People Hope To Understand Themselves More In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
24. AITJ For Confronting My Twin Sister For Manipulating My Fiancée's Wedding Choices?
“My fiancée “Ann” (27 trans f) and I (26 cis m) are planning our wedding. We’ve been together for six years, and she’s the love of my life. Ann asked my twin sister “Lisa” to be her maid of honor, and Lisa accepted. At first, we were both really happy about this.
It took a while for my family to accept Ann as my partner, since she was the first out trans person they’d ever met, but for the last four years or so everyone has been great friends.
But as wedding planning has been happening, Lisa has started acting really strangely.
She and Ann went dress shopping, and Ann came back really upset. She had wanted to wear a formfitting dress with a mermaid skirt, but Lisa told her that I would be disappointed if she didn’t get a big ball gown because I’m “very traditional”.
I’m the opposite of traditional and no one would describe me that way. I’m fine with whatever Ann chooses to wear. I have no idea where Lisa got this from.
Then, when they were looking at flowers, Lisa told Ann I hate orange and she shouldn’t get any orange flowers.
Again, I don’t hate orange. I’ve never hated orange. I agreed on orange as one of our colors. Again, no idea why she’d say this.
And last week, when they were talking about the bridal shower, Lisa told Ann that I’d be upset if all our family wasn’t invited, including second cousins.
I haven’t seen most of my second cousins in years and they aren’t invited to the wedding. I don’t care who’s at Ann’s shower. But Lisa is pressuring her to drop several friends to make space for these cousins.
Ann isn’t sure if she wants to confront Lisa about this.
It took her a long time to be accepted by the family, and even though she wants the weird lies to stop she’s nervous about alienating my sister. But I’m furious that Lisa is manipulating Ann for whatever mysterious reason and ruining her wedding planning experience.
WIBTJ if I told her to knock this off, even if it makes her pull back from us?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like your sister is either projecting her own taste onto your wedding or trying to stir things up. This is a wedding for you & your fiancée.
Your sister was invited to the wedding. Not asked to act as a planner. She’s way overstepping.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“One of the keys to a successful marriage and harboring a good relationship between your spouse and your family is that you deal with your family problems even when your spouse is on the receiving end, and vice-versa.
It’s super easy for in-laws to hate on their children’s/sibling’s spouse and dismiss their complaints and concerns, your admonishment as their son and brother carries far more weight and shows, from the get-go, that you back your wife and will not be tolerating any kind of mistreatment towards her.
No matter the reason why Lisa is doing this it is disrespectful and shows she’s probably not going to care if Ann calls her out on it, if she did care she wouldn’t have done it at all. This is your sister and your problem you need to fix it.
NTJ.” FoxUniCarKilo
Another User Comments:
“You would be the jerk if you wouldn’t confront her. I think you’re a bit of a jerk for not doing it until now. Your twin sister is either lying or is very wrong. Either way she is controlling and out of line.
The wedding is about you two not her and she should respect it. I know it’s scary to confront her, but you can do it in a good way. Ask where those behaviors come from and try to work it out. Don’t let your married life start from a wedding controlled by someone else, and protect your SO from your family when needed.” LazyBinding
23. AITJ For Defending My Nephew Against His Dad's Insensitive Jokes?
“I (35F) have a nephew named Justin (17M). Justin was one of those spoilt and bratty kids you hear stories about and honestly, he had no manners at all. I hate saying this about innocent kids but he was a literal nightmare to be around.
My sister and her husband constantly excused/encouraged his behavior. I expressed how much I didn’t like him to his parents but they didn’t care.
Added the above section to explain what BIL means by “you don’t even like Justin.”
Anyway, I haven’t had much contact with my sister since she moved to Canada (We’re British) when Justin was about 13.
I’m currently visiting them (have been here for a few weeks now) due to family reasons and I’ve still yet to have a conversation with Justin as he’s never home BUT he’s been very polite.
I questioned my sister about it (sometimes jokingly sometimes seriously) and she just gets upset and tells me to mind my own business.
Anyways, yesterday, Justin came home from school wearing this sweater. Apparently, it was a girl’s brand and his mum noticed so she asked him why he had it.
He said he went to school in a thin shirt and it was cold so his partner gave him an extra sweater she had.
The poor kid looked so embarrassed saying it so I tried to change the topic but his dad came in laughing.
Dad said: “Aren’t you the man in the relationship? Why are you borrowing HER sweater for?”
He was “joking” but I found it quite insensitive.
Justin was already so embarrassed and he was making it worse.
BIL then said: “I’ve seen your partner before – she’s so tiny – why is her sweater so big on you? Time to hit the gym?”
I personally felt like he had crossed the line with the borderline body shaming so I stepped in and asked him if this was his attempt at a joke.
BIL told me to relax and said that he really was joking.
So I said he was incredibly unfunny.
For some reason this offended him so badly and he told me that I was getting upset for no reason and that I didn’t like Justin anyway so I had to mind my own business.
I told him he was making no sense but my sister told me to go away so now I’m just sitting in my guest room confused. Justin left the house after changing and came back late at night.
Anyways, AITJ for defending Justin despite it not being any of my business?
I don’t think I am at all (in fact I find this situation ridiculous) but BIL insists and my sister wants me to apologize if I want to stay with them.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t let your previous experiences with Justin cloud your judgment, or prevent you from standing up for him when his father was openly mocking him.
Justin was clearly uncomfortable, it wasn’t funny, it was hurtful. I would recommend trying to talk to Justin one-on-one (see if he’d be comfortable talking with you in his room with his permission, or even offer to take him out for ice cream or something, why not?) and use that opportunity to apologize/explain what his dad meant about you “not liking him anyways.” On several occasions, you expressed concerns about his behavior to his parents over four years ago.
While his parents blew you off, he still seems to have turned out to be a pretty good/okay kid, and you don’t hold his past actions against him; he was 13 years old, after all. It might be nice to let him know you’re there for him, and that he can always talk to you if he needs a more understanding adult to talk to than his dad.” ScratchShadow
Another User Comments:
“I think Justin’s parents are the reason he’s never home. What a bunch of toxic masculinity nonsense your BiL was spewing. Seriously, “omg is that a GIRL sweater, I thought you were a real man”? If she’s so much smaller than Justin that sweater was either huge on her, or it was Justin’s.
It sounds like his parents would be a nightmare to live with if he isn’t masc enough for them. Don’t apologize and try to find a moment to talk to Justin, that’s it’s not true you don’t like him, and if he needs anything to please contact you.
Make sure he knows you’ve got his back. NTJ.” ArtemisStrange
22. AITJ For Wanting To Stop Sending Christmas Gifts To My Step-Siblings' Kids?
“My mom married my stepdad when I was in high school.
His daughter was already at college and isn’t close to him (he’s the worst). We never lived together as siblings, and never got along. I was an awkward nerdy kid and she was literally a former cheerleader – sucks to fit stereotypes, but she was cruel to me.
Just girl bullying (mean looks, excluding me, subtle insults, etc.)
Well once I left the nest, we stopped seeing each other altogether. She had kids early and (due to pressure from my mom to continue the facade that we were one big happy blended family) I have dutifully bought the kids Christmas gifts from “Aunt Auri” every year, even though they have no idea who I am.
I’ve met them twice in the last 10 years.
I asked my mom a few years ago if we could all just stop. Stepsister keeps having kids and now my stepbrother is reproducing, and it feels crazy to buy gifts every year for people I have no relationship with.
She insisted it was for the children, and it would be different when I have children because then the stepsiblings would send us gifts, too.
Fast forward to this year. I moved across the country a few years ago, got married, and have a toddler.
Stepsiblings of course have not met my kid and I don’t know when they will. I don’t want gifts from them for my toddler. We have enough toys, etc., and try to live minimally. However, stepsister just emailed the Christmas lists for her kids. They are all in middle school or higher, and just want gift cards.
Can I just be done?? Somehow it felt easier when I was getting them actual toys or art supplies, but an Amazon gift card…? I might as well just put some bucks in an envelope. The gift cards will go into a pile of other gift cards – they will not notice who sent (or didn’t send) gifts because they don’t know me at all.
WIBTJ to email my stepsister and just say “no gifts for my kids please, and we’re done sending gifts to yours”?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Ah, the dreaded, “How do I stop sending gifts to related strangers?” dilemma. Abruptly shift to Christmas cards for each family.
One card each family. Maybe send a package of holiday fudge or a tin of Danish Butter cookies with it. Boom, done. You thought of them with less than indifference. If they call to complain, explain with you now having a child, your finances are not the same as before.” Willofthesouth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But you would probably save yourself and your mother some grief if you phrased it a little differently. Maybe let them know that your family has made the decision to keep Christmas a little more minimal and that there is no need for them to purchase anything for your little one.
Send a card and maybe a small family gift to them this year, next year just the card.” Slow-Ad6423
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. SHE MAILED YOU A LIST??? Hahahahaha nope. Lists are only necessary if you request them from the person you are giving the gifts to.
