People Interrogate Us For Thoughts On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
17. WIBTJ For Getting My Neighbor With Terminal Cancer Evicted?
“For context I (30M) and my wife (30F) have lived in an apartment complex for 2+ years in a state in which smoking substances is not legal, though has mostly been decriminalized, I think it’s important to mention that we are an interracial couple me being Mexican and my wife being white.
We have gotten along with all of our neighbors and often have a few neighbors over for dinner with 0 complaints or issues for as long as we have been here.
About 6 months ago, I noticed a moving truck in our parking lot and a few guys moving up boxes.
I went and introduced myself to a young lady let’s call her Pam. Pam was very sweet and told me that she was helping her brother and dad move in and sort of offhandedly mentioned that her dad was in poor health and that her brother was his defacto caregiver.
I didn’t mention anything at the time but the furniture and boxes they were moving had a strong aroma of substances and urine, but I kind of wrote it off at the time.
Over the next few weeks, our entire hallway started to smell like substances, all day every day.
Our elderly neighbor would sit on his patio and smoke in the open, the smell was so strong we could smell it inside our apartment. I decided to knock on his door to talk about maybe cutting down on the smoking but he didn’t answer.
No biggie I left a note.
A few hours later I get a super loud knock on my door, “Dave” the son of the older man, begins to berate me for complaining about his father trying to medicate himself since he has terminal bone cancer.
I defused the situation, I know it can’t be easy, so I told him don’t worry about it and that we wouldn’t complain to the complex.
A day or two later, my wife comes in and tells me that the older guy berated her from his balcony, saying that she and her “slur” husband can screw off and that he’s going to spend his remaining time enjoying his time on his balcony.
I was furious when I heard this, I talked to a few of my neighbors and they had similar complaints, and apparently, the complaints were so rampant that the office was threatening eviction.
I was on my way to the leasing office to talk to management and ended up running into Pam again who I confided in.
She broke down, telling me that since his diagnosis he had become a shell of himself and pleaded that I not complain since he only has a few months to live. She added that she had basically drained all of her life savings to move her father into this unit and that if he was evicted he would essentially be homeless.
I told her that I would give them one more shot but that I’m not putting up with this even if it means having a dying man evicted.
I’m sure someone else will complain before I finally break, but WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I actually think YWBTJ, and let me tell you why. I’ve had a couple of very close relatives die of cancer. They all got crazy at the end. One close relative, who I swear had always been a strong civil rights advocate, swore to me that a (vile word for a black person) had attacked her the night before.
The night before, it was just me and a white, female hospice worker in her home. A close male relative made a pass at me. (I think he thought I was his wife.) I don’t know whether it’s the meds, the lack of oxygen to the brain, or some combination thereof.
But just absolutely, off-the-wall, uncharacteristic behavior. I REALLY hate that you’re being subjected to racial slurs. You guys seem like such a nice couple. I also dislike that you’re dealing with the smell. But the substances may help ease this crazy old guy’s pain… and it sounds like it will be over sooner than later.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk. I think you guys are between a rock and a hard place and there are no great answers. You should never have to deal with the vile he’s spilling, but I don’t know if the cancer is what’s driving it and he can’t control himself anymore.
It just absolutely sucks for everyone involved, I think ultimately it’s not a question of whether you would be wrong or not to talk to management but how are you going to feel after. I think this is one of those situations in life where even though you’re not the jerk, you’ll still feel like one.
If that’s the case I would try waiting it out, as awful as this is to type it sounds like the problem will sort itself out soon. I would try to talk to Pam about the verbal mistreatment and see if she can put up a privacy screen or something on the balcony (or maybe you can put it up on yours).
If he is just losing his filter from the cancer, out of sight out of mind is probably your best bet.” No-Address-2773
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. His kids can make more or work another job. This is firstly his problem for being racist. Second, his kids’ problem for both allowing it, the son berating you, and their general cheapness for not having enough finances.
Third, it’s your leasing office’s issue. Cancer or not, they have an obligation to provide you with a safe and comfortable place to live.
It’s ridiculous they can all turn a blind eye. If I were you, start to keep notes, records, anything.
You aren’t killing him. You need to practice self-respect.
I’m white and wouldn’t lose a millisecond of sleep over kicking out a racist. No matter how old, senile, or sick. It’s not your problem.” Bigmtnskier91
16. AITJ For Refusing To Visit My Parents' Messy House?
“I’m (21M) at college out of state. This has been great for me because my parents’ (~60) house is a major detriment to my mental and physical health. They’re not hoarders as bad as the TLC shows, but it’s always been very messy with trash left out, boxes piled everywhere, and dust bunnies all over the floor.
I’ve always been uncomfortable with this, and as a kid, I would beg them to clear the dining room table, which was covered in clutter, to let us eat there instead of in front of the TV.
The mess is hard, but the big issue is the house itself.
When I was 6, my mom decided she wanted to tear down the wall between the kitchen and dining room, and after hacking away at it, she realized it was a load-bearing wall. However, the massive hole is still there with the bare wood exposed.
Soon, a leak started in the kitchen, at first just a drop, but they did nothing about it.
10 years later, it was still there, but now it would rain just as much inside and spread to a corner of my bedroom and right above the toilet in the only bathroom. Finances were fairly tight, but letting it go on for so long is solely due to a mental block.
My grandma visited at this time and was shocked. A month later at Christmas, my 2 uncles said they’d pay for our new roof. We’d pick it out and just send them the bill. Despite this generosity and my constant begging, it didn’t get done until October.
The damage is still there though. The kitchen is now a wreck, with the ceiling, floor, and walls all torn out to the bricks/drywall, and all the cabinets torn out. The scariest part is in the bathroom the ceiling hangs down about 2 inches, and I’m scared to shower as I worry the steam will cause it to collapse.
8 years ago I also developed an allergy to something in the house. When I’m home, my nose is constantly dripping, so I have to constantly blow my nose until it’s raw, and snot runs down my face while I struggle to breathe. We thought this was dust, but I suspect it’s a mold allergy of some kind due to the years of water damage.
I’ve also never had this reaction anywhere else. My older brother (29) also got lead poisoning as a kid from the house and suffers mental issues because of this, still living at home. Still, my parents do nothing.
Before I went home last Christmas, I told my mom how I no longer feel safe at home and am kept up at night by thoughts of the roof collapsing on them.
She agreed that she’d call a contractor to fix the bathroom, but due to holiday stress asked not to nag her until Jan. 5th. A few weeks later, we were in the car and arguing and I started to get worked up, I was sobbing and begging her to fix things, and she said “because you nagged me, I’m pushing it back, January 10th now.”
I love them, but in that house I can’t. I’ve begged them for years to change, but they won’t, and the only thing I can think of at this point is to write them a letter to tell them I no longer want to step foot in that house as I don’t feel safe and hope it will wake them up.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m so sorry that you’ve had to deal with this. You won’t be a jerk for sending an email but I don’t think it will work. I think you should focus more on fully moving out of the house and transitioning into an adult relationship where you don’t stay overnight at their house ever again.
If you haven’t yet, get a college place with a 12-month lease instead of a dorm. That way you can stay at school over the summers and limit your vacation visits to 2-3 days.
Ask your grandparents and aunts/uncles if you can stay with them during your visits.
If that’s not possible, check out social media pages for local universities and see if you can rent a room from a student for your holiday stays.
As soon as possible, move ALL your belongings out of the house.
If you aren’t already seeing a counselor, call your college clinic and ask for an appointment.
You’ve grown up around some mental health issues and it’s much easier to sort out their issues when you have an unbiased third party to talk to.” capmanor1755
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to protect your health. I will say, be prepared for them to throw an enormous fit about how awful you are and how you clearly don’t love them and everything else from the DARVO playbook.
If sending them a letter or an email will help you come to terms with the decision, do it, (and whatever you do DO NOT GO BACK TO LIVE WITH THEM. God, just the descriptions you gave made me nauseous), but realistically, if you and your brother’s clear health issues weren’t enough to get through to your parents, I wouldn’t expect a letter to do it.” mischief7manager
15. AITJ For Not Inviting My Sister To Shop For My Wedding Dress?
“I (F37) am getting married early 2024. The decision to get married has been made very recently, and my partner (M38) and I are having a very low-budget, small event. My sister (F41) lives in another province but was home for the holidays for an extended stay.
When I told her about setting the wedding date, she asked if she was going to be my maid of honor. My partner and I don’t want wedding parties, and I told her as much, but she said it’s her only chance to be MOH, and she really wants to be one and I should have her and my partner’s sisters just stand.
I felt pressured but talked to some friends, and we thought it was a good way to keep the peace.
