People Worry Over Their Intense 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
26. AITJ For Asking My Fiancée To Pay Her Share Of Our Joint Bills?
“I’m engaged to a woman who purchased a home early in our relationship, before our engagement, for her and her 9-year-old daughter.
My kids and I would stay at home with her typically one weekend per month when I was visiting my two kids who lived nearby. We always did projects around the house to help fix it up at my cost.
We all live together now in an apartment in a different state that we both picked out together and moved into at the same time (she came from out of state; I was local).
I covered 100% of expenses while she settled into a new job over 3 months. This included rent, parking, storage, all utilities, rental insurance… literally all expenses for the home.
Now that she’s settled into her new job, I’ve asked her to pay her fair share of expenses.
By far, I suggested we total our combined incomes, determine the percentage we each contribute, and then pay that percentage of the joint bills (e.g. my income makes up 59% of our joint income, so I’d pay 59% of the joint bills). I thought this to be more fair than 50/50, even though she’s using more of the home’s value (her and her daughter vs just me).
She asked if we would include her mortgage in the joint bills as we had loosely talked about before. I told her I’d be open to it, but that she needed to be aware that co-mingling our funds to pay the mortgage would make her house a joint asset.
I also said that if I didn’t have a stake in the property, I wasn’t interested in paying any bills for it.
She balked hard at this saying she’d have to cut back on paying down her prior debt so she could cover both the mortgage and her 41% of our bills.
She also insinuated that I should pay even more than the 59% proposed. I was surprised and a little appalled, particularly since she knows I’m carrying substantial debt as well.
Am I the jerk? Am I missing some perspective?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I get her wanting to keep it a separate asset.
But that should mean you never drop a dime on that home. She however is obligated to pay her share for the home you share. If it’s a strain on her, that’s her problem. Iron this out before daring to plan a wedding.” The_Bad_Agent
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am so glad you are dealing with this BEFORE you get married. This is the sort of financial crud people have to resolve BEFORE they legally entangle. Can you both go to a financial counselor or accountant and get a plan that’s covering both your debts (can you find a way to reduce both your debts substantially), and resolve this like adults?” Particular-Try5584
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You, correctly reminded her of what happens with commingled funds with pre-marriage assets like a house and she got mad at you? You were completely right to remind her of that, it’s a factor she should be considering. She thinks her pre-existing debts (at least the house, if not her other debts) should be counted against household expenses, but none of yours.
No, do not accept “My debts are ours, your debts are yours.”” PinkNGreenFluoride
25. AITJ For Revoking My Nephew's Puppy Promise After He Tried To Take One Home Too Early?
“I am 25 f. My dog, dove had puppies. She’s a golden lab. I promised my nephew Dion 10 he could have one of the puppies when they were ready. He was so excited. So last week, when Dion and my sister came over he asked if he could see the puppies, to which I said yes.
He went in to see them. Me and my sister were catching up. Then we heard Dove barking which alerted me to go check on Dion and Dove. Dion was standing in the corner with his hands behind his back. We could hear the puppy’s muffled cries and I pulled him forward and found he had put the puppy in a plastic bag.
I told him off and asked him what was he doing. He started crying and said he wanted the puppy now and that he was taking this one home! I told him no, you already know that there too young and that they need their mother’s milk.
Dion had a tantrum. My sister had to take him home. Dove was understandably agitated and was now wary of who came near her pups.
I had decided over a couple of days that I didn’t trust Dion to have one of them. So when my sister came to visit, I told her that I didn’t want to give Dion one of the pups after what he did.
She got upset with me and said it was a mistake and he learned his lesson. I said he didn’t even apologize! She said what for? The puppy was fine. I got angry then and said what if Dove hadn’t alerted us? The puppy could have died!
She said I was going to break his heart if I went back on my promise. I said, I’m sorry but that’s my final decision. She left angry. I’ve since been getting people on my back about breaking my promise and that I’m a liar.
I even got a video message of Dion crying and calling me names. I’m starting to feel bad. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ the kid could have killed that poor pup. Plus he didn’t even apologize for it and instead just threw a tantrum.
Your nephew is far too young to be looking after a pup and your sister is untrustworthy as well. She didn’t discipline her child or even correct him on why he shouldn’t have tried to steal a pup. She didn’t even make her kid apologize and wrote it off because the puppy ended up okay thanks to you.
That’s not someone I would trust with any dog let alone a puppy.” LukeHeart
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not obligated to place a puppy in a home where they might not be looked after. I can understand a 10yo making a mistake, but your sister’s attitude that he had nothing to apologize for is more concerning.
If your sis had come back and said Dion knows he did wrong and is very very sorry and we are going to teach him how to be a good puppy owner then you might have been being harsh. But the acceptance of his behavior and then the emotional manipulation is not acceptable to me.
I think you’re making the right choice” jimbob19304
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your nephew is lucky that you got to him before Dove did. I would text your sister this: the fact that you are getting people to attack me for your son’s negative action tells me that I was right to retract my offer.
I don’t want anything to do with you or Dion.” Flat_Contribution707
24. AITJ For Turning Down A Last-Minute Paid Trip To Mexico Due To Work Commitments?
“I (23F) have been with my partner (25M) for almost a year now. He’s great and I do love him and I’m invested in this relationship. It’s important to me.
My partner’s parents wanted to take a family trip to Mexico for his stepmom’s birthday. It sounded like a lot of fun and was an amazing plan. They had the trip planned to happen in January to coincide with her birthday. The problem was that about 6 weeks ago when it was time to book the tickets and resort and everything, I didn’t have the funds to pay my share to go (about $1,000) my partner paid for his share and was pressing for me to go too but I just didn’t have the funds.
I apologized and said maybe next time and that was that.
Fast forward to January 4th, 2 days before the family is set to leave for this trip and my partner calls and says he will pay for my tickets and everything last minute if I just go with them.
He said it would all be taken care of and I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. The only thing is, I couldn’t get the time off work with only 2 days’ notice. He proposed I could always just “get a new job” but I actually like the job I have now and I just started not long ago so I’m still on my probation period and everything.
He seemed pretty disappointed and said he was presenting me with a great opportunity to go without needing to worry about paying but the decision is mine. He also mentioned he thought it would be nice for us to get to spend our anniversary together (our 1st anniversary is going to fall on the 12th while he’s in Mexico.) I ultimately decided I can’t go but I kind of feel like I might be the jerk.
At the same time, my job is important to me and I can’t just drop everything and go to Mexico with only two days notice. Am I insanely self-absorbed? Should I apologize?”
Another User Comments:
“No NTJ, it’s too haphazard. If he made a plan to pay for you all along he also could have told you a week or two before the trip, not 2 days.
He wasn’t being considerate of you, and expecting you to jump because he said so is unfair. And yes he’s most likely coming from a good place but I don’t see why he can’t be understanding given that he just sprung this on you.” KaleDue6054
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If he wanted you to go and knew you couldn’t afford it 6 weeks ago. Offering 2 days before the trip seems insincere or like a fake offer. Also suggesting you go on vacation and just find a new job after is ridiculous.
Is he going to pay your bills while you’re unemployed? I don’t know what your financial dynamic is like but it sounds like he doesn’t respect your job/career and isn’t a planner. Is he rich? Is it his parents’ money? Does he work? Sounds imbalanced and this seems like a problem that will continue.
You don’t owe them an apology. Most people understand that we don’t have the finances or time needed to go on nice trips. Say you’re disappointed you can’t make it and hope everyone has a wonderful time. That’s all you need to tell them.” archetyping101
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He should have offered earlier. This last-minute approach is not helpful to the situation, causing more conflict between you. And the fact that he is not listening when you say you want to keep your job is a potential red flag.
He should respect your choices, including your choice of work. It is not always easy to replace a job or to find a place that you enjoy working. And appeasing him should not be considered a priority for you. It is his fault that he offered so late.” Bootiebloot
23. AITJ For Wanting To Spend One Day A Month Alone With My Twin Sister?
“My twin sister and I (25) and my wife (36) have been having an issue.
While growing up my sister and I had very traumatic and painful experiences and we had no family support except for ourselves.
I haven’t explained in detail to my wife what we went through.
I have explained briefly so she understands but I haven’t gone into details.
The only one who gets is my sister because we leaned on each other to survive. We are both in therapy but we still find more comfort between ourselves than talking about it to others.
As a result we hang out every month. Just us. Of course, my wife and I and my sister and her partner have double dates a couple of times a month, but we hang out just for a day just because it’s therapeutic and enjoyable.
We joke about stuff in a way no one will get it.
