People Inquire "Am I The Jerk?" In These Stories
17. AITJ For Telling My Future Mother-In-Law I Don't Want Her Engagement Ring?
“I (F26) have been with my significant other, Adam (M30), for 4 years. I’m not too close to his family but was close to my former sil (brother inlaw’s now ex-wife)
My future mother-in-law gave her engagement ring to my bil to propose to sil with 3 years ago. It’s an important tradition in the family to pass down the ring and since they have no daughters/sisters then the ring went to bil’s ex-wife.
After the separation, my bil got the ring back and decided to focus on his kids. Now since everyone knows that Adam and I are planning to make our relationship official and pursue marriage which is our goal, his mother suggested he propose with her engagement ring that my bil already proposed with to his now-ex as mentioned above.
Adam was excited with the idea but I was uncomfortable solely by the fact that this ring was proposed more than once and also it belonged to my former sil for years and she had memories attached to it. I feel like that ring already had more than one love story and I feel I have the right to wear a ring that represents our relationship and one that belongs to me and Adam.
Future mil wasn’t happy with my opinion and invited me to the church where she hangs out most of the time to talk and explained that it’s a must for Adam as the youngest to carry the tradition and propose with this ring and it was disrespectful of me to not want it or have an issue with it since it’s of high sentimental value.
I explained why I had an issue with it but she implied I clearly wanted a ‘more shiny and expensive one’.
After basically shaming & wearing me down for hours about it I flat-out told her that is between me and Adam but he agreed with her and said my logic doesn’t make sense and asked if I’d refuse to buy an apartment just because someone else owned it.
But an apartment is different than an engagement which in my opinion… should be a symbol of our love but my statement was met with an ‘I don’t get it. Do you really think a ring is more important than us being on the same page and understanding each other? Besides, that’s what my mom wants and to be completely honest with you here, I’m just trying to keep the peace and stay on her good side which is what you should be doing TOO right now instead of already starting an unnecessary drama and setting a bad tone for your relationship with mom’.
I asked why he thought his mom’s opinion was equal or more important than mine and he got offended and said I was insulting his mom and he won’t let me do that next time. He refused to discuss it any further saying this was a ridiculous hill for me to choose to die on and should be honored to be given the opportunity to hold on to something as valuable as his mom’s engagement ring.”
Another User Comments:
“OP, I realize the current question is about your engagement ring, and I’ll give my judgment on that at the end, but I’m here from the future to beg you to take a few steps back to see the much bigger and important picture.
You and your fiancé are getting engaged and determining the ring, which should be a private affair between the two of you. And, yet, it is not and the only person surprised by this is you. FMIL has inserted herself, declared her decree, and everyone, but you, are fully ready to bow down and ‘keep the peace.’ The reason for this is that your FMIL has spent your fiancé’s lifetime brainwashing and training him to keep her happy and fear upsetting her.
Also, depending on her prowess, there are probably some boobytraps hardwired in there to catch any future significant other trying to undo her hard work, by warning that women typically try to sabotage the relationship of a mother and her son so that they can take advantage however they want. As such, I urge you to take the patterns of this situation: a private matter, FMIL imposing her will, FMIL taking you aside to wear you down for hours, and fiancé taking her side simply to ‘keep the peace’ and apply it to every future special event in your life – holidays, vacations, family time, wedding, house, babies, etc.
I say this because fighting my MIL’s preferences/traditions/desires and making my husband care more about what I want than what she wants has taken up way too much of my marriage. My husband is the very best of men and absolutely the man for me, but some serious damage & hurt has been done in the process and my MiL is still a very big presence in our lives, albeit so much more manageable than it’s practically a pleasant relationship at this point.
And here’s what I really want to drive home: for all of her faults, my MIL has never tried to wear me down herself. Yours has. Meaning that she’s a much bigger monster than I only dreamed she was. You indeed marry the family, too, so, as you’re still deciding whether or not to marry this guy, keep this top of your mind.
Regarding the ring situation: NTJ. It’s your ring and what you have to wear every day. You should be able to have something you love, as long as it works with your fiancé’s budget, etc. I don’t see why the ring couldn’t go to the BIL’s daughter or even sons, as it was their mother’s ring for a while.” MamaofTwinDragons
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s completely understandable why you don’t want the ring that was once used by your ex-SIL, especially since you’re still friends with her. Why can’t they just skip this generation and if your partner or his brother has kids the ring gets passed down to them?
It’s weird to me that women are just expected to love whatever ring they’re given.
My husband and I had many discussions about the type of rings I did NOT want and looked through many photos. Ultimately he chose the ring, but I made it clear it had to fit the criteria of what I would wear. And to be clear, it wasn’t ‘I WANT A HUUUUGE DIAMOND.’ I wanted something small, didn’t have a very tall profile, and was square-ish.
If you really want to marry your partner and want everyone to be happy, you can accept the ring, but make it clear you won’t be wearing it and will be taking it for tradition only.” Wallflowerheart
Another User Comments:
“NTJ BUT RUN.
If you know what is good for you you won’t marry this guy. Everything he said is one red flag after the other red flag.
He is a huge momma’s little boy. If you marry him it will be like being married to his mom, she will have an opinion in everything and have a final say in everything because he will let her ‘keep the peace’, ‘to make her happy’: wedding planning – you think you are going to your wedding? wrong, it will be her dream wedding, buying a house/apartment – where? which one? where and how to spend the holidays? if you want any kids be prepared to be treated like a glorified nanny to her little babies because she will have her own ideas and rules and traditions about how to raise your kids, how to name your kids, if you want pets what kind to get or not get because of the kids, or because it would dirty up the house (the house she and her son choose…), going on an expensive, luxury vacation to an exotic country? how could you leave them behind?! Let’s make it a family vacation somewhere else where she wants to go…
If he is not standing up for you now, not stopping his mother now he never will. It will only get worse once he thinks he has you locked down in a marriage, especially if locked down in a marriage with kids!
You will always come second to his mom, and he will expect you to cater to his mom too and you will be the bad guy if you refuse just like now.
Your opinion, feeling, well-being will never be anywhere near as important for him as his mommy’s, let alone more important.
It’s easier to break up than to divorce and breaking up is a lot easier than to divorce +sorte out custody and have to co-parent with his mother… I… mean with..him…
I don’t know if you or if they are superstitious or not, but engagement rings, wedding rings from broken marriages are considered bad luck, bad juju.
(I am not superstitious but I think it’s in bad taste, tacky)” Cute-Shine-1701
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Engagement/wedding rings are incredibly personal, and that is how they are supposed to be. It’s not a matter of ‘family tradition’, especially when in most cases it’s the eldest that gets the rings after their parents pass away. I would have never taken my parents’ rings while they are still alive to use one to propose to my wife.
It just feels weird and impersonal at best. That being said, if ‘mom’s’ opinion is always going to trump yours in your relationship, then you may want to reconsider joining this family through marriage. Divorce is expensive, breakups arent. Unless you are prepared to have to go to battle against his mother’s opinion at every disagreement, you may need to have a long talk about boundaries or consider leaving altogether. NTJ.” User
16. AITJ For Wanting A Puppy?
“I (36m) have been planning to get another dog for over a year. I already have a small dog, Roman (10m, terrier mix, a rescue), and I look after my mom’s dogs, small as well (8m and 9f, also terrier mixes and rescued from the same place) regularly because she likes to vacation. We do not live together.
I am finally ready to put down a deposit on a dog and my mom is up in arms because I told her that I will not be able to take care of her dogs for a while. She is saying that it puts her in a difficult position because she’d have to pay for dog sitting and she can’t take them on vacation with her.
Dog sitting her dogs are also the way I’m paying her back for a loan…. but I’m in a position to pay all of it back right now. She refused.
Here are the reasons I refuse to look after her dogs when I get a puppy:
They’re not immune yet. Her vet told her they’re too old, which is just odd since my dog is older and still got his shots, just 2 months ago.
They do not like many other dogs and are pretty unpredictable, why would I put a puppy in a position where they might be attacked for no reason? They play off each other as well. So if one goes buck, the other does too.
They are not trained. Roman learned bad habits when he stayed there because I had an operation and couldn’t care for him.
The youngest (8m) is not house trained. I let them out every 2 hours. Vet says he’s fine, just not house trained… and I’ve been trying.
They bark at absolutely everything and don’t stop. I’ve tried. Very high strung.
The reasons I know I’m ready: I’m out with my dog every day for multiple hours and playtime is almost constant.
He’s on a pretty strict schedule and he thrives on it. He is also still learning new tricks and we’re currently getting a few props for some new tricks that will be learned in the new year. My vet is also in the loop and they think I’d make a good GSD owner seeing how well behaved and healthy my current dog is (and how proactive I am with his health).
Been in contact with everyone that has been involved in my dogs’ upbringing for up-to-date prices so I can start planning for my new puppy financially.
I am ready for a bigger 2nd dog, my mom is guilting me because she won’t have a dog sitter anymore. So, AITJ for wanting to get a puppy?
