People Ask Us To Mull Over Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

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There are hateful people all around who are ready to judge others in any possible way. If you're the one being judged, you may think it's unfair that you're being called a jerk based only on your past. It can be even more annoying when those people are firm in their opinions, and won't give you the chance to stand up for yourself to clear your name. So these people here try to defend their reputations by telling their side of the story. Tell us who you think is the real jerk as you read on. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

19. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be A Parent To My Nieces?

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“I (21f) have been married to my husband for 6 months, we’ve been together since we were 15. My husband had an addict older sister (26) who has 2 daughters of her own, ages 9 and 6.

We’ve only met the girls a few times. No one knows who the fathers are.

My husband’s sister passed away three weeks ago, and the girls are currently staying in a foster home. My MIL was pressuring us to take them.

You see, we really could, we have the financials and the space, but I just do not desire children. Neither does my husband. I feel as though I do not have the sensitivity to be a mother, and it wouldn’t be great for us or the children.

I tried explaining this to MIL, but MIL says you do for family, and that she would take them if it wasn’t for FIL’s failing health. I basically shut it down and she kept on going about how they would spend their lives in the system, and how we have good potential to be great parents, I finally cut her off and said we want nothing to do with being parents to our nieces.

MIL got upset, hung up the phone, and hasn’t talked to me since. She keeps sending my husband articles though on statistics of children in foster care and telling him we could’ve prevented this.

My husband and I have talked about it, but we just honestly don’t want to.

We don’t have the time, and we’re simply just not parent material. They’d have a better life in foster care. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – You shouldn’t be a parent if you don’t want to be a parent.

(And I’m not saying that in a mean way, I don’t want to be a parent and I’m not going to, so I completely understand.) Having children just dropped into your childless lives can lead to resentment, even if you don’t mean it to, and the kids can sense that.

I can understand that your mother-in-law‘s coming from an emotional place, but your feelings about having children are valid.

Also, these won’t be two well-adjusted children being dropped down in a new home. These kids are going to have problems that need to be addressed in a certain way.

Placing foster kids with family members because it will be easier for them to adjust only makes sense if they actually know those family members. But when it comes to the girls and you and your husband, you might as well be strangers.

So when it comes down to the choice between strangers who have no experience with children, versus strangers who do have experience with children and probably children who have been through horrible circumstances, you definitely want to go with the experienced parents.

These girls will need help that y’all just aren’t emotionally ready to give them. And again, I’m not judging, I wouldn’t be emotionally ready for that either.

I think it would be better for the girls and for y’all if they went to someone else.

And that doesn’t mean you can’t be in their lives, you just shouldn’t have to be their parents.” wowImlate

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. Foster care is not ideal. The kids being with family that wants them would be much better.

His mom isn’t wrong about that perspective. She is also probably right that she won’t be able to handle two kids while taking care of a spouse with medical needs.

But that doesn’t mean that you’d be ideal for the kids.

You could end up adoring them. You could also end up resenting them. You certainly wouldn’t be going into this wanting the kids. So that’s problem one. These kids have lost their only parent, so this will be a difficult time for them.

Additionally, their only parent was an addict, if she was actively using up until her death, the girls could also be coping with years of trauma from that lifestyle.

You’re young, you don’t have kids, you don’t particularly want kids, you don’t know these kids, and there are multiple reasons that these kids could have many things they’ll need to work through.

If this was a Hallmark movie it would all work out perfectly with you being the adoring mother and the kids well-adjusted in time for a miraculously, magical white Christmas. But this is real life. Saying no is valid.” CemeteryDweller7719

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

As for a better life in foster care, I disagree BUT you don’t have to take them if kids aren’t your choice. They are NOT your responsibility.

Foster care sucks and is very much overfilled.

The fact remains though these kids are not your problem.

You have made it clear that kids are not something you or your husband desire and as much as family may pressure you, stand firm on that. There are many kids brought into families that aren’t wanted and go on to be treated horribly.

You guys can’t be the absolutely only family out there, I’m sure there are others that MIL can work on. You may want to think about going low contact for a bit since I’m sure MIL will be pouring on the guilt trip about this.” Syyrii

2 points - Liked by LilacDark and LizzieTX
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stro 1 year ago
Ntj but i definitely feel bad for the kids.
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18. AITJ For Not Forcing My Mom To Fund My Daughter's College Education?

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“I have two children, a daughter Sam (17f), and a son (19m), and I have always made sure that their education is a top priority. My son is already off at school and doing very well, and Sam was accepted into her desired college school and program.

My mom promised to pay for her entire education a long time ago, including tuition and accommodation. Everyone was overjoyed by this.

However, after my divorce several years ago, Sam started to prioritize my ex-wife’s family during every season.

Sam decided to visit her mom’s side of the family instead of spending time with mine. We are always told there are a lot more people there and the food is so much better. Can’t argue with the fact that her extended family was there, but I don’t think an hour with grandparents is asking too much.

This all upset my mother and strained their relationship. Two weeks ago, she called me to tell me that she would no longer be paying for Sam’s education. She felt that Sam had put her own family second and didn’t treat her like she mattered at all.

I hate to say it, but I also can’t argue with that.

Since then, Sam has taken a full view of what college is going to look like for her. She will likely need to rethink her dream school and major.

On top of that the loans will be an anchor in her life. She asked me to help, and I certainly will when I can, but when her mother and I divorced, she got all the college accounts and used that to fund her house.

This is old news, but I feel very relevant.

While I feel bad for my daughter, I do not feel responsible for my mother’s actions. She made the choice to stop supporting Sam’s education, and I cannot force her to change her mind.

I have spoken to my mother and tried to reason with her, but she is firm in her decision. I have also told Sam that she brought this on herself for treating her grandmother less than the rest of her family.

Sam is understandably upset and feels like she is being punished for wanting to spend time with her mom’s side of the family. However, I believe that she is old enough to understand the consequences of her actions and make decisions for herself.

As a parent, I have always taught my children to take responsibility for their choices, and I feel that this situation is no different.

So, Am I the jerk here? Should have I gotten more involved?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

The only person who should be equally responsible for Sam’s college education finance is her mother.

Particularly because she used that fund to buy her house. That completely makes her mom the jerk here.

While it was great that your mom offered to pay for Sam’s college, that is 100% your mom’s decision, not yours.

You tried to reason with your mom to no avail. There really isn’t anything else you can do here. I’m sure you’re helping where you can, financially. But you can only do what you can.

I agree with your mom here.

If Sam completely neglected to see her grandparents, they have every right not to give that person a penny.” bmyst70

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You tried to talk to your mom on her behalf and that didn’t work.

And her mom used her college fund to buy a house. A lesson to others – put those funds in a 579 fund so that it cannot be taken out by the parents for their own use.

A lesson for your daughter, she is not entitled to any money from grandma if she ghosts her and spends all her time with the other side of the family. My kids were written out of my mother’s will because they never visited her.” ra0928

Another User Comments:

“Technically, NTJ.

It wasn’t your money to give, you’re not in control of your mother, and you’re certainly not in control of your ex-wife having appropriated previously set aside funds.

But I don’t think any of this will matter to your daughter who is the ultimate loser in this entire situation.

From her perspective, I imagine her grandma is betraying her, her dad is abandoning her, and her mother tricked her. If I were her I would feel alone and scared. I understand that these are consequences for her choices but she’s a child and there’s absolutely no way she was capable of conceptualizing the huge impact a couple of parties would have on the rest of her career and life.

Literally, her brain is not capable of understanding that.

Again, I realize this isn’t in your control, but if I were your daughter, I don’t know if I would ever be able to forgive you or your mother. Good luck.” SingingPurrmaid

-3 points - Liked by LilacDark
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rbleah 1 year ago
i am with Grandma, your daughter is acting ENTITLED. So since she prefered Her mom's side of the family she can go ask THEM. YOU ARE NOT THE JERK.
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17. AITJ For Telling My Mom When I Lost All My Love And Respect For Her?

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“I (21M) live with my older sister (23) and my two younger sisters (17 and 15). My older sister currently has legal custody over our two younger sisters and at one point even had legal custody over me when I was still a minor, she basically gained custody of us all when she was 19 because our mom was an addict.

My mom is currently going through end-stage renal kidney failure, assumingly because all of those years of not taking care of herself caught up to her. When she first started going to dialysis about 5 months ago, she put me down as her emergency contact, and at first, I just sucked it up and dealt with it (because she doesn’t have anyone else in this part of the country and my older sister doesn’t talk to her for reasons you can imagine.)

However, yesterday when the clinic contacted me, and I had to pick her up, I informed her that she needed to put someone else down because I wouldn’t be answering those calls anymore after she had her family members leave threatening messages to my older sister.

This made her mad, and she started going on about why I didn’t love her anymore and when I stopped loving her. So I told her, I told her the exact moment I stopped loving her and respecting her was when I was 13.

I had just entered high school. I was big into football, and the coach at that time was brutal. He was making us practice two times a day at 5 am and after school. I told her how I woke up one morning and she was passed out on the couch off of whatever substance she was using at the time and my older sister only 15 at the time was freaking out because we had no food…

we never had any food.

