People Prompt Our Opinions On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

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When you're dealing with a jerk, you're never driving on a two-way street. Jerks will always try to make it seem like you're the one in the wrong, and they have all the evidence pointing toward them being the good guy. In that case, relationships with jerks are always one-sided -- they're right, you're wrong, and no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Or is there? Read on and let us know who you think the jerk is. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk YTJ = You're the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? EHS = Everyone here sucks

17. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner's Brother In The House?

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“My partner (23) and I (22) moved in together 8 months ago. Her brother (21) had dropped out of college and was working in the same city as us but moved back with his dad when his lease was over, which is in a different town. He decided that he would keep his job and have his grandpa drive him since his grandpa works in the same city as us.

Their grandpa is semi-retired, he works Monday-Thursday, so her brother can only work those days, but he has no bills to pay other than paying back his student loans. At some point he messaged my partner and asked if he could stay with us for a week so he could work, she asked me and I was on board, thinking that this might happen every once in a while.

Also, we have a spare bedroom but it’s my office, with my PC. At the time I was doing my internship so I didn’t have much work to do at home. As time went by, the visits got more frequent, and I started school again, so I needed the office.

When he started asking to come and stay with us during school I was like whatever it’s going to be this once and it will be over, but then he asked again, and during my midterms, keep in mind these are not short two-day visits.

I started to get more and more frustrated because this is my last semester in school and I just needed my space, I would go and spend upwards of 14 hours at school because I did not get my space or privacy at home. He sleeps until 2 pm, is very loud and aggressive, and is not observant about how we go about our day-to-day lives.

I had a chat with my partner about this and suggested he maybe find a place here if he really likes his job, find another job where he lives, or get his driver’s license. She had a talk with him, and he would just shake his head. She then went on and started to look for places for him every day, and sent him whatever she found appropriate, she also suggested that if any of the places she sent appealed to him that he should jump on them because they go quick, and he just brushes it off.

Today, we get a message that he has to stay with us again, this is the third time in one month, keep in mind he does not pitch in on groceries or anything while he is here.

I tried to have a conversation with my partner but she got frustrated and started questioning our future living together because she thinks I am not welcoming.

When he first asked to come and stay with us my partner complimented me on being so nice and patient with the whole situation, since I would hang out with him all the time because she would be at work.

But now all of a sudden because I am starting to feel like this is taking a toll on me, I am the jerk. Our apartment is tiny. I don’t know if I’m doing something wrong here, and if not how to approach her without seeming like I don’t want to help.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

You are the one who should be questioning your future with HER. How can she be so unwelcoming about your feelings on this matter? It’s a tiny apartment and your shared home.

He will be staying long enough to establish tenancy for gosh sakes.” FireSafety101

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Crashers suck so bad, bc it always starts off fine, but then you suddenly have an extra roommate not paying for anything, but absolutely taking up a whole person’s space AND eating your food AND using your toilet.

Next time he “needs” to come to town, tell him he can’t stay with you anymore and that he will have to find a different arrangement elsewhere. Don’t explain. Don’t try to justify it. Don’t apologize. Just tell him no.” Renzieface

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, if he keeps doing this you should let your partner know he either needs to pay rent the days he stays over or have him somehow contribute to the household. If she doesn’t agree then maybe it’s time to evaluate if you would work out as a couple as your sense of privacy and values differ.” pandab00p

4 points (4 votes)
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Squidmom 4 months ago
Who does that. Seriously. You need your office. If she wants to live with her brother then she needs to go do that.
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16. WIBTJ If I Was Honest To My Dad's Pregnant Partner?

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“A week or two ago my father (48) told me (16m) his partner, P (no idea how old but I assume younger than my dad) was pregnant and I couldn’t tell anyone yet because the first two months chances are bigger it can go wrong. We talked a little about it, he told me he didn’t really want the baby, but P does.

“But then again, I’m old so this would probably be the last time I have the chance”. They did use protection, according to my dad. I simply told him I wouldn’t be changing diapers (my dad never changed mine when I was growing up either). I’m TERRIFIED of babies as they’re just so fragile and breakable and it scares me.

So the thing is I’ve gone through a lot. I lost my mother when I was 12 and before she died I had no contact with my father for a while because of stuff I’ve suppressed and won’t bring up again just for this. Lived in foster families after running away from my half-bro (same mom) after a big fight.

Eventually, I ended up getting in contact with my father again and everything seemed great.

Like two years later after resuming contact I was allowed to live with him after so many times of going to court and talking to CPS and all that stuff. It was just rough. I’ve been living with him for over a year now.

There are a lot of things happening again that made me cut contact with him when I was younger.

He’s just plain old emotionally draining. About 6 months ago or something he got a partner. She’s nice. Does basically CPS work things but not for CPS? I dunno, I’m bad at explaining. I’ve been very honest with her about how I feel about my father, and she’s witnessed plenty of fights and if she’s not there for them I tell her about them later because they eat me up and she actually listens.

She asks questions and is just amazing. She’s nowhere near as amazing as my mom was, as that’s impossible. But she’s as amazing as she can be and she has agreed that my father is very emotionally abusive towards me.

She hasn’t been here for a while, no idea if the pregnancy has to do with it, but my father did text her that he told me (I made him do it because I think it’s really important as it’s also a big thing for her).

So I know that when she’s here she’s gonna ask how I feel about it all.

I honestly feel bad for her and the kid. They deserve better than my father. My dad has a booze addiction (has been for as long as I can remember) and now has also started using illegal substances not too long ago.

I know he’s gonna be a terrible caretaker, that he won’t do much in terms of helping P, and that he’s gonna make everything terrible for her. I just… I don’t want that kid going through what I went through. I don’t believe at all that my father is going to change.

WIBTJ for being honest to her like usual?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

You’ve been through a lot already at your age — and all of the thoughts you’re having are perfectly normal and reasonable. You’re thinking about this logically — and you should absolutely continue to be honest with your dad’s partner.

If your dad reacts badly, you should know that you don’t have to put up with that for much longer – and you’ve done nothing wrong.

Good luck!” jmgolden33

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, she’s an adult and her being pregnant does not take away from her being an adult. Yes, there are risks in the first couple of months but this is often because there’s something wrong with the baby’s development, not due to a stressful conversation.” FriendlyMum

4 points (4 votes)
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Gamergirl 4 months ago
Ntj. She needs warning.. but it seems she's happy in her situation
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15. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be Around My Stepsister?

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“Long story short, my dad remarried and the wife and son (16) live there full-time but the older sister (25) lives in Russia. I actually really get along with my new stepbrother, my stepsister is a different story. They told me my step-sister was coming so they kicked me out of my room, made me clean it, new sheets, take my stuff out, etc., and put me in an attic room with no AC that was stacked with old blankets and pillows.

It took me four hours and multiple trips to the barn to clean out, I think I ended up with 23 vacuum storage bags worth.

Anyway, I meet her and we don’t get along too well. Mostly because she WON’T learn any English and I don’t know any Russian (not for long).

Also, we live on a farm with animals so the more hands we can get the better.

Her mom asked her to change the chicken’s water and she starts screaming and crying, then threw her phone and went inside to cry.

We had to go to the store to get some groceries (her, stepbrother, me) and she lied and said I left them for the whole time and that’s why she got the wrong stuff.

I left for a max of two minutes to get face wipes (her brother even backed me up on this) and was with them for the rest of the trip while they argued in Russian over shrimp. Which, had they asked, I could have helped.

She also ate the chips that I bought with my partner and then started complaining when I started labeling my food (they were the more expensive chips at the store and I didn’t even get to eat one, that’s why I labeled them).

My stepbrother, she and I went to the lake and they talked in Russian the whole time and she never once addressed me even when we were lost and simply asking me would have solved a thirty-minute argument (I actually understood a bit of that argument and tried to help but they both ignored me).

She is a massive smoker and sometimes stays up until 2 AM smoking outside, which is bad because my dad and stepmom are trying to stop smoking and now the wood deck reeks of smoke and it gives them cravings.

She always complains about all the work she does even though she eats all of our food and sits on her butt the whole day.

She looks at me like I am garbage even though I work for several hours a day out in the fields while she watches Russian dramas and naps. We went shopping and she bought $1,000 worth of clothing and made her mom pay, actually, she makes her mom pay for everything, even for the flowers for Mother’s Day.

She makes my dad buy expensive things to help her lose weight and doesn’t use them.

She always gains a lot when she’s in America because she doesn’t do anything but eat and occasionally do dishes.

When I am with my dad and she isn’t there, it is drama free. My stepfamily and I get along, it’s great. But as soon as she comes back to America it’s always horrible.

So I asked my dad if I can visit when she is not there, AITJ for that?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, your stepsister sounds horrible and extremely entitled.

A 25-year-old adult has no business behaving like a spoiled toddler and your dad and stepmother should not be enabling her.

Have you brought up your issues with her to your dad and stepmom? You have every right to enjoy your family without her presence. If your dad has a problem with you not seeing her, let him know the mistreatment you face from her.” chakroueng

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

At all. You aren’t a jerk for not wanting to be around people who mistreat you. They may call you a jerk, but that is really just them being upset that you won’t allow yourself to be the doormat she walks all over.

What was their reasoning behind kicking you out of your room?” Anndee123

4 points (4 votes)
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Breezer2800 4 months ago
NTJ. OP is not obligated to be around people that treat them like garbage, and since their father and stepmother clearly aren't going to do anything about the stepsister's behavior, then OP should just refuse to be there when she is.
It's not like OP gets to sleep in their room when the stepsister is there anyway.
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14. AITJ For Wanting My Partner To Throw Out Something I'm Allergic To?

