People Open Up Asking "Am I The Jerk?" In These Stories
15. AITJ For Not Letting My Sister Into My House?
“My sister (25f) was going to meet her dad (not my dad by the way) for the first time in almost 18/19 yrs and she was really nervous. She asked me to go with her for support.
He was staying at some hotel about 30 mins away and the whole ride over there, my sister had my phone to give me directions. My wife was calling me because she’d gone into labor.
Then my MIL was calling me too. My sister put my phone on do not disturb without me knowing and erased the notifications.
I didn’t even realize it until after we were leaving from having lunch with him an hour and a half later that my wife had been calling me.
All my sister told me was I had a missed call (more like dozens). When I found out, I was yelling at her the whole ride to the hospital. She apologized many times.
Her only excuse was this was a big emotional moment for her meeting her dad and she was scared doing it alone knowing how her anxiety is. This was the only time they’d have to see each other since he was leaving in a few days and wouldn’t be back for months.
I really couldn’t believe it. By the time we got there, my daughter had already been born a half hour. Don’t get me wrong I was so happy to know my daughter and wife were okay but I was also devastated to have missed the birth of my first child.
Couldn’t look at my sister, all I told her was to get an Uber to take her home because I didn’t want her near me right now.
My daughter is almost 4 weeks old and almost everyone has come to see her.
Last weekend my parents came over with my sister in the car but I said I don’t want her in my home right now. They got mad and left early. I keep hearing from my family that I’m being completely unfair in treating my sister like an outcast by not letting her in my home.
But I’m just still angry at her right now and don’t think I have it in me to be in her presence. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she knew exactly what she was doing.
She made you miss something once in a lifetime, and I can’t imagine how important that must’ve been for you. And the fact she did it to go see her deadbeat father.
That’s tragic and ironic. And your parents can’t even see it your way a little it seems. You have every right to be furious.” Wellfudgeit
Another User Comments:
“My husband had his phone with him at all time from like week 30 or so when we expected our first, he even brought it while out orienteering where I very much doubt he would have received but the point was that I should always be able to reach him.
The sister just ignored the calls and just hoped it would take a long time for the baby to come. She decided that OP shouldn’t know that his wife was in labor, she also didn’t care about how stressful it would be for SIL to be in pain and not being able to get hold of her husband (This is literary in like EVERY movie with a baby coming! The last-minute appearance of the father and everyone is happy.
How could someone be so selfish and clueless?). This was so selfish, she knew OP would drop her off and go to his wife and she would have been alone with her dad and she didn’t want that so she took the decision away from him.
She’ll be lucky if she’s ever welcome back to OP’s family again.” Waste-Phase-2857
Another User Comments:
“It’s selfish to the point of me wondering whether sister has mental health issues beyond her anxiety.
To be so self-centered and to be able to take action to make sure that her brother didn’t know. It’s not that she ignored the messages, she actively deleted them. (I suffer major depression and PTSD and I would never do what the sister did…
It is an extreme lack of compassion that is a stage of development that most people develop by age 3 or 4. It doesn’t make sense to me as a behavior and that’s why I think there may be other issues with OP’s sister.)
Her biodad would be back in town in a few months.
She would have the chance to meet him again BUT OP will never be able to see his first child born again.
And for OP and OP’s wife to forgive sister and his parents, they have to acknowledge and demonstrate a real understanding that what she did wrong and the parents’ reaction was wrong…
which she may never be able to do. And even then, it’s never the victim’s responsibility to forgive. Also, victims never ever should be told to forget (that’s abuse to be told ‘I’ve apologized, now you need to forgive and forget.’)” Dog1andDog2andMe
Another User Comments:
“Your sister lied to you, deleted your notifications, and put your phone on do not disturb.
She deceived you because she knew that if you had a choice and knew the truth you wouldn’t do what she wanted. So she lied to you and tricked you to get what she wanted at you and more importantly even I’d say your wife’s expense.
Your poor wife was in pain and had no idea why you wouldn’t take her calls. And your sister didn’t care about your wife either, she wanted your emotional support and didn’t care that you wouldn’t be there to support your wife through something that was both emotionally difficult and painful.
Your sister wanted you to be there to comfort her, so decided that your wife didn’t need you there to comfort her. And again, she could have given you the choice.
She could have tried telling you your wife would be fine, but she really needed you. Only she didn’t. Since again she knew you wouldn’t do what she wanted if she was honest or gave you a choice.
NTJ at all.
You can tell your parents that it’s okay if your sister feels bad, she should feel bad she lied to you, manipulated you, and stopped you from being there for the birth of your child out of pure selfishness.
You are angry, disappointed, and hurt, and you don’t want to see her. Your parents can visit as much as they want to see their grandchild, but sister is not welcome.
If they choose not to see their own grandchild over you not letting sister in, you’ll be sad, but it won’t change your position. You’re sure it must be hard for them to have their children not getting along.
It’s hard for you too. But your sister’s actions caused your feelings and you can’t just choose not to be hurt or angry. Right now seeing her just makes you too upset and you don’t want to be angry around your precious new baby. So you need her to stay away and no amount of pushing will change that.” TheHatOnTheCat
14. AITJ For Upgrading My Ticket And Neglecting My Duty To My Sister?
“My sister and I live in the same city, but our parents moved to another country for retirement. They flew us out for their anniversary. Our parents buy all of us tickets on the same flight.
My sister has two kids – a 6-month-old and a 5-year-old. She is currently separated from her husband so she would have to handle 2 children by herself on a 10-hour flight.
Or so I thought.
She calls me up a week or so beforehand and asks me if I will be willing to help her take care of her kids on the flight, and something about taking shifts so we can both sleep.
I tell her that I wasn’t comfortable with that, but she says ‘nephew loves you so much’ so we can work something out on the flight, and hangs up.
I was annoyed.
I didn’t sign up for mid-flight babysitting. I called my airline office and asked if they had any business class seats available. They said yes, and I upgraded using a mix of points + money.
The upgrade cost me $50 out of pocket, the rest covered by my frequent flyer miles and it was money well spent to be able to sleep.
I get to the airport, check-in, and wait around for my sister to show up.
She does, and I eventually tell her that I upgraded. She… didn’t seem too happy. She still sends me little screenshots of how important family is and how we should care about them.
I mean, the only reason why I upgraded was that she expected me to babysit. And I didn’t give her a heads up.
And for everyone who said I didn’t tell her – I didn’t want to do it: I did.
I did tell her over that phone call I didn’t want to do it. She does have a history of dumping her kids with me, and I didn’t want to spend 10 hours on the plane with them, only to spend another week with them in a foreign country – where I did babysit them while she went sightseeing for ‘me time’.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ so originally you were planning on sitting on a 10-hour flight with your sister, and your niece and nephew just a few feet away.
At some point, your sister was going to struggle and you were just going to… sit there and watch her? Do you have any idea how exhausted she must be dealing with a 6-month-old and 5-year-old? She had a baby SIX MONTHS AGO and now she Is separating from her husband!
This is seriously one of the most stressful periods of her life.
Yes, she chose to have kids but don’t you think she probably expected her husband to be there? She asked you to help. All you had to do was say no- not secretly upgrade your flight.
God forbid you to need help in the future. Because your sister won’t ever forget how you were not there to support her.” adhdandwingingit
Another User Comments:
“Ehhh YTJ. No, you’re not obligated to help your sister but that’s not the question.
The question is if you’re a jerk (arguably defined as the opposite of being a kind/thoughtful person) and most kind/thoughtful people would sit with their sister and nephews and be on the flight together.
It’s just a nice thing to do. Instead, you went out of your way to avoid being helpful. The family seems to be important to you since your parents bought you all flights to celebrate together and your sister sounds like she’s going through a really tough time being a newly single mother while also going through a divorce.
On top of that, travel with small children that outnumber you is hard, and having someone to watch one while you take the other to the bathroom would have made such a difference.
No, you didn’t have to help her but you were kind of a jerk for actively avoiding it. Yeah, you told her you didn’t want to but you were a jerk then too.” sugarface2134
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I’m gonna go out in a limb here and say your parents probably thought that you and her would travel together for support when buying the tickets for you and her.
You got a free flight and became selfish with it. I agree that your sister shouldn’t dump her kids on you, but I don’t think it’s unfair to show some support on a 10-hour flight to assist in some way especially with how young the kids are.
But I will say at the end of the day this is probably more of a moral issue than anything else… and you sucked morally to leave your sister like that.
Should’ve booked your own flight and made it clear that y’all weren’t traveling together at all (not eating together or even talking together) and maybe she would’ve made different arrangements or not traveled so far alone.” nursere
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Sister essentially voluntold OP that they are helping with childcare. When OP told them no, they weren’t comfortable with that, the sister hung up completely disregarding OPs feelings and boundaries for their own needs.
