People Hope That They're Not To Blame In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Not Allowing My Kids To See Their Grandma?
“My mom (54f) has never gotten along with any of my (28f) or my brother’s (27m) SOs or most friends to be honest. I got married 2.5 years ago to a wonderful man who came into our lives while I was already 16 weeks pregnant with my second child (long story lol).
Anyway, he took on the papa (the kids call their own dad, dad) role immediately. He loves them like his own (11m) and takes care of all of us.
A few months ago, my mom and I got into a fight while we were over for dinner (not unusual).
My husband overheard my mom insulting me and told the boys to leave and go to the van for us to leave. As they were headed to go say bye to my mom she made a rather derogatory comment about my husband in front of the kids.
He got mad and they left without saying bye. She has called him a psycho and a bunch of other nasty things since then. I tried to maintain the peace but she explicitly said that he is not allowed on her property until he apologized to her.
I wasn’t going to let that happen because he did nothing wrong in my opinion.
Flash forward to Thanksgiving – she called to invite us for dinner – I reminded her of her statement and she again said all he needed to do was apologize.
I told her it wasn’t going to happen and then she got mad at me this time. I haven’t spoken to her since telling her that if she wants to maintain a relationship with me or the kids she would need to apologize to me AND my husband.
At Christmas, she again reached out to invite us for dinner. I reminded her of the condition and invited her to my son’s bday party if she did. She sent another nasty text again insulting my husband, calling him psycho and having multiple personalities, anger problems, and such.
I ignored it and moved on.
Flash forward to this morning. She sent me a text saying that she was going to take me to court to have access to the kids. The text itself was incredibly long and very dismissive of everything that was spoken about before – she refuses to acknowledge that she’s done anything wrong.
She stated quite clearly and verbatim ‘I’d rather see you go bankrupt so that I can see my grandkids’.
She has always been a very mean person, I grew up with it so I got used to it.
Very manipulative and ‘conditional’ in her wanting anything. Giving me funds to use against me later if anything she does I call her on for being rude or mean. I’m keeping the kids from her because I’m afraid that she will bad mouth my husband to them.
After all, she did it throughout my childhood to my bio dad and then my stepdad when she left him and the comment she made during the initial fight. Given the current situation, I’m second-guessing myself if I’m in the right to keep the kids from her.
So I’m turning to you guys. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother is not entitled access to your kids. Keep all those abusive texts as you can use them in court to establish her abuse toward you and your husband and look into local laws.
Not too many states have grandparent rights laws, but some do. However, if you can prove mental and emotional abuse on her end you can get those rights revoked.
You can prove you’re not keeping your kids from her.
She’s doing it to herself while blaming you for it. If I were you I’d move out of state and cut all access to your kids and block the toxic woman from my life.” depressivedarling
20. AITJ For Not Helping My Son Land Another Job?
“I (50M) work in a large lobby firm that has offices all around the United States. My son (23M) graduated from college and wanted to stay in Virginia. My ex is in his life, but will only talk to him when he reaches out.
He has always talked about wanting to do similar work that I do. I did some phone calls and my son got an interview with one of the firms in Virginia. He did get the job and was very excited to start.
He started in July and talked highly about the job and everyone he works with. I assumed things were going well as I didn’t hear otherwise until we all got together for Christmas. My sister asked how his job was going and he responded saying, ‘I quit.’ I was shocked and asked what happened.
He looks at me and says, ‘They gave me some feedback that I needed to improve on some areas and it annoyed me. I quit and left during lunch.’
My son turns to me and says ‘Oh dad, I was hoping you could ask a few of your friends if they have any openings.
That would be great.’ I tell him ‘sorry son, I can’t help you’. My son looks visibly upset and says ‘Come on dad, I am unemployed right now and I know you can help me get a job’.
I told him that I would be happy to help him look for new jobs.
He went back to Virginia and has been very distant with communication. My ex found out what happened with the job and was very disappointed that I was not going to help my son.
AITJ for not helping my son get another job?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Explain to your son that his poor performance at his last job is a direct reflection upon you. You devoted your entire career building up your network and cannot afford to burn any more bridges by providing him with your valuable contacts.
He seems insistent on destroying what you built. No thanks.” Sorryallthetime
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Make it very clear that you would love to help but the nature of a good workplace is that staff get feedback.
This is going to happen to your son at his next job. You cannot in good conscience put your contacts in a situation where your son may not even finish the work day if he receives feedback on areas he needs to improve on.
Maybe tell your son that if he proves that he’s learned his lesson by getting himself a job and staying there for a year, then maybe you will consider helping him get a step up (if you can), as long as he commits to never acting the fool in the workplace ever again.” nikokazini
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your son has a lot to learn. I don’t think he valued having his previous job because it was too easy for him to get it with your help. The company providing him with areas to improve is pretty standard in any job I have ever had.
This occurs during regular reviews.
I don’t doubt that he quit with the idea that you would find him another job. I think refusing to provide new contacts was a very wise thing to do.
I think applying and being turned down will be character-building for him. And he needs to learn that walking out of a job with no decent notice just shoots himself in the foot. The previous position will not give him a good reference and that is on him.” 77Megg77
19. AITJ For Not Helping My Mom Clean The House?
“I (18) am a first-year med student and I have my final exams in less than 10 days. My mom usually cleans the house with my help and dad’s every weekend of every week.
However, I couldn’t help last week because I have been studying in my room the whole time. She didn’t even come up to ask for my help like she usually would do if I was in my room, and I didn’t even notice that it was cleaning day until I walked into the very messy kitchen (after a big dinner, it was the only messy part in the house) that I offered to clean myself.
This week I had food poisoning with rather painful complications that lasted until yesterday. I couldn’t get up from my bed for 4 days and I still had so much to do but yesterday I finally did and studied pretty productively.
Today I woke up early to study, and I’ve been in my room until my dad called me to get lunch. On my way to the kitchen, I met my mom who was cleaning and I told her to take a rest and eat.
She ignored me but I thought it was fine because she usually doesn’t respond when I tell her to go eat or stuff like that.
We waited for so long but she still didn’t come and she went upstairs, I knew something was wrong so I followed her and asked if she was mad at me.
She told me ‘shut up and leave me alone.’ I asked if she needed help and she said ‘no, go and continue your dear studies’ in a sarcastic manner. I kept insisting but she was getting angrier so I went back to my room and here I am.
I think I am the jerk here because I couldn’t clear some of my time to help mom clean.
However, I may not be the jerk because I’ve been sick and stuck in bed unable to move a limb for 4 days while I was witnessing my classmates studying for our exams and being productive while I couldn’t even sit without feeling extremely sick.
And I may not be the jerk because my dad is there to help, he should be doing the work that I usually do, and I don’t think he is. My exams are near and I really really don’t want to fail.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Supporting you for a couple of weeks to make sure you pass your exams is something your Mum should want to do – and your Dad. Talk to him about the situation and reinforce how much you appreciate both of them covering your chores to help you out whilst you’re not only studying but were sick.
Reassure them that normal service will resume the second exams are over. If you can find a way to gently make sure Dad is helping your Mum, even better, otherwise he might tell you it’s fine whilst putting it all on your Mum.” Useful_Experience423
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you were sick and you have to study.
You clean every week, you’re not a slob. Talk to your mom and see if she really understands how hard and demanding medical school is because you’re gonna be studying a lot more. Just get her a little something she likes and tell her you’ll help her more next week.
But she should be proud you’re making your studying a priority.” ThatBFjax
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like you weren’t just shirking your duty – you were busy with time-sensitive studying and then ill.
Your mum is an adult and capable of opening a discourse with you about things that bother her, but instead chose to bottle it all up and then explode petulantly at you, like a child.” Cha_r_ley
You'll have your independence and meals can be part of that cost.
If your parents can't afford to, or won't, pay for dorms and a meal plan fill out paperwork for every scholarship you can find to get money for it.
18. AITJ For Standing Up To My Transphobic Stepdad?
“I am a 19-year-old girl and my mum has been with my stepdad ever since I was 3 years old. I and my stepdad have always had a strained relationship, this is because he has a very strong personality whereas I have always been quite sensitive.
My mum also says it’s because he wasn’t used to having a little girl to look after. So he never really understood the hardships I was going through. I used to get bullied and I would come home and cry, he would just laugh at me and tell me I was being silly but it was a big deal to me.
Anyway, I have a transgender friend called Rose, she is a great friend and I cherish her very much, even before her transition we had always been close. I invited her for a sleepover at my house and my mum was thrilled to have her, when she arrived my step-dad pulled me aside and said it was inappropriate to invite ‘someone like that for a sleepover’.
I asked him what he meant by his statement, and he said it wasn’t ‘normal’ and people like Rose should be separated from society as they have been brainwashed at a young age. Rose overheard his comments and left very angrily.
Of course, I do not blame her.
