People Expect To Be Consoled With Answers To Their "Am I The Jerk" Questions

Being morally upright isn't always enough to lead a happy life. When things get tough, you usually have to make tough decisions that may not look "good" to others, but rather "jerkish." If people don't know you or your personality, your one nasty action may be what they will remember about you forever. Here are some stories from people who want to defend their "jerkish" behavior. Continue reading and tell us who you believe to be the true jerk. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

19. AITJ For Getting Mad When My Friend Ate A Piece Of My Cake?


“I (F22), have 3 friends, F (F21), R (M22), and G (M21). We all have known each other since we were 8/9 years old.

So the thing is that for the pasts weeks, I’ve been trying to replicate a cake recipe, in order to prepare it correctly on my birthday, which was November 18. This recipe is really special for me, since it’s my dad’s, and he prepared it for me every year.

Sadly my dad passed away in a car accident, 10 months ago. So this would be my first bd without him, and I wanted to have him ‘present’ that day.

The recipe is really ‘simple’. It’s a chocolate cake with strawberries and coffee. However it has a lot of steps, and I am not good at baking.

R offered to help me, he isn’t that good but he knows more than me. So every Wednesday I’d go to his house and we would try to recreate the ‘Chocolate menace’ (That’s how R named it).

Those weeks were kinda rough, we had very terrible failures.

But in the end, we were able to have a decent replication. That day we invited G and F to have a try and they loved it.

So a day before my birthday I asked for R’s help. The cake looked amazing and I was really excited about it.

Well, my birthday arrives and we have a small get-together at my house. We are all having a great time. Then it’s time to cut the cake, I go for it and I find it looking weird. I turn it around and realize that at least half of the cake it’s gone.

I go to the living room and ask if someone took a piece of cake. I was really mad, and I could feel some tears down my cheek. F tells me that we could buy another one. That only makes me madder and again ask, who took a piece?

Finally, G confessed but told me that I was making a scene for nothing. I just lose it and yell at him to get out.

After that, some of my friends left, and R tried to cheer me up by telling me he would bake another one for me.

However, G and F sent me passive-aggressive DMs of how crazy I acted over a cake. Some of my other friends agree with them, while R and others tell me I wasn’t in the wrong.


Edit: I want to clear G’s behavior.

We have known since we were kids and we are used to sharing food. Like I could go to his fridge and grab something, and nothing will happen, we have that relationship. That’s why when he and F went to my kitchen I didn’t mind it since they went to grab some beers.

However, I never thought G would grab part of the cake in the process.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You don’t cut into someone’s birthday cake before it’s served, I thought that was an obvious social rule. You get invited to a birthday party, you WAIT until it’s time to cut the cake, then the birthday person hands out the pieces.

And taking almost half the cake? How big a piece did G need? It was already incredibly rude, but knowing that this cake has sentimental value to you and that you worked hard to bake it properly, makes it all the worse. And then F has the gall to say you could buy another one.

Yikes. And given that G and F both sampled one of your earlier attempts to make the cake, I’m assuming they knew that you were working hard to recreate this recipe?” Thesafflower

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, etiquette around birthday cakes aside… I lost my father this year and I know how hard the first anything can be.

The fact you and your friend spent time trying to recreate the cake so that you could grieve your dad by including his tradition on the first birthday without him is a huge deal. G ruined your chance to do so by helping himself to the cake before you had your moment.

I hope that G has never experienced a sudden loss like this otherwise his behavior is diabolical. It’s clear he is unable to empathize with another human while they are suffering and any friends that have sided with him don’t know the whole story. Explain to them that this was your way of grieving your dad on the first birthday without him around.

G ignored this for his own selfish greed by cutting into your birthday cake, which you made through trial and error over weeks, and ruined the chance for you to cut it yourself at your birthday party. If they still side with him, cut them out of your life.

You don’t need that toxic, unempathetic lot in your life right now.” BDaBear

Another User Comments:


They knew that the cake was a specialty of your recently deceased father that you were really looking forward to having again. It holds sentimental value. That and the fact that it’s your birthday cake means it must’ve been special to you.

I mean, the fact that G ate HALF OF THE CAKE is absurd, and F was completely wrong to defend G. What a pig, man. An unspoken rule is never to eat birthday cake until you’re told you’re allowed to. R is a great friend, I hope you know that.

Dump G and F, their immature asses need to learn what respect is.” Random_person_hhh6

4 points - Liked by Eatonpenelope, IDontKnow, LizzieTX and 1 more

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Spaldingmonn 1 year ago
The only time you eat someone else's b-day cake is when it's handed to you on a plate. This was not acceptable.
Long standing friends or not, seriously, what kind of friends do something like this?
2 Reply
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18. AITJ For Saying My Nephew Is Not Special?


“My (36F) brother (53M) Mike and his wife (52F) Chloe believe that the world should revolve around their son, Logan (31M) and that anyone who thinks differently is wrong and doesn’t realize how ‘special’ Logan is.

Logan, Mike, and Chloe tell people that Logan does ‘freelance for a living.’ Which is code for Logan being unemployed, playing video games, and generally living like a teenager off school.

Mike and Chloe handle all of Logan’s adult responsibilities. They send him money every month so Logan can pay rent and have ‘fun.’ Chloe will cook most of Logan’s meals and drop them off at his house.

She will do and drop off all his laundry as well.

Mike and Chloe tried getting me to fork over money for a Vegas vacation because I had just taken a trip to Fort Lauderdale and ‘it’s not fair that Logan doesn’t get to go on a vacation as well!’ I told them no because Logan’s a thirty-year-old man and I’m not going to pay for his vacation.

Mike and Chloe told me how selfish and awful I was toward my own nephew.

Mike and Chloe also expect other family members to cater to Logan this way and react the same way if someone else isn’t revolving their life around Logan. Naturally, our relationship is very strained. We keep our interactions very superficial and we don’t see each other unless we’re all at a family event.

A few days ago, we were at a baby shower for Mike and I’s cousin. Mike and Chloe came up to me just to criticize me over the fact that I attended Alexia’s (Logan’s ex-fiance) hooding ceremony.

Some background information is that Alexia was given a list of marriage demands from Mike and Chloe.

They expected Alexia to provide three meals a day and do all the chores while still working full-time. Logan had told Alexia that he was completely supporting himself through his ‘freelance work’. Alexia didn’t know until then that Mike and Chloe were sending him money every month and handling all his responsibilities.

(Logan always insisted on going to her house.) Alexia noped out of the relationship, and Alexia and I are still friends.

I told Mike and Chloe that I’m an adult and I’m allowed to be friends with whomever I want. They started to raise their voices and said I’m disrespecting them by speaking with Alexia after she ‘abandoned Logan’ and ‘can’t see how great he is.’ I told them that for crying out loud, Logan isn’t special and he’s an overgrown child.

They may have deluded themselves, but stop being mad that nobody else is enabling their fantasy.

Family members are divided on what I said: Some are agreeing with what I said because they’re tired of Mike and Chloe’s demands that everyone’s life must revolve around Logan and it had to be said.

But others are saying that it was supposed to be a nice family event and even if I don’t mean it, I could have just said sorry instead of causing drama. AITJ?

Note: My parents had me when Mike was a teenager, and Mike had Logan at 22, so I’m closer in age to my nephew.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. They cornered you. They took issue with your friendships. They berated you. You simply defended yourself. They had every opportunity not to create drama. They could have left you alone. They could have been cordial and not taken issue with your friendships.

They could have kept it superficial and non-confrontational. They could have chosen not to press for a response. It’s unfortunate they didn’t like the response provided, but they caused the entirety of the situation – not you.” FeeOverall1497

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Not because of what you said to Mike and Chloe, gods know they had it coming.

But this wasn’t your event, and it’s kinda jerk-ish to get in a fight at somebody else’s baby shower – even if you didn’t start it.

So YTJ, not towards M & C, but towards the unnamed cousin with the incoming baby. They didn’t sign on to hosting the moment when you get sick and tired of M & C’s crap.

Unless they were on board with it, in which case that’s fine. I guess it depends on where they land on the divide. If the hosts were among the ones saying it was supposed to be ‘a nice family event’, then yeah, sorry, YTJ.

Baby showers, and weddings, those are once-in-a-lifetime type experiences.

If you want to put M & C in their place, you do that on your own time.” ImmortalJadeEye

Another User Comments:

“God, No. he is an adult and not special just a layabout whose parents enable him and can’t see reality.

Given the years of this no wonder you lost it with them.

His ex had a lucky escape and you have every right to be friends with whoever.

What is disrespectful about like being friends who this ex when he lied to her and the parent gave absolutely unrealistic expectations?

There is a point where being nice and ignoring the fact is no longer possible.

Definitely, NTJ, the nasty part of me if I was in your situation, would love to see what happens when the money runs out, or the parents are not able to help or pass away – he is completely screwed and it will be his own fault.” Possible_Laugh_9139

4 points - Liked by IDontKnow, LizzieTX, LadyTauriel and 1 more

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Spaldingmonn 1 year ago
ImmortalJadeEye - You do understand that OP was barely a participant in this exchange? OP does not hold the responsibility of Amazing Logans two parents, correct? The jerks are the people who support these horrifyingly weird requests for Logan, anyone who endorses this behaviour - especially at a family event, and anyone (including posters) who thinks that OP should just be nice and quiet, maybe pay for Logan's freeloading, and behave. Tsk tsk.
4 Reply

17. AITJ For Calling Out My Parents' Favoritism?


“So I (21f) have a (17f) sister and to put it there is very spoilt and our parents pick favorites all the time.