We are in the process of confirming venues/dates/etc., and I mentioned I wanted to thrift a dress or order online and my sister said I couldn’t, and that if I chose my dress without my mom, my mom would be hurt.
I thought that was great feedback to know so I brainstormed that maybe my mom and I could go dress shopping in another city, maybe my sister could join, etc. Then my friends let me know that dresses can take close to a year to order, my sister reiterated this idea.
So, I looked at local dress shops and chose a date that worked for my mom and me to go try on dresses. Between my mom and me we are traveling basically until May, so us going somewhere to dress shop is unfeasible if I need close to a year to order.
My mom was excited but asked if one of my friends could join the dress try-on because she thought it was too much pressure for her, so I asked two close friends, one of which is coming for sure.
My sister left for her home province Monday and on Wednesday (same day I booked the dress appt) she texted and said I needed to think about my dress because it could take a while and I said I was going to try some on with mom next week coming.
Yesterday my sister texted me and asked if anyone else was going, and I said originally it was just me and my mom but a friend is coming (I sensed a trap at this point). My sister then started bombarding me with texts that I hurt her feelings and she’s sad she’s left out.
I apologized and said I was sorry for hurting her feelings, and that it was a last-minute decision. That we could video chat her in, and that I likely wouldn’t be making any decisions at the appt. She said I was selfish and mean and that I could have done this while she was home, that I should want my only sister there, and that I care for my friends more than her.
I said that I do want my sister included but also my friends and that I only realized Wednesday I should do this, that it wasn’t an intentional exclusion, and I apologized again. I said the timelines made me realize that us three going somewhere to try on dresses was impossible.
I also said I never intended to be mean to her and I wished she could see that but that I couldn’t base all my wedding decisions on how they’d make her feel. She said I was selfish, mean, sanctimonious, and on a high horse.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. So far, you had to accommodate everyone else’s idea but your own. Your sister on the other hand is very much a jerk, and she sounds self-centered and bossy.
This is your wedding your day it should be the way you envisioned. You want a small intimate wedding, do that.
You want to go thrift shopping for your dress or order it online, you should do what makes you happy and comfortable. You don’t want a wedding party, yet you had to set it because she wanted to be MOH. No one has the right to demand this.
I feel like you’ll get to a point where you’re not as excited about the planning because so much of it was compromises to make your sister and others happy. This is your day, to celebrate a new beginning for you and your partner, do what you want love, and have the wedding you dreamed of.” Chantalle22
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s also not necessarily her ONLY chance to be a MOH, lots of people have their best friend fill that role. (But if she treats her friends how she’s treating you, it is probably the only chance she’ll have.)
If you want a thrift dress do that, it could still take months to get alterations done if needed.
The only way you could have possibly been the jerk in regards to dress exploring is if she said “I’d love to be there but I have prior commitments on this date,” and you then booked it on that date. She lives far enough away she needs to catch a plane to visit, obviously, she can’t be there for every step of the planning.
I’d hate to think of her becoming an aunt.
You are NTJ and congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.” PainEn_Panic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It looks like your sister is planning her own wedding, not helping with yours.
My best friend got married in 2019 and had no maids of honor.
I never insisted or asked why (I would have been one if she chose to have some). I helped her plan the wedding along with other friends and her sister anyway.
Your sister lives far away. Someone can send her photos in real time and ask her what she thinks.
We did that with my friend’s relative who is living far away. We had fun and she felt included.
Your sister takes up too much space in your wedding planning. Pretty sure there will be some other issues down the road just be aware.” Blake_Lilas
14. AITJ For Passive Aggressively Calling Out My Best Friend On Social Media?
“My best friend, Janet (F29), and I (F29) have been friends for 20+ years, and she happily accepted the bridesmaid role, but when it came to her duties, she hit all the strikes.
First, she forgot about the dress appointment with the other bridesmaids after I fit in all 7 girls’ schedules. So I had to find another appointment for her alone.
I found out after the bach trip that my MOH, Tiffany, had a hard time working with Janet & was just not responsive when asked questions.
Tiffany even compromised a lot for Janet to message me that she was dropping out of the trip & didn’t plan on telling the other bridesmaids until I asked her to (since I wasn’t a part of the planning.)
Then, I heard that Janet verbally attacked one of my other bridesmaids, Kim & I had to apologize since Janet didn’t.
All because Kim wanted to know if she was still going on the trip & if she’d pay her back since Kim covered for Janet at that time.
Next came the bridal shower. My bridesmaids came early to set up food & decor & I noticed Janet was nowhere to be found until they were already done & guests were arriving.
Janet even informed all the girls she’d come early to help.
Then finally, 2 days before the wedding, I got a text from Janet. Saying she and her family are really sick and have to pull out of the wedding. With all I had going on the days before the wedding, I couldn’t reply.
I called, but no answer & wouldn’t let me leave a VM. On top of it all, I was also let go from my job. So I was down a bridesmaid & ring bearer since it was her son’s role.
After the wedding, I tried to call her again to no avail.
A few months passed, and I got news that my grandmother was sick and passed. So I flew out to be with family and attend her funeral across the coast. By then, it seemed impersonal to text Janet since she had her second kid, but I congratulated her on IG & gave her space.
I wrote a letter apologizing & said I did everything to contact her & put it in her bridesmaid & kids’ gift box. This was all while I had to pack & get ready for PCS (military.) My husband even drove an 8-hour roundtrip to drop them off at Janet’s & not a word.
After months of the silent treatment, I made the private post which is when she finally messaged me.
Saying, “How busy you were was just an excuse,” “I never got calls from you,” “You literally ghosted for several months,” and “You never even told me happy birthday.” Yet I welcomed her newborn baby.
I never got a congratulation, sorry for your loss, or birthday greeting from her either, and she also added, “You should’ve thought about me while packing, and I’ll respond to you when I’m ready. Respect that for me.”
With all the strikes she hit, I still tried to reconcile & put it all behind us since she’s my best friend.
So AITJ for making that post & letting her believe it was for everyone to see? Even if that’s what it took to get a response?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m going to go with NTJ because she decided to ghost you completely and never answer you after how much you tried. She was a crappy friend, and she only responded when she was uncomfortable with the hints.
She knows other people know it is about her.
I would remove her from my social media and move on. Block her if you want, too.
She answered you by putting the blame on you, nothing else. You got an answer, and I think it shows how much she doesn’t care for you.
You don’t need these kinds of people in your life. Especially with the way she acted with all your other friends.” journeyintopressure
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Your friend flaked out on all the important parts of your wedding – plus the wedding itself. I’m confused as to why you’re the one who needed to apologize for her behavior?
And why you wouldn’t just mail the gift instead of getting your husband to drive 8 hours? If she’s really that much of a crappy friend then you’d just let it go and cut ties, not make a fake post to bait her in for an argument.
That’s just petty. Your friendship has taken its course and it’s time for you both to move on by the sounds of it.” Fantastic-Traffic486
Another User Comments:
“Mix of NTJ/ESH.
She is a jerk for everything she did. No questions about that.
I honestly don’t think she’s your friend. She made excuses left and right to not be your bridesmaid and has ghosted you for months.
My issue with you is that you went out of your way to fake-public-shame your “friend” just to get a response from her.
I don’t understand why you still consider her your friend?
It seems like you are trying to look over her crappy treatment of you because you’ve been “friends” for 20 years. I think this friendship ended a long time ago and it seems like it’s one-sided.” Gradtattoo_9009
13. AITJ For Accepting A Promotion My Partner Wanted After He Got Me The Job?
Maybe it isn’t best to work at the same place as your significant other after all.
“I was laid off from my last job a year and a half ago, and my significant other helped me get a job at his workplace. It’s a smallish tech company, and I was hired as a software developer on a totally different team than his.
He’d been trying for a promotion within his team when I was hired, but it was being delayed because of budget.
He always knew I was ambitious, but I don’t think he really knew what that looked like for me. But in the first year…
On my first day, I stopped by the CEO’s office to introduce myself and thank him for the job offer.
In my first month, I talked to literally everyone I met and asked everyone out to lunch to chat more about something from our first conversation.
A few months in, I heard the company was about to partner with a company founded by a few guys I knew from another job, and I thought that was surprising because they were competitors in the same market space and thought that might be an issue eventually.
So the next time I ran into the CEO I asked him about it, and we planned a lunch to chat. And at that lunch, he wanted to follow up the next week, then it became a regular thing. And it was honestly because I’d always spent my time meeting people and learning bigger-picture stuff.
And a year into the job, he offered me a promotion to be a technical lead of a new R&D team.
But ever since I’ve been doing it, my partner seemed more and more irritated with me about work stuff. Before the promotion, we were both the type to leave work at work, and not think about it at home.
But he’s started commenting on stuff that I’m working on critically, in small ways at first.
