People Question "Am I The Jerk?" In These Stories
15. AITJ For Getting Mad That My Husband Is Unhygienic?
“So, like many, we have a towel for drying dishes that hangs on our oven. My husband has an infected toe and part of the treatment is to soak his foot in the water with Epsom salts.
He has been doing this soak after work usually, not right after showering or washing his feet.
I just found out that for the last week he has been using our dish towel to dry his foot off after his soak.
And then he hangs the towel back on the oven as if it is clean.
I’ve been using this towel to dry my clean hands and dishes all week.
When I found out I was almost gagging, I thought it was so disgusting.
My husband says it’s no big deal and that I’m overreacting. He thinks that his foot is clean because it’s been soaking in water. Should I divorce him lol?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, ahhh your husband is so gross… throw him away!! How can a grown man not know that in order for his foot to be clean he needs something besides just water? I bet he’s one of those people that don’t wash his legs or feet in the shower too.
Probably just thinks the water running over them is good enough. You should question all of his hygiene from now on.” Popular_Bumblebee255
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he needs a lesson in hygiene & infections 101. If you’re drying off an infected area, you should be using sterile gauze or a clean towel; not for nothing but dish towels aren’t that clean BUT they do tend to be cleaner than a freshly soaked foot.
I’d be skeeved too if I learned my husband dried his foot on my dish towel and then put it back like he never touched it; that’s straight-up disgusting!” Few-Entrepreneur383
Another User Comments:
“I just swallowed my puke here.
Gross. I feel for you. ‘No big deal’ has the potential to make everyone in your house sick, as I’m certain you know. See if he’ll soak his foot ANYWHERE but the kitchen, preferably in the bathroom.
Assign him his own towel, put it in a bag for laundry & give him another one (7/week). It seems like he just doesn’t know any better, not completely his fault unless he refuses. NTJ.” charlotta98
14. AITJ For Refusing To Buy My Partner His Basic Essentials?
“My partner of 4 years and I work at the same place and get basically the same paycheck ($560ish biweekly). He has a lot more bills than I do because of fines he has to pay monthly and his car insurance is extremely high.
So usually I have like $400 after paying my half of the rent and bills and he has like maybe $240ish after all of his half and his other bills. Just to break it down- we go halves on ALL household stuff – including groceries.
But his car and fines are 100% his responsibility and my car is 100% mine.
So on Friday, we pay all of our bills per usual and his buddy asks to go hang out with him.
I’ve seen this before and forewarned him ahead of time that he needs to be cautious on spending because I wasn’t covering things when he runs out of funds (the last couple of times he went out with buddies he dropped like $140 for food and drinks and I ended up having to pay for his gas for the next week and he does this at least once a month, sometimes twice).
He said that his buddy was covering dinner and paying for gas because he was driving a bit over an hour to get him so it wasn’t an issue. Alright, no problem.
Well, he gets home on Saturday morning around maybe 4ish in an uber because he was trashed.
And then he tells me that he spent $80 at the bar and that the uber cost him almost $60 and his friend never gave him gas money because he ‘forgot’. So $140 not including the gas cost.
I drive him to get his car later, wasting $30 in gas. At this point, he only has $40 left. Which he used for gas for work. Well, he ended up asking me to get him food for lunch (we have food at the house but he ‘doesn’t like bringing that stuff’ because its ‘not an easy meal’ – as in he would have to use the break room, lord forbid, versus sit in his car and stuff his face while smoking) so he wanted me to buy snacks and sandwich stuff as well as buy him body wash and toothpaste because he ran out.
It would be one thing if this man had cheaper taste but he doesn’t. He is materialistic.
So the body wash he gets is almost $18, the toothpaste he gets is almost $15 and his sandwiches consist of easily 8 pieces of meat (top of the line ham and roast beef) and two pieces of cheese per sandwich and he always brings 2 or 3 with him to work.
So collectively this would have cost me nearly $60 and once again wouldn’t have any money left over for myself. I wanted to get my hair done for my sister’s wedding next weekend and I wouldn’t have the funds for it if I did this for him AGAIN.
So I told him no. I warned him beforehand and he still went out and spent a lot. He says I’m a jerk because he ‘would do this for me’. Which is up for debate because who knows if he actually would – as I’ve ALWAYS been good with finances and never needed his help so who knows.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the guy has poor financial management skills. But you’re fighting a losing battle by trying to remind him of his assumed priorities. He’s going to continue to tune you out and you’ll keep burning yourself out financially and mentally.
Maybe revisit this issue in a day when you’re both clear-headed? He needs to learn to budget and you need to stop trying to be his mother because that’s not your role. You’ll only resent one another in that kind of dynamic.
I couldn’t be with someone who blows through their paycheck without having a backup for bills and other essentials. I like to save and I get the feeling your guy does not. Can you keep living with the risk of him being financially useless and using you as his backup bank account?” Calm_Memories
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I kinda wanna know your ages though. Not to say anything about an age gap. Just, most 21-26-year-olds go out and recklessly spend (not all.) After a certain age you have been through the wringer enough, you don’t spend so much and typically bring along your SO.
I don’t want to say it’s a big red flag, because it may just be his flaw that he spends too much when he is having fun. Or he is irresponsible with finances. I think if you are willing to stay with him, have him put back about $100 when he goes out.
You can put it somewhere that he can’t touch when he is wasted.
Just make it clear, when he runs out of his fun money, he doesn’t get to take your fun money. An emergency is one thing, but being stubborn about not taking the food at home?? No.” Sweaty_Bluebird_9181
Another User Comments:
“I’m sorry but long-term relationships eventually come down to this – will this person make a good long-term partner?
Let’s say he is amazing in every other imaginable way that a man can be.
He still won’t make a good long-term partner. He is immature and not good at handling finances. If he didn’t have you to fall back on, he’d really pick a night of drinking and smoking over gas to get to work and products to take care of his hygiene?
And it’s one thing if it’s happened once.
But it’s happened multiple times. He’s felt the consequences of this before, but not truly until now because you bailed him out. Now he’s feeling the consequences of his actions and projecting his problems and making them your fault, even after you gave him a heads up beforehand? That is gaslighting at its finest.
You are definitely NTJ. And if your man seriously keeps persisting with the idea that you are a jerk, I’d be preparing to leave him. Because he clearly doesn’t see what he’s doing wrong and how these poor financial habits can have lifelong consequences (debt!!!! bill collectors!!!!! constant stress of living paycheck to paycheck!!!!! your entire day being ruined when an emergency comes up and you have 0 savings to cover it.)
You sound like a smart girl, I hope you make the decision and continue to keep your best interest in mind.” Frequent-Impress9910
13. AITJ For Writing A Controversial Essay At School?
“My English class had a project to write an essay with the point of persuading people to agree with an unpopular opinion.
My family is Christian, and most of my community is, I was raised that way but am no longer faithful.
But they still are, and say gossiping is sinful.
I thought it would be interesting to write an essay saying that gossip is good.
I came up with a bunch of arguments that I’ll give you for context.
- Gossip acts as a warning and helps people protect themselves. For example, I wouldn’t go out with anyone who I heard was cruel to their exes.
- Gossip can reveal other people’s values and help determine social compatibility.
For example, if I met a person who gossiped nastily about LGBT people I would know to keep away.
- Gossip can be a bonding experience between friends, it is cathartic to vent about emotional events rather than stew in silence.
- ‘Gossip’ is a gendered term, men’s talk is rarely called gossip.
Perhaps the reason that talk is seen as negative for women but neutral for men, is that women’s voices are often undervalued and demeaned. Also, some people fear the impact of women sharing their experiences and thoughts freely.
- When conversations are called ‘gossipy’, it can often be out of suppression rather than kindness.
For example, when the church discourages negative talk about religious leaders, that is dangerous.
- Yes, some talk is hurtful. But it should be called bigoted, racist, or something specific. Not simply called gossip, because calling it gossip minimizes it.
I turned it in a little nervous about how my English teacher would react because I felt like I picked a really unpopular opinion.
She’s always telling students not to gossip, so I was worried she might also take it personally.
Today, my teacher told me that she and the guidance counselor wanted to discuss my essay in a meeting after school this week.
I asked why and she said we’d talk in the meeting. I asked about my grade and she said she hadn’t assigned a grade yet.
My parents were also called, and when they found out I wrote an essay called ‘In Defense of Gossip’ they were mad.
I wanted to read them the essay but honestly, they were so mad I didn’t think they’d listen to 15 pages.
They said they didn’t raise me this way and that I was encouraging bullying, and saying that I was being provocative on purpose.
I feel that’s kinda unfair, my teacher told us to defend an unpopular or controversial opinion and now people are mad I followed the assignment earnestly?