My wife doesn’t like this. I genuinely don’t know why because I take her out on dates 2 a week and we have no kids and she hangs out with her friends all the time one on one.
I have talked to her many times about this, saying it just helps to hang out with your sibling just on one to have fun (she has no siblings) but she says that I’m excluding her from bonding which is not true because my sister has made attempts to get closer to my wife but other that double dates my wife hasn’t accepted.
Yesterday was supposed to be hangout day but while I was playing video games my wife barged in and demanded I leave and spend time with her. I said no Right now I want to spend time with my sister and we can talk more about this at dinner.
She got really upset and now isn’t talking to me. I don’t see how I did anything wrong because I always take my wife on dates and stuff. It’s just one day but idk
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I do think that I can see why your wife would be jealous of your relationship with your sister.
The fact that she isn’t even allowed to know the full story may feel like a pretty big barrier between her and your inner life. A lot of spouses would find the idea that they’re not your most trusted confidante to be an unsettling proposition.
That doesn’t mean that you don’t have a right to the way you feel, or to manage your trauma in the way that works best for you. But I do think that you and your wife should talk to a couples therapist about this issue, and it may be the case that she’s simply not able to get over it.
That would be unfortunate, but it may be possible.” octopusforgood
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: You spend time with many people in different ways. It sounds like you give a lot of attention and love to your wife. It also sounds like she’s jealous of your bond with your twin.
Maybe she’s intimidated by you being twins (some people have problems with how close twins can be), but that’s her problem, not your problem. She needs to deal with this on her own.” debdnow
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is not a you issue. Your wife seems self-centered. It feels like she is jealous of any bond that you have that is outside of her.
And that just isn’t healthy. If you’re so inclined, you can give her a bit more context for your shared trauma and why it is so important to you and your sister to have the hangout day that you do. If your wife still has such an issue with this, then I suggest that she may have some sort of abandonment or attachment issue that she needs to work on in counseling for herself.
Don’t allow her to bully you out of this very necessary bonding time that you and your sister have.” moew4974
22. AITJ For Naming My Music Playlists Based On Their Cultural Origin?
“I (recently turned 17 female) befriended another friend group of a friend of mine a couple of months ago. It all started the day our mutual friend introduced me to them.
I enjoyed hanging out with them because we all shared hobbies and musical tastes, so we became friends.
For some context, I never liked having too many songs in one playlist, so I make different playlists depending on specific characteristics.
An example can be that while studying, I put on some instrumental music to have some background noise, so I have a playlist named “Study music”.
(Keep this in mind for later)
Anyway, a couple of days ago, we all arranged to meet for the first time this year and to have a snack. When we sat down to eat, I started talking to one friend, I’ll call him John (not his real name), and I mentioned a song I had recently heard.
It was a song from an anime I hadn’t seen, but I heard it on an Instagram reel and saved it. He asked for the song title, and because it had a Japanese name, I pulled off my phone and entered my Spotify.
I showed him the song and didn’t think much of it, but later that evening, when we were walking home, John mentioned my playlist names and said he thought the names they had were kind of “racist and stereotypical”.
I was shocked because one of the playlist names he thought was controversial was “Asia World”, a playlist in which I have Korean, Japanese, Chinese, and a few Indian songs.
He also mentioned a playlist named “Hispanic Music Mix”, so for five straight minutes, he justified why it was incorrect to call it like that and ended up saying that I should change the names of the playlists.
I disagreed with him, and he looked kind of angry but stayed silent.
What do you all think? AITJ for having “racist and stereotypical” names for my playlists?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re naming your playlists based on cultural and geographical factors, and not offending anyone.
I wouldn’t be surprised if your friend doesn’t have any connection to any of these cultures and is looking for anything to be offended by.” pinkpushok
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your playlists were based on of country of origin/language. And you named them based on those patterns.
That’s just a pattern and a name for the pattern. And it’s not like you just sorted based on the race of the singers or used any offensive words. He has no claim here, and none of it seems to have any racial intent so his saying “racism” feels just irrelevant.
And there’s no stereotyping in this situation.” ImportanceLocal9285
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, where do these people come from? Like I know this current generation is over-sensitive to a lot of things but come on. Heaven forbid you name a playlist Hispanic Music Mix and it’s full of Hispanic artists, songs, and music.
Descriptor’s so racist! Lmfao these people are so low-watt there isn’t help for them. You are fine again NTJ your ‘friend’ needs to get his head out his backside. It would have been one thing if you had like a rap playlist and labeled like hard r n-word list or something but your friends being ridiculous.” Illuminate90
21. AITJ For Wanting To Reconnect With My Estranged Stepsister Against My Parents' Wishes?
“I (18F) have a stepsister (19F) that I haven’t seen for years. I’ll call her C. My mom married her dad when we were 3 and 4 and we got along well and even saw each other as real sisters.
C’s parents had a good custody arrangement and she would spend a lot of time with us.
Everything was fine for a while until C suddenly stopped coming over.
This confused me because I was about 5 or 6 years old. But every time I asked about her I would get into trouble and my stepfather would get upset. Eventually, I learned to drop the subject and never mentioned it for a while.
I also have a younger brother (15M) who was born about 6 months after the wedding. When he was old enough he started asking about C because my stepfather still had pictures of her. My mother would get upset when he asked about her so he asked me and if I answered his questions I would get into trouble.
I wasn’t allowed to talk about C or even mention her name.
Last year my best friend started studying hospitality and noticed that one of their new friends had the same last name as my stepfather. They asked this person if they knew my stepfather and surprise surprise it’s C.
My best friend told me about this and I was shocked. They told me that C doesn’t have a good opinion of her father and she wants nothing to do with him.
I wanted to reach out to C but my aunt advised me against it because it would cause problems with my mother.
I’m living with my aunt right now because of other problems with my mother.
I’ve been thinking about it since last year and I would love to have a relationship with C. I am very hesitant though because if my mother and stepfather find out then I’m going to get into big trouble.
But C and I are adults now. Or adults I guess and I don’t think it’s any of their business if we reunite and become friends.
WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ if you reach out. Don’t just show up there out of the blue one day but maybe ask the friend to say they know you/give them a letter from you or ask if they would be okay with you contacting them.
Just put it out there and don’t push them on it one way or the other. Sometimes people have traumas in their past that they would prefer to move completely away from and it can inadvertently hurt people who weren’t involved. Let her know you’re there but don’t force it” Professional_Ant8489
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think you’d be a jerk but 1. You have to accept you might not get a response or get a bad one, and after that, you can’t follow up. 2. You have to accept you might find out things you wish you didn’t.
Like obviously something happened and it might change your view of people. So NTJ but I think the only non-jerk way is to message or write a letter saying hello, I hope you are well, I don’t know what happened but I still think about you and hope you are living a good life, if you ever want to talk I would love to hear from you. And that’s it.
Anything else could lead you down the jerk path.” CheerilyTerrified
20. AITJ For Not Wanting To Move Out Of My Brother's House After His Partner Moved In?
“My older brother, Noel (M30), had moved into this Victorian home recently. It’s a gorgeous building, with four bedrooms, original tiles in the hall, stained glass windows, and the works. I (F18) was surprised that our kid had managed to get himself sorted like that.
I’ve always lived with Noel, sort of. When he first moved out, when I was around nine, I practically lived part-time with him in his flat. When I was thirteen, I argued with our mammy and moved in with Noel full-time. He doesn’t mind me living with him, I can take care of myself so I’m not too much of a burden on him, and we’re similar.
On his days off, we practically sketch and create collages together the whole day, I love it so much, plus he doesn’t mind me inviting my friends and lads from school over.
Before Noel and I moved to the current house, he knocked up his partner (Courtney, 34) and things got serious between them (unfortunately).
She’s moved in since, and everything’s changed – she’s more controlling of what goes on, and wants to dictate how I eat, even how my room looks. She’s tried to put a stop to me and Noel doing anything together.
I got an offer from my top choice university recently (fine art), which is great because it means I wouldn’t have to move out into halls as it is relatively close to our place.
However, Courtney and I got into a really bad argument (she found a pregnancy test and escalated the situation), and she demanded that I move out. She said it’s unfair to ‘scrounge’ from Noel, and that she wants to be able to raise her baby in peace with her partner, without someone getting their uni experience.
Noel heard about it and he got pretty upset that she’d make such demands, but our mam has been arguing that living with Noel when he is starting a family is over the top and that I’m old enough to either move back in with her or find my place.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for wanting to keep living with your brother. However, you should understand that your brother wants to start his own family and may not want to include you, which is fine given that you’re 18 and not his responsibility. He is your brother, not your father, and you cannot assume that he will put you first forever.