But last night after a friend’s birthday when we both got too intoxicated, he said that he thought I just got the promotion because I was schmoozing and ready to tell anyone’s gossip to management.
And did I ever think that position should have been open to be applied to, not this nepotism crap.
That made me really upset. I told him I literally make a point to not gossip. The only way I talk about people to management is to talk them up and give credit for things.
Plus, where the heck did nepotism come from? None of my family went to college.
He got kinda mad at me and said, “Are you playing that same game on me that you play at work,” and I got so upset by that, that I just said I’m not talking about this when we’re crapfaced. He apologized in the morning and said he hadn’t meant it but it’s weighing on me anyway.
I feel kind of conflicted, on one hand, I feel kinda crappy that I got promoted without the position even being offered broadly, when I knew he was trying to get promoted for a while, and has years of seniority there. But I also feel hurt he sees me like that.
AITJ for getting a promotion in my first year, after my partner was trying for one for longer, at the same job? He got me the job in the first place.”
Another User Comments:
“You got promoted because you worked hard to show that you could do what they were looking for.
Look, I hate schmoozing. I flinched at your description of all the glad-handing you did because I would die. It’s why I don’t and don’t expect to rise in the management ranks. It’s not me.
But I also know why it is valued, and valuable.
Especially the big-picture stuff. Being technically great is one thing, and being a skilled strategist or manager or relationship-builder is completely another. Not everyone who’s good at job X develops those skills, which stalls their progression, but you have obviously focused on it.
Your man’s jealous and facing some difficult things with himself to realize that you’ve got something he doesn’t have, or hasn’t learned.
He shouldn’t be taking that out on you. He should be proud of you, of course, and if anything asking for guidance so he can start pulling off the progression that you are, if that’s what he wants.
NTJ.” Left-Car6520
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your SO is insecure and taking it all out on you.
You know you weren’t doing any of the things he is accusing you of. You went above and beyond and your company recognized it and rewarded you. Schmoozing, to me, would be finding out a boss’s interest outside of work, and making a hard attempt to connect with them on it.
This would lead to you becoming their personal friend, and then getting preferential treatment because of it. If what you say is true, that doesn’t fit here. You connected with your boss because of your attention to detail and your professional connections. And it’s not your choice to make the company open up a promotion for applicants.
That has nothing to do with you. I only say all this to show you that you earned it and to stop putting the blame on yourself here.
But go gentle on him. His ego got a little crushed. He has seniority, got passed up for a promotion he has been working towards, and sees you making big moves.
Understand he isn’t actually mad at you. He’s frustrated and taking it out on you. You should let him know, the things he’s saying are hurting your feelings and why. This isn’t a competition and he needs to stop viewing it as one.
He’s making assumptions about you professionally and that’s not cool. Set a boundary about keeping work and home separate – and keeping things strictly professional at work. That includes your interactions and discussions with coworkers. Reassure him that you’re so thankful he was able to provide you with the opportunity and that you viewed this promotion as a good thing for both of you.
If you’re both serious and plan to stay in this relationship for the long haul, it can help provide for your future.
And finally, next time he feels this way, he should talk to you outright. No passive-aggressive comments. He can feel how he feels, but it warrants an open discussion to find out the facts and figure out how to move forward.
You guys need to set down some ground rules. It’s like you entered a threesome (the third person being your company) without ever talking about boundaries. It’s a recipe for disaster.” CatmoCatmo
Another User Comments:
“Look, my partner and I also work in the same office and in different teams. We were both recruited from a branch into the central office.
I applied for my position with zero connections, had an interview with the team leader, and simply happened to be the first pick. My partner was personally headhunted from the branch, he was promoted after only a year (when the standard time between job titles among non-management employees is two years) and his bosses are openly talking to him about possibly making him a team leader when there’s an opening.
I don’t think I’m less than him. I believe we’re both smart and capable, and I think I proved that by getting my new job entirely on my merits. But he’s a natural at making connections and making himself seen. I am not.
By doing what you did, you showed the higher-ups you have what it takes to be a team leader. You bonded with a lot of people over a relatively short period of time, you have expertise, and apparently, your insight is valuable because the CEO wouldn’t be asking to continue meeting you.
And your man – I’m sorry, but either he’s not proactive in making himself known to the management, or perhaps his skillset isn’t as good as he thinks. Of course, it’s entirely possible that he’s being snubbed, but if he calls what you do “schmoozing” then I highly doubt it.
You aren’t doing anything wrong. Seniority in a company is hardly the deciding factor in promotions. Your partner is being absolutely nasty towards you and the fact he feels underappreciated is only an explanation, not an excuse. NTJ.” MicciMichi
I would bluntly tell him that, if his masculinity is so delicate that it can't survive your half of the partnership getting ahead, then it's best to rethink the relationship. No man who really cared about you would be jealous of your advancement instead of being congratulatory and supportive. Good luck.
12. AITJ For Telling My Dad I Don't Consider Him My Parent?
“I’m about thirty. My father (about 70) had several children from a previous bed before leaving their mother for mine.
My mother really wanted children, and my father agreed, which resulted in my birth.
My father is a health professional and worked himself into a job that pays him in the middle-range six figures, meaning he’s a very wealthy, but busy man. Due to his infidelity, my mother left him, and my younger brother and I lived with her.
Growing up, I only saw my father every other weekend, and he would often be on-call at the hospital during that time, meaning that as a five-year-old, I was sometimes left alone for hours. Good thing is, my father already had a lifestyle that required him to have pre-made lunches, so he could run out at any time, which meant I didn’t need to wait for him to eat.
My dad continuously reprimanded us for taking away his lunches as children, even though we weren’t old enough to cook for ourselves. This infuriated my mom, which caused him to retaliate even more by low-key insulting us and, not going to lie, bullying us and, as I was very introverted, especially me.
“If you are unhappy, you can stay at your mother’s,” or “Stop crying, or I’ll give you a reason,” “Go cry to your mom, you big baby.”
In the end, I grew out of particular affection for my father. Whenever I’d visit, I would not engage, unless talked to, and I played a lot of video games to pass the time.
It became clear to me that we weren’t really wanted there, and that my mother just wanted two days every 14 days where she could just be her and not “mommy,” and to be frank, I can understand that. We all need breaks, especially when we are single parents.
I’m now in my thirties, and my relationship with my father has improved. Mostly because I am not afraid of repercussions, and also because I have made it quite clear that it would be nothing to go no contact for me, and I’m just entertaining our relationship out of whatever is left of filial responsibility.
A few days ago, my father, while rather intoxicated, and after we talked about my older siblings, told me that he is very proud of his “first bed children” and left it like that. Since I did not react, he asked me why I am not more concerned about his feelings about me, to which I replied “Well, I never really considered you as a father.
You’ve been acting like an uncle all my life, and I couldn’t care less about what my uncles think of me. Mom is my paternal and maternal figure.”
To say this enraged him, and he kicked me out of his house.
I went to my own place, and ever since, my phone has been buzzing non-stop with insults from all my siblings, even the younger one who didn’t get much more affection from him, claiming I was a jerk to upset our father like this, to which I reply it is odd to get insults from strangers.
(Shots were fired.)
For context: My older siblings and I aren’t close. My father also paid generously for the child support, with only two instances where he complained about it.
So… Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The stuff about the lunches is straight-up neglect, as is leaving a five-year-old alone for hours – I would never leave a child that small unattended for more than a few minutes.
There’s no way a kid that age cooks for themselves, so I have no idea what he expected of you and almost don’t want to know because that would make me even more angry. You talk about filial responsibility, but I feel like that can only even enter the conversation if parental responsibility was filled. In this case, it was not even close.
Your dad may have been good at his job, but he was abysmal as a parent. You have every right to feel nothing for him because he did nothing for you, not even the bare minimum.
Also, I don’t know what he even expected with both the bullying remarks when you were younger as well as asking why you’re not more concerned with how he feels about you now.
It kinda feels like he’s baiting you for a reaction that he can then use as proof you’re the problem. He’s definitely got the last part of DARVO down, reversing the victim of his bullying and neglect with the offender, himself.
Your siblings also suck because this is not their argument to butt into, and you absolutely are valid for feeling the way you do about this situation.
In conclusion, I’m so sorry that he treated you that way, you did nothing to deserve that, especially as a child, and you’re NTJ, but he’s a huge one.” jlt823
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely positively NTJ.
You were neglected by your bio dad in nearly every sense of the word, it’s not really a mystery why you have no true paternal feelings in regards to him.
He was egging you on by exclaiming how proud of his first set of children he was, obviously he should’ve been prepared for you to fire something back at him. Also, good on you for defending yourself to your siblings as well. It’s THEIR choice to maintain a relationship with him, and given the dynamic they are absolutely out of line trying to guilt you into doing the same.
