People Pick Our Brains Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk" Conundrums
22. AITJ For Spending Thanksgiving With My Partner And Not My Mom?
“This year I (27 F) will be having my first Thanksgiving with my partner (39 M). He’s an excellent cook and loves to cook for Thanksgiving. He gives himself rave reviews on his homemade gravy.
In September, I asked my mom about Thanksgiving plans. In the past, my mom cooked and hosted Thanksgiving at her house.
It was always a small group of us: my mom, her husband, me, my sister, my aunt, and my uncle. Small, cozy, and comfortable. But she said she wasn’t sure if she was even cooking this year because my aunt had other plans at that time.
So, I informed my mom that my partner and I were going to host our own Thanksgiving dinner and that she, her husband, and my sister were all welcome to join us. She said she would think about it and run it by my sister.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago, and plans changed. My aunt, uncle, and sister are going to my mom’s house for Thanksgiving, and my mom is suddenly pulling out all the stops for her traditional Thanksgiving dinner. Clearly, they never even humored the thought of joining my partner and me at our house.
Which is fine, I can understand how that might be uncomfortable given that my relationship is fairly new (9 months). But, my mother made it abundantly clear that I am expected to at least make an appearance at her house on Thanksgiving with my 2-year-old son (my partner is not the father), and she didn’t extend an invitation to my partner, who will be left alone at the house while I’d be gone.
While I’m still unsure as to whether or not I’ll stop by her house to visit that day, I want to know if anyone thinks I’m the jerk for having my own Thanksgiving instead of joining my family, as has been the tradition over the years.
I’d like to think that holiday traditions should be fluid, and allow space for families to grow and change. My mother has made me feel extremely guilty for choosing not to join them which makes me wonder if I’m in the wrong here.
I just can’t bear the thought of leaving my partner alone at home on a holiday like this. He doesn’t have any family up where we live.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, there’s no reason to leave your house. You are hosting your own Thanksgiving.
It would be rude if you left your partner behind when he wasn’t invited. Your mom makes it feel like she doesn’t want to be around your partner. It also feels like she’s playing games. So when your aunt and uncle weren’t going to her event she wasn’t sure about cooking the minute you invited your mom her husband and your sister all of a sudden aunt and uncle came and she won’t go to yours but you’re expected to go to her event.
There’s no reason to feel guilty. You made plans when she said she wasn’t going to host. You keep your plans and if there’s time you can FaceTime her with your child.” CODE_NAME_DUCKY
Another User Comments:
“Time to step up and show with actions you will protect your family (you, your child, your partner), even from your own mother.
You are making the right decision to spend Thanksgiving with your partner and skipping your mom. Your mom deliberately changed her plans of not hosting Thanksgiving to hosting Thanksgiving on purpose. She then deliberately excluded your partner from coming by to visit with you. So very rude and manipulative of your mother.
Sounds like she’s trying to undermine your relationship with your partner.
Instead, text everyone (it’s your responsibility to contact each person, not someone else to pass in the message on) that you’re keeping your original plans you made on (insert date) to host Thanksgiving. Your mom informed you on (insert date) that she changed her mind and decided to host Thanksgiving after all.
If they would like to come as originally planned or swing by later they are welcome, but you’ll be spending the day with your partner and not leaving him.
You are in a relationship, building towards the future. It’s up to you to put your mom in check through actions.
Do not allow her to dictate your relationship and undermine it. Regardless, do not swing by your mom’s at all – even if she does the guilt trip, etc. This is a power play. Your mom is trying to exert herself on you. You’re 27 and a mother in your own right, no longer that little girl.
You have every right to host holiday events at your home.
Time to start new traditions. To regard your partner as family. NTJ… but you would be if you let your mother control you and your decisions.” Outrageous-forest
21. AITJ For Lashing Out At My Significant Other's Sister For Neglecting Her Dog?
“I (19 m) was going out with a girl (18 f), let’s call her Jess.
Jess has a sister (17 F), let’s call her Nicky. At the time I was debating on proposing to my then-significant other. After some time I set up a 4-day trip to my hometown/a beautiful spot in the mountains so I could propose. I won’t go too far in detail on the story just know she said yes.
Before we left on the trip I decided to test Jess’a sister Nicky. Nicky was always in her room and wouldn’t take care of animals she just ‘had to have’. She was a big fan of keeping her dog in a kennel. I’m very against the idea of just keeping any animal kenneled and it drove me crazy.
A lot of the time when I’d come over the dog would have used the bathroom in its kennel, have no food or water, and would be absolutely miserable if Jess hadn’t been able to care for it since she’s a busy person with school.
I would let it out/clean its kennel, feed it, etc. So Jess could focus on school. When we left I decided to place a small piece of string on the door of the kennel (after feeding it, watering it, and letting it out) the string wouldn’t keep the door closed and would break if the door was opened with even a tiny bit of effort.
After the 4-day trip, I took my now fiancé home, and when we got there I checked on the dog. I was disgusted. The string wasn’t broken, the dog was sleeping in a kennel full of its own feces, and the bowls were bone dry.
I yelled for Nicky until she came out of her room, I blew up, and I was so mad I don’t remember verbatim what I said but it was along the lines of ‘Are you serious right now? We were gone for 4 days and you couldn’t spend just 30-40 minutes a day to take care of (enter dog’s name)?
You’re the laziest piece of work I’ve ever seen. You are despicable and absolutely disgusting!’
We went back and forth and I left because I just couldn’t handle it anymore.
Now here’s where I may be the jerk. I called the police/animal control.
The dog was removed from the house and put into a no-kill shelter. Jess is saying I went too far saying that her sister should be kenneled, but I don’t think I did. She’s threatening breaking off our engagement and I’m not quite sure what to do.
I don’t think what I did was wrong but maybe it was?”
Another User Comments:
“Solid NTJ. You did good for that dog and while you said some harsh things, they’re all true. I can understand that Jess may be angry at you for lashing out at her sister, and for that, I think you should apologize to her and try to explain what you did in the past for that dog, why you did it, and your feelings about animal cruelty as clearly as possible.
What Nicky was doing to that dog (and maybe other animals) was horrible and there is no excuse to mistreat any living being that way. I’d be ashamed if any of my siblings did anything like that and even though I might get angry if someone lashed out at them, I know I would understand the reason behind it.
In any case, I wouldn’t threaten my relationship with my fiance for that. Seems kind of childish or even kind of a red flag to me since an engagement (and love) is not something to weaponize or hold above someone’s head just because someone got angry about something bad someone else did, no matter how close that person is.” Elfer-100
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a clear case of animal cruelty. I‘m so glad you stepped up and put an end to it. I can understand that your fiancée has a hard time coming to terms with how messed up a person her sister is but I‘m sure she will realize you did the right thing once the situation has calmed down a bit.
And if she doesn‘t, I‘m afraid that would also be very telling.” ImpossibleOlivebread
20. AITJ For Not Wanting To Pay For My Parents' Bills And Mortgage?
“I (17 F) am currently studying computer science so I can go to college and get a degree in Software Engineering.
My parents, however, made the demand that I should be a nurse. They’ve convinced the rest of the family that I wanted to be a nurse when really, I just wanted to work with technology.
It’s not unsurprising or unusual when people try to live their lives through me, especially my parents because all they ever talk about is when I become a nurse that I’ll be paying their bills and their mortgage and or flying them out on a trip to a hotel somewhere.
Growing up, my parents have always been my bullies. Talking crap about me behind my back, comparing me to other kids, etc.
I’ve grown to no longer consider them as my mom and dad, and more just people I just live with whom I’m related. I plan to move out after high school because all my parents plan for me to do is take care of their children while they freeload in their spare time.
As much as I love my brothers, I can’t afford more years of me being their 2nd mother while their actual mother is doing who knows what.
When my mom and dad talked about me paying all their bills and mortgage for the house as I started my new job, I told them no because this is a new job I’m working at and that I need the money so I can save it for the later future.
(My parents make 125k per year by the way.)
They then called me selfish and naive because they thought I actually planned on splurging my paychecks and not actually saving them. Even if I do splurge it, it’s MY money. Not yours.
My dad said that he and my mom have taken care of me my whole life and for that, I owe them everything I have.
This is funny because all I can remember is being his and my mom’s punching bag whenever they’re angry and babysitter when they don’t want to be parents to their sons.
They still insist I pay the bills and the mortgage of the house because I don’t and can’t live here for free, even though I’m only 17 so I technically have NO choice but to live here.”
Another User Comments:
“They can’t lawfully take a minor child’s money. The day you turn 18, they can charge you whatever rent/bills they want. Move out as soon as you turn 18.
In the meantime, don’t argue with them about it. Just stay as silent as possible and make a plan to go.
After you move out, try to maintain a relationship with your brothers, even if it’s behind your parents’ backs. You’ll all probably want that relationship when you’re grown, don’t let your parents destroy it. Pursue the career path that you want. Pursue the life that you want.
