People Beg Us To Help Them Squash Their “Am I The Jerk?” Dilemmas
22. AITJ For Wanting To Put Up A Fence Despite My Neighbor's Objections?
“I (26F) moved into my house last December, a semidetached in the UK.
It’s just me and my two cats and while the neighbor I’m connected to is great, I’m having problems with my neighbor on the other side (40sF) not connected to my property.
On our whole street of semis, the gap between the houses is divided by a fence that goes down the middle of our driveways.
They are NOT shared driveways: every house has its own driveway, and we all have parking bays outside our houses too. Mine and my neighbour’s are the only houses that don’t have a fence between them. The owner was nice when I first met her, but our second time speaking was when I went over to tell her about the fence – legally I’m allowed to put it up, but just wanted to inform her.
She switched from being as nice as pie to groaning and sighing, saying she’d lived there for 20 years and liked not having a fence because she’d hated a previous owner’s one and convinced the last owner to take it down. I said I wanted one for my privacy and safety, plus my cats, as no fence and gate makes my house extremely open to the road.
She then proceeded to tell me, unprompted, that she’s divorcing her husband as he was cruel towards her and she now lives alone with her son (13M), who has additional needs but mimics his dad’s actions towards her, and she needs space to get him in and out of the car.
I’ve been in several bad relationships myself but I was extremely uncomfortable with how bluntly she told me the information when we’d just met so made my excuses and left.
Since then I’ve found her to be extremely nosy and overbearing. Any time I’m getting work done on my house, she comes over and demands to know what they’re doing even when they’re clearly painting my house or fixing my front door.
My friend once parked in my driveway and she banged on the door and told me to make her move as she couldn’t get into hers – she could, she just wanted to park in a particular spot and get out without banging her car door into my friend’s car (she’s quite a large lady and throws the door open fully when she gets out).
She continually walks over my driveway as do her friends and family, setting off my Ring camera daily, but I’ve bitten my tongue about saying anything as I’ve still planned to put the fence up and didn’t want it to seem petty/just in response to them treating it like a shared driveway.
Where I might be the jerk is the fact that it WOULD be more difficult for her to get in and out of her car with a fence, and my parents saying it wasn’t respectful of her due to the family issues she told me about and that her son is a lot (he often stands on the driveway screaming at her).
I just want the physical distance from her though – I’m sick of her being a busybody and it feels like she feels entitled to use my driveway as well as hers because of how long she’s lived there. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Put the fence back up, but also think about how you’re going to deal with her complaining and moaning at you for years. She likely “convinced” the previous neighbor to take it down due to an unrelenting campaign of harassment–it worked for her once, she’s going to try it again.” PurpleMarsAlien
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
1. She can’t and won’t respect your space
2. Length of time in house entitles her to nothing
3. Her friends and family don’t respect your space
4. You have a legitimate concern with your animals and the road
5. I’d want something physical between her house and mine given everything you’ve described
6. Don’t think you should think twice about that fence.” ReviewOk929
Another User Comments:
“Go for the fence. NTJ. You want and need it, it’s a norm in the neighborhood, etc. The agreement the prior owner made with her does not have any bearing on you, you aren’t obligated to uphold it in any way, and just as she has reasons why she doesn’t want a fence, you have reasons why you do.
As this is a norm and ‘expected’ within the development – your property is the exception – it makes sense to put one up. It sounds like she is used to seeking out exceptions and special treatment, and I don’t see why you should have to accommodate that if it runs against what you want and need in your housing situation.” owls_and_cardinals
21. AITJ For Not Wanting To Give Away My Puppy Because My Partner Claims He's Allergic?
“I (F 21) recently got a new puppy. I live alone and decided it was a good idea to have some company.
However, my partner (M 21) has grown to dislike him over the past 2 months.
My partner visits every weekend since he still lives with his parents. And we get into arguments about my puppy most of those weekends, with the last one being that he wants me to give him (my dog) away.
He claims he is annoying and does not behave. I countered that with the fact that he is only 3 months old, not to mention he’s already potty trained for the most part, very friendly with people and dogs, and can do some tricks. That being said, in one of the arguments, he brought up a hypothetical: “Would you give him away if I was allergic.” I’ll admit I said yes, since he has shown no signs of allergies.
Or at least I thought.
He texts me today saying he has a painful rash and he’s certain it is from my dog. I don’t know if I believe him. Especially since he hasn’t been over in 2 days. I said I’d buy an air purifier, de-shedder, and wash the sheets every week before he comes.
But he says none of that will help.
AITJ for not wanting to give my dog away even if I said I would?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it sounds like your partner is manipulating you because he doesn’t like your dog. However, your dog’s behavior is a separate issue from your partner.
You might want to check with someone you trust if your dog is disruptive, just so you can have that knowledge in your pocket.” Bandiberry-
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The best day of my life was the day I picked up my dog from the shelter and when I came home, my partner met me on the street.
We walked for not even 2 minutes and I was expressing how impressed I was with her given all she had been through, when he threw down her leash that he was holding and said “me or her!” And I said “her”. 13 years later she is the love of my life and we share a brain.
I will always pick her, and she will always pick me. I’m married now to someone who is her sun and her moon. Do not turn your back on your dog – your dog will always pick you. This guy is temporary. Do right by you and your baby and never ever turn your back on him.
My dog got lucky that I feel this way, do not be flimsy, stand by the commitment you made when you agreed to this dog. I spend my days pulling dogs off the euthanasia list, please finish what you started.” Shanbanan143
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
He’s lying. He asks if you’d do what he wants if he was allergic and then suddenly develops an allergic reaction to your dog? Bull. Also, as someone with pet allergies… You don’t leave the vicinity of the pet for 2 whole days and then have an allergic reaction.
It happens pretty immediately. When my allergies were much worse, to where I would get rashes… If a dog licked me, 5 minutes later I’d have hives. However, after a shower, the reaction would stop. If you’re allergic to pet saliva, once it’s off your body you stop having the reaction.
There’s always the chance your partner just hasn’t showered in 2 days… but that’s a red flag in itself.” EmergencyKind8967
20. AITJ For Kicking Out My Brother And His Family After They Disrupted My Home?
“My brother “Ellis” recently got a job in my city, that required an immediate start. He didn’t have the time or resources to find a place on such notice and his partner “Taylor” just had a baby 7 months ago (so he didn’t want to leave her alone) so he asked if they could stay at my place for a couple of months to get situated. Ellis is a responsible guy who doesn’t take advantage of people so I felt okay saying yes.
Ellis, Taylor, their 7-month-old baby, and Taylor’s daughter all moved in. Before they came I made it CLEAR that I would not tolerate them doing any sleep training or “cry it out” stuff with the baby. If the baby cries you need to make an immediate and reasonable effort to soothe him.
The other rule was Taylor was responsible for any damage her daughter did in the house (you would think this would be obvious but we’ve had previous incidents). The final rule was, neither I nor my husband would be doing ANY childcare. I am a SAHM to my own daughter, as well as having a side business, and my husband works very hard, just because we are home, does not mean we are available to provide childcare.
I thought it went without saying that they would be responsible for themselves in all other ways.
They accepted all the conditions and moved in.
It took two weeks to go into chaos. There were times I’d have to get up in the night to wake Taylor and Ellis to get the baby.
Taylor’s daughter has also not adjusted well to the move and is constantly playing sick to avoid going to school. Then, because she’s not really sick, she spends the day causing havoc. Taylor has been bugging me to help her with the kids despite agreeing she wouldn’t.
She’s also been expecting that she and her kids would be cooked and cleaned for.
So it was two weeks until I was getting annoyed and a further two weeks of me being on the edge. What tipped it over was earlier this week, I was picking my daughter up early from school and going out, and Taylor asked me to take her daughter with me.
She said she was drowning in things to do and the baby was fussing and she needed a break. I said no, Taylor swore at me and I just left.
When we got back a few hours later, the first thing I hear is the baby crying.
I go into the nursery…no Taylor. Her daughter is sitting on the couch watching TV and crying…no Taylor. My kitchen is a mess…no Taylor. I frantically search the whole house only to find Taylor locked in a closet. She said she couldn’t take it and needed a break.
I called Ellis and told him to get his backside home.
I sat them down and said they had to go. I said I would chip in for a hotel but I can’t do this anymore. Ellis thinks I’m being a jerk going back on the deal, but he and Taylor haven’t held up their end.
I do feel bad because I don’t want to stress Ellis out with his new job but I am going crazy. I hate being in my own home.”
AITJ for putting my foot down?
