People Request That We Look Into Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
23. AITJ For Calling My Newborn Baby By Her Middle Name?
“I (55M) have three children from my previous marriage. My third child (16F) is named Isabella but goes by Bella. I have been seeing Ashley (38F) casually for a year and despite us being careful, she became pregnant and at only 31 weeks gave birth to our daughter.
The birth experience was traumatic and Ashley does not want to and probably won’t be able to have another child.
Because she was so early, we never had a chance to discuss names but when I arrived at the hospital the baby was already named Isabella.
Ashley knew that I already have a daughter named Isabella but when I confronted her about it, she said she’s always loved that name and had her heart set on it. I suggested plenty of other names but she refused them all.
The baby’s middle name is Emilia so when I’ve been visiting her in the NICU, that’s what I’ve been calling her.
Ashley and I usually visit at different times so she wasn’t aware that I had been calling her Emilia, but today we went at the same time. She got upset when I called her Emilia and said it was not her name. My older children FaceTimed me to see the baby as they usually do and also called her Emilia and she became livid and started arguing with us.
Everyone pointed out that it would be weird for me to have two children with the same first and last name, and that it was disrespectful to Bella. Bella said she would be fine if we called the baby Izzy but she’s not calling her sister Isabella or Bella.
Ashley says we are all jerks and we are making a hard situation harder on her.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ashley was aware that you had a daughter named Isabella who goes by a common form of that name. It’s not like Bella goes by her middle name.
Even if she did, it would still be weird for you to have two children with the same first name. Also, I get that you and Ashley weren’t in a serious relationship (or so it sounds in your story), but it sounds like you wanted to be involved in the child’s life, so why wouldn’t she consult you on names before settling on one?
Most likely because she wanted to name the baby Isabella and didn’t want to get challenged before she’d filed any paperwork.” jemoss9
Another User Comments:
“This is hinky. Sane, reasonable people don’t pull crap like this. I feel like Ashley has some kind of angle with this.
Idk if she’s intentionally trying to drive wedges, or test your boundaries and loyalties, or what, but it’s messed up. Get to court, get a custody agreement in place, and be cordial and polite, but I wouldn’t stay with this woman. I’m just a stranger on a screen, but I wouldn’t trust her around my other kids.
Something ain’t right here. NTJ, but you’ve got some stuff to figure out.” SpaceyScribe
22. AITJ For Banning My Neighbor's Nephew From Our Property?
“There is a tree canopy on our street starting at our house.
It is allowed so long as the trees are maintained. My neighbor has no trees but parks in front of our house under the trees. This doesn’t bother me.
We had a storm and a branch from our tree fell on their car. They asked for our car insurance, I tried to explain it was covered under the house insurance and gave them that info.
I also called my insurance and sent them pictures to start the process.
The next day, they came over and asked if I had heard anything from my insurance, and asked again about car insurance. I asked for their phone and email to give to the insurance agent and gave that info to the agent.
He called and left messages but he called me to verify the info because they never returned the calls.
The neighbors asked a couple more times about my insurance over the week. I just told them they have to call them. They seemed to be getting angrier but they never talked to the insurance agent and I don’t know what they wanted from me.
We scheduled tree removal and asked that they remove their car beforehand. During that conversation, the neighbor’s nephew, a man with Down syndrome, Alec, yelled from behind the door that it was his car. It was explained that Alec inherited it and he liked to take specific rides in it and that he is very upset it is damaged. I said I hoped that it would be sorted soon for him and got glares.
After the car was moved, Alec started staring at our windows and throwing items in our yard. Initially, I took the items to their porch but he threw the things right back over. Shoes, garden tools, etc.
I put curtains in the front so my dog would stop going crazy and kept the items in a tote until they came to get the items. He started throwing things at the house and tried to break the gate and climb the fence.
Most of this is on camera.
When they picked up the items, they asked that we just unlock the gate for Alec and then he can get the things himself and will eventually lose interest in throwing things. ‘It is good for him to pick up after himself’.
I refused, I have a dog with a dog door, I don’t want Alec to try and crawl through, I don’t want my dog to get out and I don’t want her to possibly injure someone who comes on our property. I have been hospitalized a lot this year and she is being weird and protective.
I also sent an email and text that Alec is not allowed on our property and I will take action if he damages anything. They didn’t respond by email but have knocked and yelled and said we owe them.”
Another User Comments:
“Dear OP, You have already done everything you can in all senses of honesty and due diligence.
Everything is on them now. Good for you for documenting whatever you say in writing. STOP talking to them at all at this point. This has now progressed to the point WAY past a tree branch on a car. Under no circumstances allow any of your neighbors onto your property for any reason.
Get no trespassing signs up immediately. Because that is what they are doing. And then some.
I am so sorry you are now hesitant to go out of your own home, for goodness’ sake! And this person is looking in your windows? Heck no. No no no. You are now forced to take the stance of having to protect yourself, your dog, and your yard.
Enlist the help of the police if you need to because I sure would. You’re feeling threatened.” GracieNoodle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First of all, I don’t see how the car issue is your problem. I would have told them to go through their insurance.
Secondly, allowing their disabled adult nephew to wander the neighborhood and harass neighbors is not okay either. Frankly, it sounds like your neighbors have been the antagonists of every issue and I wouldn’t enable or entertain their nonsense any longer.” BlueSuitInvincible
21. AITJ For Not Going To My Ex And Cousin's Wedding?
“I (32F) was engaged to marry ‘Travis’ (33M). But a couple of weeks before the wedding was supposed to take place, he said that he didn’t want to get married. I asked him if he was having an affair and he said no. He told me that most of his friends were already marrying or starting families, so he thought it was time to settle down, but he had just realized that he didn’t want to do it.
Suffice it to say, the wedding was canceled and that was the end of our relationship.
It’s been about a year since that happened. Things haven’t been exactly great, but I’ve managed. Well, some days ago, I received an invitation to the wedding of my cousin ‘Taylor’ (26F).
Imagine my surprise when I read it and saw that my ex-fiance was the groom. I had only seen them barely interact during family meetings. I hadn’t noticed any clue that pointed to anything happening between the two of them all this time.
Some info about my cousin.
She’s what some people would call a ‘free spirit’. She doesn’t have a conventional job, she works as an artist. She dyes her hair in unusual colors (sometimes blue, sometimes green, for example) and dresses extravagantly (once she wore a white robe, another time she wore a black leather jacket and spiked boots).
She says that she doesn’t like following society’s rules and that she only follows her own code.
Immediately, I called my parents. I asked them if they had known something about Taylor’s relationship with Travis. To summarize, yes, they did, they hadn’t intended to tell me because they figured there would be no positive outcome to it, but they also made it clear that they expected me to come to the wedding anyway in order to show support to my family.
At this point, I lost it and shouted that they were delusional if they believed that I would go to the wedding of my unfaithful liar ex and his manic pixie dream girl. They said that I couldn’t keep holding on to my hatred and resentment forever and that I needed to let go, but I hung up.
My extended family has been blowing up my phone since then, saying that I’m a bad person if I don’t attend. Right now I feel so confused, betrayed, and disappointed. I’m no longer sure if I’m being irrational or not. So I think it might be best to ask for an outside point of view.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your family is being ridiculous. They should have told you that your ex-fiance was involved with your cousin, especially when they got engaged, and they’re out of line expecting you to show up and smile because ‘family’. Family goes both ways – you’re family too, and they should have told you what was happening.
I would make it clear that you are not holding onto ‘anger and resentment’, you have moved on, and wouldn’t have wanted to be married to a guy who would do that anyway (whether you feel that way or not, or are still angry or not, don’t let them paint you that way).
But you won’t be attending the wedding, and it’s inappropriate for anyone to ask you to do so.” Jerseygirl2468
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t understand why your family would expect you to be fine with this – they’ve all had however many months to get used to the idea, but you find out this way and are expected to suddenly accept it?
Obviously, this is going to sting; they should have been honest with you earlier so that you would be able to process the situation.
No one is entitled to your time, or your presence at their events. That said, I think you should have a conversation with your cousin to better understand the details of the situation, as you are getting your info second-hand.
Don’t blow up at her or blame her – set aside your assumptions, steel yourself, listen to her perspective, and then decide how your relationship with her will need to change based on a more complete understanding and not your own biases/assumptions about their relationship.
Also, don’t be surprised if she’s pregnant – the timeline of their relationship is short, and it’s entirely possible your family is trying to fast-track your acceptance because there’s a baby on the way.” Unique_Cauliflower62
20. AITJ For Not Asking My Sister To Be A Bridesmaid?
“My older sister Sarah has always been a mean girl and has mean friends and coworkers. She has constantly made jabs at my partner Missy.
