People Solicit Validation For Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

There are awful people around us who are ready to judge once we make even the simplest mistake. If you're the one being judged, you may think it's unfair that you're being called a jerk based only on your previous actions. It can be even more annoying when those people don't give you an opportunity to explain yourself. Here are a few stories from people who attempt to defend their actions. Tell us who you think is the real jerk as you read on. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

18. AITJ For Not Giving My Phone To My Boss?


“My (f26) 3-year-old son got sick and I had to take him to the hospital in the morning. I took an hour off work and texted my boss letting him know why.

I arrived to work later and my boss requested to see me in his office.

He started questioning me about being late but I told him I already sent him a text telling him why. He said he didn’t receive anything but I assured him that I sent it. He told me to hand over my phone so he could check but I refused. I asked him to check his phone but he again denied receiving anything and said there was no point in checking his inbox.

He asked that I hand over my phone to see the text I sent but I still refused and suggested that I open the text and show it to him because I have private messages with my significant other that I didn’t want anybody to see, let alone my boss.

He refused to let me show him saying I might be faking it but I already have the time and date of the text(?). He got mad and insisted that I hand it over. I declined and said no, this is my privacy and he does not get to violate it just because he has authority over me.

He got more upset and told me to step outside. After making me wait for 30+ minutes. He had his female assistant try to convince me to let him ‘have a quick look’ but I refused. The argument escalated and I was told to go home til this is figured out.

My boss is angry with me and his assistant is claiming that it was such a weird hill to die on and that if I truly did send him a message then I should just let him have a look.

AITJ? I mean I offered him an alternative way to see the text but he insisted on checking it himself.

I’m an extremely private person and the thought of him peeking at private, vulnerable conversations with my partner makes me uncomfortable. My SO thinks I should’ve just given it to him without making a scene.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your employer has no right to demand to handle your private property whatsoever, let alone something as sensitive as your phone.

If he wasn’t willing to look at your phone while you were holding it up for him to see the messages, then that is him expressing that what he was requesting to view wasn’t actually of any real importance to him and that he very likely had ulterior motives.

You were right to refuse and you probably could’ve ended that conversation pretty quickly by simply threatening to report him to HR or corporate for demanding direct access to your phone.” ShadowCoon

Another User Comments:

“It’s not about the phone. It’s about the perceived disrespect.

It’s about his power over you. NTJ.

If he was confident he didn’t get the text, he’d show you his phone. By all means, he should be willing to hand you his if you’re expected to do the same. Why is his privacy more valuable than yours?

This is about his ego and his perception of power and control in your relationship. I hope you realize that someone who feels this slighted over such a small gesture isn’t going to consider this over. He’s going to retaliate.

If it’s legal in your jurisdiction, record interactions with him.

Record calls too in the event that he wants to act without creating a paper trail. You offered a very reasonable compromise, and his efforts to access electronics not allocated by your place of work is inappropriate. In the meantime, further discussion needs to be in writing.

I advise you to begin searching for another job. This fellow isn’t going to make working for him easy.” polichomp

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. This makes it sound like your boss wanted your phone so he could delete the message on your phone and he could write you up for a no-call no-show without having to worry about you having evidence to prove him wrong.

Your boss sounds super toxic. If there’s an HR, send them an email (don’t go in person, email gives you a written record) summarizing the encounter with a screenshot of the text you sent your boss.

If you have no HR, consider preemptively seeing an employment lawyer & looking for another job.

It sounds like your boss is discriminating against you for having kids and treating them as a priority over work.” cleanthemirrordammit

10 points - Liked by lebe, Stagewhisperer, Spaldingmonn and 8 more

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rbleah 1 year ago (Edited)
GO TO HR NOW. What he is demanding is ILLEGAL. He has NO RIGHT in this regard. Let HR handle him. If nothing else go the law suit threat route. If they continue, sue them.
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17. AITJ For Not Wanting To Share My Food With My Partner?


“So yesterday my partner and I went to a cafe. He ordered a latte and I ordered a slice of cake. When the items come out I give my partner the first bite of my cake – he loves it and says he wants more.

I give him a few forkfuls but I am also trying to eat some myself. He then gets another fork and eats even more since I’m not feeding him fast enough. He says he wants to get another so I order a cupcake. When the cupcake comes out he grabs it immediately and starts to shove it in his mouth.

I get annoyed and tell him to please put the cupcake down so I can actually eat some of the food I ordered because his bites are twice the size of mine and he’s going to eat half of it before I can get even one bite.

He says that this is another example of me being selfish. He refuses to eat any of the cupcakes or to talk to me for the rest of the walk home and when we get back to my place he grabs his stuff and leaves.

I try to talk with him but he says he is too upset and has only since messaged me good night and good morning.

He has called me selfish twice before and only ever about food. The previous time he called me selfish was because I told him he should get this really good smoothie at a cafe but he said he didn’t want his own and only wanted to share mine and to please get a grande size.

I told him they didn’t have a grande size but he didn’t respond, so I only ordered a smoothie for myself and let him taste it and asked him if he would like his own now that he’s tried it and he got mad and said I was selfish for not ordering him one and he doesn’t want it anymore.

He says that I should share with him and that if I want more then we can always order another, but that’s exactly what I did. What am I not understanding? AITJ?”

Another User Comments:


Your partner seems to have a troubling attitude about sharing food.

Was his family food insecure when he was younger?

Regardless, he is being extremely childish. His attempts to control your boundaries by giving you the silent treatment and sulking are major red flags. Is he this controlling anywhere else in your relationship?

I think it’s time for a serious discussion on how this behavior makes you feel, and why he feels so insecure when you set a very simple boundary like him getting his own after he likes a taste of yours.” KittenSpangles

Another User Comments:

“Time to rethink this relationship. If he’s so upset by being denied food he didn’t pay for, then calls you selfish for wanting your own food, it’s pretty obvious that his love is not for you, it’s for what you can provide—food, intimacy, shelter, money, etc.

He is taking advantage of you, probably in more ways than one, and when he starts calling you selfish or controlling because you won’t do things his way, he’s actually the one trying to control you. You deserve much better than to be under this guy’s thumb.

Good luck! You can do MUCH better.

The only way you’d be the jerk is if you keep seeing him and letting him control you. Stop playing his games. NTJ.” RetiredBSN

Another User Comments:

“Your partner is selfish, greedy, and entitled. He expects you to pay to feed him.

He thinks your food is his and doesn’t care if you starve. Do yourself a favor and leave him behind. His tantrums and stonewalling over his food greed are unhinged. Eating together is a big part of a relationship and he makes it a miserable experience.

This is not how a healthy loving person behaves with a partner. NTJ” Neonpinx

9 points - Liked by lebe, Spaldingmonn, REHICKS72 and 6 more

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Squidmom 1 year ago
Eww I could understand if you were poor and could only afford to share but that doesn't seem to be the case. If he wants some, he needs to get his own. Be selfish. It's your food. He doesn't need to put his nasty germs on it.
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16. AITJ For Not Buying A Child-Friendly Car?


“I (28m) recently got into a car accident. I’m fine, I wasn’t at fault, but my car was a total loss. I’m happy about it though, normally I get a new car every year or so, but because of the loan I had to take on this one I kept it for longer and was genuinely bored with it.

My insurance paid me out for the wreck, and with savings and the insurance money, I dropped cash on a used Scion FR-S. For those unaware, it’s a little two-door, stick-shift ‘sports car.’

The problem starts with the girl I’m seeing, ‘Jen’ (24f), and her son ‘Zeke’ (3).

I was showing Jen the car, how much I liked it, and that it was a goal for a long time to buy a car of this caliber in cash. She got in, saw the back seat, and said ‘wow, you really can’t fit anyone back there, even a kid.’ I said ‘yea but it’s really just me driving it so I don’t need a big car, and I don’t have kids so I really didn’t need to be sensible.’ She immediately got out of the car and asked if Zeke meant anything to me.

I said Zeke was awesome, he’s a great kid but he’s not mine. She asked if I was even ready for the responsibility of a kid and I said Zeke is the only one I’ve spent this much time with, but I’ve only been with her 4 months and have known him 2, so I really hadn’t thought of him as more than her kid.

She said I was seriously immature, and acting like a teenager with my stupid car and to grow up.

I haven’t talked to her at all since the conversation, which was yesterday, but she’s texted me a few times letting me know how she feels.

Her brother also let me know I needed to ‘man up’ and start taking things seriously.

The most confusing part is she drives a Honda Pilot. A whole SUV. If I need to shuttle Zeke around I can use her car, I’m never alone with him anyway.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – but it’s a sign the two of you have different things in mind. She’s looking, in substantial part, for a replacement daddy for Zeke, and sees the fact that you bought a car that doesn’t have usable space for a third person as a disqualification on your part.

In her mind, allowance for a kid must come before all else.

You, on the other hand, are still looking to fulfill dreams that have nothing to do with kids.

Neither of these things is a bad thing, but the right outcome here is likely that you go your separate ways, whereas her reaction is to try to bend your path towards her, and even enlist others to help do the bending.

She and her brother think you need to get serious about being a family man – that, in their view, is the most important thing.

And there’s nothing wrong with her wanting such a person – someone, who wants to be a family man ‘right now’.

