People Want To Pick Our Brains With Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
15. AITJ For Locking Any Food I Make In My Room Away From My Family?
“I (19M) live with my parents and 3 brothers (25, 22, 17). And yeah I pay rent, pay my half of the utilities and buy my own stuff. My parents were pretty big on that if we wanted to keep living there that we have to pay for everything ourselves and help out with bills.
With “shutting down” last year and being stuck at home, I started getting into cooking more and learning how to make new dishes. I bought some cookbooks for beginners and watched YouTube videos.
It became like a hobby for me to cook new stuff. Also baking sometimes. My family just orders takeout so no one really cooks.
My dad started making fun of me being the ‘lady of the house’ because even my mom doesn’t cook.
Then my brothers started to tease sometimes too. Idk why it was such a big deal. They got me a pink apron as a joke gift once.
I work full time so sometimes I don’t get the energy to make a whole dinner when I get home from work so I started cooking weekends and making sure I got enough leftovers for the week.
Guess who started eating whatever leftovers I left in the fridge? My dad. Sometimes my brothers but mainly my dad because I’d get home and he’d be there eating. It didn’t bother me in the beginning but what did is that he still made jokes about me being a sissy.
Yet still eating the food his ‘sissy’ son makes. I’ve told him he’s a hypocrite for doing this but doesn’t see it as anything because it’s food for the family according to him.
Last week I made lemon garlic butter chicken thighs with green beans and I was craving it like crazy at work. When I got home it was gone. So that really got to me and on the weekend I bought myself a mini-fridge with a lock to put in my room and that’s where I’m putting whatever dinner I make.
Now my dad is getting all annoyed for overreacting to his jokes and being stingy with my food. I already told them I don’t like the jokes they make and that they still think it’s fine to eat my food.
Like I’m fine with making some for them but not if they keep calling me stuff for it. That’s why I’d rather just keep it from them. They’re still telling me I’m being too dramatic and my mom agrees since they’re only playing around with me.
So now I don’t know. Was it too much that I’m locking my food away in my room and not wanting them to have any?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You pay bills and rent.
You buy your own food. They can go pound sand. It sounds to me like you may need to start working on your exit strategy because the bullying will only get worse now that you’ve begun to push back.
I have four children (24f, 22m, 19f, 12m). The older three all work. The 22m just got a new job after being off for over a year so we’ve been buying his food/drinks/snacks.
The girls buy their own and often spring for food (to cook or takeout) for the entire family. Both girls have small fridges in their rooms and keep a lot of their stuff there (more for convenience than anything; we got the oldest her fridge first, after she stepped on a kitten last Halloween and broke her leg, so she could have things easily accessible without having to hobble down the stairs).
Things they keep downstairs, if they want it for themselves they write their name on it. WE DO NOT TOUCH A LABELED ITEM, PERIOD. Even my 12yo has enough respect for them that he will not touch anything with a name on it.
Your family is exhibiting a distinct and pervasive lack of respect for you – my older son cooks and guess what, he’s pretty darn good at it, so we praise and encourage him.
Both girls cook and are also good at it. We all enjoy cooking for each other. If somebody wants leftovers for the next day (work lunch or whatever), they pack it up and slap a sticky note on it – and they get to have it.
Your family will likely never change. I think what you have done is perfectly reasonable given their lack of respect for boundaries or for you. And your mom not stepping up is just as bad – they aren’t simply ‘playing around,’ they are being deliberately hurtful and disrespectful.
And immature, if you want to include that on the list. So I will say it once more for those in the back: N T J!” MysticStorm1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In fact, turn up the heat on them! Make their favorite dishes, waft the smell their way, ask them to taste a little sauce here or there- but do not share even one full bite with them.
Break them this way until one-by-one, they’ve all stopped picking on you and begin pitching a little amount and doing a little prep work just to join your meals. I’m sure your dad would be the boss fight in this game, so even when you think he’s stopped, salt the wound a little and don’t offer to share at all for at least a week after he’s stopped being a jerk.
He’s being incredibly unfair, and I just don’t think people of that nature deserve a good meal. Let him either go broke eating takeout every night, or let him eat unflavored boiled hotdogs and watery Mac and cheese forever.
After you’re totally positive he’s learned his lesson, maybe then use your discretion and start sharing.
But let’s discuss the mother for a minute… what is she doing that she’s letting this happen? Yeah, no food for her either, even if she’s not the one picking on you.
For shame on the lady who lets her child be bullied like that.
Alternative plan: break one brother, and only allow him to help and eat no matter what the others do.
Start a war, my friend. Take no prisoners here.
Lastly, definitely NTJ. Your time, work, and food (money) is not inherently your family’s because the oldest dude in the house says so.
Keep locking it up. If they break in, move out. You said you pay something like half utilities? So you and your parents split that 50/50? Do your brothers not contribute? Something seems odd, but maybe they contribute to a different bill entirely? Either way, you bought the food.
You cooked it. It’s yours, and yours to decide who gets some. If you choose no one else but yourself, so be it. Treat them like roommates and landlords if they make you pay to rent and stuff – that’s not family, that’s business.” Rjin-
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Good on you for learning how to cook and sticking with it despite the trashy jokes! Cooking is an awesome skill to have regardless of gender.
I think it’s weird that someone would not want to learn to cook because it’s ‘feminine’, like how is it manly to have to rely on someone else for something as basic as food?
Your dad (with your whole family) is the jerk for being disgustingly misogynistic, for trying to make you feel bad for doing something you obviously enjoy and doesn’t harm anyone, for trying to benefit from the very thing he tries so hard to make you feel bad about, and even if he didn’t, for eating the food you paid for and made for yourself without your permission! Yes, he’s your dad but given you’re paying rent and everything he’s nothing more than a housemate for this kind of thing. I hope you can move out of this toxic environment sooner than later.” pakichtu
14. AITJ For Kicking My Parents Out Of My House?
“I (41m) have two kids. ‘Marcus’ (16m) and ‘Maria’ (15f). Marcus is quite quiet, introverted and likes to do art, and enjoys volunteering at charity events with advertising by creating posters and doing some work.
Maria has much more active hobbies such as mixed martial arts and likes shooting at gun ranges. Maria also has endometriosis and Marcus has taken on almost a motherly role when she is in pain sometimes.
My father (65m) and mother (66f) asked if they could move in with us at the start of the health crisis due to the fact they are higher-risk individuals. My father and I had a rough relationship when I was younger because he always believed in hard love so he doesn’t know much about Marcus and Maria.
My parents would both always comment (to me) about Marcus and Maria’s behaviors and hobbies with comments such as ‘He’s not very manly’ or ‘that’s not very ladylike’ and other such comments.
I have expressed my dislike towards them but he has pestered and I allowed him to as I wouldn’t be able to change his beliefs. It did anger me but I learned to deal with it.
Earlier today I ran into a problem at work and had to stay a bit later so my parents cooked for Marcus and Maria. When I came home, Maria and Marcus were both quite visibly upset so I asked them what was wrong.
They said that they had told Maria to just suck it up while she was in pain and told Marcus that he needed to stop being weak or he would be a useless man when he grew up.
I saw red at this and told my parents to get out, they obviously put up a protest but they left.
They called me and left numerous voice mails about how I wouldn’t care if they were to get sick.
Now that I have had some time to rethink my actions I think I’m a jerk because I should have tried and explained my issues with their comments again instead of doing something like kicking them out in the spur of the moment so AITJ? Other info: they don’t pay rent or bills and I divorced their mother and got full custody.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for kicking them out, though you may be the jerk for not stamping down on your dad’s comments undermining your kids sooner.
I know it’s not easy to stand up to such stuff, but for the sake of your kids, you really need to be in their corner over this, so that’s a VERY mild the jerk for that.
If you haven’t already, I’d suggest therapy for you and your kids. A man like your dad leaves a wake of people needing help, sadly.
Anyone can change with sufficient motivation and help, but the key is that they have to want to.
Your dad doesn’t have to be such a jerk, he just enjoys it.
You may be the jerk if you’d said what I would have when they started trying to guilt you over them getting sick.
I would have told him to take some of his own advice and ‘Suck it up’ and that he was being a ‘useless man’ if he couldn’t deal with it. Maybe being on the receiving end might open his eyes to how awful he treats other people.
‘Tough love’ is just spin bullies stick on their actions to make you accept them. It’s not because they care, it’s a show of dominance and superiority. It simultaneously undermines you and shows that they’re ‘better’ than you.” Cooky1993
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your kids needed that response from you, letting them know that those actions aren’t okay. They need to feel protected and know that who they are as people is worthy.
Seriously, you have a boy that cares, and a girl that can kick some serious butt.
This misogynism and toxic masculinity are disgusting. The concept that boys have to be one way and girls have to be another is abhorrent. That they waited until you were gone to dress them down like that…
it would be enough to cut them out of my kid’s life. My kid’s sanity wouldn’t be safe with them. You already said what they were doing wasn’t okay. as said above, they waited until you were gone to say what they said, so they knew that it wouldn’t be okay with you.
