People Are Convinced We Can Help Them Solve Their “Am I The Jerk?” Dilemmas
20. AITJ For Telling My Grandmother That My Fiancé's Family Is The Only One I Need?
“I (34F) have been estranged from my mother Rachel for over 2 years.
She was a horrible mother growing up and encouraged the fights between my brother and me (physical) so she could swoop in, save me, and say that she helped me. She did a lot of other things like groom me against my father when they got divorced and isolated me from friends saying she was the only one I needed. I’ll spare the rest and say when I became ill, she yelled at me for not talking to her because she was soooo worried. I had no voice.
After that and fat shaming me, I went no contact. The family has been divided with some understanding it and a lot calling me a jerk for it.
Enter my fiance Liam (36M) and my grandma Hailey (93F). Liam first of all is my treasure.
We met at an old job 6 years ago and hit it off. Long story short we got engaged. He initially didn’t understand the NC but is behind me 100%.
Hailey however is old fashioned. She believes that forgive and forget and has insulted me a lot for ruining the family.
I let it go a lot because she’s older and I wanted to respect her so I put up with so many insults. Last night however I put my foot down. When I was discussing wedding plans I made it clear my mom was not invited. I also mentioned I was going to see Liam’s family for the holidays.
She gave a snarky comment saying they’re the only family I have now and I lost my cool. I told her they’re the only one I need and she got quiet and basically ended the call quickly. For context, Liam’s family is the best and has welcomed me with open arms. I feel I may be a jerk because she’s an older woman who hates broken families but you don’t insult my fiance and his family like that.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I personally believe that your family is who you choose and chooses you back, not simply your blood. It’s understandable that your grandmother feels the way that she does, given her generation that is common. Her comment was coming from a place of hurt it seems, but that doesn’t make it okay.
You continue to allow only those that welcome you and treat you with kindness, don’t allow any potential guilt to steer you away from that.” Informal-Condition45
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Protecting oneself and those we love isn’t just a right; it’s a responsibility. There’s a stark difference between stooping to someone’s level and taking a stand against disrespectful behavior.
Your engagement creates a new family unit that deserves peace and respect. It’s clear this pattern of hurtful comments goes beyond this single incident and has deeper roots in continuous neglect and abuse of boundaries. Setting clear limits with your grandmother and any other family member who disrespects these boundaries is crucial to your mental health and the health of your relationship with your fiancé.
Remember, being related by blood doesn’t grant anyone a free pass to be abusive. Stay firm, communicate your standards, and surround yourself with those who support and uplift you.” Portia_Whitecotton
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your actual family sounds like a toxic nightmare, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with removing yourself from them for your own well-being.
A lot of people are afraid to do this because of “family”, but in my experience, sometimes the best family you can have is the one you build, be it actual family or close friends you find along the way. It sounds like you have a great family and support system now in your fiancé and his family.
I think you’re making the right choice and I think you should have nothing to feel bad about with calling your family out on it.” LIRUN21-007
19. AITJ For Refusing To Go To Hooters With My Dad And Brother?
“I’m 14f and just last week my older brother turned 18. He is at college a few hours away so my mom, dad, and I got in the car to meet him and give him presents and yeah.
I crocheted him a Pikachu. Nobody talked about what we were eating for dinner ahead of time or I just wouldn’t have gone. But when we got there my dad kept asking if my brother wanted to go to Hooters.
I’m gonna be honest and just say that it made me feel really uncomfortable.
For those of you who don’t know Hooters is this chain restaurant where the whole point is to gawk at the waitresses who are all attractive girls wearing white shirts and little orange shorts.
It made me feel really, really uncomfortable and bad so I said that they could go inside and I looked and saw there was a bookstore like a 5 minute walk away so I’d go there instead because I did not want to go.
My dad got upset and started screaming at me that if I had a problem I could sit in the car. So I said ok, I’ll just sit here. He snatched my phone and screamed that I wouldn’t need my phone to sit here.
I said ok. They went in then about 20 minutes later my mom came out to ask me to go inside with them and I said no, I don’t want to go there.
After they dropped off my brother he screamed at me for my actions.
I lowkey thought my mom would get it but when we got home she told me that I should have just gone in because it was not that big a deal. I told her that it felt really gross to go to a restaurant just meant for gawking at women with my dad and brother.
That if my dad wanted to act out like that he should have just gone with my brother. She said that sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do. Which yeah I get that but I figured that applied more to stuff like having to do homework or babysit my mom’s friend’s kids.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re right – going to Hooters with your dad and brother does sound like a gross time. I wouldn’t have wanted to go either. It’s not a family restaurant, they have a target demographic – and you’re not it. Your dad’s reactions are WAY out of line and sound borderline abusive.
I’m sorry – you may want to talk to your school counselor about his actions.
“She said that sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do.” And hard no on this – this is for stuff like homework, not going to a restaurant whose sole purpose is to objectify women with your brother and father while they eat wings and make inappropriate comments.” Discount_Mithral
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Genuinely so impressed with you sticking to your values and not going along with misogyny and the objectification of women even under huge pressure from your parents. There’s no way I would have had that level of maturity and strength of mind at your age!
Girls like you will change the world.” grammarlysucksass
Another User Comments:
“You felt uncomfortable being there, him getting angry because you disobeyed him sends the wrong message to you. By his logic, you would always have to force yourself into uncomfortable situations to satisfy your father or husband or whomever.
You stuck up for yourself and never feel bad for that. Massive respect to you. NTJ.” Philip_J_Fry3000
18. AITJ For Being Honest About My Feelings Towards My Dad's New Family?
“My dad (45M) and I (17F) had a pretty big talk recently and I was open and honest with him like he asked me to be.
But by being open and honest with him I left him feeling really bad and my grandparents, his parents, told me I shouldn’t have been so honest and that sugarcoating in situations like this is always the right way to go about these conversations. They told me not doing so had made things worse.
Our honest conversation was about my feelings toward my dad’s wife and my half-sister who recently turned 3. I’m not close to them and Dad knows that but he was hoping I did love them at least a little. Which I don’t. Truthfully, I love my dad and I am glad he’s happy and I would never deny him that.
But I don’t get the same happiness from his moving on with someone else and growing the family that he does.
My mom, siblings and I were in an accident when I was 8. I was the only survivor and it was touch and go for a while with me.
I had five surgeries after the accident and I was in the hospital for over three months. So I missed the funeral and I also feel like I never got to say a real goodbye. My dad was broken too but he kept moving for me and I know that was hard for him.
We were both lost and we both found our own ways to move forward. We both have been in extensive therapy ever since. We both still attend but not like we used to and yes, we had therapy together on a few occasions.
When my dad told me he had met someone when I was 13 I took it really badly.
I was able to tell him eventually that I was glad he was happy but I was never able to be excited about his wife. They found out she was pregnant a couple of months after he told me about her so things were way more real and serious immediately.
She’s nice. She has tried to fill in some kind of mother role for me but she’s not my mom and I don’t want her to do that. I was pretty clear about that so she did back off but does reach out with offers to do the motherly things for me.
I never accept.
I don’t ignore my half-sister but I don’t really spend a lot of time with her either and I don’t adore her or feel like she made my world better or any of the stuff people told me I would feel. My dad noticed. He noticed everything.
Then he asked me for the talk. I was honest with him when he asked me how I felt. I told him that I was happy for him. But I didn’t get joy out of the same things he does and our ways of moving forward are different.
He asked me if I would keep in touch with my half-sister at least if he died and I told him I couldn’t see that happening. That really upset him. He told me he understood and he knew it was different for me. That he had hoped we would be on the same path forward.
But like I said, my grandparents aren’t happy with me for not sugarcoating and they told me I need to learn how to do that better because I’ll be a jerk if I don’t.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are 17 and Dad is an adult so you should not be expected to manage his emotions.
It does sound like the two of you have good communication and both of you are capable of expressing yourselves clearly. Dad is saddened by your feelings toward his wife and new child and that’s ok. You don’t have to love them as long as you are civil and courteous.
You already lost so much in your life and aren’t looking for replacements. Dad understands your feelings but wishes they would change while accepting that you don’t. There is no reason to sugarcoat the news as that won’t change the message. You’re not saying you hate them, asking him to get rid of them, or being rude to them, you are just saying you respect Dad’s feelings but yours are different.