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… They didn’t hold their end of the deal. On the other hand, your SIL has no other people to rely on, I feel for her but this gives her not the right to dump everything on you.
It would be your brother’s responsibility, regardless of the new job. Just to clarify what does your husband say to this? Is he ok with the situation? Wish you luck.” ChapterPresent4773
Another User Comments:
“I’m so confused. Why didn’t Taylor and her kids stay where they were, and Ellis stay with you Mon-Fri until he found a place for them to live?
Sounds like Taylor is very much overwhelmed and struggling with little help from Ellis. Nurses say babies won’t die if you put them down and leave them to cry while you take a moment to compose yourself. Which is what Taylor was doing in the closet.
ESH.” excel_pager_420
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They didn’t follow the deal past the first 2 weeks, disrupting your family and your home. Taylor obviously needs help, but that’s not your responsibility and you made it clear prior to them moving in. Don’t feel a twinge of guilt.
You are going above and beyond by chipping in for a hotel. They need to get an extended stay motel (he’s employed), and get on the stick about looking for a place of their own.” BefuddledPolydactyls
19. AITJ For Being Upset When My Partner Didn't Add Salt To The Dish I Was Cooking?
“My (f27) partner (m30) and I are currently on vacation with his family. I have volunteered to cook most nights because I love to cook and am the best at it out of the entire group.
This evening, I was making a dish for everyone and asked my partner to please get me an array of seasonings for this specific dish (msg, soy sauce, pepper, and salt). He then said “if you’re using msg do you really need salt?” to which I explained that msg is not salty (has 1/3 of sodium content to regular salt) and that dishes using msg will still typically require salt.
I was cooking outside on a griddle and the dish comes together quickly so I was not able to go back to grab any additional seasonings. I realized shortly afterward that he did not include salt (just 3 of the 4 things I requested) when asked, he said we didn’t need it.
I tried the food, it was bland so he then proceeded to put on additional soy sauce which it did not need. It needed salt. Either way, I was defeated and needed to take it off so I served it as is, without salt.
Everyone upon being served said it needed salt and proceeded to salt their own dishes.
My partner stood by his decision and doubled down on his argument that you can’t remove salt, but you can add it and that he preferred how it tasted as is. I was fuming because he has done this in the past and says I occasionally over-season/over-salt food.
However, it does not happen regularly enough to be an issue. (occasionally accidental) I do 90% of the cooking at home and he loves my food.
We argued about it and he stood his ground that he prefers his food less salty and that if I salted it he would have been out of luck and not been able to eat any of it, however, the amount of salt it required was not enough to be overly salted and that I know for a fact the amount of salt I would have used he would have happily eaten it.
I told him his behavior felt controlling and he hit me with I could’ve grabbed more salt myself but again this dish if I stepped away would have burned quickly. AITJ for being angry and calling my partner controlling for not just getting me the salt when I asked for it initially?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The way he’s behaving is childish and controlling and honestly, if you ever do cook, you should have someone else helping you and not him considering the fact anything without even just a bit of salt just tastes extremely bland.
He saw his family’s reaction and he more than likely felt some embarrassment deep down but didn’t want to show it and instead acted out and continued to act as if he was right to not give you what you asked for.” Nixxin_N
Another User Comments:
“Ditch him. He won’t be able to eat it? That’s some childish nonsense. Tell him if he doesn’t give you the salt again, he has to find another partner. Seriously, he ruined your food, and ruined dinner for multiple people, because he couldn’t get the food exactly how he wanted it.
Please realize how selfish this is, and how willingly he did this. Now think of what he will do if you say need a medication that has side effects that inconvenience him…is he going to withhold your medication? Sounds crazy, but ruining dinner for a group of people over salt is pretty crazy.” bloodorangejulian
Another User Comments:
“It’s important to add salt as you cook, not after. It’s key to the success of many recipes and is done delicately “as you cook” different elements of the dish vs. dumping a ton of salt into it. Pasta: Great to add to the water it’s cooked in so it flavors the blandness of the pasta more, most of it will go down the drain after anyway!
Meats: Helps retain moisture and makes it more tender. Onions: helps draw out moisture and enhance flavor. Etc.! He needs to start doing the cooking. Stop doing it for his ungrateful self. Salt is only really an issue when someone consumes a lot of processed food.
When you cook at home, you control it.” lenajlch
18. AITJ For Letting My Daughter Choose To Live With Me Over Her Mom Due To Lack Of Privacy?
“I have 2 kids, but this revolves around my eldest, Gia (21). Myself and Gia’s mom, Kayla, divorced when she was a baby. We both went on to remarry.
My wife and I had our son who’s now 16. Kayla and her husband have 3 other kids who are 14, 12 & 8. When Gia was growing up, she alternated weeks and holidays between us. Once she went to college, she said she’d stay with her mom and stepdad during breaks but would still visit me, spend the night, etc. I was fine with it and understood it made more sense for her to stay in one place as an adult.
She still has a room at my place and my home is always her home.
Gia’s had some issues as her siblings on her mom’s side get older. Not so much her 12-year-old brother but her 8 & 14-year-old sisters are always going through her stuff.
Especially when she’s away at college. Stuff has gotten lost or broken. Kayla and her husband say they’ve spoken to them. They put a lock on the door and it works for when Gia is at school. But when Gia is home, if she forgets to lock her door, her sisters are in her room.
I’m not privy to what consequences are given for this, but Gia has grown increasingly frustrated. The final straw was when she woke up to her sisters pestering her. She says Kayla and her stepdad “fussed at them” but her sisters didn’t seem to care.
Recently, Gia came to me and asked if she could stay at my place during breaks and she’ll switch where she visits her mom and spends the rare overnight. She and her brother bicker like siblings do but he respects her privacy and overall, they’re a lot closer.
So, she feels it’s a better bet. I said absolutely, this is her home too.
Gia told Kayla, who then called me and was upset. She said we barely get to see Gia as it is because she doesn’t come home too often.
She was looking to spend more time together this summer. I pointed out she still can, but Gia will live with me. Kayla begged me to try to talk Gia out of it. I said no. I added maybe if she had taken things seriously (which I had told her in the past), Gia wouldn’t do this.
Kayla is now angry at me. She accused me of telling her how to parent kids who aren’t mine. I said I’m not, but she can’t be surprised. We’ve never had this big a disagreement before. We’ve always co-parented peacefully.
Now, things are rocky.
My wife feels I could’ve left out the part about this being Kayla and her husband’s own fault. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Facts are facts. Ex has allowed her children to run off her oldest. That’s on ex and step.
She can be mad all day long and project onto you but this was Gia’s adult decision. Too often, these days, everyone wants a soft landing pad. Clearly, the past conversations with ex on the subject went nowhere. Here we are present day, with the consequences of INACTION.
8 and 14 are old enough to understand respect and privacy. I’m so glad Gia has a dad who will stand up and by her. GO DAD!!” LouisV25
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but stop giving advice to your ex. Gia is an adult and I think the non-jerk behavior here is to let Gia decide where she wants to stay.
That’s exactly what you’ve done! You’ve been so flexible. You let Gia stay with her mom more, when she wanted, and now you are letting her stay with you more. You sound very easygoing. Your ex is a jerk because she wants to control where Gia stays and she doesn’t want to hear about how her actions may have caused Gia to leave.
(Sounds to me like you are right about that.) My advice would be to stop giving your ex advice. Just tell her that Gia is a grown woman and that you are going to let her make up her own mind about where she wants to stay.
Don’t argue about right or wrong or choices or consequences. That stuff obviously just upsets your ex, so instead just focus on the low-conflict message: “Gia is a grownup. Talk to Gia about this, not to me.”” SushiGuacDNA
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Gia could have been a little more conscientious about locking her door, but she shouldn’t have to.
It sounds like there were probably little to no consequences for the younger siblings getting into her stuff. It’s not that you are telling your ex how to parent kids that aren’t yours, you’re talking to her about parenting the child you share, which means making sure that she feels safe having her own things in her own room.” Own_Lack_4526
17. AITJ For Training My Partner's Dog Behind Her Back?
“My partner and I (both F29) have known each other since high school and only recently moved in together. We’re both animal lovers (with different definitions for that though) and have both grown up with animals and had multiple dogs so far. I knew she would want to have pets, however, we have wildly different approaches to having pets and different ideas on how they should be treated, which I knew was going to be a problem.
In short, she’s a traditionalist who has dealt with problematic dogs by rehoming them (ethically) and I’ve dealt with them by painstakingly researching dog behavior and behavior modification, eventually winning a disc dog competition with a formerly reactive border collie.
