People Ask Us To Despairingly Evaluate Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
23. AITJ For Not Defending My Project Groupmate From Our Prof?
“I (20 M) am in a computer science course for college on operating systems. I was assigned this random group project partner (20 F) and we were working on a project for most of the semester.
We had decided to organize the project in a way that she would do core parts and I would do plug-in modules that depend on her core.
However, since she did her parts in a convoluted way, it was hard for me to understand it and when I couldn’t get it to work she had to do them as well.
We got into an argument and she claimed it wasn’t convoluted.
I then paid a tutor who advised me and said he could help but that the project would be easier to do in Rust compared to C++. She agreed to redo the project in Rust if I converted everything we had so far myself and she’d help out with the last part.
We got permission from the professor to do it in Rust instead. The tutor then helped me convert her code to Rust which counted as my part.
However, when it finally came to doing the last part she said she had no time to work with me on it as she didn’t know Rust well enough and had some ballet competition the weekend of the deadline.
She offered to finish it in the C++ version but I told her it was OK. I then got it done with the help of the tutor and submitted the project.
Since the Rust code was all written by me in the statement of contribution I had to state that I did all the code and she contributed to the design process and report.
However, the prof took that as her not contributing as only the code is actually graded and decided to give her a 0 on the project which would lead to her failing the class as it is 70% of the grade.
She now wants me to come talk to the professor with her and is upset at me for refusing.
The way I see it it is not really my problem and I don’t want to face any trouble. She did already tell the prof that she had done the older C++ code we didn’t submit.
AITJ here? She’s pretty upset at me and seems to blame me when it is the prof’s decision.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She did a lot of it in C++ and you couldn’t figure it out. So you hired a tutor and she agreed to you redoing it in Rust. That doesn’t make you ‘equal’. That still leaves you doing your part. She’s not responsible for you not understanding C++, you are.
Otherwise she might as well just have done the whole thing in C++ to begin with. She even offered to do that and you declined. The fact that you seem to think she has a lack of contribution is incredibly selfish. You used a tutor… She didn’t and offered to do that whole thing in C++.
100% YTJ” Impressive_Promise96
Another User Comments:
“I came into this prepared to go NTJ. But you ARE. YTJ in a massive way. She DID do the work. Now I don’t know if it was convoluted or not, I have no way of confirming that. But you ABSOLUTELY SHOULD support her in saying that she DID do the work.
You chose to go another way rather than understand her work, and fine, whatever, but you absolutely could have worked with her on how her code was written and asked her to fix areas you didn’t understand or at least explain them. If nothing else, her code should be graded for what it was.
Here’s the bottom line, as a programmer, you’re going to work with a lot of teams over the years, I used to do software development oversight for the DoD (Department of Defense) as a project manager, and if this is how you SUPPORT YOUR TEAM, you’re a LIABILITY in any office.
She. Did. The. Work. You won’t back her up on that? You SUCK. And you absolutely know you WOULD do it if she were one of your friends instead of just someone you had to do a project with.” RobertTheWorldMaker
22. AITJ For Not Feeding My Housemate's Cousin?
“I live in a house split 3 ways. I get along with my housemates and I think we have pretty good established boundaries. We share the grocery bill but do agree to have specific parts of the fridge to put groceries we don’t want to share (and subtract from the shared amount).
We’re all pretty chill with each other and do be quoting things at each other like ‘Screw ’em, kids, gosh… couldn’t be me!’ etc. We have a very playful, casual relationship with each other.
One of my housemates, let’s say, Rhea, often has her baby cousin over a lot.
I think she’s 8 or 10? We don’t mind having guests or consistent guests over but I did say as long as no kind of babysitting on my part is involved I don’t mind.
The issue came when every time I made a snack or meal for myself her little cousin would come SPRINTING to me and wait for me to make her a plate.
I always tell her ‘Nuh uh, this is for me, you need to go ask your cousin’. Normally this doesn’t cause an issue until today
I was making mac and cheese for myself this morning and her little cousin, who I didn’t know was here, came by and started to loudly do that thing where kids are like ‘Oh.
I like that. My mom lets me eat that. It looks yummy. I ignore this as it’s just a kid being a kid. I clean up and take my food with me upstairs to my room and chill. Rhea knocked on my door a bit later and asked if she could talk to me.
I said sure what’s up and she grumpily asked why I was always making food for myself. Now I’m confused and ask what she means and she points out how I never bother to share or make a snack for her little cousin. I reminded her that this ain’t my child and we agreed no form of babysitting duty on me if she was going to be having her little cousin over a lot.
She points out that groceries are shared and I say yes, the ingredients are shared but not who has to cook them.
Rhea sighed and said yea yea… screw you, cold-hearted witch (playfully) and since we were being playful I did the ‘Man… screw ’em kids!’ thing and she got cold.
Asked why I would say such a thing about her little cousin. I clarified that I was just quoting an audio like how we always do but she very sternly told me to never say some stuff like that to her again.
AITJ? It went from playful to now her being kinda cold and a bit passive-aggressive like loudly asking if someone’s hungry and wants food.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your housemate is probably defensive since the cousin was likely upset, but you have no obligation to look after her cousin. Now sure if it was me and only occasionally (say once or twice a week) I’d probably just make the snack for them to keep the peace but I understand being frustrated with it being frequent.
I’d recommend organizing a chat between the three of you (maybe just you and the housemate to start) to explain why you don’t want to make snacks all the time and explain to the cousin that she has to go to the housemate for snacks and not you.
Slightly unrelated but if the cousin is 10 surely she can make her snacks? Not extravagant stuff but there are plenty of snacks that don’t require sharp knives and/or an oven.” PapayaPea
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it sounds like this kid is over very often and if she’s going to host her cousin then she needs to be responsible for feeding her.
Do you as housemates not share food you cook with the shared ingredients? If not, then it doesn’t make sense why she’d expect you to share the effort you put into feeding yourself, with her guest. But if you do share, it makes sense she’d expect you to share with her guest who is a child, though that does cut into your shared costs and adds up over time, which she needs to compensate for.
Also, she’s the one who called you a cold-hearted witch, jokingly, so she’s in no place to take offense to this inside joke. Yes, it’s directed towards her family but she set the tone by insulting you, ‘jokingly.’
Also, it’s really rude for this child to come sprinting to you and expecting you to do something for her.
She’s just a kid and she’s probably used to being around adults who are nurturing to her and prioritize her but your housemate needs to explain to her that that’s not the case when she’s over her place and that she’s around adults who aren’t expected to care for her and do these things for her.
Kids do need to learn that while sharing is encouraged, people are within their right to not share their things if they don’t want to, kids don’t have to share a toy they’re not done playing with, and kids and people alike have to wait their turn and learn to accept when someone doesn’t want to share their things.
She’s old enough and your housemate expecting you to share your resources and labor for a child you expressed wanting 0 responsibility for is not doing her cousin any favors.
People just expect people to fawn over kids because they’re kids. Not everyone loves kids, not everyone wants to care for others’ kids, and not everyone wants to entertain kids.
And your housemate needs to respect that.” Regular-Coast7158
21. AITJ For Snapping At My Overweight Friend?
“I (23 F) have a best friend (22 F) (Jen) who I’ve been friends with since the third grade. Jen has always been a bit overweight, but in recent years she has put on a lot of weight. (She’s 5’4 and 300 lbs). I have never once throughout our friendship made comments about her weight or treated her differently.
In the past year, I noticed Jen bringing up her weight more often in conversation. We went on a road trip once with a few of our other friends, and she seemed to want people to insult her during the trip. During one of our longer drives, she ate the majority of our road trip food, but no one honestly cared. Until she brought it up.
Jen said, ‘I’m so fat, I ate so much when [our other friend, May] spent so much time preparing it.’ May just said, ‘No worries, the food was made to be eaten.’ I added, ‘Yeah, and we’re only an hour away now, it’s no big deal.’ She brought it up a few more times during the drive, and we all just brushed it off and told her it wasn’t a big deal.
Little instances like this started happening more often, and I honestly felt like I needed to walk on eggshells whenever we hung out. It was almost like she wanted me to slip up and say something fatphobic. At this point, 90% of our conversations had become about people bullying her because of her weight.
Recently, Jen told me her doctor prescribed her Ozempic for weight loss. She told me she was worried about what others would think, and I told her that she didn’t have to tell anyone. A week later, Jen told me she told a few friends about Ozempic and that one of them was being judgemental because they asked if the injections were working.
Jen was crying when she told me and I tried to be sympathetic. But she literally blabs about all of her personal issues to everyone, and this wouldn’t have happened if she kept her medical issues private. Jen tells everyone about the antidepressants she’s using, and how she struggles with her eating, depression, anxiety, etc. I used to think that she only told me, but she has literally been venting to everyone.