Your grandparents are wrong in wanting you to manage how Dad feels. I would tell them that the topic is finished and there is nothing further to discuss as you and Dad understand how each feels. Good luck to you.” squirrelsareevil2479
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your feelings weren’t considered when he chose to marry again (not saying they should be, he’s an adult and can move on however he sees fit but that decision was taken unilaterally). He doesn’t have the right to come around now and dictate how you feel about his wife and child, he doesn’t have the right to be upset that you don’t feel the same way about them.
And your grandparents need to mind their business, there’s nothing to sugarcoat (assuming you weren’t disrespectful to your dad or his family during the talk) just saying you don’t feel the same about them and won’t continue to have a relationship with them after his passing is pretty tame imo.
He as an adult, should be able to hear that without being hurt.” Miserable_Success780
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and it doesn’t sound like your dad thinks you are either, only your grandparents. You had a serious chat with your dad, that he asked you to be open and honest, which you were (and kudos on that – that took some guts).
It doesn’t sound like it was an angry or aggressive, just a sad one. And that’s fine, because with everything you and your dad have been through how can you not be sad? It also sounds like, although it may sadden your dad, he kind of gets it.
There are times to sugarcoat things, sure, but I’m not convinced this is one of them. How could you sugarcoat without lying? I actually think what you did was really brave.” Swimming_Possible_68
17. AITJ For Writing About My Exhaustion Caring For My Mother-In-Law In My Journal?
“My husband, Greg (35m), our three kids, and I (32f) live with his mother, Marie (72f).
Greg is her youngest son, and in our culture, it is tradition to have the youngest son live with his parents to take care of them as they age. I knew this while we were seeing each other, and I knew this when we got married.
Marie’s health has been on a decline the past few years, and she requires a full-time caretaker. Due to this, I switched my shift at work so I could be with her during the day, and Greg could be with her at night. It’s been like this for quite some time now.
As a family, we cannot take vacations or even go somewhere overnight because we cannot leave Marie. We cannot have any sort of pets because Marie is afraid of all animals. We cannot move out of the small 2-bedroom house that she owns because she refuses to sell it.
And lately, I have had major anxiety just being around her because she has become so hostile and negative about her condition. Nothing I do is right and she will complain about everything from her pillow not being positioned right or her food being too bland (she is on a low-sodium diet.)
I’m not saying I’m not willing to continue being her caretaker. I love Marie, and my relationship with her is usually pretty good. It’s just been hard and I need a break. I keep a journal and write everything down. It helps me unwind and collect my thoughts.
I wrote in there that I cannot wait until I get the freedom to work towards the life that I want. I cannot wait to have my dream home with my little family, get a dog or two, and go on the occasional vacation.
Greg knows I have this journal. I don’t know what caused him to do this but he read it yesterday.
To my knowledge, he has never read it before. He came out angry at me for basically writing that I cannot wait for his mother to pass so that I can be free. I got mad that he even read my journal, but tried to explain to him that that’s not what I meant, but he said that no matter how I put it, I’m just waiting.
I asked why he even read it and he said that I’ve been acting so down lately and he wanted to see what was going on to help, but didn’t realize I disliked his mother so much. I tried to tell him that I do not dislike her, but I’m exhausted. He didn’t listen to me and slept on the couch.
I don’t think he told Marie what I had written, but he hasn’t talked to me since. I am still pretty upset that he read my private journal. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Write in there that you are so mad that your husband whom you thought you could trust, read your private diary.
That you don’t want his mom to die. You just want a friggin break and are so exhausted!! If he is the youngest, that means there are older siblings. They should come take a turn so you guys get a day or weekend off a month.
Caregiver burnout is real. Write it all down. He will read it again. He shouldn’t. But he will. Then write “counseling appt for marriage needed ASAP due to this violation of privacy. Also his family needs to step up ASAP too.” You are in the trenches of kid care AND parent care.
It is so hard and I feel for you. I dealt with it too and wouldn’t wish it on anyone.” Trick_Delivery4609
Another User Comments:
“So you have 6 people living in a 2-bedroom home? Where does everyone sleep? I hope you have legal protections in your country.
Your husband violated your privacy in ways that cannot be taken back. It was a despicable thing to do. Are you sure he isn’t using you to take care of his mother (and the children) and is going to dump you when she passes?
Stop pleading with him. You cannot even have privacy in that house. You should be furious. You are exhausted. And he is unsupportive, unsympathetic, and unappreciative. You need some caregiver assistance and a break. Make it happen. NTJ. Obviously, honesty is only a weapon to be turned upon you by your husband.
You also need to buy a large safe or vault to hide your journals/thoughts in and never give him the combination. I wonder what he is hiding in his phone or browser history or whatever.” Avlonnic2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, honey, tell your husband the term y’all are looking for is called “burnout.” Y’all are so wrapped up in taking care of her, dealing with all that kind of bull stuff and mess that at no point have you left yourselves time to relax and release any of the pent-up stress.
That’s all that journal was, a way for you to try and collectively get your brain to a state of tolerance for the situation. Him being mad, him invading your privacy, him not listening is all a part of that.” Electronic_Goose3894
16. AITJ For Not Wanting My Dad's Partner And Her Son To Join Our Trip?
“My dad and I are fighting over a situation and I want to know if I am the jerk.
I (24f) have a fiancé (26m) whose work is taking him to a Southern American country this summer. He will be engaged there for 4 months. We are currently in Europe.
I am going to join my partner for 1 month, taking a 2-week holiday and then working remotely for 2 weeks.
On mutual agreement, I invited my dad (who has always wanted to visit the country we are going to) to also join us for 2 weeks. We were all excited to go and spend some time together, especially as I only see my dad a few times a year (we live in different countries).
Additionally, my fiancé and I just got engaged and he and my dad (my only living parent) have only met each other four times over our 2 1/2-year relationship. This would be important bonding time between them.
I have just found out from my dad that he ‘floated the idea’ that his partner (of 9 months) should maybe join him.
I was very hesitant and politely tried to tell him I’d like for it just to be us. However, he already mentioned this to his partner and she got very excited. She also told her teenage son (19) about this and ‘he got all excited’.
Now all of a sudden these two people are committed to coming on this trip as well. For context, I have met my dad’s partner twice, quite briefly. She’s ok but I found hanging out a bit awkward. I have never met the partner’s son, and my fiancé (whose work trip this is) has never met either of them.
I am quite upset at this turn of events as
1. I was looking forward to spending some time with my dad and my fiancé in an intimate way (rare opportunity) and now we have to spend our time getting to know new people and small-talking, and also accommodating a teenager in a country that is not the safest.
2. Flights to this country were not cheap and this is my only holiday this year. I wanted to spend it relaxing instead of with the expectation of ‘hosting’ and curating activities for strangers. My dad says this will not happen but they are already relying on us to book activities.
3. This is my fiancé’s work trip that he invited me on, and we together invited my dad. These people invited themselves, never having talked to me or my fiancé about it (we have never even exchanged numbers as we don’t really know each other) and I find this quite rude.
I simply do not want them there.
My dad and I got into a fight about this and he wants me to chill out. I want his partner and her son to not come (nothing has been booked by them, flights are booked for me and Dad).
AITJ for being upset or should I just get over it and let these people come? I can’t tell if I’m overreacting.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I totally understand how it will be awkward with his partner and her son there. Your dad should have taken you into consideration before he invited them.
I can see that he would probably be a bit bored or lonely at times during the trip but it won’t be that long.” rollonover
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you invited your dad. It was incredibly rude of him to then invite other people.
Guests don’t get to invite other guests without permission. I would suggest you start putting up boundaries surrounding this trip now. Tell your dad, that he, the partner, and her son are on their own as far as organizing tours, etc now. I would also suggest you tell them to start looking at hotels.” meeeee01
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are not obligated to accommodate people you don’t know on your holiday, just because your dad is seeing one of them. That said, you can’t really stop them going. What you can do is make it clear they will not be staying with you and will be responsible for their own itinerary.
You can still book a few activities or days together, you can meet regularly for dinner, etc. But keep your accommodation to just you and your fiance so you can feel comfortable and relax properly.” Ok-Map-6599
15. AITJ For Comparing Changing My Cat's Pee Pad To Changing A Baby's Diaper?
“I overheard my coworker “Tammy” talking with another coworker about how she had been trying to make banana bread, but it always came out too dry. I suggested she add sour cream to her recipe to keep the bread moist.
