People Tell Their Inconclusive "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

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Determining if a person is a jerk or not is subjective. If you can relate to his or her situation, you might find the person's rudeness as justifiable, but if you have experienced being the recipient of a jerk's action, you won't have to think twice before declaring that the person is a solid jerk. Here are some stories from people who want to know if they are the jerk. Read on and let us know who you think the jerk is. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

15. AITJ For Letting My Daughter Wear A Tiara To My Cousin's Wedding?

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“My (32f) daughter Chloe (4f) has a fascination with princesses. She loves the color pink, wears only dresses, and has an array of tiaras she wears everywhere except at pre-school where she can’t (but she does have it in her backpack).

My cousin (33m) ‘Alex’ (fake names) invited us to his wedding, which was this past Saturday. Chloe was excited because she got to dress up and stay dressed up the entire time.

She also couldn’t wait to see the bride’s dress. She asked if she could wear her princess tiara and I said of course.

We got to the wedding on time. However, the start time was delayed for unknown reasons.

15 minutes after it was supposed to start, one of the bridesmaids came out and told me that the bride Jen (31f) was refusing to come out because my daughter was wearing a tiara.

I thought she was joking but she wasn’t. Apparently, the bride was also wearing a tiara and wanted to be the only one wearing it.

I told the bridesmaid that Chloe loves tiaras and always wears them.

The bridesmaid said ‘not today she isn’t’ and told me it needed to be removed. I said no. The bride is a grown woman and was being petty over a child’s tiara.

The bridesmaid left for a couple of minutes and then Alex himself came out. He told me to leave. I asked why and he said because I won’t tell Chloe to take off her tiara.

I said this was ridiculous and Alex said it’s not my wedding and when I get married then Chloe can wear one to mine, but that I’m officially uninvited regardless. Others around me told me to just take it off and I wouldn’t.

Alex’s mom came over and escorted us out.

Chloe was upset and crying because she feels she did something wrong and I’m upset because I can’t believe someone would be jealous over a literal 4-year-old.

I also feel bad because Chloe was really looking forward to seeing Jen’s dress because she loves wedding dresses. But literally, no one is on my side. AITJ?

Edit: someone asked if my cousin has a mental illness.

I said no but the bride has Asperger’s and they said that’s important for you all to know.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Look it is wonderful that you want your daughter to look and feel special.

But while the Bride is an adult she also has Asperger’s which affects her everyday life and she probably has to adjust to the people around her most of the time.

Her wedding was the one day where she should have gotten to focus on herself and her husband and get to be as special as she’d like.

Weddings for anyone who is neurodivergent can be incredibly stressful to plan and can easily be derailed by one thing.

The wedding day itself should be the one day you can forget the stresses of all the planning as the work is done. (I speak as someone who is neurodivergent and planned my own wedding and as a wedding planner who has helped plan hundreds of weddings.) This could have been a great lesson for your daughter about compassion and the willingness to compromise but you decided to create a scene instead.

Please apologize and mend this fence. It is not a hill to die on. Your little girl won’t remember this in the long run but your cousin and his wife will.” Spiraleyev

Another User Comments:

“People who are saying this was a lesson for the 4yo – a lesson in what, exactly? What is the developmentally appropriate lesson an average 4yo will learn from this? Yall need childhood development education and to stop running your mouths like whatever borderline abusive thing your parent would have done is the answer.

More importantly, the fact that the bride’s neurodivergence was brought up is jacked. That’s irrelevant and frankly insulting to bring up. Being jealous over what a 4yo is wearing and wanting to be the only person in a tiara is a condition that already has a diagnosis – bridezilla.

I have to go with NTJ but I do feel OP could have handled it better. It’s a lot easier to just leave and let these people look like jerks than to cause a scene.

Sometimes if people are unreasonable and hold more power than you, it’s time to go.” jillyfish5

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. I don’t feel like I need to go into why the bride was the jerk because that seems obvious.

The bride was being ridiculous but so were you. The middle of someone else’s wedding ceremony is not the place to stand your ground over something as trivial as a child’s princess tiara.

Chloe could have taken off the tiara for the ceremony and put it on again later. You could have explained to her that the bride gets to be the princess because it’s her wedding and she can be a princess at other times, she would have understood that.

She would have been able to see the bride in her dress and have a good time regardless of the fact that she couldn’t wear her tiara.

Instead, now she feels sad and embarrassed and like she did something wrong because you don’t know when to pick your battles.” RebelScientist

10 points (10 votes)
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Realitycheck 11 months ago
This is layered like an onion.

You had me with the jealous of a 4 year old until the Aspergers was put on the table. Not knowing the level of the issues, it is hard to say how to judge this.

At this point, I think it could've been a teachable moment for Chloe that you made a mistake in it being ok to wear her tiara and she needs to take it off for a little while. I have to wonder why you were so insistent that Chloe get to keep it on. You said she understands that she can't wear it in preschool. This could have been a good time for her to take it off briefly and even just hold it in her lap. Otherwise, it kind of sounds like you just don't want to tell your daughter no.
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14. AITJ For Not Wanting To Leave With A Sick Kid?

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“My wife, kids (1 and 2 years old) and I are currently in the last phase of finishing construction on our new home. It is quite a strain on our time and nerves, so last year we had not much time for any holidays.

After Christmas, we decided we would use the downtime to drive to my parent’s weekend home, which is a 4-hour drive. We asked my parents if it would be OK to stay at the house until after NYE, and they said it would be no problem.

On the 31st, my wife suggested staying there for another week while I drive home to take care of the house. My parents and my brother with his family would be coming and staying for that week as well.

We called my parents twice to check if this was OK, and both times they said they would be happy to have us. I spoke to my brother, and he only said that if we don’t mind a friend of his wife’s staying a bit at the house, which we did not, all was well.

So NYE passed and my Family arrived at the house. My brother and SIL went to visit that friend of hers in a nearby town, and I get a text from my brother:

‘Hey, just wanted to ask: Are you still planning to stay? We need to know since that friend would not want to come if there are more people than she had anticipated.’

During that time, my youngest kid got a fever of 39.5C/103F and got very weak.

After my brother and his family came back from that friend, they talked to me alone:

‘We had all planned, and the friends spent funds on the hotel just so that they can be close to this place when we arrive.

We would really appreciate it if you could leave this place to us for this week’.

I told them that my kid is sick, but they pushed more and even said I should speak to my wife about this and convince her.

That night was really stressful as we did not get much sleep. When we managed to get the little one to sleep, I told my wife what happened, and she said she would try to talk to them.

The next morning, she was still sick. I came into the living room at one point to find my brother and SIL confronting my wife. ‘Either you pack your bags or I’ll throw them out onto the streets.

This is a very important friend of mine, I won’t let her waste funds and time because of you. This was planned for a long time.’

We tried to explain that we can not go anywhere since our kid is sick, and we do not want to risk a lengthy trip in a car! She just said that this is actually better for the baby since she should be home (the house was NOT remote).

When we confronted my parents and asked if this was OK with them, my mom said: ‘Think of how I am feeling right now!’ No help there. We needed to leave.

NOW. My brother was first to ask, so he gets the house. We started packing and during that, no one even tried to stop us or talk to us.

We managed to get home safe.

Had to visit the hospital, but my kid thankfully recovered. Am I the jerk here for wanting to stay until at least the fever broke? Should we have left earlier?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Why was your brother so adamant about NOT having your family around with his special friend? Did the house not have enough space? Feels like there’s more to that story.

I think he was the jerk for demanding you travel with your kid being so sick.

I’ve been in that situation – it sucks being at HOME with a sick child. Add in being forced onto the road, and yeah, I’d be upset too.

I think your mom didn’t want to take any side in this spat and so didn’t support you.

She should’ve supported you, so minor jerk.” Pac_Eddy

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. They already had made arrangements with mom to have space. You decided you were entitled to stay last minute with a ‘screw you, I want what I want, and I want it now’ attitude.

Then you preceded to use sick kids as a guilt card. It’s probably best for your kid to be in their own home and bed when not feeling well. Also, kids are probably irritable.

You owe your mother and brother an apology.” Comprehensive-Hand60

Another User Comments:

“NTJ … I am floored! Just floored that your own brother put a friend of his wife’s before the health and wellness of his own niece or nephew and your parents SUPPORTED THAT! This is just insane.

Put your own grandchild at risk because one of your sons wants to renege in an agreement so his wife’s friend can get special time with her man. What your family did was inexcusable and sick.

I think you need to put these relationships on ice a bit to let them feel the full force of what they did. Your mom saying ‘think about how I feel?’ How in any way inconvenienced? Remind her that her dramatic catering to your brother put her grandchild at risk and you cannot tolerate that kind of behavior and you’ll be taking a break for a bit. And then do so. Let them apologize to you. And nothing less than that. Good luck.” Alienne8r

5 points (7 votes)
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Realitycheck 11 months ago
I am amazed that brother cares that little about his niece, especially if he was fine with you being there then did the complete turn around. He put his wife's friend before niece's health. What a shame.
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13. AITJ For Planning To Move Out And Leave My Toxic Grandparents Behind?

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“I (23M) have been working since I was 18. I had to cancel my studies because of the huge debts my family got themselves into. They never knew how to control funds, always spend it for some unimportant stuff as soon as they get it.

Ever since then I am the one who pays around 90% of the bills, food… basically everything. Never had a problem with this, I always gladly provided for my family. I lost my dad when I was 7 & not even a year ago I buried my mother.