Your parents can fend for themselves. NTJ” Pencil161
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When someone chooses to have a child, they accept responsibility for caring for and paying for that child until he/she is an adult. The responsibility is a DIRECT consequence of their decision.
You did not choose to be conceived or birthed; you are not required to pay for their decisions. Until you are legally an adult. they CANNOT make you pay the mortgage or the basic utilities.
You can report them to your local child protective services agency if they try to take your earnings and use them for the bills, though if you are close to 18 and getting out, it might not be worth it.
But the day you are 18, you can open your own bank account, without their involvement, and have your pay directly deposited to that account.
Right now, I would focus on having a plan in place to get out as soon as possible. If you have a place to move or store your stuff they can’t access, I would probably start slowly and quietly moving as much of your critical stuff out as possible, so that if things go badly, they can’t prevent you from taking your own things with you.” Material-Profit5923
19. AITJ For Refusing To Be My Sister's "Something Blue" At Her Wedding?
“I come from a tight-knit family and I have 2 sisters who live within 15 minutes of me. One of my sisters is getting married in 6 months, to the father of her 2 young children.
At a recent family dinner, the bride informed me and my other sister that we were not going to be bridesmaids.
This really upset my mother and resulted in a family argument. I was a little upset by her decision but chose to hide my opinion from her. I told her it was her day and she could make the decisions. I will be there to help and support my sister on her wedding day whether I’m wearing a bridesmaids dress or not.
She is having 6 of her friends be bridesmaids. In an attempt to appease my mother, the bride asked me and my other sister to be ‘her something blue.’ I was very confused by this, as she presented us with a gift, similar to how you would typically ask your bridal party.
She wants us to wear matching blue dresses to the wedding but not participate in the ceremony. I’m worried that guests are going to think my sister and I are upset about not being bridesmaids so we secretly went and bought our own matching dresses.
The bridal party will be wearing maroon.
The bride is expecting me and my other sister to contribute our time and finances to throw a wedding shower, and bachelorette party, and help with the day of the wedding. I also watch the bride’s children regularly for free while she goes to work.
She doesn’t owe me anything for the free child care because I love spending time with my nieces and I want them to have a safe place to go.
However, it doesn’t make sense that I am the first one she calls when she needs help or a babysitter, but I’m not in her top 6 people to stand next to her on one of the most important days of her life.
She trusts me every week to keep her kids safe/alive but not stand next to her on the altar?
If I can’t be a bridesmaid, I would rather just be a regular guest and not have to wear a matching/expensive dress.
If I am not in the wedding, why am I obligated to do the traditional bridal party duties?
I don’t want to pay for or help with anything related to the wedding. I don’t want to wear a matching blue dress.
Am I the jerk? Should I just be grateful that she is trying to include me?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’m sorry, but your sister is using you. People who plan parties they’re not a part of are called party planners, and they get paid to do it. People who look after children outside of school are called babysitters or nannies, and they get paid to do it.
The something blue idea is just weird, and people will assume you and your other sister are upset and desperate to be in the bridal party. Don’t be grateful for the scraps she’s throwing at you. Say no to anything other than just being a regular guest – no planning or paying for the bachelorette or wedding shower, no showing up early/staying late on the day to help out.” No-Cranberry4396
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister is trying to have it both ways. She doesn’t want you as bridesmaids but wants your money. No. First, she doesn’t get to tell you you’re hosting a bridal shower; whoever offers, host it. You didn’t offer. Second, the maid of honor and bridesmaids organize the Bachelorette where each woman pays her portion and they split the bride’s portion.
It’s not a hosted event. Third, you’re not her indentured servants for her to dictate that you’re the help on the day of the wedding. Don’t be her something blue.” Emotional_Bonus_934
18. AITJ For Not Helping My Mom Around The House?
“So, I’m (28 m) engaged to be married to my high-school sweetheart. Due to some financial insecurities we used to face we moved back with my parents for a little while until we were able to afford to rent an apartment.
I’ve lived with my parents in the past of course, then moved out with my fiancée for 2 years. Now we’ve moved with my parents for a while until the house we want to rent is available which will be in 2 months.
For context, I have a married older sister who’s on the brink of divorce from her husband because he’s doing nothing around the house.
He simply comes back from work and sits and plays until he goes to bed while my sister does all of the housework on top of her full-time nursing job. My mom believes my sister is unreasonable in her demands towards her husband and believes it’s a woman’s job to do housework and cater to her husband even if she works a job.
Also when I lived with my fiancée alone she’d always bad mouth my fiancée for ‘forcing me’ to help around the house and always said how as a woman she’s not taking proper care of me, her soon-to-be husband because I also cooked, cleaned, did chores, etc. Even now that we live in my parents’ house, when we need to do laundry etc I don’t expect my fiancée to be the one to do it.
I do it myself many times as well. My mom doesn’t like that and claims that my fiancée has me as a maid.
Now despite all that, my mom demands that I help her around the house when it’s housework she wants to do.
And I do, I always do my part since I live here but for her, it’s never enough and I’m a lazy son who doesn’t care about helping his mother. After all the ridiculous stuff she’s said about my fiancée and my sister’s ‘traditional roles’ I told her you know what?
I’m not helping around. That’s a woman’s job remember? So don’t demand me to help you with your chores since it’s a woman’s job and I’m a man. Of course, I keep defending my sister and I keep contributing equally to my fiancée and I’s chores.
I just refuse to contribute any helping hands to my mother since she believes she’s entitled to help but my fiancée and sister are supposed to be maids.
My mom has bad-mouthed me to the entire family right now and whenever someone visits they scold me and call me a jerk basically for being lazy and not helping out my mom.
AITJ for giving my mom a taste of her own medicine?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for what you said. Sometimes you have to draw the parallels between someone’s behavior and their expectations of other people’s behavior for them to develop empathy. Now that you’ve done that, she either will change or she won’t.
That part’s up to her. I would return to helping her out because she is doing you all a favor in letting you live with her and if you don’t help there’s a good chance your fiancee will be pressured to pick up the slack by your mom furthering the divide between them.” thesewordsispeak
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother has seriously ingrained misogyny and were it possible I would say she has a negative number of legs to stand on. Tell her it’s 2023 and she carries on bad-mouthing every woman who doesn’t act like a maid and accept that your role involves no housework due to your anatomy, or she can shut up, reflect on the fact that she grew up in a world that made her how she is through subjugation, and accept that the world is moving on for the better.” FantasticAnus
17. AITJ For Not Wanting My Baby To Stay With My Mother-In-Law Overnight?
“I (24 F) had a baby 9 months ago. Now, my mother-in-law and I have never really seen eye to eye due to my not agreeing with her parenting style. My partner (27 M) has always agreed with any choice I have made towards our daughter and has always tried his best to help me and her as much as he can.
However this all started when my child was around 3 weeks old, I had her early (37 weeks) via emergency C-Section, and my mother-in-law, came to see us when we were back home and all she kept talking about was having my daughter overnight (MIL has 3 other children at home – male 13, female 6, female 2).
I politely said not a chance not yet. I’m a new mum. I’ve literally just had an operation and she’s dependent on me due to her being breastfed. She can come for day visits when we are all a little more comfortable (as I just had her 3 weeks ago) but I have said no to any overnight stays right now.
She shut up and quietly changed topics, and she left after about an hour and then we saw her once more since then when my daughter was around 3 months old.
She is due to come to see us again on Friday (it is late Wednesday night when I’m writing this).
I have said to my partner if she goes on about having the baby overnight whilst she comes Friday then I’ll ask her to leave. He said I was being unfair and that because I let my older sister have our child for a few hours when he was at work and I went out for my birthday it’s only fair if his mum can have her overnight.
I said no I don’t trust her to be out of my care overnight, due to still being quite little and also being breastfed.
He now won’t talk to me much and is calling me selfish. Now I’m dreading his mum coming on Friday and feel like they will both try getting me to let her have my daughter overnight when I’m not ready and I don’t trust her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Your baby is very young, and your baby is not your MIL’s toy. It’s about the baby, not fulfilling your MIL’s expectations.
1) Your baby needs you, it would be incredibly stressful for the baby to spend a night without you, and for what?
2) It would be incredibly stressful for you to be separated from your baby ‘just because’
3) The more MIL asks for the baby, the less trust in her I would have, as she is showing so little consideration for the actual needs of a baby, and just putting her wishes above your baby’s needs.
And is absolutely willing to put your baby under unnecessary stress just so that she can satisfy some weird wish. It’s just weird.
So I wouldn’t trust her now, and if she keeps insisting it would make me trust her even less.
NTJ, you are doing good by protecting your baby and standing up for your child.
Your baby is not your MIL’s doll. Keep standing your ground mamma!” Dizzy_Ad5659
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister watching your baby for a few hours is not the same as MIL taking your baby overnight. If you’re not comfortable with it at this point, that should be all there is to it.