She seemed interested and wanted me to email her my recipe, but I am one of those people who just throws ingredients together in what feels like the right amounts.
I told her this, and she suggested that she come over to my house sometime so I can show her how I make it. It sounded a little bit like she was joking, but I took her up on it and invited her over. She agreed. She came over on Saturday with a note card and pencil so she could write down the steps as I was doing them, and we set to work.
I have a cat, Tater Tot, who is paralyzed, so I keep her suited up to protect both her and my floors while she drags herself around. When Tammy came over, Tater Tot was zipping around as usual, checking things out. Tammy seemed surprised to see her and avoided looking at her.
I asked if she wanted me to put Tater Tot away, but she said no, don’t worry about it. We commenced with the making of banana bread.
As I was throwing things together and measuring out my slap-dash ingredients so she could write down the amounts, I noticed that Tater Tot had soiled herself.
I excused myself for a minute so I could get her cleaned up and changed, then washed my hands and came back to finish measuring.
This is where Tammy became upset. She didn’t want me to touch the ingredients anymore because I had just touched a cat’s poop, and it wasn’t sanitary.
I told her that I had not touched the poop directly, and had washed my hands with antibacterial soap afterwards, so my hands were clean. She told me it didn’t matter, and that she wouldn’t have come over if she had known that my secret ingredient was cat poop.
Here’s a thing about Tammy. She has a one-year-old son, whom she has brought to work on a couple of occasions. It’s crazy, the amount of stink and poop that such a tiny creature can produce. There’s no way this lady hasn’t ever been wrist-deep in poop at one point or another, changing this kid’s diaper, and I’m sure that afterward she washed her hands and went about her day like a normal human being.
So I told her that me changing my cat’s pee pad was no different than her changing her baby’s diaper.
And I guess that’s what really set her off, because she threw down her note card and pencil and very loudly said, “my child is not an animal!” She grabbed her purse off the table and stormed out of my house, and that was the end of that.
Given her reaction, I’m wondering if I’m the jerk for comparing her baby to my cat. I honestly don’t see why she got so angry about it. (The hand washing thing, I guess I can understand.)”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Poop is poop.
You made a perfectly good point. “Tammy” just chooses to be offended for no good reason. Honestly, you weren’t comparing her baby to a cat. You were comparing her baby’s poop to a cat’s poop. That’s completely different! She probably got all defensive because she realized that you were right (poop really is poop!) but instead of saying, “Sorry,” and letting it go, she decided to double down.
Never forget: Poop is poop!” SushiGuacDNA
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Humans are animals. (this means baby humans… are also animals) Poop is poop. Poop is nasty. This is why we now have cool stuff called “soap” and “hand sanitizer”. We no longer have to worry about poop being on our hands forever.
It’s very cool. Is she unfamiliar with soap and its magical properties? It sounds like either her baby doesn’t poop (unlikely) or she doesn’t use soap (I’m going to pretend this is impossible). Apologies for the sass, but this is just so ridiculous. You did nothing wrong.
Banana Bread Lady has done… many wrong things, it seems.” CapriSunTzu-
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I mean her child is an animal though? Like so is she and so is literally everyone else. That aside no this was not a faux pas on your part.
Perhaps if she had taken issue with the ammonia associated with cat pee it’d be different, but her issue really did seem to stem from her not being an animal person or pet owner in general. Be careful she doesn’t spread rumors of you calling her baby an animal around your workplace.
Maybe when a friendly coworker asks the obligatory “how was your weekend?” You answer with “it was fine but something weird happened. I had Tammy over to bake banana bread like we planned but I had to take a second to care for my cat…” And explain what you told us.
Nothing mean or malicious just plain old confusion. That way if Tammy tries to start anything you already have your version of the story out to the public instead of it coming off as you trying to cover your butt afterward.” Professional-Scar628
14. AITJ For Not Considering My Husband's DND Preparation As A Chore?
“I (35F) and my husband (35M) have been together for ten years, blissfully happy, no notes.
Over the past year, we got into Dungeons and Dragons. We have a weekly game that runs from 3 to 4 hours with three other friends. Five of us have been going on adventures for the past few years, meeting consistently over Zoom. I’ve been having a great time overall.
My husband is the DM (dungeon master), which means he does a lot of work preparing the sessions. This includes coming up with the characters we are going to have conversations with, figuring out the battles we are going to fight, and so on. I really appreciate his work.
On the other hand, I’ve been feeling like I’m doing more chores in our partnership. I cook a lot, clean the kitchen, help with the laundry, do most of the driving. We tried splitting chores before, there was a period where he would fold laundry or do cleaning while I cooked, but it didn’t last beyond a week or two.
I normally don’t particularly mind but life has been especially difficult lately due to health issues in the family and I think it put extra stress on us.
So, the other day I cooked dinner. During dinner, he was giving me a sneak peek of the magical items he made for the blacksmith in the new town and I guess I didn’t look as excited so he asked me why.
I said: “I’ll be excited when you clean up the kitchen after we are done eating.”
This started a major argument (and we really don’t have many of those, so it was a bit intense) about how I don’t appreciate his work on this campaign.
I countered by saying he’s free to work on his hobbies as much as he wants but it’s not the same thing as helping me out with chores. To this, he countered, that his work on this DND campaign counts as a chore, just like cooking and cleaning.
He said he provides a space for hanging out with our friends every week. In a way, he’s organizing and scheduling our social life, and that it takes a lot of work.
I thought this was an absolutely bonkers perspective. This is where things escalated because I was sort of befuddled (I still am) and he got really hurt.
He did say: “The fact that you’re asking this shows you don’t understand how much work I put into this campaign.” For the record, I did run a leg of the campaign as the DM for a few weeks and it was a lot of work.
But it was a hobby, at least to me. It was a fun thing I elected to do, not something I needed to do, like a chore. He pointed out that I don’t need to cook either, we can afford to eat out every night and hire a cleaning service for sorting out the apartment.
He’s not wrong, we can afford it but it still felt weird.
I eventually let it go, but I feel like I am going to need some sort of a resolution to this because I can feel the resentment bubbling in my chest. I don’t want to win an argument, I am not looking for vindication, but can someone give me an insight into this conflict?
Am I wrong? Am I being the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“Hobby time is hobby time and not chore time. NTJ. I GMed for 5 years, and it is a lot of prep work. But that’s hobby time. That took away from time spent painting miniatures or reading or other games.
It did NOT prevent me from cleaning, cooking, etc. Laundry still has to get done. His argument is laughable.” KronkLaSworda
Another User Comments:
“Your husband is being ludicrous and trying to avoid his fair share. Having run games for nearly 40 years, I have never once considered it a household chore.
Yes, it requires time and effort but it’s a labor of love for a hobby that I am invested in. It’s not the same as washing dishes, mopping floors, or scrubbing toilets, which need to be done to maintain a household. Does OP have any hobbies?
Start treating them like Hubby treats DND – see how he reacts. Not the jerk.” TheRealBadAsher
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can see it from both sides. I have a DnD group with rotating DM responsibilities. Everyone in my group has DMed for months-long stretches.
We do it this way to keep everything fresh and to prevent any single DM from getting burnt out. I can totally understand your husband’s perspective – it IS a lot of work! And he’s doing it for the benefit of a group of people, including you.
However, as you said, it IS an elective. And if you weren’t also part of the group, you and your household wouldn’t be benefitting at all. It’s not something you can use as an excuse to ignore the rest of your life and to leave others hanging or sacked with the “real” chores.
Whenever it’s my or my wife’s turn to DM, we’ve never used it as an excuse not to load the dishwasher. We’ve always just re-allotted other casual time to the campaign (so instead of playing video games for a couple of hours in the evening, we’d work on the campaign after work/household chores).
It’s way too easy to become absorbed in DnD so I think he’s on a slippery slope. It’s not cool to lose it on him like a shaken-up pop can, but you do need to emphasize your stance in a calm manner.” consolelog_a11y
13. AITJ For Telling A Neighbor To Stop His Dog From Using My Yard As A Bathroom?
“I’ve lived in my house for 10 years, when I bought it, it was a corner lot off a major neighborhood street. It had a grass yard with no fence. Due to my grass yard, I regularly see dog owners using it as a bathroom. Most would clean it up, some would not.
