People Demand Transparent Comments From Us Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
18. AITJ For Not Letting My Daughter See Her Sons?
“I (F50s) have a daughter Maya (F27) with my husband (M50s).
Maya got pregnant with our first grandchild, Jake (M10), when she was only 17. The father remained involved and my husband and I spent a lot of time looking after the little one so that Maya could focus on school.
Maya had another baby when she was 19, our second grandchild, Noah (M8). Shortly after Noah was born, the father of both kids stopped being involved and he moved to another part of the country. However, he did pay child support.
Up until around 3 years ago, Maya lived with us rent-free.
My husband and I looked after the kids a lot and we were the ones taking them to school and cooking them dinner. We understood that Maya didn’t have the financial means to move out but it was very frustrating and we felt that Maya wasn’t taking responsibility.
So 3 years ago, Maya started having an online relationship with a wealthy man who was in his 40s. She announced to us that she’s in love with him and going to move to the other side of the country to move in with him, but that she can’t take the kids with her because he doesn’t like children.
My husband and I told her that this situation is absolutely insane and that she can’t be serious.
Maya broke down crying and started begging us to let her sign custody over to us so that she could ‘live her dream’ and not be ‘shackled down.’
We agreed, not for Maya’s sake but for Jake and Noah. We got custody signed over and we are now Jake and Noah’s legal parents.
The poor boys were heartbroken when Maya left, and for the first few weeks, they’d constantly ask to call her and drew pictures for her.
We did try to call Maya so the boys could talk to her but more often than not she didn’t answer the phone. After a few months, she was unreachable and never answered texts or calls for weeks at a time.
We’ve been taking the boys to a child therapist in the past to help them process everything and they are doing much better now.
Last month, Maya called us and explained in tears that the relationship broke down. She asked if she could come back home and spend some time with her kids. It was very out of the blue after she ignored us for 3 years.
It was an impulsive decision that was possibly out of spite but my husband and I told Maya that we were not letting her see her children.
We think it would cause them a lot of heartaches if she abandons them again, and that she’s an unfit mother who evades responsibility. I know we’re within our legal rights to do this but I want to know if a neutral party thinks we’re in the moral wrong.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all! She isn’t an unfit mother though. She’s not a mother at all. Morally or legally. And you are right. She probably would abandon them again if she gets a better opportunity. If you waffle and let her move back in, you’re a jerk though.
Those boys have been through enough. If the therapist thinks it could be ok, supervised visits outside the home seem like the only option for now. Don’t pay for anything for her. You’re already raising her kids. She doesn’t deserve more from you after how she’s treated her own kids.” Sad-Leopards
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She is no longer their mother. She signed away all rights to them when she decided she had to go ‘live her dream’ and not be ‘shackled down’ by the two boys she had birthed.
You are those boys’ mother, both legally and morally.
You were the one raising them since birth, not just the past three years when it became your legal obligation. And now you have the legal obligation to protect them from harm. That includes exposure to the woman who treated them so cruelly.
Since you’re taking them to therapists (like a responsible mother would!), perhaps you could let the therapist know that the birth mother has asked to come back into their lives.
The therapist would likely have good ideas for how to handle this, whether eventually allowing contact would be good or not. In the meantime, alert your sons’ school that the boys’ birth mother, who signed away all legal rights to them before abandoning them for years, has come back into your life.
Only you and your husband or another designated caretaker are to be allowed to contact them and pick them up from school. They should be made aware that the birth mother may try to go around you, given her history of just doing whatever she wants and expecting to get her way, regardless of the consequences for your sons.” crumpledspoon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She signed her kids over and became unreachable. She sounds like she cares about no one except herself, and wanting to see the kids is more about wanting you to pay for her life, and wanting love and affection from the kids to feel good about herself.
This is not good for her children to be around. Were it that she genuinely missed the kids it might be another matter, but her motivations seem entirely selfish. As soon as the next rich man/man who doesn’t want children comes along, those kids will be abandoned again.
Very hard for you as her parent, but I applaud you for being so caring and responsible towards those little boys.” PutTheKettleOn20
17. AITJ For Buying Diapers For Another Woman?
“I (20F) was recently shopping at a small convenience store when a lady came In, she had twins. She picked up 4 small bags of diapers and placed them on the counter when the man said she could only buy one.