She adopted a 3yo female herding mix.
As expected, this put a bit of strain on our relationship, both due to increased general stress and disagreements on rules and training. I tried to gently point out the things I saw as my partner doing wrong with alternatives but she was dismissive and it only led to conflict.
I then decided we’ll just treat the dog differently but she got annoyed with me on multiple occasions for it, telling me she found my clicker dumb and asking me to stop giving the dog treats. She also set back my training, for example, I taught the dog basic cues such as sit, down, stay, and recall and was increasing criteria and fading out treats at the dog’s pace while she would increase criteria too fast, repeat the cue multiple times in an agitated tone, offer no reinforcement and poisoned cues by following them up with something aversive (recalling the dog to something scary, like a surface she was afraid to walk on).
This frustrated me but I didn’t want to communicate it, thinking it would just lead to more conflict and no useful outcome.
I then decided to try to lead by example and train the dog behind her back, no longer using a clicker or treats around her and changing the cues from the usual ones to ones in a language I speak and she doesn’t so she can’t poison cues I train.
My hope was she’s going to see results and change her mind once the training gets somewhere. This was easy as she works a blue-collar job with morning or evening shifts and I work a 9-5 remote one giving me a lot of alone time with the dog.
The dog quickly bonded with me and decided she was the spare human which I tried to deny because it hurt her feelings, the dog, however, didn’t get the memo and was super obvious. She’s also a super fast learner and we made a bunch of progress.
This weekend all 3 of us went on a long hike, my partner insisted on letting the dog off leash and I ended up showing off a bunch of the training we did, auto recall and heel while people and dogs passed us, release cue to greet someone or do what she wants, down stays, check-ins and such.
It didn’t go as I had hoped and instead of admitting she was wrong my partner got super hurt and offended, we didn’t talk for the entire hike and things are still tense.
AITJ? How do I fix this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The dog needed to be trained and she wasn’t willing to train it.
What did she expect? Considering you two are in a relationship and living together it’s hard for me to consider this as just her dog. The responsibility fell on to the two of you, you are the one who decided to act.” AfterPresentation878
Another User Comments:
“ESH. She seems like a pretty bad dog owner (in fact I have a lot of questions as to how she is caring for this dog, a herding breed is likely to need a lot of stimulation, and the idea that she insisted on it going off-leash on a hike without having trained it – as far as she knew it hadn’t been trained at least – is grossly irresponsible and incompetent) but it also feels inappropriate for you to have gone behind her back to train the dog, which definitely interfered with their bond.
Now, I agree the dog needed to be trained and is probably better off for what you’ve been doing with it, but the communication here was abysmal. You would have been within your right to INSIST that you two collaborate on training the dog, since she adopted it while you live together and you are very, very impacted by having an untrained dog in your home (especially since you are at home with it most of the day).
Your approach was childish and ripe to create drama and for her to feel undermined.” owls_and_cardinals
Another User Comments:
“Soft esh because I know you were doing what you thought was best, but really if you have this much drama over a relatively straightforward question like ‘can dogs be trained and if so what methods work’, you should be improving communication or even tbh reevaluating the relationship, not going behind her back.
If you can’t work out this over a dog I don’t see how this goes anywhere good.” mifflewhat
16. AITJ For Reporting A Girl's Homophobic Remarks In A Bible Study Club?
“My husband (42M) and I (42F) have 3 kids, our son Liam (12M) is in middle school.
At Liam’s school, there is a Bible study club, because this is a public school, the teachers and admin cannot be directly involved, they can only be present to ensure no one gets injured. Same rules would apply for an atheist club.
The Bible club was started by a boy (13M) who attends our church, we are Pentecostalists. He’s a good kid, loves baseball, and treats Liam with respect.
Liam has been bullied throughout his school career because he’s on the more feminine side, he loves Taylor Swift, ballet, and Stanley Cups.
My husband and I have always made it clear to Liam that we love him regardless.
The Bible study club is open to anyone, there is a girl (13F) in the club who started attending recently. Her family is Catholic, which we have nothing against.
The club met last week and the boy who I mentioned earlier asks the club if anything is on their mind, the girl says something along the lines of how “homosexuality is a sin” while looking at Liam. She said that boys should “not wear tight clothing, like ballet” and how men should be masculine and the providers.
It was very obvious these remarks were aimed at my son. The boy tried to stop her, but she kept going on.
Liam came home upset and told us what happened, my husband and I were enraged and contacted the school administration. The school is currently working on figuring out what the best plan of action is, students have a right to form religious clubs and they still don’t know what legally can be done.
The mother of the girl has been posting on social media about how I am discriminating against her daughter and being “bigoted” against Catholics. She said that her daughter has the right to talk about Liam however she wants.
My husband and I are feeling a lot of emotions and wondering if we are going too far.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“”She said that her daughter has the right to talk about Liam however she wants.” Oh, the malicious compliance implications of this sentence. The sweet, sweet malicious compliance and good for the gander ideas. If only I was mean enough and willing to harass a 13-year-old.
Darn. NTJ.” KronkLaSworda
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your son has a right to a safe and inclusive school. That includes extracurriculars. The mean girl and her mom are flat-out wrong. They may have an issue with homosexuality (albeit misguided, small-minded, and definitely not kind) but they do not have a right to target and talk about anyone.
It is sickening that they are using their religion to excuse their bigotry. If that girl cannot control herself during the meetings, she should be forced to withdraw. I really doubt Jesus would condone their behavior.” Pleasant_Test_6088
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – that girl can start her own Catholic club then if the students have a right to form religious clubs.
What students do not have a right to do is bully others which is what this girl is doing. Her not being able to attend the original group is simply a consequence of her own behaviour, not discrimination.” ariesgal11
15. AITJ For Being Upset Over My Partner's Prank About Keeping My Kitten?
“So I’m a college student and I live alone in a different place away from everyone close to me, same goes for my partner but she lives with her grandparents.
On my first day of living there, I bought a 2-month-old kitten so that I don’t feel lonely and she’s the sweetest most loving kitten I’ve ever seen, she always sleeps with me and follows me everywhere I go so you can say at this point she’s like my daughter.
I also got her before getting into a relationship with my current partner.
6 months later I had to travel abroad and I had to leave the kitten somewhere so my partner asked if she could take her until I’m back and I of course loved the idea so much and was happy she would stay with her.
One day she texted me saying that she wants to take her forever and will just get me another cat, at first I thought she was just messing around until I kept asking whether she was joking or not and she kept saying no. Then she said “I either take her or we’re over so you have to choose between her and me”.
I called her because all of that was on text and asked her again if it was just a joke or not, she said no and she sounded so serious. I got so tensed up because I couldn’t believe she was willing to end our relationship because of a cat and I thought to myself maybe she’s looking for a way to just get out.
Anyway I told her you know how much I love my kitten and how she’s the only company I have and I don’t want to replace her with any other cat, told her I got her as a little kitten and she grew up with me and I sounded really sad saying that.
Note that I still didn’t choose anything, I was in shock after hearing the stuff she said so I couldn’t just think.
She then started laughing after talking in a very serious tone and told me it was all just a prank and her mom and sister were in on it too and were laughing in the background.
I felt so embarrassed and hurt at the same time, I didn’t like the “prank” so I was a bit silent and told her that was not funny. She then said I’m annoying for not being able to take a joke and I need to chill.
She then started talking about how I’m not willing to do anything for her and everything I said was just empty words and that I failed the test. She said she’s a bit disappointed in me and that my reaction showed that I’d choose the cat.
She then started acting and texting me in a very dry way, I felt horrible after all that and hated myself for what I did and felt like I did her wrong and apologized to her.
AITJ for my reaction and do I deserve how she acted after the prank?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Get your cat back ASAP then RUN, not walk, away from this controlling jerk. If you stay with her, your life will consist of you ‘failing’ tests to worship her to the degree she needs, followed by you spending the rest of your time apologizing for failing such tests, and thanking her for graciously allowing you to breathe the same air as her.
Water will not be wet enough for this woman. Run, OP. RUN!” dragonsfriend-9271
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you can never trust your partner again, anything she says could be a lie and a test, and what if she puts your cat in actual danger out of jealousy?
Get your cat back and break up with that selfish (insert your favorite insult here). She enjoyed hurting you emotionally. This is not going to get better.” likeahike
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. From what it sounds like, you would’ve been able to take the joke if she said it was when you asked. She’s the jerk for keeping on telling you she was serious.
