People Plead For Answers To Their "Am I The Jerk?" Conflict
16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Take Financial Responsibility For My Partner's Car Maintenance?
“My partner (28F) was traveling and asked me (30M) to stay at her place and look after her dogs. She told me I could use her car for anything I needed during my stay. She has two cars and did not specify which one. A Porsche 911 GT3 and a Toyota Camry.
I used the Camry most of the time but took the Porsche for a short road trip to a hiking trail and I hired a dog sitter that day. We did have fun with it in an empty field but nothing too extreme or going over what the car is rated for.
When she got back, she noticed the Porsche was dirtier (I did not leave it extremely dirty or anything, just a normal amount of dirt) and asked me if I used that car. I said I did but only once. She got upset and said that I should have known when she said car she meant only the Toyota as she always refers to the Porsche as the Porsche or the GT3.
She herself only uses that car for special occasions and sometimes takes it to a track, and I thought our trip counted as a special occasion.
She got the car checked as she claimed it felt different and came back with an incredibly expensive maintenance quote and told me I should pay for the suspension and undercarriage damage parts of the bill.
I feel like she is being a jerk; I only used it for one day, and I said I did not know maintenance was part of the deal and that I felt tricked. I offered to pay for the whole service of the Camry the next time it needs it.
She got the other car knowing the maintenance is high for her hobbies and is trying to shift the maintenance cost to me.
AITJ?
Edit: I did not know you could not use the car in fields (well I know but I thought one that was relatively flat would be ok if he drove slow) and my friend really wanted to try the car and pressured me to let him try it in the field even though I was reluctant but he assured me it would not cause any damage.
I will pay the bill in that case maybe even the whole bill. I could afford it and I doubt my friend would pay for it. In the first place I wanted to fetch my Subaru Outback from my place so we could store more stuff, but my friend convinced me to take the Porsche.”
Another User Comments:
“I am dying. Bro, YTJ. That is BARELY a street car and you admitted she tracks it. You KNEW she meant the Camry and decided to use cheap semantics because she didn’t specify which car. If you weren’t being intentionally sneaky, you would have at least had the decency to ask her if you could take her on a road trip.
All Porsches, especially a 911 GT3, require surprising amounts of maintenance for everyday ordinary driving. Certain cars HAVE to be driven a certain way, which I bet is why your partner takes it to the track because she KNOWS how to drive the car correctly.
The fact you just drove it into a field is equal parts hilarious and mortifying.
Apologize to your partner, pay for the repairs, and pay for it to get detailed and hope she doesn’t leave you for being deceptive.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You know nothing about an expensive car — and let’s face it, a Porsche 911 is over $130,000 new any freaking year you can think of, for the BASE model…
It’s not a car to take to a field and do donuts.
You were out of your depth, out of bounds and you’re crap out of luck with your feeling you don’t shouldn’t have to pay for the repairs.
That’s not “maintenance.” That’s a service to FIX the damage you caused the car with your joyride.
It’s almost like you’re a 16-year-old taking the parents’ sports car out while they’re away. AND you let your dolt of a friend drive…both of you are completely disrespectful jerks.
You owe her. Pay up.” SunMoonTruth
Another User Comments:
“You took a low-riding sports car joyriding in a field.
Most cars aren’t built for any kind of off-roading but you didn’t think there’d be any damage? There’s no such thing as a “flat field” and at 30 years old you should know that.
Stop calling it “maintenance.” These are repairs. You and your pal damaged the car.
YOU didn’t have permission to use that car & you let your friend drive it? For your sake, I hope she doesn’t find out about that part because if it were my car, I’d be dumping you and taking legal action to get the repairs paid for – which is probably the real reason you’re not approaching your “friend” about the repairs.
Also, “she CLAIMED it felt different,” that’s disrespectful and dismissive – to put it mildly. She knows her vehicle. A woman doesn’t own a car like that and NOT know how it drives and what it sounds like intimately – even if she only drives it occasionally.
Get your head out and take some responsibility. Your friend may have pressured you but you’re the guy who made the decision to take it out and hand over the keys.
YTJ.” tunan248877
15. AITJ For Cutting My Mother's Allowance To Pay For Daycare?
Does anyone else feel like this mother is taking her daughter and son-in-law for granted?
The divorce is crappy, but I mean, there are ways around to fix her finances: getting a job, trying to get more alimony from her ex, financial assistance from the Government, changing her spending habits…
“Last year, my husband (35M) and I (34F) had our first (and last) child.
We were fortunate enough to be able to stay at home with him for almost a year by staggering our parental leave and vacations, but now that time has run out, and we must return to work. I asked my mother (56F) if she would be available to watch him during the week and she said no. Fair enough.
That’s her prerogative. My husband and I researched daycares in the areas where we work and settled on one that came highly recommended. It was expensive though and that meant cutting down on expenses – like the monthly allowance that we’d been giving my mother.
A bit of background to this.
My parents were married for 28 years before my father decided that he wanted someone younger and hotter than my mother. For all of those 28 years, my mother had been a SAHM and then a SAHW. With my father leaving, she was now meant to survive somehow in a world where she had never really worked because when they got married my father didn’t want her to and because she was raised in a traditional, religious family, she did what the head of household wanted. I’m not even going to go into that man’s hypocrisy.
Either way, he’s gone, and even though she got some alimony, she didn’t press for as much as she should have (again, that religious conditioning), and she’s struggling. My husband and I have been supplementing my mother’s income to a hefty amount every month which was not an issue until we had to put our baby into daycare and found out just how expensive that was in a very high cost of living area.
In light of that, we told her that we would need to cut her allowance in half. We were not planning to start immediately but would take the financial hit for three months to give her time to adjust and move things around. She got upset and told us that we were punishing her for saying no. I told her that was not the case, but it is hard to maintain two households basically by ourselves if we had to pay an exorbitant amount to daycare every month for the foreseeable future.
She was still angry and asked us to leave.
Later my sister called us upset that we were “abandoning mom” and “making her struggle” just because she wouldn’t do our bidding. So I suggested to her that she increase how much she was helping considering she still lives at home.
She called me a freaking witch and hung up on me.
So, am I really the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“Out of curiosity, what is your mom’s long-term plan? Is it her plan to have you and your husband support her (albeit supplementally) for the rest of her life?
Is the alimony your jerk father paying her an indefinite arrangement? Since your sister also lives with your mom, is it also understood that as you’re supplementally supporting your mom, you’re also supporting her?
Do Mom and Sister understand that you are going back to work in order to support your family?
That your salary will be depleted by daycare and their support? I mean, why even bother going back to work if you’re just basically signing your paycheck over to daycare and mom and sister (and the IRS)? Will you even see any benefit by going back to work?
Mom still has more than a decade before Social Security kicks in so as far as age is concerned, she’s got plenty of time to start building her own future. Yeah, it sucks to have wasted her life on a jerk who threw her away for a younger model, but she’s not so old that she can’t at least contribute to her own upkeep.
It’s honorable that you want to support your mom and that you’re so understanding of your sister’s situation. But now that you’re a mom, your son is your #1 priority. If Grandma and Auntie can’t pitch in and help you to the extent you’ve been helping them, then they need to take a good look at their expectations and their entitlement and realize how lucky they are to have you.
They should be grateful.
Arrange your finances as is best for your little family of three. Whatever you feel is expendable after all your bills, daycare, baby’s college savings, etc are taken care of, then you can entertain Mom and Sister’s needs/wants.
To quote, King Charles in his own recent family issues, you are “not a bank.”
By the way, in case it’s not obvious, NTJ.” ComtesseRochambeau
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. After the divorce, your mother needed to start supporting herself financially (info: you mean by still living at home, she still doesn’t even have a job?).
Yes, a monthly allowance for a few months until she got back on her feet would’ve been fine but not a permanent solution to HER financial issues. Now that you have your own family to care for, your child is the priority, not her. She’s parentifying you and acting like a child when you have an obligation to get daycare for your child, which she flat-out refused to assist you with, despite you assisting her for however long financially.
She’s a major jerk, especially if she’s sitting at home not doing anything to help herself, and personally, I’d cut her off completely so she gets a nice, big reality check.” Reddit user
14. AITJ For Trying To Stop Our Daughter From Gaming?
“My fiancé (31M) and I (28F) have a child (7F). She is like him in many ways and they are very close. Both have ADHD. He doesn’t have the behavioral problems he had when he was younger but they were really bad. Our daughter is apparently much worse than he was when it comes to behavior.
We finally got medication prescribed to try and help. Unfortunately, there are still some problems with behavior to the point the doctor gave us an emergency recommendation for a psych evaluation. It’s been scary as she is very impulsive and puts herself (and, in one instance, other children) in harm’s way without thinking.
Her doctor brought up doing an in-patient psychiatric clinic (which we don’t really want to put her through).
