybo

3 points (3 votes)

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GamerGoddess89 1 year ago
Def nta there is no way I'd be paying for my roommates food. He needs to get a better job or buy GROCERIES! Not your fault and not your problem. He can't EXPECT you to share and pay everytime. Your roommates are jerks dude.
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12. AITJ For Buying More Expensive Gifts For My Friend Than My Partner?

Some people would argue that they knew the friend longer, but others would say that romantic relationships always supersede friendships.

“My best friend of 7 years has very expensive taste. I’ve always bought her fancy and luxurious gifts, and she is the happiest when I do so. No, I never wanted to be with her romantically or she to be romantical with me; it’s just a thing we did, and we were always close platonically.

I’d do the same for my male friends as well if they had expensive taste.

My chick of 2 years never showed or implies she had expensive taste. So I just bought her some regular things because I knew she’d be happy and grateful either way. I didn’t have to break the bank to make her happy, and I really love her for that.

But recently she raised a concern to me about how it seems very weird and dismissive and favoritism how I put so much effort into my best friend’s gifts than I put into hers.

She said she’s feeling I favor my best friend over her because I put more thought and more research into getting her the perfect gift while to my chick, she assumes I just get the first thing I see just to be done with it. I explained to her that I buy her more random gifts because I know she doesn’t prefer something specific and that she’d be grateful even if I gifted her a chocolate.

She told me that’s the problem and that I never even thought of putting effort into her and that I’m simply not paying attention. It never occurred to me that way. Apparently, she’s been trying to speak about this, but she claims I never get it, and she feels like I ignore her on purpose and favor my girl best friend over her. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

Your girl is clearly bothered by the thought going into the gifts and not the value. If you bought your friend a random bar of chocolate from an expensive shop and bought your partner a personalized bar for a fraction of the price (Cadbury does those in the UK), she’d probably feel differently.

And after reading some of your comments about it being ‘tradition’ with your friend and that she would be upset if ‘the dynamic changed,’ it’s a little concerning.

The status quo of friendships changes as people go in and out of relationships. People’s priorities change through life, but spouses and kids should always come first. If you had a standard tradition of going to the cinema every Saturday night, would you one day tell your hypothetical fiancée that you can’t get married on Saturday because of a tradition? What would you do if your partner wanted to go away 1 weekend for a special occasion, but you can’t afford it because of a ‘tradition’ of buying expensive gifts?

Honestly, your friend sounds like she is jealous, but not of your girl per se, but that she has a male friend who buys her expensive things, and she doesn’t want that to change.” Coffeeisareligion

Another User Comments:
“So you call this person your BEST FRIEND and are worried she would be mad if you changed your tradition of buying her expensive gifts? Dude, that’s not a best friend.

A best friend cares about you, cares about your happiness, and cares about your success in your relationships.

Here’s a radical idea. Have you ever considered TALKING to your best friend?! Tell her the situation. You can’t afford the gifts you’ve been giving her in the past because you now have a romantic partner and need to also buy her gifts. Any best friend worth their weight would not have a single problem with that.

They would be understanding.

In fact, a BEST FRIEND would probably tell you to spend most of your earnings on your partner because she wants to see your relationship succeed.

So I’m not sure why you’re not talking to your best friend, and I’m not sure why you are willing to allow your partner to feel second-rate to this person. But dude, YTJ.” Pure-Chemistry835

Another User Comments:

Well, it’s none of your girl’s business what you do with your finances unless you share finances.

You’ve been friends with your best friend 3.5 times longer than you’ve been with your girl, so to best honest, your platonic friendship is on more stable ground than 2 birthdays into your relationship.

On the other hand, you are treating your girl like a cheap date because you are happy to pander to the whims of your high-maintenance friend.

You are basically teaching your partner to be high maintenance to feel valued.

If your bestie would go off you if you didn’t buy high-end stuff for them, you are actually buying acquaintance, not friendship.” Fit_General7058

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You seem to be making a lot of excuses and taking no responsibility. You act like you are sure you know your partner doesn’t want more thoughtful (or I guess you call it, high maintenance) gifts. But you also say she has accused you of ignoring subtle conversations/hints about the subject of your gift-giving.

So obviously you should be considering that your assumptions were wrong, but you aren’t for some reason. You also keep saying it’s a tradition to spend a lot of time and funds spoiling a friend, so it’s unfair to stop. No, no it isn’t. A true friend understands that life and priorities change. If your friend is going to resent you or your girl because she no longer gets pricy gifts from you, then your friend is using you.

If you are still her friend, still offer her support, stay connected to what’s going on with her, etc., then the only thing that will have changed is the cost of a gift you buy. That means she is materialistic and doesn’t care if you are her friend; she cares if you show up with designer sunglasses or something.

Your partner deserves to have thought put into her gifts.

That doesn’t have to equal expensive, but so what if it does? You’ve said you have the pocket change. If you don’t have the finances to buy both expensive gifts, your girl should come first. You can’t use the “I’ve known my friend longer” excuse at this point. Any partner you have will always have less time with you than a friend you’ve had for years.

But at some point, you have to choose to be a good partner and recognize that if you want a relationship to work, you need to put them first. Right now, you aren’t. You are prioritizing a friend. If that’s how you want to live your life, then be honest with your girl. She will never have known you longer than your friend. So she will never take priority over this friend. Point blank, tell her your rationale, and let her decide if she wants to be in a relationship with a partner who will not put her first. She has the right to decide that.” angel2hi

3 points (5 votes)

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penny22 1 year ago
What a jerk! I'm not even going to comment on the gift thing. You've got a best friend, male friends and partner that you refer to as your "chick". Your partner should be your best friend. If I were her I'd dump you a$$ so fast it would make your grandkids dizzy!
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11. AITJ For Not Wanting To Name My Daughter My Deceased Mother-In-Law's Name?

“I’m being called a jerk and also being told it’s my decision to make, and I’m so confused. Sadly, my husband’s mother passed away at the beginning of November. We didn’t find out we were expecting until the end of the month. Everything has been fine these past few months, but ever since my pregnancy has progressed, things have gotten horrible.

We found out it was gonna be a girl in January, and ever since, my husband is dead set on naming the baby after his mother.

He said he’s so happy to have a girl and that it’s a sign to honor her after her grandmother she’ll never meet. The problem is, I don’t really like the name. It’s a bit old-fashioned and classic, and it’s not even close to anything I would want. The name is something like: Paula, Carol, Joanne, Cynthia, Francine (it’s one of those). Not a hideous name but not my style or modern honestly.

I told my husband that perhaps we could have it as a middle name, and that suggestion upset him. He said who goes by their middle name and that no one would know it except for whoever processes her paperwork and us, and he wants it as her introductory name. I didn’t want to argue about his mom, so I let it drop, but after seeing him buying baby clothes with the first initial of the name, now I’m beginning to worry.

I sat him down last week and told him that we still haven’t chosen a name yet; he realizes that, right? He said that he thought we did. I said no. We got into an argument, and he said he doesn’t understand why I’m being so evil and that it means a lot to him to name his daughter after his mom. I said that I understand that, but I don’t like the name.

It was hard to say, but I said it. After I said that, he got silent and stormed off.

We didn’t speak unless it was extremely important this entire week, and he broke the ice last night saying we need to revisit the conversation. He asked me which names I wanted, and I told him. He said that they are all nice, but they have no sentimental meaning and aren’t important like his name is.

I brought up the middle name compromise, and he got upset again. He said he’s seeing me in a different light and that he didn’t know how selfish I’m being over a name, and he can’t believe this is causing so much debate. He said that I have been horrible during this grieving process and left. I called my sisters crying in a Facetime call, and one says I’m being so over the top about not liking the name and I can live with it, and the other says she sees why I don’t like the name and doesn’t see the middle name as a bad compromise.

So AITJ? It’s two people saying I am.”