Either way, I thought it was rude.
The year I had my first kid, in 2019, I put up a small fence, only goes up 8-10 inches. It was significantly more cost-effective to do that than build one that is 3-4 feet high. I just wanted a barrier to keep my young kids in.
I think the look of my house is much better with the shorter fence too.
I have a 4 and 2-year-old who play in the front yard nearly every day. I recently started noticing via my ring camera a guy letting his dog into my yard and letting it poop.
This morning, I went outside to clean up some toys that were left out and that very guy had his golden retriever in my yard, over the fence. I said, hey, get off my property. He said he was just passing by, let his dog cut through the grass since I have a nice yard (his words).
I told him not to ignore the fence and I have video of his dog doing its business in my yard. He says you also have on video me picking it up.
I told him I didn’t want his dog doing its business in my yard at all.
Mentioned my kids play in the yard. I asked him again to get his darn dog out of my yard, which at this point he still hadn’t done. He says I’m not very neighborly and that without a park in the neighborhood, my yard is the best. I told him to get out of here.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Motion sensor sprinklers, my friend. Just turn it off when you’re outside. And I’m a dog lover. Got a massive black lab. Love dogs but I don’t want dog waste all over my front yard. And you’ve got little ones.
You don’t need your kids playing on waste-smeared grass. I put in the sprinklers in my front yard to keep the deer from devouring my roses. I discovered it also works a treat for dogs and their yuppie owners who like to let their dog roam freely – either off leash or one of those extendable leashes.” Salt-Lavishness-7560
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t need an excuse or a reason to tell people to keep out of your yard. “There’s no park, your yard is best”??? You have to be kidding me. “Dog people” are so entitled. Call the police and have him warned. If he does it again, have him charged with trespassing.” 080secspec13
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m a dog owner, I love dogs. I confess, sometimes it’s hard to keep my dogs off of neighbors’ grass, but I try! Similarly, I see dogs go in my yard, and I don’t mind if they just pee, but poop should be cleaned up.
But that’s my preference, and I respect that some neighbors don’t want dogs on their yard period. Their pee can discolor the grass, or maybe they just don’t like it, it’s their property and their right. In your case with the little fence, there’s definitely no excuse for his dog to be in your yard.
He should have been apologetic, not doubled down and acted like you’re obligated to let all the neighborhood dogs in your yard.” Significant-Ring5503
12. AITJ For Refusing To Pay Half Of The Kids' Medical Expenses Without A Detailed Receipt From My Ex?
“My ex and I have been divorced for several years.
We had a contentious divorce and it took us over a year to solidify a parenting agreement. The parenting agreement says that we are to each pay for half of medical expenses. Recently my ex had his partner take the kids to have their eyes checked and supplied me with only a credit card pay slip as a receipt.
He expects me to pay half. I have told him that I need to see the detailed receipt that shows who had services provided and the cost of them and that only giving me the credit card pay slip (that shows only what was paid and nothing else) is not enough information.
He is now trying to twist this into a “you refuse to pay your half and always try to weasel your way out of paying” situation, which is not the case. This is the first time since our divorce that he is asking for reimbursement for half.
I’ve told him that I’m more than willing to pay but that he needs to provide the detailed receipt. I even went so far as to tell him that without a detailed receipt, I have no idea what I’m paying for. For all I know it was services rendered to him and not the kids, his only response is “your refusal to pay is noted”.
I haven’t refused anything, I’ve only asked for what I think is a very reasonable amount of information.
In addition to this, two of our kids need glasses. Our oldest has had glasses and they have been broken since early February (broken while at my ex’s house and he never told me this happened).
I was able to temporarily fix them with super glue. I let my ex know that these need to be replaced ASAP, and let’s get these fixed for her so that she doesn’t have to wear broken glasses as if she’s Harry Potter. He had never taken any initiative to get a replacement.
Finally, after the kids had exams and got new prescriptions I was able to order glasses for the 2 kids who need them. I then provided him with a copy of the itemized receipts for them, and every time I mention that hey, I already paid for these and here are the receipts, you need to pay for half, he completely ignores those messages.
At the same time, he’s going on a rampage over the “vision checks” that I want to see an itemized receipt for before sending him money.
To be honest, this is just the tip of the iceberg. The kids have majority time with him since his partner lives in a better school district; however, even though I pay child support so that they can live there and get the benefits, I still end up paying for everything they need outside of basic housing.
Clothes, shoes, even shoelaces he refused to buy our oldest. I even went up buying them basic things like ibuprofen, Tylenol, bandages, ankle braces, etc.. when they get hurt there because he doesn’t supply them and his partner refuses to spend any money on them.
It goes so far that the kids are told that they aren’t allowed to bring clothes back to my house (which I bought) because they are too nice and need to stay there. It is ridiculous at this point. It’s completely exhausting.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for itemized bill and glasses requests. Let’s get this out of the way first – partner doesn’t have to pay kids’ expenses. That’s your and his job. However, it seems like the expenses are mainly covered by you. You’ve trapped yourself. You’ve decided to pay for a lot of stuff you probably don’t have to since they live with him.
You really need to look at your decisions. Why are you covering him? Someone said he’s trying to scam you – let me tell you how I read this – for whatever reasons of yours, you seem to place a premium on where his partner lives as opposed to you having time with your kids.
You also end up paying “more” than your fair share because he realizes he has them and you aren’t strong enough to say no. If kids are with him, you have to let them live in the environment he provides. If not, get more time with your kids.
But you don’t seem to want more time. Is the school district really so superior? You’re exposed – he can say kids substantially live with him, he doesn’t earn enough, and ask the court for more. He can do his part as he sees it without asking for more but you’ll pay more anyway for your kids’ comfort.
He can not do his part and you’ll still pay. He can refuse to pay his 50% of the glasses and what are you going to do? Until you make better decisions, you’ll keep being exhausted and you’ll keep paying.” Kami_Sang
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but put everything in writing.
Send him an email and attach a copy of your receipt and tell him that his share is half the amount. Then remind him that you have repeatedly asked for an itemized receipt for their vision check-ups and have not been provided one. Without seeing an itemized receipt, you cannot know how much he spent on the kids.
And re-iterate that a general credit card receipt with no provider indication of what was provided for whom is not sufficient. Then if he takes you to court about it (or tries to claim so in court, you have documentation.) I hope you are also saving all the receipts for the items you provide the kids.
I’m guessing that he also claims them on his taxes – even though he provides them very little. (Sounds like partner provides the home and the medical/vision/dental? insurance. Wonder if he even gives his partner any funds to recompense her. Makes you wonder what he spends the child support on….” swillshop
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but if you’re trying to catch him adding charges why don’t you call the optometrist, inform them you need to bill for court documentation related to the divorce agreement & pay your half then? If he continues, go with it like keep demanding the bill just to see what he sends over if anything comes & go from there.
Document this entire thing so when you do if you decide to fight for full custody you can bring this up verbatim.” Moneysignhoneysign
11. AITJ For Keeping My Wedding Date Despite Mother-In-Law's Late Objection Due To Her Past Loss?
“So I, a 25-year-old female, just got engaged to my 25-year-old male fiancé. We have been in a relationship for almost 7 years now. We have been very open with discussing the wedding and dates and what we want for the wedding.
When we announced the wedding date my mother-in-law had no issue, she didn’t say a thing. But months after we put a deposit down on everything DJ, venue, food, and photography. Actually, during one of the photography Zoom meetings discussing our engagement photos idea, she texted me and said, “Why did you pick that date for your wedding my daughter died two days before that.” Mind you, she was in the room we were doing the meeting in having dinner.
I didn’t say anything and just brushed it off.
My mother-in-law lost her first child almost 30 years ago to SIDS. Which is a horrible thing and I would never want that to happen to anyone. My fiancé and I both thought since the wedding was not on the actual anniversary it would be fine.
Also, later on, I found out it was my uncle’s birthday (who was like a father to me) and he passed away 10 years ago and I wanted to honor him with his favorite shot of beverage (Jim Bean) and his wife and sons all supported me and were the ones that told me that.
That was his birthday. So, I became even more attached to that date. Meanwhile, my mother-in-law knew the day we decided the date and didn’t say anything until after we put all the deposits down.
Am I the jerk for thinking she is out of line since she waited until after we put all the deposits down to say something?
