People Want Us To Get Immersed Into Their "Am I The Jerk?" Conundrum
16. AITJ For Expecting To Be Paid Full Price To Take Care Of My Disabled Brother?
“I (22f) will graduate from nursing school next June. I’ve started looking for jobs and I’ve been thinking that I could try being a particular nurse (those that you hire to take care of a patient in their own home or if they need medical care 24/7).
I would prefer that for now as I got very anxious during my practices in hospitals, there are many patients and it’s a very stressful situation if you don’t have much experience. My idea is to work as a domestic nurse for 1-2 years and then try again to work in a clinic or hospital after I get some experience.
Well, I have a brother who’s 14 years old, he has autism and is disabled from his waist down. My parents asked me if I would be willing to work for them by taking care of my brother. I said it’s okay for me, a patient is a patient, then they asked how much was the “family discount” in order to consider hiring me.
I told them they’d have to pay full price if they wanted me to nurse my brother; there’s no such thing as a family discount.
They got livid. They told me I’m doing this for them and for my brother and that there’s stuff more important than money.
I don’t think that what I am asking is unreasonable, after all, I have to take my brother to therapy, shower him, clean him up, feed him, give him his medication, etc. All the same stuff I would have to do with any other patient, I think I am asking for fair pay that’s consistent with how much work I am gonna do.
I’ll charge £25 per hour which is average where I live, I don’t think I’m being too unreasonable.”
Another User Comments:
“I’ve been a nurse for almost 15 years, OP. DO NOT GO INTO PRIVATE NURSING RIGHT OUT OF SCHOOL FOR MULTIPLE YEARS (ok if you can’t get another job for a bit).
I get that you’re anxious, but now is the time when you’re fresh out of school, you can perfect your physical exam and TIME MANAGEMENT. If you get used to the time management having ONE, NOT SICK ENOUGH TO BE HOSPITALIZED PATIENT. It’s going to be VERY VERY VERY hard to get used to multiple patients once you have a routine.
If you’re happy to do private your full career, go for it, but…don’t shoot yourself in the foot otherwise.” AlpineRN
Another User Comments:
“INFO and NTJ. Have you asked your parents if they have a timeline for the arrangement, especially since they are essentially asking you to stunt your career in terms of skills, growth, and earnings?
OP, please carefully consider the start of your career path. Home health workers, sadly, are terribly underpaid in the long run, and it might not be as simple as transitioning to a new care setting in two years. Try and talk to an experienced nurse to get some advice.
There are other care settings that aren’t high-pressure hospital work, but that have growth and earning potential.” iheartwords
Another User Comments:
“INFO. How do you expect to learn all the things that you will need for the eventual clinic or hospital setting working alone with single patients?
How will you learn enough to work with those patients? Yes, this is me saying you are going about that backward. Go for a hospital job first, learn the stuff with mentors and colleagues to help you. Single-patient practice is for experienced nurses. That said, NTJ for wanting to be paid for work.
How are you going to support yourself if you aren’t getting paid a full hourly amount? Honestly, you will not learn much working for your parents and taking care of your brother and you won’t be qualified to move on to other jobs. Resist this except possibly short term or to fill in on occasional days.
You are going to have a degree you worked hard for – take it and go build your career. Find some help to deal with the fact that you found some of the work stressful.” Brennan_Boru1031
15. AITJ For Buying A Skirt For My Stepdaughter That Her Cousin Wanted?
“My (28F) stepdaughter’s (17F) cousin (16F) is the most spoiled and envious girl I have ever met in my life.
Every time my stepdaughter or one of her other cousins says that she likes a certain thing, this girl buys it the next day because she knows that she got it first and nobody can buy it. I don’t know if you have teenage relatives but most of them lately believe in the rule that if you have any item of clothing, none of your friends can buy the same, and my stepdaughter and her cousins think that way too.
But lately, I noticed that her cousin breaks those “rules”. Every time they talk about clothes or shoes she asks my stepdaughter what she likes, and when she says she likes a certain thing, she buys it within a few days, so my stepdaughter can’t buy it, and many of those times she doesn’t even use what she buys.
I guess she only buys those things because it gives her pleasure to know that only she has them, and I don’t think that’s fair, so when I heard them talking about some skirts, I quickly bought one for my stepdaughter before her cousin could buy it.
My stepdaughter showed it to her happy because it’s something they really wanted since everyone wears them, and her cousin was furious, even though she pretended to be happy. But I know how to recognize when someone is dying of jealousy, and she was exploding with jealousy.
And now my husband (55M) thinks that I should have let it go, that these are teen problems, but I love his daughter as my daughter, and I don’t want to see her cousin treat her badly, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I’ve never heard of that “rule” nor did my daughters and their friends/cousins ever follow such a thing.
So what if they both own the same thing? They likely will accessorize and pair it differently anyway. And it’s not like they go to the same school and see each other daily so the chances of duplicating the same outfit on the same day is slim.
NTJ for getting something your stepdaughter wanted, but you are the jerk if you keep perpetuating the idea that only one person can have something to the exclusion of others. Does this extend to accessories– shoes, hair accessories, belts? Cell phones? College majors? Vacations? Pet breeds?
Where does it end?” PhilosophySalt5766
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You just made your daughter’s day, and boosted her self-esteem among her cousin. Don’t know if guys get this, so don’t be too hard on your husband, but it’s absolutely a ‘girl thing’ and as vital as breathing to teenage girls.
As she’s always on the bottom of the heap thanks to her snotty cousin, I think she’d vote you ‘mom of the year’ for putting her one-up on top. As you grew out of your own teenage silliness, she will also grow out of this phase, but while she’s in it, you’ve just made yourself the hero.
Could you help her see how toxic her cousin is and discuss what alternatives she has?” Superb_Book7012
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m going to reiterate some things from other comments. Good on you for getting that skirt for her “first” because this will help her to have self-confidence in herself.
Make it clear that wherever this “rule” came from, it is utter nonsense. These clothes are mass market. Many people will be wearing the clothes, although maybe not paired the same way. Your SD likely has seen multiple girls (even her friends) in her school wearing the same blouse/skirt/shoes/necklace/etc. as others and at the same time (gasp!).
They may even show up completely by chance dressed exactly the same one day (extra gasps!). It sounds like this one cousin made up this “rule” so that she can be the most special and noticed of all the female cousins near her age, narcissism at its finest. I recommend that you pass onto your SD that she needs to go as LC with the one cousin as possible and an info diet (don’t say what she likes, or wait to say what she likes until AFTER she’s bought it).
Also, tell her to get the clothing she likes because her desires are more important than “(Susie Mae) got that blouse so now I can’t have it.” That thought process is going to lead to an unnecessarily severely diminished wardrobe and a highly upset teen/YA.
When she DOES talk with the one cousin and “what do you like?” gets asked, the response should be, “Nope. Not going to say because then you’re going to go out and buy whatever it is I said I liked and throw a massive tantrum when I ignore your ridiculous “rule” and get it for myself, and I don’t want to deal with your histrionics.” Or only say what she likes much later when it’s far too late for her cousin to buy it first. Personally, I’d take the first response and watch cousin implode to being told no and being called out on her behavior.” ToriBethATX
14. AITJ For Making Fun Of The Baby Names My Sister Picked Out?
“I (24M) have a sister a year younger, Hailey (23F). She is pregnant with her first daughter expected in March. My sister Hailey is a very free-spirited person, and she definitely has her own taste in music, clothes, art, et cetera. Unfortunately, this extends to baby names.
She wants to name my niece either Redemption Cosmos or Venus Kali Cosmos — for real. She posted the names in our family WhatsApp group, and she asked us to vote for our fave. My relatives were just going along with it, but honestly, my sister is young, and I felt like a jerk for not saying anything.
I messaged her privately on the side and said that the names are bad and would be a burden on my niece’s life. I told her those names might be okay for an exotic dancer (my sister works as a dancer in a local club), but they’d be hard to live within a more “mainstream” job.
I really wasn’t trying to be mean; I just cared about my niece and wanted to help.
Well, my sister forwarded my private messages to the GC and told my family I was a judgmental jerk. She shared that the names were personally meaningful because this baby is her redemption and pregnancy has helped her make peace with her body and accept her flaws.
My mom has been leaving me nasty messages since then, but I haven’t listened to them yet, except the 1st one.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a throwback to colonial times when they wanted ‘meaningful’ names. I am a genealogist. Names actually in my family tree include Providence, Freelove, Thankful, Experience (last name Bliss), Frittisweed, Strongwaters, Content, and so on.
