People Worry Over Their Intense 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories

"I'm engaged to a woman who purchased a home early in our relationship, before our engagement, for her and her 9-year-old daughter.

My kids and I would stay at home with her typically one weekend per month when I was visiting my two kids who lived nearby. We always did projects around the house to help fix it up at my cost.

We all live together now in an apartment in a different state that we both picked out together and moved into at the same time (she came from out of state; I was local).

I covered 100% of expenses while she settled into a new job over 3 months. This included rent, parking, storage, all utilities, rental insurance... literally all expenses for the home.

Now that she's settled into her new job, I've asked her to pay her fair share of expenses.

By far, I suggested we total our combined incomes, determine the percentage we each contribute, and then pay that percentage of the joint bills (e.g. my income makes up 59% of our joint income, so I'd pay 59% of the joint bills). I thought this to be more fair than 50/50, even though she's using more of the home's value (her and her daughter vs just me).

She asked if we would include her mortgage in the joint bills as we had loosely talked about before. I told her I'd be open to it, but that she needed to be aware that co-mingling our funds to pay the mortgage would make her house a joint asset.

I also said that if I didn't have a stake in the property, I wasn't interested in paying any bills for it.

She balked hard at this saying she'd have to cut back on paying down her prior debt so she could cover both the mortgage and her 41% of our bills.

She also insinuated that I should pay even more than the 59% proposed. I was surprised and a little appalled, particularly since she knows I'm carrying substantial debt as well.

Am I the jerk? Am I missing some perspective?"

Another User Comments:

"NTJ I get her wanting to keep it a separate asset.

But that should mean you never drop a dime on that home. She however is obligated to pay her share for the home you share. If it's a strain on her, that's her problem. Iron this out before daring to plan a wedding." The_Bad_Agent

Another User Comments:

"NTJ. I am so glad you are dealing with this BEFORE you get married. This is the sort of financial crud people have to resolve BEFORE they legally entangle. Can you both go to a financial counselor or accountant and get a plan that’s covering both your debts (can you find a way to reduce both your debts substantially), and resolve this like adults?" Particular-Try5584

Another User Comments:

"NTJ You, correctly reminded her of what happens with commingled funds with pre-marriage assets like a house and she got mad at you? You were completely right to remind her of that, it's a factor she should be considering. She thinks her pre-existing debts (at least the house, if not her other debts) should be counted against household expenses, but none of yours.

No, do not accept "My debts are ours, your debts are yours."" PinkNGreenFluoride