Furthermore, according to additional info from OP in the comments, the sister has done this before springing up babysitting with little to no warning or discussion.
OP is not the kid’s parent — the sister is, therefore the responsibility of childcare lies with her and the kid’s father.
Just because they are family doesn’t give the sister the right to treat OP like that. I want to give OP a high five for that power move because that’s brilliant! Enforce those boundaries OP and don’t let your sister/others make you feel bad for it.
Anyone who says otherwise is a jerk.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I understand why people are saying the opposite, but hear me out.
Helping a family member with their children, yes, is kind.
I understand that OPs sister was asking for help – in her own perverse way, that was quite dismissive, but still, asking for help. OP sounds pretty reasonable and tried to talk the sister out of this.
OP could just be an AH, or more likely, there’s a background here.
One of my aunts was like this. I‘m the oldest cousin by a lot, and we take a family vacation every 2 years which includes an 8-hour flight.
At 22, I was dumped with a 5-year-old at the airport while her mother shopped, on the plane while her mother slept, at dinner while she was having drinks, and for the rest of the bloody holiday.
Her mum consistently used the same excuse – she needed a break. She worked full time, and I was family, so it was my job to help out. I didn’t have kids, so it was easier for me.
So I stopped helping. I’d tried to be kind and I was being taken advantage of. I love my cousin to pieces, but it was my holiday too. I was sick of trying to give my aunt her child back, and failing – it really upsetting to my cousin (I didn’t want to hang out with her 24/7 and neither did her mother) (I should point out that she’s the youngest of 8 cousins, three of whom are adults, but I was deemed the most responsible – read, I’m the eldest girl) and honestly it was stressful for me.
Trying to wake a sleeping mother of two children on a plane is a nightmare. OP is entirely within their right to say no. The sister can ask for help, but more than likely, she was going to pass out on the plane/zone out watching a movie, and let her kids run rampant.
And OP was going to feel responsible. So, boundaries were enacted. If I had the means, I’d do the same – instead, I just fly a day later than them.” User
13. AITJ For Not Letting My Mother-In-Law Watch My Daughter?
“I’m a widower and have a 6-year-old daughter who’s a very picky eater and got worse after her mother’s passing. She loved her mother’s cooking and refused to eat anything that isn’t made by her mother.
I decided to learn to cook her favorite meals that my wife used to cook and my daughter has been loving ‘my version’ of her mother’s cooking.
I recently started working a new job and my MIL started watching my daughter 3 days a week.
I have my sister helping so I’m doing good. I prepare meals for my daughter to take with her to her grandparents’ house so my MIL won’t have to worry about what my daughter can and cannot eat.
My MIL complained about the meals I send and said I needed to encourage my daughter to eat from a variety of dishes. I already explained how my daughter is when it comes to food and that I’m already learning new dishes every week so it’s not repetitive.
So last week I discovered that my daughter has been eating only snacks for days at her grandparents’ house. She told me this and I was confused. I asked about the meals I send with her and she said her grandma would take them from her hand once I leave, throw them in the trashcan then tell her to eat dishes she makes.
My daughter refused and has been only eating snacks at that house.
I was enraged. I confronted my MIL and she said that she didn’t find that me sending meals with my daughter was the right thing to do and wanted her granddaughter to eat her cooking and was upset that she refused.
She said it’s my fault her granddaughter doesn’t want to eat certain foods and that I was spoiling her rotten with this behavior. I mentioned to her that the meals she threw away were my wife’s recipes and that I struggle so hard to provide those meals.
As well as taking time to learn to cook them. She stated I wasn’t doing good job parenting and needed to get a grip because she’s feeling concerned about how spoiled my daughter is being because of me.
I eventually told her I won’t let her watch my daughter from now on and decided to ask my sister for help.
FIL & SIL kept calling me cruel for not letting them see their granddaughter and FIL said that I overreacted and promised to convince his wife to let my daughter eat what she wants as long as she visits but I refused to discuss it because right now I really don’t take what they say face value.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
So first of all let me say that I think you’re doing an amazing job as a Dad especially one in a super hard situation and I can not express how sorry I am you and your daughter lost her mother.
Most people would not make the effort to learn to make those meals and continue to learn, that is incredible. Food is such a personal thing and can have so many sense memories and I’m not surprised that the food has been a part of your little one’s grief process.
She is so young to be without her mother and I cannot believe that your MiL is being so insensitive.
So 1000 percent you’re NTJ. Not only is her throwing away the food a waste of money, but also your time, and it’s detrimental to your daughter’s nutrition as well.
Isn’t it better for her to eat home-cooked meals than snacks all day? Wouldn’t the better option be to have her eat the packed meals and then slowly introduce other foods over time when she’s a little bit more well-adjusted? For god’s sake, the kid has been through enough.
This probably has deeper complex layers I am sure, and I hope that she comes around, or at least the bare minimum doesn’t keep throwing away and wasting food. Hopefully, normalcy will reign soon.
Lots of love and light to you.” Aquarius-Disaster
Another User Comments:
“NTJ-
Even if the dishes were repetitive, as long as she is getting the nutrients she needs and she likes them, it’s fine!
Some people are just picky eaters- it could be for a variety of reasons or just who they are.
As a baby, my favorite ‘mush’ was anything orange… fun fact, while I was getting all my nutrients, the amount of orange mush I consumed caused me to get an orange tint around my eyebrows.
Then it was eggs and hotdogs and chicken nuggets. I could scramble some eggs and microwave them, eat hotdogs right out of the packaging, and any chicken nuggets were good.
Theeeen I got sick of those at some point.
I’m ‘less picky’ now, but… it’s not actually that I’m less picky. I still have issues with textures, eggs, sweet potatoes, and hotdogs are no-go, but for the most part, I get all the nutrients I need from the foods I DO like, and I enjoy them!
Your daughter’s tastes will change and grow naturally, there’s no reason to push it otherwise she will likely develop MORE of an aversion to these foods.
I used to be forced to eat a variety of things- plain veggies, beans, etc and anything I was FORCED to eat now tends to make me nauseous, it triggers those feelings of frustration and helplessness… meanwhile when I was the one to choose something new, it wasn’t a big deal, I was more likely to try it again later to see if my opinion changed, etc.
Listen to your kid. She’s dealing with a lot- trying to grow, trying to learn, trying to cope with the loss of her mother… the first two are a LOT on their own because it’s not just growing physically and learning ABC’s, she’s learning how to be a PERSON, with thoughts, feelings, opinions, how to express and voice these things in healthy ways, how to set boundaries…
I’m 23 and having to work on learning how to enforce boundaries due to how I was raised.
It’s hard for me because I’m stuck in my ways, but it’s also hard for her when grandma is trying to trample these boundaries your daughter is setting.
Please, know you’re not the jerk, and that you’re doing great by working with your kid, keep doing that, keep listening, keep helping, keep teaching, and be there for her.
Frankly? I would have done exactly what you did. Not only did Gma waste food, but she completely disregarded the boundaries and expectations you and your daughter set for her own beliefs- that is a double dose of disrespect on both of y’all and I’d be just as firm.
Gma wants to act like a petty little child by doing stuff behind your back and causing your daughter to go without proper food? Then she can be put in time out.” femme_enby
12. AITJ For Trying To Adjust My Fence Proposal?
“Back when there was snow on the ground, I agreed to have a fence put in. Nothing special, 4′ picket in front, 6′ along the sides and back. After hiring a tractor to move some rocks, spending more time in my backyard, and realizing that the foliage is a great privacy shield as is, I don’t want the back fence.
There’s also a berm along the back of the property and I think a fence will look ugly there.
The contractor promised me a date months ago and never provided it. Today, my wife gets a text from the contractor saying they’ve been trying to reach us, but we have no indication that this is true: no texts, emails, or voicemails to be found.
I let him know I successfully moved some rocks that were in the way of the side fence and that we’re ready to proceed but want to cut the back fence out of the job.
At this moment, the contractor was broken emotionally and yelling and threatening to walk. He told me to reach out to his secretary for options…
So I call the contractor’s secretary and as I’m trying to explain what I’m hoping to accomplish, she gets bent out of shape and the contractor joins the call somehow (I’m assuming walked into the office) and I’m getting yelled at by both of them at the same time.
I was able to deescalate the situation, explaining I’m not trying to rake them over, but trying to do what’s right for my property and that I think I have a win-win.
I get them calmed down enough to hear me out and I shared my proposal. They shared a counter-proposal. To slightly complicate this, I also have a second job to replace the boards on my porch.
I proposed I pay full price, he can come to install everything except the backstretch of the fence and leave the vinyl panel that isn’t being used. When I tried to suggest this, they explained that they couldn’t do this, they were under pressure to deliver to many customers, the price of vinyl has been going up, and they would be unable to do this.