My parents and my sister visited me at my college this weekend for my birthday and it was the most miserable I had been in months For starters my sister insisted on living with me at my apartment and when I said no. My parents forced me to keep her as she wanted to be around people more her age, I agreed because it was only for 2 days Then we decided to get dinner as a family and I suggested a diner close by but my sister wanted steak so we went somewhere else again no biggie but the problem started when we all went shopping and my dad told me to get what I wanted as he wanted to spoil me

So we go shopping and as soon as we get there my sister insists that even she needs clothes so we both began shopping and when I’m done I go find my dad and tell him that I am ready to check out. At that moment he tells me that he can’t pay for me as my sister is shopping too and he’ll have to foot her bill I was very upset but said that ‘I thought today was about me’ and he just told me to understand and that she didn’t have money to shop but I do because of my part-time I was on the verge of crying and just put back the cloths and waited for them in the car.

Suddenly my mom comes in and starts lecturing me about being selfish and inconsiderate. I broke down completely at that point and took the bus home. They got home and I confronted them about all the times they favored her. I’ll list some here.

I was giving my SATs back in high school and my mom insisted that I help her clean the house for guests, I refused and asked if she could ask my sister who was playing on her laptop but her mom refused and threw a fit and made me feel guilty the whole day for not helping out.

My mom was pretty strict about good grades and once even hit me because I scored less but now that my sister is a senior, my mom doesn’t do anything even if she fails, all my mom will say is that grades don’t matter.

She was always given gifts for every achievement but all I got was a ‘do better’.

I scored 92% my junior year and I was asked why I couldn’t score more but she got a phone for barely passing in her junior year.

There have been a lot more instances and I talked to them about it but they just got angry and left early.

Like I’m happy that my parents are better at parenting now but I just feel so much resentment for how they treated me. So AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your parent’s fostered the resentment you have by obviously favoring the ‘baby.’ If they don’t want to hear you talk about their failings as parents then they should actually be better parents.

All they did was come up there and let your sister invade your space and take the attention and gifts that should’ve been for you as it was your birthday. I’m not sure, after reading your story, how their parenting improved as they’re still clearly failing you and your sister.

It’s obvious that you’re doing better on your own than when your family’s around, so if you don’t depend on them for anything (which I’m sure you’ve learned not to do), it’d probably be in your best interest to limit contact with all of them.” FaithlessnessTime701

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. There will always be a difference in parenting multiple kids that are not twins as parents do learn from parenting older kids. However, you are correct. Your parents at what was supposed to be a visit to celebrate you and your birthday clearly favored your sister.

They need to hear that is your perspective. If this dialogue continues and they want to know more instances of favoritism, just make sure that your examples are good, and not petty. So far what you’ve described is the former.” anitarielleliphe

Another User Comments:


You have learned that you can not rely on your parents for emotional or financial support. That is unfortunately bad news but it is better to realize it so you can heal from it.

You need to learn that it is not your fault and that you deserve better.

Healing is about learning that you are not the one who is broken. They are broken.

Check to see if your school offers counseling, some of them do. View therapy as a way to get to know yourself. Check yourself for trauma responses to this emotional neglect.

When you can’t trust your parents to love you unconditionally it can be hard to accept love from other people in your life. This can affect how you build relationships.

I’m impressed that you were able to draw a line in the sand and reject their sh!##y behavior.

You should look at this reaction with pride because you stood up for yourself and told them you deserve better.” Few_Improvement_6357

4 points - Liked by IDontKnow, LizzieTX, LadyTauriel and 1 more

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rbleah 1 year ago
Get through school get a good job and go live your own life. Do NOT expect ANYTHING from the parents, YOU WILL NOT GET IT if sissy decides SHE wants something. They will give to HER not YOU. After you are on your own go low/no contact with ALL of them. And when they want you to cater to sissy tell them OH jerk NO. And go on your way.
7 Reply

16. AITJ For Throwing My Coworker's Bra?


“I (f22) work at a bar part-time to help pay for college.

I went out clubbing with some of my coworkers recently, and I eventually went home with some of my female coworkers, we were all a bit wasted. We hung out quietly in my apartment’s kitchen and chatted for a while and ate snacks then they all got taxis home.

Before I went to bed I noticed a bra that wasn’t mine, just sitting around in the toilet like a turd. I knew some of my coworkers used the bathroom but I couldn’t remember who used it last. I took the bra out of the toilet and put it in my room.

The next day, I sent a text to all the girls who were in my apartment and asked them whose bra it was. A few responded to say it definitely wasn’t theirs but not all of them bothered to reply.

After two days of no one claiming it, I ended up throwing the bra away.

I hate wasting stuff but a bra that’s been sat in toilet water and god knows what else is one of the things that’s got to go in my book.

Around 3 days after I threw it out, my coworker Jan (f26) texted me and said she left her bra at my place and asked if she could come and get it back.

I apologized and told her that it had been 5 days and it was sitting in the toilet so I threw it out, but I offered to pay for a replacement.

Jan was really mad and told me that she can’t get a replacement, as the line she bought it from had been discontinued. I apologized again and said I didn’t realize this when I threw it away.

Jan called me inconsiderate and said that I was a jerk for throwing it away so soon, and told me to go buy myself some self-awareness.

Edit: I did only wait two days before throwing it out.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You gave them the opportunity (so long as you definitely included Jan in the group msg) and she had the chance to msg you then to claim it and make arrangements to grab it.

Also, I don’t know about other women but I’d definitely notice if I was missing the bra I’d been wearing at a friend’s place well before 5 days had passed. Bras are expensive and you can be sure I’ve got all my good going-out ones accounted for.

LOL.” AmayaKurama

Another User Comments:

“Let’s see. NTJ. And I wouldn’t have offered to help get her a new one. And let it known that from now on any clothing or anything not belonging in a toilet will be trashed immediately once found.

Very lucky somebody didn’t attempt to flush. She went 5 days not caring about where it was. She was in the wrong for waiting so long to try to get it. Poop germs and/or pee germy bra needed to be trashed and not grow more gross yuck waiting on an owner.

Hazardous material at that point. And not even spending the night there but the bra was taken off. Like why? Was she alone when she took the bra off?” pensaha

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I get it, we are all idiots when we drink and bras are so dang expensive.

But WHAT?! She threw her bra in your toilet? And you were generous enough to tell everyone you’d keep it for a few days, but if you didn’t hear back, it was going in the trash. I honestly would have assumed after a few days that they were embarrassed and no one was going to fess up to the bra.

Who gets mad in this situation? The sleazy, low-class chick who thinks it’s cool to throw their bra in someone’s toilet and then get self-righteous when they ignore your text. What did they expect? An all-out search and rescue team with prized bloodhounds on her scent?

You went above and beyond.” Tally0987654321

3 points - Liked by IDontKnow, LadyTauriel and LizzieTX

15. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go To My Partner's Thanksgiving Dinner?


“I (26F) have been with my partner ‘Will’ for 3 years. We didn’t meet each other’s families until last year, and ever since the first time I have met his family they’ve poked fun at my legal birth name and I’ve never heard a single one of them say it correctly.

I have to obviously use my real name for this, but it’s pronounced like the continent Asia and just spelled differently. All they have to do is say ‘Asia’.

Instead, they call me everything but that. Now my partner is Asian (Korean), but I’m not, I’m black, and in his language, my name can be pronounced ‘Ah-see-ah’ and I find this 100% acceptable, it’s literally just my name in a different language.

In addition, everyone in the family is fluent/semi-fluent in English.

But his family will call me ‘Ajar’ or ‘JayJay’ and ‘AJ’. I’ve corrected them all more times than I can count. I hate correcting elders and it’s rude in my culture but my parents gave me my name out of honor and I won’t let them disrespect it.

There was a last-minute change of plans and instead of driving 1hr to Will’s parents’ house they want us to drive/fly 12+ hours to Will’s sister’s home, for the ‘real American experience’ (cue eye roll) because I would’ve been making Thanksgiving dinner at their house but now its Will’s brother-in-law doing it and apparently I’m not American enough.

I told my partner I’m not going anymore and he told me I was being selfish and a jerk, and that I have to ‘put the family first’ and I reminded him that 1) We’re not married, and therefore not family yet and 2) For a family that won’t even say my name right?

AITJ? I’ve been thinking it over all day and I really don’t think so. I would really appreciate any other perspectives.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. And you need to have a serious conversation with your partner. If he won’t stand up to his family for you in an instance like this where they are objectively in the wrong, what do you think will happen in a more subjective situation?

You will be disrespected by his family for the rest of the time you’re with this guy if you don’t stop this now.

Also, most people wouldn’t be able to make the change from a 1-hour drive to a 12-hour drive the week of the holiday, so even without the other issue, you’d be NTJ for not going.” PepperVL

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It sounds like there’s a lot to unpack here (you mentioned ‘not being American enough’ for them, not technically being family since you’re not married, the sudden change in holiday plans)… but just focusing on the name, I think it’s completely reasonable to want his family to say your name properly (or, as you said, pronounce it correctly in Korean); has your partner corrected his family?

Has he talked to them alone about this?

I also think the last-minute change in plans, expecting you to drive 12 hours vs 1 hour, is an unfair request. It sounds like there is a larger issue of respect going on with his family. If your partner isn’t willing to stand up for you, I’d question the longevity of the relationship if I were you.” Humble-Unit8379

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, messing up a name once or twice, apologizing, and correcting themselves is one thing. But purposely calling you names you’ve corrected them on before is not cool. Especially when your name isn’t hard to pronounce and you are okay with it being pronounced in their language, there shouldn’t be an excuse.

And then to suggest you’re not American enough? If your partner wants to play the ‘put the family first’ card, then he needs to start putting your feelings first as well if he considers you as part of the family.

If you want to be petty, I’d pronounce their names wrong since they think that’s an acceptable thing to do and see how they like it.

