People Want To Know If They Were Being Offensive In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

Not everyone is as patient as we would think. When people around them are annoying, a very patient person may simply brush them off and carry on with their lives, but this is not the case for those who don't let others hurt their egos. When people decide to get even, they run the risk of coming across as jerks, even if they don't mean to. This may be the case for those people who want our confirmation if they are the villains in these stories. Continue reading and tell us who you believe to be the true jerk. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

23. AITJ For Wanting To Plan The Party My Sister Wants?


“My (F22) sister (F24) graduated from university in 2020 and because of the state of the world we were never able to throw her a graduation party. I graduated this month and will be having a graduation party, which gave my dad and stepmom the idea to throw my sister a party.

For background, my sister and my mom have not talked for the past 2 years but I am still living with my mom and have a relationship with her. They wanted to throw her a party because my mom is throwing me a party and they wanted my sister to feel special too.

They asked me and her partner to plan it. They wanted it to be just her friend group and not any grandparents because of unrelated drama with my dad’s step-mom. I thought this was a little selfish because I thought my sister would have wanted to have grandparents there and the issues don’t involve my sister or the other grandparents.

But then the more my sister’s partner and I thought about it the more we came to the conclusion that my sister wouldn’t really enjoy the party. It didn’t really involve anything that she liked. They wanted to do it at their place because they have a pool. My sister doesn’t enjoy swimming.

At most, she’ll go in for 5 min. They live an hour away from her as well and we decided she’d prefer the party at her place.

My sister has lived in her home for 2 and a half years now and they have visited her 3 times. She goes to visit them around 2 times a month.

They are always making excuses as to why they can’t go visit her like ‘your dad works 12 hours some days he wants his weekends to relax’. This makes her upset. She also works 12-hour days sometimes but still finds time to go see them. So we thought that she would appreciate having our dad and stepmom come down to her place and host the graduation party there.

We ended up telling my sister about the party and she confirmed our thoughts. She already had a college graduation party and didn’t feel she needed a university one. She was relieved we told her and asked if we would suggest having the party at her place instead so it would be easy for her AND her friends to attend.

So I messaged them. They didn’t even consider it, they immediately said ‘let’s just do it here by the pool because it would be so hard for us to bring all the food there’.

I called them to discuss it further, and they claimed that ‘We have more things to do here’, which is untrue, they have more things that THEY like at their place.

They also claimed that ‘there wasn’t enough seating’ at my sister’s place. Guys she lives on a farm with like 5 acres of land. We can find room for seating.

After a few other excuses, I lost it and said ‘Okay well then at least be honest with yourselves and say that this party is for you and not for her because if it was for her you’d consider what she would like to do’.

That made dad mad and he said ‘for Pete’s sake, I’ll talk to you about this tomorrow. I am tired’ to which I replied ‘we’re all tired dad. you are not the only person that works’… So AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, your parents subscribe to an older belief that parties to celebrate someone’s accomplishments are more for their family than for them.

My parents made me have a college graduation party when I straight-up hate parties so my grandparents and aunts and uncles could be happy, it had nothing to do with me. This is a pretty common thing and you’re right for calling out the fact that it is selfish.” milkywayrealestate

Antoher User Comments:

“NTJ – If you are doing something for someone else, especially to celebrate them, then it should be about what they want, not what you want.

This is something your father and stepmom need to realize. If it was really for your sister, it should be convenient for her and be something she will actually enjoy. My parents are very similar going as far as to be like this even with my own birthday celebrations, and truthfully, I don’t even enjoy my own birthday at all anymore because of it.

Continue supporting your sister’s wishes. It might make them offended, but it’s not about them.” KZWinn

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. They asked you to plan the party. You planned it exactly according to the preferences of the guest of honor. If they don’t want that, they should admit that their own comforts and preferences trump hers, and plan it themselves. Good for you for using good communication. Keep it up.” CindiCharming

6 points - Liked by Pcogale, StumpyOne, ankn and 3 more

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shta 1 year ago
Just do it they way your sister wants it, NOT your parents.
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22. AITJ For Getting Upset When My Partner Didn't Drive Me To Work?


“My partner (27m) and I (25f) live together unofficially, he doesn’t have a place of his own so lives with his parents but he’s always at my house whether I’m there or not. I don’t mind that, I like having him around as opposed to not, but lately, we’ve had some extra stress with finances.

He finished his internship a couple of months ago and didn’t go for a job assuming he would get financial support as he hasn’t finished his full-time studies, finance got denied and he was quite upset about it which I was sympathetic to and I told him I have a steady income so we’d be fine (assuming it was more temporary).

He’s never contributed to rent or utilities even when he had an income but he has a car which I don’t and he would always cover the petrol and food was probably 50/50. Some days he drives me to work in the morning despite not needing to be up that early.

I’ve always appreciated that gesture and it’s never been something I’ve just expected. Sunday night I asked him if I would need to get my own way to work in the morning because I thought he might not want to get up early and he said no no I’ll take you.

Morning rolls around and I was able to get some sleep in because he was going to be driving me when he says ‘can you just get your own way to work today? I’m feeling really tired.’ I snapped a little inside I think.

I wasn’t mad initially just a little disappointed he gave me his word and took it back at the last minute.

He got annoyed with the way I responded and started listing off why it was a hassle, I said why didn’t you consider these things when you told me it would be fine. Also due to him not having money for a while, I was the last one to fill up his car, I pointed that out and said it wasn’t exactly fair I then had to pay extra to get my own way to work when him taking me was one of the things he was doing to give back when I feel like I’m providing everything at the moment.

He called me a brat.

That annoyed me. It wasn’t about being demanding it just felt like a matter of principle with the situation. He ended up insisting on taking me but I still feel crappy about him doing it by this point because things had already gotten a little ugly and it wasn’t about the actual ride it was more about him flaking on something.

He knows I’ve been stressed about relying on my income for the both of us and he has stressed he’s going to get a job soon but I still can’t help but feel like I’m being walked over a bit.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Taken for a ride a bit? Sounds like someone wants a sugar momma.

Changing his mind is testing your boundaries, to see just how much of a free ride he can get from you. He doesn’t get to call you a brat when he is living off you for free.” JoannaRe

Another User Comments:

“OP, you know full well you’re NTJ. Your partner is totally taking advantage of you and the things you are providing for him, but he also doesn’t really want to give anything back.

Time for him to move back with his parents, on a permanent basis. That way, at least you won’t have to pay for his utilities too, and you can instead save up for your own future, or spend something extra on yourself.

You deserve much, much better than this, OP, and he doesn’t appreciate you.

I really hope he actually grows up and learns how to be an adult instead of a leech, but I seriously doubt it, especially if you don’t tell him to leave your place so that you can take a step back and put yourself first. Him calling you a ‘brat’ because you gasp had the nerve to ask for him to keep his promise, and pointed out all your efforts, is beyond ridiculous, and offensive and shows he knows very well what is happening, and aims to manipulate you into feeling guilty for even asking anything of him.

I understand a breakup is so much easier said than done when you’re in love with that other person. However, you have to see things for what they are right now and take care of yourself in the end. Relationships are about both giving and taking, not only giving or only taking.

You don’t need to break up with him immediately, but you do need to think long and hard about whether this relationship is truly balanced and whether the feelings are indeed mutual. Because, really, his behavior shows they aren’t.

I’m sorry OP. I hope you get to resolve this issue and decide what is best for you eventually.” gigithebeaver

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, he’s walking all over you. He had zero to do in the morning, he should have taken you to work. He should be actively looking for a job. He should go back and live with his parents and quit sponging off you.” MissyBee63

5 points - Liked by StumpyOne, ankn, Dopekitty and 2 more

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shta 1 year ago
Dude sure is taking you for a ride! A free ride all on your dime and in your house. Get rid of the bum because I know i would.
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21. AITJ For Refusing To Work On Saturdays?


“So I’m a 23 f working at Bath and Body Works in San Mateo California. I had worked at Bath and Body Works a few months back but our store shut down and most got transferred. I reapplied a few months after as I wanted to find another source of income til then.

I do pet sitting part-time for a company and make pretty good money off of it when I get a client. Most of my clients want me on weekends now with school nearly over. Now pet sitting is part-time, but I wanted extra income, so I reapplied to a different Bath and Body Works.

It was pretty easy to get in. Went in, spoke with the manager, put down availability, and told them I had a second job. No issues at all, I got it, started last week, and was excited to be back as I love the job and the products. I put my availability for the week for my job when I started and left certain days and hours off so I can still do my pet sitting because I make really good money off of it and it’s my other source of income.

Fast forward to yesterday… My boss approached me and told me my schedule no longer works and I must be available on all weekend days (I already offered Friday and Sunday) because ‘it’s unfair when everyone can’t work the same days.’ Well, how is that my fault? Other people have other jobs as well, and if I gain more hours there I lose out on a ton of business and income for my other job.

I need that pet-sitting money too at times cuz its something I love to do and it pays well when I do it (at Bath and Body Works I make 18 an hour but I’m not always working consistent days, with pet-sitting I make 25-30 each day but can make sometimes more with that in a week than at Bath and Body Works).

She said people who won’t do more on weekends she doesn’t continue with them, so it’s either work more there but lose out on my earnings more and probably a ton of business on pet sitting or get fired.

I was not told when hired it’s required to work weekends and no one said anything about my availability, now it’s working full weekends or don’t work at all, even though we knew you have another job to survive and actually praised it.

She gave me a day to think about it, and I was pretty upset.

But am I the butthole here?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, with the central conflict being this, you said you are available two days out of the weekend, your boss is trying to tell you that you don’t get to set a limit and they should be able to schedule the whole weekend.

