People Plead For Us To State Our Comments Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories

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When we make errors, we're not usually willing to take ownership of them, so it's simple to find someone to blame. The same reasoning also holds true when someone calls us jerks. Because it is hard for us to accept and admit that we have been jerks, even for a short while, we typically look for someone to blame just so we can avoid the embarrassment of being  However, it's not always effective because there are times when we're actually the ones being nasty. Here are a few stories from people who aren't sure if they're actually jerks or not. Continue reading and tell us who you believe to be the true jerk. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

16. AITJ For Canceling On A Friends' Trip?

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“I have had a group of four friends since elementary school. The five of us have stayed close friends through elementary, middle, and high school (going to the same schools) and then through university (separate universities, but we would visit often and stay very close).

We are all 26-year-old guys and have been friends for 19 years now.

One of the guys in the group, Brandon, is getting married in January. Brandon asked the other three guys to be groomsmen in his wedding, alongside his two brothers and two of his friends from college.

this left me the only homie in the group who wasn’t a groomsman. I was upset when I first realized, but I talked to my parents about it and they reminded me its Brandon’s wedding and not a ‘group event’, he can have who he likes up there, and just because I’m not a groomsman doesn’t mean Brandon’s doesn’t consider me a friend.

and that he does already have 7 people up there beside him, which is a lot.

My parents are the only ones I ever told I was upset about it, and now I think I’m pretty well over it. they’ve had a few grooms-party gatherings like they went for drinks after they got fitted for suits, and went golfing together, and Brandon and his fiancé had a bbq for their wedding party – that’s always a weird reminder for me.

My friends and I usually go on a trip in December to watch a football game. we started the new tradition in our first year in university, and have been going every year since. It’s always just been the 5 of us friends, and we go for like 3/4 days.

on Tuesday my three friends came to me and wanted to know my opinion on inviting the other groomsmen on the trip as a surprise to Brandon. the three of them were clearly all for this idea and really wanted me to say yes.

I told them I wasn’t sure, I had to think about it (which was awkward because it was obvious they thought I was just going to say yes). I spoke to them about it today and said honestly I don’t want to go on a trip being the only non-groomsman.

I know Brandon’s brothers, and I’ve met his college friends, and they’re all cool, but I don’t want to be the clear odd man out. I told my friends that they should do it, I just won’t go this year – which was fine for me because I could do with saving some money because I have a separate destination wedding to go to in February now.

The other guys won’t invite the other groomsmen if it means I won’t come. but it’s clear they’re also annoyed at them not being able to invite them because of me. one of my friends spoke to me separately and he told me he really thinks I’m not fair or a good friend, and asked if it’s because I resent not being a groomsman.

feels like any decision I make besides agreeing to go on the trip with the four other groomsmen is going to make them mad at me.

AITJ for backing out of the trip if I am going to be the only non-groomsman?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

I think your mom is wrong here. If you guys have been friends for this long as you say then it would have been nice to get an explanation as to why you were the one not chosen.

Brandon may still consider you a friend, but by virtue of having excluded you from the wedding party and not spoken to you about it, it’s clear that friendship is somehow changed.

It’s all true it’s his wedding and he gets to have who he wants, but that doesn’t mean you don’t get to feel a way about it.

So the move to turn what was a trip for the five of you into something else is much more hurtful in that context and the fact that none of them seem to realize it is weird.

Were I in your position I would tell them that you’re happy for them to go on a groomsmen trip? Truly. Have fun. If your friend continues to push you about it, I’d keep it simple and say ‘I’m not going either way at this point so you really should go and enjoy it with the groomsmen.’ And then keep a low profile to get through the wedding.

After the wedding, I would talk to the groom and find out what’s going on with your friendship and see if it can be repaired.” wittiestphrase

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

The three lads in your friend group already got to break the ice with the other groomsmen by going golf and enjoying a BBQ, etc.

I think it is inappropriate of your friends to not put themselves in your shoes and invite a bunch of other dudes on a trip that was originally and traditionally for the five of you. It would be way too awkward to go on a trip with all these guys after being excluded.

I don’t think you are in the wrong at all for feeling this way.

In any case, you are clearly mature and adult enough to respect Brandon’s wishes – so maybe your friends should take a page out of your book and not make the trip uncomfortable for you.

Perhaps next year, after the wedding, you may feel more comfortable going away with them. Either way, it’s your money, time, and energy.” fajitagoblin

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

You didn’t make drama when you learned that you were the only one not asked to be a groomsman…

you only discussed it with your parents. And you clearly said nothing as they proceeded to do all of their wedding party things.

It’s pretty clear that this situation has hurt you. Did no one ever address the issue – or the reason for the omission – with you? They just went on with everything, as though it was expected that you weren’t supposed to be a part of this event.

What is going on with that?

It’s especially bizarre that your other three friends thought you would be okay adding the other groomsmen to the traditional football friend experience.

You have been nothing but considerate throughout this situation. You made clear that they should make this year’s event a wedding-related thing if they so desired (which they clearly did), but that you weren’t comfortable participating.

None of them have any right to be negative or give you pushback regarding your desire not to attend this year’s event. They haven’t treated you particularly well about all of this (as you still don’t have an answer about your omission from the wedding party).

You aren’t being petty. And you have every right to only participate in those events where you feel you are welcomed.

Again, you didn’t create drama about not being a groomsman, although they ALL had to know that you were hurt by the omission. They should be embarrassed about putting pressure on you.” Apprehensive-hippos

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Kilzer53 1 year ago
Ntj. It's odd how none of them have even considered u or ur absence in all these get togethers. Has something happened between u and the groom that u had forgotten about or thought wasn't that important. Does his bride not like u? There has to be a reason to exclude u. U are right for not wanting to go on that trip. If they keep pushing, just tell them the truth.
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15. AITJ For Not Contributing More To Our Household Expenses?

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“I (37m) am currently living with my partner (29f). Before moving in together, she was paying $3000/m for rent and utilities while I own my own house. When we decided to move in together, we agreed that I continue to be responsible for the mortgage payments as the house is in my name and she’ll pay the utilities (about $500/m).

We also agreed to divide all living expenses equally. We decided to keep our finances separate as we were together.

She works as a nurse and while I’m not going to get into her finances, let’s just say her salary is more than enough to comfortably pay for the utilities and her portion of the living expenses.

So much so that she has healthy savings and retirement funds given her age.

I own my own blue-collar business (think landscaping, construction, janitorial, moving, etc.). While she knows I make more than her and given my business, and having some rental properties, I’ve never gone into great details about my income and assets as we’re only going out.

Obviously, I will be much more open with my finances if we get engaged and completely open with it if we get married. I’m just not comfortable with opening my books to a partner just in case things don’t work out.

Even though I make more than her, I live well below my means. My house is a smaller one in a middle-class neighborhood. I drive a 7 yo truck, I dress in normal clothes, I have normal electronics (no high-end stuff), and fly economy to vacation at normal destinations.

In fact, I buy most of my personal stuff on sale and rarely buy anything at full price. This has allowed me to build up my savings and assets.

Anyways, things hit the fan yesterday. I have a financial advisor who handles my investments, a private accountant who does my taxes, and a property management company that handles my rental properties.

I regularly get mailed documents from them and was reading over some of these documents in my home office yesterday. I left them on my desk when I went out to run some errands. I came back to an annoyed woman.

I guess at some point she went into my office for something and read the documents.

She was holding the papers and yelling at me about why I didn’t tell her how much I make. We got into an argument and it all became a blur and I don’t remember what was exactly said.

Basically, she found out I make many times her income so she thinks I’m greedy for making her pay the utilities and living expenses. I think she’s overreacting and being ridiculous for expecting to live free of charge anywhere. I pointed out that even if she wasn’t with me, she would have to pay the utilities and living expenses no matter where she lives.

Last night she slept in our bedroom and I slept on the couch in the office.

I don’t know if I’m the jerk.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but if you want to stay in a relationship have a conversation about financial agreements and expectations.

You’re not just together, you live together.

Also if she’s a nurse and you’re in the states she could easily make more than you by doing travel nursing.

Talk to her about financial goals and help her make a plan in her own right, in order to travel and qualify for tax-free stipends she’ll need to pay you the market rate for rent for tax purposes to prove she is duplicating expenses, but she can earn between 3-6K a week.

Go to couples counseling, be honest with her about your finances, and split expenses fairly after talking honestly about income and cost.

She should apologize for going through your things and you should apologize for being withholding.

You don’t have a financial problem, you have a trust and communication problem.” Working_Ad4014

Another User Comments:

“You are living together and sharing finances (no matter what you want to call it), but you know all about her finances and you’ve lied to her about yours.

Even if just by omission, you haven’t been honest with her.

Usually, on the internet, the hivemind advises that in a relationship, you pay for expenses proportionate to your income. If your income is many times hers, then you have not been paying a fair rate, proportionately, of what you make.

If you make 4 times what she does, then she should pay proportionately less.

From her perspective, she may well feel that you’ve been taking advantage of her by insisting on a 50/50 split when you make so much more than her.

This isn’t a relationship ending, but you guys need to sit down and have a completely open and honest talk about your finances before you get engaged or married. If you’re living together and sharing finances, which you are, then that conversation needs to happen now.