If she came clean when you asked about her being serious and you had reacted this way, I can see why you’d seem like a bit of a jerk. HOWEVER, because she kept on reinforcing the fact that she was serious and that she genuinely wanted to keep your kitten, she’s definitely the jerk, and you should get out of that relationship.” GEOKER69420
14. AITJ For Wanting My Husband To Prioritize Our Anniversary Trip Over A Bachelor Party And Wedding?
“My husband and I will have been married 15 years this month.
He’ll be out of town on business on our anniversary.
We were supposed to go to Hawaii on our tenth anniversary, but he lost a job that year so we canceled. He said we could do a special trip this year and I have been so excited about it, planning and dreaming.
His bonus turned out to be far less than we were expecting (which was to pay for our anniversary) and now we have to choose between him going to his cousin’s bachelor party and wedding or choosing to celebrate us and our marriage with a trip (note: we never take trips alone without kids and rarely go on dates).
I told him our marriage is more important than him attending the wedding and we could send a nice gift, but he says it’s inappropriate not for him to go. He says he should go to both events and if he gets a raise, maybe we will celebrate our anniversary.
Children aren’t invited so I have to stay home and watch them while he, my in-laws, and BIL/SIL (they have childcare) all attend together.
I’m heartbroken and feel completely rejected. AITJ for wanting my husband to prioritize our anniversary trip over a bachelor party and wedding?”
Another User Comments:
“In my heart, I feel NTJ but I think it’s no jerks here. Hawaii for an anniversary without the kids sounds fantastic but is a pretty big monetary commitment. I can understand that he doesn’t want to miss the bachelor party, particularly if he’s in the wedding party.
It doesn’t feel like this is anyone’s fault, just more like it sucks that all the things you are both wanting to do are in the cards right now due to circumstances out of anyone’s control. However, I definitely don’t think you are a jerk for how you feel.
This feels to me less about a location or a trip and more about not feeling like your marriage or this milestone is being fully celebrated and appreciated. Is there a more in-budget trip you can take together for sure and then start mutually saving for a bigger trip?
Good luck!” Moonlightprincess36
Another User Comments:
“It’s interesting that your husband has decided that the wedding AND bachelor party are can’t-miss events, but your anniversary trips can be canceled no problem. Oh, and that you should watch the kids to accommodate his decisions.
Where are you going when he gets back and takes over parenting to give you a break? I hope this is out of character and not emblematic of the 15 years you’ve spent together. NTJ.” Brainjacker
Another User Comments:
“Sounds like he’s happy for you to have no life while he gets to travel around for work and go on trips with family not caring that you will be left at home by yourself yet again.
He sounds incredibly selfish. I would be incredibly hurt by his dismissive attitude. It’s not even about Hawaii it’s about the fact he just does not value you.” Dear_Parsnip_6802
13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Honor My Sister's Late Father At My Wedding?
“I (27F) come from a loving but complicated blended family. My mom has 3 kids – my older sister Jen (37F), me, and my younger brother Jamie (25M). We each have different biological fathers.
Jen’s bio dad “Papa Mark” died tragically before she was born, which was very hard on my mom.
In a way, she is still grieving him even almost 40 years later. My bio dad is “Papa Gene” but he and my mom divorced after a year and he wasn’t very involved, though he paid child support. Jamie’s bio dad “Papa Roy” was our true father figure growing up.
He wasn’t biologically related to me or Jen but was extremely devoted – coming to all our events, teaching us life skills, taking us fishing, etc. An amazing dad.
When I was a teenager, completely by coincidence, Papa Gene and Papa Roy ended up working together offshore.
They became close friends. Roy’s positive influence led Papa Gene to become more present in our lives. So in high school Jamie and I kind of had 2 dads – Papa Roy was the most active father figure, but Papa Gene would show up for us too.
Jen had moved out by then, so she never bonded with Papa Gene the way Jamie and I did.
Papa Gene also had another daughter Erin (11F) and he’s a much more present father to her than he ever was to me, thanks to Papa Roy’s influence.
Sadly, Papa Roy passed away in 2021, which devastated us all, especially my twice-widowed mom. Even Papa Gene took it very hard as they were close friends. He was a pallbearer at the funeral.
I’m now getting married. For the ceremony, I want Jamie to walk me down the aisle holding a photo of Papa Roy.
Papa Gene will also walk with me as he’s my biological father. This upsets Jen because she wants her late father Papa Mark, represented too by having Papa Gene carry his photo. I offered to let Jen carry Papa Mark’s photo herself, but she insists Papa Gene should carry it to have “all the fathers of the family” represented.
However, I never knew Papa Mark and it feels strange to me to honor someone I didn’t meet the same way as Papa Roy. Jamie has offered to let Papa Gene carry Papa Roy’s photo – because they were so close – and Jamie would carry Papa Mark’s, but Jamie is Papa Roy’s biological son and looks just like him, so I’d prefer he carry Papa Roy’s photo to feel like part of him is there.
Jen is also upset that my younger sister Erin will be attending. It’s a child-free wedding, but Erin is my sister and it would be cruel to exclude her from something this important due to her age. Still, this looks to Jen like favoring Papa Gene’s family over her own kids (children under 7) who can’t attend.
I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but it’s my wedding and I really don’t want a man I never knew honored the same way as the father who raised me. AITJ? Should I have Papa Gene carry a photo of Papa Mark despite never meeting him, to make things “equal”?
Or is it reasonable to focus on honoring Papa Roy’s memory through Jamie since he was my active father figure?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your wedding!! Your sister is much older than the kids who are under 7, so she doesn’t need to be watched constantly and can be involved in a more mature way.
Sorry to your sister, but your mom’s first husband honestly has no meaning in your life. It doesn’t make sense for you to include him. If you wanted to honor him, you could save two seats at your wedding for both bio dads who have passed and say a prayer for them.
Bottom line, your sister doesn’t get to dictate how your wedding goes! Is she unmarried? Why doesn’t she just do these things at her own wedding?” Kubuubud
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and what your sister is asking is really not logical. How can you honor someone who you never met and is in no way related to you?
Your sister’s wedding is where she could have chosen to honor her father, asking you to do it is simply ridiculous. You have 2 father figures and are in your right to have them both represented at your wedding, that should be the end of it.
It is the same with who gets to attend or not. If you want your sister there but not your nephews, that is YOUR choice, YOU are the bride, the wedding is YOURS, no matter how she feels, your sister Jen has no say in this matter.” RavenclawEC
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your wedding, and you get to decide who fills what role. It sounds like you want the people who were closest to you represented, and that’s fine. You could have a little memorial at your wedding to honor all guests attending in spirit if that feels like a compromise.
You also get to decide who attends. Even if it’s a child-free wedding, most people understand that siblings, children of the bride or groom, and maybe kids in the wedding party are common exceptions.” ExRiverFish4557
12. AITJ For Refusing To Financially Support My Entitled Adult Son's Wedding?
“My son (22m) is getting married this June and I think we have done more than enough financially towards his life, at this point I personally feel like we’ve enabled him.
My husband and I are lower middle class, and have 3 other boys that we also care for, 2 are over 18 and one is 16. There’s no way that we can provide for them the same way we have our oldest, and it’s really not fair to them.
For starters, I gave my oldest his first car because he drove his brothers everywhere, and he helped out a lot so I had no problem giving him that car, but he trashed it!! By the time he went to college, he had completely run it into the ground, I got a new car and loaned him my minivan, but he trashed it too, it no longer drives and it’s parked outside his college apartment.
My husband loaned him our company vehicle and it’s well on its way to being completely trashed.
When he came to us and informed us that he was asking his significant other to marry him we had major hesitations, we still pay his car/health insurance and even though he was supposed to be helping with the car insurance he has maybe paid once.
I wouldn’t have let this go on this long (I should clarify he’s my stepson).
He texted me and asked “you guys are paying for the honeymoon right.” My head almost popped off. So my husband said he’d handle it. The deal he made is he’s going to give our son the company vehicle and we are done, he also is coming off our car insurance.
We are literally spent, we are not rich!
This weekend he tells me, hey we need to order the tux and I responded “We?” And he was like “yea it’s going to be a couple 100” and I was so shocked at the entitlement!
When it comes to the wedding I’ve worked with the bride and paid for things for the wedding so I haven’t been completely unhelpful, also paying for part of the wedding shower.
But we have 3 other kids, we literally can’t afford any more things that he as an adult should be paying for. AITJ??”