I guess I can see where my teacher is coming from a little because it might feel like a personal attack since she hates gossip.
And my parents too, it might feel like I never listened to the stuff they taught me about kindness.
But I feel also like I was honest.
AITJ for writing that essay? I had a feeling it would be controversial.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The assignment was to defend something controversial. I’d say you succeeded and learned a valuable life lesson about how traditionalists react when truly challenged.
Ask the teacher what she really expected when she asked students to defend unpopular opinions.
Chances are she expected half-hearted defenses of positions the students disagreed with personally to help students figure out how logic and persuasion work.
Instead of a weak argument about something mild and tame, your teacher got a detailed, intelligent rationale for why she is wrong in her own behavior.
She was disturbed that your paper meant actually paying attention to how she applied her authority rather than a simple, broad application.
I wrote one of those persuasive papers on an unpopular opinion that argued that 60% to 80% of the human race should be eliminated by any means necessary once every 200-400 years regardless of population selection methods.
I got to talk to the guidance counselor about that for a few weeks.” LeoSolaris
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. At all. It is important to learn to be the, ironically for Christians, devil’s advocate. Not only does it greatly widen your perspective, but also makes you better at advocating for issues you support when you are able to appreciate both sides.
All in all, it makes you a more nuanced thinker, along with making you tolerant of other people’s unorthodox beliefs.
Now, coming to the topic of gossip: Humans actually evolved to gossip. In a way, gossip functions to strengthen the social contract and to prevent people from exploiting the absence of written agreements, thus greatly serving to solve the free rider’s problem.
For an instance, if some friends hang out in a group and periodically go together for dinner, with different people covering dinner on different occasions while not keeping tab of the accounting dollar by dollar, the leech who never pays and takes advantage every time with no good reason will soon be shut down or excluded due to gossip by other group members.
Moreover, if the gossip is malicious or foolish, it also serves to expose the person gossiping and warns you to stay away, as you rightly mentioned.
You have mentioned some great points in your essay.
You’re on your way to becoming a philosopher. Even if you end up getting a bad grade on this assignment or get reprimanded for your cheeky essay, they won’t be able to chase you down and stop you from being successful in life.
And those of your classmates who censor their thoughts to be in the good books of these teachers and the community will be locked up in this prison forever, like sheep in a barn.
Also, tell your teacher that if she didn’t like your essay, whether due to her personal bias or on the merit of your arguments, she didn’t have to gossip to the whole wide world about it.” OwlCatAristotle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You wrote an essay that challenged a commonly held assumption with well-reasoned and thoughtful counterarguments. That’s a good scholarship and you should be proud of it. You didn’t just write ‘gossip is good because I like it haha’ or ‘who cares about others’ feelings?’ You raised insightful and nuanced points.
Your teacher was out of line. Your parents are out of line.
Your school and parents may not value your work, but well-written and reasoned arguments are very important outside your school and town. Colleges care.
Graduate schools care. Several fields of study and practice rely on this skill. You seem like you are also thoughtful about considering counterpoints and accepting and incorporating feedback. I can’t stress enough how fantastic a skill that is and how well it will serve you.
Being able to write well, make good points, state them clearly, and incorporate counterpoints and feedback are important and rare skills that take lots of development. They are like a muscle that weakens if you don’t use them. Don’t let them convince you to let that happen. You have so much potential and I would be proud to have you as one of my students.” RageNap
12. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Partner For Licking All The Oreos?
“Yesterday I went to get myself a couple of Oreos and I noticed that they looked like they were taken apart and put back together. The cream was smeared/gone from a couple. My partner confirmed that she licked Every.
Single. One. of them and put them back in the box. She kept saying ‘just eat your chocolate chips!’ but that’s not the point. It’s not hygienic having licked food just lying around the house like that.
It’s just gross.
Today she’s doubling down. When the groceries came, she opened her chips in front of me, licked one of them all over, like just slobbered all over it, then put it back in the bag and shook it up.
Now I can’t eat any of them because I don’t know which ones have spit on them.
My partner says I’m the jerk for not letting this go, but I can’t it’s so gross.
Edit: I just want to clarify a few things:
They’re not HER snacks.
We pick our own snacks, but we pay for groceries together, so technically they’re all OUR snacks.
I usually try to eat the ones I picked first, but sometimes I run out or get bored of the same thing.
She’s welcome to have mine if she wanted.
She never finishes her snacks. She eats like a bird, while I work out and need a lot more calories. It makes no sense for her to hoard snacks that she will never finish before they go bad.
We talked and I apologized. We agreed to buy separate snacks that we pay for ourselves. It kinda feels more like a roommate thing than a partner thing, and she wouldn’t agree to stop licking her snacks, which makes me think it might be a deeper issue, but it’s just not worth the hassle to me at this point so I let it go.”
Another User Comments:
“I really don’t understand why you’re so perplexed by this situation, OP.
As annoyed as you are about your girl licking the snacks, she’s probably equally irritated with you, if not even more so. You both split the cost of groceries 50/50, yet you feel entitled to consume the lion’s share because she doesn’t eat everything as quickly as you.
Saying you’re fine with her ‘trying’ some of your snacks doesn’t make this equitable.
Take the relationship out of the equation. Say you were sharing an apartment with a friend and similarly split the bills.
How would you feel if he decided to eat 75% of the shared groceries because he ate substantially more than you? Would you be annoyed? Would you want to find a way to keep him from always finishing them off first? That’s probably how your gut feels.
Yeah, licking is kinda gross, but if they are her designated snacks, she’s free to do whatever it takes to prevent you from selfishly hoarding them.
Btw, working out doesn’t burn as many calories as you think it does, certainly not enough to justify eating bags of Oreos or chips mostly by yourself (a regular size bag contains 1,920 calories).
Unless you’re a pro athlete or lifting heavily for an hour+ per day, you’re probably only burning a few hundred calories more than your baseline. In other words, working out is no excuse for being a selfish jerk.
If you want more food for yourself, then buy it with your own money. It’s not fair that your girl is expected to cover all her grocery expenses plus much of yours.
YTJ.” Zealous_Zebras
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You steal her snacks. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean she’s given up the right to own a few things of her own, even if it’s just a box of Oreos. She, on the other hand, is being gross.
You two are acting more like brother and sister than lovers. I find the whole dynamic gross. Leave her snacks alone and maybe she’ll knock it off.
Saw your edit: look, you can keep insisting that all her snacks are actually ‘ours’ (or functionally yours) because you share a grocery bill, but clearly she’d like some of her own and is willing to enforce her rights here.
When I was in her shoes, I got a few locked boxes to hide in the closet and found over time, that I needed more and more locks – not just for snacks, but all things he thought were his, just because they were mine.
That’s not a good sign. Just respect the woman. Once she realizes locks respect her more than her partner, she might decide to lock up more than just the Oreos.” newbeginingshey
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Most people don’t eat an entire package of Oreos in one sitting.
She wants some for later. It’s gross, but she wouldn’t be resorting to this if you’d back off her snacks. It’s not ‘living like roommates’, it’s basic respect and boundaries. Being a couple doesn’t entitle you to everything she has.
It’s healthy for people to have things that are just theirs. We have a set of plastic drawers. Everyone in the house has their own drawer and there’s a drawer for shared snacks. If you require more snacks, buy more snacks.
If it isn’t in the budget, each of you buys your own snacks. If her drawer is still full on grocery day, she doesn’t need snacks and you can buy some just for yourself.
We use plastic Tupperware containers and split snacks like cookies, chips, etc so that we don’t have to buy multiple packages. Your argument of ‘we both pay for groceries equally so nothing can be off-limits’ is stupid. Yes, you’re both paying equally, but you’re eating all of yours and half of hers too. That’s not equal.” crazymamallama
That WAS ridiculous, and yes pretty gross, I wouldn't have been happy either. And I'll bet if it were the other way around, you all would have jumped all over HIM. She obviously knows that he occasionally likes oreos, so not cool. I'm really wondering if she intended to eventually eat the rest of those 'empty' cookies. And the potato chip, TOTALLY immature.
Stick to your own snacks, tell her the sharing is over
11. AITJ For "Threatening" My New Neighbors With My Dog?
“I (F28) just moved from my city to my first house in a suburban neighborhood about six months ago. Just me and my dog Oaken, a Dutch Shepherd. My dog is trained as a Personal Protection Dog (PPD).
I’m a runner and Oaken runs with me. We were running in our neighborhood’s park and pond area, I had my AirPods in, it was just getting dark.
I’d noticed in passing a guy on his bike on the same trails, and as we were coming around the pond he was stopped on our path.