This is where I might be the jerk, something inside me clicked and I got really angry, I shouted that he was a small-minded stupid jerk and how could he be okay with saying those things when my friend was in the other room.
My mother instantly started screaming at me saying I can’t disrespect my stepfather or his opinions. I started crying as I was shocked my mum didn’t stick up for me.
My stepfather rolled his eyes and said god what a crybaby.
I royally lost it and told my mum that I refuse to stay in the house with either of them and that it really hurt that she wouldn’t defend me or at least be neutral about the situation.
Now I’m staying at Rose’s, apologizing for everything that happened. My stepdad texted me and said I was overreacting and calling him out like that was embarrassing and that I should respect elders etc.
I told him to get lost and then blocked him.
Perhaps I went too far?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – and mom says he ‘isn’t used to having a little girl to look after’… but you were 3 when they got together? So he’s had 16 years to get used to it.
Your mom should not have allowed him to just not get used to it. Just to drive the point home, both parental units are jerks here, your stepfather obviously the bigger one at the moment, but BOTH of them are huge jerks.
Good for you for going to Rose’s and healing your relationship with her too by the way!” Old_NotTHATOld
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Good for you for standing up to a transphobe! Your mother not only didn’t defend you, but she also stood up for transphobia.
By the way: respect for elders does not mean tolerating bigotry. Your stepfather is nothing but a bigot and a bully who is hiding behind ‘respect for elders’ to defend his shallow-minded views and the fact that he just enjoys hurting people weaker than himself.
I commend you for the kind, generous, courageous person you have grown into!” bamf1701
17. AITJ For Buying A Car?
“My friend (22F) and I (21F) have talked about buying a small place together for about a year now. There were a couple of concerns such as, what are we going to do about the mortgage and down payment, what was going to happen when either of us get married, etc.
Also, not to mention, we’re still full-time students with only part-time jobs.
Hypothetically, if we were to get a place together, the majority of the down payment would be from my savings. Currently, I have two part-time jobs that pay very well and since I am still living at home, most of my paycheck goes into my savings.
The same goes for my friend except she is working a minimum wage job that she doesn’t put as many hours in. Another thing is that after losing her scholarship, she has been paying for her tuition and with her small paychecks, nothing is really getting saved.
However, this isn’t really much of a problem for her since she comes from an upper-middle-class family and is only paying her tuition herself because she doesn’t want to tell her parents that she lost her scholarship.
I’ve offered her job opportunities at my two better-paying jobs but she really likes her job so that’s fine.
Personally, I don’t see us getting a place for a while with our financial situation and I’m also planning on going to veterinary school so my savings are for my future tuition.
However, I got in a really bad car accident and had to buy a new car for myself since my parents don’t have the financial means to buy me another car. With today’s situation, the prices of new and used cars were only slightly different and I chose to get a newer car.
However, since then, my friend has been making comments such as ‘how could you get a new car? How are we going to get our own place if you keep spending your money like this?’ She’s even gone behind my back to talk to other friends about how I am careless with my finances.
Our friends are split 50/50 with one side agreeing that it’s my hard-earned funds and I should be able to spend it how I want and the other side saying that if I was planning on getting a place with my friend, I should’ve consulted her and tried to get a cheaper car.
What do y’all think? Should I have consulted her before buying my car?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Do not buy a house with this person. This girl was banking on you putting the down payment on the house and her living there while paying the minimum amount.
Now that you had an unexpected financial emergency that can’t happen and she’s bent about it.
But it’s really fishy that she is saying that her parents don’t know she is paying her own tuition.
I currently have 2 kids in school and I can tell you that colleges send bills to the people who pay them. There is also no way she could be paying tuition on a part-time, minimum-wage job.
Even a reasonable state school would have tuition at about 10-15K per semester.” BrownShoeJenny
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your financial business is your own. And this is a HUGE red flag right here with her trash-talking you for replacing your car with your own funds.
Her behavior toward you is very toxic and controlling and tells me it’s a bad idea to purchase a house together. It will only get worse once she has you trapped paying for a home w her name on it too.
My advice to you Is DO NOT BUY A WHOLE HOUSE WITH THIS WOMAN. Buy yourself a home that you can comfortably afford to live in by yourself and ONLY put it into your name.
A house is a 30-year commitment. You don’t want to live with her that long do you?
Do not let her move in or live with you. And don’t put her name on the paperwork.
She basically just wants a free house from you and getting her out of it if you two tank is going to be miserable. You don’t want to have to buy your home twice over or be forced to sell and split the funds with her when you’re the only one who put down a down payment and paid the mortgage and taxes.
You’re better off buying one on your own and having clean established ownership of the home yourself. You will financially screw yourself over if you put her on the paperwork or buy a home with someone you’re not married to.
Save yourself a lot of hassle, legal fees, and headaches, and just tell her that you have decided it best to not own a home together.
Don’t let her in. If this is how she behaved about your car, it’s only going to get worse when you move in together. She doesn’t get to control how you spend your money, and that’s what she will attempt to do if you try buying a home with her.” depressivedarling
16. AITJ For Not Letting My Friend Temporarily Stay At My House?
“My friend (25F) decided to move to a new place a few months ago, but things didn’t go according to plan because the new apartment is not ready to move in yet, and she has three days to leave her current apartment.
So she asked me if she could stay at my (24F) place for this month until her apartment is ready, but to be honest, I don’t want her here because she will bring me problems.
Don’t get me wrong I love her, but she’s the messiest person I’ve ever met, and my husband (31M) doesn’t like her because every time she comes to visit she makes a horrible mess and doesn’t even offer to help clean up the mess she made.
So I know that he won’t want her to stay with us for a whole month, and there is also the problem that our house is not big enough for her to stay here.
We only have four bedrooms and they are all used, two are our two kids’, one is mine and my husband’s, and the other is used as an office, so we really have no place for her to stay.
And I told her that, but she only said that she would be fine in my eldest daughter’s bedroom (6F) but I don’t know if my daughter would like to spend a month with an adult in her room, she loves her space, also she sleeps with her dog and my friend doesn’t like animals, so there’s no way she can stay here.
And when I told her that she probably can’t stay here she was offended because she thinks I’m being a terrible friend, that friends should support you all the time and that I’m not doing that.
So I talked to my husband about this and told him that another option would be to move the baby into our room for a month so that my friend can stay in that room and he said that there is no way we would do that because our baby could get used to that and then we couldn’t get her to sleep in her room.
So I told my friend that she can’t stay with us, and now she ignores me when I text her, am I the jerk for not letting her stay here with us?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your friend’s housing is her own responsibility.
She can get a long-term Airbnb, if necessary. But if she has a signed contract that was supposed to start now, she needs to deal with her landlord to solve this issue.
Frankly, it’s a bit suspicious that your friend supposedly planned to move straight from one place to another but now the new place isn’t available for an entire month? The new place needing a week due to a late move-out or needing to be cleaned might be reasonable.
A month is pretty long though.
And the fact that your friend is telling you which room in your house she’s going to stay in is entitled.
The whole thing sounds suspiciously like those stories where the friend moves in, has a series of stories about why the new place isn’t available yet, mooches off you for several months (not paying for housing, goods, utilities), and eventually had to be thrown out.
Your friendship is more likely to last if you never let her stay at all.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even the best of friendships have to have boundaries in order to work, and not wanting someone (especially someone who you KNOW will cause stress in the household) to move in with you for an entire month is a perfectly reasonable boundary.
Yes, with a house that size you could make room for her IF YOU WANTED TO. But that’s not the point. The point is that you have seen how she behaved previously, leaving messes and not being helpful as a guest even for a short time, and you’re not a jerk for deciding that it is not worth disrupting your entire household over. It doesn’t mean that you don’t care about her or that you’re a bad friend. It just means that she is asking more of you than feels reasonable.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
15. AITJ For Not Wanting My Cousin With Kids To Join Our Family Vacation?
“Background: I, 28F, have been going to school full time and working full time, and teaching fitness classes as a side gig for the past four years. The two years before that, I was juggling 2-3 jobs at a time to save up for school.
I can count on one hand the number of small ‘breaks’ I’ve had in the last six years. I am very tired but graduate in a few short weeks.
The situation: Since my schedule is freeing up, my parents, and two older sisters decided we wanted to go on a week’s vacation early next year.
We have been planning and discussing and so far it’s just been the five of us.
My mom called me this past weekend and said that my oldest sister wanted to invite my cousin on vacation with us and asked what I thought.
I immediately said I would not be coming if she was too.
My cousin has a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old and she would absolutely be bringing them if she came. I cannot imagine anything less relaxing than being on vacation with two toddlers, and as I said, I haven’t been on vacation in six years.
My mom said she agreed with me but was pretty neutral on the whole situation, but she would tell my sister that my cousin couldn’t come.
Flash forward to last night and my oldest sister called and told me I was a complete jerk for not letting my cousin come on vacation with us.