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“Three things you should know before I begin:

  1. My partner is a delightful human who happens to prefer locally made products, especially products without plastic packaging.
  2. My partner and I live together.
  3. I have a life-threatening allergy to avocado, for which I have an epi-pen.

So we’re in Bulk Barn the other day, and he finds these handmade bars of soap in the back.

He starts picking them up and sniffing. Finds one he likes, and chucks it in the shopping basket.

Anytime I try a new packaged product, I have to read the label. If I ingest avocado or avo oil, I go into anaphylactic shock and then I die. And in this post-Millennial world, let me tell you, everything seems to have avo in it.

Everything.

So I pick up the soap carefully. It’s wrapped in small light cardboard, and the majority of the bar is exposed. I eye over the ingredients list; lo and behold, it contains avocado oil. I show him and he’s bummed.

Now, one detail about my allergy: cross-contamination is an issue, but not a huge one.

Like, if you used a knife on an avo and wiped it off and sliced something that I was to later eat, I would for sure need a Benadryl but I would not likely go into ana-shock.

Back to the story. He starts asking if he can get it anyway, and maybe we can put a second soap dish in the shower? Or maybe he can just put it in his travel case and he can use it only when he goes on work trips?

I really don’t like to tell people what to do.

I do like to give them as much information as possible and give them the chance to make a good choice. So I tell him, that touching the soap won’t hurt me but if suds touch my eye/mouth, then I am in some trouble. I tell him that this makes me nervous, and am noticeably uncomfortable with this even being an issue.

But it is technically his house and I’m not going to tell him what he can(‘t) buy.

He leaves it in the shopping basket and decides that he’ll buy it, and keep it in his travel bag. The chances that I will come to contact with the bar in a life-threatening way are low, as long as I remember it’s there.

I mean, we do travel together and would usually share soap, so I just have to super remember not to use his soap, and not to use soap that’s been in his soap case.

I’m not happy that he bought it, and am now wanting to ask him to turf the bar.

The reasons that I want him to turf it are almost completely related to me feeling like it’s maybe a bit insensitive that he would bring this thing that could literally kill me into our home.

I’m feeling like maybe his desire to smell like eucalyptus and pine outweighs my desire to live without the fear of encountering unnecessary danger.

I did also suggest that he bring it to work, and maybe just use it at work, where I am guaranteed never to be.

Am I the jerk if I tell him to chuck the soap?”

Another User Comments:

“ESH.

Mildly for you, and definitely him more than you. He shouldn’t have bought that soap. He’s not going to die if he doesn’t have that soap. You, on the other hand, possibly could or at the least suffer an allergic reaction. He really should have known buying it was not the right thing to do, and shouldn’t have wanted to risk your health for some soap.

However, you absolutely in this instance could have told him not to buy it in the first place. Allowing him to buy it without just saying, “Please don’t buy this,” then turning around and asking him to throw it out just seems like a waste. He absolutely should get rid of it, but it would have been better to do the thing you don’t like doing (I get that) and tell him in this instance what to do.

If he had a negative reaction to that, so be it, but at least you wouldn’t end up with an allergic reaction.

Anyway, he should chuck the soap and you should let him know you don’t like how he ranked your health as less important than a bar of soap.” MidnightTL

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Given the severity of your allergy, there is absolutely no need to have that thing in your house or in your shower and it’s baffling to me that he’d decide to buy it when it has the potential to harm you. That’s like going ‘well, I could buy this bar of soap, or I could buy this bar of soap with razor blades in it somewhere’.

WHY BUY THE RAZORBLADE SOAP? What about this soap makes it exponentially better than, say, literally any soap that doesn’t have the potential to harm you?

There is a LOT of handmade and all-natural soap available out there nowadays, and having made soap for a few years myself? Avocado ain’t even all that great as oils in soap go.

I can think of four or five others that are way better for a buck in just about any category.

Anyway! Ask him to get rid of it. If you really feel like he’d be upset, maybe find and purchase an alternative with similar scents. If he likes pine and eucalyptus, I bet he’d love a pine tar soap and they’re great for the skin.

But you shouldn’t have to be afraid to take a shower. Or to help him pack for travel or whatever. Something like that is honestly just asking for an accident to happen.” AshurBadaktu

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. My partner has a gradually-worsening allergy to fish. I LOVE fish. I cooked it all the time when I lived alone, I love fish dips and fish and chips and ceviche and sushi and tuna sandwiches and caviar and…

basically everything that swims.

I have never brought fish into the house we share together, and when we discovered that the crab at the local deli is prepared on the same counters as the fish (after a terrifying allergic reaction) we have sworn off all fresh/deli shellfish (he’s fine with shellfish, strangely enough), and only get frozen which doesn’t seem to be contaminated, thankfully.

I only eat fish sushi when I’m out by myself or with my friends.

I actually learned to make sushi at home so we can have shrimp/crab/lobster/veggie sushi that won’t make him sick! I don’t bring fish into our home, even though I’m on a diet now and fish is my favorite diet food. I don’t cook with fish sauce anymore. No more eel sauce.

Read the labels of everything “shellfish” to be triply sure it’s safe. I taste food for him in restaurants just in case.

It boils down to – I love him. I want him to be safe, I want him to be happy, I need him to be ALIVE.

Doesn’t your partner feel that way about you?” ladyrockess

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but your partner is.

Like he probably has no clue how much he is, but he IS.

I have deadly food allergies. Several actually but especially nuts, peas, and beans. I’ll go straight into anaphylaxis.

Since my allergies developed back over 20 years ago, my husband gave up every single allergen I have since I can go into anaphylaxis over cross-contamination.

If he ingests an allergen he has to brush his teeth and wait 6 hours before kissing me. I’ve almost died multiple times over the negligence of others with cross-contamination and he’s adamant that my life is more important than any peanut butter treat he would be enjoying. Which, I mean, DUH. But my point is he realizes the seriousness and he was in the ER when I was mid-coding from Anaphylaxis. The epi-pen saved my life.

No avo product should EVER enter your home under any circumstances. EVER.” dimplesivm

4 points (4 votes)
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crafteeladee82 4 months ago
NTJ!! Like Ladyrockess said, in a far more delicate way, I'd be questioning this man's feelings for you!! Like Ladyrockess, my hubby too is deathly allergic to fish (proteins) but NOT shell fish - at least as far as we know. All allergies are simply your body determining it won't tolerate something anymore. You can develop an allergy after 1 exposure or 4000!! In my case, I've never cared for fish, so it's not quite as much a "sacrifice" for me. I do however on very rare occasions get a "hankerin'" for a good tuna fish sandwich. On those occasions I make DANG SURE that I brush my teeth multiple times, use mouthwash several times before I even THINK of giving hubby a kiss - even if "just on the lips" because he is that allergic. Like "ladyrockess" I want my man to still be around for many years!!! The fact that your man thinks so lightly of your/your allergy DEFINITELY gives me pause to wonder what his true feelings are. Break ups are never easy, but death is rather permanent. So you be the judge.
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13. AITJ For Stealing A Lamp From My Deceased Grandma?

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“I (28F) am the oldest of myself and my 7 sisters (we’ll call them Jill, Mary, Ruth, Elle, Jane, Nora, Kylie), but all of us are roughly a year apart. Our mom died when I was young, our dad left, and we were raised by our grandmother. A year ago, she was diagnosed with cancer and Mary moved back in to care for her.

Two weeks ago, she passed away. Mary had called me a few days beforehand to say that she was in decline, so I took a leave of absence from work and returned home. When she died, I agreed to stay in the country to help plan the funeral and handle legalities with her estate.

In our grandma’s will, her inheritance was divided very evenly.

She had left the house to Mary, which we all agreed was more than fair. Although the house was Mary’s, she left the divvying up of the furniture to my sisters and me. We agreed to go through the house and put post-its with our names on the furniture we wanted.

More than one post-it, we would duke it out amongst the two who wanted it. No post-its, it’d be sold at an estate sale.

I live a fairly nomadic life, so I didn’t want much. Since my sisters were claiming pretty much everything else, I decided the two things I wanted were a brooch and a small lamp.

The lamp was first in my grandma’s nursery, then my mom’s, then Kylie and Nora’s.

By the time we had finished sticking everything we wanted, we realized that all 8 of us had claimed the lamp. I told my sisters that it was only fair that I take it, since I only wanted the two things, while the rest of them had essentially taken the whole house.

Kylie felt that since it had been “hers” most recently, it should be hers, but Nora felt she had a similar claim. Jane didn’t “want much” so she felt deserving of the lamp. Elle wanted it in lieu of a wedding gift from our grandma (who was too poor to buy her one), and Ruth wanted it as furnishing for her new place.

Mary thought she deserved it for taking care of gran, and Jill felt it was fair that it goes in ‘her’ daughter’s room.

I told Kylie, who also wanted the brooch, that she could have it if I got the lamp. She refused. It dissolved into a huge spat, so I went outside to calm down.

When I came back in, they had agreed to “table the discussion.” We all went to go home, but I sat in my car for a minute and cried about the lamp. It was stupid to cry over, but I was feeling really upset in general at my gran’s death and was furious that my sisters hadn’t allowed me the one thing.

I decided to get it anyways. I put my jacket in my backpack, told Mary I had left it upstairs, went into the bedroom, took out my jacket, put the lamp in its place, and then went to my hotel without detection.

Today, when my sisters noticed it was gone, they went MENTAL.

Nobody is speaking to each other. I’m trying to just keep the lamp secret until my flight home in a few days, but I’m scared I’m causing irreparable damage to my family. But I really just want this lamp.