I joke that after kid 13, the dad just looks around the room and says, let’s name this one Breadbox.” Realistic_Sorbet2826
Another User Comments:
“ESH. I mean. Yeah. The names are unorthodox. And I don’t think you’d be a jerk for stating that fact.
I don’t believe you were trying to be kind with the “for an exotic dancer” comment. Regardless, that’s a pretty trashy thing to say to your sister. As such, I don’t really blame her for sharing the texts. But she probably could’ve just talked to you about how the comments made her feel.
Finally, the fact that your mom is now harassing you is wrong and uncalled for. Everyone kinda just sucks here.” therealsillygoose-
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As someone who hires people all the time, this is a huge pet peeve for me and not generally for my employees as I have people from all over the world to work all over the world, and I understand that there are names that are geographically common from where they’re from, but occasionally I will run across the customer that has a completely totally whacked out name.
And it baffles me that these people didn’t know when they named their child Toaster that the kid’s gonna have problems with that later in life not being taken seriously and have a hard time getting a job, getting a loan, and it’s expensive to change your name when you’re an adult, not to mention all the hassle of connecting your school records, credit history, homeownership, marriage.
Here’s an example: I worked at a bank and these people named their child “Truly,” their last name was golden, so it was cute until she married a man whose last name was boring. It sounds funny but this woman had to explain it every single time she came into the bank.” Obvious_Dish_821
13. AITJ For Refusing To Accept A Compliment From A Family Friend?
“My mom has a friend, we’ll call her “Marie,” about my mom’s age, who’s visited us every few months or so for about 10 years. She’s a nice woman and is very conversational, but since I was a young girl, I was never fond of her.
I remember she always had something to say about my appearance. Never anything bad or insulting, but the comments didn’t make me feel good either.
The comments were primarily about my hair. For reference, I have curly hair, about a 3C pattern. This was around the time that there wasn’t much information about curly hair, so not only did I not know how to take care of it, I was ashamed of it and always complained that I wanted it straight.
It took me a long time (kindergarten to senior year of HS) to grow to love my hair now and properly care for it.
Between those awkward stages of hating my hair, Marie’s comments would be, “I wish I was able to just roll out of bed without doing my hair,” or “Your curls are beautiful, but I want to see it straight one day!” OR, and this one’s my favorite, “Just brush your hair, then it’ll look nice!”
At the time, I just dealt with it, and even if I told her to not touch my hair (that’s an entirely different discussion), my parents would tell me to “be nice.”
So, this leads to what happened last night. Marie came to visit as per usual and everything was all good and uneventful.
Then while we had dinner she, like clockwork, said “OP you’re braver than me, I can’t pull off that hair, you should try straightening it.”
I had enough. So I glared at her. She said, “It’s a compliment; I love your hair!” I said, “That’s not a compliment, and you know that.” Shortly afterward, I went to bed.
This morning my mom scolded me and said I was unnecessarily rude to Marie and ruined everyone’s mood. I defended myself and basically said, “I understand that you’re defending your friend, but these comments are not kind and have never made me feel good.” It ended in a screaming match and I left for work.
So AITJ? My parents think I am.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That is a “back-handed compliment” also known as a Nice-Nasty. It’s a passive-aggressive tactic to hurt your feelings and manipulate you by saying it’s your fault your feelings are hurt, not their fault. Get a book about passive-aggressive behavior at the library.
Make sure it has a quiz in it. Show your mom the part of the book that shows making mean comments and saying they are jokes is passive-aggressive. Educate your mom!! And learn all the other subversive ways passive-aggressive people are mean. Next time respond, Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining!” FrauAmarylis
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I don’t think you’ll win this battle with your current tactics. If I were in your situation, I would have a bunch of boring canned responses ready for any of her “compliments.” Marie: “You should straighten your hair!” You: “I actually love my hair exactly how it is.” Marie: “But you should try it sometime!” You: “No thanks, I love my curly hair.” Repeat until it gets weird because it is weird that she’s so obsessed with commenting on you and your body.
Backhanded compliment about your hair/clothing? Stare blankly at her and say “huh that was kinda weird to say. Anyway, anyone seen any good movies recently?” Or if you’re feeling gutsy: “What do you mean by that?” and let her try to explain. The key is to just keep your cool the whole time; don’t get defensive.” rosika
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your mom is the real problem here. I’m sure your mother is aware that her friend’s comments about your appearance were meant unkindly. Your mother has deliberately made this situation harder on you to make it easier for herself, which is cowardly and selfish.
Good job standing up for yourself to both your mom’s friend, who is a passive-aggressive bully, and your mother, who enables her friend’s misbehavior. Continue to hold everyone accountable and don’t give an inch. Believe me, the world is full of people who will spit in your face and tell you it meant nothing or that it was your own fault.
Learn how to deal with them while you’re young and allow those lessons to carry you throughout your life.” Reddithandle23
12. AITJ For Not Accommodating My Stepdaughter's New Vegan Diet?
“I (25) have two children (5, one on the way) with my husband, my husband has a daughter (12) we’ve got 60/40 custody.
In our household we have a few dietary restrictions; my son doesn’t like certain textures/smells, my husband is dairy intolerant/gluten intolerant as well as not liking certain foods due to texture or smells (I’m not even allowed fish, noodles, or mushrooms in the house) as well as currently there are a few foods that make me nauseated.
It’s not picky eating for my son, he has a global delay, and his teachers are trying to get us help for a diagnosis of autism.
My stepdaughter has recently wanted to go vegan, at her mother’s, she’s 100% accommodated, but it’s easier there since it’s just those two.
I tried, I asked my stepdaughter and her mother for food recommendations, I’ve googled recipes, etc., and I’ve even just cut out the middle man and got frozen things, but each time I’ve tried, either my son or husband didn’t like it, or isn’t something I feel she can eat daily as my husband has said frozen foods are limited to once/twice a week.
So I told my stepdaughter those twice a week. We can either make a separate meal together or frozen, but it isn’t ideal for me to cook two different meals every night when I then work nights, and it isn’t affordable in the long term.
Husband said I’m giving up too early, making custody harder, etc. and Stepdaughter has taken to giving me the silent treatment…
An example would be tonight’s dinner: steak, broccoli, and new potatoes – only one meal, I don’t eat steak so I just had some broccoli because when I don’t like something I just have the side, like when we had hotdogs I had some onions in a roll.
I know it’ll come up that my husband can cook; he tends to overseason things to the point where it’s overbearingly salty, but my husband likes it.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Sorry for your situation because it is honestly ridiculous. You’re not allowed to eat certain foods because your husband is intolerant?
Tough crap. He can eat something different. You’re accommodating everyone else, but you’re not allowed to accommodate -you-, and I’m all for letting your kids eat what they want to, but this is your house, and if you can’t afford for your stepdaughter to practice veganism at 12 years old, you don’t have to cater to this kid just because she wants to be a vegan right now.
This could even be a phase at her age – no one really knows, but as long as you’re making healthy foods that everyone can eat, there should be no complaints. Also, five-year-olds are picky eaters. And you can make them something separate, but your entire household should not suffer just because your husband is a jerk and wants to control your personal dietary decisions.
You need to stop putting everyone else before you all the time. You also have the right to have things that you want, and you don’t have to sacrifice that for the sake of everyone else in your life. NTJ.” CyclonicHavoc
Another User Comments:
“INFO: “as my husband has said, frozen foods are limited to once/twice a week.” By frozen foods, I presume you are referring to ready-meal type frozen foods? Why? Is this a down to costs or concerns on how healthy the meals are? But…if it’s bought frozen foods are out, what about you/your husband batch preparing, possibly with the help of your stepdaughter, some vegan meals that can be frozen down and brought out as necessary?
Most of the prep is done, and batch meals can be cheaper and healthier (depending on the ingredients/recipe) than bought meals.” Ok-Status-9627
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s hard to make food that accommodates everyone. You should really be getting the whole family involved in cooking, we do it at our house.
When everyone gets involved in cooking meals from scratch and cleaning the kitchen after, it makes it easier for everyone. It’s not fair to have one person cook and clean, or one person cook and others clean. Plus if everyone is involved it makes it easier to pander to dietary restrictions.