They countered with two options. 1) Chain link fence (I just want welded steel now, but this isn’t ‘stocked’) for an additional $4000. Or, 2) he’ll come and won’t install the vinyl for $400 off the quote, max $500.
The original total is ~$10k
I need to get back to them. I’m considering writing them an email stating that I hope our future conversations can be civil and that I’m interested in the original deal but that the rear panels are dropped off and “I’ll be installing them later after I do some landscaping”.
He threatened to walk away, and I suspect this could push him over the edge, and keep my 50% deposit, but I’d probably attempt small claims if he canceled the job – not me.
So am I the jerk here? Is my proposal out of line or should I stick to my guns? The way I see it, he’s getting paid for the extra labor without having to do the work.
He’s already going to be making more on my job because of it…
I don’t know.”
Another User Comments:
“What, he wants to keep a 50 percent deposit and wants to walk? Oh God no.
He has delayed the project by months, with no contact between you, and, (apparently), lied about trying to get in touch with you. What, I assume you hadn’t changed your number, e-mail address or left the country-how hard can it be to contact you?
And he doesn’t want to modify the plans.
No. You need a new contractor. You need your money back. You need to go to small claims court if you don’t get it back.
Any contractor or secretary that gets ‘bent out of shape’ or yells at me would promptly become my EX contractor.
NTJ.” LuvMeLongThyme
Another User Comments:
“If I read it right- you paid 50% thus far, you are still going to pay the original price for materials and labor, but you will be receiving less labor and you want to keep the materials you’d be paying for
I’m not seeing why he can’t do this? He wants to charge you for materials and labor that he isn’t using while not giving the full amount of material that you’d be paying for? Sounds like he wants to double dip and use the materials elsewhere while you are still paying and the next customer pays.
This feels a little more true since he cited the rising prices.
Stick to your guns if this is the case and let him be the one to cancel the original contract if that’s how he feels.
‘I was quoted X dollars for Y materials and Z labor hours. I will be paying the quoted amount. I will be getting my full materials’.” mamabear421
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I can’t actually figure out what he’s upset about? The pay is the same, the materials are the same, and the workload is less.
Why bring an entirely different fence into it? Why have an emotional breakdown?
I don’t know. If he’ll just do what you want it might be the path of least resistance, but it could very easily turn into a nightmare.
I absolutely would not let him walk away with your deposit or settle for work or materials you don’t want.” personofpaper
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I would go to court now even, some of these companies use these tricks to get your money and move on, getting themselves be declared Broke.
50% is a lot, here we never pay more than around 13-15% because more is even illegal when nothing is started or provided. Does he claim to want to contact you? He has to prove this” gamemamawarlock
11. AITJ For Asking My Housemate To Pay More For Leaving The AC On For 24 Hours?
“So, I own this house, everything is in my name. It’s about a 1600 square foot home where her 2 dogs have free roam of the entire place and she pretty much decorates whatever she wants how she wants with no consideration for me.
She only pays $300 a month. Imagine finding a house to rent ANYWHERE for that cheap. This barely covers half of mortgage and utilities and internet and whatnot.
It’s finally starting to get hot here which means the AC finally gets to be used.
She likes to have it arctic freezing and she absolutely refuses to open windows on cool nights or use her ceiling fan ‘because of the noise’. This means the AC never turns off because it can’t keep up with the heat outside.
We had agreed on a certain temperature to keep it on to reduce wear and tear and keep my power bill low but she keeps lowering it anyway.
She wants to argue with me why it’s not fair that I want more coin from her when she leaves the most expensive thing in the house running 24 hours a day and doesn’t understand why I get mad when I show her that her rent is just enough to cover the power bill.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Not for wanting to charge more rent, but because when you rent, you take on a responsibility to your tenant. There’s a reason there’s an entire branch of law dedicated to exactly this.
There should have been a lease, where you can put stipulations on things like this. If there was, then you have no choice but to stick to the lease. If you don’t, then you need to provide a 30-day notice and serve it on what the increase is.
Address professional matters professionally.” gaykidkeyblader
Another User Comments:
“I own a 2k sqft home and I rent out space to 3 of my friends. The fact that they are my friends is part of why they EACH only pay $300 and that’s still abysmally low for the area which they understand and appreciate.
My monthly expenses for the house work out to $300 for electric and internet, $300 for a home warranty, home insurance, and water/Sewage trash, and $1200 for the mortgage (5 total adults, split bills evenly 5 ways).
As a result, they contribute quite a lot to the household’s well-being. They mow, load the laundry, sweep and mop when necessary and every single one of them understands that our communal living situation requires us to work as a mini-community to keep the house and appliances running.
NTJ. Find better tenants.” CaffeinatedHBIC
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she wants to keep the AC running all day, she has to pay extra. Show her the bill from the previous months where AC is not running for full 24hrs nonstop to justify the additional amt.
Nowhere did OP say she has to get used to the sweltering heat; It’s like an add-on. You will need to make adjustments and pay extra if you wish to upgrade.
Does the roommate/ex expect to pay 300 USD flat each month and do everything she wants that could potentially rack up the landlord/OP’s bills? That’s some sense of entitlement right there.” oh_andjosh
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
People always take advantage when they are not paying the utilities (my roommate tried to cook me one winter she had it at 75 degrees I told her not to touch the thermostat and it was staying at 72).
Get a locked cover for the thermostat or get a new one that you control from your phone and then you can turn it off if it is cool outside (In most cases as a landlord you do not have to supply a/c just heat). Tell her if she has a problem with this then she can pay the difference in the electric bill or her rent will need to be increased.” Sarahh236
10. AITJ For Cycling In Minneapolis?
“I live pretty close to Minneapolis. It goes without saying that I have a ton of options for bike paths and high-quality trails. One of my favorite places is riding around Lake Nokomis, especially since all roads surrounding the lake have been blocked off to promote social distancing.
This means we have 3 options to enjoy the views. The pedestrian path, the bike path, and the entire road that goes around the lake. This isn’t an insanely popular lake since it’s not super accessible and it’s in South Minneapolis.
I will preface the main story with the following genuine statement. It’s very easy to stereotype, to cast an entire thought or opinion on a specific group of people. I understand cyclists don’t have the best reputation and I do my best to uphold the reputation of cyclists.
I don’t do what’s convenient for me, at the time. I follow traffic laws and try to not be an inconvenience or annoyance to ANYBODY. We received a ton of rain in Minnesota this past weekend, and subsequently, the bike path on the east side of the lake is flooded.
Not with an inch of water that you can probably still carry forward, but between 6 to 8 inches of water.
Most of you probably aren’t familiar with the paths but your only other option to continue around the lake would be to enter the pedestrian path for about 50 to 75 feet to reconnect with the actual road around the lake.
Happy to explain more if needed but this corner of the lake has highway 77 running by it, and that’s no place to ride a bike. Today I was doing a few laps and had to detour through the pedestrian path because of the flooding.
No joke, a 50-foot stretch that takes maybe 15 seconds, because I’m riding slow and trying to be extremely respectful and conscious that people are walking their pets, etc. In this 15 seconds on my 2nd of 5 laps, I had an extremely distraught lady stand in front of me, no pet in tow, simply walking, shoot, ‘Excuse you, this is a pedestrian-only trail, get out of here’.
It caught me off guard because I was behind another couple walking, so I was doing maybe 3 mph and I was just being respectful to get through this tiny stretch.
By all means, it would be dangerous if I was going 15 to 20 mph and I could understand somebody getting all uppity. I quickly come to a halt by slamming my brakes since I was traveling so slowly and explained the previous info I’d shared.
The bike path was flooded and I needed the 30 or so feet of the pedestrian path to reconnect me to the roadway so I could move on to the road.
She starts to tear into me and I just decided to pedal on. No good is going to come from this interaction since she was irrational and didn’t want to even attempt to hear my side.
AITJ for explaining myself and having an entitled lady berate me for my actions? For context, I’m riding a very expensive road bike. I can’t even go on a gravel road, not to mention 6 inches of water.”
Another User Comments:
“NTA, using the pedestrian path briefly and slowly to get around a flooded section of bike path does not make you an ass hole, the person who complained probably didn’t realize the bike path was flooded and you were just detouring around the flood.” reddoraptor
9. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For My Cousin's ER Visit?
“My fiancée and I are expecting our first child in October. A few weekends ago we had a small baby shower at a local park. Both our families came over and it was a fun time.
My cousin (27M) came with my aunt and while we didn’t interact too much I know he was playing with our younger cousins plus my nieces out on the grass. My cousin, unfortunately, learned that he’s severely allergic to bees in the worst way possible.