Managed to go through all of this & I picked myself up. So now I’m left with my 75-year-old grandparents from my mother’s side.

I truly love them, but they are way too toxic.

Literally every single day I wake up to them yelling at each other, throwing things, etc. And they do this 24/7. On a better day, I can get around 2.5-3 hours of sleep between two 12 hour long shifts (16 hours long if I count in the time it takes to travel every day) because of this.

Sometimes I can’t even sleep for a minute between two shifts, because I’d rather enjoy the calm night hours. Every time I tried to talk to them and calm them down, my grandparents just started to play the victim.

Usually, when I am trying to resolve these arguments, my grandma doesn’t have any competent answer, and – out of nowhere – immediately starts to threaten me by saying that she is going to lay down on the train tracks because she thinks that I’m not standing on her side.

Meanwhile, my grandpa proudly shows around that he’s flirting with some 20-year-old chick on his phone and couldn’t care less about his family. I said my sorries and broke contact with multiple women on purpose because I wouldn’t want to get them into this misery.

I got to the point where I just want to move out to an apartment so I can finally have a private life and most importantly calmness. My mental health is on its all-time low, but it seems like they don’t even give a damn about it.

I did bring this up a few weeks ago, said that I’m planning on moving out after the next summer for said things, preferably somewhere near my workplace so I don’t need to travel 4 hours a day.

After that, I would still help them out on anything as best as I can. Their answer was the usual, the moment I move out of this house is going to be the moment they join my mother in the graveyard.

Financially of course I can’t keep up two households, so they’ll be left with nothing but debts. Even though they have two sons,  a 44 and a 39-year-old, they would be without financial support, cause both of the sons have left them behind, rarely checking up on them.

The bank would take their house. They don’t even want to hear about nursing homes. On top of that, there’s a good chance that my grandma is going to stand by her words and join my mother.

All because of me moving out.”

Another User Comments:

“You would not be the jerk if you move out. It’s time to have your own life. You should be very proud of yourself for all you’ve accomplished so far.

So kind to take care of your difficult grandparents for so long, but it’s time to focus on you now.

PLEASE don’t let them guilt trip you into staying. I had a mother like that so I know how it goes.

No matter what they threaten or try to guilt you about what they’ll lose, don’t give in and stick with your plan to move. You cannot be held responsible for 2 grown, elderly adults who should know how to live by themselves.

If they can’t function or if they’re gonna lose anything, it’s on them, not you, OP. You’ve done all you can.

Good luck, OP. I wish you much success, peace, and happiness after you move out.” OffMyRocker2016

Another User Comments:

“NTJ!! I had a similar situation with my MIL always having strange people around.

Toxic. Unsafe. Very irresponsible with her income. She made it seem like she was nothing without my husband and me. After a very traumatic experience, I decided to move away. We moved back to my hometown.

His mom is fine without us. She found a way to pay her own bills.

You are doing what is best for your mental health. You are not responsible for taking care of an entire family that is grown and should be taking care of themselves. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise!!!” CGIFRIDAYZ

5 points (5 votes)
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Okiedokie61 10 months ago
Ntj. Please leave behind this emotional and mental abuse. You deserve better.
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12. AITJ For Accommodating Both My Daughters' Needs On One Of My Daughters' Birthday?

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“I(43F) have two daughters Rose(16F) and Lily(14F). Lily is a picky eater and has a wind-up personality. She also suffers from vasovagal syncope and thus, I’m constantly worried about her. Dad’s not in the picture.

Recently, it’d been Rose’s sweet sixteen birthday. When I asked her multiple times what gift she wanted, she told me she didn’t want anything and vehemently denied any of my advances regarding the gift.

She and Lily don’t exactly get along and Rose is comparatively less extroverted.

Since Rose didn’t tell me anything about her wishes, I planned a small party for her and decided to order food for the two of them.

Lily is a picky eater, so I went along with what her choices were too as well. Lily doesn’t like chocolate or red velvet, but Rose loves the two. So I ordered a vanilla cake and some Italian because Lily doesn’t fuss over the spices the Chinese cuisine has (Rose likes Chinese).

I did so because I didn’t want Lily to stress herself out on the choices or feel left out/be fussy about the food.

The party went smoothly or so I thought. The next day, Rose tells me she ‘expected’ the ‘partiality’ that I showed.

She tells me that she’s disappointed that I don’t ‘care’ about her because the present I got her (a dress with matching accessories) wasn’t something she was very fond of but rather got Lily what she liked (a nail art kit).

She hated the fact that Lily got a present and had been accommodated into the party and seemed pretty jealous to me. I tell her that we must care about family and not alienate others no matter how special the day might be to us.

She tells me that the day she turns 18 will be the day she will alienate us and then I can ‘enjoy my life peacefully’ with Lily. All I wanted to do was to make sure that Lily didn’t feel left out and make Rose learn how to share things with family.

I don’t think what I did was wrong.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, they don’t share a birthday, there is no need to accommodate Lily at 14 years old at her sister’s birthday party.

Even if they did share a birthday like me and my brother do, you don’t make the party accommodate one sibling only. No wonder Rose is going to be cutting you off, no wonder she didn’t want to ask for anything, you have drilled it into her head every day that she is second best to her sister even on her birthday.

Lily’s needs aren’t to do with something that impairs her judgment, it impairs her ability to stay conscious, the accommodations should be making sure she knows her triggers and making sure to reduce any injuries when she gets triggered if when in an unsafe position.

You need to apologize to Rose sincerely for your behavior to her, she is ‘comparatively less extroverted’ compared to Lily because if she dared to upset your precious little angel, she’d get into trouble for it, I can almost guarantee it.

Why didn’t you get a cake that Rose liked and get a cupcake that Lily liked, that way they were both accommodated for the cakes. For the rest of the food, you could have gotten standard party food that you know both of them will like so there is a choice that doesn’t seem so directed towards accommodating Lily, but rather giving all the guests another choice if they don’t fancy Chinese.

As for the presents, do you really pay that little attention to your firstborn, the first baby you held and nurtured, that you really couldn’t think of anything she might like or might be useful to her? That’s so sad, if you really couldn’t think of anything, give Rose something to spend on what she wants or needs.

Lily isn’t a young child or has a mental illness that makes it harder for her to understand that it’s Rose’s birthday, she doesn’t need a present to not feel left out, but you have gone and made that a habit so now without proper discipline and maybe even professional help on how to go about it, she will feel left out if you don’t.

Because of your coddling and favoritism, Rose will always remember her sweet sixteen as another day she got shoved aside for her clearly golden sibling. Featuring: a cake that she doesn’t like, food that was clearly catered towards her sister, a thoughtless present that shows her mother’s inability to pay any attention to her long enough to think of her properly when gift-giving, her sister getting a gift that clearly showed how much her mother pays attention to her sister and not her and finishing the round-up with…

her mother refusing to see how she has hurt her own firstborn and cementing the plan of cutting you and Lily off entirely once she turns 18.

I hope your daughter cuts you out, not even my mum shoved me aside like you did to Rose and my brother has a mental disability that could cause those issues.

My mum may have been swamped with my brother’s disability and working around it, but at least she remembered some of my likes enough to get me decent presents and made sure we got to spend some time together.

You are doing what you have done because you want to and simply don’t want to try to see that you have 2 daughters, not 1.” ShootingStar832

Another User Comments:

“My grandmother gave my brother gifts on my birthday every year until she died.

Better stuff than what I got. On my 20th b-day, he got a card with a $100 bill. I got $10. By that time, he was 25 and aware she was awful for doing that and gave me the $100.

She lived in another state. My parents took us to visit every summer when we were growing up and usually insisted I go as a college student, too. After college, my dad told me he knew she was terrible to me and I never had to see her again if I didn’t want to.

I never went back until her funeral. Only went then for my father’s sake and to see my cousins.

YTJ. You are making your daughter hate you by very much playing favorites.

She won’t forget it and very well may follow through at 18. The difference is that she will have no reason to show up for your funeral.

And ask yourself this: how would you feel if your birthday celebration revolves around someone else? Because that’s what you’re doing to your daughter.

Sharing is good. But sharing your life events to the point that you are completely left out of them is unfair. Plus, you’re likely turning Lily into a spoiled brat who thinks the world should revolve around what she wants.” Lulu_531

Another User Comments:

“I’m answering as someone who also has seizures from stress, YTJ.

You gave Lily a sweet sixteen, you got all of Lily’s favorites, you gave a present to Lily, etc. This wasn’t Rose’s sweet sixteen, it was Lily’s. Lily is fourteen, not two! You’re treating her like she’s gonna die if things don’t go her way, and honestly, she’s probably uncomfortable about it! I’ve had people try so hard to keep me calm and happy because they didn’t want me to have a seizure, and I HATED them! She’s not made of glass, her feelings aren’t gonna be ‘hurt’ that her sister gets a sweet sixteen, you’re pushing BOTH of your daughters away by so heavily protecting Lily.

Rose is being forgotten and Lily is being smothered! What you SHOULD have done, is get a cupcake for everyone (whatever their favorite is) and just give Rose her present. Lily doesn’t need a present for her sister’s birthday! Go out to eat at a restaurant Rose picks, and help Lily order something she’ll like.