Another User Comments:
“I can actually see both sides of this – I’m named after my grandmother and despise my name. My sisters got “normal” names (Like Jennifer, Fiona, Lisa, etc.) whereas my name you would only ever hear in an old folks home (think: Gertrude, Olga, Edna, etc.) from the last century. This name fell out of fashion for a reason! It’s annoying to say and spell, and worst of all, my mother forbid nicknames.

That said – I lost my dad last year, around the same time my brother had a baby, and I found myself weirdly sad he didn’t name the baby after my dad. Now, I know rationally that’s just the grief talking, probably my brain just trying to keep him in the world somehow (the baby was just a concept right then, not a “real” human being to me, whereas dad was very real, and it’s hard to accept he no longer exists).

So I guess my advice would be to sit down with your husband and try to imagine this name from the baby’s perspective. They are the ones who will have to go through their lives with this name, and like it or not, certain names have unfavorable associations (I wouldn’t want to be a Karen right now, for example). I think the middle name idea is ideal – if your daughter chooses then, she can use that name.

But bottom line, she is her own person (or will be, at least). I don’t feel in any way close to the grandmother I was named after (if I could ask her one thing, I would ask if she hates the name as much as I do), in fact, I feel weighed down with it, and all my mother’s expectations that came with it. Apparently, my grandmother was some kind of saint and was invoked any time I stepped out of line as a kid.” ididitforcheese

Another User Comments:

He’s being emotional about this because he is grieving. It is going to be impossible to have a reasonable discussion with him about this until he can separate this issue from his grief. Unfortunately, you’re on a timetable here because the kid needs to be named at birth. So you are in the unenviable position of having to deal with this while your husband isn’t capable of being fair about it.

He needs grief counseling NOW. I think it’s a really bad idea to name a baby after a loved one while you are grieving because it will put a bunch of unfair expectations on the kid. Your husband needs to recognize that no matter what y’all pick, the kid will have the final, ultimate say. If she hates the name or the expectations heaped upon her because of it, she will change it.

Can he deal with that? Even if he can, I don’t think it is fair to put your daughter in that position with her father.

If I were friends with your husband, I would tell him that he needs to back down. He is lashing out at you because he is in the “anger” stage of grief and you are a convenient bad guy. That isn’t fair or nice.

He owes it to his family to process his grief in a healthy way, and step 1 is not taking it out on you or your daughter.

You have about 3 months left before the baby comes, right? Can you get him into grief counseling and agree to table this for a month? It might make things more constructive.

My heart goes out to you. Dealing with a pregnancy, a newborn, and a grieving husband all at once is a lot.

I hope you have the support you need.” CalamityClambake

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your baby might be healing for your husband’s family, but it is not that baby’s responsibility to heal the family. Not to mention they are so close to his mother’s death that this baby will forever be compared to her dead grandma. Has a similar personality? Oh, that’s just like her grandma. Likes the same color, even if it is not her favorite? Mom liked that color too! Eats the same type of food? Mom would’ve loved to see how much she enjoys the same foods as Grandma.

You see where I’m going with this. I mean, it’s already happening with their insistence that this baby was the miracle they needed after losing mom.

Your baby will not have her own identity because it will be forever tied with the proximity her birth has to Grandma’s death. It will be doubly worse if she’s named after her. That’s not fair to her, and it’s not fair to you that you be forced out of the baby naming process because your husband is going through an understandably difficult time.

It’s not unusual at all for middle names to be in honor of family members. My husband and I did this, and you know what?!? There are SOOOO…many people that know my kids’ might middle names and know the meaning behind why we chose them. Shoot, I was just having this conversation at the park yesterday with some friends. We even have a funny story behind why my son’s middle name is spelled the way it is, and we absolutely tell people that when we talk names.

You’d actually be surprised at how often the name conversation comes up, especially amongst moms, and they all share the middle names and why they were chosen, and you know what?!? The vast majority of the middle names chosen are chosen to honor a deceased loved one, to carry on a family name, to honor a tradition, etc. they often end up being MORE meaningful than the first name BECAUSE of the sign while still allowing the child to have their own identity in their first name.

One last thing, a friend of mine lost her brother when she was 6 weeks pregnant. It was sudden and tragic. It turns out, her baby was a boy. She wanted to honor him as they were extraordinarily close, so she used her brother’s name for his middle name. Everyone that knows them knows this. He’s 11 now, and both of her kids know who their uncle is and they know he’s their guardian angel. He appreciates the significance of his middle name but is also able to maintain his own identity through his first name. He was absolutely the reason my friend was able to heal after his death, but she never made it his responsibility to heal her.” Littlelady0410

2 points (2 votes)

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ankn 1 year ago
NTJ. We have two boys. I would never have burdened a boy with my father's name as a first name. His name was old-fashioned and invited annoying nicknames. We used my father's name as a middle name for one, and my husband's father's name as a middle name for the other. Worked fine. They mostly just give the initial, and only give the full middle name for legal documents.
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10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Share My Inheritance With My Cousins?

“My father’s brother J got divorced 2 years ago because his relationship with his wife K became toxic. He had to give up his living house as alimony to her, and both his kids (19,17) refused to remain in contact with him because K told them to choose one of their parents. So he started living with my parents, and we both had formed a very good bond.

A few weeks ago, he died due to a heart attack. When we met with his lawyer L, we got to know that he had hidden a lot of his financial stuff from his then-wife. He told us that divorce as well as alimony was mutually decided between J and his wife, so he didn’t have to disclose his properties in court.

We got to know that he miraculously acquired three houses after his divorce, out of which he passed two to me and 1 to my sister.

He listed my dad as the beneficiary on his insurance and passed two bank accounts to his sons and 1 account to K. L also told me that I inherited some stocks. He asked me would I like to share those stocks with my cousin too, which I refused.

Now I am being confronted by K that J did fraud with her and their sons. She is telling me that she will sue him.

L told her that he will then file a counter case for defamation against her and listed that she has no claims to support her statements and wished her best of luck for suing a dead person. My parents are feeling guilty for my cousins, and they want to split our inheritance with them, which I don’t want to because this sum will make our future secure, and I know how much J was upset with his sons.

If he wanted them to get anything, he would have listed it in his will. So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“Your uncle was a massive jerk, and YTJ as well for continuing to benefit from your uncle’s fraud. Even if the terms of his divorce were agreed upon, the other party was knowingly deprived of the necessary financial information to be able to bargain in good faith. Therefore, their agreement was based on a fraud.

You can absolutely sue a dead person by suing their estate. It would be much better to negotiate a settlement through attorneys than to litigate the matter.

Nevertheless, your attitude about casually robbing your cousins of their rightful security in favor of securing your own bright future is really sickening.

YTJ.” puppyfarts99

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There are (at least) two separate actions here.

One is in respect of the divorce, where if she’s evidence of fraud, K might be able to make a claim against her ex-husband or his estate.

The other is the contesting of the will itself, on the basis that blood/immediate family has a claim. In my jurisdiction, disowning wouldn’t be enough to eliminate the claim. I don’t agree, but that’s what I was told by my estate lawyer and why my documents have express statements about my siblings, including the reasons for exclusion. Your uncle may have gotten past that by including some amounts for each of his sons, but that’s up to a lawyer to argue in court.

Get one for yourself. Not the estate’s lawyer. Tell your parents to do nothing, and say nothing to K and the sons, with respect to the estate.

Your father’s free to split the life insurance proceeds with the sons if he chooses: that’s his responsibility and choice. The houses and stocks are yours and your sisters.” tosser9212

Another User Comments:
“Can’t really answer this, to be honest, without knowing more about what his relationship with his own family was like.

All you say is that his marriage was toxic and that the kids chose their mom – this tells me that either his wife and sons are terrible, or he was terrible to them.

Obviously, if they’re terrible, then don’t give them anything; they don’t deserve it, but if he was the toxic one (there could be a lot you don’t know), then it’s fair to say he kept things from them maliciously.