She was freaking out thinking I was going to pass out from all of that practice and barely eating. I tried to assure her that I would be fine, but she went into that kitchen and grabbed the only things we had which were 2 days old almost burnt rice, salt, a can of green beans, and half a chicken breast, and made me and our siblings an entire fried rice meal.

She made sure I ate that morning, and I ate that meal on my way to practice crying. She had to stay home from school that day like she did most days to send younger sisters off to school and to be there to pick them up.

When I got home from that day, my sister was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and there were some groceries in the fridge that she bought with the money that she got from selling her rings that our grandma gave her to some sketchy guy that used to hang out at the convenience store.

All while Mom remained passed out.

I told her that’s when all love and respect for her vanished. She cried and told me that I was evil. Having a moral conflict because I’m wondering if I should’ve been softer with her.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She put you down as her emergency contact in an attempt to manipulate you and to make herself look like a good mother to the staff at the dialysis clinic. She has her flying monkeys, which means she has plenty of other people to fill that role.

You stood up for the person who has always stood up for you and that’s an automatic NTJ. If your mother didn’t want to be thought of as a bad mother, then she should have stepped up and done the job instead of forcing your older sister into the role.” Tannim44

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Addicts are not free from the consequences of their actions because they are addicts. They don’t get to leave destruction and sadness in their wake and expect others to handle them with kid gloves. It gets really hard to be gentle to someone when they’ve let you suffer and it was their primary job to try and protect you from suffering.

The truth simply is, if it’s hard, then it’s hard. If it’s brutal, it’s brutal. If you change what it is, then it’s not the truth.

However, that you are having a moral conflict over it shouldn’t be ignored.

While I excused your behavior, it does speak more to one’s own character in how we treat others, especially those who wronged us, than it does to theirs. So while it’s certainly not a jerk move, remember that for future interactions with people.

Just my old man’s advice.” Cfx99

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, your older sister sounds like she was more of a mother to you anyway. Treasure her. Take care of yourselves. Do not take anything your ‘mother’ says to heart.

I’d go no contact, misery loves company and she didn’t earn her place in your life, so any obligations (in my opinion) become void. It surprises me how many craptastic parents who are nearing the end of their life feel so entitled to their children to care for them. Play stupid games, and win stupid prizes. Seriously, go no contact. Sounds like any interactions with her will only continue to upset you. You don’t deserve that.” randapanda8

3 points - Liked by IDontKnow, LilacDark and Sheishei101
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kbeaudway 1 year ago
It doesn't sound like she's made any effort to make amends for her behavior as an addict. Doesn't sound like she's been through a program, and admitted her failings to you, and tried to rebuild a relationship. She's just trying to guilt you into taking care of her at the end of her life. You're not the jerk for your feelings. She betrayed you all.
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16. AITJ For Bringing Someone "Unsuccessful" To My Friend's Gala?

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“I (F25) work in AI/tech and a lot of my friends from my college program and work, including myself, are fortunately well off. One of my friends (F25) hosts these quarterly black-tie galas that are honestly super cool because she’s great at planning events.

She kept begging me to bring a date to her February gala and was even sending me the social media of a bunch of guys from college and this company we interned at. Honestly, I never really vibed with any of the guys from school because I was hyper-focused on studying and I never really clicked with them.

I go to this ice cream shop near me a lot, and there’s a cute guy who runs the shop. I’ve been trying to get out of my shell a little more, so I finally asked him for his number and asked him if he would like to go to my friend’s party with me after we texted for a bit.

I told my friend that I had a surprise date so she would get off my back. At the party when he introduced himself, she seemed kind of off-put, and I feel a little bad for him too because he seemed a bit awkward but I think he warmed up as the night went on.

He texted me afterward and said he had a good time (although it could be that he was just trying to be polite to me).

After the party, my friend told me that I was being disrespectful to the time and energy she put into planning by ‘picking up random guys off the street’ to go with me to her gala.

She also said that I was rude to my date by bringing him there because he wasn’t as ‘successful as everyone else’ and ‘obviously felt uncomfortable and ashamed.’

I kind of apologized to her reflexively because I felt bad for making her feel disrespected.

However, I’m starting to feel like her reaction was pretty over the top and snobby. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You live your life genuinely. You look at people as the diverse, interesting human beings they are. Your ‘friend’ is playing a strategic game in which the people are pawns on her way to ‘winning!’

She didn’t want you to bring a date to her gala because of any thought or care for you.

She wanted you to bring a date to make her gala strategically a better networking/uber-people connecting event. Maybe she thought if you brought someone ‘worthwhile,’ she could swoop in and steal the guy.

She’s a shallow, classist/elitist, judgmental snob.

With you, just as much as with your date.

Have fun getting to know this guy. Whether or not he’s ‘the one,’ you are feeding your soul in a way that your ‘friend’ cannot understand and probably never will.” swillshop

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Whether your date felt comfortable is between you and your date.

‘I was being disrespectful to the time and energy she put into planning by ‘picking up random guys off the street’ to go with me to her gala.’

The most charitable interpretation is that she expected you to bring a date that you were more serious about, and she did not get the impression that you were serious about this guy.

She is a jerk because she didn’t communicate her ‘standards’ for ‘seriousness’ ahead of time. She is also a jerk because she is presuming that you couldn’t possibly be serious about this guy because he is not as ‘successful’.

A less charitable interpretation is that she just doesn’t like ‘the poor’ at her parties.” SilasRhodes

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Your friend is an elitist. I’m guessing she doesn’t mind if people serve her ice cream or coffee or whatever in a shop, but she sure doesn’t want to socialize with ‘their kind.’ UGH! Get better friends.

All work is good work. And someone who runs/manages a small business is just as valuable to society as someone who works in high tech or whatever. Money is not the measure of a good person or their worth to the world.” The-Answer-Is-57

4 points - Liked by IDontKnow, LilacDark, shgo and 1 more
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stro 1 year ago
Ntj. Your friend is a snob.
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15. AITJ For Unintentionally Getting My Friend To Name Her Baby An Awful Name?

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“A good college friend of mine ‘Roxy’ married my husband’s cousin, and our kids will share their last name. We’re now in our late 20s. I’m 29 weeks pregnant and Roxy just gave birth to her first daughter.

Being friends, Roxy and I compared notes, but she also kept asking what I’d go with name-wise. I told her she’ll find out when my baby comes. Once I found out I’m having a boy (no, I won’t say his name), she got more incessant about what girl name I’d picked, saying ‘It’s not like it matters now’ as if I won’t have another kid.

I got annoyed and asked my husband if I’d be wrong to just give a fake name to shut her up. He suggested ‘Mierda’ which is Spanish for ‘crap’. I said that to Roxy when she asked me for the ninth time.

No exaggeration, that’s how many times I remember her asking. It may have been more.

They went with that name, but guess what? Their OB/GYN speaks Spanish and informed them exactly what that name was. My husband’s cousin called – yes, CALLED – me to cuss me out, saying I am a ‘heartless jerk’ for ’embarrassing him and Roxy’ and ruining what should’ve been the greatest moment of joy in their lives.

I didn’t think of that angle and realized I wouldn’t like it if someone did that to me, so AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“Let me get this straight… she bugged you and bugged you to find out what you’d name your potential daughter with the clear intention of ‘stealing’ it (no one can really steal a name but it can still be a jerk thing to do) and then got upset when it turned out you were joking (kinda)? That sounds like her problem.

If she really cared about the name I think she’d at least look up what it means before deciding on it. That’s why I think she only wanted to use it to spite you. Stupid games, stupid prizes.

NTJ.” cbm984

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

You didn’t have to give a genuine answer. You clearly had a hunch and chose not to tell the truth. You chose to do so in a way that would cause problems in multiple ways.

If they found out, you get the situation you’re in now.

But honestly, this was the best-case scenario. Imagine if the doctor didn’t know what it meant. That poor kid getting named ‘crap’ until she got it changed.

You could have stood your ground. You could have given a generic name that you aren’t attached to.

There are options here that don’t end with a child named ‘Mierda’. The person who suffers, in the end, is the kid.” ShadeofIcarus

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, your ‘friend’ is oddly intrusive, and, quite frankly, who picks a random name without researching at least what the name means? You threw a name out during a moment of frustration.

You never knew that it would go this far. You said, ‘I wouldn’t like it if someone did that to me,’ but would you have actually harassed someone to give you the name they chose? They called yelling because they were embarrassed, not because they were ‘robbed’ of a special moment.” Ecstatic_Air_9052

3 points - Liked by IDontKnow, LilacDark and Sheishei101
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Minxie 1 year ago
I would've played innocent & said "I thought that was the name of that red headed girl in Brave." (Merida) It is very close in spelling lol
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14. AITJ For Telling My Dad's New Partner The Real Reason I Limit Contact?

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“I’m number two of four sisters. I had a good childhood in terms of having good food to eat, nice clothes, education, etc. I didn’t have a good childhood in terms of a loving environment. My dad screamed at Mom all the time and called her names.