You also need to consult a lawyer yesterday in case there are defacto spouse laws where you are.

It doesn’t matter if things don’t work out – she’ll know that you had a heap of money and you owe her nothing (probably).

But if you keep lying to her about your finances, you’ll never get to that point. And what if the incels on here are right and she is a gold digger? Don’t you want to know that before you get engaged ?! You’ll only know how she’ll behave when she knows exactly how well off you are if you tell her exactly how well off you are.

This is nothing that can’t be fixed with an honest and open conversation. But I do think YTJ for allowing the relationship to progress to this point without being honest to her about your income.” Enlightened_Gardener

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She went from $3000 a month to $500 + utilities and has significantly increased her savings and retirement accounts by doing so.

She’s coming across as very greedy right now. Do not ignore these red flags. While you may live together in your home you’re not engaged or married so your finances are your business. Also, that’s your house and your bedroom. She has a problem then she can sleep on the couch. Inform your partner that no matter what happens she has to pay to live whether it’s with you or on her own at a much higher cost.” WinEquivalent4069

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jojow 1 year ago
NTJ she is living in your home that you pay 100 percent on. It is only fair that she pay the utilities. Your income is not the point. You two are not married. And your not her daddy. It is not your responsibility to support her 100 percent. She could not live so cheaply any place else in your high cost of living area
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14. AITJ For Not Setting Boundaries With My Mom Who Hates My wife?

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“My mom hates my wife. I know a lot of in laws have issues, but she takes it way further than that. some highlights include calling her nasty names (and my mom hates those words, so this shows she is just in blind rage), wearing something totally inappropriate (but not white) to our wedding after threatening not to go, making fun of everything about her from her cooking to her style to our relationship, and finally saying during family therapy that if she realized having a child would mean having to have my wife in her life, she never would have chose to be a mother.

I know I’ve made some mistakes as well, but I tried my best to support her and set boundaries, and eventually go to therapy. I do wish I had cut contact sooner, but my mom ended up doing that for us and her last words were she was so sorry that she couldn’t be a better mother.

She wanted to love me more than anything, but she hates my wife more than she loves me. We haven’t talked to her since.

The issue is my mom is going out with some guy who has a vacation house in the same extremely small town as my in-laws do.

We ran into her a couple of times over the summer and I could see my wife getting tense. The first time was at a small clam shack and my mom immediately walked out and asked her partner to bring her her food.

The second time was at a restaurant and I’m not sure my mom saw us. The third time was the beach and we left early as my wife wasn’t willing to wear a bathing suit in front of her. MIL confronted her and told the guy what my mom did, but my mom doesn’t care enough to stay away.

Also, this is a small town, but also has some real hot spots, so it is almost impossible not to run into each other.

When summer ended I thought the issue was over. It was my mom’s semester to take a sabbatical anyway and she would be mostly out of the country doing research.

We don’t go down often in the fall but decided to spend a weekend with my in-laws and take in some foliage. We walked into our favorite local ice cream shop and saw my mom with her partner, and my wife just looked totally devastated.

I asked if she wanted to leave, but she said no. As we walked by my mom’s partner made a comment about she was brave to eat ice cream. I turned around and told him to shut up. My mom just stroked his arm and was like honey stop.

Anyway, that night my wife came to me and asked me to set boundaries and tell my mom to stay away from us. I explained that I really can’t ban her from public spaces. She said it isn’t fair as her parents had this house first before my mom met that guy.

She asked me to call my mom and beg/demand she leaves and only come on weekends we won’t be there. I said as much as I love her I can’t. My mom has the right to be in public. My wife ended up crying which made me feel awful.”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here between you and your wife.

I think the relevant conversation with your wife is that you can’t make your mom do anything. Reestablishing contact would just be reintroducing her to aspects of your life without any likely benefit.

But also there’s no benefit to you discussing your mom’s rights.

Obviously, she has the right to go wherever. But your wife still needs you to be emotionally SUPPORTIVE of her, and not focused on what your mom has the right to do. Your response is all about your mom and not at all an acknowledgment of how your wife feels being harassed or bullied in public spaces.

You have a history of not backing your wife in a timely fashion, and that is something you need to work on.

Also, it’s probably time to stop visiting her parents’ vacation house and find a different place to vacation.” thirdtryisthecharm

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

You should have set these boundaries up in the very beginning. But I will say that it’s a MASSIVE coincidence that your mom finds herself in a place where your in-laws live. Whether it was purposeful or not, your mom knows exactly what she’s doing and that’s to mess with you and your wife.

Everything your mom has done is about control and you’re both playing into her game. Don’t contact your mom, it’s what she wants. When you visit your in-laws, you’ll have to avoid public places for a while or be vigilant and ready to go elsewhere.

Your mom will get bored and find another game to play.” Any-Refrigerator-966

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

It sounds like your wife is really traumatized by your mom’s bullying and also that the bullying hasn’t stopped. However, you are right, you can’t ban her from a town.

You can ignore them or reply like you did though and attend some more therapy sessions so that your wife can get over the words that hurt her.

ETA: the wife is not the jerk, the mother is.” lellyla

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, dude.

Your wife is clearly distraught and you’re not standing up for her. You can’t control where your mom goes, but you can control what she says to your wife. If you encounter them in public stand up for your wife in front of your mother.

If your mom makes a rude comment to her, man up and tell her to cut that nonsense off. If she can’t be respectable to the woman in your life, she doesn’t have to like her but at least respect her, then you don’t want a relationship with her anymore.

You have enabled this behavior long enough. You should have told her not even to come to the wedding. Your wife is in your life, and if your mother wants to be a part of yours, she needs to give respect to this woman to be civil.

Quite frankly shame on you for allowing this for years. You have full control here but instead, sit passively to allow your mom to hurt her.

If I was your wife, I would file a restraining order against the mother. And quite frankly you should do that, tell your mom if she can’t be respectful in public then that is the course of action you’ll have to take. But let me guess, you’ll do nothing.” dramalamalocater

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Beenthruit 1 year ago
NTJ. What a horrible witch your mother is.
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13. WIBTJ If I Tell My Stepson To Stop Calling Me Mommy?

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“My (27f) partner (27m) had a pretty complicated relationship with his ex. She was pregnant and told my partner it wasn’t his child. They understandably ended their relationship and moved on. My partner and I had known each other since childhood but grew apart in our teen years.

We met again five years ago and started going out. His ex was with the alleged father of the child, but it turned out it wasn’t his baby, after all, My partner was the father. My partner’s ex couldn’t have her son live with her.

Her partner didn’t want to have the baby there, because it wasn’t his baby. My stepson lived with her grandma from when he was a newborn till 5 months. My stepson’s mother stopped visiting him at 4 months. My partner moved him in at 5 months.

My stepson is now 4 years old and his mom had still not seen him since.

I also moved in together with my partner, when his son was almost a year to help out with childcare. My stepson was 2 years old when he first called me, mommy.

I didn’t have the heart to correct him, I was hoping my partner would. He never did, in fact, he loved when my stepson called me mommy. So we never corrected him.

Now one of his mother’s friends, also a former friend of mine.

Found out my stepson calls me mommy and told me it was very disrespectful to his mother. His mother wasn’t dead and I shouldn’t let him call me mom without her permission. I of course don’t want to overstep boundaries with his mom.

She is still his mother even if she isn’t involved. My partner, on the other hand, is happy with how things are now. He expressed he would be furious if I told my stepson to not call me mom. I don’t want to break my stepson’s and partner’s hearts.

I love our family and what we’ve built together. On the other, I absolutely don’t want to cross his mom, mostly because she’s crazy and I don’t want any issues with her. I want to tell him that I’m not his mother and he needs to stop calling me mommy, but WIBTJ?”

Another User Comments:

“YWBTJ

But not necessarily for the statement – but because you would be letting some nobody’s comments change your family.

No matter what this person says, they are not part of this family. They don’t see you sitting up with your stepson when he’s sick. Comforting him when he’s sad. Advising him when he looks to you for help. And all of the millions of other things you do to be a present loving parent.

The other woman may very well be his mother – but SO ARE YOU.

You are his mom. Don’t let anyone try to convince you otherwise. You’re doing a great job OP.” Acedia_spark

Another User Comments:

“Lots of kids have more than one mom.

Some kids have two moms who are married to one another. Some kids have a biological mom and a mom who adopted them. Some kids have a mom who gave birth to them and a mom whose dad remarried. Some kids call their older sister, their aunt, or their next-door neighbor, mom because she raised them.

YWBTJ if you made this boy feel like his ‘real’ mom doesn’t want to be involved, and the woman whose involved doesn’t see herself as his real mom.

I hope his birth mom doesn’t give you any trouble, but I don’t think you should let your fear of that convince you to hurt this kid by rejecting the role he is giving you out of love.” zebrafish-

Another User Comments:

“YWBTJ.

Absolutely.

‘I of course don’t want to overstep boundaries with his mom.’

First of all, who cares? She lied about the father, then abandoned her child when the truth came out, and hasn’t bothered to establish any kind of connection with her ex or her son.

