People Ask For Judgment On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Prohibiting My Friend's Son To Play With My Things?
“So I (23) have cerebral palsy and I am using a walking stick and a three-wheel bike to go from place to place. My Friend (F22) has three children, the eldest Finn (Fake name) is obsessed with my bike every time I am with them, he asks for my bike, sometimes he would use it without my permission.
Finn doesn’t know how to handle my bike with care. I had my bike since I was about 12 and I am hoping that I could still use it as long as possible.
I stopped using it because whenever my dad (55) sees Finn is using my bike he gets furious (because of an accident, he has brain damage, thus making his temper impossible to control.) To avoid further conflict I’ve decided to just use my stick.
Unfortunately, in Finn’s eyes, it’s a sword. I understand that he is a child, but If I were to let him play with it he might end up destroying it. I am always telling him that he shouldn’t touch my things because they are not toys, but my biggest concern is that if he manages to destroy my stuff I don’t have any idea what my dad would do.
AITJ?
Edit: I have spoken to my friend about enforcing discipline on her children. She said that they understand the concept of No. It’s just that if they don’t bother her, she lets them do their own thing.
Clarification: I go to her house to give myself a break from the seriousness of life.
I guess I just have to be watchful of my things every time I go to her house.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she has basically said if it doesn’t bother her she lets them. So in truth what she is saying is she doesn’t give a toss about you or your belongings and doesn’t respect you enough to enforce discipline and boundaries to her kids.
I’m sorry she isn’t your friend, only in the small part that suits her regardless if it’s harmful to you.
STOP VISITING HER. Make it clear she herself said it does not bother her if the mobility aids you rely on are destroyed, that it’s all on her, and if anything is done to your aid she will be held fully responsible for paying for a replacement even if it means taking her to court.
Her child her responsibility.
I’m sorry you can’t see it but this person is treating you terribly. Your dad is right to go mad. She is the one disrespecting you and your property.” Sweet-Interview5620
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Medical devices are not toys. DME is specifically adjusted to the user and isn’t always so simple to replace.
This needs to be a hard boundary, voiceless. DME is not a toy. Make sure it’s known that if it is treated like a toy the parent will be responsible for the cost or will be sued for the cost of the replacements and duress.
This probably is against your rights, and you need to stand up for yourself. I get if it doesn’t feel like a safe thing to do with a dad like that, but you are risking your own independence if you fail to make this stop.
You absolutely would be the jerk to yourself if you don’t make this stop somehow. For Christ’s sake, OP stand up for yourself please, this hurts to read.” Ell15
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your assistive devices are absolutely not toys, nor should this kid be allowed to see them as such.
I did wonder how old he was, but that doesn’t particularly matter in terms of your boundaries being incredibly valid. I didn’t see age, but it’s honestly just a sliding scale of jerkery to me: either less so because he’s like 4-5, or more so if he’s older but even so, his parents should have your side in this and not raise a kid that finds it acceptable or even a given that he can just play with your things as he pleases.” AstarteOfCaelius
17. AITJ For Asking For Funds For A Hysterectomy Instead Of Useless Gifts?
“So I (17M) am trans (FTM) and am also heavily childfree. I don’t like children, I’ve never liked children, I don’t find them cute (honestly they’re all stick and gross to me), I fear if one is left alone with me bad things will happen.
You get the gist I’m never having kids. Not now, not ever.
I am also very open about this with my extended family, which always receives the classic nonsense like ‘you’ll want them when you’re older’ ‘what if you accidentally get pregnant’ (my partner is also FTM trans so I’d love to see the mental gymnastics for this one) etc.
From my aunt, uncle, half-sister, grunkle, niece, that weird friend who I’m forced to call an aunt, and even my own mother.
Now onto the main issue: I have been slowly saving up since the start of this year to get a hysterectomy when I’m hopefully 25 ish, I’ve currently got about 563 ish towards this fund.
Recently my mom asked me what my extended family (see list above) should get me for Christmas. But. Specified it can’t be ‘anything disgusting’ which by that she means taxidermy, bones, or a large chunk of the stuff I’m actually into.
I couldn’t think of anything at the time (and still can’t if I’m honest) so I just suggested they chuck some funds to me via PayPal so I can put it into my hysterectomy fund. Instead of buying me something vaguely related to an old interest of mine that’s probably gonna get thrown away.
To say my mother lost her mind would be an understatement. She went on a tirade of how I ‘should just drop the hysterectomy thing for now,’ ‘you can worry about it when you’re older,’ ‘that defeats the sentimental purpose of Christmas’ and on and on.
She even brought up how her friend is pregnant and it would be a slap in the face to her? (she has trouble carrying to term). Honestly, I shut down after the first 10 minutes until she stopped yelling so I could go back to my room.
This was two days ago and we just haven’t brought it up. But I heard my aunt over speaker ask my mom what she should get me for Christmas so I know the argument is gonna happen again.
Also some points I didn’t know where to jam in:
I am out as trans to most of my family.
None of them respect it at all.
Another reason I want to get a hysterectomy over anything else is my family has a history of cancer, gynecological problems, and PCOS. So frankly I don’t wanna deal with that nonsense if I can help it.
– my half-sister is a devout catholic (the believes all women should have children no matter what kinda crazy (honestly I think she’s homophobic as well) so I was told it would be an insult to her religious beliefs/
So, AITJ for asking for funds towards my hysterectomy fund instead of useless stuff?”
Another User Comments:
“Bud, I am going to give you some straight-up bad advice…
lie. You’re NTJ, just young. You can say it’s for anything but a hysterectomy… college, books, saving up for a deposit on an apartment, a rainy day. Yeah, yeah, you’re going to get a lot of ‘oh, do your gosh darndest to be true to yourself!!’ I honestly think the people who believe that are already IN a financially secure place, have a nice job and live in a community that readily accepts them.
It doesn’t sound like you’re there yet… at all. I have every hope you will be and that it does Get Better.
MORE INFO – what was your reasoning for saying the hysterectomy? To shock? To emphasize the male part of your identity? A rejection of being feminine? I am genuinely curious about what drove your decision process here.
You’re young, so I will give you some slack. Research trans medical care to the best of your abilities. Would you like to stop bleeding? Are you starting hormone therapy? How do these affect your care? Do you have a proper, supportive care provider who is knowledgeable? Please take care of yourself, first and foremost.
Good luck!” lab_0990
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but as a woman let me tell you, it’s not so easy to just up and get a hysterectomy. You have to have major issues with it. Not wanting kids is not good enough for the medical establishment.
The fact that it’s our body and we should be able to do with it as we please is not a good enough reason. Good luck, OP.” Ok_Image6174
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – That’s a better thing to ask for than to let them get you a bunch of random stuff you don’t need! I hate how people police reproductive rights when someone has a uterus — not every single uterus in the world NEEDS to carry a child, that’s not what every single person wants for their life or their body, people need to calm down.” Lizardd06
16. AITJ For Refusing To Pay My Babysitter Early?
“I am a single mother to an almost 1-year-old. I recently changed jobs and had to find new childcare for my son. A lady was referred thru a mutual friend and I spoke with her. We agreed on a price and I ran a background check on her.
She wanted to do a weekly rate. She is good with my son and we agreed that she would watch him in my home. I told her that I might not work every day but I needed her every day (M-F from 7:15-4:30) if I was paying for the entire week.
The first week, I paid her the entire week even though she only worked 3 days. The following week she got really sick so she didn’t come.
Last week, my son had a dr. appt on Monday so I didn’t go to work.
I asked her to come from 7:15-12 so I could get some things done. She didn’t come. Tuesday and Wednesday were fine. On Wednesday afternoon, she asked if I could pay her early because she needed a new tire for her car.
I agreed because the tire on the car was the emergency tire. We had really bad weather on Thursday and Friday so the city was basically shut down.
This week, she called me Sunday night and told me she wanted to take my son to a surprise birthday party for her dad.
I told her no and that I needed her to come at 7:15 Monday morning so I could get some stuff done before going in at noon. She said she couldn’t because of her dad’s party. I told her I had to leave at 11:30.
She didn’t show up until 11:50. I barely made it to work. Yesterday, she was late again and as soon as she walked through the door, she mentioned that her dad’s party was that afternoon. She said she had to leave at 12:30 yesterday since she couldn’t take my son to the party.
I came home at 12:30 because I didn’t want her taking my son anywhere. I told her she needed to be on time today. She was 9 minutes late today. As I was leaving, she asked if I could pay her early because she needed money for gas.
I told her I couldn’t because I don’t get paid until Friday.
As soon as I got home, she left (we usually chat for a few minutes). She sent me a text asking for me to send half tonight so she would have gas money come tomorrow.
I told her I couldn’t. She got very upset with me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she sounds irresponsible and these incidents will only become worse. She needs to go! You don’t need the stress on top of working and being a mom.
Can you find a reputable sitter through an agency? Good luck!” Gubblers
Another User Comments:
“Gonna need to know what you are paying her to make a call here.