But, it is wrong for her to try to make you that person if you’re not ready and/or willing.

And if you are not, then you’re wasting your time and hers.” Boeing367-80

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You guys have only been together for 4 months and she already wants you nailed down with a minivan?

Her kid is HER kid. She’s expecting you to play dad to him? She expected you to buy a vehicle with HER kid in mind?

Her brother shouldn’t have gotten involved. The kind of car you have is no one’s business. If you had kids of your own, figuring out their logistics would be one thing, but to have a partner and her brother give you a rash of crap for not considering HER kid is just stupid.

I’d rethink your relationship with her, to be honest. She’s clearly looking for a dad for her kid, and she’s putting those expectations on you rather quickly, way too early on in your relationship.” SilentCounter6750

Another User Comments:


You’ve only been together for 4 months and your partner is expecting you to purchase a car that’s suitable for hauling around kids.

No, you don’t need to ‘man up’. You’ve only been together for 4 months and this isn’t your kid. So, no, you don’t owe it to your partner for such a short duration to buy a minivan so you can do daycare pick up and drop off for her.

This woman is signaling that she’s looking for a daddy for her kid, and she’ll demand/expect you to make significant sacrifices to fulfill her expectations in that regard. If you’re not okay with that, cut your losses now.” teresajs

8 points - Liked by lebe, Botz, loda2 and 5 more

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trje 1 year ago
At 4 months in it's ridiculous to expect you to have her child as a factor in choosing a car, if you do family outing you can use her car. And as you said you trade in and get new cars with some frequency so if things are going well a year or 2 down the line and you want to think family you can get one more family friendly
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15. AITJ For Leaving My Own Birthday Party?


“I (f24) turned 24 a couple of months ago.

I had a small, potluck party with six of my friends at the local park, along with cake and music.

I’m really shy and not fond of big parties.

Everything was going really well until two of my friends we’ll call ‘Steve’ and ‘Fred’ (m27 and m26) started playing around and jumping up and down on one of the park picnic benches (not the one we were sat at).

The park and its stuff are really rundown, and they eventually broke the bench that they were jumping on, they snapped the wood planks in half. Luckily neither of them hurt themselves.

All the other people at the park were staring at us and giving us death glares.

An older man even approached us and called Steve and Fred ‘a pair of clowns’.

I was so embarrassed and ended up leaving my own party and going home. I couldn’t stand the people staring at us.

Steve, Fred, and my other friends who were at the party are accusing me of overreacting and saying I was being self-centered for leaving my own party.

They all told me to lighten up, and that they didn’t mean to break the bench.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, your friends are clowns and I suggest you tell them to mature, replace the bench, and knock it off because they aren’t 14. They are seriously acting like children.

THIS is the behavior I’ve broken up with guys for in my early 20s. It’s selfish and disgusting. They should be embarrassed for breaking community property, run down or not. Find better friends, these ones are clowns.

Heads up, I judge guys on their friend’s behaviors that they tolerate and I know a lot of my friends do too.

‘His friends are acting like jerks… he’s not saying anything?! Clearly, he tolerates this crap and has no spine to tell them to stop making him look bad by association.’ Friends’ bad reputations hurt yours too.” SweetNatalieMayson

Another User Comments:

“YWBTJ if you didn’t tell your (former) friends to pay for a new park bench.

Families rely on parks as a fun place to spend time with their children. People of all backgrounds rely on parks to unwind and have fun in nature. Thanks to your friends’ stupidity and immaturity, a key component of the park and its public accessibility have been broken.

This may lead to others defacing or breaking other pieces of public property in the park. A damaged park bench is also a liability to children etc. Please step up and tell them to act right.” edwardianemerald

Another User Comments:


They are way too old to be acting childish.

Plus, it’s YOUR birthday party. You can leave whenever you want. You left for a good reason and don’t want to ruin your birthday by feeling overwhelmed and embarrassed.

Honestly, that old man was right. they are a bunch of clowns. I’m sorry it turned out that way and I hope things got better.” yourspoopy

7 points - Liked by lebe, Botz, Stagewhisperer and 4 more

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LizzieTX 1 year ago
NTJ, and the old man who called them clowns is absolutely right.
And since it was the two clowns' behaviour that caused you to leave, it's their fault for being so childish and destructive.
Also, I would tell the clowns that they're responsible for paying for a new park bench. And if it isn't replaced within two weeks, that you will contact the parks department and give out the clowns' contact info and advise them that they did the damage and to send them a bill. Of all the idiotic crap to pull at someone's birthday party. SMH
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14. AITJ For Complaining About The Noisy Neighbor's Kid?


“I (f24) live in a two-bedroom apartment with my husband (m25).

We have a son (m2).

2 months ago, we had new next-door neighbors move in. They’re a couple with a 3-year-old son.

Their son’s bedroom is next to our son’s bedroom, and we’ve had a noise problem. At random hours of the night, there’s a loud noise in the neighbor’s kid’s room and we can hear him screaming. This goes on often from an hour to two hours at a time and this wakes up and distresses our son.

I asked the neighbors about it and they explained that their son doesn’t like going to bed and still sleeps in a crib. They said he often kicks the walls and screams before falling asleep.

I asked them if they could please move his crib to the other side of the room because he and my son share a wall, and his kicking the wall wakes up my son and makes the wall vibrate.

They said they can’t move the crib because it’s fixed to the wall but they’d ‘sort it out’. No change.

I talked to them about it again and said that this isn’t acceptable and my son’s sleep is being disturbed on a regular basis. They got really offended and said something along the lines of ‘sorry our son’s behavioral problems are affecting you’ in a sarcastic way.

I was really frustrated and contacted the landlord and asked about soundproofing or us moving to another apartment within the building. He said he’d see what he can do.

The next day our neighbors were knocking on our door and started yelling at me and accusing me of trying to get them evicted. I said that’s absolutely not our intention and that we just don’t want to be disturbed every night.

They said we’d understand when our son is older, and that they are doing the best they can. The mom started crying and then they left.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ: OP stated they don’t even have their son up against that specific wall and he can still hear the neighbor’s son kicking the wall and screaming.

That pretty much summed it up for me. I’m sure it sucks to deal with putting a child to bed who really doesn’t want to go, but there is no reason they can’t take the time to move the crib. They just don’t want to.

I am curious if the other wall is connected to their bedroom and if it is I wonder how close their bed is to the opposite wall. OP talked to them on multiple occasions before escalating it to the landlord. That doesn’t seem like a case of trying to get them evicted to me.” User

Another User Comments:


They could have padded the wall, moved the crib from the wall so it wasn’t touching, and moved it to another wall. They just don’t want to.

It’s like saying cause they are suffering you have to suffer too. Nope. You asked them nicely, told them it was disturbing your son’s sleep, and gave them an opportunity to fix the issue.

The next step was always going to be informing your landlord.

And yes, her son’s behavioral problems ARE affecting you, and that IS her problem to solve, not yours.” HunterDangerous1366

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You are entitled to quiet enjoyment of the space you rent.

This is a landlord’s obligation. If another tenant is causing a problem, they must remedy or the landlord has an obligation to remedy it.

It’s no different than if your neighbor was regularly setting off smoke alarms or flooding the bathroom. If they want to be an unchecked nuisance, there are consequences likely outlined in the lease.

This isn’t cold-hearted. They should know they have to figure out how to solve the problem, and that they can’t just ignore it and pass it off to others.” TheTapeDeck

7 points - Liked by lebe, Botz, Spaldingmonn and 4 more

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psycho_b 1 year ago
How do they keep a 3 year old in a crib anyway? My daughter used to climb out of hers when she was 18 months.
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13. AITJ For Excluding My Niece From My Wedding?


“I (24f) am getting married in about 7 months.

Last week I had my wedding dress appointment and brought only my mom, my MIL, and my maid of honor. My fiance (28m) has a 4-year-old niece. My fiance and I already established that we are not having kids at the wedding or the wedding party.

My SIL has been constantly berating us for not allowing our niece at the wedding or even being involved. The venue we chose is not child friendly (it has fountains and multiple ponds) and we didn’t want anything happening to kids since, at weddings, parents don’t always pay attention.

It also costs extra for kids to attend our wedding as the meals in general.

My SIL and I don’t really get along as I feel she is narcissistic. When I invited MIL to the dress appointment, SIL made the suggestion that my MIL bring my niece with her.

(I booked my appointment at a shop where it only had bridal gowns.) I was open to the idea until SIL said I should go to Davids Bridal instead so my niece can try on flower girl dresses. I said that it is not a good idea as I don’t want my niece to think she is going to be at the wedding.

I told her she is more than welcome to come with MIL but I am going to the boutique I want. SIL is now refusing to come to the wedding saying I am purposely excluding my niece and trying to get my partner’s family to not attend.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ, you have every right to have a child-free wedding. There is also a high risk at the venue so it’s dangerous for her. There is no need for her to try on flower girl dresses – her mother is being manipulative.

Also, it’s insane to invite a 4-year-old into an expensive bridal shop – with dresses worth thousands and where she will have a short attention span and want the day to be about her and to try dresses on and want attention on her. She’s a kid and to her, it will look like a princess shop.