You’ve been more of a mother to this child than she ever has. You’d be causing irreparable damage to your relationship and family if you take it upon yourself to correct the baby out of ‘respect’ for someone who treated him and his father as disposable.

While it may not be true, you’ll be showing them both that you care more about the feelings of someone who treated them both horribly than their feelings. Just a reminder: they’re the ones you love, they’re the ones who matter.” stonerd808

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Beenthruit 1 year ago
YWBTJ. Tell the witch to mind her own business. You are the only mother he has known. Let him call you mommy. I think it's really sweet
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12. AITJ For Telling My Husband Not To Call His Mom Everyday?

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“My husband and I have been married for a year, we got married in august 2021.

He comes from a very traditional background so we didn’t actually live together until after we got married, but we had spent a lot of time together obviously.

We moved into his place, which is close to his parents.

My parents are both gone so I was happy to have his parents around so our future kids can have grandparents to raise them.

The issue is that it seems like my husband calls his mom every day to come over and do things for him.

Like if I get home from work later than him his mom will already be over making dinner. If I said I would do the laundry but I decide to sleep in or it’s late in the day he will call her and complain and she’ll insist on coming over to do our laundry? I have told him it makes me feel super weird and he says that she doesn’t mind because she was raised as a woman who should take care of the house.

I told him I am taking care of the house but I have a part-time job at a daycare and sometimes I need time to do my own thing. (Originally it was full time but my husband convinced me that I don’t need to work full-time because he makes enough money to support us.)

Yesterday I spent the day cleaning and I made dinner and we had a nice time but I heard him calling his mom after and asking her to come over tomorrow to clean the kitchen (again) because I’m going to be at work and it ‘looks like a disaster zone’ because I cooked dinner! I broke down crying and told him that I am trying my best and it makes me feel awful that he always calls his mom to complain or fix things I am capable of doing myself and I don’t want him to do it anymore.

He said I am trying to isolate him from his family and he had different expectations of what marriage would be but his mom is helping us manage our new life. He is angry that I think she is a problem, I don’t think she’s the problem but I think the problem is him running to her instead of doing things himself or communicating with me.

Am I wrong?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – OP, you might need to work on your phrasing a bit here, because I think it’s pretty obvious that calling his mom isn’t the problem, it’s calling his mom to have her come to act as a maid while being a grown man.

It’s an invasion of privacy for you – an equal member of your marriage, and it’s honestly super weird that a grown adult man can’t even do dishes himself.

Seriously, that is super weird. You need to make it very clear that you have no issue with him having a relationship with his mom, but rather you have a major issue with him using her to treat you both like children incapable of cleaning up after yourselves.” Baileythenerd

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

You married one of the worse momma’s boys I have read about on here. He tells you every day that you aren’t as good as his mom. EVERYDAY. You need to have a serious talk with him and if he can’t live without his mommy then he needs to go live with her so she can take care of her baby.

Don’t have children with him right now or probably ever. Unless you want her raising your child. You can’t take care of her son so you won’t be a good mom. ” murphy2345678

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You need to sit your husband down and tell him it doesn’t matter how he was raised, adult men in the modern world are expected to pull their weight in the household.

He should be doing some of the chores. I suggest you make it clear to him that he should be doing 25% of the household work himself, as a starting point. Not his mother, him. Figure out what that 25% should be – at a minimum, his own self-care (cleaning up after himself, laundry, etc), a couple of meals cooked (and kitchen cleaned after) a week, etc.

If he can’t stick to that for six months, then you will go back to work full-time, at which point you will expect him to do 50%, and/or to split the cost of an occasional cleaner.

Do not let this man dictate your earning potential or sabotage your future just because he thinks your only purpose in life is to wash his socks, and/or feel bad about not washing his socks as well as his mother.” ViolaVetch75

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jojow 1 year ago
NTJ tell him to go to therapy. Get couples counseling. You have married what used to be called tittie baby. Now they say momma boy. It will likely end well. Get a full time job. Your going to need it.
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11. AITJ For Threatening To Call The Cops On My Mom?

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“I am a (23f) and I have a son named ‘Declan’. About two months ago, Declan went to stay at his grandparents’ house around 11 am on a Saturday. About a week prior to this, my stepdad and I had a conversation about Declan being home by 12 on Sundays since that is his dad’s (my fiance’s) only day off.

He’s a blue-collar man. The Saturday I dropped Declan off I knew they were going somewhere that day, I was told the store and maybe lunch.

On Sunday morning I messaged my mom asking what time they will be dropping Declan back off at our house, no response.

Tried reaching out to my stepdad, no response. Mind you this was around 9 am. I tried to call again two hours later, but still no response so I start to get a little worried. Finally around 12, my mom texted me back saying they were at the beach.

I’m sorry… what?

After that, I proceed to tell her how I would like to know where they are going especially since my son was only 16 months old at the time not to mention I had already discussed a drop-off time with them.

But my mother is not one to really reason with, it’s her way or the Highway. I tried to set boundaries and I got called names and was told to get lost so after that I told my mom a couple of my friends were near them and were going to get Declan for me.

She refused. She wanted to drop him off so we could ‘talk’ i.e her screaming at me in my driveway, so I declined. Then threatened to not give me my son entirely unless I talked to her. I told her if she didn’t give Declan to my friends then I would call the cops and report her for kidnapping.

She called everyone in my family and told them I threatened her because I was jealous she took my son to the beach. All I tried to do was set a boundary with my mother about my son and now our relationship is damaged.

My mother says since she’s the grandmother she should be able to spoil her grandchild without having to ask me first, I say it’s OK to spoil him as long as it’s within the boundaries I set… anyways AITJ?

EDIT: Like I said before this was about two months ago and my mom ended up blocking my number because I ‘broke her heart’.

About a month ago, she messages me on social media about how I needed to communicate with her in order for our relationship to get better. She says I’m using my son as a pawn against her. My mother and I have had an off-and-on relationship since I was 15.

I have not allowed her to see Declan since this incident.

I have always been the black sheep of the family since I’ve always called them out on their manipulation once I was old enough to understand what was happening. I cut off all communications with my dad when I was about 12 so for people to say it’s just easy to cut off my mother, you are wrong.

It takes a while to grasp the idea you won’t have any family other than your fiancés family. So please be kind to people’s situations as this is real life and it’s not so black and white. And I just want to say that if you are reading this and have been fortunate enough to escape any type of mistreatment, your strength is incredible!”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but…

You weren’t wrong to have threatened to call the cops on the person who was holding on to your child against your wishes.

But you should never have allowed the situation to be possible in the first place.

Look, you’re trying, and that’s awesome.

And I know how hard it can be to adjust to the idea that an abusive mother isn’t just how things are.

I don’t think you understand what a boundary is. A boundary isn’t something about other people. It’s about you. It’s not an attempt to limit or control other people’s behavior; it’s a statement about your own behavior.

‘You don’t get to yell at me’ isn’t a boundary. Anybody can yell at you if they want to. You don’t get to tell other people what they are and are not allowed to do.

‘I will not associate with people who yell at me’ is a boundary.

It speaks about what you will do if something happens and makes zero attempt to control what somebody else does.

So your ‘boundary’ here appears to be ‘you don’t get to take my child places without informing me.’

What it should be is ‘I will not allow my child to be supervised by people who do not respect my authority as a parent.’

This, by the way, means that you do not allow your son to stay with your grandparents, because you already know how your mother is going to act.

You think it’s normal and natural for your mother to ‘scream at you in the driveway,’ and you’re attempting to control how that happens.

What you really need to do is come to the realization that it’s not normal, and that you don’t have to accept it.

‘But she’s your mother’ means that she should be treating you with even more kindness, care, and respect than she would a stranger, not that you should accept bad behavior from her.” Cent1234

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

No, I don’t think you overreacted. He is your son and you should be able to set boundaries, something your mom cares nothing about.

If she has decided to not honor your wishes, maybe it’s time to get her attention. Let her know you will invite her to your son’s high school reunion when that happens and until then she is welcome to send him birthday or Christmas cards.

Most likely she’ll threaten legal action to gain visitation rights or outright custody of your son (it’s just so easy to see this happening). If she tries to start an argument with you, tell her you have made up your decision and then end the conversation.

Good luck!” Nambucaveman

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You didn’t overreact. You threatened to call the cops, but you didn’t. I had boundary issues with my mom when my son was a toddler (he is 21 now). It was like her being my mom made her the mom to my son and I was an obstacle.

She didn’t talk to me for a month when I told her ‘I am his mother.’ Then came back like it never happened. There were still incidences after but they didn’t ruin our entire relationship. Setting boundaries are hard. Hopefully, your mother is just mad for a bit but will come around.” Distinct_Buffalo_644

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Squidmom 1 year ago
Always get the parents permission!
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10. AITJ For Not Considering My Mom's New Husband And Stepson Family?

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“My mom got married 5 years ago. I was 11. I knew her husband for years before she married him because his son and I have been in school together since kindergarten. I don’t like his son. Never did. As far as I know, he’s not like an instigator kind of bully but he is the kind of person who finds it funny when something embarrassing happens to a kid, he’s the kind of person who will bring it up again and again, he’s also the kind of person who uses slurs.