Kids are safe first, then parents and boundaries.
Set simple boundaries. ‘I’ve told you this is unacceptable. You did it anyway, and not only that waited until I was gone to do so.
You can’t live in my home with them anymore. If you can find a way to apologize to the kids then maybe, maybe I will encourage them to try seeing you again.
But you may have burnt your bridge with them, and if they never want to speak with you again, I won’t make them.’ That’s it. Lectures won’t work and waste your time.
Set the boundary and leave.” Drag0nqueen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for kicking them out, as their misogyny and toxic masculinity is harmful and outdated. However, YTJ for letting it slide in the first place because that’s ‘just how they are.’ You aren’t the one who has to deal with the comments directly, and by allowing that behavior you were showing your kids that you saw that level of abuse as acceptable and inescapable, thereby teaching by example that one must suffer abuse from family/loved ones who refuse to change rather than establishing and upholding boundaries.
While you did ultimately stand your ground and put a stop to it, some damage to trust from your children may have already been done depending on how long you let it go on before then.
Overall you seem like a great, supportive parent who encourages their kids to do what they find interesting, archaic gender roles be darned. You seem to love your kids and want to protect them, and my criticism above is more geared towards what your actions prior to the breaking point said in practice, not in assuming actual intention.” artslave13
13. AITJ For "Using Hot Sauce Like An Idiot"?
“I love hot sauce. My favorite is Tabasco, but I just love all hot sauce. For years I’ve carried a mini bottle of Tabasco in my purse and some emergency mini packets in my wallet.
I don’t pull it out at restaurants because it’s in poor taste in my culture and most restaurants don’t allow it. It’s mostly for take-out eaten on the go or for when I go to spice intolerant close friends’ houses.
I’m also weird in that I don’t put it all over my food or mix it in, I’ll put a few drops or a squirt on individual bites of food because I like to alternate between spicy and regular bites.
When I’m out at restaurants I tend to hog the bottle of hot sauce so I normally ask for two bottles so that other people that enjoy hot sauce aren’t inconvenienced.
With that background info out of the way, here’s what happened. Recent restrictions have loosened so my husband and some friends of ours went out to a restaurant with outdoor dining to get some drinks and dinner.
One of our friends brought her new partner, Jim, whom none of us have met before, and honestly, he seemed off from the start. He openly ogled me and other women in our group.
He made a ‘joke’ about how people with down syndrome are a drain to society after a friend updated us on how her daughter with down syndrome was doing, and he consistently talked down to my friend.
When our food arrived, I asked for a second bottle of hot sauce and began to do my thing with it. When he saw what I was doing, Jim gave me the dirtiest look then asked why I was ‘using hot sauce like an idiot.’ I briefly explained to him why and he then turned to my friend/his girl and told her ‘you didn’t tell me your OP was a stupid idiot’.
I’m not gonna lie, I saw red. I told him off about everything wrong he’d done throughout our get-together and that anywhere he was I would no longer be because he was so disgusting and disrespectful.
I then flagged down our waiter, got a to-go box for my hardly touched meal, paid my and my husband’s tab then walked out. I just couldn’t be around someone like him.
Later I got a text from my friend telling me I humiliated her and that all of our friends followed suit and left because they couldn’t stand him either, and told her that they refused to be around him.
She told me I alienated her and made everyone hate her. I feel like a total jerk now because I didn’t mean to hurt her, I just wanted to get away from her awful bf before I caused an even bigger scene.
She now is begging everyone to give him a second chance and none of us will, and she’s been cursing us out and calling all of us heartless jerks. So, AITJ for this?”
Another User Comments:
“Just because she’s ignoring his disgusting ableist behavior, does not mean everyone else should endure it to keep the peace too.
You guys are doing her a massive favor, as she is obviously trying to make it work with this loser. She’ll have her own doubts no question, this should concrete it for her that the first instincts she’s ignored were correct.
You’re NTJ, your actions were commendable in not putting up with an ignorant person like that. You paved the way for your friends who were all thinking the same thing, to take the same action.
While it’s unfortunate this alienated your friend, she needs to realize that staying with him will end up making her lonely.
I wish more people would do this! Call it out when you see it! There are so many ignorant people around just spitting hateful opinions because they don’t know any better.
We all just stare awkwardly internalizing the feelings of discomfort and hoping the situation passes without incident. You’ve inspired me to speak up more.” renwizzle
Another User Comments:
“You’re definitely NTJ.
The truth is that it seems that everyone thought exactly the same thing as you did and wanted to do the same but was concerned about making a scene and decided to shut up.
So in short you just said out loud what everyone was thinking and gave an excuse to all your friends to do what they wanted to do from the start.
This type of person (the jerk) 100% deserves what just happened to him and my guess is that your friend will (hopefully) eventually ditch him and you will have most likely helped her realize how much of a jerk that dude is.
Love (and hormones) often make people blind and tbh I think if I dated a girl similar to this dude, I’d want my friends to open my eyes before it’s too late.
You did the right thing.
And btw, your use of hot sauce is totally unrelated to this loser’s reaction.
(Also, I 100% do the same thing, but with sriracha).” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your standing up to him was absolutely justified after he goes around insulting everyone and talking down on people.
Had I been the person with the down syndrome’ daughter, I might have been the one to cause the scene way earlier.
Seems like everyone was rightfully annoyed and probably relieved that you get up and left so they could follow suit.
In the case of your friend/his girl: it’s tough for her, she probably doesn’t want to endanger their rather new relationship by telling him off but that’s what she should rightfully be doing.
After all, treating her friends like that is not OK and that’s sooner or later going to cause problems anyway.
As to giving him a second chance: only if there’s the insight on his side that his behavior was rude, otherwise it will just lead to more conflict (might anyway but there’s always a chance)” IeRayne
12. AITJ For Not Helping My Dad While My Mom Goes After Him?
“All of my 18 years of living, my mother always targeted me by screaming. Nothing can satisfy her and her behavior. I always tried to defend myself but got yelled at by my dad and always would get punished or made to shut up.
I had enough and at 18 just a month ago, I moved into my sister’s flat with her husband (which they don’t like him and tried to make him stay away from me.) I’ve been ok until just recently, I got a phone call from my dad.
He was asking if I would help him get away from my mother because she’s started doing the same stuff to him that she did to me.
At first, I was going to until I explained how that’s what she was doing to me for all these years.
He said in a snarly voice ‘she’s your mother and you were wrong to do that.’ I was annoyed! I told him that he can deal with it then if he still has that nonsense belief that kids should be shut up by their parents when they’re in the wrong.
AITJ here? I feel a little bad but not 100% bad as he brought this on himself. Edit: Forgot to add I’m male.
MINI UPDATE: 100% no contact dad is a my mother’s beck and call and is now being forced to clean for her since she’s very lazy and being her punching bag.
My dad kept pleading for me to move back in. I told him this verbatim ‘no! I’m not being a meat shield anymore, you’re on your own. I’m done and so is my sister!””
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
But I think op needs to go easy on your father.
Your mom sounds horrible. She sounds like an abuser who has no doubt targeted you but has also targeted your father maybe since before you were even born.
It will take time for him to realize how much she has sunk her claws into him and how little he did to help and support you.
Either way, he is a victim here as well.
Clearly, you can not be financially supported but maybe you can heal your relationship.
But don’t trust him till you can be certain that he is actually trying to get clear of your mother and not trying to trick you in some way.
Talk to your sister and her husband about this. They will give better advice than anyone here. And would also be better placed to help your dad if he really needs it.” Small_Sundae_4245
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your parents shouldn’t put you in the middle of their marital problems. Apparently, you’re not even financially stable enough to have your own place (if you’re living with your sister & BIL), so how can you take responsibility for getting your father away from your mother? You would be unwise to have anything to do with this situation.
Ideally, you should try to have some sort of relationship with both of them… but on your terms. if one or both of them reject your terms, then know that you’re N T J and move on with your life.” Weskit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Firstly, you are not in a position to take your father in. Your sister and brother-in-law were gracious enough to take you in, so it would be their choice whether to allow your father to stay.
I assume that isn’t an option as you state they tried to get you away from him.
Secondly, your father is a grown man. He is more than capable of dealing with your mother’s behavior.
The way he chose to do that in the past was to allow his CHILD to be the entire focus of her toxic rage. He should have been protecting you. This is not a man who is deserving of your help.” Shinbonezzz
11. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For My Mother's Hospital Bills?
“Shortly after my fifth birthday, my dad found out that I was not biologically his. He immediately threw me and my mother out of his life which now looking back I can’t really blame him.
It would be a nightmare to raise someone who was a constant reminder of your wife’s infidelity.
Shortly after that, we moved from a mansion to a very small apartment and my life has been absolutely lonely and horrible since then, the love that my mother had for me disappeared in an instant and she and my half-siblings (who constantly blame me for being the reason for the divorce) have hated me since.