I’m guessing you are severely underpaying and are getting what you paid for. Is she making a living wage on this full-time job you have hired her for? If not, then YTJ.
It is also illegal to pay a weekly rate to a nanny (someone providing care in your home) in the US. You must pay hourly, with overtime after 40 hours/week, at at least the minimum wage in your area. Most nannies make considerably more than minimum wage.” Turnip_2026
Another User Comments:
“I know childcare is tough, but she is not trustworthy enough to be with your baby. And now that she is ‘very upset’ I would be afraid to leave him with her. Her expectations are not reasonable which is always concerning. You’re NTJ (unless you continue to trust her with your Lil one).” Major_Barnacle_2212
15. AITJ For Forcing My Mom To Give Me 10K When She Is Broke?
“My parents are divorced and they used shared custody. I hated living with my mom especially after she got remarried. She didn’t spend a lot of time with me and was focused on building a relationship with her husband and his children.
I liked living with my dad because of my stepmom but she left him and he started to drink. I lived with my mom full time for the last 2 years. I really hate it here and I have been waiting to leave.
My mom just ignores me and I know she hates that she has to take care of me and she has openly said she regrets having me.
My grandma gave my mother 10000 dollars which was meant for my education. I asked her for it as I am moving out and she said she would give it to me when I am planning to go to college.
I told her that I didn’t trust her and she was very reluctant and I finally snapped and said that if she didn’t give me the money then I will tell my aunt about it and everyone will know she spent the money on herself.
My mom was mad but she managed to give me 10000 but she said it was spiteful that I forced her to give me 10000 and I had no care for the fact that she took care of me for years and how ungrateful I am of stepdad for paying for everything and giving me 10000 has hurt them a lot.
I feel guilty because I know that 10000 is a lot and it probably hurt to give me that money and I know that I was not being very ethical about it.”
Another User Comments:
“My parents stole $10,000 in savings bonds that my grandmother left me.
They used it to pay toward the mortgage on a house that was eventually foreclosed on, so it was literally like throwing it into a burning pit. They didn’t tell me until I wanted to use it to pay down part of my student loans (that I had to take out entirely on my own, no financial help from the family whatsoever) and then (surprise!) the money is long gone.
What started out as ~$50,000 in loans became almost $90,000 over a decade, because the interest rates were crazy high (one loan was literally 9.75% interest!!!) and I was barely earning enough to pay rent and food, nowhere close to the nearly $1000 per month the loan company wanted.
Wrecked my credit, spent years rebuilding it, and only in the last 2 years do I have good credit and can at least afford the MINIMUM payments every month… Which is basically just paying interest and barely paying down their actual loans, but at least I’m not drowning anymore.
Moral of the story? Get. Your. Goddamn. Money. Now.
NTJ.” car55tar5
Another User Comments:
“Are you planning on using the money for your education, or did you use that to move out? Your grandmother earmarked funds for your education which if it wasn’t put in a trust or something similar to use when the time came was given to your mother.
If you used some to move out and have no plans for going to college you basically aren’t giving a care about WHAT the money is used for. So using it for your daily expenses is fine, just as long as your mother didn’t make that choice.
But if that money wasn’t there you would be okay with using her income or her husband’s income for your needs? You got it in your head that it was yours, and because of your not liking how your mother is living her life I think YTJ more than she is.
Unless it was specified it’s for your post-high school education, and not available until then it could mean for your care costs like clothes and stuff for teen years.
You got the money and you moved out and you feel guilty for some reason and that’s what is leading me to think YTJ.” shutyercakeholesam
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Let me get this straight. You feel guilty for telling your mother that you want the funds that your grandmother gave her for your education. It was never your mother’s. It was your grandmother’s money until you received it for your education.
If your mother spent it and then had to hurry up and scrounge up coins to replace it, that is on her. She should have never spent it in the first place.
Besides that, it was her job as a parent to take care of you.
If she didn’t want to take care of you, she shouldn’t have had you. You had no control over being brought into this world. Sucks that she didn’t want to be a parent but that is on her. Never feel guilty for being a child that had no control over being brought into the world.
Unfortunately, there are people that are just not meant to be parents and they have kids. The best thing you can do is move on with your life and limit contact as much as possible because she has made it clear that you are not a priority in her life.
I can tell you with time you will feel less guilty. This comes from experience. Felt really guilty and let my own mother get away with a lot of things that I shouldn’t have. She literally financially ruined me for years and I still didn’t do anything about it.
The final straw was when she tried to ruin my sister’s wedding. After that, I went limited contact and I am now no contact with her and have moved 2000 miles away to ensure she can’t just come back into my life. I felt really guilty when I did it but I was put in a position that I either did something or was never going to have my own life.” 4U2NV1981
14. WIBTJ If I Told My Friends The Truth About Santa?
“I (13m) have a group of family friends around my age, the youngest being 11. Last night, we were at a Christmas party at one of my friend’s houses. Now both the friend and I whose house it was have known for years that Santa isn’t actually real.
This has nothing to do with culture, or religion, but rather that we asked a lot of questions when we were younger, as a magical guy on a sleigh delivering presents to billions of people didn’t really make sense to us.
Now anyways, a few other friends still do believe in Santa, all of their ages ranging from 11 to 14. It got kind of awkward when they started theorizing about how Santa knows how precisely what you want for Christmas. I didn’t want to say anything, so I sat down and talked to the friend who knew Santa wasn’t real.
I’m wondering if I would be in the wrong to tell people who are nearing their teenage years that Santa isn’t real, as I feel like believing in this kind of thing does give people hope and happiness that maybe they could be like that.
WIBTJ for telling them that Santa isn’t real?
Edit: I accept all judgments and advice and won’t say a word until they learn themselves.”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think you would be the jerk, because you’re all young kids, but I just wouldn’t do it.
I’ll give you an example – when my cousin and I were both 12 (I’m now 29) I accidentally let the ‘Santa out of the bag’ and just crushed her whole world. I felt terrible, not to mention I got in trouble with her mom (my aunt).
While I think it was odd that she still hadn’t figured that out yet, I did feel terrible to be the one that ruined it for her. So here I am, almost 30 years old and now thinking about it, I still feel kinda bad.” imanonymoushi
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, but I mean as adults you don’t really think about it unless it was a frantic experience on how it was brought up.
Most adults keep it alive because they see how much joy it is and some of those kids may know but love the fun in believing especially if they have younger siblings. Some people have traditions on how they break the news and how they handle it.
With everything going on let them enjoy it for as long as possible, it’s making them happy and possibly the most happiness some get.” Bonez4Life
Another User Comments:
“HARD YTJ from me. It isn’t your place to police what they do or do not believe.
At the end of the day, isn’t it true that all that matters is whether or not they’re happy? Tell me, what harm comes from them believing that Santa is real? I would never go up to a child and tell them that the tooth fairy isn’t real, it’s just mom and dad putting a dollar under their pillow after they’re asleep.
It isn’t my place, nor is it yours, to police their beliefs, even if I may think it’s folly. It brings them joy, and that should be enough to leave things alone.
Eventually, they’ll grow out of it. But you don’t have the right to shatter their illusions simply because you don’t think it makes sense.
To them, it does. They’re still young enough that they could take that pretty badly if not done carefully. I don’t think you want to be the bully that opens that can of worms on Christmas.” TheEuphoricTribble
Another User Comments:
“You’re still really young, and I’m not going to call you a jerk.
I am going to ask you to consider waiting another year before telling anyone. This has been a horrible past 2 years, and it’s really not looking like 2022 is going to be that much better. Let them hang onto their hope and happiness a little longer.
Give their parents time to approach it with them BEFORE the next holiday season; let them have this one last year to believe.
Also – you get major compassion/empathy points for asking about it first. A lot of people your age wouldn’t have, and might have needlessly caused pain.” Ok_Cry_1741
13. AITJ For Telling My Sister Not Liking/Wanting Kids Isn't A Personality Trait?
“I 25 F, have always wanted a large family. I have a 2-year-old son and daughter while pregnant with another set of twins, with my fiancé, Joey. Our parents and other family members are so happy that we’re having more kids, but there’s one person who isn’t so happy.
My sister, Jodie, 19 is a firm feminist (as am I) and that’s the only thing we really agree on. Jodie isn’t a kid person and has told everyone multiple times that she doesn’t want kids. My family and I don’t really care as that’s her choice and we love her no matter what.
She barely bothered with my two kids, and when they want to play with their aunt, she told them to ‘get lost and stop bothering me, little jerks.’ I had an argument with her about it and we didn’t speak for months until she apologized and promised to ease up, and she did and was good with my kids.
When I announced I was having another set of twins, this time identical girls, everyone was so happy but Jodie decided to just scoff and tell us that there is bigger stuff to be happy about. Not wanting to add any stress I’m having, I plastered a smile on my face and continued having a good day.