Ps only my fiancé and I are paying for the wedding with a little help here and there from my parents and the in-laws.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This seems to be about something else. Those types of dates are etched into your heart, like, my mom died on the 27th of February, but I’m usually still a bit melancholic in the ten days leading up to that because that was when she was very suddenly actively dying.
Yes, even twenty years later. But I’ve been experiencing that since I was 17, and deal with it accordingly (and don’t try to make it the problem of other people). Grief is weird, yes, but I find it odd that it occurred to her so suddenly.” FlatConclusion8847
Another User Comments:
“INFO Any chance your MIL has been protesting to her son and he just didn’t tell you? It seems super odd that she has just raised it for the first time now. Not many people would want their kid to potentially lose that much money just to go change dates at the last minute.
For anyone that actually would find that acceptable, I doubt they could keep their mouth shut for this long…” Something-bothersome
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Certainly understand MIL’s anguish for a death that occurred 30 years earlier on a different date. You are NTJ for planning a wedding and picking a date that MIL did not mention for a long time in the planning.
Your fiancé needs to deal with his mother – not you. You are honoring your uncle who passed and if she had a concern with the date she should have brought it up earlier, not now. People don’t “own dates” and block out that date going forward in the future.” Not_the_maid
10. AITJ For Wanting My Step-Dad, Not My Biological Dad, To Walk Me Down The Aisle?
“So I will be getting married next August to my wonderful fiancé (20M), David.
We are in the middle of finalizing our guest list to send our save the dates. I’m having some mixed feedback from family and friends about the situation with my biological Dad.
For some family background context for myself, my parents had me very young.
They did not stay together and weren’t prepared for a kid. My dad and I don’t have a bad relationship by any means, but he wasn’t really consistent in my life until I was a pre-teen. He was always there for me as best he could be and a good dad although I never lived with him.
But, he and my mom have a good friendship and were always friendly when I was growing up. He always helped out financially and he would take me to Disneyland once a year from the ages 12-18, came to my birthday parties, etc. He’s a good dad overall.
However, I was raised mostly by my stepdad Jonathan. My mom married him very young (they’re still together) when I was 2 years old. I just wasn’t around my bio dad as often. Jonathan worked from home and so he really did the majority of raising me.
My mom was a nurse’s assistant at the hospital and worked crazy hours, so pretty much my whole childhood memories are of Jonathan. He taught me to ride a bike, packed my lunch every day, and he was the one at EVERY concert and basketball game, even now he still comes to my recreational league games.
We have a great relationship. It’s almost like Jonathan is my dad and my dad is an uncle, if that makes sense.
I’ve decided I want Jonathan to walk me down the aisle, but almost all of my friends and family keep saying “Your dad should do that!
You will regret having anyone but your dad do it!” Even my fiancé thinks it would be a better idea to have my dad do it. And I keep getting told that if I’m not going to have my dad walk me down the aisle I just shouldn’t invite him because it will humiliate/shame him to watch Jonathan walk me down.
I haven’t really spoken to my dad about this yet, he knows I’m getting married but hasn’t really asked about it much, but I think he assumes he will be doing it. The only passing comment I’ve gotten from him has been “I’ll have to practice my walk with you”.
It’s got me a bit anxious to sort it out and let everyone know who is doing what. Jonathan has been asking me about the wedding all the time, he loves my fiancé too and is really involved and I think it would just really mean a lot to him to do this.
But, I love my bio dad a lot and I still want him there.
WIBTJ for inviting my dad to the wedding and not having him walk me down the aisle?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but why are you not going to compromise and have both of them walk you down the aisle?
My best friend has two dads (stepdad and bio dad) and both of them are really important people to her so she had both of them walk her down the aisle. It looked really beautiful and everyone had tears in their eyes.” lillien-li
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you need to woman up and have a serious conversation with bio dad sooner rather than later. If bio dad has any capacity for rational thought, he should already be aware that Jonathan did the grunt work in the raising of you, so he should be able to appreciate your feelings around this.
If he decides to have a tantrum, put him on the naughty step for a couple of weeks/however long it takes for him to wind his neck in. Or, given that I believe that most wedding traditions are outdated, you could always walk yourself down the aisle, or ask your mother to walk with you and avoid choosing between them at all.” Turned40TurnedFeral
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I would have them both do it or neither. That’s just my opinion of course but you did say that your bio has been a good dad. And yes, I read that he was not always present in your early years but you seem to have created a relationship with him from at least the age of 12 so I would say that is positive.
My thought would be, if you ask your stepfather only, will it be on your mind the day of the wedding? Will you be concerned with it and have it hovering in the back of your mind all day? If so, maybe make a decision that works for you and/or feelings, not worrying about others.
Another option is to have your fiancé walk you down the aisle. My DIL went this route because her father did not want to walk her down the aisle (he has anxiety and felt everyone would be looking at him). My son walked her down the aisle and it was beautiful.
But in the end, this is your day so you have to do what is right for you.” Mandy_Moo
9. AITJ For Disinheriting My Daughters After Divorcing Their Father?
“A year ago I left my home and filed for divorce from my emotionally abusive controlling husband. We lived with all our adult (30+) children plus their kids 2(f)and 2(m) all of whom receive a salary from my soon-to-be ex’s business. We also financially support our 2 grandkids.
When I left I tried to explain my reasons to them which is difficult because everyone only sees the good side of him. I specifically asked them to not take sides as this is between their father and me. My sons have kept out of the nitty-gritty of the divorce and are not taking sides.
To my horror, I was told that my daughter found a lawyer for my soon-to-be ex when he was prepared to dissolve the marriage and split our assets with no fight. She gave her father an ultimatum that if he allowed me back into the home (I WILL NEVER GO BACK) she would leave with her children.
She has been heartbreakingly rude to me for the first time ever. I have been told that I no longer have access to my grandchildren. I suffer terrible anxiety with panic attacks and this has all but destroyed me. My other daughter has also stopped speaking to me but shows less hate and aggression.
I admit they are spoiled and also very manipulative like their father, but all this still feels like ice water over my head.
I have been diagnosed with high blood pressure and diabetes. The diabetes is under control and I no longer medicate, but the high blood pressure won’t stop me from keeling over from a heart attack with all this stress.
My ex is still a beneficiary of my life insurance policies. I want to change the beneficiary to my sons and 2 grandkids. I want to thank my sons for their support and love without which I know I would have had no will to go on.
AITJ for disinheriting my daughters?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can do what you want with your possessions. Just make sure you mention them in the will, so they can’t fight the will in court. You may have to give them a $1, but your lawyer can let you know the specifics for protection in your state.
Change that life insurance policy. Your husband isn’t entitled to it unless it’s somehow tied to the business or prenup agreements/contracts.” lilolememe
Another User Comments:
“INFO: what are your daughters’ reasons for siding with your ex? For not wanting you in the house? For not wanting you to have contact with their kids?
What would they say if we could talk to them? You might not be the jerk, but this is basically what a jerk would write if they were trying to rationalize and justify a situation where they were the problem. Your children have a right to take sides and reject you, and you have a right to respond by disinheriting them.
That doesn’t make you the jerk, but whatever you did to earn their rejection certainly might.” Dr_Brapp
Another User Comments:
“You can do what you want with your inheritance, but already the rage and the fact that your daughters reacted like this, in particular the one who takes fully your ex’s side in a drastic and total way, tell me that maybe you are omitting something.
I remember a post from an Op that described how the ex was abusive and their children were spoiled and hated her without a reason, and people were all with her, but not long after one of the daughters saw the post and told all the people the truth about the mother and Op was torn to pieces by everyone.
Clearly, I’m not saying that this is your case, and like I said before, you can do what you want with your inheritance, but honestly, I would be curious to hear your daughter’s side.” Orixx_94
8. AITJ For Telling My Old Friend Group I Don't Need Their Pity After They Ignored Me For a Year?
“I am 18F. I graduated in 2022. When I graduated, I had a relatively close group of friends. I wasn’t best friends with any of them but I still very much enjoyed their company.
In the first months of 2023, I noticed that our group chat dried up and I was always the one who would ask the others to hang out.
Eventually, I learned through social media that they were still active in a group chat without me and were still hanging out together. I’ll be honest, at the time it did sting and I was kind of hurt, but I took the hint and stopped bothering them.