Really just sounds like you need to quit this job if your boss’s expectation is that she’s allowed to come up to you and tell you you can’t have any boundaries and you’re just supposed to jump.” JCBashBash

Another User Comments:


She’s just trying to bully you so she can schedule you however she wants without regard to your availability. If she fires you for no Saturday availability, she’ll have to replace you with another worker during the rest of the week.

And she doesn’t have anyone else.” teresajs

4 points - Liked by ankn, Morning, lebe and 1 more

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shta 1 year ago
Go above her head, she has a boss and explain your side and what she said to you. Or get ready to look for another or different job.
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20. AITJ For Wanting To Go To Chile For A Week?


“My partner and I have been together for over 3 years. In the beginning, and before we got together I traveled a lot. I sometimes would spend 2 weeks to a month or two on the road. I also went back and forth to a different state often. After we got more serious she told me I couldn’t travel anymore without her and I esp couldn’t go overseas anymore (I went to Asia once for 3 months before we were together).

I told her that I would always take little trips. Mostly road trips with my father, but I wouldn’t do as much traveling, and I wouldn’t be going traveling overseas.

I’ve wanted to get a tattoo sleeve my whole life but haven’t been able to find an artist I like. I’m turning 37 in a week.

I finally found a tattoo artist a couple of years ago, but then he left the country. He’s from Chile and goes back there often. I got back in touch with him and he told me he would give me a good deal as well as take the price of the plane ticket off of the price of the tattoo.

He’s only going back to Chile for a month. I asked my partner if she could go but she doesn’t have a passport, has to work, has no money, etc. I told her I was going to go for a week without her just to get the tattoo but she’s saying she’ll leave me if I do.

I hate cities and don’t want to go to the capital city of Chile. I don’t really see it as traveling. Traveling to me is spending weeks on a motorcycle and seeing the scenery. She says it’s not right for me to go by myself and I shouldn’t be traveling by myself despite her going on her last trip by herself ‘because I wasn’t behaving properly.’

A few days ago she reminded me that she will continue to take trips by herself if I don’t want to travel the way she does.

She likes to go to a tourist area and spend time in a fancy hotel by the ocean. I like to travel scenic roads and camp out in cool places. She has always refused to travel my way because she doesn’t want to sleep outside and doesn’t care about mountains, forests, and cool roads.

I have traveled her way despite not caring about the ocean and disliking hotels. I don’t really care about the ocean but I try to enjoy it and make the best of it. But I appreciate doing things with her. Admittedly I did act like a jerk for a bit on a trip and apologized.

We are currently living 2200 miles away and have been for 6 months. She hasn’t wanted me to go to her lately for various reasons. She gets stressed by the anticipation. She said her therapist agreed I was in the wrong so I’m asking here.

I do understand where she’s coming from to a degree.

She wants a relationship where everything is done together. I’d like that too but I’m not trying to go do a bunch of cool stuff without her. I’m getting a tattoo for a week. She also has a daughter who she says doesn’t like camping. She also does want to see me and gets upset about me not being there but gets stressed and anxious about me going because it upsets her routine and the anticipation bothers her…

I was going to go there but then had to deal with a Dr thing. She feels I should have dealt with it before.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your partner sounds controlling. A major red flag. I would not stop my partner from traveling for no reason at all especially if I knew it was something he enjoyed doing, and did a lot before we got together.

I’d say go get your tattoo! It sounds like an amazing deal, and if she leaves you then good riddance. She can travel alone, but you can’t travel alone? Another HUGE red flag. If her therapist said she was right then she needs a new therapist. Also, you deserve better. I hope your tattoo comes out looking amazing!” loaf1669

Another User Comments:


There are fundamental differences in the way the two of you enjoy your lives.

If this is something that important to you then I think it grounds to think about whether or not you can continue to live your life this way by always following her needs while she frankly doesn’t seem to care at all about yours since she’s pulling the ‘I’m leaving if you go’ card.

Think about whether you are willing to keep sacrificing your desires for hers.

It’s less about the tattoo here and much more about the differences you guys have in what seems to be a very important aspect of your life. Your partner should be supportive of you as you have always enjoyed traveling and have been wanting to get this tattoo for years now, but she’s instead turning it into a problem, do you really want this to continue? I’m not one to reach out to break up whenever there’s an issue, but sometimes there are some fundamental differences in the way people live a life that just doesn’t work together.

Choose what will make you happier in the long run.” teodora19-99

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but your partner is behaving in a controlling and manipulative manner both of which are huge red flags. And that’s before we get into the hypocrisy of her ‘jealousy’ which honestly comes across as narcissistic since she is using it to try and control the people you interact with even on a superficial basis. I would suggest going on your trip and couples counseling when you return. Opposites may attract initially but it takes a lot of work and compromise from both people to keep these relationships on a solid positive footing.” Grannywine

4 points - Liked by StumpyOne, ankn, jessi39mae and 1 more

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Morning 1 year ago
This does not sound like much of a relationship to me. You have to travel with her and her way or no travel for you.... but she gets to go on vacation without you. She lives over 2000 miles away and is to anxious for you to visit her. I'd say go and if she breaks up with you.... not much of a loss.
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19. AITJ For Prioritizing My Friend Over Family?


“I bought my house a year ago after living in it with my nephew’s SO and children for a year. They were supposed to move out after the school year. There was no rush. In November of 2021, they decided to buy a house. They finally agreed on one in February.

I kept asking the girl if she was sure she was moving out since I would be getting a roommate to help offset the bills. They both assured me they would be moving forward.

My friend that is going to be my roommate needed to give 30 days’ notice at his place so I asked the kids (34) and (36) one last time in March if they were sure what they were doing so my friend could give notice.

They said yes. My friend gave notice on March 31st for April 30th. The kids both bought new cars and their deal fell through. My family believes I should tell my friend sorry but family comes first. They are saying I’m putting family on the street. On top of it, they only pay for the electricity and internet so basically have lived here for free.

AITJ for thinking my obligation is to the friend who has to vacate his rental by May 1st?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, their stupidity in buying new cars while trying to buy a home is on them. Almost everyone knows you cannot take on new debt while trying to secure a mortgage. This is completely on them and they need to figure it out.

Sounds like they just want to keep taking advantage of the cheap place to live and do not care at all that they are using you.” Lady_Ellie119

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Leaches are going to have a new person to live with. Eviction time, make sure you do it by the books to get them out.

As they didn’t pay rent you could argue that they need to pay you back for that and if not they can duck off. And your family needs to keep their busybody noses to themselves and open their home for them. It doesn’t even read that they are family but your nephew’s partner’s kids.

(Not his?). If so not your monkeys, not your circus.” EspressoWolf

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, you asked multiple times if they were sure and they said yes. I understand family comes first but they are basically living with you for free!

Look you gave your word to your friend, not only that they put in their 30-day notice, it would be really messed up if you told your friend to find somewhere else to live, in that case, you would be a little bit of a jerk. It’s a tough situation it sucks, I’m sorry I hope you work something out. Maybe those relatives who feel so strongly can take them in for a bit until they find a new place to live.” Chantalle22

3 points - Liked by Breezer2800, StumpyOne and ankn

18. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be My Brother's Guardian?


“When I (now 26) was 11 my dad left me and my mom for another woman. He had a child with her named Nathan. I have never met my half-sibling and I’m an adult now and Nathan is 14. His mom eventually left my dad and is in prison for substance-related offenses.

My dad passed away and now Nathan has no family. My dad put it in his will that I am now Nathan’s guardian.

I refused and the caseworker looked at me like I was a total piece of work. I rent with roommates and I work about 50 hours a week so I don’t even have time to raise my half-brother.

The caseworker said that my brother was excited to move to California where I live but I told her it’s not going to happen and you shouldn’t have even told him that.

My mom agrees with me that I’m in no place to raise a kid but some of my relatives are acting like I am a monster because I’m not helping my brother out.

It’s not my fault that my dad left no other options for him and he has to go into the system. I don’t feel like I am even in any place to help him out at this point in my life.”

Another User Comments:


You’re right, you’re not in a position to care for a child who is a stranger in every way.

Particularly a kid who imagines that moving to California will somehow be a wonderful outcome for him, and who will only be disappointed, if you said yes, to find himself in a cramped apartment with adult roommates who must be respected.

I would note that, if you just accept custody, as far as the government and social services are concerned, you’re on your own.

However, if you were a foster parent, first you’d have to be evaluated to see if your home is fit (and it isn’t) and you’d also get money, medical insurance for the boy, etc.

Did your father ask you if you agreed to be a guardian? Did he know your circumstances?

If he never discussed this with you, you’ve never met the child, and he didn’t know your circumstances, then you can back up your position by pointing this out – he was not making an informed decision, perhaps not even thinking clearly at the time he wrote this will.

Did he leave any resources, at all, to support his child? A trust, for example? Would it be enough to make this financially possible?

You’re just as much of a stranger as a foster parent who has been evaluated to be providing an appropriate home, and who has regular follow-ups with social services to ensure the child’s ongoing safety.

But they seem willing to drop the child off with you, a complete stranger, and wash their hands of the situation.

Plus, he’d be living with your roommates. Have they had background checks or was any care taken to know if they’re safe to be around a young child? You had no reason to check such things out before, and don’t have the resources to do so now.

If one of them turns out to be a creep, you’d be blamed.

Stand your ground on this. There are better options than your half-brother being left with you without any outside support.

(Legally, the process for appointing a guardian for your child in case you die should be more than just writing it in your will.

It should be a form that the potential guardian would have to sign, and that would need to be re-signed, say, every three years. Or at least a notarized statement from the guardian, attached to the will, saying they accept this responsibility.)

