People Pick Our Brains Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk" Conundrums

"This year I (27 F) will be having my first Thanksgiving with my partner (39 M). He’s an excellent cook and loves to cook for Thanksgiving. He gives himself rave reviews on his homemade gravy.

In September, I asked my mom about Thanksgiving plans. In the past, my mom cooked and hosted Thanksgiving at her house.

It was always a small group of us: my mom, her husband, me, my sister, my aunt, and my uncle. Small, cozy, and comfortable. But she said she wasn’t sure if she was even cooking this year because my aunt had other plans at that time. So, I informed my mom that my partner and I were going to host our own Thanksgiving dinner and that she, her husband, and my sister were all welcome to join us. She said she would think about it and run it by my sister.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, and plans changed. My aunt, uncle, and sister are going to my mom’s house for Thanksgiving, and my mom is suddenly pulling out all the stops for her traditional Thanksgiving dinner. Clearly, they never even humored the thought of joining my partner and me at our house.

Which is fine, I can understand how that might be uncomfortable given that my relationship is fairly new (9 months). But, my mother made it abundantly clear that I am expected to at least make an appearance at her house on Thanksgiving with my 2-year-old son (my partner is not the father), and she didn’t extend an invitation to my partner, who will be left alone at the house while I’d be gone.

While I’m still unsure as to whether or not I’ll stop by her house to visit that day, I want to know if anyone thinks I’m the jerk for having my own Thanksgiving instead of joining my family, as has been the tradition over the years.

I’d like to think that holiday traditions should be fluid, and allow space for families to grow and change. My mother has made me feel extremely guilty for choosing not to join them which makes me wonder if I’m in the wrong here. I just can’t bear the thought of leaving my partner alone at home on a holiday like this. He doesn’t have any family up where we live.

So, AITJ?"

Another User Comments:

"NTJ, there's no reason to leave your house. You are hosting your own Thanksgiving.

It would be rude if you left your partner behind when he wasn't invited. Your mom makes it feel like she doesn't want to be around your partner. It also feels like she's playing games. So when your aunt and uncle weren't going to her event she wasn't sure about cooking the minute you invited your mom her husband and your sister all of a sudden aunt and uncle came and she won't go to yours but you're expected to go to her event. There's no reason to feel guilty. You made plans when she said she wasn't going to host. You keep your plans and if there's time you can FaceTime her with your child." CODE_NAME_DUCKY

Another User Comments:

"Time to step up and show with actions you will protect your family (you, your child, your partner), even from your own mother.

You are making the right decision to spend Thanksgiving with your partner and skipping your mom. Your mom deliberately changed her plans of not hosting Thanksgiving to hosting Thanksgiving on purpose. She then deliberately excluded your partner from coming by to visit with you. So very rude and manipulative of your mother. Sounds like she's trying to undermine your relationship with your partner.

Instead, text everyone (it's your responsibility to contact each person, not someone else to pass in the message on) that you're keeping your original plans you made on (insert date) to host Thanksgiving. Your mom informed you on (insert date) that she changed her mind and decided to host Thanksgiving after all.

If they would like to come as originally planned or swing by later they are welcome, but you'll be spending the day with your partner and not leaving him.

You are in a relationship, building towards the future. It's up to you to put your mom in check through actions.

Do not allow her to dictate your relationship and undermine it. Regardless, do not swing by your mom's at all - even if she does the guilt trip, etc. This is a power play. Your mom is trying to exert herself on you. You're 27 and a mother in your own right, no longer that little girl. You have every right to host holiday events at your home.

Time to start new traditions. To regard your partner as family. NTJ... but you would be if you let your mother control you and your decisions." Outrageous-forest