They got into a pretty heated argument and she screamed that one pack of diapers wasn’t going to be enough for her twins. I felt bad for her so I decided to loop around to the diaper section and buy another pack for her. I managed to catch up to her and handed her the diapers and she proceeded to thank me.
Still, I felt like with twins and 2 small packs of diapers weren’t enough, I asked her if she would walk with me to target so she could pick out some more diapers for her babies and she said yes. In target, she picked up a box of newborn-sized diapers and I paid for them.
She felt pretty bad that I spent so much money on diapers just for her but I honestly didn’t mind.
Fast forward, my partner said I shouldn’t have done this as I’d wasted over 30 bucks on a stranger. I told him if I was ever in a position the woman was In I’d want someone to do the same.
Not only that but parents have to scrape the barrel these days to get formula and diapers because they’re so expensive for one baby to imagine how expensive it is for people with more than one baby. Still, my partner is calling me a jerk for spending money on a total stranger.
So AITJ?
Edit: the money used was all my money from my wages at work. I had already paid my share of the bills and rent for the month and was out shopping for things that were needed at the apartment when the altercation with the woman occurred.
When I handed over the diapers from the convenience store, she opened up about how she was struggling financially, she was paying off her health care from the twins’ birth and how her insurance didn’t cover it all. The convenience store diapers were where she found them to be most cheaper.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your act of kindness made a huge difference for another person.
You could’ve ordered takeout for the money. Bought yourself a pair of jeans. Or maybe six big ice cream cones.
None of that would’ve given you the same value as knowing you did something beautiful for a struggling young mother.
Let me assure you, that she’ll tell others about it. She’ll be teaching her children to be as kind.
You brought faith in humanity back into the world for the cheap price of 30 bucks.
Get your partner out by the way. You’re allowed to spend your money however you want.
Money isn’t tight for you atm, and you already paid your bills. He spends that amount on gaming currency? Yeah, shut up, idiot.
If he doesn’t get it, he’s not partner material.” Gold-Carpenter7616
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did a very kind thing. I don’t have kids nor do I live in the US but it sure does sound tough to parent over there right now.
The rule is stupid. It’s there to avoid stockpiling but all it does is strip the same amount of stock from more stores.
You earned your money, you paid your bills, and you did what you wanted with your own cash. I’d have a serious sit down with him over this and explain why it’s an issue.
He can’t dictate how you use your money and it shows a lack of empathy and care.
I don’t think you need to dump him immediately. But look back to make sure he hasn’t tried something like this before. If he fails to see your point or doubles down, reconsider.” Low_Engineering8921
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, that mom is gonna remember this kind woman forever. I’m telling you right now when those babies are grown she’ll reminisce about the time she was broke and a kind stranger walked her to Target and bought her newborn’s diapers. And you may never know this may be the kindness and the thing she needed most. You did good, be proud!
And isn’t it cool to think you’ll be that random person they talk about and remember with kindness all these years later, karma points for sure!” Environmental-Bat278
16. AITJ For Letting My Friend Become Homeless?
“So a friend (25f) of mine (33m) is going to be homeless soon. She has a full-time job but will not be able to afford the rent increase once her lease is up in a month.
She simply can’t move to another apartment in the area since the rent increase is city-wide and especially high near where she works. She would have to move over an hour outside of the city to be able to afford an apartment. She can’t do this because she doesn’t have a car and would have to quit her job.
She also has three cats. This is the main reason why I won’t let her stay with me.
Her apartment reeks of cats and has cat hair everywhere. It’s so bad that every time I’ve eaten anything over there, I find cat hair in the food.
Also, there are cat hairs on her clothes. Whenever she sits in my car, the seat is fuzzy when she gets out. Lastly, her cats chewed up the molding and scratched up the carpet.
I can’t imagine having my house smell like cats and having hair everywhere.
Plus I recently installed hardwood flooring, upgraded the molding in the process, and bought new couches. I don’t want any of it to be scratched by cat claws.
When she announces to the group her rent increase and asked if anyone had a room for rent, everyone said no. This is understandable as this is an expensive city and they are living at their threshold in terms of living space.
However, some people in the friend group pointed out that I’m single and own a 4-bedroom house so I have plenty of space.
I’m not opposed to her living with me but I don’t want to have anything to do with her cats.
I told her she can stay but her cats can’t and she blew up at me. Pretty soon, almost the entire friend group got on my case. They said I’m cruel for allowing her to go homeless because of her cats. They said it’s unreasonable to prioritize inanimate objects (flooring, etc.) over four lives.