Your brother has the right to not want you in his house and you should not act like you have more right to be there than his partner. However, you should talk with your brother and see what he thinks about you staying at his home.
Your brother’s partner might be acting behind your brother’s back and trying to get you out without your brother knowing. Tell your brother how she has been treating you and ask if he wants you to move out.” HilMickaelson
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I don’t know if you or the partner are paying rent, but only your brother has the right to decide who lives in his home.
The partner is overstepping, and she’s using the pregnancy as leverage to interfere in your relationship with your brother. I’m not sure how your staying in one of the four bedrooms is robbing HER of any privacy. Your pregnancy test is YOUR private business.
Sit down and talk to your brother to find out what he wants and how he expects you to address the partner issue. Even if you decide to continue living there for now, make sure you have a plan B. That way, if things keep escalating, or a crying newborn is more than you can bear, you’ll have options.” Forward_Dig2359
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for living there since Noel’s fine with it. He and Courtney need to sort things out between them; it sounds like he’s upset she’s trying to boot you out of his house and control you. That’s a Noel and Courtney issue.
If Noel sorts it so that you can stay in his house, then you can stay. You’re an adult so your mom needs to stay out of it. You’re not her minor child and she talked about you staying with Noel for 5 yrs so it’s a bit late.” Emotional_Bonus_934
19. AITJ For Telling My Sister She's Neglecting Her Older Child?
“My sister (36F) had her first kid (E) when she was 29. She had post-partum depression, along with a lot of other health issues which meant she ‘missed’ a lot of E’s first few years. She was physically there and taking care of him, but she wasn’t really able to play with him or interact with him and he did end up in front of a screen a lot just so she could cope.
None of that is her fault. However, she’s had her second child (M), and this time around things are so much better. She’s happy, she’s present, and she’s doing all the things she feels like she ‘missed’ with E – baby photoshoots, cute keepsakes, playing, going to the park as often as possible, etc.
Here’s where my comment comes in – E has picked up on this, and he doesn’t understand. He’s overheard her say this is her chance to be a good mom, and he’s also fully aware there are no special photos or keepsakes from when he was little while M has so many already and he’s not even one yet.
The other day E drew a picture and excitedly asked me “Do you think it’s good enough that mommy will love me as much as M? Do you think she’ll take me to the park just me and her?!” (for context – E is frequently left to ‘spend time with daddy’ while sister takes M to the park).
My heart actually broke for him.
I sat my sister down later and said it was great that she was having a good experience this time around with M but that E was clearly feeling neglected and she needed to be a good mom to both her kids.
She got incredibly offended and told me to leave, and I’ve since had messages from our mom telling me I was completely unreasonable.
I get that she feels like she missed out on raising E when he was a baby, but he’s still here and he still needs him mom.
I just want to look out for my nephew…AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.. You have direct evidence that E is feeling the negative effects of her parenting, it is always worth pointing it out in the hopes that they’ll adjust. .. But that doesn’t mean she’s going to. What’s the relationship with BIL like?
Could you potentially let him know about the conversation with E and see if he’ll help point her in the right direction? ” UserIsIndeedFrustrated
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have a sister who is an inconsiderate, cold parent though, and a word of caution: tread very, very lightly.
The best thing you can do is step in and be an awesome aunt/uncle to E, but you can’t if your sister loses her temper and won’t allow you contact with your niblings. And definitely do pass on any heartbreaking comments like that to your sister, just..
without directly commenting on her or her parenting. That’ll make her feel attacked. Reassure E that mommy loves him very much (even if she doesn’t) but best of all, you also love him very much, he’s your bestest nephew!” Educational-Echo2140
Another User Comments:
“NTJ .. you are doing your best to make sure your nephew is fairly treated. It seems like you treated your sister with sensitivity and understanding.
Her reaction tells me that she probably knows that she is messing up but is still struggling, maybe, with her own mental state. I’m not an expert in parenting or postpartum depression but I suspect the struggles your sister is going through are common. Hopefully she realizes that she needs help and/or needs to change her behavior.” BeardManMichael
18. AITJ For Telling My Roommate To Stop Projecting His Trauma Onto My Drinking Habits?
“I (24M) live with a few of my friends. One of them, R (23M), had family members growing up who had bad drinking problems and therefore didn’t drink. I asked him before we moved in together if he was OK with that because I do like to drink from time to time.
He said he was and it hasn’t been a problem the past few months.
My drinking habits are well controlled – I don’t drink often, once a month at most, and usually closer to every 2-3 months. I don’t wake up, go throughout my day, or have my boredom interrupted with “Man I could use a drink.” I don’t crave drinks, I’m not a “Beer or two after work” type of guy” because I don’t like the taste of drinks that much, I just enjoy their effects.
If I’m going through emotional problems, I especially stay away from drinks – that’s just bad juju to combine the two.
When I do drink it’s on the weekend, I have nothing important going on the next day, and I’m in the right mood where I think “Man it’d be kinda fun to bump some tunes, play some video games, and chat with some friends and have a few drinks.” I make a few cocktails, measure my intake, and usually have about 8-10 shots worth – falls under “binge drinking” but considering how rarely I do it I’m not concerned about it.
I’ve asked if I’m disruptive and have been told no, I am not – mostly because those nights I’m in bed a solid 2 hours before the rest of them go to bed.
Yesterday R pulled me to the side and did an “intervention” on me about my “drinking problem.” I wondered what he was talking about and eventually, it devolved into a fight where I told him to “Stop projecting your trauma onto me dude” because it was him comparing polishing off a handle every night to taking half the year to finish off a single bottle.
We’re not talking now and he is mad at me which makes me wonder AITJ for what I said?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, perhaps you could have phrased it a little bit better (‘I feel like you’re projecting your past trauma on me and this situation, what’s going on?
Can we talk about this?’ Or ‘I can see that you’re truly concerned about my wellbeing, etc.’). It can help to approach weird behavior like this with curiosity instead of anger. But tbh, I probably would react the same way you did when bombarded with an unexpected intervention.” Alarming_Cucumber_77
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Chemical abstinence was a requirement for my relationships because of the family environment I grew up in. I simply didn’t believe it was possible to not be rolling the dice on ruining your life. It took a LONG time for me to get used to that and date people who enjoyed a drink without waking up in a ditch 7 years later.
I don’t want to risk it and intend to die of old age without ever having been intoxicated if I can help it. I’ve got addicts on both sides of my family, in dense quantities.” DripPanDan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In my experience, a lot of people who have a contentious relationship with drinks, either their own or someone else’s, tend to have the very black-and-white thinking of ‘all drinks bad for all people’.
That’s not your burden to bear, but maybe you can have a conversation with your friend, if you’d like to salvage the friendship, about how to deal with his hang-ups around it. That human is going to have a very rough life if he has to stage an intervention every time he’s around someone with a drink.” Odd_Noir
17. AITJ For Wanting To Fire Our Maid And Do Housework Ourselves?
“I (25f) moved in with my partner Dave (29m) a few months ago. We were together for almost a year before and I mostly spent time at his place because it’s bigger and more comfortable. Dave is an engineer earns a lot, and is busy so he doesn’t have a lot of time to take care of housework.
He has a maid who comes in twice a week to clean, do laundry, and meal prep. Her name is Maria and she’s lovely and she’s been working for Dave for years.
The thing is, I’m uncomfortable with a maid coming into my home and going through my stuff.
As I said, Maria is lovely, but I still prefer my privacy. Maria went on her usual Christmas/New Year’s leave so during those weeks I took care of the place. It was great. I think this is the way we’re supposed to live: two young healthy people shouldn’t require a maid to take care of their place.
I understand that my end-of-year schedule differs from my usual so that could be why I have the energy to take care of all the housework, but I think if it gets too overwhelming Dave can help me a bit.
I know I’m thinking ahead but I think if we have children, they should not grow up with a maid.
They need to learn how to do chores and live a relatively humble lifestyle. Dave grew up with a maid and never learned how to take care of housework—he is lucky to have understanding roommates who exchanged doing housework for paying less rent during college, but I don’t think that should be the standard we set for our future kids.
So I approached Dave about no longer hiring Maria and that we should take care of the house ourselves. He just tells me to not do anything until he’s done with this important project at the end of the month and we can talk later.
He’s been really quiet though and I don’t know whether it’s because he’s unhappy with me or just really busy with the project. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ I don’t see any positive outcome from this other than a stroke at your ego for “maintaining such a nice household all by my/ourselves.” The guy’s busy.
If he doesn’t want to cook and clean, he can have the maid do it. You should just sit back and relax and enjoy the perks.” BBQQuails
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re not the one paying for a maid. You’re also just demanding he do more housework instead.