AITJ for stealing the lamp and refusing to admit it?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, but honestly I think it’s justifiable.

I am of the firm belief that it’s ok to be selfish sometimes. The fact here is there is a real possibility that you walk away with nothing to remember your grandmother by. You only wanted two things and are completely willing to walk away with only one extremely sentimental thing.

The fact that your sisters won’t concede to just give you the two things you asked for makes them absolutely jerks.

So while I do believe you’re in the wrong here. I do support you.” Efficient-Leek

Another User Comments:

“Dude, yes of course you are the jerk! You’re the eldest in the family but act like a child throwing a tantrum? You said yourself that you’re nomadic and that’s why you didn’t pick more things.

It had nothing to do with you being generous so to hold that as some sort of trump card is stupid.

If you actually loved your grandmother, grow up and treat your siblings the way she would have wanted you to treat them. I really doubt she would have wanted this.” plesthier

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, though I understand your motives.

Technically, it sounds like theft and they could report you to the police.

A better way to do this would be like a draft. Draw names from a hat to set the starting order and then people take turns picking what they want. Afterward, there can be bargaining about trading items.

Nothing splits families up like death and inheritance.

Good luck.” StateOfConfusion

Another User Comments:

“Honestly I think you’re NTJ… you only wanted two things of an ENTIRE HOUSE, and were willing to give one of those two things up… sounds like everyone else got their fair share?

You have many siblings (and I’m assuming you’ve all learned to share because of this?) I feel like some should be able to compromise due to the number of items you’ve claimed?” LyssaDoug

3 points (3 votes)
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Squidmom 4 months ago
Death makes people crazy. They do things like this. I don't think your the jerk.
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12. AITJ For Not Trusting My Neighbor To Take Care Of My Dogs?

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“My neighbor is a really sweet lady, a bit older (F late 60s), 2 years ago she lost her husband, really cool guy I (f18) wish I got to know him longer. After her husband passed, about 9 months later she bought a poodle puppy. My neighbor has a very sharp personality if that makes sense, she finds it funny to call you out on things that are sensitive to you.

Very blunt. So past year or so as this puppy has grown and stuff, he’s become a genuine menace, he still has accidents while running around the house, jumps on people, and scratches/nips to the point of bleeding (he’s a standard male poodle, pretty big boy) If anyone tries to point out how untrained the dog is she gets angry and defensive on a dime so no one brings it up.

So obviously I get uncomfortable when my parents invite her over, I don’t really like being called out for being fat or my issues with school before I got diagnosed and medication for my ADD.

The issue: As a last-minute thing, my parents and I are going away for the weekend to visit family and we needed to find a pet sitter for our two dogs, an older golden doodle, and a small rescue mutt.

Our original friend couldn’t do it last minute so my parents asked the neighbor. So yesterday the neighbor came over to see the routine and what she needs to do, we had lawn service in our yard so my mom had to run and ask a question so she left me with the neighbor.

I tried showing her around but she said my mom had already shown her.

So I’m just standing there awkwardly, trying to be polite and not go to my room when she says ‘You know, I think I’ll just take your dogs over to my house.’

I kinda froze up a little.

‘Oh well, I don’t think that would be the best…? (Golden doodle) is 13 and her bones are really brittle, I don’t think she could handle (her dog) jumping.

Plus (little mutt) takes a really long time getting used to other dogs, he might get aggressive and bark to the point (her dog) might nip him or this little guy might try nipping him-‘

The neighbor spins around and starts screaming at me. Not like a louder angry tone of voice but a full scream that was making my ears ring, and whipping her finger in my face.

Saying that her dog is trained and would never bite anything (lol plz I have a scar on my leg that says otherwise) and that he’s at a dog park right now and isn’t causing any issue. I just sorta shrunk up in my shoulders, kept saying quietly “alright ok I’m sorry” over and over, till she finished her rant and I just went to my room.

My mom comes back in, the neighbor told my mom that “(I) pry don’t like her too much now”, mom asked me later what happened.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving my dogs with her. I talked to my dad about it, both my parents kinda gave the whole thing a bit of a shrug but get where I’m coming from.

I appreciate that she’s willing to help our dogs out and is friends with my parents, I’m just worried that I’ll ruin their friendship.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, this woman is obviously not an experienced dog owner. Anyone who knows anything about dogs knows you don’t just bring strange dogs into another dog’s home/territory and just hope for the best.

Slow proper introductions and respect for space for each dog are so important. This could potentially be a bad situation not only for the dog’s safety but her own too. To be honest it doesn’t seem like your dog’s routine and comfort are all that important to her anyways, which is concerning.

And since your dogs can’t advocate for their own safety and wellness, please keep doing it for them!” wineandsarcasm

Another User Comments:

“NTJ at all, it sounds like this woman is mentally unstable to the point I’d be wary trusting any possession with her let alone my dog.” Animalime

3 points (3 votes)
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ankn 4 months ago
I'd skip the trip and stay home rather than trust my dogs to this neighbor.
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11. WIBTJ If I Only Bought Toilet Paper For Myself?

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“For context, I live with 3 other people, all in our early 20s. My roommate Kris is a nice girl, and I appreciate her friendship, but she tends to do things without realizing they are a problem.

I try to bring problems up when they come, but I am very non-confrontational and get very anxious, so sometimes I let things slide because they don’t seem like a big deal at the time and I don’t want to come off as annoying.

We share a bathroom.

When it’s my turn to take out the trash for the house, I also take out the trash in our bathroom. It’s not required but if I don’t take out the trash in the bathroom, nobody else does. The trashcan gets filled to over-flowing very quickly – I’ve asked Kris to take out the trash before but she usually argues about it, then does it begrudgingly because she hates to touch gross stuff.

I like to buy myself flushable wipes, only using one per visit so I don’t clog the toilet.

I used to have them under the sink because I thought they were nice and I extended an invitation for Kris to use them as well. A couple of days later I went to use them and there were none left. These are more expensive than toilet paper so nowadays when I buy wipes I keep them in my room and do not share them.

All of this has compounded to the toilet paper situation.

I usually buy the tp, store brand six-pack, 1000 sheets per roll. It’s relatively cheap so I usually don’t mind buying it. However, these past few months have been really tight for me so I bought the six-pack and cut down my own usage. Last week we ran out, so Kris got a roll from our other roommate’s bathroom.

Within a day or two, that roll ran out. At this point, I started feeling kinda upset because I don’t feel like what I buy is appreciated so I got myself a roll of tp and kept it in my room.

The next time Kris used the bathroom she called me on the phone to ask if I had any tp for her to use.

I felt bad and said I did, and I gave it to her to use, and she kept it in the bathroom. I didn’t have the heart to take it out. I talked to her about being more mindful with tp usage, and she said sure. Just last night I went to use the bathroom and the roll was gone.

I used the wet wipes instead but I was very upset at this point.

Kris has shown no initiative to buy her own tp so I’m afraid that she’ll keep asking me and we’ll keep falling into this cycle. We’ve had house meetings where we’ve discussed buying things for the house and splitting costs, but nothing ever gets done about it.

I know tp usage shouldn’t be this much of a problem but I feel very overwhelmed, so WIBTJ if I just bought toilet paper for myself and kept it in my room?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – You have a right to use what you purchase and how. Nobody should dictate that for you, and someone’s spending or lack of spending, shouldn’t count as an emergency for you.

It’s nice to share, but if you’re struggling and this is causing issues, keep what you buy in your room. She’ll get the message, sooner or later, be more mindful of items/toiletries isn’t an infinite source for her to use without thought.” LilButterfyx

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – I think it’s a solution in the very short term, but a conversation needs to happen.

It isn’t sustainable as you already mentioned. It will suck but I think to just say (even just to Kris) that there are three options, you can buy it and she can give you money, she can buy it and you will give her money, or you both take turns each month/week whatever.

Would the other roommates be willing to split it as a house? And just have one of them manage it?” mamamaaaa

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but you need to stop being a wet blanket. Sorry I know that’s harsh but you’re an adult and have to learn how to stand up for yourself! Next time Kris asks if you have any toilet paper, say “No sorry.” Either she’ll buy her own or start changing 3 times a day but guess what that ain’t your problem.” DoggyWoggyWoo

3 points (3 votes)
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rbleah 4 months ago
NTJ Just buy and keep in your room. Any DO YOU HAVE ANY? JUST SAY NO. Go on with your life. You have ALREADY tried to talk to her about this. Not your circus, not your monkey. This is a HER problem, don't let her make it yours.
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10. AITJ For The Way I Responded To My Friend?

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“GTA:O (Grand Theft Auto Online) is the main subject of the whole thing. I only bought it to play with a friend that likes that game, because I would always play alone and it was getting depressing, not having friends really I mean. Bought it to have some fun.

My friend plays the game like work. Handling in-game businesses to maximize profit and make money, even though it was boring and repetitive work. He wanted to buy expensive stuff, he likes that stuff. I, on the other hand, got it through hackers by accident, so money wasn’t an issue, though I had a relaxed, chill play style.

Driving around, adventures, making new friends by chatting.

My friend would regularly contact me on my phone, asking me to play together, it ended up being work, pretty much, so I only agreed when we would do something fun afterward. I would always help him with his businesses for up to 4 hours, and expect 30 minutes of random fun.

Then he would leave, talking about how he had appointments and such. Forgot that steam displays games though, he usually went over to play CoD then.. This turned regular, and I hated it because I was still playing all alone most of the time. And since we did his stuff, I didn’t level up at all, to unlock useful stuff..

I had to do that by myself.