Later on, she pulled me aside and as ‘kindly as she could’ told me that I’m not a real feminist because a real one doesn’t have kids and doesn’t need a man by her side as they did in the 50s, or bow down to a man, and with this comment, I’d had enough.
I told her that she was a despicable little girl, who trashes the reputation of feminists and that not wanting nor liking kids is not a personality trait, and that I let her live her life the way she lives, and that she has no right to have a say in mine.
I haven’t talked to her since and while my dad’s on my side, my mom says that was a jerk move, and that I need to apologize.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Yikes, what an irritating kid Jodie must be. Feminism is about choice in how we live our lives and what roles we take on.
Quite a few very young feminists and some gender separatists think like your sister, but most of us figure out along the way that denying individual reproductive and relationship choices harms women and is antifeminist.
Important feminist thinkers like Betty Friedan and Adrienne Rich dismissed the idea that feminism should oppose motherhood per se.
Feminism is opposed to coerced, unexamined, unsupported, or inequitable motherhood. Inclusive, intersectional feminism champions every person’s bodily and relational autonomy.
Your sister owes you a huge apology for projecting her issues onto your relationship and your parenthood.
And nobody should ever talk to young children like she did.
Not liking children does not excuse anyone from the basic manners that make it possible for groups of people to function when they must be together, and from understanding age-appropriate expectations of children in a family group.
Best of luck from a queer feminist parent who had choices, knew what they were, and picked this life on purpose.” Amiedeslivres
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Good for you dad. Let’s be real, we as humans will cease to exist if all women chose they don’t want kids. And your rude sister would also not exist without a woman willing to carry her. She isn’t a feminist, she’s a judgmental tyrant.
True feminists are about choice. Women have the right to chose daily – career or both. And they support each woman’s choice because it was theirs to make. I have a feeling your sister is just jealous of the attention you are receiving and is trying to pick a fight.
I honestly think she has been trying to get a rise out of your entire family for some time. But all of you have just basically said, ‘cool! If that’s what you want then we want you to be happy.’ So now she is personally targeting you to get that fight she so desperately needs.
Don’t give in. Nothing annoys a narcissist more than living your life and being happy. Don’t engage with her at all. The best way to stop this is to go no contact. Cut her off.
And, unfortunately, that means possibly not attending family functions.
If your family wants to be around you and the kids, they need to step up and back you. Because this behavior is toxic and she is targeting you and your children. And there is no reason for any of you to tolerate it.” Last_Caterpillar8770
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Sounds like she’s using her personal ideological views to exert control over other people and generally just be a jerk – especially egregious since she’s being a jerk towards small children. You’re right to call her out on that.
I don’t personally consider myself a feminist, but only with respect to the fact that I don’t go out of my way to actively advocate for feminist issues.
One reading of feminism would suggest that the goal is for women to have the right to choose their own way of life, and not be prevented from pursuing that life through barriers or any forms of coercion. Wanting a big family, being cis/straight, and getting married to a man – that’s a perfectly valid way to live.
It sounds like your sister is using her views of feminism to try and exert control over the life you want to live. This is entirely antithetical to the above reading of feminism, as I would consider that a form of coercion.
Giving women the freedom to live a life they want, free from barriers or coercion, also means women have the right to choose lives you wouldn’t pick yourself (or even disagree with entirely). I would be interested to hear why your sister believes the things she does – why are you not a ‘real feminist’ for wanting kids and getting married? In her own words, what is the goal of feminism? How does that differ from your own beliefs on the goals of feminism? Having that conversation might prove fruitful, you may be able to figure out some fundamental differences in your personal views. Or you might not.” lynk_messenger
12. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For Her Dinner?
“So I (26M) and Kyla (24F) met on the internet. We messaged a few times but nothing really happened from it. A couple of months later we see each other at a mutual friend’s wedding. We talk most of the night and have a great time.
I ask for Kyla’s number from our mutual friend. We text for a few weeks and eventually make plans to meet. We have plans to meet for drinks and she cancels last minute. Basically 10 minutes before we are set to meet for dinner Kyla tells me something came up and can’t make it.
I tell Kyla it’s fine and she starts taking longer to text, is short, and less engaged. Eventually, Kyla quits responding and I move on. A week later she calls to apologize and asks if we can meet up again. I agree only because my friend’s new wife convinced me.
The time comes for us to meet and it started off rocky. Kyla showed up late saying traffic was bad. She brought up her past relationships constantly and it made me uncomfortable. She did apologize for canceling originally, saying she was nervous.
She also had multiple drinks and a shot. I only had 2 drinks. She was also on her phone, not the whole time but enough for me to notice. Things weren’t going well and the conversation was stiff. When the bill comes they ask how we’re doing it and I say split it.
Kyla looks at me and says ‘I didn’t actually bring my wallet.’ At this point, I’m just done and say ‘I’m sorry but I’m not paying and I don’t think this is gonna work.’ I paid my bill and left while Kyla sat there.
My friend’s wife calls me that night yelling at me and calling me a jerk. I guess Kyla’s sister had to come bring her money. I’ve been called a jerk by some of the friend groups. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… She bailed the 1st time and openly lied about her excuse that ‘something came up’, told you she lied after SHOWING UP LATE AGAIN (which I can bet my last two cents that the traffic thing was a nonsense lie if she was so comfortable lying before) and then tried to out drink you??? I am cackling at how badly this turned out it’s legitimately a 2000s rom-com montage moment.
It sounds like the married friends – or the wife at least – were pushing another couple together so they had another ‘friend couple’ to hang out with. I would be ashamed if I tried to hook my homegirl up with someone she may have blown a chance with just to have her show up late and conveniently ‘forget her wallet’ after drinking like a sailor while making no effort to feign enjoyment.
The fact she called to cuss you out instead of asking, ‘my dude, what happened?’ speaks loads of her character and personality. Good luck to your friend and that marriage. And let’s be honest, the friend only showed up to have some drinks and bail… and if she woofed them down that quickly, odds are YOU WERE JUST THE PREGAME.
Yikes on bikes, good on you for saying screw this and running. I’m surprised you didn’t leave a Wile E Coyote imprint on the door of that watering hole. Snaps for actually waiting for her to get there to decide nope on a rope, this ain’t it though.
That might’ve been the first deal-breaker for me, so you seem like a decent guy to not stand her up as she did to you the first time. Take the loss on this one and hopefully, you find your forever person.
Thank God I’m married, going out with people is bananas these days.” bettybb8386
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at ALL! If she called and asked if you could meet up again, SHE is actually the one who should have paid. The one who invites does the paying if we’re going to be all traditional about it.
And just for context? Generally speaking, I’m the one who once the bill comes will offer to pay out of courtesy, and I expect him to say ‘of course not!’ and wave my hand away before my card hits the table…
but I’d also eat my own foot before I’d ask a man out. I don’t mind if others do! I don’t judge that! It’s just not for ME! And if I DID ask a man out, you bet your butt I’d be the one paying, because that’s just good manners.
You invite someone, YOU pay.
Who shows up with no wallet and then chugs booze? Bro, you dodged a bullet there.
People… don’t do that. It’s setting yourself up for potential disaster. Smh… Don’t show up without a way to pay your own way.
If you are expecting to be paid for? Order at the same level as your host. You don’t have to drink as much or eat as much, but do not eat/drink over. Price-wise or quantity. Always have enough to pay your own way, even if you expect to be hosted because sometimes disaster happens or your host loses their wallet.
(One time my ex-husband took me out to dinner in NYC and then realized he’d lost his credit card at some point. He started to panic, I shushed him and told him not to let it spoil the night and brought out my own card because I prepare for this sort of thing).” LuckOfTheDevil
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to have to disagree with everyone and say you were a bit of a jerk.
I can understand why you wanted to end the outing and even why you wanted to split the check. But once she told you she couldn’t pay, you shouldn’t have just left her. What if she hadn’t been able to get ahold of a friend? Unfortunately, the world is not the same place for men and women as of yet.
Leaving a woman alone without anything and possibly no way home is pretty crappy. She was an idiot not to have money on her person, but you could have been the bigger person and made sure she was ok before leaving.
Even if you didn’t pay her share, you could have waited to leave until you knew she was able to get ahold of someone who could come down and bring her money.
The real problem here was you were already annoyed at what you perceived as disinterest before.
You had to be talked into going out. You ignored your instincts and then sat there getting progressively more annoyed as time went by. Yes, she was rude by looking at her phone and she seemed a little wishy-washy about it overall.
Maybe there were reasons for this (she has social anxiety, something going on in her personal life, maybe she felt pressured to go out just like you), maybe not. I can see why your feelings were hurt; however, I think a more mature response would have been to be honest upfront as soon as you felt her disinterest.
You should have said something like ‘look, I don’t think you are really in the mood and, not that you owe me an explanation, but you’re making me feel like you aren’t really interested in me and, to be honest, I’m not really feeling it either.
