People Expect Us To Be Honest In Judging Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories

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We never want to consider ourselves to be an antagonist in someone's life. We think we can't possibly be awful people, even if we aren't the kindest sometimes. Well, there are moments when we really need to examine ourselves closely and realize that things aren't always so clear-cut. Even if you are a good person, you can occasionally act badly. These folks are curious as to whether they are the real villains in these stories. Tell us who you think is the real jerk as you read on. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

17. AITJ For Saying My Partner's Roommate Can't Come To Thanksgiving?

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“Me (26F) and my partner (34M) have been together for nearly a year and a half now. Tomorrow, he’s coming to Thanksgiving dinner at my dad’s house and meeting my family for the first time.

I’m extremely family oriented and it’s so important to me that he’s finally meeting them. This also means the world to my family because I rarely bring men home and they’ve been wanting to meet him for a long time.

He’s aware of this and how much this meeting means to me and has assured me that he’s looking forward to it too.

This afternoon, he asked if his roommate could come too. I was caught off guard and said no. I didn’t even ask my family who I’m sure would say yes, but it’s a hard boundary for me.

I barely know his roommate but he’s military and will not be able to be with his own family for the holiday, which is why my partner asked. I understand and appreciate his compassion and kindness but I need this event to be just him, me, and my family without his buddy who is a stranger to me.

I called him to talk through it, but he was extremely upset and wasn’t really responding. I asked if he was still coming and he said yes. Then, I asked if he was okay and he said no but that he will be.

I told him to reach out to me when he’s ready and that I understand if he doesn’t want to talk to me right now so I haven’t heard from him since the phone call a couple of hours ago.

I feel like a massive jerk but this is one of the rare events where I’ve put my foot down in this relationship and refused to accommodate his wants. So, AITJ?

Updates: I have briefly met his roommate (ie ‘hi, bye’) on multiple occasions.

We barely know each other, though, because he has a schedule that makes it so he’s rarely around when I am and we’ve never had the opportunity to have a full conversation surpassing basic greetings. I made it very clear that I’d love to have him and include him in my family but the first meeting between my parents and partner wasn’t the place to do so.

My partner has not met my family because I’m very particular about who I bring home and will not bring someone home unless I am 100% comfortable that that is the correct choice. I’m protective of my family and don’t want them to get attached. I get it’s unconventional but it’s my choice and every party involved respects that.

I ended up apologizing to my partner, asking my parents, and inviting his roommate (who wasn’t aware my partner had asked about him coming). He can’t even come anyways.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

First of all, asking the day before the event is rude, in my opinion.

Especially for something that involves a lot of cooking.

If you truly don’t know the guy, it’s also rude of your partner to want to invite a stranger to YOUR family’s house for a holiday.

Yes, maybe Thanksgiving is supposed to be about generosity and giving, but I would not be comfortable asking my parents if a stranger can come to our house for Thanksgiving.

My dad is military, so I get the whole being away from your family for the holidays. But if the man is in his 30s, it’s likely not his first Thanksgiving away from home. And why would he want to spend it with strangers?

I don’t get it.

Your partner has the right to be upset about the decision, but you also have the right to say no. It’s weird, to me. If you knew the guy, then yeah, you’d be the jerk for saying no. But he’s almost a stranger so… no thank you.” signycullen88

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Having your family meet your partner can be a huge deal and already stressful as is. I think the Thanksgiving dinner in a way alleviates some of that pressure of meeting the parents for the first time compared to a ‘regular’ dinner.

It is not a regular Thanksgiving dinner. If the guy was to invite a +1, OP would have to worry about what the family thinks of the man she chose to bring home AND how the behavior of the +1 the guy chose to bring will reflect on the guy himself.

The guy’s attention would also be divided: making a good first impression as well as making sure his friend is okay. I’m sure the family would be more worried about how the guy treats OP compared to how he treats his friend.

(Even though I get that her partner and friend feel closely bonded, the friend is a stranger to OP and her family)

If OP and her partner were meeting his family, that would be a different story. It would be his family and his military culture that they could follow.” wingngit

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. As a military brat, it’s silly to expect him to be happily accepted as a stranger to everyone other than the guest they’re meeting for the first time. This is his first time meeting your family and is an event that is not being hosted by you.

If it were being hosted by you and not the first meeting, just maybe you would be the jerk, but it’s not. It wouldn’t be any different than saying ‘hey my brother is alone for Thanksgiving so I want him to come to your family’s dinner last minute even though you don’t know him and your family doesn’t even know me and this dinner is being used as an introduction to me.’ Plus ones don’t get a plus one.

Plain and simple. It’s rude.

Ask him which is more important to him—making sure his roommate isn’t alone for Thanksgiving or doing everything he can to make a good first impression on your family and getting to know them as well as doing something that is clearly important to you.

It’s not wrong to want to ensure his roommate isn’t alone for the holiday, but it will tell you where his priorities lie and whether or not you’re okay with it.

Also, if he’s alone for Thanksgiving, is he going to be spending Christmas with you as well?

Are you going to be expected to bring him to Christmas dinner and celebrations?” walhk

4 points - Liked by lebe, leja2, SPECK and 1 more
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deka1 4 months ago
YTJ. He's in the military and away from home. Would it really be too much to let him be with a family for dinner? If I were your boyfriend I would seriously rethink being with the kind of person you are.
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16. AITJ For Telling My Wife To Be More Humble In Looking For A Car?

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“Currently, we are a 1-car household and my wife recently began working again. I have the luxury of being able to work from home the majority of the time. If I have to go into the office I uber in the morning and she picks me up on the way home.

We are not poor. I am the major breadwinner with about a $100k salary and she makes significantly less at about $32K a year. The reason she doesn’t uber to her job is the cost/distance it would require.

just doesn’t make sense.

The issue is that she has been using my car. The reason she doesn’t have a vehicle is that 2 years ago she got in a DUI accident and totaled her car. The payoff she got for it was squandered away because it took a year for her to start looking for work again.

She’s had troubles with substances and is doing good now, but for a couple of years, it put a ton of strain on our relationship and our finances. The DUI was the result of getting fired from work for drinking on the job and getting in an accident on her way home.

So now we have no real down payment except for our savings which are about 25K. I told her we could use 5K but I was pretty firm on that since our savings have taken a decent hit through the years from her unstable job status & legal fees for the DUI.

The real contentious part is that she usually had a sportier car. Had a mustang when we met, then a Mini Cooper, then a Nissan 370Z. The 370Z is what she totaled. I always had the family car. When we began the car discussion for her… I mentioned that maybe she gets the ‘family car’ and I get to buy something more sporty for once.

She was open to it but sort of had the caveat of ‘well if I’m getting the family car then I want to get exactly what I want.’ I understand wanting features like a backup camera, blind spot monitoring, and entertainment system, but she’s got her heart set on getting vehicles with a ‘blackout’ package where the logos and trim are all black.

The two models she’s looking for are hitting about $30K vehicles, which puts things at a pretty high monthly payment.

She keeps pushing to use pull more from savings to get the monthly payment lower and I’ve been pushing for her to have more ‘humble’ tastes.

I’m not asking her to get a 2010 200K mile Celica but maybe she could take a broad view of the past couple of years and get something that is ‘acceptable’ and not ‘perfect.’ She throws it back at me that if I’m forcing her to get the family car then she should get exactly what she wants… and yea if she can make the down payments I’m fine with that but as someone that’s paying the majority of the bills I don’t think I should have to throw in more for household bills just because she wants the perfect vehicle.

A lot of dynamics going on. I generally feel it’s sort of a ‘humble pie’ type of thing she should experience. I am not trying to punish her but feel she needs a bit more self-awareness in the entirety of the situation and lowers her standards a bit.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but you need to be careful how you communicate this. No ‘humble pie’. You might be a smaller jerk in terms of how you’ve said things to her, I don’t know. Overall though it’s not fair for her to buy car after car and get what she wants again and again while you don’t get a turn to get what you want.

That said: It’s not clear to me that you even need a second car. It sounds like you guys don’t have a whole lot of saving right now and that’s a much bigger concern. Is it feasible to let her take the now shared car to work, you uber as you are now, save up for a year, 2, 5, 10, whatever it takes, get a nice nest egg going, and/or pay down on your house or retirement?

Cars are frankly a huge cause of poverty. You can easily spend close to a grand a month that could have gone towards retiring comfortably vs working into your old age, retiring early instead, paying for a kid’s college, a parents’ nursing home if god forbid needed, your own home instead of renting, etc. Even if you both get cars for $300 a month each add that up over the lifetime of the loan then add interest if you invested it for 20-30 years.

That $30k is going to cost you a lot more than $30k if you invested it somewhere else instead.

If you just cannot make it work with one car get a $10,000 accord, corolla, camry, or anything that will last forever, put a good bit down, or pay out of pocket, then throw what you saved into something that’s more important to you both.

When you have this convo don’t just say ‘no’ talk about what you want to use the money for instead and how your shared goals can benefit both of you.

And if god forbid anything happens to your current car, you get the same deal she does.” jubalh7

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I don’t know that I would say to her that she needs to be humble, but she does need to realize that she is the primary reason that you guys don’t have all that you need to get what she wants.