Most Chinese restaurants have chicken tenders for kids, Lily isn’t gonna starve! Apologize to BOTH for freaking out about Lily. And offer a small do-over birthday, maybe send both of them to see a movie they compromise on as an apology. Rose chooses and Lily gets veto power. It’s what my family does, and it works. Calm down about Lily, she has fainting spells, not cancer.” KandyShopp

3 points (3 votes)
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Pabs7 11 months ago
YTJ. You celebrated the wrong kid on the birthday date. And Rose will go at 18 and not come back. Why would she? If she comes back, you’re going to be so worried about how it will affect Lily that you won’t notice she’s even there.
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11. AITJ For Refusing To Act Like Her Father?

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“I (M37) had a relationship with a woman who has a child, a daughter, A(15F). We were together for 6 years (A was 3-9). Her dad wasn’t in the picture and so she became attached to me.

I loved her, but I can’t say I loved her like a father loves his child. She insisted on calling me dad, but I didn’t agree. I’m not her father and we weren’t even living together.

One of the reasons me and her mom broke up was because she was adamant I adopt A and start treating her like my daughter. I told her that while I loved A and will try to do my best for her, I’m not her father.

After we broke up I met my wife D(28F). We got married and have 2 kids. A’s mom acted like we were parenting A together, insisting on me having her on weekends and spending time with her.

At first, I tried to be present, because I did spend 6 years with them, but they both started to treat my wife with disrespect. So I told them I won’t be a part of their lives anymore.

I thought that was that. Before Christmas A found my social media profile and started leaving me messages insulting my wife and my kids, saying how I dumped her for these kids and what wretched person I’m.

I called her mother and informed her of everything and she, very calmly, asked me ‘what did you expect? You abandoned her and now she is hurt to see your pictures with your spawns’.

I was amazed that this woman didn’t see any problem with her daughter’s behavior.

I deleted my profile and blocked their numbers. I was telling my cousin this (she was friends with A’s mom) and she told me I’m a jerk for treating that child like this, that she should be like my daughter to me.

So, AITJ for not acting like A’s father? I did try to stay in touch but they treated my wife very badly and I couldn’t allow that.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

While you were in their lives for a considerable time, you maintained throughout the entire relationship that you didn’t want to be looked at as a father figure, you disagreed with being called dad and that’s your decision.

You two broke up because you didn’t want to be this child’s father figure, so why would she expect that, after breaking up FOR that reason, you’d then act as a father figure after? Yes, it absolutely sucks that this child is fatherless, and it’s understandable for her that she’s mad at you, but that’s still not your responsibility, and her mom is a jerk for trying to force parenthood on you.

It’s also been 6 YEARS since you broke up, you’ve moved on, got married, and started your own family, you haven’t abandoned anybody, she’s still the child of your ex, she’s not family and you have no legal responsibility to your ex or her daughter, and she needs to let this go.

It’s been 6 years, nobody can expect you to never be a bio parent because you weren’t a parent to a child that wasn’t yours. If she carries on harassing you and your family, you should get authorities involved, it’s been 6 years, she could have moved on herself by now, and she could have found somebody that wants to parent her child by now.” idkwhyimdoingthis2

Another User Comments:

“Little bit ‘everyone sucks here’ over NTJ for me.

Your ex is a major jerk. She has set her daughter up for pain and heartbreak and now as a teenager, her daughter is experiencing a massive parental rejection like never before.

Soft jerk for you, because you chose to get serious with a mother without being ready to be serious for her child. If you didn’t want to be A’s father, you should have broken up with her mom as soon as she started getting attached.

Her mom built this scenario but you enabled it. It sounds like you just didn’t know what to do and hoped to care about her would be enough though, so it’s only soft jerk as opposed to definite jerk.” DazzlingAssistant342

Another User Comments:

“Sadly everyone sucks here.

You because you went along with the mother and had the child on weekends while you were with your wife. This made the child believe she was a part of your family.

Then you dumped her when it got tough.

I get that you didn’t want to parent her. I get that the mother played games that messed that kid up big time.

But you inadvertently did too.

You let her believe you would stay in her life. She WAS A LITTLE KID. Kids do toxic things and it was 99% probably the fault of the child’s mother. But you allowed weekend access.

You can’t turn it on or off for a kid depending on how you feel. It doesn’t work like that with kids.

So the poor kid would 100% feel like you dumped her for your ‘new’ family.

You’re the only dad she knew. She saw you on weekends for years. And sadly she exhibited her mum’s toxic behavior and you left her. And her behavior was probably subconsciously pushing for you to dump her because she already felt abandoned.

So yeah YTJ for that bit. Your attempt at continuing to help out made it a whole lot worse.

My advice to you if you cared about this kid at all is to have an adult conversation.

Tell her you were never her dad, just her friend and that you love her, just not the same as your own kid. Ask if there is anything you can do to fix it.

Let her get it out. Her mum has done a real number on her! And yes it’s not your responsibility to fix it at all. But you may want to see as you’re on here.

The Mum is a massive jerk and has done a number on that kid’s self-worth and self-esteem. She used that kid to play games and really only damaged the kid. My heart breaks for that young girl.” OpinionatedAussieGal

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

You are not obligated to prioritize a teenage girl who isn’t your kid. You have moved on from the relationship, got married, and had your own kids. I’m in a similar situation but with a teenage boy who is the son of a woman I went out with years ago and stayed friends with.

He is 20 now and has become really good friends with my kids and my wife understands I feel a bond with the boy because I was there for him when his dad was missing.

If he or his mother ever tried to exaggerate their place in my life or disrespected my family, that boy would not be in my life anymore. No second chances.

You are right about putting your family first.

The mom of the teenage girl needs to get a grip, and the girl herself needs therapy to do with the choices her mother has made her problem. I’ve met a lot of people in my life who seek something in their romantic relationships that they didn’t get from their parents.

And have raised their kids very selfishly.” YeetMyHumanMeat

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. Ultimately a step-parent is a parent. If you did not want to take on a parental role, you had no business committing to a long-term relationship that involved a child, especially when you knew that was the expectation.

Her mom had no business staying in a relationship with you and getting her hopes up that you would take on a paternal role in her life knowing that you were unwilling to do so.

A was too young to understand what was going on, and you both staying in this relationship and letting her get attached to you knowing that you didn’t want to be there for her in that way likely did a lot of damage.

And you continuing to sort of string her along and be half in and half out on her after the breakup only made it worse.

You should have known better and made a better choice.

Her mom should have known better and made a better choice. The two of you have yourselves to blame for the anger and pain your poor choices caused her and the hurt that ended up causing your wife. For someone who didn’t want to be a parent to her, you sure did do a good job of helping to screw her up.” SpectacularTurtle

2 points (4 votes)
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rbleah 11 months ago
Did anybody catch that the girl DID NOT live with them? NTJ
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10. AITJ For Wanting To Close A Life Insurance Policy?

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“When I was a kid, my grandparents opened a life insurance policy for me and all their grandkids. It’s a lifelong one, permanent as long as maintained. They maintained them all for us (I didn’t even know about it).

When my grandmother passed away, my aunt let us know that it was going to be all our responsibilities to maintain our own annually. At the time, I didn’t think about it and agreed.

Fast forward a few months, I got a very secure job that gave me unbelievably great benefits, including life insurance. I thought nothing of the one my grandparents had made other than if I had kids, a spouse, or even my niece and nephews and their kids, they’d be set.

But during the health crisis, things happened and money got tight. I ended up having to get a few loans to make ends meet for rent, utilities, etc.

My job provides financial advisors and I had a meeting to discuss a budget and one thing discussed was closing the life insurance and using the funds to pay down debts and bills.

I didn’t say anything for a few months, giving it thought and caution. But now I think it might be the right way to go.

I mentioned it to my parents since they’re my beneficiaries at the moment, and my dad said if I closed that account it would be ‘the most ungrateful thing you have ever done in your life.’ I was upset and feel like he was not being logical about what his parents (my grandparents) really would think.

But maybe he’s right. With the world in such a state, would it be better to have more life insurance and have whoever I leave behind get stuck with my debt to pay off? Or maybe I should pay them down now so my heirs don’t have to? I’m conflicted and hurt.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“I’ve never heard of taking a life insurance policy out for your grandkids! It’s a bit of a cool idea though, especially if you have too many grandkids to set up a trust for.

This situation is a bit weird because the money isn’t actually meant for you. If you had a trust set up for you, that money would be meant for you to use, and at that point, I’d say use it how you wish.

However, in this case, that money is really meant for your children, if you ever have any. That’s how your grandparents intended it – this is really a gift for their theoretical great-grandkids than it is for you.

I’m not sure whether gratitude is even really an issue here – how can you be grateful for something you’ll never see when you don’t have children to pass it on to? And would your parents really be grateful they got something if they lost their child (you) now? Is everyone just assuming you’d keep this around and start popping out kiddos? Do you want kiddos?

This also requires active deposits every month, if it works like an employer life insurance plan.

That’s a lot over a lifetime; it would be interesting to see how much you will have paid by the time you’re 70, compared to the payout. If you put $100 in a savings account with 2.4% interest and put $50 a month in for 65 years, you’d have savings account with $80k in it.

Is this life insurance policy actually a boon if you survive into old age? It’s a weird financial situation.

I honestly think in this case, you should do what feels right to you by your grandparents.

We don’t know them and so can’t really judge. Looking at just the objective situation though, I would not say you’re the jerk for closing the policy; it seems like a financially smart thing to do unless the policy your grandparents got will pay out some ridiculous amount.

I’m going with ‘no jerks here.'” VioletReaver

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but you also might want to consider just pulling out a portion of the policy or even taking out a loan against it.