She was raging. We got in a fight about it and haven’t talked since. The rest of my family is staying out of it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s a vacation, not their family holiday. If she brings her kids there is no guarantee she won’t try and guilt you to watch them so she can have a break and ‘enjoy her vacation too.’ A vacation with kids is not exactly relaxing, I don’t blame you for not wanting them there.
Guard your peace.” givemethc27
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not your cousin’s vacation, it’s your family’s. That means you and your family get to decide who comes and who doesn’t. If you are uncomfortable with having kids there, that’s that.
And furthermore, your cousin and sister should be understanding that you don’t want kids there; whenever kids go on a trip, they often end up being everyone’s responsibility, not just the parents’. It’s only a vacation for them.” danimal-crossing
Another User Comments:
“After I got divorced some friends were going on vacation.
Another family wanted in, no problem. Then another family said that sounds like fun. And so on and so forth. I got in on that as well because it was a great way to be able to take my kids (8 and 11 at the time) on a vacation where we ALL could enjoy it.
The thing is 8 families, 28 people, all close friends, were up for it. Everyone had kids. If this was an adult trip and no one else was bringing kids it would never have crossed my mind to include myself knowing I’m imposing and changing the dynamic of the trip for everyone.
An adult vacation is a completely different experience than one with kids. NTJ at all.” Flashy_Ferret_1819
14. AITJ For Laughing When My Nephew Hurt Himself?
“So I (27M) was working on some paperwork and my nephew (5M) and my brother (31M) came to visit. I stepped outside my room to see my nephew getting ready to slide down the staircase with an inflatable beach ball that he was basically planning to slide on with his belly.
I look at him and go ‘I wouldn’t do that, you’re going to hurt yourself,’ and he screamed ‘No!’ So I try to stop him but I was too late.
He proceeds to do the opposite of what I said.
And he rolls down the steps like a boulder and basically runs into the wall at the bottom of the stairs
Now, I KNOW it’s bad he got hurt. But the way he just hit the wall was so funny and had almost a ‘Splat’ like sound effect that I couldn’t help but let out a laugh.
Well, my sister-in-law came running after she heard the splat. And my Nephew didn’t break anything, he just basically bumped his head and starts crying.
Then I proceed to get yelled at because I didn’t stop him from doing it.
And I’m sitting there like ‘Hey I told him not to, and he told me No, but look on the bright side, I don’t think he’ll do that again.’
I mean, if he was seriously injured then yeah it would suck, but it honestly looked like something out of a cartoon.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
5-year-olds are fast when they want to be and you can’t always stop young kids from doing something stupid or reaching them in time. The number of times I have told my little one to stop doing something and they fall off just as I’m reaching for them (normally because they are running away) is ridiculous.
They don’t normally get badly hurt but if they are determined then sometimes you cannot stop them and even if they do they try it again as soon as you’re occupied with something else like making their lunch.
You were trying to stop them, they went for it anyway, it’s part of how children develop common sense.” HexStarlight
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You warned him, but he didn’t listen. Hopefully, this was a lesson since evidently his own parents can’t be bothered to teach him a lesson in both physics and obedience (a 5yo should not even have the guts to yell ‘no’ at an adult and expect to get away with it.) As for the parents, they have no business complaining.
They should have been watching their own kid.
Be careful though. Despite this being 100% the parents’ fault, you could get sued if a kid got severely hurt at your house. The safest thing to do is ban the kid as long as he isn’t being raised right, and ban the parents who refuse to take responsibility for him.
They’re not worth the bother of dealing with anyway, and they’re certainly not worth the liability.” Maskydoo
Another User Comments:
“Yeah NTJ. I’ve laughed at my own kid when she gets hurt doing stuff I had told her not to do immediately prior.
Kids tend to learn the hard way that actions have consequences and sometimes those consequences are a head hitting a wall.
I get why your SIL was upset: it’s hard to see your kid hurting and terrifying when you know how much worse it could have been (and stairs can be awful), but being mad at you is misdirected.
Unless you’d specifically agreed to watch and care for the nephew, you’re not responsible for keeping him from doing stupid things. And frankly, unless you were within six inches of him you probably didn’t have time to stop him anyway.
Five-year-olds are deceptively speedy, especially when they want to do something they’ve been told not to.
Your SIL might be mad for a while, moms sometimes get tunnel vision when it comes to our kids, but your nephew is probably gonna do greater and more stupid things and this will soon be nothing more than a funny story.” pumalegal
13. AITJ For Befriending Someone My Friend Didn't Like?
“Mary (F, used to-be-friend) and I were longtime friends. Like, since 3rd grade. However, I moved away and we only spoke on Discord. She introduced me to a server with some people, and it was very nice.
I and Alex (M, still my friend to this day) didn’t really talk all that much yet, but that doesn’t matter.
Come a year later, Alex’s friend joins out of the blue, calls everybody a slur and some derogatory terms, then leaves.
Mary took this very seriously. She banned Alex because he was associated with somebody like that, and I private messaged him about it, asking what happened. We soon became best friends, and Mary obviously found out.
She then proceeded to ban ME because I’m friends with somebody whose friend literally sucks. I don’t even know his friend on a personal level either.
I yelled at her about it, asking what was wrong with her for throwing years away just because I was friends with a guy she didn’t like.
She said something along the lines of, ‘I believe that people are the same as who they choose to surround themselves with. You can either be friends with me and ghost him, or you can stick with him and I’ll leave.’ Either way, I chose to stick with Alex because he didn’t put me into cliché situations like these.
In all seriousness, why can’t I be friends with both? They both meant a lot to me.
We got into a very heated argument, which resulted in Mary getting all her friends in that discord server against me and Alex.
They all yelled at us, saying how we were terrible people and they couldn’t believe they were friends with us. Talking trash about us on the server and we weren’t even there. We haven’t spoken since, but I’m still pretty close to Alex.
Granted I probably just stuck with him because I had feelings for him, but I still found the options Mary had given me rather childish.
There are plenty more stories with Mary that are also just as dumb, but this takes the cake.
Am I the jerk for choosing to be friends with somebody my long-term friend did not like?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Look I think Mary went more overboard with the banning than I would have, but she’s allowed to decide who she will and won’t hang out with, and she can use whatever reasoning she wants.
It stings that she decided she won’t hang out with you, but she’s allowed to make that call for herself.
Similarly, you’re allowed to be friends with whomever you want, including people that other friends don’t like.
There might be consequences, but you are allowed to make that call for yourself.
Sometimes people don’t share the same vision for a friendship and it ends, and that stings, but it isn’t really a jerk move by either of you.” KittenSnowMittens
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Alex doesn’t seem to have done anything wrong, and he’s not his friend’s caretaker either so it’s unfair of Mary to blame him for what was said – Unless this is known behavior but that’s not mentioned in the post.
Mary sounds quite controlling but it might be worth trying to explain the situation again once everyone’s calmed down.” Resalia
12. AITJ For Not Being That Interested In My Cousin's Newborn?
“My (17F) cousin (C) recently gave birth to her daughter. My family was never close. Currently, we’re all living about 600 km apart and have for years. My grandma (deceased) moved near us when I was born.
She didn’t reach out to her other grandkids, as she was in a bad place when they were born (she was addicted to gambling). I know that doesn’t excuse the blatant favoritism she showed towards me or that she never tried to build a relationship with them after she recovered.
So there wasn’t a connection through shared grandparents and my mum has loose on-off communication with her brothers, while those two don’t speak directly at all.
When my cousin’s daughter was born I displayed some mild interest.
When my mum showed me a picture her brother had sent her, I asked about C’s and her baby’s well-being, but that was it for me. Glad they’re fine and moving on. I get why my mum is so excited.
I made it clear over the past few months, after C’s pregnancy brought it up, that I don’t want kids. So I completely understand if she has grandparent-y feelings towards C’s kid, as she’ll likely never have grandkids of her own.
Completely fine, if she respects the boundaries the parents or actual grandparents set.
I indulged her interest at first. Whenever she showed me a picture and gushed about how cute the baby is, I nodded along, because, yeah, babies are cute.
But I always had the feeling she was expecting more of a reaction. When she wouldn’t stop and started to ‘up the game’, I couldn’t help but feel like she was trying to pressure me into something.
I doubt it’s something creepy like ‘see how cute babies are, you could give me grandbabies too someday’, but I started feeling uncomfortable, as I don’t have a connection to my extended family and didn’t know what she was trying to get at.
So a few days ago I tried to explain something like this: ‘Mum, I understand that you’re happy, but I don’t actually know these people. I met C a total of 3 times, the last one being at grandma’s funeral in 2017.
You grew up with her dad, so I get that they’re family to you, but I don’t feel that way toward them. They also never really acknowledged me, so I don’t think it’s my duty to reach out to them.
I would prefer if you shared your excitement with someone who actually feels the same, instead of with me, as I can’t sympathize.’ She blew up at me and accused me of ‘trying to break up the family’, like grandma.