Some even said they see me in a different light and have lost respect for me.
I’m standing my ground. However, I’m shocked the situation went so fast from 0-60 and I’m surprised that no one is on my side.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your friend has had weeks of notice that their rent would be increasing and they needed to find other housing. Despite the costs of living, there is probably someone in the area who has a shared housing situation and is looking for a roommate to pay an amount equal to or less than what your friend has been paying at her previous place.
The reality is that your friend isn’t actually looking for a place to rent. She’s trying to do as little effort as possible. And even if she did move in with you without the cats, your friend probably won’t be able to pay you rent once her current landlord charges her for all the damages she’s leaving.
The friend group is welcome to house your friend and her cats without you. ‘I’ve seen the damage that pets can do to a house. I love animals, but I’m not willing to let any potentially ruin my home’.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
There are very few people who want a roommate with three cats especially when you know that her cats are smelly and destructive.
Why aren’t any of the friends hounding you willing to take her cats until she finds a place that will take them? Many landlords won’t rent to people with too many animals even if they permit animals So even if she was just looking for her own apartment, she would have issues.
Sometimes you have no choice but to rehome a pet when your circumstances alter. I had to find a home for my dog because my job changed and so I was commuting a long way and the dog shouldn’t be left alone for that long.
I found him a great home where he was probably even happier.” Jujulabee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all, I thought home ownership gave you control. She’s got weird priorities if she would rather be homeless with the cats rather than lose the cats.
People that silly don’t need to be given superior preference to you in your own home. Offering a room a big deal even if it has conditions. Hats off to you, nobody else offering anything.” Max-Powers1984
15. AITJ For Not Wanting My Jealous Sister To Be Part Of Her Niece's Life?
“My wife and I just had an amazingly beautiful girl. From the time we announced the pregnancy to when she was born, it was like we always had to walk on eggshells around my sister. My sister had an ectopic pregnancy a few years ago and it had a negative effect on her emotionally and mentally.
Things didn’t get bad until we came home from the hospital with our daughter.
Ever since that day, she’s acted hatefully toward us. She acts jealous whenever our parents try to enjoy time with their granddaughter. She’s sucked all the happiness away that we should be experiencing now.
The other day it got worse when my wife overheard her making comments that her dog is more important than our child.
Don’t get me wrong. My wife and I love animals, but comparing my daughter to a dog is where we draw the line.
My wife went off on her and I made it very clear that I don’t want her to have any part of my daughter’s life. Now everyone is looking at my wife and me like we’ve done something wrong saying we should ‘see things from her perspective’.
And for clarity, she has no problem being around her husband’s nieces and nephews. So it really just seems like she’s mad that I have a kid. But is my family right? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her being okay with her husband’s nieces and nephews is probably easier for her because it’s not her parents.
She sees her parents welcoming their first grandchild (I assume) which in her mind was supposed to be the baby that she lost. None of this is your fault or rational, of course, but I think it’s the specific situation and not you and your wife she’s reacting to.
I don’t blame you for asking her to not be around if she’s going to be negative and rude, but I might explain the exact comments and attitude and suggest she gets some help if she’s feeling so negative about this. Maybe offer that in the future she could have a relationship with her niece if she is able to work on herself and improve first.” helpavolunteerout
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She had a miscarriage and she needs therapy to deal with the grief being around a newborn baby is causing her.
At the same time, that doesn’t give her the right to say crap about your baby. You are entitled to an apology and an expectation that she deals with her grief before she can be a part of her niece’s life.
Cutting her off entirely seems a little extreme to me, but it’s probably a fair instinct as a new parent; just consider the possibility that her current attitude is temporary and linked to trauma that can and should be dealt with in a supportive way.” plitox
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It doesn’t make sense that your family would side with someone who is trying to vilify a baby just for existing. It’s toxic behavior and if you were to keep your daughter around her long enough for her to become more aware, then she will pick up on her aunt’s hatred or passive aggressiveness towards her.
I think you made a good choice and your family is in the wrong for trying to appease your sister because of her unfortunate experience in the past. She’s an adult and needs to address her own trauma and not let it affect the way she treats people, particularly innocent kids.” compositionaquarius
14. AITJ For Snapping When My Sisters-In-Law Announced Their Pregnancies During My Birthday Party?
“My (24f) partner (24M) has 2 sisters Emily (30F) and Diane (32F). They are both married and trying for a baby. Diane announced her first pregnancy on mother’s day this year.