Finally, remind your relatives that they are his relatives, too, through you.

Some of them must be in a better position to help, and if they don’t like the idea of foster care, they could step up, rather than pushing the child into your very unsuitable home.” Jazzlike_Humor3340

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, your dad was a massive jerk and never should have named you guardian without your consent.

But I think it might be worth it to try contacting your brother personally and making sure he’s hearing the true narrative because at this point I wouldn’t trust that caseworker to deliver any message after she told him he was going to live with you without talking to you first.

He’s fourteen and has obviously had a decent amount of trauma in his life and this is going to be yet another thing to go wrong. He deserves to hear that it’s not that you don’t want him (regardless of if that’s true or not, he doesn’t deserve to think it).

Explain that you’re renting with roommates and are working 50 hrs/week and simply aren’t in a position to provide him a stable environment to continue growing in. It’s not your fault your father left you, but it’s not your brother’s fault either. I know it shouldn’t be your responsibility to handle this and that sucks so massively.” Substantial-Lake-302

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, being listed as a guardian in a will is in no way enforceable and your father should have gained your consent before even putting it in his will.

The case worker was also absolutely wrong for telling your half-brother he was going to live with you before making sure you would assume guardianship. Why haven’t the caseworkers asked other family to see if there was someone there to assume guardianship?

You have admitted you can in no way care for your brother, and it’s not wrong for being unable or unwilling to do so.

You are a literal stranger to him, why would they want him living with you, ‘bEcAuSe of FaMiLy?’ No.

All those family members who are trying to start drama? How many of them have put their hand up and said they can or will take him? I’ll bet 0 have.” Lunavixen15

3 points - Liked by Breezer2800, StumpyOne and ankn

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Pcogale 1 year ago
NTJ - you're actually not in a position to be a surrogate father for a brother that you have never met.

The kid likely has a lot of trauma with what's happened in his life and would likely need a lot of boundaries and guidance. He's 14 and a teenager. Most teenagers don't like either boundaries or expectations. He probably thinks he's going to move in with a cool older brother who will let him to anything he likes and you'll have no expectations of him so no wonder he wants to move in with you.

As for the judgemental family... they know him. Why aren't they putting their hand up. Is the kid a handful and they actually are sick of him and don't want the responsibility? That's something to consider.

He may actually be hard to place in foster care because of his age. He may not be a compliant kid but one with issues. Often kids like this end up in a group home because there are no other options.

The social worker is cranky because they now have work to do. They were hoping for an easy resolution. They aren't getting it. And that's not your fault or your problem.
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17. AITJ For Not Bringing My Sister Shorts?


“I (F,20) live at home with my parents and sister (F,17) since my college classes are currently online. My sister is one of the meanest people I know – she calls me slurs on a daily basis, she was particularly mean to me the night before this, so I could 100% be biased in the way I handled the situation.

Feel free to rip me apart and humble me if see fit.

Today the temperature hit 70°, which my sister knew would as she’s been talking about it all week. It’s Monday and I spend my mornings logged into online class from 8:00-11:00 am.

Around 9:00 am my mom texts me asking me to stop by my sister’s school and drop off a pair of shorts.

I would still be in class for another two hours so I tell her that I can’t.

Then my sister calls yelling that I absolutely NEED to bring her a very specific pair of shorts and that she can’t take off her hoodie unless she has this pair of shorts. I basically repeat the same thing I told my mom and she hangs up.

My mom texts me again saying that she’s going to leave work to bring my sister the shorts. My sister LOVES to cut class – my parents know and don’t do anything about it. She has one truancy letter already and if she gets two more then the school won’t let her graduate.

She threatened my mom that she would cut class if she didn’t get the shorts.

My mom begs me to slip the shorts to my sister through the school fence so that she won’t get another cut on her record. I’m also still in class at this point and will be for another hour and a half so I really can’t do it.

My class is moving to breakout rooms so I tell my mom I have to go and we end the call.

My sister calls me yelling again. It turns out she had her PE shorts with her, but she couldn’t take off her hoodie because the shirt she was wearing ‘didn’t match the shorts’ and because ‘the shorts were too long’.

At this point, I’m absolutely dumbfounded. she hangs up on me after ranting.

When my class ends I still feel nauseous so I decide to lay down for a bit when I’m woken up by the front door being shaken off its hinges and the sideyard gate being kicked into oblivion. It turns out my sister threatened my mom enough that she called the front office to excuse her from class (so it didn’t count as a cut) and she decided to hop the side gate into the backyard because I had the front door locked while I was asleep.

Her ‘PE shorts’ were actually a pair of $100 lululemon shorts which she decided didn’t fit her outfit halfway through the school day.

I honestly feel bad for making my mom go through all of that while she was at work. I gladly run errands for my parents all the time. This was one of the first times I’ve ever denied an errand.

If I would’ve sucked it up and delivered the shorts I would’ve saved my mom a whole lot of stress. I honestly don’t know if I was in the right or wrong to stand my ground and deny my sister. She still got her way and I caused my mom a lot of worry in the process.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ, your sister is both manipulative and narcissistic. You did not stress your mom out, she did it to herself by continuing to enable your sister instead of allowing your sister to face the consequences of her actions. From now on when you’re in class, turn your phone off.

And establish boundaries with both your parents and your sister so that in future they know you will not be enabling either side in their dysfunction.” Grannywine

Another User Comments:


Your sister is a ridiculous brat. Even if you weren’t in class, it’s up to her to handle her outfits for the day.

The fact that she actually had shorts but was unwilling to take off her hoodie for fashion purposes, and that she’s willing to cut class and threaten her chances of graduation… yeah, she needs help.” Defiant-Historian800

Another User Comments:

“Honestly, your sister sounds like a piece of work. And your parents asking you to cut class so she doesn’t? Sounds to me like she was looking for an excuse to cut class and is trying to ditch responsibility for her actions.

‘Look what you made her do.’ God no, not bringing weather-appropriate clothing is definitely her own fault – except of course if mommy still dresses her in the morning. And not being able to take off her hoodie in warm weather because her shorts wouldn’t match? Is she at school or a fashion show? Sure, feeling comfortable in your clothes is important, but she’s definitely old enough to not act like a fashion-obsessed toddler – I mean which (almost) adult throws a fit over shorts not matching a shirt?” salinedrip-iV

2 points - Liked by StumpyOne and ankn

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jessi39mae 1 year ago
Ntj op and I if I were you I’d be setting more boundaries when it comes to your jerk of a sister. If she can’t respect you as a person and her sister and throws a tantrum to get her way then you are not obligated to bail her out especially when you have your own schooling to attend to!! Your mom needs to stop enabling your sister and teach her that actions have consequences and in the real world people won’t bow to your sisters demands and tantrums. Time for her to grow up!! Sorry you have to deal with that op!
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16. AITJ For Calling Two Strangers Fat?


“I am a fat woman. I’m okay with the term fat and personally believe that it’s a good thing to de-stigmatize the word and reclaim it as a neutral adjective instead of an insult. anyway, I was in my university shop, shopping for merch, I always have a tough time finding cute clothes that fit my body, and usually, the cuter hoodies don’t fit me (they’re too small) and I was able to fit into a cute pink cropped hoodie in their biggest size because it was really oversized! I jumped with happiness I was so excited.

I was really overjoyed and when I walked away, I looked over and saw two bigger girls that were looking at the hoodies, I went over, and since I was so excited that they were big enough to fit, I thought they would be excited about it too. I went over and asked if they were looking at the hoodies and mentioned that they fit me and that I thought it would be helpful info to know since ‘you’re fat’.

One of the women I was talking to, got really upset that I had said that, saying (in a harsh tone) that I approached it incorrectly, which I agree with, and that people don’t like that word or being described like that. I felt bad and left the exchange crying, I usually don’t refer to people like that but instead, call myself fat (in a positive way) and just use the term ‘plus size’.

I came out of the situation feeling so embarrassed and upset, I would never intentionally use that word to upset and hurt someone.

Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. I am fat, and I also use the word fat as a neutral word to describe myself. I also want to destigmatize it.

Unfortunately, we live in a world that is not up to speed with us yet, so many people still take the word fat as an insult. Additionally, many people do use the word fat as an insult. My guess (from personal experience) is that these two people have been called fat as an insult before, so they interpret the word as insulting.

This is a word that you have to be extremely careful with right now.” 19scohen

Another User Comments:

“Gentle YTJ. Just because you’ve come to terms with your body and you’re comfortable with yourself doesn’t mean everyone else is. I was just imagining how devastating hearing this must have been. Word choice and phrasing matter.

I would have said something like, ‘The hoodies in that section are really cute and have a comfortable fit!’ or whatever, they would have gotten the picture. If you’re going to convey information like this you need to be scrupulously careful about how you say it, or maybe to be safer, just say nothing at all.” DigDugDogDun

Another User Comments:

“Soft YTJ.

You made a lot of effort to change this word’s meaning for yourself, so you clearly meant no harm in using it. But then again, as they were not close people you knew had been through the same path, it was a little insensitive to assume they would be at the same place of healing as you are. Sometimes our paths are just… different. But don’t beat yourself for it.” kiwiparallels

2 points - Liked by StumpyOne and ankn

15. AITJ For Refusing To Wear The Bridesmaid Dress?


“My (29f) sister (34f) got married last year. She turned into something of a bridezilla but I went along with it, one because I live across the country from her so I only had to take her in small doses & two because I knew how important the wedding was to her.

I flew into town so we could find my bridesmaids dress, I let her pick the dress & I paid for it & thought that was that. Then a few months later she decided she wanted me to wear something different, I couldn’t fly out again so I just sent my measurements & told her to pick what she liked, and again I paid for the dress.