He waved us down and said he had dropped his keys, asked if I had seen them on the path, and asked if I had a light on me. After all, he thinks he dropped them in the grass, wanted to know if I lived in the neighborhood, which house was mine, and if I was nearby because he didn’t see any cars in the parking area that he didn’t recognize, basically anything to keep us there and keep talking.
Not scary, but annoying with a definite hint of creepy.
After he forgot his initial story and said ‘I’m gonna be so annoyed at myself if I lost another earbud, that’s my third pair and they’re nearly 300 bucks a pop’ I moved to leave and he stood in the path and started asking about Oaken.
Oaken wasn’t doing anything aggressive at this point, no hair raised no growling or barking, he was doing exactly what he was trained to do and every time the guy would move to get closer to us he would just stand between me and him.
The guy asked if he was friendly, asked to pet him, and I said I’d rather he not. He kept saying dogs loved him, blah blah, I again said no and we started to walk around the guy to go.
That’s when he decided it would be a good idea to try to grab Oaken’s leash. (I have no idea why, your guess is as good as mine.) Oaken backed us up, low growl, showed his teeth.
Didn’t snap, didn’t bite. We left.
The encounter was strange enough that I posted it in the Neighborhood app. Nothing accusing the guy of attacking us or anything over the top like that, just that my dog and I had gotten stopped by a stranger out running and a reminder not to grab at a person’s dog or dog leash without permission.
Apparently, Park Guy’s wife read the post and recognized her husband immediately, because since then she’s been telling every neighbor who will listen about my ‘aggressive attack dog.’ I’ve now got a letter from the HOA and apparently, the next homeowner’s meeting has breed-specific bans on the agenda.
While I believe Oaken’s response was appropriate and controlled, I’m feeling sad and disappointed that my new community has the wrong impression. I’m not out to terrify people.
AITJ for posting what I posted to the Neighborhood app and apparently starting a feud with my new neighbor? Was I wrong for calling out Park Guy publicly?
EDIT 1:
Yes, I have a home security system and cameras.
The previous homeowners had a couple of collectible cars in the detached garage/apartment and put in an extensive system.
Park Guy’s questions about where I lived, etc. didn’t immediately set off crazy red flags because I’ve been asked very similar questions by multiple women multiple times in the neighborhood too.
I’m getting the impression I’m the youngest person in the area by a good 20 or more years because people have asked me who my parents are, who I’m visiting etc. It seems like the only ‘young people’ hanging around are ones who drive in from other places to get to the park and this neighborhood seems weirdly territorial about their park.
EDIT 2: I did contact the local police department and they sent two officers out yesterday. I walked them through the situation, at what point I felt uncomfortable, and exactly how the neighbor then unknown to me stood to block me and reached for my dog’s leash.
I gave them my written account and a couple of pictures of exactly where everything happened. I showed them the post on Nextdoor.
The officers were both very encouraging that I had done the right thing by contacting them, although one of them did admit she groaned a little when she got the dispatch to our neighborhood – apparently, this neighborhood has a habit of calling in and reporting ‘suspicious behavior’ that boils down to people who don’t live here using park equipment, fishing in the ponds, or just looking suspicious walking down the street.
While there’s not technically a gate at the front entrance, and there are walking paths around some of the walled-off areas and into the park, the residents feel pretty exclusive about our private, ‘gated’ community and it’s the perfect environment for the ladies whose names start with K to thrive.
The officers went to speak to the neighbor and also his wife, and he admitted to chatting me up because he didn’t recognize me and wanted to know what I was doing there, but he denied he was actually trying to detain me.
He said he saw that my dog had embroidery on his leash and was looking to see if it was an address. The officers gave him a pretty extensive talking to on how inappropriate his behavior was, how lucky he was he didn’t actually put his hands on me or get the leash, and how lucky he was he hadn’t tried to intimidate me further with a weapon or threat, etc.
They advised him it would be a good idea if he steered clear of me in the future, and if he has an actual concern about someone in the neighborhood or the park, to leave it up to LEOs.
His wife apparently tried to convince the cops that I should be thankful people in this neighborhood ‘look out for one another’ and the officers said they very professionally laughed in her face.
Everything is on record now, and I plan on penning a preemptive letter including the police report as an attachment and sending it to the HOA letting them know that if breed-specific motions are on the agenda next meeting I would like to present said information in person.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You didn’t even know who this guy was, you just described an event with an unknown person (whose behavior does frankly come off as suspicious) and ended with a reminder not to grab a person’s dog or leash without permission.
Which is totally reasonable.
She’s the one who outed her husband here – and she didn’t need to go scorched earth.
She could have just not said anything. Or confirmed it was her husband, not some random out-of-area creep trying to trap women, and apologized.
I mean seriously if he’s old enough to be married he’s old enough to know that blocking the path of a woman when it’s getting dark out, trying to prevent them from leaving, and asking invasive questions about where they live is really suspicious.
No, she had to full-on attack your dog.
Your dog backed up and gave a warning only after being approached by a stranger. That’s the opposite of being aggressive.
Aggressive isn’t the absence of friendliness, it’s a very specific set of behaviors.
Everything Park guy did here was inappropriate – and I don’t think you were wrong to post on the neighborhood app. You didn’t know who this guy was. His behavior was creepy, and even without that grabbing for a dog/leash without permission is always a big no-no.
I also think it’s important that grabbing the leash here would have also functioned as another attempt to essentially detain you.
It’s not defensible here – especially since you had already told him no.
Looks like you’re going to need to go to the HOA meeting because this is nonsense.
I am so sorry.
Also: Oaken is a fantastic name.” Kettlewise
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, Oaken was doing his job and keeping you safe, no matter the situation. The creepy neighbor felt the need to grab his leash (I mean, seriously?!) and Oaken reacted as he is trained to do, what did he expect? Surely he should know that any dog, (PPD or not), could react a few ways and very few of them are going to end well for him.
Also, I’m a little concerned that the park guy’s wife knew it was her husband from a description of his behavior, a bit worrying. But, whatever, let her tell everyone that your trained personal protection dog did his job and protected your person.
The fact that the park guy’s story changed is enough reason to be concerned, let alone his weird questions (answers to which are literally none of his business) and grabbing your dog.
You didn’t threaten anyone, neither did Oaken and, as an abuse survivor, I would be thrilled to know that my PPD did his duty and kept me safe.
Whatever reason you have a PPD is not their concern, you have one, and depending on what state you’re in, it’s safer for you to have Oaken than a firearm. (Purely because somebody wouldn’t be able to wrestle Oaken away from you and use him against you.
If you hadn’t guessed, I’m a big fan of PPDs and hope to have one myself one day.)
IMO, you weren’t wrong to post about the park guy, you didn’t know he was a neighbor, and the neighborhood app is to let others know what is going on, including potentially dangerous men/people wandering around.
(I say ‘men’ purely because the odds of a man being a bad person are proven to be significantly higher than a woman being any of those.)
What if you hadn’t reported a man in the area who lied about why he was hanging around on a jogging route and he turned out to grab a child the next week or something? You used the neighborhood app as it is supposed to be used.
Also, children are taught, fairly early, to not touch things that aren’t theirs and not to touch random dogs without the owner’s permission, and certainly not to randomly grab the leash of someone’s dog, so what did he think he was doing, doing any of those things as a grown adult?
Again, what if he had turned out to be a dog snatcher and you hadn’t reported him?
You are not in the wrong and you are NTJ.” catsareniceDEATH
10. AITJ For Not Paying For My Partner's Bed?
“My partner had a horrible mattress that I used to complain about. It was 10+ years old and hurt my back. I didn’t sleep at his place and would drive back because of it.
He often got annoyed and told me to sleep over but I told him to get a new mattress and I would.
Then he bought a $4000 mattress which was obviously way better and I started staying over.
Then I noticed he stopped paying for his share of his food, and meals, if we went out I paid for every activity for both of us. I asked him why I was paying for everything and he told me he bought an expensive mattress for me so I should be paying for everything else until I paid down half of the mattress.
I got mad because this was never discussed and I didn’t agree to buy a $4000 mattress when a $1000 one was fine. We went together to pay for his mattress and he said he wanted the $4000 mattress and never mentioned that I was expected to pay for half of it.
He said if I wasn’t going to pay half we wouldn’t be doing any activities together and I said fine and I would do them with my friends instead.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It doesn’t matter if it’s a fair arrangement or not.
He decided to buy a $4000 mattress without ever mentioning that it would be a shared expense, so he cannot expect it to be a shared expense. It was his choice to do that, and since he didn’t ask for OP’s opinion, permission, or agreement, he can shoulder that cost on his own.
If my partner did this, the first thing I’d do would be to try to explain calmly how I didn’t agree to those terms, and would NOT have agreed to purchase a mattress at that cost if I knew the cost was to be shared.