Here’s where my AITJ question comes in. My fiancé came in to discuss our daughter with me. I always talk about getting her into something physical to help burn her energy and get her sleeping well again (she’s had insomnia and lack of sleep makes for awful tantrums).
Well, he brought up that maybe taking away her computer was a bad idea (she gets electronics on the weekends only because whenever she has them her tantrums are more frequent and intense) because maybe she could play brain-stimulating games. I told him her computer was originally bought for that but she ended up only using it for Roblox.
With Roblox on her laptop now she’d never use it for learning stuff. He mentioned how gaming helped him when he was younger and said when he gets his new gaming PC she can have his old one and they can play Halo together.
I flat-out said that I didn’t want her to play Halo and that it’s not appropriate. I told him I wanted her to do other things, things that I thought would be better for her. He got angry with me and started to ignore me.
When I finally got him back into the conversation, I asked why he was upset and he said I basically told him I don’t want our daughter to be like him. Which, to an extent, isn’t wrong (he has a drinking problem that’s connected to his PC fixation) but that’s not even what I was saying.
I don’t care if they play some games together, I love when they bond but I don’t want her to fixate on that the way he does. I’d rather find something else for her to focus on. His feelings are hurt and he says I made him feel like crap, and I do feel bad because I don’t like when he feels that way.
Am I the jerk for not wanting her to be a gamer like her dad?”
Another User Comments:
“Wow. YTJ.
She has ADHD. She is (very likely) going to fixate on something, and you don’t get to choose what that something is. If gaming helps her focus and get her mind more organized then it could be a real help to her.
The fact that she could do it with her dad would be even better. Not only would they get to bond, but he could help her focus, make sure she is playing appropriate games and with appropriate groups, and judge whether it really is helping or not.
Honestly, you sound like the type of parent who takes away their kid’s special interest/fixation stuff because “oh having that always makes them worse,” but really being deprived of your special interest/fixation causes so much more distress and anxiety that it will always make a child’s behavior so much worse.
Do you not want your kid to game because you don’t want them to be a “gamer”, and you don’t like the stereotype?
Do you not like your kid having any fixation at all, because it makes it more apparent that your kid isn’t neurotypical?
YTJ.” Swirlyflurry
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk. Sounds a lot like my parents and me. My mother tried the “active” route when I was your daughter’s age and I did not like that at all (mom didn’t ask and I got bullied). It’s not even that I wasn’t an active kid, it just wasn’t what I wanted to spend my time doing.
She just assumed. After 7 years of that, I fell into gaming like my father. For me, gaming really helps the ADHD brain feel better. Everything is just. A lot. All the time (and not enough at the same time!!) Games are a single distraction/something to focus on and an escape.
In a world of “no, you can’t do this, you have to do this, do that” (especially from a kid’s perspective), it’s nice to play games where you can do what YOU want (and ADHD brain likes that a lot).
I’d highly recommend something creative like Animal Crossing.
I believe there is an app you can play on a phone or tablet if you don’t have a switch. The beauty of the game is there is only so much you can do in a day. So at some point, you just have to close it, lol.
But you still look forward to playing the next day.” starletimyours
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Good Lord, SHE’S SEVEN.
I have a son with similar difficulties who is a similar age. If we let him just “enjoy being a gamer”, he would never enjoy anything else.
He would game all day, every day, to the detriment of his mental health, physical health, and other activities. He has different wiring in his brain so he can’t just enjoy it for a while, then put the controller down and do something else. Sitting down and not moving for hours means he’s not getting the sensory input and exercise that he needs to sleep well, which is a crucial part of managing his emotional well-being.
Never mind that HALO (HALO!!! Good Lord) is completely inappropriate.
We are just now moving to a system where he can earn “tablet time” tokens for good behavior, but a full-on gaming PC? Marathon gaming sessions as a regular thing? That would be me not looking after his wellbeing.
I don’t mind that he has hyper-fixations. I will never force him to “broaden his interests.” At the moment, he is fully obsessed with trains! But games are designed to keep you playing. They are hyper-stimulating in ways that other things aren’t. That’s why ADHD-ers love them.
Gives you that sweet sweet dopamine in a way that nothing else can. But it really really messes with my kid’s happiness and wellbeing unless strict limits are in place.” Cold_Brother_5230
13. AITJ For Not Pulling My Weight After Our Baby Was Born?
“I (39M) and my wife (41F) had a baby 3 weeks ago. He’s absolutely amazing, but he is a baby about stuff.
I work a 9-5 where I gotta do a lot of math (basic high school math, but it’s a ton of calculations and a typo can be very, very expensive if not caught) and driving; she’s on maternity leave for six months.
She had a really rough pregnancy (hyperemesis and pulmonary embolisms) and gave birth via c-section.
I say this to be sure to point out that she has had a rough 9 months in the lead-up to this.
Now, her mom is staying with us until late or mid-March to help. We are fighting constantly about sleep and dividing labor.
I’m aiming to get about 5-6 hours of sleep a night so I can work without losing income.
She feels that, as a new parent, I should be getting less and just dealing with it. Her mom is super eager to help and willing to watch our boy overnight from time to time.
The plan that I’ve twisted my wife’s arm into trying is that she goes to bed around 8 pm.
MIL goes to bed maybe an hour later. I’m on duty on nights that I work from when she goes to bed until whenever his last feeding is after midnight (so anytime between 12 am and 3 am) at which point I feed him and settle him down and take him upstairs to sleep in the crib next to mommy.
When she doesn’t want to cover that part of the night, MIL is willing to take that very early morning shift so we can both sleep. I’m also doing full overnights solo on nights that I don’t have work in the morning.
In between when I get home from work and my wife goes to bed, I’m doing chores…cleaning bottles and dishes, restocking the changing stations, and taking out the trash.
She handles all the logistical stuff. Things like doctor’s appointments and getting him on the insurance are all her. I got the daycare set up for later in the year.
He’s super fussy during her shift at night, and she’s saying I’m not pulling my weight and shouldn’t be asking for as much sleep because the baby isn’t letting her sleep during her shift. I don’t sleep during my shift.
She also doesn’t want MIL helping so much, fearing that we’d become too reliant on her.
She’s resorted to calling me stupid and lacking initiative for not doing any logistical stuff and still asking for enough sleep to work.
AITJ for trying to figure out a sleep schedule?
Should I be doing more? I’d love to hear from moms specifically because I’m worried I’m missing a perspective that my wife might not be articulating to me.”
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk – First, please keep in mind that a c-section is a major abdominal surgery.
After any other major abdominal surgery, the patient would be told to get as much rest as possible, to limit movement and lifting, and basically just focus 100% on healing. But with c-sections, everyone pretends it is not a big deal because the baby’s needs should come first.
It sounds like you are doing a lot and trying your best to find a schedule that works for both of you. Which is why you are not the jerk. But you do have to cut your wife some slack. Keep in mind that maternity leave does not mean she is not working.
Even with her mom there to help, caring for a newborn is a full-time job. You are both working during the day.
Given that she is healing from major surgery and dealing with a flood of postpartum hormones, you should be taking on what might feel like an unfair amount of the load.
At least until she is sufficiently healed, which will take a few more weeks (barring any complications).
Talk to your wife and MIL and see if they will both agree to have MIL do a full night of care the next night before you have a day off.
That way you and your wife can both get a full night’s sleep and can spend the next day working out a new game plan together.
Remember – you both have needs and feelings that are valid. The newborn stage, especially for first-time parents, is HARD.
You have no idea what to expect until you are in it. You love each other and you are on the same team (with MIL and baby).” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s definitely struggling postpartum. You have to remember that just because she’s not pregnant anymore, doesn’t mean she’s not also medically recovering from the pregnancy with the hormones being completely out of whack plus the major surgery her body went through.
It’s not as easy to look after a newborn when you are recovering from surgery either.
Why she’s not willing to accept help is beyond me though. You may want to discuss postpartum depression and attend a pediatrician appointment. This may be an issue.
I nursed and so I was the only one that could feed the baby, so everyone else changed diapers and rocked the baby, so I could care for myself. We were both in diapers for a while. Lol!
You should have taken at least the first two weeks off though.
Those first few weeks are insane for everyone.
Definitely explore why she won’t accept the help. Babies change and the baby she will have in a few months is not going to be the newborn that needed even more from her. Having people help will not make you reliant on them, it will give her time to heal her own body so she can be more present.
Speaking from experience because I’ve had 3 cesareans.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“Listen, let her sleep. It’s only been 3 weeks. She’s not even out of the puerperal phase. This is a very touchy period where hormones are not fully restored to a baseline and the risk of severe puerperal psychological issues is still very high.
Imma divulge a bit more than I usually do. I’m a doctor and even with every sign of a not-very-good postpartum, and being trained to recognize them, I still couldn’t avoid letting things escalate.
Sleep is important. None of you are a jerk, but, again, sleep is important.