As for it being cheaper to cook a frozen dinner, it really isn’t most of the time. It’s definitely a lot more work…. But again, get more people involved and share the responsibility. It also teaches kids to cook for themselves so they aren’t eating noodles when to go off the college lmao.” TTYY_20
Another User Comments:
“Soft NTJ, 12 years old, why can’t she help you cook (basically she cooks her own food)? Not to be critical, but it isn’t much more effort to cook 2 different entrées. My wife is allergic to basically anything I eat, and I cook two entrées for every meal. Sides are basically going to be the same for every person, if someone wants to add something to a side, they can do it when the food is plated. If your husband doesn’t like it, he can cook his own darn meal after the kids are fed. Pro-tip, meal prep on your days off, makes cooking dinner during the work week easier.
Every couple of weeks I cook up a bunch of fish for my wife, and a bunch of chicken and sausages for me then freeze them, easy dinners for 2 to 3 weeks for us, just takes about 15 minutes to reheat the entrées and cook a random veggie side dish.” zdstormwolf
The vegan girl is big enough to help with cooking and you could consult the younger kid too but, outside of genuine allergies/intolerances, your H can eat what he's given or cook for himself.
11. AITJ For Not Paying My Sister For Housesitting For Me?
“I 21f have an apartment two streets from my family’s house. I have a 14-year-old sister who wanted a way to make a quick buck, so I asked her if she could come over before and after school to let the dogs out to use the bathroom (my apartment is across the street from the school) and feed the dogs and sit with them for a little while or for however long she wanted to get away from home for a little bit.
She agreed and so did my parents.
I have the Ring doorbell app and it was the 3rd day she was house sitting, and I never checked, but I just was bored and saw her and 3 other girls walk in. I never told her people could come over, so I text her, and she says it’s friends from school.
I told her they needed to leave. She stopped answering my texts, and about 2 hours later, I got the notification they were leaving. I was upset but thought as long as nothing was stolen, then I guess it’s okay.
When I got home, my bedroom was a mess.
Clothes were everywhere, I’m assuming my sister was trying them on. One of my Michael Kors bags was gone. I was also given a bottle of Pétrus for my 21st birthday that I hadn’t opened yet. I found it half full in the back of my cabinet, wide open.
I was obviously really mad. I texted my sister and told her that she was no longer getting paid, and my bag that was missing better be returned, or I’d be talking to parents. I texted my mom and snitched for my sister drinking because I was mad, and a 14-year-old shouldn’t be drinking.
My sister texted me back calling me a witch and that I needed to pay her or else I lied because she fed the dogs every day. I told her you don’t get paid when you trash a house and steal. My sister’s really mad, she’s grounded, and my mom’s trying to find out the girls’ parents’ names.
I don’t think I’m the jerk, because yeah, she fed the dogs, but things are missing now, and my house is a mess. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Your sister is literally demanding you PAY her for 1) trashing your house, 2) stealing from you, and 3) potentially putting you in a seriously compromising position with a bunch of underage kids drinking your stuff in your home, unsupervised. NTJ, and I wouldn’t trust this kid with anything important as far as I could throw her for a good long while.” ladyknighted
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she broke the rules and laws, I think you can go to the school and talk to the principal and inform them of the illegal activities of a few of their students (trespassing, theft, underage drinking), show them the video and you would like the opportunity to inform their parents and work things out before you need to press charges.” barhrun
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So she is mad that you aren’t paying her and called you a liar?! LOL, yet she trashed your room, drank your stuff (which can’t people get in trouble for underage drinking?), and also stole from you. Your sister doesn’t see anything wrong with that.
She could have gotten you in trouble. I’m guessing. Someone please help me with that. Doesn’t matter that she fed the dogs. She showed your house no respect. She is showing you no respect.” [deleted]
10. AITJ For Not Watching My Sister-In-Law's Kid A Few Times A Week, Then Getting Pregnant?
Sister-in-law is definitely feeling betrayed.
“My SIL is a divorced single mother to a 2-year-old and is on active duty.
She used to have friends that she would regularly leave her child with instead of us because she also needed someone to feed and watch her 3 dogs, 4 indoor cats, and 3 to 4 outdoor cats. We watched the animals and the friend watched the kid. On multiple occasions when this friend would fall through on child care, she would call us a day off, and we would rearrange our lives, fight traffic, and get her kid because we wanted to help.
When she has long underways, we made it clear we cannot watch her kid because my husband is also on active duty and I work. I cannot drop my own kid off at school and drive 45 minutes to an hour across town to the military base and fight traffic to drop hers off, and then get to work on time.
Her child goes to the military base daycare facility. My child goes to a public school 10-15 minutes from my house in the opposite direction of the base. His hours don’t always allow him the ability to drop her kid off and pick her up.
Current Situation: My husband and I invited my SIL and niece to our child’s birthday party on Saturday. We also informed her we were newly pregnant again and mentioned that we had not told my in-laws yet. We assumed she would be excited to be an aunt again.
She initially agreed, but my husband and I both noticed a tone change on the phone. We both assumed she had been just annoyed at her little one since we could hear her trying to shop with her when we called.
Later in the evening, she texts my husband and says that she isn’t coming to the party.
He asks why… she states that we had struggled to help her out with her child and have her a few times a week, but now are having a whole baby we need to care for 24/7, and that she is hurt and needs some space and time.
Of course, I personally could not leave this be, and let her know her comments were selfish and did not depict the entire picture since we have repeatedly cared for her child on numerous occasions, sometimes with no notice. We have also cared for her animals.
It has been made very clear I logistically can’t drop ours off and hers off on 2 different sides of town. We have also cared for her animals. She’s a 15-20 minute one-way drive for us, and sometimes we made multiple trips a day to her home to care for her animals.
She snapped at my husband over text. She was angry he had told me what she had said. My husband explained to her that I asked why and that he does not lie to me, so he told me what was going on. He then had a bad feeling at that point and called my MIL only to find out that my SIL had called and told her we were pregnant.
My husband is also LIVID she told my inlaws about our pregnancy before we could. We were planning on announcing this second one in a cute way, and she stole that from us.
AITJ for saying something to my sister-in-law to spark off this craziness?
Should I have let it be?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she’s more concerned with her status quo than your joy. Is it selfish? Yes. Is it somewhat understandable? Also yes. She is entitled to feel however she wants, what she is not entitled to is your time.
I would gently but matter-of-factly suggest she explore other options for her current pet and childcare needs as it is clear that the current operational status is no longer tenable. Your hurt is valid, and no one likes to feel used. I am curious, where does the kid go (full-time/overnight) when she’s deployed?
It’s not like the child can have the run of the house where you (occasionally previously) or the minder just has to run over for transportation. Even the pets need more interaction than making sure they have food and water. Do you take the pets into your home?
Does the sitter take the child into theirs? Who has legal custodial governance of the child when mom is serving her country?” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. After having read your comments? Your SIL is doing all of this to herself. She has alternatives for her kid, she’s just too spiteful to let the dad or paternal grandparents take the kid.
She has way more animals than she can reasonably care for, especially because of her life circumstances. She sounds like a deeply angry, spiteful woman who would rather blame other people for the disaster that her life is than look at her own problems and start fixing them.
She genuinely needs therapy but I doubt she’s anywhere close to being willing to admit she has a problem. You are not responsible for her or her poor decisions and you need to stop bailing her out. Although it sounds like you’re genuinely busy enough that you’re unable to anymore anyway.
Her chain of command probably needs to know about the situation. She’s not managing things and she hasn’t got a workable plan for her home life. I realize active duty is probably her life’s calling, but her life choices are genuinely jeopardizing that. You can’t be a single parent on active duty and not have a functional support structure.” toketsupuurin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Wow. Just wow. Strip the whole thing down: Your SIL is livid that you and your husband are having a baby because…wait for it…that means you won’t be able to help her anymore. How ridiculous does that sound to a normal person?
I hope your MIL and FIL are not on her side. She is an unhinged ball of entitlement. Clearly, everyone in her life exists to suit her needs. I’m so sorry she stole your cute announcement. Do it anyway. Pretend they don’t know.
Don’t let her take that from you. And don’t help her anymore. She didn’t see it as favors that family did because they care about her. She wasn’t grateful. She saw it as something she deserved. You have every right to be upset.
Who wouldn’t be? I hope she comes around and realizes just how ridiculous this all is. If she doesn’t, prepare to hold your ground and keep making your household your priority.” CatmoCatmo
9. AITJ For Causing My Friend And Her Husband To Fight?
“Recently, my (f32) friend (f32) (and her husband, m34) purchased their first home and they had a housewarming party after they finished decorating it.