He can return the mattress (many places allow you up to 90 days) and get a cheaper one that we agree on sharing the cost for or admit that he made this decision alone, which makes the cost HIS alone.
This is pretty basic stuff. Even married, there are very few couples who would go out and buy something that expensive as a joint expense without first discussing it with their partner. Your partner should take this as a learning experience, and you should absolutely not be covering his other expenses in the meantime.
If you want to be really nice, you can offer a portion (maybe up to half a price that you would have agreed to originally).” T00narmy1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – And he sounds too immature to be in an adult relationship.
Why did he have to buy such an outrageously expensive mattress anyway? I recently bought 2 adjustable beds with incredible mattresses for $2,800 (for both). And I thought that was incredibly extravagant. 4k is crazy.
And he wants you to pay half – are you going to get half the mattress if you break up? You two didn’t even talk about the purchase and what his expectations were. I’m sure if you knew his intent, you would have said, ‘God, no.’
He’s resentful you ‘forced’ him to buy a bed and is now taking it out on you.
He’s not taking responsibility for buying such a ridiculously overpriced one. I think you should dump him. This shows a side of him that is definitely worth dumping over.” SammyLoops1
Another User Comments:
“Honestly $400 is probably fine.
Just something not knackered. I spent £250 on a foam mattress and it’s lovely. It’s not luxurious but when it was new, anyone with trouble sleeping on it and no medical condition would be the issue.
It’s supposed to last 20 years though I reckon I’ll end up replacing it before then.
Anyway, everyone agrees, he went nuts on a mattress for him and expects you to subsidize it. He made a stupid decision.
If he’s genuinely broke or lost his savings cushion to do this and does care but wants to not be hand to mouth again then he’ll probably start paying his way again after a couple of months.
If that’s what is going on then he screwed up rather than is a leech, however, that’s probably excessively generous of me or you to assume that. Even then it’s his mistake and he should live with it.
NTJ” Tarquinandpaliquin
9. AITJ For Telling My Wife To Stop Expecting Appreciation?
“I (36M) work full time and my wife (32F) is a SAHM looking after our 2-year-old twins.
When we got married, we both agreed that my wife would be a SAHM, especially since we don’t have any family/grandparents nearby.
We were both in agreement and my wife made it clear she wanted to enjoy seeing our kids grow up (we don’t plan on having any more).
I make a good wage so we are comfortable.
I don’t give my wife any spending limits (obviously we discuss big purchases) so she is free to buy herself things, I make sure she has access to money and she takes care of everything around the house.
I work from home and a typical day for me is 7 am – 5 pm. Once I finish work, I go and spend time with the twins while my wife makes dinner. We put them to bed together and my wife usually clears up in the kitchen.
She is great at her job and the house is spotless. I am happy with this arrangement and I thought my wife was too.
Recently, she has been coming to me and saying that she feels burned out, unappreciated, and taken for granted.
I asked if I could do anything to help and she said that it would be nice if I did something now and again to show that I appreciated her. E.g. buying her favorite bar of chocolate when I go to the shop or something small, just as a gesture of appreciation.
I’ll admit that I didn’t do this, purely because I am not in the habit, to be honest.
We recently had a massive argument because my wife got completely fed up with being ‘treated like a servant’.
She basically said that her working hours are 5 am – 9 pm, 7 days a week and that she feels like I take her for granted. I told her that I understand it’s a tough job but we both get on with our respective roles.
I never ask her to thank me for earning, I think that’s cringeworthy. I get on with my job because I have to provide for my family whereas she wants presents and treats for doing her job.
I essentially said this to her and now I’m wondering if I am the jerk – looking after kids and the house is tiring and she does work hard and takes care of everything.
But at the same time, do I need to thank her on bended knee and buy her things just for doing her job? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Please listen because this is very important. Your wife needs more than you’re giving.
Instead of being defensive about it, please listen to her. She wants to know that you love her, think about her, and care about her. You say you can’t remember to pick her up a bar of chocolate or give her a small gesture of appreciation? No, you CAN remember – I’m sure you have a great memory! You just haven’t made the effort to put a reminder on your phone.
Think about it – twice a week put a reminder in and get her chocolate, flowers, a card with a personal message you’ve written – you need to put in that effort!
As for childcare, anyone looking after twins and keeping a house spotless will get burned out.
It’s great that you help after your workday is over but when does she get a day off? Or even an afternoon? How many times has she gone out with her friends since the twins were born? How many outings have you taken her on?
She’s a human, not a machine, and you need to make sure that she’s getting time off, opportunities to sleep in, time with her friends, and most of all – to know that you love and appreciate her.
She is the mother of your children! She’s your wife! This is not some ‘job’, it’s the most important role a human can take, and her happiness impacts how well she can raise your children.
Please set your ego aside and step into her shoes for a minute. Maybe even send her on a weekend away and take on everything she does before acting like it’s at all equivalent to a job.” HomelyHobbit
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Just because you’re the breadwinner doesn’t mean that you get out of parenting and housework. It’s insane that you expect to work from 7 am to 5 pm but she has to work 24/7 and be unappreciated.
Housework and childcare are very real and very exhausting work. If you don’t believe that, encourage your wife to take a weekend trip and stay with the kids and do everything she does on a daily basis for just one weekend and see how exhausted you are.
You’re not understanding her perspective at all. She’s not wanting gifts and praise for ‘doing her job’ she’s asking you to be a kind and appreciative partner.
You are also a parent. You also live in the house.
You need to parent your children. You need to also cook and clean. Stay-at-home wives need breaks.” Proscuitto1
Another User Comments:
“You are soooo dramatic on that last line. She doesn’t want you to ‘thank her on bended knee’.
She wants a chocolate bar every now and then. She wants to feel loved and appreciated. You know that good feeling when your superior at work tells you that you did a great job? That is what her chocolate bar means.
You work, right? So you get, 1-2 days off a week. You get sick days. You (I hope) get a pay raise from time to time. You (probably) get PTO and vacation time. You get work benefits.
THOSE are things your JOB provides to their employees so they have a decent work experience and feel ‘appreciated’. Jobs also (sometimes) do the thing where they may do something fun for the employees (bringing a pizza or something like that) employee of the month award, promotions, all those are tokens of appreciation earned by your hard work.
But you can’t spend a dollar at the dollar store for a bar of chocolate for your wife once a week? Being a SAHM and Home Maker is a 24/7 job. She doesn’t get days off.
She doesn’t get sick days. She doesn’t get to quit if she gets tired of that job and move on to the next. She is watching 2 toddlers that are in the ‘terrible twos’ state, that is an exhausting thing with just 1 kid let alone 2.
She is burned out. She needs a break and some love and appreciation from her husband.
I stayed at home the first 3 years of my kiddo growing up. (He is 5 now) and my husband would bring my favorite ice cream or donuts on Saturday nights so I could enjoy it when the kiddo went to bed.
He would watch the kiddo for the most part (most part because the kiddo still asked for mom at some point) on Sundays after 10 am which is when he woke up (I let him sleep in because he works all week) and we would order take out so I could take a day off from cooking.
And we would spend the whole day together watching movies or playing games and he would quite literally say ‘The cleaning can wait until tomorrow. You do it every day. One day of being lazy won’t kill anyone’.
He would once every two weeks, take the kiddo to the park and tell me to call my friends for some girl time. He would often just hug me and tell me that I am a good mother and a good wife.
That he loves and appreciates everything I do for our family because he couldn’t imagine doing it without me. Those things meant the world to me. They made me feel good and happy and made the fact that I sacrificed my career for 3 years worth it.
Those are not hard things to do. Be a better husband. Stop comparing your job to hers because there is no comparison. Just show her that you appreciate all that she does for your family and you. Give her some chocolate every now and then.
YTJ.” Fuzzy-Ad559
8. AITJ For Asking My Partner If She's Getting Emotional Because Of Her Period?
“My (20m) partner (20f) used to be on birth control when we first got together but had to go off of it like a year ago, and ever since I track her period. I just use an app on my phone because she still can’t get back on birth control and even though we are safe you never know.
The other day I picked my partner up from work and as soon as she got in the car she started crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said that the day had been stressful and she was feeling overwhelmed and her back hurt and just that she had had a really bad day and felt like crying.
Honestly, my partner doesn’t cry often so I thought there was something seriously wrong, not that having a bad day isn’t a valid reason to just have a good cry, but I thought someone might have harassed her or her manager got on to her.
She works in food service as do I and that sucks.
I asked her again if there was just a specific really bad thing that happened, but she again said no that it was a normal day but she was feeling overwhelmed.