A few months later I flew in for her bridal shower & we went by the bridal shop to try on & pick up the dress. It was huge on me, I’m usually a size 2 or 4 depending on the brand and this dress was a size 6. I looked the dress up online & the measurements I sent would have been a size 2.

I told my sister it was fine & I’d bring the dress back home with me & have my tailor alter it to fit correctly. My sister then freaked out saying I wasn’t allowed to take the dress on the plane nor was I to alter it because ‘I was just going to look like a floozy if I did’.

I told her she chose the dress, I just wanted it to fit properly & I could still wear the original dress if she preferred. She refused & told me I had to wear the new dress with no alterations. I said I’m sorry but I refuse to wear something in front of our entire extended family where tons of photos will be taken that doesn’t fit, and obviously looks like it doesn’t fit.

She ended up sending me a long text telling me she always knew I was selfish and awful but never knew I was this bad and that I was kicked out of the wedding party & that she would be blocking my number so don’t bother trying to respond. She wanted to disinvite me from the wedding but my mother refused since she & my father was paying for everything.

My sister ended up being so mean to my mom on the day of the wedding my mom was in tears but hid it from the rest of the family. It’s now been over a year since her wedding and my sister still has me blocked & aside from pleasantries on holidays doesn’t acknowledge I exist.

She also hasn’t forgiven my mom for ‘taking my side & allowing me to come to the wedding’. So all of this over a dress, I feel awful as I didn’t think it would end up being this big of a deal and I especially feel bad for my mom who has to deal with both of us.”

Another User Comments:

“Absolutely NTJ.

Your sister sounds incredibly entitled and jealous. From the comments she made about you looking like a floozy she’s clearly very insecure and most likely got the wrong measurements on the dress on purpose. If she’s petty enough to block you over a dress then she obviously doesn’t value you as a sister and no-contact is probably the way to go.” tastysoupspicycarrot

Another User Comments:


It sounds like your sister has deeper issues with you and intentionally was trying to make you look bad. It could even be on top or instead of childhood/growing up stuff her now husband may have made a passing (likely innocent) remark at some point in their relationship about your looks or a small size (in a positive way), so your sister was trying to humiliate you in front of him.

Question – is your sister a size 2/4 as well?

I just have an inkling the ‘blocking’ you is about (in her mind) keeping you away from her husband.” Traditional_Curve401

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your sister appears to have intentionally chosen a dress that she knew would not fit you in a deliberate attempt to make you look worse on her wedding day.

Tailoring dresses to fit appropriately is a normal and common part of special occasion wear… Unless you have a history of intentionally getting dresses tailored to be super skimpy (in which case, she should have offered to go with you to get it tailored) her reaction was truly bizarre.” DinaFelice

2 points - Liked by StumpyOne and ankn

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Pcogale 1 year ago
Your sister has major issues and I hope she gets help with them. I hope your parents don't enable her either.

The dress sizing was deliberate. Your sister is very insecure. I get your side completely. However what might have been worse for your sister was to actually wear the dress and have it look so bad that it ruined the whole look of the wedding (and the photos - natural consequences). And I would be open with saying your sister submitted the wrong measurements to the dressmaker and refused to let you adjust it which is why it looks so bad.
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14. AITJ For Not Going To My Partner's House?


“I (19 M) just declined my SO (20 F) as she kept offering that I should stay at her house and give her company. As much as I would like to, it’s impossible for me to go as I do my academics on a personal computer and have multiple meetings regarding classwork today.

I would like to highlight that this week is the week before a busy week. So as much as possible I want to finish all or at least half of my pending school work so I can rest early.

An hour ago, my SO and I talked (part of our morning routine before class) and I mentioned that I don’t have any live classes today, therefore I’ll be free but I would use my time to do all my assignments and help with household chores.

She then started offering that I should go to her house and keep her company. Maybe at least give her cuddles and do my work there. I replied that I’m busy and already laid out a schedule. I thought that it won’t be necessary to commute there as we would be seeing each other in 2 days and we spent plenty of time together last week.

Apparently, she took it negatively and hung up on me. I am now currently receiving the silent treatment.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ. This is a no-win situation bruh. She might take offense but this is your studies, your money, and your future. If you get all the hard stuff out the way now you can chill later on.

I don’t know how your SO is but it’s possible that if you go there, she will end up demanding more of your attention than you can give, or you’ll end up giving her more attention than you have, either way, you miss out on your studies.

And if you don’t you’ll seem like you’re ignoring her, I can already see people questioning if you even want to be with her.

Some will not care that you have scheduled plans they only care that you are choosing to study vs hanging out now. You might have to compromise and give her some time and then come back home to study for a bit.” AsuraRathalos

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, take care of your studies and chores. The faster and better of job you do at those the more time you would have to spend with her and less you would have to stress about assignments/tests/housework.” Ajlover13

2 points - Liked by StumpyOne and ankn

13. AITJ For Not Wanting My Friend To Know My Address?


“I (17f), have 2 friends who we’ll call ‘Adam’ (17m) and ‘Stefan’ (16m). A few months ago, Stefan decided to try to find out where I live. I kept telling him not to, but he kept going until he found my living area. This wouldn’t have been the first time he did something creepy, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last.

He takes screenshots of everything, and before he met me in real life, he shared my social media page with everyone and tried to look for my school when I refused to give a ‘face reveal’. He decided to make a spreadsheet of all his friends’ info, and some of it included really personal things such as relationships with other people.

And he does/says all this like it’s something to be proud of.

The address thing was what really got me. Here’s the thing. I don’t like giving out my address to ppl unless I’m 100% sure that I see a possibility of them going to my house for any reason, from school projects to a simple invitation to a bday party.

But Stefan isn’t one of those people. I don’t go to the same school that Stefan does and my parents don’t want me to have any guy friends as well as other reasons I’m not gonna get into. They’re extremely strict about that rule. I often have to hide my interactions with my guy friends from them.

So inviting either Adam or Stefan is out of the question.

I’ve called Stefan out time and time again that what he did wasn’t right. But whenever I try to call him out, it’s like talking to a brick wall. His ‘reasons’ range from ‘I like to collect data’ (personal data isn’t good) to ‘I may need to go to your house for x reason’ (LOL no you’re not).

And he’s completely shameless about it. And it’s not like he doesn’t know why I can’t invite him. I told him before that my parents are really strict.

Yesterday was Adam’s bday. Adam asked if I could come, but I reminded him about how my parents literally don’t want us to be friends.

And it turned out I couldn’t come either way since I had 2 tests to study for today. While I was studying, Stefan texted me, saying that apparently, Adam’s mother approves of it. Here’s the transcript:

Stefan: Adam’s mother said that me knowing your birthday and address is thoughtful and kind.

Me: Okay bday is fine but the address? I didn’t give you permission.

Stefan: In case I need to go to someone’s house.

Me: You’re never gonna go to my house. So you don’t need my address.

Stefan: Adam’s mother thought it was nice of me.

Me: By the way, address isn’t something a lot of people give right off the bat. Still, it’s creepy. I bet she wouldn’t approve if it was without consent.

Stefan: She said it was fine though.

Me: It’s really not.

I don’t know if what he said was true or not but apparently, he took it as a validation to keep doing so despite my discomfort. But if what he said was true and Adam’s mother sees nothing wrong with it, then I guess I’m just overreacting about it.

So tell me, AITJ for not approving of this?”

Another User Comments:


He is an absolute psycho. Trust me, this is stalker behavior. Being this way at 16, imagine what that could turn into as he gets older and ballsier.

Do yourself a favor and tell your parents. He could be potentially dangerous and getting in ‘trouble’ with your parents is really not as big of a deal as we think when we’re young.

Yes, they’re strict, and yes they probably punish you in ways that make your life suck now, but they want to protect you from people like Stefan. Let them.

Also, him saying Adam’s mom said it’s kind means nothing except he wants you to think it’s kind. It’s not. It’s a red flag the size of the universe.

When people say ‘I’m this way, I’m that way. I’m nice, I don’t like drama, etc.’ it’s because they want you to think they’re good people without having to actually be good people. Never trust what people TELL you about themselves, only trust what they consistently SHOW you over a long period of time.” ButteryButtholeBros

Another User Comments:


If you don’t like giving out your address, that’s the end of the discussion.

Nobody else’s opinion matters. Not Stefan’s and certainly not Adam’s mother’s, especially since she shouldn’t have been brought into the conversation at all.

Stefan needs to learn to respect the fact that different people have different boundaries about what they consider private and that it’s wrong & creepy to ignore those preferences.

He honestly sounds more OCD or ASD than malignantly stalkerish but his motivation doesn’t make a difference in your right to whatever degree of privacy you want.” rapt2right

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s not up to Adam’s mom to decide if it’s okay, it’s up to you. His behavior is quite alarming. Maybe you should distance yourself from him? His obsessive behavior might snowball into something worse, especially considering he insists he is right every time you call him out. You can and should call him out, but I honestly don’t think he would change his mind.” PeachMangoPiRSquared

2 points - Liked by StumpyOne and ankn

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ankn 1 year ago
NTJ Stefan is a stalker, and may escalate. He might show up on your doorstep, or worse, and I fear what your anti-boyfriends parents will do if that happens. Would they beat you? Try to push you into an early, unwanted marriage? Dump Stefan and block him everywhere you can. Consuider saving his conversations in a very safe place, in case your parents find him at your home or this mess ends up in court. The messages would show that you were in contact with a boy against your parents' wishes, alas, but would also show that you didn't invite him over, didn't want him to know where you live.
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12. AITJ For Cutting A Friend Off?