I was constantly told by my own family including my mother that they all wish that I would die and would have never been born and things like that. I try not to get my half-sibling’s words to get to me since they were kids as well, but it still hurts to this date.
My mother married my stepdad when I was 10 and he and his kids, my stepsiblings, have made it very clear they didn’t like me and things got even worse, I was given the smallest room, no new clothes or things, and constantly ignored if not being bullied by my family.
Both my stepfamily and half-siblings went on great and fantastic trips and were given all the latest gadgets and everything as well while I was left behind. It actually came to the point where no one had wished me even a happy birthday since I was 8 years old.
I had no friends at school as well, I was that ’quiet’ kid who was always isolated and left out of everything.
I (27M now) managed to get a full ride to my dream college and am now financially quite secure.
I now have a very good friend and an amazing fiancé with whom I have a 3-year-old son and her family has adopted me as one of their own. My fiance also convinced me to go to therapy for which I am very grateful for as well and I am basically doing great in life and have moved past everything.
Recently, my mother contacted me a few days ago saying she needed my help (financial actually) cause she has cancer and I firmly but politely refused her saying that while I sympathize with her situation, it is not my responsibility and she should lose my number and never contact me again.
I am now hounded by my stepfamily and even my half-siblings that I shouldn’t refuse and my response was pretty much the same and have blocked them as well. Yesterday my mother called me from her friend’s phone this time ordering me to pay since she has sacrificed so much for me to which I replied, ‘You never sacrificed anything, you gave away everything you had cause you just couldn’t keep your eyes off another man.” And hung up on her.
I have blocked them all. I now just keep receiving messages calling me a jerk among other things from new numbers which I promptly block, but now occasionally I feel quite guilty.
What my mother did was horrible yes, but no one deserves to die for such things.
So, AITJ for refusing to pay my mother’s hospital bill even though it may lead to her harm?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
But you need to check your opinions of women. The reality of what happened to you is on both parents.
I am truly sorry she treated you like trash. And you give your dad a pass for leaving because, why? How is that okay to abandon a child who had no hand in his own making? He could have stepped up to the plate while being kind to you, even if he didn’t get along with the mother.
You didn’t deserve any of the abuse, and you don’t have to pay her bills. If I were you, I would tell her exactly what you said here, how you weren’t taken care of, not given any clothes, not provided the joy of human kindness, or even family vacations.
She needs to understand that she did nothing to deserve good treatment, and she reaps what she sows. Your step-siblings deserve to see it too.
But you aren’t completely out of it, as family history tends to enmesh itself in a person.
You have an unhealthy way of looking at women, and an unhealthy way of looking at children who, by virtue of being born from a tryst, deserve, in your mind, nothing?
Good luck.” BlackSeranna
Another User Comments:
“Honestly I got to the paragraph where your mother allowed your new family to neglect and abuse you to make a judgment.
You were a helpless child and the person who should have protected you just decided she didn’t give a darn.
And you’re right. She didn’t sacrifice anything on your behalf. She got caught having an affair and trying to pass you off as someone else’s child, what did she think was going to happen? And yes while you wouldn’t have been born, she wouldn’t have put herself in the position of losing her fancy house and I’m guessing free ride if she didn’t step out on her marriage.
Keeping a roof over your head and food in your stomach and (used) clothes on your back are the bare minimum, but she doesn’t even meet THAT standard because she didn’t keep you safe.
So yeah, you don’t owe her ANYTHING. If she’s in such desperate need of funding, she can ask any of these awful people who are now harassing you to help her out.
Why doesn’t she ask your ‘stepdad’ or any of those kids she treats exponentially better than you for help? I’m sure that there is also a number of programs that can provide assistance.
The last point that I want to make is that cancer often leaves people that have excellent insurance and hefty savings in the bank utterly destitute. You need to look out for your future, your fiancée, and you have a duty and obligation to look after your son.
NTJ.” smartiesmouth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she’s not dying because she was a horrible mother to you. She’s getting weak because she got unlucky and developed cancer before her body naturally gave out.
You have absolutely no responsibility for somebody who abandoned you when you had absolutely no way of fending for yourself. Someone who abused you throughout your entire life, including the critical development period.
Someone who blamed an innocent child for their own mistakes.
If I were you I would contact anybody who allowed your family to use their name to contact you and tell them exactly how you were treated during your childhood and tell them that if they care so much about your mom they should lend her the coin.
I guarantee they’ll never allow your mom to use them in that way, your mom’s reputation in her social circle will diminish but yours will go up, which might help you out in future fights against your stepfamily if you choose to still interact with them or at the very least it’ll hurt your step family’s social standing once it’s known that they didn’t take care of their own..” Substantial_Revolt
10. AITJ For Trying To Take Home A Lot Of Food From Our Potluck?
“Last weekend I invited my neighbors over for a potluck/pool party, nothing big just the neighbors in my culdesac. Everyone has kids around the same age so it was a good time for everyone.
There is this Indian couple that lives near us call them Pooja & Jim. Now Pooja’s cooking is incredible and she brought over some samosas and chicken tikka masala. Samosas as the appetizer and chicken tikka for lunch.
Now we have this other neighbor call her Lindsey. Lindsey loves Pooja’s cooking. When it came to the samosas, she and her husband really went to town on them. It was a bit rude in my opinion filling up your plate with them, not everyone got to have some.
I didn’t say anything.
But this is what got annoying. When I opened up the food for lunch, Lindsey first takes a big plate of food. And then 5 minutes later, she says she and her family have to go home, and that she is gonna take some food back with her.
I was like sure, and then the entire aluminum tray of chicken tikka (that people are still taking food from) she tries to take.
I was like okay this is a bit too much, I was like hey Lindsey, people are still eating food right now.
I’ll have my son bring you guys over after people are done. She then gets mad saying that she brought a big tray of muffins (she didn’t even bake these they are from Costco).
And that she is just taking her fair share. It got really weird, it was like she just got super territorial of the food. And says that I am targeting her.
My wife steps in and is like no we just want to make sure there is food for everyone. She then starts angry crying, puts the food back, and says we humiliated her and that we only did this because she is a fat girl.
Pooja and Jim step in and they are like no it’s okay you can take the food, we can make some more it’s no worries. And if we are low on food we will just order pizza.
Lindsey leaves and her children leave shortly after.
I didn’t want to humiliate Lindsey, I just wanted to ensure that there was enough food for everyone. And it’s just rude leaving a party early and then taking a lot of the food with you.
Pooja tells me that I shouldn’t have said anything that she is actually flattered that Lindsey liked her food that much.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I mean it’s nice that Pooja is flattered but it’s not really her party.
Food is like a gift at a potluck. And that food/gift needs to be shared with all the other guests. So taking the food that is still being eaten, isn’t very nice.
And unfortunately, Pooja’s logic also doesn’t make much sense to me. What was she going to do? Run back home and make more chicken tikka masala right then and there for near the end of the party? Or was she suggesting she had extras at home? Maybe she could’ve said I’ll make Lindsey some later tonight and bring it over tomorrow, instead of making an entire party wait for food?
I think since you were hosting the party, what you did was fair.
Lindsey was not your only guest. So you wanted to ensure everyone else had food. And in general, I think everyone knows you don’t take food from a potluck until it’s towards the end of the party.
If you don’t show up grab food on plates, take an entire dish, and leave.” PettyHonestThrowaway
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No one gets leftover food from a potluck until the party is over and EVERYONE is leaving.
Typically the host gets it if they provide the space because they get to clean before and after, provide things such as a restroom (hey, TP has gotten expensive), and end up providing other things necessary for the potluck to work.
Plus you provided use of the pool, which probably included extra towels meaning more laundry (someone never brings any or enough). If the host feels nice enough to share any leftovers, then people get to take food.
It isn’t a food quantity for a food quantity trade because some go into people’s stomachs. In the future if she is invited and wants to leave and take food, your response should be, let me make you a plate to take home.
That way you can control what she takes.” holisarcasm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but if the folks with the giant brains here can consider the possibility that 2 things can happen at the same time! She can genuinely be a clueless or selfish person who’s grabbing a thing she wants AND feel shamed and harassed bc there is literally one thing only that fat women can eat in public without getting anything for it and that is a salad.
My friend’s mother commented on her eating baby carrots, saying, ‘those have a lot of sugar’ so maybe even salad isn’t safe.
I know it’s wild to consider that maybe someone was being socially awkward and clueless and entitled and also has some areas that are sensitive subjects.
Also, sometimes people cry! Like holy heck! You can be in the wrong and upset and frustrated and start crying bc you cry easily! That doesn’t make you evil or manipulative – it makes you someone who is both wrong and also crying!
OP you were NTJ for stopping her from taking something that people were enjoying.
Her behavior was out of line. You shouldn’t have to silently wish she’d be more considerate, you can speak up and say so. I don’t think you were shaming her for being a fat woman eating food.