We had fun at the wedding and, as we might have to see each other in the future at mutual friends’ gathering, why don’t we just end it here (after one drink) so it’s not awkward later?’ And then when she didn’t have her wallet, you could have covered her one drink.
It all would have been no big deal. Instead, it’s now fodder for drama in your mutual friend group.” NoBat7364
Another User Comments:
“Y’all might come for me for this one, but I think, although you were under no obligation to pay, leaving someone behind stuck with a bill that you’re going out with is a bit of a jerk move.
Kyla is definitely the biggest jerk in this story, but I get why the friend group might call you a jerk. A much better move would’ve been to ask her to Venmo you since she clearly had her phone, or to Venmo request or something since someone in their 20s who’s active on their phone definitely would have some form of mobile fund transfer.
I feel like that’s a much better move, especially since you clearly have mutual friends, and she was forced to involve someone else to front the funds for her since she didn’t have a wallet. (though I’m sure she had options). So I’m going with a very gentle ‘everyone sucks here.'” del2000
11. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For Dinner After My Friend Donated My Stuffed Toys?
“My (18F) friend (18M) was in my dorm room with me and went over to my bed, which has my stuffed animals on it. He was like ‘whose stuffed animals are these?’ I said they were mine obviously, and then he was incredulous and was like ‘You’re 18 years old.
Why would you bring stuffed animals to college?’ And I was like, ‘why wouldn’t I?’ He said it was cringy and there are zero reasons why an adult should have stuffed animals whatsoever. I was like ‘mind your own business. It’s not my fault your parents never gave you stuffed animals.’
So, it’s generally the norm for most people to have the door to their suite propped open almost 24/7.
Some people close it in the middle of the night, and some don’t. I came back to the suite later and my roommate told me my friend had come in and taken all my stuffed animals off my bed ‘since I had asked him to.’ I called my friend and asked, ‘where are my stuffed animals?’ He said he donated them to a shelter right off-campus because they’re ‘for little girls, not adults’ and kids should have them.
I was seeing red. My parents used to get me a stuffed animal as a souvenir every time we traveled to another country growing up. He literally donated hundreds of dollars worth of one-of-a-kind stuffed animals that I can only get from other countries.
I went to the shelter and demanded all my stuffed animals back, and I got them back, and I told my other friends he was sick in the head.
When we were eating dinner, they all took sides because they said it’s ‘creepy for a grown woman to have stuffed animals.’ I was originally paying for the whole dinner so we wouldn’t have to have separate checks, and they were going to Venmo me.
After this happened, I decided to just pay for my food and leave, forcing them all to scramble to figure out how to pay.
AITJ for deciding not to pay after they defended his theft of my stuffed animals?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It wouldn’t matter if they were cheap old pebbles or expensive jewelry, theft is theft.
He is a controlling jerk, and your ‘friends’ aren’t much better. And you didn’t stiff your friends by slipping out and not paying your share. You simply decided that you didn’t need to go out of your way to make it easy on these people who are obviously not really your friends.
I would seriously consider sending your stuffed animals back home to your parents where they’ll be safe, and just keep a couple that are easily replaceable. I wouldn’t put it past your ‘friends’ to come in themselves and take them for revenge, telling themselves they’re ‘curing’ you of your ‘weird creepy addiction’.
At 65, I still have a few from my childhood, and my daughter (29) still has an entire netful of them hanging from the corner of the ceiling of her room. She sleeps with a stuffed spider. It goes with us on trips.
It’s comfortable under her neck, and it amuses her to sleep with something that freaks most people out. (Of course, we also have 6 live nonvenomous snakes at home!)
Enjoy your collection and keep it safe!” Rocket_scientists
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Unsurprisingly, despite having a lot of opinions on ‘what grown-ups do’, your friends are the ones who are behaving like children.
The truth is that actual mature adults understand that what other people do with their time and resources, what they love, what makes them happy, is no one’s business as long as it isn’t harming anyone else. And for the record, there isn’t a decent therapist in the world who would agree that stuffed animals or any other comfort object are just ‘for little girls’.
I’m in my late 40s and my friends still buy me stuffed animals for birthdays and holidays because I’m chronically ill and they’re more fun than small pillows for propping up my sore shoulders/arms. Plus, they cheer up a room!
Your friends are narrow-minded and judgemental, and the fact that they would call you ‘creepy’ over something as minor and inconsequential as having stuffed animals (especially ones that you’ve explained have sentimental value) makes them…
well, not really your friends. Real friends don’t call each other disgusting names for doing totally normal things.
Also, I mean this in the kindest way, but while 18 may be the legal age of majority in many countries, that’s a very arbitrary judicial line and has nothing to do with meaningful developmental milestones.
18 is very much NOT a ‘grown woman’, and you ARE very much still allowed to cling to your childhood comforts. You’re literally still a teenager. You have the rest of your life to be a grown-up. Don’t let them shove you out of that too fast.
Your frontal lobe won’t even stop developing until you’re 25 or 26.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. start locking your room door if possible, and please please PLEASE get new friends asap. These people sound like awful, energy-draining, soul-sucking jerks who don’t have a clue what boundaries are.
You’re too old for stuffed animals… at EIGHTEEN?? You’re still a teenager. Even if you’re almost 19 now, you’re still a kid. Are you just expected to throw out your entire childhood the moment you have your 18th birthday? You can’t legally buy booze or smoke.
You can barely vote. I don’t mean this offensively toward you at ALL, but you’re not an adult yet.
Legally, I suppose you are. But turning 18 definitely doesn’t automatically make you a ‘grown-up’. Human brains don’t stop development until our mid-20s.
How many of your friends think they’re grown up at 18? Sounds to me like they’re not grown up enough to figure out dinner without your help. Do they realize their lives haven’t even started yet? And the fact that every single friend sided with the guy who quite literally stole your possessions and got rid of them without asking you is a HUGE red flag. None of these people respect you and don’t deserve to be your friends.” shinigamiieyes
10. AITJ For Refusing To Pay My Step Kids' Medical Bills?
“My husband and I are in a conundrum. His ex-wife has custody of his three older children.
Per court-ordered parenting plan, we are required to provide health insurance for the kiddos. We do. She has the information. She is required to ‘attempt to use all insurance available, even if it means the kids see different providers’.
We are required to pay half of all uninsured costs.
She actively refuses to use our provided insurance because it’s provided through my employer. She chooses to use her own and racks up these MASSIVE medical bills and expects us to pay half.
After paying for two medical bills, we have told her we will no longer be paying half unless she attempts to use our health insurance, per the court order. We are NOT required to pay if she chooses to not use our insurance.
She’s annoyed big time we won’t pay and is bad-mouthing us to the kids, saying we are deadbeat and Dad doesn’t care about them, that he only cares about our child (we have an 18-month-old together).
When we told her we will no longer pay, we provided her with information for providers that accept our insurance in her area (they live in a rural area) so she could easily contact them and get the kids in.
They also live less than an hour away from a giant medical campus that only accepts our insurance, and they come up to it all the time to go shopping so her excuse that it’s ‘too far away’ doesn’t hold water.
Example of the bill we have paid – the middle child had a strep test. The cost before insurance was $400. Mom’s insurance paid $200, so we have to split the difference at $100. If she had used our insurance, the bill would have been $0.
Are we the jerks? I feel like we are a little bit, but we also don’t feel like shelling out funds we don’t have to pay bills she is CHOOSING to incur, and we aren’t required to, per the court order.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I have been in this exact situation, and you have legal recourse.
My ex-wife took our son to two different providers, both out of network, in one weekend (she thought it was strep, ended up being mono). My ex-wife worked at a hospital (that didn’t accept my insurance) and wanted her ‘colleague’ to look at our son.
Ended up with $500 in bills (so I owed $250).
Here is your legal recourse (hopefully). In many states, if you carry the insurance, any out-of-network provider charges go to the parent that took them out of network (your husband’s ex).
You have a reasonable responsibility to take the child in the network.
Sometimes that can’t happen (emergency room, a specialist is needed and there isn’t one within a certain distance), and you’re on the hook for half of the bill. But willfully going out of network voids your obligation for that visit, outside of your standard co-pay cost.
For example, if you had a $35 co-pay for an in-office visit, but they went out of network and get charged $185, you would only owe the $35 (out of the $185).
Please, consult a family law attorney, so you get the correct info for your location.
This could potentially be solved with a simple letter from a lawyer. While pricy, it could protect you in the long run. My ex has not gone out of network since she pulled that nonsense, and got a letter from my lawyer.
Best of luck.” Jameson18dude
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Tricky to stop paying without going thru the court… but completely understandable. Devil’s advocate; you have an 18-month-old – are you going to be completely willing to change pediatricians, etc if your insurance changes? If you could stick with your doctor and pay a little more, would you? The other issue;
Sounds like the kids are covered by both you and her…
so here is some info; (I work in HR/Benefits)
These kids are covered by two insurances. Even yours would most likely pay a portion even if the docs are ‘out of network’. Your husband should contact all these doctors and ensure that BOTH policies are on file, and that billing is being sent to BOTH insurance providers.