Edit: Her dogs are an 8-year-old male and a 9-year-old female.
Not puppies. Sorry for not expanding on that.
Edit2: My mom does have a dog sitter other than me, but she charges pretty high prices now. So, when my mom has to use the sitter, guilt trips non-stop.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and her telling you her dogs are too old to get health shot is a bunch of nonsense.
My dogs are both 10 and receive certain shots yearly. Others are only required every three years. I assume ‘no shots’ includes no bordetella, which is dangerous in a multi-dog situation if they don’t all live in the same house all the time.
Not only will she have to pay for dog sitting if she uses someone other than you, but 99% of the time she will also have to get her dogs shot or no one will take her dogs.
It sounds as if they have behavioral problems as well which will mean a dog sitter or kennel will either have to isolate them or she will have to train them. I would guess she knows all this and this has at least something to do with the guilt trip she’s giving you.
At 36 your life is YOURS.
Get that second dog.” Cali_Macchiato
Another User Comments:
“I would say that you are NTJ. That is strange that she’s refusing to accept your payment to pay off the loan you have. Without further into why That is I couldn’t give an accurate estimation but I would have to possibly suspect it has at least partially something due to her getting free dog sitting with you.
As you don’t live with your mother and her dogs I would say that her being irritated that you want to get a new dog and that caused her to have to pay for dog boarding on her vacation. I know that’s a bit of an inconvenience but she’ll have to deal with it. That’s on her for not getting her dogs immune.
I’m not a vet myself but if she says her vet told her that they’re too old for getting it then something is up with that.
In no way is her being slightly inconvenienced once for this is really on you.” gameofthrones_addict
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I kinda skipped all the rest after the first paragraph. You’re 36 and live by yourself.
That’s all you need. At first, I was going to say that you shouldn’t be paying for a dog until you paid your loan to your mom but when you said you could pay her in full NOW and she refused; I was done. She doesn’t get to choose when a loan is paid off. Give her the money (make sure you get a receipt or something) and be done with it.
I’m a dog person and have a little baby girl of my own (it’s my mom’s but we all know she’s mine, haha) so I do feel sad that you can’t take care of your mom’s because, yea, I’m sure it’s a major convenience for her, but sadly, that’s life. she needs to find a sitter.
At least until you can get your new puppy trained. If that means holding off on a few trips, so be it.” Sweet_Charming82
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, like others have said, not your dogs, not your problem. It sounds like you’re doing a great job with your current pup, have a good relationship with your vet, and are being careful financially.
Your mom, however, sounds like a dumpster fire of a pet owner. Her anti-shot stance with her dogs is frankly dangerous to other dogs and animals (distemper and rabies come to mind).
A suggestion: send a letter certified mail return receipt, with a final payment attempt, and state that if she doesn’t withdraw your check within 90 days, or returns the check to you, you’ll consider your loan obligation fulfilled.
She wants to keep this over your head so she can continue to use you as a pet sitter for as long as they’re alive, and this needs to end!” BikingAimz
15. AITJ For Taking Care Of My Neighbor's Kid?
“So my neighbor across the hallway has two sons (11M and 5M) who get home from school at different times. Within the span of one week, there have been two incidents where the eldest wasn’t allowing his kid brother to enter.
First incident: I had to call the police to report a ‘lost child’ because no one was answering the door and the kid was standing outside his door, knocking and crying his eyes out.
Youngin had no way of contacting anyone as he didn’t have a phone nor spare key to let himself in.
Second Incident: This happened more recently within the one-week span as the kid was left outside the door again, but this time there was a driver’s aid involved and she was annoyed, hitting on the door and such.
No answer at the door and I (29F) opened my door to see what was happening. The Driver’s Aid flat-out said that she would contact Child Protection Service should this situation repeat as this has been ongoing between the school and the mother. The aid allowed me to keep the kid at my place until the mother got home, even put up a note on the door.
2 hours passed, and still no luck with waking the eldest. Eventually, the eldest knocked on my door in a panic because he couldn’t find his kid brother, claiming to have woken up at 5:30 pm, looked for his brother, and didn’t see the note I left until 7 pm. The eldest had a friend with him at the time and I explained the situation to them.
The kids recognized the driver’s aid as a troublemaker and weren’t surprised that she had said that. The eldest was able to reach his mother and I tried to explain the situation, she hung up on me after I said the words ‘Child Protection Service’, saying she was coming home.
She got home not too long after and chaos was happening: yelling at her kids about not going into stranger’s home and then eventually yelling at me, claiming that I’m a total stranger (no, we ain’t… had discussed exchanging numbers and having spare key after 1st incident, never happened sadly).
I tried to explain what happened with the driver’s aid but the mother wouldn’t have any of it.
‘DO NOT TAKE MY KIDS INTO YOUR APARTMENT!!’, ‘HOW DARE YOU THREATEN ME WITH CHILD PROTECTION SERVICE!’, ‘I’M A SINGLE MOM TRYING TO RAISE TWO KIDS!’ are a few things she had yelled at me. I responded ‘I’m sorry’, ‘It won’t happen again’, just simply trying to de-escalate the situation.
Sadly, the mother just kept going: ‘I HAD TO QUIT MY JOB BECAUSE OF YOU!!’ I was immediately baffled on that…she could have asked to leave work early due to a family emergency instead of quitting? Her yelling got so bad, my mom came out to see what was happening. Angry mama started calming down and we left it at that.
Brokedown crying when inside my apartment because my anger and anxiety skyrocketed and was questioning whether I did the right thing.
I don’t know… am I the jerk for going out of my way to help my neighbor when they’re being threatened with CPS?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The kid was being hysterical and crying multiple times because his brother isn’t responsible and wouldn’t let him in.
That mom is leaving her kids in dangerous situations where that baby could have been kidnapped because he couldn’t get into his house.
You tried to be nice and help the kid and family out. I wouldn’t associate with her anymore for reacting like that. Instead of being grateful, her child is safe, she’s screaming at those who helped.” yukidaviji
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but with a caveat – thank you for looking out for the kid but honestly, you shouldn’t have taken a 5yo into your house.
If you were concerned, and you are right to be concerned, then call the police and wait outside with the child.
I know it’s not your job and I know you were only looking to protect the kid.
The 11-year-old is too young to be supervising a younger sibling. Especially this 11 yo who should have been at the door to receive the younger kid, not sleeping.
Good thing cps is involved, hopefully, they can help this family.” Princess-She-ra
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but that mom sure is. The 11-year-old isn’t responsible enough to be home without an adult if he’s sleeping so hard he can’t hear (or won’t respond to) his very young brother knocking on the door and howling in the hallway. I wouldn’t let the kiddo into your apartment either because this mom sounds volatile.
You didn’t do anything wrong, but I wouldn’t put yourself in an unsafe position where she could report you even though she’s the negligent one.
Also, the 11-year-old identified the aid as a troublemaker, which tells you the mom is likely badmouthing the aid and anyone else who’s supposed to be responsible for her kids when she’s failing to make the necessary arrangements for their care. Being a single parent is definitely hard, but she’s literally blaming everyone around her for her lack of planning and for not making safe arrangements for her kids. This will not end well. I’m sorry for the kids in this situation.” DillyCat622
14. AITJ For Sleeping In?
“I (23) moved back in with my parents due to quarantine. Basically, I’ve been struggling to wake up in the mornings probably due to feeling quite depressed (I am also on migraine medication which supposedly exacerbates depression). Recently I’ve been waking up at around midnight, and it’s really annoying my parents to the point where they’ve stopped talking to me.
Some relevant details:
I currently work 50+ hour weeks, my timings are from around 12 pm – 10 pm but sometimes go until midnight. This will probably only get worse as I recently got a promotion and will be expected to stay logged in longer
I do not pay rent as my parents don’t want me to, but I do pitch in for house expenses.
I would be willing to pay rent if they asked.
I help with household chores and cook for everyone often.
None of their work gets stopped or delayed when I wake up late. They hate it because they culturally believe that you are a horrible, wasteful person if you wake up late and that you are wasting time by doing so.
Also that it is bad for your health.
They don’t really believe in depression and think I am being stubborn or arrogant and am purposely ignoring their instructions/not obeying them. In their defense I have had sleep issues all my life, it used to be that I would sleep very less but in the last year, it’s become the opposite.
I’ve found myself sleeping for 14+ hours some days, taking naps even when I’ve slept a good 10+ hours that night
Sometimes I get a migraine the night before, which stays and gets worse by morning, so I end up sleeping in waiting for the migraine to leave.
I have stayed with them for 2 months so far.
I think I might be a jerk because at the end of the day I am living under their roof, and clearly, this is upsetting them. I really wish I could wake up early, I hate waking up this late and can’t help but agree with them (I just wish they wouldn’t get so angry). I have scheduled to see a doctor on my own without them knowing later this week, and I will probably be moving back to my city of work in another month.