BUT I think you can understand that’s a sensitive subject. If you have a great deal of generosity of spirit, you might apologize and say you’re sorry your comments hit a nerve, that you wanted to make sure everyone got to try the delicious chicken.
Maybe decide on a specific way to handle leftovers such as once everyone has served themselves or send folks home with them. What she was trying to do was actually not ok and it needed to be said. So I’m glad you spoke up even if things went sideways.” Razrgrrl
9. AITJ For Refusing To Let Someone Order An Item Off The Menu?
“I’m a waitress at a restaurant chain known for their ice cream. (Do with that what you will) and I have a semi-regular family that comes in every once in a while.
Every time they come in they order their youngest child Mac and cheese. The first time I served them, the child threw up all over the booth. I didn’t think much of it, just that he was sick or had an upset stomach.
I cleaned up the booth.
The next time was the same thing. Mac and cheese then puke. Again in the booth and on the table.
This is an every time occurrence, the kid orders Mac end cheese then throws up.
The kid never gets to the bathroom, and most of the time he doesn’t even make an attempt to leave the table. I believe once he started walking to the bathroom.
This most recent time they came in and I was their waitress the child went to order Mac and cheese again, and I asked the mom. ‘Is he okay to have that? He gets sick every time…’ the mom said ‘Oh yah Kraft Mac and Cheese makes him sick, but he wants it’.
I said ‘ma’am, I’m sorry but I don’t think your child should order this if you know he’s going to puke from eating it. And quite frankly I really don’t want to have to clean up vomit tonight.’
The mom threw a bit of a fit, but when I said, ‘Why are you allowing your child to order a food that makes him sick, just to have someone else clean it up?’ And the manager had come over and was agreeing with me, she ordered him chicken tenders and fries instead.
Was I in the wrong for not wanting/allowing him to order the Mac and cheese that makes him sick? I’ve shared this story with a few people and I’ve had some mixed reactions.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
At the simplest, unless they are tipping you incredibly well to cover dealing with cleaning up vomit each time, it is simple maths – they are knowingly causing you additional, unpleasant work, which is not appropriate and it is fair to preempt that and stop them.
It is also pretty inappropriate to have a vomiting child in a restaurant – while it may be unexpected and unavoidable sometimes, it is something that is pretty nasty for everyone nearby when they are trying to eat a meal, so if you can prevent it from happening that is definitely preferable for the comfort of all of your other customers.
Lastly and most importantly, is ‘my child always vomits when he eats this’ not ringing alarm bells for his mother? If a portion of food is disagreeing with him badly enough that he chucks it up reliably every time he eats it that seems like a pretty clear sign that he has an allergy or intolerance of some form and definitely shouldn’t be eating it.
Knowingly allowing him to eat it when you know he has a bad response is shockingly bad parenting and essentially abuse…
So no, while it may be considered overstepping your boundaries to police a families order, in this case for the sake of the child, your other customers, and your own happiness, you are absolutely in the clear and doing the right thing” nrsys
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This is disgusting. Cheesy vomit that she thinks you have to clean up for them on top of purposely putting her child through that stomach pain and distress… for Kraft?? Ugh.
I had a couple that came in and everyone essentially prayed to the waiting gods that they weren’t sat in their section because the man vomited after he ate and almost never tried to make it to the bathroom.
One of us once questioned why and he said he just pukes after he eats and he’s not going to the doctor because ‘what if they give him bad news’. I’m like well what if we stab you to death with a dull steak knife because you’re a fully grown man who knows what’s about to happen and you don’t even haul butt to the bathroom?
Anyway, the owner was a big grizzly man and found out and essentially broke bad.
The dude somehow always made it to the bathroom after that.” UsefulCauliflower3
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
What they are doing could be considered a form of abuse because they are neglecting to teach their son that despite his liking mac/cheese, it makes him sick and he should avoid eating it (at least for now).
Either they haven’t taken him to a doctor to have the issue checked into or they have and are ignoring any doctor’s advice to avoid it or give him medicine to help him tolerate it.
Either way is another form of abuse. The child doesn’t know any better, so it’s not on him in any way. It’s up to the parents to recognize what is or isn’t good for him and to make decisions for his benefit based on that.
Child’s welfare aside, what they are doing is unsanitary. Yes, people vomit at times, but when it’s a known result with no attempts to prevent it, then it’s spreading of germs and running the risk of a domino effect.
What if a health inspector was there enjoying a meal and not only witnessed it but found out that it was already known that the kid vomits upon eating mac/cheese? It wouldn’t surprise me if that in and of itself violates some health code.
Discuss this idea with the same manager, where if they return and they try to let him get mac/cheese again, they can do so but only after providing a $100 cash deposit and prepaying for their entire meal.
If the kid doesn’t throw up, they get the $100 back. Otherwise, it’s kept and used to cover meals of others who were nearby and felt sick because of the experience.
Anything over $25 remaining gets returned to them ($25 to the person who cleans it up) the next time they show up. If they are unwilling to comp the meals of others because of their disregard for the child’s health, and unwilling to pay a cleaning fee, then NO ONE at that able may eat mac/cheese while eating there (be it ordering it or getting it from someone else).
Once they are faced with the consequences of their disrespectful decisions, they may either stop returning or may at least accept that they aren’t going to get away with that crap.
Please let us know if they return.” Fangs_McWolf
8. AITJ For Not Wanting To Create An Expense Report For My Partner's Inheritance?
“I have supported us financially for nearly 8 years. He quits jobs like he quits styles, so I have been the breadwinner (and often the ONLY source of income) for our entire relationship.
His father died recently, and he inherited some amount. Now he wants ‘an itemized report of where his every dime goes’… like I get that he wants to make sure the moolah is spent wisely, but, I have always cleared every purchase with him even when it was ‘my’ money because I feel like it is our funds/our income even if it was my paycheck…
now he suddenly inherits moolah (for perspective, it’s still less than my salary, so we’re not talking millions of dollars or anything crazy) and wants to know where HIS money is spent.
I said, ‘ok, I will do that for you, but I find it interesting that you never questioned how the funds were being spent when it wasn’t ‘yours’ and it was ‘ours’…
I’ve now decided to withdraw ‘his’ funds from the checking account and hand him ‘his’ amount so he can spend it and keep track of it himself (in the morning, when the bank opens)…
so he’s annoyed and doesn’t understand why I’m annoyed.
AITJ for getting mad that my partner wants to account for ‘every dime of HIS funds’ when I’ve been supporting us for 7+ years and he’s never been interested in our finances prior?
Edit: I can’t just evict him, he is on the lease and has tenants’ rights.
It would cost $2200 and a 60-day notice to break the lease, which only has 3 months left anyway so that option doesn’t make sense.
We aren’t married, no kids (nor do I want or can have them anyway), so I don’t need to worry about divorce or ‘the future children’.
It was a life insurance payout so legally it wouldn’t be seen as income or communal property. Although the fair/respectable thing to do would be for him to make it part of our household, he doesn’t have to nor can I make him do so.
UPDATE: I told him we will be opening a separate account with his inheritance money in it – he can get a job and direct deposit into said account if he chooses, but the purpose of the account is to separate ‘his’ funds from ‘mine’.
We hate our apartment so neither of us was planning on staying here after the lease anyways. Not sure what the living situation will look like afterward, but we both know we need to plan on moving within the next few months.
We are dividing the funds (not 50/50, because I don’t think that is appropriate given it being his inheritance money) and I will have a portion of it to ‘repay’ some of the expenses he’s cost me over the years.
I broke down his annual expenses (again) and told him he can either pay for it out of his money or get a job; I don’t care where the funds comes from, but paying his share of the bills is non-negotiable.
Again this won’t be a 50/50 split (I earn a decent amount and don’t want to run through his inheritance in mere months) but he needs to be responsible for himself.
He looked shocked but agreed with my terms. I’ve always been fair (or given myself the shorter end of the stick because I know I can bounce back faster than he can) so he had no reason to distrust me from the beginning of this.
I think he realizes that now. He knows he’s impulsive and judges poorly with money, and I’ve always made sure he was provided for. Hopefully, this was the wake-up call he needed…
if not, at least it will be over in a couple of months.
UPDATE 2 (a couple of weeks later): he paid off a credit card that I maxed out supporting him, and will be paying off the balance on my truck.
So he is essentially splitting the funds with me now.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! What are you doing with this loser? Do you really not love yourself to have put up with this? He’s like a child.
Quitting jobs repeatedly? Living off your funds like he is entitled to it but doesn’t want to share whatever is in his pocket? He’s selfish. He’s immature. He’s a user. He reminds me of my ex.
He used to borrow coins from me all the time and never pay me back and I was too shy to ask for it. He was also lazy and couldn’t amount to much.
He lost his mind when I wouldn’t pay for his smoke tickets even though I told him to stop smoking and driving with it because at that point I knew I wouldn’t get it back.
I would post about him and ask people for advice and they all said I should leave him but I always took him back. I regret that. I hope you listen to us.