Just because I never had extended family, didn’t mean the little one had to suffer through the same. But I never had an extended family. And as I see it, it isn’t my duty to fix a bond I never had, with people I never knew, especially since I’m technically a kid myself.
I want my relatives to be okay, but I don’t view them as family, as the only thing we share is blood. AITJ for expressing that? I’m afraid my mum feels like I tried to ruin it for her and I‘m denouncing our family.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your Mum will calm down in time and until then, just grin and bear it. Depending on how much you want to make up with your Mum, you could always offer to chip in for a Christening gift or ask her if the baby will be christened and that you’d like to know so you can buy something nice when the time comes.
Doesn’t need to be something expensive, but if you go for the chipping-in option, make sure you set a budget before any ideas even get discussed.” Useful_Experience423
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Your mom is trying to share her excitement and bond with you, and you were polite, respectful, and kind.
It’s a hard time for her, and it’s unfortunate you’re caught in between her fantasy and reality.” Glittercorn111
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your reasoning is very well thought out, and logical, and you even took your mom’s feelings into consideration.
Very mature for your age!
I hope she just has to deal with her disappointment, as I see no reason you should reach out to extended family you have no contact with. Nothing says they would even like that. As you said, it’s fine she wants to reconnect, but only as long as their boundaries are respected.” alyom
It's also okay that you don't want kids and that you think that will be how you feel forever.
There's a chance, you're still so young and haven't been out in the world yet, so someday you might realize you do want kids.
Your mom, consciously or subconsciously, could be hoping you find the joy in a new life. That it will start you thinking you might change your mind. That can backfire.
You can be childfree your entire life. You could turn 30 and decide you do want a child, you have numerous paths in front of you.
Tell her to back off, she's making you hate kids even more.
11. AITJ For Asking My Sister-In-Law Not To Invite My Step-Sister To Her Wedding?
“I and my stepsister have never been close, we pretty much hated each other growing up and used to fight constantly. Things only got better because we started interacting only in incredibly small doses.
After I got married my stepsister latched onto my sister-in-law. Their friendship made me uncomfortable but I never said anything to my sister-in-law since I didn’t think it was my place to tell her who she can and can’t spend time with and I didn’t want to air my dirty laundry to my in-laws so early into my marriage.
However, now my stepsister has started making sly remarks about my marriage and keeps trying to dangle the fact that she supposedly has information on my husband and his ‘extracurricular activities’ from my sister-in-law.
We’ve had two massive blowups over it already and I’ve asked her to repeatedly stop but she hasn’t and won’t.
My sister-in-law is getting married this summer. She was planning to invite my stepsister but I asked her not to as I don’t want to be around her.
My stepsister recently found out that she wasn’t invited but all of ‘their’ friends had been and rightly guessed I had something to do with it.
Now she’s mad and said I’m trying to ruin her friendship with my sister-in-law because I’m jealous and insecure that my sister-in-law is becoming closer to my stepsister than she is to me.
She keeps telling me she could ‘screw up my life’ if she wanted to and that I should stick my nose out of her business before she decides to involve herself in my life.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You say you don’t want to tell SIL with whom she can spend time but you think it’s okay to tell her whom she can invite to her wedding?
You are an adult.
Learn to exist in the same space with someone you detest for a few hours for the sake of your SIL. It’s called being mature.
And for your stepsis, if she has ‘dirt’ on you or your husband…
call her on it. She will either have to ante up or shut up.” Ducky818
Another User Comments:
“Sorry YTJ. I get where you are coming from and it is a trashy situation, but your initial instinct that it is not your place to tell your SIL who she can spend time with is the correct one.
This is your SIL’s wedding, not yours. If she wants her there you are going to have to suck it up and complain about it to someone else. Just by asking you are putting her in an incredibly awkward situation and unsurprisingly that has come around to bite you in the butt.
When someone is close to someone who you feel mistreats you all you can do is decide whether you still want to be close to that person despite them being ok with how you are treated.
Sometimes it might be worth it anyway, sometimes it isn’t.
You don’t have to get along with your step-sister but you can’t ask people to make sure you two aren’t in the same room (when attending someone else’s social event that is).
I am not saying that your step-sister isn’t mean by the way, because she definitely sounds like she is, and the way she threatened you really isn’t ok! The YTJ is just about your decision to ask your SIL not to invite her.” nicolasbaege
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – ‘their friendship made me uncomfortable but I never said anything to my sister-in-law since I didn’t think it was my place to tell her who she can and can’t spend time with.’
The fact you don’t communicate and harbor this jealousy has spiraled into the drama that you put your sister-in-law in the middle of.
Then your step-sister is a jerk for making sly remarks; however, I find it interesting it came from your sister-in-law so don’t trust her with your private info. I’d just go straight to your husband and get the truth or ask what that info is.
Put your differences aside on wedding days, that is that person’s day, not yours. The bride isn’t responsible for anyone’s feelings on her day.” MooreKittens
10. WIBTJ If I Called Out My Partner's Mean Mom?
“My (26M) partner Emily’s (32F) mom Sarah (68F) is so mean to my partner. Think Monica’s mom in Friends and you’ll get a good idea of what she is like. She picks at everything about my partner, from her appearance to her personality.
Emily usually just kind of takes it to keep the peace because they are around each other so much. They live within very short walking distance of each other. I don’t witness the stuff Sarah says, (she’s super nice in front of other people), but Emily tells me about it and it just really annoys me.
What makes it even worse is that Sarah apparently sometimes ropes me into her comments. For example, Emily got pretty wasted at the NYE party we went to (honestly everyone did, the only reason I didn’t was that I was the designated driver).
Emily told me that when she saw her mom the next day, Sarah told her that her eyes looked terrible, then asked if that was the most wasted that I had ever seen her.
When Emily said yes, Sarah asked if I was ok with that, and then ‘joked’ that I may want to stop seeing Emily because of it. There have been other times when Sarah has commented on Emily’s weight and said that she doesn’t want Emily to lose me over it.
Now, Emily does apparently stand up for me when Sarah says these things (saying stuff like, ‘James isn’t like that, he loves me regardless’), but I’m still very offended by them. Sarah has said that she really likes me, so I don’t understand why she would have this negative opinion of me.
I love my girl very much and honestly, wouldn’t care how much she weighs or what she looks like. Actually, I think she is 100x better looking than me anyway and she has the best personality of anyone I’ve ever met, so I feel very lucky that Emily wants to be with me.
I’m just so tired of Sarah digging at my partner. What makes it even worse, is if Emily says anything back, Sarah gets upset and says things like, ‘you are so mean to me!’ Emily has told me to just let it go because she says she knows saying something won’t make a difference, and she’s moving in with me in the spring anyway, and then we’ll be about 45 minutes away from her mom and the distance will make it better.
But I don’t know if I can wait that long without saying anything. So WIBTJ if I confronted her?”
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ. Your partner has a narcissistic-sounding mother and that’s a whole hornet’s nest of emotional issues that predate your relationship but your partner definitely deserves someone that sticks up for her.
It might not be worth the trouble to make a stink to her mom and deal with what will be a defensive response or a narcissistic escalation of conflict, but let your partner know that the way her mother treats her is not ok.
If you’re all together and her mom says something trashy, act out of kindness for your partner, not anger at her mother, her mother sounds like a lost cause.” sempervi-rens
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ – Your heart is in a good place, and it’s awesome to love your partner so much to have her back…
BUT you should NOT say anything to Sarah unless EMILY wants you to. Continue to support her, let her take the lead, and make the decision on how to handle it. Also, let her know it really bothers you and that if Sarah says something in front of you that you might be hard-pressed to keep quiet.” Babsgarcia
Another User Comments:
“Personally, NTJ.
I don’t think anyone can be a jerk for calling someone else out on being a jerk, as long as you are semi-polite about it to start with.
That being said, I think you need to focus less on ‘Sarah’ being mean and more on ‘Emily’ thinking that just accepting the mean comments is better than calling her mom out on it.
She doesn’t have to accept mean comments from anyone just because she’s her mom or because saying something ‘won’t make a difference.’
Cutting ‘Sarah’ out of her life might be a bit extreme for her, but she genuinely needs to be more willing to set boundaries on what she will accept from her mother.
Be warned, however, that talking to her about this kind of thing might make her defensive because of its nature.
So, maybe approach this by asking her to just listen and really think about what you’re saying, then explain to her that she doesn’t deserve to be treated that way by anyone, that setting certain boundaries on what she will accept can help if she sticks by them, and that you’re worried about her willingness to just accept it as it is and ask her why she does.
Make sure not to yell, and that you don’t just accuse her of avoiding confrontation or anything like that.” CreativityNulled
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ as much as you have every right to be upset by this seeking out a confrontation isn’t going to help.
If the confrontation comes to you, if her mother makes comments to you, or in front of you that’s a different story.