I then remembered that she was supposed to start her period the next day so I asked if she thought she was feeling emotional because she was about to start her period. I’ve heard girls and her talk about how hormones change around when girls get their period so I thought maybe that could be why she was feeling more overwhelmed than usual.
My partner looked at me and was just like: Seriously? Did you seriously say that? And started kinda going in about what a jerk thing that was to say. I apologized and tried to explain that I didn’t mean to make her feel like I was talking down to her because I really wasn’t.
She let it go, but I could tell she was still annoyed even when we got home. I texted my sister later that night like hey did I screw up? And she said I did, but then my mom texted me afterward and told me I didn’t.
(I think my sister had told my mom about it.)
So did I cross a line? I know my girl didn’t appreciate it and I won’t ask her anything like that again, but just in general is that a line not to cross?
Edit: for those asking about tracking the period thing.
It is consensual and my partner does know. My partner has ADHD and it’s just a way for us to keep track of things. I also do most of the grocery shopping and it helps to remember tampons and snacks.
That’s all.
I talked to my partner and apologized for disregarding her feelings and she said she understood and thanked me. Now we’re going to order her favorite takeout because now she is on her period and she just asked to lol.
I’m also going to bring her favorite drink tomorrow after work to surprise her because that is like the only perk of being a barista.”
Another User Comments:
“The only person who can say they are feeling worse than normal because they’re PMS-ing is the woman going through it lol.
You sound like a sweet partner and well-intentioned, but lightly YTJ.
I’d like to suggest a re-frame for you (honestly, the world, but you’re the audience I have right now.) What if women are all the time trying to ignore and deal with nonsense, what if we’re usually suppressing emotions, but getting our periods is actually when things come into focus for us? What if how we feel right before/on our periods is how we truly feel, we just can’t hide it/control it as well? What if your partner would normally not be able to as freely identify or express that she was upset, but she actually had a moment of clarity then, where she was just honestly feeling what she felt?
The default belief that emotionality is abnormal, anything ‘hormonally’ produced isn’t real, etc, is just a minimizing of the range of human emotion and experience, and I’d argue is an outgrowth of patriarchy.
You, unfortunately, tapped into a huge ball of problems here with your question, one that ties into larger issues about emotions, hysteria, dismissiveness, minimizing women’s perspectives, etc.
Women are conditioned to take nonsense, not be angry, and ignore how we truly feel, despite our reputation for being emotional (at least in Western culture.) To then be told that what we feel for a sixth to a quarter of our month is not even actually real is infuriating.” Subject_Wolverine_51
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Many women are sensitive about people, especially men, suggesting their mood is being impacted by their hormones because of all the times someone has used that as an excuse to dismiss our feelings. We’ve had to deal with boys and men our whole lives dismissing our legitimate complaints about something awful they did just because we might be premenstrual.
My best friend has even gotten upset with me about this and we’re both women! Like you, I was in no way trying to dismiss her feelings, just suggesting a potential influencer in the situation.
Personally, I find it a huge relief when I realize my mood swings are PMS-related. She however doesn’t feel that way.
You’ve learned a valuable life lesson. The violence of misogyny has resulted in the victims being irrationally sensitive about some things.
This is one of them. Not your fault, personally; but not her fault either.
In the future, let the woman take the lead. Don’t suggest anyone’s period could be impacting their mood unless they start that convo.
It’s just too triggering for some women.” tiotivel
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
This isn’t the worst way this question is used, but it’s not a great move.
Imagine you had a rough day, a day that may very well have been impacted by your imminent period, and you feel overwhelmed so you start crying.
What do you want to hear?
You want to hear someone being generally supportive, which is how you started. You comfort her and hopefully, this helps her feel less overwhelmed.
What you do not want to hear is, ‘Is this because your period is coming soon?’
It’s not that you’re 100% wrong, that may be impacting it, but it’s not comforting.
The message you’re sending, whether intentional or not, is ‘This probably isn’t actually that bad, right? Do you think it could be your hormones making things seem extra bad?’
I doubt that’s what you were intending, but it’s the message that gets sent.
I figure your partner wasn’t that angry with you, but I see why you’d be a little more bummed the rest of the day if you said, ‘I had an awful day,’ and quickly got, ‘Are you sure it was that bad? You’re on your period soon,’ as a response.
I know that’s not the words you used, but it’s the message that gets received.” Alternative_Stay_202
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It sounds like you wanted to help, but the words just didn’t come out quite right.
If a man asks his female significant other if she is on her period, the next words out of his mouth should always be: ‘What can I do to help? Do you need feminine products, pain pills, a heating pad, chocolate, a glass of wine, a good snuggle, or all of the above?’
It’s not disrespectful to say: ‘Honey, are you in pain, can I help you? Can I get you anything? I don’t want my sweetie to be in pain.’ Offer assistance and sympathy, because that shows that you care.
But asking: ‘Are you feeling extra emotional because of your period?’ IS disrespectful, because we women get our feelings discounted for being ‘too emotional’ all the time.
And there’s nothing unmanly about picking up supplies for your significant other.
My dad, the big burly former Marine, has been known to call my mom from the feminine products aisle to clarify exactly what she wanted. Teenage me found that embarrassing, but twenty-something me now thinks it’s sweet.” MizWhatsit
You DO know that we wimmens have passed around the opinion that PMS = Permanent Male Stupidity, don't you? Testosterone does seem to have a role in invasions, declaring war, serial assaults, etc.
7. AITJ For Pooping In A Garbage Bag At My Job?
“I work at a building in which all the bathrooms are inaccessible to me because when I work there, all the doors are locked by the tenants of each floor. As much as I have asked them to leave one bathroom open, they don’t care.
I simply don’t get why they do that or what is the point.
I spent hours locked in there at night, guarding the place and for like 2 years, I managed to never have to do my needs because I do my best to be empty by the time I went in, especially knowing that there is no bathroom.
One day (last week) I couldn’t hold it, I was clenching hard and I was literally just walking back and forth thinking about anything but I literally could not hold it in. So I thought I could be sneaky and go to the basement floor, I went into a corner, grabbed a bag and took a dump, cleaned myself with like 20 masks I had piled up at the front desk because I didn’t have anything to clean myself up with.
Next thing you know I got fired lol, I was caught by a camera that was newly installed in that area that wasn’t there before. It was a blind spot but I wasn’t told and I never go down to the basement since all you could find there is roaches.
I think honestly this isn’t my fault, I literally have no bathroom and I have to be there from 12-8 am, at some point, anyone would need a bathroom and I held up for YEARS.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but it sounds like you should be suing your employer for not having proper working conditions.
I am pretty sure no bathroom access would violate some workplace codes, I, unfortunately, am not a lawyer so I can’t give you advice on that but something definitely seems off here with the situation.” forevernoob88
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
When I read the title I was laughing… I mean it’s kinda funny you literally pooped into a garbage bag but I don’t blame you one bit.
Also yeah it’s illegal for employers to not have bathrooms accessible. Take it from someone whose mother is an HR manager. But also consider that getting a lawyer or attorney can cost a lot especially if you live in a big city.
Just depends on how much stuff you’re willing to deal with.
Hopefully, you can find another job, IMHO if I were you I probably wouldn’t fight it. Just be glad you’re not working for those idiots.” SnooPandas9542
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I’m fairly certain that there’s a law that states the necessary accommodations – such as a bathroom – need to be supplied by the employer.
There’s also a chance that there’s something about bathrooms in an OSHA handbook.
Being forced to hold in bodily functions that you can’t just hit snooze on is just inhumane (maybe a bit dramatic but oh well) and potentially can affect your health.
A few examples are – Dehydration (cause I’d imagine that you try not to drink very much to avoid needing to pee) – UTI, kidney infection & stones; Constipation, blockages & hemorrhoids the size of golf balls from straining.” boogerpeanut
6. AITJ For Backhanding This Girl In The Face?
“I was in year 10 in high school when this girl, a grade-A student, decided that she was going to make it a regular thing to sneak up on me and slap me in the face.
She would do it to me 2 or 3 times a week for 2 or 3 weeks – she’d sneak up behind me, find some way to get me to turn around, slap me hard in the face and walk off laughing.
Of course, everyone else thought this was hilarious too. One day before science class I noticed her shadow coming toward me from behind. I turned around and she went in for the right-hand slap, but this time I caught it with my left forearm and returned with the hardest backhanded face slap I could muster.
She ran off crying and never did it to me again.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“She is a big ole stinky jerk.
You, OP, are an averagely sized, somewhat recently washed jerk.
As it has been pointed out, she very clearly had a huge crush on you.
You did have the right to defend yourself and while I wouldn’t say you were wrong for slapping back, it was by no means the optimal course of action. You could have just blocked the arm and told her very seriously to stop in as commanding a voice as possible.