Leave him. There are men out there who would never expect you to pay more than what is fair for you. Heck, my current partner would literally spend his last cent on me (not that I would let him but it’s the thought that counts).
And trust me, you can only upgrade from here on out.” DaughterOfWarlords
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Look, you sound like a kind-hearted, decent person. But your problem is not finances, or tracking expenses. The problem is much more fundamental – your SO’s values, or lack of them.
The attitude he has could translate equally badly to many other areas of life. It’s how he perceives your life together (jobs and finances included) and how he doesn’t consider your perspective and feelings.
You mention he has mental health issues, but whatever they are, do they explain this inability to see things logically and fairly?
Fundamental character traits and personal values aside, I think you need to sit down with him and talk finances BUT, and this is important, don’t discuss any low-level detail.
No word of accounts, tracking, salary, inheritance. Instead, you need to start with the highest level principles of how your finances will be handled.
I wish you well, whatever you do.” swedishchef2014
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’ve read through it your history, and it looks like you’ve been playing with the thought of leaving him for a while, nows is the best time for it.
Don’t give it a couple of months till your lease ends, you’ll change your mind again and be back here complaining about him again like a vicious cycle it’s become.
Your not right for each other, and the sad thing is that he let it get so far without change and now he’s trying to hang money over your head.
Do you know how much you’ll save having him just go?
Break up, tell him you’ll take over a separate bedroom or lounge room, but going forward you are not his partner, and you are now a roommate until the lease is over, he has X amount of months to find another place and a job to support himself, to make it easier you’ll continue to cover rent and bills, but he can fend for himself, if either of you starts seeing someone else then not to bring them back to the house, go to there’s.
If he moves out beforehand he has no financial obligation and is free to leave early, but when he’s got somewhere else to go to take everything that belongs with him because you’ll be changing the locks.
This isn’t fixable anymore, and it’s now time for you to mentally prepare yourself to move on.
Thank goodness you haven’t got children together, it’s going to make it so much better for you to take care of yourself and rediscover a love for yourself that you haven’t had for many years.
Get your hair done, buy a new handbag and shoes that go with it, get a couple more outfits, take time for just yourself, walking or dancing to music, in three to four months start testing the waters again in the relationship pool, if you want.
The fact is that’s there no better time to start treating yourself better. There is no good timing to breaking up, like a band-aid it’s better just to rip it off.
You brought yourself up so much, working hard, dedicating yourself mentally and physically to this ‘man’, if he had done even 50% of the work you’ve put into the relationship you more than likely wouldn’t find yourself wanting this nightmare to end.
Also, I want to point out that he is financially abusive with not just his money but also yours, he has made nothing but excuses for why he is unable to help support the household and you, and that has made you bear the burden of working your butt off to provide.” JustKiddiNg13
7. AITJ For Buying My Fiancé A Lab-Grown Diamond Ring?
“I (30m) proposed to my (then) partner (27f) of 5 years last month, it was wonderful and she said yes, and we were never happier.
Last week was when the trouble started, as she asked me how much I had spent on her ring.
I told her that I had spent about $20,000 on it that I had been squirreling away for the last 10 years. (When I first started saving, I was planning on building a kit car but when I started seriously considering proposing I decided it was worth spending moolah on the ring.) She was initially floored that I had spent so much but later became suspicious that I had managed to get such a large stone (3.6 karats.) for the price, and asked to see the diamond certificate I got with the ring.
I, of course, showed it to her (I thought she was worried I had been duped into buying a fake) and when she saw it was lab-grown she got upset that I hadn’t bought her a ‘real’ diamond.
This reaction stunned me for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I had always been open in my distaste for the natural diamond industry, and secondly because I had employed the assistance of her friends and mother and everyone agreed that she wouldn’t care if the diamond was lab-grown.
Over the last week I have explained to her multiple times my reasons for going lab-grown, (It is better for the environment, I know the exact origin of the stone, so I know it isn’t a conflict stone, and ultimately it is better value for the money and I wanted to get her the most beautiful ring possible) and that lab-grown diamonds are in every way real diamonds and that they are also indistinguishable from natural ones unless you look at their certificate.
I have also pointed out that she had no clue and would have never known if I hadn’t told her the price of her ring. But she insists that she can tell a difference and it is just not the same.
Yesterday she asked me if I would be willing to exchange it for a natural stone of equivalent value. Normally I would be happy to, but I spent months searching for the perfect ring for her, and also, though the value was the biggest reason for me, the idea of potentially getting a blood diamond really does sicken me.
So I said no, and said if she wanted to give the ring back and end our relationship, that is fine, but I would not exchange it. She called me a jerk and went to stay the night with her parents.
Since then I have received multiple texts from her friends telling me to just acquiesce and exchange the ring (and, ultimately, I will if it means saving the relationship) but I just feel like this is something worth being firm on.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
So, a few things – you’re not the jerk here for proposing, however you’re being ab little unfair IMHO. Yes, you get better $/ct for lab-grown as a consumer, and yes, you consulted her friends & family, but she’s telling you ‘this isn’t what I want to wear every day’ – do you really want her to look at her ring and think of this conflict you’re currently having? If she had asked you to spend more, I’d say NTJ, but she’s asking to exchange the ring for something of equal value, which is why I think she’s NTJ either.
That said, a few things (and I say this as someone who owns a jewelry store & sells lab-grown & ethically sourced mined diamonds – these are things I’d tell my clients):
• Lab-grown diamonds absolutely do not hold the same type of value ‘as an investment’ that natural diamonds do – there are a lot of complex reasons for this, including the fact that many in the industry won’t have anything to do with them (not saying I agree with this, it’s just a fact).
Prices have been going down quite a bit with LG stones, and it seems like that’s going to continue, from my perspective.
• Whether lab-grown diamonds are actually ‘more eco-friendly’ is highly debatable – the amount of energy you need to create a diamond in a controlled environment is ludicrous, and you’ll see any of the labs that create diamonds totally leave that information out of their consumer-facing websites
• There are plenty of ways to find ethically sources mined diamonds – make sure you’re working with a store that is Kimberly Process compliant and that your stone has an origin report, buy a vintage diamond, or buy a Canada Mark diamond that’s been mined in Canada
My point here isn’t to support mined diamonds over lab-grown – I feel that’s a personal choice, but that the person wearing the piece of jewelry should be involved in that choice.
It’s really unfair to ask your fiance to wear a ring she’s not really happy with when you’ve apparently purchased it somewhere with an extended return policy – it seems like exchanging the stone for a smaller natural stone would solve the issue, and depending on the ring itself, you can probably swap the head to accommodate the new stone so that you’re still using the ring you proposed with.
This got wordy, but I guess my point is that she’s asking you for a reasonable compromise – she’s not asking you to spend more, she’s asking you to let her wear a ring she’s genuinely happy with that’s within your budget.
I understand your perspective about value, but the stone being natural is clearly important to her, and if you can exchange the ring for something she adores, that’s what I’d do.
Any time I have a bridal client considering lab-grown diamonds, I confirm with them that their soon-to-be-fiancé is on board – this is just one of those things that really boils down to personal preference, and like I said, it only seems fair the person wearing the jewelry should get a say.
Congrats on your engagement & best of luck!” InnocuousTerror
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Save yourselves and any potential children the heartache and move on separately. Neither of you is ready for marriage.
She’s the jerk for asking the price and for making such a huge issue of it. It’s the ring the man she says she loves gave as a sign of his pledge to marry.
How freakin’ materialistic.
OP is the jerk for also making such a big deal of it. Being a bit hurt that his efforts were rejected? Sure. But calling off the engagement unless she agrees to wear a piece of jewelry she doesn’t like? What an overreaction.
If OP loves her, he’ll want her to be happy. He’ll want her to wear and look at that ring with pride and pleasure for decades. It would cost him nothing but a little pride to do the swap.
If she means so little to him now, they’ll never make it to the 10-year mark.
(BTW OP: Isn’t it true that the most treasured classic cars are ones with all factory parts? Knockoffs may be just as good or better, and you may get more for your buck, but a knockoff will never get the same respect.
Same with a man-made diamond. It may look the same, function the same, and be a better value, but it just isn’t the same. Of all of the pieces of jewelry a woman owns, it seems to me that her engagement ring is the worst to create with a knockoff diamond.
)
Just admit the love (if there is any) isn’t strong enough, shake hands and move on to partners you really care about.” horsendogguy
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I think this is a matter of perspective.
I (absolutely) agree with you that the risk of getting conflict diamonds is way too high, that the natural diamond trade probably contains very few fully ethically sourced stones, and if you want a sparkly rock made of carbon, lab growing them is the way to go.
However. There is more to it than that, potentially. Like, emotionally, precious stones have this mystique because they are these rare, fantastic things, hidden in the earth, brought to light, polished, and cut until they are perfect.
That process seems like a metaphor for relationships, and somehow ‘I got some guys in lab coats to make one order’ does feel to me like somehow it misses the point of having a diamond engagement ring.