During one of our conversations, Jen was bad-mouthing one of our friends (Emma) because Emma said, according to Jen, ‘It’s hard for me to gain weight,’ I kind of snapped at her. Jen said that Emma was being fatphobic (I am also close with Emma and I know she struggles with a metabolic disorder.) I told Jen that everyone has their own issues and the world doesn’t revolve around her weight.
I then brought up the instance of our road trip and told Jen that she was almost instigating a problem when there wasn’t one. I then told her to stop acting like a victim when she has several close friends who love her regardless, and that I was tired of walking on eggshells around her.
Jen started crying, told me that I was just as superficially judgmental as people who bullied her for her weight, and that she never wanted to speak to me again. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“That sounds exhausting. It’s clear Jen wants some form of validation that she’s not getting and doesn’t know how to ask for.
Unfortunately, she can’t rely on you to read her mind. By making everything about her weight, she’s creating a self-fulfilling prophecy that all people see in her is her weight. Hopefully, she is able to hear the message behind your frustration and reflect that maybe her behavior needs to change a little.
You’re NTJ, and hopefully, she stops being one to herself (and you and her friends).” Equivalent-Board206
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did nothing wrong! As a bigger person, it is easy to be worried about how you are perceived. It’s not nice when others make comments, but this isn’t that.
Your ‘friend’ is talking about someone else problems with food, while simultaneously complaining about how others do the same to her. Insulting someone because they or too skinny or too fat is the same thing, this is an example of an over-sensitive narcissist who just wants attention.
Seems like the new victim culture where everyone has to be a victim of some wrongdoing to get sympathy from their peers.” User
20. AITJ For Asking My Neighbor To Close Their Doors When Their Baby Is Crying?
“I live in an apartment which is in one of two buildings on the same block of land. The other building has an apartment with a young family with two children, one is about 3 years old, and a new infant of less than a year.
During the global crisis, the 3-year-old was an infant, he cried all the time and the noise would reverberate between the buildings into all the apartments on our side. It completely made everyone mad but we all let it slide.
Now they have a new infant that, like the other one, is constantly crying, whining, and moaning at all hours.
But they keep their doors and windows open so the sound travels straight into all our apartments.
I get along famously with all the neighbours and they’ve all said they’re getting fed up with the noise too. We agreed that if they just shut their doors while the infant is shrieking, it would take the edge off things.
The other thing is that they let their kids stay up very late. It’ll be 11 pm and I’ll still hear the 3-year-old throwing toys and the infant chiming in with an attention-seeking whine.
So it seems like the kids are probably not sleeping on a normal schedule and are irritable throughout the day, hence the crying.
For the further back story, I’ve been recovering from a brain tumor and I am more sensitive to noise than I would be normally. So when the kid shrieks, I really feel it deeply.
I’m also getting my career back on track and working from home.
I can’t count how many times the little demon spawn has screamed uncontrollably while I was on a video call or regular phone call.
In general, all our neighbors are generally pretty good at speaking up when something is bothering them. We don’t do the passive-aggressive thing and we all appreciate directness.
So I crossed paths with the mother of the kids the other day and was polite and friendly. I told her I know it must be tough with young kids at home and I asked her if she’d be kind enough to shut the doors for the times when the kids are screaming, and then reopen them when they settle down.
She just sort of looked at me awkwardly and was like ‘Ok then’ (translation: how dare you ask me that). (Mother is leaving doors open when they scream so I assume that means her answer is no.)
I’ve been hesitant to make a bigger deal out of it even though it’s single-handedly disrupting the vibe across 17 other apartments.
I honestly don’t have an issue with the kids because I know kids are going to cry. The issue is that the parents don’t seem to care about other residents and are not interested in trying to work with us.
AITJ for suggesting a solution to the mother?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you might consider crowd-sourcing the solution. Talk with your neighbors and create a rotating schedule for people to go to their apartment when the baby is screaming and ask them to shut their windows and doors to minimize disruption to the entire complex.
This gives the request and the awareness of its impact in real-time, repeatedly, and from multiple sources.
It’s easy to write off the one neighbor you think is unreasonable. It’s much harder to write off the same request coming from every neighbor, over and over, every time your kid screams and you have the house wide open.
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Since you have already asked politely to close the windows and doors just to be ignored, I suggest you talk with the other neighbors to be sure you are on the same page and then contact the landlord. Ask him/her if they can come to your apartment to discuss something in person.
Hopefully, it will be a loud day. Explain that you already asked politely to close everything to reduce the noise but have been ignored. Let them know it interferes with your work, and you are not the only tenant unhappy with the noise. Give them the names of the other tenants they can contact if desired. If 18 tenants have the same complaint, they will probably do something about it.
That would possibly be a lot of revenue lost if you were all to move out and a lot of negative reviews versus doing something about a single tenant.” bookworm-1960
19. AITJ For Staying At My Daughters' Sleepover With Their Cousins?
“I’m a single mom to 2 girls (13 and 10). Their dad passed 5 years ago.
My youngest has a lot of health issues. I won’t go into it for privacy reasons but she’s been in hospitals all of her life. She’s currently on the transplant list for a new heart.
My family refuses to help with my youngest. The only person willing to babysit is my mom but she has a hard 4-hour limit and only a couple times a month.
I have to be there for her to see her cousins. They are very involved with my oldest and take her everywhere with their kids.
The other day they invited my oldest to sleep over. My youngest wanted to sleep over too so I asked and they said the only way she can sleep over is if I sleep over too.
I wanted her to have a cousin’s sleepover experience so I said yes.
My oldest didn’t love the idea of my youngest staying too but she was furious when I told her I’d be staying the night so my youngest could participate in the sleepover.
She told me I was going to ruin it.
I told her I wouldn’t be hanging out with them, I just needed to be there so her sister could also stay. She told me to keep her home because she didn’t want me there.
I told her it wasn’t her decision and spent the night there.
The kids all spent the night in the loft and I stayed in my niece’s room off the loft. I didn’t interact with the kids except for when my youngest needed her meds but my oldest is still mad and insists that I ruined it.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, mainly because your story says your older daughter already goes everywhere with her cousins. It seems to me the oldest is getting a lot of quality time with the cousins, while the younger daughter is getting left out a lot because of her heart condition, so you were trying to even the scale a bit.
I won’t call your older daughter a jerk, though, because she is at a tricky age and may feel the younger daughter is grabbing more of your attention, so some resentment could be building. While not ideal, it is a very human reaction to have, especially for a young adolescent.” bunnyhop2005
Another User Comments:
“Hard call. I can understand the youngest wanting to go, and her being left out all the time isn’t fair – yet you somewhat pushed the youngest into the situation. Just because she asked isn’t enough of a reason to impose. I can not imagine what you are going through with her health issues, and I am sure you would move heaven and earth to give her anything she wants at this point.
Yet you also have a teenager who is getting to those emotional years. Could be that the same strain you feel with your youngest’s health issues is just as big of a strain on her too. Could be she wanted some ‘time away’ from being the older sister of a sick child.
Please consider speaking to doctors for support groups, etc – you might be able to find some type of assistance that can help with child care that would be more than 2 four hour stints a month. Time for you, and time for your 13-year-old to have your undivided attention.
For all you are dealing with – whether you completely understand – she is most likely feeling like she is ‘paying’ for her sister’s ill health – so much so that she can’t even have a sleepover without her. Talk to her, tell her you are sorry, and maybe you were wrong, yet you need to work together to figure things out moving forward.
In the end, soft YTJ.” CornerSevere
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you haven’t done a very good job of instilling empathy in your older child. She is 13 and doesn’t want her little sister tagging along, I get that. But if she’s on the transplant list, it seems that she could be a little more understanding, unless you haven’t shared the seriousness of the situation with her.
I feel for your situation. But your older daughter also might feel like she’s getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop as she may see you ignoring her and being completely wrapped up in your youngest. This frequently happens in families with special needs kids.
Why does no one want to help you? Does your daughter have physical limitations that require specialized care and it’s just too intimidating for the rest of your family? Need more info.
What I can say for sure is things are only going to get worse with your relationship without some sort of intervention.
Family therapy, now. You and your oldest need to learn how to communicate, to begin with. Whining about how you’ll ruin everything isn’t acceptable in my book. Your answer is just as important.
My youngest had medical problems that required more of my attention than the older ones, and despite thinking I was doing a good job, I recently found that my oldest 2 resent both me and their brother for me ‘babying’ him all the time at the other’s expense and have held onto that resentment for 20 years.
I wish I’d known then. Finding out 20 years later is not much help.” cordelia1955
18. AITJ For Being Mad At My Friend For Leaving Me During A Night Out?
“So I went out for a drink with my friend to a bar. When it was closing we met a man whom we chatted with and he invited us back to his place.