That probably would have done the trick. Being put in a place of vulnerability like that would send a strong message.” Stabbytehstabber
Another User Comments:
“There was probably a better way for you to deal with it, but I don’t think you’re the jerk here.
I mean, what kind of person thinks they can hit someone repeatedly for no reason whatsoever without ever being hit back, regardless of gender. I usually hate when people say ‘she was asking for it’ but in this case, it’s hard not to think that.” calamityjo
Another User Comments:
“NO.
It sounds like you were getting bullied, she probably had a crush on you but it’s still bullying.
People suggesting conflict resolution are idiots. The kind of people that do this thing don’t understand anything other than physical contact. You did good and she probably never did that kind of thing to anyone else.” Space_Lift
5. AITJ For Telling My Partner I Refuse To Plan My Meals In Advance?
“I started to live with my partner almost 6 months ago (I’m 34 male, she’s 35 female) and we have this ongoing issue that just escalated. She has this weird obsession with planning food like it’s the most important topic in the world.
She constantly asks me what my plans for food are the moment I wake up, she wants to have discussions about us doing a weekly ‘chart’ with meals, asks me for lists whenever she goes to the store and is just super pushy.
My stance is this – we’re two adults. I have zero expectations of her cooking. I was never in a situation where I was unable to eat because I didn’t plan food in advance.
I really can’t decide what I want before I’m actually hungry, and I don’t see any need to limit myself to these choices. I never spent more than 30 min cooking, I’m fine with us ordering if we’re not in the mood, we have so many options.
Stores are near so we can always buy stuff, there’s always something at home, and we can always do our own thing. Shortly, the topic bores me to death and started to really annoy me.
The other day she again made a speech that I need to tell her what I want to eat so that we can plan and I just bluntly told her that by now isn’t it clear that I can’t and don’t want to decide on these things in advance, that she can just do what she wants and I’ll figure out my own stuff the way I did all this time.
She said that if I don’t communicate what I want to eat to her we can’t plan or get all the necessary ingredients. I asked her when did we ever experience an issue because I expected to eat something I didn’t have ingredients for, and also that I don’t expect her to make food – we can see who is in the mood to cook, order, have something simple…
I finally told her to just never ask this again, that I’m never going to do excel sheets with weekly meal plans, to relax and do what she wants. She is now annoyed and ignoring me.
I don’t get it. The whole thing seems like such a made-up issue
Some additional info: both of us are fit, we’re not on any special diets, we eat fine, no health issues… that would make her particularly concerned.
I’m at the point when I want to walk out of the room whenever she asks anything about food.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here because you both have different outlooks. I think a lot of your issues do come from the way you were both brought up.
You said she comes from a suburban family, so she probably grew up with a weekly shopping trip to get stuff, planning in advance. That’s what families do because no one has the time to go shopping a few times a week when everyone else is doing the same and the process takes hours.
You grew up in the city with a single mom so only two people to think about and easier to stop by and pick up something on the way home. Plus as a working single mom, she may not have wanted to spend hours of what little free time she had on a weekend doing major shopping.
I grew up like this as well and lived this way before getting married and having a kid (you need to plan more for kids to eat all week). It was common to eat by watching a movie or reading a book whenever I got hungry.
Once I was no longer living alone, we would get staples – eggs, rice, pasta, potatoes, drinks, vegetables, etc. weekly, with my husband and I taking turns once the kid came along. Proteins I used to buy every other day, as well as stuff that goes bad quickly (like bananas).
We would also order out.
Well, when 2020 started, a lot of shopping habits changed. We wanted to limit how many times we spent in stores. We started to freeze proteins we could and then maybe get others once a week.
But in either case, we still mostly go with whatever we are in the mood to eat that day, just have to thaw some meat or go buy some fish.
You two can totally compromise, if you choose to, but have to listen to each other.
Make a list of staples you need to be the heart of any meal, as above, and then buy proteins every other day or so or defrost something. That way you both should be satisfied – you are getting most of the stuff in advance but still have the freedom to pick what you want to eat that day.
It’s not a big deal really but both of you are making it one. If you want to be in a relationship, then there is always some compromise. When you’re single, you can eat whenever, in front of the tv or the computer.
When you are in a relationship, you usually eat together. You don’t necessarily have to eat the same thing, but it’s lovely to sit down at a table, talk about the day, and break bread with the people you love.” ladyblue56
Another User Comments:
“Yeah YTJ but maybe she needs to chill out a little too.
Most adults do some kind of meal planning so they can buy groceries for the week. It’s not unusual. It doesn’t have to be militant ‘we must eat this exact dish on this day even if you don’t want it’ though.
Just a rough list of maybe 5 meals for the week so you can buy ingredients then there are plenty of options, including space in there to eat out have leftovers, etc.
It’s not unusual for her to want you to eat the same things together with you, to want to save time and energy by shopping once a week instead of daily, and to have some kind of idea about what’s for dinner.
It’s proven that having to come up with an idea every day after you’ve used all your brainpower at work can lead to poor eating habits, you’re more likely to get take out, etc.
As with all these things, grown-ups communicate and compromise. Your argument is you don’t want to feel pinned down but surely you eat similar things over and over? We all have a set of meals we eat, we don’t experiment with new recipes every day.
Perhaps agree on your list of favorite meals so she can have the ingredients on hand then decide on the night which one you actually want to eat (or skip and get take out if you don’t feel like it).
Her compromise is that it doesn’t have to be an exact 3 meals a day set in stone, it has wiggle room for who feels like eating what at the time.” Neenwil
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Your partner wants to eat with you. She either enjoys cooking for you, or she wants to plan her cooking so it coincides with yours so you eat together. Right now what is happening is she is becoming anxious and feeling like she is waiting on you to have her own meal.
If she has a specific diet then it may be that her meals take longer to prepare so she wants to know what time to get started so you are ready at the same time.
Or perhaps she is busy and doesn’t want to waste time procrastinating about what to have each day and making multiple supermarket trips each week. Or she just wants to manage her finances and budget out what she needs for the week and not have unexpected expenses.
Do you earn more than her? Or does she has more outgoings? She might need to budget more than you.
But in as much as she is over the top, you are too, in the opposite way.
Most people who have to budget/have a family to cook for will plan roughly what they need for meals for the week, which days they need easy meals because they are busy, and which days more involved meals can be prepared.
You refusing to make any sort of decision on anything food-related must be frustrating for her, and you aren’t learning how to organize yourself or manage a budget. You guys need to try and meet in the middle, at least a few times a week if this relationship is going to last.
At some point, you will be combining your finances and it’s not reasonable for her to not know what you are going to be spending on the food budget she is paying into.” JWJulie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I am very similar to you. I can usually get what I need to survive, and don’t think much beyond that; if I have a particular meal in mind, I buy the supplies then.
However, my husband is more similar to your girl. We have made a compromise as such:
We plan some meals out, but not days–we know we’ll have lasagna one night, and roast another, so we get those ingredients.
We also keep a standard set of supplies in the house, so in case we can’t decide on something there is still food in the house–mac and cheese, ramen noodles, etc.
If your partner wants a list–just make a generic list of supplies that you may or may not need.
You make spaghetti the other night and now need sauce/noodles? Add them to the list, even if you don’t think you’ll want spaghetti again for a bit. I keep a list of items on my phone that I’ll add to through the week as I notice things run out–TP, butter, etc, so I don’t forget things that may prevent a spontaneous meal in the future when I’m hungry.
This could be a good compromise for you–you’re not planning meals, and your partner gets a list of food that’ll make you happy as she goes shopping.
Your partner may have some sort of neuroticism over her food.
It may make her anxious to think that if she doesn’t plan for it, she won’t get to eat or something. She may benefit from therapy if she literally cannot make compromises with the food.” Mistress-DragonFlame
4. AITJ For Selling My Christmas Gifts?
“So my brother and I always get each other Christmas gifts, he tells me things throughout the year that he wouldn’t mind owning, and if he hasn’t got them by the end of the year, I’ll usually get him one of the things I know he wanted.
I was hinting to my brother about a few things all December, one included paintings for my house (5 in total) that match the decor in each room and the furniture and he said he’d be happy to do it.
When his Christmas gifts to me arrived in the mail… I was shocked to find the paintings and nothing else. I was under the impression that he was doing them a favor for me and there were other things I wanted more than the artwork.
Instead of complaining about it, I sold the artwork for what he would have sold them for (it came up to about 22k) and managed to get everything I wanted on my wish list!!!
My brother was less than pleased when he found out and said I’m a complete jerk and that I shouldn’t be selling gifts he put so much work into, let alone profiting off the gifts when he gave them to me for free and he could have made that amount for himself.