First, it was over this spikey black purse that Missy had. She teased her about it being from Hot Topic. Missy never really spoke to my sister because I prewarned her about how two-faced Sarah was so she could gossip about people when they weren’t around.
Next Sarah snagged a photo of the purse and took it to work to show everyone how ugly it was. One of her fellow nurses said oh that purse is Valentino.
Then Sarah calls me calling my partner a gold digger, and me stupid for buying her a Valentino purse.
I had no clue about the purse and I didn’t even buy it. I told her maybe Missy or her parents got it for her. The purse incident became stupid family drama and it has lived in my sister’s head for 6 years it’s like her obsession with what Missy does, wears, and acts.
Fast forward to me announcing our engagement this weekend for our wedding. Missy’s parents are paying but we haven’t really decided on a venue yet or anything. I told my parents and Sarah chimed in over the speakerphone about her bridesmaid dress and her ideas for our upcoming wedding.
I told my sister ‘What makes you think you are invited let alone a bridesmaid?’
Sarah started screaming at me, and my mom was upset saying I had to include Sarah in something. I told her I wasn’t and I ended the conversation and told my parents who kept harassing me over text about Sarah if they continue this they aren’t going to be involved and invited to the wedding either.
Sarah can’t contact me herself because I blocked her a long time ago and I’m not planning on changing that.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sarah showed her butt to her coworkers by mocking a high-end purse she thought was from Hot Topic. She embarrassed herself.
Rather than reflect on her behavior and change like an adult, she blames Missy. Now she feels entitled to make demands for your wedding? No, it’s time for Sarah to grow up. She has no say in anything. Honestly, good for you to stick up for not only yourself but Missy.
Your parents created this monster, they can deal with her. You owe them nothing.” RogueInsanity90
Another User Comments:
“What is wrong with your parents?! Sarah has been harassing Missy for 6 years. Missy should not have to deal with her any more than absolutely necessary. Seat her in a corner somewhere, out of your line of vision (if she makes it to the reception).
Tell your parents that Sarah will have to be on her very best behavior if she expects an invitation to the wedding. Remind them that even then, the invitation can be revoked at any time and she can always be removed from the wedding should she not be able to control herself.
If she makes it, be sure to have someone ‘assigned’ to her. Truthfully, I don’t think I would trust her not to make a scene. Make sure that your parents understand that the subject is closed. Sarah has no place in your wedding party. Reiterate that they, too, can be left off the guest list should they not respect your decision.
Above all else, shield Missy from Sarah’s nastiness. NTJ!” uTop-Artichoke5020
19. AITJ For Asking My Siblings To Move Out Because My Partner Is Moving In?
“I bought my house in January 2020, I was 23 at the time and I paid the down payment 50% from personal savings and 50% from gifts from my family.
I live in a city about two hours away from my parents, obviously, the global crisis happened, and in July 2020 my older brother, James, started working as a doctor in the hospital near me.
I was living alone and he had just gone through a breakup and I thought it would be nice for us to live together.
Subsequently in September 2022 my younger sister started a new course in the city, originally she was commuting from my parents and staying a few nights a week with me, after a while this got too much and she moved in.
I love my siblings, I like living with them but it’s all a bit much. I might as well live with my parents at this point and it’s all getting a bit much as the family seems involved in everything.
The final straw is that both my siblings now have partners, as do I.
So regularly there are 6 of us – and like everyone has JOBS and money and we don’t need to all be in one house.
My partner is moving in, my house is in a better location and is nicer than his apartment. I have asked my siblings if they could move out by the end of the summer (September).
At first, they were both fine with this, however now James has said he doesn’t understand why I don’t just move in with my partner rather than kicking out my brother and sister.
My sister has subsequently now said it’s ‘not fair’ because my parents helped pay for the house.
So my query is AITJ for asking them to move out?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Go the formal route since they are now complaining. Give them a written eviction notice and make sure you follow up any in-person discussions via text or email. If they refuse to move out have them evicted and show that you have them more than the standard 30-day (if you are in the US) grace period.
Even if your family helped by gifting funds, it was a gift that didn’t sound like there were strings attached. And if you were giving them discounted rent then they should in theory have savings to put towards their own place. And the crack about you moving in with your partner was hilarious.
I’m a petty and sarcastic person so I would have told them I would do that but I’d have to up their rent and make it 4 times as high so that it’s fair that if you can’t live in your house you get compensated by everyone who was.” Terra88draco
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and on top of that your siblings have a wild sense of entitlement to a home YOU purchased and own. Tell James if you were renting you would move in with your partner but since YOU OWN THE HOUSE, the guy will be moving in with you.
Tell sis that what’s FAIR is for the owner to be able to enjoy the house and a bit of privacy. Let them know that you love them and you’ve enjoyed living with them but with everyone partnered up, it’s time for all of you to move on.” Swimming-Fix-2637
18. AITJ For Causing My Sister-In-Law And Her Husband To Lose Custody Of Their Foster Child?
“My SIL (husband’s older sister) and her husband (my husband’s BIL) are foster parents. From November of last year to February of this year, they had a foster daughter ‘Mae’. Mae was in foster care because her mother was addicted to illegal substances and was deemed unfit and unsafe for Mae to continue living with her.
Mae is 13. She was removed from her mom at the age of 10 and does still have visits with her mom. Mae loves her mom. This was clear from day one of her moving into SIL’s house. SIL and her husband did not understand that Mae loved her mom.
They would actively discourage her from wanting more access to her mom. Mae was writing letters to her mom and they read those and asked her why she would give up any stable home to go back to a dangerous life. It was so difficult for Mae and she reported SIL and her husband to the case worker but the case worker didn’t trust what Mae was saying.
SIL and her husband would say these things around my husband, myself, and their extended family. I am also a former foster child and a child of an addict and I 10000% understand Mae. So I attempted to explain to SIL and her husband that they were not helping Mae by disparaging her mom and that many foster kids love and miss and want their parents and being an addict doesn’t change that.
SIL told me it was none of my business and they did not want me to interfere again. Mae heard me speak to them and she opened up about how unhappy she was with my SIL and her husband and how frequently their disparaging comments about her mom or discouragement of her loving her mom happened. She was feeling so desperate and said they didn’t get it.
My husband told SIL she should be more open to hearing my experiences as a foster child but she told him I was not Mae and she did not want her kids loving awful parents.
My husband and I spoke about what happened and he encouraged me to reach out to the case worker and explain what was happening.
This led to Mae being removed from SIL and her husband’s care. SIL knew it had been me/us immediately. My husband attempted to take all the blame but SIL said she knew it was me. She told me I had taken away Mae’s stability again and how dare I interfere when I was told to stay out of it.
The rest of my husband’s family said we should have kept out of it and it really wasn’t any of our business. My husband told them it was wrong what his sister and her husband were doing to Mae. But they all believe I was too close to the background to understand it was not my place.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all! You did the right thing and stepped up for Mae, and then the system quickly pulled her out of their care, and I must say, kudos to the system for that! There are way too many foster families that think that they’re there to save the children, rather than to give them a temporary home until the bio parent gets their life together.
I’m also curious as to how many children your in-laws foster because there’s a LOT of money given by the state for foster children. Maybe it was more of a cash grab than actual concern for Mae’s wellbeing. I should also add that if they do still have foster children in their care, I really hope the state interviews each child to see if they’re playing this mind game with them as well.” Rezolution20
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You had a concern which was confirmed by the child directly after you voiced the concern to your SIL. Instead of doing something rash you contacted the correct instance and told them of your worry which you should. They are trained in handling these situations, you are not.
They handled the situation and deemed it necessary to remove Mae from your SIL’s care. Not your fault, not your problem, not your responsibility.
See it from the flipside; had something happened, for example: had Mae run from home to see her mother due to not handling her foster parents’ disparaging comments anymore, and got hurt.
What then? You would have beat yourself up for not having flagged this to the responsible case handler earlier. You did the right thing, based on the right assumptions. The case handler took it from there.” Makri93
17. AITJ For Being Upset About Not Being Able To Enjoy Our Family Day?
“Around last week, my (16f) parents asked me if I wanted to go on a ‘family trip’ to the mall with them and my sister (10f).
For context, it was spring break and they had asked me what I wanted to do – to which I had said a trip to the cafe in the mall would be nice, and they agreed.
I assumed that was why we were going. I agreed and went with them.
I was most definitely wrong about what we were doing and spent most of my day just following my sister around as she went to get new clothes, etc. She stopped for food at some point (our parents paid for it, if that’s relevant) and I asked if I could get some food too.
They said no, and I suggested I could pay for it myself – they said no again, and moved on to the next thing once she got her food.
They basically wouldn’t let me get anything to drink either, even if I paid for it myself, so it was a very long 4 and a half hours of my day.
