People Wonder "Am I The Jerk" In These Controversial Situations

"I (m32) have two older brothers (m38 and m40) and a sister (f34). Note the age differences. Our dad passed away 5 years ago in our hometown (a more suburban town in Wisconsin).

Our family was relatively modest when my brothers grew up, so they were cared for a lot by my parents' families who are very conservative.

My dad, personally, was not. By the time me and my sister were born, our dad’s career was doing great and we were well off. Me and my sister have a Master’s while our brothers didn’t go to college despite the funds and chances.

My mom had been trying to set my sister up with a churchgoer’s kid. This didn’t progress until around the time my dad died, and my sister came back and helped with the funeral. My brother’s families are both in town as well.

I worked in tech in China then and live in SF now and since the funeral has been mostly LC with everyone except my sister. Honestly, I was very close with my dad, and there was obvious favoritism towards me which the others didn’t like. So, my mom and oldest brother now technically live in my house.

My sister somehow ended up leaving her career and moving back. She married the man my mom set her up with in 2019. I honestly was in shock at the wedding.

I really didn’t ever see my sister living on a farm and becoming a stay-at-home mom. I knew for a fact my mom and brothers had a huge part in this because there were a lot of “she’s back home” posts. Later I found out that she had pretty much given all her savings to her husband.

Late 2020, my sister, straight out of the blue started calling me and just “chatting” about things. I, of course, love this. Early in 2021, my mom told me she was pregnant.

I immediately asked my sister about this, and she kinda broke down. In short, the husband has been abusive, she’s broke, and my family and her in-laws haven’t helped. My oldest brother wailed at her about how his wife went through the same thing, and my sister should stop thinking she’s special. The first time she called me, he had kicked her out of their home for complaining about their finances. This was fairly common.

This is where I think I was the jerk: I basically yelled at her too. I told her that she had a career which she can still go back to, and I can help her move back to NYC (where she worked/studied before).

And that the pregnancy wasn’t the end of it, and there were other options.

The next day, she asked me for 5k, which I sent to her without asking. I didn’t hear much after and didn’t intrude because it was a total mind twist. A month later, my sister told me she had gotten a new job in NYC and filed for divorce.

The pregnancy is also no longer on the table.

Now my family has been blowing up my social media calling me all sorts of names. I’ve in general called them crap back as well, and the home might be on the market soon.

My sister needed to switch apartments and got a restraining order against her ex, and well… things aren’t great, but I’m happy my sister is better. So, AITJ?"

Another User Comments:

"Oh my goodness, NTJ! You saved your sister's life, and I'm so sorry that you have to deal with a family like that!

Listen, I'm sorry to say this, but you have to distance yourself away from your mother and brothers. Go full no contact. They obviously don't care about the well-being of their own, and your brother is possibly being harmful towards his wife in some way, just to guess.

They will probably try to harass your sister. Guilt her, blame her, make her feel like she is the epitome of the worst thing because she didn't go and fit into their old fashioned views of a woman getting married, having babies, and being the picture of a domestic housewife who lets the men make all of the decisions, while she sits back in the background and looks pretty." LadyAnput

Another User Comments:

"NTJ. In fact, you and the sister are the only non-jerks here.

You did what FAMILY does- you gave your sister good advice, encouraged her to find the best situation for herself, and helped her get back on her feet in a time of need. If you 'yelled' at her, it was just giving her a push in the right direction, because that's obviously what happened.

Your parents and siblings and her husband did not act like family, so I won't call them that. Your relatives treated her like crap. Your mom, brothers, BIL, and everybody else is not treating her like family. Screw them.

And you are not 'responsible' for what she did.

She's a grown woman; she made her own choices. You just reminded her that those choices exist and that she's capable of making them. If others don't approve of her choices, that's not your problem.

Furthermore, it seems that she's much happier now, and everybody else is/was pushing her back to a situation where she was UNhappy.

So no, you're not the jerk for telling your sister to leave her broke, abusive man and resume her lucrative career." SirEDCaLot