Neglectful bio dads have this amazing feature where they literally don’t give a crap about their children until their child is an adult but then expect that child to still love and admire them after giving them exactly 0 reasons to do so throughout their childhood, and then they get SO MAD when that kid is like “actually, I literally do not know you.” My dad’s bio dad is the same way, but my dad is a product of his first marriage rather than his second marriage.
He married my grandmother when she was 17 and he was 21, and then left her to be a still-pregnant single mom of 3 at 20 years old. No warning, just randomly left and visited a handful of times (holidays and birthday weekends) until my dad was 3. He married his mistress a few months after leaving my pregnant grandmother and had 4 kids (his half-brother is three years younger than him and they have the same first name which definitely isn’t a coincidence), who all sing his praises and talk incessantly about how he’s their hero and he was the best dad ever.
They also had no idea about my dad and his full siblings until a decade ago when my great-uncle (who we all LOVE because he actually maintained a relationship with us!!) spilled the beans.
Neither myself nor my cousins have a relationship with our bio grandfather.
My dad reached out at 25 to let him know he was going to be a grandfather when my sister was born, and from what I understand my bio grandfather met with him once and expected him to be up his butt like the kids he actually raised were.
My dad told him he was literally a stranger and that he was expecting too much emotional connection — as someone who didn’t make an effort to see him in 22 years. My bio grandfather basically said “if you aren’t gonna act like my other kids I want no part of this” and that was that.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He praised his first bed family to you expecting that to hurt you. When you were indifferent, he pushed. Why didn’t you react? So you told him.
Look at what he was doing. He deliberately said something to hurt you and was disappointed when you weren’t hurt.
Then he was really angry when you let him know why it didn’t hurt and he was incensed.
So what exactly was going on there? Why did he want to hurt you? Why was he angry that you weren’t hurt? Why was he then angry with you for not letting him succeed in hurting you?
What on earth could he have said to your family about that exchange that made him a victim? This man is such a waste of space on so many levels. Please just go no contact.” 2ndcupofcoffee
11. AITJ For Changing My Mind About One Of My Bridesmaids?
“I’m getting married to my partner in April and am really excited about it.
We’re both laid back about it and are focussing on each other rather than on what is, essentially, a big party.
The one thing we are focussing on is making sure that we have only people we truly love attend – which is why we don’t have a huge number of guests (46).
We’re not having bridesmaids/groomsmen coordinated, so if they want to wear a dress they already own, that’s great! I am giving some backstory as I really don’t want to sound like a bridezilla.
This brings me to the main issue. About a year ago, we asked a couple of friends of ours to be groomsmen and bridesmaids, and they happily accepted. Because she’s really artistic, we also asked if, as a wedding gift, she could design the invites, and she was so thrilled – amazing!
She initially didn’t start as it was quite early on (fair), then she had a drawing competition and was busy with that, they then unfortunately broke up, and at the same time, she had some health issues (nothing major luckily but still stressful!). She was visibly and understandably very stressed by it all, so after a while, I asked if the invites were adding to the stress.
She said yes. So I asked if it would help to not do them anymore, and again, she said yes. No problem – her health comes first! I asked another bridesmaid to help and in 2 weeks, we had a design we loved.
She’s now moved back to her home country and has said to me that, because she is my bridesmaid and will be spending a lot of time with me on the day, she would rather go to my partner’s stag do, rather than my hen do (although her ex is going to the stag do which would make everyone a bit uncomfortable).
I have since found out that she told my partner’s best man that she was too busy and stressed with the move and to go ahead and plan without her and she’d ‘let him know’. She hasn’t since, so he assumed she wasn’t coming and booked things without her.
However, she has told my side that it’s too expensive to fly out so often, and won’t be able to make it. She’s also been really uncommunicative in the group chat, planning the hen night and, to an extent, with me and my partner (saying she couldn’t make a call she suggested because she had to put some books away on a shelf).
Now. I appreciate the monetary implications of flying to a hen night and a wedding. That’s a lot of money. But she was planning on doing it for the stag do. She’s not really involved with the wedding, hasn’t really helped at all (partly due to the illness which was not her fault, partly through saying she’d do things with me and then fall through).
I feel like everyone else was part of the planning (by helping pick the dress, planning the hen, making invites, offering suggestions bla bla bla) but she’s not done much at all. I feel very petty about this, as it is a party. But I’ve started to feel lately like I would like her to attend with her partner as a guest, rather than my bridesmaid.
Am I being unreasonable? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It feels like you’re demoting her because she hasn’t prioritized your wedding enough during a year filled with lots of personal, health, and financial stress for her. You seem to think that she doesn’t deserve to attend either the hen or the stag because she hasn’t been involved in planning either one, which is just silly.
Bridesmaids are supposed to help out, sure, but party planning shouldn’t be a requirement for participation.
You don’t seem to have actually had any direct conversations with your friend about any of this, which needs to be your first step. Her idea about attending the stag instead of the hen because she’ll be spending a lot of time with you on the wedding day makes logical sense to me; but if you don’t like it, why don’t you just tell her that?
Why not ask her how she’s feeling about seeing her ex at all the wedding-related events instead of just assuming how you think she’ll feel? When’s the last time you asked her about what’s going on in her life and didn’t talk about anything wedding-related?
This whole thing just feels very transactional. If your bridesmaids don’t perform X number of wedding chores for you and spend X amount of finances flying out to see you multiple times for your wedding, they are out, no matter if they don’t live in the same country anymore and they’ve had stuff going on in their personal life.” fizzbangwhiz
Another User Comments:
“Yes, you will be the jerk if you uninvite her as a bridesmaid and delusional if you think she would happily take that demotion in favor of just being a guest. She will likely feel too embarrassed or hurt to come.
She has moved, had health issues, work stress, and a breakup.
That’s four pretty big life-altering things simultaneously. You have no idea of knowing whether these things have cascaded to mental health issues, and while you were thoughtful in taking the stress of invitation designing away from her, you still shouldn’t assume that everything is okay with her now.
Most of what you describe about your wedding does, indeed, sound low-key and NOT high maintenance. Take it a step further and do NOT rescind her invitation to be a bridesmaid. It sounds like it would not matter if she chose to not attend as you don’t seem to have a formal type wedding, so if your bridesmaid/groomsmen count is off by one, it would not be a big deal.” anitarielleliphe
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not a huge one, but I don’t think this is a great thing to do. Someone who is a bridesmaid should be important regardless of how much they do for you. Our wedding party was involved to quite varying degrees but they were ultimately next to us for more than their ability to help with the wedding.
I understand being hurt by her flakiness, but it’s likely more about what she’s going through and not about you. If you demote her, I would prepare for it to be a friendship ending or at least an altering move. It’s possible, she will welcome it, but many would see it as a rejection.
As far as the bachelor party, that’s a little weird because you’re having gender-segregated parties but presumably she cares about your fiance and wants to celebrate him too.” RobinhoodCove830
10. WIBTJ For Having Someone Else Walk Me Down The Aisle Instead Of My Dad?
“I grew up with my mom and dad. My relationship with my dad as a child was great.
I was a “daddy’s girl.” We had a lot in common, and I felt like it was me and my dad against the rest of my family, and we could always talk about what was going on in each other’s lives. My dad would often come to me to vent, which as a kid/teen, I felt proud that he trusted me and assumed he did that because our relationship was so strong.
Fast forward: in 2017, my dad left my mom and is now remarried. Our relationship has gotten worse, while my relationship with my mom has gotten better.
Reasons why it has gotten worse:
Since the divorce, my dad hasn’t really made an effort to spend 1 on 1 time.
He typically texts in group messages and all events are big family spectacles. I can count on 1 hand how many times he has asked me to lunch or to spend time together.
(This is going to sound so entitled lol, but it’s the truth and I accept my jerk fate if that’s the case) neither of my parents attended college, so college was THE goal growing up.
My parents promised my brother and me that they would pay for our college if we went to a community college first and would reward us with cars when we graduated. My brother graduated (cc 2 years, a private school 2 years) pre-divorce, and it was paid in full, plus a used car, as promised. I graduated post-divorce (cc 2 years, public college 2 years) and neither was done.
I kept asking my dad about the car, because at the time I was driving a 10-year-old car, and it was having a lot of problems. He said he would buy me one, he was just moving money around, for about 9 months, even though he bought himself a new car and farm equipment.
Finally, I decided to just buy myself one, but my uncle stepped in and helped me out. My uncle and mom have also stepped in to help with my student loans.
3: My dad was originally paying for the wedding, but some drama happened & my fiancé and I decided it was best to pay for it ourselves.