You and your partner need to be on the same page in terms of setting boundaries with MIL. If she brings it up, politely yet firmly let her know that it’s not happening and that the topic is not up for discussion at this point.
For what it’s worth, my nieces are toddlers and still have not slept at one of their grandparents’ houses. My sister just does not have the trust there for that to be possible.” Stranger0nReddit
Ur partner need to BE UR partner and not mommy's boy. He needs to back u, not mommy.
16. AITJ For Making My Mom "Share Her Spotlight" At My Wedding With My Stepmom?
“I (29 f) and my fiancé (31 m) will be getting married in April of 2024. We’re literally counting down the days in excitement.
Some important information to keep in mind for now is that my parents are divorced, they have been for around 4/5 years now, My mother is very bitter about this, she always has been and always will be, along with the bitterness about her failing marriage she has had nothing good to say about me getting married and has openly stated she thinks I’m making a mistake because she doesn’t see the value in my fiancé.
Not once since he’s physically lived here in the past 2 years (we were long distance for 5) has she tried to get to know him, and anytime we have been around her she acts like he’s just some stranger I’m dragging around. Meanwhile, my father and his wife (remarried for almost 2 years) have been so welcoming and kind to him, that they consider him family.
With our upcoming wedding, we knew we would likely be paying for everything and we’re happy to do so, though I did ask my mother if she’d want to have any part in helping I told her there was no obligation, I just figured she may want to help… I was sorely mistaken.
Beyond that, my mom (who hasn’t been much of a mother) is angry that I’ve asked her to ‘share her spotlight’ (as she put it) with my stepmom for the Mother of the Bride walk. She claims she’s not my real mother, biologically speaking she’s not but she’s been more present in my life over the past 6 years she’s been with my dad than my bio mom ever has.
With her clear dislike that my stepmom would be included there is more, I made sure my half-sister on my dad’s side was included in my wedding partially because my fiancé asked my stepbrother (stepmom’s son) to be a groomsman. They’re around the same age so walking together would work but also because she’s my sister, she’s important to me, I have a half-sister on my mom’s side as well… she has a history of starting fights, causing a scene, a crime that she’s been charged for… many reasons I wouldn’t want her to be a bridesmaid, plus she’s just generally unkind.
She’s also in the same age range as my half-sister and stepbrother.
My mom has ‘jokingly’ made threats to not attend my wedding ‘to show me how it feels to have my feelings hurt’ so I can understand how I’m making her feel… she’s been blatantly disrespectful as of late and aside from the Mother of the Bride walk wanted absolutely nothing to do with our wedding.
After everything she claims, I’m asking her to attend out of pity and not because she’s my mother… it’s my day and I want to have a relaxed wedding, I feel in this aspect I’m allowed to be a little selfish and avoid any problems my mom’s daughter could pose…
We don’t find her lack of presence to be a loss and truthfully if it ends our ‘relationship’ as mother and daughter I wouldn’t mind so I guess I just want to know AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And you’d be okay uninviting your bio-mom too.
You need to make sure you have two things in place. One is passwords for all your vendors. That way no one can change or cancel anything out of spite. Second is security – security at the ceremony and security at the reception. Because you know your half-sister will come and make a fuss, or your bio-mom will try to sneak her in.
Plus, security will remove anyone who is causing a disturbance at any point.” FuzzyMom2005
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ideally, your mother and other sister will decide on their own to boycott your wedding. Your wedding should be all about you and your fiance and those who love you and celebrate your happiness.
There is no reason to allow your mother and sister to inject their personal problems into your joyous day!” [deleted]
15. AITJ For Not Informing The Former Tenants About Their Packages?
“We’ve been in our rental house for about six months. During this time, we’ve had three different prior tenants’ packages delivered to our address.
The second occasion was a particular mess because it was the tenant prior to us and the landlord gave them our name, address (obviously), and phone number without our consent or knowledge.
This really made me mad because she’s a licensed realtor and clearly knows better. I woke up to some stranger banging on the door and screaming ‘Hello?!’ on a Friday and simply ignored them until they left.
Then the flood of texts came – from the landlord and the crazy prior tenant.
I work very long hours in a restricted area so no phone access. When I saw a large amount of texts I simply responded that I had very limited availability and that if they were expecting a package, feel free to pick it up from the patio.
Apparently, they wanted to serve as a delivery notification service even though it was sent via UPS with a tracking number.
After this mess, I sent my landlord a polite but firm text saying do not, under any circumstances, provide my name, phone number, or address to anyone requesting it.
She responded ‘OK sorry’ and it’s been radio silence ever since so my assumption is she’s mad. Previously she would check in via text somewhat often but that hasn’t happened in months. I’m seriously considering leaving a review on her realtor/brokerage website but won’t until we’ve moved out.
Four days ago another package was delivered to my residence with a third name. That tenant came by today, told me about her package, and said there would be another tomorrow. She then asks me to take her number and text her when the package arrives.
I wasn’t comfortable with that arrangement for a few reasons
1. I generally don’t want strangers to have my name, phone number, and address;
2. It’s not my responsibility to keep these people informed of their delivery statuses;
3. Some of these tenants haven’t lived here for 2-3 years and yet still have packages delivered;
4. There was no apology or mention of an inconvenience – more like a dictation of ‘Hey take my number and text me when this arrives’.
I told her it wouldn’t work due to work (I didn’t want to tell her specifics about work schedules, etc.) and apologized. I then suggest she is free to pick up the next package when it’s delivered in case I’m not home.
She seemed mad about it and said something like ‘I’ll see if I can work it into my schedule to swing by’.
So my questions are:
AITJ for calling my landlord out about that breach of privacy? Should I leave a review or take action – I feel as a realtor she should know better.
AITJ for refusing to be the package notification service for these prior tenants?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You need to be removed from these delivery loops; period! People are taking liberties requiring you to fulfill something that serves only them. You were gracious to invite them onto the patio for them to retrieve and she had the gall to give you grief.
Your landlord is crazy wrong in giving out your contact information to a source you did not approve. There has to be an ethical and/or legal consequence to this with respect to her licensing board. Don’t keep waiting for her to ‘touch base’; you are a renter and do not need to placate this relationship.
Moving forward: The moment a package is on your patio it stays there. You immediately call the carrier and request it be picked up. If the addressed recipient cannot make it to your patio before the retrieval then that’s on them. Take care of yourself first. Several in this scenario are bulldozing you with demands, updates, and requests; Not Your Problem.
Also, choose to not answer your door. Best to you.” DesertSong-LaLa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ mostly because the REA shouldn’t have given out your contact details and you’re not responsible for managing other people’s packages.
However ‘I woke up to some stranger banging on the door and screaming ‘Hello?!’ on a Friday and simply ignored them until they left.’
Refusing to answer the door in this situation seems a bit unnecessary and an old tenant would know the address regardless. Answering the door would have resolved that package situation immediately. People receiving packages are not always responsible for the sender using an old address and as housing affordability and predatory landlords become more of an issue, people living in and moving between rentals are going to become more of an issue in society.
An issue that could one day affect one of your deliveries. Maybe just leave the packages in a spot out of sight and let the REA know that’s where they will be and only the REA has your permission to retrieve them.” cruiserman_80
14. AITJ For Not Letting The Previous Owners Of My Dog See Him For The Last Time?
“I bought a dog a week ago from a family moving overseas for an indefinite amount of time, while I myself am moving states in a few days and taking the dog with me.
Upon buying the dog, he came with various toys, harnesses, leashes, and extras that came with him, and I drove for 1 hour and paid the agreed-upon price. I instantly bonded with the dog and he sleeps by the foot of my bed the entire time.
Now recently the previous family, who I’ve kept in touch with and sent photos and videos, asked me to give back a muzzle and electric collar which I obliged, but in doing so I had to drive 1 hour back towards where they live. I apparently gave them not the muzzle I received from them but a new one I had bought myself so they’re asking me to drive back and give me the correct muzzle to them.
Now at this point, I was a bit annoyed because the muzzle was for a supposed friend of their dog and it didn’t fit, and it’s not my problem, plus my car is a fuel guzzler, it’s expensive and takes a lot of time (2-hour round trip).
Plus I didn’t have to take it back as technically I bought them along with the dog.
The lady also claims her 3 kids want to see the dog again (even though she told me the dog was shut outside most of the time as it’s a large breed and they don’t want him accidentally hurting the kids who are all under 10).
Two of the kids saw the dog again but didn’t seem very excited. I’m retired from the navy with a lot of free time under my belt usually but I need to start driving approx 1000 miles to my new property, leaving as soon as the weather permits.
I also have a lot of last-minute necessary errands to do and probably won’t have time to make another two-hour round trip. Is it normal for the precious owners to demand to see their dog so often again?