But absolutely NTJ and your partner should be sticking up for you more than he is.” _peachblossom_

3 points - Liked by IDontKnow, LadyTauriel and Realitycheck68

14. AITJ For Establishing Financial Boundaries With My Roommate?


“I moved in with my partner ‘R’ and his best friend of 10 years ‘A’ in august. We all got along so well. We split the household expenses evenly, 3 ways, with a spreadsheet for clarity and record.

A month after I moved in, A’s sister and her child came to the states to visit for a couple of weeks, before she would move on to another city for a job she had lined up.

we had some issues in the beginning, but then she moved on. Perhaps a week after leaving, she came back to our state and house due to the job no longer being needed.

She’s been staying here for a few months since then, and no one has given me a heads-up, or a sit-down conversation to explain ‘hey my sister is down on her luck, and will be staying with us (indefinitely), she won’t be able to contribute to expenses, but would you mind covering her portion, are you comfortable with that?’ I’ve only received trickle-down info from my partner, following his talks with A, but never a direct conversation from A.

She buys her own groceries for her and her child and cooks dinners that she hosts once in a while.

About a month ago, we canceled our current housekeeper’s service because we weren’t happy with it. R told me one day that he and A had an idea to pay A’s sister to clean our house (she started a cleaning operation to earn money.) I told R first that it was absolutely uncomfortable for me to pay someone who is staying here for free.

I then had a conversation with A directly, telling him the same thing, and he said sure no problem we can find someone else. I said thank you, it’s just uncomfortable for me due to the principle.

Since that talk with A, he’s been extremely cold to me, won’t look me in the eye, and won’t acknowledge me when I’m speaking.

He and R had a talk last week for a few hours, which I suspected was about me. I asked R days later if anything was going on with A and he confirmed their talk was about me, and he took R’s side, saying ‘what did you expect would happen when you’re talking about his family?’ I left the house that night to be with a friend where I could talk about my feelings openly and receive love and support.

I want to have a house meeting so we can hash things out, and I really hope to resolve this. But I’m looking at rentals in the event it doesn’t go well or I’m no longer wanted here. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“I don’t think there’s even any need for you to have a separate meeting.

Your partner supported his friend after they had a conversation about you. I assume there are 4 people living in the house with rent divided into 3? Your partner doesn’t seem to have a problem with that.

It’s not clear what issues you had when A’s sister had just moved in. Maybe those issues are still in their minds.

You left the house for a night to stay with a friend yet doesn’t look as if your partner has talked to you about it at all.

All these make it abundantly clear that you need to move out of that place and also reevaluate how your relationship is going to move forward.

NTJ” Spiritual-Bridge3027

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your roommate is getting hung up on semantics when he and his sister have absolutely been taking advantage of you for the past few months.

Sure, she’s doing her own groceries, but electric, water, and taking up space you are paying for all adds up. And, given no one was mature enough to discuss this with you at the beginning, it seems you approached this pretty well given the circumstances.

Definitely agree that a house meeting to clear the air is in order.” NeuroticTendencies

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – you are supporting someone and no one consulted you about it. I don’t think you owe anyone anything here and if it were me I’d start on finding somewhere else pretty quick.

Also, think that you may want to have a think about your relationship with your partner he doesn’t seem to be that smart or really care about you and your feelings that much. Save yourself some additional drama and don’t have that sit down with them.

Sounds like they are heavily biased against you already.” ReviewOk929

2 points - Liked by Turtlelover60 and LizzieTX

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mima 1 year ago
Ntj. I would pay 25% only and the other 2 can pay for the sisters 25%. So they pay 75% of all expenses while you pay your 25% and see how they like supporting her and her kid.
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13. AITJ For Not Giving My Son Lunch?


“My husband has worked from home almost exclusively for the last 3 months since our youngest was born.

So, my son tends to want to have lunch with him which is a good thing because my husband probably would keep working otherwise.

A few days ago, he was in a meeting so he didn’t come out of his office at 12 for lunch.

I asked my son if he was hungry but he said he wasn’t and he wanted to wait for his dad. My husband’s meeting finished at 2 and I went to see if he wanted lunch but he told me he was busy. I asked him if he could take a 20-minute break because our son was waiting for him so they could have lunch together.

He did come but he was angry at me for not feeding him at 12 like I normally do. He only got more upset because our son told him he was hungry when he saw him. Even though I explained our son chose to wait for him, he’s still upset and it felt like he was telling me off for letting a 3-year-old make that decision.


Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. It’s completely understandable that your son would want to enjoy the routine of having lunch with his Dad. This is clearly important to him, and you’re not wrong for wanting to make space for that.

Your husband is also not a jerk for needing to work and not being able to take lunch when he regularly does, particularly if he’s in a meeting.

And his concern is also understandable – a three-year-old does need to eat regularly, and they’re not always the best at listening to their bodies. You’re both coming from reasonable places here – so the next question is, how do you move forward?

It’s worth having a conversation with your husband about how important this is to your son and how you proceed. If he’s going to be late for lunch or doesn’t know when he’ll be able to take lunch, can you talk to your son about having lunch on his own and that today will be a Snack With Dad day?

Then when your husband gets a chance to take a break and eat, your son can have a snack with him. If he’s not hungry, he can sit down with Dad and drink juice–the key is that your son still gets special time with Dad, even if specifically eating lunch together isn’t workable, and it won’t always be.

You’re both clearly devoted and loving parents. You got this.” JessStarlite

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Your husband is correct. Your son is only three; he doesn’t understand what two hours are, and that it’s too long to wait to have lunch.

You could have said something to the effect of, ‘let’s have a little ‘snack’ now, and you can have ‘lunch’ with daddy later when he gets out of his meeting.’

Edit: I’m not suggesting that you should have force-fed your son, just that you should have encouraged him to eat something at the normal time. He doesn’t understand time like adults, and he did get hungry while waiting for his dad.” SamSpayedPI

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – I definitely think that you should have texted your husband that your son would wait to have lunch with him so he could prepare for that.

Your husband needs to realize how important these lunches have become for your son. It sounds like he works hard and a lot.

Your son has obviously gone into a routine with his dad and he loves spending time with your husband.

Your husband being angry at you is unfair, even if you would have ‘forced’ your kid to eat lunch at 12, he might just have not eaten it, because he was waiting for his dad.

And then as well, what did he expect? You would force-feed your kid?

It’s a bit of an exaggeration to fight over something that’s seemingly so little. Try to make your husband understand why you did it and that those lunches are just really important for your son and it’s also great father-son bonding.

He should be happy about that.” DarkForestBird

2 points - Liked by IDontKnow and LadyTauriel

12. AITJ For Posting About My Daughter's Favorite Celebrity?


“My daughter and I were recently on vacation. We spent the day in an area that’s known to have a lot of rich/famous people and towards the end of the day we saw one of my daughter’s favorite celebrities (we’ll call her A) walking out of a store.

My daughter ran to the store but when she got near A, she was stopped by A’s security. They said that A was there with her daughter for her daughter’s birthday and wants to focus on her daughter.

My daughter was very upset because she’s been a fan of A for a very long time so she tried again for a picture but was turned away.

My daughter was crushed so later that night I made a post talking about my experience with A. How she wouldn’t let anyone go near her and her daughter, the fact that her security was rude, and her not being willing to stop for a couple of seconds for a picture.

I understand it’s her daughter’s birthday but a 1-minute interaction with a fan isn’t going to ruin her day and if it does, that girl needs to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around her.

The post ended up getting a lot of attention and a lot of people actually said my daughter and I were entitled to expect A to interrupt her daughter’s birthday for everyone that wants a picture.

My husband also saw the post and said he couldn’t believe that I would bash her for trying to spend the day with her daughter. I’m not trying to bash her for spending the day with her daughter but she wouldn’t be where she is without her fans so I think she at least owes it to them to take a picture.

AITJ for making the post about A?”

Another User Comments:


Taking this to your social media was silly.

I get why your daughter was excited to meet her idol. However, her idol can’t go to places without security. She doesn’t have the luxury of having the privacy that you and I have to do everyday things.

For her and her family’s safety, she has to have a permanent blockade around her.

She probably has several encounters like this when she’s out with her security detail. Then there are death threats, and people picking on them online for being rich and famous.

I’m not saying that you or your daughter are like that!

Edited to add: I’m saying that when we meet people, sometimes what we think of them doesn’t match the reality. I hope that your daughter won’t be too disappointed by this.” User

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, and completely lacking in both self-awareness and basic decency towards another human being.

Because that’s what ‘A’ is: a human being. Celebrities are not some form of a commodity that belongs to you and other fans. They’re people, who have feelings and lives of their own.

You and your daughter are complete strangers to her. You may be strangers who admire the work that she does, but you are strangers nonetheless. And as such you are not entitled to her time, her body, or any other part of her.

‘a 1-minute interaction with a fan isn’t going to ruin her day’

But IS IT ‘a 1-minute interaction’? Because you’re only one of thousands (or depending on how big of a star she is, possibly millions) of fans. Do you really think you’re the only people who stopped her that day when she was just trying to spend time with her child?

Do you think a person who only gets stopped for one minute in a day, by one fan, needs to hire security to be with her at all times? Or is it more likely that this is a CONSTANT THING for her, and you were just one of the dozens and dozens of people who intruded on her privacy that day?

‘and if it does, that girl needs to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around her.’

Really? Because YOUR world and your daughters seem to have revolved around her at that moment, on that day. And again, do you really think you’re the only ones?

I think the issue is that far too many people’s worlds DO revolve around her, and she’s just asking people to respect that she is entitled to a private, personal life of her own, outside of your demands.

She wouldn’t be where she is without her fans so I think she at least owes it to them to take a picture.