My mom & uncle found out and are generously helping out in all aspects. My dad knows this. He rarely asks about us/the wedding, Vs my mom’s side is so excited and helping us SO much.
Context on uncle: My aunt & uncle are my second parents & I adore my uncle.
He is what I hoped my future husband would be like. My aunt has told me he has said to her on multiple occasions that I’m the daughter he never had.
Due to all of this, I want my uncle to walk me down.
My dad still thinks our relationship is great and this will cause a HUGE issue, he probably wouldn’t even attend. I know dads are supposed to do this and he did a lot for me as a kid. WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH – soft for you, harder for your dad.
I don’t blame you at all for not wanting him to walk you down the aisle, or for wanting to honor your uncle. But having a substitute father figure do the aisle walk when your father is at the wedding makes it super obvious to other attendees that something isn’t right in your relationship.
You mention that your father still thinks your relationship is fine. So this would be the equivalent of publicly calling out a family member for their behavior without first bringing it up with them in private. That is a jerk move unless their behavior was egregious beyond reasonable bounds or you’d previously had the private conversation(s) and they blew you off.
Therefore, YWBTJ.
However, your father is not entitled to walk you down the aisle! You don’t need to offer that to him if you don’t want to. I think if I were in your shoes, I’d do the aisle walk solo and do something private (e.g. thoughtful gift and card) to let Uncle know how much I appreciate him.
And if Dad objects to no aisle walk, I’d have the conversation about why. But I’d try to give everyone involved the ability to publicly save face, so I’d respond to any questions from others about walking solo with something generalized (like “it’s such a patriarchal tradition!”).
That said— I genuinely don’t have strong feelings about solo vs. accompanied aisle walks. If you feel strongly about having someone walk with you, you should have your uncle. Just make sure it means enough to you for it to be worth the relationship fallout it’s going to cause with your father.” darth_eowyn
Another User Comments:
“ESH because you’re punishing your dad for things that weren’t able to be totally solved regardless of his intentions. Money doesn’t just magically appear because he wants it to. Him buying himself a vehicle and equipment to keep him above water financially isn’t the same thing as having the savings to buy you a car or pay for a wedding even if that’s the only thing you’re concerned about.
You choosing who to walk you is 100% your decision, but your reasons come across as mainly being upset he isn’t able to hand you a large amount of money! Parents absolutely have faults and it’s sad that all the good in the relationship between you and your dad has been erased because he can’t spend a ton of bucks on you when you want him to!” Lorraine221
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your dad seems to care about appearances. He isn’t interested in maintaining a relationship. I understand about the lunch/dinner stuff as my parents divorced, and my dad’s visitation was once a fortnight. Things changed as we got older, but we still do dinners and lunches regularly.
You have a few options:
Talk to your dad about having both of them walk you down (a friend of mine had both her bio and a stepfather walk her down).
Have your uncle walk you down.
Have your father walk you down or
Walk yourself down.
I would talk to your uncle first. Ask what he wants to do. There is really no right or wrong, but you know, at the end of the day, someone’s feelings are going to be hurt.” Mundane_Bike_912
9. AITJ For Not Wanting My Ex's New Man To Meet Our Son?
“My ex and I have a 6-year-old son (K). Back in May, I discovered my ex was being unfaithful. In June, we sat down with K and explained we were separating. Now, my ex is with AP (affair partner), but we were holding off on introducing him as the “new partner” yet.
Months later, I have a new partner, but AP and my ex had issues after he moved in with her, then he moved back out within a week and back to his old partner (July).
After AP moved out, my ex and AP were off and on until settling in October.
Important to note here that my ex lives with her father, and AP still lives with his ex. There was a failed attempt at a throuple between AP, my ex, and his ex. When my ex asked when I planned on introducing K to my new partner, I said we can wait until after the holidays.
My ex seemed surprised but agreed it was best.
My ex and I are still very close friends. We had talked multiple times about how K would meet our new partners. We agreed early it would be best if we met the other’s partner before K, so he didn’t meet someone one of us didn’t know.
So, my ex came when my partner was there, and they met in person (had already been friends, talking on social media), and it went great.
After, my ex and I talked in early December. We agreed that K should meet my partner first due to the situation and that they had met.
It was also said that my and AP’s meeting would be on a longer timetable just because of the holidays, and the whole affair for years situation was still uncomfortable for me.
Now last night: We had previously agreed that when the time came, we would sit down with K and say we BOTH had new partners, and it is a good thing.
The main point was that we would BOTH be divulging our new partners, so there isn’t one parent singled out as having “moved on” first. However, I was still under the impression that despite this, the timeline for K to meet AP would be longer than to meet my girl, based on the stability of the relationships and AP’s current living situation (still living with his ex).
But last night, my ex springs on me that she wants to have the sit down with K within the next few days and wants to introduce him to AP in “early February.”
I’m shocked, as K still doesn’t know my girl even exists yet.
Her reasoning was that on the days K spends with her (every other weekend), there have been times when AP was around but hiding so K wouldn’t catch on, and she is afraid K will. I agree, but feel that meeting K will be an excuse to have AP around more, while I initially didn’t plan to have my girl meet K until February and not spend large amounts of time around K until possibly summer.
My ex said that they would only be around each other on weekends when she has K but also “has” to have AP there as well; however, I am still skeptical. Mind you, my ex and AP live somewhat close to each other, and she sees him 3-5 times a week.
My girl lives an hour away, and I only see her every other weekend when my ex has K until the timing is right. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk. I applaud you and your ex for co-parenting so well given the circumstances around the divorce and how recent.
I, too, wouldn’t want AP to meet my son because there’s instability there and it feels like maybe AP is pressuring your ex to do this, so he can move out of his ex’s and in with your ex. As others have noted, you don’t have veto power over your ex’s decisions but you could try talking this through again.
She’s got complicated relationship issues but you don’t and you will provide stability for your son whether she does or not. Go ahead and introduce your girl soon, including your ex if possible. If she’s going ahead with the intro of AP, you might want to cooperate to keep all the bridges in place.
Good luck.” Wonderful-World1964
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but almost ESH. Why are y’all introducing partners so soon? I would need to be in a stable, committed relationship for 6-12 months before introducing new partners. Your kid has barely had 7 months to get used to the idea of y’all not being together anymore…your ex’s affair partner has come in and gone out and come back again?
Dang, I feel so sorry for this kid and the lack of stability y’all are creating for him.” Relationship_Winter
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but unfortunately, when you split up, you have a lot less say in what happens with your child. She is at least informing you.
I don’t think you’ll ever be ok with this one given the situation, but you have to accept that she is with him for now. If they do it with you, they’ll do it to you, so I doubt it will be a smooth sailing relationship.” HappyLifeCoffeeHelps
8. AITJ For Choosing To Stop Giving Gifts To My Sister And Her Family?
“I (30F) have a niece who will be turning 6 soon, and I sent 3 gifts through Amazon.
Today, my sister (34F) “Jenna” texted saying that gifts for my niece should be a gift card or monetary contributions through a 529 education account she and her wife (32F) “Trish” had set up. I don’t like giving monetary gifts, particularly for children. I want the child to know her aunt thought of her and gave her something she could use, now.
And I believe education is primarily the responsibility of the parents, particularly as my sister and her wife earn a healthy 6-figure income and have plenty of time to save.
I didn’t want to argue and only responded that I had already provided gifts, but that is nice to know for the future.
Jenna texts back saying she got the gifts, and she intends to return them for money, instead. She then added the gifts I sent aren’t good for a 6-year-old and are better suited to younger children. I had sent an instant camera that prints in B&W, a piggy bank, and a pop-up tent.
I didn’t think the gifts were inappropriate, and frankly, I don’t think the gifts are the point. It seemed money was the point. Anyway, if she was going to do this, she could have at least done it without saying anything to me. I should note this is not the first time they’ve told me they were returning a gift–last time, they said my niece doesn’t watch much television and returned a boxset of DVDs from a children’s program–but this is the first time it was all of the birthday gifts I provided and with the explicit note that a monetary gift is better.
So I responded that I felt hurt, I felt this was inappropriate, and I did not intend to send Jenna, Trish, or my niece gifts from this point forward. Maybe I could have just agreed to send money from now on, but I felt unappreciated. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
That was horribly rude, and honestly, I don’t blame you for not wanting to send gifts anymore.
I don’t know how close you live to them but if you live close perhaps you could gift experiences using the money you would have spent on gifts?
Like a day out with Auntie to a movie, a children’s museum, a spa day, an event (my cousin just took her kids to see Disney on Ice), etc.
If not you could always save up for a bigger gift that she’ll want as she gets older.