Compared us to other kids. These are just a couple of things, there are a lot more. And of course, he was always right, he could never be wrong.

He did a lot of charity and helped other people so Mom would always say what a good guy he is and we should be grateful for him.

I and my sisters also managed to ignore everything when we were younger and didn’t know better.

A few years ago there was a situation (I don’t know how else to put it) with my older sister that finally made mom take off her rose-colored glasses and she filed for divorce.

I have limited contact with him now. He has a new partner who he’s been with for about a year, I’ve met her once and she did seem nice, but I just don’t want much to do with him.

Not that long ago his partner DMed me asking if I’d like to meet up with her for coffee and she wanted to talk to me. So I said okay and we had lunch a few days ago.

She asked me why I’m so distant from Dad and if it was something she did or if she made us feel uncomfortable, and that she would like to get to know us and clear the air.

I said it’s not anything like that and not to do with her.

I eventually told her about what type of dad he was, how he treated my mom, and all that. She seemed sort of shocked at first and I think she thought I was exaggerating.

I didn’t really know what to say so I just replied this is what he was like with us, and this is why I limit contact.

She obviously talked to Dad about this and he called me, asking why I said that to his partner.

I replied she asked for the truth, so I told her the truth but he said he was upset I tried to make him look bad, and I’m one-sided.

I wouldn’t care what he thinks but my younger sister thinks I shouldn’t have told her all of that and just let them be, so, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

His partner sounds like a gem. She reached out to you and was obviously personable enough for you to speak your truth. I doubt she sticks around for long. If I were her the only acceptable response from your dad would have been ‘I am not proud of my shortcomings and continue to work on improving myself.

Would you help me rebuild a relationship with my daughter?’ Any attempt to put the full blame on his daughter should be an immediate dealbreaker.

Having said that people can and do change. Barring fear of violence always keep the door ajar for your father to show he has changed and wants to reconnect.

If his partner sticks around keeping a (distant) relationship with her would satisfy as keeping a line of communication open.” Ready-Bird2523

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

You didn’t seek out his partner, to begin with. She invited you to talk with her, and she asked why you’re distant.

You answered her question to the best of your ability and did so honestly.

Your dad isn’t happy that she now knows about his past. The issue is that he’s blaming you. He’s the only one to blame for his choices and his actions.

He knows he’s done wrong because he tried hiding it from his partner. He hasn’t done anything to try to make up for his past, and he seems to think that he can wear a mask and pretend to be who he wants when it pleases him.

Your dad is a narcissist, a manipulator, and a gaslighter. This is exactly why he did this volunteer work. He made your mother doubt her own sanity. He made her doubt that he is a bad person.

He doesn’t seem to have changed, and he is hiding his true colors from his partner.

Does she have minor children? She definitely needs to know that they are in danger around him. If he assaulted your sister, his own flesh and blood, he will not hesitate to do it again given the chance.

With all of that said, it’s clear why he hasn’t told his partner about his past. If he had changed, the proof would be in the pudding: he would have told his partner about his past and about the help he’s received to change even before they got into a relationship because she has the right to know all of this.

I’m sorry for the trauma that this man put your entire family through. You did nothing wrong other than give a narcissist a reality check that he didn’t enjoy.” plo83

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

It might only be a matter of time before he starts to treat her the same.

People like that, they can lure you in with charms and kindness, and once you’re invested or trapped, it turns off and goes away (and if their victims start to pull away, Nice Guy comes back sometimes to make them feel like maybe they were overthinking things and should stay).

You told her the truth. She tried to talk about it, and he got mad at you instead of accepting responsibility for his harmful actions. He hasn’t changed. If she doesn’t leave now, she’ll be more alert in the future.

She seems like a good person. After all, she reached out and was afraid that she was impacting your relationship with your dad. She’s very mature and has a very high degree of emotional intelligence, that’s extremely commendable.” Limerase

3 points - Liked by IDontKnow, LilacDark and Sheishei101
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LilacDark 1 year ago
So according to Daddy Dearest, OP "tried to make him look bad" by telling the truth about him. If this isn't narcissistic behavior, I don't know what IS. The partner would be wise to 1) watch the father very carefully from here on out, if she still wants to stay with him, and 2) be ready to make a hasty exit, should his behavior towards her takes a dark turn.
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13. AITJ For Not Getting My Niece A Huge Expensive Gift?

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“My brother and his ex-wife, after their divorce, have been in a bitter 10-year fight over properties and finances.

My mother’s house and ex-SIL’s mother’s house are their properties as well, the supposed deal was nobody was going to mess with the mom’s houses until they both passed away or went to live somewhere else.

I have begged my brother for, literally, years to put that in writing, but typically, he never did anything.

Yesterday my mom received an eviction notice from my ex-SIL. It is a very bitter and hard pill to swallow for my mom since my grandma just died.

But here’s the thing, I am fortunate to have money to buy my mom’s house, but my ex-SIL is so bitter towards my brother that she has told me numerous times she will never sell it to any of us, she’d rather burn the property.

I have begged my mom to move out, I can buy a different house but she has lived in that house for 20 years, my dad and grandma passed in that house and she doesn’t want to move.

I refuse to hire a lawyer to get my mom out of this one, I will pay for a house, but I won’t fight the eviction or pay uselessly to attempt to get this house for her.

My brother is now, SUPPOSEDLY, suing my ex-SIL, but who knows?

Anyway, my niece’s sweet 16 is approaching. I don’t have a super close relationship with her anymore because her mother doesn’t really allow her to be with us that much.

She’s also a teen and not very interested in family. I know she has nothing to do with this, and I will give her a gift, but my brother and my ex-SIL expect me, and even promised her that I would get her a big gift, like a car or to pay for her party, and I just don’t want to do it.

I have money, yes, I could do it, yes, but I am not going to use my money on their kid when I have to buy my mom a house. If I’m honest, there’s also a lot of resentment over having to be dragged into this mess and I feel I don’t want anything to do with that entire ‘family’.

This is just the latest of a 10-year drama in which we have all been harassed by this lady. Am I being unreasonable here?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

It’s really presumptuous of your bro and ex-sil to tell your niece you would buy her a car?! Or even worse that you’d pay for her party?!

They are her parents, if they want her to have these things, they can buy them.

If Bro and Ex own both homes why did they not divide them at the time of the divorce?

This is your bro’s fight to fight. I wouldn’t do anything either. He made this mess, he can figure it out.

In the event mom is forced to get out, then you can discuss with mom where she wants to live and if that means buying her a house then you do it.” Mentalcomposer

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and not unreasonable.

Through your brother’s negligence and your family’s inability to come together for solutions to a problem that affects them, you are left looking like a jerk through no fault of your own. It’s not fair to you.

It doesn’t matter if you have money. You are not obligated to get a substantial gift for a child that isn’t your own. She is your niece, so family, but still isn’t your responsibility. Get her a nice gift that reflects her interests or a generic gift with a gift receipt.

That is more than enough. Hope things with your mother work out.” BinxGirl87

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your brother and ex-SIL have zero right to tell you what you should buy as a gift. That’s completely up to you and how much you wish to spend.

Please don’t take it out on the 16-year-old who seemingly has nothing to do with the whole situation (and may very well be completely oblivious to what’s going on with her grandma). If anything a 16-year-old whose parents are going through a messy divorce needs your support, not your money.

I would say if she’s been promised something and you aren’t planning to deliver it then give her fair warning.” amish__

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Squidmom 1 year ago
NTA. That is crazy. How did she get both in laws houses? I'd get her a stuffed graduation bear and be done.
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12. AITJ For Reporting A Guy In The Women's Bathroom?

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“I (19F) am in college and I live in an all-girls dorm. Recently there has been a lot of discussion about how to deal with guys staying over, and we all came to the conclusion that it’s not okay for guys to be in the women’s bathroom.

There’s a gender-neutral bathroom downstairs, however, it does not have a shower.

Before this rule was in place, my SO (19M) would stay over and whenever he had to shower I would make sure nobody was in the bathroom when he walked in and out of the shower stall as well as staying next to the stall the entire time.

This got people upset however doing this was not against any spoken or unspoken rules, and there isn’t any place in this building for a guy to shower.

But that’s not the point. Saturday night my friend Kelly (18F) and I got back from hanging out with friends around 11 PM.

We were both in the bathroom getting ready for bed when we heard a guy outside banging on a door and yelling, and we were both kinda freaked out by it. A few minutes later, this same guy walks into the bathroom by himself, makes eye contact with me, and walks into the bathroom stall.

I looked at Kelly and she literally couldn’t believe what had just happened. (I later found out that she was very scared and was ready to hide under a sink if the guy started walking around.)

I freaked out and angrily texted the hall group chat ‘I thought we had a talk about guys being in the bathrooms, especially unaccompanied at nighttime.

Not cool guys,’ to which someone (who was not on campus) replied along the lines of ‘Maybe get your own SO in check before talking about other guys’.

Anyways, the RA had already warned this guy to stop causing problems after he was banging on doors and making people feel unsafe.