… and conversely, your daughter wouldn’t have the entertainment that she so enjoys without this actress/singer/whatever she is. This isn’t a one-way street. Don’t act like it is. She already provides you with the entertainment you’ve been consuming. She does not, in fact, ‘owe’ you anything more than that.

YTJ for suggesting that she does. Again, she is a human being, not a commodity.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU

Another User Comments:


They’re celebrities but they’re also people. I totally respect their wanting to focus and spend time with their children on their birthdays.

It is very entitled to think that a celebrity should interrupt family time for a fan.

Yes, their fans help make them popular and all that but that doesn’t mean they owe anyone anything. It’s great when they take the time and make a lasting memory for a fan, but they’re constantly in the spotlight.

People constantly have their hands out and want their time.

Can you imagine the feeling of every time you step out somewhere you have people running up to you non-stop? Not to mention as humans they want some privacy, they have bad days, and they want to be left alone.

Unfortunately, there’s a demographic of entitled people who feel that they should drop everything on their kid’s birthday to appease them.” muskiesfan1

2 points - Liked by IDontKnow and LizzieTX

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LadyTauriel 1 year ago
Absolutely YTJ and a Karen. You and your daughter are not entitled to A's time.
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11. AITJ For Not Wanting To Cut My Nights Short?


“I (F18) have a twin sister. We work at the same place, and I own a car, so I’m our usual ride to and from work (as well as anywhere else we go.) We have a fairly new mutual friend group formed from work, and they want to stay out late and hang out most nights.

This usually consists of getting dinner someplace, smoking, listening to music, and literally just chilling. The only problem is we tend to stay up late and it can push 3, or 4 am sometimes, even with a day shift in the morning. I personally am alright with this, as actually having friends who want to hang out with me just as much as I do with them is absolutely thrilling.

I’ve had very very little social interaction outside of my family since graduating high school.

My sister, however, really dislikes staying up late. She gets really uncomfortable and anxious and tends to beg me to go home around 12 or 1 (for reference we finish closing up the store around 11:30.) We talked about it and I tried to compromise, offering to drop her off or such.

She told me that being separated from me at night would just make her even more anxious and worried, so she’d rather just hang out at night and not bring it up. She keeps telling me she’s being forced to stay up late and doesn’t get to do anything she wants because she’d rather be with me, but I’m not budging on my decision to be out late in the first place.

I am so sick of constantly being around her. I love her so much, but I feel like the fact that she has such extreme levels of anxiety over me staying out late is just making me anxious and uncomfortable as well. On top of how my parents see me, I feel like I’m stuffed into a box.

I was going to drive over to the store after closing to hang out with my newfound friends yet again in a couple of hours, and she originally did not want to come. However, earlier she changed her mind and instantly started saying how she didn’t want to stay up super late.

This means I’d have to go as well because she gets upset when I don’t.

I don’t know. AITJ for wanting to spend more time with my friends? Should I just suck it up and leave early with her?”

Another User Comments:


You are at an age where you want to spread your wings a little.

Your sister, however, is clinging to you, she doesn’t seem to view herself as an individual, and probably doesn’t know how to view herself when you, the other half of the twins aren’t there. It sounds like she’s invested her whole self in being one half of a whole and doesn’t know how to function without you.

She’s also trying to control you, now her other half wants to do their own thing.

You are twins but you aren’t joined at the hip, you are allowed to do your own thing without your twin and your twin needs to learn that she’ll live without you being with her 24/7.” Medium-Fan440

Another User Comments:


You need to decide, right now: who’s responsibility is your sister’s anxiety? Yours, or hers?

If you, wrongly, decide that it’s your responsibility, well, congratulations, you are now at her whim for the rest of her life.

If you, correct, decide that it’s her responsibility, you are now free to spend your time the way you want, and she can manage her own feelings.

Note that there’s no middle ground here; you can’t kinda take responsibility by ‘compromising’ on your autonomy. She feels anxious if you’re not home. Well, that doesn’t sound like fun, so she should come up with some coping strategies and tools to deal with that.

OP, I recommend reading ‘When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.’ You’re being manipulated into doing what she wants, and you’re getting resentful. This book will teach you how to not be manipulated, and you’ll feel freer than you have probably at any time in your life.” Cent1234

Another User Comments:


Your sister is the one who needs to suck up that your lives are diverging in different directions and that you will always be sisters but NOW need to start living separate lives.

Your sister has to realize that she can’t use you as an emotional support animal because you are a human being who has her own choices, decisions, feelings, wants, and dreams.

You have a right to life and offered her a comprise that she refused. She can’t expect and assume that you will give up your life for hers.” SuperHuckleberry125

2 points - Liked by IDontKnow and LadyTauriel

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LizzieTX 1 year ago
NTJ. Your sister isn't entitled to have you babysit her 24/7. Tell her that you're not going to humor her vapors anymore, that she needs to grow up and not expect to be babied.
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10. WIBTJ If I Don't Give My Deceased Father's Partner Anything To Remember Him By?


“My father passed away completely unexpectedly two months ago. He was twice divorced and had three children, one from his first marriage and two from the second.

I’m from the second marriage.

Three years ago he found a new girl. She’s a very kind woman, and he quickly proposed to her. She accepted, but on the condition that he moved out of his old apartment. The apartment has nine rooms, all filled with documents, memorabilia, broken or very used designer furniture, and personal items. He never moved out – he simply couldn’t muster the energy to clean it all up – and so they were never married.

His SO isn’t mentioned in any will, probably because he expected to be married to her soon enough for it not to matter. Legally, she inherits nothing. She’s now asked us to give her two things to remember him by a wristwatch and a silver bowl.

It just so happens that these are the two most valuable items in the entire apartment. Probably around $10,000 each.

We don’t know if he promised them to her or if she’s just scoped them out when visiting him. We do know that he’s already given her gifts worth around $100,000 and that she’s well off financially.

We could all really use some extra money at the moment. Some of us have small children, and one is saving up for a wedding.

WIBTJ for telling her that we’re keeping the items, probably with the intention of selling them.

Edit: The silver bowl really is ugly.

I’m going to try eating cereal out of it and see if it changes anything. I might just keep it for myself if it turns froot loops into ambrosia.

My father’s apartment was rented and can’t be sold. On the contrary, we owe about four months of rent on it which we need to cover somehow.

My father earned a lot, but also spent a lot. The estate is estimated at around $100,000, and 40% of that gets whisked away by taxes. Then we need to cover his remaining bills before the rest is divided between us. With a little luck, we’ll come out on the other side with $20,000 each, but it’s not very likely.

I’ve already poured half of our savings into the funeral, the lawyer, and the estate, and my siblings and I have spent every single weekend since his death digging our way through his apartment. We’re exhausted, emotionally and physically, and we need respite. We need to grieve in peace.

My mother used to co-own the bowl, but as their inventory was divided between them during the divorce she needed to let it go. We’re willing to give it to her, but she’s adamant about paying us.

He never wore the watch. I’ve had a look at similar watches of the same brand, and we’ll probably be able to get between $15-20,000 for it.

That’s roughly a third of the estate at this point. The bowl is looking at $10,000 on a very good day.

My father was on friendly terms with both of his ex-wives, and they were on friendly terms with each other. These two have been standing firm for years.

We need the money to cover our expenses. They’d also help make our lives easier. We would set it all ablaze in a heartbeat if it meant we could have my father back.

We do like his SO and treat her like she’s part of the family.

However, since his death, she hasn’t reached out to us once. She hasn’t helped with any of the preparations or the cleanup. She’s been friendly when we’ve seen her, but that’s it. Sure, she’s grieving, and we let her, but please remember that we’re grieving, too.

We’ve never known a world without him.

I hope that clears a few things up. I’ll keep you guys updated once we decide on anything, and on whether froot loops taste different out of a $10,000 egocentric fruit bowl.”

Another User Comments:


A silver bowl?


I would say that giving her sentimental items is the right thing to do because she was important in his life, but that is like a coat, a hat, pictures, and maybe even the watch because a lot of people have a piece of jewelry that is very much a part of them.

But she has a sentimental attachment to a silver bowl? No, no she does not. Your instinct is right, these are items she knows are valuable, because if she never moved in with him, I can’t imagine she sees that silver bowl and says ‘Of Frank loved that bowl and we used to take it on picnics all the time.’ And that’s why I wouldn’t give her the watch either.

Tell her you can give her a piece of clothing of her choice and any photos she would like of the two of them, or even him, and call it a day.” mfruitfly

Another User Comments:


After being in a relationship for 3 years, surely she already has gifts and memorabilia to remember him by.

The fact that she zeroed in on the 2 most valuable items in your father’s estate is something of a red flag. Maybe your father didn’t move out of his nine-room apartment, or rewrite his will, for other reasons than not getting around to it.

If you are the executor of your father’s estate, just tell her that you’re sorry, but as the executor, you are legally obligated to distribute the assets as written, and cannot handle anything of value to anyone not specifically mentioned in the will.

Other beneficiaries could sue you for handing over $10,000-20,000 worth of assets to someone not named in the will.

Do not commit to anything at all before speaking to an attorney that specializes in wills and estates, but no way would I give her anything of real value, regardless.” SirMittensOfTheHill

Another User Comments:


You’re entitled to keep it all. She’s not on any documents.

Though it might be possible to sus out whether they’re actually mementos or if she’s just trying to fleece you all if you want to bother. Get her to write up why each item is important, what the significance of it is as a memento, and what her plans are for those items.

It might be opening a can of worms to ask for that, though, so consult a lawyer before you do.

But I’d say your gut instinct is right.” shinynewcharrcar

2 points - Liked by IDontKnow and LizzieTX

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Spaldingmonn 1 year ago
The suggestion of clothing or photos, or maybe a cookbook ... these have sentimental value. The never worn watch and ugly silver bowl ... hmmm .... not really sentimental. You and your family sound pretty nice. You'll figure out the right thing to do. The WRONG thing would be to give over these 2 items.
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9. AITJ For Not Wanting To Give My Car To My Sister?