My friend and I agreed to go and have a couple of drinks there.
I had consumed about 5 drinks by this time (only beers), and outside the bar, the man made some comments about whether I was interested in sleeping with him and he also touched me on my backside.
I told him no ( I’m straight).
My friend wanted to go back to his place, and, I thought it would be fine to still go to the house (Also my judgment was bad due to the drinks). This is when things get weird.
Once inside the house, the man brought out a packet of white powder.
I don’t use illegal stuff, so I declined.
That’s the last coherent thing I can remember. I got sick fast. Cold sweats and just constant vomiting. I couldn’t stand and every time I tried to move, I would just vomit ( in the toilet). It was to the point where it was just severe heaving with nothing coming out.
I remember my friend helping me out of the house and saying something about me being spiked.
My friend called an Uber for me and I got inside and needed to leave it almost immediately because I could not stop vomiting.
My friend by this point couldn’t wait to leave (I think to go and try and meet some friends somewhere else for a house party) and by the time I was out of the Uber, she was gone.
I’m not sure how long it took me to get home, but at some point, I stopped being sick in the street and organized an Uber. I can’t remember anything about this part. Just to note, we live in a big city
The next morning the friend rang me and said that she had tried to call me all night (I had no missed calls and my phone was on the whole time).
She mentioned that she was considering coming out and looking for me. I don’t believe her.
Maybe I was emotional because of what happened, but I got pretty angry over text and called her selfish for just leaving me to get back home on my own.
Even though she called a taxi for me.
AITJ in this situation and overreacting? My friend is sharing that I am overreacting and she did enough by getting a cab.”
Another User Comments:
“If your friend thought you were spiked she should have stayed with you until you were safe at the hospital (the right choice) or at least at home through the night.
If she wasn’t able to look after you herself, she should have called for more backup than an Uber. I guarantee there is someone in your phone who would have dropped everything to come to you if she reached out to them. Maybe she was scared or just over the chaos, but if she was going to bail she should have called for help regardless.
There isn’t a house party on earth that would make me leave a friend in that condition. NTJ.” jeffbezos_eatsmyass
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She left you high and dry (literally) in a situation that very much could have cost you your life. For her to lie about trying to contact you make it worse cause the girl just said you felt like I could handle it.
She did NOT do enough by calling a cab, she should have called the COPS and gave them the needed information and made sure you got to a hospital to get checked out in case that man did end up violating you. She’s trash and doesn’t care about your well-being AT ALL.” Familiar_Pie8610
17. AITJ For Refusing To Sleep On A Single Mattress On The Floor?
“My group of friends and I decided to travel during Easter week. In total, there are 7 people, 3 couples and me.
When we considered this trip (3 months before), a couple, Logan and James (both 30ish) said they wouldn’t go, so we looked for a house with 3 bedrooms and not 4 as usual. I have no problems with that, by the way.
With 3 weeks left until the trip, they said they would like to go, we even tried looking for other houses, but the good ones were already occupied and the rest were bad. We told them that it only has three rooms, but it is possible to go with 7 people (I checked with the host and he said that 8 people can sleep in the house).
It would be a 4-day trip.
When we arrived at the house, there were 3 bedrooms as expected, a single mattress and a sofa. We were deciding who would sleep where and when I saw that James and Logan would have a room, I made it very clear that I would sleep in a room with a bed not on the floor.
They started saying that they were a couple and they didn’t have a double mattress for them, so I was being irrational in wanting to have a double bed when I didn’t need it.
I replied that I didn’t take the road for 6 hours to sleep, wake up with back pain, and paid to have a room, but that one of them is welcome to sleep with me in the bed, I don’t care.
They said they paid more than me, so they also have the right to a room (they didn’t pay, they just paid for each one).
I agreed, but they confirmed it was only 3 weeks before, so that’s what they got and I didn’t want to sleep on the floor.
In the end, I kept my ground and James slept on the mattress and Logan on the couch.
The trip was good, apart from some snide comment or other saying that I was being incoherent and that I could sleep on the mattress peacefully. The rest of us remained neutral, taking advantage of the discussion to entertain ourselves.
I don’t think I was wrong here, they had the chance to have a room to themselves. but they refused and then went back, I may have paid ‘less’, but I paid for a room just like the other two couples and if they arrived later, I don’t think they necessarily should have the double bed (aka room) to my disadvantage.
AITJ?
To be clear, we thought it was a double mattress, the owner of the house did not specify what these 2 extra places would be.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But out of curiosity, how did you guys split the cost of the house? By room or by person?
Like if it cost $600 for 3 rooms, did every room go for $200? If each of them paid as much as you did (so in fact double what you paid), and the other couples did too, then I could see why they felt entitled to a room.
But, either way, all of this should have been worked out ahead of time and they are completely responsible for their less-than-desirable sleeping situation, given they changed their mind.
I’d feel disadvantaged and resentful if I was coerced into giving up my room when I arranged the accommodation and friends are only complaining now because they couldn’t commit before.” Britt_Nikole
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if they wanted to avoid this very situation, they should have joined in sooner. If you join in the trip after accommodations have been booked, you get what is left. Using the ‘but we are a couple and you are single’ card is a low-grade entitlement, the only response to that would have been ‘Yup, you’re a couple that tacked yourself onto the trip after we could have changed the accommodations and will have to deal with the result of your indecisiveness’.” ComplexSyrup8848
16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Take My Best Friend To An After-Party?
“I’m friends with a few high-profile musicians who have a big gig in my city in a few days. In the past, after the concerts, I usually met up with them and we hung out and had a drink.
One of my best friends (who’s never met said musicians) will come to watch the show with me. She’s a fan of the band. She is a lovely person, but one thing that bothers me about her is that she is obsessed with potentially meeting someone she can fall in love with or hook up with.
Whenever she meets a guy she remotely likes, she gets super physical – in a kinda pushy way – batting her eyelashes, twirling her hair, getting very close to them, and laughing loudly. It’s gotten to a point where I feel super conscious of her behaviour and at the same time weirdly responsible for introducing her to a man she could like.
When I told her about the possibility of hanging out with the guys after the gig, she immediately said something along the lines of ‘Oh maybe there will be a man for me then!’ The thing is: This is a confidential environment, these guys already have to deal with enough women throwing themselves around their necks.
I don’t want to be the one to bring someone in who is just interested in flirting and fangirling, it makes me feel kind of embarrassed.
As a result of that, I told her that there won’t be an after-party and I am now planning to just go on my own – to avoid conflict.
My partner just told me that this was a jerk move.
So, judge me please, AITJ for not wanting to take her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but also, why lie? Just say the backstage events are invite-only and she doesn’t have one, and you as a guest cannot give her one.
You could say, if you need an excuse, that it’s a security issue, a fire marshal issue (number of attendees allowed), but… you could also say neutrally without accusing her about her behavior: The backstage events are only for known friends and are not ‘plus one’ events because there are too many fangirls throwing themselves at the musicians, and they are not interested in that kind of event.
They just want to celebrate with a few people they know, rather than fend off groupies. But. Do not call her a groupie, just say that ‘some people are like that’ and you can even say, ‘Oh of course I know you aren’t like that!
But, the band sets the rules. I am so sorry!'” ThisGardenGrows
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you bring her along and she winds up being a nuisance and creeping on people, trying to land a man, you might find that you are quietly dropped from their guest list for future shows due to HER thirsty behavior.
I wouldn’t want to deal with that either. Just go and enjoy the after-party. Who cares if you lied to her? This isn’t a job opportunity or something equally important you’re excluding her from, it’s a private party that she wasn’t invited to, and she’s not entitled to be there.
Lies like that are not malicious, they’re all about wanting to opt out of someone’s problematic behavior without having to do the emotional labor of confronting them about why it’s problematic.
She’s a pain in the butt to bring along to parties because she’s always on the hunt for a man, doesn’t know when to dial it back, and you do not want that to be your problem to manage, period.
Understandable.” Bookish4269
15. AITJ For Not Wanting To Announce My Pregnancy To My In-Laws?
“I’m currently 7 weeks pregnant with my IVF baby. My husband and I have struggled with infertility due to PCOS and mild male factor infertility over the past three years. My husband is 25 and I’m 26. We got married at 23 and started trying for a baby right away and unfortunately, we were never successful at conceiving until we did our first round of IVF.
I’m super cautious about this pregnancy because it’s still super early and unfortunately my mother spilled the beans to my immediate family that I was pregnant. Fortunately, I was able to do damage control and have my 6 family members swear to secrecy that they would not tell anyone until 20 weeks.
My husband and I initially made a deal to not tell anyone till we graduated from our IVF clinic at 12/13 weeks. I told my initially and she was the one who spilled the beans about my pregnancy. My husband was very upset and he has been asking if he could share with his family about the pregnancy since my family already knows.