After the bathroom incident, she asked me what he looked like to be sure it was the same guy, and then she called campus security to kick him out.

Now everyone is mad at me for getting upset about him being in the bathroom when ‘it wasn’t even a big deal’ (I overheard that when I was in the bathroom a day later) and since he’s underage, on the football team, and was pretty obviously drinking I’m guessing he got into big trouble.

That wasn’t my intention at all and I wasn’t even the one to call campus security, but now the girls who are friends with him are all mad at me and calling me ‘jerk’ and ‘freak’ whenever I walk past them.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Given that the RA had already needed to tell the guy to stop making other people uncomfortable (banging on doors), your instincts were spot on. Especially given that he was banging on doors and yelling beforehand, and then knowingly walked into an all-female bathroom.

In my experience, college culture was super averse to snitching in. However, there’s a line between ratting people out for no good reason and dealing with a safety concern. This guy sounds like the latter; you did the right thing.

Also, female dorm group chats are the worst place imaginable; you’re fine.” worhal

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

The wasted guy making people feel unsafe in the dorms and acting aggressively is the biggest jerk.

‘This got people upset however doing this was not against any spoken or unspoken rules.’

The heck it isn’t.

You’re in an all-girls dorm and that’s the girl’s bathroom. There is an expectation that there won’t be dudes in the girl’s bathroom. You letting your SO shower in the women’s room is the next biggest jerk.

‘There’s a gender-neutral bathroom downstairs however it does not have a shower.’

Boo hoo! There is no shower for men because it’s a girls’ dorm. I lived in the dorms, too. He can go to his own dorm/home/whatever to shower.

The ‘griefers’ are just getting salty. They’re a jerk. That guy was way out of line and they should know it.” KronkLaSworda

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Squidmom 1 year ago
I would have told him to get out. No boy/man should be in a women's bathroom at all except for little kids who can't be left alone.
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11. AITJ For Refusing To Tell My Son That He Can't Perform At His Uncle's Wedding Anymore?

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“My brother’s getting married and asked if my twins (17f&m) could perform something. My daughter’s in the choir and my son’s in a band so they’re both musically talented and they love their uncle to bits so they were over the moon and began planning something immediately.

Well, a couple of days ago I got a phone call from my future SIL. She was talking about how she wants her wedding to be perfect and have a very ‘delicate’ vibe. In other words, ‘pure’ and ‘angelic’.

Then she made a joke about how opposite my twins are. I laughed along because I really did not understand what she was implying.

She finally got to the point though and asked if my daughter could just do a solo instead of having my son join.

I asked her why and she awkwardly explained that she fit the themes of her wedding better. ‘No offense, of course, your son’s great… he’s just a bit much. Isn’t too pure and innocent either is he? Don’t want to give my parents the wrong impression.’

I mean…

I suppose? He’s more into rock and stuff like that, his hair is messy and he dresses exactly the way you’re imagining but he’s not a bad kid. And it’s not like he was going to play a crazy rock and roll song at the wedding either…

and he wasn’t going to show up in baggy ripped jeans or whatever.

I told my future SIL that what she was requesting was really unfair and that my brother asked both of them. It would crush my son if he was asked to back out.

I asked her if she would be willing to tell my son. She said no that she’s not his parent. I just told her that I’m not going to be the one to break my son’s heart.

She called me a difficult old woman (I’m only 5 years older than her LOL) who’s going to ruin her special day. She yelled at me some more about not taking responsibility as his parent before hanging up.

Her sister texted me sometime later saying that my son’s a big boy and he’ll be fine. But they’re not the ones who’ve been listening to him talk about how excited he is to perform for his uncle (who he sees as his father figure).

AITJ? I know that I should be the one to break it to him but what she’s requesting really is not fair. She should’ve at least discussed it with my brother before he put the idea in their heads.”

Another User Comments:

“You’re NTJ.

Your future SIL is willing to damage her husband’s relationship with his nephew for a long time and potentially drive a wedge between the twins for the sake of appearances in what, a 5-minute musical performance? She just won the shallowest jerk of the week award.

Even worse, she lacks the guts to tell the young man she wants to reject that he would mar the perfect image she is trying to project.

Well, if it’s any consolation, maybe the next time your brother gets married it won’t be to someone so superficial.” Dittoheadforever

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

You need to stop talking to the bride and consult the groom instead.

Block or mute the bride, there’s no need to hear from her. Your brother is your only link to this woman so everything should go through him anyway.

Chances are he has no idea she’s contacted you and she’s hoping to frame it as your son backed out of his own decision and by the time it all comes out that it was her machinations that excluded your son, the marriage certificate will all be signed.

I would want to know if I was marrying someone this much of a manipulative jerk.” IllustratorSlow1614

Another User Comments:

“Talk to your brother to see if he is aware of this request or if she’s making executive decisions on her own.

You’re not in charge of inviting or uninviting people, she should have the sincerity to do that herself as the person central to the organization of the event.

Respect where it’s due for keeping level-headed despite the circumstances, deciding to exclude someone from an event whilst simultaneously hitting you with something along the lines of ‘He doesn’t suit the vibe no offense’ AKA ‘I’m pretending to not be offensive but I’m also clearly stating I don’t want them there’ is not easy to hear. NTJ.” Donmahglas

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rbleah 1 year ago
Talk to your brother and find out if he knows what is going on. If he does then tell him NONE of you will be there because he is marrying a witch. Explain to the kids EXACTLY what was said and by whom. If he is NOT aware of this then the ball is in his court. THEY must be the ones to tell the kids, your son especially. NOT YOUR JOB. YOU ARE NOT THE JERK.
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10. AITJ For Refusing To Help Out My Family Now That I'm Successful?

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“So growing up we were always really poor. We walked to school in the middle of snowy icy winter cuz Dad has no money for even a single bus ticket kind of poor. Most of my friends were in a similar situation.

And that continued into early adulthood and our mid-twenties.

Eventually, though, we all got pretty decent jobs and made it to the glory of the middle class. I personally tho wasn’t happy. We could afford cars and moved to better neighborhoods but still, we were all living paycheck to paycheck.

I tried to convince friends/family to pool what little funds we had together and try some sort of business venture, but nobody was interested at all.

A few years passed and after repeatedly failing to convince anyone to embark on this journey with me I decided to go at it alone.

I worked full-time and ran a small side business for approx 3 years. By the 4th year into it, I started making some real income so I quit my job and went full-time into the business.

I tried once again to recruit friends/family to join me and told them they could come in part-time, during weekends, or whatever schedule works for them. They all declined. A couple of years passed, and I tried again, this time offering even more funds.

Again they all declined. I offered my brother double what his employer was paying him… declined (better for his resume to work in a big company than with me he said). By this point, I needed help badly so I just ended up hiring random applicants off the internet.

Then 2020 came and I was forced to close down. It caught me at a bad time too because I had just tried to expand so the overhead was massive. Not knowing how long the global crisis would last I decided to stop bleeding funds and permanently close.

Sure enough family/friends were ready with the ‘I told you so’ speeches. Gave me tons of crap because my resume was outdated and I won’t have any proper references to get a job now etc.

I had a chunk of funds saved up tho, which I decided to put into the stock market and once the bounce back happened I walked away with a pretty good sum.

Used that to re-establish the business, now stronger than ever. Long story long I finally started doing really well and spending some of what I made, got a nice place, a couple of cars, etc etc.

What do you know, all of a sudden friends want in now. My brother wants to ‘partner up’ and wants to borrow tens of thousands of dollars to buy an apartment. Honestly, I’m in my mid-30s, never had kids, and was single for most of my life.

If this hadn’t worked they would all consider me a failure.

Part of me feels like telling them all to get lost. The more favors they ask, the more bitter I feel. I’m trying to justify to myself that I should help them just because I can.

But it’s not working… deep down I do NOT want to help. I don’t feel it’s fair I had to struggle for so long while they took it easy. At the same time, it’s my brother and my lifelong friends…

I don’t know… am I just a bitter old jerk now?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – You aren’t obligated to any of these people.

If someone is asking for a job for which they are qualified, that would be ok as long as you have confidence in their work ethic.

If you truly need a partner to make a substantial investment to help you expand then you could consider them. However, it doesn’t sound like you need that and it also doesn’t sound like they are offering any real buy-in – it’s more like they want to stake them.

Nope.

You definitely don’t owe anybody hand-outs or loans for apartment purchases or anything else. You are not a bank. It’s almost never a good idea to loan to friends or family.” Used_Mark_7911

Another User Comments:

“These are your friends and family.

I understand that you are troubled that they have needs.

However, you offered them a chance more than once to join you but they refused. That is understandable as some people are unable to handle risk and cling to safety even when they could have benefited.

In their situation though, I would have offered to help as I could while keeping my regular job to be secure for my bills.

If you choose to do so, why not offer them a job like you would offer anyone with their skillset and experience? If they work really hard, they can progress through the ranks just like anyone else in your company.

If they decline to start at a reasonable position at a reasonable pay rate, that’s an indication that they are more interested in the rewards than helping do the work. I would recommend having trusted employees be cutouts between you and them, and make sure they know that they have your expectation to treat all employees equally.