If you have access to financial advisors, you should ask about doing one of those. Typically, you can pull out an amount based on how much has been invested up to that point, which might be enough for your needs.

Or if you go the loan route, you sometimes don’t need to pay the loan back if you end up not wanting the policy anymore while still giving you an option to potentially keep it.

It all depends on the exact rights surrounding your specific policy though, so don’t take this as financial advice, I’m not a financial advisor.” kolorahl

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here, your life insurance at your work is probably not the same kind of policy as what your grandparents purchased.

I would definitely think twice about closing it, especially if your family and kids rely on your income to cover expenses. I personally think that if you have the financial means to get life insurance that covers the cost of your family’s living expenses for a full year that is ideal… grieving and going to work is difficult, I doubt you’d want to put your spouse in that position if you passed unexpectedly.” commenter23450

Another User Comments:

“A policy purchased when you were a child is very inexpensive because prices are based on age and health history.

Those policies are designed to cover funeral costs, so they never expire and the prices don’t increase. In most cases, your policy will be ‘paid-up’ eventually meaning that you will no longer owe anything but the benefits will remain intact.

Employer-provided life insurance is largely an empty benefit. These policies renew annually and there is no guarantee that they will offer that coverage next year. The biggest issue is that those policies are for employees.

So, when you leave the job the policy ends. Think about that. You leave the workforce with a serious or even terminal illness and your policy ends because you are sick enough to actually need it.

That’s like having car insurance that expires when you lose control of the car but before you hit the guard rail. To compound the problem, a person under 50 usually can’t purchase life insurance when they are seriously ill.

If you are over 50 you can purchase ‘no questions asked’ coverage but will be looking at very expensive policies (while on a small disability income) that don’t pay out until you’ve been insured for two years.

Just hang on to the policy that your grandparents purchased.” Far_Equivalent1347

2 points (2 votes)
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9. AITJ For Telling My Autistic Cousin To Stop Being Rude?

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“I (M16) texted my cousin (M23) how it was raining heavily. He said, ‘Okay? Not sure what to do with that information.’ I told him I just wanted to make conversation, and he said, ‘Making a random meteorological observation is not an interesting conversation topic.

I do not participate in small talk and meaningless conversations.’ I told him he could have just said, ‘It is’ or something, and he said, ‘I hold every right to establish social boundaries even if random neurotypicals get offended.

Deal with it.’

I told him he was being rude at this point, and he said, ‘Not sure how, but okay. I am not obligated to speak to you for any reason.

Right now, I refuse to speak to you period since you refuse to respect my boundaries and need for consent.’ I left him alone after this, and he eventually sent, ‘For now on, do not speak to me unless I approach you first.

You were unbelievably disrespectful calling me rude, and ableist for thinking autistic people should have to pander to neurotypicals, so it might be a while before we talk again.’

AITJ? He literally never made anything like that clear with me before.

I have a lot to think about.”

Another User Comments:

“Weaponized neurodivergence is a thing, there are certain places where neurodivergence (and I am neurodivergent myself) is the norm, and in those spaces, it’s great to let go of your frustrations at having to make way in a world that’s designed for neurotypical people – except those places sometimes get a bit hate-filled, and something about the way OP’s cousin was talking really reminds me of some of the talks on various Tumblr threads, and internet chatrooms where the talk goes from complaining about people being truly ableist – to actually becoming very entitled to having people just make way for you and accept all your behaviors – which, really doesn’t work in the real world because if you’re rude to a boss in the real world you get fired, if your mind jumps around and your short term memory sucks a bit then you can’t just expect people to accept it unless you’re taking measures to stop it like making lists and stuff.

There should be help and acceptance, yes, but this in-group out-group behavior of neurodivergence/non-neurodivergence goes too far sometimes and leads to a weird kind of entitlement – at least, that’s what I’ve witnessed.

I’m kind of glad I didn’t discover those places ten years ago and get drawn in, I don’t think if I’d developed that attitude I wouldn’t have made it so far in my personal and work life.” Too_Tired_Too_Old

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here.

Honestly, I can completely understand his initial point – you started the conversation with a statement, not a question, and that leaves him with no clear response for you.

It is worth remembering that while ‘not too bad weather here’ seems an obvious response to a neurotypical person who just accepts it as a polite lead in conversation, for a lot of autistic people it just doesn’t make sense – why are you telling them something they don’t want to know, and if you were interested in the weather where they are why didn’t you just ask…

You are not a jerk for asking, but neither is he a jerk for his initial response.

After that it sounds like you both pushed on ignoring each other’s perspectives – he was very clear in saying he didn’t want small talk, while you continued by trying to make a point justifying yourself (and therefore making small talk).

His responses after that then started getting overly combative, to the point I assume he has been spending quite a lot of time on the sort of pro-neurodivergent social media that turns almost radical.

Both of you need to learn to back off a little.

And next time, if you do want to check up on him, perhaps just being upfront about it might be more suitable – ‘hey, just checking in to see how you are doing, everything okay?'” nrsys

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Your cousin sure is though. You can be neurodivergent, have preferences and boundaries, but functioning in the world means basic respect and politeness most of the time. Sounds like your cousin heard a bunch of buzzwords he thought sounded good, found some groups that preach about how the world should pander to the atypical individual, and used it as an excuse to treat you like trash.

I would take his suggestion though. Don’t contact him again, and I am petty enough that if he contacted me, I might be tempted to (read most likely would) throw his own words right back at him.” Suspicious_Ad9810

2 points (2 votes)
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jasn1 11 months ago
NTJ. Your cousin is the jerk. He made a big deal over nothing. You are better off not talking to him at all. When he does talk to you, ignore him.
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8. AITJ For Refusing To Give My Adult Child Furniture From My Office?

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“So, one of my adult kids has some issues with making very poor choices. When this happens, they usually end up having the police called on them. This was happening quite a bit right before they moved out.

About 4 months before they moved out, they stated they wanted to get rid of their bed, and basically redo the room they were using at the time (my kids would move rooms constantly for some reason).

I said I’d be ok with it, but there would be some conditions, based on their behavior:

  • I wanted to pick furniture he liked but that could also double for turning the room into an office.
  • I’d give the furniture to him IF he moved out on good terms and moved into a stable living environment.

He agreed.

This happened during a period of time when he was in a good frame of mind and doing what he needed to do to help himself make good choices. He did not move out on good terms, in fact, they kind of just took off with no warning.

Then messaged from some random number that they had a new ‘mom’ and family a few weeks later. We had let the cops know but made it clear that if they knew where he was and he was safe, that’s all that mattered to us.

We didn’t want to force him to be here if he really didn’t want to be. I still gave him all of his personal things, it took me multiple trips and he had me take stuff to different houses.

In the last year, he has moved almost every month and has burned bridges with just about everyone, except those who enjoy the same poor choices as he does. The last time I was able to have a decent conversation with him, he admitted to having lost or sold most of his stuff.

We’ve also learned he is telling people some really horrible lies about everyone he’s lived with and even us. (no surprise honestly) Oh- and that he and his partner had lied about her being pregnant and having a miscarriage (twice) to get stuff from people to sell.

He has started demanding we give him the furniture, claiming he was moving soon. I responded that I’d actually help him get furniture he likes AFTER he has moved to a stable living environment.

This made him very angry. He’s been out for almost a year. He’s threatened to call the police. I talked with the police, they know the history, and they suggested we get a restraining order and go no contact.

We’ve gone no contact, but not sure if we have enough for the restraining order.

So, AITJ because I won’t give my adult kid the furniture?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – unless the furniture was explicitly a gift to a kid, then IT DOESN’T BELONG TO THEM no matter how much they used it in the house.

Do parents often allow their kids to take the stuff with them? They do. Yet in this instance, you’re not. That’s not a jerk move, especially given the other things noted here.” Lurkingentropy

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

I’d ask him to sign a paper stating that this furniture is the last thing he ever wants from me and he will never contact me forever or for X amount of time.

Then I would give the furniture to him and I would have a friend be there to give it and I would not be there.” FrauAmarylis

Another User Comments:

“Wow, there’s a lot going on here.

NTJ you had agreed-upon terms. Buttttttt you failed to mention if your adult child has mental issues, if they have substance abuse issues or if they have any trauma. All of what you’re describing could fit into one of those categories. Unless you’re saying your kid is a jerk.” User

1 points (1 votes)
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jasn1 11 months ago
NTJ. You had a deal and he didn't keep up his end. He apparently only wants the furniture to sell. Sometimes you have to let the ones you love hit rock bottom before they do better
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7. AITJ For Requiring My Partner's Aunt To Do Something Before Giving Her Financial Help?

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“My significant other and I are in our early 20s. I make a very large income through businesses I have founded, enough I could never work again and still live pretty well.

Combining that with the fact that I do indeed still work, I’m a multimillionaire.

I built this income with no help, but admit that I am from a well-off family and this has placed me in a place of privilege in terms of financial literacy, as well as being able to experiment risk-free.

My partner’s parents are both deceased, never having had a relationship with her. She was raised by her auntie, and neither grew up very well off. I love her auntie to death, but she has no financial literacy.

She gets into various forms of debt and eats out every meal (until her bank account is drained, though she leaves funds for necessities).

She also tries to be an entrepreneur every once in a while and sinks about $500 into each endeavor with no return.