Depending on how long you want to wait something like a laptop or money for a nice homecoming/prom dress, or even help towards her first car (I’ve been squirreling away half of what I used to spend on b-day and x-mas gifts for my goddaughter to make a tidy little sum towards her first car).” Baby_Blue-Skies
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, the gifts you gave kind of sucked. The camera now becomes a recurring expense or a paperweight, the tent is more clutter, but the piggy bank is fine.
Also, a six-figure income is super vague and not helpful. Do they make $110k because after tax that drops below the six-figure mark?
Are they in a high-cost-of-living area? Honestly, it seems like they are doing what is best for their kid because I guarantee you that the level of appreciation 20 years down the line will be much greater if you contributed to their education vs toys.
I get you want to be the fun aunt but what they are requesting is so much better.” ferretsmilez
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
There should have been an option for a registry.
Maybe the pop-up tent is a little young for her, being five, or too small. My kids at five did not watch too much TV, and I did not start buying them DVDs until they were eight and could follow a schedule properly.
Honestly, I would just give the kid a ten dollar donation to her account until she is old enough to tell you what she wants directly.” proud_didi
7. AITJ For Making Plans With My Best Friend's Partner Without Her?
“The other night, my best friend of 13 years, her partner, and myself were out having drinks and getting food. Our town has started putting on Ghost Walks, and my friend’s partner and I really wanted to do one as we love all things spooky. My best friend wasn’t as keen on the idea.
As we said our goodbyes that evening, my best friend’s man and I mentioned booking on to do the Ghost Walk. My best friend was present at the time of this conversation and didn’t mention that she didn’t agree with this idea.
Fast forward a few days, and the Ghost Walk has been booked. I’ve even tried to convince my partner to come along with us as he really wants to meet my friends. I would obviously prefer it if she was there too, but at least he’d get to meet one of my friends.
I get a message from my friend’s man later that evening, and my best friend is furious that we’ve booked the Ghost Walk. He sent me screenshots of the conversation, and it’s obvious she’s extremely insecure and jealous about the situation.
It’s almost as if she views it as a romantic outing. She has explained to me before that she feels her jealousy is her worst trait, but I wouldn’t ever think she’d get jealous over ME spending time with her partner, especially as we are all always doing stuff together and I view him as one of my friends.
Did I overstep a boundary? I feel bad because they are still arguing, and her partner is terrified of losing her; he absolutely adores her, and they are perfect for one another. She just doesn’t realize just how amazing she is.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
There should always be an implied boundary that you don’t do anything with your friend’s partner without them present; it’s just a bad look. Group situations are different, so if your man is going, then not as big of a deal. You know your friend has jealousy issues, so why put her in a triggering situation?
Not that you have to tiptoe around her, but this crosses a line. If we can’t be our most vulnerable selves with our BFF and partner, then who can we trust? It’s also concerning that her man is sending you screenshots behind her back. Maybe you have good intentions, but I honestly question what his motives are.” shewearscloth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she wasn’t excluded from going, she could have gone if she wanted to.
Also, you were inviting your partner too, so nothing seems suspicious.
It is normal that couples don’t always have the same interests and so good for them to arrange to do those things with friends rather than dragging their partner along if the partner isn’t keen on going.
This is just her being overly jealous and insecure – both of which are not good traits, and I guarantee she will ruin her relationship by being this way.” NearlyBizarre
Another User Comments:
“Hmmmm… going against the grain here to say ESH. I think the friend should have spoken up in the moment if she was uncomfortable, but you as her friend should have ASKED her if that’s something she’d be comfortable with.
(The partner should have done that as well before booking the event, so it’s not all on you.) I’d never hang with my bestie’s man (and we’ve been besties for 15 years) without her there in general because I find that a weird boundary I wouldn’t cross, but IF I was going to, I’d absolutely ask her first. Now she’s also a jerk for getting so angry after the fact when she was literally there for the initial conversation and could have stopped it in its tracks if she really felt that way before things escalated. I don’t know.
Everyone here just needs to communicate better.” sferg87
6. AITJ For Not Inviting My Fiance's Friend's Partner To Our Wedding?
“I (28F) and my fiancé recently gave out our wedding invites to all our friends; however, one of his best friends got an invitation with his name only. Some backstory: We have been together for 6+ years, and he has always had a very close group of friends with 6 guys, all of whom have partners who also ALL became best friends as well, so much so that two of their partners are my bridesmaids, one being my MOH.
Less than 6 months ago, one of the mates – let’s call him Fred, had an affair on his partner (let’s call her Jess), with whom I have a great relationship, and then left her for this new girl (let’s call her Hannah) with who he is infatuated and already now lives with.
Jess was completely devastated, and her entire world was shaken. Although I was mad at Fred, I understand that you can’t control who you love, and I also really didn’t want to affect his friendship with my fiancé.
Since we throw a lot of parties, BBQs, and dinners, we decided it was fair that when the celebration/event focused on me, Jess would be invited, and when the party/event was for him, then Fred + Hannah would be invited. During the split when all the crap hit the fan, I told Jess I wouldn’t be inviting Hannah to the wedding.
My fiancé decided that both could come and enjoy our day both without plus ones to make it fair. We also informed Fred of this at the time. In the meantime, I have met Hannah and have slowly warmed up to her and actually really started to like her.
Fast forward 5 months when we gave out the invites, and Fred flips out and acts as though this is new information. So I called him up and said I would have a one-on-one with Jess and see where her headspace was now that some time has passed and if maybe she had a potential plus one so that maybe Hannah would come as well.
Fred was completely understanding or so I thought.
The next day, he writes saying he no longer wishes to attend and is completely disappointed. My fiancé is obviously upset, but I am just furious and feel bad for my future husband. I think he is being extremely selfish, and she is being extremely manipulative.
I basically told my fiancé if Fred doesn’t come, he is no longer welcome to me; however, he can continue the friendship if he so wishes. My MOH says she understands Fred and thinks I’m overreacting. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. (1) You are free to invite or not invite whoever to your wedding.
However, I do think it is usually quite rude to not invite a friend’s SO especially if the other friends are coming with their SOs, though I will admit you have a decent reason not to invite the SO. (2) Fred or anyone else is also free not to attend if they don’t want to.
(3) Fred reacted childishly to news that he should have suspected. (4) Your response to Fred’s decline to attend is also quite childish. “Fred doesn’t want to attend MY wedding because his SO of 5+ months (which will probably be even longer by the time of the wedding) isn’t allowed to go, well time to kick him out of my life.” (5) Both you and Fred need to grow up.
Fred needs to realize his actions put his friend group in a difficult situation when it comes to invites, and you need to be able to accept that Fred has cause to not accept.” Iron-Tooth-Seration
Another User Comments:
“YTJ,
Fred is within his rights to decline to come to your wedding given the complexity of the dilemma you’re all in.
Cutting him off entirely for making a decision that likely saves several people’s feelings and a lot of potential drama during an event that is meant to be focused on you and your fiance is a tad bit petty. Take a few days and then reassess how you feel.” rpoulus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Most people don’t want dishonest people at their wedding. He’s lucky to have gotten an invite at all.
He doesn’t have to come, but you’re under no obligation to give him a plus 1 because he throws a tantrum. These are the results of his own actions.
If the relationship between him and your fiance is ruined, it’s his fault, not yours. Y’all told him what to expect when the invites came.
Next time he should behave more honorably and reliably, and this wouldn’t happen.” Reddit user
5. AITJ For Not Wanting To Pay For My Girl's Coffee?
Ugh, there are so many ways to look at this story.
“My partner is a student and is living off her savings right now.
I am working and earn a decent amount for a young person. I help her out by paying for dinner when we go out or cooking for her when she visits. I have to admit, I am usually quite tight with my finances and don’t like to spend a lot.
My partner and I have had fights in the past over me not paying for things when we first got together and more recently over me asking her to pay for things despite me earning more than her.
On Thursday, my girl came to my house to spend the night as I was off work on Friday.
I made her a really nice dinner, then the next day, I made her breakfast in bed, then took her out for a nice lunch. She had to study, so I let her use my room for the rest of the day to work. She was also upset about some things going on in her life, so I was trying to be extra nice to her.
Things were going very well, but as the weekend went on, she wouldn’t leave my apartment. I enjoy spending time with her, but I also value my alone time to relax or to work on my own projects. I didn’t want to outright ask her to leave because in the past when I have done so, she has gotten upset and even angrily said that how could we ever live together in the future if I can’t have her there for more than a few days?
Despite me hinting that I would like access to my room to work on some things, she just said that I could use the kitchen table. She basically turned my room into her own workspace for three days while having breakfast, lunch, and dinner at my place.
I was a bit annoyed at her not giving me any free space and taking my food all weekend, but I was trying to be nice because she was upset.
On Sunday evening, since I had to work the next day, she finally said that she would go home.