Even now at 16, he’s not all that different from when he was 6.

My mom and her husband over the years have tried to make the four of us a family. They have spent a lot of money and time trying to create these bonding moments and memories to look back on fondly but my favorite part of all those moments was spending time with my mom, not her husband’s son.

I still wouldn’t call him family or my sibling. I wouldn’t call him a friend either.

Ever since April his friends and him have seen each other way less because his dad and some of his friends’ parents are clamping down on the friendships hoping they will end up being better people and less influenced to go with the crowd.

My mom and her husband have tried to encourage us to spend more time together. I have been asked to include him with my friends. He’s been encouraged to apologize to people and try to make other friends. He’s done none of that.

I have been pretty clear with my mom that my friends and I are not interested in including someone like him.

My friends and I have Halloween plans and my mom was looking for me to include him because he has none, and he was trying to meet up with his friends secretly.

I told my mom there was no way I would let him ruin my and my friends’ plans. She told me it would be a big thing for him to have someone like me introduce him to a different crowd, a kinder crowd.

She talked about us being family, being brothers. I told her that just because she married his dad, didn’t mean I started to care about him or like him, I told her it only made us family in the sense that we lived together, but we would never be family like she wanted.

She told me she was disappointed in me for not giving him a chance. She said if I would just try I could be really surprised. That family is important. Caring about people too. Apparently, her husband has had the same conversation with his son many times.

She didn’t with me for so long because she hoped I would soften with time and open myself up to trying at some point.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Either your mom hasn’t spent enough time trying to bond with your stepbrother herself if she thinks he possesses these hidden depths he’s never shown and doesn’t appear to have any interest in showing you, or she’s able to bring something out in him you’re not and should take advantage of that if she’s worried about him being lonely or getting mixed up with the wrong crowd.

Regardless, this one big happy family she’s pushing only works if all of you are on board, and neither you nor he is, so she needs to drop it.” mm172

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

The expectation is for you to care, like, and involve him because he’s ‘family,’ regardless of how that individual acts, and that is most definitely not the way things should work.

You’re more than allowed to feel how you do about someone, and from your description, it sounds like you’re responding proportionately to how he acts.

At the end of the day, ‘family’ is your own to define and choose (and will become more so when you get out on your own).

A lot of people don’t like that fact, because it doesn’t fit their storybook, white picket fence visage of what ‘family’ should be. Those are also the same individuals that use ‘family’ as the excuse to turn a blind eye to all kinds of crappy behavior, don’t hold people accountable for their words or actions, and do whatever it takes so they can simply portray themselves as the perfect family for the Christmas family photo.

Good on you for establishing a healthy boundary with your mom. Stand strong, as you are more than entitled to feel the way you do, and it’s no one else’s business to try and tell you how you ‘should’ be feeling.” LtDan281

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

You aren’t wrong for feeling how you’re feeling saying what you said and establishing your boundaries. Your mother is being profoundly selfish by trying to thrust the vision she wants of her marriage onto you. You did not choose for her to get married, you are not required to play-act a role to please your mother.

I would also like to say that your mother is not asking you to act like his brother in this situation. A lot of biological parents do this as well with their kids, where they want their kids to be best friends, and for one of the kids to be a caretaker for the other.

Her wanting you to spend all your time with him, and ‘share’ your friends with him is not only disrespecting the sentience of your friends as if they shouldn’t have the right to be able to say they don’t want to hang out with your stepbrother, but he’s trying to place you directly in the role of a caretaker.

If you’re supposed to spend all of your free time with him because your mother is saying that you are required to take care of him, she is making you part of his parenting team which is not your responsibility at all.

Don’t listen to your mother’s manipulations and maintain your boundaries. You are not wrong for having these boundaries and your mother is just sending you the message that she’s been sending you for years now that to her your boundaries don’t matter and you should just be going along with what she wants. You are not required to take care of this guy how about you’re not required to like this guy and you don’t need to play a role and your mother shouldn’t be asking it of you.” JCBashBash

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Squidmom 1 year ago
NTJ at all. What they are doing is gross.
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9. AITJ For Leaving My Wasted Friend At A Party?

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“Last weekend I (21m) and my best woman friend (21f) Tina, went to a party. I and Tina have been friends since our freshman year, and we’ve become best friends.

At the party, Tina got pretty hammered, not completely trashed, but she was pretty intoxicated.

We were sitting down and talking to a couple of our mutual friends and somehow we got on to the topic of seeing people. One of our friends asks us why I and Tina never got together since we’re such good friends.

Without missing a beat, Tina says and I quote: ‘Ugh! Ewww, God no’. That took me and everyone a little by surprise. It wasn’t even a ‘no he’s like my brother’ kind of way. This was of pure disgust like I was repulsive.

I said ‘well screw you too’ kind of in a joking way, but actually serious. I think she realized what she said and tried to walk it back ‘he’s just like my Friend. I don’t even want to think about it’.

No one really bought it, but I guess we all laughed it off.

I was pretty insulted, so I just decided to leave. The only problem was that I drove us to the party and I was Tina’s ride back. An hour later Tina calls me and says thanks for leaving her.

I say thanks for calling me ugly. She said that I was a jerk for leaving her at the party and having to find another way home. She told me to get over myself, and that was just kidding. I just hung up.

Not gonna lie, I’ve been hitting the gym hard since then, and Tina hasn’t really talked to me since and I don’t really want to anyway. I don’t have feelings for Tina, but her words were like a slap in the face.

Especially since I don’t have much success in the mingling department. I’ve been thinking that maybe I just got in my feelings too much and maybe I overreacted.

So did I overreact? Am I the jerk for leaving Tina at the party?

Edit: I don’t want to date Tina, and I’m not some nice guy dude who only hangs out around women to date them.

I was upset with what she said and how she said it.

Edit 2: I reached out to Tina this morning so we can talk and clear the air. She said that we can talk after classes finish this afternoon. I’ll let you know how that goes.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ – not for leaving Tina at the party because she wasn’t alone and Lyft and Uber exist.

But YTJ for being so immature and getting this upset. Clearly, you don’t respect Tina as a FRIEND (I have plenty of friends of both genders that if someone asked me if I wanted to date them I would respond the same) but no one who is truly a FRIEND would be offended by that, assume it meant they were ugly, and start ‘hitting the gym’… build some self-esteem.

The proper way to handle it would be to talk to Tina about it later, sober, and say hey I know it wasn’t a serious question and your response wasn’t meant to be mean, but it hurt my feelings. Why did you respond so harshly? Was that because were such close friends, or is there something unlikeable about me? Perhaps that could give you some insight and would help explain why you aren’t having much success in the mingling department.

It could also be that you’re into Tina and girls see that so they don’t form an interest because you clearly have feelings for someone else.” Proper-Salamander790

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

Her—we are responsible for our words and actions. She was uncharacteristically harsh, likely intensified by the effects of drinking.

Being intoxicated does not excuse it, but it is a factor to be considered. She was unkind and a jerk. She treated her best friend poorly and caused significant hurt.

OP—your feelings were hurt. That sucks. However, leaving a wasted friend at a party with no ride and no communication about it is a jerk move.

Ask if they can get home another way or say that you want to leave and if she wants to ride with you, to get her things. What were her obligations the next day? Leaving your best friend in a vulnerable state with no way home is pure jerkery.

The time to address the comment and everyone’s feelings would have been later, when everyone was sober, discuss what happened and let her know how you felt.

Otherwise, you’re edging that line between ‘my friend was a jerk’ and ‘I’m not happy to be in the friend zone after investing many years in a woman.'” youresuspect

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Regardless of whether or not she finds you attractive, she should still show you the common decency of not rudely insulting you. Unless she’s paying you, the ride was a favor based on friendship. If she’s going to blatantly insult you like that she doesn’t understand the concept of friendship or she’s just a jerk, either way, she shouldn’t have expected a ride after she said that.

You’re not her chaperone. She’s a grown woman responsible for her own well-being. OP literally said they were talking to a group of mutual friends so her safety isn’t a concern because she’s not alone at the party, she just doesn’t wanna pay for an Uber or ask someone else for a favor.” phantom_regret

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

Tina was being an insensitive jerk responding to that question like that, with you standing right there. Saying ‘ew’ about a person in any capacity is almost always pretty mean. (That said, we weren’t there to hear the tone, see the body language, etc.

It’s possible you were also viewing her response through your lens of low self-esteem, and what she actually said wasn’t that big of a deal to others. Hard to tell.)

But it’s supremely childish and maybe even dangerous behavior to just leave her alone at a party while wasted because your feelings are hurt.

This is a situation where you drive her home, fuming, let her know she hurt your feelings and bring it up later when you’re both sober.

Also, your ‘screw you too’ reads as really insecure and uncomfortable. Just laugh stuff off, or say ‘hey, rude! I’m pretty cute!’ or something silly. Not every woman in your vicinity has to be attracted to you or else ‘screw you.’ You might want to check that knee-jerk reaction.” WhyAreYouUpsideDown

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deka1 1 year ago
NTJ. I would've done the same thing.
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8. AITJ For Hiding My Phone At My Friend's House?