But right now I’d just focus on creating distance between both of you and her mother.” LunaticBZ
9. AITJ For Being Mad At My Mom For Telling My Grandma That I'm Gay?
“I (17F) am a lesbian and live in the bible belt. I came out to my unaccepting mom (37F) and stepdad (39M), and my accepting stepmom (35F) and dad (39M) at 15.
My mom called me derogatory things and had special rules for me (basically grounded for being gay).
She allowed my stepdad and her MIL to bash me as well. It felt unfair that I was treated differently from my siblings, and it caused a huge rift between us. She outed me to my aunt who told me I’m not going to heaven and insisted I talk to a ‘fixed’ former lesbian at her church.
In 2020, I moved in with my dad full-time. This opened her eyes, and she’s been trying to be more accepting and mend our relationship. I was excited, and I’m in the process of moving back in part-time.
She has met my long-term partner, J (16F), and tries to have a nice relationship with her.
I went to J’s house and my usual ride couldn’t get me, so my grandmother picked me up and I was to stay the night.
My sister (19F) lives with her and texts me that my mom told my grandmother that J is my partner. My grandparents are VERY religious, and if my grandfather knew, I would be disowned.
I texted my mom, and for transparency here’s the exchange:
Me: please don’t tell mamaw stuff without asking me first, that’s my decision and makes me VERY uncomfortable. It crosses a very big boundary and that has seriously hurt me.
Mom: What’s that? I haven’t talked to her.
Me: you told mamaw J is my significant other.
Mom: She asked where you went and I told her… so they have to get used to it. I’m not ashamed to tell her that.
Me: okay but mom that’s my choice to make and I wasn’t ready to tell her that.
Mom: She already knew… I told her before who J was when stepdad brought her over… she acts like she didn’t know but she knew unless she forgot.
But it wasn’t out of the intent of causing any issues… did she say something to you? Because I’ll tell her to keep her opinion to herself. She knew a long time ago…
Me: no, but it really bothers me that you told her.
That’s something I should get to do.
Mom: Well sorry I didn’t know it was a secret… if I had bad intent behind it then I could understand you being upset about it but it wasn’t.
It’s okay you pointed out that it hurt your feelings but don’t be upset over it.
Me: I know you had good intentions, but that’s my choice and it really bothers me that you took that away.
It’s not a secret, but it’s a conversation that I would’ve preferred to have with her.
She called my dad who berated me for ten minutes over the phone. He said I need to ‘pick one, in or out’ and that it’s proof she’s come a long way.
I explain that I know she meant well, but for my safety, it made me upset and to just let me know next time. I then called my mom and explained that to her.
My partner says my feelings are justified, but my dad thinks I was a jerk. AITJ?
ETA: after the aunt situation, I told her not to tell other family members.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is never other people’s place to tell your business.
Especially about this. And ‘pick one, in or out’ is horribly obtuse. They THINK they’ve come a long way but they need a lot more education. As an example, I don’t even tell my own husband about one of our kids’ sexuality because it’s not my place.
It’s never anyone else’s place. Our child will tell their dad when they’re ready, and you have the right to do the same with each and every individual in your life.
By the way… Schitt’s Creek had a great episode about this when Johnny accidentally tells Patrick’s parents because he thought they knew already.
David says to Patrick this is hugely personal and you get to do it your way. Maybe watching that show would help them understand some things better, it seems to have done so for many people.
Just a thought.” smokymtnsorceress
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – is it possible she told grandmother before the aunt incident, though? Or is it possible that the aunt/someone else told them?
While she absolutely should not have outed you, it seems like she (both your parents, actually) is trying to fumble her way through being accepting.
This is a process, not a switch, unfortunately. It sounds like she is accepting of feedback and wants to make the relationship work but just doesn’t know the rules. Because of this, I think intent matters a lot.
The good news is, if grandmother has known for some time, grandfather likely also knows and has not exploded. If neither of them has said anything or tried to ‘fix you’ like your aunt did, it means that they all love you and are trying to get over decades of conditioning that says they should disown/fix/be horrible to you.
So either your mom has laid down some ground rules, or they’re all independently working through how to move forward with acceptance.” Elegant_Hornet_7641
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. ‘In or out’ isn’t how coming out works. Like I’m out to my family and friends but closeted at work for example.
And before that, I was out to my friends, youth pastor, and one aunt but closeted to most of my family, because I needed a support network in case things go down and people I could be open with but also avoid bigotry from people I couldn’t.
There are also situations where I come out as gay but not trans because I know that a lot of people are more likely to be accepting of being gay and if I’m out to someone as gay that doesn’t mean I also have to be out to them as trans.
It’s totally reasonable to want to be out only in situations that make you feel safe and to want control over who you come out to. That’s your decision, not your dad’s. And honestly, he really needs to back off and apologize because that’s not something he’ll ever have to go through or think about for himself.
I don’t care how far your mom has come, her past actions mean she has to work harder to earn your trust and either way people who you’re out to are not entitled to out you without permission.” ShareBitter8422
8. AITJ For Selling The Gift My Dad Got Me?
“A couple of weeks ago I moved from a house with a shared kitchen to a room with my own kitchen. There was an oven and microwave in the shared kitchen, but as they belong to the girl I lived with, I did not take them to my new room.
I like to make food using an oven, so I had to get one for myself. My dad said he would get me a microwave with an oven function. The oven function is the most important to me as I use it multiple times a week to prepare my dinner.
I rarely use a microwave.
My dad bought a microwave/oven for me online. He would bring it with him the day he would help me move to my new room. Unfortunately, the microwave/oven did not arrive on time.
My father lives 2 hours away from me, meaning that he could not just drop it off at my new place. The microwave/oven arrived a few days later. A month or so after I moved, I went to my dad’s house with my partner for the weekend.
We took the microwave/oven, still in the box, with us to my new room. He also gave me the invoice, so I could return it if it was broken.
As I did not have a lot of time, I opened the box a few days later and placed the microwave/oven on my kitchen counter, and threw away the box.
When I wanted to use the oven a few days later, I concluded that the thing he bought me was actually a microwave with a grill function, meaning I could not use it to make some of my favorite food, like pizza or lasagna.
When I texted this to my father, he said to just buy a small oven. The thing is, the microwave is taking up quite a lot of space in my small kitchen. An extra oven just would not really fit.
Returning the microwave to the webshop was not an option, as I had already thrown the box away.
In my opinion, the best solution was to sell the microwave with a grill function and use that money to buy a microwave with an oven function.
When I proposed this solution via text to my dad, he reacted very short but was irritated. A bit passive-aggressive.
I asked if he does not like me selling it, because it was a gift from him.
The next day I sent him a question mark because he had not yet responded to my message. He then texted that he indeed does not like it. I responded that I do not like it either, because it is a very nice microwave and that I felt kinda bad about it.
I explained that I wanted a microwave with an oven function and that we both thought that was what he had given me. I added that I normally use an oven multiple times a week and that my kitchen has limited space and that I understand that he doesn’t like me selling it because it was a gift.
It is much more convenient to replace the microwave/grill. I put it up for sale a few days ago.
AITJ here for selling the gift, because my dad does not like me doing that?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your dad gave you a gift that isn’t what you need so you are going to basically exchange it.
You have to sell it to do that because of the time lag and the box being gone.
Why this is an ego issue for him is anyone’s guess. Don’t make it a big deal though, once you sell it thank him and explain that the funds from that sale are going to make it possible for you to get what you need so the new oven will still be a gift from him.
(Even if you do end up paying most of it, let him save face.)” SuperLoris
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for involving him in this decision.
He has no actual say in this, all you did was tell him that you didn’t like his gift.
It just made him feel bad.
I’ve had to throw away or donate plenty of things my parents got me, but I don’t text them about it and ask them to assuage my guilt. I mean, I also don’t have any guilt about it either, because it’s not my fault when they buy me things I didn’t specifically ask for.” plscallmeRain
7. AITJ For Not Wanting To Wear A Wig?
“I (31F) dye my hair bright, vibrant colors all the time. My brother is getting married in May 2022. I am not a bridesmaid or involved with the wedding at all. I am just an attendee.
I will be in the family photos. I told his fiancée that I wanted to have holographic, pastel-colored hair (look up holographic, pearl, or opal hair color) for the wedding. Because I figured that would be a bit more subtle than what I normally do.
The fiancée said I can have whatever hair color I wanted for the wedding and reception. But I must wear a natural hair color for the photos. Which means I have to wear a wig.
Mind you, I am a bridesmaid at my best friend’s wedding in April 2022 and I was told I can do whatever I want with my hair and my best friend totally loves the holographic color.
So I honestly don’t want to have to go back to my natural blonde hair for my brother’s wedding, just for 5-10 photos. I was pretty upset about it because I’m not sure why she can dictate what my hair looks like when I’m not in the wedding.