For a long time, I have made it clear that if they are ever in a bind I will rescue them in a heartbeat with my resources. I have no intention of making my partner financially dependent on me and both my partner and her auntie have told me they won’t take me up on that offer, which is fine by me.

Recently her aunt has asked for $5000 to start a daycare service. There is local demand and this is not a bad idea as she already possesses the necessary checks and skills, however, I do not trust that she has the business sense or financial literacy to handle this amount well.

I have offered her the funds and more if she needs it on the condition she attends two classes.

  • A financial literacy class
  • A class on how to start and run a business

I would pay for both of those classes.

The 5k would not be a loan, I would just give it to her. I do not see a problem with entrepreneurship given that it’s where I’ve made all my money, I just don’t believe she would handle the 5k well at the moment.

According to my partner, I made her auntie uncomfortable with this. Auntie, my partner, and I have been tense since then. My partner accused me of implying that her auntie was irresponsible with finances, to which I replied that I was not implying it, I was stating it as I had on multiple occasions before when my partner had vented about getting her aunt out of sticky situations.

This understandably upset her, and she told me that this was nothing to me and that I could have given 20k, to which I replied that she was right but that did not change the fact that I was reluctant to give a large amount to a person known for poorly managing it.

I then talked with her auntie about why she was upset. She said that I had been born into a well-off family and that not everyone was so lucky. She did not feel entitled to my money but felt insulted in regards to her and my partner’s upbringing when I gave her my conditions.

I replied that by doing those classes, I was attempting to raise her and give her the knowledge that I had been given as a child.

She seemed to tentatively accept this, but she and my partner are both still noticeably upset about the whole thing.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She’s not responsible with finances, yet wants five grand to start a business, with no experience of running a business. Does she have a business plan? What about budget layouts? What’s the overhead?

The auntie feels bad because she’s embarrassed for A) having to ask for financial help B) knowing you know she’s bad with finances and on top of that likely annoyed you didn’t just say yes.

If she was really invested in starting this and was smart, she’d have jumped at the chance and welcomed doing the courses.

Instead, she’s annoyed and whispering in your partner’s ear who in turn is annoyed you aren’t just bankrolling Auntie’s whim.

State it’ll be a loan, get it written up, you’ll take a percentage of profit until the loan is repaid. If all goes well, gift the funds back to reinvest. If it tanks you showed you were willing to help, but you’re not an ATM.

Frankly though, given your partner jumped straight to having a go at you, I’d rethink the whole relationship.” Hoplite68

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. As long as it’s still yours, you are free to decide the terms for giving it away.

At the same time, I feel like – even if you grew up in privilege – you can’t seriously think that a) two entrepreneurship classes will make this a foolproof plan, and b) entrepreneurship courses are solely responsible for your success.

So while I think you’re right to set boundaries, I do think the boundaries are pretty arbitrary. If I took two entrepreneurship classes, I couldn’t run a business, but one of my friends is running a very successful one without ever having taken a class.

What if she fails in her endeavor? Will you just never give her funds again because she failed to meet a pretty unreasonable expectation? Plus, it’s also a well-known fact in economics that people who struggle to make ends meet are more prone to making bad financial decisions.

This daycare service could very well be what causes her to be more financially reliant and literate, instead of the other way around. I feel like there’s no real right answer here.” GreenDutchman

Another User Comments:

“NTJ at all.

From the title alone, I was prepared to vote differently, but after reading your post I think your reasoning is sound. I had initially assumed, from the title, that she needed the financial assistance and you were putting strings on it, which would have made you the jerk, but that is clearly not the case.

This is not something she needs, and if she were to try to get a loan or an investment from anybody other than the family they would expect a lot more from her than you are.

The fact that you are willing to give her the funds without expecting it to be paid back is very generous, and you are within your rights to want to know that the money won’t be wasted.

These classes sound like they will help her a lot if she goes into them with the right attitude, and I hope that she does so.” Erised2022

Another User Comments:

“This is a sticky situation, with no clear answer.

I am personally of the opinion that you shouldn’t give money to family. But it’s yours and you’re free to do what you want with it, just as you’re free to have stipulations on what people have to do before you give them money.

Personally, I don’t think financial literacy and entrepreneur classes are bad stipulations for receiving $5k for a business startup. But, many people find it insulting and especially to say that you’re forcing it because your partner’s aunt can’t handle finances well.

People don’t like having their faults and failings exposed, especially when they’re already doing something humbling like asking for financial help. Which is likely why you’re the jerk to your partner and her aunt.” how-are-ya-now

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here, I mean, I don’t inherently think anyone means to be, exactly, as much as no one seems to really understand each other, as well as they, think they do.

On one hand, you have the excess and what she has asked for is not a ‘big deal’ to hand over, whether with or without terms and conditions. And your perspective is that she is bad with finances and not ‘good at business.’

Which may or may not be the case.

On the other hand, they have taken your financial situation for granted and have already been a bit abusive with the idea that you have an obligation to help, and have taken your terms to imply that you look down on them, which arguably it seems you may.

If not directly down, you at least are looking at them somewhat sideways. And out of that, they have also become both defensive and seemingly willing to let the requirements stand in the way of the investment she needs to start her daycare.

Arguably, the requirement is a pretty low threshold to cross in order to get a no-strings investment in her business. And one that most people could easily at least go, sit through, and basically just go through the motions of meeting.

Functionally, that’s all you are really asking.

And, fundamentally, something she is also going to have to do in order to get her daycare up and running depending on where you are.

There will be some jump-through hoops requirements to make it happen, just to ensure a basic level of safety for the kids. It’s not just finding a space, pitting up some colorful artwork, buying some toys, and collecting funds from parents.

But, let’s be blunt, you don’t really sound like you think this is going to work out for her any more than her previous endeavors, even if it does have some pros in terms of viability.

As much as you’re making this about her financial management skills, there is some obvious disingenuousness there, as you’ve gone well beyond that in describing the situation. And her choices, are choices.

We all choose a hole to spend the money we make, and hers don’t seem to be too over the top. Not necessarily optimal, but not maxed out credit cards, payday loans, the triple mortgage on her home, etc.

If anything it sounds like you both need to sit down and put your cards on the table and talk it out. Say what you are both actually thinking and feeling, as honestly as possible, and see what you can get to.

Preferably by starting with how much you are willing to do (not a cash number, but your actual level of engagement) and what she’s really wanting, both out of starting her own business, and what she is looking to do for herself with that business.

At the end of the day, you ultimately sound like you feel you are bankrolling Lucy and Ethel, and while you don’t feel they are maliciously trying to take advantage of you, you’re at best feeling like they are not serious and don’t really have a clear idea of what they want or how to do it, and you’re not too thrilled with having to keep cleaning up the resultant mess with your checkbook.” joesomebody25901

1 points (1 votes)
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Okiedokie61 10 months ago
Ntj. Money and family never mix well
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6. AITJ For Not Wanting To Give My Entire Paycheck To My Mom?

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“So I’m just coming off of not working for close to two years due to a broken back and extensive rehab. Before my accident, I was living on my own with a few roommates, but after my accident, I was forced to move back home.

My mom has been super generous about letting me live rent-free and buying groceries to support me while I healed. I’ve expressed my gratitude many many times, which she fully acknowledges.

But as soon as I started working, she’s now demanding ALL of my next two months’ paychecks quoting that I owe her over four thousand dollars for housing me over the past two years.

At this time I have not had close to any money of my own, and I’m in need of basic necessities that I do NOT want to ask her for. (I.e new clothes, a car, a new mattress since my current one leaves me in pain every morning, and just basic things like makeup and personal care items) unfortunately, I know that if I ask her for these things, she will hold the fact that she got them for me over my head, and continue to bug me daily until I pay her for them.

I just want to know if AITJ for telling my mom that she’s being incredibly selfish to take all of my funds from my paychecks?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and what a horrible thing for your mother to do.

She offered her home rent-free; she can’t just decide to start charging you back rent. Ridiculous.

I wouldn’t fight with her and call her selfish; after all, she DID take care of you all that time.

However, I would talk with her seriously about whether or not you will continue to stay with her or move out. And if you stay, what those conditions will be (within reason).

Get the idea of make-up and other frivolous personal care items out of your head until you can get yourself back on your feet. And if your mother is absolutely insistent on you paying her $4000+ in back rent; then pay her.

But not by giving her your entire paycheck. Figure out a payment plan and then once she is paid, move out.

I hate when family lets money get in the way of a relationship like this.

What does your mom think would happen if she said/did this to you? If it were me, I would be out of there and going no contact. But I understand you are not in a great place right now and may have to tolerate it.

Don’t give in to the entire paycheck. Make it on your terms.” Sweet_Charming82

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here – It’s fine for her to demand you pay her back. $4,000.00 for 2 years of housing is amazingly cheap.

Now that you are working you need to pay her. And yes – before you buy a car. However, it is unreasonable of her to demand you give her your entire paycheck.

You guys need to come up with a payment plan you both can live with.” RedditDK2

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It looks like your mother has some unspoken expectations. She should have talked to you about this in advance and cannot expect to demand payment for something that was never expressed or agreed to, particularly if that leaves you with nothing to take care of yourself.

Coming to some kind of agreement where you reimburse her somehow would be reasonable as it’s understandable that she would expect help financially if she paid the bills and all of your living expenses for such a long time when you are an adult.