If you are just getting them gifts cause your mom told you to you can stop at any time. You are a whole grown mom yourself. Not even a question in my mind.” SunshyneDayz
21. AITJ For Wanting To Return To Work Instead Of Being A Stay-At-Home Mom?
“I (25f) had my daughter back in October with my husband (30m).
My husband grew up with his mother being a SAHM while his father worked, and wanted that in our relationship. When I got pregnant I was still working from home the majority of the time so he reluctantly agreed for me to keep working while pregnant.
We decided that I’d stay employed for the 6 weeks of paid maternity leave and then quit.
I genuinely thought this was what I wanted but honestly, it’s been awful. My husband works in Law and has long hours, leaving me alone to handle everything around the house on top of a baby.
I felt isolated and overwhelmed and felt like I’d lost my identity. I love being a mum and I love my daughter but after she’s done eating, changing a diaper, etc all she does is sleep. I know that that’s what she’s supposed to do at that age but spending hours alone was hard on me.
When I handed in my two weeks’ notice my boss didn’t want me to leave and offered me an amazing job. I’d work part-time only 2 days/3 days rotating each week. On top of this I’d only have to go in a couple of times a month if needed and would still get partial benefits and decent pay.
I was over the moon, I felt like getting back to work would make me feel more myself. My husband was not pleased at all. He argued that:
- I had agreed to SAH before we got married and when I was pregnant.
- I was abandoning our daughter and ‘why aren’t we enough for you?’
- I’d dump childcare on his mom or my income would only cover childcare and therefore wasn’t worth it.
I tried to tell him how I was feeling but he was too upset. He told me that he would’ve never married me if he knew I didn’t want to raise our child, and left to his friend’s place.
He came back 2 days later and only talks to me when it’s baby-related. It’s been like this for nearly two weeks and I know that I agreed to this years ago but AITJ for changing my mind? My MIL and SIL told me raising a family was the most important job I had and that it would ruin our family if I didn’t.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Wait, so he lectures you about abandoning your kid and hammers the point by abandoning both of you to go to his friend’s house? You may as well leave this guy. You’re already doing the single parent thing – this way you can do it without a jerk berating you.” NUT-me-SHELL
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband has been brought up in a sexist family and needs to wake up and smell the coffee. It’s not at all uncommon for principal carers to feel isolated, and especially if he’s dumped all the house chores on you and is hardly ever home.
Not all of us are wired for full-time caring, even if some men and women do find great fulfillment in being a stay-at-home parent. Stick to your guns – if you already know after six weeks that you can’t bear to be stuck at home, then this is too important to let drop.
And if your husband won’t listen, then perhaps you’re best out of this 1950s trap.” Ok_Smell_8260
20. AITJ For Threatening HR If My Senior Colleague Tickled Me?
“I am currently working on setting boundaries in my life. This has been a really hard process for me, but I just can’t keep being a people pleaser. My work environment has some toxic elements, and that is also a big source of stress. I’ve recently moved departments and am working closer with some of the people who really stress me out, so setting boundaries is crucial.
I work in a hospital and sometimes people sleep at work. We are in an area that is doing really well, so we are slowly returning to things being a bit less frantic. Thomas has the most seniority in my department and is department chair.
He isn’t officially my boss, but definitely in a position of power.
One of the female doctors, Adeline, was sleeping and Thomas went over and began tickling her. I was pretty taken aback, but like I said the work environment is slightly toxic. Adeline woke up and called him a jerk and said he always wakes her up like that.
At that time someone asked me if I wanted to take my break. I said yes, but I was uncomfortable (I didn’t even plan on sleeping and never really fall asleep there because I’m a bad sleeper) and I casually mentioned that if he tickled me I would go to HR.
Everyone in the room started laughing and acting weird. I tried to laugh it off and say I was just putting it out there, but Thomas got offended and said that he would never do that, that is so creepy, and she is his wife.
I didn’t know they were married, but I did see him kissing her in the parking lot once. I was humiliated because everyone was laughing, but he actually still seemed offended and repeated that that is so creepy and he doesn’t go around doing that to random employees.
Thankfully he and Adeline were both paged a few minutes later and I didn’t see him for the rest of the day, but he is still acting very cold towards me.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Was it socially awkward because it turned out they were married?
Yes. Was it inappropriate to set a boundary? No. You might want to say, “sorry if it was weird,” or just forget about it. They probably already have, except to know to respect your space.” BookLuvr7
Another User Comments:
“Honestly I’m going to go against the grain here and give you a light YTJ.
Sure you didn’t know they were married, but if you’ve seen them consensually kissing before you can assume that there is some sort of pre-existing romantic relation there. I can see how Thomas would be offended when you assumed he was a creep who tickled random women rather than assuming he was being playful with his wife or partner.
The reaction of the rest of the staff also kinda tells me that they found your comment weird. It isn’t really a big deal as it was just a misunderstanding but I would apologize to them and just tell them that that.” bikes_r_us
Another User Comments:
“Oof. I’m sorry but I read this as YTJ. I get that you’re working on setting boundaries at work. That’s awesome. That’s great. Tickling a coworker does not seem toxic though. Granted you didn’t know they were married but some coworkers have close relationships and are friendly.
In my office (when we were actually in the office) those of us who were close friends would play jokes on each other and hide each other’s mouses etc. Of course we’d never do this to someone random. It was just our way of messing with those we were closest to.
We also celebrated birthdays with presents and cake. Anywho off subject. You went straight from seeing someone being tickled to threatening HR. If it happened to you I’d be screaming all day long to go to HR but you weren’t even involved. This was definitely an overreaction on your part.
I’m sorry.” Hugs-n-McNugs
19. AITJ For Telling My Best Friend He's Still Insecure Despite His Physical Transformation?
“My best friend and I have known each other since we were in kindergarten.
Now we’re both in our 20s and still hang out regularly.
For some context, he was overweight throughout his childhood and teens. I never judged him of course because I cared about his personality more.
Well over the last 3-4 years he underwent something you could call a “glow up” phase.
He lost weight, got into shape, and even works as a personal trainer today. He looks unrecognizable and is now considered attractive by people.
Nowadays girls constantly hit on him and he gets LOTS of female attention. This doesn’t bother me at all since I’m not romantically interested in him.
However, he is frustratingly oblivious and his personality hasn’t changed much. He still doubts himself and doesn’t believe that women could possibly find him attractive. I find this insecurity annoying because I just wish he felt more confident. I also find it annoying because every time we’re out together women just flock to him.
At this point I rarely enjoy spending time with him.
A few days ago he invited me to dinner at a restaurant. The waitress was clearly hitting on him and I don’t think she even registered my presence. I thought her attraction was obvious but of course my friend didn’t realize what was going on.
He just said that she’s “really nice”. Oh yeah…just nice…totally.
So at this point I had to explain to him that she was obviously desperate for him. He denied it and I told him that his personality hasn’t changed much. He’s still the same chubby insecure kid I knew all these years and that’s never gonna change, ever.
He argued that he’s not the same person but I gave him a bunch of examples as to why I think he is. At the end we were quiet and he was visibly upset.
The next day we kinda made up because he felt bad so things are okay-ish now.
In my opinion, this was harsh but ultimately tough love. I’ve been lambasted by our friends (and even uninvited to a birthday party) so I’m wondering if I’m truly the jerk or if he was just too sensitive (he’s always been super touchy by the way).”
Another User Comments:
“Yeah YTJ. What was the point of that? You thought your friend was insecure so instead of building him up, you tore him down more? Like, the kid grew up being like that and you think he just instantly changed with how he looks?
It may not be your responsibility to teach him these things but that was so overly harsh for no reason.” dldoom
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. There’s nothing wrong with being a little oblivious to flirting. It doesn’t mean he’s insecure. How would you prefer he behave?
Would you rather he ignore you in favor of all these thirsty women? How is this any of your issue in any way?” widefeetwelcome
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your friend clearly has some baggage from his childhood and that baggage annoys you? Are you aware that the world does not revolve around you and that he’s a living breathing person with his own feelings?
Do you understand that your annoyance and obvious thinly veiled tall-poppy syndrome are unfair for him to have to deal with on top of what you call his insecurity? The dude needs a friend, not an envious emotionally immature person who’s going to dish out insults and call it tough love.” MM-dot-AU
18. AITJ For Not Wanting My Jewish Kids To Celebrate Christmas With Their Grandparents?
“I have no problems with people celebrating Christmas, nor am I the Grinch but I am a Jew and as such have never celebrated Christmas.
A few years before I was married and had children my SO brought me over to his parents’ on Christmas for a family get-together.
Nothing odd about Jews getting together on Christmas, I have done this before with my family and we have bagels or eat Chinese food for dinner. But I was quite surprised to see Christmas inflatables on their lawn and a full-sized Christmas tree in their living room.
I was even more surprised when everyone started opening Christmas presents wrapped in Christmas paper. My SO was given a bunch of presents from his parents and I believe they gave me one too.