Her addiction, joblessness, and mistakes have made it where you have had a period of rebuilding and it makes sense that you don’t want to blow through as much of your nest egg for a vehicle. Actually, if she is going to take on the existing vehicle, the new one should be about what you want to have instead of what she wants.” moew4974

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

She messed up big time, caused a lot of financial (and I’m guessing emotional) problems for your household and now she needs a car as a result of her DUI. She has no right to be picky about this decision.

It’s one thing to want features that make sense for safety but this isn’t a shopping spree for her. She’s not getting her dream car. She’s getting a replacement cause she crashed her last one while driving under the influence and spent all the money from it on legal fees.

She can get what she can afford and now that she’s back at work she can save up for something better down the line. 5 grand is more than enough, even as a full price of a used car.” minadelic

3 points - Liked by lebe, leja2 and LadyTauriel
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rbleah 1 year ago
Give her your current car and purchase another one for you. She needs to realize that she can't have a fancy expensive one.
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15. AITJ For Uninviting My Best Friend From My Wedding?

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“I (25F) got engaged four months ago. My best friend Sara (25F) has a partner, Kayla (30F). When I told them I got engaged she told me her partner started sending her rings that night that they needed to be engaged too.

I told my best friend I might elope to have a baby as soon as possible.

The next day she called me telling me she needed to pick a ring out for her partner & that her partner pressured her to get a ring with the little money she had.

She proposed and I congratulated her. I told her I decided not to elope. She called and told me her partner wanted to know which day I was going to get married on. Well a couple of days later Sara’s mom let it slip that they will be getting married a week before me but when I asked my best friend Sara she pretended not to know and she was being secretive about her wedding planning.

Kayla, her partner, is also making it seem like it’s a competition.

AITJ if I uninvited them? That way they play whatever game they’re playing with themselves because they’re not going to know what they’re comparing to.

Also, Kayla doesn’t even like my fiancé and I don’t want the negative energy during my wedding which is all she brings.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ if you uninvited her but… If I were you I would let them play their little competition out.

When she asks you about flowers, meal plans, decorations, etc. just tell her something else. That way if she does try to copy you it won’t work and you can always say you and your fiancé changed your minds.

You could also idk talk to your best friend. Why do you call her your best friend if you can’t even have a conversation about why she’s getting married so suddenly, and why she’s putting up with Kayla’s competitiveness?

If she was a true friend you should be able to have that conversation with her, and if she’s not, why would you invite her in the first place? Don’t feel bad about uninviting someone who can’t even be truthful to you, and especially if you feel that they are going to make you feel even a tiny bit stressed on your wedding day.

You don’t want negativity on what’s supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life.” Existing-Yak-6151

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

That behavior is soooooo strange, dude. Kayla clearly has some kind of fixation and hangout with outdoing you and Sara is going along with it.

Either way, it’s not worth engaging with it. be vague with future questions or even lie. Maybe they’ll copy you and prove the fixation, whatever that fixation may be…

Maybe because you’re her partner’s girl best friend or the fact that she is older than you?

or her disdain for your fiance? Whatever her hangup, it’s strange and you’re right to not want that energy at your wedding. Sara needs to get a grip too, ’cause she is being puppet-ed here.” FilledWithStardust

Another User Comments:

“NTJ for wanting to do it, I wouldn’t though.

This way you’ll still be in the loop if anything else crops up like your bach party etc.

Let her have her wedding. You have yours. She asks about your planning. You tell her nothing. Not. A. Single. Thing.

Also, lock your vendors with a password.

Kayla is so desperate to one-up you, I wouldn’t put it past her to try and sabotage.” HunterDangerous1366

3 points - Liked by lebe, leja2 and LadyTauriel
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deka1 4 months ago
I'd play their games right back just up until a week or so before your wedding and THEN tell them they are not invited. She's not a friend!
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14. AITJ For Wanting To Change The Phone Plan?

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“Several years ago my husband and I got a bundle deal for cell phones, internet, and tv. We eventually dropped the tv because we didn’t use it. Then last year we moved and didn’t need the internet portion anymore either, so dropped that as well.

Now it is just the bill for cell phones.

Also several years ago my sister was going through a separation/divorce and hard money times. To save her money my husband and I decided to add her to our phone plan.

The way it was set up we pay $120 (plus tax/fees) for the plan, and then $20 a line. Plus of course, if any line has insurance or a phone payment that costs extra. It was a good deal way back in the day since it was unlimited and all.

We only ever charge my sister the price of her line (about $25) and the price of her phone payment. Which at the time they had to buy one get one free so she and I did that and split the cost of the bought phone, which has since been paid off.

So for several years now my husband has paid $90.50 plus his insurance and phone payment when he had it. I paid $115.50 (I pay for a line for my grandma) and half of the phone payment. And my sister paid $25 plus a half phone payment till it was paid off.

We never complained or asked her to pay more.

Well now we need new phones (especially my grandma) and there are better phone deals out there. There’s a new plan where you pay per line and each line chooses which level works for them ($50,$40,$35) plus a deal where you can get a new phone for $5.

So while my sister’s bill would go up $15 ish dollars, my husband’s would drop $35 ish and mine would drop $25 and we’d save money overall.

My sister is in a better spot now, she’s remarried. They have a two-income household (though he doesn’t make as much as he can and they put wants above need a lot).

Nonetheless, I don’t feel like it’s terrible to ask her to finally pay more towards her part so we can finally save some. However, she kind of freaked out when I brought it up. So AITJ?

Edit to add more information: we can’t do this deal if I drop her (it’s a 4-like minimum) but that’s ok we can find something else.

She started to talk about switching to my parents’ plan and I was like ok just let me know soon so we (husband and I) can figure out what to do before the phone deal runs out. Then she got upset saying why can’t we switch to my parents’ plan when we talked about it in the past. I said that I never said we can’t, my husband and I just need to talk about what we wanted to do.

And that she’s free to do what she wants, I just need to know as soon as possible what that is.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. The reason you have her on your bill at all is completely resolved and she’s in a new marriage.

I would have just told her I need a new plan and it’s going to cost her x amount, she can stay on it or get her own, and never mentioned how my portion was affected. Too much info gives people room to argue and strut around calling you a jerk because they don’t want to change.

These days I try to give the least amount of information possible and avoid answering any questions that will give them ammunition to argue my decision. Your phone plan, your decision. She can always go and get her own plan.” joinedtosaythisnow

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. All these grown adults who think it’s appropriate to mooch on other people’s plans grind my gears. What makes sense when you are in college or going through a rough spot is different from your responsibility to actually adult and take care of your own needs.

Find a plan that is best for you and your husband and let the others take care of themselves. That includes your grandma too.” 5115E

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You do you. You’ve helped out your sister for years but the current plan (that you’re playing the majority for) isn’t working for you any longer, so it’s time to part ways and she can find an alternate plan.

Even if it costs her more, she’s had the benefit of your plan for years, and it’s not reasonable for her to assume that you’ll continue subsidizing her indefinitely.” Snackinpenguin

2 points - Liked by lebe and leja2
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13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Babysit My Brother's Baby?

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“My brother (24m) and his partner (26f) have just had their first child about a month ago.

I (22f) really don’t like kids, I don’t want kids and I never interact with them in my life. Obviously, I’m still really happy for them, it’s something they were very excited about and I’m glad both mom and baby are healthy.

I’ve visited them a few times since they had their child, and on the last visit, my brother’s partner (Kelly) said that she can’t wait for me to start fulfilling my ‘auntie’ roles. I laughed and said that I was okay to be a sideline auntie.

She pushed the topic, asking me if I wanted to take the baby for days out and so on. I said no, I’m too busy and I don’t want to look after the baby. She said that it was time I grew out of my dislike for children, that it’ll be good practice for when I have my own one day, and that she wants me to be involved.

Personally, I’m very against the concept that women must have babies to be fulfilled, I think mothers are strong and wonderful, but I’ve always hated people telling me that my aversion to children will change and that I’ll be unhappy if I don’t have kids.

I’m very happy to not have children, and I don’t particularly want to spend time caring for anyone else’s. I told her this, and she got quite upset and said that I was being selfish. It’s worth noting that both our parents live very close by and are happy to take on childcare roles, they are financially stable, and Kelly doesn’t work, so they don’t need me as childcare, which would be different.

If they were in a last-minute pinch, I would obviously be okay to help them, but I don’t really want to be childcare.

I have horses, a dog, and parrots that I spend a lot of time looking after, and I asked her how she’d feel if I expected her to clean up after them and feed them for me.

She said that it was different because babies are special and a part of the family, to which I told her that my pets are part of the family as well. Whenever she and my brother come to visit, they’ll say hi to the animals, but I’ve never once asked them to do any care, and I said that it should be the same principle.

After I left, my brother called me and said that I was being rude and selfish, and Kelly was just excited for me to be involved. I repeated that I’m happy for them, but I won’t be looking after their child at any point.

Looking back, I feel like this could have been rude, but I also wholeheartedly believe what I said. So, AITJ?