Before this conversation, my brother already said I could have bright colored hair, but then didn’t stick up for me when his fiancée said I had to wear a wig.
AITJ for not wanting to honor my future sister-in-law’s request and not wearing a more natural-looking hair color for the photos?”
Another User Comments:
“You should buy the wig.
Style the wig nicely in a sophisticated, dressy but still fun look. Maybe buy some hair accessories that coordinate with the wedding colors.
Then when they call you for pictures, place the wig where they want you to stand.
Since the couple obviously cares more about your hair being in their photos than the actual person who owns that hair, let them take allllll the pictures they want with the wig. You can just peace out to the cocktail hour while they do their thing.
NTJ. Hope they have an open bar, though.” AccessibleBeige
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, totally understand not wanting to wear a wig for the photos, which would probably mess up any hairstyling you have for the event.
I also understand her not wanting a non-traditional hair color in family photos, which she may perceive as taking focus away from her and your brother. Just because your friend is alright with it, doesn’t mean everyone should be alright with it.
A compromise should be working with the photographer to make adjustments to your hair color for the images. Any good wedding photographer is already going to be making edits to the photos anyway, so you and the bride can collaborate on what type of hair color would work well for the family photos.” sammmymantha
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are you, and ‘you’ aren’t a blonde or a brunette.
You are a vibrant fae creature and your future sil apparently doesn’t understand that 1) the bride doesn’t get to dictate the hair & makeup of the guests (and can only make general requests about clothing) and 2) that your hair would look more fake in the photos if you wore a wig or she got the pictures altered.
A ‘natural’ hair color isn’t natural to you.” rapt2right
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – I can see why she might ask, it’s often the compromise that is suggested. That said – a good photographer should have no problem editing the color you are talking about, probably for cheaper than a realistic wig.
If you feel like it you might offer to cover the cost of editing the color of your hair in the photos and even handle communicating with the photographer about doing it and the cost so that the bride doesn’t have to manage another task. Wedding planning can be stressful and if it’s one less thing she has to worry about she may even find herself grateful for offering to handle it.” ayriana
6. AITJ For Disturbing My Partner's Grandma In The Middle Of The Night?
“My (19F) partner (19M) is a type 1 diabetic and has been since he was 12. We’ve been together for 11 months now. He lives 65 miles away with his grandparents. Because he lives so far away and doesn’t work due to his disability, he spends over half his time with me in my apartment.
He always brings LOTS of supplies for dealing with his diabetes, but this week he was running low and wasn’t able to pack as much. This is where the problem began.
Last night around midnight, my partner’s insulin pump got caught on a knob and ripped out of him.
He only had one spare attachment, and it malfunctioned when we tried to put it on. Panicking, he called his grandmother, who said she would get dressed and meet us at a halfway point as soon as possible.
It was storming really badly outside and I was worried about the long drive to his house and back (he can drive, but he doesn’t have his driver’s license due to circumstances outside of his control).
We met, and she helped him set up his pump and gave him extra supplies, we thanked her and drove him. When we got home I texted her a long thank-you message and apologized for bothering her so late.
She said she understood that these things happen sometimes and she didn’t mind. I thought that was the end of it.
This morning when my partner woke up, he saw that he’d received a text from his grandfather that waking up his wife in the middle of the night and asking her to meet him with his supplies was very rude and not to do it again.
As I said, I felt terrible that we had to bother her so late at night, but his blood sugar was already high and we couldn’t wait until the morning to replace his pump attachment.
Taking him to his house and spending the night wasn’t an option because his grandparents don’t allow me to spend the night over there for some reason (his grandmother has told me she adores me and thinks the world of me, so my guess is she’s just old fashioned and doesn’t want us sleeping together in her house).
I suppose we could have driven to his house, but then I would have had to drive all the way back, not arrive until 2 am, in a major storm, alone or with him.
Meeting halfway was her suggestion, not ours.
I don’t believe we are jerks, but I want to get outside opinions to make sure. Are we jerks?
EDIT: some people have said my partner is using his diabetes as an excuse to get out of work.
He has many health issues besides his diabetes and as a young man with no degree (he is currently in college), the only jobs available to him at the moment are not ones he would be able to do with his health problems (which I won’t get into for obvious reasons).
Also, the reason his grandmother was able to bring supplies was because she got more after he came over. He’s been here for a few days. In the past, he’s ALWAYS brought way more supplies than he needs just in case, but this time he just didn’t have enough.
This is the only time we’ve ever had anything like this happen. He’s very careful.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, grandpa is obnoxious for objecting after the fact like this. Now: The guy should have extra supplies at your house if he is going to be staying over frequently.
If he is old enough to stay out overnight he needs to be responsible to keep himself safe.
Last night was an emergency though, and it was too late for your partner to be responsible.
Done is done and the guy had to have his supplies. It saved time to have her meet you halfway. You can’t play with blood sugar, if it took you twice as long to get him what he needed that could have been dire.” SuperLoris
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, I would have driven to their house to get the supplies.
Driving up and down in a storm wouldn’t have been ideal, but he could’ve driven back with you right? He wouldn’t have had to stay there and you drive back alone. And now his grandma who isn’t as young as you guys had to drive alone at 2 AM in a storm.
So I understand grandpa’s concern and response. Things I accept as a risk when it concerns me often don’t sit as well with me when it concerns my partner somehow.
But since you did show your appreciation to grandma and she didn’t seem to mind as much as grandpa you’re also NTJ.
I think it would be good to always have some extra supplies at your home from now on and replace those immediately when you did have to use them. Also, it wouldn’t hurt to maybe bake some cookies or something to bring to g’ma next time you see her and assure g’pa of the steps you are taking to prevent this in the future.” Padawansansan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, asking a parent or guardian to help in preventing a medical emergency is not unreasonable and regardless of the time, it’s not something that could have waited overnight.
The grandfather’s just being a jerk. It would be unreasonable for you to provide transportation the full distance and be expected to drive back middle of the night in a storm. Even old-fashioned families can be good enough hosts to provide a couch.” Escape_Overlander
5. AITJ For Not Visiting A Friend While On Vacation?
“I’ve (F38) been friends with a girl ‘Abby’ (40) for many years, she lives at a vacation spot and my family has a second home nearby and we also went to university together. She introduced me to many of my university friends and helped me get student accommodation, I would consider her a friend although we don’t see each other very often nowadays.
I graduated 20 years ago and she still lives at the vacation spot and is married and has 4 children, she is self-employed and picks and chooses her work hours to work around her family responsibilities, she also has a lot of family nearby to help with her house/kids/childcare for work and nights out, etc.
She is an extrovert but has always struggled with confidence and always feels like people don’t want to be her friend. It’s unfortunate because this makes her needy and leads her to call out people who she believes are not being good friends to her which drives people away and reinforces her negative feelings about people not wanting to be her friend.
This is all relevant to the issue here.
I live in a big city, I’m married with 2 kids, I am employed at a demanding job, I do 50/60 hours a week, my life is very tightly scheduled, my family does not live close to me, I rely on paid childcare when I work and I don’t get a lot of time for myself.
I am an introvert. My family is kind of well-known and it would be of interest to some of the gossiping people in the vacation town that we would be visiting.
This Christmas I traveled to my family vacation home for 3 days with my husband, kids, and extended family, we hadn’t all been together for years.
I had some much-needed time off work and was looking forward to spending quality time with the kids, maybe getting family to babysit for a night so I could go out, and maybe getting an hour to sit and chill by myself.
I text my university friends’ WhatsApp group to say happy new year and mentioned that I was at the vacation home with family. I later heard from friends that Abby is upset and angry that I didn’t visit her and that I don’t always tell her that I am going to be in town…
I’m a little upset that she spoke to our mutual friends about me but whatever it is not a big deal, my issue is that while I feel bad that she is upset, I don’t feel the need to apologize to her for not visiting her every single time I go on vacation…
I get to go to the vacation home like once or maybe twice a year if I am lucky, and sometimes I need this time for myself and my kids, other times I’ll catch up with Abby if she is free.
I also don’t feel she can expect to be notified when I am in town, I feel like this is a small-town mentality and is driven by her wanting to have the gossip, I don’t understand why she would care to be informed if I am in town or not.
Abby is always invited when I arrange university friend meet-ups. I would never exclude someone.
AITJ for not making time for my friend every time I go on vacation and not actively notifying her every time I visit?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
My god, Abby could be my sister. She is like this with extended family if she hears they came to our STATE she would raise a fuss if they didn’t take the time to drive a couple of hours to see her or make sure she was invited to see them.
She’s done the same thing to ME we live an hour apart if I post I’m in her town meeting friends she posts about ‘gee I was home why wasn’t I invited’.
You were there with family for only THREE days over the holidays.
Do NOT let her make you feel obligated or guilty.