AITJ for not letting them meet the dog in person again and not swapping the new muzzle I gave them for the old one they gave me?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you are a little too nice for your own good. They parted with the dog – and you are right, they sold you all of the paraphernalia so it is rightfully yours – but this request if theirs is not merely unreasonable, it’s unhealthy.
It’s unhealthy for you to be driving that much for such a ludicrous reason. It is unhealthy for their entire family, including the kids. And above all, it’s unhealthy for your dog.
When they decided to get rid of their dog, they chose as well to get rid of all rights to that dog.
I wonder how the dog is with all this. How is the dog meant to let go of his old life if you keep taking him back? Since you are moving interstate, the time has come for all to accept the dog is not coming back.
I would refuse to take him again.
Do what you need to prep for your move, and if they harass you again, block their number. Tell them they need to let go. They made the choice to do that when they sold him to you, so now you are saying ‘Goodbye’ – finally and for the last, final, terminal time!” Draculamb
Another User Comments:
“NTJ based on the fact it’s only been a week and they’ve already seen the dog once, which was because you invested the time and gas money to make it happen. If they were so invested, they’d be willing to meet you halfway.
If they’re not that invested, then it’s definitely okay to say no. If they are willing to make the effort, and you don’t, then you’d be the jerk.
Most people love and feel connected to their pets, rehoming is a hard thing to do. I’d want to be able to see my dog one last time too.
I’m sure you’d feel the same. The dog might be confused, but that’s not a great justification for refusing just one more visit. Let them know that if they want this, it’s their turn to come to you. Apart from the drive and gas money, one last visit isn’t going to cost you much.” goldenrodgal
13. AITJ For Not Wanting My Husband To Give His Ex-Wife Money For Christmas Gifts?
“I (38 F) just got married to Jim (45 M). He has two children with his ex-wife, twin girls (15 years old), who live 5 hours away. I have no children. I have a great job, I have a rental property, & I have two other side hustles that add to my income.
Jim works full-time but doesn’t make as much as me. He takes care of the kids & the mortgage. I take care of all bills, car notes/insurance, & major purchases. I have plenty left over to spoil myself & Jim. His relationship with the girls is great, & my relationship is pretty good.
We get them for a weekend every month & most breaks. We also try our best to attend extracurricular events.
Jim pays child support for half of extracurriculars & health insurance costs but also gives allowance, purchases most of the girls’ clothing, pays for their hair to get done, & more.
Their mother does not think it is enough & constantly berates him. She says she barely makes ends meet. I believe her, she is on disability for her asthma, & refuses to work. She has two degrees but says that because she has not worked in 16 years she won’t now.
Lately, she has been commenting on my lifestyle. She tells Jim that I should help more financially with the girls. He lets her know that the girls aren’t my responsibility financially & that I support them in other ways. He lets me know that he is fine with me doing the extras for the girls (gifts, vacations, nails & such when they are with us).
For Xmas, she wants to do as they ‘always have’ where Jim provides $1000 & she buys Christmas gifts ‘from mom & dad’. I let Jim know that this was not ok now that we were married & a family. We can take the $1000 & buy the girls gifts from him & me.
He is on the fence & does not think she will have money to buy the girls gifts. I think it is not our problem. Note: the girls will be with us on Christmas.
Also, their birthday is coming up & they are turning 16. Jim wants to buy them a car & put it in our name & on our insurance.
I think it is a bad idea because there are 2 other adults in the mom’s home who don’t work/don’t have a car. I think they will bully the girls into ‘borrowing’ the car & it will be more of a communal car.
I don’t want Jim & I to be responsible for anything happening if anyone other than the girls drives it. Jim understands & shares my concerns. My compromise is if we could go half on a cash car & their mother would pay the other half and put the car in her name & on her insurance.
He does not think their mother will be able to come up with the money & he feels bad because if we don’t buy the car, they won’t get one.
I am starting to think that I may be the jerk because I don’t help financially with the girls’ needs only their wants when they are with us, & I keep saying no to Jim.
AITJ because I don’t want Jim to give his ex-wife money for Christmas gifts from ‘Mom & Dad’? Also, AITJ because I don’t think it is a good idea to buy the girls a car which I would have to help pay for?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The mom is using your husband and by proxy you for money. If she can’t afford to live on what she currently is given/earns she should see a lawyer and get child support or something reassessed. There is a difference between ensuring your stepchildren are taken care of and subsidizing the mother.
Giving her money so she can buy her children Xmas gifts is subsidizing her. That might be an unpopular opinion but it is true.
I completely understand why you would expect and want yourself and your husband to buy gifts together for the girls. You’re expected to help find their lifestyle/well-being, you want to be included. That is completely fair.
If she cannot afford presents herself and this is something your husband won’t budge on, then the presents should be from the 3 of you. Or she gets given less money from your husband to buy them presents from her, and you two can buy the girls gifts for Xmas day.” Slow_Orange_239
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. This is a tricky situation. If your finances and Jim’s are separate, and it’s Jim’s $1K that buys the gifts, then you don’t get to say how those gifts are presented. If you’re contributing any part of that $1K, then you should get a vote, though.
If you want to buy your own gifts for the girls, of course, you can do so.
You make good points about the car insurance situation. While you can’t control how Jim spends his own money (again, assuming finances are separate), the kids being on your (plural) insurance makes the car thing your business too.
Jim could try to get mom to pay for the insurance – and probably should do that.” Rredhead926
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You and Jim are a family now. You and Jim and his daughters are your own unit when they are with you. It is possible to keep the car in Jim’s name only, have the girls covered on Jim’s car insurance, and specifically exclude all other drivers in the household the girls stay in while they are with their mother.
There could possibly be technology (biometrics) that would exclude others besides the girls from driving the vehicle. It is worth exploring.
As far as Christmas, at almost 16 the twins are old enough to see through the ‘mom and dad’ Xmas gift lie. Make sure Jim educates his ex that tradition is done.” JustAGal_Love
12. AITJ For Forcing My Baby Daddy To Pay Child Support?
“So my child is going on 6 and about 2 years ago I told my baby daddy that I was considering child support because he wasn’t helping. Well, we agreed that he would send $100 a week (about $400 a month) because child support would take a lot more and I didn’t want him to be worse off.
He kept up on his end of the agreement for about a year consistently well for about the last year I’ve gotten maybe $200, max $300 a month.
He asked me last month if he could just send 3 times a month ($300/month) and I said yes, as long as he told me the week before when he was unable to send.
He did let me know in advance one time and then just decided he wasn’t going to communicate when he wouldn’t be able to and as much as I know I shouldn’t, I do rely on the funds from him as our child is sick a lot which causes me to miss work often.
So he has been putting me in a worse financial spot and our child is about to have surgery which will have me off of work for a minimum of 3 weeks.
Also, I feel like it’s relevant to mention that I am the one to provide all of her Xmas presents.
I mentioned this because Xmas is 4 days after her surgery so I would like to make it a good one.
Anyway, I asked him last week if he would be willing to help me out more while I’m off work and he replied by complaining about how much he’s struggling.
And then proceeded to not tell me he wasn’t able to help this week until this week came I asked what day he could send and then he informed me the day after he was supposed to have sent it that he wasn’t.
I’ve held off for almost 6 years and I’ve been considering applying for almost a year since he isn’t keeping up with our agreement and I have her full-time.
I’m finally feeling ready to actually apply but I can’t help but feel bad because I know how expensive life is, but I also feel like I’ve been very lenient.
AITJ if I put him on child support?”
Another User Comments:
“It boggles my mind that this is even a question. Nobody is a jerk for expecting the other parent to do their part in supporting their child, and enforcing it if they don’t. Stop viewing it as if his obligation is about you in any way, like you’re doing something wrong to him.
It’s about the child. Doing what’s best for them and making sure they get everything they are entitled to, you are their voice. Never feel bad for being your child’s advocate and getting them what they are owed and need. Your feelings and baby daddy’s feelings are irrelevant in this situation, but also not correct for you to worry over your baby daddy’s feelings here.
You already know what’s right, so go get it momma. Rock this crap.” Maleficent_Invite917
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You would be a jerk for not doing it. Remember that these funds are for your child, not for you. If the father comes up with the money outside of the system, then fine, I suppose.
But since he doesn’t everything should go through the system. In my country, this happens automatically. If the father is unable to pay, the state will pay, and the father then owes the money to the state and it will be taken at the source together with his taxes.
I think it is wrong for the mother to decide that the father will not be paying child support.” FragrantEconomist386
11. AITJ For Bringing Our Kids To Visit My Ex-Husband's Parents?
“My ex-husband has been estranged from his parents for 3 years, we have been divorced for 6 years. His parents were always loving and sweet with our children (ages 9, 10, 13) and they are not bad people.
They are both two normal people with normal jobs, home, hobbies, etc – nothing concerning like addictions or violence. My ex-husband has always held a grudge against his dad – mostly because I think he felt jealous his siblings’ kids ‘got more attention’ though I never really noticed it that much myself.