Some day I finally said “NO!” and refused. He didn’t like that. He then found some new friends who helped him, suddenly I wasn’t existing for him, not even in reality. He would never drop by, and for 10 months wouldn’t even react to my attempts at opening up a conversation via messenger.

At that point, he stopped playing, but that’s different. This whole stuff was years ago, like 2 or 3 years ago. Barely touched GTA since then, because I found a new friend I actually enjoy playing together with.

Then recently he contacted me again and asked if we wanted to play GTA:O again.

Made an appointment for Tuesday, though I came online on Saturday already because I found time. He instantly wanted me to join his business in-game to do some “quick jobs”. I refused instantly. Chatted around a bit, but had to go. Tuesday I get online, we never dismissed that appointment, but he doesn’t show up.

I contact him, he’s like “we played Saturday, so we don’t need to play today”.

To me it’s obvious. He needed someone to help him with his in-game business, but couldn’t find anyone, so I was finally good enough to contact for the first time in 10 months. And when he found out I still won’t do his boring work, I was useless.

This whole thing was around 3 or 4 weeks ago, and he hasn’t contacted me since. I think he doesn’t give a crap about me and just needs me to be his employee. I mean, I could care less, since I now have a solid best friend to play with, which I always meet up with in real life, and go on actual trips.

But I still kind of feel like a jerk for refusing.

AITJ for refusing to play with a friend I’ve known since kindergarten?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. This is kind of wild, not going to lie. Videogames are supposed to be fun. If you’re not having fun, you’re doing it wrong.

He doesn’t sound like the kind of person anyone would want to play with.

Can you really call this guy your friend if all he cares about is playing the game with you? You said yourself that there wasn’t a lot of communication for a few years. Cut your losses with him and continue playing with people you actually have fun with.” Reddit user

3 points (3 votes)
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kipa 4 months ago
Ntj. He is not your friend. Move on, be happy without him in your life.
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9. WIBTJ If I Sue My Employer For Not Paying Me?

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“So I work in local campaigns.

My last one was for a guy who was running for office for the first time. And for an office considered pretty lofty, especially for the first-time run for public office. He got fired from his government job because he wanted to run for office.

He saved for years, so he had enough to pay his mortgage and for his family, basically.

I agreed to work for him for a reasonable salary per month. But I had explained to him that my price for him was not representative of how much these races usually cost. In fact, I actually lowered my rate by $1,000 a month, even though I had been offered my rate, plus that thousand, for a race before this one, and for an office that was lower on the totem than what this person wanted to run for.

He told me how much he wanted this, it was his dream, and that he would cut anyone out of his life if they intentionally tried to hurt his campaign.

Would tell me that the campaign was about helping his family and that people who weren’t willing to support us were essentially taking food out of his family’s mouth.

The problem with campaigns, though, is that you have to raise your own salary. So both myself, as campaign manager, and the candidate, came to the agreement that I would receive back pay for all the time I worked for him (and to his credit, he paid me one and a quarter month’s salary at one point) by the primary.

Well, months go on, and I have been working 70 hours a week.

I got into a car accident on my birthday and was told it would be $2,000 to fix. Easily could have been rectified, if I had been paid consistently. But instead, I was expected to either use my parents’ cars, get an Uber, or call him or his son for rides to meetings, events, canvassing, etc.

Also, I should mention, that he is a foster father.

And that’s where I start feeling like the jerk.

A few weeks before I resigned, he told me that he had cashed out and refinanced his home so that he could put those funds in the campaign account so he could pay me.

But his savings started to run out, hence the refinance and why he could only pay me for a month and a quarter, and the refinance was also supposed to pay for his personal expenses for him, his two adopted teenage boys, and his foster teen.

He never signed one of my contracts, even though my attorney said the mere fact that I worked for him, was on payroll and documented all actions I took for 8 months, that it doesn’t matter, and a court would rule in my favor.

But since the end of January, I’ve tried begging him basically for the funds (which total over $22,000).

My attorney sent him the letter saying he has 10 days to pay me, or I’ll be suing him for the funds, plus attorney fees, interest, etc.

But the second a lawsuit goes out, it will be public. Everyone will know what he did, and it may sink him to a point where he can’t recover.

WIBTJ if I intentionally sink his campaign to recoup the wages I’m owed? Even if he is a foster father?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

He torpedoed his life for a pipe dream, at the expense of his family and the people around him. You did everything you could to make this work for him, you bent over backward to accommodate his needs, but it isn’t working.

Just remember that at every juncture here he chose to risk his life and livelihood for his own satisfaction.

You didn’t.” DrKomeil

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s a hard situation but I don’t know anyone, myself included, who could live without being paid, especially that much. You agreed to perform a job for a rate. You performed it. He’s not upholding his end of the bargain.

I hope he’s not running for any kind of office that controls finances.” JumpingOnBandwagons

Another User Comments:

“Originally I was going to say NTJ, but I’m going to have to settle on ESH.

You lowered your rate and continued to allow his behavior of putting off your pay. The moment an employer skips out on the wages, you should leave, not keep working hoping for a check. He’s obviously TA for taking such a massive financial risk, hiring employees knowing he can’t pay them.

You WNBTJ for suing to get paid.

You worked the hours, you deserve compensation.” Reddit user

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You aren’t intentionally sinking a campaign. You were told you would be paid and deserve every penny you worked for. Period. If he can’t even pay you, how is he going to handle stuff if/when he is elected? Get your and move on.” lolafalanax

3 points (3 votes)
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Gamergirl 4 months ago
No ntj. He owes you and refuses to pay. Sue him.
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8. WIBTJ For Leaving Without Saying Bye?

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“I (25F) was recently offered a new job in NYC. I’m excited at the opportunity to move somewhere new since I have lived my whole life in my hometown.

The situation here that I need a ruling on is how to handle leaving, specifically with my family.

The backstory: My parents divorced when I was 13.

My father was unfaithful and I caught him. My mom and I left & she raised me on her own and continues to be the person in the world I am closest to. My father (we’ll call him Greg), was involved in the sense he would let me crash at my childhood home on weekends so I could see my friends, but he was never a consistent factor.

Some weekends I would come & leave without seeing him or my first stepmom. As I’ve grown older he has become completely distant any time he gets remarried and only reaches out when he’s lonely/getting divorced again.

During his last marriage to a woman (we’ll call her Linda), he upped & left to move to another state without telling me (we were actually on okay terms at this point).

He then divorced her and moved back. I only found out as a childhood friend of mine sent me a Snapchat of him at the liquor store. I eventually found out through some cousins of mine that he had been home for a few months & asked that no one tell me.

I still have not figured out what I did wrong.

His side of the family refuses to acknowledge the damaging things he’s done to our relationship over the years. His inconsistency in my life causes me a ton of anxiety and his narrative has given my family the opinion that I am the reason our relationship is the way it is.

For clarity, I have only gone NC since August. Before then I was still trying to have a relationship with him, but he cut me off when he got back together with Linda, who gave him the ultimatum that he cut me off or she will divorce him again.

I truly don’t know what I’ve done wrong, but at this point, I was getting off the rollercoaster of having a breakdown every time Greg chose a new wife over a relationship with his daughter, so I made the decision to go NC rather than hope this time around it’s different.

WIBTJ if I make this move without telling my family? Most of them live several hours away, they won’t make the trip out to see me off and I don’t want to risk Greg finding out & making a scene.

My mom thinks he will because he uses “large gestures” to show the family that he’s trying and that I’m the one rejecting him. He’s done this historically and then disappears for months even when I accept the gesture. I’m even concerned about having any sort of going away party or telling anyone other than close friends at the risk of my family finding out through the grapevine & freaking out.

Part of me just wants to disappear.

So, WIBTJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, your mum is your family, your dad clearly is not. You can choose who you want in your life and if people reach out to you after your move then you can decide if you still want them in your life.

Good luck with the new job!” HistoryKittyKat

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You’d be maintaining the status quo.

I’d suggest letting your not-too-extended family know and simply trust them to know it’s not their news to tell your father.

Your father will hear at some point. He’ll try to make it all about him. You know better. Shake it off.” waterdevil19144

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – at first I thought maybe TJ if you’re doing it out of spite, but then I thought more about family members that do stuff like that and I realized you’re okay either way!” multisubcultural1

2 points (2 votes)
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rbleah 4 months ago
NTJ Cut demon dad and his demon family out. You have no reason to put up with this crap. Don't know what happened between you and Linda but it does not matter now. Go live your life the way you want. You STILL HAVE MOM. That's all you need.
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7. WIBTJ For Setting Boundaries Between My Dad And Me?

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“From the day I was born until I was 11, I shared the same room with my parents because my brother had occupied the room. When he moved out, it was mine! I had my own space and I was content with that. My dad would come in from time to time to check up on me to see what I was doing but I was okay with that at the time because I liked spending time with my dad.

When I was 14, a traumatic event happened that changed the course of my relationship between my dad and me, and he became overprotective. At the time, I enjoyed the overprotectiveness because it made me feel secure when the event happened in my home. I became more antisocial because of it and only stayed home.

Now, I’m a sophomore in college and I want to blossom from an antisocial caterpillar into a social butterfly! I’m 19 (20 in April) and I want to go to parties, hang out with friends, and enjoy myself because I want to experience things and not live in fear and anxiety for the rest of my life.

Here’s where the issue comes in. My dad likes to check in a lot (way too much) to the point where my friends don’t want me to come hang out with them if it’s gonna bother my dad that I’m not home. He sees me as his little girl, I get that, but it’s frustrating because I want to have fun and playing video games and being stuck in my room all the time isn’t fun.