You are at the advantage of not having hormones messing your head up. She has not only the “hormone is whack!” thing, but also the recovery of the pain and feeling of inadequacy a C-section can bring (due to being reliant on others) on top of being scared for her own life due to the embolism, as I suspect she is and/or was.
Let her sleep. For real.” Gldza
12. WIBTJ For No Longer Being A Groomsman Because My Partner Wasn't Invited To The Wedding?
“One of my close friends asked me to be in his wedding. His wedding party is quite large, around 10 guys. I have been with my partner for a long time, about 6 years, lived with her for about 4. The future groom and bride know her and have hung out with her on several occasions, she is not a random to them.
However, now we live across the country from them and have for some time. We haven’t hung out with them much the past couple of years due to this, outside of their engagement party, which both I and my partner attended.
The groom gave me no warning – the invite just didn’t mention my partner.
I contacted other groomsmen who I am close with and they were given an invite for their partner. I was probably the only one in a serious relationship not given an extension to bring my partner.
I contacted him asking if I was allowed to bring my partner, and he said the guest list had grown too large and if there were to be a cancellation I would be one of the first to get the extension.
This seems nice until you have to factor in that my partner would need to book a flight last minute, which significantly ups the cost. The wedding is in 2 months.
This made me a little upset, as he is asking me to travel across the country (where after plane tickets, hotels, and tuxedos would cost 1,500+), an extra $600 for a bachelor party, and he gave other long-term partners the invite, but not mine.
I would have been entirely understanding had he contacted me beforehand and let me know, but it felt a little rude to receive the notice by the mailed invite with no explanation or forewarning.
Would I be the jerk to decline this invitation and tell him I was hurt?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
They are free to invite whoever they want to their wedding. But to expect someone, and only one person, in the bridal party to not bring their SO, is just dumb. If they invited too many people, then they need to uninvite some to make sure their wedding party is set.
That is how to plan the invitations. You plan on the people who have to be there, like those in the wedding party, and their spouses, then family and their spouses, then friends, and so on.
As well as the cost of travel across the country, they are asking you to spend however many days away from home, leaving your partner behind.
Tell him you are grateful for the invite and you send your best wishes, but traveling across the country requires planning, and the last-second notice of her being able to attend or not doesn’t work. And, the exclusion of your partner while everyone else in the party has theirs invited is strange and hurtful.
Ask the groom why it was done this way, and not some nonsense reason about too many guests, but what the real issue is. If there really is no known issue between the couple and your partner, then they need to explain why she is being excluded.
Be prepared that this might affect your relationship with the couple permanently.” evilcj925
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would make a point to tell the groom/bride that since other friends and their SOs were invited it does seem like a plan they’ve come up with to not include your SO, as they had no issue with including the others even in light of the wedding list having grown too large as the groom says.
Another thought I have is that they may be trying to set you up with someone who will be at the wedding and secretly don’t like your SO, even though you say there is no awkwardness or conflict between all of you. And to say that they’ll let you know if a spot opens up so that your SO can attend seems very odd especially when they know you have a partner and also personally know the partner.” Sufficient_Night_566
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I am of the belief that the invite list can be as restricted as people want, so long as it is done in a uniform way (aka, you can’t say “only married couples” and then make a ton of exceptions), and you also realize it limits who may attend.
The other groomsmen have plus ones, you don’t, and there’s no reason your relationship is different. That stings a little. Besides that, knowing that your partner isn’t coming changes your interest in participating, which is fine, just like finding out that a wedding isn’t child-free changes who comes.
And when you plan a wedding, you have to be thoughtful about the invitations. Family and the wedding party are the top-tier guests, so you figure out how many people that is, including the plus ones that would need to be given, and then you go to the next circle of people, etc, etc. If you are an important part of the day, then thinking about what is necessary and polite practice to show you are an important part of the day should have been factored in.
You aren’t raising a stink, you just aren’t interested in attending now that you know your partner isn’t invited. Sure you said yes a year ago, but the circumstances that you said yes under have changed. Also, super bad form for the groom to not have at least talked to you in advance about the plus one situation.” mfruitfly
11. AITJ For Making My Wife Watch The Kid At Home Instead Of Going To A Funeral?
“So, my (28) wife’s (27) stepdad’s father died a few days ago, and though she didn’t know him very well, she wanted to go to support her stepdad.
Because her stepdad’s family lives far away (a 4-hour drive), she took the whole day off and planned to drive there with her brother. I was invited as well, but we have two kids (6 and 2), so we agreed that I would stay home and take the kids to school/daycare and go to work.
So far so good!
Unfortunately, our youngest got sick in the days prior to the funeral, and I was going through a big project at work that I’ve been leading, AND my wife had to go to an important seminar the days leading up to the funeral. Therefore, I had to stay home for a day, then my mom took a day off to watch our son while I was working, and then I took another day off while my wife was at the seminar.
Now the day before the funeral, I told my wife that I can’t take any more days off from work; I absolutely have to go in tomorrow, my mom is not an option, and the kid is still sick.
On the day of the funeral, I go to work, and because our kid is still sick, my wife stays home instead of going to the funeral, and when I get home, she is livid, talking about how I let her stepdad down, that she really wanted to go for his sake, and how I thought work was more important than that.
Now, I am truly sorry that she couldn’t go, and I gave my condolences to her stepdad and told him that I was sorry about the whole situation. But my wife is still mad at me.
To Summarize:
I went to work knowing that my wife would have to stay home and watch the kid instead of going to the funeral. She says that I’m the jerk because she wanted to support her stepdad and I prevented that.
I think I’m NTJ because she didn’t know the dead guy very well and I already skipped work twice in the middle of an important project so she could work. Nevertheless, I feel like a jerk but what should I have done?”
Another User Comments:
“It doesn’t matter if you took the days off beforehand. The timing was horrible, but you were already aware your wife had the seminar and the funeral. The day before the funeral she was at a conference, but you were home all day. You could have tried to find arrangements for your child so your wife could attend, but you only thought about how you weren’t staying home the next day.
It doesn’t matter that you skipped work earlier in the week. A sick child is as much your responsibility as a mother’s. If you were a single dad, you would be staying home or scrambling for other arrangements. You didn’t give your wife the same courtesy you’d give yourself in that situation.
This is why YTJ.” liliette
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I find it quite odd that you only find out a DAY before the funeral you can’t take off more days. I find that… a little too late to find out about tbh. Did you even speak to your work about the circumstances?
And mentioned why you need another day off? Because to me at least it doesn’t come across as that.
Second.. You assumed she thought the seminar was more important and that if they fell on the same day, she would go to the seminar instead, but have you actually asked your wife what she would rather go to, a funeral for her stepdad’s father or a seminar?
Because assuming won’t get you anywhere.
“She didn’t know the dead guy very well.” Well, he’s her stepdad’s father… She wasn’t going for herself either, man, more to support her stepdad.” zZombi__
Another User Comments:
“You should both have planned this better. If her going to the funeral was so important and you only had several days off you could take, then you should have organized this better as soon as your son got sick.
Couldn’t you have gotten a nanny?
YTJ for the way you handled it in general, you don’t get to decide what is important to her or not. It sounds like she DID make it clear that she wants to be there, many days before the funeral. Did you let her know in advance that you only had a certain amount of days off left or did you blindside her?
If you did make it clear then she could have skipped that seminar and given you an extra day off you could have taken on the day of the funeral.” Lacitic
10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Invite My Brother To My Wedding?
“I’m getting married in a few months, and we’re about to send out invitations. My fiancee’s side is done and we’ve worked out friends. The only thing left is my side. I thought I had everyone, but then I was reminded about my much older brother, Alex.
Surprising, because I thought everyone hated him. I was too young to remember very much, but from what I do remember and from what people said for years after, he may have been the oldest, but there were no friends for him in the family, and it was very mutual. They said he was troubled, over-dramatic, and couldn’t make a single good decision.
There was never a day without an argument. Some of it may have involved some girl(?), and there were a lot of accusations being thrown around. He moved out at 18 when my sister and I were 4 and 8. He cut contact with us. Since everyone stopped talking about him a few years later, I figured it was the same for them, but one of my aunts was keeping tabs on him.
I guess as time went on, the older relatives softened. For a few years now, they’ve all been wanting to reconcile things with Alex.
It’s been slow going, but within the two years, he’s shown interest in coming out for a visit. It hasn’t worked out with holidays, so now everyone really wants me to invite Alex to my wedding as a show of reconciliation to invite him back to the family and so he can see everyone.
I don’t want to. I don’t even know this guy, and I don’t want my wedding to turn into some prodigal son family reunion. My family says I can’t possibly know what was happening back then, and they’ve changed their story to everything just being personality differences and normal teenage behavior that was getting blown out of proportion on both sides because he was the oldest son and the family was very traditional.