We were married for 7 years, so I’ve spent a lot of time around his parents with the birth of our children and holidays and we lived in the same town so we saw them decently.
Even though we’ve been divorced for a while I stayed in contact with his sister over the years periodically.
After a few years of my kids mentioning they hadn’t seen their grandparents in a long time I reached out to their aunt about it and she kind of filled me in. The reasoning for the estrangement was pretty petty, his parents didn’t have a lot of extra income when the global crisis happened and they couldn’t afford to get the kids birthday presents and he told them to forget his existed. His parents had not seen the kids in three years!
I eventually came into contact with his parents again and they really missed the kids.
I asked my kids if they would be interested in seeing their grandparents and they all got very excited and very much wanted to see them! So we arranged it and I brought the kids over and we stayed a good long while and the kids had a blast. It was really sweet seeing them bond with their grandparents.
I myself was very close to my grandparents, and I actually don’t have parents, so I know how important some family bonds can be. Nothing negative was said about their father whatsoever and it was purely just for the kids to bond with their grandparents.
They of course told their dad about it and he was furious. He sternly contacted me and told me they were his parents, not mine and it was his responsibility to bring them over or not, not mine. He was mad. I responded only to tell him that my intention was not to upset him, but just to do what I thought was in the kids’ best interest, on my time.
I just would hate for something to happen to his parents and the kids have no memories with them to remember. AITJ for this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, barring legitimate concerns about their safety, your ex-husband doesn’t get to make his issues with his parents a barrier preventing the kids from having a relationship with them, nor does he get any say about what happens during your custodial time.
If he’s upset, it’s of his own making, and unless he can provide a reasonable argument for keeping the kids in no contact with grandma and grandpa, his emotional response is of no consequence.” EclecticSpree
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If there was a safety concern, or there was mistreatment or overt favoritism, something that would hurt your kids emotionally or physically?
Then I’d say you were the jerk. But there doesn’t seem to be. What there seems to be is an ex that I am not surprised is an ex, and a family that wants to love your kids, a family that your kids would benefit from knowing.
I’m guessing that your kids weren’t getting presents, but his siblings’ kids did, and that triggered him. But things were hard for a lot of people. Your ex is using your children as a weapon against his parents. He’s not mad they’re seeing them, he’s mad he can’t use them to hurt his parents.” Natural_Garbage7674
10. AITJ For Giving My Kids More Expensive Gifts Than My Other Family Members?
“I (35 f) am the oldest of 7 siblings and cousins and have taken the responsibility of hosting holidays from my grandmother. As you can imagine, this adds up to a lot of people that come over as almost everyone was spouses and children (10 kids, 5 spouses) plus my parents and my aunt and uncle.
Every year for Christmas, I make sure to get all the kids decent gifts (adults get gifts too but they are handmade from my shop). Normally I spend around 35$ on each kid but sometimes I spend more or less depending on the kids’ likes. My 2 kids, on the other hand, get a gift around the same value to unwrap with all the cousins and then they open everything else on Christmas morning.
Here’s where the problem lies. After the holidays, the kids talk about what they all got. This causes issues because while we aren’t rich, my husband and I are well off. This means that we spend way more on our kids. For example, last year my oldest got a PS5, and my youngest got a playhouse.
I’m obviously not going to spend that much on all the other kids.
This year, I was making plans with everyone about when we are hosting. One of my cousins asked me if I was going all out for my kids this year. I said yes but not as much as last year(new bikes).
She asked if I was going to buy all the kids a new bike or if was I just going to flaunt my wealth. When I asked her why would I buy everyone else’s kids’ bikes another cousin chimed in that everyone sees how much I spend on my own kids and it’s not fair to all the others.
I countered by asking if they were spending the same amount on my kids that they are with their own. They told me it wasn’t their job to plus I overspend anyway so I can obviously afford it. I told them I have 2 kids, not 10, and that it’s their job to buy expensive crap for their own kids.
Our entire family is now fighting with part agreeing that I can spend whatever I want on my own children, a part saying my overspending is bad for the other kids, and a part saying this is stupid.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are amazing hosting around 30?
people every Christmas! That’s a huge undertaking of your time, energy, and finances. You assumed responsibility for hosting all holidays from your grandmother – time for others to do the same. Set boundaries (adults can continue with their tantrums) and tell the family – that you are going to rotate your hosting responsibilities – INCLUDING CHRISTMAS.
NOT YOUR PROBLEM OR RESPONSIBILITY. If limited finances, they can host a potluck. If limited space, many of us grew up in small apartments and hosted HUGE holidays.
You are thoughtful, and generous with your nieces/nephews. Some family members feel very entitled to ‘your’ money.
YOUR money. YOUR business. Other than your parents, stop using precious time & resources to make adult family gifts. Regarding gifts for the other kids – spend the agreed-upon amount.
Gift your children whatever you want. And don’t engage in further talk about what you should do.
Your family is ungrateful. Have your parents over another time – or treat for a nice meal before or after the holidays. Think about a great family vacation with hubby/kids over next Christmas. This is only on you if you allow it.” Pizzaeveryday59
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is so sad that you give generously and it’s turned into a referendum on your resources. They are flat-out jealous of you and should deal with their own feelings of inadequacy rather than laying them on you. What you spend on your children is absolutely none of their business.
People have different means in this world, and their children, depending on age, likely understand that. If they don’t yet, they will soon, whether at Christmas or in school, or wherever. What a shame that your relatives don’t take this as an opportunity to teach their children about gratitude.
This world isn’t fair, and it’s not your job to make it so for everyone.” TYJerry
9. AITJ For Telling My Partner I'm Making A Sacrifice By Spending Christmas With His Family?
“I (26 f) spent 22-26 of December with my partner’s (‘Luke’) family, staying at his parents’ house along with his sister, her husband, and their kids.
It was a long few days to say the very least. It’s very cramped quarters (3 bedrooms, 1 full bathroom), and very different to my own family’s Christmas.
Luke’s family, his mother especially, are not my biggest fan (totally fair, as we’re all very different), his niece and nephew are unruly, they eat food that I don’t, all in all, not what I would call a good time. Nevertheless, I went to Christmas at Luke’s request and tried my best to make sure I was not a burden or embarrassment to Luke while he tried to spend time with his family.
Today, we left to go home, and tomorrow I will be going to see my mother for a few days before returning for New Year’s, when Luke and I will be attending my friend’s party. The party is a black-tie event that Luke is not looking forward to as he doesn’t know/like anyone going besides me.
In the car on the way home, he joked that he really wasn’t looking forward to going. I joked back that I made a sacrifice going to his family for Christmas, so now it was his turn, and at least the party was only a few hours.
Luke got offended that I said seeing his family was a sacrifice and asked if I really meant that. I said yes, I did, obviously I did since I pretty much subsisted on coffee for 3 days, his niece ruined a piece of my personalized luggage set, and his family clearly didn’t like me.
I said I was happy to go for him, and that I would do it again, but it wasn’t enjoyable for me beyond seeing him happy.
This was apparently deeply offensive as he said he felt like he’d had a nice family Christmas and that I’d ruined the memories now that he knew I was pretending the whole time.
I’m a bit confused as to how he would think I legitimately enjoyed being cold, hungry, and having no privacy for days on end, and not being with my family for Christmas. But either way, it was a choice I was happy to make for him and it’s not the end of the world.
I don’t see how I’m the jerk for pointing out (humorously and with no malice) that I made a sacrifice for Luke, but he’s been cold to me since I said it. Am I missing something here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, even if things at his folks’ place had been lovely, there is always a sacrifice involved when you spend a major holiday with SO’s family and not your own (assuming they are people you want to be with, obviously!) Successful relationships balance out the sacrifices on both sides in a way that lets both parties feel like they are getting enough of what they want and not losing more than they can bear.
You don’t need to lay out every indignity of Christmas for him to understand the kindergarten concept of ‘we did a thing you want, now let’s do a thing I want.’ If he can’t compromise on these simple issues, you’re likely to have trouble on bigger issues in the future.” ExtraplanetJanet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Perhaps it is the way you phrased it, not what you said, that made him upset. You seem to be an adult about the situation – you don’t particularly enjoy it and the fact that it lasts for multiple days is making it even more of an endurance test. But those things need to be explained with tact.
You just need to explain to him that you want him to enjoy time with his family. That for you it is not the ideal way you would spend Christmas (hence the sacrifice) but you WANT to do it for him. Explain how the duration of it is what makes it difficult for you to enjoy because you enjoy your freedom.
And it is different for him because he can already be himself around his family.” Pandorasbox1987
8. AITJ For Telling My Sister She Should Apologize To My Kids?
“My husband (37 M) and I (37 F) have 5 children (16 F, 16 M, 10 F, 8 M, and 6 M), our twins (Paisley and Brysen) are juniors in high school and starting to think about college, getting ready for applications, etc. My sister, Beth (40 F), lives in another state and we don’t see her much, but she is here for the holidays, as the rest of our family lives near us, Beth is the one who moved. Beth has been here since Wednesday and after a major conflict, I don’t know if I’m acting like a jerk.