Another thing, my room has never had a lock on it at all.

I wasn’t bothered by my dad barging into my room when I was younger, but now that I want some sort of privacy and independence, it’s frustrating. I’ll be sitting in my room doing homework or reading and then all of a sudden he’ll barge in. “Whatcha doing?” as he sits on my bed to look at my laptop or television.

It happens every day, multiple times per day. My answers are always the same.

My mom and I have sat down with him to talk about privacy and independence but he gets defensive and angry which upsets me. He doesn’t listen and he’ll do it again. Whenever he gets defensive he usually says “well don’t talk to me ever again” as he storms off angrily.

That’s not what I want at all, I just want to set some boundaries that are comfortable for both of us. I’m not his little girl anymore and I don’t want to keep being seen as that.

Tomorrow, I have an event at my college from 6 pm – 8 pm and my class finishes at 11:30 so I was going to go home and go back.

I told my dad as a ‘heads up’ case and the first thing he tells me is “oh, I’ll come with you!” I’ll tell him no, that I want to go alone. “Don’t worry! I want to. Mom will come too!”

WIBTJ if I set some healthy boundaries between my dad and me?

I don’t think I would be, but the only reason that I could possibly be TJ would be by making my dad defensive and angry; that would be my fault for bringing the conversation up again in the first place.

I’m tired of walking on eggshells to please my dad.

I’ll always be daddy’s girl, I just want space.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. My parents were all about knocking before entering and it applied to the entire household. My dad was (and is) very good about it. My mom will do the knock while turning the doorknob, which defeated the purpose of the knocking thing.

My brother always had a lock on his door and I got one, too. When I was in my room with the door closed, it was locked. I would open it if my parents wanted to speak to me.

My mom didn’t have much of a sense of boundaries either.

I have a learning disability and I required a lot of extra supervision when I was younger. As I got older and my symptoms weren’t as severe I felt that my mother still felt I needed the same amount of supervision.

I don’t think it was her being inconsiderate but to use the door example, in her mind what she has to say is so important that she doesn’t do the proper knock and wait for someone to answer.

I had to set my own boundaries and set my own standards.

My mom and I are civil and I finally feel like I have my own private life.

I’m closer to my dad so I’ll share with him more. He always saw me as an adult and not some sort of project.

I check in with my dad once a week and I’ll tell him my agenda. If that week’s activities involved my being out late, I’ll tell him when I get back in so they know I’m safe.

Get the lock on the door.

If you have dinner together you can make those meals during your check-in time. You should go out. Tell him where you are and when you’ll get back. Reassure him you’ll keep your phone on you and you’ll tell him when you’ve gotten home safely.

Having a good relationship with your family and having more of an independent life is not an either/or situation.” Immediate-Theme

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

This is extremely abnormal. I’m a parent but my kids have not experienced a traumatic event like you have. I understand – to a point – that this could make a parent feel more fearful and protective than a parent that has not seen their child go through trauma.

But it is NOT OK for your dad to make you the prisoner of his fear. He cannot expect you to sacrifice your progress and growth on the altar of his need to “protect” you.

I don’t know exactly what happened to you, but it appears that your father is subconsciously re-victimizing you by his failure to appropriately handle his own emotions.

He should be by your side supporting you in overcoming your trauma and cheering you on as you succeed as a healthy independent adult. Instead, he’s infantilizing you. He probably subconsciously feels guilt for not protecting you, and instead of addressing his feelings about that, he’s trying to trap you in a stunted, stifled environment where “daddy can always protect you.”

He may not mean any harm, but that doesn’t mean he is not causing it.

Your mom needs to intervene and help you enforce normal boundaries (and I question why she has not done this already). She should insist that he get therapy for his issues if he cannot cope with you taking the usual and expected steps toward adulthood.

But if your mom doesn’t step up and belatedly run an intervention that she should have done years ago, please set hard and firm boundaries and do not feel one moment of guilt about holding firm when he tests them.

FYI, I have 3 kids and my 13-year-old has more privacy and liberty than you have as a sophomore in college.

Neither I nor my husband would barge into any of our children’s rooms without knocking and hearing a verbal OK to come in. (The only exception is that because they often have earbuds in with the volume way too loud, if I knock a few times and hear no response, I will open the door just enough to stick an arm in and wave it around while going “helllllooooo!!! Can I come in?”) Really, the last thing I want is to walk in on them changing or, God forbid, having “personal time.”

Good parents can vary in approaches, so I’m not saying that being a bit less reserved about entering a kid’s room would necessarily be out of bounds.

But what you are describing is far from the norm of anything that a 19-year-old could reasonably expect from a parent.” tidderor

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

I’m really sorry a traumatic event happened to you when you were younger OP, but I’m glad that you are starting to heal and are ready to come out of your shell.

I’m not justifying your father’s behavior and especially his outbursts but I have a feeling that this traumatic experience affected him as well, more than he’s acknowledged as well (of course no where near the extent of you though). I’m not a parent but my mum has mentioned that she feels at fault whenever my sister and I are in trouble even if she wasn’t involved at all.

I feel like this could be how your dad is feeling as well, and it would explain the overprotected-ness and even the lashing out (or rather, defensiveness) when it is bought up to him that it’s a bit too much. I think he may benefit from talking to someone professional, who can help him come to terms with the traumatic event, and also coming to terms that his youngest child is an adult.

And although she (you) may not always need him around, you still love him tremendously. Perhaps it may be better if your mother brings it up to him, or he may shut down the conversation by saying he’s “fine” if you bring it up. Not only is it concerning for you because you can’t live your life, but it’s concerning for him that (at least it doesn’t sound like) he’s really taking much time for himself either. It could even be slight co-dependency.” Cheery-Cornflake

2 points (2 votes)
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crafteeladee82 4 months ago
No WAY are you TJ!!! DAD HOWEVER IS ONE!! He's being immature and manipulative!!! "Don't ever talk to me again." What kind of ADULT responds that way!!!???? Next time Dad pulls this EXTREMELY MANIPULATIVE JERK MOVE, take him up on it!! Say, if that's how YOU want it, then I guess I'll have to accept that!" Odds are, maybe not immediately, he'll be set back on his heels by that response! I lived 22 yr with a husband like that and it IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE!!! Unfortunately it sounds like you are going to have to be the ADULT here and call him on his nonsense!! Good Luck!!
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6. AITJ For Threatening Not To Come Back For Christmas?

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“My family Christmases have been disappointing since I (20) was about 13. I never have fun, my sister is always horrible, I never get to decide even one activity we do together as a family, and usually end up crying from feeling bullied and ignored. I was dreading Christmas 2019 because of this.

My sister (21) wouldn’t speak to me despite claiming she wants to have a relationship with me. I had told her earlier in the year I wasn’t interested in that, because she bullied me relentlessly for no reason when we were growing up, and thinks that us not living together anymore is enough for me to forgive.

She has never apologized or tried to make reparations outside of what’s comfortable for her.

I asked my mum why my sister wouldn’t even look at me, and she told me it was because she was afraid she’ll upset me. So, rather than just having normal conversations with me, respecting me as a person, and not insulting me every sentence, she decided to pretend like I was invisible instead.

My mum said it in the way she did because she believes I’m some crazy radical SJW because I don’t vote conservative, despite me never talking to them about anything political. She believes I’m the problem for getting upset at my sister’s actions.

They all also performed at the village hall on Christmas without me.

They were practicing the night before in my bedroom without me. My mum came by halfway through and said “It’s a shame you don’t have your ukulele so you can join in”. This hurt as it implied that I wasn’t allowed to join in, and also that my skills on the piano, guitar, and singing weren’t good enough for them.

My mum begged me to come to the hall so I can look pretty and prove that she does have a good-looking child (as my sister is overweight and doesn’t dress the way my mum wants her to), and also so I could film the rest of the family having fun without me.

I didn’t go, she said some horrible things to me about me being selfish and left. I cried the whole time they were gone. I didn’t think it was selfish to not want to go for her reasons.

The night before I was leaving, my mum asked why I was crying on Christmas.

I told her and it blew up into a massive argument because she didn’t want to apologize, and said I should’ve somehow known her true intentions behind asking me to come to the hall to look pretty, which was apparently she wanted us to spend time as a family, which she hadn’t mentioned before.

I told her all the reasons (many missing here) why I felt ignored and upset over Christmas, not only this year but all the other years, and then said I didn’t want to come back next year and I wasn’t going to. She then said something along the lines of “so all of us just have to suffer” (despite me suffering the past 7 years) and then started to cry.

I was already crying by this point.

So, AITJ for saying I wouldn’t come back next Christmas? I didn’t mean to make her cry and I feel really jerk-ish.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, this sounds like a very toxic environment and you will never be at fault for not wanting to put yourself through emotional trauma.

Don’t feel bad because you told someone how you feel and they got upset, especially when this person seems like they try to manipulate you into feeling guilty. In the long run, you are better off staying away if it means not dealing with all of this every year.” SalLantreau

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – I feel like there is a lot more to this story than what is stated but for the information given, you are not the jerk. Both your mother and your sister sound like horrible people.” samuelx94x

2 points (2 votes)
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Gamergirl 4 months ago
Ntj. You family sounds awful
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5. AITJ For Unintentionally Implying My Sister Gave My Niece Away?

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“So I have custody of my niece (8f) this year because her father is deployed. Her parents, my sister and the father are going through a divorce. They had been living separately and co-parenting for about 6 months before deployment. So super fresh change for my niece. She was already having a difficult time adjusting before he left.

This is his first deployment since the family dynamic has changed.