I told him that I’m not comfortable sharing with his parents because they have made rude comments about referring to any of our future children as test tube babies. They say it in a demeaning way that I do not like. I’ve never gotten along with my in-laws since particularly my mother-in-law kept asking when we would have a baby even though I told her about our struggles.
My husband feels it’s unfair my family knows about our pregnancy and that he wants to share it with his family. I’ve been telling my husband to be patient and wait till we graduate from the clinic because the last thing I need is for my mother-in-law to give her opinion on a miscarriage.
We’ve been having heated arguments on the issue and I feel like my husband is being unfair since this is my pregnancy. I’m the one who had to administer medications to myself, get put under to have my eggs retrieved and deal with the emotional impact/stress of pregnancy.
I don’t think I’m being unreasonable asking him to wait 5 more weeks.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but both your moms are. Your mom should have understood the importance of keeping this secret, not to mention the fact that this was news I’m sure you would have happily shared with your family once the time was right, and she stole that opportunity from you.
MIL is just terrible and I haven’t heard someone refer to ‘test tube babies’ since the 90s. I can see why your husband thinks it’s unfair that most of your family knows and nobody in his family does – but he has to understand that it is your MIL’s behavior that is requiring you to wait and not a situation where you are playing favorites.
If, however, anyone in your family is (a) as loose-lipped as your mom and (b) in touch with your in-laws, then I think you should go ahead and tell them. It would be terrible if they found out first from someone other than the parents-to-be.” JeepersCreepers74
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is deeply unfair to his family – that your family knows and his doesn’t – and it doesn’t matter. The reason it doesn’t matter is that you not telling people is about your mental health, not about status or who you love or don’t like.
The reason people wait to tell other people about a pregnancy is because it can be devastating to then have to tell people if it doesn’t work out and to have to have conversations, sympathy, and reminders. This isn’t about your family getting information that he is not getting, this is about what YOU need right now, and how you are protecting yourself and feeling comfortable in this pregnancy, end of story.
Your husband can either accept that no, it isn’t fair, but what matters now is your health, your mental health, your comfort, and the trust you have between you two, or he can put his family knowing something first above all that. And as a reminder, his family suffers nothing by waiting.
They do not wake up and tear their clothes wondering when the magical child will be brought forth, they are fine.
It absolutely sucks that your mother told people, and you should have some very stern words with her and even consider whether, down the road, there is some way you can ‘make it up’ to his family over yours.
Ya, that sounds childish a little, but maybe when you tell his family, you do a cute way of doing it (future grandma shirt) that your mother now doesn’t get because she blew the trust you placed in her. And that leads me to the next point – maybe his family doesn’t even deserve that if they are going to crap on how you are having this child and disparage this actual child.
Your husband has a bigger problem to deal with first because I would never let a child around a family that would say stuff like that, no matter if it was ‘jokes’ or ‘just how they feel.’ So he needs to be ready to fully deal with how his family is treating the situation, just as you need to deal with what your mother did.
And if you both deal with that appropriately and as a team – as you should – you STILL shouldn’t tell his family or anyone else until YOU, the pregnant person, are ready.” mfruitfly
14. AITJ For Not Leaving My Business To My Nephews?
“My mom passed away last year and I want to be closer to my daughters who live out of state.
I ran a construction business that started with a friend of mine when I was in my 20s. I bought my friend’s share in 2013. So it has been my business.
I’m selling it to one of my friendly competitors before I move at the current market rate.
I’m also selling off my house and most of my stuff. Since I’m self-employed this is my retirement or an investment in a new business once I move.
My nephews have worked for me on and off for the last 10 years. I have never said I was leaving them anything.
I was responsible after I had a heart attack a few years ago and made a will. Everything I own was already being split 50/50 with my daughters.
My sister and nephews come in and want to buy out my business instead of me selling it.
They do not have the money that I’m getting at market rates. They insist that it’s a family business and I said no it’s not. It’s mine and I built it over the last 30 years and I’m ready to retire.
My nephews think being it’s a family business it should go to them. It’s not. They always felt like I was or should leave it to them since they helped me out. I told them they were employees like everyone else on my team.
Then they randomly asked about my will and I said everything was being left to my daughters. That was decided years ago. My daughters do not have the best relationship with their cousins but that’s not even my problem. They acted like I was the worst person ever for this.
That whole side of the family thinks I did my nephews dirty now and it has just made my timeline of moving smaller. Everyone acts like I’m disinheriting my nephews but they weren’t even in the question to begin with.”
Another User Comments:
“If your nephews were just regular workers and you never promised them anything then definitely NTJ. It is your business and your money, no idea why they even thought that you would leave everything to them, probably your sister promised them that without ever consulting with you and now she is reeking consequences and it is always easier to blame others.
You have 2 daughters to think about, nephews have their parents who can leave them whatever they want, doubt your sister would leave anything to your daughters, so there is that.” forgeries
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If they were employees just like the others and you hadn’t told them any different, or given them any extra responsibilities or expectations because they are family, you can’t be responsible for a story they have built up in their heads on their own.
Perhaps they had told themselves that them working for you and being physically closer to you daily somehow put them on the same level of importance or higher to you than your children. They were mistaken, and it’s not your fault if they had expectations of inheriting money or getting handed the business because of that.
I suspect there may have been a lot of wishful thinking and building up of expectations on that side of the family that you weren’t privy to. These conversations may have become reality in their minds, but if you weren’t involved in the construction of their fantasies you aren’t responsible for them.” kurokomainu
13. AITJ For Speaking My Mind About How The Bridesmaids' Dresses Look?
“I (25 F) am 1 of 2 maids of honor for my best friend’s wedding in August of 2024.
The bride and I have been friends for 20 years now, and she was my maid of honor 2 years ago.
A couple of weeks ago she decided our dresses would be ordered online from a website called Birdy Grey. The bridal party had already agreed that $100-150 for the dress budget was good.
So she sent the link to the dress and we all bought it ($140 after shipping and tax). I was the first to receive and try on the dress. It was bad… the fabric was very cheap, the color looked white in person (champagne was the goal), the measurements were off, the leg slit was cut wrong and instead was a crotch slit, and after looking on Reddit and other websites outside Birdy Grey, I was finding horrible reviews as well.
I was slightly worried about telling the bride so I reached out to the other maid of honor. She agreed with about 80% of the concerns. We discussed she would go to the bride’s house and show her in person that way she knew we weren’t just ‘throwing a fit’ or anything (I live 6 hrs away so I couldn’t just drive over to show the bride).
To even strengthen our concerns, I went to my local seamstress and asked if the dress could be tailored and dry-cleaned. The seamstress HEAVILY recommended not to since the fabric was such poor quality and could fall apart or melt.
I then gathered up the strength to call the bride.
I relay all the info with videos/images of the dress and tell her all the concerns the maid of honor and I had. End call. I go to bed in the afternoon (I work nights) and wake up to texts saying ‘I’m sorry you don’t like the color of the dress but I’ve decided we will be keeping it!
You can select a different dress and exchange it from the same website.’ In my mind I’m like dude I don’t care if you want us wearing green or zebra, the dress is tissue paper and cheaply made for what we paid and the color is wrong.
I then see the other maid of honor in the group chat posting how much she loves the dress suddenly and chatting with the other bridesmaids with the bride in chat.
I asked the bride if the other maid of honor made it over to her house to show her the dress in person?
She said, ‘I wasn’t able to meet with her today, she said she was busy suddenly…’ At this point, I’m not sure how else to tell her without mailing it to her and showing her physically how bad it is. I have offered many solutions, and even said I will drive 12 hrs round trip and help her shop and decide.
I feel ganged up on and played by the other maid of honor now after what she did, and feel as if she’s painting me in a bad light when I know the bride would personally hate the dress (mainly cause it’s white!) if she saw it in person.
But getting conflicting information, I don’t know what she’s thinking now.
So I basically threw the other maid of honor under the bus. I screen shotted her texts to me contradicting everything she said to me and sent it to the bride.
She’s my best friend, I don’t wanna walk out on her wedding day, and I don’t want the focus to be off her because our dresses are so disastrous looking and the color white.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Tell her that you were letting her know as a courtesy because you are pretty sure the dresses wouldn’t be up to her standards if she saw them in person, but that you’ll let the issue go and find a dress in that champagne color.
Then return the dress and find a suitable, true champagne dress from another store. It’s no longer your problem. When things go down, she won’t be able to say you didn’t warn her.” BeeJackson
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You need to let it go.
You’ve told her your concerns already several times, it’s time to move on and let the bride make her decisions. The other maid of honor might have changed her approach when she realized the bride really liked the dress and so she didn’t want to hurt her.