If the symbolism is ‘I found this precious, unique thing’, then having one that you could literally make another one just the same tomorrow kind of breaks that symbolism, and even if that’s not someone’s conscious reason for objecting to a manufactured stone, I can see how you might instinctively see one kind of stone as precious, and another kind as trash.
Now, obviously, the romance of ‘natural’ diamonds gets broken pretty fast when you look at the industrial process by which they are obtained. Two million people get married in the US every year, so if you think your diamond engagement ring is in any sense a unique item, you’re fooling yourself.
But I think to an extent, fooling ourselves about the uniqueness of our relationships is the point. And what’s happened here, by finding out about the manufactured stone, is that the story attached to that stone is all wrong.
So the physical properties of this stone are not what’s important here.
I think the two of you might find yourself at an impasse. Have you discussed with her how you feel about natural stones? She doesn’t think something artificial and manufactured symbolizes your relationship, and I think you could understand that.
You don’t think that something gotten through the suffering and death of other people symbolizes your relationship, and I think maybe she could understand that? Explain your decisions, and decide between you if there’s an object, maybe not even an actual diamond, that symbolizes your relationship? She at least needs to understand that your reasoning for not wanting natural stones is not just your being clever and getting more carats for your buck.” MercuryJellyfish
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Do you want an engagement and a wedding or do you want marriage? Because a ring is a thing, an object, and yes it represents stuff, and right now it represents that you don’t care about her options or wishes.
I hope one day the whole stupid wanting it to be a surprise stops. The ring is meant to show how you understand her wants, how you can predict what she will like, buy the ring of her dreams.
Utter nonsense. Most couples are individuals not symbiotic. Just because you think her reason is not valid does not mean it doesn’t matter to her. She has to wear this every day for the rest of her life; look at it and know that you preferred to be ‘right’ than care for her.
This is a chance to improve communication, to have a better start at married life. There are going to be so so so many battles in the years ahead. Start fighting the problem together, you both against it, not each other.
She is also a jerk because the ring does sound lovely and she stormed off. If she doesn’t like it then she doesn’t have to wear it. She cant demand you buy a different ring, she asked and you said no. Put it in a safety deposit box and choose nice wedding bands together.” PetJackdaws
6. AITJ For Telling My Fiancé He Can't Invite His Friends To Our Engagement Party?
“I’m a bigger girl, and it’s not something that really bothers me but I have been in the process of losing weight for health reasons (down 30 lbs so far).
Anyways, my partner’s friends LOVE very skinny women, I’m talking Victoria’s Secret model skinny.
This is obviously not my concern but lately, I’ve been seeing that in the group chat they have together they are always ‘making fun’ of my partner for being attracted to bigger girls.
They send him pictures of women that are 400+ pounds (I’m nowhere near that). And say rude comments. They say that his type is ‘whale’, he likes girls who have ‘McDonald’s in their blood’.
He doesn’t engage in it and just ignores it but lately, it’s been getting on my nerves.
We just got engaged and are having a small get-together and I told him I don’t feel comfortable with these people (his friends) around me when I know what they think of me and the nasty things they say about me and my body.
One of them I consider a racist ever since he made a terrible comment. I’ve already met his friends and in their defense, they have been nothing but sweet to me.
My partner is mad that I basically told him he can’t bring his closest friends to something this important to him. I told him to think about how it makes me feel to know what these people really think of me and have them in our home pretending to be nice.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not wanting his friends there. While they may be nice to your face— with the exception of the friend who made the racist comment which also deserves unpacking— your fiancé’s friends have the unfortunate attitude of being unable to respect any woman they don’t also want to sleep with.
It’s a disgusting way to view the world, it’s a disgusting way to act, and I don’t blame you for not wanting them around.
But you deserve better than a fiancé who sees nothing wrong with his friends making fatphobic jokes about you— and I guarantee those jokes are about you, even if your name isn’t mentioned.
Your fiancé is excusing these jokes at your expense, and defending a guy who makes racist comments to defend his poor behavior is an even worse look.
The company your fiancé keeps says a lot about what kind of man he is.
It’s up to you whether that’s the kind of man you want to keep around.” Beautiful-Outside646
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This seems to be friendly ribbing that’s gone on before you. They’ve always gently joked with him for liking women who are overweight, and now that he’s marrying an overweight woman there’s more gentle teasing.
The same sort of gentle joking could happen for redheads or women who wear glasses or some other random fetish.
If they’re mean to you in person, or if they’re trying to convince him not to marry you, or if they’re being mean-spirited, I can understand your perspective.
But it sounds like they’re just joking around and it’s nothing personal.
It seems to bother you; you should talk to your fiance about it.” xmodemlol
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your fiancé’s friends are major jerks, and so is he.
While your partner’s friends have the right to care about their friend, they have no right to criticize you for your weight… it has nothing to do with whether or not the two of you are suited for one another.
And your man should have shut that nonsense down the first time it came up. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Keep standing up for yourself, and if your fiancé doesn’t back you, I think you should have a serious conversation with him about where his priorities lie.
It is not unreasonable for you to want the person you love and are planning to spend your life with, to support you and defend you.” nomoreuturns
Another User Comments:
“I think this would be better solved by asking your husband to get his friends to stop making fun of fat people rather than asking him not to have his friends around, and perhaps even for you to tell the friends yourself that you don’t appreciate being the butt of their weight-based jokes.
I think I will go with a light ‘everyone sucks here’, the friends for making the jokes, husband for not stepping up and saying that kind of thing isn’t acceptable, and you for your solution being not very good and coming off as kind of control, even though I sympathize with where you are coming from.” knightfrog1248
5. AITJ For Not Hiring My Son's Ex?
“My wife set up our son (23) with a family friend since they both seemed to like each other. The short story is she had an affair and they broke up but now his ex isn’t getting help from her family anymore so she needs a job.
She came into my office for the interview and to be honest I didn’t think about hiring her. Not because of the fallout but she had no experience. She didn’t have anything that would want to make me hire her.
(Here’s where I might be the jerk). I told her we would call her back. We did and I think you know she didn’t get the job. She answered rudely and said personal problems don’t belong at work.
I agree and explained why I didn’t hire her. She hung up.
Now my wife is saying that I’m not being considerate and I should give her a chance. Now I do feel she is right since to me it’s a personal problem but I probably wouldn’t have hired her anyway whether I knew her or not.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She put it perfectly.
‘personal problems don’t belong at work’
As she had none of the attributes you were looking for in an employee, hiring her would have been a ‘personal’ decision.
Likely followed by ‘personal problems’.
As evidenced by her HANGING UP on an employer who had turned her down for a job.” gw2kpro
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She has no experience and isn’t the right fit for the job so makes perfect sense you not hiring her for the job.” Dont-trust-it
4. AITJ For Selling And Refusing To Re-Buy The Family Heirloom?
“Honestly, the health crisis hit me (34M) and my wife (32F) pretty hard. I was let down and my wife’s salary isn’t sufficient to support both of us and our son (3M).
We resorted to selling a couple of our important possessions to make ends meet. My wife and I had both decided our marriage meant more than her wedding ring – we decided to pawn it and received a sufficient amount.
The ring was a gift from my grandmother before she passed and meant a lot to her, however, extraordinary circumstances call for extraordinary measures. This was difficult for both of us but in the end, it helped us a lot.
Fast forward to last week (I sold it around 8 months ago), I was in our weekly zoom calls with my extended family, and my mother casually mentioned the ring to my sister who is currently ring-shopping and preparing to get married in the fall.
She asked my wife to show it to her again, which called for a very awkward pause. We knew we’d have to tell them someday and eventually let it out. My mother and sister were livid.
My sister screamed at my wife and said she would’ve just asked our grandmother for the ring for herself if she knew we’d sell it. We told her it was a dire situation and technically we’d received it as a gift, granting us the ability to sell it if we wanted to.
Apparently, the ring meant more to my mother than anyone. I had no clue of its significance, including the fact that it was considered ‘the family heirloom’. If I would have known, my wife and I would have reconsidered selling it.
My sister called a couple of days later and apologized and said she knew we were in a rough patch and how difficult it was for us. She asked why we didn’t loan from her, and honestly, it did cross our mind but the feeling of remaining debt-free was too good to pass.
My wife and I have been in financial trouble earlier when my sister’s fiancé had helped us, we paid him back as soon as we could but I still feel our relationship has been awkward ever since.
My mother, however, is demanding we go back to the pawnshop and try to buy it from them. Since I was let down, I received another job offer and am making around 1.5x as much as I did earlier.
Honestly, we’re financially stable enough to rebuy the ring, my sister even contacted the shop and they said they still have it available for purchase. But we made the conscious choice to sell it and told her we refuse to rebuy it.
I feel kind of bad but it was still a gift to us. Selling it was more symbolic than anything and deeply strengthened my and my wife’s relationship.
EDIT: I want to clarify that the ring is open for my sister to buy if she chooses to, but I personally will not buy it again.