Now I normally have my niece during summers so she can spend time with my son (7m) as we live in a different state. I also take her most breaks, I have a lot of flexibility with my job and can adjust my schedule for breaks.

So she and I are close. 2 weeks before she was supposed to go back home my sister sprung on her and me that she would be staying for the school year. No biggie on my part if you have 1 kid you can have 20. But it did put me in a tailspin trying to get her registered for school and in an aftercare program.

I’m an adult and I know how to adjust and adapt, but my niece was devastated.

Rightly so as her life was/is already in a tailspin. She has always been your typical spoiled only child, but her behavior took a dive. She has become a mean girl. She’s constantly bullying/belittling my son.

She’s cruel to the point that it’s concerning. I understand her behavior and know it’s because she’s having a difficult time with all that’s going on in her life. While I understand it, I don’t condone it. So I’m constantly reprimanding her, but I always talk to her and tell her that I understand that she’s upset but she can’t take it out on her cousin, my son.

Flash forward to last weekend it was a holiday weekend where I’m from.

So I had my nephew (9m) over for the weekend. I’m in the kitchen super busy trying to cook and straightening up when I can hear her bullying and being cruel to my nephew at the table. My son was also at the table 20-questioning me as only a 7-year-old can.

So I’m busy and distracted. I chime in to tell her to cut it out and be nice. I asked why is she acting like this and she says so you’ll send me home. Once again I’m not really focused because my son is going a mile a minute with his questions, I’m trying to load the dishwasher and not burn dinner.

I blurted out without thinking “I would never throw you away, you’re family and I love you.” I noticed her go quiet and then saw a change in her body language.

It was like a switch went off in her little head. Her behavior drastically changed overnight for the better and I overheard her tell one of her friends that’s she going to live with me forever.

Now I’m racked with guilt thinking I may have accidentally implied that, that’s what her mother did.

It’s really not what I meant. I always tell her and my son nothing they do can change my love for them, even when they’re being bad or annoying. So I just wasn’t thinking when I made that remark.

Be gentle, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Could you have worded it differently? Sure, probably.

BUT you have absolutely no reason to feel bad here OP, you just stated that you would never leave her – you didn’t say anything definitive about her mother in either direction, which is probably the best way to go about this situation in my opinion.

It’s a tough time for everyone involved, and feelings are all over the place.

Obviously, I can’t speak for your niece, everyone’s experience is different – but in my own experience, the thing with feeling like a parent doesn’t care about you when you’re young is that unless they themselves take action to make you feel differently, it can be frustrating and distressing when everyone else tells you they care when – in your eyes – they very clearly don’t.

‘2 weeks before she was supposed to go back home my sister sprung on her and me that she would be staying for the school year.’

This bit kind of concerns me though – have you checked in with your sister lately? Is she doing okay? Might not be a bad idea to reach out and see if she’s handling things okay, just to be safe.” GenjisWife

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

From the story, she probably does feel like she was thrown away, and that feeling sounds largely justified. Dad getting deployed is one thing, but I can’t imagine voluntarily being away from either of my children for an extended period of time.

In general, kids tend to respond well to honesty, and at her age, she can probably sense when somebody’s dodging the truth.

I’m sure that you’ve spoken to her supportively plenty before, but I also suspect that you’ve been circumspect about her mom and how your current circumstances came about. Last weekend, she heard the unvarnished truth, and in a few words, you both validated the way she’s likely feeling and rejected the possibility that you would do the same to her.

You sound like a wonderful mom and aunt, and you absolutely should not beat yourself up over inelegant (if honest) phrasing.” AbominableAbdominal

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Your niece feels abandoned by her parents, the people who are supposed to be there no matter what for her (I don’t know what is going on with the mom so I don’t know if it’s a selfish thing or something else, but the dad isn’t to blame here, just wanted to make it clear).

So she figures, they didn’t want me, why would Aunt? Who cares how I act, maybe I can go back home. (Also note all this is from the mind of a child, where every moment is the end all be all.)

So she’s pushing and lashing out, and then, she hears you say “I would never throw you away, you’re family and I love you” She’s not thinking ‘Oh my mom threw me away.’ She’s thinking ‘Holy crap I’m not going to get shuffled off to somewhere else, I’m safe here!’ You have seriously alleviated many of the fears she has been having.

You are a stable and safe place for her, and I am unbelievably happy for both of you. She may have questions in the future about her mom, so you can always let her know then (if it’s a fear of hers) that her mom did not throw her away.” dante_ofthe_endfurno

2 points (2 votes)
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ashbabyyyy 4 months ago
NTJ. I’m lost on why she can’t be with her mom? She not only feels abandoned, she WAS abandoned by her mom.
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4. AITJ For Getting Upset At My Roommate Over Dishes?

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“For context: When we first moved in together, my roommate and I had a similar work schedule of 8 AM to 6 PM. I did the grocery shopping, she would make dinner for us both, then I would wash the dishes. My roommate now works 40+ hours a week as a manager at the local burger place, but the actual hours of her shift tend to vary wildly.

Some nights, she doesn’t get home until after 12 or 1 in the morning. Alternatively, some days she goes in to work at 6 in the morning. As a result, she and I made an agreement that I would buy the groceries she needed, but she would cook her own meals.

She also has begun to smoke frequently, and she usually goes to a friend’s house or holes up in her closet to get high.

For the past few months, she has started slacking when it comes to washing her own dishes. For example, she brought home chicken nuggets from work and used a bowl to put BBQ sauce in.

The bowl sat on the dining room table for a week, half-full of old BBQ sauce, until she finally put it in the sink. Didn’t wash it, but left it in the sink. Another example: she often makes packages of instant ramen in one of our pots, but when she’s done, she leaves the pot full of oily water on the stove for a day or two before dumping the water and putting the unwashed pot back on the stove.

Several times, I have asked her as politely as I could to stop leaving dirty dishes lying around.

She always said “Okay”, but that same day, she would leave dirty dishes on the table or in the sink. At one point, I even said I would wash the dishes for her if she at least rinsed them and left them in the sink. She still continued to leave dirty dishes around, and every time I find a sauce-crusted bowl or a plate smeared with food, I feel resentful toward her for being so lazy.

Yesterday, she did it again and I finally snapped.

I found another pot of oily ramen water on the stove, and I marched right to her room and barged in. I snapped at her about how she’s the laziest person I’ve ever known, and I called her stupid because she can’t even wash her own dishes. My yelling at her caused her to cry.

I didn’t feel bad at the time, and I slammed the door on my way out. She left about an hour later with her work backpack.

I haven’t seen her since last night, but she texted me this morning to say she was staying at a friend’s house for a while.

I’m not as mad as I was yesterday, and I feel bad for yelling at her. I told my partner what happened, and he said I shouldn’t have snapped at her. He insists that I was a jerk for getting mad at all and that I should have just left the dirty dishes piled up where she left them until she had no choice but to wash them herself.

I feel like crap for making her cry and leave, but I feel like I was justified in being angry after putting up with it for so long.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“ESH. I had a roommate like you once. The audacity. You cannot barge into her room and yell, that’s what mine did. COMPLETELY unacceptable. You are violating her personal privacy and property. It’s HER room. You can ask her to talk politely and if she’s busy, set a time and date to talk, aka a meeting.

That being said, leaving old dishes around for a while is gross. You also can’t change her. I’ve lived with my partner for 4 years, trust me, nobody’s bad habits change at least not quickly. The best thing to do is for one of you to move out ASAP.

I moved out and it was great. Unfortunately, it forever ruined the friendship, but at least we both got what we wanted in the end.” raindrop349

Another User Comments:

“ESH.

You yelled at her and called her lazy and stupid. Verbally mistreating another person is not okay.

You are a much bigger jerk than she is.

Get a plastic dish basin and stick it in her room.

Deposit dirty dishes there so you don’t see them. It is a jerk move but she deserves that for her refusal to keep the common area clean.

After you apologize over and over again, of course.” 4games1

Another User Comments:

“I’m going to go with ESH in this one.

Cleaning up dishes isn’t all that difficult, so I think you were in the right to confront your roommate about it.

However, I do think you could have approached it in a better way.

She may be under a lot of stress with her crappy hours. Depression is a sucky thing and can make people appear messy and lazy. So if she was in a depression, then those words most likely stung a lot more than you intended. Regardless, I don’t think it is quite fair to call someone stupid.

Trying to take a couple of hours out of the week to clean the house together may help. I hope you figure it out!” PitbullsAndPierogies

1 points (3 votes)
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crafteeladee82 4 months ago (Edited)
I'm going to go against the grain here and say NTJ. You are however, human! Could you have handled this differently/better, sure. What one of us hasn't "snapped" after repeatedly addressing an issue whether with a roommate, spouse or child, only to have that other person do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to modify their behavior!!??? We ALL have our tipping point. Your roommate may not be a jerk either, depending on her situation. If she IS overly stressed due to her job, job/study schedule or whatever, it is HER responsibility to figure out how best to deal with that, but it DOESN'T absolve her of any responsibility to you, her roommate. Her absent mindedly/wilfully "ignoring" the problem is EXCEEDINGLY IMMATURE. Escaping to a friends house (before the "showdown"), "hiding in her closet getting high" are both ESCAPE MECHANIZISMS and ARE NOT how mature adults handle diversity. Leaving dirty dishes lying around (EVEN when "rinsed") can lead to disease, insects and in worse case scenarios, rodents!!! So WELL BEYOND simply being "gross!" Attempt to have a "sit down" discussion with your roommate. Apologize for your outburst, but explain - calmly - how her "avoidance" and/or unwillingness to accept/ignoring her responsibility for her own messes simply isn't a sustainable situation in a roommate scenario. Explain to her - though it SHOULDN'T be necessary - that aside from your own preferences, I'm certain your lease has a clause about keeping the place in a clean manner, and point out that though lucky thus far, a continuation of her habit can result in insect and/or rodent infestation which would then open you both up to diseases carried by the respective critters. If even this strategy doesn't work, then I suggest getting your landlord involved, especially if you BOTH are on the lease, thus equally responsible for damages. Good Luck!!
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3. WIBTJ If I Complained About My Neighbor's Dog?