When we got home, they asked me if I had fun and I replied ‘I wouldn’t have come if I knew I was just going to be following my sister around all day’, to which they got mad at me, saying that it was an effort to spend more time with my family.
I’m not really sure if I should’ve said that, as my sister heard and got upset about it, so I’d really appreciate people’s opinion on whether or not I’m in the wrong for saying what I did.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m HORRIFIED. You were banned from eating or drinking then they had the audacity to ask if you had fun.
Your parents are NOT parents. I would secretly start saving to leave and go no contact as soon as possible. This is literal mistreatment. You should be VERY upset. And your horrid little sister can clearly see what happened but has the audacity (like HER parents) to be upset.
Praying this is rage bait as I wouldn’t want a living person to be treated like this.” Full-Butterscotch345
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I would’ve asked what time they were planning on leaving & when they gave you an answer, would then say great see you at the car/bus, etc at that time, then just walked off on my own to do what I wanted to, but obviously that may not be possible for you, that is just what my personal reaction would’ve been.
Ask exactly what about the day you were meant to enjoy, the part where they were buying clothes for your sister & not you, the part where they got food for your sister & wouldn’t even let you buy food with your own money, so had to watch your sister enjoy her food while you went hungry or the part where you wanted to get a drink & weren’t allowed, so went thirsty.
Your parents sound awful.” Megan1937
16. AITJ For Refusing To Cancel My Trip For A Concert To Go To My Best Friend's Wedding?
“My (26f) best friend Jessy (26f) is getting married on July 13th in Albania. We both live in Albania.
The issue is that on July 13th my fiancé and I booked tickets for the Taylor Swift Eras tour in Milan almost 1 year in advance or else they’d sell out.
We also had to book hotels, flights, etc because we’d stay there for 4 days.
Jessy knew that I’d booked tickets on that date. She hadn’t booked her wedding yet. She got engaged in November and booked her wedding date last month. She had told everyone she’d get married during summer but she never said the exact date up to this point when many people kept asking her so they could know their plans.
I booked the tickets this past summer when the tour dates were announced.
When she told me the date I told her she couldn’t be serious. She was like why? I reminded her I had the concert and the trip on those dates. And she told me ok?
Then cancel it obviously? I told her sorry I can’t. I can’t cancel the hotel, plane tickets, and concert tickets. I’ll have to pay a high fee to cancel all that and I don’t think I can even cancel the concert tickets. I reminded her it was something I’d planned a year in advance and she knew.
And she straight up told me that yes she knew but she didn’t care because as a friend she’d expect me to do the right thing and drop everything for her wedding. I told her I was not canceling my plans for something she knew a year in advance I’d do.
She accused me of being a jerk basically for putting a trip and a concert over her wedding. She won’t speak to me now unless I send her proof that I’m canceling everything to attend her wedding.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The truth is rather ironic – by saying ‘she didn’t care because as a friend she’d expect me to do the right thing and drop everything for her wedding’ she’s saying she doesn’t care about what you want, your plans, or your finances, and not only wouldn’t drop plans for something important to you, she wouldn’t even consider them.
Basically, she doesn’t care about you.
Did she do it on purpose as a power move? Has she shown this sort of controlling or ‘prove your friendship to me’ behavior before? I’m so sorry – that’s extremely poor form on her part. Go to your concert and have a blast. There may well be other people she hasn’t considered, and you won’t be the only one she gets upset at if this is the type of attitude she has for her partner.
Even if you did go, you’d resent it, she’d sense that, and it could spoil the day anyway and/or be held over you.
It’s not just about you either – she’s trying to ruin this for your fiance. Remember he’s affected by this too, so you’re not having to handle this based solely on your own commitments and feelings.
Weddings aren’t a golden ticket for servitude and glorification from everyone around you. She’s the jerk.” Rebel_in_a_teacup
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Under normal circumstances, I’d say you should prioritize your best friend’s wedding over a concert. However, you made these plans over a year in advance and she knew about them.
Perhaps she wasn’t feeling the ‘best friend’ vibe because you are seeing Taylor Swift without her? Is she jealous of you? Could she not get tickets or not afford them? In any case, she is the jerk for not only scheduling her wedding at the same time but also trying to force you to cancel your trip.
The solution is simple. Send your regrets, go to the concert, and get on with your life. She’s not worth it.” 1962Michael
15. AITJ For Not Enjoying The Concert?
“A few months ago my dad mentioned to me that a famous musician was performing in our city.
This musician is Hispanic and sings in Spanish, we are Chinese, however, my dad knows Spanish due to growing up in Venezuela. I don’t know any Spanish, I mentioned this and told my parents I didn’t want to go as the concert is 2 hours long, but they just waved me off.
Fast forward to a few days ago, my dad sent the family group a text that the concert would be on Sunday at 7:00 pm. I replied by asking who I would be staying with while they were at the concert and my dad said that we were all going.
Later I mentioned this to my mom and reminded her that I told them months ago I didn’t want to go to this concert, she told me to ‘be open’ and that ‘this will be a good experience’.
The concert was in a huge building, like one that a baseball game could be held in if it was indoors.
To make matters worse, my Dad got what might have been the cheapest, furthest seats from the actual stage so I could barely see or hear what was actually going on. Naturally, his singing echoed all over the place and I could barely hear what he was saying, and again he was singing in Spanish, I know zero Spanish.
After the concert, my parents asked how I liked it and when I replied and said I didn’t they said how I was being ungrateful and ‘they spent a ton of money on it’. I honestly doubt that as we were in the furthest row and could barely even see the screens displaying what was happening on stage.”
Another User Comments:
“Your parents want to share something with you that is meaningful to them. They want to have a connection and shared experiences with you. There are plenty of parents that don’t care about their kids. I would not go so far as to say YTJ (though complaining that they didn’t get you good enough seats is bordering on it), I would say you’re just immature… Which is probably fitting if you’re a kid.
Some life advice: try to find joy in your loved ones finding joy. But I probably would’ve ignored that advice at your age too.” dexter-sinister
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First, it sounds like the tech crew for the show was bad because that absolutely shouldn’t be the case, even in the cheap seats.
Screens, well, you can only do so much with what you have, but sounds like the audio guy phoned it in. Maybe you would’ve enjoyed it more had you been able to hear properly. That said, if Dad expected you to keep an open mind about the show, Dad should’ve been open to YOU having your own opinion.
He should’ve shelled out for better seats, too, if he wanted you to have a better first-time experience. It’s just hard to get into it at all sometimes when you’re stuck in the cheap seats in the back.
Regardless, he asked, and you were honest instead of trying to be diplomatic (which would probably lead to ‘surprise!
I got tickets for x show next week!’ and getting dragged out to the cheap seats again). I don’t see the issue. Latin music, music in Spanish, covers such a vast group of genres, maybe he can find something else that’s closer to your taste and try again… with YouTube or Spotify first before he goes buying concert tickets!” Moravandra
14. AITJ For Refusing To Organize My Boss's Birthday Gifts?
“We work in hospitality. There are only 6 staff. It’s fallen onto my shoulders to organize things like birthday cards, retirements, etc. We usually do a collection from staff and our regular customers, buy a card, flowers, and a gift.
I don’t mind doing it, I like surprising people with a presentation of gifts, etc. We don’t do this for every birthday, just the big ones.
In the last couple of years, we’ve had a staff member turn 60, one turn 30, and two retirements.
We’ve always made a big fuss.
I turned 40 last year. I took a week off to go away for a few days with family and then returned to work. My boss casually strolled past me and said ‘Don’t expect any cards or anything.
We haven’t done anything for you’. I hadn’t been expecting the effort I normally go to but I did expect a card from them all.
I spoke to my co-workers about what my boss had said, mainly cause I thought it was really callous and cold.
We all get along really well and we’re good friends so it was a bit of a surprise.
The most senior of my co-workers (f 61) told me that she doesn’t know how to organize a card or a collection because that’s my department so she didn’t do anything.
I told her the least I expected was a card from everyone and she said ‘I’m no good at stuff like that’ and that I’m the one who usually does that stuff so it’s unfortunate. She blamed my boss and said he should have done it.
When I asked my boss why he hadn’t done anything for me he said it’s my co-workers’ responsibility to organize something. He said he did think it was weird that they forgot but said he’s not here to remind them.
Fast forward to this year.
He tells me he’s taking a month for his 50th later in the year and that when he comes back he expects to come back to a massive fuss. He’s expecting a huge collection because he’s the boss so our customers should chip in lots for him.
I told him I did not have anything to do with organizing anything for him. Nobody made an effort for me so I’m not making an effort for anyone else’s anymore. He said it’s about giving and not taking, that I’m being selfish, and that he’ll be furious if nothing happens.
I told him he’d be furious then.