Even in that worst-case scenario, you’re obviously not obligated to give them anything, but I wouldn’t dismiss it so swiftly if that’s the case. They could really use the help?” SmakeTalk

1 points (1 votes)

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stmc1 1 year ago
NTJ. he left it to you, you are under no obligation to share it.
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9. AITJ For Dropping Out Of A Wedding Because My Fiance Didn't Like The Bridesmaid Dress?

I mean, one thing is for certain: the bride-to-be is being a bit of a bridezilla…

“I was supposed to be a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding, but I ended up dropping out because of the bridesmaid dress, and now my friend is really angry with me.

When we originally went to look for the dresses, my friend made it clear that she was going to have the final say, and the bridal party would just have to wear what she wanted.

She ended up picking a dress that I would never have worn in any other circumstance. It has a low v cut neckline and a high slit, so depending on how you’re standing, a lot of skin is on display. I did mention to her that the dress was out of my comfort zone, but she still picked it.

I wasn’t happy about the dress choice, but I was going to try to suck it up for her sake until I showed my fiancé.

He made a comment about how you could see more of me in that dress than even he had seen before. When I asked him if he didn’t like it, he said it wasn’t something he would pick. and I looked uncomfortable in it. After we talked about it, I decided to drop out of the wedding party.

When I told my friend and explained my reasoning, she was really upset and begged me not to drop out.

She sent my fiancé texts calling him a controlling jerk and told me she wouldn’t come to our wedding because she couldn’t support me marrying someone like him.


Another User Comments:
“YTJ for blaming this on your fiancé. Grow a spine and tell your friend the dress is too revealing for you, personally. Making a choice this big based on your fiancé’s clothing opinions does make them controlling.

While it’s important to also adhere to dress codes at times, what you wear should be your choice and your choice only. Don’t let a man tell you what you can/cannot wear. I don’t blame your friend for not supporting the relationship over that. The controlling behavior won’t stop at clothing.

You must not really care about this friendship if you chose to drop out of the wedding instead of talking to her about slightly altering the dress to give you some more modesty.” Breadcrumb-Forest

Another User Comments:

To me, it doesn’t sound like your man is a controlling jerk; he said “you look uncomfortable in that,” which is a sentiment you expressed to the bride-to-be before you even spoke to your fiance. It sounds like he’s supportive in my opinion. If he was controlling, he would have said, “There’s no way you’re going to the wedding in that! I won’t allow it!” Or “You don’t get to decide what you wear; I do.”

It does sound like you lack a bit of spine though, no offense.

I can be the same way. If it’s something you really don’t feel comfortable wearing, that’s fine! If the bride insists this must be the dress, and you’re not comfortable with it, then the best option is to drop out. But make sure you express explicitly that you are dropping out because YOU don’t want to wear that particular dress, not because of anything partner says.

His echoing of your thoughts has helped you stand firm, but they are not the reason why you’re not okay with the dress.” WingedCerberus

Another User Comments:

Yes, she’s the bride, so she should get final say, but she should understand that will come with people dropping out of the bridal party if she doesn’t consider their comfort.

You’re the jerk for using your fiancé as an excuse or letting your fiancé control you. If you didn’t like the dress, and it was about your comfort, you shouldn’t have even brought your fiancé into the conversation with the bride. If you are solely dropping out because your fiancé is not ok with the dress, then your friend is right. It is a controlling relationship.” CompletelyChaotic

1 points (3 votes)

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GamerGoddess89 1 year ago
Nt and idk what these people are talking about you aren't using your fiance to get out of it. He isn't being controlling and this whole thing is just dumb. You don't like the dress, don't feel comfy in it ,and don't want to wear so that's it. Your friend can suck it up. She wanted this dress so she gets the consequences.
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8. AITJ For Ignoring People Who Mispronounce My Name?

“Moved to the US recently and I do have a fairly uncommon name – not just for the USA but also in England where I grew up. It’s St John, which is pronounced Sinjun. Now I accepted long ago that most people would get it wrong on the first try; I’ve been called John, Saint John, even Street John. However, when I correct people and explain it they will then call me Sinjun, which is what I prefer.

However, there are a couple of people on my team at work in the US office who refuse to say my name correctly. They keep calling me John or Johnny, even Jim despite my protestations and corrections.

Basically, this came to a head where I sent a message to my direct team and explained my name, even with a YouTube video to a link of how to say it, and I’d only be answering to Sinjun when spoken and St John when written.

I’ve stuck to that policy and have actively ignored people who call me John whether they’re talking to me or if it’s an email. In fact, if it’s an email, I’ll send it back to my colleagues saying that they must’ve sent it to the wrong person as there’s no John on this end. Of course, if it’s a client or someone at the company who I have minimal contact with, I’ll let it slide, as again, I realize it’s an uncommon name.

However, these are colleagues I interact with 5 days a week and see in person for two of them.

Things came to head when I didn’t follow up on a task meaning one of the colleagues didn’t get a presentation done on time meaning he had to stay late and make it up in the evening.

That led to an HR complaint, and currently, we’re on arbitration – though, honestly, my feeling is that if you address someone, you do so by their preferred name.

Heck, it’s not like it’s a particularly hard name to pronounce as it only has two syllables.”

Another User Comments:

Unless someone has a speech impediment, language processing difficulties, things like that, then they should learn to say your name properly.
I changed my name completely, and it took a while for people to correctly use it, but now it’s extremely rare for anyone to call me by my dead name.

Likewise, my niece changed her desired name multiple times when she was a teenager, often enough that it made it really freaking difficult, but we did our best to accommodate her, and these names weren’t even legal; they were just what she wanted for a time.

If someone is incapable of pronouncing your name correctly, fine; find an alternative that works for you and that person, but everyone else just needs to suck it up and learn.” Otherwise-Status-Err

Another User Comments:

You lose the high ground when you willingly and knowingly ignore emails and requests to do work and part of your expected role, for which you are employed. And this is not a case of “well, it wasn’t intended for me, so how should I know?” You said as much yourself; you “acted like that was the case,” so you were ignoring the emails out of malice and pettiness rather than a genuine miscommunication.

You should have gone to HR and escalated it that people are not addressing you as preferred which you find demeaning and unprofessional. Then go from there.

You now have to contend with being the individual who showed themselves to be quite grossly unprofessional because you were personally offended by something and chose not to seek recourse in the proper manner. So you’ve kinda shot yourself in the foot here.” BoomTheBear86

Another User Comments:
“I sympathize and NTJ, but I do have a funny tale about your name.

In high school, we read Jane Eyre. We also had a student-teacher. A regular teacher thought she was competent enough to leave for a week. She comes back and starts asking comprehension questions about Sinjin. We’re all looking at each other like who the heck? She RAILS at us for a good ten minutes about responsibility and doing work and why we shouldn’t waste her time.

I finally raise my hand and tell her to hold on; I read AHEAD, and there is NO Sinjin mentioned, so what?! She references a particular page, reading something aloud. I say, do you mean ST JOHN?! She says, “Didn’t Ms. X tell you the British say it Sinjin?” Um, noooo.

I give her props; she apologized profusely, said she didn’t think she had to clue in another English teacher as to the pronunciation, and she shouldn’t have railed. But yeah, that’s how the name is pronounced.

OP, I can guarantee if I worked with you and that went down, I’d have corrected everyone I knew doing it, and they’d have heard that story multiple times.” songbird563

0 points (2 votes)

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Babygirl83 1 year ago
I know the feeling. My name is very common and is spelled at least four different ways. It is also part of a saying that originated from a very well known movie. The supervisor is currently working on her PhD in Nursing & is the only person that mispronounced my name. It ends with cia (E-sha), and she keeps saying (is-C-ya).
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7. AITJ For Kicking Out My Friend After She Gave Her Partner A Key To Our Place?