It doesn’t matter whose child it is – you don’t take 4-year-olds into shops like that. If I was a shop worker I’d be panicking because she’d be touching dresses – and potentially getting marks or stains on them and just trying to touch everything or being upset when she got tired or bored. There is a risk of damage to the dresses.

Her mother can take her to any dress shop, any day of the week, and play princess with her. Her mother can even take her into a bridal store with flower girl dresses and pretend she’s looking for a flower girl dress or she can take her to a fancy dress costume store and buy her a Cinderella outfit etc. Why do you have to entertain her kid?

She’s not even coming to the wedding. Why would you contribute to lying, raising her hopes and excitement if she isn’t coming?

Also, flower girl dress shopping happens separately from bride dress shopping. Her kid is the center of her world, not yours or anyone else’s.

Her mother also doesn’t seem to have accepted that her daughter is not invited. She is trying to get in via the backdoor.

Tell her that you have a right to have a child-free wedding and it’s your duty not to have kids on-site at a venue that is not suitable for them.

And then tell her she has every right to not want to come to a child-free wedding and that you don’t hold her choice against her.

Don’t talk about cost – the family will always hold that against you even though it’s a real thing.

Also, stop communicating with her on this and get your future husband to speak to his family. It’s his sister. Also, it’s his niece, not yours, you are not even married and will be the uncle’s wife. If his sister wants her to go shopping then she can go with uncle as he tries on his suits..” User

Another User Comments:


It’s your wedding. You and your fiance make decisions for your wedding. No one else.

Why on earth would you include your niece in your bridal appointment? That’s… ridiculous.

Your SIL is way out of line. She had her wedding. She made whatever choices she made.

She doesn’t get to choose for you. You do.

She can threaten to stay home. She’s the jerk.

She can stay home on your wedding day. You are having a child-free wedding. She is behaving like a child.

Enjoy your special day. In the company of adults.

Exactly as you planned.” mrslII

Another User Comments:

“She’s not wrong. You are purposely excluding the niece (and all other children). But that is completely fine as it’s your wedding. So NTJ.

Just don’t say the thing about the cost of child meals to other people.

It makes you sound petty or hiding the real reason. Any parent would easily offer to pay for their kid to attend and would put you in the spot of having to give the real reason and tick them off for giving false hope of attending.” OssomMcOssom

6 points - Liked by lebe, Mewhoelse, Spaldingmonn and 3 more

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Tell your sister in law if she doesn't shut up and mind her business since it's NOT her wedding she will not be welcome to come. You made it clear you want a child free wedding. I don't blame you it's your right regardless. it's your day. Nobody likes it too bad they don't have to go period! NTJ
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12. AITJ For Not Wanting To Engage In Real Estate?


“My husband is a doctor and we are both interested in financial freedom.

He listens to doctor financial gurus like the white coat investor. Now he wants to learn how to purchase rental investment properties because he started following a married doctor couple (semi-retired MD) who teach this strategy to doctors. He is excited by the financial returns they and their friends have gotten.

Their course costs almost four thousand dollars so I decided to do my own research.

What I learned is that their course is about buying properties and then forcing tenants out so they can make cheap self-repairs and then raise the rents a lot so only richer people can afford them.

They were happy that the rise in interest rates means that fewer people will be able to afford their own homes so they can raise rents. I told my husband this does not feel ethical to me! My parents were never able to afford their own home and we ended up moving several times because of landlords raising rents.

Also, to earn the most amount they said I would have to quit teaching and work on the properties. I do not want to quit my job, but my husband thinks I am stupid because I could be earning more for us if I did real estate as my job.

We are paying off his student loans so we can’t always afford to buy the things he wants to buy. Their course about Airbnbs opens tomorrow and he is following me around trying to change my mind. I finally yelled at him to leave me alone and he started playing WoW with the door open and screaming at other players.

I know we could earn more, but I don’t want to quit my job as a teacher. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:


The doctor selling this course is earning funds off their ‘strategy’ – I’m willing to bet they make more off selling these $4k ‘courses’ than they do their investment properties.

Of course, these doctors are going to be all excited with the promise of a return because they feed off the excitement of others – a typical MLM approach.

Don’t quit your job. You will resent your husband (if you don’t already) and be really mad at yourself.

You have a serious and justifiable moral objection to their scheme. Also, if you go through with this, your husband would be barking orders at you about how to run the properties, taking the stress of the properties out on you, but he wouldn’t even be the one managing the properties, or handling maintenance, repairs, etc. YOU would be doing all the stressful grunt work while he counts how much money comes in.

You’d need an LLC, an accountant, and basically a whole system. Flipping properties does not easily earn so much. Evicting tenants is not easy or quick.

And seriously, there’s an affordable housing shortage – people buying up properties just to increase rent makes them inaccessible to so many.” SilentCounter6750

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, perhaps it’s because there is a housing crisis in my country where oftentimes people even in their thirties can’t afford to move out, but I absolutely despise ways of earning funds like this.

He is a high earning professional, and is probably going to be in the highest percentage of earners sometime in the future: isn’t that enough?

Does he absolutely have to earn by forcing poor renters out of their homes? I think it’s absolutely disgusting. But no, it’s not even going to be a side project: you have to quit your job in order to solely focus on this way to earn more.

It doesn’t matter if you like your job or not: the most important thing is solely the money.” MissBlue12345

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and the whole thing sounds super fishy if you have to pay 4K to attend a course. There are companies (pyramid scheme/multilevel marketing) that have done exactly this except when you’re in the course, you learn very little and to learn more you have to pay thousands more to go on other courses.

It’s a complete scam.

Owning rentals is a lot of work. You are legally responsible for the properties, and their upkeep from wear and tear as well as from tenant damage which may or may not be recoverable, making sure the properties are habitable and up to code.

It’s a whole headache so unless you are prepared for the stress I wouldn’t touch it.

Also, it’s not as easy as simply evicting people because some tenants will refuse to move, do untold damage, and refuse to pay rent. It’s expensive, it causes stress and sleepless nights.

As you’ve already said it’s unethical and immoral. You’d be getting rich off of the backs of others and forcing them out when you want to hike the rents, potentially leaving them homeless. It’s disgusting. It’s greedy. We have a housing crisis in many places where affordable homes to buy are being bought up by greedy landlords who want to make a quick buck.

We don’t need more of these, what we need are affordable homes to rent and to buy.” ToxicDinosawr

5 points - Liked by lebe, Stagewhisperer, LilacDark and 2 more

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rbleah 1 year ago
Got news for you the ONLY ONES to make money is the grifters running the scam.
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11. AITJ For Not Wanting My Grandma At My Wedding?


“I (19f) and A (22M) are getting married next summer. My mom (41f) and Stepdad (33m) and my Paternal grandparents are splitting the costs with me and A. So my Maternal Grandma (we’ll just call her MG) has not spoken to me in a year due to her partner saying that I treat her terribly (I have never spoken ill about my grandmother and quite frankly always defended her from her partner’s cruel attacks on her.) MG also has a terrible hoarding problem and does not shower, change her clothing, brush her hair, etc. plus likes to make everything about herself.

Well, Mom brought up to MG that I’m getting married and she wanted to be invited. So my mom brought this up with A and me. I said ‘Mom I love MG to death but I don’t want her at my wedding. 1.) she hasn’t talked to me since thanksgiving 2.) she’ll ruin my $3,000 pictures because she’ll refuse to clean up for the event.’

My Mom told me I need to grow up and this is probably the only wedding of any of her grandkids she’ll be able to attend because my brothers shut her out. Stepdad, Fiancé, and Paternal Grandparents say they see where I’m coming from but mom called me a jerk so AITJ?”

Another User Comments:


Normally it’s wrong to not invite people who are important in your life to these events but the hygiene issue, making everything about herself and her hostile partner is a really bad combination and would likely result in making other guests very uncomfortable.

If your mom is so insistent on your grandma being there then your mom needs to be the person who guarantees that grandma is washed and presentable and if she’s not, mom is the person who will deny grandma entry and take her home.” HarveySnake

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Even putting your feelings about wedding photos aside, the fact that she’s refused to talk to you in a year is reason enough to not invite her. If she’s upset for not being able to have attended any of her grandchildren’s weddings then that’s on her for treating them poorly.

Additionally, there’s also the fact her bad hygiene would make other guests feel uncomfortable. Anyone sitting next to her will not be able to enjoy themselves if the smell is unpleasant. Lastly, this is your wedding. It’s not your job to appease the wants of other people.

So if you don’t want to invite her then people need to accept that.” TheRedSkittle4

Another User Comments:


As a compromise you can offer to invite her on the condition she is hygienic and dressed appropriately. Have someone you trust pick her up (like a brother who has been through this already) and if she is not prepared as agreed, she doesn’t go.

Then it is up to her to do what is necessary to get to that point by the date, whether that be asking for help or making changes herself. Even if she doesn’t make it, this may spur her to make progress for herself which will pay off in the future.” Beth21286

5 points - Liked by lebe, Stagewhisperer, LilacDark and 3 more

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ssso 1 year ago
If it were just the pictures thing I might lean towards being a jerk. But according to OP EVERY grandkids has cut maternal grandma out of their lives, so it sounds like there's been a lot more crappy behavior besides gm not talking to OP and being a hoarder with bad hygiene. It takes a lot for literally every single grandkid to never want anything to do with their grandparents.