And then not pay bills until it’s been run through both. If both parties are required to keep insurance on the kids, one is considered PRIMARY and the other SECONDARY. I believe it goes by whoever is oldest that is the ‘primary’ insurance and who is secondary and some coverage rules change when it’s duplicate coverage.
Do some digging. Insurance is complicated, but once you dive in and understand it a little better, you can make it work for you—with double coverage, the bills should be close to non-existent if handled correctly.
For later with the kids when older, tell hubby (or you both) to keep a journal of these difficulties, etc.
If things go south down the line, they can always be given to them as adults for them to see the other side of things in real-time to help you create a ‘he said she said’ with kids–when they don’t need to be in the middle of it at this age.
Good luck.” Babsgarcia
Another User Comments:
“Sooo NTJ. Mom is knowingly using this ploy as a way to badmouth Dad to the kids when he refuses to pay. It’s obvious she’s more worried about her own jealousy and her contempt towards the father of her children, and she’s using the kids as collateral damage to inflict more pain on their father to make herself feel better.
It’s child abuse, and this should be brought to the attention of the courts. Judges do not like parents who abuse their children’s trust by using them to hurt the other parent. This woman is playing a dangerous game and it can likely get her maternal rights stripped if she doesn’t change.
It’s you and your husband’s job to look out for the best interest of the children involved and that means to take her to court and hold her accountable. Not for the money she’s wasting but for the mental anguish she’s inflicting upon those innocent kids.” schavez85
Has she considered using BOTH? Primary and secondary? SMH!
I have a stepdaughter that is 17. Mom is over $35 G behind in child support, was supposed to provide insurance (but won't), and refuses to work. She prefers her drugs, to be homeless/in & out of jail, and her druggie hubby to seeing her daughter. I guess some people just can't pick the right choices due to blind hatred.
9. WIBTJ For Refusing To Co-Sign My Friend's Mortgage?
“My (29m) good friend (26f) is currently house hunting. For a bit of background information, I come from a fairly well-off family, while my friend does not. My job also pays a decent amount more than hers does (and while said job allows me to live comfortably, I am by no means wealthy, especially considering the high cost of living in my city).
My friend has been trying to purchase a house for the past year and a half, and even though her credit score is excellent, she doesn’t earn enough from her job to qualify for a mortgage without a co-signer. It’s not an issue of her being too picky in terms of what houses she will consider either since she is looking exclusively at entry-level homes in more rural areas outside of the city, where prices tend to be amongst the lowest in our wider geographical region.
She has repeatedly suggested to me that I should co-sign on a mortgage for her. I am pretty much her only option for this since neither her parents nor any of her other friends are in a financial position to be able to help.
The thing is though, I really don’t want to co-sign for her. Here’s why:
I’m working towards purchasing a place of my own in one of the most expensive real estate markets in the world. From what I understand, co-signing for her would be seen as the equivalent of me already having a pre-existing mortgage in the eyes of the bank.
This co-sign could make it more difficult for me to secure loans that I may need for the next 25-30 years.
My friend has given me a guarantee that she will not default on the mortgage, but honestly, I don’t see how she can make a promise like that.
She already has health issues and works a physically demanding job. If she became incapacitated and unable to work, then her mortgage would become entirely my responsibility. I also feel really uncomfortable about co-signing on a mortgage for a house that I don’t even intend to live in and won’t be on the deed for.
To me, this makes no financial sense.
She didn’t even really ask me. She just said that this is what she needed, and expected me to go along with it. I’ve tried expressing to her how uncomfortable I am with the idea, but her response was that I’m her only hope of not being homeless and that if I don’t want to see her out on the streets, then I need to co-sign.
I don’t understand why she can’t just continue to rent, but she is adamant that this is not an option for her.
Most of our mutual friends who know about this situation are on her side and think that not co-signing for her would be cruel.
Some of them have even tried to be her co-signer but were rejected by the bank for various different reasons (i.e., not earning enough, bad credit scores, etc.). This has sort of made me question whether I’m being unreasonable and selfish.
So, good people, I need to know: would I be the jerk if I refused to co-sign my friend’s mortgage?
Update: thanks everyone for confirming my gut feeling. I told my friend that I won’t co-sign, and if she brings it up again, she’s getting blocked.
She was NOT happy, but it is what it is. No friendship is worth destroying my financial future over.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Whatever you do, do not give in.
You need to sit down with her and put your foot down, explain that you will not be paying for HER HOUSE for the next 30 years.
And if she says she’ll be the only one paying, she won’t. You give her this inch and she’ll take a mile. First, it’ll be a leaky pipe or a broken refrigerator. You do this for her, and she’ll use you for your finances for life on the basis of ‘well, it’s technically your house too, and if I can’t afford (whatever) then we’ll both be in trouble with the mortgage.’
She’s guilt-tripping you, using your mutual friends and the statement that she’ll be homeless to coerce you into years and years of financial burden.
And, she won’t be homeless. What’s wrong with rent?? And these other friends would surely let her crash on their couch if she was serious.
I would honestly cut her off, especially if she still insists after you sit down to talk.
Because this isn’t okay, and she is using you.
Absolutely NTJ.” lyssahhdude
Another User Comments:
“Not the jerk, she’s extremely rude and entitled for even thinking just bringing it up means it’s happening. She can have a family member or two co-sign. You aren’t marrying her, she isn’t your significant other or family.
Having a family that works in mortgage I see this sour friendship all too often. If your friend could afford the house she wouldn’t need a co-signer. That’s why there is debt to income ratios, loan to value ratios, and verification of employment/income and assets.
Do not go through with this. 99% of the time in less than 3 years the other person will default and leave you stuck holding the bag. Then you will have to pay or have your credit screwed. At a bare minimum, you’re stuck for 30 years or the full loan amount.
If she cannot pay and you miss out on the other home, then you will have to evict her or figure something else out.
She is a complete trash example of a human being for expecting this out of someone, the worst part is she wants you to co-sign without even being on the deed.
Disgusting.” robsmemedump
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And don’t do it! I work in the legal field and I can’t even tell you how many times I have seen cosigners have to foot the entire mortgage, rent, or whatever else because the person they co-signed for can no longer afford it.
In reality, had they been able to afford it in the first place, they wouldn’t have needed a cosigner, therefore it was a bad risk from the get-go. And when you’re talking about a mortgage, when she defaults, whether it be on the mortgage or the taxes, you’re now going to be a co-defendant with her in foreclosure unless you’re willing to pay everything.
And at that point, you’ll be looking for legal help yourself to either recoup the funds from her or to foreclose on her yourself.
Don’t do this. Nothing good will come of it. Most importantly, you are not responsible for your friend’s financial instability. If your mutual friends think this is no big deal, then let them put their financial future on the line for her. It isn’t up to you to fix this for her.” krczm
8. AITJ For Asking For A Different Waiter?
“I am an American who is living in a relatively medium-sized town. I was out with my family and we were eating at a relatively nice place. Not a fast-food joint or anything, but nice enough where I expected decent service.
We get to this place, and we are met with a waiter with an insanely thick Asian accent and very little understanding of English. I try and order, but she says something which I can’t understand. I ask her to clarify and she again is completely incomprehensible.
I try 2 more times, but give up and go up to the counter where 2 other people are conversing.
I ask them if it’s possible to get another waiter as I cannot understand what she is saying. One of them comes over and talks with us, and the other, who I presume is the manager takes the waitress to the back and I can hear yelling.
The waiter explains to us that is the third time this has happened, and what she was trying to say was that there was a special offer for a specific food that day.
We had our meal and later on, I see a post which has a picture of me and my family, and it says this.
‘So this family of racists just got my Asian friend, who’s a single mother fired because they felt that her accent was offensive.’
I posted on this page saying how I honestly didn’t know how she got that job if she can’t be understood by English speakers, and that it was clearly not just my complaint that got her fired.
I also saw the manager and owner of the restaurant comment that the woman was only hired as a favor and that she had served far fewer people than any of the other waiters.
The poster’s response to this was ‘Well, it’s simply because of your racist mentality that you couldn’t understand her.
You could have tried writing things down, but no, you just don’t like Asians.’
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, although possibly you could have worded it differently? Maybe? For example, instead of asking for a different server right off the bat, just inform them that you can’t understand their thick accent? You shouldn’t have to do that though…
This reminds me of the one time I went into a store and at the cash, I legitimately could not understand what they were saying. I had to ask ‘what?’ like 10 times and still couldn’t understand… I mentioned to my grandma who drove me to the store that I couldn’t understand a single thing they said, and she told me I was (something along the lines of) rude and disrespectful and all I literally said was ‘wow, they had such a strong accent I couldn’t understand them at all.’ Nothing rude, I legitimately couldn’t understand them.