Edit: Just to clarify, I am happy to be involved with the child! Like I said, I’m happy to bring over food or do things that help out, and I’ll happily be the auntie at Christmas giving out weird and annoying presents.

However, I don’t want to look after their child.

Also, I just want to clarify that I know that my pets are not the same as their child, I was just comparing that their care is my responsibility, like my niece is her parents’ responsibility.

I am sorry if any parents were insulted by my comparison, but my pets are very important to me, and my SIL was not upset by the comparison itself, the issue was purely my unwillingness to be heavily involved.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Let’s correct the messaging here- Kelly is excited for you to be her free on-call childcare. This is not your child and is not your responsibility. Enjoy being the sideline auntie and maintaining the lifestyle you want. You don’t owe anyone childcare or a relationship.

Also – if your brother and his partner continue to act entitled to your time, stock up on musical toys and gift them to the baby when they are old enough. I also highly recommend ant farms and volcano kits.” Suchafatfatcat

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

They’re both just extremely rude. Just because you choose not to have kids doesn’t mean you don’t have a life and job and obligations you must fulfill. Not having kids doesn’t automatically sign you up as the go-to babysitter for relatives ESPECIALLY when they have other options with people who WANT to do it (parents).

Stand your ground and reiterate that you will not babysit outside of legit emergencies. THEIR kid is THEIR responsibility, not yours.

You can totally be involved without babysitting, go to those bday parties and holiday get-togethers, go to family BBQs, and you can totally be a part of the kid’s life without being forced to do stuff you don’t want to do.

that is exactly what me/hubby do… we don’t have kids either and will not babysit unless it’s an emergency.” Etenial

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Being part of the family doesn’t mean you are responsible for caring for them or entertaining them.

Being an Aunt denotes how a person is related – it doesn’t create a set of obligations to someone else’s child. What’s rude and selfish is demanding someone fulfill your own personal fantasy for what kind of relationship they will have with your child.

It’s whack for Aunts and Uncles, and whack for siblings.

‘She said that it was time I grew out of my dislike for children, that it’ll be good practice for when I have my own one day, and that she wants me to be involved.’

Rude.

Her being excited is not an excuse for how she is treating you – including dismissing your own feelings about children, as if she somehow knows you better than you do.

The fact that some people who didn’t want children later change their minds does not mean it is appropriate to act like this will be the case for everyone.

And it’s certainly not leverage to demand a specific relationship or caretaking ‘as practice’.” Kettlewise

2 points - Liked by lebe and LadyTauriel
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psycho_b 1 year ago
Ntj. You said you would help out if they were in a pinch and whatnot. You weren't all ewwww a baby.
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12. AITJ For Asking For A Gaming Laptop?

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“My fiance thinks I’m a ‘thief’ because:

I work in IT and when my work offered me a MacBook (~$1500) for the year-end bonus, I asked them for a gaming laptop (~$1800) instead of buying it myself hence saving on taxes.

Since it’s more expensive, I offered to pay the difference out of pocket as well. And I told my work that ‘if the gaming laptop is out of budget, I’ll go with the MacBook’.

My work approved the gaming laptop whilst taking a chunk out of my year-end bonus.

My fiance thinks this is morally incorrect because I’m not going to use that overpowered laptop entirely for work and I could’ve done with a cheaper laptop and I’m robbing my work.

She argues that I should’ve bought the laptop with my own money, and she’s talked to two of her friends and they agree with her.

She backs her argument by saying that they’re going to find the budget for me because they like me and that I just got a big raise a couple of months ago, and I’m exploiting this.

I’ve tried explaining to her that I’ve basically negotiated for a better bonus and that I am not deceiving anyone or lying to anyone to get what I want.

I’ve even offered to pay out of pocket for the difference.

She seems to hold this sentiment very strongly, and has told me ‘Am I marrying a thief?’.

I would’ve just let it go normally, but being called a thief by someone you love and respect so much, hurts.

And I wonder am I in the wrong here?

Edit: I’ve talked to her since and she seems to not care about it anymore. She still thinks that it is an immoral decision. But she says it’s my decision and it does not dictate my image in her head (my biggest concern) and that she’s happy for me.

It is a compromise I’m okay with, and we’ve had a chat on how to approach these things in the future, so all’s well that ends well I believe.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your partner talking to her friend and judging your every decision is super petty and poor.

Your work giving you a laptop and using your bonus to pay the extra to get a laptop you want, rather than having to buy two separate machines is smart.

Your partner sounds super judgmental and like she has a sad and pathetic enough life where her problems are her unstable issues about other people’s lives not her own.

What’s her problem?

Let me guess, her work would never give her something like this and she’s jealous so she’s taking it out on you?

Edit: She’s calling you a thief for making a deal with work. Do not marry this woman, what random thing will you do next that she’ll have issues with, she doesn’t deserve you looking after her.” Belondia

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Awesome that you were able to get that laptop as a bonus. Was there even any implication that this was to be a work laptop? My understanding of your story was that this was a gift from your employer not a tool for your job.

Even so, I think employers anticipate some degree of personal use. You paid the difference so there’s no way this could be stealing. Clearly, your employer values you and thinks your satisfaction is worth the swap. I’m sorry your partner feels this way about it.

You did awesome negotiating. I’m thrilled for you.” PassImpossible8220

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, you offered to pay the difference, and if it was going to put undue stress on anyone they would have told you no. And unless I’m reading it wrong, they took money out of your year-end bonus for it?

Plus the difference was only around $300 anyway. I don’t totally get the connection to your raise, and why that means they would go out of their way to accommodate you because of it. Also, I don’t understand why she cares so much.

I don’t want to speculate on why, but it’s just strange to me. She shouldn’t have called you a thief.” closetblondie

2 points - Liked by lebe and leja2
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CG1 1 year ago
I would Not Marry Her .She's talking behind your back to her Friends and calling you A Thief ?? Red Flags Buddy
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11. AITJ For Snapping At My In-Laws?

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“My (36f) husband (36m) comes from a family of athletes; they put him in boxing as a kid.

He was talented and he suffered a lot of pressure from his family. They wanted him to become professional but my husband never wanted that. In high school, things got worse for him as the school’s coaches were brutal and the attention he received from promoters and outside coaches led his family to put more pressure on him.

The relationship with his family went south when he informed them he was going to university and giving up boxing for good (not true the boxing part).

I met him a month before we started high school and we’ve been together ever since.

When he was 30, his family contacted him to try to fix their relationship; their relationship is decent, the same as mine.

Now, we took our children on Sunday to visit them. SIL and her husband were talking about one of my nephews learning to play the piano and that he is good for his age.

Then MIL said and quote ‘be careful, you don’t want to ‘encourage’ him only for him to quit and ruin his life as (my husband’s name)’.

It seemed like MIL forgot I was there and they went silent (my husband was out buying some things with his father and his other 2 BIL).

I was calm and asked her how he ruined his life, his sisters got involved and said that’s not what MIL meant and I wouldn’t understand. I replied:

‘No, I don’t understand; I don’t understand why you wanted to live through him, why you never listened to him, why you never accepted what he wanted, why you didn’t let him be, why you think he ruined his life, I don’t get it.

If you think it’s because I don’t know how talented he was, you’re wrong because I was there, even when you abandoned him, it wasn’t for nothing that he got two scholarships, and people were after him.

I’d understand if he didn’t do anything with his life, but that’s not the case. He has a degree, an amazing career, built 2 different businesses and is a great father and husband. He is more successful than all of you combined. Please, tell me how he ruined his life or what part I don’t understand’.

I got silence.

I took our children and left; I texted my husband that I was going home. He arrived shortly after and told him what happened and he was not mad. To be honest, this is the first time I heard this type of comment and I pretty much blew the relationship he has with his family and apparently also caused issues with his sisters’ husbands because they had a different version of why my husband was estranged.

EDIT/SMALL UPDATE: reacted on instinct and kind of regretted it, but my husband reassured me that it was fine, he would have done the same thing for me (which I know). He’s all smiles every time I see him.

I should have been clearer, MIL says he ruined his life because he wasted the chance to be recognized and famous, something they always longed for and couldn’t achieve on their own.

My husband stopped competing once he finished university and not after high school, he had to do it so he could maintain his scholarship.

The children weren’t present when I exploded, they were outside playing.

His sisters lied to their husbands about the reason why my husband was estranged. They put the blame entirely on him and downplayed what they did.

Injuries and trauma are two of the many reasons my husband never wanted to make boxing his career.

Fortunately, he received minimal damage and sees a specialist once a year to make sure everything is fine.

My husband says that over the years he felt something was off, so he’s not surprised they haven’t changed their opinion of him and that they were just faking it to gain access to our kids.

Small update: Early today when we dropped the kids off at school, his sister’s husbands were there and wanted to hear my husband’s version. We went to have breakfast and he told them everything. From their reaction, it was clear that their wives were still downplaying the whole thing.

According to one of them, his wife is starting to display the same traits as MIL, so yeah.

We agreed to talk on Saturday to plan how are going to move forward with our children. They go to the same school and are very close, we don’t want to disrupt their relationship.

As for his parents, we are going to talk to them on Saturday to let them know how their relationship with our children and us is going to be from now on.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ: you went the extra mile to explain why what she said was wrong to all present.