Rachel, my friend, kept showing off her stuff, boasting about paint colors, etc. Frankly, you could tell she’s decorated all of it, it had her basic style written all over it. There was nothing there that would scream Matt (her husband). But I kept my mouth shut, I knew she was a bit controlling in the decorating department (we shared a flat for a year in uni).
I’ve had a few drinks and was slightly tipsy. Some others were intoxicated, including Matt. After yet another comment from Rachel about her beige color crap (I admit I can’t stand her taste and that’s the reason we’ve only lived together for a year, she wouldn’t compromise and she got kind of angry with me after her “live, laugh, love” disappeared one day in mysterious circumstances).
Anyway, when she made a comment, I asked Matt what he thought of the decor and if it’s everything he wanted.
Unexpectedly, Matt blurted out that he hated it. He spent thousands and she wouldn’t let him pick a color for anything, not even his office (he works from home).
I didn’t expect that answer, and I’m sure his honesty was caused by his drinking. I tried to switch the subject but Rachel got really angry with him and shouted, “What do you mean you hate it?” And she started arguing with him in front of everyone.
But he was too intoxicated, so he just went to bed, ignoring her.
It got really awkward and we all left. It seems they’ve argued since then because Rachel has been telling me that I am the jerk, constantly messaging me because I almost ruined her marriage and I ruined her house because she had to agree to let him decorate his office and he chose green which she hates.
She’s telling all our friends what a jerk I was.
I feel really bad and this was not my intention. Should I apologize? Am I the jerk for causing the argument?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You knew what you were doing when you asked Matt if he liked any of the decor.
Matt should have had a discussion with Rachel about his decor wishes before the decorating took place, or after you all left the party. And Rachel sucks for blaming you for the argument. The problem isn’t you – it’s her and Matt’s ability to be open, honest, and flexible.
And, I have to say, the way you drag Rachel makes me think you have a wee bit of jealousy towards her. Like, no one gets that irritated with someone else’s style when it legit doesn’t affect you in any way.” LiberalHousewife
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. From the way you tell this story, it doesn’t even sound like you like this girl. Go back and read it – why did you even go? I mean I have different tastes than some of my friends but to each his own.
I mean you even talk about her bragging about her stuff – wasn’t it a housewarming party? Wasn’t it her first house? Instead of acting like she is a braggart how about she is just so excited because they got their first house.
Isn’t the whole concept of a housewarming party for their friends to see their house and decor? You sound really petty. Again, why did you go? Everything in your post sounds like sour grapes, you shouldn’t have gone if you are jealous or don’t like her.
That is why you are the jerk. And I bet you did bait the husband because most men don’t give a crap about decor as long as they have their electronics.” EggplantOriginal6314
Another User Comments:
“ESH. No doubt Rachel acted like a jerk, but you are one as well.
Maybe even the bigger one. “purchased their first home and they had a housewarming party after they finished decorating it. Rachel, my friend, kept showing off her stuff, boasting about paint colors, etc.” So you’re going to a housewarming and are annoyed your friend is showing you her new place?
What were you expecting? “After yet another comment from Rachel about her beige color crap (I admit I can’t stand her taste.)” Your whole post reeks of bitterness and jealousy. Rachel and Matt just got their first home (something to be proud of!) and you don’t seem happy at all for them.
Only jealous. That makes for a really crappy friend. Be honest – Do you even like Rachel? Why did you go to her housewarming if you consider her controlling, are annoyed by her showing you the place (at a HOUSEWARMING), and hate her taste? You may not have started this on purpose (I can see why people suspect you did, honestly!) but you surely still suck.” thk151
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You are honest about your feelings for this woman and her taste and the fact that the husband didn’t appear to have any input. So it was a loaded question to see what happened. Your part was pretty minor though. Asking the question would not have been a problem if Matt liked it or was indifferent.
But since he isn’t he should have spoken up and told Rachel his feelings while the decorating was happening. And then stood his ground. Rachel just sounds a little obnoxious in general and extremely controlling. She is the biggest jerk by far.” Acceptable-Finding62
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The question might not have been entirely innocent, but to pick up on the metaphor of another commenter, you saw the pot and thought to give it a stir to see what would happen. Matt made it into an arm exercise, and Rachel chose to join in.
The two of them were also responsible for what was in the pot in the first place.
Your question (whatever intentions you had) was the straw that broke the camel’s back, but the poor camel was already trembling under the weight of their combined hay.” AlwaysTiredWriter
8. AITJ For Taking Away My Partner's PS5 Until He Gets His Crap Together?
This guy needs therapy, stat.
“I (F24) have been with my partner (M26) for two years, and for his birthday last December, I decided to get him a PS5. He would play it constantly, and I thought that it was just because it was new, and it would die down.
It’s been over two months now, and he is playing it more than ever. Like 8-12 hours a day. Sometimes I will get home from work around 4:30 pm, and he will still be asleep, and when I wake him up, he goes straight to his PS5.
He used to be employed, but he is not currently, and I was understanding and tried to help him find a job, but he started taking advantage of the fact that I wouldn’t push him to get a job because I thought a grown man could figure that out.
I understand needing your own time, but we don’t really talk as much at all anymore, and I have sat down with him and told him on several different occasions that I don’t like how much time he is spending on the PS5 and that I want him looking for a job.
At first, he would respond with, “Ok, I will, I’m sorry,” but now he groans and ignores me, and the only time he talks is if I’m watching him play a game. We’re still sleeping in the same room, but he comes in to sleep at around 3-4 in the morning, and I wake up every day at 6 am.
So it really doesn’t feel like it.
Then on Wednesday, I reminded my partner that my cousin’s wedding was tomorrow (yesterday) and told him I had an outfit picked out for him. I had gotten up at my usual time and did some routine things before I got dressed and woke him up around noon.
Just to make sure he was up, I watched him get up. I told him to take a shower in the other bathroom, so I could do my makeup. When I was finished with my makeup, he was on the PS5. I was extremely furious.
I unplugged it and put it in my car. I said to him that he could get this back when we get home from the wedding. He obliged.
Then about an hour into the wedding, I had been talking to a couple who wanted to buy a house.
Me being a real estate agent, was doing what I always do in this situation which is just a lot of sweet talking. My partner walked over, and I introduced him and said, “Oh! This is my partn-“ I was interrupted by him saying, “Can you give me my PS5 now?” I was mortified to say the least and told the couple to excuse us.
I say to him, “You want the PS5 so bad? Fine. I will drop you off, then come back.”
When we get home, he gets out of the car, and I drive off with the PS5. I was just so livid that that was the reason I had left the wedding that I didn’t care.
We share a car, so he doesn’t have another. I hadn’t responded to any calls or texts from him until I got home because I just wanted for a couple of hours to not have my relationship be fixated on a PS5.
I came back late that night, and I apologized to him, but I told him I’m not giving it back until he finds a job because it is ruining our relationship.
He cried, and I started to feel bad, and I’m debating whether I was being too controlling. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“He demanded the PS5 back in the middle of the wedding? Was he planning to sneak off and plug it into a TV someplace in the reception hall?
What in the ever-loving crap? And then he couldn’t play it, he cried. He cried. He cried because he couldn’t play video games. This supposedly grown man cried because he couldn’t play video games for a single night? Look, I get he is depressed. He is clearly suffering from depression if not outright addiction.
Crying because he couldn’t play video games is such an insane reaction. I can’t imagine any person over the age of 10 crying because they’re told they can’t play video games. Ma’am, I play video games. I have a PS5. It’s fun.
A lot of fun, really. I love my gaming hobby. But on my list of priorities, it is well below the following 3 items: My wife, my kids, my job. Any reasonable adult will prioritize those three things over a video game.
Your man doesn’t need a PS5.
He needs a therapist, antidepressants, and a job. And if he doesn’t commit himself to getting at least the therapist and job, you should consider your future with him. Because he won’t get better unless he wants to get better. Not saying “dump him,” but sit him down and really discuss what he envisions for your future.
Is it him playing video games 12 hours a day while you work and raise any kids you have, along with cleaning up after him and cooking? How exactly does he see his future playing out if one night of not gaming causes him to have an emotional breakdown?
If he wants to commit to you and a solid future, then he needs to commit. He needs to take solid steps towards that future every day. If he doesn’t want that, if he refuses to change and make the effort to change, and gaming remains more important?
Then you have your answer and you know what you have to do. NTJ.” rand0m_tomater
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your significant other needs help. I have no idea from this post what kind of man he was before this, but clearly, this is an escape from reality for him.