He got a couple of stings on his foot and my aunt was trying to help him feel better. But as time went on he was just getting worse. He was dizzy said his heart was racing and you can see how badly he was sweating.
Next thing I know I’m hearing from my mom that my aunt just called 911 and the ambulance got there to take him away. We were all very scared for him but luckily we heard from her a few hours later that he was going to be okay.
I spoke to my cousin sometime after to ask how he’s been doing and he told me the ambulance plus the ER visit have messed him up. They’re charging close to $3k or around there and he’s saying I gotta pay it off.
I asked him why in the world would I do that and he says it’s because of us that he got stung for being there at the park in the first place.
I told him I’m really sorry that’s happening but no one forced him to come to our baby shower. We don’t have that kind of dough to be spending when we have a baby on the way.
I understand right now he’s not working much so we can give him a small amount to help pay but no he expects us to cover the whole bill. Most of my family except my parents and sister are against me for not wanting to help him out since it was our party where he got stung.
My mom is in conflict with her sister (my aunt) over this. It sucks he’s in this mess with having to pay but frankly, I don’t see how that’s our responsibility to pay, we already offered to help but not for the whole amount.
That’s where everyone thinks we are being jerks. Guess just wanna ask if we are with how things are going.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you are absolutely not a jerk for not paying these medical bills.
If he hadn’t come to your baby shower, he might have gone his whole life without ever finding out he’s allergic to bees. Or it’s possible that he could have gone grocery shopping that afternoon and been stung by a bee in the parking lot and still ended up with the same bills.
It isn’t his fault he’s allergic, but it is his responsibility to manage the bills now that he knows.
I presume based on the fact that he’s facing prohibitive medical bills that you’re in the US.
He needs to apply for Medicaid, and include the ambulance and ER visit when the application asks for recent medical costs. He also needs to apply for the hospital’s financial aid, and aid through the ambulance service.
Since he isn’t working, he has plenty of time to tackle these things.
If you feel generous and want to help after he receives his reduced bills and Medicaid has either denied him or covered a portion, pay the bills directly.
Do not offer him money. Also of note, Teva now offers a generic Adrenaclick (EpiPen alternative). I just picked up this year’s two-pack last week for $12.” Alert-Potato
Another User Comments:
“Why did he call an ambulance instead of just going to the hospital? Did your aunt not have a car?
If he never ate shellfish before and had an allergy to that, and you served that, you would be off the hook legally as long as you told everybody there was shellfish.
These are what are called inherent risks. They are outside. You know they are outside. If you choose to go outside, you risk being exposed to bees. You did not bring the bees, you didn’t ask the city for a spot with extra bees, and you are not on the hook for these bees.
I’m sorry this happened to your cousin. And I’m sorry I put a big cloud over your beautiful baby shower that everybody was having so much fun at.
Your aunt is responsible for your cousin if he is a minor.
If he isn’t, and you are in the United States, he can likely get some help with that from insurance even if he didn’t have any at the time. This was a life-threatening event.
But you didn’t cause it.” fromhelley
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s in a park. My gosh… I mean.. your parents gave birth to you, who is getting married, who had a baby shower at the park, where a cousin got stung…
so really… it’s your parents’ fault and they should pay. See what I did there?
There was no negligence on your part, and this party was in a public place. I think it’s nice of you to offer to help a bit, but based on the approach, I don’t think I’d help any to be honest.
If he is poor, he can likely negotiate it down a whole, whole lot. Usually, you just send proof of income/assets… and they’ll knock 80-90% off depending on where you are.
They may not want to budge at first, but after a while of not paying.. they’ll take something over nothing. Seriously though… this is not on you at all, and shame on anyone who is guilting you about it..
especially on those who aren’t willing to step up and pitch in a little themselves.
Congrats on the baby!” Jesuslovzyou
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Assuming this happened in the US, the hospital has an obligation to screen cousins for financial need/ability to pay.
If he doesn’t have any health insurance, he might be eligible for financial assistance. If not it’s his responsibility to negotiate with the hospital to may a reasonable amount (200% of Medicare is usually reasonable).
If he has health insurance, he will be responsible for his deductible, coinsurance, or copay for the ambulance, the ER facility charge & ER docs. Most hospitals will work with you to pay off any balance over time.
On a general note, many governmental ambulance services offer a subscription service where you pay a very modest amount (usually under $100/year) & they agree to accept the insurance payment as full payment.
If you don’t have insurance, they agree to limit your liability to Medicare reimbursement, which for land transport is under $200. If you have to pay the full charge, it can be $800+ excluding mileage.” QuietLifter
8. AITJ For Saying I Won't Mow My Neighbor's Property?
“When we purchased our home in Aug of 2020 neither our neighbors to the north (who rent) nor I had a fence. Then, in the late fall, they had a chain-link fence installed on the top of a retaining wall (that belongs to them) and ran straight back to where the backyard neighbors have a 6ft cedar privacy fence.
They have 2 very misbehaved dogs that bark constantly so when we decided to get a fence ourselves we decided we wanted to get a 6ft privacy fence so they wouldn’t see our dog when he is outside.
When they came to put the fence in, they determined where our property line was and it was actually between 3 to 4 FEET from where their fence is, due to a zoning law that states a retaining wall cannot be within 3 ft.
of a property line. The fence company stated they could put up the fence against the chain-link but since that is technically their property, if the owners/future owners ever wanted to, they could force us to move/take down the fence so we decided to put the fence along our property line so now there is a 4 ft.
gap between the two fences. I went over to explain the situation to the neighbors and he gave me their landlord’s phone number. I called him and explained the situation to which he replied it would make a ‘huge mess’.
I then replied with something along the lines of ‘that’s why I wanted to let you know so they can maintain it.’
This last wknd he texted me and said ‘I am having a hard time understanding why I should be responsible for that strip between the 2 fences.
I have not mowed that for 15 years!’ I replied, ‘that may have been the agreement you had with the previous owner but our fence guys determined where the property lines were.
I am not sure why yours did not. at the end of the day that is your property and I am not going to maintain it.’ he replied ‘and neither am I’ – I didn’t reply after that.
I feel like I may be the jerk since it really is relatively a small area and would only take about 5 mins to mow it but then again, it’s not our property.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So they put a fence inside their property line and are trying to make it your issue to mow their property. That’s a no. I’d do whatever you have to do to confirm and document that your fence is correctly along the proper property line and then go about your day.
Or they can give you that part of the property and you can put your fence along your new property line while they deal with any issues if it means their retaining wall is too close to the line etc.” Annual-Contract-115
Another User Comments:
“Exact same situation.
Our neighbor installed his fence on his own and eyeballed his property line on our shared side. When we went to get the rest of our backyard fenced in we found out the neighbor had installed his fence 18 inches to 1 foot inside his property line! We couldn’t just connect to his fence because 1) he would have a say on our fence and could remove it at any time and 2) it will be a nightmare if either one of us tries to sell.
So we have a small gap between our two fences where the grass grows tall. Sometimes they will mow it, but mostly it grows and grows. I don’t care and it’s not my problem.
Since you are installing a 6-foot privacy fence, you won’t even see the overgrown area. I wouldn’t mow it. NTJ.” carlosmurphynachos
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I had a learning experience involving property lines and will never again buy property without having it surveyed.
I accepted the verbally reported property lines from neighbors and the seller until I had to prove them in an attempt to get FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) funds to repair flood damage.
I was firmly under the verbal assurance that I owned the ‘shared’ driveway and bridge to my home and neighbor’s home. I repaired the driveway once and repaved part of it based on the verbal information…
FEMA needed actual confirmation of property lines.. that had not been done since 1973… per the county register.
Paid for a survey and… lo and behold… I own the top 5 feet of the driveway…
neighbor threw a fit and refused to even consider FEMA assistance on repairs to the bridge (the only way anyone can get in)… he was adamant the survey was wrong. I told him to get his done and we’d talk…
I’m not paying 100% for a new bridge (he was not going to pay anything for repairs and kept sending folks over to ask when I was going to fix it)…I just continue to walk the undamaged part of the bridge to get in and out…
no skin off my nose…” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have every right to put up a fence on your property line and only maintain your own yard. However, only a Land Surveyor can tell you where the property line is and I don’t see that in your post, that only the fence guys determined the boundary.
But assuming your new fence is on the property line, from your description it sounds like the chain link fence is no longer necessary now that you have put in your cedar fence and the 4ft strip is the neighbor’s responsibility to maintain.