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10. AITJ For Not Looking After My Sister-In-Law's Child?


“I (33F) have a daughter (5F), my SIL (long-term partner of my stepbrother Jake) Tina (34F) has a daughter, Cassie, also 5 from a previous relationship.

Every summer for the past few years, my stepsiblings, our partners, and I have visited our parents at the holiday retreat they run from anywhere between 4-7 weeks.

This past summer, I was there for 6 weeks and Jake and Tina were there for 4. My husband was there for three weeks on and off due to work commitments, and I brought the nanny.

During the third week Jake and Tina were there, my husband and I decided to take my daughter on a day trip, as the nanny had the day off and we were going a little stir-crazy.

We told everyone at breakfast, and afterward, when it was just the women at the table finishing our tea, Tina asked if we could take Cassie with us on our day out. I was very confused as to why Tina would ask this as I have barely any interaction with Cassie, I find some of her behavior very off-putting and I don’t have a natural inclination towards children, and second, Tina and I don’t know each other well enough that I’d ever consider asking her such a favor.

I said no, it was just a family day out for the three of us, and presumed that would be the end of it, but Tina insisted.

She begged me to take Cassie and said she hasn’t had a break the whole summer, she’s overwhelmed and would like to spend some time with Jake.

I said no again, and Tina asked if my nanny could watch Cassie for a few hours, but I told her it was the nanny’s day off. Tina started to get tearful, saying she really thought that as a fellow mother I would understand needing a break since I have someone employed for that very purpose.

I didn’t know what to say to that so I just said goodbye to my mother and started to leave, and as I did, Tina burst into tears. My mother told me to go and that she would calm Tina down.

When we came back later that evening Tina wasn’t at dinner, and my parents and Jake were babysitting Cassie.

My mother said she had reached a compromise with Tina that they would watch Cassie for the evening so Tina could rest (they can’t during the day as they are still actively running the retreat). The next day Tina reappeared and everything was back to normal, though she was noticeably colder towards me but it didn’t bother me.

A few days ago we were discussing all getting together for Christmas in a group chat, and Tina said she was really looking forward to it but that she hopes we could all be a bit more ‘accommodating’ with the kids and that ‘it takes a village’.

I just replied that I wouldn’t be needing any accommodations, thanks, and the conversation moved on. My mother says while she understands why I said no, seeing the state Tina was in and the meltdown she had after I left, she would have said yes.

She said I don’t understand how tough it is because I have so much help. So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It is fine for you to want to have an outing for just your family. It was also fine for Tina to ask, but, once you said ‘no,’ that should have been the end of it.

Her daughter is her responsibility. I suspect she came on the family vacation in hopes of shifting her parental responsibilities to someone else and was frustrated that it wasn’t happening.

What she needed to do, instead of throwing a temper tantrum, was, perhaps, to make a deal with the other parents so all parents could have some time off, as opposed to just her foisting her kid on someone else.” bamf1701

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It appears Tina is very manipulative and has a sense of entitlement, in my opinion. You have every right to spend time with your own family. She overreacted. You pay for your Nanny. She doesn’t. If she wanted the nanny to look after her daughter on a day off, she should have asked the Nanny directly and offered to pay her for her time.

She chose to have a child and she shouldn’t place any babysitting expectations on the people around her, especially when there isn’t any relationship developed between all of you yet. What if her daughter was hurt while you were kind enough to take her with you?

Her needing a break from her child isn’t your responsibility. She’s an adult and needs to make her own arrangements.” SquirrellyDog2016

Another User Comments:


I love your text message at the end.

Listen, I am childfree but I realize parents need breaks too. I also think they need to plan for them!

If she had sat down with you earlier and asked how you/your husband/your nanny/the parents could help coordinate a day out for her and her husband, it would be kind (not necessary, but kind) to figure out something so they could do that.

For example, the nanny plans to take both kids to do X activity for a few hours (fun for the kids to hang out with each other, ideally not much more work for the nanny), then the whole family minus SIL and husband have dinner together, grandparents watch the kids for the rest of the evening.

That’s what a village is, it isn’t giving in to temper tantrums and disrupting your day to accommodate someone who is unable to plan.

And even her text about the holidays shows exactly who she is. She isn’t asking for a specific thing – Jake and I would like to go see X show while visiting, could someone babysit?

– she is just vaguely noting that she expects other people to be on call when needed.” mfruitfly

5 points - Liked by lebe, Stagewhisperer, LilacDark and 2 more

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Beenthruit 1 year ago
NTJ. It's obvious Tina is very jealous of you and can't stand the fact that you have help. This is NOT your problem. Continue to refuse to take Tina's child so she can "relax".
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9. AITJ For Not Liking The House My Husband Bought?


“I (29F) am upset that my husband (34M) purchased a home for us with very little consultation from me. My husband and I have been together for 6 years and in those years we have moved 4 times between 3 states.

This was supposed to be the final move. My husband has worked very hard in his career, and I have always supported him. Consistently putting my needs aside, picking up and moving at the drop of a hat because I have the luxury of being able to work from anywhere.

We decided at the end of 2019 to settle down, buy a home, and have a child. 2020 came and life had to be put on hold. A few months ago he got the promotion he wanted. The raise was significant, and wouldn’t require any more relocating.

We talked about it and agreed to find our ‘forever home’ and start trying for kids.

The move would require us to go to a state neither of us had lived in before. We’d looked at half a dozen places, and he’d been traveling for 3 days a week to stay there living in a hotel so he could work onsite and view homes in person when he could.

One day he sent me the link to a listing and asked what I thought, I said the house looked nice, but I wanted to see it in person. He came home the next day telling me he put in an offer on that house I liked. I was extremely upset and told him I didn’t want to commit to this place.

He assured me I was going to love it. I contacted the realtor asking if we could get out of the offer and the short of it was no. Since no one was living in the house the realtor did get approval for me to do an in-person tour and the house was fine.

The neighborhood however left me feeling uneasy. It just didn’t seem like a safe place to raise kids, and about 4 houses down there was a home that was boarded up. The realtor assured me there were good schools in the area so it was family-friendly.

We moved in this weekend and have spent 2 nights here. This place does not feel like a home to me. Being on the 4th move in 6 years I normally have no issue settling into a new space. I would not have said yes to this home.

I haven’t seen or heard anyone (adults, children, or pets) all weekend when the weather has been nice.

Last night my husband and I got into a fight when I told him tearfully that I just don’t want to live here. I have tried explaining to him over and over again that the issue isn’t just the whole process of me not being involved, but also that I genuinely am not comfortable here.

Even his family has gone as far as to say that I’m ‘overreacting and not even giving the place a chance.’ He told me if after a year I still hate it here we can move again, but that just feels like we’re putting things on hold again.

Am I the jerk for seeming ungrateful?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You might want to reconsider having kids with this guy. He has ignored and disregarded your feelings on something as important as where you live and work. You will probably be in the house way more than him and it doesn’t sound like he cares how comfortable you are in your own home.

Having and raising kids with someone like that is not going to be easy.

And who gives him the right to say you have to live there for a year before moving if YOU don’t want to live there? I can’t imagine ever doing something like that to my partner.

The moment you said you weren’t comfortable he should have been looking for a way to sell the house.” vivid_prophecy

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Women are sometimes more attuned to subtle indications of danger that men can miss (not universally, of course). It’s unfortunate that he chose to make this move unilaterally.

You need to think about how you can invest sweat equity and make it a good decision to sell again as soon as feasible. See if you can quantify the bad feeling, too. It might be as simple as broken streetlights, which could be fixed by calling the city.

Be the change, and while you’re doing that think about the way he inflicted his choice on you and what you want to do about that going forward.” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You wanted to see the house first. That’s a normal, reasonable ask as one-half of a couple buying a house.

Even if you didn’t have legitimate concerns about the neighborhood, I honestly wouldn’t blame you for having a permanently negative view of the house because it’s a giant reminder that he went behind your back to do something he wanted that would have a major impact on you, without your input, because he didn’t care about how you felt.

Which he has proved by getting mad at you for having feelings about what he did. Wait a year or don’t, it’s up to you whether you feel like this is a deal breaker – but I would be getting myself on birth control immediately which cannot be tampered with, at least until the year is up.

Because if this does end up becoming a deal breaker it’s gonna be much, much harder after kids start entering the picture, especially if he starts using those as leverage against you to get you to put your own feelings and wants aside as well.” ISTFMM

4 points - Liked by lebe, Stagewhisperer, LilacDark and 1 more

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Squidmom 1 year ago
NTJ. Can you move on your own? I would not want to be with someone who is that controlling. And yes he is controlling. He makes you move all the time thrn he buys a house without you. No jerk way!
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8. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be Responsible For Taking Care Of My Cousin?


“My aunt lives with her partner in a different city and had a daughter who is now 4 years old. The child has down syndrome, and even if I am not a doctor or so, I understand that she has very ‘strong’ symptoms, like she doesn’t talk and maybe will not even in the future.

In other words, it will not be safe for sure for her to live alone in her adulthood.