I guess this post is more just for myself, to know if the guilt I’ve been feeling is justified.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s hard to be a second shift worker in a first shift world.
But I’m glad you’re seeing your doctor soon. Definitely have them run some blood work, too. What you’re describing with the headaches and low energy sounds a lot like how I feel when my iron gets super low, but it could be so many different things beyond just depression.
Or it could just be that you work a lot and we’re approaching two years of an exhausting health crisis. Either way, take care of yourself.” personofpaper
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You work from noon until 10 pm or even midnight. 1-2 hours after for downtime before bed is a good work-life/sleep separation. Assuming you need at least 8 hours of sleep at the very best you are not waking until 8 to 10 am.
But, right now you are dealing with depression and need extra. 10 am to noon is reasonable.
Your parents’ expectation that a night worker will just be able to wake early is very unreasonable. Them not speaking to you because of it makes them the jerks.
Make sure you keep your doctor’s appointment. Make sure doc rules out things like anemia and sleep apnea, both of which can cause you to need more sleep, which also, in my experience, exacerbates depression.” Senior-Term-635
13. AITJ For Not Putting Enough Effort On Christmas Day?
“I (30 pregnant F) and my husband (37m) have decided that this year for Christmas we are going to stay at home with our son (1 year old, currently the only grandchild for my side of the family). In years past we have always gone to both my in-laws and my family for Christmas Day. My husband and I have always had the goal to stay at home in our home with our family on Christmas Day.
We do not enjoy ramming around the county all day, and having a small child, it exhausts him and makes it hard for him to nap thus a miserable child.
This past year in June, we told both of our families that we will be staying home on Christmas day. My family’s response was ‘that’s OK, we totally understand, no problem.’ Now that the holiday season is here I have reached out to my family multiple times to ask when we could do Christmas as an extended family on another day, I have also made it known that my house will be open to anybody that wants to come to visit.
I will be making a Christmas dinner and I was sure the family will want to see my son. My brother seems to be fine with it. And this is when my mother my father and my sister have all begun to try and guilt me.
When I bring up that my parents started a tradition of staying home, I am told that wasn’t until we are teenagers and I am keeping my small child (soon to be children) from their house on Christmas Day.
Also that I am not putting in the effort like my parents did when they had young children. They refuse to set a different date to do Christmas altogether. They keep telling me I am the jerk because I am ruining Christmas for everyone else by being selfish and not coming to Christmas Day to my parents.
They have told me that I am making the holiday season depressing, and I am keeping my son from them. I am simply ruining the Holiday. I understand that this is a tradition for my parents and siblings, but I want to start a new tradition with my family. I am starting to feel the pressure, so I have to ask, AITJ.
edit- I offered Christmas on a different day once my mother began telling me that she didn’t think they would get together on Christmas Day if we ALL weren’t there, especially my son, that it was too sad without him. I encouraged my siblings to go to my parents’ Christmas Day, I am not stopping anyone else from going.
Just offered another day to keep the peace by still having a big family get together.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have no obligation to meet your parent’s expectation that you show up at their home for Christmas.
You and your family deserve to start your own traditions at your own home. And you have generously invited them to come to participate if they want to do so so there is no room for complaining.
My siblings and I used to all meet at my parents’ home on Christmas morning. Then I divorced and had to split Christmas vacation with one of us having my son the week before and one the week after, splitting Christmas day at noon to go with the other parent. That meant I couldn’t spend Christmas day, all day, with them anymore.
I suggested we spend either the day before or the day after (depending on when I had my son) as a family and that each nuclear family remained in their own homes on Christmas.
My siblings loved the idea because they were tired of opening gifts Christmas morning and then forcing their children into the car for the drive to the grandparent’s home instead of getting to play with their new toys.
My parents went along with it without a hassle too. They did come to my home most Christmas mornings to share it with my son so that it wasn’t just he and I. Plus, we lived closer to them while both sisters lived a 2-hour drive away so it was easier to join my little family.
Remember, you are not denying your parents or siblings the right to see your child. You are including them in your celebrations at your home, PLUS offering to join them at your parent’s home either the day before or the day after or whatever else works for everyone.” 77Megg77
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have a small child/baby (I’m not sure if that means 1 month or 1yo male) and traveling with tiny ones can get stressful.
It’s unreasonable IMO to even be expected to visit multiple places on the holiday as an adult. Perhaps in the future, you can switch off years who visits you for Christmas day and then visit the other one on Christmas eve? Put your foot down now because it is exhausting trying to keep babies and toddlers from touching things they’re not supposed to in a new place especially if they’re not babyproofed.
Deal with their frustration and upset and don’t give in or they’ll walk all over you regarding everything in the future.” NightNurse14
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve made it clear they are welcome to come to visit on the day and even offered to celebrate at theirs on another day! They sound bitter that they had to put up with the stress of it all these years, but it is not your fault that they didn’t know how to set boundaries for themselves at the time.
Luckily, you do! Just because they allowed themselves to be stressed out every year for the holidays doesn’t mean you’re being lazy for opting out of the stress. I hope you enjoy a relaxing day with your little one.” EmilyKills
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have your own family now. The facts are that their kids grew up and now have their own families.
If you all want to stay home on Christmas day, then they need to respect that. Sorry but they are now lower on the totem pole, and you do not need to get together on the actual Christmas Day. Get together with somebody on Christmas Eve get together with somebody else the day after Christmas. You don’t HAVE to get together that day.
And at this point, they’re refusing to schedule a different day to see you? They’re just being jerks and punishing you for deciding to stay home. Aside from all of that, you didn’t actually say that you were refusing to see anyone – you said that you wanted to be at your house. It sounds like you have actually invited them over for Christmas.
The claim that you’re keeping the grandson from them is ridiculous. If they want to see him, they can come over lol. If you wanted to keep the family peace, you could agree to see them in the afternoon? Have Christmas morning with just the three of you, and then go over to your parents’ house later to be with them for Christmas for lunch or dinner? Although that might open a can of worms with your husband’s family being upset that you said you didn’t want to go anywhere for Christmas and then actually ended up going to see your family…” SnooAvocados6720
12. AITJ Because Brother Can't Drive An Automatic Car?
“So I’ll start by saying I (23M) had nothing better to do and was finishing up on a house project outside. My brother (20M) was in the garage changing the oil for his car. He starts telling my mom (51F) who was outside next to me at the time that he cannot finish his oil change because he’s missing a part (not important to the story).
My mom tells him to go buy the part because they both had to go in about an hour. He states that he drained oil already and can’t until he gets the part. My mom turns to me and tells me to drive him to the auto parts store. I say: here are my keys he can borrow my car.
He states that he ‘can’t’ drive an automatic car because he’s not used to it.
I call him out on his lies because previously he needed a ride and I gave him my keys and he stated that it’s his personal preference to not drive automatic cars. My mom starts defending him with every excuse possible. ‘Well, this one time you wouldn’t even let us repark your car’ and ‘what if he crashes your car?’.
I tell her that I expect my family members to not be complete idiots and to know how to drive. So AITA? I feel like my brother is just being a child and my mother is coddling him. I don’t know how to drive manual though, but it seems crazy to me that because he’s been driving manuals for 4 years, he’s completely forgotten how to drive automatic (if that’s even possible).”
Another User Comments:
“ESH, slightly.
It would be to your brother’s benefit to become more comfortable with an automatic. Somehow the dynamic in your family is that no one can admit fear or weakness so instead, they lie?
You could have simply offered to give him a refresher with you in the passenger seat, to ensure he’s doing okay, and reassured him that if he really needs you to drive after that, that you’d of course do it, but you know he’s a good driver and you have faith he CAN get the hang of it after a 5 or 10-minute refresher.” Allimack
Another User Comments:
“It was poor planning on his side to start changing the oil without making sure he had everything necessary, but you also said you had nothing better to do.
Mom was also bossing you both without contributing to a solution. What I’m trying to say is that ESH.” adesb
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I drove stick for years and switched just fine to automatic. The only thing is occasionally forgetting on the highway and accidentally slamming on the brakes instead of the clutch when you’re trying to downshift, but other than that, he absolutely should not have an issue.” Wren1101
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna go light YTJ here because I’m not convinced it’s a personal preference vs actually being uncomfortable with it.
If he’s not comfortable operating a car he’s not used to, I respect him for not putting himself and others in danger by taking it on the road.” dcm510
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Have I accidentally slammed on the brakes in an automatic car because I’m so used to pressing on the clutch in a manual? Yes, absolutely. But I didn’t suddenly forget that gas means go and brake means stop. He’s being ridiculous.” personofpaper
11. AITJ For Not Allowing My Parents To Stay At My House?
“I want to preface this by saying that I love my parents dearly and do video calls weekly with my daughters. Both my husband and I work full time, have 2 girls (one of which has additional medical needs), a dog, a cat, and own our lovely home. We do our best to do it all – home-cooked meals, clean clothes, enriching activities with the kids.