“I (28F) own a three-bedroom flat. My friend (27F) was struggling for a place to stay, so I told her she could stay with me, and I’d rent her one of my rooms out till she found somewhere else. This was just a loose agreement, not on paper, etc. as she is my friend. She has been staying with me for seven months.

All things considered, she was a decent enough roommate, she didn’t eat my food, she paid me on time, but it annoyed me that she’d sometimes forget to give notice her partner was staying overnight, but she always apologized and promised next time she’d remember to, and she did maybe half the time.

The issue came about two days ago when I walked into my home and found her man watching tv. I was a bit surprised by this as my friend shouldn’t be home yet but asked if she was in the other room, and he told me no he was just waiting on her to come back from work. At this point, I was more than a little on edge by the fact he was somehow here without her and asked him how he’d gotten in.

He showed me the key and said she’d given him one, so he could come ’round to hang out.

I won’t lie, I was shocked at this and rather upset. I demanded he give me the key back and get out of my home. He seemed surprised and ready to protest as she’d given him the key, but I told him this was my home, and she had no right to do this and to get the heck out now.

He handed over the key, clearly thinking I was overreacting but left. When my roommate came back, I confronted her asking her why she thought she had any right to give a key out and to especially do so without asking me. She told me I was being unreasonable, and it was her home too, so she should be able to give out keys if she wanted to.

This led to an argument, and I finally told her this wasn’t her home; she was only renting a room, and she was to get out within two weeks as I don’t trust her now.

The last two days, she’s been trying to tell me I’m overreacting and being unfair. She has apologized, though admitted she doesn’t see what the big deal is and is begging me not to kick her out.


Edit: As some people think, two weeks isn’t much time to find a new place, but don’t worry; she won’t end up on the streets. She can find a new place or go back to her parents’ home which is where she was staying until I let her move in. If she didn’t have them to go to, she’d have more time.”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ, not for being upset but for kicking her out.

I know I’m prob gonna get downvoted, but she is right. Technically it is her home too. She is paying rent. If she is paying rent, it’s her home too. And depending where you live, if it’s the US, by law in most states, you have to give her a 30-day notice whether there is a lease or not.

It was wrong of her to give him a key without asking.

But it was her partner, who you’ve met, and not a stranger. Getting upset is valid, but I think kicking her out does seem a lot, especially to only give her two weeks’ notice. Where is she supposed to go? She’s your friend and clearly didn’t realize it would be that big of an issue. She screwed up, but does it justify making her homeless?” hiyajn1242

Another User Comments:

This isn’t a situation where you and a friend are renting a home together where each of you is on the agreement and you each pay half. This is a lodger situation to help a friend out. She’s been inconsiderate about half the time by not telling you her partner would be staying over. And now she thought it was ok to give us a key to your house in which she is only lodging in one room? NTJ.

She didn’t even bother to ask first, which is massive jerk action. Maybe she thought it was easier to ask for forgiveness, but she just didn’t see that need to ask you.

No, you’ve helped your friend enough by taking her in I’m assuming without contact and cleaning fees and without a background check and on short notice. She pays rent, fair enough, but it’s clear that after seven months, she’s looking for a place that’s hers as she wants to give out keys to other people.

It’s time for her to move out.” Wonderful_Ad968

Another User Comments:
“I’m going to be downvoted I’m sure. I say ESH.

My reasoning is when you allow someone to move in and set up residence, especially when paying rent, they become tenants. She’s been there 7 months, so I’m positive that counts as residency. Therefore, if you live in the US, you cannot tell her to leave within 2 weeks.

You will have to serve an eviction notice and take her to court. What I’m wondering is if there were any stipulations verbal or in writing of what she could/couldn’t do as a tenant in your home? Technically that’s what she is.

While I agree with you she shouldn’t be giving keys to people, it’s technically her home too. You gave her that status when you agreed to let her move in and took rent from her whether it was for a “room” or not.

Are you affording her the same respect as you are expecting from her? As in do you let her know when your partner is coming over, do people you know have keys to your house? While everyone should have enough respect to inform roommates when they’re going to have company, do you inform her? You allowed her to become a roommate, and I get being nice because she’s a friend.

You technically have a roommate/landlord situation. I wouldn’t like coming home to some random in my house; I agree on that point. However, telling her it’s not her home because she’s renting a room just isn’t so! I’ve gathered she pays rent. Does she use the kitchen, bathroom, does she get mail there? I’m betting yes. When you rented her the room that, in turn, makes it her home. You need to evict her the legal way cause 7 months, that’s her residence now too, and you would be the jerk regardless if she has somewhere to go or not. If you didn’t set ground rules when she moved in, so you can’t come back later and call foul.” GreenDistribution903

0 points (4 votes)

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GamerGoddess89 1 year ago
Ntj. She is completely disrespecting you and YOUR house. She pays rent for one ROOM. not the house it isn't her house. I agree with you and feel you didn't over react especially since this is a repeat offense on her bf. Also giving him a key was straight wrong. He isn't living there and she has zero right to give ANYONE a key let alone bitch that it's her house too. I'd be done with that too. If she was a friend she wouldn't walk all over you then play victim and act like your crazy for having boundaries
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6. AITJ For Refusing To Teach My Partner How To Do Chores?

“I’m 20F, and my partner (23M) has always lived at home where his mom did most (all) of the chores.

He moved in with me a few weeks ago and asked me to help him ‘learn’ how to do certain things.

I started with cooking. I figured that would be one of the most useful skills to know for him. So every night when I’m cooking, he ‘helped’ a bit, with me explaining why and how I do things.

That has been the first two weeks or so. This week, I told him to try himself without help. I found some easy recipes of foods that he likes and left him to try things out.

Every single night this week, I’ve had to do a big part of the cooking. Because he “doesn’t know how to cut this,” “doesn’t know how to do this,” or “it tastes better when you do it.” I’m tired of it.

And that’s just cooking, I’ve been doing almost all the other chores myself too.

So I told him I’m done. That he’ll do his own laundry, cook every other day, and do the dishes on the days he doesn’t cook. That he can ask certain things but only if he can’t find the answer himself, and I won’t show him / do it for him.

He got upset because ‘relationships are about helping each other,’ but I feel like he doesn’t want to learn and just pushes things off on me.

I’ve shown him how to make French toast twice, but he still claims he ‘doesn’t know how to do it.’ I even wrote down the recipe! I just want him to put in some effort instead of expecting me to do it all.

I’ve talked this over with my mom, and she said I should be grateful he’s even asking to learn. My partner thinks I don’t want to help him with anything.

I think he’s a grown man and shouldn’t need his hand held the entire way, especially with simpler stuff. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

Sure, it’s good that he wanted to learn. Initially. At least til he found out there was work involved.

Most of the time, when someone has an easy out for something hard/boring, they’re going to take it. As long as he has the easy out where ‘he doesn’t know how’ and you do it for him, he’s going to take it and keep not knowing how.

He can do all the things you’re asking him to do. Will there be trial and error? Sure there will. And that’s how he’ll learn. He needs to accept that if he’s ever going to be any kind of self-respecting adult.

Hold the line, on behalf of women everywhere.

P.S., When I was 17, I (f) moved in with 2 guys of the same age. Did they know how to cook or clean? No, they did not.

Did they teach themselves? Yes, they did because they needed food and clean clothes. They followed instructions on the back of the bloody pack. They used common sense to figure out the washing machine even before there were videos online about it. They grew up. And they cooked better than I did by the time they moved out.

None of these things are arcane knowledge that can only be taught by some mystic.

They literally only require basic effort.” Left-Car6520

Another User Comments:

It sounds like he is deliberately playing dense to get you to do it all because that way is easier for him. It’s called weaponized incompetence.

Your mom has a low bar. These days, MOST guys know how to cook. Heck, my partner and my 18-year-old brother cook better than I do! My partner and I don’t tally up who does what; he cooks more, but I do more washing up, etc.

but it doesn’t feel uneven. It’s important to have a partner who is willing to do their share. If you give in here, you may spend your whole life with him resenting that he doesn’t do his bit.