On the way home I asked my SO if one of his parents was Christian and he assured me both were Jewish and that his mom is just really into Christmas.
I thought it was super strange but moved on with my life.
Scroll forward to present-day holiday season. My MIL had asked my husband for us to come over Christmas morning to open presents with our children (she was very excited because this would be her first Christmas with her grandchildren).
I however was very against this, our children are Jewish and we celebrate Hanukkah, I don’t want to confuse them by taking them over to my Jewish in-laws to celebrate and open Christmas presents. I told my husband to relay the message (I don’t really have a close relationship with my MIL anyway).
When he told her we were not coming my MIL told my husband I was a jerk and ruining Christmas and how dare I keep her grandchildren away. Now she is not speaking to us (not a bad thing IMO)
AITJ for not wanting to celebrate Christmas with my Jewish in-laws or are they just guilty of cultural appropriation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ we are having a similar conflict in my Muslim family. My sister’s in-laws like to have a tree and gifts and whatnot. But for my family of origin, that is a religious holiday and not one we observe. People can say it isn’t religious all they want, but I’m tired of Christian traditions being the default/normal (and don’t start with that “it’s pagan and not Christian” crap – we all know it is as dominant as it is today because it was championed by Christian faith).
So my sister puts up her tree, takes pics of her kid opening presents and the rest of us relax at home and put heart emojis on any pics they send us. We all do what we want, which is the most peaceful and respectful way to spend the day.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Well, NTJ. Look, guys. YOU may not attach certain views/values to Christmas. OP is within her rights to refuse this. Sure, the husband should not be prevented from going, but COME ON. Don’t use the gifts as an excuse… sure, kids won’t be traumatized but over-capitalization of holidays, heh?
I was baptized as a Catholic. I no longer participate in religious Christmas. But if my Jewish friends and/or family did not want to come, I WOULD RESPECT IT. Geesh.” SandrineSmiles
Also, trying to put this as politely as possible, some Jewish people are, or identify as, Jewish because of their ethnic/cultural heritage rather than their personal religious belief, which may be non-existent. Just like a lot of people who might have gone to a Christian church or even a Christian school in childhood have no interest in religion but celebrate some of the holidays because holidays are enjoyable.
17. AITJ For Refusing To Babysit My Sister's Child After Years Of Unpaid Childcare?
“So my (20f) sister (28f) had a child 2 years ago. And even before she gave birth she joked about me babysitting for her. I laughed and said not happening. As I’ve grown to dislike small babies and toddlers because of my past.
I have had to babysit since I was a child myself.
I babysat for my other sister unwillingly weekly from an early age. She had 2 kids and lived with us so I didn’t really have a choice.
I’ve had to stay at home so many times so my sister can go hang out with her partner while I babysit.
(Their father is not in the picture). And I’ve also helped relatives with their children. I was their go-to babysitter since I was 10. It started off as fun but it got more and more troublesome as I had a difficult time saying no. More and more responsibilities were handed to me.
It became annoying and I slowly started to dislike all kids, even though I used to enjoy it.
I started saying no, but they would say it’s an emergency, it’ll be just a few hours, and so on. I have never been paid for any of it.
The most I’ve gotten is my sister giving me her shirt, when I absolutely refused to watch her kids.
So now that my other sister had a child she expected me to babysit for her. Every time I speak with anyone from my family they try to convince me to do it.
They said she’s even willing to pay me. I find that insulting. She’s willing…
I do not wish to watch over someone else’s child anymore. I don’t want to change diapers and calm a crying baby. I’ve done all that.
I’ve sat hours calming an ill child while crying myself. I cannot even imagine having a child myself anymore. Watching over other people’s kids completely ruined it for me.
And now my sister is upset that I won’t babysit for her. I know she expected me to babysit as soon as she found out she was pregnant.
Am I the jerk for not babysitting for her? I know if I do it once it’ll never end.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Let your mother babysit, it’s nasty that she forced you to, or any relative who tells you to do it. I never babysat for my sister.
She didn’t expect it either. My parents did it a lot. She never babysat my kids either. I think it’s always stupid to expect someone to babysit. If one offers, that’s nice, but take care of your own kids.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s her kid, not yours.
You are nice to offer for emergencies. The entitlement others have to making people watch over their kids is so obnoxious. You have NO obligation to babysit, and ESPECIALLY not for free.” musicatnip
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Parents need to figure out childcare between themselves, it’s stupid of any one of them to make plans relying on somebody else for babysitting.
Especially if that somebody else hasn’t agreed to it and is clearly fed up with being taken advantage of. They have no right to your free labor just because your sisters have a poor understanding of what it means to be a parent. Stand your ground.
You lost part of your childhood, don’t sacrifice your young adult life too.” Summoning-Freaks
If you don't stand your ground now they will bully you or worse she's gonna turn up knock the door and your gonna find a kid there n her peeling away before you say no
16. AITJ For Wanting My Husband To Stop Overusing My Gaming PC?
“My husband has a poor-quality PC he received from his brother. I bought my $4500 setup with my taxes so I could play the games I love. My husband’s PC will run Rainbow 6 and For Honor, his two favorite games.
My PC is pretty advanced and I can run just about any game on Ultra.
Lately, my husband and his friends have been super interested in playing the new Halo and his PC will not support it. And he recently bought the new Oculus. I told him he could use my computer when he wants to play Halo or the Oculus but lately, he has completely taken it over.
He says I’m the jerk when I bring it up and that we’re married and we share everything now. We can afford to even finance him a new computer but he thinks he should just be allowed to use mine. He will even use it to play the games he has on his computer like R6 and For Honor… He just says they run worse on his..
When he’s done with my computer, he doesn’t even relog me into anything and change my mouse or seat settings back.
I want to play the games I love or browse the internet (to which he says my computer should only be used for demanding video games and if I’m just browsing the internet he should be able to play) but instead, I’m stuck watching reruns on the couch while he games with his friends.
Am I the jerk here? I just want to play on my computer and he makes me feel guilty and calls me selfish because we’re married.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My wife and I are both gamers, she has her own setup and I have mine + a beefy laptop for on-the-go things.
Even both kids have their own. On no occasion do we share, a computer is like a toothbrush in our opinions.” alex_c2616
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it is YOUR property. My partner and I are buying a house, we live together, doesn’t mean I can use his 2k+ PC to play my games.
He’s graciously let me use his PS4 to play the games I want to play so I don’t have to go without my coping mechanism, but it’s your PC before it’s his. Personally, I would change the password on him or remove his profile and only login for him when YOU give him permission to use it.” thesmolowl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If he can afford a new computer and can even buy the Halo game and Oculus, why won’t he just get a new one? You own it, you’re able to set boundaries for it. I assume you paid for it by yourself so why should he even have ownership?” DoubtAfraid
15. AITJ For Telling My Hygiene-Challenged Brother He Won't Find A Partner If He Doesn't Clean Up?
“My (16f) brother (19m) has TERRIBLE hygiene. He only showers when we tell him to and doesn’t like to change his clothes.
He will wear the same t-shirt and sweatpants for a week straight and will only change his outfit once his clothes start to stink or when we call him out on it. (Trust me, I wish I was making this up) truth be told he really isn’t a bad-looking guy, he’d be handsome if he cleaned himself up.
But whenever we bring this up to try and help him he gets mad and tells us to leave him alone.
His poor hygiene has been detrimental to his social life, he hasn’t had a partner in 3 years because he doesn’t think he needs to better himself.
Instead, he’ll go on rants about how women are the problem because we need to “lower our standards”. My brother doesn’t see a problem with this and last night things reached a boiling point that ended in an argument. I noticed something was wrong so I asked him what was on his mind.
He ended up going on a tangent about some girl that he likes who isn’t interested in him.
I asked him if he considered changing his style up or using a different body spray, small things like that to get her attention. But he got mad and said he wasn’t the problem.
Then followed it up by calling women “fake” and said that a real woman would love him unconditionally, regardless of how he looks. I agreed with him on that last part but tried explaining to him the importance of hygiene, he just got angry at me and said I don’t understand what I’m talking about so I snapped back out of anger and said that he won’t find a partner if he doesn’t start taking care of himself and that he could fix this if he tried.
After that we haven’t been speaking to each other. My parents said I should have handled it better instead of making him feel bad about himself, but that’s not what I was trying to do. I just wanted to help him so he’d stop blaming girls for something he has complete control over.
But maybe I was too harsh, that’s for you guys to decide.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your brother sure is, though: If it seems like everyone else in the world is the problem, it’s a pretty clear sign it’s you. He might have depression (I had issues with hygiene when really depressed) but if not, ask him how he’d feel if his SO smelled like he does or showered as often as he does.
He… doesn’t seem like the kind of person who feels like standards are a two-way street.” CatPhDs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but wow, if your parents don’t step in and try to help him, he’s headed toward becoming an incel. He needs to hear the hard truth and that’s what you told him.
But I think this is bigger than what you could help fix. He needs a father figure or something to wake him up.” Apprehensive_Art3339
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He can’t be bothered to take a shower but he expects a girl to want to cuddle his stinky self?