You were nice to let them know but it is your neighbor’s decision now as to how to maintain the strip and I’m guessing he will come around sooner or later.” -searchinGirl
7. AITJ For Asking My Partner If He Misses His Mom?
“I (25F) am at home with my parents and family for two weeks between switching jobs. My significant other (28M) of three years is currently alone in his house. We both just graduated from Ph.D.
programs and are excited to start our professional careers together. While on the phone one night, thinking about how much I was enjoying family time and thinking about how he hadn’t seen his parents for our recent graduation, I asked him ‘Hey, do you miss your mom right now?’ He hasn’t seen his parents since Christmas and often goes a year or more without seeing them.
Later that evening he texted me saying this was an inappropriate question to ask. He said ‘why are you asking me if I miss my mom. I’m not a kid, I’m a grown man.’ At the moment I was offended by this statement, because to me, it kind of infers that he thinks I’m a child for communicating with my parents way more frequently than he does.
(Upon further reflection, this was probably an incorrect initial reaction). He told me I was selfish for being offended, that I ‘twisted a conversation around to make it about myself, and that I gotten offended by some ‘imaginary conversation I had in my head’.
He said I was being ‘utterly ridiculous’ and sent me 20 texts in a row about how selfish I was being. He said: ‘I’m curious about why you think I should miss my parents.
ME. I. Not you. Nobody mentioned you. You probably can’t go a week without self-referencing or bringing yourself into the conversation’.
He then requested that we made the conversation about him since we so frequently focus on me.
(I think this may be a little bit true, but not completely). I agreed and said we should just talk about him.
He then said that my question was not appropriate given his age.
He listed a bunch of our other friends who have kids, doctorate degrees, and said: ‘you would never ask them if they miss their mom because they are adults.’ He said as a 28 yo if he was to sit here and ‘pine’ after his parents it would be weird.
He said that he is a year and 10 months away from turning 30, and him missing his mom would constitute an unhealthy attachment. He said: ‘When you ask someone that, it makes it seem like they don’t have themselves together.
I don’t need my parents. I’m good man, I can make it on my own, I know what I’m doing.’
In my eyes, he has a pretty normal relationship with his parents.
They raised him from birth, feed him, clothed him, weren’t abusive. They talk on the phone every couple of weeks. They have a family group chat that’s always going on.
I didn’t realize I would be offending his manhood by asking this question.
But I’m probably in the wrong for making it about me.
So, AITJ for asking my significant other if he misses his mom? And am I selfish for being offended that he was offended?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – This is seriously concerning behavior coming from your significant other.
Asking someone if they miss their mom is a completely normal thing to ask, the fact that he got SO worked up over it is literally insane. He’s also gaslighting you, saying that ‘you’ made up a scenario in your head.
…OP, HE made up a scenario in HIS head. He’s clearly incredibly insecure and he shouldn’t take that out on you. The fact that he made such a big deal about this would honestly be a deal-breaker for me.
I also say, stay away from all men who send 20 angry text messages in a row.” ItsNotFunny420
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – But WHOA. Does he always react so aggressively to a simple misunderstanding?
I’m an adult with a home and a husband and two children of my own and I haven’t seen my mom in weeks due to isolation and I miss her.
My husband hasn’t seen his mother in months due to her traveling and then quarantine. I’m sure he misses her. Presuming his mother isn’t a serial killer or an abuser, there’s no reason he can’t miss her after extended absences.” personofpaper
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your partner probably reacted badly to a perceived jab at his manhood (toxic masculinity at its finest).
Apologize for your part in getting offended, but tell him that it wasn’t intended as a jab, just a general question about how he was feeling since he’s a grown-up, and likely has feelings that he’s mature enough to discuss without losing his cool.
As for making it all about you – the 20 text thing was a bit much. He’s being a tool and overreacting.” YuleNevaKnow
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like you hit a nerve there, OP.
I’m not sure whether the nerve is that he really does miss his family but he thinks it’s childish to do so, or some overblown need to be a man – ie independent and ‘grown up’, and be seen by others as such.
Probably both. Whatever the case though, I don’t think his reaction was all that much to do with you. Give him space and time, I’m sure he’ll see that the argument is not worth it, and the comment wasn’t a slight against him.
Incidentally, I turned 28 today, and I miss my mother like crazy. No shame.” Olives_And_Cheese
Ntj and he is gaslighting you.
6. AITJ For Pointedly Asking A Coworker If They Will Meet The Deadline?
“I (28) work as a Stage Manager for a theater company, and we are just entering tech-week for our first major production since the shutdown, and we’re having some problems with our costume designer.
For context, Tech week is when we add lights, sounds, costumes, and all other effects so we get a sense of the completed show. These are our longest and most difficult weeks (typically 10 hour days) and my job is to put it all together and oversee the operation of the finished product.
The biggest issue we are having right now is that our costume designer (50s) has been struggling with this show, and has been delayed for the majority of the process.
Seeing that we were behind, last week I asked in the nightly report if the costumes would be useable in time for tech-week, and received a pretty angry email that included this response:
‘I am drowning in this giant build.
I have zero time to drive back and forth to the theater to deliver finished items when’s there is such a huge mountain of unfinished work and people who will be going without a costume.’
While I really do sympathize with their stress, and that this is their first major gig post-shutdown, I am also near the end of my patience.
They have been consistently late for the entire month, take up other folks time by showing up to rehearsals unannounced to take measurements rather than stick to the established schedule, and has tried to take the moral high ground by constantly reminding us that they have been doing this for over 30 years.
The rest of us (the 20s-40s), while younger, have been doing this for 10-20 years.
Also, the show has SIX actors, with very limited costumes, the rest of the team doesn’t see this as a particularly massive project.
To be blunt, we need the customer to do their job in time so we can give our patrons the professional show they expect, but given the context of the health crisis and their greater experience, there is a part of me that thinks I’m being an unfair jerk who is putting extra pressure on coworker during crunch time.
AITJ?
EDIT: To clarify. This is indeed a professional production. We all signed contracts consistent with other companies in the region and are paid for our work.
We also do have solutions already in play.
A couple of us are picking up the pieces from the designer’s shop so they don’t have to drive back and forth, but they haven’t told us when we can do that yet because some pieces are not ready.
I’ve also talked with my assistant stage manager who has customer experience, and they have agreed to go a be a second pair of hands for the designer if needed.
Even with solutions, the whole situation just left a bad taste in my mouth like someone was being an ass/unprofessional.”
Another User Comments:
“Hi, professional costume designer here.
You’re probably not the jerk, but I want to bring up a few points that may help you to understand what the customer is up against.
Red flag one: You mentioned the number of actors, not the number of characters or costumes in the show.
Could be a six-person show with over 30 costumes, easily. Remember to keep that in mind when you’re scaling someone else’s workload. Further, if the director has been asking for a lot of changes, that can put a designer behind schedule quickly.
Red flag two: It’s not your job to ask the customer if the costumes will be ready for tech. It’s assumed they will, and larger concerns should go to the company or production management, not through the SM.
You probably insulted her by asking this question. Her response sounds unprofessional and disproportionate, so I’m not apologizing to her.
Red flag three: This customer designer isn’t receiving any support from this professional theater, as evidenced by the comment that she’s taking her own measurements.
Lighting designers almost never hang or circuit their own lights. Scenic designers never build their own sets. There’s an expectation that customers should be able to do the work of drapers, stitchers, and other costume technology professionals.
It’s really unfair, and often creates a massive workload for the costume designer that is disproportionate to the work of the rest of the team. It also sounds like the theater has not provided an on-site workspace or costume shop, hence the designer ‘not having time to be driving costumes back and forth’.
Are our scenic designers expected to build sets in their own homes? (This is a gendered work issue and I could get on a real rant about it.)
Red flag four: No need to be ageist.
This career burns people out like crazy, and a customer in their 50s is rare for all of the reasons I mentioned above. Assume that errors in her workflow and demeanor have more to do with her personal capacity or training than her age.
Anyway, just remember to be empathetic. Ask her what she needs instead of demanding what you need. She may just be bad at her job, but she may just be having a really negative experience that isn’t visible to anyone else working on the production.” GlitterAndDogs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
(Hi, fellow SM!) This costume designer sounds like a nightmare. I very firmly believe that we as an industry need to get better at making allowances for human needs when it comes to deadlines and schedules, but there’s a difference between someone who’s struggling to meet expectations and someone who doesn’t feel they need to meet expectations.
Responding to criticism by ‘pulling rank’ about your experience level shows that you’re not interested in resolving the issue, you’re interested in making others cater to you. The lighting designer, the crew, and the actors themselves need actors to be costumed for tech.
At this point, however, your job really is to work with what you’ve got. It’s all well and good to know the costume designer is being unreasonable, but that doesn’t get costumes on bodies.
If I were in your position, I’d respond to the costume designer basically saying you understand she’s under a lot of stress and didn’t mean to add to it, you simply wanted to stay up to date.