Everyone is begging me to do it. My family was even offering to pay the cost to have him and his wife there, even though they aren’t thrilled about his wife, but now they’re upping it to paying half of the catering cost if he’s included. I still don’t want to, but now my fiancée thinks I’m being stubborn and I should just suck it up for that much of a discount.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“To be estranged from your entire family at 18 is pretty extreme, and unless he made other people unsafe I don’t think he deserved that. Having the whole family close ranks against him would have been really scary and isolating. Being asked to meet them all at the same time would be terrifying to me.
Maybe I missed something, but I’m not clear if Alex has indicated any agreement with this wedding plan, just being open to a visit. If I was him, I would not be down for this even if you were super psyched about it happening at your wedding.
A day when people are emotional, maybe intoxicated, and all gathered together with an audience around? Recipe for disaster. Overwhelming for Alex, such a high potential for someone to freak out if it’s not the perfect, magical reunion they imagined, etc. You could make some variation of this argument to more reasonable members of your family.
If you’re comfortable doing it, you could also try reaching out to him directly. Acknowledge that neither of you really had a choice in your estrangement (keeping contact with an 8-year-old without being in contact with their parents isn’t really an option) and that you’re curious about him and would like to connect.
If you can open a line of communication and get along, you could be an ally/safe person for him when he reintroduces himself to the extended family (preferably a few at a time). I think that would be really kind of you.” NomadicSecret
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your relatives want to see Alex, they can do it another time. You do not need to invite a stranger to your wedding. Have your parents had contact with Alex? Do they want to? Does he want to see them? There is a lot of potential for awkwardness and drama you do not need on your wedding day.
Has Alex even professed interest in coming? Has he asked the relatives he is in touch with about you? He must realize you are an adult now. Has he expressed any desire to see you? Asked a relative to give you his contact info or pass along a message?
It sounds like your relatives want this big movie moment of reconciliation that Alex himself might not even be interested in. Being in touch with relatives and being part of family events are not the same thing!” CosmicGreen_Giraffe3
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if your family wanted you to have a connection with him, then they should have facilitated that when you were growing up, rather than talking about him so negatively.
It’s like they are using the wedding to make up for their past problems but understandably you are unhappy having someone there who is a stranger to you and potentially dealing with tension between family members. A reunion and reconciliation should be a separate event from the wedding, it’s putting too much pressure on a day that is supposed to be happy and focused on you and your partner.
If you can meet your brother before the wedding and want him there after getting to know him then that’s up to you but you shouldn’t be pressured by family members who didn’t help you get to know him sooner. You were a small child and they need to take responsibility for the estrangement.” theficklemermaid
9. AITJ For Being Mad At My Dad For Finding Someone New After My Mom Passed Away From Cancer?
“So, my mom passed away from pancreatic cancer back in June, and to be honest I don’t think I’ll move past it for a long time. My mom was always there for me and we spent so much time together.
Her death was unexpected and fast. It blindsided me and I haven’t been the same since then.
My dad and I haven’t been close at all really, but I’m staying with him while I search for a place to move out. I’ve been helping him with bills such as rent and utilities.
However, what he did on New Year’s Eve really caught me off guard.
I had my dad come and pick me up from work since I was feeling sick and didn’t feel comfortable driving home. When I walked to the car, this woman was in the car.
I just stood there in shock. Let’s call her Becky. He says, “This is Becky. She’s ‘just a friend’ (yeah right).” I say, “Hello” and look out the window because I was trying to mentally process everything. He keeps trying to get me to talk but I don’t want to.
You’re just gonna bring this random woman you’re seeing back to the place after my mom passed not even a year ago?
I get home and I immediately go to my room and cry. I didn’t even go downstairs after that. I hear them downstairs talking and I just get more and more angry.
I get my phone and I send him a text stating that this is really upsetting me, and that this more or less ruined my New Year’s Eve. He offered to come upstairs to talk to me about it but I didn’t want to talk and just locked myself in my room.
Am I overreacting? Did I have a right to feel this way, and to tell my dad that this is bothering me, or should I just get over it? It feels too soon to move on from this, but I’m not my father. I plan on moving out in a few months but I just feel like this is disrespectful as heck, considering I live there too and help with bills.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is sad, but some men can not be alone and move on quickly after the death of a spouse. Two of my best friends each lost their mothers, and both of their fathers got married a year later (not to each other; they both married other women).
They started seeing these women soon after the death. Both of my friends had a very hard time with this (and I don’t blame them). It took years for them to “forgive “ their fathers and have a decent relationship with them again.
Don’t let anyone tell you that you are a jerk for your feelings about this.
You are grieving, and you never ever get over a parent’s death. My dad died almost 4 years ago, and it still hurts every day, and side note, my mom has no desire to get into a relationship ever again. She said, “Once you’ve had the best, no need to try again.”” EggplantOriginal6314
Another User Comments:
“How can you be so sure she isn’t just a friend? Men can have female friends. My dad has friends who are women he knows through his hobby, and after my mom died, they would make an effort to invite him to the theatre or bring him around food to make sure he didn’t isolate himself.
Most of them were happily married. One was a widow herself, and for a while, they supported each other a lot, but it was never romantic.
Losing your mom is hard. I know that but your dad needs support as well. He needs friends he can talk to and go out with.
He may just want to spend some time with a woman after losing your mom.
I’m going to say YTJ for not even giving him a chance to talk to you about how you felt and what was going on, and for expecting your dad to not spend time with women again.
You’re not the jerk for being upset and having a cry though, you are grieving so go easy on yourself, but maybe sit down with your dad and a cuppa and have a chat about it together.” PickletonMuffin
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk. My mom also died unexpectedly 1.5 years ago from aggressive cancer.
I was 32. I felt so robbed of the many milestones I expected she’d get to witness.
My dad got back into romance a year later. My parents had been together for almost 40 years. It was hard to accept, but I’ve worked through it, and now he’s had a partner for several months.
(I’ve opted not to meet her yet, and I do think your dad should’ve given you the same choice.)
What I’ve learned in my grief group through The Dinner Party (an org it sounds like you might benefit from!) is that all of us with one remaining parent feel differently about that parent getting into another relationship/remarrying.
For some, it’s a relief to see them experience love again. For others, it feels like a rejection of their lost parent.
But what we’ve all had to do is work through those feelings separately from our remaining parent. Your dad is allowed to find love again – after all, he hasn’t had to experience life as a single person in decades.
Imagine how jarring that would be! For my dad, he has struggled mightily to attend family events with his daughters, who both have partners. That amplifies his feelings of grief and loneliness.
Grief isn’t only valid if we shut ourselves off from the chance to experience joy and happiness again.
We can miss someone deeply and powerfully while still enjoying the company of others.
I know what your pain feels like, and I hope you can give yourself grace right now, and consider how to extend it to your dad, as well. This time in your life can make relationships more fraught than ever.
When you’re ready, consider having a conversation with your dad. It sounds like he knows he messed up.
Perhaps this could be an opportunity for you both to get vulnerable and deepen your relationship. Perhaps you just want to share your feelings and call it a day.
Whatever you do, try to be gentle with yourself.” sisterg0ldenhair
Another User Comments:
“Dealing with a close family member having pancreatic cancer right now, so I know a bit about that.
I also think it’s absolutely misogynistic how men move on so quickly because they can’t deal with the mental load of being alone and dealing with their grief, let alone how their kids will feel losing the only mother they’ll ever have!
Your mom died so suddenly, it’s baffling how he can just move on!
NTJ. You lost your mom. You’re allowed to cry in your room, you’re allowed to get mad at your father who can’t even seem to acknowledge how selfish he was in giving you no heads up.
As a mom, I just want to give you a hug. As a parent, your dad could do a heck of a lot more to not worsen your grief.
So many people telling you YTJ but I just disagree, Pancreatic cancer is just so awful and unfair.
It seems doubly unfair that you have to lose your mom and see your dad attempt to replace her role in his life without ever acknowledging how you can never do that and that your grief matters too, especially if you have to pay half the bills in your house — your home should be a safe space.” LauraPringlesWilder
8. AITJ For Trying To Get My Friend To Lose Weight?
Sometimes what’s best for you isn’t always best for someone else.
“I’m a massive gym rat. Before that, I was a fat, nerdy kid who was severely depressed. Instead of doing anything about it, I ate Oreos all day. Then my friends encouraged me to pursue fitness, and here I am.
My depression is automatically gone. Not letting corporate America take all of my money for therapy and harmful medications.
I have a friend, Lacey. She struggles with severe depression to the point of visiting an inpatient twice. She is very inactive and overweight, and no I’m not insulting her looks, but weight gain is literally the #1 cause of depression in America.
Now Lacey has recently been prescribed Lexapro, which is an SSRI. Lemme tell you a thing about SSRIs… they make you fat as heck. So imagine my already overweight friend taking these, gaining more weight, and being more depressed than she previously was. How was this going to help her?
I wanted to help Lacey, so I started inviting her to my gym. I even offered to help her pay for her membership and told her to be careful about taking SSRIs. I thought this was a great way to improve Lacey’s health, and having her at the gym with me is great because I do enjoy her company.