Now, my aunt and her partner are trying to ‘prepare’ for the moment in which they will not be alive anymore, financially and practically speaking. I understand it is a difficult thing to do, and it is not my business how they want to accommodate things for her and her future.

However, my family and I have a house credited to my grandpa. In the garden, there is a small garage that belongs to my aunt. She wants to do some renovations and transform it into a little studio flat for her daughter. It is HER garage, so I know I don’t have the right to say something, but to me, this idea sounds like ‘when we will die she can live literally in your garden, so you will have to take care of her’.

I don’t know, I am confused, and frankly, I feel forced to have a future in which I have to take 24-hour care of a disabled person. I’d like to talk to my aunt and clearly say that I’m not going to do it, and honestly, I am angry about her behavior (as far as I know, she didn’t talk to my family about this garage studio in the garden plan before, she simply said that she’s gonna do it).

I really need to know if I am the jerk to say what I am thinking to my aunt and be clear with her that I’m not taking care of a disabled person.

Please, be honest. If I am the jerk, I wanna know it.

PS: I decided a long time ago to not have children. I really don’t want to have this responsibility in my life and have a very independent lifestyle that I like. It is my choice, and I made it also because I don’t want to take care of someone else in a parental/legal guardian way.”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here yet. The garage is your aunt’s property she can do whatever she wants with it. You have all the right to not want to take care of her daughter. However! You definitely should not assume your aunt’s daughter’s future difficulties or your aunt’s ‘plans’.

Perhaps where you live has better availability or quality of in-home care and that’s why she wants her to live there or maybe she just wants her to live close to you so she’ll have a familiar face.

There can be a million reasons that aren’t about you taking on the responsibility.

You’ll definitely be the jerk if you simply assume your aunt wants to put the responsibility on you and start telling her you won’t take care of her daughter. However, if you ask her what her plans are and she puts that up as an option you can calmly and respectfully let her know you don’t want that.” CandlelightIsMyLamp

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but I think everyone, including you and your aunt, is jumping the gun here. The kid is only four, for Christ’s sake.

If she is not able to live on her own in the future, she won’t be able to live in a studio flat on her own, regardless of whether relatives are close by.

And if she can manage to live alone, I’m not sure what the problem is.

I do think it’s time for a family meeting if only to discuss these ‘preparations’ with your aunt. But even if you’re actually made the legal guardian of someone, that doesn’t mean you have to let them live with you or care for them personally.

You just are responsible for making sure they are safely and appropriately cared for, like in a group home or something similar.” SamSpayedPI

Another User Comments:

“Soft YTJ. It wouldn’t be good for either you or your cousin for you to be forced to be her caregiver but, at least from what you’ve said, nobody is even asking you to do that – not to mention forcing you.

There seem to be a whole lot of incredibly ableist assumptions to unpack here but a few of the most important points are that:

This is a four-year-old child. You cannot, in any reasonable way, predict how a very young child will be able to function or how much assistance she’ll require as an adult.

There are many folks with Down syndrome who live completely independently or very close to it, and setting up housing for her now may, simply, mean that she’ll never have to fear homelessness if she faces employment discrimination and will have some friendly folks who care about her nearby.

No abled child has their future needs and abilities evaluated on the basis of their functional capacity at four years old, and no disabled child should either.

There are lots of ways to communicate other than speaking (Augmentative and Alternative Communication, picture boards, typing, American Sign Language, etc.), and being nonspeaking says absolutely nothing about someone’s ability to care for themselves.

Having Down syndrome does not mean that she’ll need a guardian as an adult. Technically, all disabled folks can act as their own guardians with enough support from family, friends, and/or paid caregivers.

If she does need a caregiver, whether to help for a few hours per day or 24/7, I’m not sure why you’re assuming that that would need to be you.

Depending on where you’re located, there are often state agencies that help connect disabled folks with caregivers or home health agencies and if, when she’s an adult, it’s clear that she will need in-home care, your aunt can start advocating for that as soon as she turns eighteen so it would almost certainly be set up long before she is likely to pass away.

Your cousin is a person with feelings, preferences, and the ability to meaningfully connect with others. Talking about a disabled person by simply listing the things that are challenging for them, acting as if a disabled child’s future is predetermined, and regarding disabled humans as simple burdens on the lives of abled folks is never okay.” RevolutionaryDiver80

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, you are under no obligation to take care of someone you didn’t willingly volunteer to do so. How does the property line work exactly? Does your aunt legally own the garage on paper or is the whole property shared by your parents and aunt and it’s just agreed she can have the garage?

Because that’s a very strange situation if there are legal documents specifying she owns the garage.

Anyhow you’re NTJ without a doubt. You simply aren’t the jerk for not wanting to get stuck potentially taking care of someone their entire life.

Edit: wanted to add that you should bring it up coy sometime, next time she mentions it asks what the plan is when your parents aren’t able to anymore.

That pretty much tells her you have no intention to play caretaker without having to sound like a jerk and if she suggests it’s up to you that’s when you give her a reality check. Maybe she’ll be mad for a while but she’d be a lot happier not spending the funds to renovate that garage than she would be if she could see her daughter getting moved out or something eventually with all that time, money, and effort wasted.” BrownieZombie1999

2 points - Liked by lebe, LilacDark and Beenthruit

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GammaG 1 year ago
My career was in developmental disabilities. You are WAAAAAAYYYY jumping the gun.

Main thing. She's 4!! Not 17 1/2 and moving in in 3 months.

People with Downs can live full, happy lives with minimal care, have jobs, get married, and even have perfectly normal children.

She might be a late bloomer and surprise everyone. She might development health issues and need a more structured environment. She's 4 years old, not an adult yet.

I have worked in sheltered workshops, private homes with children, teens, married couples, and single parents. In group homes, shared/supported living homes too.

You are way over thinking this. Mom can make a plan and do the remodeling but there's no need for anyone to be upset. Ask mom who will be her guardian if mom and dad pass away? If she is profound she will need a payee on disability funds and any money or property she inherits. If she's under age she'll need an adult to be her guardian. So they do need to consider that and get her care taken care of in their will. But that only happens IF both parents die.

In the next 14-17 years who knows what will happen. Most kids with this disability continue high school until the year they turn 21, so it could be 17 years before she is wanting to move into her own place.

Yes, they should have a will with her guardian set up, a complete guideline as to how the life insurance money should be spent each month, how much the guardian will be compensated for their care, and so forth.
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7. AITJ For Not Putting Cilantro On My Sister's Meals?


“I (27) have custody of my little sister (16). We grew up with our grandmother (GM) taking care of us since my sister was one year old. She is generally well-behaved but she loves attention.

My GM passed away two years ago. I took custody rather than make my sister go across the country to live with our aunt.

My GM taught me how to cook from a young age. She tried to teach my sister but she wasn’t interested and my GM didn’t have the energy to argue.

My GM was from Mexico. Cilantro is a basic part of many recipes there. And whenever she cooked my sister was there stuffing her face with everything on the table.

No complaints. Nothing. I have seen her shred fresh cilantro and add it to soups and sauces.

One of her friends thinks that cilantro tastes like soap. So that girl came by to study with my sister and she stayed for supper. She complained about the taste of cilantro and told me she has an issue with it.

My sister decided to join in and say that yeah cilantro is gross and it tastes like soap. So I ordered them a pizza. I ate my food and put away the leftovers. When my husband came home he ate all of it because he loves my cooking.

So next time my sister had friends over I asked if they were staying for dinner. I asked if any of them didn’t like cilantro. Of course, my sister and her original friend said that they hated it. So I made the meal with cilantro on the side only.

Once everyone had eaten I threw the remaining cilantro into the compost.

Now that I know my sister hates it I am not putting any in her food and she keeps saying her food doesn’t taste as good as it used to. I am also not putting out fresh cilantro when we eat together.

She says I am being mean and not cooking properly. I am just trying to teach her she doesn’t need to lie to fit in, or get attention.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ BUT, you’re not playing this right. You don’t need to prove your point in this passive-aggressive way.

You need to grow up a little and be the parent. Sit her down. And explain things. CALMLY, you cannot raise your voice once. And you should think about what you’re gonna say beforehand.

Tell her the food tastes worse because she has asked you to omit a key seasoning.

Explain that it’s a normal human reaction for us to sometimes adopt traits of people we want to like us. (Adults do this in relationships all the time) Tell her, it’s okay to admit it and she’s not in trouble. If she isn’t ready to admit it yet then you should just leave Cilantro on the table.

Tell her you know she likes cilantro and you think it stinks she isn’t getting the full flavor of your meals. So, when she’s ready she can put some on her food and tell her to just let you know if she’d like you to start cooking like normal again.

She’s a kid man, she’s trying to learn how to navigate being a human, help her don’t punish her.” TalosBeWithYou

Another User Comments:

“I’d say YTJ for two reasons:

First: By doing what you’re doing, instead of communicating with her, you’re just being passive-aggressive. This isn’t going to solve anything.

Reason number 2: You don’t even know the reason why your little sister is doing what she is doing. I see no reason for her to say she dislikes cilantro to be a jerk. If she wanted to be a jerk she’d probably just complain about your food in general.

There may just be an underlying reason that is born out of solidarity or insecurity, rather than malice.

This is going to sound weird, but as an introvert and extreme people pleaser, my first thought was that your little sister either did it to fit in or to not let her friend feel alone.