On the way to walking her to catch the train, we stopped for a coffee. She ordered for us both, and because I was feeling a little annoyed that I had been paying for everything for her for 4 days, I hadn’t brought my wallet. When it came time to pay, I didn’t say anything or take out my wallet.
She was completely surprised, and then when she realized I was waiting for her to pay, she couldn’t find her card. So after waiting for ten seconds while she searched her bag, I just paid with my phone.
After this, she became really annoyed at me and would barely talk to me for the rest of the night.
Saying it’s really unfair and selfish of me to “play games” like that with her. Even after saying that I thought it was unfair for her to be mad at me after everything I’ve done for her this weekend, she said that she hates when people bring up past good actions to defend themselves like that.
I understand it was maybe not a mature way to do it, but am I in the wrong for being annoyed that she got mad at me over this, especially after everything I had already done for her?”
Another User Comments:
“I would say NTJ, but you can handle it better.
2 things here:
Your girl needs to know her boundaries and you need to be the one to have that conversation.
You need to be vocal more.
Just because you make more does not mean you need to be spending more. You did your part by taking care of her the entire weekend and even allowed her to then take up your personal space (Very normal in a relationship to share your space though).
Just next time, talk to her. I had this problem in my past relationship where I always felt like the ATM, and it got to a point where I started almost getting annoyed at every transaction because I was spending my money and then my ex would brag about how much she saved each month.
ANYHOW, tell her you need that split to be more mutual as it is becoming a red flag for you (it is literally making you dislike the relationship). But you just need to be vocal, we have this tendency (I do the same). Where sometimes I feel my partner should just read what I think she should know and it’s a flaw I am working on.
Let her know your issues and next time you’re about to get coffee and you feel like you’ve been spending enough then BEFORE your order ask her “Hey, can you grab this one?” And if she says no then make your decision from there.
But I feel like waiting until the bill to then split it like that with you kind of knowing she was set up for failure is a jerk move, it could embarrass her.” necrid101
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, Your girl sounds like an entitled, greedy gold digger.
It sounds like she wants to be a kept woman.
You definitely shouldn’t be paying for everything all of the time. Tell her you will only eat out if you are each paying for your own stuff.
If she kicks off ask her why she thinks it’s okay that you should be paying for her all the time. How is that fair? You are not her personal ATM.
What is she even bringing to the table? Because from your post, it seems like all she does is take.
INFO do you get on well despite the money thing? Do you have a lot in common? Do you laugh together and share interests? Is she sweet and kind in other ways?
If you are thinking long term, living together, marriage, etc., then you need to discuss finances first.” Lyca29
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
It’s very simple actually. Not having your wallet had nothing to do with you paying for coffee. You could’ve perfectly paid with your phone, so not bringing your wallet and making a big show of it was to manipulate her.
All you had to do was use your words to express that you thought it was her turn to pay. Instead, you pretended like you couldn’t, and then after ten minutes of embarrassing her publicly you paid it anyway.
You didn’t ask for judgment on your expense ratio.
(Which btw you included to manipulate us to be on your side) Your question was whether or not it’s wrong to pretend like you couldn’t pay when you could’ve, to make her embarrass herself. If you’re old enough to be in a relationship, you’re old enough to use your words to communicate.
Or break up if you’re unable to come to an agreement.” Sea_Rise_1907
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You “help her out“ by feeding her when she’s in your company? Jeez. Removing the relationship aspect anytime someone close to you comes into your home, feeding them is a common courtesy even on an extended visit.
The coffee thing was clearly a misunderstanding and really isn’t a big deal considering everything else. But perhaps the two of you should talk about continuing a relationship. You two clearly aren’t aligned. It seems like you view her as more of a nuisance who regularly intrudes upon your space, eats your food, and takes your money than as a partner whom you value and respect.” LuxeCandy
4. AITJ For Still Talking To My Brother's Ex-Wife?
“My brother (30m, Arnold) and his ex-wife (29f, Mary) were together for over a decade. Mary lived with us for a while when I (25m) was in middle school. They got a place together and had kid#1. Arnold enlisted and while he was away in basics, I moved in with them.
Mary and I became good friends during this time. Arnold was deployed to a different state so I had to move out. While they lived in a different state, they had kid#2. According to Mary, Arnold became very cruel, drank a lot, and developed anger issues.
He got kicked out of the military, so they moved states again and had kid#3, by then Mary was suffering from really bad PPD. She ended up leaving Arnold over this but wasn’t able to take the kids with her. After some time Arnold and the kids moved back to our home state and our mom took the kids while he lived with a family member.
Our family only knows Arnold’s side of the story which sums up to Mary being crazy and her mental illness caused her to abandon him and the kids. They filed for divorce, Mary remarried (34m) and had a kid. Arnold got full custody of the kids, met someone (35f, Harley), and moved in with her.
Recent issue: Arnold brought up that a court-ordered visit was planned and Mary would be staying the night at their house instead of taking the kids overnight. I asked Arnold how he would feel about my family taking Mary and the kids to a theme park, he said he didn’t care.
Mary came into town a day early and called me to let me know. I made a joke to Arnold saying, “Your baby mama is in town,” and he went off about him finding out from me. I didn’t know he didn’t know so I changed the subject but he kept on about me picking sides and questioning my loyalty.
I ended the conversation and went about my day with my family.
Later that night, I got a notification that someone rang my doorbell. My wife (24f) checks and sees that Arnold and Harley are at our place. I call him and he goes off about, “Is Mary at your house, where are you?
I hear a woman’s voice in your background.” We argued back and forth that no one was home, Mary wasn’t with me and he needed to leave before I got home. He wouldn’t listen and kept arguing so I asked him to let me talk to Harley.
I tell her the same thing that they need to leave and all she says is “he’s calm, why are you avoiding this conversation.” I told her I’m not going to talk to him while he’s acting like this. He accused me of being rude to Harley, and he’s not leaving until I get there.
At that point, I hung up. When we got home, I saw their car in front of our place and drove past. I called Arnold and he threatened to go no contact unless I talked to him and I told him I didn’t care, he called me out and hung up.
This isn’t the first situation of me talking to Mary and making plans with her that have caused an issue and made Arnold say I’m the jerk and go no contact with me.”
Another User Comments:
“Not the jerk.
I got a feeling Arnold went off on Mary when she went to his house.
Mary left, more than likely afraid of him. Your brother figured she would have gone to your house. From what you said, he was not rational at all. Mary was a sister to you for a decade, your brother has no right to dictate who you can be friends with.” Brightmoon1954
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you can be friendly with anyone you want. Their connection ending didn’t end everyone else’s. I don’t see how in the world your brother got full custody. Wow.” herdingcats2020
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you definitely did nothing wrong here. Your brother has no right to try and tell you to not be friendly with her nor can he try to stop you from hanging out with her.” yupuppy
3. AITJ For Disowning My Dad's Brother As My Uncle?
Talk about unnecessary drama.
“I (F17) have parents who have just divorced. They argued a lot and thought it was better to be friends as it didn’t work as married. My father’s entire side has been supporters of both us children and my parents.
Except my dad’s brother. He went through a tough divorce years ago, the opposite of what my parents’ divorce was like.
At first, he didn’t talk about what he thought or how he felt about the divorce, something no one questioned. But the day before Christmas, he texted my dad and said an ex is an ex, and they shouldn’t be part of the family.
My dad didn’t comment on what he said, thinking he just had bad memories from his divorce.
But on Christmas Eve, when my mother was there, he asked out loud in front of everyone why an ex disturbed their Christmas.
I, my cousins, my parents, my grandparents, my aunts, and their husbands sat in shock until anger was all I felt for him.
I stood up and looked at him and asked what he said hoping he would take it back.
But he didn’t. He said the same thing one more time. I died. I answered back, “If an ex is just an ex, then I’m the child of that ex, and then I’m nothing to you.”
He replied back that he was my father’s brother, which made him something to me. I got angrier because he didn’t agree that my mom is more than an ex. I replied back, “No, a title is earned, and you don’t deserve to be my uncle.
You are nothing to me if my mother after 20 years is nothing to you.”
My other cousin who is the son of my dad’s brother came to pick me up, and after that, I stayed away while my family told me that I hurt my uncle, and he didn’t mean anything bad.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Do these people also say things like, “Well, you know how ___ is” or other rug-sweeping statements? Are they instantly trying to calm things down because they don’t want to rock the boat? Now you know why. They may as well get “DOORMAT” tattooed on their forehead.
Good on you OP for acting more adult than a grown man who doesn’t understand that because he had a bitter divorce, not all divorces are like that. Your father’s male sibling needs some therapy.” whoozywhatzitnow
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know… I’m split.