If you choose not to hire friends and family that is ok too. You asked them when you had positions available. You might not have jobs that would suit them anymore. Their lack of support, when you had to close down, would have soured me on being too generous.

You can be their friend without being their ATM.

NTJ.” latents

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. They had their chance. You have a loyal crew that’s been there with you since you hired them. Your friends and family are fair-weather people and will only be around until they bleed you dry financially.

Set hard boundaries with your crew, esp since they had their chance to join you. You worked hard for what you got. Start a nice retirement account and add to it. Enjoy your wealth and reward the people who choose to take a chance and work with you.

Give the good ones promotions, bonuses, etc as you can afford them. Your friends and family aren’t entitled to your bank account. You’re not their atm or personal bank. You should decline their requests for favors and funds.

Enjoy your own wealth and hard work. It’s your business. Don’t give it away to those who wouldn’t help you build.

I’d tell people the distance they maintained in your struggle they should double during your success, and cut some ties with the most toxic ones.” depressivedarling

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Britbo 1 year ago
So they are only around for the highs of your life and expect you to fund them? Nope, see ya
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9. AITJ For Letting My Dad Take My Kids On An Expensive Trip?

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“My (46 f) brother Mark (43 m) had a rough time during the global crisis, losing his job and income for almost 2 years. He’s more or less back on his feet now but I know he’s felt a lot of financial stress.

My parents (70s) have savings, my dad’s good pension, and as older boomers, significant real estate equity so while they’re not wealthy, they are comfortable. My mom has hinted that she and my dad helped Mark out while he was unemployed but I’ve never asked any questions because 1) it’s none of my business 2) my husband and I kept our jobs and were lucky to get through the global crisis financially unscathed even though there were layoffs at our organizations as well.

So the question: a few months ago, my dad told me that he wanted to take my kids (17f and 15m) on a big trip this summer. My mom is not really up for much travel anymore so it would be the three of them.

Dad’s not really comfortable online so he picked the country and asked me to book the hotels, flights, etc. It’s a pretty expensive place and he said not to worry about costs, so while I’m not booking 5-star hotels, it’s not going to be a cheap vacation.

Mark has started to make lots of snide remarks about the costs of this trip. I have been ignoring the comments but they just keep coming. He said the other day that I’m ‘blowing the inheritance.’ He’s also hinted that we should postpone so he can go.

(His current boss won’t let him take a vacation this summer so my kids would have to miss school which neither of them would want to do.)

Mark likely still has financial headaches coming out of the last couple of years, and I understand there might be a certain amount of resentment towards my husband and me for having relative financial security.

But this trip was not my idea and my dad is really excited. AITJ for taking my dad up on his offer and spending his money on my kids?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. While your parents are alive, it is their money to spend as they see fit.

Your dad wants to make memories with his grandchildren, which will be precious memories for them as well. You have no reason to feel guilty about your dad’s desire to spend time with your children, especially considering how much help your brother already received (so I don’t think there’s some golden child/scapegoat dynamic going on).

Your brother sounds really entitled and insecure.” Witty_Cucumber255

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

And your father is doing this as much for himself as a present for your children as he wants to have this incredible experience with them. Not that it isn’t generous for him to do it but it is a win-win for him.

I am pointing this out as a reason why OP shouldn’t feel guilty along with the obvious that his parents have the absolute right to spend their money as they want. I would imagine if your brother had kids of the same age, he would take them as well or otherwise indulge them.

Not that it is the same, but I live in Los Angeles and when my niece visited, my mother would take her to all of the amusement parks. My mother would never have gone to Disneyland on her own but the experience of sharing it with her granddaughter was irresistible.” Jujulabee

Another User Comments:

“Very uncomfortable he’s talking about inheritance when your parents sound healthy enough for the most part—as in not on their deathbeds that is.

If your dad wants to have some fun in retirement and not go alone, that’s very fair. Sounds like a win-win. Kids see the world and get exposure, your dad gets company, and sounds like you don’t have to worry too much about him being alone.

I’m guessing your kids are double digits at least.

While we may never stop being our parents’ children, at some point the financial umbilical cord needs to be cut. When he was hitting hard financial times your parents stepped in a helped him.

He has a job and is getting back on his feet. Something feels wrong about expecting his parents to continue supporting him. I feel like at this point we should begin caring for our parents whether that be by helping out here and there physically or financially when need be. Not the other way around.

NTJ.” PettyHonestThrowaway

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Squidmom 1 year ago
Tell bro to jerk off. He wasted enough of the "inheritance" when he was jobless.
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8. AITJ For Not Inviting A New Workmate To Lunch?

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“I (28F) work in the marketing department at a relatively small company, with about 60 employees in total, more or less. My department has 6 members in total. We had a new colleague join our department a few weeks ago, we’ll call her Jenny.

I would say Jenny is a pretty friendly person, I personally think that in terms of creativity and overall work ethic, she is a pretty good fit for the team and an overall great addition.

My company operates in an office building where there is a food court on the lower ground floor, comprising about 8 or 9 stalls that serve different types of cuisine.

My team has made it a habit to have lunch here, mostly for the sake of convenience and to cut costs, as the food served in the food court is generally a lot cheaper and affordable.

On Jenny’s first day, I suggested that we offer to buy her lunch anywhere she’d like, as a way of welcoming her to the team. Everyone agreed and so we let Jenny decide where we would all have lunch that day.

Jenny chose a somewhat bougie cafe, about 15 minutes away from the office. The food was average and it cost us about thrice as much as we would usually pay at the food court.

For a few days, Jenny would try to persuade us to follow her to other similar cafes, because she said she is used to eating in places like this.

We were hesitant but gave in to avoid any awkwardness. During her second week here, she tried to do the same thing again, so we decided to have a discussion with Jenny and explained to her that the meals were too costly and we didn’t find it necessary to spend that much for lunch every day on mediocre food.

We eventually convinced her to check out the food court, but she didn’t like it. She hated everything about it, especially the ‘cheap and ugly’ vibe, and refused to come back. The next day, we asked her if she would like to join us for lunch at the food court, but she rejected our offer and said she would order in instead.

We told her she was welcome to join us at the foodcourt with whatever she was ordering from UberEats, in case she wanted to chat with us. Jenny informed us that she would prefer not to go back to the food court and expressed that she felt pressured every time we offered.

We understood and mentioned that we wouldn’t disturb her by asking anymore. In the following days, we would say goodbye to Jenny and go to the food court without inviting her. Yesterday, she made a formal complaint to our HOD and HR, saying that she’s been very stressed lately because of how toxic her team is, how she felt like she was being bullied by us, and that we were intentionally making her feel like an outcast by not including her in our lunch plans on purpose.

I’m being called in tomorrow for a meeting with our HOD and HR, and I genuinely want to know if it’s possible that we did do all of the things she said we did because I’d like to apologize to her if I’m in the wrong here.”

Another User Comments:

“You can tell HR that you are NTJ.

You tried to be welcoming and went out of your way to try her suggestions. You didn’t like them, as is your right. She tried your suggestion and didn’t like it, as is her right. Everybody can eat where they prefer and since the majority of the team prefers the food court, it’s only logical that you go there.

The fact that she is missing out on social interaction is unfortunate but not your fault.

The fact that she is being such a crybaby about this issue, though, might be a red flag of how toxic she is going to be down the line.” JadeMarco

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – No need to apologize.

Once you’ve been contacted by HR/HOD do not approach Jenny unless another peer is with you to witness the conversation. She has set up a hostile situation. She is essentially saying, ‘If I don’t get my way then your team is toxic and a bully.’

Show up to this meeting with the outline of dates/times/locations/names and how you personally, and as part of a group, communicated with Jenny.

Use this post as an outline and include her quotes. You did not exclude her from your lunch plans. Meet with your peers since you all need to explain your actions in a comprehensive manner. Jenny knows how to blow up a team.

She did the damage, not you (collectively). Best to you.” DesertSong-LaLa

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Jenny is shooting herself in the foot by going to HR about such a trivial issue. HR is there to protect the company from lawsuits, not to further Jenny’s best interests.

She has now identified herself as a troublemaker and a threat to the company, and will forever be viewed that way by the higher-ups.

Lunch breaks are personal time, technically speaking. You can spend them with anyone you want, at any venue you want.

You and some of your coworkers had already set up a lunch routine before Jenny entered the picture, based on cost and convenience. This routine was acceptable to those who chose to participate voluntarily. Others were free to make a different choice.

You invited Jenny to join, but she freely chose not to be part of your routine, based on her personal preference. There shouldn’t be any problem here. Again, your lunch break is not company time.

I doubt there are any federal or state laws governing how people spend their lunch breaks, so HR is not going to appreciate Jenny filing a complaint about this issue. She is wasting their time and dragging them into unnecessary turmoil over something she should have been able to handle herself, as a mature adult.” Crazy_Banshee_333

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Squidmom 1 year ago
Shea trouble. I hope they laugh at her. My team has parties all the time. I usually stay to myself. I contribute to their parties but i rarely go. They have even forgotten me because I don't go. Idc. I'd never file a complaint for that. She's an idiot.
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7. AITJ For Telling My Friend To "Rehome" Her Kid?