I know the feeling of not liking something but being too afraid to say it. So if a friend of mine doesn’t like something, my natural instinct is to assimilate. I’m getting therapy for it, and am starting to realize that my habits are bad for me.

Maybe your sister needs help too. Either way, you’re not solving anything by silently punishing her for something instead of just talking about it.” 25in2018

Another User Comments:

“‘I am just trying to teach her she doesn’t need to lie to fit in, or get attention.’

NTJ but have you directly discussed the behavior of lying with someone about small things in order to fit in? Or are you hoping she picks up on it over time?

Teen logic rationalizes behaviors to the point that the teenager believes the lie they told is a magically suspended truth-lie unless it is really broken down into clear understandable parts.

I’d sit her down and bring up the night she pretended to have the soap/cilantro reaction versus her entire cilantro-eating childhood and life with you & why it wasn’t cool. Make the direct correlation to her that just because a friend has a taste or preference doesn’t mean she has to agree with them to be accepted, and that she shouldn’t deny herself things she likes because someone else deems it ‘gross.’

This is less about her needing attention and more that she’s in a new home, lost her grandma/primary caretaker, and probably does desperately want to fit in with friends and be accepted. Help her see that parallel instead of making it into the passive-aggressive cilantro cold war.” ErnestBatchelder

2 points - Liked by lebe, Stagewhisperer and anmi

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GammaG 1 year ago
Teach her she doesn't need to change or limit herself to fit in. Give her self worth, enhance her self image. Give her power.

Make the separate food, have two small servings and her taste both. Ask her opinions, what tastes better, etc. Teach her, don't punish her.
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6. AITJ For Getting Married The Day After My Sister's Birthday?


“My fiancé and I are in the process of planning our wedding.

We decided on a venue and were given a list of available dates. We picked the option that worked out for both of our work schedules. This happens to be the day after my sister’s birthday.

My sister seemed a little annoyed that I picked that date and I told her it was the only one that worked for us.

I can tell she is mad. She said it will affect her birthday every year now. I know it will affect her birthday this year as it will be on the night of the rehearsal dinner but in future years it’s not like we will be having big celebrations for our anniversary requiring her attendance.

My parents think I am being a bit selfish and asked how I would feel if she got married on my birthday weekend. I told them I honestly wouldn’t care. They smirked and said they will suggest she do that when she gets married. My sister has mentioned me taking over her birthday weekend several times and mentioned how she won’t be able to celebrate.

So AITJ here for not picking another weekend?”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here, mostly. She’s on the edge a bit. I would get being annoyed about it, especially if you guys are big birthday people. Or that she won’t really get to celebrate her birthday because of the rehearsal dinner, it would be reasonable for her to be a little annoyed. If she is continuously asking you to change it, then she’s a jerk.

But, as you said, this was the only date that worked for you guys, and I’m assuming during a certain season, so that really shortens up when you’ll be able to do it. But, you can’t accommodate everyone completely, and she needs to understand that.

Hopefully, you guys will move on from this and not take a huge dig into your relationship. You’re definitely in the clear, and I hope you have a beautiful wedding OP.” Striking_Ad_6573

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Between birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, and kids’ sporting competitions, it’d be hard to find a date that isn’t within the same week as SOMETHING for someone in your family.

Looking at my family’s weddings, they’ve been on the same day as kids’ birthdays, prom, college graduation, you name it. It happens!

Yes, this year will be a little bummer for your sister with the rehearsal being on her birthday and so she can’t have plans with her friends Saturday night, but it’s one and done.

So long as you don’t make a big deal out of your anniversary every year (and let’s be real, anniversaries really should only be celebrated between the couple, the end) she will continue to be the center of attention for the rest of her life on her birthday.

Now assuming this is just her being upset at the moment and she’s actually a decent human being, I’d suggest you find a sisterly way of making her feel special on her birthday (take her to lunch just the two of you, get your nails done together, or similar).

Not because you have to, but because that’s what a decent sister would do.” Local-Letterhead1849

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here.

If there’s no other available date, there’s no other available date. That’s not your fault. It is what it is.

There’s also nothing wrong with Little Sister wanting her birthday celebration to not have to be combined with other family-oriented celebrations.

Usually, this comes up when people have birthdays near major holidays or when families insist that siblings or cousins have combined birthday celebrations, because of birthdate proximity. While it may seem unusual with a birthday/wedding day proximity, it is kind of understandable.

Another thing to consider is that she’s your sister.

You share parents. What happens if she has a milestone birthday party on the same weekend that you and your spouse want to have a milestone anniversary party? Either people will wear themselves out to go to both, or they’ll feel as if they have to pick one over the other – causing hurt feelings on the one whose party they are absent from.

Or worse, your sister will feel forced to celebrate her birthday on another day, so that your parents don’t have to do two celebrations back-to-back. Talk about a way to breed resentment between you and your little sister, right?

Finally, she’s your younger sister, and she may feel as if she’s either being compared to you or living in your shadow.

I’m not saying that she is. But, do you remember the ‘Marcia Marcia Marcia’ Brady Bunch episode? Sometimes, through no one’s fault, younger siblings feel overshadowed by their older siblings’ looks, lives, and/or accomplishments. I’m not saying that this is how your sister feels, but it might be worth it to have a conversation about it, just in case it is how she feels.

I’m not sure how you’d resolve this, but as she gets older and isn’t required to be present at your anniversary dinners, she’ll likely be happy to celebrate her birthday on her own terms, with her own friends, and without feeling as if her birthday is just an extension of – or worse, just a warmup act before – your anniversary.

I would caution you, though, to not be surprised if she decides to celebrate her future birthdays – especially the milestones – far away from you and any of your anniversary celebrations, milestones or not. Understand that I’m not coming down on you for your decision.

I’m just giving you a heads-up on how these kinds of dilemmas can play out if no compromise can be reached. People who feel forced to share their birthdays with other people in their families and/or other family events often end up going no-contact with their families because they feel as if they don’t matter as unique persons – or worse, they feel invisible, altogether.

Be careful here, OP – if for no other reason than for the sake of your sister and the relationship the two of you have together.” EYJacksonGilbert

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You need to lock down your vendors: put verbal passwords on your accounts with the cake bakery, in particular, the venue, caterer, etc. Because your sister or mom may try to add a Happy Birthday cake or just flat out sabotage the wedding, given their attitudes.

Tell the DJ or band what is going on. Make sure the DJ has the exact list of who is allowed to use the microphone. I’d write that in the contract – he doesn’t receive the balance of his payment if he gives your sister or parents the microphone.

This will make it more difficult for them to give a speech about your sister at your wedding.

Don’t have your sister as a bridesmaid. She’ll be a nightmare.

If any of your family continues to make comments about it, ‘I would be delighted to have you at my wedding.

But if you feel sister’s birthday is that important and you need to skip my wedding, I understand.’

(What you really understand in that case is that they’re toxic and you’re better off without them there if that’s how they feel.)

Make sure you see your sister’s dress ahead of time.

And have a friend assigned to watch for shenanigans by your sister or parents to intervene. They shouldn’t bother you with it – empower them to do what they need to do so you and your fiance can enjoy your special day and remain oblivious to your sister’s narcissism.” pupperoni42

2 points - Liked by lebe, LilacDark and elel

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TJHall44 1 year ago
NTA sister sounds like a spoiled brat and from what you said about your parents reactions she's obviously the golden child.
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5. AITJ For Not Telling My Aunt That My Cousin Lives With Me?


“Recently, my (29M) cousin (19F) moved in with me after a fight between her parents after she came out as a lesbian. My family is heavily religious and doesn’t like LGBT people, not to mention they post a lot of homophobic stuff on social media and whatnot.

She moved in with me a week ago, crying. She told me that both of her parents shouted at her and kicked her out of the house after the fight. She is one of the best children a person could ever have, she is amazing at her studies and an amazing person too, why could someone so close to her abandon her at a moment’s notice?

Yesterday my aunt came to my home, asking if my cousin moved in with me. My cousin explicitly told me to not tell anyone in my family or anyone close to my family that she is currently living with me. I was, first of all, surprised that my aunt visited me, asking if my cousin moved in with me.

I lied, telling her that I do not know where she moved to, probably to her partner’s. I didn’t allow her to go inside because I didn’t want her to see her stuff and my place is currently a mess.

I told her to ask other people she knows that might know where she moved. She started crying after I said that and told me that she has been looking for my cousin for 4 days with no luck.

I really felt bad for her but I still kept my promise of not telling her that she lives with me. My cousin came back home around 2-3 pm, I told her everything that happened and she started panicking and crying. I told her that everything will be okay and I didn’t say a single word that she has been living with me for a week.

Now, I really feel bad for my aunt. She has been looking for my cousin for 4 days and still no luck, I really want my aunt and cousin to make up and this problem is taking a toll on me.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ, as long as you keep your mouth shut.

Nah, man, screw her aunt. She kicked her daughter out. What did she think would happen?

It is NOT YOUR BUSINESS to get them to ‘make up.’ There is no ‘making up’ when you scream homophobic stuff at your daughter and kick her out of the house.