There’s also a lot of judgment coming from you about how he grew up with a maid and the housemate’s thing. The only real leg you have to stand on is the privacy thing. That might go away on its own after more time and you get used to Maria, or you could ask her to leave your stuff untouched.” namesaretoohardforme
Another User Comments:
“YTJ Nobody is a bad person for not wanting to do housework. Housework is a never-ending chore that is only ever noticed when it’s not done. Your BF has a perfectly valid system that gives another person an income, or cheaper rent.
So, if you demand the maid gets fired, then you are the one who has to do all the chores that she did. You don’t get to insist your BF pick up the slack. Kids can learn responsibility without having to do the dishes.” Disco_Sugit
16. AITJ For Wanting To Wait Until After Our Trip To Tell My Partner I'm Pregnant?
“My partner (33M) and I (32F) are long-distance this year while I am doing a grad program in Europe and he is back in the US.
We are seeing each other this weekend in Paris. I found out this week that I am pregnant. He will probably be a bit in shock at first, as I was too since this was unplanned. But I think ultimately once he processes it he will be happy.
We both very much want a family. (We’re financially stable, that part isn’t a huge problem, fortunately.) We wouldn’t have started trying for a couple of years, until after the wedding, but here we are.
I am starting to come to terms with it and still adjusting.
But a part of me is grieving the free/able to be selfish, spontaneous, etc. part of my life (and our relationship) coming to an end. I have been so looking forward to this weekend trip and a part of me wants to just enjoy it (and savor it a bit as a last hurrah, I don’t know) before everything changes and becomes all about the pregnancy.
I don’t want to spend the whole trip processing this unplanned pregnancy and how we are going to deal with it logistically.
On the other hand, I also get that this is big news that I should not keep from my partner.
To clarify, I wouldn’t specify that I have already known for a week and kept it for him, I would just tell him the news.
I wouldn’t lie to him either if he asked when exactly I found out, so I get there’s a risk he would be upset that I didn’t tell him right away. Maybe he would also be happy to have not had the trip overtaken by the news, or maybe that’s wishful on my part I’m not sure.
I’m still a bit in shock and feeling all sorts of emotions and maybe not thinking properly which is why I’m asking here.
WIBTJ if I waited until after the trip to tell him about the pregnancy?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Mom of 3 here and I did not even tell my husband of 8 years about our third until I’d known for a week or more.
We are in a happy marriage and ultimately were thrilled about the news, but I also needed to process it… and also I wanted to see a doctor first. (And it gave me time to tell him and our other kids in a fun way!) Yes, it’s his baby too, but you’re the one who’s pregnant.
In, tell him at the end of your trip so it can be in person. But also you may find yourself bubbling with excitement to tell him as soon as you see him too! Just give yourself grace and don’t put pressure on yourself.
You want the moment to feel right and special, not forced.” Pieceofhappy
Another User Comments:
“I think you should tell him. Either the first night or the next morning. Tell him that you know there is a lot to process and plan but you don’t want this trip to be about that.
(you have 9 months you don’t have to do it all in one day.) Maybe put a time limit on how long you discuss it at that point 1 hour or something. Do you have the next time you’ll see each other organized? Because that might help calm nerves if it’s fairly soon.” AdGroundbreaking4397
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here I don’t think so. Depends…how long until you see each other again? And I assume it’s his right? When did you last sleep together/how far along are you? I think the real situation to be talked about is the distance…it’s probably better you guys are together for the pregnancy and moving in that direction for your relationship.
How long until your program is done? Enjoy your trip to Paris. Don’t hold this information for too long. Maybe use it to top off the trip? The longer you wait to tell him, the more of a jerk you will be.” powah_dunk94
15. AITJ For Taking A Week Off Work After My Uncle's Death?
“At the weekend my uncle passed away.
I had not seen him in a few years but when I was a child we used to be quite close and I used to be close to his children. It was upsetting for me to hear. I put a meeting with my manager at work to tell them what had happened and explain that I would need time off for the funeral.
When I met with my manager she said it was company policy for at least 3 days off for a bereavement but she asked if I thought I would need a bit longer. I said I wasn’t sure at the moment and my manager asked if I would prefer a week.
I said as long as it is okay with her then yes a week would be good and it would allow me to see family before the funeral and offer help. I mentioned this to my partner and she mentioned that she didn’t think I was that upset to need a week off and asked if I was holding up okay.
I told her I was upset but not completely broken since I and my uncle hadn’t been close in years.
She asked if I would be spending the week with family and I told her I’d spend a few days with family but that I’ll probably take a couple of days for myself and just stay home and have some time alone.
She accused me of misleading my work to get more time off but I pointed out it was my manager who suggested a week, not me. I would have accepted 3 days. She said I was exploiting a family tragedy to get extra annual leave.
I disagreed with her and said it’s hardly like I’m using my time off for a holiday and that I shouldn’t have to spend it all with family for it to be acceptable but she said what I did was horrible.
AITJ for “exploiting a family tragedy”?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Does your partner have a bereavement – meter? How does she measure when bereavement is legitimate and when it isn’t? Your manager did not grant you one week under pretenses. You were honest and upfront and obviously, your workplace policies are generous on those grounds.
Tell your partner no one appointed her bereavement police force and go and take care of yourself, including cherishing the memory of your beloved uncle.” Artistic_Thought7309
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I don’t think so. You are likely to experience an uprush of emotions at the funeral especially if very close at one time.
Funerals bring back old memories. It is sensible your work is planning for an extended absence as grief hits in funny ways. You may feel you want to work sooner but good it is not expected.” Timely_Egg_6827
Another User Comments:
“When I found out my brother died, I thought I was okay and told my manager at the time I didn’t need much time off.
She too suggested I took more, and it wasn’t until I got home to see my family that the grief hit me. I think having those few days to yourself after you get back is important to make sure you’re processing those emotions.
Even if you and your uncle weren’t particularly close, seeing family in a state of sadness/vulnerability is an emotional time for anyone. NTJ .” Smile1228
14. AITJ For Planning a Solo Ski Trip After Finishing My Exams?
“I have been with my partner for 2 years and for the last year and a half, I’ve been working full time while also doing exams through work to become properly qualified. My exams finish next year and I thought I’d treat myself. Something I’ve wanted to do for years is go on holiday to a ski resort and start learning to ski.
My partner has always said she has no interest in this and hates the cold so the idea of going to a ski resort where it is covered in snow is not appealing to her so she wouldn’t want to go on the trip. I decided to book one for next year so I was having a look last night at what options I have.
I mentioned to my partner what I was planning and she asked what that meant for us going on holiday next year. I told her we’d still be able to go away it’ll just likely have to be a bit later than we usually go
and that it would probably have to be slightly shorter than the holidays we’ve done for the last 2 years
She said I wasn’t being fair since I was this meant the holiday she’d be going on next year would be shorter because of my actions.
I pointed out she was welcome to join me on the trip and she said no and I mentioned she could always go away with friends or on her own if she wanted. She said she doubts her friends will go and she doesn’t want to go on her own.
I just explained that I wanted to do something nice for myself to finish my exams so thought this was the perfect time to do something I’ve wanted to do for years. She just accused me of not prioritizing the relationship and repeated that it wasn’t fair that we’re going away for a shorter time next year because I want to do the cruise.
AITJ for planning to go on holiday to a ski resort?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, being in a relationship doesn’t mean you give up your personal goals and dreams. You have invited her, she refuses for her reasons… so she’s not going. Bottom line her holiday will be shortened because she is choosing not to go.
There is much more to do at a resort than be outside skiing. You have wanted to do this for a long time, you will have finished your exams, go and enjoy your little reward.” many_hobbies_gal
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. It’s ok for people to go on their trips.
The fact that she keeps bringing up that you’re “shorting HER vacation(s)” shows how selfish she is. I’m nearly 50 and I go on long weekend trips (Thur – Sun) for conventions without my partner once or twice a year. She has no interest in these conventions and it takes nothing away from our vacations together.
Treat yourself to the ski trip.” KronkLaSworda
Another User Comments:
“You offered her to join, which she declined and you can still go on a holiday together that year, so her reaction does not seem reasonable. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean that you have to spend all of your vacation days together.
If it’s something you are about, then you should go do it. Do you think she’s bothered by you going without her somewhere for a few days or for not planning a trip that she’d enjoy, too? Either way, NTJ.” peachymario
13. AITJ For Giving My Niece A Special Gift That Her Father Deemed Favoritism?
“I (35F) have been married to my wife (Amy – 33F) for the past 10 years. I have no siblings. Amy has a brother (Max – 40M) who has three kids, two sons (Leo 6, and Ryan 5) and a daughter (Anne 8). We have two kids (Sarah 7 and Ava 5).