She went the extra mile to be awful by giving your sil absurd parenting advice in the process of turning the conversation into an insult toward your husband. If you haven’t already, be sure to prepare the points you made for future interactions because if this is how she talks when she thinks your not there then she has almost definitely said similar things in the presence of other family and friends.” PerceptionRegular299

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

Anyone can have an opinion about whether something is wasted. Even if he ended up becoming the president of the USA.

Your opinion is also valid, but your outburst was inappropriate.

You might consider his business more valuable than boxing, but there will be others who think boxing is more valuable.

Some boxers would rather box and die and that’s totally ok. Everyone has a different idea of value. Your inability to see different perspectives and inappropriate outbursts makes you a jerk.” No-Presentation-8000

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, you did the right thing you stuck up for your husband and stood behind him he has made wonderful accomplishments just because they’re not what they wanted him to do.

Doesn’t mean that he hasn’t made good accomplishments they didn’t care that he was miserable. They just wanted something to brag about. Oh, my son the good boxer, he’s professional, didn’t care if he was happy, your husband did the right thing by cutting off all ties with them.

He’s happy he has a wonderful, beautiful family and a good life. He doesn’t need toxic people in his life. He has his family that’s you and your kids. He doesn’t need them. It may hurt, but sometimes it’s better that way.” First_Luck8040

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LadyTauriel 1 year ago
No presentation8000 is an idiot. She had every right to defend her husband, and he also was ok with it.
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10. AITJ For Not Letting My Cousin And Her Cat Stay At My House?

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“I hate cats. I think their litter boxes are gross and I can’t stand the smell of cat urine. Also, everyone involved in this situation are adults.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, here’s my problem.

My parents are hosting thanksgiving this year and they invited immediate and extended family, it’s going to be huge. My siblings and I own our own houses so we’re splitting up out-of-town family members so no one will have to overpay for hotel rooms. I’m hosting the single cousins so they can have a little fun outside of family time.

My cousins started to arrive yesterday. Shelby arrived and when I opened the door, I saw her standing there with a big smile, her luggage, and a pet carrier. I pointed to the carrier and asked what’s that? She happily told me that she just adopted a cat and didn’t want to leave it at home with her roommates.

I stood at the door for too long without letting her in so things got awkward.

I admit I didn’t have a no-pets rule but I didn’t think I had to. I thought that asking the host if they’re cool with pets before bringing them was one of those unwritten rules that people just automatically follow.

You know, like you don’t have to tell every adult coming into your house not to pee in the kitchen sink. Besides, no one else brought their pets, and a couple of them own dogs.

Finally, she asked if she could come in and that brought me back to my senses.

I told her I don’t allow pets in my house and that her cat can’t come in. She thought I was joking but when I didn’t move, we started to argue. The other cousins came to see what the commotion was about and in the end, a couple of cousins left with her while the rest remain.

My parents called to chew me out saying that I could have put up with Shelby and her cat for a couple of days while I argue that it’s rude to bring a pet without asking first. Plus I don’t want my house to smell like cat urine.

They said I’m making thanksgiving awkward and now I feel a little bad. I don’t feel bad enough to let Shelby and her cat in though.

AITJ for not letting my cousin and her cat stay at my house because I hate cats?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. The audacity of someone to show up for a stay at your home with their pet, regardless of what type of pet it is, without asking if that’s cool with you is mind-boggling. I would maybe leave out the part about cat urine and litter boxes when defending yourself on this one and just underline the fact that you have every right to not want animals in your home, and it’s rude and entitled for her to have just shown up with one.” hannahkelli

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She is going to have a steep learning curve about her new baby and what she can and can’t do to it. Randomly showing up at someone else’s house? Hah. She thought you’d cave to society’s expectations and let her in.

Nope. Try this response. ‘It’s a common social expectation to not randomly show up at someone else’s house with a pet. She did. If she’s decided common social rules don’t apply to her, I’m going to go along with that and the common social rule of letting someone in when they’re standing on your doorstep is also not going to be followed. We don’t play favorites here.” maroongrad

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, and speaking as a pet owner who has several cats and dogs. You don’t show up with an uninvited animal to someone’s home as a guest.

Also, kittens and new cats CAN be messy until they figure things out, and traveling to new places can cause them litter issues due to unfamiliar territory.

There is definitely litter fill that can assist with smells (pine pellets are especially good for absorbing urine), but also understandable to not want to deal with it.” WholeAd2742

1 points - Liked by lebe
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rbleah 1 year ago
I am allergic to cats so if someone showed up on my doorstep with one I would not let them in either. How RUDE to not even ask if it was okay to bring anything or anyone to someone else's house to stay. NTJ
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9. AITJ For Not Wanting To Spend Thanksgiving With My Parents?

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“I (28F) have a crappy relationship with my parents. They have never helped me feel better about myself.

Other than the basics, they provided nothing for me until I left home. When I was 18 I moved out with my 22-year-old partner.

He paid for my university and gave me the first home where I actually felt loved. He also introduced me to shows like The Office.

Where random people make their own family.

I cried like a baby when Michael bought Pam’s drawing. He said he was proud of her. I have never heard those words from my family.

So we are married now. He is 31 now and we have a child together (M6 months).

And our favorite thing to do is make dinner together and watch an hour of tv.

My parents want to meet their grandson. But I cut them out of my life ten years ago. I’m happy. I’m fulfilled. I have a great career that they did everything they could to sabotage.

My grandmother left money for my education but just told them to save it for me. They used it on renovations of their home. Not repairs. Renovations.

My husband says that if I want to go then we will go as a family.

But I would honestly just rather stay home with him and our son. We can order a Thanksgiving dinner from a restaurant and just sit and enjoy.

So I was harsh. I told them that they weren’t really people I wanted to spend time with or have my son exposed to.

I told them that I would be staying home with my real family and watching the Friends thanksgiving episode marathon.

Now my brothers are calling me and saying that my parents are hurt by my words and that I’m a jerk for cutting them all out of my life.

Like I said, I probably should have lied, or chosen my words better. But it’s the truth. I get more emotional support from tv than I ever did from them. And my husband is my rock. He has my back no matter what I do.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Blood does not entitle people to your time, affection, or children. They had an opportunity to have a relationship with a child of their blood – you. And they’ve shown you time and again what that meant to them, and have no one but themselves to blame that you feel no inclination to expose either yourself or your child to more of the same.

Treasure your found family and enjoy your peaceful holiday surrounded by the people who love and value you.” Ainari

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your parent’s happiness is not your responsibility. Ask your brothers where they were when you needed them.

Tell them that you will give their opinions the same level of respect and regard as they gave to you all these years. And that your parents are reaping the harvest they sowed. Then, block them. Personally, I think the way you want to spend Thanksgiving with your husband and son sounds really nice and peaceful.

You should totally do that.” Technical_Coyote_521

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

But what’s the point of this story really? You cut them out of your life 10 years ago, why is going to Thanksgiving with them even a thought in your mind, if you’ve been out of their lives for 10 years?

Did they randomly invite you after not talking for 10 years? I don’t get it.

You obviously had a rough go with your parents, and it’s hard because there are always two sides to every story and we will most likely never get the full truth picture of what went on back then, maybe there were some things you did also that hurt them, and they did things to hurt you, we will never know!

But you don’t owe them anything now, if there is absolutely no desire to re-connect with them then you don’t have to it’s as simple as that. If you have been estranged for 10 years it probably wouldn’t come as a complete surprise to them that you don’t want to spend time with them.

So just move on and live your life, like you have been without them for the past 10 years.” Plus_Pause4090

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CG1 1 year ago
Really Plus_Pause4090 ??? She Explained what they did to her and you are saying Their is Two Sides To Every Story ??
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8. AITJ For Not Correcting My Friend's Wrong Phrase?

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“One of my pet peeves is people using phrases/words either out of context or just completely wrong. I studied linguistics and I know that’s entirely a me-problem. I used to correct my friends/family (gently, never in an ‘OMG, you didn’t know that?!’ kind of way).

Eg phrases like ‘blood is thicker than water’ meaning exactly the opposite of what many assume it means. I’d always try and share it like a fun fact, but someone once told me it made me sound like a know-it-all and that people don’t need to be educated on their language.

Kinda stung, but I get it so I make a real conscious effort to not do it anymore.

Onto the potential jerkery. I introduced two friends of mine, Taz, who is an old friend who recently moved to my city, and Jenny.

They hit it off great. Over the past year, we’ve chilled together a lot and it’s lovely.

We were talking about something yesterday and Jenny said ‘I could care less about it, to be honest.’ Taz looked at me grinning and I said nothing, just carried on with the conversation and ignored Taz.

Jenny used the phrase a couple more times and Taz just burst out laughing and said ‘WOW, OP has changed!’

When Jenny was confused, Taz explained my pet peeve and that the phrase was ‘couldn’t care less.’ Jenny was laughing at first and then asked if there were any more phrases she misused that I’d picked up on.

I said, ‘not that I’ve noticed.’

She kept pressing and Taz was like ‘go on, just say it!’ So I mentioned two off the top of my head (she misuses many phrases but I thought two was a safe number).