It’s good that you had your cousin’s back, but I can detect the slightest hint of you thinking that you should do something to ‘make it better.’ DO NOT DO THAT. Your cousin needs allies, not someone who feels bad because the homophobic parents who kicked their daughter out have a sad.” CermaitLaphroaig

Another User Comments:

“NTJ except for your last paragraph. Why on earth would you subject your cousin to her awful parents? Why do you feel bad for a bigot that made her own child homeless? If doing the right thing and helping a homeless and vulnerable family member takes a toll on you then you should just tell your cousin she needs to find someone else to stay with.

It sounds to me like you’re eventually going to try and force a reunion on them to make yourself feel better instead of protecting a very vulnerable young woman. You seem to feel more badly for a trashy person that mistreated and kicked out her child than the one who’s been treated abysmally.

Do better OP and at least be honest with your cousin that she’s only going to be welcome until your ‘guilt’ overcomes your compassion for this poor young woman.” Hufflepuffknitter80

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You are keeping your cousin safe.

People like your aunt are why LGBT people have high rates of depression and self-harm.

People like your aunt are the ones who send their children to conversion therapy and force adults to go. Those camps are full of different kinds of mistreatment and they’re known to more than double the incidence of self-harm.

Your aunt made a choice, to put her religion, which I guarantee she violates parts of on a weekly basis, above her own daughter.

Her choice has consequences.

Imagine what could have happened to your cousin if she hadn’t had such a good cousin to help her as you. That is what your aunt knowingly and willingly chose to potentially inflict upon her own child. That’s not someone you need to feel bad for.” tinysydneh

2 points - Liked by lebe, Stagewhisperer, LilacDark and 1 more

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TJHall44 1 year ago
NTA jerk your aunt she made her bed & now has to sleep in it.
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4. AITJ For Telling My Wife Not To Confront My Mom?


“My mom is currently visiting us. This is the first time since we moved three years ago.

She is not one of those intrusive MILs so sometimes I just wish my wife would let the little things slide.

My mom and my wife had some issues years ago, but my mom has been fine during this visit. The only issue is she isn’t eating, and I mean literally isn’t eating anything.

She is clearly going out and buying food, because she doesn’t seem sick or lethargic at all, but since getting to our house the only thing I have seen her eat is one chocolate peanut butter cup. She sits with us while we eat, but always says she isn’t hungry/doesn’t feel well (though she seems fine).

Later in the evening, she asks to use my car to get ‘coffee’ so I am sure she is going out, getting what she wants, and binge eating enough to get through the next day. Personally, I don’t care. She is being a good guest, it’s nice for me to see her, and she isn’t being careless with my car, so no problem.

My wife however is furious. She is currently not speaking to my mom due to this. She says I need to confront her or she will. I flat-out refused as I said she is being polite about it and who are we to force her to eat?

My wife called me spineless and said she is going to handle it. She called her mom and sister to get their opinion and is now all ready for a confrontation.

I broke down this morning and begged her to just let it go. She accused me of wanting her to just shut up and endure for my sake and is now mad at me.

She says she has to do it as I am being a mama’s boy. My mom is flying home tomorrow and I just do not see any reason to make this an issue.”

Another User Comments:

“Your mother is being a rude houseguest to both you and your wife to your faces, I can understand why your wife is mad at your mother and you.

Your mother is an adult and can communicate why she isn’t eating instead she’s lying about why she needs to go out and eat takeout when she as an adult can be upfront.

Everyone sucks here.” vain_alchemist3723

Another User Comments:


I find it incredibly weird that your mother just wouldn’t say.

Hey, you know how fussy I am, but I don’t want to put you in any trouble so I’m just going to buy XYZ food and eat that with you at the table.

I feel like that is the normal thing to do in this situation.

I’d be mildly insulted but I’d grit my teeth and live with it. But this is psychological torture to me. To sit at the table and not eat and then go and eat in her room. I don’t know maybe this is a cultural thing but that gives off such crazy energy to me.

I’d have been locking my bedroom door at night.

So I’m on your wife’s side that is unacceptable crap on your mother’s part. Which I suppose puts me in the YTJ camp. But I’m mainly just boggled by the whole situation.

I can get why you want to keep the peace and get her out now without a row.

But the real YTJ reason is not calling her out on this behavior earlier in the visit, like the second or third meal.” Indifferent_Jackdaw

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

Your mom is being very passive-aggressive with her blatant refusal to eat anything in your home.

This is extremely rude and in some cultures a direct insult.

Your wife’s reaction is over the top and for calling you ‘spineless’. Calling your husband names is definitely jerk territory.

Finally, your behavior is understandably infuriating to your wife and you are enabling your mother’s rude behavior.

The three of you need to act like adults and discuss this issue openly.” FLmom_Report4590

Another User Comments:


I don’t understand why you don’t want to figure this out for your mother’s health. You’re not sure that she’s eating, you’re just assuming.

This could be an eating disorder or there is an allergen in your home she can’t consume. If that is the case, you and your wife are big jerks for not trying to help her.

I’m confused as to your wife’s attitude.

Does she find this offensive towards her housekeeping or cooking? Without any other info, this seems a very harsh line to take. Have they argued about food in the past?

Either way, sticking your head in the sand makes you a jerk. You should be mediating all issues between your wife and your mother, and you’re doing nothing.

You should be figuring out the problem and then deciding if it’s something you want in your home. If your mother just refuses to eat your wife’s cooking, she shouldn’t be staying in your home, period. If she’s allergic to something, you and your wife should be making your home a safe place.

But it’s on you to correct this situation. You should have done so already, but you absolutely have to before your mother visits again.” Accomplished-Cheek59

2 points - Liked by lebe, LilacDark, LizzieTX and 1 more

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ammi1 1 year ago
This one is kinda weird. Your mom needs to be upfront about why she hasn't eaten anything in your house. Your wife needs to calm down because it's just going to make everything worse. Sit your mom down without your wife and ask what is going on. If I had some staying at my house but refused to eat anything I made I would be very upset. Especially if I didn't know the reason. I would like to know what I am doing wrong so I could correct it and make something they would enjoy or at leadt eat willingly. You need to be the one to find out what your mom is not saying if you really want to keep the peace.
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3. AITJ For Letting My Brother's Kids Go Hungry?


“My brother started a job that will need him to travel for up to a few weeks at a time. He’s widowed and has two kids. The job is great for him and the kids, but obviously, the kids have to go to school. On the other hand, I work from home and live literally 3 blocks away from him so I don’t mind taking care of the kids since it’s nice to see them.

I’m on the autism spectrum and have ADHD so I need things to be a certain way otherwise it won’t work for me. I have to cook certain things on certain days or else it will all fall apart. I quite literally have my meals planned out 3 weeks ahead.

The issue I bring up is that I basically let the kids skip lunch and dinner since they didn’t like what I made on our first day together. I didn’t get angry at them or anything I just told them they didn’t have to eat if they didn’t want to so they went and played on their tablets both times.

They were pretty hungry at around 10 so we reheated the saved dinner that they didn’t eat and they picked at it a bit. The second day same thing happened but they ate all of the lunch I made. After that, they pretty much just ate whatever I already cooked. Minus a few things that they just didn’t like such as pumpkins.

After my brother got back I told him that he should let me buy them fast food or something (he explicitly told me no since he knows I spoil them) so they don’t feel hungry. He got pretty mad when I explained what happened. He called me a jerk for letting his kids go hungry.”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here

Op, you understand picky eating. Yet you’re expecting children to behave more like an adult than you do.

If this is going to be a regular thing? 1 – you need to be paid. And 2 – you need to accommodate the children, just like you want to be accommodated.

You say you plan things out well in advance. Ok. So start now – sit down with the kids and find out what their particular dislikes are. Find out what they love – and ask them about your fave meals, to see their opinions on them.

Also, find some easy-to-make things that have a long shelf life that you can keep around as an alternative in case you make a new meal that they hate. Stuff like ramen noodles, and simple sandwich ingredients.

Once you know these things, you can plan out your meals in advance like normal – but now you can include their needs and preferences in your planning.

And if you have a meal that you want and you don’t know if they will like it, you’ll have backup easy foods that you or they can prepare.

Forcing them to eat something they hate isn’t fair – it’s very hypocritical of you.

Asking them to try a meal they’ve never had before is fair, but forcing them to eat it when they didn’t like it isn’t. You don’t need to cook a whole alternate meal, but you DO need to find a balance.

If you’re not willing to do that? Then tell your brother that he needs to find different childcare.” Ohcrumbcakes

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Doing the let them skip a meal until they eat what you give them thing is fine if it’s one meal but you let them skip TWO!

They didn’t eat from BREAKFAST until TEN O CLOCK at night? That’s completely unacceptable. Not to mention it’s also incredibly hypocritical to expect them to accommodate your picky eating but then refuse to accommodate theirs. If you volunteer yourself to look after his kids then you head to actually step up and do so!

Accommodate their eating by planning out meals for them that they will actually like. It’s more work but it’s also clearly necessary.

Ask your brother in advance if any of the meals that you planned for yourself THREE WEEKS BEFORE this was due to happen will work for them and work around the ones that won’t.

PB and Js will work great for kids and they aren’t junk food it’s literally nuts and fruit, yes there is sugar added to the jam but there is sugar in everything. Or there are so many quick and easy alternatives for kids eg ready meals or simple recipes or frozen nuggets and waffles and peas in a pinch.