When Beth got here, we (our parents, my siblings, kids, nephews, nieces, etc.) all greeted her after she was done getting settled in the hotel. We then went to our parents’ house for dinner.
Beth was asking Paisley and Brysen about college. My husband and I love all of our kids and accept them for who they are.
Brysen has always been a very ambitious kid, even in elementary school, Brysen was elected athletics commissioner in his school elections in 4th grade and has held a similar role (like spirit coordinator) since, he plays baseball and has umpired for younger kids, is part of NHS, takes APs, has done college classes since late middle school, works at a sporting goods store, and is civically engaged, etc. Paisley is a much more quiet, introverted girl, she doesn’t do sports or many clubs, she just likes to be in her room and draw, knit, paint, or watch TV or TikToks.
This is fine with us, we realize every kid is different with their own passions, talents, and abilities. Obviously, as one may expect from this information, Brysen is planning on applying to more selective colleges than Paisley and we’re ok with that and so is Paisley.
The issue is how Beth reacted to hearing all of this. She asked us why we didn’t push Paisley harder and said it was ‘a shame’ Paisley ‘ruined her shot of getting into a good school’, Brysen was actually the first one to defend her, complaining about how he’s sick of always being compared to Paisley by other people, he told her to get lost. This is when she started to yell, and my mom took Brysen and Paisley away from the situation.
I talked to Beth in private after she had calmed down, she demanded I make Brysen apologize, but I told her I wouldn’t and told her to apologize to him and Paisley, she said she was just telling the truth about a ‘dog-eat-dog world’, I told her to stop being an elitist jerk.
After this, she was quiet for the night, but when she got back to the hotel, she texted our siblings and parents what happened and now they’re telling me to apologize to her for calling her that. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Your 16-year-old son told an adult to get lost and you defended him?!
Everyone sucks here! For obvious reasons: your son because it doesn’t sound like Beth was rude (given the story), but it does sound like she overstepped. If she is worried about your daughter, that should be spoken about in private with you and she could ask questions.
It’s pretty natural to wonder why your daughter isn’t excelling and I bet she is tired of being compared to her brother and at this point has given up trying to be like him in any way.
The fact that you’ve accepted that is a red flag and YTJ for not keeping a keener eye on these issues.
They both need to apologize. She needs to apologize to your daughter for not understanding how she is a very different person from her brother and your son needs to apologize for being so disrespectful.” GimmeUrNachos
Another User Comments:
“Nope. NTJ. Well done Mama! Your kids are confident and stand up for each other, even to adults, which isn’t easy to do.
They are doing what is right for them and it’s beautiful that you and your husband support that. Beth is off her rocker for asking them to apologize for a fight she started. Plus, she’s the adult here. Why is she fighting with kids in the first place?
Tell your family you’ll apologize as soon as she apologizes to your kids. Fair and square.” MegsyMegsy321
7. AITJ For Asking My Roommate's Partner To Go Home For One Single Night?
“Three people live in the house but I am the one with the lease under my name. It’s me (24 f), my partner (24 m), and his brother (21 m), let’s call them Jack and Dave.
Jack and I moved in three years ago almost and Dave moved in two years ago under the condition that he has a job, pays his rent, and takes the trash out.
Dave has a partner Miley (18 f). Miley is extremely different than me and that’s okay.
Jack and I are introverts who like quiet and to be weird in the peace and quiet of our own home. Dave is a sometimes introvert sometimes extrovert and it worked well with us till his partner started coming around. Miley is a princess. She has to have her way or it’s a scream-crying temper tantrum.
We don’t like to stick our nose in their relationship because it’s their relationship we don’t know the intimate details of it and we don’t need to.
I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family so I like to have my peace and quiet it’s helped me fix myself a lot.
But with Miley coming around I’m picking up my old bad habits. I also lost my only grandma and my dad in the space of three months at the end of the last year so things have been stressful, to say the least. Miley has been at the house for the last three weeks non-stop.
When I lost my grandma I asked Dave if Miley could maybe not come over for the night because I was grieving and extremely upset. That ended with Dave ‘putting his foot down’ and Miley was still there and had a scream tantrum over him not making her ramen right.
When my dad passed I wasn’t as upset he was a horrible person but he was still my dad and Miley was too busy to be there so I got the quiet I needed.
Dave doesn’t have a job right now and it’s not his fault but Jack and I are paying for everything.
The grocery bill has gone up because Miley is an extremely picky eater and I refuse to let people go hungry in my home but that means we basically have 30$ for two weeks to make it to and from work.
Jack and I are extremely stressed right now and the scream tantrums are not helping.
This morning I put my car in a ditch to prevent an accident Jack and I are fine and so is the car but we had to pay 150 to get us pulled out so we really have nothing except things Miley won’t eat and I can’t stand another scream tantrum so I asked Dave if Miley could go home and sent him pictures of the car in a ditch saying we’re extremely stressed and if Miley could go home for the night just tonight.
We haven’t received an answer but god I don’t want to go home if she’s there I can’t stand another scream tantrum or to hear her whiny voice as she cusses him out for something she herself can do on her own.
Am I the jerk for asking her to just go home for one single night? I feel like I’m the jerk because he does have a say on who’s in the house seeing as he does live there but two of the three are saying go home and one is being stubborn and ignoring the house vote.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is turning into a four-person household, only three of whom contribute financially (now two since Dave is out of work). She should not be there nearly all the time and overnight every night if she is not paying rent and her share of utilities and groceries.
Stop right now covering any meals for her. If she comes over, she can bring food she is willing to eat. You are not her host, per se—Dave is her host. They have to figure out her food. Sit down with Dave and be direct about the tension her ‘screaming’ causes you.
Find a compromise with him that will work for you. Perhaps allow her to stay on weekends but not weekday nights. She can stay during the weekdays but go home by 5 pm.
Does she work or go to school? Why isn’t she absent more for those things?
Keep covering Dave’s expenses if you wish, but make sure he’s actively seeking work. It is your name on the lease – you can set some reasonable ground rules, and right now, Miley is freeloading and you and Jake are carrying Dave. Set some expectations, and be firm.” Euphoric_Travel2541
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, a lot of leases have rules about how often overnight guests can stay, this is because they add to utilities. I would let brother know that he is welcome and can have overnight guests 1-2 nights a week. That she can eat her own food, and there are rules about the screaming.
If she starts a very firm ‘please leave if you cannot control yourself’ and follow through. You are not the bad guy you are currently a doormat. She does not live there, if brother wants her to, he can have a convo with you and you can agree or not with the rules: Do not give up your peace and how it affects your well-being.” k-weezy
6. AITJ For Exchanging The Gifts My Brother Has Been Giving Me?
“For the past three years, my brother (25 M) and I (22 M) have exchanged Christmas/B-day gifts. We live in Canada and with the housing crisis, moving out isn’t really an option. This year, he surprised me with a drone. I spent $100 on a white Nike cap, brown Raptors Toque, Hat Organizer, and Leafs lanyard.
He’s always stressed about misplacing his hats and wants more that are my style.
I was shocked when I opened the drone gift. I was also worried it was expensive, so I asked how much he spent. He reassured me that he spent a similar amount.
However, I couldn’t shake off the disappointment and anxiety, as I felt the drone wasn’t something I’d use. I believe he gets me things he wants for himself. My brother admitted in front of me, my mom, and his significant other – that the gifts he buys me – are also something he can wear and use.
I acted happy and grateful but my SO sensed my discomfort, knowing this is something my brother would love and that I’ve never shown any interest in.
Some examples (you could skip this):
1. He gave me bright Red 550 New Balances. He already has the exact same for himself in blue ‘he liked both so much and couldn’t pick so he got the red ones for me’ – I later asked for a receipt to make an exchange, no receipt and he has worn them.
2. One b-day he gave me Purple Vans with a ‘One Piece’ design (this is his favorite anime). I enjoy the show but I’ve NEVER worn anything like this (I have a very minimalistic style, I can provide a link to the shoes). This 100% was something he wanted for himself (no receipt provided).
At the time, I felt really bad because I knew I wouldn’t wear the shoes and he would notice. I thanked him for the gift.
Later I told him how I felt and asked him to keep the Vans (he was very happy and wears them every day), while I kept my gift to him – a custom ‘One Piece’ poster of his favorite character (he wanted posters for his room this year).
For the past 3 years, it’s just been more of the same. I feel he doesn’t put in effort, I ask for a receipt, and my family calls me ungrateful. While my gifts are always so personal to him.
My SO noticed this trend and how increasingly rude he’s been with me over the years.