So, in the same period of time, I dropped out of college for unrelated reasons and accidentally kind of isolated myself from everyone. I’m outgoing I think but I’m not good at maintaining contact so I struggle a lot with making friends. I guess once I get into college again maybe I’ll make them, or maybe not.
It’s Carnival here and I went out to have fun and dance, and unfortunately, I bumped into the partner of one of the people in the friend group. She recognized me and basically dragged me to go to where the rest of the group was.
It was kind of awkward because they kept asking me about how my life was etc so I eventually made some excuse and went away.
For the next few days, they kept sending me messages and reactivated the group chat. I understand their intentions are nice but I really can’t think of any reason why they would suddenly be friendly when they have quite literally ignored me for a year.
So, in a private message to the partner of the friend whom I first had met, I told her that while I appreciated the feeling behind it, I don’t need their pity and am perfectly fine on my own. She told me she didn’t know I felt like that and tried to argue a bit, but eventually, she told me they would leave me alone.
AITJ here? My brother says it was rude of me to accuse them of pitying me out of nowhere, and that I should have just politely recused any contact. I’m starting to question if I could have worded it better.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, they obviously cut you off and then tried to act like nothing happened so that it’s not weird.
They just kept messaging to make themselves feel better and surely talked about you behind your back after what happened. Don’t worry too much, it was better to tell them off. Nothing would have come out of it anyway.” No-Potential-747
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I can very much relate to OP’s story. I lost a very close friend because we simply stopped having similar interests. I tried really hard to keep the group chats and meet-ups going but soon realized I was the ONLY person who was putting in the effort.
Could you have used nicer wording OP? Yes. But ultimately you don’t have any obligation to these people who made the decision a while ago that they didn’t want to keep in contact with you.” Helen_Magnus_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, they cut you off and iced you out.
They created a whole new group chat so they could talk and make plans without you. For an entire year, they ignored your existence. This feels less like pity though and more of them trying to get rid of their guilty conscience. Either way, NTJ.” BigNathaniel69
7. AITJ For Not Allowing My Mother-In-Law To Take Only One Of My Daughters On A Trip?
“My mother-in-law and I have had a bit of a rocky relationship. We have had our ups and downs, but I try my best to get along for the sake of my husband and our kids. My husband and I have two daughters ages six and four and a half.
Let’s call the six-year-old “Holly” and the four-year-old “Ava”.
My main issue with her has been that she very obviously favors Holly, despite playing coy about it. She has also been too overly involved with her. I’ve only recently spoken out about it and my husband has too.
I used to be quiet about it just to get along, but I feel like it could be bad for Ava’s self-esteem.
Onto this specific incident. MIL comes over and tells us (in front of the kids!) about a trip she’s going on. She says she’d like to take Holly, then continues with “Ava isn’t the best at staying out overnight.
That’s the only reason I wouldn’t take Ava, so please don’t get the wrong idea.” This isn’t even true. Ava is perfectly fine sleeping away from home if she’s with someone she knows well.
Holly is already excited and Ava says “not fair” and looks upset.
I say to MIL “Holly isn’t going without Ava!” Now both girls are upset and MIL says she wasn’t trying to cause any trouble, and that she’s now also upset. I ask her to step into the next room away from the girls. I calmly remind her about the favoritism.
However, now Holly is very disappointed, and MIL is posting “hard done by” type of statuses on social media.
AITJ for denying Holly the chance to go on the trip?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. MIL tried to pull a power play by announcing this in front of the kids before getting your permission.
She counted on you giving in. Let her know that if she announces anything in front of the kids before getting your permission first, the answer will always be no. Although, really, it’s your husband who should lay down the law for his mother. You shouldn’t have to play the bad guy to get MIL under control.” extinct_diplodocus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are absolutely in the right to put your foot down and demand equal treatment for your daughters. It is unacceptable for your mother-in-law to show favoritism and make insensitive comments that upset both of your children. Standing up for Ava and not allowing Holly to go on the trip without her is the right thing to do in this situation.
I would, however, strongly recommend not allowing her to go even if the MIL did change her mind, as it is likely that she would continue favoring Holly during the trip, leaving Ava feeling neglected and unloved. Until you see consistent proof that MIL has stopped showing favoritism, you should not allow her to take the kids anywhere alone, even for short durations.
Also, be mindful of your mother-in-law’s influence on your daughters’ relationship and take steps to prevent any division between them. Plus, your mother-in-law’s actions and attempts to garner sympathy through social media only further highlight her inappropriate behavior.” Marigold1245
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. MIL should be speaking to you and your husband first and not bringing this up in front of Holly as that is just trying to manipulate the situation.
Sorry ML, no overnights with either of the kids and I wouldn’t give her unsupervised time with them either. You want to make sure she is treating both girls the same and not isolating Ava when you aren’t around. How would MIL like it if you played favorites with the grandmothers and excluded her!!” IamMaggieMoo
6. AITJ For Forcing My Husband To Wake Up And Talk About Our Issues?
“My (26F) husband (32M) is a heavy drinker. For years, he has been lying to me, manipulating me, and gaslighting me about his drinking.
He has made me feel truly crazy and question my own judgment and ability to identify whether or not he has been drinking. He usually apologizes after an incident, but nothing ever changes for long. I have given him chance after chance to deal with the issues.
Last night, things came to a head. I finally got the courage to confront him in a real way and get him to admit he has been lying to me, manipulating me, and gaslighting me, and I told him that either things change immediately or I am done.
I told him I am finally at my breaking point. I gave him two options: either he seeks immediate help for his addiction and calls our insurance to find a substance use counselor tomorrow (now today), or I am leaving him.
He asked me last night how he can show me he cares, and I repeated that he would have to seek help right away.
Cut to today: he gets home from work around 3:00 pm and acts like things are fine. We watch TV until around 4:00 pm. He gets up to go into the kitchen and then the bedroom, and I get up too to get something from the kitchen.
While we are both in there, I asked him why he’s acting like nothing happened. He asks what I want him to do, and then goes into the bedroom to lie down. I followed him and asked him if he was going to get help or if we are getting divorced. He said he “guesses” he’ll call but that right now he is taking a nap.
I explained that now it is already 4:30 pm and asked when he is going to do it. He said he guesses he’ll do it over the weekend. I asked him why not tomorrow, and he said because he has a music composition due (he is submitting something for a competition).
I asked why he can’t take 10 minutes and call now and said he’s really acting like he doesn’t care about me. He said because right now he is taking a nap and it’s none of my business. He said I have to respect that. I said how he has treated me is my business and that he has been very disrespectful to me.
My issue is that he has been showing me a pattern of disrespect for years over this drinking issue. I am basically asking for scraps by asking him to make a simple phone call. Besides, he asked what he can do to show me he cares!
I told him this was a really simple way to show me he cares about how he has treated me.
He is furious that I “disrespected him” by trying to interrupt his nap (that he hadn’t even started taking–he only laid down and I was in the room immediately after), but I think my “disrespect” is a direct response to his continuous disrespect.
He acted like I am horrible for daring to disrespect his sleep, make any demands, or talk to him past the point when he was done listening, but I thought what I did was reasonable. I hate the way he made me feel like a bad person for responding to his disrespect and constant self-interested actions.
AITJ for disrespecting him and “interrupting” his nap?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but is this really what you’re asking about? If you’re a jerk for preventing your husband from taking a nap? You had a very serious conversation with your husband where you outlined extremely reasonable boundaries, and what you would do if those were not respected. Now it’s time to put up or shut up.
Your husband has given you your answer – he is not willing to seek help for his addiction. He wants things to go back to how they were, and he will work to ensure that is what happens. If you do not take the steps you outlined to divorce him, you will fall back into these patterns.
That is your future.” KBD_in_PDX
Another User Comments:
“You are asking the wrong questions. Your husband is a heavy drinker. So he is acting like one. You already laid out your bottom line to him. His inaction is your answer. He is now betting that you are unwilling to pull the trigger on the divorce.
Stop engaging him and call a divorce attorney. You need advice and to get your affairs in order. Then serve him with divorce papers. You are correct that unless he gets clean, your marriage is over. And you can’t force him to want to get clean.