Now I love all of Max’s children. And they get along well with our kids. They constantly have sleepovers and play together, etc. Leo and Ryan are walking earthquakes. They’re pretty active kids who enjoy physical activities much more than anything else. Anne is more laid back, and we have a special bond.
For example, my wife and I have a thing where we play chess or do crafts with our girls. Anne usually joins and asks us to sit with her. She also likes my profession (I’m an ENT doctor) and asks me all kinds of questions.
(She loves the idea of being able to see inside one’s nose and ear).
For Christmas, we got all of Max’s kids a special gift. They came over for dinner one day during the holidays. Now I’d already gotten Anne her very own chess set around a month ago and hadn’t been able to give it to her because I kept forgetting it and it was in my office for a good while.
However, I thought I’d just give her the gift while she was with us. Amy also agreed and said it would be a good idea and she could play chess with her friends etc. Max seemed to hate the idea. When the kids were gone he told me I was being sexist for clearly favoring his daughter, and said I needed to treat his kids equally.
I said I just wanted to give a special gift, Amy took my side and said Max was being very petty about something as innocent as this. He is still upset with me. I wanted to apologize but Amy said I don’t need to because I didn’t do anything wrong.
Was it a jerk move to give her the chess set then?
Edit: I got Leo all kinds of baseball stuff like bat, jersey, ball, etc. I got Ryan a bike. I knew they specifically liked those activities. The original gift for Anne was a Barbie dollhouse since she loved the movie, and I gave her this chess set later as something I bought a month ago”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’ve got three nieces and one nephew. Through different circumstances throughout their lives, I’ve spent much more time alone with the oldest and youngest niece, and rarely ever had/have one time with the other two. I’ve only recently connected more with the second because she got into a hobby we can connect about.
You can’t force an “equal” connection, especially when that would mean doing things you wouldn’t usually do (e.g. going on a hike with the more adventurous children instead of doing what you’re already doing with your children). You can just make sure that you show your love equally.
You would be the jerk if you didn’t offer the boys to take part in the same activities you do with Anne, though.” TurnipWorldly9437
Another User Comments:
“YTJ One of my uncles gifted my older cousin a PC when he started college, he’s my only male cousin, and the only one who received a gift for going to college.
He was always my favorite uncle and never struck me as sexist, so I never got why he did that. What I do know is it was upsetting, not because I wanted or needed another PC, but because it made me wonder if he just didn’t like us as much.” Ordinary-Greedy
Another User Comments:
“I think NTJ, maybe slight YTJ depending on how you framed it. When my brother and I got gifts for holidays, we did not count to compare how many gifts we got. It sounds like the boys got a different number of gifts too — one got multiple baseball things and one got a bike.
So why would it have been a big deal to just give the niece her two gifts and leave it at that? It’s not like the dollhouse and chess set sound like something either boy would be jealous of in particular, since you describe them as being outdoorsy, active types.” missy20201
12. AITJ For Uninviting My Pregnant Friend From My Wedding Before The RSVP Date?
“Me and my fiance are having a destination wedding in Bali next week. We got engaged at the start of 2022 and started wedding planning almost immediately. We lived in Melbourne and all of our closest friends and family were people from there.
At the end of 2022, my fiance got an unexpected job offer in Perth that was really good money so we moved over. By the time we settled, we had already booked our dream venue and sorted guest accommodation.
We didn’t know many people in Perth so the people we became friends with were mostly my fiance’s colleagues and their partners.
I became especially close with three ladies, Jane, Melisa, and Kate. In the meantime, I received notice from a few of my guests that they would not be able to make it, so the cards fell perfectly for me to invite my three friends and their partners.
They were all really looking forward to it and told me they would attend.
Guest accommodation needed to be confirmed 6 weeks in advance, and final numbers for the actual ceremony/reception 4 weeks in advance.
Around 12 weeks before the wedding I found out that Kate was pregnant.
She had told me previously she would come, but she hadn’t formally RSVPd while Jane and Melisa had. I asked her if she was still attending and she told me that she was still suffering from morning sickness despite being halfway through her pregnancy, so she would let me know closer to our wedding date to see if she was feeling better by then.
In the meantime, my fiance had become close to one of his colleagues, John, and wanted to invite him and his partner. We didn’t have any more space at the guest accommodation but they were happy to sort out their accommodation so they could attend.
About a week before the RSVP date Kate was supposed to fly back home to spend the holidays with her family. However, her sickness was still really bad so she opted to stay and spend the holidays here instead. That was a much shorter flight than it would be to Bali so if she couldn’t handle that, I doubted she would be able to attend our wedding.
So I decided to offer John and his partner their guest accommodation so they wouldn’t have to pay for their own.
I told Kate what I was going to do and wished her all the best with her health and her pregnancy, and told her that if she was feeling better closer to the day she could still attend the wedding and that we could even cut the RSVP time to two weeks before the date, but they would have to sort their accommodation.
She was very upset and told me how rude it was to decide for her before the RSVP date, and that even if she couldn’t make it her partner would have gone.
I get where she is coming from, but it was quite obvious that she wouldn’t have been well enough to come, and she all but confirmed that in our last conversation.
My fiance isn’t that close to her partner so it makes more sense for him to have John there instead if Kate couldn’t come since he was much closer to him. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You sound like a teenager who wants to drop one friend because a new, cooler friend came along.
The least you should have done was to honor the RSVP date and let Kate decide if she would attend or not. Just because you assumed she couldn’t handle the flight to Bali because she didn’t feel well enough to fly home for the holidays doesn’t make it true.
Her morning sickness may have improved since then. Sounds like you’ve scuppered your friendship with Kate. Don’t be surprised if Jane and Melissa follow suit.” Ok_hon
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you don’t invite someone and then decide for them their circumstances don’t suit you.
Anyone you invited could have life interfere and be unable to attend at any point up to the wedding. That’s just part of the risk. The good news is you don’t have to worry about attending Kate’s baby shower.” IDICbeliever
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You don’t do that to someone before the RSVP date.
That date is there so people have a deadline for when you need their decision. You decided for her before then and that isn’t okay. It’s especially rude of you to do this to fit someone else’s schedule (based on your comments) just because you wanted to invite them now.” Inquisitor1001
11. AITJ For Calling My Partner "Beautiful" In Front Of Our Friends?
“Me (24F) and my partner (26M) have been together for 4 years. When we got together I had only ever been with women and was used to giving my partners “feminine” compliments (e.g. you’re so pretty, you look beautiful today, etc)
This language didn’t change when me and my partner started seeing each other. I remember after the first few times he looked a little embarrassed when I complimented him like that, and I asked if it bothered him to which he replied it was the first time someone said he was beautiful and he liked that that’s the way I saw him.
So 4 years in nothing changed, I don’t tend to do it in public, but only because I know any form of PDA, even pet names can make me cringe a little.
However yesterday I was gaming with some friends over Discord and my partner (who wasn’t playing) brought me a snack, without thinking I said “Thanks beautiful” while I was still on my mic.
He laughed, looked a bit embarrassed, and said “You’re welcome”.
In my gaming group there are 3 other girls (I’ll refer to them as A, B, and C) and one guy (I’ll refer to as D) while A and B didn’t respond much other than shouting “Hi”, C made fun of me a little for being in what she called my PartnerSona.
I laughed, it was good vibes. Until D spoke up. He said that we (Me and C) were making fun of my partner, and the fact that I called him “beautiful” was cringe and insulting to his masculinity.
I didn’t argue that it wasn’t cringe, it was.
It’s why I keep stuff like that private. But what shocked me was saying it was insulting to his masculinity. D is my only male friend, and I’ve never heard him make comments about masculinity or anything like that.
My partner is shy, and I’m worried that maybe it is embarrassing for him and he just didn’t want to say anything.
I don’t have any guy friends to ask about this and it’s started stressing me.
So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. “Until D spoke up. He said… that I called him “beautiful” was cringe and insulting to his masculinity.” D straying out of his lane and policing your language is a lot more cringeworthy than you publicly using a term of endearment towards your partner.” Dittoheadforever
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have been called handsome. Never beautiful. Don’t believe the handsome. And would assume beautiful was cheeky banter or I made friends with some sophisticated trilingual European person that speaks rather gallantly.” motnock
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – ask him if he means to say your partner is ugly then.
And if not, then he is indeed beautiful. Because that’s how it works. Beauty is not only feminine. It’s just things you like to look at. Get offended, on behalf of your partner and yourself. Also, it does not matter what any other guy ever says about the way you compliment your partner.