“My friend group consists of 2 girls (me and my best friend) and 3 guys (the toxic friend, my now-significant other, and the non-confrontational, slightly autistic friend, he’s super sweet). My best friend only joined the group 3 years ago, and I and the guys were the ‘geek’ group in school ever since we met, which was about 8 years ago.

Video games were a way to escape reality for us, so we played together pretty much every evening.

The dude I’m talking about had a pretty rough situation at home with his parents being emotionally absent, we knew he was pretty unhappy with himself and didn’t want him to be an outcast in school.

He’s a bully though. He pretty much only targeted his friends, and made fun of my friend’s autism and my SO’s weight. He seemed to target all the insecurities, in my case my very thick eyebrows and some other stuff. We called him out sometimes, he would apologize, but two days later it’d be the same snarky comments.

In recent years, he got more toxic and was being pretty aggressive over little things, like whenever he lost online games because we weren’t taking the game seriously enough. His parents divorced and his grades declined, and although he’s athletic and good-looking, no crush of his ever stayed more than a couple of weeks, and he is lonely.

We knew all that and still tried to be nice to him even though we were all slowly moving away from him.

Years later, we are still the only people who talk to him, he now resorts to drinking and smoking in the evenings. We all feel bad for him, but he’s still toxic and gets angry as soon as we suggest that we play different games for once, he only likes LoL (League of Legends) and is very toxic while playing, so obviously we don’t want to play it a lot.

A week ago things went down when he accused us of purposefully losing his game to spite him, and when I told him that we (my SO and I) were just having a bad game, he yelled: ‘IT’S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU, OP, IT IS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!’ I basically said ok, I’m done here, I’m not taking any more of this.

The other two friends there agreed and left with me.

We haven’t spoken since. He has had different bios in his discord profile, for example, ‘you don’t need enemies if you have friends like these’ or ‘karma’s out for blood’, stuff like that. He also texted a few other friends asking if they wanted to play with him, and they told him that they were playing with us already.

He got pretty annoyed again, and told them stuff like ‘oh yes I’m not elite enough for y’all’.

With the exception of the non-confrontational guy pretty much no one plays with him anymore. I feel very bad about this, especially since he had a collapsed lung recently and is still recovering, and now he has no friends to support him in this.

So, AITJ for leaving him and pulling my friends with me?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. He is reaping the results of his own behavior. You should not stay in an abusive friendship just because his life is sad. He is a trashy person and maybe some distance will let him reflect on himself at some point. Either way, you gave everyone permission to free themselves from his tyranny. Be glad and prioritize yourself over someone who cannot be bothered to prioritize you or care about the effects of their behavior.” Excellent_Airline315

2 points - Liked by StumpyOne and ankn

11. AITJ For Selling My Partner's Gaming Cards?


“My partner was a Yugioh player, he kind of played a lot but then recently he began giving up more and more until he basically quit it. He told me that he wants to completely quit and that he’s making an effort, he didn’t play Yugioh for like a year ago but keeps his cards anyway.

Anyway, to help him completely quit 100% playing, I tried selling his cards and decks. He had many cards (Ash Blossom, Dark Magician, hand traps… etc) many expensive cards that can get good money and I bought a gift for him to congratulate him for getting over this childish hobby and this children’s card game, I bought him an expensive smartwatch.

He was very happy but then he discovered that his cards are missing, I told him what happened and he WAS FURIOUS oh my god, I told him that he always tells me that he wants to quit playing this children’s card game and I helped him do the effort by getting rid of stuff he doesn’t need.

He started crying and said that I shouldn’t have done this to his cards. He even threw the smart watch I bought away. I don’t understand, why would he keep the cards if he already quit. And I even bought him a smartwatch, he should have been more clear about it because it’s so confusing.


Another User Comments:

“YTJ. While you may view yourself as helping someone get over a phase in their life, you should never sell someone else’s property without their explicit permission. Some people too keep the cards as sentimental value and perhaps to pass down someday, I still have my Pokemon cards even though I never play it anymore.” millipedetamer

Another User Comments:


You took someone else’s property and sold it without permission. Of course he’s mad. Doesn’t matter if he had stated a desire to stop playing the game. Maybe he wanted to hold onto his collection. Maybe it had monetary or sentimental value to him. And maybe you need to stop making decisions about what’s appropriate for other people to like.” Moonchaser70

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, they are his cards, what you did is called stealing.

You stole his cards and got rid of them. They are something he has put a lot of time, and effort into, and spent a lot on, but all that you took them and sold them because you thought you were doing the right thing. You need to replace all those cards, the money you got you need to give back and get them back.

He actually could report you for stealing.

If he came on here asking for advice people would tell him he needs to demand you get them back or replace them, and they will tell him if you can’t then he can get you for theft. This isn’t just a little thing, this could have some serious fallout, your relationship now is going to be in jeopardy.

Hope selling them was worth risking your relationship because now it’s up to you to fix what you totally messed up.

It’s no longer about a childish hobby or a kid’s game, he had a nice collection of cards, which one day could have been passed on to his own son if he ever was to have one. Why would you think selling someone’s collection is okay? If you had a jewelry collection or art collection and he sold it would it be okay?” Awkward_Joke_5748

2 points - Liked by designatednomad69, ankn and NeidaRatz

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StormyLuck78 1 year ago
Quitting gaming or not, YTJ!!! ONG do you have ANY idea how much work it took to find those cards?! You likely didn't even get a good chunk of change for them, since all you bought was a dang Smartwatch. Of course he's upset, I would be too! Not to mention, YOU TOOK HIS PERSONAL PEOPERTY AND SOLD IT. If he were a junkie & sold your TV, wouldn't you be furious, too? What you call childish is something precious to him. This also tells me you're not a gamer and you never have been, or you'd understand his upset Shame on you! I'd try to get the cards back, but good luck. Look up the cat of Dark Magician in good condition and you'll get it! He needs to get away from you before you do him any more thingy.
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10. AITJ For Asking For Too Much Payment?


“I (24, F) don’t have a job for a couple of months. I worked a seasonal job for a while since I had a hard time finding a job, but with me moving in a couple of months to a different state due to my husband’s job, I was able to secure a job that will start 2 weeks after the move with decent pay/benefits.

My husband told me he had a coworker who was in need of a babysitter for a few months as she just got put on a later shift and her old babysitter has been flaking on her recently. He asked me to consider it since he liked his coworker and wanted to help them, and since I had no job at the moment, it can bring in some extra income.

I don’t have a lot of experience babysitting kids, only in high school when I looked after two toddlers a few times.

But, I decided to at least call and see about it. I spoke to the mother, and she informed me that she had 4 kids, aged 7-10 years old. It would be a 10hr shift from 2 pm-10 pm and it’d be over the course of 2 months (ranging 30-40hrs a week) until she got onto a different shift.

She said that I would pick them up from the bus stop, make sure they do their homework, I can cook them whatever they had in the kitchen for dinner and that they’d need to be put to bed.

Already, I’m thinking that’s a lot for someone with not much experience, so I did inform her of that which she didn’t seem to mind.

The only thing that wasn’t mentioned was the pay. She said she had no idea what to pay me and asked me to come up with a price.

I had spoken to my SIL who has a lot of experience with babysitting, and I asked her about it. I gave her the details of my responsibilities, and she said to look up to get a gauge but that she had worked $12 for an infant.

So that’s what I did. I figured with 4 kids, and working 10hr shifts to ensure the kids did their homework, I cook them dinner, possibly need to bathe them if they can’t themselves, and get them ready for bed (and all the in-between of looking after kids)… $20/hr would be a good starting price and if that wasn’t accepted, I could go down to $18 or $16 due to my inexperience.

Well, I talked to the mother and she said she’s very shocked I asked for $20/hr and would need to discuss it with her husband about it. I offered, even down to $16 but she said she’ll have to speak to her husband as she claimed she ‘doesn’t even get paid that much’.

Now, I’m debating on just refusing to even babysit. I don’t know exactly how much she makes, but I know for sure she makes more than my husband who makes $21/hr and her husband works too. I feel like I’m being taken advantage of, and I don’t really need this job.

It was just out of goodwill.

My husband thinks it’s still extra funds and wonders if I’m just asking for too much payment, and my MIL said maybe try going down to $14/hr. Now I feel like I may have been a jerk for suggesting too much and telling the mother I wouldn’t budge past $16/hr.

AITJ for possibly asking for too much and not willing to budge down past $16/hr?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I would not babysit 4 kids in that age range – they will be a total handful and being asked to cook, feed them, bathe them (or make sure they bathe themselves), and get them to bed.

$20/hour is a steal! And yes, it may be a lot and chew up most of her salary, but that’s the cost of childcare. And that’s a lot of work to do for less even if you wanted to be friendly and helpful.

In my area, 2 kids are $15/hr and additional kids are anywhere from $3-8 more per hour per kid.

You should not budge less than $16/hr because that is a LOT of work – it’s not like you’re there after they are asleep and will be watching TV. You will be on the go from 2 until at least 9, and I bet she expects you to clean up after dinner and do the dishes too, so that will take you until 10 pm! I’m the mom of 2 kids and have had to pay for childcare so I know what I’m talking about.” Canning-mama-1998

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here.

She said to give her a price, and you did. She said she’ll have to talk to her husband first and hasn’t yet gotten back to you. She’s made it clear that, just like you, she doesn’t know what a reasonable price for this level of babysitting is, so it would make sense that she would want to talk to her husband about financial decisions she’s unsure about.