But sometimes the dishes from dinner don’t get done until morning, or sweeping is put off until the weekend, or groceries are put away messily. Basically, everyone is clean, healthy, and loved with food and a roof but chores aren’t 100% kept on top of.
Whenever they visit, the nagging starts. The place is ‘filthy’ because we didn’t dust on top of the refrigerator or because there’s water spots on the mirror.
They nag about the food I make, the way I parent my toddler, even how I walk the dog. I’ve told them multiple times that I don’t appreciate their ‘advice’, everyone is happy and it’s just stressing me out to try to be perfect, but they still make the occasional comment.
So I told them since they’re obviously uncomfortable at my house, they don’t have to stay here and if they come to visit they can stay at a hotel.
Because of my baby’s medical condition, we can’t easily travel to them (they live in a different state), so they come to us. They are now upset with me because they’re already paying for travel expenses and we’re ‘Keeping them from their grandchildren’.
AITJ for not letting them stay at my house?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
My aunt once told me a story that occurred sometime in the 70s.
She was going out with some guy for a while and he came to her apartment.
They were standing in the kitchen, and he said, ‘You know, the top of your fridge is filthy.’
She handed him the cleaning supplies and told him since he could see the top of the fridge, he could clean it.
Apparently, he gave her a funny look but did it.
And they didn’t see each other that much after that.
My aunt was not sad about that.” LadyCiani
Another User Comments:
“100% absolutely NTJ. They sound judgmental and horrible. They either be grateful to stay in your home and be with you all and keep their mouths shut or they stay at a hotel. Frankly, I’d get really serious with them and state your family is fine and well-cared for and if they can’t say anything nice then they will no longer be welcome to visit even if they stay in a hotel.
Tell them you all are adults you have your own lives and priorities and if they can’t keep criticisms to themselves about your life, then you don’t want to see them.” disney_nerd_mom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – my MIL/FIL once tried to take me to task about my ‘dingy’ kitchen floors. The house was older and the kitchen had the original linoleum that had yellowed with age.
While they went out to dinner with my husband and kids, I went to Home Depot and bought tiles, grout, a tile saw, etc. I went home and packed their luggage and then proceeded to rip up the linoleum in the kitchen. When they returned from dinner, I told them that they didn’t have to worry about the dingy floor anymore because they would be staying in a hotel the rest of their visit.
I spent the rest of their visit laying a brand new tile floor and backsplash. They never stayed at my home again.” WindowLicker1864
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – My mom and dad can’t seem to keep their filters on. It use to injure me to no end. It’s just their nature to be critical. The key is finding a way that doesn’t bother you.
Like some have suggested let them clean and cook and say wow that’s a good job. Or shrug and think butts and go about your day. Remember those that have a critical voice always have an even more critical voice about themselves in their heads. If you think it’s hard to live with their criticism just imagine the toxic voices in their heads they live with 24×7. That said if you can’t do that, your boundary of a hotel is a good one. Don’t let it in your house if it makes you miserable.” Sensitive-Stock-9805
Your parents should be happy that 'their grandchildren' are having a good life
10. AITJ For Telling The Person Who Parked In My Spot To Move?
“I am a resident director on a university campus and oversee an apartment-style residence hall. The semester is over now but there are still some students left on campus. Each residence hall has at least two spots reserved for RDs. The spots are very clearly marked with a sign that says ‘reserved for RDs- enforced 24/7’.
There have been a few instances this year of people parking in one of the two RD spaces near my residence. I do not have a Co RD in my residence hall so when this has happened I’ve just reported them to parking enforcement.
However, this afternoon there were two cars parked in the RD spots. Parking enforcement is only open and working 9-5 during the weekdays so I couldn’t contact them and the University police weren’t helpful (which is typical) so I took it upon myself to try and find the owner of at least one of the cars so I could park on my spot.
I went to the apartments that I saw lights on in. I put my university housing polo and name tag on to make it clear I was official University housing.
I found the person who had parked in my spot in the third apartment I went to. They were very rude when I asked them to move their car and refused to do it.
I told them they didn’t have a choice. I called the RD on duty to come to help me but before they arrived UPD arrived because the resident had called them. The resident claimed I was harassing him and making a big deal over a parking spot.
The officer did make them move reluctantly but after I finished up with he said, I can’t believe I had to come out for this thing.” AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for doing what you needed to do to get your parking space.
I can’t say whether you were rude or threatening enough to have crossed a real line, but the main AH was the person who admittedly parked in your spot and refused to move.
If parking enforcement only works weekdays 9-5 then the university is implying that parking rules are only enforceable during those hours, which is a problem if parking is limited and people think parking is a free-for-all during evenings and weekends.
Maybe the university needs to change their signage or give people like yourself better tools to deal with parking infractions like this if they aren’t willing to pay parking enforcement during off-hours.” Allimack
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Not your fault they ignored the sign. People are entitled when it comes to parking for some reason.
I see other people saying YTJ if there were other spots available, but they could have just as easily not parked in a reserved spot then.
I once had a woman pull up and park in front of my driveway (I was standing outside watering). I said ‘hey you’re blocking my driveway’ and she told me to ‘get lost and call the cops’… so I did.
She came back screaming when she saw the cops. She was going on about how she lost her job and begged the cops not to write her the $80 ticket.
I even had the option to have her car towed. Just an example of how people act upset even when they’re in the wrong.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’ve done the same thing at my apartment building. The reason why is that I have no way of knowing if the person will leave their car there for hours or days.
And it’s my space that I paid for; there isn’t a lot of available parking. That resident was a jerk. They were trying to intimidate you into letting them steal your spot. The last time I knocked on doors, I also left a note on the person’s car saying I’d have their car towed if they parked there again.” ComprehensiveBand586
Another User Comments:
“At my work, security has these large 8.5 x 11-inch stickers that get attached to passenger’s side windows with the phrase ‘YOU ARE ILLEGALLY PARKED’ on them.
The stickers only come off with water. I would recommend printing a bunch of those up and shamming those that park there. Also, the comment on if parking enforcement is only open 9-5 pm, which means parking is only enforceable in those times is accurate. They should allow you to get those vehicles towed if they are in the wrong spots.
NTJ.” dellaevaine
9. AITJ For Not Breaking Store Policy For A Disabled Woman?
“I used to work customer service at a pretty well-known electronics store in my town. It was the only place other than Walmart where you could get the latest tech. I’d been working here for around a year and I was in the process of becoming a manager. So I knew what I was doing. It was the holidays, so we have a very strict ‘no holding stock or telling stock numbers over the phone’.
I had a customer call me asking me if we had any iPod touches in stock. We’re gonna call her Jane. I told her ‘Per store policy I can’t tell you the exact number, but we have a few in stock.’ We had 198 iPods so they definitely weren’t getting sold out by the time she got there.
She went on to say ‘Well I’m disabled and I NEED you to hold me one.’ Not wanting to get in trouble, since I was working on becoming a manager, I told her ‘I’m sorry. I can’t hold it for you –‘. Jane cuts me off and starts yelling ‘I AM DISABLED! I can’t stand around all day waiting.
ITS ILLEGAL for you not to accommodate me’.
I was a little annoyed at being snapped at so soon, but customer service was my job so I said ‘Okay, you can order one on the app for pick up and I’ll have a chair for you to use during the pick-up process. The pick up takes –.’ She cuts me off and starts yelling again.
She wants to pay in full so that won’t work. She’s getting more annoyed on the phone and asks me for my manager. I walkie the manager but want to de-escalate this on my own. So I go ‘Well, how long will it take you to get her? I can have a salesperson waiting for you, we can get you a chair, and it should take less than 10 minutes for him to grab it and ring you up.’
This is where Jane gets even madder.
She goes ‘I TOLD YOU I want your MANAGER you OBVIOUSLY don’t know what it’s like to be disabled and I find this SO DISRESPECTFUL. YOU’RE JUST LAZY AND DON’T WANT TO DO YOUR JOB’. I felt like I was being more than lenient with the policy but Jane talks to my manager who ends up holding her one.
I also got a write-up! Jane told my manager I gave her an attitude. My manager finished the call and I ended up ringing her when she got to the store. She told me ‘Wow, you’re so much nicer than the girl I talked to on the phone.’
I was told the write-up was for not properly accommodating Jane.
Am I the a-hole for not doing what Jane originally wanted? Should I have done what Jane originally asked and broken the store policy? Or was I right by offering other accommodations within the policy?”
Another User Comments:
“Managers who undermine their employees are… well what they aren’t is managers. They are cowards (sounds dramatic but I’m not finding a more apt word choice) filling the role of manager and doing it poorly.
The worst part is it just invites more of this kind of behavior, making the place a more and more miserable place to work.
I think for this particular situation, I would assume this is an update to the store policy, and any time someone requests something be held for them, tell them that (managers name) can authorize that – put them on hold for the manager and carry on.
Just keep switching it up to whatever the last call the manager makes, then when it comes up in review – just state that the manager has been very unclear and constantly changing the policy. Bonus points if you record the dates/transactions.” dracoda
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… (Used to be a service manager in retail) Your manager is the jerk here for asking you to provide their feedback to the customer after an upset customer ALREADY specifically asked to speak with them.