He said I shouldn’t do things for other people because I expect things in return. I told him it was selfish of him to expect people to make an effort to celebrate him when he does nothing for other people.
I told him that it wasn’t about them not doing anything for me. I wouldn’t have brought it up if he hadn’t pulled me aside and told me that none of them had bothered. It’s not like they forgot, they just chose to do nothing.
He just keeps saying it’s about giving and not receiving. I told him it’s a bizarre thing to say to someone who never gives but always receives.
He reminds me on a weekly basis of the stuff he wants. I keep telling him to speak to someone else.
He thinks it’s my job to remind someone else to do it. He thinks I’m just pretending I’m not doing anything.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but literally everyone else is. It’s only 6 of y’all. Even at a bigger place, you literally just take the card around and have people sign it or even just leave it in the breakroom.
If customers are involved, they could’ve had a sign and your card at the front for everyone to sign, and a jar for any donations, if they wanted to bring gifts, they could have done that.
Your boss isn’t a clown, he’s the entire circus.
He couldn’t get 6 people, or I guess 5 because it was for you, to sign a card? If he has a family, I’m sure he’s the textbook definition of weaponized incompetence. I can’t wash dishes because I’m not a woman. I can’t warm my food in the microwave because I’m not a woman.
I can’t give the baby a bottle because I’m not a woman. Somehow you have this magical gift to get cards signed because you’re a woman.” fancyandfab
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but the people you work with sure are. They ‘aren’t good with stuff like that’?
Stuff like what, picking up a card at the store and having half a dozen people sign it? I’d never do anything for them again either. Your boss is way worse though. His expectations – and constant hounding you to do it – are childish and unprofessional. It’s not appropriate for subordinates to ‘gift up’.
Make it clear you aren’t doing anything one last time then refuse to discuss it anymore. You might even want to look elsewhere for work. I’m concerned he’s going to retaliate once he doesn’t get his precious party. ” KickLiving
13. AITJ For Not Planning On Helping My Mom And Siblings After I Turn 18?
“My mom is a single mom and we struggle.
I’m (17M) the oldest and I have four younger siblings (14F, 12F, 9M, and 8F). We have two different dads. I and my 14 and 12-year-old sisters share a dad and he walked out on us while mom was pregnant with my 12-year-old sister.
A year later she found another guy and he was bad news but my mom was so desperate for a guy and overlooked a lot of red flags.
She had two kids with him and then he stole from my mom and left without ever looking back and left us in a really tight position. After that, my mom would lean on me a lot and she asked me to step up and be there for my siblings and help more around the house and I did it because I wanted to help my mom.
I hoped it would mean she wouldn’t rush into another relationship with another dude who was bad news.
It was tough though. Like having to help with homework, feeding my siblings, and being responsible for most of the cleaning was a lot. My mom still did stuff it was just she had to work and couldn’t be there all the time.
But after a year or so of that she started to take her frustrations out on me verbally. She’d complain about calls from my school (I struggle in school even still). Or if I forgot to do something. She’d tell me I couldn’t let her down and that I needed to act more like an adult and do better.
When I was 14 she asked me if I could start making money and I did. I helped around the neighborhood for some extra money and I got a part-time job a year later and gave Mom the money from that. But it was like she’d take it all out on me more.
If I got home late from work or school she’d tell me to cut it out and I needed to be more responsible. If a bill wasn’t paid on time she’d tell me to be less useless or be more useful. If I couldn’t do something she’d ask me what good was I doing.
She’d tell me I wasn’t a kid anymore and needed to stop expecting the life of one out of nowhere sometimes.
Eventually, I got so tired of it and it became so constant that I started saving money so I could get away as soon as possible.
Mom doesn’t know about it and I still give her the rest of what I make, because it’s really the only way to save without her knowing.
My mom expects me to stay here and help for the next several years until my siblings are all older.
I’ll be out of the house as soon as I turn 18 and I won’t consider staying for anyone, not even my siblings. Mom has been extra nasty lately to me and she was saying I should start looking for a full-time job now so I can be a full second income.
I was like ‘bold of you to assume I’ll be getting a full-time job to help out more’ and mom was then even angrier and she told me I needed to get over myself and accept it. She told me I was such a jerk for implying I could abandon my siblings like that.
She was so loud my siblings heard and they were upset at me too.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother’s choices are not your problem. She continued to have children and shouldn’t be expecting you to raise them and help support them. They have fathers, that is what child support is.
The men who left her are the ones her anger needs to be projected to, not you. Gradually hold back more of your money. You’re right by giving some and saving some she won’t necessarily suspect you’re making your escape plan. Good luck! I am sorry you’re being put through this, it isn’t your fault and you are far from useless.” many_hobbies_gal
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. OP, if it hasn’t been suggested already, I would see if you can find your birth certificate and SS card and hide those away along with your savings. You may also want to do a credit check to be sure your mom hasn’t opened credit cards in your name.
You have been parentified by your mom, and that’s wrong. Move out as soon as you can. I’d suggest blocking your mom so she can’t harass you with calls, texts, etc. Don’t tell her where you move to. But do try to keep lines of communication open for your younger siblings because the burden will most certainly shift onto them.” Tranqup
12. WIBTJ If I Refuse To Take My Sister-In-Law's Engagement Pictures Anymore?
“So I (29F) am a photographer and my sister-in-law (21F) let’s call her Alissa, and her (24M) fiance, Brandon, had asked me to take their engagement photos. I initially agreed and was happy about it. I offered help with styling, scouted locations, and everything.
Let me add here that Brandon had always seemed to just be the shy and quiet kid who kept to himself ever since he was introduced to us two years ago.
I never had a clue he actually hates me and my husband… a lot.
This isn’t the first time I felt a little awkward tension between Brandon and me, but Alissa let me know that he did like me and I was overthinking it.
This was about a month ago now.
My brother-in-law (28M) Cole just called us to let me know about his weekend plans, asked to hang out, the average conversation… but then was like ‘Oh man, I gotta tell you that Brandon really let it be known that he can’t stand you guys at dinner with everyone and he really thinks you are the most annoying people in the family’.
Cole had also said that Brandon had mentioned that he was thankful that Cole and their dad were at least ‘normal’ unlike the rest of ‘us’ who annoy the living heck out of him. So basically the rest of us are trash.
I am highly offended by this.
This is the most blindsided I’ve ever been by someone who is actively seeking something for free from me. I am not just a freelance photographer, I am a luxury wedding photographer in a large city. This is my career and also someone who is going to be in my family.
Brandon also had said some not-nice things about my husband while on this rant about us, and I’m having a hard time not making a phone call directly to the source to confront this. I will always defend my own immediately but must say I’m conflicted about causing family conflicts right before two large weddings are about to happen.
Part of me feels extremely guilty and sad for Alissa because I do like her, we’ve never been extremely sisterly or close but she’s always been sweet and it really hurts that she was basically right there while Brandon sat letting everyone know that he has such a problem with us just days before this engagement session.
I really don’t think I could show up on Sunday and play pretend after hearing that I am SOOO annoying and the worst to be around.
Would I be the jerk for canceling this session while also letting her know that I would not have hurt feelings if they didn’t want me there at all as I am now uncomfortable being around them?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You and your husband should be on the same page and then call Alissa and tell her your decision. I’d frame it like ‘We heard at a family meal Brandon was saying X, Y, Z about us, and our feelings are very hurt.’ Then give her a chance to explain and even invite Brandon to the conversation.
I think you do this part before saying you won’t photograph them to see what they say. They may say it didn’t happen – make sure you feel either open to that reason or have confirmed with one other person they did say those things so you can call them out for lying, or they will say it did happen and they stand by what was said – then you decline to take photos, or they admit it but apologize.
Even with the last one, I’d decline to photograph them and just say ‘I appreciate you apologizing and we would certainly like to work towards having a better relationship, but for now, we have to step back a little and I won’t be photographing you.
I feel a little like you were only using me while saying these things about me, so as a first step of us trying to get back to being cordial, I have to decline to do that.'” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – if what he said about you is confirmed, you have every right to not do this gracious task for someone who is completely ungrateful.
I would like to point out that even though you believe your SiL is an innocent bride with an awful fiance, she obviously has known how he has felt and has not set a hard boundary that he has to either shut up about his dislike of you or get over it and move past it.
Clearly, if he feels comfortable mouthing off at a large dinner, she is not putting her foot down. Would you allow your husband to speak that way about her? I’m guessing not. So please love yourself and require her to have the same respect for you that you would have for her.
I’m petty so will add: Let them know you’re glad to send them YouTube videos on how to take their own wedding photos since clearly they’re so much better than you all are and can figure it out.” strangeloop414
11. AITJ For Telling My Half-Sister She's The Reason I Ran Away?
“I have a half-sister, Emily, who is a year younger than me.