I don’t feel close with him – like she does with her younger brother (4 years apart, we’re 3). My SO asked me to make this post because I’ve been extremely conflicted
My parents call me ungrateful. Sometimes I think my brother gets me stuff he likes, thinking I’d like it too.
However, it’s difficult to communicate with my brother. He reacts angrily to simple requests for advice. He says he’s a responsible older brother but I don’t even feel close to him. I can give more examples of other crappy things he does
So, am I being the jerk by always asking for a receipt?
And would I be the jerk again, if I ask to return the drone? I know that it will cause an argument/greater rift between us, and how my parents would react.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but maybe just try to return the gift without telling him or your family.
It sounds like that may be hard since you all live together. If not, you might just a) stop exchanging gifts, b) give a list of charities you’d have get a gift, c) give your family a list of things you want next time. You can also just accept the gift and let it be nothing to you OR regift it.
In the end, your brother isn’t thoughtful. His own version of thoughtful is giving you what he loves, which doesn’t feel personalized because it’s not. So helping guide his gifts and literally giving your family instructions might be the best solution.” PepperLamp
Another User Comments:
“While it does sound like he’s not as good of a gift giver as you, the more generous take on his behavior is that the two of you have overlapping tastes, and he’s either using his own interests to figure out what you want because if you like x and he likes x, and if he likes y then you might also like y, or because he’s trying to get you interested in things he likes (like the drone) because he’s trying to build commonality.
But you also aren’t a jerk for exchanging the gifts because they don’t fit what you like. This is an opportunity to actually talk to him and see if you can figure out the disconnect. NTJ” Throwawhaey
5. AITJ For Not Allowing My Sons To Go On A Trip With Friends?
“I (46 M) have three sons but this regards the two older ones, Riley (24 M) and Adam (16 M).
Riley and Adam have a normal brotherly relationship. They’re always ‘fighting’ (jokingly), stealing each other’s stuff, etc. When they were younger, Riley did used to pick on Adam but my wife and I resolved it.
For the past year or so, they’ve really gotten closer. Adam has always been a quiet child and Riley is the textbook extrovert and he’s really helped his younger brother come out of his shell. Adam has a twin sister, Kate, who is equally as extroverted as Riley but I think that gaining that bond with his older brother is what helped him change.
Growing up, Adam and Kate fell into the ‘loud twin and quiet twin’ roles so I think his new closeness with Riley is what helped.
A few weeks ago, Riley asked me if he could take Adam with him on a weekend trip with his friends who are all 22-26.
Now, when I was younger, I used to take my younger brother on trips with my friends but we only have a 3-year age gap, not 8. And my younger brother was not as anti-social as Adam tends to get. Plus, sometimes the boys take it too far when messing with each other, and my wife and I have to intervene before they actually get upset with each other.
As much as I love Riley, he is also not the type of person you can entrust a person to—I wouldn’t even trust him with a goldfish. He’s the type of person who forgets to eat and take meds and Adam is hypoglycemic, and because of his social anxiety, I don’t think he’d take himself to the kitchen in the apartment they’ll be renting for the trip if there are other people there.
I’d maybe feel safer if Kate went too, but I don’t want to send my daughter on a trip with a bunch of guys.
For these reasons, I said no and I told them why in a watered-down way. He accused me of not trusting him and Adam to behave themselves and is currently very upset with me.
Adam is also pretty annoyed with me for ‘treating him like a child’. Adam has also never been on a sleepover before (his choice) and I don’t understand why both of them aren’t at least trying to understand my perspective.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know. You know your kids. And I can definitely see your hesitation. But at the same time, I do see room for this to be a real learning experience for Adam. You said you gave them a watered-down version of ‘why’. Why not TALK to them?
Ask them questions, express your concerns, etc, and see what they say. Talk about some of these scenarios – what if Adam needs food but feels awkward going to the kitchen – what will he do? And even, if he’s THAT introverted to where he’s never been on a sleepover, what happens if he gets there and realizes he actually doesn’t like it?
I don’t think you’re the jerk for saying no, but I also think this could be a learning experience. Especially as this is an outdoorsy type of thing. At first, I was thinking beach/possible bar hopping, which would get a big fat no. But if that’s not what they do – could be a good experience.” Goalie_LAX_21093
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – As a parent, it’s your job to set boundaries and protect your kids, however, you also need to let them grow and develop independence.
While a weekend away with a bunch of dudes may not be the best idea, I do think you need to foster this bonding between your kids and also urge Riley to be more responsible and Adam to be more independent and accountable for his own needs.
Perhaps they could do a weekend away just the two of them, but within a short distance of home in case things don’t go well. Let them dip their toes in the water and see how it goes. Send both boys with a list of dos and don’ts.
Like no illegal stuff or drinking, no pressuring to do things if one or the other says no, Adam has to be responsible for his dietary needs and medications. Adam should travel with some non-perishable foods in his bag in case he needs something quickly for his blood sugar.
These are off limits as snacks and only to be used for his medical needs.” BluePopple
4. AITJ For Deleting The Items My Fiance's Mom Picked For Our Registry?
“After my fiancé’s and my engagement 1.5 years ago, we began planning our dream wedding. FMIL has only sons, so we tried to include her in the planning. Every choice was critiqued or manipulated, and our requests were ignored or denied for what she wanted herself.
We sadly included her less.
FMIL comes from a traditional background. Before cutting her out of planning, she continually pressured us to register for certain items—fine china, silver, expensive chargers, $500 cake plates, etc. I kindly explained that we had many of those items already (e.g., my grandmother gifted us her china as a wedding present), and for others, we would rather have practical items we would use regularly.
We had carefully planned our registry based on our wants and needs as a couple.
She did not relent, and out of a desire to make her happy (and make her shut up) we registered at a traditional shop in their city. Because we did this for her, we made a big deal of it.
Invited her to come with us (she said no). Discussed what we had picked with her. Sent her the online link multiple times. She continually pressured us about not having certain items on the registry, but we held firm to our choices.
After ordering our invitations several weeks ago, I reviewed our registries one final time.
The registry in their city had many items we had chosen deleted, and ~$5000 (!!!) of random things added. I thought the computer system had glitched. After contacting the shop, they informed us FMIL had visited the store and changed our registry ‘on our behalf.’
Not only that but through the investigation, we discovered we had registries in shops across the city we did not even know about!
(Presumably which she had told all the guests on their side about.) I was furious.
Wanting to cool down before confronting her, I had a very awkward conversation with stores that we did not know about nor authorize those registries, did not know what was on them (some did not have online components), and would appreciate shutting them down or returning them to their original lists until we could get a handle on the situation.
My mother, who has been there through all of FMIL’s wedding drama, helped me make the calls.
My fiancé then gets a call from his parents saying how mean my mother and I are and that we ‘hate’ FMIL (we have never done anything except politely say no to her interfering).
My fiancé shot back that what she did was out of line. They proceed to guilt trip and gaslight him saying they didn’t understand what was wrong about it and she was just trying to ‘help.’ That I had upset her by deleting all the items she picked for our registry.
Moreover, she even said she didn’t know we had registered at the one store we made such a big deal out of so she went there to ‘help’ us by making one (yet deleted the things we had chosen?). Instead of an apology, all I got was a message saying: ‘Thought that was ok’.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But you are kinda a jerk to yourself for trying to appease her. You don’t calm down the crazy monster in-laws, you just set boundaries that are not to be crossed, and stand by them, and you only give in to have proof that you tried to work with her later on once she starts involving others saying that you hate her.
If she tries to put you in a bad light, just gather proof of everything she’s doing that’s out of line, and blow her up on social media, explaining everything she’s done (but talk to a lawyer first since I don’t know how defamation laws work in your country).” Jonyodisa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. How dare she! So she’s basically trying to create a registry of things SHE wants and will then try to grift them off you! You need to have a serious chat with your fiancé about putting your future MIL in her place and that what she did is unacceptable!
Personally, if it was me I’d cancel all those ‘registries’ and uninvite her from the wedding until she could prove she was genuinely sorry. If you don’t put a lid on this behavior now it’s only going to get worse. Grifting is NOT ‘traditional’ behavior.” ColdstreamCapple
3. AITJ For Causing My Classmate To Get Detention?
“Today I had a drink while in a lesson which isn’t uncommon however, it was in a can. This isn’t a usual behavior of mine. I always try my best to get bottled drinks and keep them off of the desk but I couldn’t in case this drink was knocked over.
I was doing my work to try and avoid a detention for lack of work.
I ended up in my own little world, daydreaming while I worked on autopilot. Apparently one of my friends had been calling my name and I hadn’t noticed. To get my attention she had launched a pencil case at my head which in turn knocked my drink over.
I informed the teacher that she had accidentally done it and cleaned it up as best I could. Turns out the red coloring of this drink stained the table. I felt awful and was apologizing profusely.
After the lesson, I got kept behind and was told not to bring cans into that teacher’s lessons anymore which was understandable and the girl that had thrown the pencil case was kept behind.