Another User Comments:
“You’re not a jerk but you and your husband created an entitled monster with your permissiveness. He trashed the first 2 cars and yet you’re giving him another.
Stop. You have 3 other children; you are jeopardizing your own financial future. He’s a big boy and if he’s old enough to get married, he’s old enough to support himself. Unfortunately, he’ll be the jerk about it and you’ll have to be firm that you have done all you can do for him and he’s on his own.
Your younger sons probably already have resentments about how he’s gotten everything and they won’t.” Upper_Assignment9201
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, personally I subscribe to the philosophy, only have a wedding that you can afford, and I’m assuming he’s a grown man. But you’ve already helped him, you said that you are paying for other aspects of the wedding, so you aren’t even leaving him high and dry.
So asking for more is being greedy. I do think you need to talk to him though. If you have been enabling him (and just giving him cars, letting him run them down, and then giving him a new one is enabling) it may not even occur to him that what he is doing is wrong.
Which sounds ridiculous and is ridiculous, but you’ve been financing him so why would he think that things change now? Sit him down, tell him he is an adult, he needs to start financing himself, and you will no longer be paying for his life.
Explain that a wedding is not a necessity and all the money up until now has simply been a gift, but he needs to pay for this, and all his future expenses on his own. Be clear with him.” NonsensicalBumblebee
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but not for your actual question.
You don’t have to contribute more than you want toward the wedding and honeymoon. BUT, you and your husband created this mess. You chose not to treat your kids equally, but instead, you expect him to just “understand”. Don’t spoil your kids and then be shocked that they are spoiled. When your kid trashes a car, you tell him to fix it.
When he’s supposed to pay for insurance, you request it every month. If he doesn’t pay, you administer a consequence (like calmly taking the car away since he doesn’t have insurance!) What you two actually did was akin to giving a drinking addict booze.
Now, you have created a second problem. Your younger kids are going to notice that they won’t be treated the same as the oldest.” OkSeat4312
11. AITJ For Wanting To Expose My Mom's Gross Habits To My Dad?
“I (20f) live at home temporarily with my parents (mom 50, dad 45). My mom has worked from home for YEARS and loves being outside on our back porch all day long while she works (mainly so she can smoke).
She is kind of sneaky when it comes to things like secret drinking and smoking during the day, which is frustrating for my dad and me because she always does too much and ends up trying to lie to us when we confront her for being intoxicated while on the clock.
Recently I’ve been home more during the day and have noticed gross habits of hers that make me a little sick to my stomach. She spits a lot on the ground. This isn’t too bad. But today I was just looking out a window to our back porch and saw her on a work call (not video) fully unzip her pants, sit on a wooden deck chair that my dad and I frequently use, and PEE on the porch.
(Mind you we have a bathroom not even 20 feet away inside the house).
She didn’t even hose it off? She put the cushion back on the chair and pulled her pants up and moved on with her day.
I am actually appalled and don’t know if I should tell my dad because it is so gross and he is a HUGE neat freak.
He would be so mad I think he’d consider a divorce since she never changes her behavior. I have been silent about many things for my mom but I’m genuinely so grossed out with this one.
So would I be the jerk if I confronted her or told my dad about what I saw?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ that’s super gross and your dad deserves to know his wife is doing that on the porch. But what stuck out to me is her secret drinking. When you’re dependent on booze you tend to start doing gross stuff out of convenience.
I’m willing to bet she’s intoxicated while she’s doing that in a deck chair. I’ve known several people who have done that in their car seats, bottles, etc because they didn’t feel like going to the bathroom.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. 1. She shouldn’t be intoxicated while she is working whether that be from booze or smoking.
2. Her doing that on the porch is absolutely disgusting. The fact she didn’t hose the chair off or the porch after is even worse. 3. If she thought there was no harm in it she wouldn’t be lying to you about how intoxicated she really is.
She has a problem. Unfortunately, addiction is her problem. She is addicted to not being sober. However. You would be the jerk if you don’t tell your dad about her doing that on the porch when there is a toilet not even 20m away from her and her using his furniture to do it.
Do it in a way that softens the blow somehow and ask him to not blow up at her about it. Your mum is gross. If she keeps doing it and you really don’t like it then move out. I can’t imagine doing that in front of my kid.
Just all of it ew.” deanwinchester2_0
Another User Comments:
“Of course NTJ. OP, sounds like you could be entering severe and permanent organ damage territory, simply because it will NOT get better. I have seen and experienced addiction, this is no longer in her control.
That’s a GENUINE red flag, and yes, it is gross, but more importantly, this is 100% the “sign” that people HAVE to intervene. You and your father can only do so much, but your mum realistically can’t do anything for herself without professional support. Whatever the outcome for the family is, you are more likely to end this story with help if you speak up now than if you turn a blind eye.
It was her choice to begin with; it’s not anymore.” smashingmolko
10. AITJ For Wanting My Daughter To Throw Away A Toy As Punishment For Disobedience?
“Context: My daughter (5F, almost 6) does not seem to care recently about being obedient at home (she is generally very respectful and obedient in other settings).
She has a hard time completing her work at school due to being easily distracted. I’ve recently asked her not to bring different items to school with her because they will cause further distraction. She has brought them to school anyway (1-2 other times in the past few weeks).
Situation: Yesterday, she wanted to take a silly bunny hat from the dollar store to school. She just got it a couple of days ago. It has little strings that make the ears pop up. Knowing it would be an additional distraction for her as a kid who is easily distracted, and that it would also be a distraction to other kids in a public school classroom of 25-30 kids, I told her no, that she needed to leave it at home.
Today, I found it in her backpack as I was getting her ready for school (i.e., she took it yesterday after I specifically asked her not to). I asked her if I told her not to take it to school, and she agreed that yes I did ask her not to.
She also said the teacher had to ask her to put it away. I told her I’d think about what her consequences would be.
She’s generally reasonably behaved at home, but lately, she has been doing the opposite of what has been asked a LOT.
We (wife and I) are not spankers, which means we generally resort to taking away toys or sending her to the corner as punishments.
Because she has done this a few times now, I want to show her we are serious about the disobedience and link the punishment directly to the “crime” by having her throw it in the trash after she gets home and we discuss it again, since talking to her about obedience and respect, and temporarily taking things away hasn’t made it click for her.
I personally have a tendency to be hard on her over “little stuff” (I’m working on that) and my wife is more lenient, but my wife already supports this as punishment. The concern over disobedience isn’t a personal pride thing (most of the time, we aren’t perfect), but a concern that she does not respect authority and that it will be harder to rein her in as a “big kid”/pre-teen/teen, and that she will not respect authority at an age where there are more drastic consequences.
WIBTJ if I make her throw it away after school, or is it just a kid being a kid and I should let it go?”
Another User Comments:
“I made a “toy jail” (Large brown paper bag with jail written across it and jail window with bars with black Sharpie).
My son (now 34 yr old) would have to put the violating toy in jail (bag would be held in the trunk of the car afterward). After a set amount of good behavior, toys would be released. Sometimes, I would sing the “Cop” song… “Bad toys, bad toys what you gonna do, when (name) can’t play with you!” He learned that there were consequences for his behavior, good or bad (reward or termination of rights) just like in real life without too much traumatization.
If you MAKE her outright throw away something she likes, she might glorify the toy and hold it against you and only remember/attribute your reaction and not her actions that led to the destruction.” Quick-Alternative-83
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ. But you would be needlessly excessive.
Throwing it away is final. You can’t really go anywhere else from there. Taking it away for a month is the equivalent of throwing it away. But also gives you a chance to use it as a reward if her behavior improves.” SmamelessMe
Another User Comments:
“Sounds like she made an impulsive mistake, who’d a thunk a 5 y/o was capable of that right? Do you want your daughter to grow up respecting you or fearing you? Do you think she’ll learn, through this sort of punishment/retribution, to feel comfortable seeking your help when she makes real mistakes as she grows and matures into a being a big kid, a teen, a young adult….
YTJ if you force her after one childish, pun intended, indiscretion. Like, incredibly huge jerk.” OhSoScotian77
9. AITJ For Refusing To Play My Daughter-In-Law's Communication Games?
“My son has been married for almost a year now. I have multiple DILs but this is about Sally. Sally in the best way is indecisive. I would invite her out and we would have a good time and then the next day she ignores all texts for a month.
After I stop texting her since I get no response she will be blowing up my phone. I have gotten so many phone calls from my son that I should communicate with her more. Every single time I point out that she doesn’t respond.
One moment she will text me constantly and then the next week she won’t respond. It’s an endless loop.