If you helped care for her, this should be taken into consideration if she feels that you should compensate her. Any compensation agreement should have reasonable terms based on this and they should allow you enough funds after payment to actually get back on your feet and out on your own.” dissappointedvet

1 points (1 votes)
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lesleecbrown 10 months ago
I have three kids. One had an emergency gall bladder removal and my oldest son had a hernia surgery. Not in my wildest dreams while they recuperated at my home did I ever think about charging them for the care I provided. You are not the jerk! Your mother is!!! Shame on her! That is the epitomy of emotional abuse
1 Reply

5. AITJ For Not Wanting To Raise My Stepson's Child?

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“My husband and I have had our now 22-month-old grandchild for 14 months since child services apprehended. We never really discussed it ahead of time, just jumped in. We thought one parent might get their life together but that hasn’t happened and now CS is going for permanent guardianship.

Hubs sees nothing wrong with us raising the child. Stepson is in his 30s and has caused numerous problems for us including theft of over $5000 to support his substance habit.

Refuses to get treatment. Mom is unfit and currently in jail for multiple crimes. By the time this child finishes high school, Hubs and I will be in our mid-late 70s.

I was looking forward to working part-time and enjoying our ‘golden years’ but suddenly I feel forced into jumping into the world of temper tantrums and toilet training while working full time to support a child (hubs is on medical disability pension).

The thought of it is taking a huge toll on my mental health and I see the only ways out are divorce or death. I really don’t want to live like this and feel like trash because the child has nowhere else to go.

None of our family has stepped up to help us and we haven’t had a day away from the child in 14 months. AITJ for wanting my empty nest back?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Our youngest is a high school senior and my husband and I are very much looking forward to our empty nest. Like you, I have absolutely no desire to spend my retirement years raising a baby.

So, I completely understand your point of view.

You were willing to care for this child for a short term and that, honestly, turned into far longer than you could have anticipated.

You have been caring for the child long enough that you understand the exact responsibility.

People may think you’re heartless, but it’s okay to say, ‘This isn’t how I want to spend my life.’ You can make that decision for yourself.

But you can’t make it for your husband. He needs to choose on his own whether he wants to raise this baby.

I recommend that you tell your husband that you’ve tried raising this child, but that isn’t how you want to spend the next couple of decades of your life.

Hand him the child and go stay elsewhere. Your husband needs to experience what caring for this child would be like without you. It’s possible that he isn’t willing to care for the baby without you.

In many hetero couples, the woman ends up doing the majority of the caregiving and your husband may not understand how much you’re doing.

While you’re away, get a consultation with a good divorce attorney to discuss your options.

You don’t have to immediately jump to divorce, but if you and your husband want different things with your lives, then that’s a probable outcome.” teresajs

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here.

Here’s the thing: of course, you want something different.

The jerk quotient would be assessed according to what you do about it…

You wrote that you can’t see a way out other than divorce or death, but there are a few other options that you might not have noticed.

Of course, you don’t see other options, because you’re completely overwhelmed by your situation. Your husband can’t work, so you’ve essentially got two full-time jobs – your day job and your household job, including caring for your stepson’s child.

Are you unwilling to rear this child? Or are you overwhelmed by having another responsibility on top of everything else?

If you’re adamantly opposed to rearing this child, speak up now. Be prepared for potential consequences, because I think it might cause problems with your husband.

If you’re not opposed and just need relief, talk to CPS about what assistance might be available for you. Talk to your husband about taking on more responsibilities. Reach out to other family members and ask for specific help: ‘I’m overwhelmed, and I need help – would you come over and babysit one Saturday a month?’ Or whatever else it is you need.

Check with a social worker about subsidized childcare in situations like this. Look into hiring a cleaner, so you can get a break. Maybe reach out to the mother’s family and see if they can help.

It’s a tough situation, with no good solution, but I wish you the very best.” MarkedHeart

Another User Comments:

“NTJ for not wanting this dumped on you.

I do think you will need help to sort out your options.

As others have said you need to find out if Permanent Guardianship is in your best interests financially. It might be more beneficial to be foster parents, in terms of income, medical counseling, and availability of services such as counseling.

If the father or mother is incapable of working due to disabling addictions, you might be able to fight for social security for the kid having a disabled parent. Being rich could go a long way to dealing with this upheaval.

With money, you could maybe not continue to work full time, or you can hire more child care, or hire out other time-consuming duties like home care, meal prep, etc.

The other factor in this is your husband’s disability.

Is it degenerative? How many good years does he have left? Is it possible that you will need to be his caretaker while the child is still a minor? You need to have a discussion with the social worker about finances, insurance, and services and maybe with your financial advisor if you have one you work with for your retirement savings.

You should also get marriage counseling and each of you should have individual counseling sessions as well to help work through the feelings that are associated with all the decisions that are to be made.” janeandprudence

Another User Comments:

“First, no jerks here, just a sad horrible situation.

Talk it out, get counseling if you can, but in the end, you make the best decision for yourself and your husband will have to do the same. It would be a huge commitment to raise this child, but as it’s your husband’s grandchild he may feel it’s his responsibility as well as an emotional attachment that he can’t give up.

Foster care is sadly the worst-case scenario, a better outcome might be to get the parent (or court) to relinquish parental rights and have the child adopted before he gets too old.

Maybe even open such that your husband keeps in touch. I know that’s a bit pie in the sky and probably regardless of you both keeping the baby there’s going to be a lot of heartaches, drama, CPS, and court cases in the future.” Vulcancomic

0 points (0 votes)
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jasn1 11 months ago
This is a bad situation. Reading between the kines, if your husband is disabled the lion's share of childcare and providing an income will fall on you. He is not being fair to you. If you think this will be too much on you, you need to take steps now, including leaving your husband. You have to take care of yourself first.
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4. AITJ For Turning My Wife's Room Into An Office?

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“So I M/32 struggled with lack of employment for several months, I finally got a job opportunity that requires me to work from home and for that, I needed a quiet space which is hard to find in a 3 room apartment with 2 kids.

My wife has a ‘workout’ room with all of her… working equipment! I asked if she’d let me have it so I could turn it into an office for my work and she said ‘no.’ No discussions no compromises just ‘No’ man.

I tried to reason with her and explained to her why an office is more needed than an exercise room but to no avail, no is still no.

I thought that she was being unsupportive and unappreciative of the fact that I’m trying to earn to provide for the family.

I waited for her to leave the apartment then had all her workout stuff out and turned the room into an office away from the noise and distraction. She came home and lost herself on me for doing this and yelled that I was being inconsiderate of her struggles with keeping fit and healthy since she has a number of disorders that she only manages via working out but I took that away from her.

I explained to her that I have a stronger cause because I need the room so I can work and again earn us funds to keep a roof over our heads yet, she called me a manipulative, and abusive sob for going behind her back and kicking her out the room like this.

She demanded I put everything back but I said no and even told her she was being a child throwing a temper tantrum over silly things and not giving a damn about my work conditions when she should be accommodating me.

She told me to get lost since this is her apartment too and I had no right to steal her room.

She’s sulking to the fullest degree now and is trying to get me to put everything back, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

You, because you did it while her back was turned. And her for not being willing to compromise, like give you a portion of the room to have as a workspace.

(Although it might be more helpful if you had shared what exercise equipment she has and how big the room is, plus how much space you actually need.)

Neither one of you seems to appreciate the other’s needs.

You say that she has certain disorders that she only manages by working out. That didn’t stop you or even hinder you from putting out all her equipment and claiming the entire room like yours.

And she doesn’t seem to appreciate your need to hold a job to provide for your family.

I’m just seeing two people who are being completely inflexible and completely indifferent to the needs of the other.

How long do you think the two of you are going to last if you’re both so dig-in-your-heels selfish?

Do you really need the entire room? You couldn’t just take one corner and leave a treadmill, exercise mat, heavy bag, or whatever?

And can she not join a gym, which will almost certainly have better and more diverse equipment for her needs?

How is it that either one of you gets to claim an entire room of a three-room apartment to the exclusion of the other?

I would suggest since you’ll be making more now, that you find a bigger place that will be able to accommodate her exercise equipment and your office, but you’re both so mind-blowingly headstrong, selfish, and completely inflexible, that I think the better option is for you to find a life apart from each other.

In the meantime, if she does think she’ll manage to join a gym, you should pay for the membership costs.” Historical_Concept_7

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You seriously can’t use a desk in your bedroom? You need to have a whole other room to yourself and take away the one spot your wife has for herself to take care of her health? I have a work-from-home job too, and I just have my desk in the bedroom with a door I can lock if need be.

I couldn’t imagine going behind my partner’s back like this.

Also, you calling your wife’s health and wellbeing something silly that she’s overreacting over is a huuuuuuuge red flag. You might want to think long and hard about why you have such disregard for your wife’s health.” FoxxiFurr

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here but a lot of y’all are making some assumptions.

None of us know what she needs the exercise stuff for. OP DID NOT say she has EDS. OP said medical, which could be for an eating disorder or something else.

Point is, we do not know.

Having a job is pretty damn important. Paying bills, kids, and if there are serious medical problems – health insurance plan and being able to pay those medical bills.

Y’all really think these rooms are massive or that he just needs a tiny little desk with a laptop. Unless I missed it, he could need a printer, a couple of monitors, space to write, books/notebooks, etc.

that requires room.

This is exercise equipment. It takes up a lot of space. Depending on what equipment is there, it may be impossible to share the space.

Not everyone has giant rooms to fit things in.

They’re already living in a 3 bedroom with two kids sharing a room.

This job may require a call center or something that requires intense concentration where a separate room is needed and space to be able to access resources.