Later that day she informed me that I’d caused her to receive a detention as it’s not the first time she’s thrown items at me and she also hadn’t been working.
She posted a message in a group chat earlier today and I already felt bad.
I apologized to her but she just continued to insult me and tell me that I should ‘just shut up for once’ which really got to me. I sat in tears and took screenshots of these comments towards me but wasn’t sure how to respond to them.
A few friends of ours and many of her friends hate me but I believe a few friends are either on my side or on the fence about it. Just wanted to know if people thought I shouldn’t have said anything or if I did the right thing?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! So to clarify, she technically is a bully! She deserved to get detention. And right now, she is trying to deflect this onto you! I’m not sure what things she is saying, you didn’t give examples. But if it is anything that could be called bullying, make hard copies and give them to your parent, school counselor, or director.
This behavior is unacceptable.
Also, I assume you are in high school, as you didn’t clarify ages. You didn’t do anything wrong. Best of luck and hold your head high. You are better than her because she only gets off hurting people. You need to learn to stand up for yourself.
Sadly this is a life lesson that won’t be easy and it will hurt your feelings because it is possible that many friends will still choose her, even though she seems to be a bad human being.” Deep_Rig_1820
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But for her to insult you after you apologized, which you didn’t need to cause you didn’t cause the problem, and you did the right thing.
She’s just trying to play the victim here and manipulate you to feel bad. She’s trying to collect pity from those around her which is very teenage high school girl mentality. Don’t worry about what she says. She is not your true friend and it shows with her saying that to you as well as some of your other friends siding with her.
You don’t need that kind of negativity and person when you are just doing what you were supposed to be doing. I hope this makes sense.” MarvelGirl415
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Invite My Brother's Partner To My Wedding?
“So, I (26 f) am engaged to my fiancé Aiden (27 m), and we are planning to get married in February of 2024.
Our wedding preparations have been going really well so far other than one disruption which is because of my brother who we’ll call ‘John’.
For a little backstory, earlier this year John and I had a pretty big argument but thankfully since then things have cooled down so now we are very civil to each other. Nonetheless, I still want him to come to my wedding but just as a guest.
A few weeks ago me and fiancé started handing out invitations for our wedding and things were going well until I got a call from John.
He called me asking why his partner, who we’ll call ‘Amy’, wasn’t invited to the wedding. I knew he had a partner back in September but they were very on and off and he brought her to a family gathering once.
I also didn’t even know they were still together, as he had never mentioned her once after a family gathering. I explained all this to him and to my surprise he said that they have been living together since April. (Again I had no clue about any of this)
Another thing I should mention is that our wedding won’t be very big so I’m trying to invite those closest to me and if I’m being honest, I don’t even know this girl. The one time I met her was at the family gathering he brought her to and I spoke maybe 2-3 sentences to her the entire time.
I told him all of this again and said that I didn’t really feel comfortable inviting her and I don’t think I will. He got upset at this which led to an argument which ended up with him saying that if Amy couldn’t come then he wouldn’t either.
Since then a few family members have been split so now I’m definitely feeling guilty especially cause this is a big moment for me. I do want him to be a part of it but at the same time, I’m not going to invite a girl I barely know to my wedding.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There’s a saying: ‘Whoever pays orders the music’. You have some sort of image of a ‘perfect wedding’ in your mind. Maybe it’s you, your husband-to-be, family, and close friends. And you put away some budget for it. And you want it to be this way.
So you invite those you want to see on your biggest day. If your brother, sister, father, or mother have some other people they want to bring with them – they have the right to ask for it. But you are the decision-maker. It’s not your job to evaluate if your brother is in a ‘serious relationship’ or ‘not-so-serious, and you’ll not see this girl ever again in 6 months from now’.
Your job is to make your very own perfect wedding and ask the people you want to see to share this day with you.
As a person (m) who had been on the other side of this – with my partner invited when we only started going out, and myself NOT invited because ‘we do not know who this guy is’, I did not feel offended: I did not know them all too.
No issues here, no offense taken. My partner had a great time with her close family and friends.” fromeverywheretoLA
Another User Comments:
“You said you agree about them being a package deal, but you didn’t know they were. You know now, so that reason no longer exists.
But you also said you don’t want someone you barely know at your wedding, which is reasonable. So you have to decide if having your brother there is more important than not having someone you barely know there. I think it would be a lovely thing to include her.
She’s part of your brother’s life and if you think it’s important to have a good relationship with him, being kind to his partner is kind of essential to that. NTJ because it’s your wedding, your choice. But I think you’ll end up regretting it if you don’t invite her.” HoshiJones
1. AITJ For Yelling At My Sister For Questioning My Parenting?
“I (33 F) have two kids (11 F and 8 M) with my husband.
Our daughter is usually a good kid, which is why we were appalled when we got a phone call from her teacher about her bullying another student.
Her teacher told me that she and a few other girls she is friends with were bullying a boy in the same grade, but in a different class at recess.
A few of the boys in her class are friends with the boy, they were playing basketball at recess when he asked to speak to his friends.
He told them my daughter and her friends were bullying this boy because he was transgender. The other boys immediately went to the teacher to tell her, even though he asked them not to because he was scared of the social consequences.
When my husband and I found out about this, we were furious. It’s also personal for my husband, he’s a teacher and a baseball coach and he has a student who’s an 8th grader and is a trans boy, the boys on his team are friends with this boy and while he doesn’t play with them, he helps out with a lot of the behind the scenes stuff (like equipment, acting as a scorekeeper at games).
He knows how much both his players and the trans student admire him.
We told our daughter she was grounded until further notice, she lost all electronics, she couldn’t see her friends outside of school, etc. It’s school and home, that’s it.
We got the phone call about a week ago. Last night, we were at my sister’s (37 F) house for dinner. My daughter was there but she could only read books, no playing video games with her cousins or brother.
My sister asked what happened and I told her, and she said I was being too harsh on my daughter and that I should lift the punishment on her.
My sister’s oldest is her daughter who is 14. Her 14-year-old is a massive troublemaker, back in 7th grade, she got suspended from school multiple times for participating in the ‘devious licks’ trend, stealing a hand sanitizer from the school bathroom and when she got back, she tried to steal a mirror.
My niece also has gotten in trouble for bullying and recently attempted to shoplift but her brother/my nephew (10 M) noticed what she did, told her, and she put it back before she got in trouble.
My sister and her husband never punish their daughter, they figure ‘the school already punished her enough’ when she gets punished at school.
I told my sister I punished my daughter so she didn’t turn out like her daughter. I yelled at her for disrespecting my parenting. We got into an argument and it left my family leaving early.
Later on last night, my sister called me to work things out, she demanded I apologize, but I refused to do so because I thought she was the one in the wrong, but she kept telling me she wouldn’t speak to me until I apologized.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
1. Punishing your child for being a nasty little bigot by taking her video games away is not going to teach her to not be a nasty little bigot.
2. Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it. You went for her parenting first and bonus points you picked on a 14-year-old girl to do it.
3. She shouldn’t be undermining your parenting, especially in front of your kids… But then you were viciously mean about her eldest in front of the kids so it seems like this whole family needs a lesson in class.
You should apologize to your sister and she should apologize to you.
Then you should both figure out how to turn your children into decent people” Kitastrophe8503
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You are visiting a family member’s house, and your daughter is not allowed to participate in what her cousins are doing, and your sister says you’re being too tough on your daughter and that is somehow ‘judging your parenting’?
but then you turn around and say ‘I’m punishing her so she doesn’t end up like your daughter’ which is 100% judging HER parenting? She was also the adult and called you to try and work on things, and demanded an apology for the crappy thing you said about her firstborn and that was the line for you?
You didn’t say or do anything wrong? You don’t think you should have both apologized? This might be a ‘it was none of her business’ situation, but she wasn’t the jerk. And it is indirectly her business when your punishment occurs at her residence. What are her kids supposed to do, make your daughter read in the corner with her hand over her ears if they want to watch TV in the same room she’s in?
On a side note, your daughter ‘is usually a good kid’ but somehow is transphobic when it clearly wasn’t learned at home. Your response is grounding her from electronics and friends? Like you don’t sit down and have a discussion with her about tolerance, standing up for others?
You take away TV? You don’t try to find out why this is the case and try to fix it, you just have an anger and punishment response without trying to fix the real issue? Maybe your sister should be judging your parenting.” Background_Town_9700
Another User Comments:
“Not the jerk for your parenting style. You do need to address the issues with your daughter and get to the root of what caused it. Here is where some might get offended. I DON’T think you owe your sister an apology.
However, YOU are a jerk if YOU DO NOT reach out to your niece to apologize for how you crossed a line bringing her into an argument between you and her mother when she said nothing to you. You need to show that child that sometimes as adults we do make mistakes but can apologize when wrong.” romancereader1989
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