Then I’d ask her what you or others on the production could do to help her get back on track as soon as possible. My go-to mode for difficult collaborators is basically a firm, ‘Here’s what I need from you: what do you need to make it happen?'” palacesofparagraphs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – this is your job.
Your ENTIRE job is to make sure the product is safe and on schedule. Crunch happens and of course, you want to mitigate the stresses of that but the reality is a deadline is coming.
Costumes need to be ready (or even partially ready in a worst-case scenario) for tech. You’re presumably doing all you can to relieve the pressure… arranging someone to pick up pieces from the fabricator is a great start.
Tech still has to happen though… on a schedule because there’s an opening night approaching as well… and tech is never the smoothest week for anyone.
If this person has been doing this for so long…
they are aware of that. It certainly wouldn’t have flown to be this late/rude when they were just starting and didn’t have this perceived authority right? Why is it different now?
My guess is an age/seniority (and maybe gender) thing that’s letting them think they can get away with pushing their proverbial weight around.
They likely do have you in a bind I assume in terms of time and contract language. You have to do what you can to keep the ship moving (as all stage managers must do).
I’ve done stage managing in the past for some community theatre and large live event type stuff and it’s often age or gender (or both) that gets me attitude if there are less than ‘professional’ professionals involved who don’t like it.
90% of the time, if I was respectful with my request I got a respectful response, and people did their best to provide the best work they could. They trusted that I would have their back if things weren’t 100%.
It’s that 10% that’s always gonna be what you stew over though. Get through tech, get the show-up and running, and put that person on your do not recommend for future work to producers who may want to hire your pile.” Carving_Light
Anyone who has that much experience knows perfectly well that EVERY aspect of the production needs to be ready,bit very nearly so, by the time tech week (also known as "Hell Week) begins
You are not the jerk. For whatever reason, this costume manager is over her head.
I would sit her down and ask her "Which costumes can I have today, then tomorrow,other the next day. And be honest." Whatever is not going to be ready by the third day, you buy and have shipped NOW.
And frankly "Glitteranddogs" can stuff it. It's tech week. Excuses and even explanations don't mean a damn thing. Excuses never made a costume.
5. AITJ For Being An Extremely Picky Eater?
“I (F22) am a horrible picker eater. On top of that, I am vegan. I do not try to change how other people eat, and I do not flaunt my vegan-ness.
My dinner-time meals consist largely of pasta, vegan pizza, baked potatoes, vegan mac and cheese, and another two or three things. I realize my food selection sounds childish, but I am happy with what I eat, and I, again, do not make anyone in my family conform to the way I eat.
My partner of about a year does not like my pickiness. She finds it to be unhealthy (which I can agree with). However, I am not overweight (I am about 120lbs at 5ft 6in), and I occasionally run and regularly partake in an exercise routine.
She also wants me to try more things. When I’m with her, I will try new things if she’s having something I can eat. (I oftentimes do not like it, but I’m willing to try.) She also wants me to try things when I’m not with her, but I’m happy with what I eat.
I try new things when I’m with her because I want to make her happy, and expanding on what I eat makes her happy.
My partner also says that she likes to share meals with the person she is with.
I found this sweet, and I agree. However, being a vegan, this would be impossible to do without forcing her to give up meat – and I don’t want to make her change how she eats.
I tried to explain that we could do this occasionally, as there are meals that we both like, but I don’t think this was good enough.
We recently had a conversation about this, and it did not go well.
She is upset that I don’t try new foods when I’m not with her, and she wants to share more meals. She told me that she has had to change her way of eating to conform to me.
I hated hearing that because I have expressed numerous times that I do not want the way I eat to affect her negatively.
I feel like the bad guy because my pickiness makes her unhappy, but I also feel like I’m allowed to be picky, as I’m definitely not forcing her to be picky with me.
AITJ because I am happy as a picky eater?
Edit: I just want to include that I really love this girl. I don’t want food to be the reason we break up.
I posted this here because my family is so accepting of my eating behaviors, and I didn’t know if I was being a jerk for feeling this way in regards to my partner.
Edit 2: The six or so items I listed are STRICTLY for dinner. I eat other things, as well, for breakfast, lunch, and snacks, but dinner is the main issue, which I why I included the list in my post.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I can understand where she’s coming from, it’s nice to share meals with your partner and eventually cook them together. But you have to be comfortable with yourself, too. Maybe have a talk together, I mean it shouldn’t negatively affect her what you eat.
My significant other and I also share very different meals (i like to eat spicy things and he can’t, he likes to eat rather bland but healthy things which I’m not a fan of).
You can mix up foods as well if you like. For example, you’ll cook a dish and put some other things on a plate where she can pick from and add them to her meal.
Nonetheless, I don’t think this should be a big issue for her. Find a middle ground.” User
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, IMO! As a somewhat picky person myself, I totally understand, but food can be a very important thing to other people, so I get where your girl is coming from, too.
I don’t think she’s being a jerk about this, I think she may be concerned that you’re not getting enough nutrients. Weight isn’t an accurate indicator of whether or not you’re properly nourished.
I think you should talk to your girl more about the sharing meals thing. Does she SPECIFICALLY mean sharing the actual food, or just the time you two spend sitting down and eating together? If the latter is the case, then maybe you two could still prepare separate dishes for yourselves, and then just eat together.
I wish you luck and hope both of your needs wind up being met!” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Her concerns for your health are legitimate. You need to be taking in more greens, veggies in general, and fruit.
Being overweight or underweight is a tiny little factor in determining your overall health and your health is mostly determined by your diet. 90% diet, 10% exercise. I worked in a couple of vegan restaurants and a lot of my coworkers would tell me that it’s really easy to be unhealthy and Vegan.
Most people think that being vegan makes you healthy, but it doesn’t at all. You have to have a properly balanced diet, and most newer vegans tend to eat mostly carbs/starch which aren’t very dense in nutrients.
I’ll admit that it’s hard being with someone who doesn’t like to try new things. Your partner probably feels stagnate because you have a hard time branching out on your own.
So, the only time you try anything new is with her, so she has to pull you forward with her. At some point, she will start feeling like your parent trying to get you to try new things, and that’s not a good feeling for a relationship.
Eating together is a basic thing for most people in a relationship and cooking two entirely separate meals isn’t a good way of going about that in my opinion. You’re not eating the same food so the bonding over sharing the same experience is lost that way.
You keep telling her that you don’t want her eating habits to change, but you are changing them. She can’t eat with her partner because you’re too picky, and that has nothing to do with being vegan or not.” vidalecent
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, but I’m not sure that you two are ultimately compatible.
I’m not calling her the jerk because I couldn’t see from your post how emotional/frequent/judgmental her approach is; if she’s trying to guilt you, nag you, or badger you into doing this, then she is the jerk.
Otherwise, I hear two people both saying that their approach to food is important to them and important for their relationship – which is fair. The problem is that what she values in food is shared experiences, and what you value in food is adhering to some fairly constricting limitations for which you have strong personal reasons.
No one has to be wrong or the bad guy for this, unfortunately, to be a really bad match. You each have strong reasons for feeling the way you do, but it’s a major incompatibility, and I think you need to recognize that this is likely to always be a source of difficulty and tension in your relationship.
I think it’s a bad sign that she’s keen for you to change at times when she’s not even there; again, I don’t have all the info, so I’m not quite going to the jerks because she might be thinking of this as a desensitization process, but it’s not encouraging and makes me worry that she might be being controlling or dismissive of your needs and desires.
I think that there is more room for compromise in her position, as it’s possible for you to share a vegan dish while she has an animal-based dish of her own.
However, at least where I live, the vegan options are pretty limited, so that would affect her menu.
Personally, I would take a limited menu for sharing (given that I could also have my own food) in the interest of being with someone I love.
If she’s still not happy with that option, then either food is more important to her than it is even to me (and I really, really love a good meal and some adventurous eating), or she’s not committed to the ‘willing to ‘cheerfully’ make some sacrifices because I just really want to be with this person’ level. Either way, it wouldn’t bode well for your long-term prospects.” Terpsichorean_Wombat
4. AITJ For Asking The Host To Clean A Bloody Toilet?
“Twice a month, a group of friends and I (all mid-late 20s) meet up to have a game night. One friend, A, always hosts. He and his wife are very kind and they frequently provide snacks and drinks even though it’s a bring your own bottle event.
His wife frequently bakes for us and makes very tasty dishes and she never complains when we get too rowdy or leave a mess, which is a concern when we used to try hosting other places.
This is all to say, they are wonderful hosts and I truly appreciate them opening their home to us!
However, there have been 2… incidents that leave me a little grossed out.
The 1st of which happened a few months back: I went to use the restroom and lifted the seat to discover there was some dried blood on the rim of the toilet and bottom of the seat.