I also laughed and said that I used to say ‘nip it in the butt’ for the longest time, so I’m not exactly an authority.

She went super quiet. Later on, I got a message from Jenny asking why I didn’t correct her sooner if I knew she was using words incorrectly and how I let her look stupid when I could have just told her.

What I didn’t realize was that I also put my foot in it with the ‘nip it in the butt comment’ because that’s what she thought it was. That was an honest mistake, I didn’t know.

Jenny said it was a jerk move to not tell her and she’s not talking to me.

Edit: Just had a 2-hour chat with Jenny. She totally got why I didn’t correct her and how I was trying to break what was truly an annoying habit that could come across as belittling. I also told her that the last time I corrected ANYONE was when a friend kept saying ‘mate, I was turning tricks!’ She meant she was ‘tripping out’ and we had a solid laugh over it at the time.

Wasn’t so much a ‘pet peeve correction’ as it was just NOOO THATS NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS PLS!

Also assured Jen that by no means do I think phrases/grammar/the way anyone speaks is an indicator of their intelligence.

Pet peeves are personal irks that are not the problem or fault of folks around you… it doesn’t make me think any less of people, so I and Jen are good. Taz is being super defensive about his part in this, especially after Jen said she didn’t like the way he laughed at her and seemed like he was actively trying to make her look stupid, so that might be separate drama in itself.”

Another User Comments:

“Taz is the jerk here, Jenny was an innocent bystander who was steamrolled. I do feel for you a bit too, it’s not an easy situation once asked directly.

Maybe instead of listing out the phrases used incorrectly, you could say ‘I used to have an issue leaving my linguistics training at work, now I’m able to just enjoy life without worrying about saying things the ‘proper’ way when I’m with friends/family’.

It puts the awkwardness back on Taz and leaves you in the clear. It lets Jenny know that while she may not always say things right, it’s okay to be imperfect. Language is a form of communication, as long as everyone understands what you are saying, the rest really doesn’t matter.

I have a linguistics friend and she had this same issue, it’s hard when you learn something like this and want to share it with those you love. The same thing happens to shrinks. LOL.

You and Jenny are NTJ, but Taz is.

They give me bully vibes, to be honest. I hope I’m wrong and just reading more into them.” CuriousPenguinSocks

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – You’re treading on thin ice that’s for sure. Everyone reacts differently to that type of correction.

You’ve learned that it’s best to not correct people because of the history you have in doing so. The best you can do is explain that to her, and why you didn’t correct her. I would then ask if, going forward, she would like you to correct her whenever you notice she says something wrong.

It didn’t help that your other friend laughed at her mistake making her feel more embarrassed like she was supposed to know. I think there are a lot of words and phrases that are used incorrectly, but we also don’t always learn about them or have focused teachings on them to learn from.” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ… urgh… poor OP. Seems like you got caught up in a very unlucky series of events and communication. I hope you can make up with your friend by explaining to her why you didn’t say anything, so she can hopefully understand that you did it out of insecurity to be called out as a know-it-all again.

Also, it really reads like you are sorry for accidentally making her feel bad and I hope she can realize this and make up with you.

No one wants to feel stupid I guess… but different people react differently to such situations.

Some people feel called out if you tell them they misuse a word or phrase, while others will be thankful.

There is no 100% solution I guess. Maybe try to get a feeling for people to find out which type they are.

I know I know… it sounds cumbersome and shouldn’t really be a problem but well… I guess that’s an important part of social interaction sometimes… learning to evaluate who can take which message in which format. Best luck to you and your friendship OP!” Wolfon-eye

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psycho_b 1 year ago
Ntj and i'm glad you and jenny are good.
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7. AITJ For Blaming My Sister For Putting Me Off Of Having Children?

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“I (f26) have been married for 4 years. I have always wanted a big family with a lot of children.

My husband and I are trying. My sister (f23) is vehemently child-free. She’s made it clear to both of our parents that she never wants children and is considering getting sterilized.

Whenever we discuss having children, it always turns into some sort of debate.

I mention how having children can be a good and great thing, and to retaliate she always brings up the negatives about having children, constantly saying it’s horrible and tiring and why it just won’t be good for her. She also keeps mentioning how her parents regret it almost as if she’s expecting me to do the same.

It turns into a fight, and we stop speaking to each other for a few days.

However, now I’m starting to have doubts because of her. What if she’s right and I regret having children? After another fight we had, I mentioned this to her and she got mad at me and told me it was not her fault I can’t think for myself (which isn’t true).

She called me a witch and told me to stop bringing the topic up if I don’t like what she says. Now I feel bad that I kind of blamed her for my own worry and insecurity even though she kept saying negative things despite knowing I want children.

So AITJ?

Edit: My sister and I are close, really really close. We discuss every single topic under the sun, no matter how private and it always goes okay no matter how different our opinions are. We’re there for each other no matter what.

This is the first thing we’ve ever really bashed heads about.

I realized I was projecting my insecurities about parenthood on my little sister. I’m jealous of how sure she is about her decisions and choice in her child-free lifestyle.

Without realizing it, I kept bringing it up hoping she would feel the same about being unsure about her big decision. I was also embarrassed for being less enthusiastic about how passionate I was about having a big family after hearing her views.

I was honest with her about it, and I apologized for continually bringing it up, and for projecting my bad feelings onto her. She accepted my apology (under the premise that we stop talking about this topic forever) and told me that having a child is a big thing and that she understands my insecurities.

She apologized for calling me a witch and told me she would get angry because she thought I was questioning her life choices like our parents had (they weren’t happy when she told them she was child-free). I’m mad at myself for making her feel like I didn’t support her.

I also spoke to my husband. We talked about the technicalities of having children, how much our lives will change, and how it’s not all flowers and roses like I had kinda deluded myself into believing, For now, we’ll work on ourselves and grow up a little more before making such a big life-altering decision.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You can’t blame your doubts on your sister. I don’t know what your sister lists as the negatives of having children, but she’s probably right. Children will change your life profoundly. They will undoubtedly make your life more difficult.

You will worry about them from the time you discover you are pregnant until you die. But you will love them far beyond anything you can express and have fun with them.

Your sister is right. You shouldn’t bring up the topic if you don’t like what she says.

Your sister needs to do what is right for her, and you have to do what’s right for you.” General_Relative2838

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Why do you keep having the same discussion with her? That seems like a ridiculous waste of time.

If a few arguments have caused you to doubt yourself then you really need to rethink having kids anytime soon. You aren’t ready. Kids can sense weakness like that and use it against you. They will run all over you.

Maybe take a bunch of realistic parenting classes. Speak to other parents your age about current parenting problems.

Don’t ask your parents because the trouble they had when you were young is way different. That would be a far more intelligent way of deciding than arguing with your little sister.

And yea. YTJ for blaming her for your own inability to form and keep an opinion. Especially since she may have done you a big favor. Good luck!” KaoJin-Wo

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. If you can’t agree, stop talking about it.

You don’t have to agree on the subject as it’s not the two of you debating whether to have a child together. She can make her decision and you can make yours. From your description, it seems as though she is only making her point of view clear for herself while you seem to be desperately trying to convince her that her point of view is wrong and everyone, including her, should want to have children.

Are you trying to convince her or yourself?

To be honest, it does seem as though you are having trouble thinking for yourself in this regard. You shouldn’t be trying for kids if your sister’s choice regarding her own life is making you doubt the choices you make for yours.

Learn to be a separate entity from your sister. She doesn’t need to do what you do and vice versa. The last thing you should be doing is trying to put the blame on her for your indecisiveness. If she is able to raise doubts in your mind, it is likely you haven’t thought this decision through and haven’t thought about the arguments she makes by yourself.

Yes, childfree people are usually happier than those with children. So are unmarried women compared to married ones. Regarding happiness, statistically, only men profit from being married. So what? Marrying is the right choice for some women nevertheless. But that doesn’t mean all women should do it.

Having and raising children is hard and expensive and time-consuming. Yes, you will have regrets.

When you can’t sleep the fifth night in a row because your baby is teething when you haven’t had a good rest for the entire day and now your child is screaming down the entire supermarket because it too is tired or wants sweets or whatever when you have to change your clothes for the third time this day because baby threw up on you.

You WILL have moments of regret. To think all will be peaches and roses when you have a child is naive and dangerous. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. If you want a child, you know all these things and you have a child nevertheless.

Because you will get over the regrets. Sometimes after a minute, sometimes it takes a while longer. When they smile at you. When they ask you for help. When they run to give you a hug. When they melt your heart by telling you they love you.

To anticipate some problems doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do something. It means you decide for yourself if you can live with these difficulties. Your sister doesn’t want to. That’s her choice and her right. You have to think about what you want, irrespective of her opinions and her choice.

But think about the reality and not some made-up rose-colored scenario.” AdSweet5748

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6. AITJ For Not Filling Up My Partner's Car With Gas?

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“Early this past weekend, the catalytic converter from my car was stolen while I was at work. I had made plans to go to my mom’s house towards the end of the weekend to help with some chores and spend an afternoon with her.

Before I even asked my SO if I could borrow her car in order to go to my mom’s house, she had offered to let me use her car for the day, saying she wouldn’t need it that day. That was super nice of her, and I was very grateful.