“So I (18F) plan on going to college soon.

My aunt who I’m close with gifted me a car earlier this year on my birthday.

It’s a 2007 Mazda 3.

I love that car with everything and pay what I need to to keep and maintain it. I got a part-time job and plan on continuing to work even in college. And taking the car with me.

Well, my mom insists I give my car to my sister (12F) when she’s old enough to drive, which I find unfair.

My sister said she doesn’t even like my car and I offered to help my mom and my sister pay for my sister’s own car, but I will not be willing to give up my car for her, especially since it was a gift from my aunt.

My mom calls me selfish because I’m not willing to give my sister my car. After all, she thinks once she’s old enough to drive I can buy my own car. But I planned on keeping it until it’s no longer reliable.”

Another User Comments:

“So strange your mum is already calling dibs on your car when your sister is only 12 years old. And calling you selfish for not wanting to be separated from a car that you actually like and take good care of. I don’t think you are selfish OP, but your mum is certainly cheap because by forcing you to save your money to buy yourself a newer car and your sister ending up getting your car for free, your mum spends no money with this deal. She is being very manipulative and you should call her out on it.

You are NTJ. OP, stand your ground.” Su-at-sapo

Another User Comments:

“Nope. NTJ.

Especially if you are paying for maintenance and repairs for it. By the time she’s old enough to drive, you’ve invested a lot of time and money into it. It should be yours to continue to use, or to sell if you want.

If your Mom was paying for insurance, maintenance, repairs, etc and it was in her name – then I can understand. Or if your aunt said it was for both of you or something.

It is an older car. It may be junk in 4 or 5 years when your sister is old enough to drive.

If this car is on its last leg – would your Mom be upset that you don’t want to invest any more money into it to make it drivable for your sister?” OddNastySatisfaction

Another User Comments:


If we’re talking 4 years from now, you might not even want the car by then, or it might break and be ready for the trash heap.

Whose name is on the title? Whoever owns the car. If your aunt has properly transferred the title to you, it’s yours and you can do with it what you want. If it’s technically still in your aunt’s name, your mother would need to convince the aunt to give it to the younger of you, which I’m guessing is not likely to happen.

If push comes to shove (and you have the title) I guess be firm. The best would be to just be vague about it until the time comes. Good luck.” DiedWhileDictating

2 points - Liked by LizzieTX and LadyTauriel

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mima 1 year ago
Ntj your mom should be buying her kid her car or she can buy her own.
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8. AITJ For Telling My Sister-In-Law I Never Liked Her?


“I’m 30, my wife is 34, and her sister Alexa is 19. We got married two years ago but we’ve known each other for a long time.

My wife’s parents live abroad and they have a business there. 11-12 years ago they sent Alexa to the US to live with my wife and get her education. My wife is basically her only parent. She does everything for Alexa.

I’ll be honest. Alexa is a brat who honestly gets on my nerves.

It’s like she exists to make my wife’s life miserable. She’s arrogant, rude, entitled, and nasty. She constantly broke rules and none of her teachers ever liked her. She refused therapy. I’m amazed at the patience and kindness my wife has because the girl was a nightmare.

The second Alexa went to college we got married.

She came home for Thanksgiving (probably skipping classes) and came to me this weekend and ‘confessed her feelings.’ Apparently, I treated her so much better than my wife when she was growing up. I tried to be nice to her just because she was my wife’s sister.

I’d do things like take her out once in a while to give my wife/then-significant other a break. When my wife would try to tutor Alexa and she wouldn’t even do her work and fail half her classes, I told her to let it go.

I lost it and told her I don’t like her, I never liked her, and I was only nice to her because it would make my wife happy. I told her I only put up with her spoiled self to be with my wife and I was annoyed whenever she intruded. Alexa started sobbing and ran out.

I told my wife everything and she said I was right to turn her down but didn’t have to be so harsh. She thanked me for being honest. Her parents are furious. I’ve gotten a bunch of weird text messages from what I suspect are Alexa’s friends.


Edit: I would never do anything because Alexa is literally a kid I’ve seen grow up. It would be disgusting and immoral. I would have shut her down either way but I’m asking if I’m the jerk for revealing how I really feel about that brat.”

Another User Comments:


But I wonder about this kid. She was basically shipped off 10 years ago to live with her sister. It sounds like her sister did most of the parenting and you were more of a friend so did she have a male parental influence?

She’s definitely got some stuff she needs to work out in therapy. As for the romantic feelings. She sounds immature. She’s 19, probably 16 or 17 in real age from the sounds of it. Thinks she’s living in a rom-com. It doesn’t work that way, honey.

I think you could have handled it a little better, and been clear and concise without hurting her feelings.

But I don’t think you’re a jerk, that’s probably the LAST thing you expected. I think she sees you as the only positive male influence maybe? And she’s confused about romantic love instead of family love? I’m not sure what her relationship with her dad is but that’d be my sorta kinda guess… something more is going on there though.” CandyTX

Another User Comments:


The only thing I would have done differently that OP didn’t do would have hit video record so it recorded at least the discussion.

Alexa is certainly a piece of work. Was her thought that OP would leap at the chance to dump her sister to take up with a 19-year-old who apparently had no problem with ruining her sister’s life?

And I wonder if Alexa wasn’t recording the whole thing thinking how playing it for her sister would destroy her and instead she was the one shocked to find out she wasn’t the irresistible prize she assumed she was.

OP does need to discuss with his wife that Alexa needs to go stay with her parents anytime there is a school break and the parents need to pay to get her there and back to school.

And if the parents won’t do that they need to find a place for Alexa to live and pay for it because as noted by other posters wouldn’t put it past Alexa to orchestrate an incident and it will her word against OP’s so she can no longer be allowed to live at OP’s house.” 3Heathens_Mom

Another User Comments:


OP, please ensure your wife is on board with putting up boundaries with her sister. Both may need therapy – SIL for trying to break up a marriage and your wife for telling you that you went too far because she is the little sister.

As if you needed to let her down super gently or something and brush this under the rug.

This IS disturbing that your SIL is trying to break up a marriage and confessed her feelings for you after you helped raise her. Your wife may think it’s okay to let it go and that your SIL is young, but this isn’t something that is just going to ‘go away’ necessarily right away if we don’t talk about it and keep hanging out like normal.

Distance is in order and you definitely shouldn’t be alone with her and she shouldn’t hang out in the house. Your wife can visit her elsewhere. This is a hill to die on because this is a lot of drama and your reputation is not at stake at this precise moment, but it could be.” Mandaloriana_2022

2 points - Liked by IDontKnow, LadyTauriel and Realitycheck68

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rbleah 1 year ago
I don't think you were too harsh. I think she is a spoiled brat and thought she could have whatever she wanted and if you took her up on it she would have dumped you the minute she found another interesting toy. SHE NEEDS TO GO. She may not have gotten the message if you were nicer. YOU ARE NOT THE JERK.
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7. AITJ For Telling My Niece Her Mom Never Wanted Children?


“My sister (26F) and I (28F) are polar opposites when it comes to children, I love them and have always wanted them (mine are 6, 2, and one on the way!) but even as a child, my sister didn’t want them.

My niece (9) was conceived in what I can only describe as unfortunate circumstances, my family is pro-life… depression hit my sister hard after giving birth, but I can safely say she absolutely adores her daughter.

I myself am not pro-life, I’m pro-choice.

I’d been babysitting for my sister when my niece told me she didn’t want a baby and I offhandedly said ‘just like your mother’.

Now the way I meant it was her mother didn’t either, but niece didn’t take it that way and I couldn’t comfort or explain it before my sister shows up, my sister thinks I’m 100% the jerk but the way I see it is she knew how I meant it (I explained) and she could’ve told niece that it meant she also, at the same age, didn’t want children.

I did try to backtrack by explaining to my niece I hadn’t meant it that way, that I’d meant when her mother was that age (although she will eventfully find out) I do believe that had my sister gone along with this story my niece would’ve forgotten or at least moved on

I would’ve told my niece ‘but then your mother changed her mind’ but honestly, I didn’t want to make things worse by trying to convince her that everyone should have children…

She’s upset, niece is over it but AITJ?

Edit: I do not believe wanting children makes anyone more, and I do not believe not wanting them makes you less.

I am pro-choice, not pro-life… it was a terrible comment, that I did not intend to be terrible, it’s like when my sister said my eldest was just like her dad knowing full well throughout my pregnancy he was toxic by calling me a flirt, etc… people make comments, you can judge me on that because that was my question hypothetical assumptions about my political stance, etc.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Your sister wasn’t present so really you’re asking if you’re at fault for saying it, or if your niece was wrong for being upset.

She’s a child and you’re the adult, you should have some sense to control what you’re saying.

In particular, being so casual to make an offhand comment about something that so seriously affected your sister. What you said about the pregnancy means you should be a lot more mindful of around both your niece and sister.

Your niece is 9 and you said something horrible to her but thought your sister should’ve explained away your error.

Yes, she will have to, because of your lack of care. Put your hands up and say sorry, YTJ.” AgentSupes

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Yes. A thousand times yes. Any thinking person would know beyond doubt that this was a terrible, terrible thing to say to any child.

And frankly, your excuse of speaking offhandedly is lame, and as a mother, you know that you always have to think before you speak when you’re talking to a child.

I’ll be straight with you OP, your story comes across as you feeling like you are somehow a better mother because you have always wanted children, while your sister is somehow inferior for not having wanted children when she herself was a child.

And yet, your sister loves her daughter even by your own admission.