If HE likes it then that’s all that ever counted.” XDarksaphiraX
10. AITJ For Wanting A Non-Denominational Wedding Against My Family's Wishes?
“So some backstory at 13 months I was adopted into let’s call them the K family and I grew up with them and they taught me Christian values (this is important for later)
I recently got engaged to my fiance 28 m. I grew up outside of my current country but I suffered from severe depression when we came back to this country.
So when I was growing up I was always taught you love others and accept them for who they are, but when I was a teenager I pulled away from God and I experienced a crisis of faith so much so that I became agnostic and met my fiance and discovered paganism.
Now some backstory on my fiance. He too was raised Christian but in 2020 he nearly lost everything and in 2021 he lost his father and 2022 his mother, so he felt like God had abandoned him so he became a Norse pagan.
We are busy planning our wedding and so we don’t offend anyone we chose to do the non denominational ceremony, which has upset my mom.
At first, she thought he was Christian even though he has been very open with his faith.
Now recently my mom sat me down and said that I can’t have the best of both worlds and that if I would like my family to participate in my wedding I need to have a Christian ceremony or they will not attend.
(Side note we are paying for everything in our wedding)
I am in a rock and a hard place because I love my fiance but I can’t condone telling him in front of our 60+ guests that his religion means nothing to me. However, in the same breath, I couldn’t imagine not having my family at my wedding.
I have already compromised on my wedding dress one song and having my dad walk me down the aisle as when my brother got married he walked my SIL down the aisle taking that moment away from me
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ If your family is hard-lining here, they are jerks.
I get that you want them there. But they have no say here. If they love and respect you, they will support your wedding your way. Emotional blackmail is disgusting. I’d be so disappointed and even ashamed of my family for pulling that stunt. Blessings on your union.
May you find joy and fulfillment in each other.” The_Bad_Agent
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here “having my dad walk me down the aisle as when my brother got married he walked my SIL down the aisle taking that moment away from me” ..
this is nonsense. “I am in a rock and a hard place because I love my fiance but I can’t condone telling him in front of our 60+ guests that his religion means nothing to me. However, in the same breath, I couldn’t imagine not having my family at my wedding.” ..
THIS is easy: If you do not choose your fiance, the relationship will need to be canceled. Your mom is the jerk, have your wedding without that manipulative jerk.” Excellent-Count4009
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for trying to have it both ways. Your SIL took nothing from you; you aren’t Christian anymore and your dad walking you down the aisle to give you away is a Christian tradition so you shouldn’t care about that.
Nor should you care about SIL wanting to become their daughter; you’ve already said you’ve chosen your fiancé over your family.” Emotional_Bonus_934
9. AITJ For Refusing My MIL's Offer To Throw A Second Bridal Shower?
“I’m (26 f) am getting married to my partner (25 m) this year. I’m pretty introverted and don’t like attention on me as does my partner. We considered eloping but decided to have a wedding to be with our families during the day. A few months into my engagement, my cousin asked if she could throw a bridal shower for me.
She would have it at her house which was a pretty neutral location for those traveling, the farthest person would have to drive like 1 1/2 hours max. I said yes on the condition that my partner’s family would all be invited so we would only have to do one shower: I didn’t want more than one as I don’t like the attention.
If it were completely up to me I wouldn’t have one, but want to appease my family.
Fast forward a few months and my MIL approaches me and asks if she could throw a shower for me at her house. I told her about my cousin’s offering and how I would love her there, however, I only wanted one shower.
On top of this, her house is not a very neutral location that is near none of my family so the only people there would be my partner’s family and my MIL’s friends. I don’t think there is anything malicious by her wanting to throw me a shower and we have a very good relationship: I just think she likes hosting and throwing parties.
So I thought me telling her no would be the end of it. She’s since asked me two more times if she can throw me a shower. Both times I have said I would prefer to have just one. I’ve told my partner about this and he thinks it should be my choice, but hasn’t directly stood up to his mother to tell her what I want/to tell her to stop asking me.
The problem is she’s pretty good at sidelining me and getting me alone when I’m not with my partner to ask again.
So, AITJ for telling my MIL I do not want another bridal shower?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But make sure you aren’t softening this message.
You don’t have to be rude, just firm. “I’m only having one shower. My cousin is hosting it. I appreciate the offer, but I do not want another shower. Please stop offering.” And, if this subreddit has taught me anything? Watch out for a surprise/ambush party.” Natural_Garbage7674
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but if you’re saying “I’d prefer not to,” it’s time for you to be straight and blunt with her. Tell her I didn’t want any bridal showers, but the one my cousin is throwing is a compromise. I can’t handle another one, and this is the last time I will address this” keesouth
Another User Comments:
“Your partner needs to learn to directly stand up to his mother. The two of you come to a decision (in this case one shower). You communicate and set boundaries with your family; he communicates and sets boundaries with his family. Don’t fall into the role of expending emotional labor on HIS family.” KingBretwald
8. AITJ For Being Upset That My Husband Discussed Our Stepdaughter's Home Situation With Her Mother?
“We had my stepdaughter, 11, over Christmas break. Last summer, her mother got married. SD was telling me that her mother’s husband teases her all the time and won’t stop when she asks him to. She also told me that he’s mean to her mom and says horrible things just to hurt her.
I hugged her and reminded her that she could call me or her dad, anytime day or night, and we would go get her and help her. I also empathized with her and commented that she and her mother don’t deserve to be treated that way and that it’s not OK at all.
She told me that her mother was going to divorce him and move out as soon as she had the money.
I told my husband all of this. He is her father and he has a right to know. We talked about it and I said it probably wasn’t a good idea to confront her mother with this information and we should just keep it to ourselves for right now.
I didn’t want SD to get into trouble for telling me. I want her to know that she can tell me anything and I want to be a safe place for her. He said, “Yeah, you’re probably right.”
I thought we had it settled and we agreed. Her mother picked her up yesterday and my husband broached the subject with her.
He said we would be happy to have SD extra if it would help her get out of the situation she’s in. I love SD and I will never not want her to be here, so that isn’t the issue. I stayed quiet until after they left and then asked my husband why he mentioned it to her and said I thought we’d agreed that he wouldn’t.
He said he hadn’t said he wouldn’t. I told him I was afraid of losing SD’s trust and her not talking to me if she had problems in the future. AITJ for telling my husband that he was wrong to have this conversation with his ex?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, which, apparently is unpopular here You have answered comments saying your SD mom already knows that her daughter is welcome at your house at any point And it’s already clear, from the original post, and from your comments, that, yes, the mom’s husband is verbally abusive, but she is getting her ducks in a row to leave him already The fact that SD told YOU says a lot I feel like protecting her trust would have been more important, and sent a better message, then immediately running to her mother who just reiterated what SD told you You said your SD is almost a teenager Having her trust is going to be so valuable during that period of her life Your feelings of being upset that her father just basically threw away the fact that his daughter trusted you to talk to is valid imo” zeeelfprince
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband doesn’t seem to get it. In the future, you may want to hold off telling him everything your stepdaughter tells you. Yeah, he’s her dad and there are things he should know *but* you could have held this information for a minute.
I think the trick is *when* you tell him things. And, as your stepdaughter gets older *what* do you tell him? It’s a fine line and if you get it wrong, you will lose her trust.” Hushes
Another User Comments:
“You can’t tell someone that someone else is allegedly mistreating their child and expect them to not say/do anything about it.
Think about how mad your husband would be if stepdad’s behavior escalated and your daughter was irreparably harmed…and you knew there was danger of that the whole time. Stop worrying about trying to be the cool stepmom. Your job is to be a parent, not her friend.” OkHistory3944
7. AITJ For Refusing To Pay Back My Friend Who Misread Bowling Costs?
“I was hanging out with some of my close friends, walking around in my hometown. We walked passed the bowling hall and one of my friends asked if we all wanted to go bowling.
Most of us didn’t have the money for it, so we said no. (For context, I grew up in a poor family, we were all still in high school at the time and I didn’t have a job)
But my friend offered to pay for everyone because he wanted to go bowling with us.
We asked multiple times if he was sure he wanted to pay for it, but he insisted on it and said we didn’t have to pay him back or anything. So we eventually agreed and went bowling, it was fun!
But when we were done, the friend who paid for it suddenly realized that he had read the price wrong and that it was way more expensive than he thought it would be.
So he demanded that we all pay him back.
Most of my friends eventually agreed to pay him since they didn’t want to fight about it, but I refused.