I’m not sure what he is running away from. To be this dependent on a console that you want to leave a wedding to play is ALARMING. If you love him, then you need to come from a concerned angle and not judgemental. He needs to either open up to you or a therapist. He also needs to see his general practitioner to see if he is clinically depressed or has another underlying issue.
He needs to understand that he needs help and you are willing to love and support him through the process of getting help. What are activities you used to do together before the PS5? Try spending time doing those things together to bring him back to reality.
He won’t be able to just get a job in this state. He’s already clearly in a dark place and just getting a job won’t fix it. It would be a bandaid forcing him into reality again but it won’t help him deal with or fix whatever underlying issue is at play here.
I wish you both the best of luck.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“YTJ to yourself. Why do you hate yourself so much to be treated like that? You are acting like a mother to an overgrown child who is sucking you dry. He embarrassed you and disrespected you at the wedding.
This boy does not love you, because if he did he would not have treated you like crap at a wedding. This is why I say YTJ. You are allowing this to happen by staying with him. It has nothing to do with the PlayStation 5.
This is how he treats you and how you are okay with it by not blaming him but blaming the PlayStation 5.” buckyroo
If he won't get help, get out of the relationship as quickly and cleanly as you can. Being forced to parent him is not good for either of you.
7. AITJ For Having A Favorite Stepchild?
“My husband is significantly older than me (+10 years). When we married 10 years ago he had three teenage children (ages at the time: Tom-16m, Jane-15f, and Andi-13NB).
The children’s mother had died when Andi was born and I made it clear I was not interested in being a mother figure to them (I was only 25 myself). But over time we have each formed our own relationship.
Very early on it was clear Tom and I just got along well.
We both like antiques, shopping, and dirty jokes. I was the first person he came out to at 19. I adore his partner (who I hope will be his husband if I am being honest). We are close.
Jane and I have a good relationship, but not as close as Tom and I.
She and I probably have a middle-child understanding with each other.
Andi has always been harder. They caused a lot of trouble as a teen and have continued to struggle. Also, if I am being frank, Andi has developed some pretty insufferable political opinions and loves to lecture people.
Sometimes I want to have dinner, not have Foucault crib noted to me.
Which leads to Christmas. I bought each of the kids a gift as I have done for the past decade. Tom got an antique vase I had seen him admire in a store when we were out shopping.
Jane got a Cuisinart she had asked for. I got Andi a $20 gift card to a local store I know they like. Andi looked visibly disappointed. After the kids had left, Husband got mad at me and said Andi can tell I don’t like them, and I need to stop favoring Tom.
I get mothers shouldn’t have favorites, but I am not their mother we are friends at best. And yeah, I have a favorite and sometimes it shows. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You should have never married your husband if you weren’t interested in being a parental figure to some degree.
And he’s a jerk for still marrying you when you made it clear you had no interest in the kids, who were still underage and had already lost their real mother. But what makes you the biggest jerk of them all, is you BLATANTLY playing favorites.
You can be closer to one kid and have a strong relationship with a certain child, but you can’t just make it GLARINGLY obvious to EVERYONE how you rank your stepkids.” Alarmed_Jellyfish555
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for marrying a man who had children and insisting you would never be their mom.
YTJ for playing favorites. Let’s say you had 3 friends and you were exchanging gifts, and you gave 2 of the friends thoughtful and expensive gifts and gave the 3rd a $20 gift card. That would make you a jerk. It’s not even about playing favorites with kids.
It’s a horrible way to treat people. I don’t give everyone in my life gifts of the same value. But I don’t have those people opening their gifts in front of each other so that I can make it really obvious who I don’t like as much.” Livid_Show
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s one thing if you get along with one kid better than the others, but I think you’re excluding them. Also, this: “Andi has always been harder. They caused a lot of trouble as a teen and have continued to struggle.
Also, if I am being frank, Andi has developed some pretty insufferable political opinions and loves to lecture people. Sometimes I want to have dinner, not have Foucault crib noted to me.” That really rubbed me the wrong way. Trust me, they’re gonna get enough crap from their peers over this; they don’t need it at home.
This is not something you want to discourage; Foucault was a great thinker, and what’s more, his work challenges others to think. It’s hard to get a lot of people to engage on that critical level or to care. Since Andi’s NB, I definitely get why Foucault is important to them: he was all about deconstructing social norms, including sexuality and gender (part of the reason for his focus was that he was gay himself).
Now, it’s true that some people can be insufferable about thinkers like Nietzsche, and when that happens, it’s often because they don’t understand him very well. You know what I do then? Engage.
What I would suggest to you is to read Foucault yourself and talk about your own thoughts with Andi, ask them what they think about certain points.
Seriously, while a lot of postmodern writers do not make clarity their priority, Foucault is pretty straightforward. You should probably start with History of Sexuality vol. 1. I didn’t get into academic philosophy until later, but I already cared about a lot of existential crap that my peers didn’t relate to, and it was hard.
I did go around acting like I was smarter than everyone, which didn’t help my popularity any, but part of why I did that was because of that rejection: it’s ego-defense. I was incredibly lucky to have a dad who was always interested in what I had to say and who thought I was just the smartest; that contributed so much to my sense of self-esteem and self-confidence.
Now, I know how to talk about it in a way that a lot of people find interesting.” newyne
Another User Comments:
“Going against the grain here, NTJ. Andi is an adult here not a teen. You seem to have tried to bond with them but they don’t seem to have changed or cared. How long do people expect you to be “the weird Romanian lady”?
You’re under no obligation to get them a nice gift when they have put in 0 effort into your relationship even as an adult. You followed etiquette and didn’t leave them empty-handed, that’s good enough. If they want to be the favorite they can absolutely try to cultivate a relationship with you now as an adult.
It’s not all on you and you’re very close in age.” WitsEndAdvice
An antique and a Cuisinart? Is equal to a $20, A $20, gift card?
That was a rude slap in the face and you deserve hubby's ire. You should have tried harder or had your hubby help you pick a better gift.
6. AITJ For Banning My Niece From My House?
“I (23f) am a stay-at-home parent to an 18-month-old girl. Since I have more flexible time (I make passive income) I babysit my niece “Kay” (8f) a lot for my sister “Pat” (35f).
She has 4 kids, but only Kay lives with her. She’s a single mom so when Kay needs to be picked up from school, or when Pat gets off late, etc. I get her.
I didn’t mind at first cause I love my niece, but she’s very destructive.
I keep age-appropriate toys around for her and give her control of the TV when she’s over since my daughter just likes the colors and sounds and doesn’t really care what’s on.
But almost every time Kay is over she breaks something of my daughter’s.
A toy, furniture, something that literally shouldn’t be easily broken at all… you name it. And it happens so fast. I could go pee and come back and something’s broken.
At first, I ignored it, but after a while, I started complaining to Pat she either needs to replace what gets broken or start paying me to babysit since most times it’s last minute (like 10-20 minutes before Kay needs to be picked up which has been getting on my nerves as well since I have to rush to get dressed) and it’s getting frustrating.
Pair that with Kay constantly lying and stealing (toys, money, snacks), I couldn’t take it anymore.
To be clear she can have snacks but I personally control how much sugar she has. If she wants an apple sure, if she’s on her 2nd candy bar we gotta talk.
But Kay would go into my bedroom and open something I have and try to hide or lie about it.
Pat always laughs it off and says Kay is just a kid and whatever excuse. I think it’s messed up. Kay never messes up or loses the toys she brings over.
And at her house, she’s always very careful and polite.
I gentle parent so idk if Kay thinks she can get away with whatever cause she knows I won’t yell or spank but it’s been frustrating me so much. I’ve tried talking to her or asking how she would feel if someone messed up her stuff but she puts on puppy eyes, says sorry, and is right back at it shortly after.
I’m not struggling, but I’m not rich either and I do what I can to give my daughter what she has.
After the last time (Kay broke a toy shelf my friend made for my baby) I told Pat she was no longer welcome in my house until she can behave better.
Now my family is calling me out saying I turned my back on my family but I’m just tired of it. 8 is more than old enough to know better. I’m setting boundaries and holding firm.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re going to have to be unavailable to pick your niece up.
Make sure you are out so you won’t get caught in a lie and you are too far away to get there in time to pick your child up. You could just be in a park the next town over… or the library the next town over sort of thing.
As for your niece. It sounds like it would be worth her mother getting her assessed for a neurodiversity. Some of her behavior sounds like it could be ADHD. Impulsive and all over the place. She may not actually be doing any of this deliberately, but you can’t use it as an excuse.