He’s 23; he’s been an adult for 5 years. He is old enough to try and learn and to do his share.

Doing the washing, dishes, and cleaning are not rocket science.

He really shouldn’t need to be shown more than once, twice max. Cooking is a bit trickier, but again, most of us can figure out simple things like a couple of pasta dishes, stir fry, etc. without a ton of intuition.

I would insist he does 50% of cooking, cleaning and – and think it’s great you game him doing his own washing. If it doesn’t go great, tell him, “No problem, I’m sure you’ll do better next time.” Make sure the focus is on the fact you believe he will do great and that him struggling at first will not lead to you dropping everything and doing it all for him.” linerva

Another User Comments:
“Dare I point the finger – YTJ.

With a small j. OK, hear me out. How long were you going out with him? Before he moved in with you? The things you are trying to teach him are the things you needed to learn about him BEFORE he moved in. So on the one hand, you can facepalm yourself every time he can’t do the simplest thing. But really, having somebody move into your place is a big deal.

Even just as a roommate, let alone a relationship. Why would you let somebody move in with you without finding out the basics of what they’re able to contribute?

You don’t have a man; you have a project. Do the best you can, but like many of the comments so far, he’s gonna wear you down. Faking interest in cooking. And then complaining that’s harder than he thought and that you do it better.” Capital-Western8687

0 points (4 votes)

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Katydid1 1 year ago
He is a Mama's boy. If he is old enough to live with somebody, he should know how to do this stuff. You are living with a man child!
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5. AITJ For Renting Out My Husband's Man Cave?

“Since we moved into our house 3 years ago, my husband lives in his man cave. The walkout basement that he plays video games in mostly is a 1 bed, 1 bath with a small bar area that can serve as a kitchen. He only comes up for food, to prep for work, or to sleep, and it’s been bothering me because he never helps with the housework or our 2 sons.

But at least he goes to work, so I let it go and leave him be.

5 months ago, he was laid off from his job and has been applying for another one in sales. Right now, he’s collecting unemployment, and along with my teacher’s salary, it isn’t enough to cover everything. My son (9M) has been playing guitar for 4 years and loves it. But his lessons and guitar are quite expensive around $300 a month, and my other son does kickboxing which is $170 a month.

I didn’t want them to have to give up their activities, so I looked for other ways to continue to afford it. My husband is very prideful and won’t work a job beneath him; I’ve already tried to convince him to work a $16/hour cashier job for our family friend, and he refuses because it would be humiliating having friends see him work at a register at 37-years-old.

So I found that we could rent the basement out for $1,100 a month, and it would allow my sons to stay with their activities. I told my husband, who refused, saying it was his space. I argued I didn’t get a space, and if he wanted to keep it, he should get a job while he’s looking for another sales job. He got angry and told me it was his house, and he won’t allow it being rented out.

We both put down payments down, and we both make salary in this house, but it’s his house?! I told him we are not making ends meet, and he told me to cancel all unnecessary spending including our sons’ activities. I argued if he got a job or agreed to rent out the downstairs, they wouldn’t have to, and he said that wasn’t his problem.

I posted it on social media just to see if anyone would be interested, and a student reached out.

She is a college student who wanted to rent, and it was a perfect fit because she didn’t have a pet and was going to be gone most of the day anyway. I said ok and went excited to my husband who was really angry saying we aren’t renting out “his space.” I was mad that he wouldn’t sacrifice anything for our sons when I’m working and raising them, and he isn’t working now but isn’t doing anything to help.

I told him I was moving out with our sons, and I think he recognized I was serious and gave up and told me to do whatever I wanted. I moved his gaming stuff to our living room, and the student moved in today. He is still mad that I undermined him, and I feel kind of bad because I didn’t want to make the decision without his agreement, but at the same time, I feel he was selfish to refuse to either get a job or give up his man cave for our sons to continue their activities and keep us from going into debt.”

Another User Comments:

I make 20.00 an hour now. I don’t have kids, but I guarantee you if I had to work in fields “beneath me,” I would. That’s utter bullcrap. I don’t understand people like this.

When you need a job, you get one. I have zero sympathy for people who can work but choose not to because “it’s beneath them.” That attitude is a slap in the face to the workers who have no choice BUT to work those jobs.

Smh. You make half of my monthly income just on the space alone. How childish and elitist.” Reddit user

Another User Comments:
“I would say ESH. You are the lesser jerk in that you made a decision without having your husband in full agreement… having said that, he is the jerk for not realizing the dire situation your family is in. The funds you need must come from somewhere, and cutting kids’ activities is a last-ditch option (part of having kids is knowing you will sacrifice your desires for their betterment), and you found what most people would consider a reasonable solution.

However, having your husband on board is of vital importance if you care about your marriage.

Now, for all the people saying your husband is a piece of crap, why are you with him, etc… I have 2 points to make:

There’s nothing wrong with the husband having some alone time/space. Yes, OP should have some alone space as well, and yes it sounds like OP’s husband is spending far too much time in his private space, but also:

We are just hearing OP’s side of things.

This is clearly a sore subject (for good reason!), and while I respect OP’s irritation and annoyance at the husband, we are hearing and seeing everything through the lens of an angry person, which is hardly objective.

If you care about your marriage, OP, you need to talk to your husband and clearly explain how dire both the financial and emotional situation is, that you need some resolution on both fronts, or else you are willing to end your marriage.

Explain that you need his participation in raising your children, tending the house, and taking part in your marriage, or else you don’t see why you should continue to be together. If he loves you at all, he will listen, and if you try everything and he won’t, then start looking into divorce and other options.

Good luck, OP. I’m sorry you and your family have ended up in this situation, and I really hope it gets resolved in the best way possible.” geckobrother

Another User Comments:

This guy certainly doesn’t sound like much of a go-getter. Sounds like he’s more interested in living in Mom’s basement than providing for his family (or even participating). I can’t imagine why his employer cut him.

I don’t like to decree divorce based on small stories and one side, but holy heck, this guy needs to shape up or ship out.

Edit: by Mom’s basement, I mean your basement…

You’re just standing in for Mom. He sleeps down there?

Do you have a romantic life together? Don’t answer that, I’m only asking rhetorically because it sounds like the answer is no which is another indicator that this is not a functioning marriage.” Circle_K_Hole

Another User Comments:
“Hold up! Everyone here saying NTJ: If this was a man doing this to a woman, most of you would be screaming bloody murder and calling him every name you could think of! Say what you want, but most would.

We’ve seen it tons of times.


You for renting his space after he said no. It’s a joint decision. It’s home to BOTH of you. He is still bringing in salary. Maybe not as much as before/needed, but it’s still there. Bringing a stranger into your home is a big deal, especially without both agreeing. There are a lot of things to consider like safety, privacy, and strangers around your home/kids.

Not to mention, you just brought an innocent person into what may be a hostile environment. Who knows how they’ll be treated and what will happen if your marriage goes sour. If you have to break their lease and pay THEM. Feels like you wanted to be “right” and teach your hubby a lesson before thinking a lot of things out.

He is most definitely the jerk for hiding out and not being a productive member of the household.

My hubby and I both love gaming, but life and responsibilities come first. If he’s not doing his part and you truly feel like he isn’t, then it’s time to ask him to leave. Take a break for a couple of months and let him get his priorities in order. Hopefully, you’ve already tried having a discussion with him about how you feel. Not yelling, accusing, belittling, or demanding.

An adult discussion away from the kids. If you have and he didn’t change, then you need a break to reevaluate things. You run the house and do it all as you say you have been. Let him go elsewhere and stew for a bit. I wonder if you are scared of doing this because maybe he’ll decide he likes life better like this. I know lots are.