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“My (22F) friend (24F) has a 5-year-old son. The kid is, to say the least, difficult. She’s tried therapy, daycare, and lots of educational methods but he’s wild, cries a lot, destroys stuff, and yells with her, you get the picture.

The dad pays a pension but isn’t active in their lives and she doesn’t have many family members nearby, so she’s pretty much alone most of the time to deal with this. Poor thing is destroyed.

Whenever we hang out it’s clear from her physical appearance that she isn’t very healthy and she is always tired and anxious. She takes meds but her doctor said that unfortunately there isn’t much to do because there isn’t anything wrong with her, it’s an outside factor.

It’s really painful for me, as she’s been a close friend for many years. So the other day she was in my house while the kid was at daycare. She had a breakdown. Started crying, saying she doesn’t know what to do anymore.

Then this is when I may have been the jerk:

I said she tried her best, but maybe it was time to think of more difficult possibilities. To think if there wasn’t anyone with whom the kid could stay while she took care of herself because she needed to.

She looked at me quite shocked and asked ‘Are you saying that I should rehome my son? Like he’s a dog?’

I said no, don’t take it that way, I was only saying that maybe it would be better for everyone, including him, that he stays with someone who could deal with him in some ways you can’t.

She yelled at me saying that she couldn’t believe I could even suggest such a thing and how heartless I could be. I tried to apologize but she stormed out and hasn’t talked to me ever since.

Some of our friends are saying that I was a jerk for suggesting that for a mother, while a few others say that she needed to hear it even if it was hard.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here.

It’s not surprising that you hurt your friend’s feelings, but you meant well. You were insensitive, probably not well enough informed about what resources are available and what she’s already using, but not a jerk. Maybe she’s been hearing ‘give him up’ comments from her parents or other people in her life, and she thought you were piling on.

You probably have damaged her trust – she won’t share her pain with you again for a while, maybe ever. Apologize – probably in an email, so she doesn’t feel put upon to respond – and don’t press for any response.

Keep texting her when you think of her, keep sending things for her son on his birthday or at other suitable intervals, and maybe look for opportunities to spend time together in a group or to spend time with her and her son.

I don’t know what resources for parents are available where you live. And maybe your friend is too angry with you now to even listen to a more helpful approach from you.

If I were in your shoes watching a friend suffer, first I would pay attention to her stories about how she’s already using the support that she knows about.

Nothing is more frustrating than having an outsider say ‘Have you tried X’ when of course she’s been trying X, or in fact, she’s found out that her son is not eligible for X. But I would be wondering about things like ‘respite care’ (that’s a kind of service that can take a child or a senior adult for a few days or a week while the primary caregiver gets a break or has surgery themselves or whatever).

If you meant to ask about some kind of temporary support like this and your friend thought you were saying she should relinquish guardianship of her son permanently, that’s an unfortunate miscommunication! I would also be wondering whether there is any inpatient care or therapeutic-boarding-school situation suitable for her son’s needs – sometimes there are situations where this kind of placement can help the kid learn some self-regulation without the use of cruel methods.” serioushobbit

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but this is a tough one.

Your friend seems to get physically ill from being exhausted constantly. I don’t think you are a jerk for the suggestion. Giving away your child because you can’t care for them properly is one of the hardest decisions one could make but here it seems like it will be needed eventually.

She tries everything to raise her son and give him the help he needs but it’s destroying her. So what if her health gets worse and she can’t take care of him anymore? It’s also in the kid’s best interest that his mom is fit enough to care for him.

You did not suggest for her to just abandon her child. You said she should find a temporary solution so she can rest and get better.” flyingdemoncat

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here

You tried to help but it obviously came across as very bad.

I see it from your side, the effect a seriously sick or mentally underdeveloped child can have on their parents is terrible to watch, no matter how much they love them.

Is it possible that the child has a diagnosis, like autism? It is a wild guess, a doctor needs to conclude that!

But if that is the case, your friend can get help with therapy, how to schedule the day for the child, special schools, and so on.

I believe this is what you were trying to convey.

But I think you should apologize and not approach the subject again right now. Your friend might not be ready to accept if their child is special needs.” DancinginHyrule

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Your friend is clearly struggling and this child isn’t even a decade old yet. It sounds like he has some serious behavioral problems and maybe some developmental delays or issues. What happens when he’s older and can hurt her? It’s hard but sometimes you just aren’t equipped to handle something.

Having her son put into an assisted living facility where there are professionals trained to deal with him around the clock doesn’t mean she has to abandon him, she can have him over for weekends, take him to lunch or dinner, watch movies with him, go to his school events, everything a mother does, but in a way where both of their needs are being met.” AlltheEmbers

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IDontKnow 1 year ago
The child is 5 and his behaviors should have been dealt with at least 3 years ago but I'm not going to get into that now.
The child is 5. The other "methods" she's tried, like therapy are going to take time. I don't know how putting him in daycare is going to help anything. And I'd like to know what was meant by "educational methods".
The kid needs to see some mental health doctors. Maybe he is the one who needs medication.
I'd also like to know if he was ever disciplined (and I'm not talking about beating him) when he was younger? Or corrected when misbehaving? Or praised when behaving? Did he have structure and a routine?

What the kid needs is a month of baby boot camp or something lol.
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6. AITJ For Expecting My Wife's Best Friend To Pay For The Garbage Disposal?

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“My (28M) wife’s (27F) best friend (28F) is staying with us from out of town for an extended weekend before she starts a new job. I’m always nice to my wife’s friend, but the truth is, she comes from a wealthy family and desperately lacks common sense.

I don’t know if it’s because of how she was raised, or something else, but it can be an issue sometimes.

For dinner tonight we ate a rack of ribs, baked potatoes, and some mac n cheese.

Kudos to my wife and her friend for cooking, because the meal was delicious! As I finished my meal before the 2 of them, I started to clean my dishes along with the dishes they made since they cooked.

As I’m gathering all of the items to bring to the sink, the best friend clears her half-eaten plate with 2 rib bones into our sink and down the drain. I didn’t even have a chance to say anything, and she says ‘Is your garbage disposal any good?’ Before I can reply with, ‘Yes, it’s great, but it isn’t a food processor…’ she turns it on and almost immediately it jams up due to the shredded bones.

I look at her and say ‘Have you ever had a garbage disposal that just grinds up bones?’ Maybe it was a bit rude, but I was visibly frustrated and don’t feel like my property was being respected at all.

I did everything I could to try and clear the jam, but there were multiple bone shards lodged and my blade was bent too.

I told her I’d order a new one, replace it myself, and if she could just give us $100 for causing it to break, we could call it even.

She then said ‘Why not call a plumber? I feel like it would be much cheaper than $100 to fix it.’ Seriously?! Most plumbers will charge $100 just to get you on the schedule to come out! I told her even if a plumber did come and clear the jam, the unit is still damaged and I would want it to be replaced.

With parts alone, it’s going to be $100 – $200 and that’s not even including the labor that I’m willing to do.

To my surprise, my wife actually took her friend’s side and said the unit was about 8 years old and probably would have gone bad soon anyways.

Without wanting to argue with them both, I just told my wife we would discuss it tonight and then all chat in the morning. My wife and I just can’t see eye to eye on this one so I told her I’m going to have you decide for us.

I know it was an older disposal, but it never had any issues until tonight! AITJ for expecting my wife’s best friend to pay $100 towards a new unit?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

She lacked common sense at a moment (at the end of the day we’re all human and I think we can admit that we are ALL guilty of this sometimes) and broke your garbage disposal, from your explanation it doesn’t sound like she was being intentionally malicious just not the sharpest tool in the shed for a moment.

I think most people would agree she should pay for it, or at least have the tact to offer to chip in on a new one.

However, this is your wife’s best friend and she broke a fairly inexpensive item in the long run.

Does she intentionally/unintentionally disrespect your property regularly or was this a one-off situation? Is this the hill that you want to die on which will undoubtedly cause tension with your spouse and a guest that is staying in your house? Is the $100 inconvenience worth the mental tax from the tension? That only you can decide OP.” Capri-Cosmic

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, but only mildly.

Your initial ‘bit rude’ comment can be forgiven as a moment of frustration, but after that, gracious hosts are supposed to compose themselves and put the guests at ease – not because the guests deserve it but because your spouse will appreciate it.

Since this is your wife’s friend, it would be better to have her be the one to privately bring up compensation. If your wife then asked you to be the demanding one, that would be the time to step in.

If your wife asked you to let it go for the sake of the friendship, maybe you could honor that request (if it isn’t a constant need).

I’d like to think that spouses try to make things go well for their counterparts, so I would hope your wife would appreciate your frustration and try to get compensation from a friend who can afford it, but if this friend is as clueless as you say, this might be a situation where the best your wife can do is try, fail, and then apologize to you for her friend’s failings.” memfree

Another User Comments:

“NTJ ultimately, but there is some wiggle room for possible misinterpretation.