It’s like if someone has hearing loss and can’t hear someone properly, is it their fault they can’t hear properly? It’s out of their control.” cat_mom67801
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, but maybe next time try to ask her to point it out or write it down.
I’ve personally never had a problem understanding accents because I grew up around a variety of nationalities but I understand how it might be hard to deal with that stuff at a restaurant. This however doesn’t really excuse the way you dealt with it by reporting her over trying to deal with it yourself.” Amigosnow
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
On the one hand, not understanding anything the waiter says is a valid reason to ask for another. You couldn’t have known she’d be fired.
On the other hand, trying to write things down was a good idea so next time try to do that? Managers can be jerks but if lots of people had a problem with communicating with the waiter then it’s not the customers being racists, it’s just that the waiter should dedicate time to learn the language better.
I sympathize with her situation though. Perhaps the manager should have put her in a different position since it was clear that she struggled with the language.
In any case, I don’t see you being in the wrong. And quite frankly, it’s super creepy whoever took a picture of you and your family without your consent and decided to put it on the internet to ‘expose’ you.” lost-in_the_dream
7. AITJ For Wanting To Legally Become My Stepdaughter's Father?
“Hi, I’m P(M33), I’ve been married to G (M35) for 1 year, but we’ve been together for 3 years before we met. I thought I’d never get married, I didn’t have that desire, but I wanted to be a father and I ended up deciding to fulfill this dream through surrogate motherhood.
Everything worked out and now I have twins. After they were 2 years old I met G. He also had a 3-year-old daughter. The mother, unfortunately, died during complications in childbirth and for having heart problems, she, unfortunately, couldn’t stand it.
The beginning of our relationship was a little complicated because I realized that he wasn’t as close to his daughter as he could be. He left her much more with his parents and she didn’t see him and didn’t call him father, but she saw that he was always around my daughters, something that didn’t happen with her.
Over time I tried to bring her closer to us so as not to feel excluded, and as I had daughters the same age as her. It wasn’t so complicated. The relationship G had with the deceased wife’s family was never good.
They were always very conservative and prejudiced and never admitted the fact that G is a bi man, much less that their granddaughter was living with me. They even tried to go to court to try to have custody of the girl, but as the justice saw no reason to take her away from the father, they couldn’t.
As I said at the beginning, we’ve been married for 1 year, and with the coexistence, my daughters started to call him father and they call me daddy. His own daughter is very close to me for being a more present figure in her life after we started living together.
She always called me uncle until she also started calling me daddy. I was very happy, especially because I was able to give her the support so that she could see me that way, taking into account the fact that we are married and have 3 children.
My husband and I decided to become socio-affective parents, in which case I would somehow be included in his daughter’s certificate, as well as he in mine. In the end, we would have the assurance that we had a legal right over the children in case something happened.
In the case of his daughter, the mother’s name would not be taken away, but mine would be included and she would also take my last name, as well as those from the father and the mother. He would adopt my daughters as his own.
It turns out that her maternal grandparents did not accept this situation at all. They came to our house, called me horrible names, said that I was trying to usurp their daughter’s place of them in the girl’s life and that they would never allow it.
Although that was never my intention, it was always a matter of safety. Aside from the fact that she knows about her mother, we always made it clear that her mother wanted her very much, her room has several pictures of her pregnant mother, to show how much she loved her.
This situation made me feel that somehow I was usurping her place in the girl’s life, and that was never my intention. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, sounds like you’re this girl’s parent in practice, her grandparents have prejudices biasing their opinion and you adopting her would safeguard a relationship that’s already there while doing nothing to jeopardize other relationships (as might be the case if, say, there were another person in the picture whose parental rights would get terminated by this).
ETA: having said that, there seems to be something about names? I haven’t understood it at all, but does your daughter currently have her mother’s name? If so it might be worth considering whether that needs to change. Does she want a name change? On the other hand, if she currently has only her father’s name, would giving her her mother’s name in some way or another be a nice way of honoring her mother and showing the grandparents that she’s not being forgotten? More to the point, does it sound like something she’d like? (as it sounds like she’s at the age where she can have meaningful preferences in this matter).” Lennvor
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your being added does not erase her mother and it provides legal protections for your family. Her maternal grandparents are bigots which is their real issue. You aren’t usurping anyone. Your oldest never knew her mother but you and your husband try to keep her memory alive which is loving and correct.” Knittingfairy09113
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but her parents are grieving and can’t seem to move on, nor can accept that their SIL married a man.
It’s a modern story and they can’t handle it. That being said, you’re just living your life and being a good father figure to all your children, and apparently have helped your partner to be a better one too. Kudos to you for stepping in.
They may never understand but you’re NTJ. Be respectful (because they lost their daughter, not the part where they’re homophobic), but keep loving this child. She’s going to need it.” binarysolo_0000001
6. AITJ For Being Angry At My Brother For Not Helping Our Family?
“My sister has health problems. After I graduated I moved back to my hometown to be close to my parents and my sister. Back then my sister didn’t have a diagnosis yet. When she originally began having symptoms she went to the doctor.
She was diagnosed with anxiety. She didn’t feel this was right and that it was physical rather than mental and over time my sister saw over a dozen doctors. None of them could help. From the research she and my parents did, they thought it looked like she has something called craniocervical instability.
Eventually, someone online recommended a doctor that helped them. The doctor wasn’t nearby but did a video consultation with my sister where she was diagnosed with craniocervical instability and prescribed surgery that could help. The doctor doesn’t accept insurance so my parents changed their mortgage and used some savings.
My sister and parents traveled to the hospital and had her surgery. It helped but it wasn’t a cure.
My brother is in his second year of college now. Myself, my parents and my sister would like him to move home and transfer to the state school in the city we live in.
Half his tuition is covered by a scholarship. The other half and other expenses are covered by student loans. Since he’s 24 he got the loans on his own. My parents were always pro-state school. I would have gone to the state school if I was accepted there.
My brother was but he chose another college. The thing is, we could really use his help. Our family is strained because of my sister’s situation (not that it is her fault of course). He would also save on housing by living at home because my parents wouldn’t charge him for rent or food.
He was furious when the ask was made though and he later told me that my parents and sister are a lost cause but he expected better from me. He tried to talk our sister out of the surgery. My sister hasn’t been able to go to college, she is in pain a lot since she had the fusion surgery.
Plus there is physiotherapy she needs too and my dad and I work full time and my mom part-time remotely. We have no other family that can help. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
For a multitude of reasons but one thing stood out for me – no, not your family’s choice to believe an online consultation and jumping to operations as others pointed out.
I read your comments – your parents wouldn’t expect rent, they would cover food and other expenses, provide a car, you said the money isn’t a trouble. Why are you expecting your brother to move back and give up on his chosen school if you can hire a nurse for those few hours to give yourself a break? Or even not a nurse – because your brother isn’t a medical professional either – just someone to help out.
It can’t be more expensive than covering all the costs of your brother living with you.
That alone says you expect something more than helping out by grabbing things from another room or tying your sister’s shoes. Maybe you expect him to drop out completely – I read everyone is working and tired.
Wouldn’t he have classes and assignments to complete?
YTJ, face it. You expect more – maybe him being a full-time caregiver as you work and he ‘only does college’, aren’t you? If it was just helping out a few times and your family doesn’t have financial-related troubles, you wouldn’t be so insistent.
Maybe you want to dump on him your responsibilities with your sister you chose to have by moving to help her out. Or are you jealous or something?” Schrodingerstheory
Another User Comments:
“I’m not going to be too mean about the going to multiple doctors to get a diagnosis thing, because it does happen.
I went to over twenty doctors, each telling me I was dealing with anxiety before I found one who listened and tested me. He found an internal staph infection that I should have been dead already from. It was the biggest relief to finally have validation for my symptoms.
However, a doctor diagnosing purely over a video call and then jumping straight to surgery is extremely suspect. That’s not normal. Before surgery happens there should be tests done and second opinions. This was completely skipped over and now your sister is suffering for it.
Your brother does not have to put his life on hold. Like it or not, he needs his independence and he needs to be able to move forward towards a career. That is far harder to do when caring for someone else.
You say he wouldn’t have to do much, but I have a feeling if he came back, it would start small and gradually he’d be gaining more and more responsibility towards her. That isn’t fair to him.
Mild YTJ because it sounds like you just really care about your sister.
I have a very strong feeling that she was just dealing with an anxiety disorder and was taken advantage of. Now she’s dealing with new issues.” Notsogoodadvicegiver
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
What you are asking of your brother is unnecessary and cruel. This is – what you are asking is that he stop having an independent life to participate in, to support a familial structure that does not work for him and from which he has chosen to separate himself.
That is a cruel and selfish ask. It is unreasonable.
What you describe looking for in terms of support for your sister – an hour or two a week of handing her things she can’t reach when no one else is home – does not require either your brother or a medically trained or even knowledgeable person.