She gifted her mother a baby shoe and a positive pregnancy test. Everyone was happy and even more when Emily told everyone that she was also trying for a baby. Later that evening, I texted them both saying ‘Congratulations, I’m happy for you. It’s a bit weird for me and my partner because we recently learned that I’m sterile.
I hope I didn’t cut the mood but I’m really excited for you both’. They sent me some texts reassuring me and everything went well. Sadly, Diane lost her baby 2 months after this party.
Fast forward to last week. We (MIL, both SILs, and I) met for a girl’s night.
My MIL wanted to organize a party for my birthday so she asked me if that was ok for me and what do I want. I said fine but birthdays are a thought for me. When I grew up, my parents always made my birthdays about them.
They never invited my friends or close family. They always invited their colleagues and friends, they had big parties where they drank a lot of booze. So after I wanted to be sure to have a small party with close family (12 people) and nothing really big.
The party was yesterday. I was helping my MIL when both my SILs and their husbands arrive. They both also brought their in-laws and some friends. So what was supposed to be a small party that ended up with more than 40 people? My MIL was a bit fuming because we had to go buy more drinks and food for uninvited guests.
The party went well until it was gifts time. I opened a gift from my MIL and FIL, then one from my partner. It was sweet.
Next, my SILs gifted me one small package for them both (which is fine, I asked for small gifts if they were willing to give one).
I opened it and it was an S-size shirt (I’m more XL and S) saying ‘Best future aunt’. There was also, written with a marker pen ‘X2’. The package also contained 2 positive pregnancy tests and a photo of them both touching their bellies. I looked them in the eye, asking ‘are you pregnant?’.
They both said yes. Emily took the shirt out of my hands and showed it to everyone. As I was starting to cry, I ran outside, my partner following me. I had a panic attack. When I came back, everyone was happy and they were all congratulating the pregnant couples.
I felt really sad. My partner talked to his parents and we left the party without saying anything to anybody else.
I received, in the evening, some nasty texts from some of my partner’s family saying things like ‘Why did you ruin their announcement? It was only a birthday party, please grow up’.
I do feel bad. My partner is planning on telling them to shut up but I don’t want him to ruin his relationships with his family. My FIL and MIL called me to apologize, saying things got out of hand.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I think you should write a letter (email, letter, whatever) to both SILs, MIL, FIL, and perhaps anyone who says ‘it was just a party’.
Explain that when you were growing up, birthday parties were NEVER about you. Not once, not ever. You never had your friends or family, your parents always invited work colleagues and they drank. So you felt like nobody cared about your birthday, your birthday parties were never even a little bit about you.
That’s why you have small parties. You always hope that with small groups of close family, the party can actually be for you and not just a bunch of random people who don’t know you.
Hearing that SILs both are pregnant, when they all know you can’t ever be pregnant, is the worst un-present that could be brought at a party.
It’s saying ‘HEY WE GOT THE BEST PRESENT THAT YOU WILL NEVER HAVE YOURSELF!’. It was a total slap in the face. You understand that it’s a happy moment for them, and you ARE happy for them, but having it come out at YOUR party just rubbed in your face that it was yet another birthday NOT about you, with a ‘present’ that they both receive and you never will have yourself.
And that hurt more than words can describe.
So you are sorry if you ruined their announcement. But they need to understand that the timing of their announcement was not a present to you, it was just twisting the knife in an already open wound, reminding you that you’ll never have children of your own and everyone else will.
It was a reminder that at every family function going forward, SILs will have their adorable little babies, and you’ll be wishing you had your own, but knowing that will never ever happen for you. And that truly made this one of your worst birthdays ever.
And that’s why you left. Because with that reminder of what you’ll never have as your ‘birthday present’, you couldn’t be happy for them. The only thing you wanted to do is cry. So you left to go cry elsewhere so you didn’t ruin their special moment.
But it’s yet another birthday for everybody other than you.
You understand that your crappy childhood wasn’t their fault, and you don’t blame them for it as they had no way of knowing. But you really don’t understand how, knowing that you’re sterile, rubbing your face in the fact that they both are pregnant was supposed to make you in any way happy.
That’s like telling a person who’s going bankrupt, ‘Happy birthday! I just bought a million-dollar house and a Ferrari and I got promoted to CEO at my company! Too bad you’ll never have any of this! Why aren’t you happy?’