I personally think he’s overreacting, you’re not supposed to tell someone what a Christmas gift is in the first place. I thanked him for basically buying everything on my list for me anyway and now he’s refusing to answer any of my phone calls or respond to any texts.
I honestly don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong here… people resell unwanted gifts all the time, even he’s sold a few things I’ve purchased for him! (a tablet, laptop, and stereo) but he’s convinced this is somehow different.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, if I understand correctly, you told your artist brother you liked some of his work and it would go well with your decor, so for Christmas, he gifted you 5 (!!) paintings he made that you already told him you liked, are worth 22k (dollar?!?!).
And instead of appreciating that he gave you his work after ‘hinting at him that you liked them’, that quite literally would make him rich, you sold it for an insane amount and disrespected his time and effort just bc you wanted more and expected to get this painting EXTRA…? Everyone could’ve gotten your stuff off a list, you can even buy them yourself.
Only your brother could’ve gifted you his paintings. Besides, you say you get him 1 thing off his list and now he is supposed to get you ALL off of your lists? Excuse me?
I would be surprised if he ever does anything for you after this, you are ungrateful.
If you waited like a few years before selling one or two because you redecorated your house and it doesn’t go anymore, OK. But right away?? You’re a spoiled brat.” unfortunatemm
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I mean, it’s absolutely your right to do what you like with your gifts, but you are still the jerk here.
You state that you usually get your brother ONE of the things you know he wants. In return this Christmas, he gave you FIVE things he knew you wanted. According to you, that’s not enough.
Your gift list sounds like it’s ridiculous if it came to the 22k that you gained from selling the paintings, yet you have given him things like a tablet and a laptop, which come to nowhere near that.
You’re entitled and deluded.
All you were doing was hinting about a gift and you didn’t explicitly ask him if he would be kind enough to do all that work for you for free, why did you assume he’d give you five bespoke paintings for ‘free’? I say ‘free’ as it is for you, but not for him – he used his materials and no small amount of time that could (should) have been spent better elsewhere.
He made these paintings specifically for YOU and you just went and sold them – doing this after all those hints and then saying they were unwanted. You are most definitely the jerk and don’t be surprised if your brother doesn’t bother gifting you anything ever again.” Click_for_noodles
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – First off, 5 paintings that he spent time planning out and working on is more than enough for a gift, you are just devaluing the paintings because they weren’t store-bought.
If he had bought you 22k worth of paintings instead of making them himself, you wouldn’t be acting so ungrateful for getting them as a gift.
Second, did you give him a 22k Christmas gift too? Because unless you shelled out that much for his gifts, he gave you more than you gave him and you turned around and went these things that you worked so hard on to personalize for my home, yeah I’m gonna sell them to a stranger because I don’t care about the emotional worth you put into them.
This wasn’t some trashy DIY artwork made of paper and glitter glue, the fact that 5 paintings sold for 22k means they were highly valuable. You just didn’t care because you devalue his work.
You’re the jerk – and also him selling gifts in the past to pay for food for his children? Not an equivalent thing. He did it to pay for essential needs, you bought luxuries that you could have gone without.
You put money into the gifts he sold, he put his time, effort, considerable skill, and so much creativity which you did not value in any way which makes you the jerk and a big one at that.” AntiqueRaspberries
3. AITJ For Taking A Nap At A Funeral?
“My ex from a couple of years back passed away recently. I got an invitation to her funeral from her family. I was reluctant on going because it’s been about 2 years since I’d seen her, and the funeral was being held hours away from me.
I confided in my friends and they urged me to attend the funeral. I went to sleep a bit later, and because of this, I didn’t get that much sleep. And, I have to get up super early in the morning to get my outfit ready, etc.
I had about 3-4 hours of sleep. I was absolutely tired. I didn’t take a nap before the funeral because I don’t like taking naps.
Nonetheless, I drove what seemed like a lifetime to arrive at the funeral home.
I walk in there, get into awkward convos, and get into my seat. The usual at funerals, right? I laid my head back and waited till the wake started. (This was a wake, the actual burial is tomorrow for context.) Well, like 5 minutes after I took my seat I apparently fell asleep because I woke up to someone next to me nudging me.
And I woke up right as the pastor dude was about to give a speech. I might’ve been snoring because I heard a couple of kids near the back laugh a lot. And to add the cherry on top, after the wake was over and everyone was going home, I was confronted by my ex’s dad.
He basically told me to not come to the actual funeral tomorrow in the politest way possible. Now, his wife standing next to him… She was less polite. When I told them about how I didn’t get enough sleep last night, she tells me why I didn’t take a nap or drink coffee before.
AITJ for taking a nap at a wake (before it started)?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The poor family just lost their daughter and the parents had to deal with you? Wow. It was really disrespectful and immature of you to do that.
If you were THAT tired (which I take leave to doubt… who among us has not pulled an all-nighter for school/work and functioned fine on less than 3-4 hours? c’mon) when you got there you should have known it.
Fact is, the event/company wasn’t important enough for you to try and act correctly. If it was a big test or meeting instead, something you truly cared about, I bet you wouldn’t have dozed off.
Next time trust your gut and don’t do/go to things you don’t want to. Clearly, your friends pressured you into it and you were never really interested in going.
Or at least bailout next time.
If you got there and knew you couldn’t stay awake for a few hours like a fully functioning adult you should have had the self-awareness to not even go in there – it would have been more polite to turn around and just go home.
It wasn’t about YOU, it was about her and her family, but your actions made it ‘all about you’.
Damage control… If you never have to see these people again so much the better – if you do, were I you, I’d be sending an apology card for my selfish actions and maybe a classy gift or something.” Verity41
Another User Comments:
“I think you took the ‘wake’ part a bit too literally.
Even if you were no longer close to your ex, the room was full of grieving people who had just lost a loved one. Dozing off was extremely insensitive. I realize that you probably didn’t do it intentionally, but the damage was still done.
YTJ. Coffee is key for situations like this.” Word_In_Hand
Another User Comments:
“Imagine the description you described above was of someone you loved very deeply, won’t curse anyone of your family, but just imagine someone you love very deeply has passed away.
You’re mourning their loss remembering the times together, thinking about the things you can’t do anymore with them then suddenly
Zzzzzzz
In the end, you hear well I was tired as the defense, sounds funny now?
It’s easy to see the humor when we have no feeling (got to admit it does sound funny someone snoring at a funeral) but to the person suffering at that time, it’s adding more pain.
They might be able to look back and find it funny but at the time it was very disrespectful. So YTJ for not just saying I’m sorry I know it was bad rather than justify why you fell asleep.” shadows-78
Second, there is nothing worse than being sleep deprived and having to drive for a longer distance!! There's a reason that parents often resort to putting an inconsolable infant in the car and just DRIVE!!! Automobiles are exceedingly soothing and enthralling when rolling down the road; it's one of the reasons that we hear more and more about NOT DRIVING SLEEPY!!
THIRD, this person DID NOT INTENTIONALLY fall asleep, he laid his head back & shut his eyes waiting for the wake to begin. Now his being tired DID make him susceptible to falling asleep, but it's was NOT his intent. Had the suspected snoring not occurred it's likely no one (other than maybe those sitting immediately beside him) would have been the wiser.
Was it upsetting to the family - UNDOUBTEDLY - but I can't see inviting an ex boy/girlfriend to attend the funeral in the first place - ESPECIALLY when the break up was at least 2 years prior - unless that had been a continued relatively close friendship between the parties. NOTE: Ex husbands/wifes IF there are children involved - ABSOLUTELY. I'm NOT implying any "jerkness" to the family for their response, as they were in mourning and probably still at least partially in shock over their loss. But for others to attack this individual for a HUMAN FAILING - WITH NO INTENT FUELING IT, is the epitome of Jerkdom!!
2. AITJ For Peeing In A Jar?
“The other day, I woke up at about 7 am and had to go to the bathroom. I left my room and found that the bathroom near my room was locked and someone was showering.
That meant the only other bathroom in the house was downstairs in my parent’s room, and one of them would likely still be sleeping at 7ish. I didn’t feel like confirming that, because then I would wake myself up too much, and I wanted to go back to sleep after emptying my bladder.
So I went to the kitchen and got a glass jar with the built-in rubber sealed lids and latch. I took it to my room, peed into it, and then sealed it and hid it in my closet, planning to deal with it when I woke up later.
So here’s where I might be the jerk. I plan on cleaning out the jar thoroughly, ensuring that there will be no possible trace of urine (although my partner thinks there may still end up being some under the seal, I am doubtful of this).
I have done this before, and after cleaning it (AND I MEAN THOROUGHLY, I don’t mess around with the cleaning process), they end up back in the kitchen cabinets, to potentially be used for food.