Was it necessary for you to have to tell us that the circumstances of your niece’s conception were unfortunate? Or that your sister fell into post-partum depression after your niece was born? I am a woman who wanted children for as long as I can remember, but I was hit hard with postpartum depression after each of my children was born.

So I can say without reservation that the issue of post-partum depression has absolutely no connection with how much a mother wants or love a child.

It feels to me as though you were just waiting for a moment to say this nasty thing to your niece, whether consciously or subconsciously, and you finally got your moment.

I don’t know how you can sleep at night. Imagine if your sister ever said something equally as horrible to any of your children. You should be ashamed. And you also need to look in the mirror and ask yourself honestly if what I have guessed about you is correct.

I hope not. But sadly, I don’t think that I’m wrong.” sunrise_library

Another User Comments:


As you said, your niece was conceived under ‘unfortunate circumstances’ which meant that in your family your sister had one of a few choices. She could terminate the pregnancy, and possibly be disowned at 17; She could put your child up for adoption and be shamed by the family again as well as deal with the possible depression and self-hatred that follows that; She could have the child and make peace with the choice.

Your sister chose to make peace, but on the balance of averages, she probably would have liked to feel like she had more of a choice.

More than anything else a nine-year-old is going to hear, ‘you weren’t wanted,’ first and foremost from what you said.

She didn’t hear some unnecessary similarity that people toss out to undermine a life choice, she heard ‘unwanted.’ You screwed up, and it all came about because you have an idealized perspective on how your sister dealt with the situation.” MundanePlanet

1 points - Liked by Kali and LadyTauriel

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chucklinchicka 1 year ago
If the niece heard 'unwanted' then take steps to address that. But it sounds like sis is projecting her baggage. Maybe not the greatest offhand comment but that is just how life works and it sounds like you went to good lengths to make sure it was interpreted right. I think that's all we can ask of ourselves at the end of the day
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6. AITJ For Asking My Mother-In-Law To Write A Promissory Note For Me?


“We’re both in our early 30’s, careers just starting to kick off. My MIL is extremely dependent on her son (my husband, she literally will scan every mail document and make my husband translate it).

My MIL has no concept of the law here, does not know how to pay bills, and doesn’t speak English.

Anyways, she (a prior widow) recently got divorced (2-year marriage) from her second husband. She decided to ‘sue’ her ex-husband to teach him a lesson in the divorce settlement.

We all told her to please not do it. Me, my husband, my mother (who is her friend), etc. She decided she can handle this, hired some lawyer from the Chinese newspaper, and it was a disaster. Nothing was listed correctly, a bunch of pre-martial assets was counted as a marital asset, and a bunch of marital assets were counted as her ex-husband’s pre-martial assets.

Anyways. She really screwed up, her lawyer also screwed up. She had no idea to even review the documents despite she specifically found a Chinese-speaking lawyer. So instead of getting her ex-husband to pay her, she now owes her ex-husband 70k. She didn’t tell us until near the end, no one had a chance to review the documents.

She does not have that much cash and is asking me to lend her 50k. I asked for a promissory note prior to doing so.

Here is why she and my husband thinks I’m a jerk (and maybe I am). Back in our mid 20’s, we were looking at buying a townhome.

She lent us 185k in cash so we didn’t need to take on a mortgage. At the time, I suggested we make a promissory note for that – they declined it (mostly because it’s too much work for them and they got lazy, and ‘no need to keep a tab on family’).

I was also unhappy about this entire event as well for multiple reasons (it’s also hard for me to just cash out 50k, it would almost deplete my entire emergency savings). They thought I was a jerk to not return the generosity and trust my MIL bestowed on me.

Am I a jerk for not just giving her 50k without any hesitation, promissory notes, or any documentation of this? (I also KNOW that IRS will likely audit me in the next 3 years, my income is about to quadruple).

Quick edit: She tried to pull a fast one on her ex.

Her ex gave her 30k to help buy a house in China. She transferred the house to be under HER mother’s name (my husband’s grandmother), then claimed in court that 30k was a gift to his MIL and therefore cannot get it back.

despite it being a property purchased during the marriage. So if something happened, I don’t want it suddenly to be ‘You owe me 185k, you just gifted me 50k, so you still owe me the full amount’.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. This is getting an attorney territory.

Paying your MIL back the money isn’t the issue, but her poorly attempted defrauding of her ex-husband and your likelihood of being audited by the IRS in the near future is. I’m not sure if it would be better or worse to give her a check with ‘$50K repayment on $185K loan’ because wouldn’t that also be a marital asset your MIL would’ve had to have listed?

And we know she hasn’t done that. I would seriously talk to an attorney about covering yourself and your husband’s butts – cause who knows what will happen if y’all divorce, or if no paperwork is signed and someone reneges on what the payment was for, and then y’all have to spend thousands on attorneys just to get it worked out after the fact.” Nietzsche-Is-Peachy8

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

Though it was EXTREMELY generous for MIL to loan you money, doing so without any documentation or details of repayment is incredibly lazy and bad. That is on BOTH parties because if I am taking a dime from someone, to cover MY BUTT I am demanding it is documented. And it is clear this should be done if someone is loaning money out.

For you, what was your plan to repay? You say your income is about to increase. It has been a while, have you repaid anything to your MIL? I get wanting a safety net. I like to have a cushion that is above what most people would bother with, but if you aren’t going to pay her back SOME of that money from your 50k l, then think you are the jerk.

However, if you intend to give her some money (and not just a grand or two), then no you are not the jerk for wanting documentation.

If I were you, I would discuss repayment with her. Your MIL (based on your POV) is sneaky and if you get on her bad side you could find yourself in court.

That is why when it comes to money there MUST be clear expectations and understanding. Anything short of that is a recipe for disaster.” Far_Concentrate2826

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It should have been in writing from the beginning. You borrowed $185k to be repaid upon the sale of the said house – which is soon.

However, MIL wants $50k now but wants it as a loan and not partial repayment. Given MIL’s response to her ex I’d want it in writing too, plus a postnup with your husband before your raise so his mother can’t ‘encourage’ him to take you to court if you divorce in the future.

As you believe you will be audited in the next few years you should probably talk to a lawyer before you do anything.” Fozzie-Bear2014

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. Never do business with someone who lies and is unfaithful. Never marry someone who enables someone who lies and is unfaithful.

You enmeshed yourself in a bad and probably illegal situation (her hiding assets) and not surprisingly are being asked to participate in a way that exposes you financially. Move now and pay her back in full. Document it on your end (ex. wire transfer with a comment on loan repayment in full).

It’s easy to say don’t do this again but you can’t prevent it because your husband will do whatever his mother says. The 50k is the least of your issues.” copper_rabbit

1 points - Liked by LizzieTX

5. AITJ For Stopping Cooking Meat For My Husband?


“I’m 29 my husband is 34. We have a 5-month-old daughter. I have decided I want to become a veggie mainly for environmental reasons. I’ve been considering doing this for some time as I think meat production has a hugely negative effect. Having our daughter has made me a bit more eco-conscious as I am afraid of the world she’ll live in in the future.

I’ve been trying to reduce the meat in my diet for some time.

My husband doesn’t want to do this and complains every time I cook a meatless meal. I am a stay-at-home mom and cook almost all of our meals. I’ve told him I don’t want to cook meat anymore and that if he wants to eat meat then he can cook it himself and that he is lucky I am cooking for him every day whatever I cook.

However, he says that I should also at least cook meat and add this to the meal for him. He says I can’t force him to change his diet and eat less meat but I say that I’m not as he can still cook himself meat.

He says it is unfair on him to force this major lifestyle change on him. And he thinks I am being hypocritical and petty not cooking meat anymore when I’ve eaten it all my life. He thinks it is silly for me not cooking meat for him if he is going to do it later, as I am just saving him from cooking meat and the amount of meat cooked will be the same so he thinks the only result in this is me not doing something nice for him.

But I think doing that would be a massive inconvenience for me and also it defeats the purpose of me becoming a veggie in the first place.

I do kinda understand his point of view. He also is unhappy that I plan to cook veggie meals for our daughter and thinks it is unfair to force her into being a vegetarian but again I don’t think I am as I don’t plan on stopping her from eating meat in school etc. Just wondering what y’all think about this?”

Another User Comments:


You’re in a marriage, not a job agreement. As a wife, you have every right to change your mind and be your own person. You seem to have explained yourself and have given him plenty of space to make his own choices.

You are still doing the labor you agreed to by cooking. Plus his complaint isn’t that he doesn’t like the food you’re cooking now. He just thinks it’s ‘not fair’. He wants meat. You are not telling him not to eat or cook meat (if you were you’d be the jerk).

It’s not going to kill him and he won’t starve if he cooks his own meat a couple of times a week when he’s not working. And I say this as a guy who loves eating meat.

As for your daughter, you are still not saying she shouldn’t eat meat, you just won’t cook it.

If he disagrees, he can put a burger on the grill for her too when she’s old enough.

Marriage is full of these kinds of things and people change. We have to try and understand our spouse and come to a compromise which you are trying to do.

Also, do you ever get days off like he does from his job? Because if this is just about labor, you’d have your days off too.” Bigjoeyjoe81

Another User Comments:

“YTJ because you and your husband have decided on a division of labor which includes your staying home and performing the normal acts of a stay-at-home spouse – regardless of gender.

And typically this includes shopping for groceries and preparing the evening meal.

A reasonable compromise would be for you to prepare meat-based protein that is easy to prepare in a single serving – i.e a piece of fish; chicken cutlet; steak, or lamb chops.

Or even prepare a larger amount of animal protein type of food that is easy to freeze and heat up in an individual portions like a stew, braised meat, pot roast, meatballs, etc.

You don’t have to do this for every meal as many people who aren’t complete vegetarians will eat plant-based meals.