Maybe you aren’t. Regardless, decide if you are ready and willing to deal with however this plays out.

I agree the kids shouldn’t suffer, but everyone falls on hard times. If they need to give up their extra activities for a while, then they will survive. Make play dates with friends and let them continue lessons on YouTube. We all have to make concessions when times get hard.

Doing this ONLY for the benefit of the children? I don’t believe you. Sure you want to continue “keeping up with the Jones,” but sometimes you can’t. A temporary break isn’t the end of the world. There are other options.

Best of luck to you, OP. It’s a hard situation, but neither of you should be bullying the other in this situation, and it seems like you are.” -jenn-lynn-

0 points (2 votes)

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NekoIlsa 1 year ago
If he's not disabled in any way and won't work because it's beneath him than so NTA. You need the income to make ends meet and he's just being lazy until something better comes along. Unemployment doesn't last forever and sitting about waiting and playing games for 5+ months when you have a family is awful.
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4. AITJ For Telling My Wife That I Was Childless When I Met Her, Even If I Might Not Be?

“I’m childfree and always have been. When I met my wife, she was thrilled that I didn’t have kids and was sterilized.

Unfortunately, I had a situation before the big v and meeting my wife where I may have fathered a biological daughter, who we’ll call Emma, but it’s a complicated situation. For a start, Emma’s mother is not sure who the father actually is, but with how timelines are, the biological father is either me or one another candidate.

Secondly, there is no way to establish paternity due to the international situation. Emma’s mother moved to New Zealand before she knew she was pregnant because she got a very good opportunity and had a quicker path to citizenship than most. By the time Emma was born, she had NZ citizenship and had decided to renounce her US citizenship for personal reasons.

We did try to sort it out, but even without the unique problems presented by the global situation, trying to do anything legal internationally with those complications is difficult at best.

Ultimately, it wasn’t possible to even establish paternity, let alone do anything else if everyone wanted that. We all decided that we should stay as family friends and leave the door open for contact and testing in the future.

My mom talks more to Emma’s mother than I do and thinks highly of Emma, but it’s not like a grandma relationship and she knows the truth, although she frequently nags me about it and doesn’t agree that letting it go was the right decision.

We just started doing family dinners again, and my mom decided to pick that fight again in front of my wife. Now my wife is mad at me for “hiding a child” from her. I didn’t. I don’t legally have any children, and there is only a 50% chance that Emma is my biological child. Emma’s mother is raising her with an entire family and probably a partner by now.

It’s basically a donation situation where I may not even BE the donor. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

I’d definitely think it would be an important detail of your life that you’d want your spouse to know. A 50% chance that you have a child is quite different than simply not having children.

I had a similar situation where I was with this girl for about a year. We had unprotected interactions and were not too careful.

Well, one day we were talking about what if she got pregnant. Well, she was in college and I was just starting a career, so I said I’d be open to considering ending the pregnancy. We were both young and just starting out, and we’d have plenty of time to start a family on our terms.

Well, she turned cold as ice. She broke up with me within days and moved back home, 1,500 miles away within a month.

I was like, “Holy smokes, was she pregnant? And I gave the wrong answer, so she just bailed?!?” I was never able to get in touch with her again.

The point of that story is, I told my wife about that when we were seeing each other and things got serious. I told her although chances were slim, I could have a child out there. I just didn’t want a kid to pop up one day saying I was their dad and have my wife totally taken off guard.

So anyway, yeah. The fact you know there is a child out there that is 50% likely yours, you are for sure the jerk.” Reddit user

Another User Comments:
“You don’t NOT have a child because you can’t prove that. You may not legally have children but is that the only understanding of parenthood/genetics you understand, through the lens of legal obligation? Is the only reason you don’t want children is because of legal obligation? There are many layers as to how you are a “parent” – custody is not the only one.

And I refuse to believe you’re too dim to understand that. This is Schrodinger’s Paternity; prior to any specific genetic evidence that she is NOT your child, she both is and isn’t. 50% is a huge chance. And regardless of what things look like now, it’s not a leap to imagine Emma may want to know you in the future, which is something that would impact your current wife.

Plus, in general, you HAVE to know this is lying by omission.

I am curious as to how your wife feels about the prospect of this being your child. Does she WANT to know whether or not she’s yours? Is she interested in having a relationship with them if Emma is your biological daughter? Is she disappointed that she may be in a child-rearing role (despite that not being the case now), or is she mainly angry with you for withholding this information? And, in conversations you previously had about not wanting children, why did you not mention this whatsoever? I cannot imagine it didn’t occur to you.

Were you afraid your now-wife would bail?” holyflurkingsnit

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – however…

A few things: 1 -You could have dine an at-home DNA test from CVS swab, you both, and mailed it in. DNA last 6-12 months on a swab. So there’s that – over a time in the last 2-3-8-10 years! 2 – You should have told your wife you have a possible daughter as your mom is in contact and if all of you are together and your mom says – hey, Emma A-B-C , your wife wouldn’t be clueless. 3- Your wife can be mad you didn’t tell her; however, it’s not like had you told her, she wouldn’t have married you. And most women just don’t want to baby momma drama, and there isn’t any. Your marriage won’t change as it sounds like only your mom is interested in communication with her.” wannaspoilme35

-1 points (1 votes)

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jasn1 1 year ago
You are a jerk because you didn't do what you should have to determine paternity. It isn't up to you or the mother. Emma has the right to know who her father was. And you should have been up front with your wife.
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3. AITJ For Telling My Brother-In-Law He Shouldn't Attend A Family Christmas Dinner Since He's Not A Christian?

“The title may seem horrible, but bear with me. This happened last year, and I still haven’t spoken with my sister and brother-in-law.

I (F 25) and my partner Jeff (27 M) have been living together for almost 5 years now. He asked me to move in with him at his apartment and is such a caring, wonderful human being. And my brother-in-law, my oldest sister’s husband, on the other hand, has made it very clear since I introduced Jeff to my family that he (brother-in-law) doesn’t approve of us living together while not being married, like I needed his approval.

He has made a lot of backhanded and passive-aggressive comments about this for years, and most of the time, we just ignore him and brush it off.

I assume it’s partly because he’s jealous of Jeff and his accomplishments. I’m not trying to brag, but Jeff’s from a wealthy family and a successful businessman. He buys me expensive gifts, and we often go on long vacations around the world, just the two of us.

Meanwhile, my brother-in-law is the manager of a small department store in our town. I can sense his jealousy towards Jeff through his bitter remarks on our lifestyle, etc.

At every family gathering, he would tell us, albeit playfully, that Jeff shouldn’t have come since he’s not an actual part of the family, AKA he’s not my husband, and it’s a ‘family’ gathering, which really rubbed me the wrong way.

Jeff has always been nothing but smiles and being kind to him and even asked me to just ignore my brother-in-law. I have tried to talk to my sister about this, but she always brushed it off as him only making jokes and that I should not take it seriously.

Last Christmas, we were at my parents’ having a Christmas dinner, and again, my brother-in-law tried to pull his crap on us, telling Jeff loudly, “Hey, what are you doing here? This is a family gathering! You shouldn’t have come!” And I decided I’d had enough.

Jeff had recently lost his father, and I wouldn’t let anybody pick on him and make him feel worse.

So I said to my brother-in-law, also in a light and playful tone, “Maybe YOU shouldn’t have come. You’re not even a Christian. Uhm, Christmas is a Christian tradition? What are you doing here?”

My brother-in-law is Jewish by the way. He looked stunned. The whole table went silent.

Jeff kicked me lightly under the table. But that shut my brother-in-law off completely because he left us alone for the rest of the dinner.

Later that night after everyone had left, I had a huge fight with my sister and her husband. They said it was just a joke and that I shouldn’t have humiliated my brother-in-law like that in front of the whole family. He even accused me of being anti-semitic.