She says that I am the jerk for subjecting my family to my pee jars. I think that so long as I am cleaning all trace amounts of urine out, then the only gross part about it is the concept of there having been pee in it.
And since my family never finds out about this conceptual pee, then it becomes philosophically irrelevant, and there is no tangible harm done. I argue that somebody is exposed to more pee particles by simply breathing inside a bathroom than using the jars I have previously peed in and then cleaned.
I could be the jerk because I allow people to use jars that I have peed in for food, and because most people would be disgusted if they realized someone had peed in a jar and they drank out of it, regardless of whether or not trace urine is still present.
Edit: Her snitching on me would undoubtedly cause more harm and would be an immoral choice to make
This is not an issue of hygiene, it’s an issue of respect. There is no trace amount of pee in the jars people may drink out of, they are as clean as any other utensil in the house, probably cleaner given how strenuously they have been cleaned afterward.
The problem lies not in that, but instead in how uncomfortable someone would feel if they found out that it was ONCE used for such a purpose. I personally can’t relate to this. If it’s clean, it’s clean for me, I care only about whether or not there are gross molecules in/on something currently, not if there once were.
However, I can now see that a grand majority of people don’t feel that way, and so I owe it to them to respect their wishes, even when they’re not there to know I’m doing it.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, aside from everything else you can close a Kilner jar (as the rubber seal ones are known versus a Mason jar) without the rubber seal.
It is used to make the jar airtight when you put warm stuff into it and create a vacuum seal. People store dry goods in them with the seal on because it saves losing them and is neater.
But if you put anything with moisture in the jars and use the seal you need to sterilize the jar (oven or dishwasher) and boil the rubber. While both are hot and your product (Jam, meat, etc) is still hot you seal the jar by closing it to create a vacuum that prevents amongst other things botulism.
This kind of jar is even worse for a pee jar than a Mason jar or just a regular jar. Which is a sentence I really never wanted to write.
You have to sterilize them even if you previously stored rice and washed it out to put stewed fruit in let alone urine.
And yes if you wash it out and don’t boil the rubber after peeing in it even storing rice in there is a health hazard.
If you have a shared bathroom situation get a brightly colored plastic jug and keep it as the pee jug.
Wash well with a bit of peroxide or bleach and keep it separate from food or kitchen items. It’s a bit gross but not unheard of in shared housing.
But do not mix cooking and eating receptacles with your pee, vomit, or menstrual cup if you share a kitchen.
It is so depressing two years into a health crisis to see how constantly filthy people are around the most basic hygiene. It’s like so many people have learned nothing at all about how infection spreads.
And FYI the urine jar or bottle is a cliche as a turn-off in so many movies for a reason. People who need to use commodes etc for medical reasons are extremely aware that adult urine smells very quickly and has an instinctive ‘repelling’ effect on the human disgust response.
Closing a jar up intending to get rid of it at some point is fetid. Totally different to need to quickly and cleaned up quickly.” IFeelMoiGerbil
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. For Pete’s sake if this happens to you regularly (and apparently it does for some reason) just have a dedicated urine jar or use a disposable container.
The other people in your household have the right to determine how much pee they are comfortable potentially consuming, and since you’ve gone to great lengths to avoid having the discussion with them clearly you are aware the ideal amount for them is zero.
Somehow I think you’d be less devil-may-care about this if one day after finishing a meal your partner informed you she had taken a dump on that plate earlier but it’s ok because she definitely cleaned it up to her standards and so it should be no issue for you.” ThrowawayAdvice1800
Another User Comments:
“‘And since my family never finds out about this conceptual pee, then it becomes philosophically irrelevant, and there is no tangible harm done.
I argue that somebody is exposed to more pee particles by simply breathing inside a bathroom than using the jars I have previously peed in and then cleaned.’
I want to vote NTJ because this is one of my favorite couple of sentences I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading.
Although the jars are clean and there’s no possible trace of pee left if cleaned properly, I think it’s just the thought of drinking out of multiple receptacles that once contained another person’s urine that would bother the roommates.
From a logical standpoint, you’re right, but from a roommate standpoint, rotating your pee jars in and out of the cupboards is probably something that sticks in their minds every time they make a drink. So, I guess YTJ. But your articulations expressed makes me think overall, we could still be friends.” Dylans116thDream
1. AITJ For Not Helping Out The Lady Who Hit My Car?
“I am financially well-to-do and my car is worth approximately $100,000.
A couple of months back I was driving and turned left on a protected green light. I was hit by a driver coming in the opposite direction who ran their red light.
Thankfully no one was hurt. The cops came and I told them what happened, and a witness who was behind me backed up my story. The driver was a young lady and she apologized and said she was distracted and didn’t see the red light.
We exchanged contact & insurance information and the cops assigned her 100% of the blame in the report.
My car was totaled. Her insurance only covered about half the damages I was owed. Not a problem, that’s why I carry underinsured motorist insurance, and my insurance covered the remainder and I was made whole.
A week or so ago I got an email from her. She said that I was ruining her life as she was being sued by my insurance company for the amount they had to pay over her insurance’s max coverage.
She would have to drop out of college and find a lawyer to fight the case, not to mention the damages she’d owe if she lost. She asked me to drop the suit and work out some other way to fix this situation.
I replied and explained that I was not suing her, it was not my decision, I did not have any influence over what my insurance’s legal team was doing, and that she had been judged as solely responsible for the accident so it was out of my hands.
(She also wrote that if I had been driving a ‘normal’ car her insurance would have covered all the damages and it’s not right that she loses her future because of the type of car I chose to drive.)
She wrote back asking if I could personally loan her the funds to pay off the damages and then she would work out some way to pay me back.
I have ignored this email.
I was talking to a couple of friends and told them this story, and one of them said that even though she was responsible for the accident, he could see her side of the story and I should consider loaning her the funds since I could afford it (which is true).
AITJ for not helping her out?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I appreciate that you’re not feeling good about this situation, but you have to understand: driving distracted is REALLY bad. She was operating a moving weapon and she ruined a car.
Thank god she didn’t kill someone, but this is a small consequence compared to a loss of life she could’ve caused. She needs to pay attention while driving or not drive, and she didn’t, and so now she’s in deep.
Imagine if you’d died and the insurance company assigned a monetary value to your life – is that more than what your car is worth? I’d say so. Try thinking of it that way and eventually maybe she’ll learn that she is solely responsible for this and – while it’s unfortunate that it’s upending her life – she’s still in a better place now than if she’d harmed someone.
Sorry you’re going through this. Consider seeing a counselor for a short period of time to process how she’s manipulated you into feeling guilt.” SingingPurrmaid
Another User Comments:
“NTJ of course. You’re not even involved in this anymore, why are you even in communication with this person.
How did she even get your email?? Advise your insurance company of her crap and have their lawyers send her a cease and desist order.
As far as her life being ‘ruined’, other than being overly dramatic, she did that when she ran the red light, probably while looking down at her phone.
She won’t be ‘fighting’ this because it’s already a done deal. A friend of mine does almost exclusively cases like this and most times the defendant doesn’t even show up in court because they have no defense.
A judgment will be issued along with a garnishment order and that’s that. No lawyer is even going to take her case. And what you drive is none of her business and not your concern nor of any concern to the courts.
Never have any contact with this person again.
Classic case of someone trying to dodge responsibility for their actions, which seems to be a very popular sentiment these days.
And the person who ‘can see her side’ and is ‘advising’ you to ‘loan’ her the funds is a fool.
You should probably consider distancing yourself from them too.
And one more thing, get a dashcam. They’re super reasonably priced even for a good one and will remove all doubt in situations like this.” StinkingDischarge
Another User Comments:
“Yes legally and technically you are NTJ but IMO you are kinda being a jerk by being so willing to stomp on this girl’s financial future like this ESPECIALLY right now in a health crisis.
She’s clearly young and made a driving mistake EVERY DRIVER has made at least once. She got unlucky when she made the mistake. She was responsible enough to be fully insured (maybe it was her parents’ or maybe it’s hers, either way, she was being financially responsible and aware of future driving risks).
She’s right if you had been driving a less extravagant vehicle her insurance would have been fine and she is a teenager in college about to start experiencing young adulthood and growing into maturity and is going to have to step away from that though to pay for these legal expenses so even though you are not ‘at fault’ you do hold a little bit of accountability here.
I want to know why your insurance company is taking legal action against her if you didn’t ask them to. To me it seems that their job should be to pay you back, isn’t that why you pay them a large amount every month? You’re laying in bed with snakes and you’re totally okay that they are biting other people because they aren’t biting you. That’s gross.” Mediocre_Mechanic_23
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