Maybe your brother should just bite the cost and hire a nanny instead. You don’t have to eat what you make for them and they can have leftovers for lunch the next day if you make too much for one meal.” Silvermorney

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, your brother only gave you a few days’ notice, knows what you eat, did not prep anything or give you food/snacks/etc. You dealt with it and he was incredibly rude as well as ungrateful.

If he had left you food, given you a meal plan with ingredients, snacks, and notes on when the kids usually eat as well as what they enjoy then maybe he would have a leg to stand on but currently it looks like he did not check in or ask for updates, failed to do any kind of handover (I’ve gotten 4 pages of notes when cat sitting and I’m pretty sure cats are less complicated than children) and after days of no communication after requesting this massive favor decided to throw a tantrum at you instead of saying thank you, throwing you cash to cover whatever as a thank you and other standard things.

Do not babysit for him again until he apologizes. This has nothing to do you with you being autistic and everything to do with him being an entitled beggar. He does not have a license to be rude and blame you for his mistakes, poor planning, and bad communication.” HannahAnthonia

Another User Comments:

“I kind of think YTJ.

These kids had to stay with you for a while, that’s a pretty long time to eat meals you’re not unfamiliar with. And 10 pm is late. I have to wonder why you, an adult, didn’t ask your brother or the kids what healthy meals they like at home.

That’s not catering to the kids. That’s meeting them halfway during a transitional time when they’re away from home and dad.

Dad also could and should have prepared you for that, knowing your inflexible schedule. There’s nothing wrong with your meal planning, but more empathy was needed.

Weird that you accept your inflexibility but you weren’t willing to understand they may also have their own preferences and feelings around food.” Ladyughsalot1

1 points - Liked by Mewhoelse, Stagewhisperer, LilacDark and 1 more

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Bruinsgirl143 1 year ago
You're not a jerk, they didn't starve they just learned to eat what is served and maybe new things they liked or didn't. Tell him future reference either send food or send money for their food
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2. AITJ For Not Letting My Daughter's Partner Sleep Over?


“My (50m) daughter (f20) is in college and stays at her (m21) partner’s a lot which my wife and I do not like very much. We let her do what she wants nonetheless.

She pays for her own tuition and works plus pays for all of her own things minus we pay for rent, we have a room for her and she does live with us. She asked if her partner could come sleep over too so that she could feel more comfortable staying at home more often.

We said absolutely not. She was upset because she said it was her own room and that she has been with him for almost 3 years. We just will not allow it under our roof and she threatened to move in with him. We really want her to continue living here but do not want them sleeping together under our roof (we do not like it with her there either but she is an adult).

We have a pretty good relationship so this has been hard for us.

So AITJ?.”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here – but be very clear with yourself on what you’re doing here. You’re telling your daughter that the family home is YOUR home, not hers and that enforcing your rules is more important to you than spending time with her or making her feel welcome and comfortable in her own home.

If that’s accurate and if you’re willing to prioritize her not sleeping with her partner in your house over continuing to have a close relationship with her, then that’s your call. (This is not snark – this is simply the reality of what you’re communicating, so you need to be sure it’s what you intend to communicate and what you actually feel.)” Resting_NiceFace

Another User Comments:

“YTJ – Yes it is your house your rules. But being a jerk isn’t about the ‘rules’ in a situation but how you treat others. You have made it clear to your daughter that you don’t respect her as an adult enough to make her own choices.

If there were good reasons you didn’t want him over, that would be different. You also assume they already sleep together. So you need to ask yourself why it is different under your roof and why you have an issue with this in the first place.

Then you need to ask yourself if this is the hill worth dying on when it comes to your relationship with your daughter.

There are valid reasons from extreme ones like ‘he is a known criminal’ down to the more benign ‘our bedrooms are next to each other and the walls are thin.'” VoltesVoltron

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here.

If it is your values that she shouldn’t sleep with him in your house and that you would do the same for anybody in her situation, whatever it is, well you’re allowed to have that in your house.

But also, as you said, she’s an adult with her own set of values and if she decides this is her breaking point, she will move out and live her life and you can not blame her for wanting to live according to her own values as you do.

And this could be a turning point in your relationship with her as an adult, and if you want to remain close to her it’s better to be accepting than trouble. She will not be forced to maintain a relationship with you, don’t forget about that.

It’s about what you value most. Continuing to spend time with her and be close or not having her sleep with her partner under your roof.” Responsible_Brain852

Another User Comments:

“They already have been sleeping together by this point, she’s an adult and you can’t tell her who she can and cannot sleep with.

She’s your child, but she’s not a child.

This isn’t a kid sleeping around with a random for 1 month, sounds instead like a committed long-term relationship of 3 years. If the guy was bad, you’d have immediately said it in the post. Meaning this is just you overstepping control over your daughter just because she lives with you.

She already has her own job and pays her own tuition, you only want her to stay to control her. You said in another reply ‘she can do as she pleases’ but immediately in the post say you don’t let her do so at yours.

She’s better off moving out now, so she can finally be the adult you proclaim to treat her as, but clearly don’t act on.

You can disagree all you like with her decisions, but the only thing she needs to be independent is to get away from living with you.

Suck it up, be there to support her and catch her if things fall, but try to control her like a child, and you will push her as far away from you as you can. You can’t want her to be an adult and want her to stay so you can pressure her out of having the relationship she wants with her long-term partner.

YTJ without question. Don’t expect her to grow into a healthy adult if you want to keep her locked under your roof and rules when she’s more than happy to leave and be an independent adult.” Vaalzhin

-4 points - Liked by Mewhoelse and ShayneSanchez

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Your house your rules. If they want to sleep in the same room daughter and her partner can get their own place. They have been together three years. They can get their own apartment. I wouldn't allow it either. NTJ
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1. AITJ For Asking My Sister To Mind Her Own Business When It Comes To Naming Our Kids?


“My wife and I have two girls together and their names are Dove and Lark. My wife grew up with the name Blossom and always loved having her own unique name. I went by James or Jamie growing up (my middle name) and always hated how common it was, but I felt less aged than I did with my first name Vincent.

The names of our girls stand out a lot within my family, who all go for the top 10 to top 50 names for their kids. Most of them don’t care. Some even said it was nice to see some variety in the family names. But my sister Emma asked why we picked bird names instead of legit classic names.

I told her at the time our oldest was born that it was our taste and we didn’t want something common that our kids would hear every day.

Emma had her daughter Elizabeth recently and decided to bring it up again, only this time she was looking to make a point.

She was telling my wife how she was expecting us to be jealous of her daughter’s name and how dumb we must feel to have given our kids weird names and names that aren’t actually historical names. My wife told her she thought we all made the best choices with our kids in mind and the taste we individually had.

That didn’t stop Emma and she said our kids would hate us.

My wife pointed out that she didn’t hate her parents, that she had loved her name and how rare it was, and that our girl’s names were less rare than hers when she was born.

Emma didn’t like hearing that at all. I had been telling her to knock it off but when she wouldn’t back down I asked her why we’d be jealous of her daughter’s name when it was not what we wanted for our girls. She chimed in that we’d made our kids’ lives easier and after seeing her daughter with such a beautiful name it would make sense.

I told her it was dumb to think we’d regret or feel bad about the names we chose. I told her she might not like what we chose but she didn’t have to like it, she just needed to keep her mouth shut and not bring up what we name our kids.

She got angry and told me she was thinking of the girls and their future and that we were trying to be weird and trendy and didn’t care about their future.

AITJ for what I said?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I think they’re beautiful names.

Your sister is jealous of how much your girls will stand out with their lovely names. Naming a child is such a personal experience and it’s not your sister’s place to push that, nor disrespect your children and their names. Whilst the name Elizabeth is equally beautiful, it is no better than your girls.

It feels very much like your sister feels the need to prove herself better than you, it’s a shame she’s doing that through her nieces. I would suggest an ultimatum, drop it or low to no contact. Some people will overstep boundaries no matter what and there’s only one way to deal with that, sadly.

I have a name that’s only recently come back into fashion, but I’ve always had lovely compliments about it and that always brings a smile to my face.” AliceIsMyName01

Another User Comments:


As someone who started with a super common name and traded it for the name of an herb, common names are boring.

As someone who changed their name, it’s not uncommon to do. So if your kids don’t like their names later, they can choose their own.

Your sister is jealous she isn’t as creative.” CyberAceKina

Another User Comments:

“In the situation with your sister, you are NTJ.

She shouldn’t be harassing you so much about it. As far as the way you’ve named your children, however, you are. Children are cruel. They will definitely be mean and make fun of them. Also, the notion of parents naming their children unique names out of love for them is rubbish.

It is entirely out of narcissistic selfishness because they want a pat on the back from all their liberal arts friends about how creative they are to have come up with such an interesting and unique name.” jumpstartx

-6 points - Liked by Stagewhisperer, elel and mawi2

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limu1 1 year ago
You're NTJ for what you and your wife named your daughters - your sister is the TJ here for voicing her unwanted opinions. But you are slightly TJ for engaging gor so long with her over it, rather than just shutting her down firmly and immediately.
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