After all, the bride needs to like the dress, not you. Just tell her she should ask the other moh to see the dress in real life as you feel it looks very different than the pictures and leave it at that. There’s a moment where sharing personal convos, insisting, and being so involved in this feels overkill and disingenuous.” Pettypris
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – yet. The other main of honor has shown you that she’s two-faced. The only reason you’d become a jerk is if you continue to escalate the drama between the two of you. She 10000% started it, but unfortunately in this situation, you just need to let it go.
No more screenshots, just bite your tongue. You don’t want bridal party drama to add stress to your friend’s big day. This girl is clearly important enough to your friend to have her as a co-maid of honor, so don’t try to throw her under the bus again (even if she deserves it).
I’m in a bridal party now with two bridesmaids who don’t get along. It’s making the bride sad and is really adding a lot of unnecessary stress that they can’t just grin and bear it for a couple of events. Know in your heart that you’re the better friend (and maid of honor), but don’t try to prove it to the bride by doing anything other than being supportive and helping her solve this dress disaster!
Kill ‘em with kindness.” ouzosgodmother
12. AITJ For Telling My Sister-In-Law Not To Drag Me Into Her Fight With Her Husband Over Baby Names?
“SIL is married and expecting her first baby with her husband. They have been disagreeing on names from the start of the pregnancy. Her husband likes more unusual names.
She does not like unusual names. SIL likes classic and very common names. Her husband does not like classic and common names. So you can see the problem here. SIL’s husband does not want to have an Elizabeth Marie added to the family or a William James (not actual names they suggested just combos they used to describe things).
SIL doesn’t want an Indie Brynn or a Sunny Daxton.
My name is also unusual/uncommon. My middle name actually is Sunny, with that spelling, and my first name is easy to spell but not a common name.
SIL tried to drag me into the fight and attempted to make me talk her husband around.
She said people who have weird names end up hating them and wishing they could have something that would be taken more seriously. She said nobody she knew who had some trendy or weird name liked it and they resented/hated their parents for not thinking of their futures or them as people.
Then she told me to tell her husband about my experiences with my name and how it made me feel. I told him I always loved my name and loved that my parents gave me something unusual. SIL was like hang on a minute, that’s not what you’re supposed to say.
I was like what do you mean? She said she expected me to be on her side. I asked her why I would insult my name and my parents for my name just because she wanted to prove a point? I told her I had never complained about my name and she shouldn’t drag me into it.
My wife backed me up.
SIL was angry though. She told me I twisted her words and that she never asked me to insult my name or my parents. She said she wanted me to be honest with her husband about the reality of a weird name.
I told her my experience was not the same as the other people she knows with unusual names and therefore I could not be on her side.
SIL claims I made her sound terrible by asking the question that I did. And she claims I should have stayed quiet if I wasn’t going to speak more neutrally.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“The fact that your SIL just assumed you hate your name is beyond insulting. And the fact that she thought you’d throw your parents and brother under the bus is a good indicator of what she’s used to and how she’ll behave in the future.
Yikes. NTJ.
As for their naming dilemma, ‘boring’ and ‘insane’ aren’t the only two categories of names. There are tons of classics that are underused, or that only a few people will have heard of. That gives her the history and meaning and solid background that it seems she wants, and it ensures that the kid won’t be one of ten in her class with the same name and that people will be interested in it like your bro probably wants.
Besides that, your brother clearly isn’t up on current naming trends. I could probably find three kids named ‘Indie Brynn’ before finding one Elizabeth. If he’s looking for ‘uniqueness’ in the same places everyone else is, I think he’ll have regrets. Direct them to a naming forum like Behind the Name.
Not only can the posters there help them find a compromise, but they’re not afraid to set people straight about their negative preconceived notions.” Nemesis0408
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Don’t ask someone what they think if you don’t really wanna hear it lol.
As far as the actual issue goes: the people who really suffer from having weird names are either named after a common character or well-known celebrity, or their parents use super weird spellings for normal names.
Honestly, though, I can’t see any reason for them not to just come up with a list of 20 names individually. SIL can list 20 names that are popular, but not in the area, OR popular from 20 years ago. Maybe don’t name a baby Gertrude, but you get the idea.
Your brother can come up with names that are uncommon, but easy to understand, or spell. Then they can start there. The weirdest names off of your SIL’s list, the most normal names off of your brothers. See if they can come up with a combination of the two.
A side note: a lot of the characters that I write are named after flowers, or types of metal and stones, or they have two first names that are always used together. Are these common names? No. But are the vast majority of them recognizable to readers as something a person could be named?
Yes. It’s not quite the same as naming a baby, but it may help here.” ASomewhatAmbiguous
11. AITJ For Insulting My Friend's Brother?
“I (23 f) have a friend I’ll call Ana. We are not best friends but close enough that we hang out and text somewhat frequently.
She knows that I’m currently single and offered to set me up with her brother (29 m). I was happy and said yes because I was curious.
When we went out, it was probably one of the worst nights out I’ve ever had. He talked only about himself, was rude to the waitress, and kept making off-putting comments about my body like ‘You have a good chest but you should lose some weight or do some squats for your butt.
Then you can be considered curvy and not fat’ or ‘Are you sure you want the fries… gotta watch your calories’ and other similar things.
For context, I’m not overweight by any means (I struggle sometimes with anorexia but am currently good with an average weight for my height ).
I laughed it off and changed topics but I already knew it wasn’t going to work out.
After a bit I made excuses and we left. At this point, he tried to take me to his house insinuating a hookup. I politely said no. He continued pressing me saying ‘I know you want it, don’t lie’.
I said “definitely no…” and explained that his behavior was rude and off-putting. He said something about how all of us women enjoy a guy who’s mean to us and how we like to put up a fight.
At this point, I might be the jerk.
I said this exactly ‘Yes, but those men have to look a lot better than you for women to enjoy that’ (which is actually my honest opinion). He looked visibly taken aback so I tried to explain that I had no issue with his looks if he had a good personality, but to pull off saying the things he said he would have to be a supermodel or something.
He was clearly upset so we split the check and went our separate ways.
Ana asked me in chat how it went and I replied that we weren’t right for each other and both said some mean things. She said it was a pity it didn’t work out and that’s it.
A week later I kept trying to message her and call but she wouldn’t respond, but I didn’t pay too much attention to it.
Today I met a mutual friend of me and Ana. She said that Ana was really mad at me. Apparently, her brother struggles a lot with body and looks issues and after my comments was depressed and refusing to go out with women ever again.
My friend said that even though he was rude to me I didn’t have to comment on his looks.
I can see that I was unnecessarily hurtful but under the context, I do not regret it. Was I the jerk? Will Ana ever forgive me?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ana’s brother was making wildly inappropriate comments. Couple that with refusing to take ‘no’ for an answer and you had the potential for a really bad night. He needed a shock to his system in order to get him to back off and you gave him one.
This would never have happened if he had behaved like a normal human being.
As far as Ana is concerned, she only knows his version of events. It is doubtful he gave a clear and fully accurate picture of the evening. On the off chance he did, if she refused to speak to you after learning how he treated you, you are better off without her as a friend.” Pleasant_Test_6088
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he was dishing it and slinging insults and crap all night… that’s the rule – don’t dish it, if you can’t take it. Your comment wasn’t kind, but it was 100% in line with the comments he’d been making all night. Especially once he started trying to gaslight you about how his behavior is ‘what women like’ GROSS If you feel like it, you could reach out to Ana and let her know that you wouldn’t normally act like that, but felt in the moment that you really needed to stand up for yourself after the way her brother had been behaving.
I wouldn’t apologize, necessarily, but recognize that you said something out of character.” KBD_in_PDX
10. AITJ For Calling Out My Half-Siblings' Lie About My Dad?
“So I (27 m) have three younger half-siblings (24 f, 22 m, and 21 m). We’re maternal half-siblings and I have a different dad to them. Their dad was with my mom for several years but they never got married. So he wasn’t legally ever my stepdad but I guess he would kind of get the title since he lived with my mom and I lived with her half the time.
He was never interested in me and I was never interested in him (he used to creep me out) so I don’t really think of him like that but technically their dad would have been my step. Mine was never anything to them.
When my mom was pregnant with the youngest their dad was arrested and he went to prison.
He was briefly released 8 years later but ended up going back to prison. He wasn’t a good guy and has a long list of convictions now.
I was 8 when mom died. I was living with my dad full-time when she died. She was not taking good care of me and was taking her anger about her partner’s release out on me through a lot of yelling and talking to me like crap.
When mom died a social worker got involved and my half-siblings were removed. They had no biological family willing to take them and the social worker asked my dad if he would consider a kinship care agreement so they could be raised alongside me. My dad said that was not something he would be interested in so my half-siblings were placed in foster care.