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“I (14m) bought a phone 3 weeks ago, after doing garden work, buying groceries for neighbors, etc. This entire process took 6 months. I wouldn’t say I’m spoiled because I pay for most of my stuff. But anyway, I could finally buy a phone.

So a friend and I rode our bikes to a local shop where I bought the phone. After a few minutes of counting the money, we were good to go.

So We rode back to my friend’s house to set up the phone.

My dad was proud of me for working by myself to buy a new phone (he taught me the value of money at a young age) but my mom was disappointed that I purchased a phone instead of new books for my school.

After a week of having the phone, I almost accidentally set fire to my kitchen. (My phone was in my room but it had nothing to do with the situation, but I just accepted the punishment.) My mom asked for my phone, so obviously, I gave it to her.

She lent it back to me a few days later.

Ever since then, she has been taking my phone over small mistakes. Tripped because of an untied shoelace? It’s the phone’s fault. (I was tying my shoelaces but my phone was next to me) Missed one chord while playing piano? It’s the phone’s fault.

(I was using the phone before I started playing) Getting 1 wrong answer on the math test? Guess what, it’s the phone’s fault. (I got the phone the same week I took the test.) I was confused about it so I asked her ‘Why are you taking my phone from me if you did not pay for it?’ She took my phone again.

I took the phone back.

So ever since then, I walk to my friend’s house to keep my phone in a safe. 3 keys, locked with all his other valuable belongings.

So I ask again, am I in the right or in the wrong?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Your mother does not seem to hold respect for you.

She is doing what a middle manager would do if you dared question them: bullying you to make you never even dare to disobey any order she could give you in the future.

Yours is not a long-term solution since she can pressure you in different ways than taking away your phone.

If your father is on your side ask him to mediate because this is the only thing that could help.” KillBatman1921

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s really strange your mom is taking your phone as punishment when that is something you earned with your own money.

Especially over small things. I can understand after the kitchen incident, why she might want to hold it if you are in there cooking so you aren’t distracted. But the other times seem like she is punishing you for really small transgressions, and it shouldn’t be your phone she takes, but a privilege your parents gave you.

Is your phone a better model than hers? Is there evidence she’s been using it during these times she has confiscated it? I can’t tell if she just wants your phone for herself and is jealous, or if she’s doing this as a really bizarre power play.

I don’t think there’s an issue with you leaving it at your friend’s place (although the number of locks might seem excessive). If it’s not on you, there are literally zero reasons for your mom to be trying to confiscate it.

For real tho, confiscating your phone just for asking why she keeps confiscating your phone is NEXT LEVEL.

Hope you can get to a place where you can enjoy the phone you’ve earned for yourself soon OP. If you trust it at your friend’s place, for now, there’s nothing wrong with leaving it there, and your mom has no right to demand it for no good reason.” CloverLeafe

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

I don’t know what your relationship with your mother is like, so I don’t know if this would be viable advice, but I would ask your Mom for a sit down to talk it out. Ask her why she feels like your phone, which you purchased yourself, is such a point of contention with her.

Ask her if she feels you can come to an agreement about restrictions or ‘punishments’ when you make mistakes outside of the phone. I don’t really think it’s about how you could have purchased textbooks instead, but If it is, I encourage you to use your phone to look up sites that provide free or low-cost digital textbooks you can access through your phone as a way to show the value in you having the phone.

It sounds like a control and/or a communication issue with your Mom. Best of luck!” Lalalabambi

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rbleah 1 year ago
Ask her if she has always been a bully or is it just to you? Talk to your father to get him involved. This is so stupid, the way she is treating you. UNLESS there is more to the story?????
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7. AITJ For Offering To Pay To Send My Niece To Boarding School?

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“I have a daughter, Luisa (10), and my brother Charlie has a daughter, Sophie (11) (same school year). The girls have always been close, even though we moved abroad 3 years ago, so we have had Sophie come and stay with us during school holidays very often, and the girls keep in touch over social media.

Some context to this is that my brother and I come from a middle-class family, both of us attended private schools, regular abroad holidays as children, had ‘expensive’ hobbies, etc. Charlie’s wife Rebecca does not come from a similar background and this has caused some awkward moments in the past, nothing malicious, just faux pas.

Charlie also chose a career path which has meant that he has not been able to maintain the standard of living we grew up with, or provide that for Sophie. This has been a point of contention between him and his parents.

Next September, Luisa will be going to boarding school (before I get bashed in the comments, this was entirely her idea, not something we wanted for her, but it is where most of her friends from her junior school will be going, and they do not allow day pupils.

The school is 1 hour from where we live and Luisa will be able to come home on weekends). I gather that Luisa and Sophie spoke about the idea of going to school together and got very excited. I told Luisa this was something that Charlie and Rebecca would have to decide, and then spoke to Charlie about it.

I said that if it was something he wanted for Sophie, I and my husband could pay for Sophie to go and be her point of contact during term time. Charlie was almost in tears thanking me and said this is something he and Rebecca could only dream of for Sophie.

Over the next couple of days, I spoke to our parents about this, as when I called I found out that he had already mentioned it, and they were overjoyed.

Yesterday, I got a series of vitriolic messages from Rebecca, accusing me of trying to ‘steal’ and ‘adopt her daughter’.

She accused me and our whole family of using money to manipulate her daughter into hating her. She called me every name under the sun and said that I was trying to push her out of being a mother to Sophie.

None of this made any sense to me, I love Sophie dearly but I’ve never tried to be her mother, and this idea was Sophie and Luisa’s. I was very hurt by the things she implied about me and my family and didn’t even reply to her, but I did forward the messages to Charlie.

I didn’t think I had any part to play in Rebecca’s outburst, but I spoke to my husband about this and he said he sees how Rebecca could be upset because when Sophie is around it’s obvious how much she looks up to me, and wishes she had what Luisa does.

He also said that while he loves that my family wants the best for all of us, he could see how it could feel a bit oppressive if you couldn’t meet the standard. My husband NEVER says things like this, so since that conversation, I’ve been wondering, AITJ?

EDIT: Because the school is in the country I live in, and not where Charlie and Rebecca live, I offered to be the emergency contact in case Sophie was ill or needed picking up from school immediately, etc.

Also, in case she wanted to come home with Luisa at weekends and not be at school, since she won’t be able to fly home every weekend. I said it to ease their minds that at least she would have someone in the vicinity at short notice, not that I would be responsible for her academic progress or anything like that.

EDIT 2: Regarding’ Middle class’, I really didn’t think was going to be as big as it is, but in the UK (or at least, where I’m from in the UK), everyone calls themselves ‘middle class’ unless you belong to the upper social echelons which you can only enter by birth or by marriage (or unless you are working class but that’s not part of this distinction).

If you’re not ‘nobility’, you’re middle class. Some people say ‘upper middle class’ which perhaps I should have but it seemed like a pointless distinction. I’m not trying to downplay that we had a privileged upbringing, it’s just in my experience ‘upper class’ is not purely about money.”

Another User Comments:

“OP – you are NTJ.

You weren’t to know the reaction from your brother’s wife. It was perfectly reasonable to make the offer to your sibling and then allow him and his spouse to make a decision.

Her reaction is unhinged, all she had to say was ‘No thank you’ if she was uncomfortable with the idea.

You made a generous offer for the benefit of your niece and should not in any way feel bad about that.

If the girl’s mother cannot see the advantages that private education could bring her daughter then she is short-sighted and selfish.

You’re under no obligation but make I would let your brother know the offer remains on the table if she gets her head out of her butt.” why-everything-meh

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

It was an offer only made through Charlie but for the consideration of both parents, he should have the responsibility to discuss it with his wife, then with child after.

They can always decline the offer.

Talk to her in person as well to let her know you just mean well for Sophie and you’re all there as a family to help each other like you’re sure they’d do the same for Luisa if shoes were the other way on and that, of course, her decision as a parent will always matter most.

Be understanding, loving, and reassuring because, at the end of the day, it is for a niece you love.

More than the school issue, it would be nice of you to have chats or lunches with your SIL, anything to involve her more in your life or family dynamics, to help her know her insecurities are unfounded as she obviously feels off and unincluded in certain ways… that’s if you actually like her as a person.” peregrine_throw

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Beenthruit 1 year ago
NTJ. Rebecca is jealous
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6. AITJ For Not Inviting My Father To My Wedding Even If He Pays For It?

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“I’m 33F, my husband is 35M, father 60sM. The wedding next year is essentially just for photos and memories, we have been legally married for several months but our families don’t know that.

My parents had a very chaotic divorce when I was in high school.

Basically started out as my mom going back to college and getting in shape, and it triggered my dad into a midlife crisis. On moms graduation day he showed up with another woman, who was only 20. They had been having arguments but she didn’t think he was cruel enough to have an affair.

My mom left him the next day and he did a lot of things that led to us (me, mom, and my 7 other siblings) all going no contact.

I’m the oldest and was the last to do it. But while I was in college I met him for dinner a few weeks before his wedding and he announced he was having a baby with the woman he brought to mom’s graduation years before.

The woman was also not the person he was marrying in a few weeks. He said he wanted to name the baby ‘Emily Jane’. (not the real name). These were the names of the twins that were born before me, and that passed away in a car accident that also caused the death of my maternal grandparents.