My favorite line used to be ‘I’m sooooo sorry! I’m not authorized to go against company policy, but my manager may be able to help you. Let me call them for you.’ It’s just not possible to negotiate with some customers, and for those customers, it’s often best to pass them off to people who get paid the ‘big bucks’ for managing these customers.
Keep up the good work!” Imaginary-Runner
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Get it clarified in writing that you were written up because you refused to break store policy and hold an item because a woman told you she was disabled. So now in the future, if someone tells you they are disabled you have to hold the item, correct? When they say yes start telling people on the phone ‘our store policy is that we cannot hold items for you unless you claim to be disabled.
Obviously, I will in no way need proof of a disability, but that is the only way you can have me hold an item for you. So, just let me know if you would like me to hold that for you.’ If they say yes, they want you to hold it for them, obviously they are disabled.
Malicious compliance!” Double-dutcher
Another User Comments:
“Being disabled doesn’t mean you get whatever you want. She isn’t being refused service, you literally giving her options. Also, even if you did hold one for her, still is going to have to wait to pay if others are in line waiting to checkout. So I don’t see how that makes that faster for her than just ordering it online and doing a pickup. I don’t know if you were unionized or not but I would have refused to sign the write-up and asked to speak with my union representative .” Midnight_Dreary_Mari
8. AITJ For Resenting My Mother For Forgetting My Father?
“I (24 f) lost my father 6 years ago, I was 17 at the time, my mother (49f) was 42. Losing a partner or parent is devastating and up till a few years ago I couldn’t even talk about my father without bursting into tears, we can chalk this up to unresolved trauma since I was forcefully shipped off to camp 8 days after his death by my mother (This is a long story for another time).
I have made some progress with therapy and time, but I still miss him dearly and often think of him and end up crying or listening to a song and end up thinking of him.
Here’s where I think I’m the jerk. My mother has a new person in her life. I fully support them and encourage her to do whatever she likes without letting society or anyone judge her.
However, I often think that she’s forgetting my father. She’s very comfortable with the idea of him not being alive anymore. She doesn’t talk about him or dismisses me when I talk about him. She doesn’t try to comfort me when I’m crying and often brushes it off saying it’s been enough time and I need to move on in life.
The only time she misses him is on big days (his birthday, death anniversary, their wedding anniversary).
I know that forgetting is a part of grieving and that I shouldn’t feel bad. But sometimes I find myself thinking that I may be the only one still reeling from his loss and that now that she has someone else she’s been able to make up for the vacuum of my father.
Whereas I somewhere still am the girl who lost her dad at 17. This is where I end up resenting her and getting upset with her. I never say anything to her directly but I do shut myself away creating a wall between us. She doesn’t try to reach out either.
So AITJ”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – While it’s painful, grief is processed differently.
And forgetting isn’t a part of grief, the typical stages of grief are shock or disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and acceptance/hope. People go through them in different orders, sometimes repeating stages, and at different paces. Just because your mom reached acceptance doesn’t mean she’s forgotten him. A large part of her life was with your father.
But, it means that it’s not a part of her identity. She probably remembers privately, by herself. Any grief she has remaining, is likely a personal thing now that she wants to live again. And she’s not a jerk for wanting that, nor are you one for still processing through it.
While it would be nice if she reached out and comforted you, she might feel it as pressure to join you in the stages again.
Time is a precious commodity, you can’t get it back once you’ve spent it. She knows how fleeting it is, she lost a love that she thought would be around forever, now she knows if she doesn’t live, she won’t. Let her, encourage her to. And continue through your stages. It will always hurt a little, and you will be reminded of things you miss and get sad.
But, try to live too.” elvaholt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You still need to handle your grief and process it. You clearly haven’t processed the loss and how to live with the grief yet.
I watched someone close to me in my family lose their husband a couple of months ago and immediately after his passing away she wasn’t crying etc she just carried on with the funeral arrangements, helping her grown kids deal with the loss of their father, etc but it doesn’t mean she didn’t care.
Once the funeral was done she had time to try and live with the grief.
Some of my aunts were in their teens when they lost their dad to a heart attack, they had to learn to grow up without a father, deal with grief, etc too. They don’t talk much about him but it doesn’t mean that they don’t care or don’t love him.
Grief is a difficult one to deal with, not everyone grieves the same. I tend to stay strong for a couple of months then I have anxiety attacks etc because I didn’t deal with the grief properly too. My friend lost her mum a few days ago and she is a wreck. The point of these stories is that people handle losing someone close to them in different ways.
I think you need to still continue therapy but for grief and handling how to lose a parent.
It may feel your mum has forgotten him but you can’t expect her to be alone forever and it doesn’t mean she has forgotten him. I’m sure she still thinks about him just not openly as you would prefer.” missteacher2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It sounds like your mom does miss him since you mention her reaction to his birthday, the anniversary of his passing away, and their wedding anniversary. It sounds like she misses him plenty but this day-to-day avoidance is her coping strategy. You seem to have processed your grief differently from her and while you can think about him day to day, she finds that difficult.
Did your mom get therapy for her grief? She might benefit from more time with a therapist. You two might benefit from some family therapy together as well. I can’t imagine losing my father as young as you did. I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are coping well.” protoseam
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
We grieve in different ways and that is ok. It seems you are resenting her for moving on but I don’t judge you for it. It was a big trauma for you and your post screams you have not healed yet. Does not mean you have to forget him, let him go by any means. The same goes for her.
It does not mean she stopped loving him or losing him pains her any less. You can feel all that and still move on. Even finding a new guy could have been difficult for her, fear of betraying your dad, feeling lonely, and torn between grieving and right to be happy again and questioning her are painful which is why she might be brushing it off.
Instead of judging each other’s way of dealing with your loss start with taking that wall down. You lost your dad but your mum is still present and you have to accept she is trying to be happy. Tell her how you miss her. You need to straighten that bond. You can still carry dear memories but don’t waste the time you have with your mom. That is how you move on. Tell her how much she means to you. That is how you heal. Both. It will not diminish the memory of your dad but will connect you two. Tell her how much you love her and appreciate her. You heal pain with love.” Least_Conference2617
7. WIBTJ If I Told Husband To Stop Buying Video Games As Gifts?
“I (f36) love my husband (m40). He is kind and good and an amazing dad. We are the parents of two beautiful children (2yrs old and 4 months old)
My husband is a gamer, and I’m okay with it. For the most part, he’s good at only gaming on his downtime. He doesn’t ignore us or anything to play.
He’s pretty good about waiting for the kids to go to bed, etc.
My issue is he wants me to game too. When I was young I was all about Mario and Donkey Kong. I even bought a Nintendo Wii in college. But that’s when my interests faded. I now like to read, binge docuseries, or just be by myself in the bathtub.
(A rare occasion when you’re a mom of two needy babies.) I don’t have the time to play video games. He wants me to play with him, but honestly, the little bit of downtime I have I’d like to spend doing things I enjoy.
I love that he wants us to do things together. But the past few games he’s bought me, he has played for hours, and I’ve maybe done an hour or two here and there.
But he really is trying to get me a good gift. In his mind, this is something we can do together. But we just don’t have time to do stuff like that atm. I just end up getting mad that he’s playing my games while I’m busy cleaning the houses etc.
So WIBTJ if I asked him to stop buying me video games?”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think you’d be the jerk at all.
You deserve to get gifts that appeal to your interests, not his, even if his intentions are good. It’s a bit like a husband giving lingerie as a gift – if it’s something the wife really wants and has expressed interest in receiving, it can work, otherwise, it’s really a gift for him labeled as a gift for you.
Talk to him and explain why it upsets you, then offer up some alternative gift ideas based on your interests (a good book, some nice bath salts/bombs, etc).
As an unsolicited P.S., it doesn’t seem right to me that you’re cleaning the house while he’s gaming. Assuming you don’t clean for fun, that isn’t really downtime for you — it sounds like there’s some room for him to be helping out a bit more and gaming a bit less.” themarinaki
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I could have written this.
My husband has gifted me many things video game-related, that I literally never touched but he loved. Even when I like the gift, he somehow ends up with it. Just last year he got me a wireless controller, and it wouldn’t pair with my computer so he took it and I got his old dirty wired one.
He is now given a wish list and a limit on how much he can spend, and I am all but done with gifts to and from people. And I am very straightforward about the fact I WILL return a gift if I feel it’s a waste, or not really for ME.” AnarchyAcid
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and honestly, NJH.
From what info you’ve given, he’s trying to have something y’all can do together. Should you talk to him about how you’re not into games like he is? Absolutely, 100%. Communicate with him. Also, if he’s getting you gifts that you two can do together that he likes, you should do the same. Find something you like that a couple can do and make that your gift to him.