She shot it down in my face.
She told me that she’s going to start walking 10k steps a day to improve her fitness. Like that’s going to do anything? Walking can only get you so far, and I doubt they release endorphins at all.
And she might be getting an increase in her Lexapro after she has already been taking it for 4 months. Why? Because she thinks it helps her anxiety even though she’s still scared to go to the grocery store and Walmart.
We argued about this for a bit, and it eventually ended with her calling me an unsupportive jerk.
This entire time I’ve done nothing but support her. Am I the jerk for this?”
Another User Comments:
“My God, YTJ.
Your friend has been in inpatient medical care twice for depression. That means her depression is severe enough that it could kill her. Treating her depression is far, far more important than her current weight.
The fact that you got better when you exercised doesn’t mean that anybody else will do the same.
You’re encouraging a friend who needs medication, badly, to drop it, because of what you’ve heard at the gym about SSRIs. You are not qualified to give medical advice.
In fact, I once had to drop an SSRI because it was making me lose an unhealthy amount of weight. This is why doctors, rather than friends, supervise medication decisions.
Your friend is absolutely right – you are being unsupportive and a jerk. Your friend is dealing with a life-threatening illness — were you hospitalized for depression?
— and you are entirely focused on her weight and believe that exercising is more important than the treatment ordered by her doctors.
Please stop.” ThingsWithString
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
My mom had a friend in high school who died of a heart attack, as a teenager, because he tried to go straight from an inactive lifestyle to playing sports and doing workouts that were too intense for him.
He collapsed while playing football.
Walking is an EXCELLENT way to ease into exercise without the risk of overdoing it. And it does release endorphins. This is well-studied and well-established. Between this and your claims about weight and depression, you’re either making things up or getting your information from a very unreliable source.
You’re also wrong about SSRIs. Yes, they can make you gain weight. They can also make you lose weight! Or they can have no effect on your weight at all. I’ve taken mine for a few years now, and my weight is the same as it’s been for my whole adult life.
(Side note: Yes, SSRIs are overprescribed, but there’s a reason doctors will recommend them ALONG WITH other healthy behaviors like walking, spending time in nature, getting more sunlight, etc. They work fine individually but better together.)
To be honest OP, it sounds less like you care about your friend’s health and happiness, and more about showing off the perceived superiority of your own methods.
To be BRUTALLY honest, if losing weight was all it took to “cure” your depression, it’s because you have an overinflated sense of confidence otherwise.” PonyoLovesRevolution
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Unpopular opinion here, and you might need to be more careful how you phrase things, but your suggestion came from a good place.
Being concerned about someone you love’s weight isn’t mean. Obesity and heart disease kill so many people in America. You need to sit back now that you’ve shared your feelings though. Also if you are overweight enough walking will help some. If someone is out of shape walking is exercise.” natalud7
7. AITJ For Not Taking My Fiance's Fears Of Becoming A Father Seriously?
“My fiance and I have always been on the fence when it comes to the idea of children. I have always been a woman who did not crave motherhood as some women do, but I also didn’t push the idea away either. More of an “if it happens, it happens” type of thing.
Sure, I get baby fever like most people, but it usually dies down fairly quickly after babysitting my niece, who is a terror (a freaking adorable terror but a terror nonetheless). There also have been times when I simply catch my fiance doing something small and irrelevant (such as walking a certain way because I’m clearly pathetic and love-struck) and think, “I need to have his baby.” But again, it goes away quickly because as I said, I’ve never craved motherhood nor have I pushed it away.
It’s just sometimes there but often it’s not.
My fiance, on the other hand, is terrified of being a dad. He has expressed quite a few times that he actually wants kids, but he is so afraid of being like his own father that he thinks he will mess any child up that he may have.
And I get that. I feel that his fears are very valid. There have been times when he has outbursts like his father does, though they are incredibly rare. He just had a terrible home life, and then one day, his own father dropped him off on CPS’s doorstep and took off.
So he was in foster care for a bit, but his mom got him back after a while (when he was dropped off she was in another state nursing her mom back to health and CPS gave her a hard time trying to get him from state custody – but she ultimately had no idea what happened until after the fact).
So seriously, his fears are genuine and completely valid. But, I’m now pregnant. Completely unplanned. We took the measures to avoid it, but it happened anyway. My fiance immediately checked himself into therapy because of the unresolved traumas and fears that he has.
Well, he came back home from therapy yesterday and said we needed to talk.
He brought up that he truly didn’t think he would be a good dad and that sometimes he feels a rage burning inside him that he is afraid will come out, just like his father. I wasn’t trying to minimize his feelings, but I did state something to the effect of “I think you’re going to be a great father because of how self-aware you are and because you know that you want to be nothing like him.” We went back and forth like that for a few minutes where he just kept pushing back and saying he didn’t know if he could control it, and I would just assure him that I believe he can.
When eventually he just snapped, stood up incredibly fast, and said, “Will you please just stop freaking talking and listen to what I’m telling you? You’re minimizing my feelings right now.” I told him I hadn’t realized I was and asked pretty bluntly, “Do you wish I wasn’t pregnant, is that it?” He then says “That’s not what I’m freaking saying.
Jesus Christ, never mind.” And leaves. I’m very confused if I actually did something wrong or if he was trying to show me that he is “unstable.” AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk, just soon-to-be parents that have some communication to work on. He clearly has a good bit of unresolved trauma, and the therapist will help him start addressing it but it will start to bring up a lot of emotions and new things he isn’t ready for or understands how to deal with, and might just need you to say, I’m sorry or it sucks, so he can vent and move on since the therapist is already pulling up the difficult stuff.
We learned to ask, Support or Solutions? So we know what the other needs in the moment.
It seems like in that moment he was looking for support, not solutions but didn’t make that clear to you. His fears are valid and your responses to him initially were thoughtful in a way to not put him down.
But sometimes they just gotta vent and will feel better (my husband does this) and isn’t looking for actual answers at the moment because he knows he’s just feeling his feelings too hard and just needs to get it out so maybe he can understand it.
Therapy is going to be doing a lot to him mentally and it’s going to be really hard …because real breakthroughs are. Maybe there can occasionally be couples sessions so you can get a better understanding and then you can attack your problems as a team?
Parenthood is scary, y’all are in charge of a life. But you are a couple for a reason. You are a team. Hope both of you can get to a mutually excited place, and congratulations!” oonlyyzuul
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk. Being newly pregnant can be a little scary, even without all the baggage your fiancé is carrying.
My husband is much like him – he has spent his entire adult life afraid he’ll turn out like his father. He is NOTHING like his father and is a phenomenal father to our kids. But when someone grows up with a jerk for a father, it can be very scary to undertake parenthood.
Keep talking, and more importantly – keep listening. Encourage him to talk through what he is afraid of. Chances are there are things that scare you about becoming a mom too – share those. Communication is everything. And a gentle reminder…there is a reason pregnancy lasts 10 months (a normal pregnancy is up to 42 weeks – don’t come at me with that 9-month nonsense!
LOL!). Besides the fact that it takes time to grow a human being, it also takes time to grow into being a parent. And parents grow up with their kids. You don’t need to know how to handle a teenager when you have a newborn.
You just need to muddle through whatever current stage you’re in. And whatever stage you’re in – keep talking, and keep listening. Help each other when one of you is frustrated or overtired or at the end of your rope for whatever reason.
Line up help before the birth, if you possibly can. Newborns are incredible, but the newborn phase – and, imo, the first few years – are beyond exhausting. Know who you can ask for help. Have easy dinners prepared and in the future. And keep communicating.
And in case you’re wondering…yes, it is all more than worth it. The exhausting years do end. New challenges come with every stage, but so do so so so many new joys. You two can handle this. But keep communicating!” SimplyLVB
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If he’s legitimately afraid of hurting his own child, this isn’t the time for a perky little “you can do it” talk. It’s unconscious, but your privilege is showing. If someone in your own family can brutalize a child, it does a number on your head.
Can you two maybe arrange a therapy session where his therapist supports him in sharing his concerns and supports you in effective listening? Because if it isn’t just anxiety, if he’s having intrusive thoughts or compulsions, this conversation needed to happen yesterday.” unlovelyladybartleby
Another User Comments:
“Yeah, you’re the jerk. But not completely. You seem to be understanding at first, but that last paragraph I had immense sympathy for him. It was clearly not easy for him to confess this and all he wanted to do was express these feelings and all you did was minimize them.
Obviously, he is way too late for this discussion, and I get you’re already pregnant, but he’s making it VERY clear that he doesn’t think he’s capable of being the father that baby needs. I would absolutely take that seriously. Whether that’s putting the kid up for adoption or raising this child on your own.