NTJ and I am sorry.” EconomyReference3193
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You’ve made it very clear to him that his drinking upsets you. While we don’t know the specific details of these “incidents” (which I don’t think you’re necessarily required to share), I think “your drinking makes me concerned/uncomfortable/nervous/scared/etc.” is a reasonable enough answer to justify the upset.
You made the ultimatum and he is trying to prolong it because (in my opinion) he does not want to fix anything. I don’t think he sees any problem here. He wants his cake and to eat it, too. If anything, I would see him brushing this off so plainly as a sign of disrespect.
It shows me that he does not value your feelings or concerns. Your partner should be someone who listens to you and your input. A close friend of mine is in a long-term relationship (almost 10 years) with her partner who had struggled with addiction for a long time.
It was seriously damaging to their relationship. When he got the same ultimatum, he cried and vowed to drop it immediately. He apologized for the pain he was causing her without hesitation. It was a very difficult process to break his addiction, but he was willing to stop for the person he loved. I feel like this is what your husband should be doing here.
You deserve better than this, and you can certainly find it out in this world. You did not disrespect him over his make-believe nap. He disrespected you. Lawyer up and get out of there.” AminoAzid
5. AITJ For Trying To Reclaim Half Of The $160,000 My Husband Secretly Spent On Baseball Cards?
“My husband spent $160,000 “investing” in baseball cards without telling me.
During this same time he would get mad at me for spending money on meal plans or salon services. I would get yelled at for my disrespectful spending and my financial goals not aligning with his, so he’d say. He did most of this spending on his personal credit card which he paid for with our joint account.
For a long time, I didn’t have access to our online banking so I didn’t see the amounts he was paying on his credit card. Whenever I would question a $2 or 4,000 payment he would have some excuse and usually would say it was on the family or grocery store.
He would refuse to show me his statements.
One day, driving to lunch, he mentioned how my friends owed him for the concert tickets I had used his card to buy. I agreed to get the money from them. In mentioning the card though, I remembered just seeing another $4,000 payment come out of our joint.
This was after 2 months ago when he promised he had a $2,000 balance and was going to pay it off and stop using it. So I asked, “I thought it was going to be paid off a couple of months ago?” That was all it took.
He launched into me about how I ruin everything, we can’t just enjoy the day, this is why my relationships never work, on and on and dropped me back off at our house and left. It was this outburst that made me realize there was more going on.
After lots of back and forth and digging and finally getting him to give me access to his credit card statements, I added up $160,000 in 3 years that he spent. I already realize the financial abuse that has taken place on many levels, and there is so much I’m not including.
During all of this, my husband met with a divorce lawyer, then begged ME for another chance. That was about a year ago. We are still together but as you can imagine the financial issues are only one of many issues we have. At the time I realized what he had spent and that I was so ill-prepared for a divorce, I started transferring money from our joint to my personal every month.
My goal, over time, is to take my half back, $80k, and invest how I want to. He was of course mad but I basically said oh well. He should have considered me when he spent it and I was only correcting a wrong. Recently he made sure the money wasn’t in the account when my transfer was scheduled. He did this 2 months in a row and said I could no longer do this.
I waited for the money to be there and did the transfer anyway. He went nuts. Telling me I’m a rat, he’s selling the house, dissolving our business, etc, etc. He says that it’s wrong for me to go tit for tat and that I should let it go.
The money is just sitting in my account as I have not spent any of it. Am I the jerk for trying to take my half back over time?”
Another User Comments:
“INFO: Have you actually seen this baseball card collection? I mean, it sounds like he was spending it on other things.
In addition, I would insist on the receipts, not just the credit card. I would Google the business on the cc, as it sounds like he was spending it elsewhere. Aside from that, dump him, claw back your money in the divorce, and live a better life.
I all but guarantee that his divorce consultant told him that you wouldn’t pay him alimony and that you had grounds for financial abuse and mental cruelty. NTJ.” Horror-Friendship-30
Another User Comments:
“This read like an OP desperately hoping some strangers will tell them it’s okay to go get a divorce.
Break the silence OP, talk to your family and friends, reach out to people. He was happy to use your money for what he wanted and abuse you for your small purchases. Get out and be free. Make sure there aren’t other debts in your name.
Talk to a lawyer. Lock down your money. Write up a will. ” Rohini_rambles
Another User Comments:
“You need to talk to an attorney who knows a good forensic accountant because you have no idea where that money went and you need to find out.
It could be spent, but it could be hidden away and saved, or he may be floating your business on credit and not telling you. So many shenanigans, but if the money is coming from a joint account, there is no “your half” that you’re entitled to recover.
Anything spent is actually gone, and you’d only be entitled to a share of the remaining assets regardless of whose name the credit cards are in, also may be liable for “his” debts. I hope you’ve picked up from other answers here just how vulnerable and risky the situation is and you need to protect yourself, your children, and your future.” TitsMcGeeMD
4. AITJ For Spending More On My Birthday Dinner Than My Partner Does On Hers?
“My partner and I have been together for 3 years.
Since we started seeing each other we have a tradition of paying for each other’s dinner for our birthdays. We don’t have a limit on how much that meal would cost.
My partner doesn’t drink, she at most has a mocktail or sparkling water.
I usually pay $100-150 for both of us for her birthday dinner. My birthday was 2 days ago and we went out. I drink which my partner doesn’t like and she thinks it’s a waste of money. But it’s my birthday and she agreed to pay for everything.
I had 8 drinks and a steak and dessert at a steakhouse which cost about $200 and with her $70 meal it came to $310 with tips.
She didn’t say anything at the time but last night blew up at me for drinking so much, and expected me to cover it.
I defended myself because it was technically unlimited and no I wasn’t intoxicated, I have a pretty high tolerance so it’s not fair I can’t enjoy myself. She is pretty frugal so she thinks it’s a crazy amount and I was a jerk for leaving her with this high of a bill.
We agreed we would pay for each other’s meals and drinks and it’s not my fault she doesn’t normally get more than one drink and it’s not booze so it’s cheaper. But she has been ignoring me and refusing to talk it out.
If she’s that upset I’ll reimburse her for my portion but then that’s the end of our “tradition.””
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but not for taking advantage of the situation. A deal is a deal. If this was a “contract” you’d have caveats for anything off base.
I assume you didn’t so you’re not “bound” to honor what I would call an assumed agreement of fairness. But that’s why YTJ. Instead of dealing with the real issue here (apparently you have VERY different definitions of what an acceptable level of drinking is) you pushed the envelope—not only by making her come along for your 8 (seriously bro, EIGHT!?) drinks but making her pay for it.
Passive aggressive AF. You did this spoiling for a fight and you got one. You’re mad about being reined on your drinking so you pushed back like this? YTJ.” vinnie_barbell_ino
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Even if there’s “no limit” there should be an understanding of keeping it relatively consistent.
The tradition is paying for a nice dinner, not paying for you to go get intoxicated (I don’t care how much tolerance you have, 8 drinks is a LOT and not in line with any normal dinner in my book). One or two drinks, sure. To be honest I would consider having 8 drinks on a date when the other person isn’t drinking to be jerk behavior on its own, even without the money angle.” MikhailGorbachef
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You had 8 drinks with someone who doesn’t drink, and more than doubled what you spent on her last time for her turn. Reimburse her, and next time only have one or two on her dime. The rest should have been on a separate check if you were insistent on drinking that much.
Also, having 8 drinks and saying you weren’t intoxicated is a red flag all on its own. It sounds like you two have a fundamental difference in your views on booze consumption.” Discount_Mithral
3. AITJ For Being Upset My Dad Skipped My Concert For A Day With My Sister?
“For context, my (15f) parents are no longer together and my dad lives a good 40 minutes away, my little sister and I have different moms and my dad is no longer with her mom, my dad had her for her spring break last week.
I’m in an orchestra and last week we had a concert, I had been talking about this concert for months and my dad (44) said he would make it. Five minutes before I was supposed to go on stage he texted me saying that he couldn’t make it to my concert.
I was disappointed but just thought that it was due to traffic.
He got to take me for the weekend and on the car ride over there (I was with my stepmother) my little sister said she and my dad had a daddy-daughter day the same day I had my performance.
I was so angry to hear he canceled on me for my younger sister.
I talked with him later when I saw him and he asked why I was getting so worked up over nothing, I told him of course I was angry. He looked dumbfounded and told me I was being bratty, that he missed one day of my life (he missed many days just saying), and said I was angry over nothing.