Anyway, you wish everybody the best and you have a love for them all.
You hope they understand now why you were so hurt and why you left.
Send this via something non-realtime- email is good, or physically print it and sign it and hand it to them.” SirEDCaLot
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s already bad manners to hijack someone’s event for your own announcement, but them hijacking your birthday and making your literal birthday present their pregnancy announcements knowing you can’t have children is just insanely insensitive and self-centered.
It was never their event for you to ruin. It is entirely the other way around. The very fact that some people now see their hijacking as the real event of the day only underlines how trashy it was for them to do this.” jwjnthrowawaykfeiofj
13. WIBTJ If I Don't Attend My Best Friend's Wedding?
“My (F27) best friend (F27) is getting married in February. She has been planning her wedding for 2 years and I have been actively helping her the entire time as her maid of honor.
I am extremely excited for her to get married, but she is slightly controlling. She’s the kind of girl that has to have everything perfect or it’s completely ruined. But her wedding, her rules.
Well, I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of October and am due toward the end of June.
This is my first baby and I have struggled heavily with fertility issues so this is a literal miracle baby. My husband and I had literally just given up hope in trying for a little while this past summer. I will be in my second trimester during the time of her wedding.
Well, I told my best friend last week and she seemed… upset. She wasn’t too happy that I was pregnant and her first question is if I would fit in my bridesmaid dress. The dress is extremely flowy and I told her that I should be just fine, and if not I’ll cover the cost of any alternations/buying another dress (I bought my dress in the first place anyways).
Like literally her first question, not even congratulations.
I tried to shrug it off and just assumed she was stressed. Her bachelorette party is next month (I’ve been exclusively planning it) so I just reached out with the final details to her to confirm everything.
During the phone call, she tried to make me feel bad that I wouldn’t be drinking with the rest of them and that it wouldn’t be the ‘bachelorette party of her dreams’ and I told her it would still be fun. That upset me even more, but I just tried to shrug it off once again.
Today she called and told me she had a ‘hard decision’ to make but she’s been thinking about it and while she would like to keep me the maid of honor she doesn’t want me in her pictures. She said that my bump would be too distracting, she didn’t want her pictures to turn into a ‘maternity photoshoot’, and that she just didn’t feel comfortable with it.
However, she still wanted me to pay for the bachelorette party, help her plan the wedding, and wanted me to do almost everything the maid of honor does except being in pictures and she was debating if she still wanted me to give a speech.
She then sent me a bunch of bag-like dresses to choose from as my new dress since I won’t need my maid of honor dress.
We have been best friends since we were 10. I would have never in my wildest dreams expected her to act this way.
WIBTJ for dropping out of her wedding? I really don’t feel like paying for, and being supportive of, a person who treats me like a disposable mooch after years of fertility issues. But I also feel like I may be overreacting as some of my friends said that I would look odd in the pictures.
Thoughts?
Edit: I often try to be very level-headed about things, sometimes to the detriment of myself, and also still wanted to be a part of the day since she is my best friend and we have grown together for so long. I am someone who really values integrity and I felt like if I dropped out, I would be betraying a core value of mine.
I sat down with her and had a very long and blunt talk. I even brought out the post to show her that I am not crazy about some of the points I made. I told her about how deeply my feelings were hurt by her words and actions.
I told her I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t be a full maid of honor and be included in pictures. If I were to be fully honest, she almost convinced me that the whole idea of just keeping me as the maid of honor but with no pictures was for my benefit.
She told me it was to take the ‘stress’ off of me for the day and to make sure I didn’t feel uncomfortable with my ‘new weight,’ but I knew it wasn’t true.
I knew she just didn’t want me to be in her wedding party with a baby bump but wanted my money and planning expertise (I’ve withheld this information but I am a wedding planner with many connections, however, I wouldn’t cut any of them off due to a falling out.
I am not planning her wedding as I felt it would be too much for me because I would want it to be to a level of perfection I couldn’t achieve, but I did hook her up with another planner friend who is incredible but she has utilized me for free a lot).
I think I realized all too clearly in almost an instant that the second she got engaged that our friendship became a business partnership to her, whereas it never changed for me. For the past two years, what I thought were friendship-bonding experiences for me I realized were merely free expenses for her.