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“The family above me moved in about 5ish months ago. We don’t really have a relationship, they aren’t mean or crass or anything, just keep to themselves (as does the whole complex, there really isn’t a sense of community here, still a lovely place to be). I met them once because their refrigerator water line burst, flooding their apartment, and it eventually started to pour into mine from the ceiling.

I figured out what was wrong and called maintenance. Thankfully there wasn’t a lot of damage and since they had just moved in, none of their personal belongings were affected (still bare apartment). Later that day I just went up to introduce myself and make sure everything was fine.

They were nice and thankful and that was that.

Since then, I’ve only seen the woman periodically walking their puppy (who is very cute). We will say hello quickly, sometimes I’ll pet her pup and then be on our separate ways. All of this is to say I know them, and we are friendly, but I don’t really KNOW them.

Their pup was about 6 months old when they moved in.

So he was barking a lot and we could hear them playing with him frequently, but he was a baby so I more or less tried to ignore it. I love dogs and have a large pup myself so I know they need to be exercised, and I figured he was barking a lot because of the new environment.

Well fast forward to now and the dog is REALLY LOUD in the mornings, usually starting at 5 am.

The barking has subsided, mostly, so that’s no big deal. But he plays with (what I assume is) a huge bone in the morning while his humans get ready for work. He picks it up and drops it 100 times in a row, on hardwood flooring. The sound of it hitting the floor every morning is so startling that I’ve once jumped out of bed.

I can never fall back asleep because it goes on for so long. It usually stops around 6:30 – 7 am when they leave for work. My partner is starting to become frustrated because we feel we can never sleep in, and we both work really long hours so those few days a week where we can sleep till 8 am are so critical for our health.

My immune system is trash, and when I get run down from lack of sleep, I always get sick.

I hate being that neighbor that complains about animals, especially since there isn’t much an owner can do at work about their barking dog. I contemplated asking them to withhold the bone just in the mornings till around 7 am, but I hate feeling like I’m putting restrictions on what they can and can’t do in their own home.

The neighbor there before them had an absolutely miserable dog and I eventually had to file a complaint with the leasing office and that did not end up well, so I’m hesitant to speak to them in case this all happens again.

So, WIBTJ to ask my neighbor to withhold the dog’s bone so I can sleep in?”

Another User Comments:

“Currently saying NTJ since you haven’t addressed it with them and don’t seem to have a terrible past relationship with them.

They may not be aware of just HOW LOUD it is. Different apartments have different levels of noise. Some walls are super thin and some places have really nicely made walls. They may just not realize how much sound is transferring through to you.

Talk to them about it (nicely, at first obviously) before making a formal complaint.

Ask if they can either get him a softer toy to play with, put down a carpet, or pick up the bone (or all 3?). There are options also, maybe look into getting some earplugs, just in case. That’s the issue with group living spaces like apartments, there’s not always a perfect fix.

But between ear plugs and a few changes on their part, you might be able to come to a happy medium.

Best of luck.” LadyMelkor

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Your neighbors probably don’t realize the effect they’re having on you. I say this because I’ve been on the end that your neighbors are in.

We didn’t realize our pup would bark when we left for work until our neighbor downstairs filed complaints against us. (Granted, she won’t speak to us in person and just leaves aggressive notes about it.) We fixed the problem and he no longer barks when we leave once we found out.

If your neighbors are as nice as you say they are, they’ll be understanding and try to accommodate.

Please speak to them, of course in the nicest but firmest way possible. If the problem doesn’t resolve after speaking with them, then involve your leasing office by filing a complaint.

Good luck!” Reddit user

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. They should make sure their pet isn’t being loud. There are laws regarding times you shouldn’t be making such loud noises.

I think the fairest thing is to tell them there are a lot of loud hitting noises on the hardwood floor. It startles you a lot and makes it difficult to sleep. If it was me I’d get quite a lot of anxiety because of it. Loud noises around sleep make me panic. When it’s constant or expected, it makes simple sleeping a panic.

Just ask nicely.” Reddit user

1 points (1 votes)
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2. AITJ For Walking Out Of The Hospital After Giving Birth?

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“My husband and his mom have this weirdly close relationship which has been a source of conflict before, usually when he has trouble telling her no.

When I was pregnant, I told my husband that I want it to be just us two in the hospital and we could have friends and family over at the house later.

I went into labor prematurely, and my husband rushed us to the hospital in my car.

It was unexpected. I gave birth without an epidural because I couldn’t get one with the timing, it was the hardest most painful thing I could imagine.

I hardly got any time with our baby before the doctors and nurses had to take her away and I was just laying in bed feeling awful, in pain, feeling like “did I do something to make this happen?” I had some risk factors like stress and a past struggle with disordered eating that left me at a low weight.

Then suddenly my husband’s mother came in, asking where the baby was, asking a lot of medical questions like how premature, had I been resting enough during pregnancy, how was the baby…

That really hurt when I’d been questioning myself so much also.

And my husband was just talking to her through it all even though I had told him nobody but us in the hospital.

I spoke up and said I wanted to be alone with my husband to rest, and he actually said that it’d just be a few minutes, they’d step out to the lounge.

I didn’t feel any better, I didn’t want to be alone and I didn’t want her possibly pushing back into the room.

Now onto the questionable part…

I should explain I grew up in a pretty traumatic environment and that’s given me the defense mechanism of just running when I am feeling scared or overwhelmed.

It’s something I’d thought I’d gotten past with therapy but I guess at that moment I was feeling worse than I had in a very long time.

I got up, kinda zoning out the pain because I felt so anxious. I got covered up with my long winter parka and pulled on my boots, grabbed my purse, and made a (slow) break for the parking garage.

I got to my car and by the time I was there the pain had really set in, I felt dizzy and was scared of passing out if I drove, so I just laid across the backseat.

I lost track of time before a nurse found me, and at that point, they brought me back inside and put me in a private area for treatment.

It’s been a month since then now and it’s caused so much trouble.

I’m upset my husband didn’t keep it to just us.

He says that he didn’t know how serious I meant it, plus with the premature labor it was like all our plans for how my birth would go were out the window.

His mother was just concerned.

He’s also really bothered I left, he said it’s seriously destructive and I wasn’t thinking about my own health or safety.

His mom has said that I seem too unstable to be a mother.

AITJ for walking out?”

Another User Comments:

“A very gentle ESH.

This might not be a popular judgment.

Your husband’s relationship with his mother sounds like it’s an ongoing problem and if she knew ahead of time that you didn’t want her there.

She should have waited.

But you absolutely should not have walked out of the hospital unannounced after giving birth. You put yourself in very serious potential danger. Your husband was probably shocked and not processing things well and didn’t take your previous requests into consideration because he was also caught up in the moment and wondering about your health and the baby’s.

People tend to think that men have no say in the delivery room, and absolutely the woman has autonomy there, but what I think many forget is that the partners have their own set of stresses and anxieties at play and won’t always make the sensitive decision at the moment.

I don’t know how the topic is being approached now, but your husband is probably experiencing a large amount of anxiety about your flight because he is not sure if you will do it again.

Please have an open conversation with him and talk with him about coping strategies so both of you can be sure you won’t have to feel like running isn’t your best option. Much love from me, and give that baby some snuggles!” ladysayrune

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. As a man, what did you want your husband to do in that situation? You mention the baby was premature, which can come with a host of medical problems, and difficult decisions to make.

You just had a baby and are in not in a place physically or mentally where your husband can ask you for help (you were literally about to pass out), and probably feels he doesn’t want to further burden you with his own emotional distress during the situation.

He was likely nervous and scared for his wife and his child. Is he not supposed to call his mother for support when he is in a difficult and extremely emotional situation? Then she comes because she wants to support her son in any way she can. Is this the way you wanted this to happen, no, but your whole plan kind of flew out the window when you went into labor early.

I fail to see on what planet this makes him a jerk. Are men not allowed emotional support? Do we have to be the rock in this situation, and pretend everything is fine when we know it’s not? Men are not emotionless, we get scared, and sometimes we need to ask for advice from people we trust, and in this situation that was his mother.

He even took her out of the room when you said you didn’t want her there.

Now I will admit that I am probably projecting a bit of how I would feel in that situation onto him and my judgment, BUT we are given no information about his side of this.

We don’t know how premature the baby was, just premature, and we don’t know anything about him to judge what his thought process was or his emotional state during the birth, so why would we assume it was him just inviting his mom to see the baby against your wishes.

Sure he might have invited her to see the baby if it had gone to plan, and that would make him a jerk, but that’s not what happened.

Running away is an understandable coping mechanism if you suffered past trauma, and doing it doesn’t make you a jerk. What it could have done is potentially kill you.

There is a lot of potential for bleeding after you give birth, and leaving the place that was monitoring you put your health at risk in a big way. This should be a wake-up call to get you into therapy to find a better way to cope because the way you cope now literally could have killed you.

This doesn’t make you a jerk, just means you have a problem that needs addressing. Imagine how scared he was when they couldn’t find you, he now has a premature baby which needs attention and might die, and a wife who could be bleeding out on the street somewhere.

That sounds terrifying to me.