Quality time is apparently a love language for him so steer into it. Make this a positive, OP. Did I want to watch Vampire Diaries? No. And my ex and I loved ripping on bad television. This is why I have no problem saying that Stefan is the far lesser brother and barely a likable character.
These are the things you do for love.” GingerMarquis
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Sounds like there are a couple of issues here.
First, you said he only plays in ‘his downtime’ after the kids have gone to bed, but then you said he’s playing while you’re doing all the housework and that’s leading to resentment. That’s not him playing during his downtime.
That’s him playing during his he-should-be-doing-his-half-of-the-housework-too time. When the jobs are halved, they’ll only take up half as much of your time, and then you BOTH get your actual downtime. Maybe in the time that you gain from him actually doing his share, you could agree to put that time towards playing a game together? That way you keep the time you previously had, you get some support in being a responsible adult and maintaining your (joint!) house, he gets to be a responsible adult in his (joint!) house AND he gets to play some games with you.
The second issue is it sounds like he’s not buying games for you, he’s buying games for him. There are great co-op games now like It Takes Two on the PS5, Mario Party on the Switch, etc – these sound like they’d be more up your street? If he wants you to play games, he needs to buy games you actually want to play.
I assume these aren’t like actual birthday and Christmas presents, right? Because if they are then that’s totally wrong, he should be buying gifts that you will want, not gifts for himself that you might occasionally have a go on. If he doesn’t know what to get you all he needs to do is ask.” User
Another User Comments:
“NJH.
I honestly feel I could have written this post myself. My husband is the same way. He has bought consoles and different games all in an effort to get me to game more with him, but after an hour or so I’m done for the day(or week even). I just don’t love it as much as he does.
He did get me a switch last year, and I did play animal crossing a lot while I was pregnant and exhausted. Now with a 5-month-old, I have other things I would rather do in the downtime actually get like. Reading my stack of books, I will be waiting.
I get where he is coming from, he loves gaming and wants me to love it too so we can do it together.
Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work that way. Hopefully, you guys can find something else to do together (we love playing board games, gamer enough for him, enough reading for me)
Your husband can see your side of this and doesn’t take it personally, hours and hours of gaming is not for everybody!” tooreallizzerd
Another User Comments:
“NJH. It’s a bonding thing.
My husband is the same way. He just wanted me to enjoy something he loves so much with him, he wanted to share it. The only thing is, he would just tell me about the games and see if it got my attention, he wouldn’t buy them first and hope for it. And wouldn’t you know, I came to him wanting to play Animal Crossing and he was over the moon! We actually bought a second switch so we could play together (I’m really bad at games where you need controllers.
Bad hand/eye coordination.)
Maybe if he helped you out around the house more, you’d both get something you want: you would have less cleaning and more time, and he would get to share the gaming experience with you. I also have two small kids and we’ve made it work.
We’ve also dedicated days to certain activities after they’ve gone to bed: Mon/Tues is reading, Wed/Thur is gaming (any gaming, I happen to love card games and Catan), Friday is self-care day, Sat/Sun is free for all. And we don’t have to do those things every day, it was just something we decided to try, to make sure we were spending quality time together but also made time for our own hobbies.” littleredteacupwolf
6. AITJ For Starting A Family War And Ruining The Holidays For Everyone?
“On Thanksgiving, my family took group photos (I was not there, not for lack of trying, it just would’ve been too late when I got there in the end), and in one my stepdad (SD), who was in the very middle, made a hand sign. These photos were posted to social media by SD and the sister and on SDs profile his friends started to crack jokes referencing the sign.
When I saw this I was alarmed and then got worried about my family not being aware and the potential implications of this being online (aware of SD being a pos but helpless). I felt that I should make sure everyone in the photos was aware. I did not expect everyone to have been aware and wasn’t sure how many would be okay with it.
Most of them have very good jobs so even if they turned out to be I thought that they would at least care for that reason. And in any case, I assumed an easy fix would have been for the photos to be removed or altered, with no issue.
There were issues. My sister and SD admitted knowing and not caring, I said okay and backed off.
A cousin then blew up because she had no clue and was appalled. The rest of the family blew up because they didn’t know or care now that they did and thought we were being dramatic because “no one else would and it’s not that big of a deal”. SD and sister then tried to deescalate group chat madness by saying that just because I say the sign means x doesn’t mean it does, etc.
Heavily trying to turn the situation around on me. I sent a text to chat about what I originally saw and told him to F off. He then deleted the post. Cousin researched symbols, sent a text and pointed out that they admitted knowing before.
Everyone has been mad at my cousin and me for the last week.
I’m mad that they flipped a switch on me. I’ve been labeled a war-starter, dramatic, called two-faced, invalidated, and ignored. By everyone. My mom started off saying it was all unnecessary because no one could get in trouble but her husband anyway. Then said that I shouldn’t have cared because I wasn’t in the picture. My explanation was ignored.
And when I told her I was even more upset that SD and sister tried to crap on me she denied that that happened and when I screen recorded the original conversation and circled the messages in red for her she chose to not respond and ignored me for a week only to then message me like nothing ever happened.
My SD deleted me on social media, I blocked him and everyone else. Sister told me not to call her ever again. SD recently messaged everyone but cousin and me apologizing (in different group chat) because he was ‘goofing off and didn’t mean to start a mess’. Cousin was told about it and got more mad bc he apologized to everyone he didn’t offend.
He caught wind and copied, pasted, and sent her the same msg. I’ve gotten nothing. He did edit & repost photos online, sister left originals up. The entire family is now at odds about Christmas as well, as some people refuse to go after this situation. Myself included.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you and your cousin will likely be spending Christmas together, alone.
Pointing it out the first time was fine. Sending rebuttals and copies of messages circled in red was over the top and just not worth it. Once you told the unsuspecting people in the picture about the hand signal, you did enough. They’re all adults capable of investigating on their own and believing – or not – the bs your SD was shoveling. I’d go NC until next year sometime and let them all enjoy each other’s company without you.” NGDGUnpunished
5. WIBTJ If I Submit A Noise Complaint?
“I (22NB) just moved into my first apartment (1 bedroom) 6 months ago. While it’s great in location (close to family and friends and public transit so I can get to work easy) my upstairs neighbors aren’t the best people to live under. Ever since I moved in, they’ve (it’s a couple who live together) been incredibly loud.
I can hear every step they take in their apartment. Whenever they argue, I can hear every word and it’s usually early in the morning (around 2 am – 5 am).
A lot of it I’ve written off as normal apartment living that I can’t control. It sucks, but there’s nothing I can do about them being loud.
The one thing that has me debating sending a noise complaint or at least trying to talk to them about is their dog. It’s incredibly loud almost all hours of the day. It hits around on the floor quite loud and it happens all the time. It will crash and wrestle with its toy and you can hear its nails scratching along the floor (it’s happening while I type this).
When I’m not working from home, it’s fine, but people on Zoom have started to complain to me that the noise is distracting.
The worst thing is that, at night, my neighbors will put the dog in a cage. The dog HATES the cage. For hours, it will shake the cage back and forth and rattle it.
It will whimper for hours, and all I hear is the owner yelling for it to stop. I honestly feel really bad for the dog. They’ll also lock it in the bathroom where it will whimper and scratch at the door and the tiles for hours.
The noise keeps me up late into the night all the time because happens almost every night.
Sometimes I’ll be up until 1 am because the dog is so loud, or I’ll be woken up from the dog shaking the cage. I’ve tried noise-canceling headphones but I can still hear the noise and can’t sleep. I have to wake up early to clock into work at 8:00 am, so it sucks losing sleep.
I talked to my family and friends about it, especially because when I have people over they hear the noise firsthand. Most of my family thinks that I should submit a noise complaint or post a note on their door, but my older brother rolls his eyes when I mention it and thinks that I should leave it alone.
Would I be the jerk if I submitted a noise complaint or left a note on their door about the noise? Or should I just live with it?
I may be the jerk because it’s their apartment and they have the right to make noise. Especially for what I would be complaining about, it’s their dog and there might not be much to do about it.’
Another User Comments:
“I think YWBTJ if you file a noise complaint without talking to them first.
It’s obvious the walls are thin and the apartment is 90% of the problem, so it is completely possible your neighbors are not even aware of this problems.
Starting this with a note on the door (super passive-aggressive move) or a noise complaint (directly antagonizing) is gonna make it worse FOR YOU.
Be civil. Go upstairs at a time you know they are at home, talk to them nicely and explain the dog thing at night.
Tell them the walls are really thin, and to please try and keep the yelling at a minimum, especially during sleep time.
Now, if that doesn’t work, file the noise complaint.” Jan4th3Sm0l
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Most apartment complexes have quiet hours that usually start around dinner time and end roughly after 8 am. For example, the apartment my wife and I lived in had a no noise policy that started at 8 pm and went to 8 am with a specification that you could not continue moving into or out of your apartment past 10 pm through the entire week.
Usually, the quiet hours coincide with noise pollution laws for the city. That being said, not every dog is an apartment dog. And remember that you ALSO pay to live there. So filing a noise complaint won’t make you the jerk here, especially if they are being that loud through the entire night or neglecting their pet.