No thank you, basic hygiene is a minimum requirement.” photosbeersandteach
14. AITJ For Planning A Completely Vegan Wedding?
“My fiancé (28m) and I (29f) are getting married in March. My fiancé has been vegan for 8 years now and I am vegetarian but as my fiancé is the cook in our house I mostly eat vegan.
We want to have a completely vegan wedding, it makes no sense that on the day of his wedding, my fiancé wouldn’t be able to eat or drink half of the stuff there. We have planned it with a caterer and are really happy with our selections, honestly the dishes we have picked you wouldn’t even notice were vegan, like bruschetta for starters.
We are also doing a BBQ in the evening and intend to use beyond burgers as we both love them and think they have the most meat-like texture and taste.
Both of our parents and siblings are obviously fine with it, a couple are vegetarian themselves and they all eat veggie or vegan a couple of times a week.
We sent out invites and left a space asking for any dietary requirements, for things like nut allergies. However lots of people have put ‘meat’ or ‘meat eater’ in the space. We were talking to some relatives last week at a family get-together and when we confirmed we weren’t serving any animal products they started giving us grief for ‘forcing’ them to be vegan and that we were jerks for not accommodating to their diets.
It’s 2 meals out of their lives, we aren’t forcing anyone to change their diet and neither me nor my fiancé want to have food at our wedding that we don’t eat, we don’t want to have to think about checking the ingredients list, we just want to enjoy ourselves.
We are also paying for everything ourselves. So are we the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Nobody is ‘forcing’ them to eat a free meal that’s beyond ridiculous. I’m assuming these people have never eaten a piece of fruit, had a glass of water, or even had a bag of chips.
Maybe the devout meat eater can go out and hunt their dinner following the ceremony then skin it and cook it on the BBQ….” Mogwai_92
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. How sad is it that adults can’t go one or two meals without insisting on meat.
It’s almost not even about the meat, they are just being obstinate to try and prove a point. A dumb point. It’s your day, YOU are paying for everything including their meals, they can stay home and eat McDonald’s. If them eating vegetables for one meal is a bigger deal to them than celebrating someone close to them getting married, then they probably don’t need to be there.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don‘t get why some people are offended by having to eat vegan food. Your fries? Most of the time vegan. Your fruit salad? Also vegan. Your broccoli? Vegan. I don‘t get it. It‘s not as if they’re forced to eat fried stingray testicles (which I had to at a family gathering).
Apart from that – your wedding your call. If people can’t eat 2 meals without meat or dairy for your special day, they are not worth it.” Reddit User
13. AITJ For Wanting My Husband To Buy Me An Actual Engagement Ring?
“Some backstory: I 31f have been married to my husband 30m for 3 years. I have always been into jewellery, and I mean very into it. I’ve been purchasing jewellery for over a decade, I don’t spend my money on other things like clothes or hobbies, I love jewellery and I’m happy to save and buy things.
I even did a gemmology diploma for no other reason than I’m really interested in it.
So onto the matter. When my now husband and I were seeing each other we saved up our money to buy a house, by the time we bought we really didn’t have a lot of money left at all but we wanted to get engaged/married. I’d been thinking about the kind of engagement ring I wanted for years before I even met my husband so knew exactly what I wanted, and it would have cost about £5k.
Whilst it was affordable to him on his salary, as we had just purchased a house he had no savings left and didn’t want to take credit on it which was completely understandable.
As my jewellery collection was worth over £30k at the time we agreed to use one of the rings I already owned (that looks like an engagement ring) which I used to wear on my right hand, with the understanding that in a few years time when we had some more money that I would then get a ring I wanted.
Now several years on our financial position is much better than it used to be and my husband recently got a very nice bonus. We don’t have anything else that we need to pay for right now and aren’t saving up for anything so I said now would be a good time to finally get me my engagement ring.
My husband said I was being materialistic for wanting another ring when I already had one and that we could use the money for something else and I was a jerk for suggesting it.
So am I the jerk here for wanting a new engagement ring?
I don’t think I am as he never actually bought me one in the first place, he knows how important jewellery is to me and we most definitely can afford it!”
Another User Comments:
“You’re not upgrading your engagement ring though, you’re getting one… you used an existing ring that you already had.
It’s very low effort on his part in the first instance. We had little money but I still got a ring for my wife. She would like a nicer one now too, which is fine, eternity rings are a thing. NTJ.” Plugpin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband is being very unkind. You wore your own ring rather than have a ring from him on the proviso that you would receive a ring from him in the future. It’s completely reasonable to want the ring now that you’re more financially secure.
Personally, I’d stop wearing your ring and if people ask where the ring is I’d look them in the eye and cheerfully say “husband never gave me an engagement ring but I do hope he’ll think I’m worthy of one one day”.
It’s petty but husband seems like he needs a bit of a wake-up call. Even Homer Simpson gave Marge a burger ring. Your husband needs to do better.” Cat_got_ya_tongue
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If I’m understanding this correctly he never actually got you an engagement ring.
You both decided to use a proxy until you were more financially secure. Now that time is here and he’s dragging his feet on actually getting you one. So “upgrade” isn’t exactly the right term. Info: is there something he was looking to buy with this bonus?
It could explain why he’s suddenly so upset that you’re asking him to keep his word and get you an actual engagement ring.” literalgarbageyo
12. AITJ For Searching My Adult Son's Basement Room?
“My 19-year-old son lives in the basement and has the whole basement to himself. The basement has a bathroom but the bedroom and family room are huge open space, there is no lock to separate the two.
Since he graduated high school a year and a half ago he hasn’t applied for further school (he said he will go in the winter). He worked twice for about a month each and he has been jobless since that time. Besides those two short-term jobs he has never worked. He has completely stopped picking up after himself since he turned 18 (he was always messy but we have a rule that we pick up and wash our own dishes).
Any plates or food he uses he leaves out. He comes and goes odd hours, 2 am, 4 am is normal and sleeps all day.
The worst part has been that he has started using substances heavily. Earlier when he started he smoked outside the house. But when he brings it in the house the smell was so strong.
I found the substances sitting in the sitting area in the basement in a bag. But I would find a huge quantity, come to find out he was selling. This went on back and forth for a while. He continued to disrespect my rule and brought this large quantity of substances to my house.
I also have a 14-year-old and a 3-year-old. I didn’t want them exposed or finding the stuff. He finally stopped selling but continues to use heavily. Again, my rule is don’t use in the house and not to leave his stuff all over the basement.
He continues to do so. During his selling time, I found a gun along the stash he has in his house.
The 19-year-old and 14-year-old share a PS4 and the 19-year-old took it to the basement without anyone’s consent. So 14-year-old plays in the basement when he is done with his schoolwork and when I give him permission.
I’ve taken to searching the basement regularly for the safety of my younger kids. 19 year old and my friend think I can’t search his room since he is too old.
AITJ for searching his room?”
Another User Comments:
“Why don’t you take the PS4 back?
Put some consequences on your son for not cleaning up, or for having substances in the house? I’m not sure I understand why he seemingly gets to do what he likes and you’re resorting to rifling his room? Everyone sucks here. Your son is obviously for everything he’s doing and not doing, but you for seemingly just letting it all slide.
It seems clear you don’t want to kick him out or you would have already, because he obviously deserves it. But you need to take some major action beyond searching his room for substances. Tbh I think you need to get some help to figure out how to stop this and get your son straightened out, or bite the bullet and kick him out.” elsehwere
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for letting him deal substances in your home with two minors. Good grief, lay down some boundaries. I’m not saying look through his room. Instead lay down rules (clean up after yourself, no substances at all inside or around siblings or at all if you’re not ok with that, get a job, etc) and then have consequences that you’ll follow through on – like eviction.
He is an adult. Stop treating him like a child and make him live up to his obligations. He doesn’t want to go back to school? Fine, but he needs to work. You’re letting him live rent-free, bills-free, and on top of all that you’re enabling him to deal substances from your house?
And use inside when you’re not okay with it? Exactly whose house is this – yours or his? You have other children you need to be responsible for and keep them safe. Who’s to say a deal won’t go wrong and someone will get hurt?” salukiqueen
11. AITJ For Ignoring My Partner's Objections And Naming Our Baby Jack?
“My (18) and partner (19) and I have been together for a year and are 6 months pregnant. We are both stubborn and headstrong and when something gets into our heads it’s very difficult to change our minds and he is also very quick to anger which as you can imagine can lead to arguments.
When he found out I was pregnant he told me it was either him or the baby and I chose to keep my baby even if it meant losing him. He stayed with me anyway but hasn’t gone to any midwife appointments and missed one of the scans because he didn’t want to go out for lunch with me and my mum after, even though he and my mum have had no past issues and he has actually said he is grateful for all my mum has done for us.
He also occasionally makes comments about how he has no choice but to be with me and that I’m trapping him by having our baby, even though I have and still am giving him the option to leave. He has also made accusations the baby isn’t his even though he knows for a fact I have never been unfaithful to him and never would.