My mom and dad split custody of me while my dad had sole custody of her. My dad was kind of inept as a parent and basically tried to outsource Emily’s emotional well-being to anyone he could. In between women, that was me, whenever I was at his house.
I hated Emily growing up. I hated being forced to play with her and take her everywhere, I hated my dad trying to get me to include her in everything.
For my last two years of school, I chose to live with my dad full-time as my mom moved away and I didn’t want to change schools.
I was meant to start boarding school for those two years, but last minute my dad said I couldn’t since it wasn’t fair to Emily (basically him, because he didn’t want to put up with her). This left me in the house full-time with Emily.
Playing babysitter to her became so unbearable that I eventually ‘ran away’ from home to live with my best friend. I lived with him until I finished school.
After I left I kind of cut Emily off. She has always resented me for this. She takes it out on me by constantly bad-mouthing me to relatives, and telling exaggerated lies about me (my lifestyle, my financial situation, my job).
I’m always having to correct people after the fact because of the weird stuff she says. I’ve never confronted her because I feel like this is her way of trying to get my attention and I don’t want to engage.
On Wednesday, we (me, my bff, Emily, her partner, and my dad and his partner) all had dinner.
It was the first time we’d met Emily’s partner and we were kind of catching him up on our lives. It came up that I’d left home as a teenager. Emily chimed in and said I’d left home so that I didn’t have any rules and basically alluded to me being a heavy partier, which isn’t true.
I said that that wasn’t true, I left because Emily suffocated me and my dad wouldn’t do anything about it. My dad and I had a short back and forth about it and then it was over, but Emily started crying and left the table.
She and her partner ended up leaving early.
Later that night, Emily sent me a message digging me out for saying that in front of her partner. I responded by digging her out for insinuating I had a substance issue. She said I could have refuted that without bringing up how much I hate her (also denies that that was what she was getting at).
I said she could have just avoided the whole conversation by not trying to lie about me with me sitting right there. The argument didn’t get anywhere so I just stopped replying.
My dad is now getting it in the neck from her that I’ve ruined her relationship and am a giant bully.
He thinks I probably shouldn’t have said what I did and that I should have just said we had our ‘differences’ and left it there. His partner, however, thinks I’m in the right.
Was it a jerk move to choose now to tell the truth?”
Another User Comments:
“It’s called Parentification, and it’s abuse. You were mistreated by your father trying to turn you into a parental figure for your sister so he didn’t have to step up. Your sister was neglected, which is also mistreatment, and the only real parental figure in her life, that was you, ran away from her.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t have, in fact, you did exactly the right thing for you and that’s good. She needs to stop lying about you, and you should never stop calling her out precisely when she does it, that is unacceptable behavior on her part.
You don’t need to forgive her for her trashy behavior towards you, but ultimately both of you, especially her, are upset with the wrong person. Your negligent father is the jerk here. He did this, to both of you. Sister needs to stop putting blame on you for running away from mistreatment and understand that you were JUST A CHILD as well, not her parent.
It was, and is not, your responsibility to care for her like one. She needs therapy. NTJ.” SpaceyScribe
Another User Comments:
“Your dad’s partner is in the ‘most neutral’ position anyone in that room could probably be in, and thinks you were pretty justified. Your attitude of moving past seems mostly good.
You don’t shun them for the reasons you left as you’re still involved in their lives. But lying about you isn’t okay and standing up for that is what you should do. Hopefully, that can get through her head because it seems like she is preventing the possibility of a good future relationship.
My brother and I didn’t get along that well until we were like 23, and now we’re very close. But we both had to check our egos about our childhood for a few years before any meaningful relationship could form.” 142muinotulp
10. AITJ For Not Letting My Wife Speak To The Neuro-oncologist?
“I (37M) and my wife (35F) have a 15-month-old son.
We have had to run some tests at the hospital to check for a condition, everything is being coordinated by the neuro-oncologist. She referred us to an orthopedist, who then asked for a blood test, in addition to other blood tests that were being done on him as requested by the neuro-oncologist.
When we mentioned to the neuro-oncologist the order for the blood test from the orthopedist, she took the original and said that, since they had to take my son’s vein in order to sedate him for an MRI, they could use that to already take the blood for the test that the orthopedist asked for.
Up to here, all is well, except for the fact that taking the vein for my son was particularly difficult, he was resisting and it was especially hard to handle for him (and for us as parents as well).
Fast forward about a week and I called the neuro-oncologist on the phone to see if the results from the test had come in, in order to make the appointment with the orthopedist already.
To this, she answered that now she remembers that she took the order, but lost it, so the test wasn’t made. Then she tried to tell me that I also didn’t remind her of the fact this test had to be done (to which I replied that it is not my job to keep track of the tests that are being done to him, assuming everything is coordinated by her and trusting she keeps everything on file).
My wife then overheard this conversation, which made her extremely angry, and keeps asking me to let her take the phone, so she could speak to the neuro-oncologist. I refused to let her take over the call because I was a) already taking care of it in the way I considered it should be handled and b) It seemed to me my wife wanted to go nuclear in telling the neuro-oncologist how big of a mess this was, how incompetent she is, etc, etc. I honestly believe that her talking to the neuro-oncologist would have done nothing to improve the situation, other than maybe bringing her some outlet to vent her anger.
It’s been about a week since this happened and we just had a fight about it, because we not only disagreed on how things were handled on our end, but my wife feels I betrayed her as a partner and co-parent.
So AITJ for not letting her talk to the neuro-oncologist?
If I am, and I am missing something, I will not hesitate to apologize. But I honestly can’t see that what I did was wrong.”
Another User Comments:
“As a healthcare professional: YTJ. This is a huge mistake on the part of the MD and they deserve whatever repercussions they get including your wife going nuclear.
And your wife deserved the right to express her justified anger. Your loyalty should be to your wife and kid. The MD cannot legally stop seeing your kid for treatment (I would hesitate to take them back if there is another option) and you shouldn’t get to unilaterally decide how to handle the situation.
You dismissed your wife, it’s understandable how her anger at the MD (which she didn’t get to express) is now directed to you.” bgreen134
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why didn’t your wife trust you enough to let you handle this call? If you had heard that doctor blame you when your wife was on the phone being calm, and you wanted to go nuclear on her everyone would have said it’s a good thing she didn’t give up the phone, it would have made it worse.
Same thing. You were handling the problem, and your wife has been stressed and basically was just ready to vent at anything. Giving her the phone wouldn’t have changed the fact that all of this happened, it would only alienate the doctor. I’m sorry all of this stress is happening, and I hope your son gets better soon.
Good luck!” Less_Ordinary_8516
Another User Comments:
“Doctors mess up all the time. It totally is up to you to make sure everything gets done for your kid and family. We learned this the hard way when my mom died. You care the most about your family getting the best care and the right things done.
As for the wife thing, your attitude about it sounds like YTJ. The way you’re expressing things makes it come off like she’s not able to handle things like you do. I’d never talk about my wife like that but that’s just me.
What if she didn’t feel like you were handling it correctly? Is she automatically invalid feeling that? Do you even care if she is or not?” whiskey_tang0_hotel
9. AITJ For Agreeing To Split The Bill?
“My (22f) best friend and roommate (22f) Amiee has been seeing a guy for two months.
She really likes him, it seems to be going super well.
Last night, she asked if I’d go with her on a blind double date (ie. her and the guy she’s seeing, me and one of his friends who is single, and looking).
I wasn’t keen at first but she insisted, so I agreed.
We got to the restaurant, just a nice place in our area, and things seemed to be going fine. The friend she was ‘setting me up with’ was cool, but I really am not looking right now and didn’t feel any kind of spark.
We get to the end of dinner and the bill comes. Aimee chimes in and says ‘Don’t worry, our men have got this’ to which I say back, ‘Ah, no I don’t mind’.
We’d had two cocktails each (all four of us) and it wasn’t a crazy expensive place but not cheap.
A bit of back and forth happened, Aimee kept insisting it is always the gentlemen who pay, so I said something like, ‘You do you, I’m happy to split’.
The guys were saying they would cover but both seemed uncomfortable. They paid, then we all left. Aimee and her significant other went back to his, I said good night to his friend and went home alone.
Later, Aimee texted saying her man is now contemplating the relationship because he doesn’t want someone who always insists the men pay. She told me I ruined it by offering to split and should’ve sided with her, and not made things worse. She’s now saying he needs time and might not want to continue the relationship with her.
AITJ for this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell your friend to look in the mirror. She created this problem herself. You didn’t cause her to have those opinions, and you certainly didn’t ask her to voice them. That she doubled down on it when you said you still wanted to pay your own way was her own fatal mistake.