Honestly, I’m also not sure why you want to keep the baby yourself the way you’ve described your feelings for kids.” CosmosLady8
6. AITJ For Making It Difficult For Our Daughter To Move Back In With Us?
“My husband “Luke” and I’s eldest child “Betty” (25F) moved out last year.
When Betty lived with us, there were many tantrums thrown about the house rules. Things like why she couldn’t have wild parties at the house, why did she have to load the dishwasher without being paid, or why we bought our son a laptop that he needed for school but wouldn’t give her a dime to go to Coachella.
Luke and I explained to Betty that she is not owed “fun funds” from us. We will not pay her for doing chores because she will have to do chores regardless of whose house she lives in. She is an adult, and once she moves out and pays for her own things (housing, utilities, car insurance, gas, groceries, etc.), then she can do whatever she wants.
Since moving out, Betty has frequently asked us for money because she either cannot afford to do something fun with her friends, or she doesn’t have time to because of work. Luke and I always refuse because vacations and nights out aren’t a need, and being an adult means you don’t get to hang out with your friends or go do expensive things all the time.
We went out to lunch with Betty last week and she asked to live with us again. Luke and I said that as long as she honored the following stipulations, we were more than happy to let her return home:
Pay rent every month ($500 that covers groceries and utilities as well) or be in school.
If she chooses to be in school, we will pay for her schooling and any tutors, but she must take her education seriously and earn passing grades.
Do fair share of chores (Load and unload the dishwasher, clean the pool, wipe the kitchen counter and stove, and help put away groceries).
No wild parties at the house.
No illegal substances.
No smoking of any kind. If she wants to smoke, do it somewhere else.
Betty said she refused to agree to these rules. So we told her okay. That is her choice to make and it is also our choice to not allow her to move back in.
Betty tried to start an argument but Luke and I weren’t playing along. We told Betty that she is 25 and it’s time for her to grow up. She needs to accept now that this is reality and get used to handling her own adult things.
My in-laws and a friend of Betty’s have reached out to tell Luke and me that we are jerks. They said they couldn’t believe we were charging Betty rent, let alone asking her to do chores on top of it because she’s our child and don’t we love her?
Betty is our child and we love her. Nothing will change that. At the same time, Betty is a grown adult. People aren’t going to fund and enable her to just have fun all the time, even and especially not us. Luke and I don’t understand how multiple people think this is selfish or unreasonable.
So I’m looking for neutral perspectives on here.
To answer the question of why Betty has this mentality that Luke and I should enable her to have fun all day, Betty’s biological father has unfortunately caused her to develop this attitude. He insists that my husband and I should pay for Betty to have fun all day and handle her responsibilities yet isn’t willing to actually do it himself.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I can’t decide what irks me more – the entitlement from your daughter or the overstepping of your in-laws.
First, as you noted, Betty is an adult. I am curious which of the parameters you laid out she has an issue with – since most of them are expectations she’d face in a normal lease.
I think your stipulations are extremely reasonable (provided the rent you mentioned is reasonable for the cost of living in the area).
Second, it could be worth encouraging Betty to see a counselor or therapist – since it does sound like she could use a bit more direction in thinking about her future.
Having the support of a professional (and neutral party) might help.
Lastly, it is your house! The idea that you somehow don’t love your child because you expect them to be an independent and contributing member of society is just silly. Plus, it is absolutely none of their business anyhow.
A suitable response might be to ask them if their love would extend to having Betty live with them instead (with all the freedoms and financial support she’s asking for).” alisonds
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She sounds like a bum…no offense. At 25 she should not be asking her parents for money so she can “go out and have fun.”
When I graduated college (2008), I immediately landed a job in my hometown. I had no savings, so out of convenience, I moved back home for a year.
I set the stipulations. We were roommates, I would pay for my rent. We also agreed that rent would cover food because my mom liked to cook and I liked to eat her cooking.
I would help out around the house, mostly repairs. I could come and go as I pleased. We got to enjoy our old life but with boundaries. Funnily enough, I showed up with a motorcycle one day. She hated it, but I’m my own person.
In 1 year, I found a house and qualified for an FHA Loan. Granted I lucked out to buy my first home in 2009 during the housing crash. I acknowledge that things are RIDICULOUSLY expensive and many Millennials and Zoomers are having a tough time being independent.
I have no problem with the idea of young adults moving back home in this economy, but boundaries. You should respect each other as adults. She shouldn’t be hitting you up for club money or trying to have parties at your house. She should be pulling her weight and paying rent.” BadkarmaM5
Another User Comments:
“I’m sorry, but YTJ.
Why are you only dealing with this issue now that she’s 25?
Regardless of what her father says to her, it sounds like she’s lived primarily with you. Yet it’s got this bad? I’m sorry to be harsh, but you and your husband have failed your daughter in important ways and are in denial about the responsibility you both share for her current state.
If she’s grown up mainly with you, then you have to own up to what the two of you have done badly wrong and tackle that at the root, with yourselves, before you can be decent parents to her. It’s not too late. If you’re brave and face up to your own issues, you can change and still make a positive impact on her life.
But the window is closing fast.
If she was actually living primarily with her father, then fair enough, you’re only getting to be full parents now. Is that actually the case, though?” MarnOo
5. AITJ For Not Wanting My Fiance's Family At Our Daughter's First Birthday Party?
Part of being a parent is sucking things up that you don’t enjoy and dealing with people you may not like for the benefit of your child and family in general.
“I (23F) have been planning our daughter’s first birthday since, well, she was born. I have been stressing it as it was 6 months away. My fiancé (25M) has a very small family with no children as our daughter was the first grandchild and child in the last 20 years.
However, my family is FULL of kids. I invited everyone who has children in my family who’s at least visited once in the last year, which is ALL the kids attending (11) and followed with inviting my dad, her grandfather.
Anyway, I reached out to my fiancé’s sister back when my daughter turned 6 months after she canceled the “day of” photoshoot of her half birthday.
I told her not to bring her camera to her first birthday and just to be a guest. ONLY his mother had visited our daughter in the past YEAR. Not his sister, aunt, or grandparents. So I invited his mother to the first birthday, and she’s been very helpful in planning.
Her birthday is in 4 days, and I told him, “I don’t know if you invited anyone from your family, but I didn’t,” and he acted shocked. I explained I invited people with children and anyone who’s visited. But he seemed upset. I don’t have a way to even invite his family if I wanted to outside of his mom.
I didn’t want to anyway. They don’t see her. They don’t know her, and she doesn’t know them. They make no effort. So I told him he’s welcome to ask them whatever, but it’s not in the budget, and he’d have to figure it out as I’ve figured out the 23 other guest arrangements.
Now he’s not talking to me, but I feel like I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s HIS family, and they should know when her birthday is and/or at any point could’ve reached out to ask him if we have plans.
I don’t even know what they’re planning on doing as it’s at a children’s play area, small slides, small toys, climbing areas, all for children. Am I the jerk for not inviting HIS family?
I have nonstop told him every person and detail along the way.
HE never once mentioned inviting them. I invited his mother and she never once mentioned inviting anyone from the family just asked to bring a friend I don’t know, I’ve told his entire family when our daughter was 6 months about her first birthday and clarified to his sister not to bring a camera and just to be a guest. And told them what day MONTHS in advance.
(I am autistic sorry I can’t empathize).”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s not “HIS family;” it’s your daughter’s family. And if you get married, they’ll be your family too –to be honest, if you have a child with him, they’re already your family anyway.
You are entitled to dislike them. But you shouldn’t let that affect their relationship with your child. I understand they haven’t visited, and that could very well be an indicator of a persistent lack of interest. But at this point, she’s only been in the world for one year.
Way too early for you to be arriving to conclusions and playing petty games.
You’ve been planning this for 6 months, and you only thought of telling your fiancé so casually, that you didn’t invite his family? Come on, now. You did that on purpose. Even if he invites them now, they’ll know it’s last minute, and they’ll feel unwanted. Which is exactly what you want.
On a side note, I think your fiancé is a bit of a jerk for not taking a more active part in planning this event. But to be honest, your post gives me controlling vibes and I get the impression you have been solo planning this mostly out of preference (and he probably enjoyed not being asked to be involved).
Still, that doesn’t give you a right to unilaterally decide his family is to be excluded. That’s why I’m not voting ESH.
And don’t insult anyone’s intelligence by saying you don’t know why they’d like to attend a child play area party being adults. You invited your father who is an adult and presumably doesn’t have small children, and you thought that was fine.
You even made a point to call him “her grandfather.” Well, those other childless adults you excluded are also your daughter’s aunt and other relatives.
Overall, you’re making this child’s birthday about you and what you want. She might be a baby, but it’s good practice to remember it’s HER birthday and the guests should be HER family, to celebrate HER.” Jolly_Tooth_7274
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
It’s not rocket science to know that chances are your fiance would want to have his family included in your daughter’s first birthday and as the one planning it, if you didn’t have contact info or wasn’t sure if they should be invited, you should have spoken to him.