To be honest, I am tired of doing it, my son tells me to give her grace since this is how she handles her relationships.
I am over it and I don’t know what is going on with her and no one will explain when asked. I have tried talking to them both and nothing.
This week she has been constantly texting me after not responding to anything after Christmas.
She asked me to go to lunch and I turned her down.
She asked why and I told her that I can’t be doing this game with her. That she ignores me for a month and then wants us to be besties. That she needs to decide what she wants with our relationship since I am tired of being tugged around.
She hung up.
My son is upset at me and calling me a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It doesn’t sound like you were disrespectful, spoke honestly, and had the evidence to support your position. She can pout and stomp her feet all she wants, she did this to herself.
The only person she can be upset with is herself. It’s not your responsibility to chase her around trying to maintain a relationship.” BulbasaurRanch
Another User Comments:
“While I don’t think the onus is on you to drive the communication like your son seems to think, I do think it would be more pleasant for you if you treated this as a more casual relationship.
Invite her out every now and then, it doesn’t have to be often, if she doesn’t respond promptly then make other plans. If she invites you out, I don’t see the harm in accepting provided that you’re free and actually enjoy her company. An invitation to lunch doesn’t have to be an invitation to be BFFs and constant texts every day.
Maybe a lunch every month or two to catch up is the kind of relationship that will work better for you two. It seems you have a closer relationship with your other DILs, which is great, but not every relationship has to be like that.
NTJ, but I don’t think it’s impossible to find a relationship that works for both of you, if you want to.” Plastic_Concert_4916
8. AITJ For Switching Pillows After My Fiancé Only Washed His Pillowcase?
“My fiance (28M) and I (26F) have lived together for almost 3 years. I usually wash the sheets, or they get washed because I asked him to. I have never washed sheets and only washed my pillowcase, I always wash both. Today he asked me to leave the washer open for him to do clothes, no problem.
He then decided his pillowcase could use a wash, but not the whole bed. Didn’t take my pillowcase off, just his. I told him it was wrong and joked about how I ‘would never do this to him’ to make him feel bad, but he never offered his pillow instead.
When we got to bed he took his pillowcase out and put it on his pillow. He went to get the dog so I switched our pillows (we have the same exact pillows and sheets). When he got back, I told him what I did.
He’s saying I’m wrong for this and it’s a ‘bad quality’ of mine to be vindictive like this. I say that after 3 years I literally can’t believe he thinks that, considering I would never think to waste an entire load of laundry on just my pillowcase when his is right there.
(Obviously this is NBD but the first time we both can’t agree to disagree) AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I don’t think ESH. If the one pillowcase is deemed dirty enough to wash, the entire sheet set is as well. It’s frustrating when grown adults act selfishly and like they don’t know how to operate.
Is it petty to take his pillowcase? Yes, but I wouldn’t go as far as to say you’re a jerk.” maandycandyy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He was thoughtless minimally and at worst, selfish and lazy. It’s a pillowcase. If this is the hill either of you want to die on, it’s not about the pillowcase but a bigger issue.
If it was no big to wash just one clean, then it’s no big deal to take the clean one either.” Antelope_31
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and it’s not because him putting his pillowcase in a wash with his clothes is a bad thing on its own.
The problem here is that OP notices the bedding is dirty and takes the initiative to wash it all. On this rare event where he notices, it doesn’t occur to him that maybe all the rest of the bedding needs washing too, he just does his single pillowcase and leaves the rest for when OP does it as usual.” treelover164
7. AITJ For Being Uncomfortable With My Partner's Family's Treatment Of Their Staff?
“I’ve (25M) been seeing this girl (24F) for about 5 months. I knew her family was well-off based on the stories she told me about her upbringing, but I didn’t get a chance to meet her parents until this week when we all went to their beach house to spend a few days and celebrate her father’s 60th birthday.
The house wasn’t just HUGE but it also employed a staff of about 8 people. I was never used to being served like that, and I witnessed some behaviors from my partner and some of her family towards the workers that made me feel uncomfortable.
Some examples:
A) after our first night, I heard her mother tell one of the housekeepers to clean the bedroom my partner and I were staying in. I told her mother everything was in order and that I already made our bed before leaving. Her mother then told me (in the presence of the housekeeper) that I shouldn’t bother because that’s her (the housekeeper’s) job.
B) the other morning my partner and I woke up after everyone else had their breakfast. I went into the kitchen to grab some coffee and saw the cooks were already starting to prep for lunch, so I told them I didn’t want to bother them and made the coffee myself.
My partner came into the kitchen moments later and saw me making coffee; later that day she complained to her mother (without even asking me how things came about) that the cooks left me to make my own coffee. I had to explain everything.
C) on her father’s birthday, they had a fancy dinner with some other guests that came just that day, and some of the staff were made to stand in the room with their backs to the wall as we sat at the table and ate (it was like some Downton Abbey stuff).
I kept my mouth shut for the entire trip, but as soon as we came back I couldn’t hold it any longer and told my partner it made me really uncomfortable to see how she behaved towards the staff and also gave some examples of instances when I felt her parents were rude to them.
My partner didn’t take this well. She said that I’m the jerk here for judging their lifestyle. In her mind, we had a perfect week together and I was withholding my judgment until I could unleash it all on her. I don’t think I’m a jerk for speaking my mind.”
Another User Comments:
“Obviously people, regardless of their job, should be treated with respect. But, I just want you to consider a different perspective for a second – the staff might be 100% ok with the behavior you saw, if they’re paid enough/feel confident that it’s better than other job options.
An outsider seeing my job would probably think some parts of it are ridiculous, but those parts are worth it to me as the person actually doing the job. For example, when your partner’s mother said “don’t make your bed, that’s the staff’s job”, a staff member hearing that might think “she’s right, please don’t do my job for me because then she has no reason to pay me for that job.” I’m not saying you’re in the wrong feeling uncomfortable with the behavior that you saw, I’m just cautioning you that you might be white-knighting for people who are actually ok with the work environment that you saw.” Icythyosaurus
Another User Comments:
“I feel you, and I get where you’re coming from but on this one occasion YTJ sorry. It is a paid housekeeper’s job to make the bed. You put the kitchen staff in a bad spot: they were not supposed to let you make coffee but they couldn’t contradict you as the partner of one of the family.
The staff, like any other waiter at a restaurant, just stands around and stands by waiting for the moment to bring the food in or the plates away. Imagine you were in a hotel. The cleaning crew has a job to do, that job includes the bed, the bathroom, the towels… Imagine you go to a café and want to make your own coffee so as to not disturb the employees.
Imagine you’re in a restaurant and ask the waiter to sit down and eat with you or you just bring your own plate and glass in the kitchen. It’s just not OK, not how it’s done, and above all, those are working people with a job and job descriptions.
You have to respect that. Your partner should have told and prepared you, but perhaps she didn’t know she needed to. That’s her fault, maybe she’s just naive, I don’t know. The fact is, that’s the way things are run at her place. Can you accept it and not see it as exploitation (the staff is working and is compensated) or does this make you uncomfortable?” blearghstopthispls
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ to the question asked but everyone here sucks.
A. Do you know what a housekeeper is? Cleaning and tidying up is her job… you’re acting like it’s not respectable. Sounds sort of hypocritical with a hint of self-righteousness.
That being said, the polite thing would’ve been to explain to you what job responsibilities the housekeeper has in a more delicate way.
B. How did your partner and her mom respond once you clarified? Again cooking, coffee, etc. for the house is the cooks’/kitchen staff’s job… if they’re ignoring the owner’s guests’ culinary needs then they’re not doing their job.
If they still were going to reprimand the cooks/kitchen staff after your explanation then that isn’t cool—unless they’re supposed to take over for guests.
C. Again… I’m not sure what’s the problem here. If the servers’ job is to serve the table then what do you expect?
Did you expect them to stand in another room peeping around corners or through windows like a stalker?” The_Wise-ish_Rabbit
6. AITJ For Refusing To Walk My Step-Daughter Down The Aisle Because Of Her Insensitivity To Her Biological Father's Condition?
“I (46M) have been married to “Kate” (48F) for over a decade. Kate has two daughters from her previous marriage, “Selena” (29F) and “Amy” (25F). We have a daughter “Lynn” (12F) together.
Two years ago Selena got married and although I was invited to the wedding, I wasn’t a part of the ceremony.
Selena is very close with her bio dad and doesn’t see me as a father figure, which I respect because we still have an amazing relationship. Amy considers me a father figure, though.
I also have a very good relationship with Kate’s ex and the girls’ bio dad, “Ron” (54M).