As far back as I remember I have always wanted to name my first boy Jack after my mum whose name is Jacqueline/Jacqui, who has been an amazing mother and almost died giving birth to me, resulting in her not being able to have any more kids.
And last month we found out we are having a boy and my partner has said anything but Jack, even though he knows how much the name means to me. He has given no reason other than it’s a popular name and hasn’t given any other suggestions.
He won’t even have a conversation about baby names.
The baby will have his surname and the middle name will be named after his father which I think is fair. Also considering I’m carrying him for 9 months, giving birth to him, being his primary caretaker, and after being threatened with being left due to the pregnancy, AITJ for ignoring his objections and naming my baby Jack anyway?”
Another User Comments:
“Jack is a lovely name with a beautiful meaning behind it. I do have to ask though and please don’t take this the wrong way. Why are you still with your partner? He clearly doesn’t want to be with you. It sounds like he’s waiting for you to dump him so he can make you out to be the bad person.
He’s showing lots of red flags to me. Congratulations on baby Jack and good luck for the future. NTJ.” MrsCakeakaJane
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but PLEASE give that sweet baby your surname. As the primary caretaker, it makes paperwork for medical and educational purposes so much easier.
In all likelihood, the father will not step up, especially when he already views the child as a burden, it won’t get better with sleepless nights. If things do end up working out and you get married, you can always change both of your names.
I think you’ll regret it if you give the baby his last name. Jack is a beautiful name.” LadybugMama78
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He is definitely looking for any excuse to leave apart from actually leaving. He is purposefully making your life difficult already. It’s only going to get worse when the baby comes.
You need to break up with him. Let him choose if he wants a relationship with your baby, visitation, or joint custody. Whatever works for you two. In regards to the name. Why is he getting your partner’s last name? And his dad’s name? He’s making no effort with this baby that you clearly already care about.
Give him your last name! Let him pick the middle name but let your baby be called Jack. It’s a really cute name. If he really wants another name he can start a discussion like an adult. Till then it’s Jack because you’ve thought about it.” Mental_Village519
10. AITJ For Giving My Wife An Ultimatum To Start Working?
“I am 35M, wife 34F.
We have 2 kids. I am the main breadwinner of the family. I make good money but since we are in a very high cost of living area we live in a small townhouse. Now that we have 2 kids I feel she should also work to help us save more money for a bigger house.
She hasn’t worked a day since our marriage (7 years). We got pregnant right after we got married & she says it’s my fault that she became a mom so early and now feels that I am responsible for her not getting a job.
To be fair to her, I was very excited to be a dad.
She started going back to College but then we got pregnant with the 2nd one. A situation started and she dropped all her courses and doesn’t want to go back to studying or working. She just loves to spend her time with the kids. She is an amazing mom to our kids.
She insists that her staying at home saves a lot of money for daycare. Again can’t disagree with her as the cost of child care is super high.
Over the course of our marriage, we have saved up some good money & also bought a small house, which wouldn’t be possible without her.
But I feel her staying at home isn’t helping her either. She feels it’s okay for her to stay since she takes care of the home and the kids. I also help out by cooking twice a week, cleaning (occasionally), and teaching the kids. She is a traditional woman and I respect that.
But if we want to give kids a separate bedroom each and a yard, occasional vacations, and extra classes like swimming, sports I feel her working is necessary. I can buy a bigger house of my own accord, but I don’t want to be house-poor and not have any savings for the future.
Also, I keep telling her that the world has become very unpredictable these days – having 2 people working eases the mind also.
I recently gave her an ultimatum that she has to find work or it’s going to be a problem. I feel like we have hit rock bottom after that.
She says she is okay living in a small house. I feel like she is just saying this because she doesn’t want to work. I also bought her a car even though she hardly drives. She expects me to drive her everywhere. She feels like that’s a man’s duty.
I am happy to do that for long-distance stuff but even for short distances she doesn’t like to drive. I take her and the kids out every weekend, take them on nice vacations at least twice a year. We can afford all this because she doesn’t spend otherwise, and we only buy stuff during Thanksgiving or deals.
But I am at a point where I want to go to the next level – like buy a big house and have a big closet & have more shower space. She is not a name brand type person, but more like nice vacations & nice restaurants kind of person.
I am also like that and that is why we have loved being married so far. But I feel now that we have 2 kids, we have to step it up and provide a bigger house, give them the best while also enjoying some luxury ourselves.
Overall I want her to be a bit more independent. Am I the jerk for giving her an ultimatum to find work?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, yet. But you realize that if your wife goes back to work, you’re going to have to step up a LOT when it comes to looking after your children and cleaning your house, right?
This is going to put a lot more work squarely on you. If you’re not willing to take on a fair 50% of the work at home, back away from forcing your wife to get a job or you’ll become the jerk for sure. Keep in mind that she’s already working – your kids are young and still require quite a bit of looking after, not to mention cleaning up after.
Women who have a job and do most of the housework are less happy and die younger. They’re also more likely to get a divorce.” Rowanever
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your wife is expected to get a full-time job, as well as take care of the home and kids?… Stop being selfish before you ruin your marriage.
Are you willing to sacrifice your marriage and children’s upbringing, just to enjoy the finer things in life? It doesn’t make sense for your life at the moment. Maybe later on when the children are older and can take care of themselves better.
Don’t get lost trying to keep up with the Joneses. You might just lose your partner and children.” Netaquesinina
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Despite her wanting you to drive everywhere which I think is silly, sounds like she likes the life she has. Why should she have to work because YOU want more?
Besides, her working would not bring that much more money since you’d have to pay for daycare, so would it be that worth it for her to work, hardly see her kid during the week or even on weekends so that you can fulfill your dreams of having a bigger house and luxury vacations?” Primary-Criticism929
9. AITJ For Yelling At My Nanny For Letting My Sister Mess Up My Room And Scare My Cat?
“Before you guys call me spoiled or something, I’ll explain.
My parents are never home, and are always busy so they hired people to look after us.
A cook, a maid, a nanny, and a driver. The nanny “Maya” looks after my two-year-old sister.
I recently got a pet cat who I take care of myself and specifically asked everyone in the house to make sure my little sister does not go into my bedroom herself, because I don’t want her to make a mess (the cat likes staying in my room).
I was at my grandma’s house and when I came back, I wanted to play with my cat with his favorite toy, which would be like a laser.
It wasn’t on my table (I still can’t find it), and there were pieces of potato chips everywhere on the floor.
There were toys thrown around and my cat was under the couch and he looked terrified. My maid listened and didn’t walk into my room to clean all this up (she’s only allowed in while I’m home because of my cat, he gets scared.)
Kinda knew what happened and I lost my temper.
I walked up to Maya and said “Why did you let her into my room? You’re her nanny! You’re supposed to LOOK AFTER HER!” and I was so upset I started crying.
I tried calming my cat down, and he did, and I asked her where the laser was, she didn’t know, and to go clean my room and proceeded to say “You are getting paid to look after that child, not to just sit around and DO NOTHING!” She told me my sister would have cried and I said “She’s a child.
She has the attention span of a goldfish! Distract her!’
My older brother heard me crying and yelling and basically told me to calm down and yelled at me for yelling at Maya and told me the cat was my responsibility so I shouldn’t blame her, and now I just want to know if I’m the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“”My”? You don’t have a maid. Or a nanny. Or a cook. Or a driver. These are your parents’ employees, not yours. And even then your parents have no right to treat their employees like crap either. YTJ.” YouCleanItUp
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here: but you’re definitely the jerk. She was in charge of the younger child and should not have let her go into your room to make a mess and scare the cat. Talking with her and/or with your parents about this situation would have been the correct action.
Explaining what happened, what was asked and not followed, and that you would like your room to remain your private space for you and your cat… is all reasonable. You being angry and frustrated at the situation is completely normal. Emotions are a normal human thing to have.
But, it’s how we react to the emotions that is important. You are 100% responsible for how you act out your emotions. You did so very poorly here by yelling, belittling, and cursing. If you want your wishes to be respected, you need to be respectful.
All you showed her is that you’re an emotionally out-of-control spoiled screamer.” AbbyBirb
8. AITJ For Giving My Rebellious Daughter 50 Days To Move Out?
“Our daughter is a handful. First, she has no medical issues, no learning disabilities, no developmental disabilities, or anything.
She is in perfect health. My partner and I are both college-educated professionals working full-time, we have lived in this same house for 10 years. She has never known food insecurity, housing insecurity, and my partner and I still very much are in love, never fight, and only rarely disagree.
Her home life is as stable as we can provide.
About our daughter: she lies about everything (whether she ate breakfast, why she was absent again, why our work computer has a game installed on it, where she was last night at 1 a.m.), ran away several times in her early teens, got straight Fs in middle school, about half Fs in high school, and refuses to get a job.
She sneaks into our room when we’re gone and tries to crack into the safe, digs through our closet, dresser, and chest, and takes pictures of it, and texts them to us.