If this was in the middle of the day, I would say let it go. But it’s not. NTJ.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ: The arguing at 3 in the morning is the only one that’s really complainable, but also, that’s poor building construction and a normal risk of apartment living. Crate training a dog can be emotionally draining at the best of times, especially if it has any kind of attachment anxieties.
Some of my dogs loved their crates and quickly acclimated to them. Others hated their crates and would cry and whine and try to escape at first. It can take time to get a dog broken of those habits, and, frankly, there’s nothing they can do about it in the meantime (though, yelling at the dog is never helpful, even if it can be understandable, when frustrated).
It’s one of those things where, it sucks for everyone, like when a baby just won’t stop crying. They’re probably not that thrilled with the dog making that noise, either, but what would you actually like them to do about it, beyond ‘get rid of the dog’? The way you get a dog to stop crying in its crate is by being consistent, continuing to use the crate, and working on the training to try to make it like the crate, but that’s a slow process.” Samael13
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ.
Most of this simply suggests your building has poorly insulated walls and ceilings that allow a lot of sounds through. Arguing in the middle of the night is the only thing that makes me pause. But unless it sounds like domestic violence is occurring I would stay out of it. The dog is clearly being crate trained and that is hard work.
It honestly sounds like you are experiencing a pretty normal apartment issue. Lots of apartments have ‘thin walls’. You could look for another place and specifically get a place with soundproofing between the walls. You could get to know your neighbors and then subtly drop the hint that you can hear their lives from your apartment. You could ask to be moved to a different apartment (if possible). But calling the authorities and complaining is a bit extreme.” protoseam
4. AITJ For Telling My Partner To Report A Harassing Coworker?
“My significant other (F27) and I (M29) have been together for four years now. Both of us are feminists/big on women’s rights, she’s is the first to call out chauvinists/misogynists in public or when she hears something out of line and is not afraid of confrontation. She has recently been hired by a planning firm which was originally founded by her father, it is more or less certain that one day she will become the CEO of the company once the old CEO (her father) retires.
While other women work there too, the higher positions are predominately held by men (relevant later).
Recently, we were coworking (home-office) and she had the phone on speaker while talking with a long-time business partner (worked with her father 15+ years). The tone was upbeat, just talking business when out of the blue, the guy says ‘Oh (significant other’s name) if I was 20 years younger, I’d get to work siring the next generation of planers with you.’ My significant other laughs it off, and he resumes talking shop as if nothing happened.
Soon after, the call ends.
Me: ‘That was absolutely DISGUSTING! A mid-forties married man with two daughters just casually drops that he wants to sleep with you?’
S/O: ‘Oh, he means no harm by it. It’s a male-dominated workspace, they say things like this to all the women there. It’s their way of being nice. Yes, they’re idiots, but it’s okay, don’t worry about it’.
I get upset because I can’t understand why she, of all people, isn’t already on the phone with HR to get him fired for harassment. She tells me that comments like this appear out of the blue without warning and that these guys are already back to business before she can even process what has happened.
Also, it’s different when it’s you who is the victim instead of someone else who she can defend.
I say these guys won’t learn and will continue to harass unless they learn their actions have real consequences. However, she continues to play down the situation and claims she doesn’t want to rock the boat until she shut me down and told me to drop it.
Now, he is in a higher-up position than her and has seniority, so my theory is she’s
a) afraid of losing her job or ruining ‘the vibe’ at work should she say something
b) afraid of a long-time business partner getting fired and inadvertently destroying her fathers business and legacy
While currently, the harassment seems to be limited to sleazy remarks, I’m afraid that if no one says anything these guys will continue to test their boundaries.
How long until they start groping people or demanding inappropriate favors?
I feel like she should report this behavior, yet she makes me feel like I am in the wrong for thinking so and that this is something women just have to deal with, and it hurts me because in any other case, she’d have my back on this.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She knows what the environment is like at her work. If it’s a male-dominated workspace… who is to say part of it is that in places like that women don’t tend to be believed. As a woman a lot of times it’s easier to laugh off remarks like that rather than make a big deal about it as well because then we are told we are too sensitive or making a big deal out of nothing.
There are some men who get really nasty when told something they said isn’t appropriate as well. I think her explanation if ‘it’s a male-dominated workspace, they say things like this…’ tells a lot about the situation. If men are in a lot of the higher-up positions… are they going to take action against their fellow male coworkers when it’s something it sounds like they all do?” bookishlysassy
Another User Comments:
“In the abstract, it would always be better if every victim could report and deal with this sort of behavior, and it’s perfectly reasonable to advocate for that principle.
But real life is messy, and there can be any number of reasons why someone might choose not to, or feel unable to, follow that principle. If you put actual pressure on this actual person to actually do something that doesn’t want to, then YTJ.
But the productive approach here probably isn’t pressured anyway, it supports. Tell her that you’re there to support her in dealing with this however she chooses to, then do so.
If your support enables her to tackle it, great. If not, then you’re still making her feel better rather than worse.” _ewan_
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. As a woman working in a male-dominated field, I get more than my fair share of these comments. I hate it. My female colleagues hate it, but our hands are tied. We’ve talked about reporting it, but the fact is these comments are so common and typically said in jest, that we would be seen as the problem by upper management and no one trusts HR to protect us.
Reporting it would label us as overly sensitive, drama queens, and ‘one of those types’. These are the facts. It’s not fair. But this is what women, especially those in male-dominated fields, have to put up with. Demanding that your partner do something about it, is solving the problem from a place of male privilege. Realistically, most women do not have this luxury.” oktodls12
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You put your own outrage over her feelings. You’re not supporting her or helping her – you’re oversimplifying an extremely complex situation. You’re actually adding to the slew of men’s feelings she has to juggle by centering your own feelings over hers.
It’s always different when it happens to you. And this didn’t actually happen to you, so step off and let her make her own decisions.
Also – how long until they grope someone or otherwise?
They’re old. They’ve been here a long time if they worked with her father. If they wanted to do that and thought they could, then they would already. That has nothing to do with your gf deflecting a few inappropriate comments so she can get back to business.” Massive-Emergency-42
Another User Comments:
“This is a tricky one cause I’m trying to see this from both sides (yours and your partner) cause what she says is true.
It is 100% different when you’re the victim than when your someone just standing on the sidelines.
I’m going to say a bit of YTJ. The business partner sucks for obvious reasons. You on the other hand suck for your white Knight complex, don’t get me wrong it’s great that you stand by your gf and want to defend her from any creep that pops up.
But this is her battle to fight, she is the one who works on that business, not you, she is the one who will have to face the repercussions of any action taken not you. She is the one who has known this guy for years (presumably) and has a better idea of who he really is not you.
The best thing you can do is stand by your girl’s side support her and maybe voice your opinion (unless she asks for your thoughts then you obviously express them) not shame her into going to HR and potentially nuking her entire future in the company she works at and possibly even her industry.” Apgamerwolf
3. AITJ For Playing Poker With My Brother-In-Law?
“So, I’m currently on vacation with my husband and some of his family. The men in his family love playing poker with extremely high stakes. They’ve been playing every night and my husband has been on a winning streak the entire time.
A few days ago, my brother-in-law asked me if I wanted to play since I was watching them.
I said yes but my husband got super serious and said that I couldn’t play with them. I wanted to play because I’ve never played before but my husband said he would teach me later so I dropped it.
Then yesterday almost everyone was gone and my brother-in-law asked me if I wanted him to teach me.
I said yes and we played until everyone came back and my husband was fuming when he saw us. We ended up going into our room and having an argument because he was so angry. He reminded me that he had told me not to play with his brother/family so he wanted to know why I had done it behind his back.
He’s not usually an angry person and I’ve never seen him be angry at his brother before but he even swore at him when he tried to explain we were only playing for fun and told him to get out of his face. Even my FIL was upset at my BIL and told him off.
I didn’t think it would be a big deal but AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You don’t try and jump into a high-stakes poker game if you’ve never played before. I would be annoyed too; at you and my brother trying to rope a newbie fresh fish in to roll them for moolah. That’s probably why your husband was so angry. Who knows, maybe the brother was trying to make back some of his losses to your husband by roping you in.” RepresentativeOk5968
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your husband is acting like an irrational AH. It’s not acceptable for him to yell at you like this over something like learning a card game. It sounds like he hasn’t been honest with you about his reasons for not wanting you to learn the game from your BIL. Regardless, this is a card game, and your husband has no right to order you to not learn it and has no right to yell at you about it.
He owes you an apology. Playing a game is not a betrayal or something that you’re sneaking around and doing ‘behind his back’ – his reaction is totally out of line and very disrespectful of you, an adult person.” ghostforest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think your husband is protecting you but being terribly bad at explaining himself.
Usually, in poker especially at higher stakes than a few dollars/ euros, people try to introduce „fish“ to the game as in people who at most know the rules and a tad about strategy so they can have more profitable games in the long run. Even if you knew the rules, you would still lose a lot if you don’t know much game theory.