The more I think about it the more I feel like I am a brat but I don’t know. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This was an event he knew about way in advance and it’s not something that you can reschedule around his availability.
He could do a daddy-daughter day any of his days. I would be upset too if I was you. He’s trying to act like he didn’t overcommit his time and fail to deliver on a commitment to you.” DMCanuck
Another User Comments:
“NTJ or the brat.
Your dad lied to you by saying he would be there. Then he didn’t tell you he wasn’t coming until five minutes before show time cause he’s a coward (didn’t want you to call to find out why I’m sure).
He belittled your accomplishment (your concert). And then had the nerve to call you names when you weren’t totally fine about him missing your concert?! Nope. I’d ask him “if you’re not there for my smaller accomplishments what makes you think I’d want you there for the bigger ones when I’m older?”” Old_Beach2325
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. “Why I was getting so worked up over nothing.” It’s not nothing, it was a really important event for you. Your father calling it nothing is so heartbreaking. Something you are passionate about, talented, and proud of is nothing to him.
He missed an important event that meant a lot to you and doesn’t care. “Told me I was being bratty, that he missed one day of my life (he missed many days just saying).” Call him out. He didn’t miss one day. He missed many days that were important for you.
He is not there for you. He is a pretty bad father. Keep receipts of all the events that he has missed. Tell him all the events he has missed when he denies it. He will have nothing to say. You are not a brat, and missing an important event is not nothing.
He has shown you countless of times that you are not his priority, he doesn’t care that he missed it, doesn’t care if he hurts you and he casually dismisses and attacks you by being rightfully upset and calling him out.” Ace_boy08
2. AITJ For Not Inviting My Eldest Half-Brother To My Wedding?
“I, a 30-year-old female, am marrying my fiance, a 29-year-old male, in two months. I have 3 siblings: a 25-year-old brother named Sam, a 37-year-old sister named Sara, and a 42-year-old brother named Jake.
My mom got pregnant at 18 and gave birth to my eldest brother, Jake. Jake and I are half-siblings. Due to our age gap, I never really bonded with my eldest brother. When I was 6 years old, he went to college.
He used to call Mom and Dad (his stepdad) regularly to ask about me and my other siblings.
But that’s it, nothing more than just normal “how are you” and “what are you doing”. We never really hung out with him. Only my sister Sara was close to him, they used to talk a lot, unlike me and Sam. Whenever he visited us, he used to bring chocolates and gifts for us.
And take me and my other siblings to lunch and dinner. As I grew up we started to drift apart. On the other hand, I have a very good relationship with my other siblings. Currently, Jake and I only talk like once a month.
Now to the main issue, I am getting married to the love of my life.
And we have planned a small wedding, nothing big or extravagant. We are saving for a home and honeymoon. Since it is a small wedding, both of us have decided to only invite close friends and family members. I have invited 4 friends and mom, dad, Sara, Sam, and my grandmother from the father’s side (only grandparent alive).
When I broke this news to the family, all chaos broke loose. I was expecting my mom to be upset that I didn’t invite my brother but almost everyone was upset, including Sam which I didn’t expect.
So it turns out Sam wanted to become a software engineer and Jake was a software engineer.
For that reason, he and Jake started to talk more and Jake guided Sam in his journey of becoming a software engineer. I, on the other hand, am a lawyer. I didn’t know they reconnected.
All of them are saying I cannot do this to Jake and he is also family.
I have talked to Jake and he said he is fine with not being invited but would appreciate if I reconsidered my decision as I was invited to his wedding.
My fiance is fine with inviting Jake but I think only people who should be part of the wedding are the ones who love you and care about you.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. So… your much older brother has always been inclusive of you, never abused or bullied you, and talks to you every month. And for that crime, you are excluding him from your wedding whilst inviting literally everyone else. Just because you’re not the center of his universe, you’re throwing a tantrum that he doesn’t love you when all he’s done is be loving, albeit older.
Why is it on HIM to do the work? What about YOU? What have you ever done to connect with him? You should be utterly ashamed of yourself, and your pathetic outlook. Grow up.” Cursd818
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your brother hasn’t done anything to you to deserve to be excluded, and you give no reasons that would indicate he has ever harmed you or excluded you in any way.
You literally invited everyone else in your family except him. There is NO way that wouldn’t hurt his feelings, and you knew this. Anyone in his situation would be hurt. I have siblings 22 years younger than me and regardless of how small I planned my wedding to be, I would never invite my parents and every sibling except one unless that sibling had hurt or scorned me in some way that deserved them being outcast.” inara_pond
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You went to some incredible detail that all frankly amounts to nothing. Sure he’s the oldest, a big age gap, we all get that. He was in a different part of life when you were growing up we all understand that.
But it sounds like he did his best to try to keep in touch etc. and I’m sure it was hard. Congratulations on the nuclear option here though, you literally don’t have room to include him? My dad is the oldest of six, similar type of age gap as well, but he and the youngest brother have a pretty good relationship and would never consider not inviting each other to major events.
Of course you have room to invite him, no matter how small and intimate the wedding is. He is your brother. You’re making some sort of point, and it’s a pretty bad one. The fact that everyone in your life is telling you that, get ready we’re all blasting you.
How close are you to even Sam if you didn’t even know he wanted to be an engineer, and then he reconnected with Jake? I hope your fiancé realizes what a complete jerk you are.” dart1126
1. AITJ For Not Letting My Niece Visit Our Uninsured House?
“My husband and I have had the great fortune to finally buy a house of our own. We close escrow later this month. For context we’re in our late thirties, husband has educational debt, and we struggled for a long time. Between saving all I could and my folks giving us a free place to stay, we found something we could afford that’s humble but in our community in an HCOL area.
Here’s where I might be the jerk. No one is required to give us money of course, but his side of the family gave us nothing. They also demand we travel and spend money to spend time as a family, which is nice but when we’re saving for a house they didn’t really care/guilted us and we had to put flights on a credit card for example to keep the peace.
Now they’re coming to town and want to see the house. Exciting but we’re not closed on escrow yet and we don’t have an active home insurance policy either. There are some parts of the outside area of the house that need fixing and could be dangerous to our small niece.
I asked them to have her stay back and we’ll have everyone over once we’re settled.
They have been trying to barter and bargain their way around this. It’s a boundary and I think it’s a prudent one given the circumstances.
On top of that, these fairly well-off people in my husband’s family couldn’t spare any cash when we really needed it to secure the closing costs (I had a backup funding situation that we went with but it’s going to cost me part of my retirement account – not ideal).
I feel insulted that they both didn’t offer to help and wanted to violate our boundaries too. So his relatives are coming and the niece is going to stay in the car… she’s not even 4 yet so I’m not sure how it’s going to work out.
My husband thinks I’m being obtuse by not allowing our niece into the property but I think it’s being responsible given the potential liability. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Unless I’m mistaken, this isn’t your property until you’ve closed. It’s the property of the people you’re buying from.
If you’re on that property without permission, it’s trespassing. And if someone is hurt, it’s THEIR insurance that’s going to take the hit.” FuzzyMom2005
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This is all so resolvable by communication. Who has family tour a house before they’ve even moved in?
Tell them no until you’ve moved in. Why, as someone in your thirties, do you feel entitled to receive any money towards your house? No one is entitled to that but it’s ultra delusional at that age. This all feels like you’re too spiteful about the money to even have a pleasant visit with them anyway.” East-Canary-538
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. And I am saying that not because you don’t want your niece on the property but because you’re CLEARLY using your young niece to exact some kind of “revenge” on the family that didn’t give you money. You say that no one is required to give you money “of course” and then in the very next breath you are obviously upset that these “well off people couldn’t spare any cash when we needed it” and you spend more time in your post talking about how they wouldn’t give you money or “guilted you” into spending money you didn’t want to (which is totally on you) than you do about the supposed “safety” issues.
If they’re coming to see the house and you’re not even moved in yet, it’s likely going to be a very quick visit. I highly doubt they’re going to let their 4-year-old just run around unsupervised around the exterior property while you look at the house.
Just remind them of the potential hazards and maybe ask that they keep hold of the 4-year-old if they go outside.” MaggieMae68
Tell them no. It a complete sentence. Until you close it's not your house anyway. Tell your husband to grow a spine, and tell his family, they can come when they are invited, ONLY.
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