My dad did agree to some visits.
We had one visit every two months for years. The visits were never easy because my half-siblings would ask to move in with my dad and me and they would ask why my dad didn’t visit and why couldn’t they be with him instead so we could live together.
They were separated most of the time in foster care and would put that on me and my dad as well. I refused the visits once I turned 16. I hadn’t wanted them for a while but it was more annoying than anything to have to repeat the same conversation every two months.
My dad let me make the decision because he really had to drag me there for most of the visits anyway.
We had no contact for years and then just over two years ago they reached out to me and said they wanted a relationship again.
I told them I didn’t and they said they wouldn’t mention my dad again. So I agreed and things were going alright. Not having to have that ‘fight’ with them made it easier to care.
But then a few weeks ago I found out at my half brothers 21st birthday party, that they have been lying to people claiming my dad was their stepdad and he dumped them in foster care as soon as mom died. They apparently knew most people wouldn’t think he was wrong if he was just my dad they never knew.
So they spun a story. I told people the truth when it came up and afterward, I told my half siblings that I was so done with them and that their obsession with my dad taking them in is what drove me crazy before. I told them he wasn’t their anything and that lying was not the way to win me over.
They accused me of ruining their lives by exposing their lies.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While I do feel bad for them because the foster care system sucks major and horrific things could have happened to them. Your dad was not obligated to take them in.
I do understand their hatred for your father. He was probably the only adult that was somewhat ‘related’ to them and seeing their half-sister being raised in a loving home while they got nothing definitely will mess a child up. Now they need therapy if they’re not already in it.
No one can change the past and instead of being stuck in the past, they need to forge their future. Learn from their parents’ mistakes and make a life for themselves.” FluffyPal
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I feel sorry for your siblings, but your father is not the cause of their misfortune.
Something that has always baffled me: if someone is upset about something and wants someone else to be upset about it with them, theoretically shouldn’t they simply tell the story as it happened? If they know they need to tweak and/or embellish the story, that means they’re aware that their position is questionable or even wrong.
But instead of stepping back and evaluating, they simply lie to bolster their stance. I don’t understand the logic.” Working_Movie2027
9. AITJ For Not Giving My Roommate A Tampon?
“I (25 F) live with roommates, all are female. We’ve all gotten close in the two years we’ve lived together, except for one roommate. (We’ll call her Emma, 23.) It’s not that I dislike Emma, but we’ve never meshed as well as my other roommates have.
The other day, Emma called us all out to the living room where she was folding her laundry.
She held up a pair of undergarments and asked if it belonged to any of us, and I recognized them as mine so I said yes. I apologized for the mix-up, and she immediately started yelling at me about how disgusting I was and how she wanted to ‘light herself on fire’ after touching them.
Since I live with all girls, this happens all the time and none of us ever get weirded out by it. I can’t even begin to count how many times someone’s bras, socks, undergarments, etc. have gotten mixed with my laundry by mistake. It’s a bit embarrassing to admit, but I realized they were actually an old pair of period undergarments that had (I cannot stress this enough) MINOR blood stains on them from years ago when I first got my period.
Emma again decided to loudly announce how gross she thought I was and how I should be ashamed for not throwing them out and tried to get my other roommates to look and join in on her outburst.
Thankfully I live with some awesome girls, so nobody even batted an eye despite me being absolutely horrified that someone I live with would do something like that.
Everyone was quick to reassure me that it’s no big deal and it happens to all of us. They tried to tell Emma to chill out but she wasn’t having it. She just went to her room and slammed the door.
For the next week, Emma didn’t speak to me.
She would loudly talk to all of our other roommates with no problem but the minute I tried speaking to her she would just walk away. A couple of days ago I was lying in bed and Emma was the only other person home. She knocked on my door and when I opened it, she sheepishly asked me for a tampon, saying she woke up from a nap and bled through her shorts.
How ironic. I laughed and told her no. (I didn’t have any left, and I knew our other roommates had some somewhere so it’s not like she had nothing.)
Yesterday, she asked all of us if she could borrow a shirt because her clothes were in the washer.
We all said no, and I even said I wouldn’t want her to ‘light herself on fire’ after touching any of my ‘nasty’ stuff. She rolled her eyes and gave me a half-meant apology, and I told her I didn’t want her touching or borrowing my stuff if that’s the way she acts about a natural bodily function that SHE ALSO goes through.
She called me childish and said she didn’t see the big deal. Now there’s this weird, passive-aggressive vibe every time we’re in the same room, and I’m wondering if I should just apologize or not. I talked to some friends, and they said I’ve got nothing to apologize for but I’m wondering if I overreacted.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I’ll go with NTJ. Emma is either downplaying her nasty behavior or she’s totally oblivious to the fact that she’s been acting passive-aggressively toward you for an entire week. I might have forgiven her that one heated tirade she gave to you.
After all, your other roommates didn’t buy into it, so she simply made herself look petty. It could just be the way she was brought up. Maybe she has sisters who would have acted the same way toward her. I could have forgiven her that.
But, then, after seeing that no one was outraged over this, except her, she still couldn’t let it go and spent an entire week of pointedly not speaking to you. This I can’t so easily overlook. Emma, get a clue. The consensus in the room is that you’re overreacting majorly.
It’s done, Emma. Drop the passive-aggression, already. No one got hurt. It was a pair of undergarments, not a live grenade.” RighteousVengeance
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. I am also a female who lived with other girls during my university years. It was horrible. I truly sympathize with you.
You had every right to refuse to give her a tampon or a shirt, especially after how she tried to humiliate you in front of your other roommates.
I’m glad you stuck up for yourself. She’s very hypocritical to call you childish when she’s the one who was making a big deal out of some slightly stained period undergarments, and subsequently had a hissy fit and tried to create more drama.
I actually had to go back to read her age because this does not sound like how a 23-year-old woman should react. She sounds like a joy to be around.
Hopefully, she will realize how ridiculously she is behaving and just let it go or apologize.” FellowTraveller7
8. AITJ For Asking My Wife To Knock First Before Entering My Bedroom?
“About a year ago, my (44 M) wife (38 F) suggested we get separate bedrooms since she had a lot of trouble sleeping together and it would allow us to have our own privacy.
I was initially not a big fan of the idea because I thought it would affect our relationship and our connection, but after talking about it for a few months I reluctantly agreed. She also suggested that we need to respect each other’s privacy by knocking on each other’s doors before entering.
So for about a year now we have had our own bedrooms and to my surprise, I have been enjoying it a lot. We still sleep together a few times a week but do spend the majority of the nights separately. I have really enjoyed the privacy and having the opportunity to unwind by myself without having to worry about anything else.
But my wife on the other hand doesn’t seem to be enjoying it as much. She has started spending more nights with me in my bedroom which is fine. But she has now started acting like we don’t have any agreements at all.
At first, she was very adamant about knocking on each other’s doors before entering each other’s rooms and would frequently call me out on it if I didn’t.
But now she has started acting like my separate bedroom is her bedroom and she doesn’t knock before entering my room like we agreed to.
When I called her out on it, she got really emotional and angry with me. She told me that I didn’t care about her and I didn’t want to have her around anymore.
She also said that it really hurts her feelings. But I just referred to all the rules she had made up and that has gotten her really upset.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I think you guys need an impartial third party to help you discuss things.
She wanted privacy and space. You did your best to allow that even though you weren’t entirely on board. Now, you’ve managed to make it work for you and she’s stomping all over the boundaries that SHE put in place, probably because SHE put them there.
They were mainly for her and you were supposed to be upset about it.
The fact that you’re no longer upset is nagging at her. And that in itself speaks to something else in the marriage that needs to be addressed. She doesn’t get to make unilateral rules, demand you abide by them, and then emotionally manipulate you until she gets her own way – which seems to change whenever she feels like changing it.
You’re not a mind reader. She needs to be upfront if she wants things. And she also needs to take YOUR feelings into consideration. It sounds like she’s not.” WikkidWitchly
Another User Comments:
“It seems very obvious that you should have a conversation about how you both still feel about the arrangement.
You can tell that she doesn’t seem happy about it anymore, but you’re knowingly avoiding that and instead engaging in little arguments around what you know to be the actual issue.
I’m not saying that the arrangement is good or bad, but you ARE aware that you’re still happy while she’s not and you’re avoiding it because you don’t want her to say out loud that she wants to share again because then you’ll have to tell her outright that you don’t.
You’ll have to have this conversation eventually anyway. Dragging it out will add extra resentment and the conversation when it happens will be worse for it. Everyone sucks here, I guess.” Plane-Trifle3608
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But your wife needs to be told that you are enjoying your privacy more than you thought you would and that she needs to respect that, and how this doesn’t detract from your feelings towards her.