This year is her senior year in HS, and she is skipping class every day.
She already repeated middle school classes as summer school, but with more flunked classes every year in HS, she’ll need more summer school to graduate. If she flunks any classes this year, she’ll have to return as a 5th-year senior. She refuses to get a job, and when we ask her she always tells us something like, “I asked, but they said I have to do it online.” When we follow up, she says, “No, I haven’t done it yet.”
So, we’ve had it. We told her today that she has 50 days to get a job, save up for her first month’s rent, and move out. I took her shopping and bought her a set of dishes and utensils, and told her that we’d continue to set her up to be on her own, pots and pans, cooking utensils, washcloths and towels, trash can, things like that.
She doesn’t have a car, doesn’t have a license (insurance wanted a ridiculous premium to add her, I told her we’d add her when she gets her grades up, but she never has), but rides public transit everywhere. We figure 50 days is enough to get financially prepared, but not enough for her to do her normal thing of chatting on social media at all hours of the day and night.
Also, I told her that I’ll match however much she saves up before she moves out, dollar for dollar. If she saves up $1000, I’ll give her $1000 cash the day she moves out. If she saves up nothing, life will be rough.
So, am I the jerk for kicking her out?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You have to know that she will not have enough money to move out in 50 days. My employed adult children (all two-income homes) can barely make it given the current rent and grocery prices. It is pretty obvious that there is something else going on.
Have you gotten her therapy? Mental health evaluations? Considered alternative methods of schooling? Your child has been struggling for 6 or 7 years at this point and it doesn’t seem like you have put any effort into finding out why. BTW, 50 days is 3 minimum wage paychecks at most. so $600 tops if she doesn’t spend a cent.” sheramom4
Another User Comments:
“Sounds like something traumatic happened to her that nobody knows about tbh and I could be wrong about that but, YTJ. Get to the root of the problem. Don’t give up. Clearly she’s given up on herself. Find out why.
And quick. Find out why she can’t communicate properly with you, why she’s acting out for attention, why she doesn’t believe in herself at school. She’s still a child. Help her get it together. Her failures are yours too. I grew up in an affluent area where everybody seemed to have it all but man, those were some of the most messed up kids I’ve ever seen in my life.
And it turns out some pretty messed up things happened to a lot of my peers that led them down the wrong path. Everything is not always as it seems.” Banksbear
Another User Comments:
“Straight Fs is so very unusual. Especially if this was in sharp contrast to elementary school.
It really sounds like there’s more going on here. Learning disabilities are often well hidden, especially with pressured children – the old “if I’m going to fail, why try” thought pattern. Substance use, bipolar, trauma, and a few other things can manifest behaviors like this too, and therapy won’t help if the patient is not invested in it so they may not be easily revealed. Even if you cannot keep your daughter in your home for your safety, please try to keep communication open and continue to offer resources such as therapy.
If you haven’t already, reaching out to local foster care resources such as independent living programs and foster parent training may help you with resources and training that often addresses similar behaviors.” Endless_Initials
7. AITJ For Refusing To Sell Our Dog Despite My Husband's Disapproval?
“My husband and I got a dog in October 2020. We had been talking about getting a dog for a while; I in particular had grown up around animals and missed them. Husband (then 22) wanted a Goldendoodle and I acquiesced on the breed. We drove 6 hours to a small town in Pennsylvania to pick him up.
At the time, my husband had been struggling with depression & anxiety for a while and often tried to back out of things at the last minute, even stuff as simple as going out for dinner, and then ended up being glad he didn’t after the fact.
On the way to PA, he was getting anxious about having a dog–“It’s a bad idea,” “I don’t want a dog,” etc–and at the time I brushed him off as having last-minute jitters. He had been as excited as I was for weeks leading up to this, involved in helping pick out a puppy, etc, and talking about how fun it would be to have a dog.
In hindsight, he should’ve been clearer and I should’ve paid more attention. I don’t know. He says I was just being childish and willfully ignoring other people. I’m autistic and sometimes I struggle with cues that are obvious in hindsight. I don’t know how much of a role that played but I don’t want to make excuses for myself, and he’s sort of in denial about my diagnosis anyway.
Point is, when we got home with the dog (let’s call him H) that evening, he begged me to take H back or sell him. I was upset that we’d gone through a pretty big road trip to get him and asked if he’d be willing to keep the puppy if I took on all responsibility for feeding, walking, bathing, etc H.
I thought my husband could get all the benefits with none of the stress. He agreed.
In November we had to move in with his mother. We had discussed living with her for a month or two when our lease was up, but not long-term.
We ended up staying and still live with her. She lives in a two-bedroom apartment in Queens but one of the bedrooms is her workspace and we all sleep in the other, larger bedroom.
Personally I think most of the problems are due to living situation; she & my husband argue a LOT, about pretty much everything.
If we can find an apartment and move then we’ll be able to fix most of this. However, my husband is convinced otherwise and has said he will refuse to live with me as long as I have H. I’ve tried to convince myself to sell H several times but whenever it comes right down to it I just…
can’t bring myself to do it. I got attached to him really quickly; I don’t have any family and few friends, and it’s kind of sad but H is my best friend. I hate that my husband wants me to choose even though I understand it’s been really difficult for him to have the dog around.
Husband has called me selfish and spoiled and childish for refusing to sell the dog/generally being lazy around the apartment. I honestly think if we live together without his mom we can work it out–we were fine before we moved in here–but he seems pretty serious about not being willing to cohabitate with me and H.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You and your husband share a bedroom with his mother?? Yeah, if it’s realistic to fix the living situation before making a permanent decision about the dog, do that. Does the dog make it difficult to find/afford your own place?
NTJ.” Keg-Of-Glory
Another User Comments:
“If my partner of five years asked me to get rid of my dogs, I would kick him out. I recommend you find a place to live that’s affordable for you and your dog. You can register him as an ESA animal for your autism and that way you’re exempt from pet rent.
This dog loves you and wouldn’t be happy without you, your husband sounds like a jerk and dismissive. Also sounds like he’s trying to be your only source of happiness, please remove them both and find a safe place for you and your doggy.” theonlyzombiemami
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. However, you don’t seem to be seeing your husband’s behavior clearly. He is emotionally abusing you. His habit of agreeing to things you want only to back out is designed to make you not enjoy your life. You are giving in to him too much.
If you want to stay in this marriage (and I don’t understand why you would) you should lay down the law on several things, he must get help for his mental health issues, you two must move out of his mother’s place, he must immediately stop asking you to rehome your dog.
If you do rehome your dog, it will embolden your husband to increase his demands that you give up everything you wish for in life.” maccrogenoff
6. AITJ For Being Upset At My Fiancé's Sister For Wearing My New Outfits Without Permission?
“I (24F) have been engaged to my fiancé (27M) for 6 months. His family: mother and sister (24F), “Kate”, have been extremely welcoming to me and the feeling is mutual.
I frequently visit my fiancé’s home where he lives with his mother and sister. Kate and I get on well together. Enough so that I feel comfortable sharing my clothes with her. Point to be noted, it has always been me lending my clothes to her and never the other way around, though that has never been an issue.
I had bought two new outfits to wear to upcoming events; I’m Indian and these were heavy traditional Indian wear. Due to some circumstances, I had to leave them at my fiancé’s home. They were to be picked up by me in a week’s time.
Every evening, my babe and I video call each other and he’s usually sitting in the family room. While I was on call with him, I saw the main door open and in walks Kate wearing one of my new outfits. I was surprised. She saw me on the video call and her expression was priceless – caught red-handed. Even then, she did not apologize for what she did.
I didn’t make a big issue out of it then, because I thought it’s a one-time curiosity-driven thing.
Then, a few days later, she sent me pictures of a few new outfits she had bought for herself, and she was also partially in the pictures – wearing my other new outfit.
I became quite irritated then that she had the nerve to wear both of them, without my permission. And I’m pretty sure if I hadn’t caught her in the video call as well the pics, she never would have told me what she did.
Then I texted her that I felt uncomfortable that she was wearing my new outfits and to hand over both the outfits to her brother, and I left it at that.
She made her excuses but I was pretty irritated with her by then, so I didn’t respond.
I then asked my babe if he could get them dry-cleaned before I came to pick them up (I was actually out of state and by the time I returned, there would have been no time for dry-cleaning as the first event was on the evening of my return) and naturally, he asked me why.
I told him what happened (he knew about the first outfit as he saw it himself) and he then went and asked his sister about it. She lied to him and said that she had only worn the one he had seen her wear, and the other one, she was just “trying it on”.
My babe told me what she said but I clarified the situation and even forwarded him the pics proving so, and that’s when he got a little irritated with her.
Later on, my to-be MIL called me and asked me what happened, so I told her.
But I also said that it had been taken care of and not to pursue the matter any further. She had no idea that Kate had gone into her closet and taken the outfits.