In the end, I decided to step out of the wedding as the maid of honor. I will be sending all the information I have to our joint friend who is in the wedding party and will still be paying for that friend’s portion of the bachelorette party instead of the whole thing, as I know it will put that friend out of money which I feel awful about.
I have been uninvited to the wedding as a whole, which was not unexpected. My friend was very angry and upset with the conversation and said some deeply hurtful things that will take me a long time to recover from. To say I am devastated is an understatement, as I expected this woman to be the godmother of my child.
But I feel extremely relieved to have discovered this before the birth of my child. Now my baby’s life will be filled with people who love them unconditionally. And the same goes for me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What a selfish, horrible thing for one person to do to another.
The fact that she is supposed to be your best friend is just… Wow.
Tell her that you hope she has the wedding of her dreams, but you can no longer support her in it. It isn’t even about the photos, it’s about how all the support is completely one-sided. She not only didn’t congratulate you, but she has also almost shamed you for ‘messing up her big day.’ I mean, how dare you get pregnant and have YOUR dreams come true!
Don’t you know that it’s really all about how she feels?
Don’t allow her to take away any of your joy over this wonderful pregnancy! Instead of wasting time on a woman who has shown you so little love, spend that time with the people who care about you and this new addition to your family.
Congrats!” User
Another User Comments:
“Girl, you let her get in your head badly!
First of all, CONGRATULATIONS on your pregnancy!
I am a total stranger, and I put that out there for the world to see. And I am sincere! Your best friend, since you were 10 didn’t say that to you.
Pregnant women get married, in white wedding dresses, walk down the aisle in a church wedding, having wedding photos taken, all of the time! I know, I am a professional wedding photographer and I’ve photographed many beautiful weddings with brides pregnant or Maids of Honor and other bridesmaids pregnant.
They all look beautiful.
Your ‘friend’ is being deeply selfish and hurtful towards you. And to top it off, hey, it’s great and ok if you continue to plan and pay for things, you just can’t be at the wedding anymore!
Why would you allow someone to treat you that way and disrespects you so much?
You are having a baby you have tried so hard to have, a miracle for you, and you are being ‘shamed’ for that and placed in a corner. Would you let anyone do that to your daughter?
Not only would I send the baggy dresses back, but I also wouldn’t plan or pay another dime for anything else in her wedding.
And I’d actually wouldn’t even go to the wedding. Only you can decide that. But is this how a true friend treats their best friend they supposedly love? NTJ
But if you let her continue to treat you like trash, then maybe you are a fool.
Please, please respect yourself, and don’t let her treat you like crap anymore.
The first weeks of you learning about being pregnant are being focused on a self-absorbed jerk, instead of your thoughts being all about your exciting baby…” Photo-7
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all.
If anyone makes you feel bad about this decision, they don’t love you enough. Good to know who’s really your friend right now that you’re expecting. I would be thrilled that a marvelous time in my Best friend’s life it’s gonna be portrayed forever in my wedding pictures.
Too happy friends having their dreams come true. As she’s your friend and you know her all your life, you should consider being very clear about the reasons you have to miss the wedding and how she hurt you.
You have to be direct with this kind of people about what they did wrong, so they won’t turn the story around.
Just tell her that not being in the photos is mean and cold, and you don’t need those feeling around you right now. That you’re sorry that she feels this way about your pregnancy not to even say congratulations once, but you have people in your life who actually loves you and treats you according to that feeling; wish her good luck and shut down all contact for your own peace of mind.
What’s next, your kid won’t be invited to her kid’s birthday cause his hair doesn’t match the theme? You’re a person that cared about her, not venue decoration.” LeeAnneBeyondclouds
12. AITJ For Not Letting My Grandma See My Baby At The NICU?
“My wife and I have tried for seven years to have a child. Five years ago, we discovered we will never be able to have one together.
We looked into IUI, IVF, adoption, and even fostering and finally settled on adoption as it was a guarantee for a child even though we might have to wait years for a match.
We finally got matched and fairly recently our daughter was born, but was addicted to illegal substances at birth and had to go through a round of morphine to help with withdrawals so was in the NICU for a week.
She was also born with a respiratory issue.
She is almost a month old and my grandmother recently posted on social media talking about whether is she wrong for being upset she can’t see her yet because of how old she is (mid-80s).
Everyone started defending her and telling her how bad they felt and I lost it and told people ‘it’s my child, it’s for her health, and if they didn’t like it they could butt out and not worry about ever seeing her, her health is more important than your hurt feelings.’