His mother is definitely a jerk for saying you are too unstable to be a mother, but that is kind of separate from the main issue in the story.

Lastly, I hope you and your baby are doing well.” JustinTime195

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

I don’t know how reasonable it is, but to me, through the late stages of pregnancy and definitely on the day of labor and particularly if anything goes wrong or not to plan about that labor, pretty much anything a woman requests or needs should just be accommodated and any partner or family member that doesn’t see it that way is a jerk IMO.

You wanted your space and you were in a lot of pain and under a lot of stress and anxiety.

It’s a highly private and overwhelming day for anyone, and you had already clearly expressed you wanted nobody else there in the hospital before any other complication was added to the situation. Not respecting that wish is an absolute jerk move and “the plan went out the window” excuse is pathetic.

Your husband and your mother-in-law were not thinking about you or your needs or wishes.

They were thinking about what they wanted, your mother-in-law was just thinking about information she wanted to sate her concerns and your husband was thinking about presumably pleasing his mom. At that moment, their concerns should have been for you and for the baby and everything else should be secondary.

Your reaction to this time of stress, in the state you were in after an untimely labor with no pain meds should never be held against you, especially as it was something as minor as just hiding in your car for a couple of hours.

I understand why your husband would be concerned about your disappearance and worried about you, but holding it against you is completely unfair. Especially if he knows about your history and that this is an established response to difficult times. You didn’t run away for days, you didn’t endanger yourself by driving, you didn’t do anything rude or say anything insulting to his mom, you just removed yourself from the situation.

In my opinion, you handled it quite well really, considering everything.

The “unstable” comment is something I’d be throwing hands over though, tbh. How dare she. That’s an absolutely horrible thing to say.” TheHoziest94

Another User Comments:

“I’m going to say NTJ for a number of reasons.

Firstly he may not have asked his mum to come there, if he did he may not have invited her into the room…

some mothers are just overbearing like that, hubby could see that you were distressed and left the room with his mum….even if he did invite her at the end of the day it was just as distressing for him and he also needed someone to talk to.

If op had not been totally open and honest about her reasoning behind not wanting the MIL there it’s easy to see why hubby might have been confused or thought she was being irrational….not to say she was but it’s easy to see why someone would think it…..

Hubby said that she was careless for running off and turning it back around on her seems like a kneejerk reaction to him being very worried about her and lashing out without thinking as we often do in distressing situations…

He is probably also worried like MIL is that something might happen when he isn’t around but may not know how to properly articulate this without upsetting you further so he also gets defensive, (proper communication between the two of you will certainly make that better.)

MIL being concerned about OP’s ability to be a good mother is not unsubstantiated only because from her honest standpoint if op can do this in a stressful situation now what would happen once the baby goes home…

if OP’s instinct is to run because of her past trauma it’s easy to see why MIL would think that especially if she didn’t know about the past trauma or its triggers… MIL is probably thinking about what happens if the baby won’t stop crying and op is getting stressed whilst hubby is at work.

I can understand why op did what she did but it was careless in the sense that anything could have gone wrong, she could have gone into shock or bled out or anything, she wasn’t in the right frame of mind, and whilst nothing did happen something could have happened.

OP needs to revisit therapy and maybe OP and hubby need some couples counseling because it seems hubby may not understand op’s past trauma and not being through the same himself is completely understandable…

OP may in her mind think 100% that she wouldn’t put her baby in harm’s way but mental illness from trauma is very complex and in the wrong frame of mind anything can happen.

OP you are on the defensive and understandably so but you just need to take a few steps back and try and see this from the perspective of others as part of your recovery as it’s important to see yourself as others see you to really get an understanding of how to see yourself… nobody is perfect and we all do kneejerk things when we get emotional.” n3miD

1 points (1 votes)
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ashbabyyyy 4 months ago
You are not the jerk for walking out, but as you obviously know, that was a very dangerous thing to do. Your MIL and husband are assholes. He knew you didn’t want anyone there, and I’m guessing she did too, they just didn’t care. She clearly doesn’t respect you enough to be a responsible grandparent, and until she learns her place, should not be involved in your life in any way.
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1. AITJ For Not Telling My Fiancé That My Ex Confessed His Feelings For Me?

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“My fiancé and I have been together for almost four years now. He is my everything and I would never do anything to intentionally hurt him. My fiancé was born in a country where it is mandatory for men to serve in the military for about two years.

He enlisted in 2017 and was finally discharged last summer. I have this one ex who I have been on and off with since I was 14. I was 22 when I ended things with him for good (I actually broke up with him for my current fiancé) and I know it broke his heart but I thought he would understand that in the end, we weren’t right for each other.

But I was wrong.

He moved on and found a new woman to make him happy and I was genuinely happy for him but in December 2018, he contacted me. He told me that he was getting married to his partner but he still had feelings for me, and he wouldn’t marry her if there was still a chance that we could be together again one day.

I told him that I am happy with my fiancé and that there is no future for us and then he hung up on me. I never spoke to him again after that. I have always been honest with my fiancé and I had every intention of telling him what happened but I believed that it would be best not to tell him at that time because he was enlisted.

He was already going through the stress of being in the army I didn’t want to add on to that, especially because we couldn’t talk whenever we wanted to.

So I was afraid that he was going to turn it into something bigger in his mind and it was going to drive him crazy while we were so far away from each other. I decided to just have that talk with him when he got discharged, but when he finally did I was too excited and happy to be with him again that the whole situation just never crossed my mind.

So I never actually told him what happened.

Fast forward to now, my fiancé and I are more in love than ever and happily living together. A few days ago we had friends over and ended up playing ‘Never Have I Ever’ and one of my friends said ‘Never have I ever messaged an Ex while with my current partner’ and I suddenly remembered the confession so I put my finger down and everyone started ‘ooh’-ing and pushing me to tell what happened and I just brushed it off and said it was nothing serious or romantic and we continued playing.

After our friends left he asked me about speaking to my Ex and I told him everything and explained why I didn’t tell him when it happened and he got upset. I have tried to explain my reasoning but he says I should have just told him anyways, no matter what.

I love him more than anything.

I am afraid that I have ruined his trust in me and hurt our relationship. I was trying to be considerate of his feelings while he was in the army but because of his reaction now I feel like I did the wrong thing by not telling him.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

You hid the fact that you had contact with an ex and you only revealed that to him in front of other friends. Because of the way your interaction with your ex went, I think that you should have trusted your fiance to understand that you made it clear to your ex that there was no chance of you two ever being together again.

Personally, I’d feel even more comfortable in my relationship knowing my SO was shutting down her exes like that if she told me right away.

And just as important, your timing of when to reveal that information was likely embarrassing for your fiance. Especially if it was obvious to everyone else that he had no idea.

Unfortunately, it’s possible that he’ll begin to wonder what other stuff you’ve not told him that he should know.

I don’t think this mistake is enough to break an otherwise healthy relationship, but you’ll have to show that you’re not going to hide anything like that from him in the future because I do think that you should’ve shared what happened with your fiance as soon as possible and let him decide if it is something that he’ll stress over.” confrey

Another User Comments:

“YTJ for bringing it up during “never have I ever” – that was really odd and childish of you.

Were you a jerk not to tell him everything in the first place? I don’t know. Personally, I like to opt for everything-on-the-table style honesty in my relationship because that suits me, but I appreciate some people are more private. You didn’t do anything wrong or betray his trust in turning down your ex, and I think there’s a fair argument to say that you don’t owe it to your partner to recount all conversations with exes if they have no bearing on your relationship or your future.

The jury is out about whether you’re a jerk for that.

But, whether you’re a jerk or not isn’t relevant to the most important factor here, which was that you didn’t tell him specifically because you didn’t trust him to react in an appropriate way. You specifically mention that as the reason for not telling him.

Marriage has plenty of joy and fun, but there are also times when things get difficult and you need to put faith in your partner and be able to rely on them putting faith in you. It sounds like you two don’t have that dynamic, and that to me seems like a real problem.” Fayebie17

Another User Comments:

“I’m gonna go with a very very soft ESH – You because while I understand completely why you did not tell your fiancé when he was enlisted, it does seem (to him) as if you were never gonna tell him.

It also makes it seems as if you’re hiding something bigger and are now just minimizing the whole interaction. Your fiancé for putting all the blame on you when you were trying to not add another stress to his life. It’s easy to say that ‘it would have been better to know then’ when he doesn’t really live with all the bad emotions of the moment.

Most of all, your ex for putting you in such a distasteful situation.” -Alula

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. It’s never okay to hide information from a partner that could hurt them, and it’s especially not okay to blindside them with it by telling all of your friends first during a drinking game.

If you were worried about how he would take it, you could have given him a heads up: ‘Hey, this thing happened that in no way affects our relationship, but I think it will add stress to your deployment, so I want to check in with you to see if you want to hear it now.'” bethfromHR

-2 points (2 votes)
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kipa 4 months ago
Ntj. I don't understand the whole "can't be in touch with an ex" concept at all. I am good friends with most of my exes and whilst I might mention meeting up with an ex for lunch or something, I also might not, because it isn't actually relevant.

Unless you have some sort of agreement with your current fiancé about the ex, you have done absolutely nothing wrong. Your current fiancé doesn't own you or your right to talk to anyone you want to.

You weren't dishonest. You dealt with this issue and really should have thought no more about it.
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Sometimes it's obvious, other times it's not! You be the judge about who's the jerk! Upvote, downvote, and comment on your favorite stories by signing up for a Metaspoon account. Click Log In at the top right corner of this page to get started. (Note: Some stories have been shortened and modified for our audiences)