If she needs help, she needs help. But there’s a part of me that wonders whether this is actually related to her home life and she’s actually acting out because of what she sees at home. It kinda speaks volumes that your sister has 4 kids but only the 8 year old is with her.
Her kids can’t be that old if she is only 35.” KitchenDismal9258
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but it sounds like Kay is a jealous, unhappy kid who is acting out because she feels displaced by your child. She’s not the Bad Seed (yet). Could your sister get her into some therapy to try to help her understand this kind of behavior is not the way to make things better?
There must be established techniques, this isn’t all that unusual. Maybe that could be a win-win for both families but until your sister is willing to address it seriously, you do what you need to to protect your child, your property, and your household.” Brennan_Boru1031
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The child is not respecting you. But maybe she is also testing the boundaries. Either you would have to clearly tell her, that she has to behave or you have to tell your sister, that she must give your niece clear instructions ‘don’t break anything, behave.’ Maybe ask your sister if you are allowed to give your niece a ‘time out’ or something like that if she misbehaves.
So you can give her consequences (and then you have to pull through with those. But if you are not able to do it. Or your sister won’t allow her misbehaved child to receive any punishment. It is completely okay to stop having her over at your house.” Trevena_Ice
5. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Autistic Niece Borrow My Phone Or Tablet For A Flight?
“My grandfather passed away a few months ago, but my family had planned a date most convenient for everyone to have a memorial and spread his ashes. That date was this Saturday. Several of us live in a different state so we had to fly in.
My sister didn’t want to fly alone because she thought it would be hard to handle her daughter and their luggage. I’ll add here that my niece is autistic and can be difficult at times. One of the things she does is wander or run off.
So, she booked tickets for her and her 5-year-old daughter on the same flight as me so I could handle the luggage.
So on Friday morning, we went to the airport together. All through security and while waiting in the boarding area my sister was entertaining her daughter with her phone.
The phone ran out of power, so my sister tried charging it in one of the airport outlets. It didn’t work though. So she tried charging it using a power brick she brought. It still didn’t charge. We thought maybe it was her power cord, so we tried mine and it still didn’t work.
I tried the outlet with my own phone, and it worked fine, so we figured something was wrong with her phone. We only had a little longer till boarding so I let my niece watch cartoons on my phone.
Then they started to call people for business class (where my seat was) so I got ready to board.
My niece started to get upset. My sister asked to borrow my phone for the flight to entertain her daughter. I have private things on my phone though and letting them use it where I could not see made me uncomfortable. She then asked about borrowing my iPad.
While I don’t have much private information on my iPad I had work I needed to get done and had planned on using it to do work during the flight so I wouldn’t get behind. I told her that the plane probably has screens on the seat.
Once I get on the plane I notice that it does not have screens built in. My sister notices too when she and my niece are boarding and she stops by my seat to ask for my phone again. I say no again and the people behind her rush her to move on so they can get to their seats.
After the flight, my sister looked stressed out and was very mad at me because her daughter had several outbursts and was very hard to deal with on the flight. I didn’t notice because I had my headphones on the whole time. The relatives who picked us up noticed my sister was upset and asked what was wrong.
My sister explained the situation and put the blame on me. I explained my side of it. They said it wasn’t cool, and I should have helped my sister out, and that I probably made the flight worse for everyone.”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t care what your relatives said.
I don’t share expensive electronics with other adults, much less children. Phones can be in the $1k range. iPads are ~$500+. People seem to think family means access to everything while ignoring lots of people have adult content on their phones. I have lots of it.
It’s not difficult to access. I wouldn’t let a five-year-old near my phone. I’ve also found a lot of adults like to snoop. Does everyone on here want their family reading their posts? Arguing OP didn’t do any work on the plane because it was only 3 to 4 hours is weird because domestic flights can be longer than that and I could get a lot done in 3 to 4 hours.
OP said he got work done. I see arguing she had backups of coloring books, but apparently, the niece doesn’t care about those and it’s known that the niece isn’t that interested so that’s not a backup. I kept my old phone as a backup.
Fire tablets are pretty cheap. She could get a secondhand DS. Your sister blamed you for something going wrong. Just because you are capable of fixing something doesn’t mean you are required to ignore your own reasoning and issues to do that. NTJ.
It would also never occur to me to go back and check on them if I was working.
OP got work done so he was then more ready to be available for his family at the memorial. OP had booked the flight and then sister booked onto that, so he could help with the luggage. Which he did.” slendermanismydad
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk.
I absolutely would not give my sister or niece access to my phone or my iPad if I weren’t there to supervise. I have videos saved and things bookmarked that I would not be ok with them seeing. But it also sounds like your sister prepared as best she could, and that the flight was very difficult.
She shouldn’t have blamed you, but you can give her a little grace for that. It would be very, very kind (and also just pragmatic) for you to buy that kid a tablet of her own, next time a gift-giving occasion comes around.” JenniferJuniper6
Another User Comments:
“I honestly see this type of situation all the time, a parent or parents that fail to plan. It’s a mom who should provide a device for her child, for when she needs her to be calm and ride the subway/stay seated on a plane/wait in a restaurant for food.
If she knows this is what works and fails to provide it, it’s not on you or anyone else. Yes, mom had a cord, and yes she had a power bank but no, she did not have a device for her own daughter. If the extended family is so fetched up that you didn’t provide a device while underway to make up for the mother’s lack of planning, they should take it upon themselves to pass the hat around to all those well-meaning family members and get this child her own device.
NTJ!” AlaskaAeroGrow
Another User Comments:
“I have nieces and nephews who fall in different areas of the autism spectrum. I have also worked for several years with many individuals who have more severe autism. I have years’ worth of experience traveling with several of them.
I have seen them break several tablets, even ones designed for people who have autism. I have seen them break flat-screen TVs, the big box TVs, computers, computer monitors, other people’s phones. This is what I have seen with electronics, not to mention the walls, windows, doors, toilets, cabinets, and so on I have seen destroyed. One individual ripped the inside of my car door right off.
These things usually happened when they were upset. It is likely the niece was agitated and upset from several things that day: lots of people in the airport, the bright lights, loud noises, if she has never been on a plane the confusion of what was happening, the pressure changing in the plane, the feeling of moving, but not actually moving, etc. This would be the most dangerous time to give her a device.
If I had been there, I absolutely would not have given her my personal devices. I instead would have used several different sensory soothing things. Typically, they have something they obsess over. Did your sister bring anything that fit in that category? I also wonder if the reason the niece doesn’t have her own device is because the niece already destroyed it?
I know it can’t be because she can’t afford it because there are several programs out there that pay or help pay for a device for those with autism. Did your sister do any pre-planning preparation for your niece? Such as explaining the trip, showing her videos of what it would be like, going through some sensory calming activities, or steps in advance so she knows what to expect?
Is your niece more severe on the spectrum? The more severe, the more I most definitely would not sacrifice my own personal device.
I find it interesting that your sister wasn’t very appreciative of the help you did give her. You helped with the luggage, you tried to help her with her phone, and you allowed your phone to be used while you supervised. Those help out tremendously when traveling.
You’re NTJ.” haz3lwings
4. AITJ For Canceling Birthday Plans My Partner Made For Me Because They Sounded Lame?
“I’m turning 40 soon and feel some kind of way about it. I asked my person to plan my birthday because it feels really lame to throw myself a birthday party. This year my birthday falls on a Wednesday. Instead of having a party the weekend before or after, they put out a message telling people to swing by and say hi Wednesday evening, Open House style.
People don’t want to get home from work, leave their house again, and go say hi to someone on a Wednesday evening in the middle of winter. It very much sounds like I will just be sitting on the couch and waiting to see if anyone has time to randomly come through which just feels really sad and depressing.
So, I told my person to cancel it. They have fully skipped my birthday in the past with no celebration, gift, or even so much as going out to eat, so I was really clear that I wanted them to step up and plan something rad, but here we are.
Am I the jerk? I will accept my judgment.
Edit: I had a shared list with them that included birthday ideas like people to invite, fun activities, places to go, favorite foods, gift ideas, the whole thing. I also threw a big surprise bday party at our place for a close friend turning 30 back in December so my person had first-hand experience with what a big birthday celebration should be.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your partner is. I’m seeing a lot of comments that “you didn’t like the party planned, so you should’ve specified more”, but unless I’m missing something the ‘party’ their spouse planned was telling people to stop by and say hi.