She needs to own her actions. Vocalizing her outdated ideas created a situation 100% of her own making. Your friend is looking for someone to blame for her SO not liking her antiquated and frankly unfair views on how relationships should work. You just happen to be an easy target for her.
Don’t give it another thought. You have every right to pay your way.” kiwihoney
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and honestly not even that big of a deal. They’ve only been going out for a short time and if she is expecting to be treated, it’s not gonna work out for them long-term.
He’s allowed to want to be with someone who wants to be equal and share financial responsibilities. She’s allowed to look for a guy who wants to treat and cover her expenses. Neither one is flat-out wrong, they’re just incompatible. And she might need a reality check for her expectations, but that doesn’t mean anyone is a jerk.” MargotEsquandolas
8. AITJ For Not Waiting For My Wife At The Next Subway Station?
“So basically, my wife and I were in a rush to catch our subway train to go to brunch with my parents at our favorite restaurant. We were already 10 minutes late, and my parents are always super punctual and I didn’t want to keep them waiting any longer for us.
As we approach the escalator down to our subway platform, I can hear our train approaching. So, I told my wife that we needed to catch the train, and we both hurried down the escalator, me in front of her. When we got to the bottom, I heard the subway door chimes, indicating that the doors were about to close.
So, I rushed onto the train at the last moment, but my wife was left on the platform on the other side.
I thought, okay, well this sucks that I made the train but my wife didn’t. But it’s not really a big deal because we both know exactly where we are going, and it’s only 5 stops away.
I will just meet her at the restaurant. (I don’t get any cell service underground, so we couldn’t communicate with each other.)
So I arrive at the restaurant alone and greet my parents, who immediately question me about where my wife is. I told them what happened, and they didn’t really seem to think much of it.
But when she got there 20 minutes later, she was all angry at me for not getting off the train at the next stop and waiting for her there, then getting on that train and continuing together. It made for a bit of an uncomfortable brunch because we could all tell there was tension.
After the brunch on our way home, she explained why she was mad and then became all short with me and pretty much gave me silence the rest of the way home.
My position is that we both knew where we were going and she knew my parents are easily irritated when I arrive late, so why would I have gotten off the train to wait for her unnecessarily?
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. New Yorker here. First, cell phones work on the subway at stops, so you could have texted her at any of the stops along the way and come up with a plan together. You probably even had time to text her while pulling out of the station where you jumped on and she didn’t make it.
Second, you say your parents are easily irritated when YOU arrive late – so do you think just having your wife be late solves that problem? Is she so inconsequential to your parents that they don’t notice or care that she is late but care deeply that you are?
Third, if you worry so much about being late, don’t be late. Leave earlier and plan better. I’m currently getting ready for brunch in NYC, the subway ride should take 30 minutes, so I am adding 10 minutes to my travel time because I have a reservation, and if I just miss a train, I don’t want to stress.
Finally, you and your wife are a team. I’d argue any group of people traveling together is a team. You ask us why ‘would I have gotten off the train to wait for her unnecessarily?’ Well, because it was necessary. You were traveling to a destination with your wife, and the only reason you got on and she didn’t is because you were in front of her on the escalator, you failed to even try and communicate after this happened, and you also could have diffused the situation at brunch by like ordering her a drink and being really apologetic when she showed up.
Instead, you put YOUR punctuality to look good in front of your parents in front of your wife being your partner and teammate. Oh, and everyone knows you hold the door. You hear the ding, you jump on and turn sideways while looking back to make sure your other person gets on.
You didn’t even attempt to ensure your teammate made it through, and that makes you a giant jerk in NYC.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Of course, you made the train and she didn’t, you were already ahead and then raced to get there. I bet you would have run around her if she were on the escalator ahead of you.
You didn’t even try to grab her hand or pull her along. You could have just waited for the next train together and called/texted your parents that you would be late. Not to mention automatic subway doors won’t close if they’re obstructed, so you could have blocked the door for a few seconds to let her catch up.
But you didn’t. You ditched her and made HER look bad when you were BOTH running late.” PocketSpaghettios
7. WIBTJ If I Tell My Parents I Know I Was Adopted?
“Basically about 9 weeks ago my maternal cousin and I both completed an Ancestral/DNA test through one of the popular brands.
My parents are very against these DNA tests (I thought) because they don’t like the idea of giving your DNA to these companies and so have forbidden me from doing them in the past when I brought up the idea.
Though, I now know the real reason they were against me doing it.
My cousin (James) got his results first and matched with loads of people saying my mother’s maiden name, as well as other names known within my mother’s family line.
I got my results about a week later and not only did I not match with my cousin, but I didn’t match with any of my cousin’s matches nor did anyone share my mother’s maiden name.
My dad (and I) have an extremely common surname in my country – think ‘Smith’ – and I did match with a few people who shared that name but none were close matches, 3rd-4th cousins being the closest. So I’m just assuming it was because it’s a common surname.
James’ family knows he’s done the DNA test and he’s shared the results however I have asked him to keep what he knows about mine between us for a while.
I learned this about 2 weeks ago and have since come to the conclusion that I am adopted. At first, this made me feel really upset, and I thought maybe the DNA tests were faulty but after researching, I don’t think they are.
I think I am just adopted. I have two younger brothers who are 11 and 9 who aren’t adopted because I remember my mom being pregnant with them. So I can’t understand why I was adopted.
I want to tell my parents I knew about being adopted, I want to, in some ways, confront them and ask why they’ve lied to me for so long.
But I also want to say I still consider them my only family. James thinks it’s a really bad idea, he says I should just keep it to myself because if I tell my parents I know I’m adopted it could have negative consequences on my relationship with my parents and also could get him into trouble with his parents because he bought me the DNA test and he is very close to my parents.
I’ve said I’ll just tell them I bought the test myself but he says they’ll know because he got his test so recently.
WIBTJ if I ignored my cousin and confronted my parents about me being adopted anyway?”
Another User Comments:
“I can’t imagine what you must be going through, realizing that you may well be adopted, through a DNA test. How old are you OP?
I think YWNBTJ for asking your parents about this. I don’t support ‘confronting’ (but I’m an internet stranger, so…). It would not be wrong to ask questions of your parents. This is likely to come out of the blue for them, so consider that.
I’d encourage you to find a way to ask your parents, from a place of curiosity (which might be less threatening to them than confronting them).
Although I can’t imagine how it’s possible there’s a lot more to this story than you being adopted and never told. So, assuming you want to maintain a relationship with the only people you’ve known as parents all your life, start a conversation… You don’t need to involve your cousin in this, but his role, if it is discovered, will pale in relationship to the real issues if you’re adopted and only just found out this way.” tinyd71
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No, I don’t think you should keep it to yourself but I do think you need to be calm enough to approach this without being accusatory – even if they deserve it putting them on the defensive will just make them double down.
Show them the results and the fact you aren’t a DNA match for anyone in your family, then ask. If they insist the results aren’t right, etc… tell them you want to make an appointment with your doctor and you do intend to get to the bottom of this.
We have relatives in our family who adopted because they’d tried to have kids for years and then about 4 years later ended up having bio kids – VERY unexpectedly. There is an explanation to this but you need to make sure you’re open and willing to hear it.” Ok_Homework8692
As to what you should do now, how is your relationship with your parents generally? And if it isn't wonderful, is there another adult in the family who you can trust to discuss this with before you speak to your parents.
Just FYI, I was adopted as a baby, and my younger brother is not adopted. It was a little more common decades ago for a couple to have 'unexplained infertility' and for them later to concieve and birth a natural child: usually it's because, once they have adopted and feel less pressured to concieve, nature wakes up and goes ahead.
6. AITJ For Kicking My Best Friend Out Of My Engagement Party?
“My fiancé Mark (30m) planned a surprise proposal for me (28f) and invited all our family and friends. Among those friends is my best friend, Melissa (28f).
Three months ago, Melissa ended her relationship with her long-term partner and has been pretty down since. I bring this up because I think it is relevant as to why she acted the way she did.
Anyway, they were all there and Mark proposed to me and it was wonderful.
Of course, I said yes, and we popped open a few bottles to celebrate. Drinks were flowing, and everyone was happy for us and congratulating us.
While we were talking to Melissa, she made jokes like ‘If you hurt her, I’ll come for you.’ Just things like that.
Whatever, we were all tipsy and having fun so we didn’t think anything of it. Melissa then pulled us aside and hugged us and cried. She said that if she hadn’t broken up with her ex, she would have been in the same position as me.
She told us how much she loved us and then turned to me and said that when we get divorced, she would still be here for me. Mark said that that was a very inappropriate comment to make and Melissa doubled down and said that it wasn’t inappropriate or irrelevant because divorce happens all the time.
I could tell that this wasn’t a joke anymore and Mark and Melissa were serious.