Wait for her to get back to you and see what she says.” GlassSandwich9315

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Babysitting pay is an average of 21 dollars an hour where I live (KS) so that sounds about right. My daughter makes 14 an hour as a mother’s helper (mom is at home but needs kids out of hair, my daughter makes no meals nor is she responsible for medical emergencies or homework). I make 21 an hour tutoring! You need to cook and do bedtime too? She will find someone else or come back and say yes to you.” KSknitter

1 points - Liked by ankn

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mima 1 year ago
Professional nannies get about $20 an hour not someone that's just babysitting for a friend. If you work at a daycare center you'd have up to 20 kids by yourself for $13 an hour.
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9. AITJ For Refusing To Dance At My Cousin's Quinceañera?


“I (15m) was asked by my cousin to be a chambelan (a person, usually a part of a group, that dances the waltz and a few other dances halfway through the party with the one being celebrated) for her 15th birthday party at a big family gathering. I have severe social anxiety and because these kinds of parties are a really important part of our culture, it usually means that the party will have ~200 guests.

I’m not too keen on the idea of dancing in front of such a large group of people, so I told her no. She got upset and then proceeded to tell my mom about it.

My mom got also got really upset about it and she asked me the same question but in front of my entire family, trying to pressure me into saying yes.

I still said no, and I started hyperventilating after noticing that everyone was probably staring at me. Now for the last two weeks or so, everyone in my family has been nagging and guilt-tripping me into saying yes. Eventually, my mom told me that if I really loved her, I would do this for her.

I don’t really want to disappoint my mom, but I really don’t want to dance in front of such a large group of people. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Don’t do it if you’re not comfortable no matter what other people say. Tons of people will be watching you and they will probably record it as well.

This might make you a bit more anxious and it’s not worth it.” iwantfrys

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, if they saw you hyperventilating and still treat you like this then they need to shove it.

At the same time, being nervous in front of others is really common for folks, and it’s something that can be practiced and prepared for.

I used to be like you until I took a specific course on this in college and it was like night and day.” the_mike_c

Another User Comments:


You’re allowed to establish boundaries for things that make you uncomfortable. Maybe you can offer to do something else for the Quinceañera like help to set up or make food or get her a nice gift so that your cousin knows that you still care about her and aren’t declining to dance because of her.” calicloak

1 points - Liked by ankn

8. WIBTJ If I Confront My Sister For Outing Me?


“About 7 months ago my 18-year-old sister figured out that I (19) was part of the LGBTQ+ community and questioned me in the car about it, I came clean and told her that I was and she was fine with it, which really shocked me because she is a big time republican.

Last week though I found out that she told my 17-year-old sister that I was LGBTQ+ when she yelled at her about making homophobic comments and making fun of the gay kids because ‘it makes your sister feel unloved and unsafe.’ I’m happy she stood up for me but I’m super upset she outed me to my sister like that as my sister (17f) has always been super bigoted and mean.

I’m worried she told other people as I don’t know how my parents would react if they found out, but what she did was a nice thing I think. So WIBTJ if I confronted her about it?

(Also not disclosing what part of LGBTQ+ I am just for privacy’s sake)”

Another User Comments:


Confront is a charged word. Due to the fact that she pushed you to out yourself (to her) to show her support, I think it’s ignorance instead of malice or disregard. Clear the air, explain how you felt when she outed you to your sister, and that you need her to keep it to herself.

I hope you are able to stay safe.” flaky-burnt

Another User Comments:

“You wouldn’t be the jerk, but I’m somewhat worried for your safety and mental health.

Maybe a confrontation isn’t what you need here. Maybe you need to tell her that being out puts you at risk, and creates additional stress for you.

And hopefully, she’ll understand what she did and why defending you like that isn’t necessarily a defense.” DementedJay

Another User Comments:

“You would not be the jerk for talking to your sister about your concern. It doesn’t have to be a confrontation, it can just be a discussion.

Know that your parents, and all of your siblings, are going to learn not just that you’re part of the LGBTQ+ community, but specifically where you fall in that rainbow.

The only way they wouldn’t find out would be if you didn’t get to find love and live your life to its fullest potential happiness.

They will know, and if you’ve got fears that they may take away financial support, then waiting until you are fully independent, makes a lot of sense. It’s a reasonable thing to ask your sister to help you keep private for now too.” Moulin-Rougelach

1 points - Liked by ankn

7. AITJ For Being Mad That My Daughter Lied To Me About Her Health?


“For years and years, my daughter, who’s 24, has struggled with her weight. She knows it’s a problem, I know it’s a problem and I’ve sought out all types of resources from trainers to nutritionists. She’s been to one in the past to spearhead her own healthy eating and exercising as well.

Things really became difficult once she went to college for obvious reasons. She was away, she had easier access to bad food, and I wasn’t right there to help her, so, that was not great. For a while, mainly during the last 2 years, what would happen is she’d gain weight on her own, realize it was an issue, move home for a few months, lose weight, move back to her apartment, and repeat.

This past Feb. during a point where she was living at home, she said she was motivated to finally handle her weight on her own, and felt extra motivated.

I’d get phone calls telling me how much she was down this week or how long she walked. It sounded like things were clicking.

She came home last weekend, and she’s never looked bigger or more out of shape, she fessed up that she’s never been heavier, told me how much she weighed, and she’s past obese. I’ve tried, as a single dad, to remain calm and collected, because I know it’s been hard for her in any way growing up without a mom, but, in this instance, I was so disappointed because she’d spent basically 2 months lying to me, telling me she was eating healthy and working out when in reality she was eating poorly and not working out.

In my daughter’s opinion, I’m the jerk for being disappointed because to her, because she fessed up, she should be in the clear. Now I’m worried about if I can ever trust anything she says moving forward and I’m scared about what I’ll see next time I see her.


Another User Comments:

“No jerks here…

yet… you have the opportunity to fix this. You love your daughter and you’re worried about her but it’s obviously not helping her in any way. She has lied to you for a reason and while you’re mad at her for lying, can you understand why?

Sit with your child. Tell her how much you love her and how that won’t change no matter what.

Tell her how much you want to support her in life and ask her what she needs from you in order for you to do this…

Have an adult conversation with your child because, while she may always be your little one, she’s an adult with her own choices to make, regardless of how you feel about them.

Your job is to love her, not judge her.

Life will throw judgments at her from all angles. Give her a person who won’t do that.” GemGem04

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. The reason why she felt she had to lie to you should be a glaring sign that your methods are absolutely not helping.

Your constant pressure and policing of her body are stressing her out and making any hope of improvement – for HER sake – even harder.

Leave it alone, leave her alone, let her sort out her health without having to report it to you like she’s a child. Have your feelings and worries about her health, but stop talking about it.

Let her consult with her doctor and live her life. You can’t control her and your attempts to are making things worse.” maantre

Another User Comments:


You’re literally trying to save your daughter from a life of misery, medical care, medical bills, anxiety, depression, and a host of other issues if she lets herself go too much.

When it comes to your loved ones, tell the truth and don’t hold back when you see they are down a bad path regarding bad habits and health.

I myself am addicted to sugary foods and I shot up to 241 pounds at one point. It was my wife who pointed out that I’m going down a bad path with my eating habits.

It took me a year but I did get back down to 186 pounds (at 5’11”). I still crave sugary foods so it’s a constant mental battle, and in that sense, I understand how and why your daughter might have poor eating habits.

So if my wife can tell me to be healthier, then you should be able to tell your daughter the same thing.

However, she needs to accept accountability for her own health.” FreeMySpeech

Another User Comments:

“YTJ – there’s a lot of nuances here but my gut tells me you are the one fixating on her weight and pushing her to get help – trainers and nutritionists? Did she ask for this help or was it your idea? It doesn’t sound like she was even obese at that point based on this.

Of course you weren’t there to help her, she’s an adult and you should be asking yourself why she felt so pressured and ashamed to lie to you about her weight and habits. It is not normal for phone calls with your college kid to center around mileage and diet. You should be disappointed in yourself that she didn’t feel she could be honest. Something is wrong here.” AnalysisParalysis907

1 points - Liked by NeidaRatz

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ankn 1 year ago
YTJ Get off her back. Your daughter is an adult. She gets to make her own choices. It's up to her what she eats or doesn't eat. It's up to her to exercise or not exercise. Let go. Quit nagging. Find things she's doing right, praise her for them, and tell her you love her.
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6. AITJ For Changing The Wi-Fi Password?


“I (22F) let my sister (19F) move in with me last year. I had an extra room + bathroom, didn’t need all of the space for myself, and have always gotten on fairly well with her. I decided to talk to the landlord and let her move in, and things were going well up until this point.

Our agreement on the bills (Wifi, Electricity, Trash) is that we split the total down the middle. My name is on all of the accounts though, so I take care of the actual paying of the bills.

The last six months have been kind of rocky. She has been suffering from depression, anxiety, and manic attacks.

No, I don’t mean panic attacks, I mean she goes absolutely crazy. My parents kind of left it up to me to deal with it, and I couldn’t find it in my heart to get my sister kicked out while she was going through all of that (She has been seeing a therapist and her doctor as well.).

Plus, she was still paying rent and for her half of the bills, so it was whatever. She quit her job earlier this month, though, saying that her mental health is making it too hard for her to work. She has been picking fights with me almost daily for the last couple of weeks, and she also begged me for money for food a couple of weeks ago as well because she has no money left.

It’s nearing the end of the month, so I sat down with her and asked her how she planned on paying for rent/bills come May 1st when they’re all due. She said that my parents were giving her rent money. I asked about the bills, and she kind of just shrugged and walked away from me.

I called my parents and asked if they were giving her funds for bills too, and they told me they were only paying her phone bill, nothing else. My mom literally said, ‘You make really good money, you can afford to pay the bills for the month while she gets back up on her feet.’