We bonded over football and we went to many games together. I don’t have many friends since I moved to another state, but I consider Ron a very good friend of mine.
Amy is planning a wedding and this is when the conflict ensues.
She wants me to be the one to walk her down the aisle and the one to dance with her. I felt very honored until I found out the reasoning behind this decision.
Around five years ago, Ron suffered a serious injury that affected his mobility.
Fortunately, he isn’t paralyzed or anything, but Amy claimed that his limp would get in the way of having nice wedding videos. I was shocked and appalled and disappointed in how cold and brutal she treated him. Ron was very involved in her life and loves her so much, and his condition wasn’t even an issue for Selena when she was getting married.
I politely declined her request and this is when crap hit the fan. Ron found out that she wanted me to take his place and he decided to not participate in the wedding at all, also deciding to not contribute financially. His wife, “Belle” (F38), called Amy and said that she is a jerk and that she won’t be contributing financially either.
Amy and Belle had a pretty good relationship and Amy relied on their financial support when she was planning the wedding. I decided to not participate in this wedding either since Amy decided to exclude her own father and my best friend.
Now Amy says that I’m a jerk for refusing to pay for the wedding, to participate in it, and ruining her special day.
Kate says I’m being too harsh on her since she lost the support of her bio dad and stepmom. Her fiancé is on her side too. Selena, Ron, and Belle think that she’s a jerk and pretty much cut her off, expecting me to cut her off as well.
Luckily Lynn doesn’t have a distinctive opinion. The drama is snowballing with every next day and I feel like I need to hear some outside opinions.”
Another User Comments:
“Amy isn’t THAT ‘special’. Sounds like in spite of families that remained close and navigated the ‘step-parent’ issues – you raised a brat.
That videos or photos are more important to Amy than the feelings of her father…should be a red alert for the man marrying her. Your wife is wrong – Amy did not “LOSE” the support of her father and stepmother – she threw it in their face.
I think your stepdaughter should pay for her own wedding and walk herself down the aisle. Amy STARTED the drama – she’s the only one who can end it. Right now, I think she’d be better off eloping.” omeomi24
Another User Comments:
“Freedom of choice doesn’t mean freedom from consequences.
She decided that her father’s limp was more of a detraction from her wedding than the removal of his love and financial support. She decided that the look of her wedding video was more important than her looking like a self-centered, entitled, mean-spirited girl. She showed everyone who she is and is unhappy that she’s not being praised for her cruelty.
She is harvesting what she chose to plant. NTJ.” lostinthought1997
Another User Comments:
“Amy is stupid in addition to selfish and mean. While I DO NOT agree with this personally, if she had thought about it for two minutes, followers seem to love heartwarming moments like a wedding when someone who may not be 100 percent in life has a truly happy moment.
She could have really run with it since she sounds like the type of person who cares about how much social clout she has. But to your question NTJ – and I’m disappointed in your wife not understanding the magnitude of what her daughter has done.” beansblog23
5. AITJ For Not Inviting My Sister's Older Partner To My Wedding?
“In a few months, I (F29) will be getting married to my fiance Jason (M32) who is the love of my life.
We have a date, a venue, and a theme ready and the next step was to send out invitations. For some more context, my relationship with my sister Harriet (F23) has been strained over the last few months because of her relationship with her partner Anthony (M51).
I vocally disapproved of her relationship from the get-go because of the age gap, reasoning that Anthony is taking advantage of her. However, my pleas have largely fallen on deaf ears, as Harriet’s continued to see Anthony and insists that the two of them are in love.
Anyway, when Jason and I were mailing out invitations, we sent one to Harriet but made sure that she didn’t have a +1, because I don’t want Anthony at my wedding since a) I don’t like him and b) he’ll be a distraction. When Harriet found out, she called me absolutely livid and tore into me for being “callous” and “ageist.” I countered by saying that it was my wedding and that I had full discretion over who was and wasn’t allowed to come and that was that, and that she could either come by herself or not come at all.
Harriet and I haven’t spoken since then and I feel a little guilty about this, but at the same time I feel like I’m making the right choice.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But I’d be REALLY careful to not say it’s because you’re only offering plus ones to serious couples as this progresses.
That’s a recipe for a Vegas wedding and her doing an impromptu wedding speech to announce it waiting to happen.” Parking_Librarian926
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. As someone whose sister has seen a much older man, this is not how you fix it. Unless he is hurting her, you have to let her make her own decisions since she is an adult and you need to respect that.
The relationship will either endure or fizzle out on its own but will your sister still be in your life afterwards? If he is hurting her in some way, you will want to be a soft place for her to land. Choose your actions wisely.” blugirlami21
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The age gap is large, but your sister is an adult and you’re using your wedding as a way to try and pick at her/control her. You’re absolutely allowed to decide who comes and who doesn’t, but in this situation, you’re doing it with the possibility of costing yourself your relationship with your sister.
I know if MY sister constantly badgered me about my spouse, I’d go NC. Is this a hill worth dying on?” MyPath2Follow
4. AITJ For Asking My Fiancé's Son To Reimburse Me For Booze He Drank Without Permission?
“I recently won a raffle of a Yeti cooler full of booze including two large jars of Ole Smoky Moonshine.
I put all of the beverages in the refrigerator in the garage where we keep the drinks. I had planned on either re-gifting it or taking it on a camping trip in May to share with the group we are going with (16 people).
I went to the refrigerator this morning to get a soda and noticed that the seals on both of the jars of moonshine had been broken.
I did not open it nor did my fiancé. His son (20) has been warned before that we do not tolerate substance use at all nor him consuming booze until after he is 21 as his mother is crazy and we don’t want to get caught up in anything.
His son last summer had asked to drink one of my strong beverages in the can and I informed him no he was not 21 and I only had two left. Well, the next morning I wake up to the fact that he ended up drinking one anyway and when his father confronted him he laughed as if it wasn’t a big deal. I want to ask him to reimburse me $50 as they are $25 each so that I can take unopened jars camping and also to teach him a lesson.
I do not think it acceptable to “brush” it under the rug. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I would advise talking to the fiance about it and presenting it to him and having him deal with his son or as a team. Relationships with stepchildren are difficult enough let alone with adult ones who aren’t being responsible, it will be easy for him to blow you off and disrespect you if you go it alone.
If you are unified then you can have a plan, if he doesn’t pay then he needs to start paying rent and deposit, his phone is turned off and he will have to pay for his own line and to have an account activated, insurance is cut off.
Whatever it is you decide together but make a plan and have the long-term costs for him be more than the $50 so that you get your money back and he has to start taking responsibility for the actions over the long term.” WhoJGaltis
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you got a bigger problem than the $50. Even if he was 21, he still shouldn’t be taking things without permission. He needs to be taught a lesson, take his phone or gaming console away. When he asks for it, laugh at him and say it’s no big deal. See how it feels to take something that doesn’t belong to you?
Once you pay me the $60 (50 plus 10 penalty) you can have your stuff back. I’m holding on to it as collateral. If it happens again you will lose it for 1 week after you pay the money back.” 18k_gold
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here – it was rude of him to try your drinks without asking.
But it seems like he took a sip of both flavors, he didn’t drink them all. So he owes you what like $3.50 if it was an oz of each, unless you plan on giving him both jars now. Y’all are being insane about the booze.
He’s 20 not 17 why does it matter what his mother thinks? It’s also likely legal to give your child booze in your state, it’s legal in a little over half of the states. It seems like y’all are being excessively stubborn about the booze instead of teaching them how to enjoy it responsibly.” KingDerpDerp
3. AITJ For Selling Guavas From My Tree Instead Of Letting Them Fall Into My Neighbor's Yard?
“I inherited a house from my dad from his passing a few years ago. His house came with a guava tree in the yard. The tree has been there for a good portion of my teen years and is special to me.
My wife and I were one day thinking of ways for extra income and realized we could literally sell off the fruit. Got the permit and started to prepare guava in different ways. For reference, I sell the fruit whole, spliced and put into cups, candied, etc.
We realized that while the branches weren’t exactly hanging over our neighbor’s lawn, sometimes guava would either fall over or buck against the fence at the right angle and end up over there. So my wife and I purchased a tree fruit net for the side of the tree that was closer to the neighbor’s yard.
Since then I don’t think any fruit has fallen to their yard which is good.
What led me here today is that last week while my wife was out on the lawn, the neighbor’s kid approached her and asked what happened to the fruits.