AITJ for not letting my grandmother see her (both sets of grandparents and the godparents are the only ones so far) when it could have opened a door to even more people wanting to come over and risk my baby’s health?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are right, she’s your child. You shouldn’t need to explain why you don’t want a visitor to see your daughter in the NICU. Your grandmother should respect that. She’s using her age to win sympathy points and get her way when she should be more worried about the condition of her great-granddaughter.
And she’s also putting you and your wife in an even more stressful situation when you’re trying to focus on her health. You summarized your reasonings beautifully, and if your family continues to push against you, keep reminding them that her health is more important than their hurt feelings.” compositionaquarius
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your grandmother is stirring the pot unnecessarily and needs to pry the back of her hand from her forehead. OP, you’re right to be cautious of the baby’s health, but you need to learn a little tact. You should have been more pleasant about it, baby needs time to get healthy before we have visitors, we’ll get her all plump and chubby for grandma don’t y’all worry, etc. The way you phrased it, be prepared for lots of relatives in the to remind you of how this or that is ‘more important than your hurt feelings’ in the future.” akaioi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Firstly congratulations on your precious bundle of joy! Secondly, I hope her health improves dramatically in the next few weeks, it must be quite frightening having witnessed what she has gone through and it will understandably make you both ultra-cautious regarding her health.
Your darling daughter has not had the best start in life but she’s a fighter and as loving parents, you are prioritizing her health over showing her off to the world, and quite rightly so! Let ignorant people continue to mouth off about not getting their own way while you continue to help your baby get stronger.” tigerz0973
11. AITJ For Not Making Dinner For My Husband And Brother-In-Law Until They Wash The Dishes?
“I (29F) and husband (28M) recently allowed his brother (27M) to move in with us.
We all work full time and the same hours M-F with an occasional Saturday. I’m self-employed, so I’m able to make my hours flexible if needed – which I do on Tuesdays to do my husband’s and I’s laundry early in the morning before I go to work and Wednesdays to do our towels and his brother’s laundry.
We do not own a washer and dryer at home, so I take our laundry to do elsewhere on those days – which I honestly do not mind at all. Note that his brother is paying $100/week and I told him that that would include me doing his laundry weekly.
I do all the stopping at grocery stores on my own before picking them up from work – which also cuts into my work days (we currently only have 1 vehicle and his brother’s car is down so I’m the main transportation for everyone).
At home, I clean up after our dog of any bathroom messes he’s made during the day while we’re away and fix his food.
I also ensure all the common spaces are neat and tidy.
When I cook dinner (I am the only one who cooks), I want the sink to be empty. When I do cook, I ensure that the kitchen is properly cleaned after and I make sure all the pots/pans, utensils, and plates/bowls are rinsed with no residue left behind for easy cleaning for the next person.
I’ve recently started getting complaints that, 1. They’re tired of doing the dishes all the time and 2. I complain too much. The biggest complaints from me are wanting the dishes done and the clothes to be placed properly into the hamper.
I feel like I put a lot of effort into everything I contribute to the home.
The only tasks I ask from them are for clothes to be picked up off the floor and then put away immediately once they’re cleaned and then for dishes to be done before I make dinners.
I will quickly note that we’ll usually choose one day on the weekend that we all pick a room to tackle to deep clean – but outside of that particular day, the load of the house is left to me.
I told them both yesterday that I will no longer complain about dishes being done or not. I will continue to lay something out for dinner, but if the dishes are not completed, I won’t be cooking. They also know which days I do laundry and if things aren’t properly placed in the hamper when I’m ready to leave for laundry, those items won’t be washed until the following week.
I’ve been told this is a harsh approach – however as I stated before, I feel as though I contribute a lot to our household and I don’t feel like I’m asking much for these tasks to be completed by them. They’re tired of hearing me complain about things not being done and I’m tired of having to complain about these things not being done.
However, maybe this is a harsh approach and makes me a jerk. Should I just start doing the dishes myself and ensuring everything is properly placed in the hamper for wash day(s) to keep the home running smoothly?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re not their maid nor their mother.
They want to act like spoiled kids, they can make their own food and wash their own clothes.
I despise this type of behavior… they are grown men.
In the spirit of being objective (objectively mad), communicate with your husband privately. Let him know how upset you are, how you feel they aren’t helping, and so on.