I didn’t have money, I had already told him multiple times that I couldn’t afford it and he insisted that he would pay for it and that I didn’t have to worry about it, but now suddenly I had to pay because he messed up and got the price wrong.
He got really mad at me and said I was a jerk for not wanting to pay him, and then he started talking negatively about me behind my back and stuff.
I would normally be fine with paying someone back whenever I could, but I refused to pay him at all since he was so rude to me when I had already made it clear that I didn’t have money.
A lot of people agreed with him, saying that I was being unreasonable and that I should’ve just sucked it up and paid him.
What do you think?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He insisted on paying and then demanded the money back when it was his mistake that he read the pricing wrong.
Also talking negatively behind someone’s back is immature and petty, especially over something like this. You can’t give someone money you don’t have, and if he’s aware of your financial situation while demanding money for something he insisted on paying for, I’d stop being friends with him.
That’s just disrespectful. It sounds like he’s trying to bully you into paying up, I’d refuse as well.” Plane_Possession972
Another User Comments:
“NTJ He offered & you queried his willingness to pay several times. It’s not your fault he screwed up what the total cost would be.
The fact that he’s talking behind your back/bullying shows you who he is. I’d consider ending that “friendship” if you haven’t already done so.” Apart-Ad-6518
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He not only offered to pay, but insisted, and that was the only reason you all ended up going bowling in the first place.
I can understand that after he was surprised by the price, he might end up asking if anyone was willing to pay him back since he hadn’t expected the total to be what it was, but it’s incredibly rude and unfair to insist and there’s no way he didn’t know that.” hannahkelli
6. AITJ For Refusing To Attend My Cousin's Wedding Due To Her Rushed Relationship With An Older Man?
“I (26f) have a cousin “Mia” (27f).
We have been close friends since high school. Mia comes from a very wealthy family and is due to inherit her father’s company in a few years.
Since high school Mia was in a relationship with “Derek” (27m) and everyone believed they would get married, but something didn’t work out and they broke up in May this year.
In June Mia started a new job to get some experience so she could deal with her family’s company when the time came and that’s when she met Mike (47m, also the CEO of the company she works at). In July she told me they were seeing each other and in August she announced she was pregnant with Mike’s child.
Mike proposed to her that day and Mia asked me to be her maid of honor. I have asked for some time to think about it.
Now I understand it is her life, but her entire relationship with Mike makes me very uncomfortable. Not only he have a daughter older than Mia, but the speed of the relationship is too.
Mia doesn’t see anything wrong with it, but to me and a few of her other friends, it feels as if she is being used by him.
The wedding is at the end of January and after celebrating Christmas with her and Mike and his children (he has 2 sons who are a year younger than Mia, and 3 daughters, 30, 21, and 17) and seeing them interact I realized I can not be at Mia’s wedding.
Seeing them interacting just looks wrong and Mike is more suited to be Mia’s dad, not future husband.
I have told Mia that and said I will not be present at the wedding neither as a bridesmaid nor as a guest. Mia ended up crying and calling me an unreliable jerk (no orders for the dresses were made as Mia decided on the date of the wedding only recently).
Her immediate family is on her side, but some of the common friends feel the same way as I am.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – of course, you are – you are setting yourself up as the arbiter of what constitutes an acceptable relationship based solely on age difference and speed of the relationship and their desire to be married before the baby comes – and that kind of power-trip, ‘I know better than you what is good for you/ what is permissible in relationships judgementalism is an automatic YTJ.
you punish someone and withhold approval, affection, and support because YOU don’t like their perfectly legal relationship adult choice, well she’s right you are completely unreliable. She’ll get over it and be fine without you in her life Ever again – she knows who you are now as you have shown your true colors.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If you’re worried that she is marrying the wrong man, gently express your concerns but remember she’s an adult who gets to make her own decisions. If she still wants to marry him, then you support her at the wedding because if he does betray her down the line, you need her to know she can turn to you.” BitterKaleidoscope52
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because you’re being counterproductive here— if you’re right and something is wrong, you all but guaranteed that your cousin will not come to you in the event she needs help getting out of her marriage. You’re worried for her, but you’re putting yourself in a position where you won’t be able to help her if your worries prove to have merit.
You so easily could have begged off being MOH— it’s time-consuming, totally easy to come up with a multitude of reasons to not commit to that role— and just gone as a guest.” Potential-Educator-6
5. AITJ For Refusing To Drive My Daughter To Her Father On New Year's Day?
“I try to have a relationship with my ex-husband for the sake of our daughter, Liz (2F), we have been separated for 1 year. He has weekends with her.
Our agreement for the end of the year is Liz would spend 12/24 with him, 12/25 with me, 12/31 with me, and 1/1 with him.
Whoever would spend the day with her would pick up Liz. I spent from 12/22 until 1/1 in a house further away that is on a dirt road with my family and Liz. 1 hour away from the city where I live (Liz’s father does too). He was aware of this and just asked to stay with her from the day I was going to that house until I picked her up, I agreed because I don’t mind him spending time with her, and on the 25th I picked her up at his house.
On the 27th he fell off his motorbike and broke his arm.
Day 1/1 would be the day he would pick her up from this house and I’m not a heavy drinker, but if I consume even a drop of a drink, I don’t drive. It was this case.
He called me (at 8 AM) asking if I could take Liz and I refused, giving the reason above. He began to question whether my father could, as he was unable to drive.
I replied that no and he should ask someone in his family, as I wouldn’t force someone in my family to drive for 2 hours on New Year’s Day.
He got angry saying that I should understand his situation better and that he would like to spend New Year’s Eve with Liz, but that no one in his family wanted to do that for him (I doubt that part because if my ex-mil had known, she would ride the donkey to get our daughter).
I still didn’t want to and he said I could do that for him, but that I was being petty and making him miss the opportunity to spend New Year’s Day with Liz, even though I’ve already had my moment.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m divorced and we share two kids and honestly this is just petty af to me.
Guess what some day you might need his help with something and I want you to remember this incident. Do you have to help no but you’re a jerk to not. It’s not ultimately about him it’s about your child being able to spend time with their father.
Do I always want to accommodate my ex’s requests no but I also know it’s not about me and I’m sure it’s the same for him. We make it work because our kids mean more than our petty disagreements.” Fairynightlvr
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. So it’s reasonable for you to expect him to go way further out of the way than normal to pick her up, but it’s unreasonable for you to have to drive that far? He has a broken arm, like come on dude. You were the jerk even without that though, as you should have met him for pickup at your house, not a two-hour roundtrip away.
I hope it was worth it because he’s never going to give you an inch of flexibility regarding your custody arrangement ever again.” ichheissekate
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. And prepare to head (back to) court. 1- Because you were an hour away from the normal pick-up location this is a case where y’all should have been meeting halfway due to the distance involved. 2- Why were you drinking at 8 am AND in the presence of your toddler???
3- it says you were at that house from 12/22-1/1… so you were heading home that day anyway but still refused to drop her off to him. And how did **you** get home if you had been drinking and nobody could/would drive?” houseofnim
4. AITJ For Criticizing My Sister's Choice of Baby Name?
“I (36F) am married and have two daughters, Lillian (5F) and Madeline (7F). My youngest sister Shaelyn (24F) and her fiancé Anthony (27M) are expecting their first child, a daughter, together in early February, and I couldn’t be more excited for her. She’s always dreamed of becoming a mom and I’m super hyped to become an aunt again.
The only thing is the name she and her partner have picked out.
Both my sister and her fiancé had previously decided to keep their daughter’s name private, but they recently decided it was time to share the name with both my family and his family.
So, my sister recently shared the name with us in our family group chat, and they want to name their daughter:
Araya Sunshine Heavenly Olivia [last name].
At first, I thought she was joking, and she informed me that she was completely serious and that the two of them had had their hearts set on this name ever since they found out they were having a girl.
I told her that she could name her baby whatever she wanted, but she should consider that she’s not just naming a baby, she’s naming a human being that will eventually become an adult, and I think the name would be quite a weird name for an adult to have.
Her response was “If you don’t like the name, don’t name your kid that!” then proceeded to tell me that her chosen name was much better than the “basic, boring, grandma names” that I named my daughters.
She then told me I was a jerk for criticizing her baby’s name, but I think I’m trying to save her future child from a lifetime of bullying and jokes over her name.
I don’t have a terrible name, but my name is a traditionally male name, and I was constantly getting teased in my school years for having a “boy name”. I fear that if my sister proceeds to name her baby the name they have picked out, then the poor kid’s gonna get bullied at least 10 times worse than I did in school.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This poor kid is going to be bullied for having a name like that. Not to mention the difficulty finding a job when your application has “Araya Sunshine Heavenly Olivia” on it. Should someone be bullied/ have limited job opportunities because of their name?