Your friends all know what she’s like they are not secretly thinking wow you’re the jerk not for one second.” dart1126
Another User Comments:
“YTJ not for not informing her you’re in town but for pretending like you care about her and are friends with her when you clearly aren’t a fan and seem jealous of her life.
Stop stringing her along pretending like you give a crap and let her know that you no longer care to be friends with her. Because if you actually wanted to be friends you wouldn’t have listed out all that stuff about her and you’d actually want to see her.” ChaosNHamHam
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, mate.
This is all her problem, I would say. If you do talk to her, just tell her to grow up and point out to her that it is just small-town nonsense she’s peddling. Maybe make it clear to her that you can’t go around making demands of people like that and expect them to hop to attention. Don’t let it get you down, anyway. It’s on her.” User
4. AITJ For Calling My Widowed Brother-In-Law A "Moocher"?
“My (f29) BIL (m34) lost his wife a month ago. I have to say I have never been close to my husband’s family in general because of past disagreements and I was initially somewhat tolerant of my BIL because I sympathized with his circumstances.
BIL got stuck in medical debt and he couldn’t afford rent anymore so he asked that he move in with us, I agreed though I wasn’t completely up to it.
The real issue is that my BIL isn’t and doesn’t look like he will get his own place anytime soon.
The reason I’m bothered by having him stay with us is his lack of privacy and the fact he took extra space by bringing his wife’s stuff with him as well (he could’ve sent it to his inlaws) also the overall vibe his presence brings, I mean he’s obviously grieving but literally all he talks about is his wife.
I talked to my husband about him finding his own space but my husband insisted that we have more patience and be more supportive since his brother is heavily grieving right now and it’s expected that he needs time and we as a family should help which is fine by me but my last straw was yesterday.
My husband came into the room to tell me his brother was crying in the other room and asked if I could make him something soothing to drink and that’s when I blew up and told him no I won’t because I didn’t agree on being at his brother’s beck and call.
He said his brother is grieving and I should show some respect but I told him his brother is a moocher at this point and he was encouraging his laziness. My husband immediately left the room then came back and yelled at me saying his brother just heard every nasty word I said about him including ‘moocher’.
He started arguing with me about how heartless and selfish I was to talk like that about his brother and hurt him during his grief then walked out.
He’s expecting me to apologize though he may not understand that I said what I said out of frustration.
Still, he says I messed up and I need to apologize.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Yikes. You agreed to let him move in. His wife just died a month ago. ONE month. What is he supposed to be talking about? Rainbows? Puppies? Sunshine? His life is completely shattered right now.
It’s completely normal behavior on his part. Instead of berating your houseguest, encourage him to get therapy or find more productive ways to channel his grief. If you disliked him for personal reasons before this, you shouldn’t have agreed to him staying with you to save face, or communicated a timeline with your husband ahead of time.
Instead, you’ve called him a lazy mooch when he’s dealing with a monumental loss, and you’re letting your personal feelings toward him negate any sense of empathy. Holy cow.” intolerablefem
Another User Comments:
“Your BIL is grieving.
It’s just been a month. If he has been living there for years upon years, I would put you down as an NTJ But that’s not the case here. Grieving takes time and you talk about the person.
I also understand if you are not in a position to have the bandwidth to hear his emotions – in which case suggest a therapist. However, the grief is new and it’s still raw.
If the stuff is the problem, ask him to identify some stuff and suggest moving the remainder to a storage area. It’s not rocket science to figure out solutions that work for all of you, provided you care enough.
In this case, you did not care enough and it’s evident. Ideally, you should have said no to him moving in and saved you this grief because clearly, you can’t stand him.
Your husband sees his brother crying and asks you to make something soothing.
I am not sure why he did not fix it himself. I am not going to call him a jerk maybe there’s some tinge of sexism here (unless he wanted to console his brother while you got him the drink, but unsure).
It is also possible that now you are expected to do some additional chores – like cooking and cleaning up after another person. Now, that might cause resentment which could have bubbled over. Make sure that there is an equitable (or equal) distribution of chores between you and your husband.
It is his brother, after all, he cannot be expecting you to do all of the chores – just as when it was just the two of you (again, not condoning this as there needs to be equal distribution of chores).
Clearly, there are underlying issues here that you and your husband need to address. However, YTJ for what you said about your BIL. Your issues are with your husband – communicate.” hk3d
Another User Comments:
“OK, there’s a big problem here in my opinion.
The problem is that you are living with someone you don’t actually like ‘because of family’.
As you don’t like the person you aren’t willing to tolerate the issues.
Now if a close family member that I loved lived with me because of bereavement I’d bend over backward to help them out.
If for some reason I allowed myself to live with someone I dislike (let’s say I married my ex and her brother who I disliked moved because of bereavement and she said OK) I’d be moaning at the first excuse.
Now you need to realize what’s going on. The BIL is behaving like a normal bereaved person. You aren’t tolerating that because you don’t like or care for him. You are also not emotionally intelligent enough to understand what’s going on with your own thought process.
You shouldn’t have to live with someone you dislike but you’ve let him move in so you need to give it time.
Now the most important thing to do is to have a talk with your husband.
Make sure it’s a private conversation. It should be summed up as followed. Not my monkey, not my circus. By this I mean you need to explain that your BIL is your husband’s person, not yours and he needs to be the one to provide the care and support he wants.
You are tolerating him in your house because of sympathy and family but you don’t want him there and you don’t actually like him.
You can and probably should apologize. You got frustrated from sharing your space.
The living is in close confines and you are finding it very frustrating.
In reality, you failed yourself when you didn’t object to BIL moving in. As I say you don’t like him and you don’t want him but you agreed to him moving in and to kick him out so quickly would be a jerk move.” naraic-
3. AITJ For Not Wanting My MIL At Thanksgiving Dinner If She Refuses To Eat My Food?
“This year I (32F) am hosting Thanksgiving at my house and I have been working all month on coming up with the menu and testing all my recipes. I am so excited to share my cooking with my family and my husband (35M) has been supportive and helpful through all the planning and prep work.
I have bought all the ingredients and I have a beautiful variety of dishes planned (both traditional and a few unique additions).
Well, today my husband dropped the bombshell on me that my MIL wants to bring her own dinner to eat when she comes over.
I asked him why she would need to bring her own food when I will have more than enough here. He just made excuses saying I know how his mother is a ‘grade A picky eater’ and she won’t ‘like’ anything I have prepared.
I thought that was ridiculous, I am not making anything unfamiliar to her and there will be plenty to choose from. He argued that her bringing her own dinner would be a good compromise and I disagree.
It will be hugely obvious that she’s making a comment on my cooking and it would be humiliating to have her there eating something completely different in front of everyone, it’s like she’s trying to make a point of showing that my cooking isn’t good enough for her.
I think she is being incredibly rude and disrespectful of the time, money, and labor I have put into this upcoming meal. I told him if she can’t eat anything here then she is welcome to stay home and eat whatever she wants.
My husband is now calling me insensitive and petty. He says I am ruining the holiday. I don’t see it that way. I only want friends and family around who are appreciative and kind – I don’t need the negativity of someone rejecting everything I’ve cooked and insulting my cooking when I’ve worked so hard.
This has truly been a labor of love and I took on this responsibility to share that love with my family and friends. AITJ for not wanting my MIL to come if she’s going to reject everything I’ve made?”
Another User Comments:
“Yes, your MIL is being rude and disrespectful, but uninviting her is not the answer.
Here’s what you do: Welcome her and her special meal with open arms. Kill her with kindness.
Be sure to point out to the other guests, in a lovey-dovey, if perhaps a wee bit patronizing, tone of voice how MIL has special needs and brought her own food and you are SO GLAD she could make it even though eating away from home is so difficult for her.
Offer to help her heat up her meal. Tell her it looks absolutely delicious and ask for her recipes and ask her if she could bring one of her wonderful dishes to the next gathering.
Meanwhile, you and your other guests can enjoy your fabulous meal and your MIL can listen to all the compliments you get for it.
NTJ.” pinetree8000
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
MIL is being rude to refuse your food in this way, your husband isn’t being very supportive of you, and you are escalating things unnecessarily.
Your cooking, as much as you’ve dedicated to it, is not the point of this holiday. Time with family is.
Your MIL eating her own food won’t be humiliating to you; assuming your food tastes at least decent, the only one that will be looked down on for her decision is her.
She’s the one behaving strangely, any judgment will be passed on her, not you.
Be the bigger person. Be the classy, generous hostess, spoil the rest of your guests with delicious food, make no comment on MIL’s behavior, and rise above.
(Also, is it possible that she has a genuine food issue? Such as a sensory thing causing her to struggle with foods? Those do exist, and they’re not always diagnosed. If so, going to eat at someone else’s house can be a terrifying prospect, and bringing her own food allows her to enjoy the holiday with everyone without having the anxiety about if she’ll be able to eat anything.)” EwokCafe
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
She doesn’t want to eat your food for whatever reason – she’s proposed a fine solution. Doesn’t require any extra work for you. Maybe she really is a picky eater, maybe your food is terrible (I’m sure it isn’t!) or maybe she just wants to be passive-aggressive, but what does it matter?