Sounds like your BIL wants to introduce you to the game as „fish“ considering that he’s losing to your husband it’s an ‘easier’ way to earn.” dpixFeaR
Another User Comments:
“To me, this is a clear ESH.
Husband needs to use his words and not just give orders. OP needs to trust her husband to know his family and give him the benefit of the doubt.
BIL needs to respect their relationship and not try to cause a fight by drawing op at the moment the husband’s back is turned. The biggest jerk is BIL for very obviously (to everyone else in the family) trying to set OP up.
I have a family like this (but not with the stupid amounts of money).
If they are playing, my jerk uncle will always try to get a new person in, get them over their heads, and clean them out. We try to redirect people away from him and only explain later to: a) protect them b) not embarrass them (people lash out at the idea they were about to be taken for a ride), and c) not blow up future relationships.
This is how I read it based on my jerk uncle’s behavior: jerk BIL invites her to join at inappropriate stakes She wants to join (demonstrates she doesn’t understand the stakes, trust family to act appropriately.) Husband intervenes, redirects to a promise to teach her later (the implication being when they are alone and he can explain, and that he doesn’t trust his brother) Husband leaves.
BIL, knowing she’s naïve offers to teach her himself. He would ‘teach’ her to play with cookies. It seems like fun. She’s learning and feeling good about herself. Moves up to it being ‘more fun’ with just a small real stake. It snowballed. Husband and FIL get back and blow up seeing her be treated the same way a stranger would be set up. Husband lashes out at the wrong person.
The whole thing is a mess. ESH.
(I stopped speaking to jerk uncle as soon as I was old enough to skip gatherings where he would be.)” Mossycoat-bear
2. AITJ For Threatening To Sue My Daughter's School?
“I (M55) have 2 sons and 1 daughter, S (F15). S just started high school and she is very stressed because of course it’s harder than in middle school. My wife (F53) and I do not put pressure on her to have perfect grades, but she puts it on herself. We are trying to help her overcome that.
The thing is since S was born she was anemic since my wife is too. She was mostly fine for all of her life, sometimes she’d get dizzy but it would go away after a little break. We go to her doctor regularly.
A few days ago she started complaining about having a terrible headache and feeling like she’s gonna pass out.
Her doctor says it’s from the stress. What my wife and I didn’t know is that S started drinking lots of coffee (like 3 or 4 cups a day) to stay awake to study, basically staying up until 3 am every night. All of the stress got to her. We feel horrible for not knowing.
Her doctor said that her teachers shouldn’t put a lot of pressure on her, that she is allowed to study for one subject a day that’s it.
He wrote a note and gave it to her so she can show it to her teachers if needed
The problem started when her chemistry teacher said ‘all kids are stressed and they don’t go running to the doctor’. She gave my daughter an F because she wasn’t prepared (she studied for the English exam that day).
My daughter came home upset and told us what happened. The next day I went to school and talked to her principal because I don’t think it’s fair to say ‘all kids are stressed’ when not all kids have anemia. The principal was on the teacher’s side and I told them if this happens again I’m suing.
This was probably a jerk move but I’m only caring about my daughter’s health.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I have anemia and stress, it doesn’t stop me from functioning. You can’t get a doctor’s note not to do homework, it’s ridiculous. Try getting your daughter some counseling to help develop healthy coping mechanisms for stress and a healthy sleep schedule.” Yellow_Stop
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
It sounds like all you have is a doctor’s note, and not an IEP or 504 plan. I’m pretty sure you have to do more than just give a random Dr’s note to your kid’s teacher in order to secure appropriate accommodations for their learning. Do your own homework and follow the proper procedure so that you can better support your child.” Breadcrumb-Forest
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I mean, really? The school is going to accept a Dr’s note that your kid only has to study one subject a day, and the whole school has to re-schedule to accommodate that?
‘I won’t actually sue.
The thing is we live in a weird country and the only way to get them to do something right is threatening with suing’.
The thing is, threatening to school to change is meaningless, because this is not the school’s problem, or responsibility to fix. The school doesn’t need to do anything, the school CAN’T do anything.
Your daughter needs resilience training/therapy (her anemia is meaningless, because it has nothing to do with the problem, which is that she needs better stress management tools, and probably better time management tools – and neither of these things can be blamed on anemia – which is treatable, btw).
If you want to help your daughter, instead of threatening to sue the school, you should get her into therapy, and get her to see a real doctor (one who can prescribe her medication/vitamin regime to manage her anemia, not one that thinks re-arranging the schedule of an entire school is a reasonable expectation).” Himkano
Another User Comments:
“I’m not going to say YTJ, you’re a parent, you overreacted big time, but I don’t think suing the school or studying one subject a day is an answer.
Wouldn’t she just fall further behind her studies and then be more stressed?
When she graduates there’s going to be more stress in her life. A bucketload more.
You haven’t mentioned whether you and your wife have done anything to help her cope with the stress such as counseling. I find it hard to believe that was your doctor’s solution and not some counseling.
If that is the case it’s extremely negligent and you need a new doctor.
Basically, your daughter is in a terrible cycle of consuming excessive coffee, not sleeping and it’s worn her out. She’s overwhelmed. Also if she’s struggling at school why don’t you get her a tutor to help her with a study plan.
Your daughter is at a turning point right now that could affect the rest of her life… You can help her find the tools to cope with stress or you can teach her to run away from those obstacles.
You are not always going to be there to protect her so the best thing you can do is get her the right tools now.” phoenixjade01
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Instead of getting her help & support to build healthy and mentally sustainable study habits to deal with her stress properly long-term (such as time limits, bedtime so she gets plenty of sleep, healthy diet and exercise, mindset), you’ve basically got the least sensible and least effective way of dealing with her stress by getting to remove all obstacles bar one (subject).
Instead of limiting her study time, Dr limits her subjects but puts no limit on that one subject.
And I say this as someone who did and still struggles with anemia.
For starters, staying up until 3 am every night? Lack of sleep is going to cause problems. Headaches and feeling like passing out are symptoms of sleep deprivation.
Get the basic lifestyle healthy habits in order before you go putting all the blame on her school, who has no control over what she does at home.” Raffles2020
1. AITJ For A Stupid Secret Santa Gift?
“So about a month ago, my core college friend group (roommates + s/o’s, have been friends for years) drew names out of a hat for secret Santa. Our friend group had never done this before, or if they have, it was my first time participating in it.
When we drew names out of the hat, I got the name of one our my roommates’ friends’ roommates.
We’ll call him Jack. I don’t know Jack well, only his roommate, and when Jack visits my apartment, it’s never for anything serious. I don’t know him personally, don’t know anything about him, and our interactions are just typical college banter — jokes and fun.
Because I didn’t know him well, I obviously had no idea what to get him.
Given that the extent of our interactions has been comical in nature, I assumed that the best gift would be one that would be funny. As such, I got him a (within budget) American girl doll, probably about 2 feet tall. (I don’t think it’s actually the brand American Girl, but same concept)
We exchanged gifts after dinner, and the gift was well-received — everyone laughed about it, including the recipient of the gift.
Some gifts were more thoughtful than others, I received taquitos and milk, but Jack’s roommate received a framed picture full of references to past events in our friend group.
The next morning, MY roommate yelled at me and demanded that I go spend an additional $30 on an additional, more ‘thoughtful’ gift for Jack. I speculate that Jack called my roommate and expressed his frustrations at my gift, which is why my roommate yelled at me.
It’s the day after the secret Santa and Jack is still upset. My initial reaction is that we’re college students and broke, I don’t know Jack, and to be upset over a secret Santa gift to the point where you would ask for a new one is ridiculous.
AITJ for buying my friend an American girl doll for secret Santa?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, of course.
There’s no debate here. You say you know nothing about him. Here’s a thought: did you ask his roommate? Cause I will bet you all the money I make in a year that his roommate could tell you ONE thing he likes. Did you look him up on social media? Cause I bet you could have determined one thing he likes from that.
You intentionally got him trash. Why? You couldn’t get him a gift card for a pizza? You couldn’t get him a t-shirt from his favorite team? A sticker from his favorite band? A framed picture of him with friends? A bowl of cereal?
No, you thought you would be passive-aggressive and try for a cheap joke.
Then you try to cover it up saying everyone was laughing.
No, they weren’t. At least not with him.
Even if he was laughing at the moment, he did it as a defense mechanism. He probably was thinking something along the lines of I don’t know this dude well enough to call him out here, so I will just pretend to go along with it because I don’t want to make a scene.
Here’s the thing. You might be broke ish, but you can certainly return the gift you bought, get something else and give him an apology. Or take out a 30 buck loan from someone that loves you and do it right. You won’t be broke forever.
Part of being an adult is owning your mistakes. Own this one so everyone sees you as having the tiniest amount of self-awareness, and you can move on. You’re not irredeemably broken, you’re just today’s jerk. Fix it.” loginorregister9
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