I’ve been with many women before, I know sometimes periods can be messy but I must admit I was pretty grossed out. A’s wife knew everyone coming over was male and the seat would be lifted, so I don’t understand why she hadn’t already cleaned it.
Nonetheless, I made a mental note not to use their restroom for the remainder of the night and kept it to myself.
This weekend, though, it happened again. I went to use their toilet and when I lifted the seat, there was blood on the rim of the toilet.
This time, it looked much fresher. I did my business, made a note, and returned to the game night. Afterward, when people were gearing up to leave, I quietly pulled A aside.
I let him know that I had found blood on the toilet when I lifted the seat and this wasn’t the first incident.
Instead of merely apologizing and promising it won’t happen again, A blew up on me.
Apparently, his wife uses one of those period cups and it can spill on the inside of the toilet. She’s usually good about keeping it clean but when we hosted our game night, apparently she was on her period so hadn’t gotten around to cleaning yet since her period hadn’t ended.
I tried to explain how unsanitary and disgusting this was and somehow it ended in me being called a misogynist and implying I didn’t appreciate his wife enough. I was thrown out before I could properly explain how wrong he was.
Since then, A won’t answered my texts or calls. I did send a text apologizing to his wife (even though I didn’t bring up the issue to her) and she thanked me but was very short in her response.
She did not respond when I texted her further. Apparently, A told some of the other guys and the mood is pretty divided. Half of them agree that it’s disgusting for a toilet to have blood in it if you have guests but the other half is insisting it is A’s wife’s home too and she isn’t our maid.
I never implied she was our maid, I just don’t think entertaining guests with a bloody toilet is acceptable.
So, I come to you. AITJ for bringing this up?”
Another User Comments:
“Sure, whatever, it’s gross.
But your friend explained that his girl was currently on her period, usually good about cleaning it and you instead chose to push your point further by calling it unsanitary and disgusting?
Kind of shocked by your complete lack of tact here.
Maybe you shouldn’t be going over there anymore.
Big YTJ.
Editing to reiterate your own words: ‘She never complains when we get too rowdy or leave a mess.’
‘his wife frequently bakes for us and makes very tasty dishes’
Why are you complaining about the minor uncleanliness of a perfectly kind host’s bathroom, whose house you admit to leaving a mess at anyway?” nano-cola
Another User Comments:
“Menstrual bleeding is absolutely a natural thing most women go through.
I don’t think I have ever met a woman who actually enjoyed their period. For you to be ‘disgusted’ by it, makes you seem like you are some immature middle school boy who just learned about it.
It happens. Get over it.
I live with my fiancé and although yes, he would agree periods are kinda gross (just like most women), he still is able to maturely deal with it.
I mean, have you never ‘missed your aim’ as a man?
If it bothers you so much, don’t go to their game night. Problem solved. You may have ‘been with’ women, but I worry about any you might ever live with.
Sheesh. YTJ.
Also, to add. I have to have a pretty invasive knee surgery recently and my fiancé has helped to bathe me. Bless him for helping me get clean when the gates of hades have been unleashed.
Grow up.” Davinaaa28
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Lolololol. Stupid, ungrateful, senseless boy. Your entitlement just destroyed a friendship. You won’t be invited over again. As a woman, I can say with almost certainty that she will not have you at their house again.
I can’t even go on. It’s already been said in other comments.
Ok, well, I will say though, if your first apology had the attitude that is all over this post, then you are truly screwed.
If you really want to salvage this friendship, you will need to apologize sincerely, humbly, repeatedly. If you can’t do that, then you may have to chalk it up to a tough life lesson learned and find a game group comprised of single incompetent boys/men like yourself who can enjoy the pee-only splatter on the underside of a toilet seat.
Good luck.” Dramatic_Squirrel_82
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re so disrespectful every woman has those problems and not every woman in that exact moment is thinking ‘let me lift the seat to see if I got blood on the bottom of the seat’.
It’s fine to feel grossed out so do we but on our periods we already feel like trash while going to the bathroom. The lady will obviously clean the toilet when she gets to it and perhaps she hadn’t realized it had happened (I certainly don’t realize it happens in that same exact moment but I clean it when I do).
It was not your place to come off as entitled and tell them how to clean their home especially when the wife already feels like trash because of her period. Next time keep your comments to yourself because clearly, you don’t know half the crap we have to deal with already on our period.” tulips-in-a-garden
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
So she’s on her period and instead of pulling an ‘I don’t feel great I don’t want your boys over’ she instead opens her home to grown men to play games.
She cooks and cleans up after you guys. Pays for snacks. You guys just bring your own booze to drink in her home while making noise and leaving a mess. And you dare to complain because she didn’t realize on the underside of the toilet seat (which ps she would not notice/see) there was a small amount of blood? I can’t even fathom your behavior.
Why aren’t you hosting if you have such strict standards and are unwilling to run into anything like this? This woman sounds like a saint.
Lots of little boys are first taught to sit down when potty training so I’m sure you could manage it if you’re so concerned about what you might see.” angel2hi
3. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be An Older Sibling To An Adopted Kid?
“I (19M) came out as trans as a teenager. Until then, my mom never wanted a second kid, but after that, she started really wanting one. Several months ago, my mom (50F) decided to foster Ana (7F).
I don’t know much of the details, I think it was a friends-of-friends-somebody-has-a-kid-they-can’t-keep situation. My mom was very excited, I think she wants to adopt Ana. She spoke to me about it and IMO I was pretty neutral.
I told my mom basically, ‘you can do what you want but don’t expect me to act like a big brother.’ I’ll be nice when I see her, but I’m not going to give her the sibling experience.
I don’t want a little sister because I’m trying to move on with my life and don’t think I can see her as anything but my mom’s second try at having a girl.
My mom fostered Ana, they’re both happy and doing great I think. I’ve met Ana twice already and she’s chill. I think she thinks I’m like an uncle or something. However, I can’t stop thinking about all the things my mom said to me about ~womanhood and being a woman and how much she wishes I was one~ when I’m around Ana a lot.
As someone who’s trying to live my own life and escape that, it hurts.
My semester is over and I’m back home for a couple of weeks before I go away for a job.
Yesterday my mom cornered me and said that I needed to be acting closer to Ana, that she’s my sister and I have to love her and stuff and having an older sibling is important.
I told her no, that I made boundaries when we talked about this in January and I was just fine without an older sibling. My mom says I’m a jerk for refusing to acknowledge Ana is my family and not loving her.
I don’t think I’m the jerk because I’m not hurting Ana.
I believe people choose their family, it’s not just blood. But my mom chose Ana so maybe I do have to choose her, too.
AITJ, then?
(btw- I’m really not home much. And once I graduate, it’s almost guaranteed I’ll be moving to another country for work. Ana wouldn’t be stuck with this permanently unaffectionate guy living in the house with her)
Edit/Info:
– I think my mom is pretty transphobic.
She still doesn’t believe I’m trans, won’t call me her son or anything, and always makes snide comments about me mutilating my body or having kids one day. She even tried to force me to freeze my eggs.
-I’m not being a jerk to Ana. There’s just a difference between how you act with family and how you act with non-family, right? I drive this kid to playdates and I got her a small birthday gift and I’m friendly.
I’m not like ‘oh, tell me about your day and your friends and your life goals and favorite animals, let’s go to an amusement park together.’
– I guess I should add I’m neurodivergent.
Maybe I’ve misjudged this entire situation in some crucial way? If so and I’m the jerk please explain why.
-I’m trying to stay as far away from my mom as possible while still maintaining a cordial relationship.
I go to school thousands of miles away, which she is not paying for, I visit maybe a month total per year. Due to stuff with my dad, we’re sort of stuck together and I could never go without any contact.
-I don’t have a problem with Ana being adopted- if my mom had had a baby I’d be acting the same way, although I guess it wouldn’t matter because it’s a baby.”
Another User Comments:
“I think NTJ…
I think you could well be right about her decision having been influenced by your being trans but maybe it was a situation where she felt a hole in her life after you moved out and when she found out about a young child who needed help it just made sense to her? IDK.
I would talk to your mom about how you feel about the decision in a way that makes it clear you’re not blaming Ana.
You not working particularly hard to have a close relationship with her isn’t the same thing as being actively rude to her or anything, and I don’t think your mom can expect yall to be close when, as you say, you don’t really know her and you don’t live at home.
It kinda has a similar energy to me as parents getting mad at their kids for not having a close relationship with their stepparents? Like yeah, just because someone is important to your mom doesn’t automatically make it important to you.
As long as you’re not being cold and actively rude to Ana I would say you’re fine.” icantbelieveatall
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
I’m trans. I also work with youth in the foster care system.
I understand what you’re saying and what you MEAN, but what you’re saying is factually wrong and damaging. You can say you don’t want a sister, but if your mom has a child, then you have one.