At this point I got angry and I told her she needed to leave. She protested but I got her an Uber and made her go home.
The next day she wrote to me a long message about how I was a jerk for kicking her out like that.
She said that she was happy for me and was only making a joke, and also that she is going through a lot and me kicking her out only made her feel like she’s lost everyone. I felt bad because I knew that she would not have acted like that if she hadn’t just broken up with her ex.
Should I just have been patient and let her stay? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She was completely out of line and there’s no excuse for that behavior. She wouldn’t have done it in a different situation?! She DID do it in THIS situation and that’s what matters – not a hypothetical scenario.
She didn’t give you a genuine apology after you took care of her and got her home safe even after the way she acted. Her long note blaming you makes it even worse – you should take it as confirmation that you were right to remove her.
She needs to take some time for herself and work out her issues instead of mistreating her friends. ” DaladalaGALS
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Just tell Melissa that she hasn’t lost you, but the joke wasn’t a joke and nobody was laughing. Suggest that if she’s struggling too much to be able to be supportive, then maybe the friendship needs to be put on pause temporarily, but what you’d really like is for her to be happy for you and to show it.
No more talk about divorce or abuse or anything dark about marriage.” WantToBelieveInMagic
5. AITJ For Not Allowing Our Friend To Join Our Trip?
“Some of my friends and I have been planning a cross-country road trip this summer, mainly to celebrate me and another guy getting our degrees, but also just because it would be fun.
This week we finally went in and planned out a budget, breaking down costs and what each person needs to bring to the table in terms of cash for it all to work out.
This is where the issue comes in – one of the guys (M 25) that was supposed to go is essentially unemployed, he lives with his parents and does DoorDashing on the side sometimes.
Since we had been planning this for a while and he had been active in the planning we kind of assumed he’d be putting aside some cash for it. Turns out he hadn’t been, he was completely out of cash, and he hadn’t even been DoorDashing at all for the past couple of months.
We were trying to help him out by asking, okay, how much cash do you think you’ll be able to get by then, maybe we can all pitch in and float the difference. He said DoorDashing barely gets him any money, he wouldn’t be able to come up with anything substantial and it was ridiculous of us to expect him to get enough cash in such a short time (about two months).
Finally, he sent a message saying he was on the phone with his mom and she was willing to pitch in the cash for his part.
I got mad and I told him that we were not going to be taking any cash from his mom, that it was not fair to her and it was not fair to the rest of us who had actually put in the work to save up for a trip like this.
He said, okay, I guess I’m not going then, and now he won’t respond to any of us. Now I’m left feeling like a jerk for leaving him out of something we’ve all been planning together and that he’s been so excited about.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“It’s a tough situation, but I don’t think you’re the jerk here. You and your friends have been responsible and proactive in planning and saving up for the road trip, and it’s understandable that you would expect everyone else to do the same. It’s not fair to expect his mom to foot the bill for his portion of the trip, especially since she may not have agreed to it willingly.
You were honest with him about the situation, and it’s his decision not to come if he can’t contribute financially. It’s unfortunate that he won’t be able to join, but ultimately, it’s his responsibility to manage his finances and prioritize his spending. However, it might be worth reaching out to him again to discuss the situation calmly and see if there’s any compromise or solution that can be reached. Perhaps he can start working more hours or find another source of income to contribute to the trip.
Communication is key in resolving conflicts like these.” VY_Canis_Majorys
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. He’s the jerk because he obviously sounds lazy and unmotivated, and those aren’t healthy qualities or what people look for in a friend. YTJ because you obviously consider him a friend despite knowing that, but are now arbitrarily drawing lines about his parents paying for things.
He can live with his parents but his parents can’t loan or give him money for a trip? Why do you get to decide what’s fair but his mother can’t? If you feel this strongly about his situation, then ditch him as a friend, don’t kick him off a trip.” Triarii69
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s not up to you to decide where his money comes from. This is between him and his mother. He might as well get more money from his mother than depend on anyone else. And if not, he can TRY to leech off you, but you’re the ones who are in control of that.
You can make it very clear you’re not going to do that. And if push comes to shove, don’t. But for you to decide her can’t use the money he got from his mother makes you a controlling jerk.” ladyxochi
4. AITJ For Not Wanting To Stop Driving?
“I (26F) recently got into a small car accident (which was not my fault) which resulted in an argument with my partner who insisted I should stop driving and that I should take public transit.
Public transit is ok in our city but I still like having a car and the freedom it gives me. Unfortunately, in the 3 years we have been together I have had 3 car accidents that were my fault and a 4th that wasn’t, however, I’m actually decent and confident while driving outside of these incidents and I plan on being a lot more careful moving forward.
I just feel like I got a little unlucky, I have zero non-accident-related tickets while he does.
The first one was literally the day I purchased a used car on the first drive back home. The floormat the previous owner had installed was not great and woolly and it caught the heel of my shoe while I hit the gas.
I could not brake or release it in time and rear-ended someone. Obviously, I was not expecting the floormat to be so bad and I changed it now and have been fine since.
The second one was in a parking lot, where I was backing over a bit of snow and the car was stuck and accelerated a little too hard to free it and backed into another car causing no damage to either vehicle.
The third was when I was reverse parking into a spot and there was a speed bump right in front of the spot. As I moved forward while turning to adjust the angle my foot slipped off the brake as the car was going over the speed bump and then I accidentally hit the gas and drove into a parked car.
The last one was because a spare tire came off a vehicle in front of me and I stopped suddenly and the car behind me rear-ended.
I understand this is not the best but he also had one accident that was his fault and far more near misses than I have ever had while I was in the car with him.
Obviously, I am going to be more careful and the most recent one was not even my fault. I have never damaged his car and have always paid for any damages caused either myself or via insurance.”
Another User Comments:
“Your ridiculous excuses are unacceptable.
You learn to drive so that you can safely operate whatever vehicle you get into. You failed to do that 4 times in 3 years! Stop making excuses. You failed to operate a vehicle because you didn’t like the floor mat your vehicle had. The snow, and you not anticipating a road hazard?!
These are all things you learn to deal with before you start the engine. You need to stop, listen, and accept the fact that you are a weak driver and need to put some energy into correcting that, and less energy into making excuses. YTJ, from someone whose child was struck by a weak driver…” Naive-Atmosphere-178
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I was fully expecting this to be the typical ‘controlling partner’ thing but it isn’t. Your partner can see how bad your driving is and is worried the minor accidents you’ve had so far are a precursor to something far worse for either you or someone else.
If it’s someone else you’re not only going to have a lifetime of guilt, which will never go away over time, but you could find yourself in jail.
1. If you want to keep the car keep it. In the UK you can SORN a car which basically means you’re not driving it or keeping it on a public road so any taxes etc. associated with it are paused. Do whatever this is in your country and use public transport.
2. Stop wearing heels. The only people who drive using the pivot method are idiots; if it was such a great way of controlling a car then every rally, F1 and Nascar driver would walk to the grid in a pair of 6″ Louboutins. Buy yourself something like a basic pair of Converse and use those.
You can even keep them in the car and just change shoes, it will take you minutes.
3. Get some more lessons. Work with the instructor to focus on your weak areas and go from there.” MiddleAgeCool
3. AITJ For Giving My Daughter And Her Partner 30 Days To Move Out?
“My (M 50) daughter (F 21) and her partner (24) have been living in my house, rent, and utility-free, since 2021.
They literally have zero living expenses, they are completely off the grid. He also works for me, gets 40 hours a week, and I give him rides to and from work. He is a huge gamer, so all of his internet is paid for. He bought a car (that doesn’t run) as a project (which he took a loan out for $9K).
He has a $12K computer rig.
What set me off was he argues about everything. I have a work project that my team is responsible for. I asked for volunteers. The lead came up one short so he asked my daughter’s partner. He, of course, said no, he didn’t need the overtime.
I about lost it on the floor. I held it together, but at the end of the night, I just left him at work. I decided I was done. His favorite phrase is not my problem… so I childishly adopted that for anything to do with him.
When I got home I told my daughter he has 30 days to move out. She can go with him or stay, there is no ill will for her either way, and she will always be welcome in my home. But in 3 years of freeloading, I estimate they should have AT LEAST $30k saved up.
I know how much he makes and how much she makes.
I thought I was taking care of them, giving them some time to build up savings. I may be the jerk because I’m kicking him out with short notice, and he has no savings, but I’m going with ‘not my problem.'”
Another User Comments:
“You’re not a jerk for evicting him; it’s your home and you don’t want to live with him anymore. YTJ for WHY, though. He didn’t screw around at home, he didn’t get fired or quit and pile more bills on you, he didn’t perform poorly, he just didn’t jump to work OVER his full-time hours, and you yanked his housing to punish him for that, because you’re both his boss and his landlord, and you could.