Am I the jerk for selling the family heirloom then refusing to rebuy it?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
If you were that strapped for moolah, you should have told your family and maybe offered to sell it to one of them.
Selling anything passed down in the family is an extreme act, and not offering it to the family first was a huge mistake. If you didn’t want to be in debt to your mother, that’d be the perfect solution, as you wouldn’t be in debt, and the ring would still be in the family.
Especially now that you are able to buy it back, after knowing how important it is to your family, seems more vindictive towards them than anything. You say yourself ‘if I would have known my wife and I would have reconsidered selling it.’ Yet you know now, and have the opportunity to fix it, and are willfully choosing not to.
In every sense of the word you’re the jerk here.” Aegrescit_Medendo
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, yes technically you have every right to sell the ring because it was yours and you don’t have to rebuy it or whatever.
But from an emotional standpoint where you might actually care about your family members’ feelings… you are the jerk. 1. It is kind of obvious that when a grandmother hands down a ring, it has sentimental value and is a family heirloom.
2. You are worried about how it’s awkward after borrowing and paying back a family member, think how awkward it’s going to be with your sister and mother, and other family members if you permanently lose a family heirloom.
Let alone how their feelings have been hurt by your actions. 3. You probably didn’t even get the true value of the ring if you sold it to some local pawn shop.
If you have the means to rebuy it and it won’t cause financial strain to do so, then you should do it. Keep it, give it to your mother/sister whoever cares about it, sell it to those family members.
If you care about their feelings at all that is. If you don’t give a darn about them then I guess don’t do anything but that seems mighty ‘awkward’ if you ask me.
If your wife and your relationship will be affected by taking back this ‘symbolic’ gesture, then your relationship wasn’t strengthened all that much, to begin with.” my_chaffed_legs
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. When something is passed down it becomes a family heirloom.
If you knew how much it meant to your grandmother, you should have known to have that discussion with your family.
You should buy it back. Sure she can buy it back but I think for the sake of your relationship with your family you should think about that.
You pawned your grandmother’s ring for god’s sake. My family would have disowned me. Our jewelry by the time it makes it to my safe will be a minimum of 4 generations they were handed down to.
Sure it’s an object but older generations pass things down and it means the world to them. I’m sure if your grandmother knew you would have done this, it would have never made it to your wife’s hand.
If those are not things you value you shouldn’t have accepted those items.
I would run into my house engulfed in flames for family heirlooms that are not in the safe.
I hope you don’t take what I said as a go screw yourself. Just know there’s a lot of meaning to those things and can break family relationships more so than borrowing money.” Feisty_Literature_18
3. AITJ For Pointing Out My And My Brother's Size Difference?
“My brother (M29) and I (M25) have ways looked alike facially (?) But have very different bodies. I’m 5’7 (170 cm) and weigh around 140 lb (65 kg) whereas my brother is around 5’11 (~180 cm) and currently weighs almost 200 lb.
Yesterday my brother saw me wearing a grey sweatshirt and claimed it was his, I told him I bought the sweatshirt like a year ago, and that I haven’t even seen him wearing something similar.
He said he was tired of me taking his stuff (tbh I did use to do that but that was like a decade ago) and kept going until I said ‘This is a size S, dude, all your stuff is L’ his face went red and asked what I meant, to which I replied that he’s way fatter than me and hasn’t bought size S stuff for years.
My mom immediately said that was a mean comment and I said it was the truth and that it wasn’t my fault my brother drinks so much every weekend to the point he has gained this much weight.
He says he’s a social drinker but Thursday comes and he doesn’t come back to the house until Sunday morning. My dad said it was partially my fault because I constantly make desserts (I’m a baking aficionado and I couldn’t believe what he said) honestly it’s true that I bake too much but my brother is an adult and I’m not forcing him to eat any dessert.
He still demands I give him ‘his’ sweatshirt back and my parents say I should at least buy another since they’re really cheap (this cost me about $10) AND apologize to my brother for calling him fat.
Was I really a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Pointing out that the shirt wasn’t even your brother’s size was completely fair. Pointing out that you and he have different body shapes was fair.
Calling him fat was a jerk move.
Of course, he is a jerk for accusing you of stealing. And your parents as well for wanting you to placate him.” RedditDK2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Yea, you definitely shouldn’t have put it as ‘you’re way fatter than me,’ as that is needlessly rude and negative. But, stating that he wears a large while the shirt is small is logical and obvious.
I can’t believe your parents are suggesting you buy him a shirt just because he failed in his attempt to steal yours.” AccountantJen
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. He’s not a jerk for making a mistake, particularly if you had a track record of doing this for a time, but after you pointed out that the sweatshirt was small he became the jerk when he stuck to his guns. But going after his weight was an unnecessary low blow in the conversation.” sumg
2. AITJ For Not Recognizing A Neighbor's Self-Declared Authority?
“I moved into an apartment complex in September, it is a large house with multiple apartment units. The first day I moved in, another tenant knocked on the door. She introduced herself and said if we have any issues or need repairs we should ask her because ‘the landlord probably won’t answer anyway’.
My partner and I soon discovered that her knocking on our door and other neighbors’ doors was a normal occurrence. Never for anything important, just to talk. She takes mail from people’s mailboxes and delivers it to them.
Anytime there was an issue, we contacted the landlord and he was able to resolve it. That is until my partner broke the washing machine. He let the landlord know, days pass and the landlord doesn’t answer.
But we suddenly hear the neighbor rampaging around the building. She is saying ‘some stupid idiot broke the washing machine and didn’t tell me’. I go to the basement where she is raging and tell her we already texted the landlord, don’t appreciate being called a jerk, and could she please keep it down.
From then on she made a point to be very loud in the halls. She would knock on neighbors’ doors and talk loudly at their door for around 30-60 minutes. On the weekends, she babysits a toddler and would play with the child in the hallways.
She knocks on this one neighbor with a dog’s door and plays with the kid, the dog, and a squeaky toy in the hallway for unreal amounts of time.
This has been going on for months, but we haven’t said anything because no one else seems to mind.
But the other day someone else told her and the kid to be quiet and she yelled ‘you’re being rude!!!’ She was quiet for a few hours then was back at it, so I went to tell her, “Could you please keep the noise down?” She told me I was being rude and that she’s the property manager and I shouldn’t be policing her.
She told me if I don’t like the noise I should move out.
I’ve been very confused this whole time whether or not she was formally the property manager so I texted the landlord after that confrontation to clarify.
He responded and said he’s the property manager but the neighbor ‘assists a great deal, so can be considered ‘on-site’ management. I know she’s a bit chatty, but she’s a great person with a great heart, and helps out in so many ways around the building.’
She has apparently lived here for ten years and after the experience with the landlord not answering for a few days, I understand she’s probably has had to deal with that a lot and just wants to feel in control.
But I also feel disrespected. We had a fine response rate with the landlord prior to the washer thing and this lady is so annoying/nosy, so that’s why we didn’t say anything to her.
But every day I wish I did because she hates us and this is the underworld.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Being a property manager is not a privilege, it’s a responsibility and that woman should pull her head out of her backside.
Tell your landlord that you will press charges for his ‘on-site management’ tampering with your mail, constantly making noise in the hallways, knocking on doors and disturbing the peace at all hours of the day, and generally harassing you as tenants of his complex.
You have a contract with your landlord. If he can’t abide by it in a civil manner that follows the rules and bylaws of the city in which you live, then he should be prepared to pay a very heavy settlement, and quite possibly pay many months of back rent for your discomfort.
Judges simply don’t take kindly to landlords who push their tenants around like they work for them. Get him to put in writing that she is the property manager. Honestly, you should be video capturing her tirades or at least audio capturing them as evidence if you really want to put the screws to both of them.” AliciaTransmuted
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but this is a problem that isn’t getting fixed, you should start planning now to move at the end of your lease.
This is absolutely a personality type that experienced landlords don’t entertain. What has happened here is a busybody pushed the actual landlord around so much, that he finds it easier to let her do what she wants than to stand up to her.
It’s a dangerous game because she could get him sued if he is compensating her at all, as that makes her an employee. There are so many pitfalls the untrained can fall into that create legal liability.
But since the landlord is clearly a spineless idiot, nothing is going to change. She will continue to bully the other residents and the landlord will let her, and she will stay there till the day she dies because she likes a small bit of power she has over others.
And now she doesn’t like you, and that isn’t going to change either because you questioned her authority. When you leave I would specifically cite her and her bullying as the reason.” Em4Tango
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think you are wrong in your thinking but I do think you missed the window to be able to speak up.
Alienating your “just hit puberty” or “about to hit puberty child” isn’t worth it. It is a sensitive time emotionally. Sorry but the speaking up ship has sailed. I encourage you to take this as a chance for growth and realize that providing as well as you do has cost you some things.
Be ok with your choice. If your wife and daughter are happy with what you provide in the time/asset balance there is nothing wrong with your choice.
Don’t listen to these ‘how dare you don’t raise a child with both parents hovering over’ people.