After returning and going to their home to pick up the dresses, I was treated coldly by Kate and told that her brother and mother had berated her, because of me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They didn’t berate her ~because of you~. They berated her because she snuck into someone’s closet, helped herself to things that weren’t hers, and then lied about it. Aka, the consequences of her own dumb actions. I’d see if you can take her aside and smooth things over, but ask her why she didn’t just ask you.
Make a point to mention that haven’t you been fairly willing to lend her clothes before? Bring up the fact that you asked your partner to go to the dry cleaners – why would you ask this person to get the clothes dry cleaned when she’s literally lying?” finehamsabound
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If these are party-quality Indian outfits, they are very expensive, and you can’t count on cleaners in the West knowing how to care for them properly. Your sister-in-law has potentially cost you a great deal of money if these garments are damaged. However, if you routinely let her borrow clothes without asking, then she didn’t have a reason to know that these were (properly) off-limits if you didn’t tell her.
You probably need to be more careful about being clear about what can and cannot be borrowed. In the future, put a label on your good Indian clothes and anything else that shouldn’t be borrowed, saying “Please don’t borrow.” Don’t rely on anyone just remembering.” Jazzlike_Humor3340
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your fiancé doesn’t think you’re the jerk. Not only that, even this girl’s mother doesn’t think you’re the jerk. Your SIL-to-be is annoyed because she knows she hasn’t got a leg to stand on here, and not only crossed a line but got caught lying about it.
Be civil and let her pout for a while.” FjortoftsAirplane
5. AITJ For Telling My Best Friend He Spent Too Much On An Engagement Ring?
“My best friend from high school Jake (24/M) and I hung out at my place to play video games and drink. We’ve been doing this almost every week. We’ve always been pretty tight. This week, he talked to me about proposing to his partner Brooke (22/F).
From my perspective, I think he’s rushing into it because they’ve only really been together for about a little over a year and I don’t think either of them is really ready for it. When they first started hanging out I told him jokingly he’s never gonna do better (and she is very gorgeous), but I think he believes that to an unhealthy degree.
But, I didn’t give my opinion. I just told him to do it when it feels right and I’d support him.
I did not expect him to actually have the ring already. He showed it off and it had a big diamond right in the middle with some Latin phrase engraved inside (he’s a giant nerd; I am too, but I don’t know Latin or what it said).
Immediately I said “Dude, how much did that cost?” He said about $10,000!!! (USD, in case that’s important to this). I asked him if he was insane. He said he really wants to secure her and that he’s worried about her not thinking he’s taking the relationship seriously.
I said but why $10K? That could go to so many other things and so much of his earnings shouldn’t just be thrown away like this. He said he didn’t feel like he spent enough! He said you’re supposed to put a THIRD OF YOUR SALARY into it.
I have never heard of this. I grew up pretty poor so the idea of even spending $1,000 on a ring is a lot. My mom raised me on her own. I’ve never even been to a wedding. That’s not even rent nowadays. I didn’t even own a video game console until three years ago when I finally got a salary job.
I asked him what if it doesn’t work out? Like don’t you want to know it’s a sure thing before you throw that much money away?
He got annoyed and said he’s not throwing his money away. He felt like she can easily do better.
And because of traditions, this was the minimum he could do to show commitment.
I said “Dude, it’s fine if it doesn’t work out, but it’s not going to be fine being out of money because of this.”
He didn’t say anything more about it.
He looked dejected, but I shut up because I felt like I would only make him feel worse and I wasn’t understanding something. We finished up our game and he called an Uber and went home.
I just feel like spending that much on a ring is silly and egregious.
Like I want him to be happy with her, but that’s way too much money. I know he says it’s tradition, but it feels like he’s overcompensating because he thinks she’s out of his league. Perhaps I’m projecting that too.
We’re still talking, but it feels surface right now.
I don’t know. AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“Is it a lot of money? Yes, it is. Did you have the right to tell him that was maybe a bit much? Sure. Did you have to tell him that was stupid, that you didn’t believe his relationship was going to last?
No. YTJ. He’s an adult. He can make his own decisions. He knows now that you don’t think much of him. And don’t expect he’ll ask you to be the best man…” Primary-Criticism929
Another User Comments:
“YEAH, YTJ. Holy poop. Your friend is excited to have found someone and wants to show her she’s important to him.
Maybe his love language is gift-giving, I don’t know. Is it a lot of money? Yeah! But you LITERALLY COMPARED LOSING HIS PARTNER TO LOSING TEN GRAND and then told him he should choose the money. You told him, in fewer words, that the money was more important.
You told him that you don’t think his partner is worth it. When and if you get married, you’ll get to decide how much money you want to spend on your partner, but this was not your place.” anon-y-mousey
4. AITJ For Not Letting My Nephew Pee Immediately When He Asked?
“Background: Husband’s brother and his wife are amazing people and I love them, but they have a blind spot and it is their son (12M). They like to make life easy for him and give him things, which has led to him turning into kind of a brat who expects instant gratification, becomes very dramatic (to the point of tears) when he doesn’t get what he wants, and brags about all of his stuff and travel experiences to our kids.
MIL, husband, and I all smile and bite our tongues and have never criticized their parenting style.
Situation: BIL and SIL were visiting with their kid. We live about 40 miles from a major city where we have a favorite restaurant where we like to eat whenever they come visit.
We took two vehicles as we couldn’t all fit into one, and nephew rode home with us. We planned to stop for ice cream on the way home. About ten minutes out from the ice cream place, and thirty minutes after we left the restaurant, nephew says that he has to pee.
I assure him that it’s just ten more minutes and we will be there very soon. He whines and makes impatient kid waiting noises (parents, you know the noises of which I speak) the whole rest of the way. Ten minutes later, we’re at the ice cream place.
He jumps out and proceeds to whip it out and is about to pee on the front wheel of the car next to us in the parking lot! I do the quiet parent public yelling thing and tell him to get his butt inside and use the bathroom.
He ran off and, I assumed, did just that.
Later that evening, a VERY angry BIL confronted me (quietly and in private, btw) about not stopping to let nephew go pee immediately after he told me that he had to go, and told me that nephew had wet himself in the vehicle from having to wait so long!
I countered that every child I’ve ever had tell me that they had to pee, especially an older child like nephew, could wait ten minutes to go, and that the seat in the vehicle was dry, as were nephew’s pants when he exited the vehicle.
BIL told me that I owed nephew an apology for embarrassing him like that. Since I value my relationship with BIL and SIL, I did talk to nephew and convey my regret that the situation had unfolded as it did, but this is still bothering me.
What say you?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Pure conjecture, but my guess is that he didn’t pee his pants but anticipated you might tell his parents about the peeing in the parking lot incident–so he concocted this story to preempt you and gain their sympathy.
At 12, he’s edging past the point where his spoiled nature is annoying but harmless. BIL and SIL will have to reckon with the monster they’ve made over the coming years and it won’t be pretty.” JeepersCreepers74
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The kid made up a lie in order to preempt you telling them about him wanting to pee outside.
I will say that kids of a certain age think they need a large pop or will drink up the unlimited refills at a restaurant, and then are surprised that all that liquid has to go somewhere. I still feel bad about the time I caused my 8yo to wet himself in the car.
We were driving up to my inlaws’ at Christmastime. We stopped for snacks and 8yo got a largish Gatorade. Within the hour, the traffic is crawling up the Interstate through a snowstorm. I could not safely pull over, and by the time I got to an exit it was too late.
We got a hotel room and finished the trip in the morning.” 1962Michael
Another User Comments:
“Oh man I thought BIL was gonna have an issue with you scolding his child that’s really where I thought this was gonna go. I am not pleasantly surprised. I don’t think you’re a jerk but I do think though that there’s a better way to deal with this and I’m certainly willing to give the benefit of the doubt that you did (and do) and just didn’t convey it right.
But imma say it anyway cuz someone always needs to hear it: If a kid says they need to use the bathroom or anybody for that matter don’t “assure them” they can wait cuz really you don’t know. It’s not your bladder, you don’t know how long he’s actually been waiting and it really may have been an immediate problem.
Instead ask “can you wait 10 more minutes?” Almost always a kid will say yes they can, if they can’t then so be it just stop it’s not worth the hassle. I say this for two reasons. 1) their body, they shouldn’t have to justify when they need a bathroom, I wouldn’t like that and I doubt you would either.
And 2) At that point it’s in the kid’s hands and they made a choice, you’re less likely to have a whiny child accuse you of making him wet himself to his parents and if he does you at least have a defense “I asked and he said he could wait”.
And that’s my soap box. Your BIL is a jerk and not doing his spoiled child any favors. But you’re NTJ.” FoxUniCarKilo
3. AITJ For Not Wanting Anyone To Walk Me Down The Aisle?
“I (24F) am the youngest of three siblings, Sister (27F) and Brother (38M) we’re going to call them Emily and Eric. Around a year ago our father passed away from lung cancer and our family was devastated. Growing up I already knew he had bad health, on top of him being a long-time smoker.
I wasn’t super close to my dad but I still loved him. He lived long enough to walk my sister down the aisle, oxygen tank by his side and everything before he passed. My dad was able to watch all of his kids get married except for me.