For me, that was the last straw. I haven’t seen him since and it’s been almost 10 years. I’ve spoken to him via email during emergencies but that’s it. When he found out I was getting married a few months ago he gave my mom around $30k for my wedding gift.

I sent out the invitations this week and he reached out to my mom about why he hadn’t gotten one. Mom says she told him that he shouldn’t be surprised, we haven’t seen each other in 10 years. He asked her to ‘reason’ with me.

She relayed the message and told me it was my choice.

I plan on having my mom walk me down the aisle. I didn’t plan to spend much on the wedding, as we’re in the market for a house, and the money was pretty useful in planning.

We’re only using 1/2 for the wedding and saving the rest.

Part of me feels like this is a well deserves payment for me and my mom and keeping the family together while getting rid of him those years ago. He refused to send $, keep up mortgage payments, etc and we ended up losing our family home.

I just paid off the 20k in debt I had accumulated from playing 2nd parent while my mom was career busy after the divorce.

AITJ for not inviting him? I’m usually not one to hold grudges but being in the same room as that ‘man’ disgusts me.

I have no love or empathy for him. I feel guilty about it, but it’s true. Because of him I hate unfaithful people – I’ve cut off friends for being unfaithful in their own relationships. I know it’s judgemental but it speaks volumes to the character for me.

Edit: My siblings are all on my side. But my dad’s entire side of the family is talking about canceling RSVPs or not going because by ignoring him I’m ignoring all of them apparently.

I did offer to give it back after he reached mom about his invitation.

She said he said he doesn’t want it back and just wants to see his kids. He ain’t seeing me. So. I’m considering sending him photos/videos but he can’t write his wrongs. He did too much for any of us to ever forgive him.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

This man is bound and determined to wreck everything. He showed up to your mom’s graduation with a ‘surprise, and screw you!’ because he couldn’t handle the attention placed on her success. When his kids started cutting contact, he tried to force the deceased ones onto his side naming his new child after them.

There’s a possibility that he wants to make amends and share in your happy day. There’s also the possibility this is all a ruse for some sort of spectacle he’s planning to make. It’s too big of a risk to take on what should be one of the happiest days of your life.” JeepersCreepers74

Another User Comments:

“Totally NTJ.

It sounds like you’re saying that post-divorce he decided to quit supporting the kids he helped to create, then went and had another kid with the mistress who he didn’t marry and likely also didn’t support, and when you stepped up to do his job-or at least a job you weren’t prepared or required to do due to his absence – it left you 20k in debt.

Now he’s trying to buy you back. Yea screw that guy.

Regardless, you didn’t ask him for money. People can’t buy their way back into people’s lives. Not how it works. Someone can’t write you a check and then think that that entitles them to dictate the decisions and choices you make.

If your favorite band is playing a sold-out show & you decide to send them a check for thousands of dollars, then show up to the show & demand to be let in on the premise that you gave them money, you’re gonna get turned away and likely laughed at.

Some things in this world don’t come with a price tag… however, concert tickets do come with a price tag, but your choice of who gets to be in your life and attend your special day does not.” Screamcheese99

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

You didn’t ask for the money, you even offered it back. He bailed on you guys, you went into debt fixing his mistakes, and now, at the absolute last moment, he tries to write a cheque to ‘make up’. Where was that money when you were struggling to get by?

Your wedding is about your future, your family.

That man is your past, and I’m guessing the things that drove everyone else away from him were pretty bad right? I imagine that’s why you don’t want to share them here.

You don’t owe him anything, but you should defo rethink inviting those other family member who think you shouldn’t ‘ignore him.’ The wedding day is not the day for making amends. Selfish ‘till the end.” userabe

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deka1 1 year ago
YTJ. Not for not wanting him in your life but for hating him but taking his money anyway. If you're taking his money he needs to at least be invited to something he's paying for. If you don't want that then give the money back. The way you've treated him, I'm surprised he even sent you anything.
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5. AITJ For Making Up House Rules For My Future In-Laws?

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“So I (36m) own a decent size home in a popular tourist destination state and city. I bought this house years ago when I moved here for work. Over the years, my immediate family visits me often and other family and friends less often to enjoy the city and state.

They almost always stay with me and are good guests. They pick up and clean up after themselves, don’t have guests over, rent their own cars and don’t borrow mine, and clean up before leaving. I look forward to all of their visits.

About a year ago I got engaged to my fiancé (32f) after which she moved into my house and it became our house. Like me, she was born and raised in another state and then moved to this state for work.

Once her family saw our house on social media, they got excited and started to make plans to visit.

I’m not so excited about their visits.

We visit her family often and I was not impressed with the state of their homes. Almost always they had dirty clothes on the floors in the hallways/living room/on couches/etc., dust everywhere, dirty dishes from days piled up in the sink and/or dishwasher, and full trash bags from the bathroom/bedroom piled up outside of the bathroom/bedroom door.

Seriously, they pile these tiny full bags of trash in the house instead of taking them outside. There are almost empty soda cans and cups with dried substances everywhere. Everyone in her family seems to be like this even though they don’t live in the same house.

All of their houses and apartments have a faint moldy smell.

Last week my fiancé texted me while I was at work to ask if it’s okay for her brother and his family (wife and 3 kids) to come to visit in December while the kids are on their break (1 week).

They want to get out of the cold. I took a few hours to think about it because I immediately wanted to say no. However, since it’s now our house, I knew I couldn’t. When I answered, I said yes but there are rules they need to follow:

No clothes on the floors.

No trash on the floors.

They wash cups/dishes/utensils after each use.

She didn’t answer me for a while but when she did, things blew up. She said I never have rules for my family and friends when they visit so why am I forcing rules on hers? I answered that my family and friends don’t need to be told not to throw dirty clothes on the floor.

Things went downhill from there.

When I told my co-workers, they laughed at me and said I should have sucked it up and just cleaned after the future in-laws left. They said the key to a happy relationship is to keep the wife (in my case fiancé) happy.

However, I don’t think my rules are too much and perfectly reasonable for guests who will be staying for a week but obviously, my fiancé and co-workers disagree.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. You’re fiancee’s family has shown that they are not inherently clean people in their own homes but you also don’t know how they act in a guest situation.

I think there were probably nicer ways to lay this out to her honestly such as ‘I’m okay with them staying but I’m a little worried about a mess afterward, would it be okay to ask them to clean up after themselves while they’re here?’ Or maybe something more like ‘they are fine to stay but could you just iterate to them that I prefer to keep the house pretty tidy and would appreciate them cleaning up any messes made while they’re here?’ These are basic guest rules in most places and if they’re upset about them then they don’t need to be staying with other people.” pastapearldesaucer

Another User Comments:

“(Soft) YTJ – OP, I get where you’re coming from, but in this case, you went into their homes and judged them on how they kept their space.

That is not 100% indicative of how they will exist as guests.

You’re probably right, and they’ll probably leave a mess, but YTJ because you’re not giving them a chance to show that they’re respectful of other people’s spaces.

Now, when they get there as it is your house, you’re 100% within your rights to ask them to keep the space as clean/tidy as you and your fiancé keep it- but frontloading this as early as you’re trying to make it seem like you’re judging them heavily based on your visits and that’s just going to peeve off your fiance and her family.

You’re not wrong in wanting them to keep the space clean, but you need to get your timing right.” Baileythenerd

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, you have a right to keep your house your way. Just say they are new rules for everybody. You did not realize the need for rules until then, but now they apply equally as you need rules for your sanity.

It’s your house, you get a little control, and those were not big asks… like please don’t be a slob. If she can’t tell them that, tell the, not to come yourself as your spouse is unwilling to respect you.” Max-Powers1984

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, only because yes, they are messy in their own house but there’s so far zero evidence that they planned to be gross in your house.

Lots of people are more relaxed at home and still manage to respect other people’s spaces. You could have addressed it as it came up instead of immediately turning the crank to 11 and making preemptive rules. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to host bad guests, but ‘I don’t like how they maintain their OWN house’ is not an example of someone being a bad guest.” AppleThrower5000

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Squidmom 1 year ago
NTJ. Say the rules are for everyone. Your family won't care because they already do all of this. Guarantee these people come and expect you to cater to them because they are guests
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4. AITJ For Not Accepting My Mom's Apology?

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“My wife and I have two children, a boy who is 4 and a girl who is 2. Growing up I was very close to my mom, but my wife and she have always had some issues, nothing major but they both feel awkward around each other so that somewhat limited contact.

Then when our kids came, my mom just wasn’t interested. This led to us spending a lot more time with my in-laws which I think makes my mom jealous but she would rather die than admit that.

To be honest, I’m not hugely fond of my in-laws, but they are loving involved grandparents.

It is actually pretty hard on me, but I have to do what is best for my kids. One thing I know my mom finds unfair is that we spend all holidays with my in-laws, but holidays at her house are just not child friendly.

I’ve even told her that I’m just doing it for the kids and I miss her.

Anyway, we got together recently and had dinner at my mom’s house. She made some chicken stir fry. My kids aren’t too picky, but this had sriracha.