If you can’t convey this to her then try some couples therapy sessions to get over this hump. The money you spend on that is probably well spent if you wish to stay married without too much drama in the home.” FragrantEconomist386
7. AITJ For Not Accepting My Son's Christmas Gift?
“I (40s M) live with my wife (40s F) and our youngest child (18 M). Times have been tight for us the last few months. Our bills are paid, but we have essentially no discretionary income, and that means that Christmas presents were pretty much off the table.
This is the first Christmas where this has been the case, and my wife and I have been pretty sad. Our son is aware of this, and being an empathetic kid, was accepting of the situation. He’s also lucky in that I have a few wealthy relatives who give him money for Christmas each year.
So, Christmas morning comes around, and our son comes in and gives us each a card. We smile and open them, and inside each card is $100. It almost brought me to tears. He used his own Christmas money to give us a gift, even though we couldn’t give him anything.
Here’s where I’m torn. I got up, gave him a hug, thanked him, and then gave the money back. I told him that he would NEVER have to give us money. My personal feeling is that gifts of money go DOWN generations, or sideways, but never UP.
I absolutely do not want either of my children giving me money, and would never ask. It just seems wrong to me.
He seemed a bit disappointed. I took the cards and put them up on the mantle over the fireplace, and made a big deal over how much we liked them, but I refused the money and told him to keep it and buy himself something nice with it.
Am I the jerk for refusing this gift?”
Another User Comments:
“To spare your son’s feelings, you and your wife can accept the money but you don’t have to spend it on yourselves. Use it later to take the family somewhere for the day to build experiences together.
You can also add it to his college fund if it’s available or invest it and give it to him when he graduates or in a few years. Your son is a very generous and thoughtful young man. He has a beautiful soul and you’ve raised him to be empathetic and caring.
Don’t crush that spirit because of your pride. Take pride in the awesome human being you’ve raised and find a creative way to spend the money to help remove some of the guilt and shame you’re experiencing right now. Remember you’ve given your kids the greatest gifts of all.
A safe environment, their essentials met, and loving parents who go to the moon and back for them. Believe me that goes a much longer way than any material gift could.” discovered89
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your son did something nice for you and does not even get the satisfaction of having done that.
Put your pride aside and accept the nice gesture. I’d also like to point out that you are calling an 18-year-old ‘child’. I know that for you he will be your child till the day you die but you need to recognize that now he is technically an adult and respect that.
Otherwise, you risk this attitude sneaking into other parts of your relationship and possibly damaging it. I’m saying this from the point of view of a 30-something-year-old whose mother literally pouted and stopped talking to her this Xmas for a few days after ‘her child’ (yes, me, the 30-something-year-old) sent some money home after finding out that mom was struggling on her pension.
I get that your situation is not as extreme but you should adjust your view a bit so that you don’t risk getting to this point. Your son loves you and wants to help. He is happy to do so and you should let him.
There is joy (and relief because your financial suffering affects those who love you!) in helping.” Wibbits
6. AITJ For Not Wanting My Nephew To Share His Birthday Money With His Stepbrother?
“My sister, J, is with a man named C. J has 1 child who is 12 and C has a child almost 9.
Together this past year they had a baby.
I have been in my oldest nephew’s life since the beginning when he lived near us. In the last 2 years, they moved to another state. As he is now close to being a teenager his wants and needs are more expensive.
October was his birthday. I sent my sister 200.00 for my nephew to spend as he wants. My sister then wrote me informing me that I didn’t get anything for C’s child in August so she is splitting the 200 between them.
This made me mad as I last year bought Christmas presents for all 3 kids, but I had never been told it was his birthday.
I don’t feel like she has a right to take from my oldest nephew when that is what I said the money is for. I felt like she should have told me before that it was his birthday. I also feel like she shouldn’t tell me what my money is going to.
It bothers me. C’s kid has his own family. Do they do the same to C’s family for my nephew? I don’t know.
So it’s Christmas. The birthday left a bad taste in my mouth and she hasn’t sent me a Christmas list like every year because of it.
Am I the jerk for being annoyed at her splitting the money between the two?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister did not tell you when the kid’s birthday was, so you missed it. Her fault. Then when you sent your nephew a gift, she got mad at you?
Make sure you put Stepkid’s birthday on your calendar. Send all mail for your nephew directly to him, his name only on the package. If he has an email, you can send messages and eGift cards that way. Or open a savings account for him.
Put gift money there, and send smaller gifts. When he finishes high school, he’ll have a good start in college. You are a good aunt.” Fickle_Toe1724
Another User Comments:
“From now on put birthday and Christmas money and similar into a college savings account for him – that way it stays safe but he still gets it at some point.
Send only the card. When he turns 18 or becomes a senior in high school (whichever is first) reach out privately and tell him about it, explain that you wanted to make sure he got to keep what he was given, and hand it over. NTJ” CatCommission
5. AITJ For Telling My Mom To Stop Grieving For My Brother In Front Of Him?
“My (23 m) brother (18 m) was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. It’s terminal and he’s expected to pass within a year but that COULD change if we are lucky, but with the type of cancer, it’s unlikely.
I just want to focus on giving my brother the best time for the time he does have left. The problem is our mother.
She is putting her grief onto my brother and he has to sit around helping people grieve the life he’s going to lose rather than giving him a great life for however long he wants.
I understand grieving, I am too but I don’t put that on him and it’s not like I want my mum to go through it alone but my brother is NOT the person to share her grief with.
The other night I saw our mum just crying and holding him saying she doesn’t want to lose him. Afterward, when my brother was asleep I told her she needed to stop grieving for him in front of him, and if she couldn’t do that she shouldn’t at all.
That she’s making her own dying son deal with her own grief when he’s already dealing with his own mortality. She should be supporting him, not the other way around. If she wants support she can talk to me, Dad, or a therapist but don’t put your crap on him.
I do think I was a bit harsh, but it comes from a place of frustration. I had my own cancer scare when I was 16 and was stuck dealing with everyone else’s grief while I wasn’t able to deal with my own crap, I don’t want that for my brother.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. You are absolutely right in telling her that. She needs therapy. He doesn’t need to feel guilty on top of everything he’s going through. She needs to hear those words. She needs to stop putting her grief on him.
She is not helping him, she is hurting him. I can’t imagine the pain she’s in right now. I can’t say I’d be any different. She can’t see through her own grief. You all have precious time together and he should get the most out of his life.
She needs to hold it in and allow him to live as best as he can. I would also apologize for the hurt, but it needed to be said.” Liss78
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I do hope she listened to you. I’m so sorry you are losing your brother like this and had your own scare.
You are exactly right in what she said to you. She’s being incredibly selfish. I don’t know if you’ve tried this, but even if you are not religious, a chaplain of any faith at the hospital has been trained in counseling and could be able to finesse or directly engage her in a more compassionate way of dealing with your brother.
I’m not Jewish or even of faith anymore, and a rabbi was of tremendous help to me in dealing with someone’s cancer and, later, with my own. There may also be a cancer community center near you, or within the hospital system, that could tackle this for you because their first role is to be an advocate for your brother’s treatment and his comfort.
I’ve not dealt with hospice, but that maybe could be a resource, too. Please don’t make fixing her your burden to bear on top of everything else.” cadaloz1
4. AITJ For Wanting My Son's Mom To Give Us Money For A Summer Vacation?
“I share custody of my 8-year-old son, Elliot, with my ex. It’s mostly split and we have a calendar that we revise if needed. Usually, we swap him every week but around holidays we extend the times. So the ex gets him for half of this month and I get the other half.
The reasoning for this month’s schedule is that she was planning on spending Xmas with her SO back at his home state. I wasn’t planning on traveling. Just Xmas at home. This week the ex said her SO wanted to take her and Eli on a skiing Xmas holiday and could she actually have him the last two weeks of December.
I said so let me get this straight. You have him for two weeks already and now you’re asking for another two weeks. Where does that leave me? She told me we could talk about it afterward. I said no, we can’t. I’ll tell you what.
You give me money upfront so he and I can take a summer vacation.
She said that was outrageous. I said not as outrageous as asking me to give up my time upfront and you’re refusing to give me anything upfront in return. And yes, I’d be willing to negotiate if I asked her to give up her time and let it be known and not hang up like she did.
My son might not even want to go. He probably would rather stay with Daddy and spend the Xmas break on playdates and sleepovers with his friends.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This is your child. Not something to be used as a way to get a free vacation.
The fact that the first thing to come to your mind was $$ instead of wanting to spend time with him is a huge red flag. I would have hung up on you too.
Work together to get those 2 weeks back at a later time. After all, you would rather spend time with your child than have some extra money right?
Also, please don’t make a habit of taking away opportunities from your son because of petty things with your ex. Ask your son if he is interested in going skiing. If not, explain to ex. If so, ask your ex to revise the calendar together.