That was a heartbreaking realization I had to come to.
I got engaged to my partner of 5 years 2 months ago and we and the rest of our family are excited for our wedding next year. I have always planned to walk down the aisle by myself, I just didn’t agree with being “handed off” like that.
I love my dad, and I’m sure it was important for him to want to do that, but I just don’t like the symbolism of it.
Two days ago I invited my siblings over just to hang out and casually talk about wedding plans.
Emily mentioned that it must be incredibly hard to not have Dad walk me down the aisle, and asked if I was going to have anybody fill that role. I explained “Oh, I never really planned to have Dad, or anybody walk me down the aisle, even if he was alive.
But it’s going to be upsetting knowing he’s not there to watch me get married.” Emily and Eric looked shocked.
This turned into a very emotional argument. They accused me of hating our dad and that walking his youngest daughter down the aisle would’ve meant the world to him, especially since he knew he didn’t have much time.
I tried explaining that the symbolism behind it seemed like I had to get permission to married, not that I made that choice myself. They ended up leaving early.
I think I’m the jerk because maybe I didn’t realize how much it meant to my dad, but it’s my wedding and I don’t want to be handed off like a piece of property.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I think their anger is displaced. You didn’t have that conversation with your dad, so you wouldn’t know how much it meant to him. Your wedding is your day, so go and get married with the traditions you feel comfortable and happy with.
If your siblings come, great, if not, that’s okay too.” Unusual_academic
Another User Comments:
“Weddings are so full of traditions and ceremony. If any of those things don’t work for you you don’t do that particular bit. To your brother and sister it seems really important because they would never have considered not having dad walk them down the aisle.
They are just trying to wrap their heads around you not wanting it. No jerks here.” Jemma_2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not saying that your father couldn’t be involved in the wedding, just that you didn’t want to be handed off. There could still have been a father-daughter dance and similar stuff.
Ultimately it’s your wedding. You get to make the decisions. Possibly if your father was still alive you would have felt differently, but also maybe not, and that’s 100% fine. You had the right to express your thoughts when they asked. In my mind they’re overreacting because your father is no longer with you and thus unable to be hurt by your decision.” TinyRascalSaurus
2. AITJ For Leaving My Mom's House Early After Being Excluded From Family Photos?
“My (16M) mom and I don’t have a good relationship. They had a bad divorce after my mom left my dad for some guy when I was 7 and I only saw her once every 6 months because she got married and then busy with her new family.
Since last year she wanted us to start talking more and seeing each other. And finally met my two half brothers who are 6 and 4. Then her 2 other stepkids around the same age as me. I’m only with her on weekends and the last one they were doing Christmas photos they send to the family.
And I mean her husband’s family and also my mom’s. So like my grandparents, my aunts, cousins, etc.
They had a photographer actually come. Everyone was dressed for it except me and she told me it just wouldn’t make sense if I’m in it since the pics are also going to her husband’s family’s side.
But then I argued well our family’s side is getting pics of his kids so why does it matter? Like she said she wanted me to be part of their family when I started staying over since last year but now they don’t want me included in their family photo.
My mom told me it’s not a big deal and I just went upstairs while they did the thing.
I don’t know why but it just made me really mad but also sad. I didn’t want to stay there the weekend so my dad came after sending him a text.
My mom argued with him outside because it was only Friday. And I told her I didn’t want to stay there if she didn’t want to include me in their family and I’d rather go be with my dad. My mom is still mad about it.
She says she didn’t mean to treat me that way but how I behaved after cutting our time was mean and that hurt her feelings.
And I’m the jerk for reacting that way basically. For me it still hurt so maybe that’s why I don’t see if I was wrong or not for cutting off our weekend short.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your mom certainly is. I don’t blame you if you never want to go back, she’s made it pretty clear who she thinks of as her family.” sazz66
Another User Comments:
“Aw, man. That would hurt my feelings something fierce.
I am so sorry you had to go through that. It sounds like your mom still is not certain what kind of relationship she really wants with you. I know that sounds awful, right? It is difficult in the extreme because you want a mom-child relationship and you did not get that.
You probably will not get that with her now. Still, it sounds like she says what she thinks she should say and then does not know how to go through with it. Maybe her heart is not done figuring it out. You are NTJ. She is behaving less maturely than you are, OP.
And you should not have to be more mature than your parent. You are a good person and worth knowing. She may see that someday. If you can, please find a professional to talk to about your feelings. They are very well trained in helping people deal with them.
(personal experience here!) Good luck, hon.” MonkeyMagic1968
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she has the right to not want you in her photos, then I guess you have the right to not want to be in her house. She treated you like a 2nd class family member.
So it shouldn’t surprise her that you‘d rather spend time with the parent who treats you like a valued family member. P.S. I’m sorry about your jerk mom. She sounds like a selfish jerk. I’m glad you have your dad.
He sounds like a good man – driving to pick you up when you needed him without any hesitation, and then standing up for you when he got there. Tell him how much you appreciate him.” Miss_Adventurer
1. AITJ For Disciplining My Partner's Younger Sister While Babysitting Her?
“My (23F) partner ‘Dan’ (23M) and his sister ‘Beth’ (22F) have custody of their younger siblings.
I watched the youngest kid ‘Emma’ (11F) by myself for like the 3rd time ever yesterday. I’ve been seeing Dan for over a year and spent quite a lot of time at their house, but I’ve never been involved in the parenting.
Some info: Beth is kind of ‘the default parent’. She is pretty strict and is known to be ‘the boss’ of the entire house. Dan can be strict about some stuff, but he is generally a little more laid back.
Anyway, Beth went away for a long weekend, and yesterday Dan was taking the kids out to run some errands.
When he was getting ready to leave, Emma said she wanted to stay home. I had nowhere to be, so Dan asked if I minded watching her for a few hours. We did some baking and then she started showing me some tricks on her scooter in the driveway.
After a lot of near misses followed by warnings from me about minding the cars, she rode straight into Beth’s car and dented it. The damage is pretty small, but noticeable. Emma seemed unphased and was pretty mad with me when I told her she wasn’t playing on the scooter anymore and I was putting it aside.
I took the scooter off her and had her come inside, but she pitched a fit and said I can’t do that, it wasn’t fair, Beth wouldn’t care (she will), etc.
She is known for having ‘big feelings’ and was getting worked up.
I tried to calm her down but she was just flipping out, so I told her she needed to go and calm down in her bedroom for a while. I’ve seen Beth put her in her room several times within the last few months, so it was nothing new for her.
I went up a few times in the space of around an hour to see how she was doing. The last time I went in she was completely calm. I decided not to bring up the incident with her because I knew Dan would be home soon and I thought he might want to deal with it.
Once he came home and I filled him in, Dan was not very happy about it and told me he wasn’t comfortable with me disciplining her and that I should have phoned him so he could have spoken to her himself. I see his POV, but I don’t think I did anything major in terms of ‘disciplining’.
The conversation never properly ended because of interruptions, but he didn’t want to talk about it when I brought it up again later. He said we clearly can’t agree but he thinks that if he doesn’t want me disciplining her, then that’s the end of it and I shouldn’t be arguing with him over it.
I realize that it’s important to him, we’ve never argued before so part of me does think I must have screwed up. But I also think he’s making a big deal over something minor and I didn’t do anything that bad.”
Another User Comments:
“If you can’t discipline a child you’re taking care of, you can’t actually care for that child. If they try to drink Drano, does he want you to call him first or to take away the Drano first? What you did wasn’t even punishment.
It was risk management. Tell your SO you can’t care for her if you can’t discipline. If he had hired a babysitter, he’d trust them enough to discipline in his stead. Why doesn’t he trust you? NTJ.” jacano5
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Especially if that was considered disciplining.
That was VERY tame discipline. Furthermore, the child was in your care, I am a big believer that if I leave my child in the care of someone else then I have to allow them to discipline if necessary. I mean what if the kid touches the hot stove?
I’d hope you yell at my kid for doing that. Honestly I’d tell him that if he isn’t comfortable with your discipline then you cannot watch her anymore. You need to have some type of allowed punishment you can use.” Sad_Sherbet_7411
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I honestly don’t see how you ‘disciplined’ her. You took her out of a dangerous situation (scooters and cars are never a good mix) and told her to calm down in her room for a while once she started yelling. That’s not a punishment, a punishment would be grounding her.
You literally told her to calm herself down. I think your SO is overreacting. If he didn’t want you to handle a potentially dangerous situation, he shouldn’t have left you there with the kid and taken her with him. From the sounds of it, he’s trying to overcompensate by putting blame on you for literally doing what you’re meant to do as an adult looking after a child.
Also, you told him what was happening straight away. Him talking to her on the phone isn’t going to exactly get the child out of the dangerous situation. I honestly don’t understand that logic. If you told off the kid and reprimanded her, I might be on your partner’s side, but from the sounds of it you handled the situation calmly and didn’t create too much conflict.” [deleted]
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