Don’t want a relationship with your sister? Fine. But she is your sister. There’s no way around that fact and denying it is just bad for the kid. Want to claim that a child of your mother isn’t your sister? Fine, but that is an jerk move that will affect her, subconsciously or otherwise.
If your mom were to give birth to a child right now and you were to say ‘that’s not my sister’, then I guess that’s just the kind of person you are, but it’s even more damaging to make those statements about fostered and adopted children as if adoption into a family is not real.
It is.” zeppair93
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
It sounds like you’re projecting. In all of this, you’re making Ana the main problem. You believe that she is your mother’s ‘second shot at having a girl’ (which is…
Questionable) and with that, you’re immediately projecting your issues onto her and giving her a label: ‘My replacement’, ‘The girl my mother always wanted’ and it subconsciously makes you treat her differently.
This gets me to the second point. Why don’t you want a sibling? Because whether you like it or not, Ana is your sister. Maybe not biologically but that doesn’t matter (and let’s face it, if you’re saying that she isn’t your sibling because you’re not blood-related, you are a major jerk).
And just to make things clear: this is coming from a trans guy who knows what it’s like to be unable to fill the expectations to be a perfect princess and mother.
I know how much it can hurt. But projecting your issues onto Ana is not the way to deal with them. You may not treat her badly but like you said, treating someone like family is different.
And she clearly sees you like family, you said so yourself (probably as a brother considering that’s what you are and your mother probably told her). And this treatment will affect her because she’ll believe you don’t see her as your sibling because she’s adopted.
I think it’ll help both you and Ana to build a more sibling-like relationship with each other. And it’s probably also going to be good for you to have someone who 100% sees you as the guy you are.” WeazelDeazel
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are 19, your sister is 7. You wouldn’t be very close anyways, you’re twelve years older. My (16F) brother (30M) is 13 years (and a few months, since I’m not 17 yet) older than me, and growing up we weren’t close at all.
He was kind to me, picked me up, and dropped me off in places occasionally if he was in town and mom asked him to and threw a ball around with me a bit if he was ever around, but that was it basically.
We were in different stages in life. I never resented him for it, and it sounds like you’re acting the exact same way towards her.
Where you might be being a little bit of a jerk is to say you’re not a big brother.
Even if your mom did adopt her as a way to get a second chance at a daughter, it’s not the kid’s fault. She’s your mother’s child, you’re also your mother’s child and she has done nothing bad to you (or vice versa).
It’s okay to acknowledge her as your sister and still not have a close relationship with her.
However, it sounds like your mom is pretty transphobic and she’s probably being an absolute jerk to you, so I wouldn’t really blame you if you just wanna cut your losses there.
If you end up going NC and never seeing Ana, then I guess I get it when you say blood isn’t family, since you wouldn’t even be around to see her grow up anyways.” Tricky-Luck-8380
2. AITJ For Wearing Noise Cancelling Headphones In The Car?
“I 23(F) don’t have my license yet. I grew up in NYC so with the MTA, learning how to drive wasn’t really deemed essential. I moved down south for college and lived on campus.
I graduated last year got a job offer and decided to stay. My significant other (24M) and I moved in together. He drives so he drove me everywhere pre-2020. Now I work fully from home so I only go into the car once or twice a week for about 30 minutes each time.
We are both really into music and enjoy different genres but some overlaps as well. My significant other has, for lack of a better word, a peculiar taste in music. Like he listens to classical music in the afternoon and I don’t really like that genre.
We made a playlist of alternative songs that we both liked, he used to play this in the car when I’m in it.
Lately tho, he’s gotten into heavy metal and that’s all he plays.
I feel like if you have passengers in the car as a driver, he should play songs everyone can enjoy. He disagrees and has said that it’s his car so his rules.
Although I pay 1/3 of the car note and pay for gas sometimes. I have started wearing noise-canceling headphones when I’m in the car. Sometimes I use it to listen to music and other times to block the music he’s listening to.
He’s been complaining that he can’t talk to me when I’m in the car and I’m being a petty jerk. I feel like I’m doing what’s best for me given his actions.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You’re right, it is rude to play heavy metal if not everyone is a fan. The same goes for other kinds of music, you either need to rotate or pick something you both like.
But it’s also rude to not talk to the person giving you a ride. They’re doing you a favor.
And I understand why you didn’t have a license before, but I think it’s time to think about getting one.
You’ve been down south for 5 years, it’s time to learn to drive (barring any reasons you can’t). Then you can listen to your own music. It inconveniences the people around you, even if you chip in the gas budget (and in this case budget for the car).” Buying_Bagels
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Mainly because you should compromise more, such as turning the music down so that you can in fact talk. As someone who experiences sensory overload, I understand the headphone thing, but it is still rude.
He needs to understand not everyone likes the same kind of music and that if there are others, to put on music that everyone likes, or just put the radio on.
Also, 1/3 of the car note and gas every so often is nothing. You don’t pay for maintenance or the majority of car-related things.” phantom_67
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I will wear my earbuds while my dear husband drives me around.
I just let him know hey I’m listening to xxxx do you want to listen or not? He says no I put the buds back in, he says sure I connect to the car’s Bluetooth.
He doesn’t like loud music when driving so for us it works out better because I do like louder music and he will let me know if he wants to talk and then I remove one bud and can talking listen to my phone at the same time.
I think you should talk to him about it and try to come to a compromise of if he is playing heavy metal, etc then you wear your headphones if he wants to talk music is turned down, maybe?
Idk but try talking about it with him .
Good luck.” The_unknown_df
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The driver traditionally gets a veto over the music choice, but politeness still dictates that everyone compromises to find something acceptable to everyone.
If you dislike metal, he is a jerk for insisting you listen to it in the car.
If he is going to be a jerk and force you to listen to something you dislike, I see it as being completely reasonable to wear some form of earplugs or headphones to block it out.
Following on from that, if he would rather have someone to chat to, then there is an easy solution – choose music that everyone finds acceptable so you don’t feel the need to have to block it out completely.” nrsys
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
He sucks for not being more agreeable, but it is his car and the driver gets to pick the music.
What if there was an emergency or something? How would you be able to hear him?
You said it yourself that you’re rarely in the car now.
30mins isn’t that long to listen to music you don’t like, but you can get into a lot of trouble and emergencies in that 30mins.
Wear headphones, sure. They don’t have to be (nor should they be) noise canceling. You can try talking to him, but it’s probably best just to learn to drive. He won’t always be there to drive you everywhere.” PotentialDementor
1. AITJ For Keeping A Textbook That I Paid For?
“My ex Amy and I dated for 5 years. In January, she started a master’s degree program.
Amy comes from a poor family and has always had multiple jobs herself. She qualifies for some financial aid but is paying for the rest of her degree out of pocket.
She came to me in tears around Christmas saying that she couldn’t afford one of the textbooks that she needed ($200).
I agreed I would buy it for her but she had to keep the book at my house (she has a tendency to lose things) and she said OK.
Anyway, we broke up and Amy’s been blowing up my phone about getting her stuff back, including her textbook. I kinda understand her wanting her makeup and stuff back (which she paid for but to be honest is almost fully used up anyway) but I feel since I paid for the textbook, technically, it belongs to me.
We’ve been fighting about it and I can see both sides
-Amy would use the textbook because finals are coming up -But the semester is almost over and If she hasn’t studied before now (while I’ve had the textbook since we broke up) she’s gonna fail anyway -If I give it to her I’ll never get it back and therefore can’t resell it or get my $200 back
Also if it makes a difference:
Her master’s degree is training her to be a mental health therapist, it’s not like she’s gonna be a scientist or like a brain surgeon lol so one textbook isn’t gonna make or break her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, it would be incredibly cruel of you to take those books away from her, especially right before finals. One textbook can make or break someone in any program, despite the obvious disdain you have for therapy as a profession.
Also, the makeup is HER STUFF, even if it seems empty to you there’s no question you should give it back ASAP.” venus-lvr
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Just give her the book. The end of a five-year relationship must suck regardless of whatever prompted it but without further information that Amy is a bad person, there’s really no reason for you to potentially ding her career aspirations because you have no idea what her study needs are.
Don’t be that guy.” WorkingMagpie
Another User Comments:
“Sounds a bit like YTJ.
From what you have shared you bought the book for her and you have no use for it yourself. You only kept it in your home for safekeeping but that’s no longer your responsibility.
Basically, you’re keeping something you got for her to use that you don’t need. Sounds a bit spiteful to me…” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The textbook was a gift, not a loan.
If you want to be a jerk about it, ask her to sell it when she’s done with it and give you the money. Don’t keep the textbook that she needs for her class. Good grief.” crittab
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