Assess your daughter and wife’s needs. Some of the most important historical figures didn’t have either parent raise them it was left to nannies and governesses. Middle school-age children swap friend groups most of the time.
And Amy will probably hit puberty earlier due to a lack of father figure’s approval. This is a fact that you never mention to your wife because it is hurtfully true and unfair and would probably have another post on here.
The puberty inequity will probably drive a wedge between them if I were to speculate. It hasn’t seemed too damaged anything so far so sit cool and encourage your wife for being amazing.
If she ridiculously cares about a child that isn’t hers this much imagine how ridiculously she loves your daughter. Maybe join in with your wife and daughter in caring for her as long as she is around; that is a positive impact that you won’t regret and sets a good example for your wife and daughter just like your work ethic does.” Mountain_Luck_6985
1. AITJ For Bailing On Moving In With My Sister?
“My sister bought a house with her partner last year. They got a mortgage, and when they broke up, he managed to wriggle his way out and leave her to keep paying the mortgage alone.
She’s making the payments, but barely, and she’s had financial issues that mean she’s at the point where she can’t afford dinner some nights.
Obviously, we’re (me, mum, dad, siblings) worried about her, and we want to help her out.
My current lease runs out at the end of the month, and half her mortgage is way less than the average rent in the area. So, we talked and agreed that I, along with my 3 kids, would move in with her for a while.
I would pay rent, which would cover half of her monthly mortgage payment and utilities, and we’d buy our own food but we’d still share. This way she gets her mortgage paid off, my kids and I get to live in a nice house at below average rate, and we know that my sister is doing okay (financially and mentally).
However, less than a month before the move, we talked today to just get up to speed on how everything is going on her end, as she has to rearrange a few things so we can move in.
She said, ‘your half is all sorted’. I asked what she meant. There are 2 bedrooms and a bathroom on each floor, so she was thinking that we could have the upstairs, and she could have the downstairs.
I asked what happens with the kitchen, and she explained that she’ll have exclusive use of the kitchen and when I bring my stuff over we could set up a kitchenette (microwave, kettle, mini-fridge) on the top floor.
I asked where my kids were meant to sleep, and she said my daughter could sleep in my room and my sons could bunk together. My understanding before this was that I get my own room, as does my daughter, and there are no limits on floors/bathrooms/kitchen, as my sister had said that as there were 4 bedrooms, there was enough room for everyone, and mentioned rearranging the rooms, so I assumed that meant she was taking the fact I’m bringing 3 kids into consideration.
She said as I’m paying for half of everything, I get half the house. I said that my kids and I can’t share 2 bedrooms and a microwave and she said I was being dramatic and we’ll be fine.
However, I said that this isn’t going to work for us, and if she wants us to move in, we’re going to need her to condense her office and bedroom into one room, so my daughter can have the free room, plus use of the kitchen.
My sister said that as we would then be using the majority of the house, I should pay at least 75% of the mortgage, possibly 100%, as there are 4 of us and 1 of her.
I then said that this really is not going to work for us, so I will look for a new place with my kids and she can figure her finances out herself.
She then called me a jerk as she could lose the house without my help, said I was holding finances over her head, and said I was entitled to think that I would get more than half the house when I’m only paying 50% of the mortgage.
I said she’s the one setting restrictions and if I’d known I was only paying for the top floor then I wouldn’t have agreed to move in.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
I don’t really understand this tit for tat relationship you guys have going. I mean I guess maybe it’s normal but it is NOT the dynamic I have in my relationships AT ALL.
There are reasonable things your sister should ask of you. For example, you will be taking up more of the utilities because, as she said, there are 4 of you and only 1 of her.
You should offer UPFRONT to pay for more of the utilities for that reason. If she already has an established set-up for her office and bedroom, it’s kind of a jerk move to ask her to change all of that for you.
It would have been considerate of her to offer it but she’s not really a jerk for not wanting to. However, she IS a jerk for not wanting to share the kitchen with you.
How are you supposed to feed 3 children with just a microwave and minifridge? What in the world. In any home and housemate situation, the kitchen is shared so everyone can prepare meals.
Then you just have to have boundaries around cleanliness.
Honestly, it’s weird that she sprung this on you only a month before moving in and that you didn’t know any of this a month before moving in.
Was it discussed and she changed it at your last minute? Or did neither of you discuss this at all? Because she’s a jerk for not mentioning it sooner but you’re also kind of a jerk for just ASSUMING she’d move out of one of the spaces in her own home to accommodate you.
This is truly just a major communication breakdown and you guys need to figure that out through a mature conversation. And ideally, one that isn’t so much about monetizing every little thing so that it’s ‘fair.’ Instead, think about what is genuinely considerate to do for the family within normal bounds of helpfulness.” mycr00k3dw4ng
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
From what you’ve said it seems that she wants your moolah to get out of a tight situation, but is limiting you to your usage- and it seems that that is not what you’d envisioned.
I can understand that she is trying to protect her space (there are 4? of you moving in) and perhaps she wants a clear demarcation of space. Her room and office I can sort of understand (she needs to work and keep her personal space separate) but not allowing the use of the kitchen is ridiculous.
In all honesty, if this is the situation already perhaps it’s best to let your sister find another person to share her house and pay the 50/50 split as a rental, and you move in somewhere else as at this juncture, with these differences cropping up, it would be best not to mix family and money.
Imagine moving in and her complaining about the kids/people straying into space that they shouldn’t be/using the washing machine/storage of food in the fridge etc… the list is endless.
Save your time, relationship and sanity and leave her be.” IdontWantNits
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Sounds like a massive lack of communication, and both parties being unreasonable.
You’re unreasonable in that it makes 100% sense for you, paying only half the mortgage, to only get half the bedrooms to split between you and your kids, and no more.
There’s no reason at all she should have to lose her office, getting less than half of the bedrooms, while still paying half. It was out of line to just assume you’d get more than your fair share of the bedrooms without paying more than half the cost, and without there ever having been any such agreement.
She is completely right that if you want 75% of the rooms, you need to pay 75% of the bill.
Were you expecting to only pay half of the utilities too, despite the fact that you and your kids would obviously be using more water and electricity than her?
But the sister is unreasonable in extending this to the entire house.
Areas like the kitchen should obviously be shared as common areas, and unless she plans to pay to install a full kitchen exclusively for you, the kitchen as it is needs to be shared.
Not having a full kitchen to use is not you getting half of the house, it’s you getting less than half. She is ridiculous to expect you to pay half (or more) yet get less than half of the use of the house as a whole.
Honestly, this should have been worked out way before it got to be this close to move-in time. But it is at least good you figured it out before moving in at all.
Even though I give you both jerk points, it really is best you both not move in together, and backing out is absolutely the correct move.
Edit: If for instance, an owner was to rent the property in its entirety to someone, the market rent would actually be greater than the mortgage, over 100%, with the owner getting not only the equity but also a profit on top of that.
That’s the market rate.
If the sister did not own the house but was a renter, she’d need to add OP to the lease, and they’d both pay 50% for 50% of the rooms, with neither of them getting the equity.
Basically, as the owner of the property, the sister can set rent however she wants, and charging only 50% for 50% of the rooms is just at cost, with zero profit, rather than the actual market rate, which is more than fair, it’s downright generous as far as renting goes.
If OP would want half ownership of the house and thus the equity, then OP would have to be willing to pay half the total home value, not just half the remaining mortgage payments, but also half of all past payments and the original down payment as well, including all taxes and fees.
And the whole house would have to be refinanced to put OP on the mortgage loan so OP’s credit is also at stake just like the sister’s. And then she’d still only be paying for half the bedrooms.
And OP isn’t doing that.” AgainPaintedInky
Another User Comments:
“Doubting between ‘everyone sucks here’ and NTJ.
She’s insane for thinking you and three kids can just, not have a kitchen? And disclosing only now what she meant by splitting it 50/50.
You’re also kinda trashy for not being more clear about this. How big are the rooms? Would it be reasonable for her to give away her office space or is her bedroom going to be cramped if your kid took the office space? I’m also very confused why your daughter would get a room for herself and not the 8-year-old.
I’d let the 5 and 3-year-old share a room or the 3-year-old sleeps with you, personally.
I’d say it’s fair to split the bedrooms 50/50 if you only pay a 50% mortgage too.
Communal areas are exactly that: communal. If you decide to still help her out and move in I’d go with any of these options:
-you pay 50% and get 2 bedrooms, full access to all communal spaces.
-you pay 75% and get 3 bedrooms, full access to all communal spaces.
There is no instance where it’d be okay for you to pay 100% unless you take the deed to her house.
If you and she agree to any of these two situations, make sure you have it written and notarized. At least have a lawyer look at it and make sure it’s legally binding.
But personally? I wouldn’t go through with it. She’s shown that she wants to take a hand when you offer a finger. She’s delusional for thinking it would be okay for you to just not use the kitchen.” 0B-A-E0
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