My wife explained that we keep the fruits in a net so that we can have more. Apparently, the kid ran off and came back with their dad who asked my wife the same thing. She explained again and, from what she said, the father looked like he took it personally.
Asked if we thought he was stealing and my wife explained no, we didn’t think that, we just want to maximize the fruit that falls from our tree since we do use it for some profit.
Today the same neighbor knocked on the door and I answered. He asked if we could talk about the fruit tree situation.
He said that he thinks it’s selfish how my father would freely let the fruits fall wherever but now that I’m here I’m hoarding the fruit. I explained that the tree is my property so whatever comes from the tree is also my property.
I said he could buy guava from us if he wanted but he looked more upset that I would even recommend that. I’m glad his kid liked the fruit but now that I’m making money off this I can’t just let that happen freely.
He called me selfish again and that I could at least spare a few. I said again he could buy some from me if he wanted. I offered a box for $5
Now every time we see him around he doesn’t smile at us which I guess is expected but now they let the dog poop on our lawn and he keeps telling his kid loudly that the “neighbors killed the fruit fairy”.
Some of the neighbors are still cool with us but it’s like we made an enemy from him and I’m feeling slightly guilty for the kid.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your tree, your net, your fruit, your side of the fence. The jerk votes are silly.
However, totally separate from whether you’re the jerk, giving away a few bucks worth of fruit once a year is probably the smart thing to do to keep the neighbors neighborly. The goodwill of the people who live next to you is often important in life.” SpaceJesusIsHere
Another User Comments:
“When he talked you about it, it would have been the neighborly thing to offer him a box every year. It’s $5 by your accounting. Is a measly $5 worth the bad feelings between neighbors and a kid’s happy childhood memories of guavas from next door?
Absolutely not. That’s why YTJ. Is what you’re doing legal? Yes. But is what you’re doing selfish and unkind? Also yes. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. If I were you, I’d stop by their house and apologize and give them a box of fruit.
Tell them that upon further examination you realize you hurt their feelings by your unneighborly actions and let them know you will offer them a box every year going forward.” Choice_Mongoose2427
2. AITJ For Letting My Ex's Daughter Move In Without Asking My Partner?
“A few years ago I was with a woman a bit older than me.
I was 22 at the time and she was 34. She had a 13-year-old daughter. We used to work together and when she got kicked out by her ex she asked me if she and her daughter could stay with me for a while. We ended up being together for just over a year until she was unfaithful to me and I kicked her out.
That was three years ago. However her daughter and I stayed in touch, she’d message me sometimes to ask how I was doing etc.
I’ve been with my current partner (21) for 3 months, we don’t live together but we spend most weekends together. Usually at her place.
Anyway, a week ago my ex’s daughter called me and asked me if she could move in with me for a bit as her mother had moved in with an abusive guy and she didn’t feel safe staying there. She’s 16, and in our country, you can move out at 16 without parents’ consent so I agreed and I picked her up the next day after work.
I talked to my ex and she denied that her new partner was being abusive but she told me to take her daughter as she was “tired of dealing with her”.
I told my partner afterwards about this whole situation and she got really upset with me that I didn’t ask her.
So I told her that we don’t live together, and I spend most weekends at her place anyway. We had a fight about this and even though it’s been a few days she’s still angry with me.
So AITJ here for not asking her beforehand?”
Another User Comments:
“Not EXACTLY the jerk, but not entirely NOT the jerk, either. The thing is, your partner entered a relationship with a single, child-free man. Suddenly, there’s another woman living there. She’s just a kid, but she wasn’t there before, your partner wasn’t told about her or introduced to her.
There doesn’t seem to have been any discussion about how long she may be staying for, or what the long-term plans are. She wasn’t given any warning of this, and you don’t seem to realize that you have moved all the parameters of this relationship.
While you did a good thing for the child, I think you just accidentally screwed your relationship with your partner, because of the way you did it.” ZookeepergameWise774
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not asking your partner; BUT – you need to think this through, IMO.
Surely you know how this looks to others right? I mean, I would have checked into it to make sure the girl is safe – but many 16-year-olds are at that age where they don’t want to be told what to do and are rebelling.
Is that what’s going on here? Or is she TRULY in a potentially abusive situation? Is there not someone else this young lady can stay with? How long will she be with you? I think your relationship life will be seriously affected by this, as it looks sketchy to have a teenage girl living in your home.” T-nightgirl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for protecting a young girl from a possible abusive situation. YTJ for not mentioning this to partner. Given the time frame, you appear to be 26 and the daughter is 16. Looks fishy. I can see why the partner is angry. Do you have a timeframe for how long the daughter is going to stay with you?
If your ex doesn’t dump her partner, are you seriously contemplating having this girl living with you full-time for the next 2 years?” TossingPasta
1. AITJ For Forcing My Anxious Daughter To Attend A College Meeting?
“For the past few years, my daughter F17 has been extremely depressed and has been having huge anxiety attacks whenever she has to leave the house. She hasn’t been diagnosed with anything, but we are going through autism assessments and ADHD ones too. It’s been difficult on her with all the appointments, and I understand how she feels though she always says I’m not listening to her and I’m too harsh when I make her do things.
Edit: She was sent to medical professionals last year to test for BPD but it was a waste of time as they can’t diagnose until she’s 18.
Three days ago, she had a meeting with her teacher at college to do some extra college work as she finds it difficult to concentrate in class, so this meet-up was going to be very helpful for her.
She woke up on that day an hour before the meeting and was angry about the fact she had to leave. I gave her two options. I said that she either went to the meet-up or she stays at home and gets kicked out of college.
She has already had 4 chances at this college and has been kicked out of two before so nobody else would take her. She can’t get a job either from intense anxiety or this huge fear of leaving the house.
My partner took her to college, and she didn’t speak to her once in the car.
Then she got out and called her, she called her names I can’t repeat and said I shouldn’t have made her go because she was too anxious and hates going. Also, it being the Easter holidays and it wasn’t natural to go during them?
She went in and finished the meeting about an hour later.
She got home and was perfectly fine. Though my partner says that I maybe should have let her have it off today and worked something out with the teacher. My partner says she could have been having an episode and I shouldn’t have said anything because it’s not our daughter’s fault.
(She can’t deal with emotions well])
I don’t agree but does that make me the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is not going to make me sound good but here it goes: I have been diagnosed with ADHD and depression. I get in these moods where everything seems stressful and overwhelming but once I do whatever it is, I’m fine and it’s never as big a deal as it was in my head.
Example: We moved to a new area where we didn’t know anyone last year. I needed to get a job. I found something I was interested in, applied, and set up the interview. I was pretty excited about it. When the day came I did NOT want to go and was having a complete panic attack about the whole situation.
My husband got me out of bed and helped me get ready. He drove me to the interview and I panicked the whole way. But I went in, did the interview, was offered the job, and I started a few days later. I ended up getting promoted and got a raise within 2 months.
I’m not lazy and I am pretty motivated when working. But the thought of going to that interview seemed like too much. My point is this is what you will HAVE to do until you can get her diagnosed and properly medicated. You cannot just “let her off.” Your partner is enabling her.
If my husband hadn’t dragged me to that interview I would have spent the next few months falling into a deep funk. You cannot let her lay around and wallow.” FatChance68
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – anxiety and depression thrive on giving in to their symptoms. It’s hard to fight them but when your daughter gives in, the anxiety and depression are reinforced and it becomes easier to give in next time.
She needs to fight it for her well-being. She needs to fight it so it lessens its grip on her. It’s not an easy thing to do. It’s not something that happens quickly. But she can do it. Cheer her on when she does what seems easy to you but impossible to her.
It will get better but you’re all in this for the long haul.” InevitablyAtTheBeach
Another User Comments:
“Probably controversial, but I feel like this is a situation where YTJ and yet, you did the right thing. Yes, everyone is right that she needs therapy and perhaps you are pushing her too hard in college when it’s clearly not the right fit for her at this time–but I know from experience with family members that once you accept that she’s not capable of doing anything and allow her to just sit at home all day, it’s extremely hard to come back from this and have her become a contributing member of society.
So on paper, you handled it all wrong, but she came home and acted fine because the anxiety leading up to this meeting was worse than actually having the meeting.” JeepersCreepers74
The world unfortunately doesn't care about her issues and neither will the landlord. Unless you have her set up to be independently wealthy when you're gone she's gonna have to learn to fend for herself, take the bull by the horns and face her fears.
Not downplaying her issues by any means but this is the reality of it. You would be failing her as a parent if you didn't try your hardest to prepare her for the future. Good luck to you all
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