When I get in her car to go to my mom’s house, I notice the gas tank is just over a quarter full – plenty to get to my mom’s house as it is about 10 miles away. Since my SO was kind and let me borrow my car, I wanted to help in some way, so instead of filling the tank, I had her car washed instead.

It had been at least a month since she last had her car washed, and I spent more time washing her car than I normally spend washing my own. I take the car to my mom’s, bring it back and return the keys to my SO, and I thought that would be it.

Fast forward to last night, my partner and I are coming home from dinner with her parents, with us driving her car (since mine is still at the mechanic’s). She makes a sarcastic comment at some point along the lines of ‘Oh, thanks for filling up my car when you used it a few days ago.’ I mention to her that instead of filling up the tank, I washed her car as a way of saying thank you for letting me borrow it.

She replies, ‘Thanks, but normally when someone borrows someone else’s car, they fill it up when they’re done. And you left me nearly on empty.’ I responded with, ‘I understand that’s normally what people do, but since I only used it for one trip, and since you were already pretty low when I needed to use it, I didn’t think I should have to fill nearly your entire tank (probably about $50).

And when I got home, the gauge said just under a quarter tank, plenty to get you to work and back the next day. That’s why I washed it instead.’ She replies, ‘Well, in the future, if you need to borrow my car, please fill it when you’re done.’ Wanting to avoid arguing, I just said ‘Okay, will do’ and left it at that.

We didn’t go to bed that night angry or anything, but it still rubbed me the wrong way. I fully acknowledge that the convention when borrowing a car is to fill the tank up when you return it, but the reasons I didn’t think that necessary/justified in this situation: 1) I only needed it one trip on one day for a few hours, a total of no more than 20 miles.

2) I had it washed instead, still spending time and money on it to show my appreciation. 3) Filling up the tank all the way would have cost much more than the gas that I used, and with having to buy a new catalytic converter for my own car, I’m trying to be careful with money for the next month or two.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ – she does a favor for you. You choose to inconvenience her further and cost her money. A dirty car still gets you to work; no gas doesn’t. She also didn’t explicitly ask you to fill the entire tank up, so based on how you and she phrased this.

I think her point was you added no gas, not that you didn’t fill the whole tank up.

Common courtesy is, at minimum, fill the tank to where you left it, normally a smidge extra for inconveniencing them.” SherbetAnnual2294

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You took her car, which had a quarter a tank of gas, and returned it on nearly empty. This is a big annoyance since she now had to take the time out of her day after being caught off guard that she had no gas to get anywhere after you used it all.

Her not washing her car shows it’s not a priority to her. You were being a cheapskate. You should have at least put her gas back on a quarter full. If it was me, I’d never let you use my car again.” ThatsATallGlassOfNo

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

Sure you didn’t need to fully fill her tank if you took it 20 miles, but you made it so she had to get gas right away to use her own car.

If she had a quarter of a tank and you used the car to go 20 miles, you likely left the tank on E (not that it was out of gas, just that it was at the warning light level or close to it).

You could have at least put $15 worth of gas in the car so she didn’t have to worry about gas as soon as she used the car.

When you borrow something, you should never give it back worse off than it was when you got it.

In this case, that’s exactly what you did. She didn’t need a clean car, she needed a car with gas in it. You did something that was free to you and decided it was better than giving her money, and you know that isn’t true.

A clean car without gas in it is inferior to a dirty car with gas in it.” mfruitfly

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Jazzy 1 year ago
You could have returned it to where it was
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5. AITJ For Banning My Daughter From Art Galleries?

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“My daughter (17f) has been skipping school to go to our local art gallery and I followed her just to see that she actually just looks at paintings for hours. My daughter is a straight-A student who used to enjoy going to school and has made dear friends.

Her teacher informed me that she had an awful attendance as of recently, so when I found out what she has been doing. I asked her teacher whether this was bullying and she said ‘absolutely not’ and that her classmates are worried about her well-being.

I told her that she is banned from going to art galleries indefinitely. She just started crying and telling me that I ruin everything. She informed me that she was missing school because she ‘prefers the company of the paintings rather than the annoying company at school.’ She wouldn’t go into any more detail.

That was the end of it.

My wife on the other hand, disagrees with me. She told me that I’m just making her disobey us more and we should go at this from a different approach. I completely disagreed and think my daughter should stop letting her artistic desires drive her away from what she needs to become.

Now my daughter and wife both disagree with me and think this isn’t the way to go about it.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“Yup, YTJ.

Your daughter isn’t going to a crack house to get high. She’s experiencing art VOLUNTARILY.

Agreed, she shouldn’t be skipping school and damaging her academic work to do so. But banning her from galleries is going to: a) make her resent you; b) not make her feel better about school; c) potentially damage her love of art, which is a GOOD THING.

Instead of this, why not work a deal with her, for heaven’s sake? ‘If you have a semester without a single missed class, I will take you to INSERT MAJOR GALLERY HERE WITHIN YOUR BUDGET for a weekend of unbridled art viewing.

If you get straight As, I’ll try to get you a face-to-face with a curator or gallerist.’

Don’t crush something positive in your child’s life.” bobledrew

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You would be right to punish her for skipping school, but by banning her from visiting art galleries when her passion is genuine you are missing the chance to teach her how to follow what may be her calling in a healthy way while also getting her formal education (which will open up all sorts of opportunities for her in the future).

If you think that her interest in art itself is the problem, then you will end up driving a wedge between you and her one way or the other. She will defy you to keep following her passion, or obey you and be resentful of you doing that to her, perhaps for life.” jwjnthrowawaykfeiofj

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, maybe you should have her mom talk to her about why she doesn’t like the company of the people at school. She could potentially be bullied or something and is skipping school as a way to escape.

This is definitely something serious and you should try to think about how what you will do now will impact your relationship with your daughter for the rest of your life. If you ban her from galleries you are just pushing her away and making her resent you.

Try to have positive reinforcement like other commentators suggested and try to see the real problem for why she’s been skipping instead of just getting mad. Also, she can become whatever she wants and art is a great way to express yourself.” celestial_bard08

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Kali 1 year ago
YTJ, because banning her from galleries indefinitely? Talk about an over reaction! She obviously loves art, and is choosing to make it part of her education, though going about it the wrong way. Instead of punishing her for where she’s going, because seriously she could be skipping to get jerk or high, you need to get to the root to way she’s skipping in the first place. The teacher may have thought that there was no bullying, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen, girl’s bullying tends to be more subtle. I skipped school a lot in high school, but I usually went to the bookstore to hang out and read about what I was interested in. When my parents found out, they didn’t ban me from books, they took away my car and sat me down to figure it out. I was severely depressed and barely functioning and books were my only source of joy. My parents have always known how important they are, and when talking about my high school days I usually bring up skipping to go to the bookstore. My parents aren’t mad or disappointed, they are able to see why I did it and are grateful that I wasn’t doing anything harmful.
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4. AITJ For Not Wanting To Disturb My Son's Nap?

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“We are going to my husband’s mother’s house for Thanksgiving. A month ago I brought up that we should time it a little differently because my son (a 1-year-old male whose birthday is in Feb) needs a nap and already has issues with being at their house.

He doesn’t like going there for some reason and won’t really let us put him down. We made a breakthrough with that when we were making these plans because he got a full nap in (noon to 3) right before we left for their house and he warmed up and actually seemed good about being there.

My MIL and I decided that we’d all meet up at her house around 5 so he can get a real nap and actually eat when he gets there and warm up better so we can all enjoy ourselves. My BIL called her yesterday and I guess she never relayed the info to him that we were doing dinner later and said he was going to his partner’s mom’s at 6 and wanted to do dinner at noon at my MIL’s.

She called my husband just now crying (literally hyperventilating apparently) because my BIL wants to change the time and asked my husband if that’s okay. This is where we got into a fight about it.

I am a stay-at-home mom and he works full-time.

I fully believe in children having naps up to 7 years old because it’s good for development. I got upset with him because I said well we’ve been planning this for a month and if I knew the time was going to change I would have changed his sleep schedule but I’m not going to go there and just have an upset child because he didn’t get his nap and he’s not going to eat at all because he didn’t get his nap and doesn’t eat until 4.

He’s mad at me saying well he’s going to have to do a lot of things in life he doesn’t want to do so who cares if he doesn’t get a real nap. I care because we’re going to be dealing with a screaming child and not be able to eat ourselves.

So no. We can go at the time we said we were going.

I know the world doesn’t revolve around our child’s nap. But our child does not revolve around our schedule we revolve around his. I got upset because I didn’t understand why he wasn’t putting our child first over dinner.

I get I could be the jerk and just skip his nap altogether but I don’t get how that’s fair to our son.

I don’t know, you tell me, am I the jerk?

Edit: I give up. Not fighting it anymore and just going when they say.

Everyone else’s happiness matters more and I just don’t care anymore.

My husband came home and called his mom. Absolutely laid into her about the changing of time and how it’s ridiculous she’s catering to his older brother. It was about 2 hours of him losing his mind on her about it.