Unless they have done something that actually warrants cutting them out, he gets to make decisions about his family attending the event.
He also could have communicated more clearly with you and asked about his family. He also has the capability to speak up.
“I don’t even know what they’re planning on doing as it’s at a children’s play area, small slides, small toys, climbing areas, all for children.”
Oh, I don’t know, spend time with the family? It’s not like your 1-year-old is going to be running around doing those things without the help of an adult.” coastalkid92
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
For literally every part of this but MOSTLY for this:
“I am autistic sorry I can’t empathize.”
As an autistic person myself, what a disgusting, untrue, crappy excuse. Being autistic doesn’t mean that you “can’t empathize.” I don’t know who told you that, but it’s absolute nonsense.
Might you struggle with experiential empathy and putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and seeing things from their perspective?
Absolutely. It doesn’t mean that you CAN’T, it means that it doesn’t come naturally to you and that you (like I) HAVE TO TRY HARDER and make more of an active effort to do so… ESPECIALLY when it comes to your life partner and how things might affect him.
Otherwise, you might as well not be in a relationship.
The notion that autistic people are not and cannot be empathetic is outdated bullcrap. We have plenty of emotional empathy (many of us are actually hyperempathetic), and while autism does usually come with a tendency towards literal self-centredness and struggling to see things from perspectives outside of our lived experience, it is ABSOLUTELY POSSIBLE TO DO SO.
You just need to actually bother trying.
YTJ for only thinking of yourself, what you wanted, and how you thought this should go, and not even BEGINNING to communicate or consider your partner in a celebration of your shared child. The way you have approached this entire thing seems like you are not part of a nuclear family or a partnership at all.
It is not the potential guests’ job to chase after you and ask you whether you’re planning a party. And it’s not his job to invite his family if you’re the one planning the party.
You made weird, arbitrary rules about who to invite basically so you could cut out his entire side of the family.
Why not just call this what it was: a family reunion for your side of the family. I don’t even know why you’re engaged, since you clearly have no interest in actually building a family with him.
YTJ for every single part of this, but mostly for blaming being autistic for your awful behavior.
That is not how any of that works. Plenty of us are VERY, VERY autistic and still kind, thoughtful, and inclusive of others.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
4. AITJ For Giving My Son's Christmas Gifts Away For Being Rude?
“I’m a mother of 3 kids. My son, who is 13 is the oldest of 3. I also have 2 younger daughters ages 9 and 4.
Despite us not having too much in savings, we did the best we could to make sure all 3 of our kids had the best holiday we could ever possibly give them. My 7-year-old daughter wanted Harry Potter books, so I got her a Kindle and the full Harry Potter set.
My son wanted a PS5 and a guitar for Christmas, and we have tried for years to get our hands on a PS5, but they were never in stock online or at the store. In the meantime, I have saved up to buy one for him.
Just before Christmas, his dad and I got him a PS5, a guitar, plus a year of lessons from Fender. We never told him we got anything, so we really wanted this to be a surprise for him.
We have a very big and close family and every holiday we get together for dinner, exchanging presents, etc. and this coming Christmas was no different, except the kids won’t get their $100 like they do every year since my father, who gives them money every year, is in the hospital. It was time to get the kids together to open presents.
His aunt and grandmother had some presents for my kids. The girls had makeup, jewelry, and small things from them. My son got socks and a watch from them. This was before he opened the rest of his presents. My son went into a brief tirade and made it clear that he didn’t like it and wanted his PS5 and $100.
My sister and MIL were taken aback.
Without saying anything, I grabbed the rest of his unopened presents with his name on them and gave them to my 11-year-old nephew, who then opened the presents and was happy to get a PS5 and a guitar.
My son cried, told me he hates me, and ran to his room. I was going to pull him and talk to him privately anyway. I went to his room to briefly explain to him why I gave his presents to his cousin. He made an extremely rude comment about the presents he received. I told him that he didn’t have to like the presents, but he needs to be graceful about it and say thank you, and expressing dislike is really rude.
Told him that I was taking away his Nintendo Switch, and he will lose computer and game privileges for a month with an apology required at the end.
My son started screaming at me to go away and he hates me. Which I left to spend the rest of the day with family.
My sister told me that I didn’t need to give her son his presents as he has plenty of gifts at home. I told her it was ok, and I apologized to her, and I would make sure my son makes amends for what he said.
Thinking back, I felt I was too harsh on him and never took his ADHD and autism into account when I punished him, on top of the fact that he is the only person who got nothing for Christmas. And my son’s been depressed since then.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I think you would have been correct in taking the gifts away for the day. Giving them to his cousin makes no sense though as now he can never have them. Generally, with punishments, you want to encourage a change and chance for them to earn their way back.
With no way of ever getting these back (you will be the biggest jerk if you punished the cousin and stole them back), I don’t see why he’d care to change.
There’s not really much you can do to fix this. All that effort to make him happy, and now he’s going to resent you instead.
Not to mention, PS5s aren’t easy to come by.
I can only imagine being the cousin and getting that gift. You’d be over the moon, but you’d also know your cousin will be mad at you and that you can’t be excited with them about it.
Bad play on this one, I’m afraid. I hope you can reconcile with your son and apologize for going too far. As much as he needs to adjust how he reacts, he has to learn the correct behavior from somewhere, and admitting to him that you realize you were wrong would be the best start.” sejame85
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. In what universe do you give away your child’s gift to their own cousin in front of them as a punishment? I thought you were going to say he said something truly horrible to his cousin but no, he acted like a brat and you decided to publicly shame him in the worst possible way.
That reaction is so over the top that I am positive your son’s behavior in the moment was learned from you and the emotional outbursts that you undoubtedly have.
You should’ve pulled him aside and told him his behavior was unacceptable and to apologize and that you were unsure if he was going to get the rest of his gifts, then waited until you felt he actually learned his lesson to give him his gifts.
Now he’ll never learn anything because he has a very good reason to be angry with you. The cherry on top is that he’s probably going to be resentful of his cousin until he’s an adult, so good job destroying that relationship.” Aggressive_Ris
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, my brother and daughter are autistic and have ADHD. Consequences MUST be reinforced because otherwise they just don’t learn. Yes, he has no filter because of autism but society doesn’t care if he’s a jerk because of autism, he won’t get second chances as an adult.
He’s old enough to learn.” babesalright
3. AITJ For Wanting My Wife To Dress Nicer?
It’s one thing if she specifically asked for advice on her wardrobe.
“My wife (35F) and I (36M) were lucky enough to survive the past few years relatively well: we had jobs that allowed us to work from home since 2020, and we both had a roof over our heads and our families are OK.
My wife gained a lot of weight over the past few years due to multiple health problems (which are thankfully resolved now!) and was very sensitive about her appearance. A lot of her old clothes didn’t fit her anymore, but it wasn’t a major issue at the time due to working from home and such, and she could join Zoom meetings with the camera off.
As things started opening up again, I tried suggesting to her that she buy clothes that fit, but she always pushed back because she hated buying clothes in person and was embarrassed about her weight gain, so she didn’t want the disappointment of not finding any clothes that fit.
I would always hate it when we’d go somewhere and her pants wouldn’t fit or her belly would show because her shirt was too short, but she’d always brush me off.
She’s lost a lot of weight in the past six months and is able to fit in her old clothes, which is a relief for both of us.
However, she recently got a better job that requires in-person meetings and more responsibilities, and I worry that her clothes don’t reflect the promotion. I’ve been encouraging her to buy more professional clothing, since her old clothes are from her old job when she had a lower-status job and I want her to make a good impression.
We are on her health insurance, and I worry that we’ll lose our health insurance if she’s fired due to inappropriate attire (I have a medical condition that requires me to take medications every day, so we need to be on a good health insurance plan).
However, whenever I ask her about buying nicer clothes, she says I’m objectifying her as a woman and that I’m the jerk for caring more.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and a walking red flag. I can see the effort you put into trying to sound like you “care about her”… it’s the same tactic that all controlling people use all the time.
The old “I only do it because I love you/I do it for your own benefit.” But most people can see through it. Including your wife.
Her image is not under your domain. That includes her weight, the clothes she buys and wears, her hairstyle, etc. All that is for her to decide what to do with.
Your excuse for pushing her to buy new clothes this time around is ridiculous, too. She won’t be fired for inappropriate attire, unless she goes to work in a bathing suit or something, which clearly isn’t the case.
I love how even when you want to make a case of “this isn’t just me being controlling, this is a serious issue” you can’t help to be 100% self-centered. Instead of making it about her career, or how losing a job could affect her health again, or anything, you make it about how YOU cannot lose her medical insurance because YOU have a medical condition.
Laughing my butt off.
You have no power over her. Deal with it.” Jolly_Tooth_7274
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk. I think the weight gain story was to share that time has passed and she’s now in a better role? Like they used to be appropriate and now you think she should have something nicer?