Because he shouldn’t have acted like that, and he shouldn’t have said a thing. On the other hand, at some point, your mom and your dad will be in new relationships, and since you are almost an adult, they probably will have less reason to get together on holidays and will have other plans.
So, I get what he is saying in a way, but if he had yelled that at my mom, I would have said the same thing, even though it’s not true, and he’s still your uncle.
Unfortunately, this is the kind of crap that comes up when people get divorced, and you just kind of have to figure out how you decide to deal with it.
But ya… Now that I think about it, you didn’t react any differently than I would have because what he said was pretty emotionally charged.
NTJ.” AwkwardFold226
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and kudos to you! Your uncle let his divorce skew his view and extrapolated his feelings onto your family.
That’s totally on him, and saying that while your mother was present controverts the “he didn’t mean anything bad.” Good for you for defending both your mom and your family’s choices, as well as being more mature than your uncle.” BefuddledPolydactyls
2. AITJ For Being Specific About My Bridesmaids' Hair?
“I am getting married in a few months and think I have been fair so far taking into account everyone’s opinions. For bridesmaids’ dresses, I even picked options in different styles and am having the BMs pick one they like. Almost every time a BM or family member has brought up a preference, my fiancé and I have done our best to find a solution so everyone is happy.
My sister and I have never gotten along, but found out from my mom it was important to her to be in my bridal party (BP). She never mentioned being my MOH or BM before, but she expected to be my MOH despite us not being friends and her not playing any role in my relationship with my fiancé.
I instead asked one of my best friends who has been close with us as a couple for a very long time.
When I asked my sister to be a BM she hung up on me and I had to apologize for not asking her to be my MOH as she “isn’t going to apologize for having feelings”.
I’ve let this go and she agreed to be a BM.
I called her yesterday and she found every reason she could bring up that I’m making her and my family mad. This included a convo I had with my mom when I said I wanted all the BM’s hair to look somewhat consistent, just the same style adjusted for different lengths so they all look cohesive.
Mom was mad that I wasn’t going to ask my BP but instead tell them what I wanted. All my friends know that I’m easygoing and open to compromise but she refused to see my perspective and focused on that she thought my attitude was out of check.
I reminded her that planning my wedding isn’t the time for me to be a people pleaser like I’ve been conditioned to do my whole life.
My sister brought up the convo w/o knowing how I wanted the hair to look (1/2 up 1/2 down) and decided I was as wrong as my mom had decided, that the bride doesn’t get to pick the BP’s hair bc it’s their bodies and I can’t tell them what to do and she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to.
I told her that I would figure out an alternative that worked for everyone if there were issues. She kept going back to that I am wrong. I think it’s normal for the bride to pick how the BP’s hair looks for her wedding and pictures.
I told my sister calmly that if she feels that strongly about this it is her choice to not participate, and it would make me upset, but she could if she wanted to. Just I need to know to make other plans and to take time to think about it.
She agreed to think about it and get back to me. I expect her to still be a BM because ultimately it’s about her and she wants the attention.
I called my MOH after the phone call with my sister for advice and she thought I was being fair and liked the idea of hair and my approach to the wedding.
AITJ for picking how the BP hair looks for my wedding and for fighting for what’s important to me?”
Another User Comments:
“It’s very common for brides to request a certain hairstyle for the bridesmaids. On occasion, it’s not reasonable (e.g., demanding hair be cut, dyed, or styled in a way that simply is not compatible with a hair type).
Basically, if the bridesmaid can return to her previous hairstyle after washing her hair, it’s fair game. Sounds like that’s exactly what this is.
Your sister is being absolutely toxic. Right now it’s the hairstyle. Before it was not being asked to be MOH. Next, it will be the dress, maybe?
Or which groomsman escorts her? Or the order they enter/exit? All of the above? Something else? No idea, but it will be something. Then something else.
You already gave her the option to drop out if she doesn’t like it. If she chooses to stay in, I’d say accept that, tell her she can express an opinion, but ultimately you will make the decisions and there will not be another second chance.” JsCTmav
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are being flexible on everything, not forcing any physical changes on anyone, and working with your bridal party to make sure everyone is happy. Your sister refuses to work with you because she doesn’t want to find a solution, she wants to punish you.
I don’t know why she is so determined to do so, maybe it’s just the perceived slight over not getting the MOH position she felt entitled to. Likely it’s something deeper, maybe some old resentment or jealousy. But she and your mother are going out of their way to make you into a villain, and refusing to acknowledge anything you do that says otherwise.
My advice? Drop her as a bridesmaid, and cut both her and your mother out of any wedding planning. Tell them you think they’ll be happier that way, as guests can wear whatever hairstyle they want.” sci_fi_bi
Another User Comments:
“I can get on board with consistent dresses as long as you’re taking into account the different body shapes and sizes of your bridesmaids.
Anyone who is a bridesmaid understands there will be a bridesmaid dress that may not be their favorite, but that‘s part of the bridesmaid deal. That said, I love the trend of using a consistent color with bridesmaids having a choice of a few styles in the same fabric and color.
“Consistent“ hair I think is tougher and a bigger ask. I have extremely curly hair and there are a lot of styles that it just won‘t do. Even if you blow it out straight for a day, there’s a pretty good chance it won’t cooperate for more than a few minutes, especially if it’s anything other than a perfectly sunny non-humid day.
Women with ethnic hair have struggles with this too. Frankly, I had cancer and was bald for a while and I either went bald, wore a wig which would have been difficult and possibly damaging to style, or wore a pixie cut while it was growing back.
No chance of an updo when your hair is very short.
I realize you aren’t asking for changes in cuts and color, but styles can be tricky too. People aren’t consistent. Hats or headpieces can be added with each bridesmaid styling it to suit their own hair, but the thought of a consistent hairstyle would freak me out too.
Channeling the 70s, it sounds like the Stepford Wives.” Princess-Bridget
1. AITJ For Getting Tattoos Of My Friend's Kids' Names As I Consider Myself Their Aunt?
“I 22F got into an argument with my 23M brother’s partner 22F over dinner at my parents’ house about my newest tattoo.
A little bit of context before getting into the argument. Growing up I hung out a lot with a girl who was much older than me and I very much viewed her as a sister I never had.
Her family easily accepted me as their own (which made me feel amazing because I had a very unstructured home life, both parents are still together but tensions always ran high). I was always treated as another daughter in my sudo-sister’s family and her nephews and niece always saw me as another aunt, and I saw them as my niece and nephews.
Back to the argument at hand. My brother’s partner has never liked the fact that I call them my niece and nephews. Going as far as to say, “Well, you’re not really their aunt.” I’ve always brushed it off or replied back with a passive-aggressive comment.
She’s always treated me less than and belittled me despite us being the same age.
I’ve also always enjoyed tattoos and enjoy getting both pointless “I like them cause they’re cool” ones and also ones that are more meaningful.
Very recently I got a full floral sleeve done on my right arm and made sure to hide my niece and nephews’ first names in the line art, so it was both a piece I loved for its beauty and held meaning for myself.
About a month later at dinner with my parents, my brother’s girl makes a comment about the tattoo asking why I got it. I go into an explanation of how I just like it, plus it’s easy to subtly hide names in it. She then asked whose names were in it, so I pointed out the three names.
She looked shocked and confused asking why I would get names of kids who I’m not even related to. I’ll be honest, I’m not good at holding back my facial expressions, so I just looked at her like she was dumb. She then went on to ask if I would get tattoos of her and my brother’s kids.
This has been something I’ve thought about and has always come down to how involved in their life I’ll be. I see my current niece and nephews at least three times a month and go to every big event of theirs. Not to say I wouldn’t do the same for my brother’s future kids but my brother and I have never had a very close relationship, and it became even more distant when his girl came into the picture.
It’s also never been a relationship I’ve needed to have in my life. Also, these kids don’t even exist yet.
So after she asked if I would get their kids’ names I very calmly said “probably not” which threw her into a hissy fit.
Meanwhile, my brother looked completely uninterested going as far as to say “why does it matter?” His girl looked even more upset and accused me of not caring about my family at all and saying I was betraying my family.
After she huffed off my brother went to calm her down and a few minutes later said they were gonna head home.
Meanwhile, his girl was at the front door crying quietly.
So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your body, your choice.
Your brother’s partner is rude for devaluing your relationship with your friend’s kids. I think it’s nice that they see you as their aunt.
And his partner is also a jerk for demanding that you get more tattoos of other family members.
Family is chosen by an individual and you can have anyone in your family as you see fit. I’m glad your brother doesn’t care about your tattoo.” Gradtattoo_9009
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You have family you have, and family you choose. She has an issue with the fact you’re super close to someone, it’s her problem, not yours. If she wants something like that, she would have to cultivate that relationship and so would your brother.” _wjaf
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