I told them I had had enough of him and his horrible behaviors. He should just keep his opinions to himself and stop criticizing my and Jeff’s relationship. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My stepmother had the same “only family” ideology about holidays and certain gatherings. It’s basically her way of excluding people she doesn’t approve of. She and my father married something like 16 years ago. I was already over 21 and had a kid.

She’s never treated me, my kids, or my sisters and their families, like we are her family. She wouldn’t allow my partner to come to Thanksgiving until we were together for 2 years. His first Christmas, they only spent like $50 on a gift card for him and at least $300 on each other person, including my sister’s partner who’s been around the same amount of time as mine.

(They’re very well off. So the amount they spent was completely intentional. My partner had also just remodeled a house that Stepmom was one of the real estate agents for and made a hefty profit on.) Stepmom also hates that my daughter brings her ex to holidays. They are still roommates and best friends. He still takes her to holidays/events with his family. He’s a bigger part of our lives than stepmom ever was.

I’m petty as heck. So when Stepmom asked for a new family photo, I decided to include both my partner and my daughter’s ex in the photo. The family photo she has hanging up of me has my ex and his kids. She won’t change it to an older one without them. I was told until she gets an up-to-date picture, the most recent one will be displayed.

For the Father’s Day following their cheapskate Christmas, I gave my dad a card with $50 inside. I’ve gone low contact with them. She is toxic as heck.

Oh yeah, Stepmom loves to pretend she’s a good Christian. Jesus would totally want people to be excluded and alone. Also, according to Stepmom, Jesus wasn’t Jewish his entire life. He converted to Christianity.

Ugh. Sorry for the tangent. I just hate people who use religion and “family” as an excuse to exclude others.

Some people are just jerks, like me for posting this rant. Lol.” Reddit user

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Brother-in-law has been bullying you with his “jokes” for too long. By the way, lots of folks bring their partner to Christmas gatherings. It shouldn’t be “family only.”

I would suggest that if there is any attempt to heal the relationships, you lay out how hurt you were by your brother-in-law’s repeated comments and that what he thinks where jokes you found hurtful and painful, and if there was any respect for you, they would stop (using the “when you say X, I feel Y, language).

By the way, you’re welcome to our (atheist) Christmas celebrations! The more, the merrier!” UnableBroccoli

Another User Comments:
“ESH. Your joke was a pretty poor one (unless you started the dinner with a prayer and had it after going to church your dinner wasn’t part of a Christian festival), but your brother-in-law’s traditionalist views don’t seem to be in line with your family’s view. In my family, your partner would not be invited to a Christmas dinner if you were not at least engaged, so maybe his more a traditionalist in his view.

Or maybe his is trying to look out for you in his own way in telling your partner that, hey mate, 5 years is long enough – do you want to marry her or not? Either way, both of you were a bit of jerks here.” scattley

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I don’t blame you for having an issue with your brother-in-law’s treatment of your partner, but bringing religion into it and doing so in front of an audience was not the way to go.

There’s millennia of oppression and forced assimilation of Jewish people and maybe 5 years against your partner. Your words were going to land harder.

A private discussion with your brother-in-law asking him to knock it off would have been ideal. Or a “Brother-in-law, can you give that old joke a rest?” in the moment in front of others. Or even a “Brother-in-law, can you not today? Tired of it” coldly delivered wouldn’t have made you the jerk.

I’d apologize to him one-on-one for making the comparison, but express that how he treats your partner hurts. Ask him why he can’t treat him with respect. Get it all out of the table, and see if you can agree to compromise at “not friends but friendly at mutual events.” You might spare yourselves years of bad feelings if you can get to a place of stating feeling, listening non-defensively, and asking for what you need from each other.” Firefliesfast

-2 points (4 votes)

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jasn1 1 year ago
NTJ It isn't just a joke if it is hurtful. You gave BIL a taste of his own medicine.
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2. AITJ For Cancelling My 7-Year-Old Son's Birthday Party?

Does the punishment fit the crime?

“For the past three days, our seven-year-old son has mistreated his two-year-old baby sister by yelling and screaming at her because she gets into his way. Well, today I came home from work after my wife called saying that our son was caught screaming at our two-year-old in her face because she accidentally knocked down his Lego tower. My wife and I have tried explaining to him that his reactions are unacceptable, and we’ve been stern with our tone.

Yesterday, I told him that he had one more chance, and that if he blew it, his birthday party at a trampoline palace this Sunday would be canceled. But, he blew it after the phone call, I received two hours ago. I told him no birthday party and that I meant it, but he continued to deny what he did and acts like he “din du nuffin” wrong.

He rarely pays any attention to his little sister, and when she tries to engage with him, he’s borderline psychotic.

Wife believes that we should come up with an alternative punishment because all the RSVPs have been received, and we booked the party. They do have a 24-hour cancellation policy which means I can still take it away. The punishment needs to sting and sting hard because our son needs to learn how to treat people and how not to react when he’s annoyed.

What I didn’t tell my wife was that I just called the trampoline place to confirm the cancellation.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ for canceling the birthday party – seven is more than old enough to understand that he was clearly warned that these would be the consequences for a very specific behaviour, and if you don’t follow through at this point, you’re basically telling him not only that he can do as he pleases, but that YOU cannot be trusted to keep your word, positive OR negative, and that’s a terrible precedent that actually makes kids feel unsafe.

He needs to see that you keep your word reliably, even when it’s about things that he doesn’t like.

That said, the people who have commented that he needs therapy, and soon, aren’t wrong. As someone who has worked with and cared for kids for over 30 years, the kind of explosive rage towards a SIGNIFICANTLY smaller and younger child and indifference to her vulnerability is worrisome.

He’s seven, not four. Developmentally, he is old enough to understand that his sister isn’t much more than a baby, and while frustration with her is understandable, his method of coping (or rather not coping) with that frustration isn’t just inappropriate; it’s borderline dangerous. He’s lashing out physically in her vicinity, shrieking at her, and not responding to age-appropriate discussions (I assume) about the power imbalance.

He needs a professional both to get to the root of why he’s so resentful of her (because this degree of frustration isn’t necessarily pathological, but it’s not par for the course either) and to help him learn healthier coping methods for his frustration.

Oh, and for the record, the people who are arguing that you shouldn’t have canceled the party because “other kids expect to go” are ridiculous.

The mental health and well-being of BOTH of your children are far more important than someone else’s kid’s anticipation of cake and trampolines. Their parents can do something else fun with them. Your son needs help right now, not to be celebrated. You are NTJ at all.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU

Another User Comments:

You can’t diagnose your child as “borderline psychotic” because you’re not a doctor that has any skills to diagnose your child with anything.

And calling your child that is a jerk thing. If your child has behavioral issues, it’s YOUR fault for failing to get him the support to properly fix and treat the issue. So blame yourself, not your helpless child. Be a better parent.

You disregarded your wife’s opinion and did whatever you wanted with the punishment. That also makes you a jerk.

Take this with a bit of self-reflection and acknowledgment that science objectively knows what discipline works for kids; Negative reinforcement does NOT—and I will emphasize that it DOES ABSOLUTELY NOT—correct behavior in children with behavioral disabilities.

Punishment is a form of negative discipline. It is not effective and so canceling this party will not fix the behavioral issue, nor will it magically open your child’s eyes to their behavioral issue. It will make them upset, angry, and feel isolated. They will direct those feelings at your 2-year-old, and the behavioral cycle you claim to want to fix will only be fed by you because you are effectively enabling your child to continue this cycle of behavior with your ineffective route of discipline.

Positive discipline and positive behavioral correction are how you can fix behavioral issues that are due to behavioral disability.

Take your 7-year-old to a therapist and get their plan of treatment. No, they won’t give your kid any meds at his age unless no route of behavioral therapy helps them, which it’s pretty rare that medication is necessary as long as the parents are actually sticking to the therapy plans at home.