I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt because she would have eaten it as a kid and so would I, but my kids have more normal taste buds. My wife got a little annoyed and asked if she had made anything else for the kids.

My mom also got an attitude and said that she isn’t responsible for feeding our kids and that if they are picky we could have brought something. At this point, my wife wanted to go and my kids were hungry.

My mom said we could look through her kitchen and try and find something, but it wasn’t her job.

Her husband then got annoyed about don’t touch certain stuff because it is his. Now I could see my wife getting frustrated and didn’t want a fight to break out. I said we had to go, and that I’m really sorry but the kids need to eat.

I even asked if I could take some with me as her cooking is the bomb. I said we could try to get together next week.

My mom snapped back ‘I don’t know why we keep trying. Like I miss you too, but you have kids and that just ruins it.’ I literally saw red and I felt my wife tense up next to me.

I asked her to take them to the car and she did, and I demanded to know what that meant. My mom said she just feels like our relationship is totally fake nowadays and the kids make everything complicated and she wishes she could just see me occasionally.

I told her I was leaving and not in a state to talk about it. She did call and apologize for her ‘wording’ but I told her I am too mad to forgive her and apologies were not accepted. Now everyone is taking her side and calling me a jerk, and saying this is why the relationship is so awkward and fake because I can’t even handle a genuine conversation.

I just feel so hurt and angry that someone could even think that about my kids.

Edit to clear some stuff up. This is not one of those emotional incest situations. My mother has never liked children (except me) and really doesn’t want that much time.

she has always had a lot going on and is cool with catching up once a month. the issue with that is she only wants to do it one on one, but there is no enmeshment. she’s always encouraged me to have a lot of independence.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

‘My mom said we could look through her kitchen and try and find something, but it wasn’t her job.’

Was your mother always a terrible hostess, or is this treatment special for your wife and kids?

Sounds like she never expected to have to ‘share’ you and is acting like a spoiled brat.

It’s unfortunate because your kids already know that Grandma Parsnip doesn’t like them, and will only grow more distant as time goes on. As your mother gets older and you have less time to spend with her one-on-one, that resentment is just going to grow, making the times you do spend together tense and unpleasant, causing a feedback loop that isolates her further from your family.

Because she isn’t willing to work with you at all, it’s up to you to decide what kind of relationship you are going to have and you should make sure she understands that this is what you are doing. That you will give her one day a month (or whatever) to spend time with you, but that’s it.

You aren’t sacrificing your family because her heart’s too small to fit anyone else, and you love your family too much to do that to them. I’m sorry you’re in this position. It sucks.” ScammerC

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here except for your wife and kids.

Your mom is a mild jerk for not being a good host and is definitely a jerk for the way she worded her sentiment.

But the truth is you’re also a jerk. You know your mom’s approach to food for children and didn’t communicate with her about making sure the food was child friendly or bring snacks for your kids in case they couldn’t eat what your mom made.

Also, you say that you miss your mom but it doesn’t sound like you put in the effort to have a good relationship with her. You know your mom doesn’t like kids but it doesn’t sound like you ever visit her without your wife and kids.

You know holidays are her house aren’t kid-friendly, but have you ever tried hosting at your place and inviting her?

I don’t think your mom is frustrated with or hates your kids or anything like that. She misses you and is frustrated that from her perspective you keep using your kids as a way to avoid/get out of spending any time with her.

And while it doesn’t seem like that’s your intention, that’s kind of what you’re doing.

Edit: It seems like your wife is also a jerk if she isn’t okay with you spending a few hours a month one on one with your mom.

Having lunch or dinner with your mom once a month just you and her seem to be a good solution/compromise for the situation and is totally normal. If your wife is against you going out as a general thing and not specifically when it comes to your mom, it’s still not good but she wouldn’t be a jerk with regards to this specific situation.” HamletReader

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and you need to think long and hard about how to move forward.

It sounds like you want to have a relationship with your mother separate from your wife and kids. On the surface and at this point in your kids’ lives it may be feasible but what are you going to tell them in a few years when your now 4-year-old starts learning about families? How are you going to explain that grandma OP thinks that they’re a mistake and she regrets they were born?

Obviously, you aren’t going to put it like that but kids aren’t stupid and sooner or later they’ll realize something is off.

Your mother wants to pretend the most important relationships in your life don’t exist because she’s uncomfortable or self-centered or just a hard-hearted witch. You keep making excuses for her and I don’t understand why.” jeparis0125

Another User Comments:

“I’m torn between ‘everyone sucks here’ and ‘no jerks here’ on this one.

Did your mother know that your kids can’t handle Sriracha? If your kids can’t handle any spice or are picky eaters then it’s up to you to either be very clear beforehand about that with the person doing the cooking and/or to have snacks at the ready to feed your kids.

The reaction your mom and her husband had wasn’t very good but your wife demanding to know what else your mom made for the kids seems pretty rude as well. The parents that demand the world bend to their kids’ insistence on chicken nuggets and mac and cheese can be pretty annoying.

So it sounds like everyone was kind of crappy here.

The reason I’m not quite ready to pronounce everyone a jerk here is that it seems like everyone has issues that are understandable but all of you need to find a way to communicate and work on these issues without being accusatory and without turning things nuclear.

And your wife needs to be involved and helpful. Your mom needs to understand a relationship with you is going to involve your kids. You will need to understand your Mom isn’t great with kids and may struggle at times – don’t just retreat to your in-laws because it is easier. You’ll both need to work on this, not fight.” JonCoqtosten

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jojow 1 year ago
NTJ who prepares hot, spicy food knowing they are feeding toddlers?
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3. AITJ For Asking My Wife Not To Come To My Son's Wedding?

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“My adult son invited myself, my wife, and our teenage son to his wedding. I assumed my wife would politely decline, but she surprised me by saying she would like to attend. I asked why she wanted to go since she hates my son’s fiance (‘Will’).

She said it sounded fun.

My reservations boil down to three main things. First of all, my wife and ‘Will’ hold each other in mutual contempt. I don’t understand why she thinks she will have a good time at his wedding, surrounded by his family who she also doesn’t care for.

My wife and son get along, but they are not especially close, so I do not think supporting him is her main motivation.

Second, my wife can’t fly, so instead of a three-hour flight, we’d be on a sixteen-hour car ride. I love my family, but being stuck in a car for sixteen hours with a moody teenager is something I really hate.

Flights are dirt cheap right now, and a round trip for me and my son would probably be around $100, whereas the drive would necessitate taking extra days off work (lost income) and spending money on gas and expensive gross interstate food.

Most embarrassingly, I think I will enjoy the wedding more if my wife isn’t there so I can hang out with my son and new son-in-law without it being awkward. It took a long time for me to build a relationship with Will, who I initially shared a strong mutual dislike with.

I worked hard to build something between us for the sake of my relationship with my son, and I’m worried my wife will say something that will force me to choose between defending her and upsetting Will (and my son) or not defending her and upsetting her.

Obviously, I didn’t bring up this third reason.

When I suggested maybe she wouldn’t enjoy the wedding and it would be easier if just me and our son (or just me) went, she was quite angry. She pointed out that I used to hate Will and called me a hypocrite for prioritizing his feelings over her.

I’m not trying to do that. I want everyone to be happy.

Was I the jerk for suggesting she stay home and maybe do a spa weekend or something instead?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ for lying to your wife. You’re pretending that you want her to stay home because she won’t enjoy herself, but that’s not your real reason.

Your real reason is that her staying home is much more convenient for you & you think you’ll have more fun without her. Tell your wife the truth, including your concerns about her possible behavior. Face up to the actual problems & decide together who should go to the wedding & who, if anyone, should stay home.” YMMV-But

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

You plan on talking to your son, which is great.

If you decide she goes, she needs to be on an incredibly short leash. Let her know: No snarky comments, no passive-aggressive crap, and no inserting herself to make your son and/or his new husband uncomfortable.

The moment she is anything but gracious and supportive she goes back to the hotel alone and you and your son will stay and close down the joint without her. You will explain she got a headache and but didn’t want to ruin this beautiful event for you and your sons.

She just sounds incredibly jealous, to be honest. I don’t begrudge people getting by on looks and charm unless they are impacting other people because of incompetence.” Corpuscular_Ocelot

Another User Comments:

“Yeah, you are the jerk, because you are treating your wife like she is sloppy seconds to you and your family vs.

a wife.

What matters is that you are a couple, a married couple, and married couples both get invites and attend events together. And I don’t care about whose party it is, how they get along, etc. Truthfully, if only people who got along with both the bride and groom were invited to weddings, there’d be about 1/2 of the attendees going.

I’m sure your wife, like most stepmoms, put in a lot of work and effort too into helping you raise your child or children. And this is how she is thanked? I applaud that her stepkid in this instance did invite her to the wedding, as he should.

She is, after all, your wife. Husbands and wives are invited and go to events all the time. The only time there appears to be some sort of asinine exception, is when it is a stepmom.

It is an insult that people somehow think it is OK to not invite the wife (or husband) of a husband to an event, while every other husband and wife are being invited.

And, here, the very person who should have her back, YOU!, are acting like and showing everyone in the family how easy it is to throw your wife (dad’s wife) under the bus.