Either way, you owe her and your son an apology.” StructureSpecial7597
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Yet again a parent is more interested in a fight with the other parent that they fail to actually think about the actual important person, their child. You don’t actually give 2 hoots about your kid otherwise instead of asking his mother to pay for your holiday, you would have actually asked him what he’d like.
You haven’t. You assumed. A skiing holiday is a great experience and you would deny him that because that means his mother got a bit more time with him. There are ways around this that don’t hurt the child, but you’re too busy trying to get one over your ex to actually care and think about it.” Equivalent_Being_500
3. AITJ For Wanting Strawberries On My Wedding Cake?
“I’m getting married next year. I love strawberries and I want some on my wedding cake.
My plan is to have a four-tier cake where the bottom two are completely separate entities with different flavors and the top two are lemon/strawberry.
My mother is mildly allergic to strawberries. Will have a headache and a mild rash if she eats one but is fine with eating food that has touched strawberries.
She is absolutely incensed with my plan to include strawberries in my wedding cake and continuously makes passive-aggressive comments about how wedding RSVPs include a section for the guests’ allergies and SHE would never serve something a guest couldn’t eat.
I explained to her that she is more than free to eat the other two cakes, they will be entirely strawberry-free, aren’t even touching the top cake, and more importantly, my mother has diabetes and won’t be eating more than a small slice, to begin with.
My fiance agrees she’s being selfish.
I’m writing this because I was telling my dad about this issue and she walked in and added ‘This is my only daughter’s one and only wedding, I want to be able to eat every part of the cake.’ Haven’t been able to close my mouth since from the pure shock.
I mean. It’s MY ONLY wedding. And she sees nothing wrong with saying something so insanely out of pocket?
Well. My dad agrees with her so maybe I’m taking this too seriously and I can skip strawberries for a day? I really don’t want to, but I also don’t want to make this a big drama.
My mom is used to getting whatever she wants and I’m used to my dad siding with her but I really thought my wedding would be the exception.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ as long as it’s actually safe for her to eat the cake, and you aren’t downplaying her allergy.
Even if she’s okay with being near strawberries, another tier of the same cake would be worrisome to me. But as long as she’s not completely excluded from dessert, either the other tiers or another dessert, it’s fine.
She’s right that you should have a section for allergies on the RSVP though.
Make sure there is at least one option for everyone, and that things with a certain ingredient are clear. I have a friend who is allergic to lots of fruit, we gave him a heads-up about our cake before the wedding. But we were at another wedding, and the cupcakes had strawberries in them that weren’t obvious.
My husband happened to eat one and tell him ‘Hey, I just had a cupcake and it had a strawberry in it, heads up’. But had this guy grabbed a cupcake first, it could have been bad. My husband is a vegetarian and we were at a wedding.
A waiter was passing out egg rolls and he asked if there was meat in it and they had no clue. Knowing allergies, you can say to the waiters, ‘Make sure you can answer that X has Y in it’.” Usrname52
Another User Comments:
“Do you and the fiancee have the 2k?
Just give her money back. Then make the changes to suit you both. You are 27 and never had a cake with strawberries for your birthday. I’m appalled on your behalf. Your mother is entitled to another level. She is so used to having you as a doormat.
You are starting a new phase of your life. Find your shiny spines and start saying no. Have that strawberry cake. It’s your declaration of adulthood and independence. Have an awesome wedding.
You also now learned an important lesson, money has strings. Your mother has controlled you enough and is now controlling your wedding.
Are you going to let her control the rest of your lives? When you get pregnant what rules will you have for your children? You know she’s going to walk all over you, and your dad will be useless in standing up for you.” [deleted]
2. AITJ For Crying Because My Family Was Laughing At Me?
“My parents were having a party at our house and there were a bunch of people there. It was really loud and I (15 M) don’t like loud noises, everything was just a lot and I wanted to go to my room but my parents didn’t let me.
I sat in the dining room in the corner (there’s like a chair in the corner and then a big cabinet next to it so If I sit in the corner people from the side can’t see me) because that was the only room downstairs with the least amount of people.
My sister (18 F) came over to me and started talking to me. She told me to get up and join the party and stop being anti-social. A few family members came over because they hadn’t seen me much and they asked if I was hiding from them.
They told me to come party with them and they started asking me weird questions like if I have a significant other or if I have a crush on a girl. They started laughing at me and making jokes about me not having a significant other, even though I didn’t want one because I think all of that romantic stuff is gross.
I started crying because they were all laughing at me and everything was just really loud. They all walked away and my sister shouted at me because she said they were only joking. But I don’t understand how it’s a joke? I don’t get most jokes though, to be honest. My mom and dad said I made everyone uncomfortable and I’m too sensitive and my sister said I’m a jerk because they were only joking and that I should grow up.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like you might have an anxiety issue or something along those lines, and your family doesn’t seem to understand or respect that being around so many people asking intrusive questions is stressful! Not to mention, loud noises are jarring.
My family did this to me a lot growing up. It took a while for them to understand that it was not just me being sensitive, and once they realized that, they put me in therapy. I’ve worked on my anxiety a lot since then.
While it’s important that you try to work on your tolerance for being around people, they could also be way kinder and supportive. Maybe try talking to them openly about how it feels for you being around so many people and everything being so loud, it could help them understand.” CausticMoose
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Crying when you’re overwhelmed is a natural response. Your emotions are valid – and your family is trying to say that they are not by calling you a jerk for them. They are essentially trying to claim that you are using an emotional reaction to manipulate people, but that isn’t what you were doing at all.
That way of thinking is a slippery slope to dismissing your own feelings and therapy down the road. So, please know that they are wrong about that. That being said, I do think based on your description that you have some auditory processing disorders or perhaps an anxiety disorder, or that you might need to be evaluated for ASD.
I would look up resources on these things and would show them to your parents, too. You could also talk to your school’s counselor about how you’re feeling and ask them to give resources to your parents. And, by the way, none of those diagnoses are bad.
They will just help you find coping mechanisms so you don’t find yourself getting overwhelmed like that as often anymore. Good luck!” cas_neurotic
1. AITJ For Commenting On My Cousin's Habit Of Changing Religions?
“So my (21 F) cousin Vickie (32 F) has picked up a strange habit the past few years.
She’s taken to changing denominations or religions and has done so about a half dozen times. This latest change has been to Catholicism because she claims it will finally get her partner (34 M) to propose, even though he’s already said he doesn’t see a future with her, and that her converting won’t change that.
Despite this, she went ahead with the conversion and missed our grandfather’s 91st birthday to go to her partner’s childhood cathedral three states away for her ceremony.
Unsurprisingly, this didn’t make her partner stay and propose, and about three months later he left her.
My cousin is still whining and complaining about how she did everything for this man, including changing religions, and he still told her she wasn’t serious enough for him. My response was ‘Well, what do you expect him to say when you change religions like they’re clothes?’ That didn’t go over well with her, she called me some names, and now my aunt (her mom) and my dad are trying to push me to apologize and do something to make it up to her.
I told them they needed to stop brushing off her behaviors and turning a blind eye to her issues. Especially given that one of those religious conversions she made three years back was to a group that got together every Sunday for Bloody Marys, which was just to feed and excuse her continually growing drinking addiction.
She was nearly thrown out of Christmas last year for showing up wasted and continuing to drink from a large bottle of wine she had, but my aunt doesn’t think she has any issues and just lets her do anything without consequences or criticism.
It’s insane. AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your cousin clearly has issues, but it’s equally clear that you hate her. What did you expect in response to your comment? You aren’t her parent, you aren’t her best friend, you aren’t her boss. You have no standing to tell her ‘harsh truths’ to try to improve her life.
If she’s upset about something you think is her fault the best choices are to either offer vague words of comfort or to keep your mouth shut. No 35-year-old is going to turn her life around because her 21-year-old cousin told her that she’s a screw-up.
All you’ll ever accomplish this way is to make family gatherings awkward. Apologize for your harsh words and learn when to speak up and when to remain silent.” DueIsland2983
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. As long as the religion she’s converting to is good with it, and she’s good with it, then that’s all that matters.
She can change religions weekly if she wants to, who cares? It’s not your business.
YTJ for using petty judgmental stuff to avoid dealing with the actual issues. Her drinking addiction has nothing to do with religion and is a way bigger concern. And it will not be helped one bit by you crapping on stuff that doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.
You don’t have to help her, but you can’t hang around and be a judgmental jerk. Raise the actual concerns – ‘I’m hurt that you missed grandpa’s 91st birthday’ ‘I am worried about your liquor intake’ – in a way that’s productive, or set some boundaries and reduce contact if you don’t want to support.” RainahReddit
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