That’s not a party and that doesn’t take planning – that’s sending out a single text message. Given their past behavior of ignoring the day entirely, I’d also say that OP communicating that they wanted a party was clearly a statement of “I want you to DO SOMETHING” for the day.
If you’ve been married to someone for years, it’s not unreasonable to expect them to get that without a diagram, especially since OP provided a list of things that they would like! If OP sat down with any more exact specifics they might as well plan the whole thing themselves.
I think you need a frank conversation about how your partner’s unwillingness to make an effort has hurt you. This was important to you, you made it clear it was, and they either didn’t listen or didn’t care. That sucks. I’m sorry.
Happy birthday, I hope you can give yourself a good one regardless.” darlingdovey
Another User Comments:
“Wow. NTJ. They forgot your birthday? They didn’t bother to plan anything or get you anything despite you giving them lists? I mean I feel like that is a pretty clear indicator of what you wanted and expected. You’re right that generally Wednesdays don’t work well for parties.
There was barely anything to cancel. I would be heartbroken and feel like my person didn’t care about me at all if they treated me like that no matter the age. I’m so sorry. I really hope they are amazing in bed or just funny as heck or just lovely because I would not stay with someone who doesn’t give a hoot about me like that.
For their birthday you should just let it pass since obviously they don’t care about celebrations of life. Plan a weekend with a couple of friends, and belated birthday or not, have a good time. Get good food, good drinks, and do something you enjoy.
At least go see a movie or something.” WerewolfHowls
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You weren’t playing gotcha. If you had wanted to give them a list of who you wanted invited and where and when and with what food you would have planned your own gosh darn party.
I’m basically married to your person. (Shocked when I cried because he did not mark my first Mother’s Day in any way and claimed he didn’t know that spouses celebrate that. Ugh.) I’m so ambivalent; there are so many things he’s a great partner on.
Unfortunately making me feel seen and appreciated in this way isn’t one of them. I’ve settled for making my own birthday plans – which at least means I’m doing what I want and feels like the adult thing to do, but also feels like me letting him do less than the bare minimum.
I wish I had an answer. But absolutely NTJ.” CoffeeWithDreams89
3. AITJ For Wearing My Husband's Clothes Instead Of Buying Myself Maternity Clothes?
“I’m 26 weeks pregnant, and my clothes have become too tight. This is my second pregnancy, and I bought a lot of maternity clothes during my first, but I donated them to a friend who is also pregnant but was going through some financial hardships as she needed them more than I did.
I was going to buy more maternity clothes when I needed them, but I’ve started wearing my husband’s clothes, and I find them a lot more comfortable, and it’s not like I’m going to work every day, so I’ve decided not to.
My husband mostly doesn’t complain about me stealing his clothes all of the time and I’ve had dinner with his family twice wearing his clothes. They’ve never said anything to me directly, but my sister-in-law told my husband to ask me to wear something more suitable the next time as her parents would be there.
I saw her texts, and they really upset me, so I’m refusing to buy maternity clothes just for their stupid dinners.
My husband offered to go buy some for me and has even tried dangling the idea of us going somewhere nice for a couple’s outing soon to try to convince me I need them, but I haven’t budged. I did text my sister-in-law to let her know I didn’t appreciate it but that only opened the door for her to try to convince me/argue with me over me needing maternity clothes.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH – Your husband is at least somewhat uncomfortable, seeing as he’s brought up you needing your own clothes and is trying to convince you to buy some new outfits. But he shouldn’t have let your sister-in-law get involved and should have handled it directly between you and him.
Sister-in-law sucks for being a weirdo and getting so overly involved. You suck for being so stubborn and refusing to buy your own clothes. They’re HIS clothes, and regardless of how comfortable they are, they are not yours. Go buy yourself some new clothes and leave his alone.” Raisinsareawful
Another User Comments:
“YTJ: Your husband ‘mostly’ doesn’t complain. Which means he complains. He’s even asked you to go buy some. Then you read his text messages and used that as an excuse to be even more petty about it. Messages that asked for you to wear something more suitable because, let’s be real, wearing your husband’s clothes probably isn’t a great look for all occasions.
No one wants their SO to look like slobs in front of their parents. How everyone is just going NTJ here is beyond me. Being pregnant isn’t a get-out-of-jail-free card for pettiness.” A-New-World-Fool
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I think you really deflected the actual issue at hand by wording this to make it seem like it’s about you borrowing your husband’s clothes – come on OP, you know that’s not it.
No one is taking issue with the fact that the clothes in question belong to your husband.
“My sister-in-law told my husband to ask me to wear something more suitable the next time as her parents would be there.” Your SIL is apparently having people over for a nice dinner, and you’re showing up in clothes that stand out as inappropriate for the venue – likely your husband’s sweats/gym clothes, since obviously men’s trousers don’t typically accommodate a pregnancy belly.
I’m sure she’d have the same reaction if you weren’t pregnant and showed up to dinner wearing undergarments, for example. “My husband offered to go buy some for me and has even tried dangling the idea of us going somewhere nice for a couple’s outing soon to try to convince me I need them.” He’s offering to take you “SOMEWHERE NICE” to give you another venue to wear the more appropriate clothing.
You can spend all the time you want, whether at home or running errands or relaxing, wearing your husband’s comfy clothes, and I’m sure no one will take issue with it. But when it comes to other venues where you interact with people like work, school, special occasions, or, in this case, invitations to other people’s homes for dinner, there is a baseline dress code that requires more than sleep/lounge/gym-wear.
On a practical note: you know there’s plenty of affordable maternity wear that can also be worn outside of pregnancy, right? I bought some dresses from Target super early just because I had so much bloat in the beginning and figured I’d grow into them – wore them before I even had a bump, and they looked just like regular cute dresses.
Why are you choosing to die on this hill?” Miscellaneousthinker
Another User Comments:
“ESH, except your husband who seems pretty mellow. You for being petty, and reading your husband’s phone messages. SIL for not speaking with you directly about her concerns. Eventually you are not going to be able to fit into your husband’s clothes any longer and will have to find something else.
You could go and buy stuff from a charity shop – men’s clothing since you prefer it. If you want to look how you look in your husband’s clothing that is your prerogative. But don’t expect others to appreciate it.” Ghitit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ with the caveat of “only if your husband doesn’t AT ALL mind you wearing his clothes.” I get it.
I’m 35 weeks with my second, and I hit the point last week of probably actually needing something different, but my tight-wad nature wars with comfort versus buying something I will only use for a month. I’m not sure this is a hill I would die on, especially since you still have a long way to go, and depending on how much bigger he is than you, even his stuff might not last you forever.” beastsandbelle
2. AITJ For Telling My Sister She Doesn't Have Her Own Family, Just One She Stole From Another Lady?
“I just purchased a condo and I’m having a party next week to celebrate. I don’t really like my younger sister, we have never gotten along since we were kids and I think that she’s nuts but she’s my sister so I try to be civil and include her in things.
She’s married to a guy with 3 young kids, and she’s taken it upon herself to act like she’s their mother even though they have a mother who’s alive and in the picture, but it’s her life so whatever. Anyhow, I invited her because it was the nice thing to do, and she asked if she could bring the kids because they don’t trust babysitters and wouldn’t be staying late, so I said sure, my brother’s sons are going to be there, and I’m going to set up the guest bedroom so that they can go to sleep, and my brother and his wife can have fun and not have to worry about driving them home.
She then asked if there was going to be drinking, and I said yes, it’s a party with a bunch of people in their late 20s and 30s. She then said (not asked, though it wouldn’t have made a difference) that I’m going to need to serve ginger ales until they head out because she doesn’t want “her” kids around intoxicated adults.
She said it with a really nasty and dismissive tone so that really made me mad, so I said, “Even if they were my nephews, the answer would be no, but if you expect me to ruin my night for the sake of children that I am not related to and barely know, then just don’t come.”
She insulted me and reminded me of all of the things that her husband has “done for me” (they lent me $1,000 at the beginning of 2020, which I paid back in full less than a month later, and he asked me for $150 interest and didn’t stop bragging about his “generosity” for a year) and told me that my bad attitude is why I’m pushing 30 and don’t have a relationship or family of my own, to which I replied to her that she doesn’t have a family of her own either she just stole another lady’s family and hung up.
Apparently, she’s been posting on social media about how awful I am and is generally having a tantrum, my parents are telling me to just apologize to shut her up but that’s something I spent all of my teenage years doing and I’m not down for that at this stage in my life.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Maybe a good time to go LC or NC with her and explain this to your parents. I used to have a lot of issues with my sister because she would constantly put me down and treat me terribly.