Not. But research has shown on multiple occasions that kids are bullied because of their unique names and employers do view unique names negatively.” SailorCentauri
Another User Comments:
“YTJ Unless she expects that the child will be called by all 4 names every time, the middle names are irrelevant.
And to be fair Araya isn’t that much weirder than Shaelyn, and your sister went through her life with the name and was presumably fine. My wife is a teacher and at the start of every school year we go through the class lists and try and figure out how the names will be pronounced I can tell you Araya is not going to stand out amongst the current school kids.” denis0500
Another User Comments:
“I think YTJ, sorry. So their kid is going to be called Araya Lastname? That sounds pretty normal and fine to me. The middle names are a bit out there but nobody uses those so where’s the harm? She can drop them entirely when she’s older if she wants to make form-filling easier.
I know a few people with a string of weird and wonderful middle names, it rarely comes up, only as a talking point if ever. They haven’t chosen anything offensive and the first name is absolutely fine, so I say butt out, live, and let live.” Known-Grapefruit4032
3. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner To Meet With Her Ex Alone?
“I (25M) have been seeing my partner (25F) for about a year now, however, we have known each other for close to 10 years.
We had a thing back in school when we were 17ish, but I was looking for a relationship while she wasn’t ready for a relationship, she didn’t tell me why at the time, but I found out why later when I was with her best friend in college.
She had a very good friend that she had been crushing on for years since she was still a kid. He is very handsome, very athletic with a six-pack, working as a model. I don’t know the guy that well, but back in school we had some common friends, had been to a few parties together, and from what I remember about him, he was a basic player, had multiple girls on call I knew about, my current partner being one of them, but we weren’t together then so I didn’t care.
They’ve been friends with benefits on and off basically until he moved away when she was 20, but they never really were in a relationship.
The guy was abroad for the past 5 years, trying to break into international modeling, but came back in December last year and been in contact with my partner.
They plan to meet this Saturday evening, just the two of them, when I asked to go with her she told me she wants to go alone, so they can catch up. When I asked where they wanted to go she didn’t tell me because they would just meet in town and decide then.
I told her I didn’t want her hanging out with him alone, since I knew about their past and we got into a big fight about it, it’s a first since we started seeing each other.
On the one hand, I want to trust her, on the other hand, I know how crazy she was for him even when he moved away, though they never really were together.
Am I just overreacting? AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. Of course, everyone has the usual unhinged reaction to so-called “controlling behavior”. No, if you’re in a relationship you do not spend time alone with exes or people you used to sleep with.
It’s disrespectful and you’re not being controlling by expecting your partner to respect your relationship by not spending time alone with a guy she used to sleep with and used to be crazy about.” Other-Ad8013
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. On the one hand, you should of course trust your partner, and you can’t control her social life or who she is friends with.
On the other hand, she is refusing to tell you anything. All you know is that there are plans on a Saturday night of all times with them out on the town alone and you aren’t allowed to come along? That’s some nonsense. If they want to catch up then they can do it with you or make some more definite plans at a reasonable setting.” ImmediateRespond8306
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She can catch up with you around … Why is it such a big deal that you would be there is the question? Starting a huge argument (It being a big deal since it’s your first argument) because you want to be present is nonsense.
Maybe she won’t be unfaithful, which is the worst-case scenario, but she definitely won’t be acting the same since you’re not around. I used to visit an ex as a friend and when we weren’t around her bf she would act different by trying to be close, very touchy, and talk about topics that would be crossing the line all because he wasn’t there.
Go with her bro, PLEASE.” Longjumping-Baby-901
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Bring My Husband To A Wedding Because Of His Mullet And Mustache?
“My husband (M41) and I (F35) have been married for almost 8 years, together over 13. Appearance was naturally important when we were younger, but at this point, yes we’ve both put on some weight and we’ve aged but still find each other incredibly attractive.
That said, he’s been growing his hair for about a year now and it got past his shoulders. He was always a clean-cut guy, especially when I met him. As he’s aged, his haircut appointments got farther and farther apart and he never even shaves at home so his facial hair would get out of control at times as well.
I’ve never been into facial hair. I’m sorry, judge me if you want, but I don’t like kissing them and haven’t been attracted to them. To each their own! Some men do look better with beards and are certainly handsome but not my cup of tea.
Anyway, he’s had a beard now for a bit but he’s shaved his mustache allowing proper kissing and to me has remained very attractive.
Back to the point, his hair was long and he hadn’t seen the barber for a shave in several weeks and came back today with a mullet and crazy mustache only.
I freaked out. My emotions took over and he does not at all, even remotely, look like my husband. He looks like someone you’d see on a documentary special. I’m supposed to go to a wedding this weekend for a family member and I’m not bringing him.
I’ve admitted I’m embarrassed by it and I can’t even look at him without feeling like “wtf”.
Beauty is within and he’s a great guy but I’m so not attracted to this. And have made it clear I’m not.
In my defense, he’s been with me almost a decade and a half and knows this would be my reaction. I’m very vocal. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – There’s a proper way to broach the subject without “Freaking out” and telling him you’re embarrassed about his appearance.
I think mullets look ridiculous, but they do seem to be making a comeback. Either way, I couldn’t imagine having my partner come back from getting their hair done and freaking out at them and telling them that I don’t find them attractive and they embarrass me.
There are ways to communicate your preferences without that, and ultimately it’s up to him.” myworkthrowaway87
Another User Comments:
“Y T J IF you don’t keep the same energy when he feels this way about your looks, or if he lets you do whatever you want and doesn’t judge you.
Honestly, though, you should be the jerk simply for saying “embarrassed” by him like seriously who talks about their spouse like that? You overreacted to a childish degree, you’d be in shambles if he cried upon seeing you one day.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Is he a good person? Is he a good partner? That’s what you judge people on – especially someone you married. I’d be embarrassed to find out I was married to someone who cared about what people thought about my haircut” [deleted]
1. AITJ For Not Wanting To Meet My Dad's New Partner?
“So, my parents separated just over four years ago, although they only actually got divorced about a year ago. Now patently there is nothing wrong with wanting to leave a marriage if it is irreparably broken. However, I am sure that most would agree that there are proper ways and means of doing it.
My dad just upped sticks and left, giving my mum no explanation. He refused to go to therapy. Not long afterward he had a new partner. He claims that there was no overlap. However, after he left, it transpired that he’d had a seven-year affair with someone else in the 90s, which I had no idea about.
He doesn’t exactly have the best track record generally so it’s hard to believe him. He was also pretty horrible to my mum around the time of his leaving. About a year before, my mum was undergoing treatment for breast cancer and he was so unsympathetic, often dropping her at appointments and then leaving her alone to get the train to work.
His job is such that he could have been way more flexible, especially under these circumstances.
Anyway, fast forward to the present day and he is still with this woman. I overheard that they were going to get married. I know he wants me to get to know her.
However, my mum who is still alone is unhappy at the prospect of me playing ‘happy family’ with this woman, especially after she called my mum a ‘lazy cow’. My mum is a very fragile woman. She’s had a history of abandonment by everyone, including every partner, brother, and parents.
Despite that, she is the most loving person you could ever imagine. She has supported me more than anyone in the world, including through some of my darkest moments, and I am forever grateful. I feel that I owe it to my mum to be loyal. Besides, she never wronged my dad.
AITJ for not wanting to meet my dad’s partner?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ But, be careful. You’re not your mother’s emotional support animal. And I’ve seen too many cases on here where that’s exactly what happens. At some point — pretty soon as it’s been 4 years — your mom should be getting the therapy to stand on her own.
I just get the feeling that your mom is going to expect to always come first in your life and that you’re always going to put her first to the detriment of your romantic relationships. Remember, there comes a point where your spouse / significant other is the person who is supposed to come first.” Dana07620
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, just because dad moved on doesn’t mean you have to or are ready to. Maybe have a meeting with your dad and attempt to get some information from him (take it with a grain of salt obviously). Then figure the truth lies somewhere in the middle and decide how you feel.
If you still don’t want to meet her then just tell him that you still are not ready. He has a lot of work he needs to do with you before he throws someone else into the mix.” Feisty-sahm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You don’t owe anyone a relationship with anyone else.
Quite apart from anything else it’s pretty obvious you don’t trust your father as far as you can throw him, so quite why he thinks you’re up for playing happy families with him is a mystery. And as for calling your mum a ‘lazy cow’, I’m surprised your father isn’t more worried about what you will say to his partner if he was able to get you to spend any time with her.” history_buff_9971
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