Truthfully, you should be ashamed of yourself, and I’d go so far as to say if the stepmom wants to divorce you over this, she should go for it.

No one wants to be married to a man who cannot support his wife. And weddings, of course, are husband and wife events or husband and husband events, etc.

You really let her down, and you should be spending the rest of the year, if not your lifetime, apologizing to her.

You royally wimped out on her. Big time.

And, it has nothing to do with choosing kids over the stepmom or anything like that. It has to do with honoring the roles. Truthfully, if the roles are properly honored, as in treating kids like kids and wives like wives and exes like exes, etc., there should be no competition going on.

But, thanks to you, you’ve now shown your children that it is OK to not acknowledge the stepmom’s role as your spouse, and perhaps this has been going on for some time.

Thus, that may be the reason why your wife and your son’s partner-to-be do not get along, because you’ve shown your son and your son’s partner that it is OK to thrash stepmom, so every time she is around one or both of them, she feels she has to defend herself because You sure ain’t going to come to her aid.” PastCar7

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Botz 8 months ago
Tell her, we're flying, if she wants to go.
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2. AITJ For Kicking A Friend Out Of The Car?

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“So I (17m) have known ‘N’ (17f) since we were kids being that we live down the road from each other. Same primary and middle-high school due to our location. We have always walked together to school on the same route and have caught the bus together for the last three years.

I have recently got my driver’s license and our school is quite strict about our driving behavior while on school grounds. To earn the privilege of parking on the school ground, we have to provide our rego and a signed letter from a parent/guardian taking on any and all responsibilities should we screw up.

Since getting my license and getting permission to drive to school, it was natural for me to drive N as well, which is kind of second nature by now.

To give a rough idea of the place, we have one entry point which splits into two, one to enter the parent/pick up the car park.

The other lane loops around the car park and turns into a T junction with one end exiting (joined by the parent’s exit as well) the school and the other entering the teacher’s parking and further up the student’s carpark. At the exit, there’s a closed-off lane for the school buses (the same ones that the public uses but contracted to school in the afternoon).

So yesterday went as usual, with me proceeding to drive N home. I got to the exit gate and had to wait for traffic (parents entering) on either side (they’re at a standstill on all 3 lanes (two on one side, and one on the other waiting to turn in).

I have to give way to every vehicle essentially.

N then saw her friend ( call her S) waiting at the bus stop and reached over to the horn and pressed it a couple of times, getting S’s attention (It got EVERYONE’s attention).

The two girls simply waved at each other and that was it. The parent currently inside the median strip waiting to exit (he has to exit before I could enter) rolled down their window and popped his head and one hand out gesturing ‘what???’ before pointing to the traffic in front of him.

The thought of potentially losing my parking privilege (should I be reported) infuriated me and so I told N to get out. She thought that I was joking and dismissed me, and it kept going. After a couple of ‘no I’m serious, get out’ were dismissed, I yelled at her to get the f out, which got the point across.

Her friends are convinced that I left her stranded, with no way to get home despite her getting home fine for the past three years. My friends are split between ‘I would’ve done worst had anyone touched my car like that’ and I overreacted on a non-issue, with the exception that it will be justified if it was reported.

What do you think?”

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. She could’ve called her name out loud instead of using the horn, at least out of respect for you since you don’t simply touch other people’s stuff without permission. But your reaction has really been over the top.

I get you felt scared you could lose your privilege but to be fair she’s a young teen (as you are) and surely didn’t think about the possible consequences of her action.

Explain your reasons to her so she can understand but def apologize for your outburst.” Emotional-Sorbet-759

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

PASSENGERS should never reach over towards the steering wheel unless it’s an EMERGENCY.

If you had reacted badly or had been driving while she did it, you could’ve caused an accident, all because she’s too lazy to stick her head out the window and yell.

Car horns aren’t designed to say hello to friends, even though some people do that.

Car horns are there to alert people of a dangerous situation. f.e. honking when they drive backward without looking back.” User

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

You kind of overreacted. You had a reaction to thinking you’d lose your parking privileges and then kicked her out with no explanation.

I am assuming she is also a new driver, and possibly doesn’t know honking etiquette.

It would be better to say ‘You absolutely cannot touch my wheel or honk my horn while driving. You just annoyed that guy thinking we were honking at him, and I could lose my parking privileges.’

Then if she argues, sure, kick her out.

But she might have just said ‘Oh, so sorry! I had no idea.’

Your friend who ‘would have done worse’ to anyone who touched his car has a temper problem. There is no need to be violent with people because they did something you didn’t like, that you had never asked them not to do.

Next time, try communicating before losing your temper. You can still lose your temper after if the communication doesn’t work. But you didn’t even give her a chance.” sweadle

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Kllswtch7 1 year ago
What was wrong with just saying 'hey dont ever do that again, for real' good god what an over reaction to something so simple. I know at your age literally everything is a big deal. But that was so not a big deal. You suck as a friend
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1. AITJ For Playing A Scary Movie To Keep Kids Out Of My Room?

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“My (f16) mom and dad divorced when I was 11. My parents have 50/50 custody of me but I mostly live with my mom and spend a lot of my weekends and summers at my dad’s house.

I have my own room at my dad’s house and I am allowed to lock it when I am not there because the woman he lives with 27 has two young kids and they went into my room and wrecked some of my stuff when she first moved in.

My dad replaced everything, told her that my room is off limits without my permission, and got me a lock with a key that only he and I have.

My dad 47 seems happy to spend time with this woman and her kids but he still makes time for me and makes me a priority.

When he got a new TV I got the old one and he mounted it in my room.

One thing though. This woman likes to have other mommies and kids over for play dates.

That’s fine. Maybe she and my dad will get married and she has every right to have guests over.

The problem is that sometimes she expects me to watch all the kids while she and her friends sit outside and drink wine or something. She even tried leaving them with me and going out for brunch with her friends. Not okay.

My dad has told her to knock it off. He told me it might be nice if I chose to help but that I wasn’t obligated to help.

So yesterday and today are days off from school so I was over at my dad’s for a long weekend.

My mom was having a Halloween party and I didn’t want to be around.

So I’m in my room when I hear a knock. There she is with four kids. She wants me to entertain them while she talks to her friends.

I say no thank you. She insisted. So I said I was watching a movie. And I was it’s called Ready or Not and it’s kind of gory. Not super gross or anything. Just not meant for little ones.

But it starts out with a pretty wedding.

So I opened the door and let them in. And they are bored because it isn’t a cartoon or a Marvel movie. But they go running when the gory part starts.

She comes back inside and yells at me for scaring the kids.

She says she is going to take my tv away. I laughed and closed the door.

She was mad and told my dad I was a disrespectful brat and that my tv should go in the kid’s playroom. He said no but he talked to me and said I could have handled it better.

He isn’t mad. But he’s disappointed.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

You have already rejected the request and she insisted. You have your plans and are stuck with them which is fair, you’re not obligated to change your plan to watch a horror show to watch some child-friendly show just so the actual parents can all slack instead of rotating one person to care for the kids.

You warned her of what your plan was and she took it at face value and now regrets it, not your fault she sucks at playing with a chance.

To be honest, crappy of father to say he’s disappointed, it should be you who’s disappointed he didn’t do anything to ensure his partner respect you.” denasher

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

You could have handled refusing better. Instead of fighting with your dad’s partner or talking to their parents or calling your dad, you took out your anger on a bunch of little kids.

That’s similar to a manager getting yelled at by corporate and handling it by screaming at his employees.

Except the employees have the choice to leave. Small children are pretty much stuck wherever their parents put them. And you proved you’d rather be cruel to little kids who can’t fight back than continue to argue with an adult.” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, could you have handled it a different way? Sure but I personally approve.

The other obvious path was to straight tell the parents you will not be watching their kids – I guarantee that would have been viewed as humiliating by your stepmom and her friends may have also ignored your boundary putting you back at square one.

You caused a situation, without safety issues, that the kids’ parents couldn’t ignore. I’m not giving your stepmom’s friends a pass because they should be aware of who is watching their kids and an unwilling minor babysitter is not a hard no.

To be clear, your dad is primarily upset you didn’t find a solution that didn’t impact him. I’d call him a lazy parent except for the fact that he’s inflicting this woman on you AND criticized you for having the audacity to stand up for yourself.

Your dad, stepmom, and kids’ parents are jerks – in that order.” copper_rabbit

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. The woman for obvious reasons.

You because imagine this from the woman’s friends’ POV: You go over to a friend’s house, and your friend says, ‘Oh, my partner’s teenage daughter will watch the kids, it’s no trouble.’ She goes away and comes back without the kids, you assume they’re safe, and all is good.

Then they see this movie and they’re traumatized. It’s probably going to come out somewhere. Maybe they have night terrors and nobody in your household sleeps well for months. Maybe they start acting up at school and their education suffers. Maybe they freak out at your cousin’s wedding next month or are afraid to go to certain areas of their own house.

So, yes, you OP were a jerk to those families. You owe them an apology. Since your dad has your back, you should have gone to him or locked them out.

Your dad WBTJ if he doesn’t help you resolve this longer-term.” Specialist_Topic_170

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TJHall44 1 year ago
NTA lol
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