Did you actually start to answer ‘yes’ to her garbage disposal question and she just didn’t wait for the rest of the sentence? Or she didn’t even wait for any response before she turned it on? I did not grow up in a wealthy family and so I still don’t know/like garbage disposals much, and the first time I saw one, I thought it was scary magic.

Even still, I think $100 for you to replace it yourself is very reasonable. If she/your wife thinks that it’ll be cheaper to call a plumber, then have them agree that if that is more expensive, she’ll pay for it. That way she gets to decide on her own.” feyinbetween

1 points - Liked by LilacDark
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Squidmom 1 year ago
NTJ. I hope she was made to pay.
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5. AITJ For Letting My Kids Hide From Their Cousins In My Offfice?

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“My wife and I have raised three so-so kids. Just kidding. They are actually pretty great. They are 12, 10, and 9.

My wife’s sister and her husband are going a different way with child-rearing. They have no rules or punishments for what I consider bad behavior.

They have three kids roughly the same ages as ours.

My kids love their cousins. But they also think that they are brats. My WFH office is in the basement and it’s also my gaming room. I keep my console collection in there.

We have a PS4 upstairs as well.

When they visit my kids have my permission to hide in my office. The door has a lock and it’s in the basement which also locks.

My wife thinks I’m teaching them to be antisocial.

Fine. I talked to my kids and said that the next time the cousins visited they couldn’t go to my office.

It was a disaster. I can’t describe everything that happened because of the rules. Suffice it to say that my wife told her sister that if she ever allowed her over again her kids had better behave or else.

Now my sister-in-law is calling me a jerk for turning her sister against her. I can’t win. If I let the kids hide I’m the jerk. If I let the kids go crazy with their cousins I’m the jerk.

If my wife finally sees that her niblings are out-of-control monsters and tells her sister to control them I’m the jerk.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

I think it’s great to teach your kids they can remove themselves from social situations they don’t want to be in.

It’s also great that you listened to your wife’s perspective and tried a different way to see if it would work better.

What’s not great is her sister blaming you for the fallout of her kids’ atrocious behavior.

Also not great is your wife’s refusal to accept her niblings’ inability to behave before the mysterious string of disasters. You did all you could, and now those with less careful actions are becoming well acquainted with their consequences.” sci_fi_bi

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

I think if you let them in the basement your wife isn’t going to be upset anymore. She just needed to see that you were regulating the situation in a healthy way.

I don’t understand how people assume that children aren’t like us adults.

Children can and should be able to self-regulate themselves in social situations. Not everyone is a ‘party’ animal so to speak and can handle hours upon hours of people, noises, and stimulation. Even adults need moments away even just to check their phones.

Animals do it. Dogs will leave play groups when overstimulated, birds will return to their nest, and cats will nap. Humans can do it too.

Perhaps you should have a talk with your wife about this and bring it up.

Actually use the word overstimulation and try to think about any time you/she have been in an overly loud engaging environment and needed a quick break. This situation may just require both of you to be informed when the kids take a basement break so she understands they just need a moment to themselves.

I’m sure there were times when mom wanted mom time from screaming kids, or dad needed dad time. Kids deserve their time too.

It’s not ‘hiding’ it’s self-care.” Winter-Cost-7991

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, obviously, but don’t expect either your wife or SIL to see that.

Then they’d have to blame themselves. Which I doubt will happen. Good on you for being a good parent to allow space for cooling down.

If you wanna blow things up though you could tell SIL that you were just doing what your wife thought was good.

Since both of you are the parents. Plus ‘Happy wife, Happy life.’ May as well get some use out of the nonsense saying. But that means your wife and SIL will clash more and nine times out of ten it will just be blamed on you. So not suggested but is an option for some fireworks.” Old-Strategy-672

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Ninastid 1 year ago
Ntj don't let those brats in your house again unless they seriously behave themselves
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4. AITJ For Telling My Significant Other's Friend To Get Lost?

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“Yesterday was my SO’s only day off. He works two jobs to pay off his student loans. We used to have issues about keeping the house tidy, but now I’m not so uptight about it since his mess has never been an issue when I have people over.

We both pay 50/50 for rent. Chore-wise, it’s supposed to be 50/50, but he’s been falling behind. I don’t pick up his slack, and he usually does it before it gets too bad. I’ve suggested us hiring a cleaner in the past, but he doesn’t want to spend the money.

I didn’t argue since it doesn’t affect me much.

So yesterday, his 3 friends came over to hang out. The house is, of course, a mess. My SO wakes up when they come over. I retreat to my office.

After 10 minutes, one of his friends knocks on my door and explains that she is trying to cook but there’s no space in the sink and the entire dishwasher is full. I tell her okay well why don’t you guys order something or wait till Danny (my SO) finishes showering so he can wash them.

That it’s not my mess pile and basically Danny left it in there all week because he was coming home at 10 pm. She’s like, ‘Why can’t you just do them?’ I was getting annoyed at this point and I sure won’t be told what to do in my house so I told her back, ‘Why can’t you?’

She said it wasn’t her house or her mess.

I didn’t raise my voice. I just told her, ‘Can you get out so I can finish playing Mobile Legends?’

I locked my door and finished playing on my phone. After my game was over, I phoned my SO (he was still in the shower) and let him know what happened.

He said he was too tired to deal with this nonsense (the drama) right now but he’s going to wash the dishes and cook when he gets out.

He came downstairs after the shower, and I went out with him (to get water and snacks), and it turns out she left.

My SO apologized to everyone for the mess and that he just had a busy week. His friends told him it wasn’t cool of me to tell her to get lost. I doubled down and said to everyone that she was not welcome over again until she learns respect.

At the end of the day, my SO is too tired to ‘deal with this nonsense’ as he’s repeated for the 50th time. LOL. He texted the group that Sunday get-togethers aren’t going to happen in our house anymore (his call, not mine).

His friends were not happy that they can’t watch on our big screen TV anymore. They hate me. AITJ for how all this went down?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s time for your SO to grow up a bit with his home life.

He needs to learn to properly keep up with cleaning his messes, and hold himself accountable for the situation he’s created with his friends, rather than letting them blame you.

As for the one friend, she was absolutely out of line with how she approached you.

His friends sound entitled to how they think of and treat your home. It’s clear his group expects you to be maintaining the house, it’s his responsibility to make it clear to them that you are not his nor their housekeeper.

You may need to sit down with him to discuss boundaries and expectations in these areas. Preferably before the resentment continues building further, on all sides.” SummerOracle

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. This is a big mess.

Honestly, you don’t even sound like you like your SO. His friend was a bit entitled asking you to clean so she could use someone else’s kitchen. Your SO sucks for not holding up his end of the bargain.

Dividing chores is great, and is what should happen when you live together. You say his mess is not your problem, but ultimately, if it’s in a shared space (as opposed to his office or something), then it is your problem because you live there too.

All of you sound quite immature honestly.” Top_Beach_6148

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and that was a ridiculous situation lol, it’s weird for her to be expecting she can cook in your kitchen (unless it’s something she does regularly, but it’s still not her right to ask you to tidy it up for her) but to act this entitled to your space is wild.

I wouldn’t really blame you for disliking his friends if this is how they act.

Glad you’ve worked out a solution, but the way your SO reacted was kinda sucky. He can’t just refuse to respond to disagreements all the time and describe them as ‘drama’ as a grown adult.

She was being disrespectful and he at least needed to hear out your feelings and apologize for how his guest treated you in your own home. People who consistently flee from conflict they (at least partially) created aren’t always the most dependable when actual issues arise, you know?” loosie-loo

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Kilzer53 1 year ago
Ntj. This is ur home, not hers. If she doesn't like the mess, and she wants to use ur kitchen, let her help clean. The conversation dragged on longer than it should and she got her feelings hurt. Poor baby. If ur friends just come over to see the big screen, then they should deal with however it is. But - if u have helped clean and ur partner hasn't, then yeah, that's on him. Some people are more neat freaks than others - maturity level has nothing to do with it. It has to do with personality.
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3. AITJ For Wanting To Take A Week Off?

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“I (26F) am still living with my parents, my house is being built with the help of my parents. They are helping me financially 50/50. They own a restaurant that I have been helping out every day (yes also every weekend) ever since I was 13.

I’ve also been working a full-time job for 5 years as well now, which is an hour away drive from the restaurant.

Since I rarely take a day off and every holiday I have I basically help my parents even more out, I decided to ask if I could get a week off around Easter to see my SO (I am in an LDR, have been together for 7 months now and they are aware of it, he has also visited them during Christmas and helped a bit out as well).

My parents and especially my mom got furious about the question and told me: ‘That is the most stupid question you can ask, you know we don’t have enough personnel and you dare to even ask?!’ This basically continued the rant that I am an ‘ungrateful, selfish, and egoistic child’ who doesn’t even care about their parents.

Like I get it is harsh times, but I’ve been hearing this ‘we lack personnel’ for over 8 years now and every time no one comes in they just tell me ‘ye you are cheaper and family so the least you can do is help us out’ or they tell the person who wants to work ‘we have enough personnel’.