And my parents would always just tell me to put up with it. I finally told them that they needed to stop telling me that because they were treating the symptoms and not the disease. And that I would no longer put up with her attitude, so either she changes, or I was no longer going to keep in contact with her.
To their credit, they actually did speak to her. Things are decent now. And even if they weren’t, I would not regret telling my parents because it’s just wrong to put pressure on one child, especially when the source of tension is the other one.
Separately, your BIL charged you 180% interest?!” TA_totellornottotell
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You were not at all a jerk for refusing her demands to keep the booze stowed. It’s your house, it’s your party, you can serve what you like and she can choose not to come.
Her comments were extremely out of line and her husband is a jerk for lording that loan over you like he did. That said, I can’t let the comments about her stepchildren slide. They -are- her kids. That’s how blended families work. Whether she birthed them or not, whether their bio mom is in the picture or not, she’s in the role of “mom” for them when they’re with her, period.
You don’t need to have a relationship with them, but stop telling her they aren’t her children. They are. You should apologize for insulting her family structure, but not for anything else. She should apologize for everything she said. To be clear, she’s the much bigger jerk here.” BlaineTog
Another User Comments:
“My parents like to say my sister was born with my nuclear launch codes in her hand ’cause no one knows how to get a rise out of me quite like she does so I get where you’re coming from. I think in general you are of course in the right, but I’m gonna go against the grain here and say YTJ for dragging the kids into it for cheap shots.
What you were saying might have been true but feels like that was perhaps too much. From your other comments, it sounds like you like the kids and there’s enough obnoxious nonsense your sister’s done that could be mentioned without taking the argument there. Not saying an apology is needed but a possible mending for the sake of the parents can be as simple and passive-aggressive as: “I shouldn’t have dragged the kids into it.
That being said, you do not need to come if you think your family can’t handle their drink intake.” Now as for the other issues one of my favorite tactics when my sister tries to make me mad is to act confused, shocked, or amused at the ridiculousness of what she throws at me, “What are you talking about?
What has your husband done for me? The loan?! Wasn’t that like 3 years ago? Oh wow, you’re still on that?” “Haha, I mean I did appreciate it, but 180% interest after a month is pretty insane.” “Meh, I’ll find someone eventually. It’s important not to settle.”” lovellycactus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but if you ever spend any time around the kids (not sure if you do or not) I’d at least try to hide the fact that you don’t consider them your nephews. Plenty of people have step-relations, and plenty of people do consider them family, so if you have friends or know people with step-kids, or step-parents, maybe don’t be so quick to share your opinion that they’re not really family.
It could be pretty hurtful even when you’re not intending it that way, and you might risk offending someone you actually like.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna go with ESH – her obviously because she has no right to dictate what you do in your own home at your own party.
She could have just politely thanked you and said they couldn’t make it, instead of demanding you cater to her whims. Without further context about your issues with her, I do find your comments about her as a stepparent and about not seeing her stepchildren as your family to be pretty callous.” Tathoeme
1. AITJ For Allowing My Children To Bully My Partner's Child?
“My fiancee and her son recently moved in with me. My kids are here every other week, and I told them their routine wouldn’t change. The room I gave to my soon-to-be stepson used to be the guest room, and nothing about my kids’ rooms changed at all.
My kids have been adjusting pretty well to new people, and I was happy with how things have been going.
Well, my fiancee said my kids have been bullying her son by talking about him in Urdu. I asked how she could possibly know if they are talking about him, and she said they were talking in front of him in a language he can’t understand, so they must be talking about him.
I think that’s a stretch. She said, regardless, it hurts his feelings and needs to be stopped. I said no, I can’t tell them what language to speak.
She said to tell them not to speak it when he is around, but he lives here now, so he is always around.
It isn’t a reasonable request and will just create animosity between the children. He needs to just get used to occasionally hearing a language he doesn’t know. I got used to it. She said that was my choice, but not really. You can’t expect everyone to always speak your language.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, exposure to different cultures and languages is an immaterial wealth that you can transmit to your children. However, as a parent, you ought to at least investigate and not just summarily dismiss your fiancee’s concerns. Just reading your description, she may feel that you are coming short, not hearing her, and washing your hands with her concerns.
And the long term that might create friction, and she may lose trust in your ability to be fair about “the children.” In your shoes, I would backpedal, tell her that you thought about it, and that although (and I support you on that) you will not ask them not to speak their language; you will talk to your kid and figure out what’s going on.
It might also be a good idea in general for you to check in on your kid and see if everything is OK on their end. Adjusting OK, any issue with the other kid, etc… Also, I am not sure what the age gap is between all the kids, but if they are smart and realize that none of the adults speak Urdu, as a kid, I’d see if the other can teach me, so we can have a secret language at home!
Haha.” Thejmax
Another User Comments:
“He’s going to eventually record them and run it through a translator and find out what they are saying. Are they talking crap about him in Urdu? Are they purposely switching languages specifically to exclude him even when he is there?
Are they changing languages mid-conversation? Come on. YTJ, it sounds like you’ve got two kids who speak a language that nobody else in the house does who are relying on that to support each other, one more who can sometimes talk to them who is stressing out about what is going on, and you don’t care what they are saying?
You’re neglecting kinda everything.” Polite_Trepanation
Another User Comments:
“Ehhh. This is maybe a soft ESH or a nobody’s the jerk. Your fiancée is being a bit dramatic calling this bullying assuming that they’re not actually talking about your son in front of him.
And you’re right, he can get used to hearing other languages spoken that he doesn’t know – nor does she get to control whether they speak Urdu in the house or not. But if they -only- speak Urdu to each other in front of your stepson, and he’s always on the outs unable to participate, that’s not fun either.
It creates an “us and them” dynamic that I assume you don’t want in your house. So you don’t need to tell them “stop speaking Urdu” entirely, but if it’s the only language they speak around him could you have a conversation with them about that?” Huge_Researcher7679
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Good God, the xenophobia in the responses is staggering but not surprising. Your kids have gone through a big change with your fiancée and her kid entering their home. Even if they’re handling it well, as you say, it’s still a big change for them, and they are still adjusting, and they’re probably expressing their feelings and thoughts to each other.
This doesn’t necessarily necessarily mean they have negative feelings, but feelings nonetheless as they learn how to interact with two new people they did not have any choice in. Your fiancée and your kids are not entitled to know every thought that runs through their head, just as, I’m sure, she is speaking to her kid about how he is processing this change.
Your kids should be allowed to have their own space, physical and mental, and that means they might want to talk to each other about things they’re feeling without having to constantly explain what they’re saying to anyone else. They’re allowed to process their own feelings at their own pace.
Not to mention their home is somewhere they should feel safe speaking whatever language they’re comfortable and, given that you don’t speak it either, they’re at real risk of losing it without practice. It’s really common for siblings to have something that’s just for them, whether inside jokes or their private text chain, etc. And eventually, this will include your new stepson, but it’s not going to happen overnight.
Your fiancée needs to recognize that there is an existing relationship between your kids and part of that relationship is built on their shared heritage and a shared language. They can absolutely share that with her son, but it’s likely never going to be the same because it’s not his heritage, and that’s ok.
That’s the beauty of a biracial family, you get to experience new things that you wouldn’t experience in a single-culture family. But she needs to respect that. I would reframe the issue here as building a stronger relationship between your kids (over time) and your fiancée‘s kid, then they will -want- to include him, by speaking to him as they already do in English, but going out of their way to include him in inside jokes, private group chats, and new memories and transitions, but that doesn’t mean they can’t have their own space, and it doesn’t mean their existing traditions need to be erased or replaced. They can be added to, family therapy might be needed if this gradual approach doesn’t work, and hopefully, they will be more conscious of opening their hearts to both the fiancée and her kid, and vice versa.” dwthesavage
Another User Comments:
“ESH – firstly, don’t naturally assume your kids aren’t bullying your stepson, especially when you don’t know the language, that’s begging to get yourself into trouble when someone who knows Urdu hears them and they are bullying someone. As for language differences that a lot of people are bringing up, why can’t they speak their own language?
All I see is that OP has to force his kids to compromise for the sake of someone who (and yes I get the whole joining a new family is daunting but that works both ways) isn’t giving anything up in return. Everyone is unique and different, forcing OP’s kids to change their ways they’ve known about since forever is forcing them to be part of the flock, destroying who they are for the benefit of others.” ReallyBoredWriter
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