Not laying his stuff on a bed. Would you be able to comfortably do a job where everything is in a tight fit and you’re constantly having to move things around? I know I sure wouldn’t.

Jobs suck enough as it is. Trying to do it at home crammed up against a bed or in a small little corner would suck.

Let’s also discuss the fact that she could also downsize and switch to going to a gym for some things.

She flat out said no. No compromise. No discussion. Didn’t even seem to care he found a job and needs space. According to other commenters, she’s living off of family money so who knows if she even gets the concept of having to work for what you have.

OP definitely handled it wrong. I’m not disputing that. It was petty. However, as a normal person… if I knew my partner was struggling to find work and finally landed something, I’d be taking my butt to the gym instead of making my partner sit in a tiny corner in our bedroom.

I’m sure OP is aware of what medical conditions she has and knows what’s necessary for her (if he’s an attentive and caring spouse – I could be completely wrong on this), but I highly doubt that if he IS a loving and caring spouse that he would recommend something that would do more harm to her.” mcsquizzie

Another User Comments:

“NTJ you need a space quiet away from the noise of the house to work.

You can work out anywhere in any space in the house. If it’s that important to her suggest turning the living room into the workout space while you have to work from home and that’s that.

She won’t have any space to work out if you don’t work to pay the bills. Illness or no illness doesn’t mean she can’t work out by not having dedicated space for it.

If the kids bother her she can wait till they are asleep or put a movie on in their bedroom while she does it. There is not enough reason for the separate room for it vs you needing it to work.” kassiaethne

0 points (4 votes)
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Slwieman 11 months ago
You're both selfish assholes. Is there some reason that you can't have a desk in the workout room? I've always kept my desk and treadmill in the same room....

It sounds like there are deeper issues.
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3. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For My Daughter's Significant Other's Meal?

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“I’m a mother of a 24-year-old daughter ‘Christine’. Christine moved back to our hometown after obtaining her college degree and met her current partner Simon (30). I’m not a big fan of Simon but we’re civil enough to be around each other.

The other day I called Christine to invite her for lunch and she agreed to come. Unbeknownst to me, she brought Simon with her. I was slightly bothered but only since I was looking for an ordinary mother-daughter lunch to catch up with stuff.

I welcomed her and Simon and as far as ordering food, I ordered the usual for Christine but Simon went over the menu and picked a lot of stuff, including a drink.

Now, this didn’t bother me because I figured that he would be paying for this stuff but apparently, this was not the case.

The bill came and I told Simon and Christine that I was only paying for myself and Christine, Simon asked why was that and I told him because I didn’t invite him.

He let out a loud ‘come on now! What?’ And Christine asked if I was serious. I told her yes because I only invited her, didn’t I? She said that I was being rude and unwelcoming to Simon after he took the time to drop what he was doing and come join us but I frankly told her this wasn’t what I planned.

She got offended and said they’re both one and I should either pay for both of them or not pay at all, I told her this was not fair to both her and me but she said no this was unfair to Simon.

I asked if he had the funds to pay and he shook his head ‘no’. I apologized and still stuck to paying for myself and Christine but she refused to let me, saying I either pay for both or not pay at all.

I asked if that is what she really wanted and she nodded. I said okay then, paid for myself, and left.

Clearly, Christine had no money as well and they had to wait for a friend to pay for them at the restaurant.

Christine was upset about that, she called me and said that I not only disrespected Simon and made him feel unwelcome, but I also bailed on them by only paying for myself and leaving them stuck in a horrible situation begging a friend for help.

She said she’s hurt, Simon’s hurt, and they expect an apology and the amount their friend paid since it’s a debt they need to return now. I told her it was her doing for bringing an uninvited person with her then insisting that I pay for them both or not pay at all.

She argued that I was trying to avoid responsibility and should make it up to them if I care about our relationship but I said it won’t happen because I don’t owe them anything.

Things got worse between us, now I’m thinking I might have caused this by not paying for both of them. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here – Everyone here is operating on assumptions and none of it is cool.

Your daughter should have asked about bringing the guy, because she assumed you were paying, and frankly, so did you. You only stopped assuming you were paying for lunch when she brought someone, and it was someone you don’t like.

When the guy arrived unexpectedly you should have made it clear at the start that you weren’t expecting this and can’t pay for everyone.

There is no universe where it’s polite to say at the end of the meal ‘Oh I am paying for her but not you’.

You already said you don’t like him, it’s very clear you just didn’t want to pay for him and waited until the end of the meal to smugly tell him he’s not good enough to get lunch from you.

They were right in that either lunch is on you or it isn’t. You’re picking up the check or you’re all paying for yourselves. It’s really petty to do what you did.” MagnorRaaaah

Another User Comments:

“Technically NTJ but this is a classic case of cutting your nose off to spite your face.

I get it, you don’t like the guy & think he’s a loser, and you are within your rights to call them both out for being rude.

However, it seems like you deliberately waited to the end, to cause maximum humiliation.

You were planning to tell your daughter that you think she & her partner are losers, but when they did that you thought ‘great, here’s an opportunity to SHOW them they’re losers too’.

If you plan to help your daughter, either by convincing her to dump him, or by steering them both towards better jobs, or whatever it is you plan to do, then you’ve just made it far more difficult for yourself.

As a result of your actions, your daughter thinks you’re a jerk, her man thinks you’re a jerk, the fact that they both had the same experience of you embarrassing both of them will bring them closer together & further from you.

You will likely be judged to be in the clear here, but the internet isn’t as important as real life. In real life, you’re in a much worse position because of your choices.” BigC1874

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

Good luck having a healthy relationship with your daughter being this petty. Yeah, she should ask if it was okay to bring her partner but clearly, you didn’t tell her that it was a 1 on 1 lunch, so that’s on you 100% because you should always expect a couple to attend unless the opposite is clearly stated.

Yeah, the guy should have his wallet to pay for things but I assume your daughter said ‘don’t worry mom invited us so you don’t need it’ which is what I expect as a son and would do as a parent.

You had 2 options here; pay for the food and after that tell her that next time she should ask if it’s okay to bring Simon or than everyone pays for their own food or escalate this into a full-blown drama, disrespect your daughter choice of a partner and make him feel hated.

At least this was after the holidays so you won’t have to worry about how bad the family gatherings will be from now on for a year.” Eddiehondo

Another User Comments:

“NTJ!

  • ‘Unbeknownst to me, she brought Simon with her.’

Surely she could have texted/called/sent a carrier pigeon in advance and asked if that was ok? I never turned up to anything my parents invited me to without asking if it was ok to bring my partner, even if we were just getting take out from somewhere.

It’s just polite and respectful.

  • ‘She argued that I was trying to avoid responsibility and should make it up to them if I care about our relationship but I said it won’t happen because I don’t owe them anything.’

Damn right you don’t! She and Simon are the ones avoiding responsibility! She should have been upfront if they had nothing to pay so you could have laid out some ground rules for what you were willing to pay for.

It was clearly a ploy to get ‘Free Food from Mum’.

  • ‘I said okay then, paid for myself, and left.’

Good decision. And you’re right in it’s not your debt to pay with the friend, it’s theirs.

If I go anywhere with my parents, I always offer to pay. We usually end up taking turns, or we split it, or they get the food and we get all the drinks or things like that.

She’s 24 years old and Simon is 30! Old enough to know better, and also old enough to know how to manipulate the system.

Stick to your guns, tell her to grow up a bit, learn to be responsible for her own finances, and the debt is between her and her friend as she made the decision to turn up without money and not tell you in advance.

Welcome to a life lesson Christine.” IceWolfsbane

Another User Comments:

“There’s something cultural here that just bothers me. Whenever I am in trouble or uncomfortable with something my family does, I just request some serious face-to-face convo.

Whenever someone who was not expected shows up to one of these moments, I politely request them to leave so I can have a serious 1:1 with the person I previously scheduled the meeting.

People need to learn how to talk to each other. Otherwise, relationships will always be this mysterious and borderline toxic thing. With that said, this awful situation could have been avoided.

For starters, the first time you saw she brought him for lunch, you should have said directly to them that it was supposed to be a moment with your daughter to catch up, talk about life, etc.

It wouldn’t be rude, on the contrary. Honesty is just beautiful.

Ok, you don’t like him. So what? You’re not the person expected to like him. Of course, you’re a mother and you have a sixth sense about this stuff.

But unless he’s aggressive and shows behavior that could harm your daughter in some way, you should not get in the middle of their relationship. Not even with implications of disliking the guy.

They are old enough to figure things out in a relationship by themselves.

Then ok, he orders a lot of food. Why didn’t you ask him at that moment if he had the means to pay for all that stuff? Even as a joke.

That would have avoided the final and awkward moment you had there. Addressing the ‘not paying for you’ issue, why do that when holding the check? Why couldn’t you just let the check sit there for a moment to see if he’d get it to pay for his meal or just ask straight if he was going to pay for his? That was rude, petty, unimaginable behavior for a mom, especially a person who’s no longer a teenager.

‘They should have brought their wallets, I always bring mine’ – like everyone is expected to act like you, especially when the context is a lunch invitation. You never know WHY she brought him along.

Maybe he’s facing financial difficulties??? Maybe that was the one time he had the opportunity to go out to eat in a long time? You and I cannot stress this enough, this might possibly damage your relationship with your daughter over some bucks.

Who does that? His behavior was not okay either, but you are the oldest and most mature person in this situation.