I’m just really mentally and physically drained as I work more than 10h a day +2h travel time and need some time off but they tell me ‘Well back in my days I had it way harder than you!’ so I just start to wonder if I really am just asking too much.

And if I really am that selfish child.

So… Am I the jerk for asking for a week off?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

So, basically, you’ve been working a full-time job and ‘helping your parents out’ with their restaurant. You haven’t had a single day off in eight years.

Honestly, if your parents can only keep the restaurant in business by ruthlessly exploiting slave labor (i.e. you), the restaurant should go under. The restaurant business, as you know firsthand, is brutal. That doesn’t mean you should have your entire life ground under its gears.

You absolutely deserve some time off. More than a week in eight years.” bmyst70

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – you’ll find that you aren’t making minimum wage. If you’re working 70+ hours a week. If you got two jobs you could probably make much more than you are currently.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s good to obey your parents but at the expense of your relationships, career, and future?

Your parents own a business and it’s down to them to make it work out. If that business fails and you are outside and earning your own money you can help them out.

If the business fails and you are all in it together then you all get thrown onto the streets together.

It may feel terrible but making your own way will not only make everything stronger but improve your life.” Snoo-74562

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Everybody has the right to have a holiday.

It’s common in a lot of countries to have those. It’s also for taking care of your mental health.

‘ye you are cheaper and family so the least you can do is help us out’ – What?!

‘well back in my days, I had it way harder than you! – Even if this is true, that’s no reason.

People need holidays. We know better these days.

And how are you supposed to maintain your relationship if you don’t visit your SO? It can’t be all one-sided. Maybe that is the issue that your parents are afraid to lose cheap labor. I know that is a wild guess but it might be something to consider.” JudgeDrake

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Ninastid 1 year ago
Ntj tell them if they won't give you a week off you're taking a week off and you're not asking
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2. AITJ For Not Eating My Mother-In-Law's Food?

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“I (25F) have a good relationship with my in-laws and enjoy spending time with them. MIL (50F) is a good person but can be sensitive at times. She also loves cooking/baking and feeding people.

Every time we go to the house, she offers us homemade sweets and cooks a meal for us.

I really appreciate the gesture, especially since her food tastes great.

My husband (25M) and his family are close, and most Sundays my in-laws host dinner at their place. Last year I ended up missing one of the dinners because my sister needed me.

MIL got really upset and was convinced I didn’t go because I was mad at her. It took a while for me to convince her otherwise. Because of that, I try to avoid skipping dinners.

This morning I was constipated and generally felt horrible.

I considered not going but knew it would create problems if I stayed home. I didn’t have much of an appetite and the thought of eating made me a bit nauseous, but I figured no one would have a problem with me not eating and just hanging out.

So we went to their house and when it came time to eat I told MIL I wasn’t very hungry. She kept insisting that I take a plate and told me she put a lot of time into making this meal.

I kept politely saying no but she insisted.

I took a plate and tried to eat. I took like 3 bites but my stomach was not having it. I stopped eating and MIL noticed. She asked me why I wasn’t eating and kept pressing the issue when I told her I wasn’t hungry.

I didn’t want to bring up my constipation while everyone was eating so I just said I had a big lunch. She got very offended at this and asked me why I would eat a big lunch if I knew I was coming for dinner.

She also said it was rude to refuse a meal someone is offering you.

My husband told her to drop it and it got kind of awkward. MIL brought it up again like 5 minutes later by saying something like I must hate her cooking and she wished I would just tell her the truth.

I got annoyed at this and basically reached my limit. I stood up and yelled, ‘The truth is I haven’t crapped in 3 days and have no appetite whatsoever.’ I also told her to stop taking things that have nothing to do with her so personally.

We left after this and a little bit later I texted her apologizing for yelling. She didn’t respond and now I’m afraid she’s upset with me. My husband is on my side but explained that his mother feeds people as a sign of affection.

She is also a very emotional and insecure person, and she probably saw it as being very disrespectful of me to turn down the food. Thinking I should have sucked it up and eaten the meal.

Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

I understand that she is a sweet and sensitive person but sounds like she is overly sensitive. But that is her problem. So are her insecurities.

Nobody should be forced to walk on eggshells around someone just because the other person is ‘sensitive’.

When you feel the need to walk on eggshells, the relationship can never get real.

Again, I understand that MIL is a nice lady who shows her affection through food. A lot of mothers do that. But she should also be able to take it when someone says ‘No’.

No means no. Not being about to do so is her problem. Not yours. She must work on that.” HannahPoppyMommy

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but could’ve gone about it differently. Totally get where you’re coming from but I would’ve rather told the mother in private than everyone in the room if it were me.

People see food as a sign of affection even if it is completely overbearing and not welcomed sometimes. It also sounds like a boundary issue from MIL. You saying no should mean no and it sounds like everyone just eats to keep the peace, coming from a family who also does this.

Next time just let her know you have a stomach bug but ask for a to-go container because the food is always appreciated!” annonymouss12

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

She’s got some mental health issues and she’s gotten away with this for years.

It’s quite normal for her family but it’s far from normal.

Her reactions are way overboard. To jump straight to you hating her because you had to help your sister suggests a very disorganized mind.

It’s very manipulative.

She’s making you feel guilty when you aren’t there or you aren’t eating and then when you snap she’s suddenly the victim. I wouldn’t want to be going to any more meals till she gets some help… but she won’t because she has no insight and she’d rather be the victim.” KitchenDismal9258

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IDontKnow 1 year ago
NTJ. She's not sensitive and insecure. She's egocentric and thinks the world revolves around her. Tell her to stop making everything about her!! (and then you'll eat lol)
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1. AITJ For Refusing To Let Our Friends Rejoin Our Wedding Party?

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“We have these friends that are cousins (Ben & Jerry), my fiance and I had both cousins and their wives in our wedding party as we were all super close, but one of the cousins (Ben) has a temper worse than a toddler, to which I have been on the receiving end of a few times, for very minuscule reasons.

I’ve told my fiance that I’ll no longer tolerate it, but I understand that he still wants him in his wedding party. My fiance has told him that he needs to get over himself and one more blow-up about anything super minor (as the rest have been) and he won’t be in the wedding party, but just a spectator.

About 6 months ago, we were celebrating a job promotion for my fiance at our place and all 6 of us, plus others were having a great time. A different friend of ours was not in a good mood and was short with Ben, to which Ben decided that he needed to voice his opinion (Very loudly) about how much of a witch the other friend was and needed to just go home if she wanted to be like that.

I didn’t know about all of this until closer to the end of the party, as my fiance and I were outside BBQ’ing dinner.

The next day, our friend called us and told us what happened. My fiance said he would ask about it, and I decided to stay out of it since we don’t need everyone involved.

Later that day, Ben came over and started ripping into me, for my fiance calling and asking what happened, to which I asked him to leave if he wanted to start getting rude with me at my house and say I didn’t see or hear anything so I’m not sure what happened anyways.

He continued screaming and stepping towards me until I said I’ll have him removed if he continues. My fiance told him that he was out of the wedding party considering his latest actions, which led Jerry and the wives to also drop out and refuse to come to the wedding entirely.

Over the course of the last 6 months, they’ve been trying to extend an olive branch and mend fences, but I’ve told my fiance that I don’t feel comfortable adding any of them back, due to pulling out in the first place due to an argument where only one was actually taken out.

Other friends are saying that this could ruin the friendship forever, but I feel that it’s already over considering the other 3 left due to ‘loyalty’…

AITJ or should I stick to my feeling?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Ben was warned and ignored it, and Jerry dropped out.

You have no obligation to reinstate them. Considering Ben’s behavior it sounds like he’ll keep acting like a raging toddler and make you regret allowing him back into the wedding party anyway. As Dr. Maya Angelou said, ‘When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time.’

If they’re truly sorry they’ll make a sincere apology with no strings attached.

But if Ben continues his bad behavior and Jerry and fam keep siding with him, I see some low contact or no contact in your future.” cbm984

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Ben came back to your house and got hostile with you for something that you had no part in.

To the point that you had to threaten him with the police? Forget the wedding party, they shouldn’t even be at the wedding. That is someone who is too dangerous and unstable to be at an event that is supposed to be a happy event.

Beyond that, his cousin and their wives decided to uninvite themselves as well. That’s even more drama avoided.

If it makes things any easier, just tell them that once they uninvited themselves, you gave their seats to someone else.

Then take the money you saved by canceling the four dinners, and use it for an extra day on your honeymoon.” dvillin

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your friend Ben is definitely a jerk. He can’t be trusted not to erupt in anger over inconsequential situations, so he would be nothing but a problem going forward if he was in your wedding party.

Obviously, his behavior won’t change and the other cousin-friends enable him. Why would you want any of them in your wedding or as friends, given their actions? Believe people when they show you who they are.” Specialist-Raise-949

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Squidmom 1 year ago
Nope. They'd ruin the wedding. Can you imagine the tantrum if his food was cold or drink not strong enough?
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