It falls into the category of companion care, and in the US is commonly provided by non-medical agencies for between $28-50/hour (depending on the region of the country and background checks) and does not require a prescription or any doctor involvement.
I know this stuff because I have aides and PT and OT every single day.
I’m disabled. I have a traumatic SCI with a number of weird complications. I have had a lot of back and spine surgery, both ortho and neuro. There are no circumstances under which I would consider surgery from someone who diagnosed me remotely via video, especially when there are measurements used for diagnosis and to determine how to begin treatment.” Pretend-Panda
However, I don't think you should tell your brother to quit his life. As much as you and your parents are spread thin, there are other alternatives. You chose to move back. It wouldn't be his choice and that's okay.
5. AITJ For Asking To Have My Partner Stay For A Month In My Shared House?
“My significant other (lives in the USA) and I (lives in the UK) are planning for her to visit for 3 months from mid-February to mid-May. I’m a student and for the first month I’ll still be at university, the next month I have off and the final month I’m back at uni but for only 2 days a week.
I’ve given several months’ notice to my housemates that to save us almost £1000 on accommodation for my partner for that first month I intend to have her stay with me. Neither of us has much money and the passport, plane tickets, and even food while she’s here is a lot and we quite literally don’t have an extra £1000.
For context, we’re a house of 6 but all our rents are completely independent. If one person moved out, no one’s rent would change to cover the missing persons. We have individual contracts and bills are fully inclusive so no gas, electricity or water bills, etc.
to pay and we don’t share any food, meaning there is zero financial impact on any of my housemates if she is here. I don’t share a bathroom with any of the housemates who are kicking up a fuss. One of them has an ensuite and the other two share a bathroom between them.
The person I’m sharing a bathroom with has agreed they don’t mind.
I never leave a mess or leave dishes out, no one’s ever had a problem with me and I’m rarely in the social spaces. I keep to myself and it’d be the same with my partner here.
The only genuine concern they’ve brought up is if she does her washing then it’s an extra load in the washing machine each week so people might not have access to it when they want to. To which I’ve said we’ll use a laundrette.
So now they say it’s purely principle and she can’t stay here for a month and it’d be different if I had a partner locally who spent a few nights a week but 1 solid month (despite her never being here even once for the other 11 months) is too much.
With so much against us with budget and travel restrictions and politics and distance and everything else, it’s just crushing knowing that this is another thing that’s going to either cause major financial stress or major personal stress with my housemates if I do try and have her here in the house anyway.
And I know it isn’t my housemates’ responsibility to help me, but after fixing the laundry situation the only reasoning they have is ‘principle’ and it just feels heartless.
We’re planning to spend the second month jumping from family and friends’ houses (despite the fact I’ll still be paying rent here) since I don’t need to be here for uni for that month.
And the final month we will be staying probably with my grandparents while traveling an hour bus ride each way to spend 2 nights a week at uni. Again, while paying full rent to be here but spending most of the month in my grandparents’ spare room so as to really try to reduce the inconvenience on my housemates.
1 month of both of us in return for 1 month of neither of us at all and 1 month of us spending only like 6 nights there the whole time. Surely that’s not unreasonable.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Any time I’d stay in the UK to visit my ex-husband I’d stop at his for my stay.
It just made sense to save on hotels that way. Clear it with the lease and landlord to make sure you’re not going to get in trouble first.” FishNews666
Another User Comments:
“Well, yeah actually it is sort of unreasonable. Only you know this person and you don’t even know her except for online.
If it was two nights a week and then gone for a month and then there for a month they could get used to her but this is suddenly dropping a new person into the group for an entire month nonstop when you aren’t there all the time.
I can totally see where they’re coming from. I also understand what it’s like to have an LDR, so I get that you want to maximize your time together. I’m going to say ‘no jerks here’ and urge you and your crew to sit down together and discuss what your options are.
Can you stay at the grandparents on the weekends and bus back to uni? Can you shift the dates? Just remember that once your partner returns home you’re still living with these people.” ThreeToTheHead
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. if your lease allows for you to have guests, and there is no financial burden on your roommates, then they do not get a say.
Be firm about this. nice but firm. It’s not their business if it’s allowed in your lease.” RobinsRoads05
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s fine for you to ask, but you have to accept their refusal. Living with someone is already hard enough, adding someone a full month is difficult to accept.
This is their house too, and they have the right to refuse.
The month she will be here, you will be at uni, that means she is alone at home with them. And while you know her, others don’t, and might feel uncomfortable.” JustOne_Girl
4. AITJ For Saying I Want To Apply For Disability?
“A few months ago, I started my first job in years, and ever since day 1, it’s been incredibly stressful for me. It’s a server job and I only got it because my mom is friends with the boss. Even though it’s supposed to be a simple job I never really get anything right.
I’m not allowed to work the register because I’ve messed up too many times. I always get stressed and overwhelmed taking care of tables and every day my boss catches me making a new mistake. Overall every single day at work is exhausting emotionally and even if I get cut early on a slow day I just wanna go home and curl up in a ball.
My mental health is at an all-time low because of this and I can’t get a job anywhere else. (I bomb at interviews and the other jobs I’ve had have been exactly as stressful)
I was venting about all this to my friend ‘Sasha’ (who also knows I’m autistic) and I said that I’ve been thinking a while about getting a professional diagnosis so I can apply for disability and try to live off of that so I don’t have to worry about a job at all.
Sasha got really upset after that and called me a jerk for trying to ‘go around the system’ and take money away from people who really need it. She said that she understands work is stressful but I just have to learn to deal with it instead of quitting.
I’ve felt terrible since that conversation and I’ve been dreading talking to her again out of embarrassment. AITJ for saying I want to apply for disability?
I think I might be the jerk because I want to apply for disability when I don’t technically need it.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
In your own words, you ‘don’t technically need it,’ so don’t apply for disability.
Instead, spend your time and energy finding skills and a job that you enjoy and can excel at. Plenty of neurodivergent people are able to do well in work, it’s just about finding the right job.” Egoteen
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You need to find a job that doesn’t stress you out as much.
You might very well be able to DR/Therapist/etc shop until you find someone who will ‘sign off’ so to speak but that’s definitely gaming the system. There is nothing stopping you from working a lower stress job, just do night stocking at a store or something that’s fewer people-oriented (which is an issue with autistic people).” icollectt
3. AITJ For Not Wanting To Sign Up For Healthcare Through Work?
“To be clear, I want healthcare. I am fortunate enough to have it already through my partner’s employer, which is why I have no interest in enrolling for additional coverage through my workplace.
Cut to today, with the deadline to enroll fast approaching.
I was told by my employer that I’m required to sign up for the insurance-middleman-but-not-broker site that is handling the company policies, even if I plan to decline the coverage and the free life insurance plan they provide to employees.
In reading the terms and conditions/privacy policy for this service that I don’t want in the first place, it states pretty plainly that they will in fact collect data on their users and then go on to do with it pretty much whatever they please.
Agreeing to their terms just to decline their services doesn’t make any sense to me, and it certainly doesn’t seem like something that should (or frankly could) be required by my employer.
I brought this up to my employer and they couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to entertain this sign-up-to-decline option.
I told them that if it was required of me, I’d like it in writing that it was a condition of employment that I sign up for this service. When I said that, I was told that they would simply document my refusal in my personnel file.
Okay. Cool. Seems like an easy solution to that shouldn’t be a problem at all, in my estimation.
That’s when I got a mass text from HR reminding me that it was NOT OPTIONAL for any employees to forego signing up and that it has to be done by tomorrow.
Confused, I got in touch with my employer again and asked if I should ignore the text, as I thought the issue had been resolved.
They responded by saying that if I chose not to do what was required of me, it would in fact be documented in my personnel file.
They further added the detail that in all their years working in HR, they have never had an option to decline and everyone is required to provide personal information.
I asked if anything bad would happen if I had documentation of my declining this service in my file, I was told no, but it would indicate a direct refusal to comply when made aware of a required task.
To me, this sounds like a thinly-veiled, passive-aggressive threat, and it feels like I’m on an episode of the Twilight Zone. Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to take an NTJ approach here, purely because I work directly with data breaches and privacy law and I deeply wish more people were hesitant about providing personal information to 3rd parties.
You should think critically about who you give your information to and why. Credible companies get hacked all the time – so the credibility of the company isn’t the issue here (I’m sure your company is using a perfectly good provider).
All of that said, if it does default you into a plan or something similar, you may end up having to log in to opt-out. But you are not the jerk for challenging SOP if it could do harm to you or others (which it could).
It’s important that you are thinking critically and forcing them to do the same about the procedures in place.” PokePotter666
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You do not want to provide personal information to a third party if you aren’t going to receive benefits, which is understandable.