I got so mad, and this is where I think I might be the jerk.

My sister was out with some friends after we had the conversation about rent/bills, and so I decided to change the wifi password so she can’t use it. I know it’s sort of petty, but I’m so upset! This whole conversation and the changing of the password took place last night, by the way.

So, she came home, went into her room, and then a few minutes later was knocking loudly on my bedroom door asking what was up with the wifi. I told her I changed the password and she could have it back once she gives me the money for her half of the bills.

She lost her mind, was knocking on my door, scared my cat half to death, and then I guess she went crying to my parents. They’ve sent me messages and told me I’m being absolutely ridiculous and I should be ashamed of myself for acting like a petty teenager. I’m starting to feel guilty now.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ but your sister and parents are. She is an adult and she agreed to pay for her half of the bills and she’s failing to fulfill her end of the agreement. Unfortunately for you if she’s been living with you for 6 months there’s nothing the landlord can do she has legal rights at this point.

I honestly think that your best recourse may be one of two options, either breaking your lease early and moving out leaving her as a squatter if she refuses to go. Or if your lease is near its end do not renew and move somewhere else.

I don’t see her willingly leaving on her own accord.

I would also secure everything you value including your pet in your room locked when you’re not home. Possibly even setting up a camera in your room as an extra layer of protection in case she decides to break into your room. Your parents are real pieces of work expecting you to pay for her.

She is not your financial responsibility and if she’s as bad as you say she needs more help than you can possibly provide.” Glitter_is_a_neutral

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You tried to discuss it like an adult, and she blew you off. Now you have her attention. As everyone always says in these situations, if your parents are unhappy with the way you are doing things, they are welcome to put her up themselves.

Having another person in your home significantly increases your expenses. I was surprised to find out how much utilities went up when I was home all day as opposed to going to the office. If she can afford to go out with friends, she can afford to pay her share of the expenses.” Old_Fart_1951

Another User Comments:


You are a great sibling and have done everything right.

You are not making bad decisions even though your parents are. You did your best to help her, and to make sure she is getting the right care. If your parents and sister sabotage all that, it’s not on you!

She can be depressed or mentally ill and still be held to basic standards like working and supporting herself.

It’s very easy to slip into behavior that hurts oneself when others support that behavior.

Your parents are wrong to put this responsibility on you. Go forward with a clear conscience knowing you did all you could, and you are not passively hurting your sister by being compliant with what she wants.” JannaSnakehole

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jessi39mae 1 year ago (Edited)
Ntj! Why do parents always blame the wrong kid in these matters?? I don’t get it! You are her sibling not her parent or caregiver. I myself have mental health problems I’m seeking help with and I don’t use it as an excuse for a free ride. I also live with my sister and I help raise my niece, I receive food stamps and buy food not only that I like but that everyone else likes too! I clean and help with laundry and shoveling in the winter (I was also recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia) and sometimes I push myself to hard and I will pay the consequences later in the day or the next day. If your parents are soo concerned about her let them take care of and pay for her half!
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5. AITJ For Making A Garden Bed In My Backyard?


“I (27M) have this 75 (F)-something-year-old neighbor, we’ll call her Janice. Who I share my back fence with. She’s retired and spends every waking moment in her backyard tending to her garden and reading. I moved into my house a year ago and things started out pretty well between us. We both have dogs who love to play between the fence and we would talk occasionally, she’d give me gardening advice, talk about how millennials are ruining the world, etc.

I was like cool, maybe she’ll be like a bonus grandma lol.

But things soured when I put a garden bed in my backyard. For some reason, deciding to put in some pine trees, hydrangeas and azaleas really bothered her. Mind you this is in a section of my yard we don’t share a fence and I asked my other neighbor if they would be okay with it and they loved it.

After two days of work, her sitting in her backyard watching me the entire time, she waits until the exact moment I finish to walk over and yell at me. She comes over as I’m admiring my work and is mad at me, she starts yelling ‘I didn’t consult her, I’ve lived here for 50 years and we do things differently around here.

We ask our neighbors before doing things’. I was honestly too stunned to speak and was like ‘I’m willing to hear what your complaint is and work out something if there’s an issue or a city ordinance I broke.’ (There wasn’t I checked beforehand.)

She just mumbles and huffs away, which I thought was the end of it.

So I pack up and clean up my tools for the day and as I’m walking back to grab something she’s brought over another neighbor and a binder of city ordinances. Meanwhile, the backup neighbor takes a look at my work and is like ‘looks good kid’ now she’s extra mad and flipping through her binder.

She fails to find anything and just says next time talk to me before doing anything. I was kinda left stunned and a little upset and confused by the whole thing honestly.

AITJ for not consulting her before making a garden bed in my own yard?”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. It’s easy to dismiss old people as being meddlesome grouches but try to see it from her perspective.

Are you an owner or are you renting? Either way, she’s probably seen a lot of people come and go in that house — to her, there are a lot of you and only one of her.

She may not expect much, but over the months that you casually chatted and received her gardening advice, you were building a relationship and with it, raising her hopes and expectations about what kind of neighbor you’d turn out to be.

For people past a certain age, unexpected change can be painful in a way that’s difficult to understand. That injury has no outlet, and so probably was transferred to her (dubiously justified) expectation that she’d be consulted as a source of advice or even permission for your new garden. She feels hurt and offended by what she sees as a slight, which is underpinned by that deeper and inchoate alarm at the change in general.

How she’s dealing with this is: she’s decided on some level that she was wrong about you, and doing more transference of those hurt feelings into suspicion and enmity — isn’t it just typical of a millennial to have no respect for the unwritten rules of neighborliness? She’s bothering you, essentially.

The good-natured tolerance of the other neighbors will only exacerbate this as she withdraws into assuming the worst about you, the characteristic cycles of fear and meddlesome suspicion stereotypical of old people.

The way I see it you’ve got two options: forget about it, or make a grand gesture. If it really bugs you to be on her bad side, send her a box of cookies and a note of apology explaining that you’re still new to the neighborhood, apologize for unintentionally upsetting the applecart and that you would value her input on your garden.

Then you’ll have to uncritically listen to how and why she hates all the plants you put in, or the way you put them in, or whatever bee she’s got in her bonnet… but once that’s out of her system your relationship should be back on track.” zoonose99

Another User Comments:

“If you are wondering what you did wrong: you are not 75 and you spoke politely to her.

Both of those now gives her the right (not an obligation!) to make decisions on your behalf about anything she chooses to do so.

Also, be aware that because you are male – you may also have agreed to lift and carry anything she wants you to as well as fix things around the house.

That may or may not be better than being asked to pick up groceries and run errands which would be what you would get if you were female. Janice will decide what you can do for her!

NTJ OP.” 8kijcj

Another User Comments:


Maybe Janice has some kind of weird territorial issue…? Sounds like you made a lovely garden without her hands-on help. Maybe she’s feeling threatened because she’ll no longer be the elderly neighbor offering garden help if you figure out you know what you’re doing.” BogwitchOfTheBog

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saal 1 year ago
It is literally none of her business and I'd tell her that.
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4. AITJ For Stealing Pictures?


“I (teenager, male) am the second oldest son of four kids my parents had. My mom loves photography and my siblings and I were the focus of most of her photographs.

She always took pictures whenever she had a camera with her. We have a ton of picture albums and I honestly couldn’t care less about them being there, but a lot of them, unfortunately, ended up being hung up on the hallway wall beside my sibling’s pictures as well.

I hate it. I am really insecure about how I looked/look and most of those pictures are extremely embarrassing when I have people coming over. My friends made comments about them and poked fun at me so much that I asked my parents if I could remove them. But they refused to take them down so, over the course of a few months, I have been silently removing them one by one.

At this point, I have a whole collection of them hidden away in a box under my bed.

My parents only realized the missing pictures today and confronted me about it. When I explained why I did it, they got mad and demanded I hang them back up. I refused to do what they said and now my parents are extremely mad at me, so AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, get over yourself man.

No one cares what you look like as a dorky 10-year-old. Your parents love you and want your pictures up. Be happy about that jerk! There are kids in your town with not a thing to their name and no one who cares about them and you’re worried about how you look on your parents’ wall? Oh god, that is silly.

YTJ. Go out and volunteer at a homeless shelter and you’ll see how stupid you are. And screw your friends. Tell them to get lost.” GardenDivaESQ

Another User Comments:

“Aw, I love your stealth. Everyone sucks here, but mostly your parents.

Return the photos, but have a sit down with them first. Take control, run the agenda, then give them the photos.

In a calm but authoritative manner, be the boss:

‘I know you are aware that I am not comfortable having so many pictures of me on display in the hallway. This is ‘your’ house, but it is also ‘my’ home. I live here too, I deserve to feel comfortable. This is my image, and I deserve to consent to it and how it is displayed.

I love you, and I respect your love for photography, and I would so appreciate it if you will meet me somewhere in the middle regarding this. So, to that end, I would like you to consider removing these x, y, z photos in particular, and I am also requesting that you move the gallery to a less-trafficked place in our home.

Thank you for listening.’

This is a simple two-part solution with yes or no answers, leaving nothing to argue about. And presenting it like this really makes them the jerks if they say no.” Johoski

Another User Comments:


I don’t care how old you are, you have a right to your own image. If they’re taking and displaying pictures of you without your consent, they are in the wrong.

Unfortunately, you don’t have a lot of power in this relationship and you can’t make them respect you or your feelings. Try to explain to them how you feel and resolve it now if you can. You don’t want to be in a position ten years from now where you have to choose between your own comfort and visiting family, attending weddings, etc.” thelumpymattress

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here a little I guess.