You aren’t a vegan so there are many cheese-based foods like lasagna and ziti and many Mexican recipes are cheese with the protein source being beans and corn. There are many delicious ways to prepare tofu that would satisfy a meat eater – all kinds of recipes if you start getting imaginative.” Jujulabee

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You agreed to do the cooking and you are. He doesn’t get to dictate exactly what you cook. You’re not a robot. I hate to drag the law into this, but even if this is a contract, and you broke the contract, the remedy is never specific performance – the law recognizes you can’t force someone to do something they physically don’t want to do.

The same general consideration for your rights as a human being applies here. You don’t want to do it, and no one should force you to do something physically don’t want to do. And you haven’t stopped cooking for him, you’ve just stopped cooking certain things.

And if he wants his daughter to eat meat, or he wants to eat it himself, he can certainly go ahead and do that. I know some vegetarians who have banned all meat cooking in their physical presence. You’re being very reasonable.” Cultural_Job6476

0 points (0 votes)

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mima 1 year ago
1 Reply

4. AITJ For Telling My Daughter To Stop Throwing Tantrums?


“I (47) grew up in a tight-knit household, as a result, I’m still very close to my family. My sister L (43) is going through a pretty rough divorce. This is obviously affecting her daughter D (17) too, so all of us have been trying to cheer them up a bit and provide support.

My daughter K’s (20) and D’s birthdays are a day apart, different years.

I and L organized a birthday party (and it also helped take L’s mind off everything for a bit), and our other siblings helped out as well. D loves sushi. We got food from a local restaurant, sushi, tempura, yakitori, and udon.

The issue arose after K started complaining about the food and how she wanted a burrito. Now, K doesn’t dislike Japanese cuisine, and she’ll eat it. K went off at me, saying she’ll order delivery and eat by herself. I said that looks extremely bad when there’s so much food already here and she’ll be eating alone.

She was acting very grouchy, so I told her she needs to stop throwing a tantrum like a little kid.

K got very upset, I messaged/called her a few times but she didn’t pick up and only sent one-word replies. My husband thinks she’s overreacting and will cool off soon, but my younger daughter thinks I’m in the wrong.

Clearly, K is mad, so AITJ?”

Another User Comments:


You tried to attach your daughter’s birthday to what was clearly a party for your niece. If one person chooses the food, the decorations, and other things and the other has no say then it isn’t a joint party.

Your mistake was halfheartedly combining the two birthdays when it clearly was a time for separate celebrations.

It sounds like to make the best of things your daughter was going to use her own money to get what she wanted to eat during her birthday party.

Instead of berating her for wanting a burrito you should have not only encouraged her but paid for her meal so she would have something she wanted at ‘her’ celebration.” EmpressJainaSolo

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Neither of their birthdays was milestone birthdays. If you thought that L and D needed cheering up and that D’s birthday was a good excuse as a distraction, it would have been perfectly appropriate to host it.

It’s even fine to treat D, a teenager and a minor, differently from K, an adult.

What is NOT fine is throwing a party for D and pretending that the party is also for K. It wasn’t. You didn’t consider K at all.

The second cake was your flimsy attempt to pass off a celebration for D as being inclusive of K. It wasn’t. K wasn’t the focus of this celebration: L and D were.

And that would have been fine if you were honest about it.

You weren’t.

You owe an apology to K.” glimpseeowyn

Another User Comments:

“So while it’s nice you are there for your sister and niece. Your niece is now an adult. And this is your daughter’s last birthday as a ‘child’.

So you not only took her last childhood birthday away from her to combine it with your adult niece.

You completely catered to your adult niece’s tastes, ignoring your own daughter almost completely.

Then you wonder why she is upset. And double and triple down by calling her names and going off on her. As if erasing her birthday alone isn’t bad enough.

Then you come here to ask if YTJ, thinking you are in the right.

YTJ. Too many people completely ignore their own kids to help out others. And then wonder why they are upset. While it’s nice to help others. It’s not right to do it at the expense of others and then go off because they aren’t on board.

How would you like it if your daughter’s friend’s parents were going through financial difficulty? And your daughter says, ‘no sweat I’ll pay your rent this month’ then just takes your money to give to them. Kind of similar because your daughter is just doing something nice to someone in need, at your expense.

And if you complain she says ‘they need it more and I was trying to help. Why are you throwing a tantrum over it? They need it more anyway’.” Sparky_Zell

0 points - Liked by LizzieTX

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LizzieTX 1 year ago
YTJ. Why on earth should your daughter sacrifice HER birthday to make your sister's kid feel better? It makes no sense. And what possessed you to suggest such a thing?
Shame on you.
2 Reply

3. AITJ For Sending My Daughter To Boarding School Again?


“I (38f) sent my daughter (17f) back to boarding school.

Two years ago, she was the most perfect daughter with amazing grades and spent her time being productive.

A year ago, she met a crew of people in town who have taken quite a toll on her mentally. She completely changed, became more aggressive, started changing her style, swears now, and has gotten in trouble with the police at times for misdemeanors.

Mid-way through this last curriculum year, I transferred her to a boarding school 25 miles away as I tried to take her to therapy which she kept on missing, I grounded her (she only sneaked out) and I also took her to rehab as I thought this may be a substance problem.

I am sure the crew she hangs out with now do all kinds of uncanny things, they are all older as well (18-22).

My daughter informed me that she hated me for sending her to boarding school jan 22’ to June 22’. She has told me that she wants to stay here so she could hang out with them and that what I am doing just makes her want to behavior bad even more.

I and her father have tried to take her out, took her on holidays, tried a psychiatrist, and let her do as she pleases. None of these worked.

The time I came to my decision of sending her back to this boarding school was when I was woken up by the police in the middle of the night, back at the end of October.

Clarifying that she had attempted to run away from the police after her friends were caught with illegal substances. They searched her and she didn’t have anything on her. She was detained for the night and let go by morning time. Some of her friends who had the possession of the stuff were questioned and convicted of misdemeanors that their parents bailed out.

I and my husband lectured her and told her that we are sending her to boarding school again. She cried profusely and caused a tantrum. Claiming that we were ‘ruining her life’.

We took her to the boarding school over a week ago.

AITJ for doing this again?”

Another User Comments:

“Because I doubt your daughter is going to Woldingham or the like, YTJ. The schools that are accepting your daughter are garbages. I don’t care for Paris Hilton, but watch her documentary to see how awful those places are. Since you seem to have done a terrible job raising her so far, I guess just let it roll until she’s 18 when she can cut contact with you.

Obviously, you don’t want to live in an unsafe environment but I don’t see you noting any violent or destructive behavior. If you send her to that boarding school, she will come back worse than when you sent her — which you probably already noticed. Getting mistreated and knowing your parents did that to you is how you end up with really dangerous, screwed-up kids.” Interesting_Taro_583

Another User Comments:


You sound like a very responsible parent trying your best to get your daughter back on a good path. Don’t beat yourself up. She is just throwing a verbal tantrum and trying to manipulate you in any way that she can.

Don’t let her get any traction on you! Hang in there! The hormones during the teenage years are powerful and trigger all kinds of difficulties like these, and she doesn’t yet have the brain development to understand the consequences of her bad choices. Be firm, STAND firm, and always remind her you are her parent, not her peer, that you love her… that you want the very best life for her.

When she is an adult, she will have a much different perspective than she has now. She might even thank you for your intervention in her life (as my own strong-willed daughter did).” OneHorseLover

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. It is highly problematic that you refer to your child as ‘the most perfect daughter’ when she had ‘amazing’ grades and was ‘productive’.

This suggests to me that you place very high expectations on your daughter and a lot of pressure on her to conform to your standards. This type of child is the most prone to bad influences from her friends in her teenage and young adult years, precisely because you have given her a lot to rebel against. Your initial reaction, putting her in therapy, is equally problematic.

Your daughter rebelling is normal teenage behavior and an important part of forging her own identity. This is a developmental step that she can’t miss without long-term adverse effects on her psyche.

You mention illegal substances but don’t actually explain either what type of substance, or whether your daughter has herself used or simply has friends who do.

What is your evidence that rehab was an appropriate, measured response to your daughter’s current situation? You have given so little information, yet the information you have given paints the picture of a demanding and controlling mother rather than a delinquent teenager.

I’m older than you, to clarify, lest you think this is an immature teenager making this comment.

Your daughter is on her way to being an adult soon. Think long and hard if the carrot or the stick is likely to yield results. You seem to have tried more of the latter. How about trying the former? Finally, here is a question for you; does your daughter reflect on you, and if so, how?” Electrical_Turn7

-1 points (1 vote(s))

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LizzieTX 1 year ago
YTJ. Has it ever occurred to you that something traumatic happened to your daughter to effect her changing from a good student and generally well rounded child to an out of control delinquent? Do you know that such a behavioral/personality change is STRONGLY indicative of sexual jerk? Did you ever ASK HER what's going on in her life, that changed her so much? I'd bet good money that you haven't. You thought it would be okay to just dump her out of sight and let her be someone else's problem rather than actually try to help her. You're a terrible parent and sound like a raving narcissist. As long as your daughter wasn't a problem and fit into your perfect life, all was well. But the minute she didn't fit your notion of perfection, you ditched her.
Shame on you. I'm praying that she gets the help she needs despite you.
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2. AITJ For Not Watching My Roommate's Kid?


“My roommate (26f) recently had a song. I (25m) have no experience with children at all. I’ve only seen a baby in passing. My roommate’s child is literally the first child I’ve ever held and I didn’t know how to do that. He felt too small and I thought one move would crush him.

Nobody in my family had babies growing up. I’m the youngest in my family and my siblings and cousins either haven’t had kids or live very far away now. Other than my roommate none of my friends have kids so I have no experience at all.