However, I am willing to bet that they aren’t going to ask you for information – they already have it from your employer. If you signed up for benefits they would ask for additional information such as your dependents or perhaps if you smoke.” RedditDK2
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You absolutely have to log in and decline. Depending on the broker and the plan, not logging in could either default you to the base plan or could get the company in trouble because they have to show a paper trail of every employee being offered the same health care. Logging in isn’t going to provide the broker or plan with any information about you that can’t already be found online in a thousand places. They also have to provide documentation that you have declined.” SimplySam4210
2. AITJ For Asking Them To Pay Their Portion Of An Airbnb?
“I 22F have been planning my sister’s bachelorette party since August. Whenever I started planning it I was very open with everyone about the costs and that I am trying to keep it low but because so many of us are going I would have to get a big place which meant it would be more expensive.
I texted them all individually to ensure they were comfortable with the cost and if not to let me know before I booked it. They all said they were. I knew my sister’s friends don’t make the most so I decided I would cover a quarter of the cost and would split the remaining amount between them.
It ended up being $150 a piece. I told them this in august. I just dropped my Venmo in the chat and asked that they start paying me back when they can (still 2 months before the party).
Well one of them texted me today that they can’t afford to go and they hope I can understand.
I asked that she still pay me back for the Airbnb because she had agreed to the price 3 months ago. She got upset and said that because she isn’t going she shouldn’t have to pay, even though she agreed to the cost.
Now here’s the thing I can technically afford to cover her cost. I make enough to and it won’t break the bank, but I also am trying to save for a house right now so this isn’t in my budget and will have to come out of my savings.
Edit: I didn’t plan this for a bunch of women who can barely scrape by. The total trip is $150 for Airbnb and whatever they choose to spend on food that they had 6 months to save for and plan for.
They all are comfortable enough. They can all afford to go out and do things. I asked each of them personally what they would be comfortable spending on Airbnb. I gave them plenty of time to make sure that they could afford it or save any money for it that they may need.
I have also talked to my sister who is also pretty bummed by it because the said friend in question who canceled just took herself on a ‘treat yo self’ shopping weekend.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
‘I texted them all individually to ensure they were comfortable with the cost and if not to let me know before I booked it.’
So they agreed to the amount in August, and it’s in writing via text.
‘and they hope I can understand.’
She hopes you’ll eat the cost due to her lack of budgeting, life event, or for whatever reason this is on you now. It’s a jerk move on her part since she agreed to the cost.
She accepted the agreement and how is it fair that you now have to pay for her change of mind? She should be old enough to figure out money comes and goes by now. Unless she got divorced, lost her job, and is now homeless, she can get you the funds.
My text would be ‘I put up a bunch of money for the AirBNB after reaching out to you individually in agreement. You agreed to it through text in August. Please text the group you’re backing out and the $150 is now $200.
Hope you understand I have bills to pay too.’
I could go on for days on how this isn’t fair to you or anyone else. I’d wait until after the wedding and then send that girl a certified letter asking for the $150 if everyone else doesn’t jump in and pay more.
If there’s backlash then stay calm. You aren’t their mommy or their accountant. If it’s just $150 then she can pay or tell everyone else what they now owe.” ikeavinter
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for planning a getaway bachelorette weekend for a bunch of women who can barely scrape together $150.
A night out would have been a more appropriate event for this group. Y’know, how bachelor and bachelorette parties used to be before social media led everyone to believe they deserved destination parties whether they could afford it or not.
If you were feeling flush, you could have treated your sister to a SPA weekend with you.” Two_wheels_2112
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You asked them months ago explicitly and you also have already offered to cover even more than your own share on behalf of everyone. Now months later you’re asking for real payment and only now does this person say they’re not going.
Not cool of them.” dart1126
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna say YTJ.
Your friend hasn’t demanded that you allow them to go w/o paying. They are just bowing out because they can’t afford it.
Financial situations change. There isn’t much that can be done about that.
It doesn’t sound like your friend is being a jerk about this.
At this point, you can choose to stay friends and lose the $150. Or you can burn the bridge and be out the $150.
Your choice.” ndenatale
1. AITJ For Sending A Student Home For Using A Calculator?
“I teach a middle school math class. One thing that I am trying to have my students do is become better at mental math and solving difficult questions by using just pencil and paper. For each test I give, I make it very clear whether they are allowed to use a calculator or not.
One of my students, Joe, is struggling quite a bit in class. He has an IEP (individualized education plan), and I try to work with him individually to improve his skills. Unfortunately, he doesn’t take the lessons very seriously, which is a bit disheartening.
I gave a math test last week and specified that no calculators were allowed for this test. When everyone got seated, Joe pulled out his calculator, and I immediately went up to him and told him to put it away. However, he told me that he is allowed to use his calculator because of his IEP and that I needed to accommodate him.
I told him that wasn’t true – this test was supposed to train his math skills, and that using a calculator is defeating the purpose. I told him that it wasn’t fair if he was allowed to use a calculator but the rest of the class wasn’t.
He wouldn’t budge.
I tried to get him to put the calculator away for nearly a minute, but he absolutely refused, and the other students were getting impatient about starting the test (I haven’t officially allowed writing to begin since I was busy speaking to Joe).
Finally, I took the test paper out of his hand and told him to pack his things and get out of my class, and sent him to the principal’s office to be sent home. I also gave him a 0 for the test because he clearly would not cooperate with me.
Here’s the thing, if he told me that he wasn’t ready to write the test and wanted to be excused, I was perfectly happy to have him write it on another day. However, the fact that he blatantly disrespected me by not following my instructions made me less sympathetic towards him.
Joe hasn’t gone to class for a couple of days, and last I heard he was suspended from school.
For extra info: There was nothing on his IEP about calculator use.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I have a learning disability called dyscalculia. if he needs a calculator, that’s probably something he’s struggling with as well.
I can’t do math in my head. no, not even simple math. I have to use my fingers without a calculator and I’m a grown adult. I had no IEP or 504, my parents just thought I wasn’t trying hard enough.
it was humiliating. It’s still something I’m embarrassed by. His IEP might not approve calculator use specifically, because dyscalculia is often mistaken as just lack of worth ethic or stubbornness.
Thing is, I understand how math works. I can grasp the concept just fine and the logic behind it.
But if you ask me to multiply off the top of my head, I just can’t. It doesn’t matter how long you wait, I won’t be able to.
I can write it fine, but it takes an extensively long time, and because of this I would fall behind my peers when it came to assignments and tests because I wouldn’t finish them in time.
It’s mortifying to be confronted by a teacher as a person with learning disabilities, especially when you’re younger. You feel humiliated, stupid, and worthless. all because you can’t do something as good as others without assistance, even though the thing that can assist you is right there and is actually available at all times throughout your life except school.
I almost didn’t graduate high school on time because I was failing math and nothing helped and no one listened to me saying I was trying. No one bothers to think about how difficult it is to be the slow kid.” FutabaTsuyu
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – My opinion on this is definitely skewed by the fact that my child has an IEP.
I know my child is opinionated and will insist on something he believes he is entitled to. He will become irate, use foul language, and physical gestures that are inappropriate to teachers/authority figures. So even with an IEP… the kid could still have been rude and inappropriate in how he attempted to advocate for himself and may have needed to be removed from class so the other kids could stay focused and on task.
You are still the jerk though because this is a kid who likely believes the calculator is part of his IEP (it may be if it says he gets access to technology without specifically saying, calculator). If you didn’t agree with what he said you should have stepped outside to discuss it instead of having the whole class interrupted to argue the technicalities of a medically/educationally protected IEP.
You made sure this kid’s whole class knew about it and punished him. You should be teaching these kids to advocate for themselves as no one else will.
Taking a minute to look at the IEP together and as the adult calmly explain that his IEP doesn’t cover the calculator and that if he is not prepared to take the test now you will schedule for him to take it later would have caused much less disturbance.
This shows the student you respect their feelings, their IEP, and in general them as a person. It is not as easy as demanding compliance and then punishing, but, will teach conflict resolution. You would then be seen as a tough but supportive teacher instead of the jerk face who can’t admit they were wrong.” torme
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You could have handled this in a much more productive way. I’m guessing this student is struggling with math and all you did was make him more self-conscious. Call a meeting with the special education coordinator to discuss if more accommodations are needed and to make sure your student understands what his accommodations are (did he perhaps used to have a calculator accommodation and it was left out this year?) and how to resolve the issue if he feels his needs aren’t being met.
I have a disability and no cognitive issues but a majority of people with a more severe type of my condition have average to above-average intelligence but specific difficulties with certain types of math and spatial skills because there are changes in their brains.
Trying to force them to do math without calculators (which many teachers do) does nothing because the parts of their brain that handle some of the processing are very different than the average brain.
An understanding math teacher and appropriate IEP have been the difference between not graduating high school and going into college, graduate school, advanced technical skills, and fulfilling life for many people in my support groups.
It’s very possible this student really is not set up to do math without a calculator regardless of how much you try to force him to do so. Try working with his unique strengths and weaknesses if you really want to be a good teacher. Or request to have him moved to a different class at least so he can get the help he needs.” Forsaken-Piece3434
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