Usually, medication becomes more necessary when they get older and puberty hits them. Unless you take your child to therapy, you’re just enabling them to continue these behaviors, and you’re failing him as his parent.

Beyond all of this, I’m going to say something you probably won’t like and that a lot of people reading my comment probably won’t like, because parents always hate when I tell them it; your child will model what they see from their environment.

So if your son is treating your 2-year-old like this, then he’s modeling it from somewhere. Where is he seeing problems being solved with yelling? Where is seeing anger being spewed with no accountability? Behavioral disabilities can be genetic, but many are the result of their environments and their emotional nurturing being lack luster—if not entirely absent.

And maybe he’s not seeing it from you and your wife.

It could be the shows he watches. The media you and your wife watch as background noise in your daily lives. A family member he visits often. Other kids he’s around a lot that has the same emotional regulation issues that aren’t reprimanded by their parents.

Regardless of where this behavior is being modeled from, you have to figure it out and try to remove your son from that influence to help negate this behavior.” JinxForASoda

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – there are consequences to behavior and you explained to him what those consequences were.

By backtracking now shows that he can continue doing what he’s doing and treating her poorly and overreacting to simple things.

I watched two children with this exact age difference, and the parents would never hold the 7-year-old accountable for the way she treated her sister, and she would actively escalate her behavior. Their excuse was that she was struggling to cope with the baby. She was in therapy, and they had conversations with her and explained everything to her over and over again.

But would never give her consequences or hold her accountable for her behavior.

It escalated to her starting to assault me as her nanny (I have never been hit by a child prior to her) – kicking, punching, slapping, bitting. Her little sister was a blessing, but sweet Lord, that girl was a nightmare.” PsychologicalAide684

Another User Comments:
“YTJ—So you’ve just cemented your 7-year-old son’s utter dislike of his 2-year-old sister.

Did your daughter receive a timeout for knocking down his Lego tower? Was she made to apologize to her brother? Your son worked hard on his Lego tower, and his little sister knocked it down. Maybe it was an accident. Maybe it was intentional. Maybe it was a bit of both.

What happened 3 days ago to trigger your son? Something did, and he erupted. And he continues to erupt, apparently.

My heart is aching for your 7-year-old. I’m guessing he feels he can do no right and that his sister can do no wrong. If Mom and Dad aren’t going to stand up for him by telling Little Sister to leave his Lego Tower alone or not follow him around and getting in his way, then he’s probably decided he’ll have to do it himself.

And now his birthday party is going to be canceled, and he’ll be embarrassed with his friends. I’m not saying that he should be allowed to scream at his sister without consequences, but you have really screwed this one up.” CasperGGGD

-2 points (2 votes)

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GamerGoddess89 1 year ago (Edited)
Ntj and anyone saying you are, are the people who never discipline their kids. You cant say dont beat your kids and on the other hand say dont do negative punishment it makes zero sense and its the reason kids are terrible little devils. You are NOT helping your child by letting them get away with unacceptable behavior. Love how they say you arent a doctor but they have the right to tell u how to do anything with your child. Def cancel the party and stick with it. Also yes he needs therapy if he already has anger problems.
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1. AITJ For Telling My Daughter To Get Over Herself?

“I’m 50F, and my daughter is 26F. She is getting a Ph.D. and is the first in our family to go to college let alone grad school.

We were talking on Facetime, and she mentioned she was meeting with an advisor to talk about submitting an application for a grant to go to Germany for two weeks in the summer. I said it sounded awesome especially since I am half German, making her part German as well, and that I’ve always wanted to see Germany, so maybe I could come out with her and make it a girls’ trip.

She said that “it’s not a vacation; if I go, I’m going to be teaching and researching and networking the entire time I’m there.” I said she can do that during the weekdays, and we can go out to dinner in the evenings and then go sightseeing on the weekends. She said it’s already a very cramped amount of time (two weeks in Europe, cramped?!) and that she wants to spend her free time networking with other “academics” there and making connections at the university.

I said I’m happy to also meet the “academics,” and she said it wouldn’t work like that, and she’d look childish bringing a parent to all of the events with her.

At this point, I was feeling completely tossed aside, like I’m not good enough to be around her “academic” life and “academic” friends. Like she would be embarrassed to have me around. So I said, “You need to get over yourself and quickly because all of these “academics” aren’t going to be the only people you meet and not everyone loves her unconditionally to put up with such annoying and elitist talk.” She just said “okay” and hung up.

My husband was upset with me because now she’s being short with us, but I know he’s also annoyed at her constantly going to all these research trips and conventions (a Hawaii trip, a Seattle trip, a DC trip), and whenever we say we want to come with her (and we’re not even expecting to be paid for, we’d pay for it ourselves), she says she won’t have time, completely blowing us off.

So since my husband apparently now thinks I’m a jerk and my daughter clearly does, I figured I’d ask here.”

Another User Comments:

Why don’t you just listen to what she’s telling you?

Why do you expect to go with her?

She’s right. They’re not pleasure trips. For a Ph.D. candidate especially, they’re intense. And if she wants to get somewhere in her field, she does need to invest in networking.

It’s a lot of work she’ll be doing on those trips.

And of course, it would be weird to bring your mother to work events. Like in any other job, it would look extremely childish and unprofessional to be bringing your ma along like you’re a kid getting dropped off at a sleepover.

You’re being childish to treat this as though she’s rejecting you. She’s not blowing you off; she’s working.

It’s not about you.

You sound insecure that she’s gone to grad school, and you think she’s moving beyond you, so you’re trying to muscle in on everywhere she goes to prove you’re still good enough for her. And now you’ve lashed out and insulted her for it.

Apologize immediately.” Left-Car6520

Another User Comments:

Your daughter’s work trips aren’t a reason to arrange a visit unless she is coming to your town.

Conferences and research trips are a lot of work and it is key to network with other professionals while there.

It’s good you want to spend time together, but it should be more of a, “Hey, why don’t you stay an extra week, and we can come out then to tour with you?” Or maybe show up to Germany a week early to get a feel for everything before her work starts.

Imagine it from her perspective. She has a grant to go somewhere she’d love to see and could help her career, and her mom is saying, “Let me come too.” I understand you don’t think you will require much attention, but she is going to be your main connection while you’re in a foreign land. You’ll want to spend your dinners and nights with her. But that means she can’t go out for afterwork socializing with coworkers or anything.

It’s not that you couldn’t possibly get along with her academic friends, but honestly, what would you have felt in your 20s if you were out with a new coworker and they brought their mom with them? It’s embarrassing and could easily make it look like she is immature and cannot manage herself since her mommy had to come with her to Europe.

Up to this point, this was an understandable confusion on your part mostly stemming from you missing your kid.

However, you attempting to call her out for somehow being aloof makes you the jerk. You aren’t thinking of her needs or wishes at all and want her trips and her experiences to be about YOU.

Sorry mom, she is 26. You aren’t her world anymore, and she needs to be able to find out the person she is without her mom and dad around.

In the future, try to arrange for a fun trip or something together, but don’t use her trips as the excuse to do it.” TendoninBOB

Another User Comments:
“Against the grain – NTJ.

My mom was an academic. She often traveled overseas. She’d be working or presenting papers or whatever. If tied in with school holidays, we’d go too.

Dad would look after us during the day, and we’d sightsee and explore, etc. Sometimes we’d meet up with Mom for lunch or then on the evenings usually meet up with Mom and a few colleagues while they had a drink and talked.

Some nights, Mom had proper dinners that she had to go to but also often there were afternoons she had off, and we’d all go to a museum together.

As kids, we were told to behave, and especially before a presentation, she would get super nervous and stressed, so we just took that in mind and left her alone when she needed it and gave hugs when she needed it.

It’s totally doable to have family there. No one acted like it was weird that family would be there; it didn’t take away my mom’s time with those in her field.” cekay3

-5 points (7 votes)

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Katydid1 1 year ago
This is her business. She's grown & can go by herself.
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