I’ve never been in a room with a baby longer than like 5 minutes before this.

I met my roommate in college and we became good friends and we both make decent money. So we rent a house together. She is a single mother and I’m more than okay doing anything that isn’t related to caring for the baby.

I don’t dislike the baby I just don’t feel comfortable. I’ve done late-night store runs. She has her own clients and is somewhat self-employed so there wasn’t maternity leave for her. So for a while, I took on all the bills, food, and baby stuff.

She said she’d pay me back but I don’t want her to.

While she was pregnant and she’d talk about baby stuff she would be shocked that I literally know nothing. I can’t even bring up examples because I don’t know anything. She’d say something related to fake breast milk or something and I’d say ‘what’s that?’ When talking about it before the kid was born she’d get upset because I know nothing about children.

I don’t know what children do or what is healthy for a child or what is bad for a kid.

Recently the baby was crawling around the hall unattended. I casually walked over to her room and said he was crawling around and she ran out and the kid was already by the stairs like he was trying to die.

She got upset with me for not picking him up or at least blocking him from walking toward the stairs. I just said he wasn’t near the stairs when I saw him. She thought the kid was in her room. When I told this to other people they said I was being dumb but I just have no ‘baby’ instincts.

I didn’t see the kid crawling in the vicinity of the stairs and thought something bad would happen. My mind just doesn’t jump to these things. Obviously now I would block the baby from walking to the stairs. She’s my good friend so she isn’t upset but she’s shaken up.

Some friends and coworkers think I am a jerk for seeing a baby crawling unattended and just walking away.”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. She needs to babyproof. She’s not mad at you, so it’s good that there’s no expectation. At the same time, however, even though you don’t have any obligation to look after the kid, some aspects will become your responsibility by default: for example, you’ll likely feel compelled to intervene in unsafe situations, then increasingly mundane activities (yeah, I can drop him off this once, I can pick that up, watch him for an hour, etc.).

You’ve also already taken on some of the kid’s financial burden. You should stop living with your friend.” amillinificent

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but close.

You knew enough to warn her the kid was by the stairs so you knew it was a danger. You are clearly not a baby person so you need to be clear to your roommate that you will be as supportive as possible but you draw the line at being responsible for the child.

If you want to really drive it home, write up a contract stating you are in no way responsible or should ever be left to watch a child.

Some people just aren’t baby people. I never understood why they force them on you.

‘oh you don’t like kids, here hold my baby, everyone likes holding my baby’ and other nonsense.

I hate babies, I refused to hold anyone’s baby. It was a no-win situation, I don’t want to hold it and if anything happened I’m the monster who doesn’t like babies so I hurt the kid. So it was a hard NO on holding a baby… then I had my own and my mind changed but you need to be respected, you stated you don’t want to watch the kid so make her honor that.” zombiestig1

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. You live in the house with this baby. You’re somewhat responsible for basic stuff like neglect, mistreatment, and preventable injuries. If you saw the kid heading towards an outlet with a fork, would you just let the roommate know and not intervene?

Sure, the place needs to be baby proofed now that the baby is mobile, but you can’t keep playing the ignorance card.

Just like I’d hope anyone would step in if they saw a pet eating something poisonous (even if it’s not their pet) is the same way I’d expect another adult to do the bare minimum to keep a baby safe.

Learn the basics about babies! Do basic Google searches. Open a singular book! Being ignorant isn’t a personality quirk. You just look like you don’t care at all.” D_Nicole91

Another User Comments:

“I get you haven’t been around kids or babies, however, there is a common sense approach if you see a baby crawling around and you know there are stairs nearby then Need to stop and pick them up and call mum as well.

Your roommate has some responsibility here as she is aware her child is starting to crawl and explore, then child gates need to be in, either in the child’s room or on the stairs.

She is NTJ. This could and likely does happen to parents at some point as kids can get in all sorts of places given enough time.

This is just a learning curve for you. So not really NTJ, as there was no intent here. May be worth speaking to roommate about what limits she has for baby and ensure you are comfortable with interaction with the child and ensuring safety.” Possible_Laugh_9139

-1 points (1 vote(s))

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LizzieTX 1 year ago
NTJ no matter what some geniuses on this thread say.
First: you are NOT responsible for that child in any way, shape or form. That's his mother's job, and it sounds like she sucks at it. Not your circus, not your monkey, not your problem.
Second: get out of that living situation as fast as you can. It's pretty clear that, despite all your protestations about having no experience with babies, that one's mother is and has been counting on your help with this child. You already helped with necessities after friend delivered, and now she's expecting that to continue to child care.
Please, for your own safety and protection, get out NOW. Because just as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, kid's mom will blame YOU if she's neglectful and that child is injured or gods forbid, killed. I can hear her now; "Well, OP said she'd help me out and help take care iof him, so it's her fault." Believe me, irresponsible people really do suck that badly, and your "friend" has already demonstrated that she's irresponsible.
Good luck!
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1. AITJ For Telling My Sister To Just Adopt A Baby?


“I and my twin sister (F36) have both fertility problems and have been unable to conceive. Well, I only tried once, and then gave up on the idea, that was many years ago, had been divorced, married again, and I had plenty of chances to pregnant by accident, and never happened. My life is well and nice as it is now.

My sister on the other hand, has been obsessed with being a mom ever since she got married at 20 years old, and never gave up, she already tried every possible way to get pregnant known to science, then got pregnant, then had a miscarriage, and tried again, then some years passed, then got pregnant again, then miscarried again, then she tried again, and nothing.

This roller coaster already cost her 2 marriages, and countless other possible partners to run away.

This weekend, we were visiting my mom, and we started talking about one of our cousin’s new baby, sis started ranting and getting emotional about how easy it is for some people to get pregnant (that baby was an accident, but it is very loved).

I was just trying to enjoy some food, but her emotional ranting was freaking me out, then I told her that if she wants a baby so much, why doesn’t she just go and adopt one? Could have done that a long ago.

My sister got quiet, then started crying, and went straight to the bathroom, she was screaming and mumbling unintelligible things inside, and gave no signs to leave anytime soon, then I went to the door.

My mom stopped me and told me to go and apologize, I asked Why? What is wrong with adopting? My mom told me to stop being ridiculous, and that suggesting adoption is insulting to a woman.

I just left, and neither of them has talked to me ever since that day.

My husband said that I was being insensitive, but also said that my sis is not mentally well, and I should just ignore her.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I don’t know why people are so angry at you for suggesting your sister look into adoption.

If she’s that desperate to become a mother, it shouldn’t matter to her if the child is biologically hers or not. I personally don’t think she’s in a healthy enough mindset to adopt so I would advise against it, but if she gets therapy and stabilizes then I don’t get why it’s insulting to suggest adoption.

I actually think it’s insulting that your mom thinks it’s insulting to suggest adoption.

There’s nothing wrong or shameful about adoption, so why would it be insulting or insensitive? Your sister needs to face reality at some point and start putting aside money – either for a surrogate or for adoption-because she’s clearly not going to have biological children.

It’s a very sad situation, but there’s nothing wrong with suggesting adoption after sixteen years of failed pregnancies and two broken marriages.” Celestialstardust17

Another User Comments:


There’s a common misconception that infertility is not the disease that it is, and that people should just get over it.

Those kids that you want your sister to ‘just adopt’ are someone else’s children who may be under different circumstances and could be with their birth families but because people think that people ‘just adopt’, those kids are put through incredible trauma to be someone’s ‘just’ baby.

Infertility is much bigger than babies, and it’s not a replacement child for biological children. Kids aren’t things to be bought (don’t ‘adopt from foster care’ me) — they’re people. And even if you want to ‘just adopt’, that doesn’t guarantee you a child.

Just because you’ve processed your infertility doesn’t mean she has to have done it as quickly as you.

I’m going through it too, and working through it in therapy — I hope your sister can grieve too. I don’t think that I’ll ever stop grieving it though.” Alternative-Rub-7445

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You’re both infertile, so it’s not like you don’t understand to some degree what she’s going through. It can be exhausting talking about and watching someone go through the same thing over and over again. Your comment wasn’t wrong or inappropriate.

If being a mother is what she wanted, she could adopt. However, your husband’s right. Your sister’s obviously mentally ill. It’s almost like she’s obsessed with the idea of pregnancy and birthing her own child rather than being a mother, which is likely why your adoption comment was ‘hurtful.’

Also, your mother’s a jerk. Who tells their infertile daughter that ‘suggesting adoption is insulting to women’? That’s probably part of why your sister keeps imploding her life in an attempt to have a baby.” FaithlessnessTime701

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Adoption isn’t some kind of one-to-one replacement for a bio kid.

Treating it like that is disrespectful to the person you’re suggesting it to, the child you’re referring to, and their birth mother. Babies don’t spring out of nowhere. There’s going to be an entire set of connections that led to this child being born and the tragedy of having to give them up to be raised by another family.

Ignoring that is just treating this kid like a commodity to plug a hole in a family. Treating the birth mom like a rent-a-womb. Super unhealthy.

She was venting her pain, not asking for advice. If you can’t handle it, remove yourself from the situation.

Don’t throw out some kind of platitude to get her to shut up.” alizarincrimson

-2 points (2 vote(s))

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LizzieTX 1 year ago
NTJ. Both your mother and your sister are refusing to face reality, that some women simply are not physically capable of bearing children. Not your problem, not your circus, not your monkeys. You have dealt with your condition and moved on, but neither your sister nor your mother have. That's on them, and nothing to do with you. They either will or they won't, and that's also not on you. You offered the perfectly reasonable option of adoption and they reacted inappropriately.
Go no contact with both, until they accept your sister's condition and reality. There's no point making yourself miserable trying to help those not ready to help themselves.
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