Let her come and eat her sad sandwich. Enjoy your excellent food with everyone else.” Practical-Bluebird96
2. AITJ For Making My Roommate Move His Car Late At Night?
“I rent a three-bedroom house (side-by-side) with 2 other guys. The house includes two parking spots in the back. Because of a large employer nearby, street parking is restricted to two hours during the day.
This has generally not been an issue, as until recently, we’ve never owned more than two cars between the three of us. Since there are only two cars, the parking spots are not assigned but are on a casual, first-come, first-served basis (one is under an apple tree which is unfortunate when it’s dropping apples).
For a small fee, $40 or so, residents of the area can purchase a car pass which will allow them to park on the street during the day despite this restriction; a common practice throughout our city.
One of my roommates moved out, and my existing roommate and I invited a mutual friend to move out of his parent’s place and in with us. He did not own a car at this time.
There was some unfortunate tension with New Guy, as there is often with new roommates, like my having to explain to him why he couldn’t blend a smoothie in an incredibly noisy blender at 1 am when my bedroom is directly over the kitchen.
But we’re all friends so we’re able to work things out.
One day, New Guy informs us his parents will be gifting him their old car at some point in the future. Nice! Congrats, New Guy! But what to do about parking?
Me: New Guy, your workplace is literally 2 blocks from the parking office, think you can swing by over a lunch break and pick up a parking pass? We can split the cost between us all.
New Guy: Sure! I can do that.
Well, a couple of weeks go by, and he’s not gotten the parking pass, despite a few gentle reminders that it needs to be done. No harm, no foul as he’s not taken possession of his car yet, and doesn’t think that’s going to happen for a little bit.
One night, fairly late (we’re all night owls) I come home to find both parking spots behind our house filled. New Guy has taken possession of his car (unexpectedly, he insists) and parked it behind the house.
I am not impressed. My options are either to park my car on the street and make sure I’m up early enough to move it (I don’t work the next day) or park it several blocks away.
Well, I park my car temporarily and come into the house, to catch New Guy about to get ready for bed, as he works the next day. We have some words, but everyone stays calm, which culminates in my insisting he move his car before he goes to bed, especially since he works the next day and would be moving his car anyway, and he was supposed to get a pass and never did.
He refuses, not seeing why I can’t just park a few blocks away. I insist. He refuses. This goes on for longer than I’d care to admit, but eventually, he relents in the face of my quiet rage.
So. AITJ for forcing my roommate to go out late at night and move his car, rather than parking a few blocks away and walking home?
ETA: It is worth noting that in our situation, there is little reason to prefer parking in the back (‘reserved’) rather than on the street.
Parking directly in front of our house is always available. Minor disadvantages are balanced by minor advantages (eg better lit).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He agreed to get the parking pass, he doesn’t get to monopolize your spot because he didn’t get around to it yet (I would have a different judgment if he’d communicated that he couldn’t get the pass or a pass wasn’t an option).” DinaFelice
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, you all have cars and limited parking, everyone should have a parking pass.
There is no ‘I was here first’ in an equitable roommate scenario. He obviously is a jerk for taking parking and trying to be slick about it, but you all should either go in on one parking pass and make sure everyone has access to it or, if the pass must match a license plate, you should all have a parking pass.
I lived in downtown LA, I get parking sucks in the worst places, but you’re all adults. You can’t make it all his problem, it sounds like any of you could have picked up the pass but since he’s new you and your roommate made it his problem.” Ehzabeth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This was an issue that your roommate claimed to understand when they agreed to get the parking pass.
So they know that parking is going to be a potential problem in the future and decided to just do whatever they wanted anyway. Though you may need to go get the parking pass yourself to avoid this again in the future.” Azreal_Syn
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
He sucks for not getting a pass but so do you and the other roommate. The responsibility falls on all of y’all. If it’s first come first serve, then that should apply to everyone and he was there first. So by that rule, you should have parked down the street. That being said he also could have just as easily moved his vehicle for you without complaint.” kaylicious_kisses
1. AITJ For Not Wanting To Help My Parents After My Dad Made Fun Of Me?
“My (16F) parents (53F and 54M) bought a house to reform about 2 years ago. Ever since then I’ve been helping them with everything related to the rehabilitation of the property since I study architecture.
The other day my mom mentioned that they wanted me to draw them some plans of a garage for our camping car. I said no problem and that we’d talk more about it later.
Then today, my parents started to explain to me how they wanted it to be. After a minute or two of conversation, I told them ‘I don’t really understand where you want the garage to be, can you draw it real quick for me?’ My mom said ‘Sure’ she grabbed a paper and started drawing shapes and explaining ‘So here is the entrance to the main gate…
and here is the fence with the well…’ then I said ‘What well?’ because I wasn’t aware that we had a well. My mom said ‘You don’t know where it is?’ to which I answered ‘No’ and when my mother started explaining I saw my father laughing at me.
At first, I didn’t understand and then I realized he was making fun of me for not knowing where it is. I felt a little offended by this because he is one of those people who can make fun of everyone, but no one can make fun of them.
At that point, I felt horrible and tired of his constant lack of respect, especially toward me. Because I know he was just laughing, but it wasn’t a one-time thing, he always makes fun of me for every single thing I do.
So I guess it was the drop that spilled the glass, and I left. I went to the kitchen and started preparing a snack. Then my mom told me to come back and said ‘What is wrong with you?’ to which I responded ‘I’m sorry but I’m not going to stand here while he makes fun of me when I’m just trying to help you’.
She told me that my father wasn’t making fun of me and then I said ‘Yes he was, he was laughing at me’ to which he answered ‘Don’t lie, I didn’t do such thing’ then he proceeded to call me a liar, that I probably didn’t want to draw the blueprints and that I was just starting drama because of that.
I saw this as clear gaslighting and I finally said ‘You know what? I don’t want to argue anymore, so just admit that you were laughing and then we can move on and I can help you.’ He said that he wasn’t going to do that so I said ‘Then I’m sorry but I’m not going to help you, I’m not going to let you get mad just because I didn’t let you disrespect me,’ and I left.
As I was going to my room my mom said ‘Then don’t you dare ask anything of me, you know, with Christmas coming up and all.’
I truly don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I overreacted and should go downstairs and apologize, or if I did the right thing.
I don’t care that she insinuated that I wasn’t getting any gifts for Christmas, couldn’t care less. I’m starting to think that maybe I was too sensitive. But I’m tired of not being appreciated for anything that I do and feeling like I’m never enough.
Please tell me what to do.
Edit: In Spain, we finish high school in 10th grade, that’s why I study architecture at 16. I didn’t know we had a well because it’s underground. Thank you to everyone that’s been helping me to see the situation from an unbiased point of view.”
Another User Comments:
“I appreciate the way you tried to defend yourself, but I doubt you’ll get (if ever) the kind of appreciation you’re looking for from your family.
Sometimes parents have a hard time seeing their children as anything other than children (my partner deals with this, and it’s frustrating!) Your parents are so used to and entrenched in being the expert in situations, I think you’re better served to find validation within yourself.
My parents were very negligent, so I can tell you straight: take what you can from them to survive and get by and prepare to move on without them. If they start treating you better, cool, deal with that then (but still prepare to go it alone) and let go of the fantasy perfect family you wish they would be; This is what you have to work with, take in what works for you (any good memories, skills, stability to finish school) and get out.
I’m gonna go with NTJ. They’ll never agree, so don’t bother arguing it unless you want more suffering. I’m also going to caution you away from partying or being too irresponsible… the sooner you can get yourself stable without familial support the better off you’re gonna be.
Your friends might have room to make these mistakes, you do not.” Ell15
Another User Comments:
“You’re 16 and think you’re an architect? You didn’t know you have a well? You are way too full of yourself. I don’t agree with your mother threatening to not get you Christmas gifts but your behavior was no better. At least you have some excuse, you’re just an immature kid. ESH.” Albertthe1st
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As I also have an egomaniac narcissist for a mother, I'm so very sorry for the pain she's caused you, and that she feels compelled to get back at you through your spouse. Mine does the same thing.
I went full NC with her several years ago, and it took 3 years for us to start talking again. She was great for a while but the narcissism has crept back to where she's worse than ever.
Please go full NC with this harpy, and consult an attorney about grandparents' rights in your state, and also start collecting threatening texts, emails and anything else that speaks to her state of mind and intentions. I'd bet much that harpy won't follow through on her threats, but in case she does, you'll be prepared.
And good for you for shutting her down and not allowing her to disrespect your husband. My personal harpy tried that once, and that was that. She hates my man because he loves me and makes me happy, and he detests her because of the way she treats me and my brother, so they ignore each other.
Good luck, and tell harpy to shove it.