It would be very awkward for your parents to have pics up of the other three kids and not you. I think your ‘friends’ are teasing because they know they’ll get a rise out of you, not because the pics are actually embarrassing. Your parents should do more to respect your feelings.

The constant photographing of children is becoming more common now with the prevalence of phones, and I don’t think parents are aware yet of the potential for that to create a huge burden on children to feel like they have to perform constantly. Perhaps something that you could do would be to go through pics of yourself with your parents and choose ones you all like to replace the ones you didn’t like. It could be a bonding experience and a solution that works for everyone.” artichoke313

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ankn 1 year ago
mild YTJ Putting up pictures of their kids is something lots of parents do, especially if they took the pictures, and it's their house. Could you compromise? Could you find ONE picture of you that is bearable, perhaps a recent photo, not kiddy stuff, and hang that one up?
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3. WIBTJ If I Tell A Guy At The Gym To Let People Cut In During His Sets?


“There’s a guy at the gym who does like 6 reps on a machine and then sits there on his phone for about 5 minutes between each set. He usually does a few (maybe 5?) sets so ends up hogging each machine for around 20 minutes, but most of the time he is not actually using the machine.

A guy asked him today if he could do a set while he’s resting and he refused, saying he’s using it. He then came up to me whilst I was on the leg press and asked me how long I intend to be, so I told him I had three sets to go, to which he responded ‘oh, for Pete’s sake’ and walked off, which has tempted me to respond in kind next time I see him.

WIBTJ if I told him that he should let people cut in as he’s just sitting there on his phone most of the time and that there is gym etiquette that he should follow? (Basically don’t be a knob at the gym).

Edit: I didn’t mean confront him next time I see him at the gym, I mean next time he asks me anything/next time I want to use a machine he’s using his phone on.”

Another User Comments:


He clearly doesn’t realize the irony of his actions.

But maybe ask if you can use a machine when he’s resting, and then raise it. Don’t just randomly go up to him and start berating him.” naynay2908

Another User Comments:


I think you’re exaggerating (unintentionally) how long he’s taking breaks. In order to get 5 sets done in 20 minutes, his breaks are going to be a couple of minutes or so.

That’s not long at all… and it would be ridiculous for someone to try to cut in during those short breaks.

He’s definitely a jerk for being a hypocrite to you. But, he’s doing nothing wrong on his own machines. At least based on this.” tysontysontyson1

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, other people probably are also bothered by this and would be grateful that you said something.

You’re asking him to allow others to work in, which does not prevent him at all from getting in his sets. It just asks him to be more considerate of those around him.” thurrrst0n

Another User Comments:

“20 minutes on a machine is perfectly reasonable unless the gym has a rule against it.

It can take more than 5 minutes for someone to alter the settings, much less alter it, do their set, and return it to his configuration, and wipe it down… I don’t blame him for not wanting to risk it in the middle of his routine.

But he was also a jerk… Not for asking how long you would be (which is fine as long as it is done politely), but for how he responded after.

Everyone sucks here.” DinaFelice

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Foofer 1 year ago
Report him to front desk
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2. AITJ For Not Giving Up My Character?


“I (16F) was at a family gathering at my aunt’s house and there were four of us playing super Mario party on the switch, one of which was Gabby (8F) who I’m not related to – but she is my cousin’s partner’s daughter.

Anyway we were on the character select screen and Gabby was taking forever to choose and the rest of us had already picked – I chose Daisy.

Eventually Gabby decided that she wanted to be Daisy but since I already picked her she couldn’t. She started shouting at me to let her be Daisy but I stood my ground and said no so she ended up having a tantrum and was screaming and crying about it.

After we finished playing my aunt took me into the other room to talk to me about the whole thing and she said I should have not been so petty and to just let Gabby be that character.

But I think it’s important for kids to know they can’t have everything they want by begging or having a tantrum, especially since Gabby is quite spoiled. My aunt said I was a jerk for that and the fact that she had to deal with Gabby’s tantrum.

I do feel a little bad because Gabby is only 8 but at the same time she is very annoying and I feel like she’s a bit old to be acting as she did over a game character.

So AITJ for standing my ground?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You already picked the character, so Gabby needed to make her selection from the remaining characters. That’s life.

The fact that your aunt complained about having to deal with her tantrum says it all: Gabby gets whatever she wants by throwing one. You did Gabby a favor by reflecting on the real world in which she won’t always get her demands met.” -SnowQueen-

Another User Comments:

“I really want to say everyone sucks here because it’s a video game character with zero benefits as to who you choose, and NTJ because you were teaching her an important life lesson.

Since she took so long to choose and you were getting blamed for your aunt having to deal with a tantrum, you get the NTJ. But it was awfully close.” ICWhatsNUrP

Another User Comments:

“NTJ… seems every adult around her is allowing her to throw tantrums and pick whatever whenever. She is gonna get no from life and people more, this is just the beginning.

Adults around her better get her ready for it. You chose first, when she gets to choose first/be decisive she can get daisy.” No_Medium_7205

Another User Comments:

“Mild YTJ

In these situations, remember, she’s an 8-year-old, playing with kids twice her age. That’s intimidating, and a bit exciting, for a small child!

It is on the younger kids to have decent, age-appropriate manners.

But it is on the older kids to recognize that when you’re playing with someone half your age, you need to understand that if something takes them longer, you need to make allowances. An eight-year-old doesn’t necessarily process things as fast or in the same way as a teenager.

If you were playing games of running races, would it be fair to have the eight-year-old play under the same rules as the teenagers? No, they’re smaller and weaker, with shorter legs.

It would almost be bullying, to constantly run races with the same rules regardless of age.

I’m not inclined to blame the 8-year-old. She was clearly struggling to keep up with kids twice her age. And when she finally gets a task done, she discovers that people twice her age have rushed ahead and taken all the good stuff.

Which would mean that she has to repeat this task, which she struggled to do as fast as the teenagers, while everyone is waiting and getting more and more impatient with her.

The way you describe it (‘she was taking forever’) indicates that you were already impatient with her before she chose.

And you now expect her to go through the process, again, while people who are already impatient with her are waiting and watching. Not cool.

ETA: You’re 16, so I don’t necessarily expect you to have figured out what I describe above on your own.

My judgment is on actions, not the intent.

You may not have known better, but a thing to know, going into adulthood, is that you make allowances for children, especially when playing with them.

Games are only good when everyone is having fun. This eight-year-old wasn’t having fun, they were struggling to keep up. So you modify the game, as needed, to make sure it is fun for everyone. And if it can’t be modified, you play something more suitable.” Jazzlike_Humor3340

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Pcogale 1 year ago
NTJ - it sounds like a massive tantrum and one that's likely repeated often because it gets her what she wants. This either implies a neurodiversity and she struggles when things aren't like she expects them to be (no distress tolerance at all) or she's an entitled brat that's been allowed to get away with it.

She's 8. If she's neurotypical, she knows exactly what she is doing. I could understand this from a 3 or 4 year old and maybe a tired 5 or 6 year old. But it just looks bad for an 8 year old to become so distressed.

Your aunt is enabling her and so are the rest of the people she lives with. They are in for a rude shock as she starts to get older. It may escalate to threats of self harm if she doesn't get what she wants.
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1. AITJ For Blaming My Friend For Her Loneliness?


“Rachel (22F) and I (22) have been good friends for several years. We share hobbies, have a similar sense of humor, and are very open with one another about pretty much everything. However, in the past few months, she’s distanced herself. Rachel’s been busy with schoolwork, finding a job, etc., and to be clear, while I do miss her, I don’t hold this absence against her whatsoever.

She usually chooses her partner or catches up on personal time instead of hanging out with our larger friend group, and as a pretty introverted person myself, I 100% respect and understand her need for quiet time.

I know firsthand what it’s like to feel intentionally left out, so with the host’s permission, I always text or tell her about events going on…

movie nights, parties on the weekends, or group dinners. Sometimes Rachel promises to come, but 4 out of 5 times she flakes completely or only joins us for ten minutes. It’s gotten to the point where I’m the only one out of this extended friend group (ranging between 10-20 people), who knows what she’s doing or even talks to her at all.

And honestly, that’s only because we happen to live together.

That said, recently we were chatting a little bit and Rachel mentioned feeling really left out like no one even bothers to ask her how she’s doing or adds her to group chats. I was sympathetic so I said, ‘Maybe because they haven’t seen you in a while, they think you don’t want to hang out either.’ She got a funny look on her face and responded, ‘Well, since you’re such a shut-in normally, it’s weird you’re suddenly so social.’ I wasn’t sure how to take this, so I kind of laughed it off and answered, ‘Look, to be fair, you’ve been isolating yourself a lot lately.

No one’s upset at you, they just don’t know you very well anymore.’

Rachel pretty much blew up at me after I said this. I talked to her a couple of days later and we mostly resolved things, but she still called me a jerk for ‘victim-blaming?’ Some of my friends think what I said was fine, it was a reasonable explanation and something she needed to hear eventually.

However, I’m starting to feel kind of guilty over the argument. If I just shut up and nodded, it probably would’ve been fine.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Victim blaming would mean that people are doing something (ie, purposely excluding) her. Friendships have to be maintained or they fade. If she’s unable to put in the ‘work’, other people won’t be willing to either.” Rastavaray

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, it’s all about phrasing.

‘I know you’ve been crazy busy and haven’t been able to come to events lately when invited. Maybe you could plan a get-together that works for you, I know everyone would love to catch up as a big group!’

Sounds like she started a conversation to throw a pity party and not to actually get your advice.” bmoreCurious85

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You were having an open and honest conversation. You weren’t saying it to make her feel bad but I think part of her knows what she’s doing is messed up.” hew076

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