There’s a reason company towns aren’t prevalent anymore, and this is pretty much it. Using someone’s housing to extract more labor out of them than the job they agreed to take on is predatory.” Cairsten
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Don’t get me wrong, he does deserve to be kicked out, but it’s completely weird that not volunteering for overtime is the reason.
The way you explained it, you’ve been enabling the mooching, perhaps even encouraging it, and then suddenly shifted gears because something at work triggered your resentment. But what’s missing from your story is the boundaries and expectations you set up for your daughter and her partner when you decided to help them out.
You know how much they both make, how long did you tell them they could stay for? What savings target was set? Or did you just tell them both they have free housing and utilities indefinitely – just like you’re still telling your daughter now?
2. WIBTJ If I Tell My Partner What Her Parents Told Me?
“I’ve been with my partner, I’ll call her Sally, for around 6 months and things have been going great. She’s extremely sweet and gentle, absolutely adorable, and just the most thoughtful and caring person I have ever met.
When we first started getting to know each other, I found out that she was quite innocent, in the sense that she doesn’t understand most innuendos and has a hard time getting those kinds of jokes. She also doesn’t smoke, drink, or have tattoos.
She has never gone to a bar or a party and has never gotten in trouble in school or anywhere. At first, I thought nothing much of it but I did find it interesting that she liked me in the first place, considering that I drink, and have a few piercings and tattoos, just the opposite of her really.
Everything had been going great until I met her parents a few weeks ago, Sally asked me if I wanted to meet them and I agreed. I was excited to meet them because I figured that if my partner was such a sweet person then her parents must be like that too since they raised her after all.
Well, I was wrong because her parents are nothing like her, at least not when she isn’t looking.
When I first met them they were really nice to me and were asking me a few questions about myself, but they switched up immediately after dinner when they asked me if I could talk with them in private.
They weren’t so nice anymore and told me straight to my face that they didn’t like me and wanted me to leave their daughter alone. I was so confused and when I asked them, they said I wasn’t a good influence judging from my appearance, like I said before I have a few tattoos and piercings, but it’s only a few ear piercings on both ears, one tattoo around my neck, one on my right arm, and one on my shoulder but they couldn’t see that one.
I told them that I treat their daughter well and that what I did with my body was for myself and had nothing to do with my influence on their daughter, but they just interrogated me with a bunch of questions like a rice purity test and it was so overwhelming.
They spent a few minutes just berating me on my life choices and that they wanted me to stay away from my partner. I told them I wasn’t going to do that and asked if there was something I could at least do to prove to them that I had no ill intentions but they just kept berating me.
After a while, it got awkward and all three of us just got quiet. I kid you not, her parents went back inside to where my partner was waiting and started acting sweet again. I just stayed quiet throughout the rest of the night because it felt so awkward, Sally noticed and she asked me if I was alright and got really worried, but I just told her I was tired.
Now I can’t stop debating whether or not I should tell Sally about what her parents said to me, I feel terrible keeping this from her and a part of me wants to tell her, but another part of me thinks it’s best to stay quiet and keep the peace and just try to make her parents like me over time.”
Another User Comments:
“I do not think you would be the jerk if you sat your partner down and had a serious talk with her and told her these things. However, I think it’s absolutely crucial that you do not bash her parents, and that you do your best to be objective and fair in describing their objections (for instance, no paraphrasing, no inserting your own ideas of their ‘real’ motives).
You might think (and I also think) that the parents are out of line, but you have to trust her to come to that conclusion ON HER OWN. If you don’t, it WILL later be interpreted as pressure and/or aggression and will come back in some form to poison your relationship.
That said, YWNBTJ.” mifflewhat
Another User Comments:
“A giant neck tattoo is a big statement. You do know obviously that people will judge you on first impressions with a big neck tattoo and piercings—I would say a sweet girl’s parents would be the first ones to judge.
Is it fair? No. But does it happen, yes. Tattoos don’t make the best statement with straight-laced people usually. There is really not much you can do other than prove them wrong and stick it out if this is the wife you want.
I tell my husband everything so yes tell her because you’re in a relationship but at the end of the day just keep being your wonderful self and what they do with that behavior is up to them.
Maybe they will come around. They didn’t react the best. But give them time to get to know you. This is their beloved daughter and they just want the best for her. Show them that you are going to be a good husband.” AffectionateWay9955
1. AITJ For Trying To Give My Overweight Friend Advice?
“A few years back, 7 of my friends from high school and I decided that no matter where we lived or how busy we were, we were going to meet each other for brunch once a year for the rest of our lives. We don’t have an exact date, but we usually pick a week in June or July when it is warm and fly/drive to our hometown for bottomless brunch at our favorite spot.
Keep in mind that for some of us, this is the only time of the year that we see each other. I, in particular, live 2500 miles away, so I hardly see any of these girls. Regardless, it is always a good time, until recently when one of my friends ‘Rue’ would not stop commenting on my food intake.
For some background, I am and always have been a very active person. I ran track and cross country for our college and now compete in ultramarathons. For this reason, I eat a lot of calories, and I stay pretty thin. I also eat reasonably healthy, balanced meals most of the time.
However, for the one day a year at our favorite restaurant, NOTHING is off limits. I eat plate after heaping plate of cheesy eggs, pancakes, hash browns, sausage, and bacon–literally, I could eat the entire menu.
Rue has always been on the heavier side.
While I don’t really pay attention to someone’s weight changes or eating habits, Rue points it out, so I can’t help but notice. ‘Every year I eat nothing but oatmeal and I keep getting bigger and bigger, and (OP) is over there gorging herself and is stick thin!’ ‘It’s like every calorie (OP) eats shows up on MY body!’ Soon my friends started to chime in, saying that I was lucky I had such good genetics and could eat whatever I wanted. This really bothered me in part because it completely invalidated the work I do to maintain my healthy body, but also because I could tell Rue was frustrated with her weight, and I felt my friends were doing more harm than good.
I explained that I do not normally eat like this, and I also exercise very frequently, and that people shouldn’t look at a snapshot of someone’s life and think that’s how they live on a daily. I also said eating salads for every meal and never enjoying a meal out with friends is just going to make her more frustrated, which will slow her progress.
I thought this was going to be helpful advice, but my friends all looked at me livid. One of them called me incredibly privileged and said I wasn’t aware of my privilege and accused me of shaming Rue. The rest of them followed suit and told me to get off my high horse.
Eventually, I’d had enough. I said I was just trying to help and that they were only going to hurt Rue. Rue was silent the whole time. I packed up my things, paid my bill, and left.
Now I’m feeling torn because it’s been a few days and none of these people will talk to me.
I reached out to the person in the group I was closest with and she said I really overstepped and should apologize to the group and at least to Rue. I had good intentions, but if these people won’t talk to me, maybe I screwed up.
Did I?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You: the first thing you said was fine because it was about you, how you don’t eat that way every day. The second thing you said was not; it was an assumption about what Rue eats every day, and saying something would ‘slow her progress’ is judgmental.
Rue’s a jerk for making comments about your food and your body.
Friends are jerks joining in the talk about your food habits and body shape and calling you privileged about it. Maybe now is the time in the group text to come to an agreement to not talk about other people’s food, eating, body shape, etc, and just enjoy the company instead.
This really seems doable for one meal a year.” stringtownie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you absolutely did not screw up and didn’t say anything wrong. They brought up the weight and calorie intake. They incorrectly assumed genetics and not all the effort you put into your daily activity to train like you do.
Could genetics help? Sure. But you wouldn’t be where you are on genetics alone. It takes a lot of work, especially for marathons.
My old boss did Iron Man all the time and it was insane what he had to do to keep it up.
If your friends don’t want to talk about weight don’t bring it up and make assumptions. Giving tips to avoid failure is not a privilege.
Also, the double standard being held against you isn’t right. Rue gets to say anything she wants because she’s overweight but because you are fit you have to endure what she says without saying anything back?
That’s not fair and shouldn’t be tolerated. Good luck with your next event!” DeepFudge9235
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your friends shouldn’t comment on what you’re eating, period. You didn’t bring it up, they’ve got no right to comment. They should keep their insecurities to themselves.
However, it sounds like ALL of your friends were commenting, even if Rue was the one who started talking first. So it probably would have been better to just shut them all down, not make the interaction about giving advice to/’fixing’ Rue’s habits. Although she was rude at first, it didn’t improve anything that you also commented about her body and habits uninvited. You also put focus on Rue when ALL of your friends were behaving inappropriately, so you weren’t really getting to the heart of/resolving the issue, you were just piling onto it.
In general, y’all should just stop commenting on each other’s bodies or healthy habits unless one of you ASKS for advice.” WandersongWright
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