Address the issue as the adult you are, not as a teenager.

Communicate. Apologize to them. Tell them you were annoyed cause you wanted some time with your daughter and that should be your special moment. Tell her you miss her and how much you love her. Don’t drive her away because of some dude you can’t tell whether or not will stick around. Be an adult.” Ok-Brother-1055

-2 points (6 votes)
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SickOfCraziness 11 months ago
NTJ! How completely rude and presumptuous of them both. Her for not asking if he could come along, and him for assuming you should pay for him. They are both adults, and shouldn't expect to be paid for, just because you can. Plus, if they had no money, and were expecting you to pay, how inconsiderate of him to order so much. I do think that it could have been clarified before food was ordered, that you would not be paying for him. But your daughter's tantrum was ridiculous. I hope you can get things straight with her, but don't apologize for holding to your decision.
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2. AITJ Because I Don't Need A Nurse, Just A Daughter?

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“I need total knee replacement surgery soon. I live 5 minutes away from daughter #1, who will have a six-week sabbatical from work coming up in the spring. Daughter #2 lives 1500 miles away and works two low pay jobs.

Doc says I won’t need 24/7 care but I should have somebody nearby for the first week or two just in case something happens. I will be able to get around, albeit not easily.

Am I the jerk because I want to schedule surgery during daughter #1’s sabbatical so she can help if needed?

She says she’s waited ten years for this and does not want to spend it playing nursemaid, and then advocated daughter #2 take time off from both her jobs to fly down here at MY expense and provide the care.

I’m retired, have limited excess funds, and would not be able to compensate D2 sufficiently for her financial obligations. Additionally, I am paid to care for her children, and if surgery is done during her sabbatical, I would not be losing any income as she wasn’t going to pay me anyway.

If I wait until summer, then I lose that income for a month, plus potentially have to pay for daughter #2 to come down IF she could get the time off.

I’ve taken time to be there for her for 3 births and 3 surgeries. AITJ for having surgery during her long-awaited sabbatical?

Another User Comments:

“YTJ are you really so selfish that you will take away your child’s decade-long wait for a sabbatical she EARNED? Don’t you have any friends? Extended family? Community? Why are you putting this burden on your child? This is your responsibility, not hers.

We can also see your manipulation, entitlement, and pathetic refusal to realize that your child doesn’t need to cater to YOUR needs. Did you bother to even ask or did you just demand & schedule it expecting her to bow to your wishes? She spent 10 years waiting for this sabbatical and requiring her to be a caregiver for a total knee replacement recipient is much more time-consuming than an hour a day.

It requires at the very least 2 weeks of full-time caregiving & a few weeks of part-time. You won’t be able to move, will need help going to the bathroom, need rides to Physical Therapy, food prepared & delivered, etc.

This is so much more extensive than one hour a day. Stop deluding yourself as to the extent of your surgery & recovery. Also, stop being a jerk.” Zaffyn

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

This isn’t an unreasonable request; you’re her mom. Sounds like a bunch of people in here would rather put you in a nursing home than inconvenience anyone in your family. This must be a cultural thing because in my culture this wouldn’t even be an issue.

It’s not unreasonable to ask for help from your daughter when she is free to do so, regardless of it being a long-awaited sabbatical. You’re her mother and you need help.

This is not gaslighting. Period. But then again, this seems like a cultural issue. Not surprised a bunch of people in here is trying to tear you down for asking your own daughter for help.” Green_Ad_3074

Another User Comments:

“Depending on your location and situation you may be eligible for a free or low-cost home help service.

Someone to help with personal care and meals, or you may be eligible for funding assistance to pay for this. Some church groups have support systems in place for their members however I don’t know much about this as I have only heard about it through the people I care for.

After a total knee replacement, you won’t need 24/7 help, but you’ll struggle to cook and clean and change clothes, etc at least for the first few weeks. YTJ if your first choice was to try to schedule it during her sabbatical.

You have no real idea how you will cope with this surgery and can’t expect someone to give up needed time off. Also sounds like your daughter is the mother of three so her other vacation time is probably taken during school holidays and summers and you should know being a parent is a full-time job leave or no leave.” Username7319

Another User Comments:

“NTJ for wanting help.

And yes unlike what a lot are saying it is reasonable to ask family, especially those who’ve accepted your help in the past, for temporary help.

HOWEVER, there are some YTJ aspects to this.

For one, you seemed to have assumed your daughter has time. She may not and may not have time for as much care as you think. To be fair, her time is much more valuable than yours.

You are retired. The ‘when’ you need to give help is irrelevant to you. For her, she has to work, and her remaining free time is precious. Don’t expect she can help as much as you were able to.

But where you are truly in the wrong is your request that she give up some (and probably most) of her sabbatical. People work for years for their sabbaticals. Literally years.

They plan whatever they’re going to do for several years. It is not remotely like a normal vacation. For those who get them, it is a time, probably the only time in a decade, when they can completely check out of work and everyone knows not to bother them.

It is absolutely precious time, and you have very much misunderstood if you believe that it’s the same as asking to give up a few days of time after work, or even asking for someone to take a week of vacation to help you out.” Lime_Skittle_

-2 points (4 votes)
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Realitycheck 11 months ago
Boy. You suuure can tell who has a tight family and who travels lifethese comments. comments.
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1. AITJ For Telling A Student To Act Like A Normal Kid So He Doesn't Get Bullied?

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“I teach a freshman English class for high school.

This boy named Eric (fake to protect his privacy) is a very weird kid. He does odd rituals such as body cracking, squealing, and swinging his body sideways.

There were times when he was seen by other students doing what was called the Naruto run on the way to class. I had to call security to pick him up several times because he can be highly disruptive, talkative, and distracting to the class.

He draws ninja-like weapons, and he was using school laptops in class to research them. I had to get the administration, a counselor and parents involved since we are living in difficult times and this could be a red flag.

He was suspended for 3 days.

Surprise to no one, he gets bullied almost daily. Only when my back is turned. He complains about someone tapping him. I didn’t see them in the act yet so there is nothing I can do.

Someone put ice cubes in his shirt, and he disrupted the class by screaming and kicking like he was on fire. I still don’t know who put ice cubes in his back so I can’t report this.

I sent him to the office and tried to get the students to explain what was going on, and apparently, they don’t know. I have no way to prove what really happened.

Also, my students complained about his body odor on numerous occasions. I can only do so much.

I finally had to tell it to him straight after hinting at him several times.

I told him why he is being picked on and he needs to stop the strange behaviors if he wants his classmates to leave him alone. Don’t crack every joint in class.

Don’t look up and draw weapons in class and don’t derail the lessons with his strange topics. And also shower, he stinks. There’s nothing further I can do.

I have brought up these same concerns with his parents weeks ago but I can only do so much.

Am I the jerk for telling it to the kid straight?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, you sound like a total jerk. You’re siding with his bullies and making this kid feel worse about himself because you don’t like him.

You sound like a bully yourself. You don’t sound like a concerned, professional teacher at all.

‘I didn’t see them in the act so there’s nothing I can do.’ If a child is getting bullied by a student, ask him who is doing it and assure him you’ll handle it.

Then you should address and talk to this bully and advise him to stop or report it.

Also, are you the one reporting him for drawing weapons in class? That is a genuine overreaction.

I’d maybe understand if it’s a gun, but ninja weapons? Come on…” Mammoth_Fox8719

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Teachers like OP disgust me. I kept getting bullied by this one particular boy in my class and I was the quiet girl in a class so no matter what you do some kids are just going to be jerks.

Anyways, I finally got the courage to tell my teacher I was being picked on and she said ‘I don’t like tattletales’ and did nothing. I never trusted teachers again. OP should not be a teacher if this is how he handles a victim of bullying.” Soggy_Willingness_65

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

First off.

This kid is funny as heck, from what you said. I’m in tears…ninja weapons.

I was also bullied in school and my view on that after years is that it seems to be actually not that bad behavior.

Usually either weak or strange get bullied. Children do this with no actual harm in mind, it seems to be pretty much hardcoded into us. They, just like you, want him to be normal.

I’m getting along with most people who bullied me with no issues as grown-ups. They still say I’m kind of strange but they respect who I am.

However, you should keep your eye on the bullies.

Kid must reach a point where he finds himself equal to others. Not a ninja. He could be thinking actually that he is some sort of superhuman, high fantasy flow, from what I read.

Don’t let him trick you by playing the innocent victim or he will be weak in the future. At the same time, you must keep bullies in check.

Worst case, he will be executing his ninja stuff. We don’t want that.” Zer0Maze

-2 points (4 votes)
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kipa 11 months ago
Ytj here. Sounds to me like you have a child wroth neurodivergence in your class - possibly on the autism spectrum. Being told not to twitch isn't a help if you can't control your twitches - in fact it is likely making it worse.

If someone put ice down his shirt you would see the evidence that it happened - if the shirt is wet then it happened, and if he is neurodivergent then it probably really did feel to him as if he was on fire.

One of my friends has a kid with autism and she has had terrible problems with getting him to shower or use deodorant. Telling him to do it isn't actually particularly helpful.

Teaching your class about being accepting of difference IS helpful. Teaching a bit of empathy. An exercise where for example, everyone takes out their own hairbrush and leans on the bristles as a way of demonstrating how the seams in a shirt might feel to someone who has sensory issues (carefully NOT pointing this discussion to being about that student). That sort of thing. There are lots of resources out there to help you. Use them, and stop adding to this kid's nightmares.
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