Not totally sure where you were going with that but I don’t think you’re objectifying women with this suggestion unless you’re telling her she must wear dresses all the time – many men also choose to start wearing a suit when promoted to a certain level, for example.
I get the impression that you’re proud of her across the board.
And I do think that people who think it doesn’t matter are naive, but that’s their business.
But ultimately, you’re not going to win any points if you continue this crusade.
You’ve made your point, she doesn’t agree, time to drop it.” Feeling-Visit1472
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for the way you are approaching it. She has been telling you in a way you are not grasping that she is uncomfortable with her body and discussing it or her attire.
You are now adding this weird dress thing for the next level as a justification to that she may be fired which will mean you will lose your health care and ability to care for yourself. Spoiler alert: unless you are in a role that has specific attire requirements unless you are deviating from them or wear inappropriate clothes (such as curse words, hate symbols, adult images), most people don’t get fired.
If you were truly trying to be supportive you would ask her about the new role and what the dynamics are there. She is smart enough and savvy enough to apply and land that promotion.
If she were to comment that folks dress differently than in her previous role you can suggest her using a personal shopper at a store like Nordstrom or Macy’s where they have a wide array of sizing and can give her some ideas and pick things that are her size so that she can regain the confidence she may have lost during that period of time.” Little_Hippo_Unicorn
2. AITJ For Implying That My Brother And His Wife Would Be Horrible Parents?
“My brother (28m) has been married to my SIL (26f) for over 3 years now.
Well, my brother had a dog. His name was Buddy. He was a golden retriever. Really nice dog, he was always behaved and didn’t bark that much. 10 months after they got him, Buddy died. It was a sad moment for me.
However, my brother and SIL acted like they didn’t even care. I asked them what caused him to die and they said natural causes. I said okay and moved on with our lives.
The next thing I know is that they got another dog. He was a German Shepherd and they named him Max.
Honestly, he reminded me of Buddy, but he barked a little more than him. When I went to visit, Max looked healthy and his tail was wagging. I visited every week and every time I visited, Max started to look a little skinny. He stopped barking and he was just lying there.
The next thing I know is that Max started to vomit. My brother and SIL told me not to worry because he’s “just sick.” And honestly, that response made me really angry. I picked up Max and brought him to the vet. Turned out that Max was really sick and that he might not make it another week.
I was really angry at my brother and SIL. Thankfully, Max didn’t die.
I went to my brother’s house and asked them if I can keep Max and they agreed. He then proceeded to tell me that they were gonna give him away anyway since they were gonna have a baby.
My blood started to boil out of anger and finally had the courage to tell them both in their faces that if they can’t take care of a dog, then they’re not ready to have a freaking baby. My SIL looked at me like she hated my guts and my brother told me to get the heck out.
My brother texted me that night saying I was such a jerk for hurting their feelings. Then I got a text from my mom that night too. She was on their side. And it went from my mom to my Aunt, then my aunt to the rest of the family.
I basically now created a WWIII of me versus my whole family. Honestly, I don’t regret anything that I said. It was the truth. If you can’t take care of one animal that just needs to be walked and fed then you’re not ready to take care of a baby that needs 2x than a dog.
I haven’t spoken to my brother or my SIL for weeks. Matter of fact, any of my family members except for my cousin who was on my side. It seems like I’m the villain here and everyone hates my guts, but I don’t care. I probably saved that baby’s life they were planning to have.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, OP. People severely underestimate how much work a pet is, and they are worse when it comes to underestimating the amount of work they have to put into a child. I had a couple of friends who got a puppy and within two weeks started crying (literally, sobbing with napkins out and everything) anytime the dog was mentioned because they were ‘mourning’ the loss of the life they used to live before him.
We found him a good family and asked the couple to give him up, which they did immediately, and then called us jerks for telling them not to get another pet. They’re thinking of trying for a child, and my parents told them to think about it really hard because having a child will change lives way more than a dog or a cat.
I’ve babysat my nieces and nephews before, and it’s easier to deal with five dogs than it is to handle one child. And while dogs calm down as they grow older, kids get more and more difficult. I don’t know why people are so obsessed with becoming parents, but some people are simply not meant for parenthood.
It might suck for them, but they have to start putting the kid first before the kid even exists.” IllegallyBored
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’ve found dog ownership/training skills to be a fairly reliable predictor of parenting abilities to small children. You’re dealing with a messy, noisy, impulsive being that responds well to praise, treats, and consistent boundaries, and who really does want to please most of the time, even though they also want to do whatever fun thing pops into their head.
They can be well-adjusted and delightful or an out-of-control terror or something in between. Their personality and energy levels are their own, and a bit of a crapshoot, so they may have slightly different emotional needs, but they all need a healthy diet and good medical care.
There’s a lot of overlap, and the skills to deal calmly and effectively with one translate well to the other.
Neglect and maltreatment don’t magically improve because they swap in a baby for the dog. They MIGHT view the baby as less “disposable” and “replaceable” and try to provide better care, but do you really want to bet a baby’s life on that wager?” Tazlima
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You can tell them they’re bad dog owners, but telling someone who decided they’re having a kid that they’re going to be bad parents is a jerk move. Especially because you know it won’t change their minds about having a kid.” ThisOneForMee
1. AITJ For Telling Everyone My Sister Is Pregnant Just So She Wouldn't Announce It At My Wedding?
“I (28F) and my fiance (31M) have been preparing for our wedding for about 2ish years now, since the start of 2020, due to financial issues. We decided it wasn’t worth the expense to hire a professional wedding planner, so I’ve been the one taking care of things.
The wedding is in February (if this information is useful).
Last week my sister (30) and my niece (4) were over at our house like usual. My sister and I aren’t particularly close in the way I think most sisters are, though I obviously love my sister very much, sometimes our personalities clash and we rub each other the wrong way at times, causing petty arguments like this one.
My sister had told me that she was pregnant, around 7 weeks, and I was very excited for her, beginning to ask questions. It was a nice moment until I asked who she’d told. My sister answered her husband, and now me, but that she wanted to reveal her pregnancy to our entire family at my wedding since everyone would be there.
My heart sank. I could understand why, since as she said, everyone would be there. But couldn’t she have told over a call like she did last time? I didn’t and still don’t understand why she feels she needs to do it at my wedding.
What really annoyed me though was that her tone was more of a ‘I’m planning to announce it then’ rather than a ‘Can I announce it then?’, which I would’ve said no to anyway.
I just don’t think it’s fair when I’ve spent so much time and energy into this wedding for her to say something that would most definitely switch the attention onto her.
She continued to ramble on about her pregnancy whilst I just kind of stood there until her voice got aggravating enough to the point I asked her to leave my house. She was very confused and I told her I didn’t want her to announce her pregnancy at my wedding.
That seemed to make her mad because she started going at me, saying that as a sister I should be supportive of her. Which I am, just not at the expense of my wedding. After about 10 minutes of back and forth, I eventually told her that if she couldn’t handle what I wanted at my wedding, then she wouldn’t be invited anymore.
The day after my mom called me, yelling at me for my sister being upset and how I was heartless for uninviting her to the wedding. It was really early in the morning and I wasn’t up for yelling, so I simply told my mom exactly how it was and why she got kicked out, to which she was stunned and hung up.
A few hours after I received a very long and angry text from my sister about how I told everyone about her pregnancy, calling me a jerk for ruining the surprise and how she didn’t want anyone except a select few to know this early in case of miscarriage.
I haven’t responded since I’m still kind of angry at her, but at the same time, I feel bad knowing that my mom was probably the one to tell after I told her and that I was one of the few that my sister told, thinking it would be kept secret.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No, no, no. You do not hijack someone else’s special occasion. End of story. You definitely do not TELL them that you’re going to do it. How would she feel if she had a gender reveal for her first child and you announced your engagement?” Top-Put2038
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While I think the obsession with not upstaging events with more fun news is sad (happiness isn’t a pie, you can always have more!!!), your sister did this to herself by not respecting what is a really common feeling (don’t announce crap at other people’s weddings, baby showers, birthdays, etc), and sent your mom after you with incomplete information.
It was her own dang fault.
My parents announced their engagement at my uncle’s wedding. BUT they talked to the bride and groom in advance, and there was this whole thing where they arranged for my parents to catch the bouquet and garter belt.
It’s cute.” lawbaker
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because you aren’t just spoiling a moment, you are putting her in a place where now if she has a miscarriage she has to tell everyone. Turning something horrible that should be a private moment into everyone’s spectacle.
That’s a cruel and unusual punishment.
Regardless of how the pregnancy turns out, I wouldn’t expect to ever be the person she confides in again. I would expect your relationship to be LC from now on. And to be fair that may be for the best for everyone idk.
Also, she only talked about potentially doing something that you feel would ruin your special moment, you don’t know that she would have actually done it once she found out you were uncomfortable with it. However, you did punish her in this extremely cruel way.” throeawww
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