BIL is a huge jerk and we already know. We also can not stand his nonsense

We are going at the new time. My husband has told me he is 100% on baby duty. We told his mother that we were most likely not going to be eating bc my son will not let us considering he’ll be mad in the first place.

Luckily he slept in about an hour today so hopefully, that’ll make things a little easier but who knows? Secondly, I am grateful he stood up for us. He said what he said about who cares if he misses a nap because he just had his mother calling him and he didn’t want to make her more upset but after working for the rest of his shift thought about it more and came to his senses.

He is the youngest and constantly feels like he’s being mowed over by his mother always chooses his older brothers over him. (There are 2. No contact with the oldest)

As for my son sleeping at her house is out of the question.

Some kids work just falling asleep anywhere, mine does not. Sadly my husband’s family is only his mom, his 2 brothers, and his stepdad no cousins nothing. It’s just them so it’s always small which is why planning ahead of time is way easier.

We called her Sunday to confirm that the time was still happening and she has taken full responsibility for this being 100% her mess for not telling BIL about the time but has completely ignored my husband on him asking her why she’s catering to him when there was a set time.

The older boys tend to hold the whole ‘well we just won’t show up’ thing over her head and she thinks he just won’t come all together if we stick with the scheduled time. So we’re done fighting it.

My husband has his flaws yes, but so do I.

We are very aware of our issues and try our best to work on them together as a unit and do our best to do what’s best for each other. Holidays are touchy and hard on both of us so stress and tension are at an all-time high.

He has been in this post and knows about it. But now the way we met is very unconventional and wild but we do love each other deeply. He works 6 days a week 9-10 hours a day to provide for and pay for the house we own.

So yes I am the main care provider but he’s also very present in their lives.

Dinner is over and I’m on my way home. Words were exchanged about him not controlling his dog because he kept taking food out of my son’s hands.

I told BIL to back off Walked into the bathroom and right when the door latched he started talking trash to everyone about me telling him to back off about his dog. So I came out of the bathroom and grabbed a handful of turkey and threw it in his face.

Literally threw a handful of freshly carved turkey straight at his face. My husband had to calm us down and went to find his mom… who was promptly hiding in the closet upstairs crying. He came out and just started laying into his brother about how he started this and has been poking my buttons all day.

My husband ended up convincing me to come inside and finish dinner for 1 hour in exchange to drive 2 hours away on Monday to get Hawaiian food.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Some kids can skip naps and rearrange schedules and be mostly fine.

Others absolutely can not, at least not until they’re closer to 4 or 5. Toddlers, especially ones that are barely out of infancy, don’t have the ability to ‘suck it up’. The idea that they can is ridiculous. The situation can quickly become chaotic.

It sounds to me like MIL dropped the ball and is now throwing it in your husband’s hands to deal with. Now he’s trying to place the consequences of her actions (or inaction) in your lap. Tell him his choices are to assume 100% of childcare for Thanksgiving Day and the 2 days after (thus taking responsibility for the consequences of his decision) or to bring you guys a plate and enjoy the time with his family.

Either way, put your feet up for a moment and relax.” TemporaryPigeon

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, if your husband works full time, then I doubt he deals with the consequences of a grumpy (?) child since you would make sure the child gets his naps.

Obviously, he won’t understand how stressful it is for you to be in this situation. If you must go early, make him responsible for the child. He wants to make the choice to go early despite his own son’s needs, he will be held responsible for it then.

I think after being exposed to a situation like this, your husband will respect your decisions about your child more. I think is unfair to put you in a stressful situation for something you had no voice about.

Also, dinner at noon?

Did I interpret that correctly? That’s crazy. Why can’t you guys have dinner a bit later, so your child gets SOME sleep and your BIL can stay with the family a bit before leaving.” Nubianstarship

Another User Comments:

“NTJ! I will say that your husband is right about one thing.

Your child will have to do a lot of things in life that he will not want to do, but for Pete’s sake, he’s 7 years old. You say your husband works full time which to me, means he has NO idea what it’s like to care for his son the full day.

If your child doesn’t get a nap, he’ll be cranky and hard to deal with and he won’t eat when he’s supposed to.

Sorry, I’m really not trying to be mean about your son, but that’s what kids do and it won’t be his fault.

Tell your husband that the time change is fine, but he will be dealing with your son and not even THINK about getting mad or upset at him, because this will be his fault. Good luck. I feel bad for you and your son.” WillLoveCoffee4Ever1

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rbleah 1 year ago
How about starting a NEW thing for you and hubs and child. STAY AT HOME and have your own dinner. That way your child gets what's needed and you and hubs get a quiet FRIENDLY dinner. Tell MIL to shove off.
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3. AITJ For Wanting To Drink With My Friends?

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“My (m26) partner (f27) has been going to group therapy for a couple of weeks and things have been going really well.

Last night, she and her therapist concluded that she may be bordering on heavy drinking. My partner came home last night and asked that while she navigates sobriety that we do not have any liquor in the house, I don’t drink with her in the house, or if we go out together that I do not drink.

She did add that in public situations she wouldn’t expect me to not have a drink though. I agreed to support her in all of this and that we could clear the house out of liquor.

Now it gets a little messy.

My partner and I were planning on going to karaoke at a brewery on Saturday at the invitation of one of my friends. She asked that when we go that I not drink because she doesn’t want to be the only sober person there.

I expressed that I understand where she was coming from but I felt like that would change the entire dynamic and experience that I share with my friends. I don’t want to compromise the experiences I share with my friends, and that I’m fact, I can still have a nice experience with my friends and also ensure that she feels safe and supported.

My partner fell into silence for a few minutes before saying she was disappointed, that she didn’t feel supported, and then locked herself in her room all night. We haven’t said but maybe three words to each other between then and now.

I feel like a jerk now, but AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here

She’s now having to deal with how ostracizing it can feel to be sober. Booze (and food) are tied into so many of our social interactions.

She’ll have to come to terms with this reality because it’s never going to go away as long as she makes the choice to be sober. She could use some patience from you while she adjusts.

That said, you expected her to honor your original agreement which was that you could still drink in public, and it’s not unsurprising that your first response was to defend the agreement.

Plus, drinking and karaoke are kind of inseparable lol. It might be best for her to go hang out with her own friends on the (hopefully not too frequent) occasion that you go to karaoke with your friends.” Jenstigator

Another User Comments:

“Soft YTJ. Seriously not drinking with your friends will compromise the experiences you share with them? You can’t have fun if you don’t drink? You need to understand how serious heavy drinking is and how difficult it’s to start a sober journey.

This will be your first outing together since she made the choice to try to get sober, and you can’t accommodate her this first time. She obviously doesn’t want to be singled out and have to dodge questions about why she is the only one not drinking.

Also, you can’t have not noticed she had an issue with drinking before, so choosing to go to a brewery is a terrible idea anyway. Be a supportive partner, please.” RehinaPhalange

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, part of experiencing sobriety is understanding that other people are going to drink and that she can’t.

Life doesn’t stop and completely circles around her sobriety.

She doesn’t have to go. Her feeling like you either need to change your and your friend’s entire plans to fit her in, or not go, is unreasonable. That’s her saying that you also have to be sober because she has chosen to be.

You are not a jerk, and the fact that she’s giving you the silent treatment is entirely a manipulation for you to give in and fall in line. Her request is unreasonable, and her reaction is equally so.” JCBashBash

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. It was one-night dude, very early in her attempt to get herself together. You could have made different plans, or if she resisted that and really wanted to go to karaoke, you sacrifice one night to being sober instead of planting your feet down like a toddler as if this was the last night you’d ever get to go out.

If it sucked then the next day you tell her you did not enjoy yourself, you were willing to try for her sake but you’d have rather not gone if you couldn’t participate like you wanted, and you come up with a compromise for the next time.

You would have at the very most lost one night of mediocre fun as an experiment in exchange for her gratitude.

I mean, let’s be honest, that wouldn’t have worked anyway, right? Because the whole time you would have probably had a bad attitude, resenting her for ‘changing your dynamic’ for one forgettable night because god forbid she asks her favorite person for some help.

You would have eventually hurt her feelings in retaliation for her daring to ask you for support or lied and snuck some drinks in, so to be honest, you probably made the right choice, just tell her no to begin with so you couldn’t show her what a chode you really are if you’d have said yes and changed your mind later.” koreiryuu

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2. AITJ For Not Scolding My Son When He Yelled At His Dad?

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“The last year has been rough for our 6-year-old as his entire life has been upended as I left his dad. Things haven’t been civil between my ex and myself… Our son has seen things I wish he hadn’t, including me crying after I spoke to his dad more than once.

My ex came to pick up our kids a few days ago. He told me he wasn’t going to let me take the kids to see my parents even though he previously agreed. I was pretty much begging him to change his mind when our son walked in.

He started yelling at his dad to stop being mean to me and saying he didn’t like him anymore.

I didn’t say anything because I was in shock as my son has never spoken to his dad like that before and knows he shouldn’t.

Even my ex was shocked but he recovered quicker than me and told our son he wasn’t being mean to me. He tried to get me to agree with him but I was still so shocked I didn’t say anything, which upset my son more.

Our son wouldn’t go with his dad and my ex blames me because he thinks I’m trying to turn our kids against him which isn’t true. He said I should’ve said something and told me I was bluffing when I told him I was just shocked.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

While it’s important to take the high road and not bash your ex to your kids (therapists and besties are for that!), if they witness someone treating you badly, then in my opinion, it’s also important not to defend the toxic/abusive behavior either.

Also, it sounds like you were in a state of shock (fight, flight, or freeze) and that you didn’t have the capacity to say anything at the moment.

Also, unless you’re leaving the country and legally need a notarized letter for travel as per your corollary relief order, proving that you’re on vacation with a departure/return date, you don’t need your ex’s permission to travel with your kids, any more than you need his permission to bring them to school, the playground or the grocery store during your scheduled time with them.

It sounds like you were in a very toxic, controlling, and abusive marriage filled with gaslighting.

Unless you need to legally advise him of something which was court-ordered, no matter how much he curses, yells, tries to threaten, harass, control, and/or intimidate you, it’s time to be a blank sheet of paper.

He gets no information from you, except for what you need to tell him.

Even then, it’s best to do it in writing (text or email) so you have a record of it and so your children don’t witness it.

You really don’t want to be accused of parental alienation by your ex and to have to defend yourself in court, proving that you’ve gone out of your way for your children to have a healthy relationship with their other parent.

While I wouldn’t ask your child to apologize to his dad or for you to defend his dad’s behavior/treatment of you, it would be good to apologize to your son for what he’s experienced and witnessed, to let him know that he’s safe with his dad (assuming that he and your other kids are), it’s okay to be angry, to forgive and that you support him in spending time with his siblings and his dad.

Also, it sounds like it would be good for your son to speak with a therapist. Even though everyone says that ‘kids are resilient’ they’re really not. What we experience when we’re younger shapes and affects us throughout our lives.” Next_Astronomer_2166

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. You are the parents here. Stop involving your child in your squabbles. You are alienating him by leading him to believe that his father is being mean or unkind to you when he is around you to see the fights/debates/crying/whatever.

Your son should be hearing the absolute minimum of what is going on between you two regarding disagreements. The kind where you are crying or raising voices should 100% not be happening in the vicinity of your son.” Dizzy_Yard7671

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

You’ve tried to shield your son from this as best you can, but at the end of the day he lives with you and kids pick up on more than people realize. He walked in during a conversation, not a shouting match.

He realized that you have been crying because of something his dad has done, and he wants to protect you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

My only concern is how much he knows about the situation. Does he know why you split?

Why his dad doesn’t want you to take the kids to see your parents? I know he’s only six, but he’s obviously picked up on some of what’s going on. It might be time to have a somewhat grown-up conversation with him, at least make sure he doesn’t have the wrong idea about any of this.

You, on the other hand, should get a lawyer. Dad originally agreed to you taking the kids to see your parents, and now he’s gone back on that agreement? Why? What was the reason for the split? If this is typical behavior from Dad then I would get a custody agreement in the works.” Entorien_Scriber

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. As much as you’re hurting in those moments, they hurt your child even more. He doesn’t have the full context, he has no control over the situations and he has nowhere near as many coping mechanisms as an adult.

You as parents are both currently giving him the baggage he’ll carry as an adult.

Get control of your emotions in front of him. Stop taking calls from your ex with him present – communicate via text. Do quick and clean drop-offs.

And please consider therapy for both of you. The best thing you can do for him is to foster strong healthy relationships with both of his parents.” knapen50

-4 points (4 vote(s))
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LadyTauriel 1 year ago
Kids aren't stupid. I can guarantee you this isn't the first time your son has witnessed your ex being an jerk. Ex is an abusive gaslighting jerk. NTJ
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1. AITJ For Inviting My Son's Ex To Thanksgiving?

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“I am 38f, with my son Adam 16m. His father isn’t in the picture.

My best friend Lily passed away 10 years ago, leaving behind her daughter Iris (16f). I am her godmother and I think of her as a second child.

Adam and Iris grew up together, and they dated for eight months, breaking up mutually at the end of the summer this year. They have been friendly with each other since then and spoke briefly during my birthday party a few months ago.

I figured that their friendship would simply be more cordial for the time being, and since Adam never complained, my relationship with Iris remained the same.

Iris has spent Thanksgiving with us for the last 4 years.

Adam saw a text on my phone from Iris today that stated she baked the dessert she was bringing this afternoon, and that she hoped everyone would like it.

So he asked me why I invited his ex. I told him that Iris is still my goddaughter, and he never asked me to stop inviting her to events that I host. He said that he was fine with me going to lunch and shopping and getting my nails done with Iris, but he was hoping to invite his new SO, Violet, to dessert and that it would be awkward for her to eat something baked by Iris.

I told Adam that he never asked me about inviting his partner and that it was rude to spring this on me so suddenly. Adam replied that a good mom would stand by her son, and not some girl who’s not even my real kid.

I told Adam to go to his room and not come out until he apologizes for his disrespectful attitude. Then basically told him would not be invited, and he shouted that I’m the one disrespecting HIM.

Adam refused to speak to me for the rest of the night, and I fear that I may have ruined Thanksgiving.

I stand firm that Adam has never raised the issue until now, and I think that he is trying to be petty because Iris already knows that his new SO is her cousin. So he would effectively be rubbing his new relationship in Iris’ face when Iris has been nothing but kind to him.

So, am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, I would like to say you shouldn’t refer to her as your son’s ex, because that’s actually not your primary relationship with her. She’s not just some girl your son dated and that you latched on to, she’s been a family friend since she was born, his trying to exclude her now because he dated her is stupid.

He literally shouldn’t have dated her if he wasn’t prepared to deal with her for the rest of his life.

His trying to exclude someone entirely because he is insecure and wasn’t prepared for the actual implications that come from having dated someone in the family circle is his problem.

Do not disinvite her from Thanksgiving. And I would say, even if Violet is nice, you should afterward have a real firm conversation with your son about his poor behavior, and how disrespectful it was that he invited someone to your event without telling you first. Violet may be lovely, but he does not get to disrespect you and Iris and say that it’s all for Violet’s benefit.

Him trying to push her out first like a human shield in these conversations is wrong to her.” JCBashBash

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, talk to your kid, for Pete’s sake.

He’s 16, he’s way up his own butt and he made a stupid assumption that you wouldn’t invite his ex.

That’s on him.

What’s on you is that you don’t really seem to care about how emotionally complex this situation can be for a 16-year-old who just broke up with his ex while his mom seems to spend more time with his ex than with him.

And I’m worried that you’ve fallen into the ‘respect’ trap where you never expect any pushback from your children at all while running rough-shod over their feelings.

From your own story, you were awfully quick to go to punishment and authority and it doesn’t feel like this is the first time something similar occurred for your kid.” TheActualAWdeV

Another User Comments:

“Ooph. This isn’t an easy one. I’m going to say NTJ with the caveat that you kind of navigated this issue in an ineffective matter. You’re right, Iris should be there and you shouldn’t waver on that.

However, instead of hammering him with technicalities about invites and telling him, ‘tough crap, deal with it,’ you should have instead validated his feelings and discussed with him in a manner that would allow him to open up about his concerns without you immediately shutting him down.

By coming at him so hard about it, he’s reciprocating by digging his own heels in and shutting you completely out emotionally.

So I’d go to him and apologize for being cold and not respecting his feelings and then approach this from a much softer angle to figure out a way where he feels secure about Iris being able to come over without it blowing up his relationship.” User

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here — you are guilty of the things you are punishing Adam for, inviting a guest without the other party’s knowledge. You have to remember who is your actual child here, whose home this is: yours AND Adam’s.

Just because it’s been happening for years doesn’t mean anything when the circumstances have changed. While Adam was wrong for inviting Violet without informing you, you dropped the ball here as well.

Iris isn’t an orphan — you would have mentioned this.

She still has her own family for thanksgiving. Adam only has you. He doesn’t begrudge you for spending time with Iris after they’ve broken up. But Thanksgiving is about family and you are pushing your family away. You said Adam hasn’t raised any issues?

Because he wasn’t even aware he had to raise one! You are punishing Adam for something you are equally guilty of. Which actually makes you the bigger jerk by the way, because it’s not like he! has! any!

Authority! Over you!

In fact, I think you’ve dropped the ball even prior to this. The break-up might not be okay as you think it is, just that they are keeping it quiet so that it doesn’t affect your relationship with Iris.

It was probably out of respect for you. But just because they try to not let their situation affect you, doesn’t mean you should be expecting them to act as they were before. Things have changed and you are naive to pretend things can proceed as they’ve always been.

Talk to your son. He obviously has been feeling alienated from you for a while. You’re not a bad person — great even for how you stepped up for iris. But maybe actually put the effort you have been putting into cultivating a relationship with your goddaughter, into one with your son?

After all, you are quite literally thinking the worst of your son by saying he wants to snub Iris’ feelings and caring more about her feelings than your son’s. Your duties as a parent take precedence over your duties as a godparent.” misandrior

-4 points (4 vote(s))
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lico1 1 year ago
Jesus how small is your town that these are the girls your kid is jerk?
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