You should not have to nag anything… he is a partner, and needs to get himself off the couch and put his dam laundry in the hamper!
But when you have the conversation, be calm. I’m not calm.
If he uses the ‘but we were working’ excuse… don’t go for the pan.
Don’t do it. Not worth it. Better yet, don’t go in the kitchen at all. Stuff all their dirty laundry under the bed… or LOL, in a bag to be donated at the end of the month. God… no! Don’t listen to me. You’re not their mom, and we are not trying to discipline children.” MysteriousPraline468
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your BIL is getting a live-in maid, laundress, AND cook for $400 a week PLUS a place to live? And he’s complaining about doing dishes? Kick him out. If you need the funds you can charge more for a room from a stranger & not have to do any of that.
I have to ask, what in the world are you getting out of this deal? They both sound super ungrateful. You can do better with all your skills, your own job & car. They need to start being grateful for all that you do, or you should really think about moving out.
Those 2 big babies can learn to take care of themselves. Their entitlement is really something else.” User
Another User Comments:
“Harsh? This is indulgent. You are not their maid, chef, nanny, chauffeur, or mommy – yet you’re letting them treat you like all those things.
They can wash their own laundry after or before work hours. They can each have at least one day to cook dinner (and I don’t want to hear that they can’t cook – anyone can scramble eggs or boil some pasta or order pizza).
And yes, they can do the dishes if you’re doing the majority of the other housework while working and chauffeuring, and laundering!
This is nonsense. They aren’t children so stop tolerating their behavior. Make some boundaries and enforce them. That’s not harsh at all.
NTJ” EconomyVoice7358
10. AITJ For Taking An Elderly Woman's Bus Seat?
“I (22F) and my daughter (7F) ride the bus and take public transportation as we don’t have a car at the moment. My daughter and I were on our way to my nephew’s first birthday party – and we were carrying his gifts as we were in a rush to get there.
The distance between our bus stop and my sister’s house is about 12 stops in between, so it takes a while to get there. Our entire ride was probably about 30 minutes. While getting on the bus, it was packed and filled so my daughter and I had to stand amidst the heaviness of the gifts.
Once the driver pulled over, 3 people got off and an older lady who looked to be about 75 as she had a cane, got out of her seat and went toward the exit door as if she was about to get off the bus. There were two other people standing along with us and they took the two open seats and her seat was the only one open.
So we grabbed the gifts as we were going to walk toward the last open seat.
I guess she must’ve realized that it was the wrong stop and she turned around and started going toward the empty seat as if she were going to sit back down.
We hurried and sat in her empty seat once we noticed she was trying to get the seat back. She looked at me and told me I was in her seat and to just let her have it because she was going to get off in 8 stops.
My daughter sat on my lap and I told her that the seat is ours and that if she will be off soon, she can stand like we did. She was blowing her breath and mugging me the entire way until she got off. I felt highly disrespected and while I understand her not wanting to stand, neither did my daughter and me, and my child comes first.”
Another User Comments:
“In addition to being rude, you taught your daughter that being rude is okay. Your daughter is not a toddler. She is 7 years old. She can and should stand. The place belonged to that lady and you were the jerk. Your daughter has no priority over the old lady.
And if you’re loaded with gifts and knew it would be difficult on public transport, then you should have planned better or left it at your sister’s sooner. I hope your daughter can understand that the way her mother acted is wrong and not repeat it in the future.
YTJ” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. What kind of heartless monster are you? I hope your daughter doesn’t turn out like you… the woman probably stood up to ask the bus driver what stop they were at. And the fact that you noticed she was about to sit down and quickly swooped in before she could make you even more of a jerk.
Bus seats are reserved for elderly people, people with physical disabilities, and pregnant women. Not for a selfish jerk like you. Get over yourself before your daughter turns into a sneaky, disrespectful, entitled woman just like you.” Acceptable_Sun851
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
She’s old and has a cane and has obvious mobility issues.
You noticed she was coming back and decided to rush to the seat anyway because the gifts were heavy. Knowing you don’t have a vehicle maybe you shouldn’t have bought a heavy gift.
You and your daughter are assumably young and healthy (you didn’t say otherwise) so there is no other reason other than an entitlement that you chose to be a jerk.
Set an example for your daughter next time and show her it’s common courtesy to give elderly/immobile people the seat.” No_Yogurtcloset_1020
9. AITJ For Not Wanting To Named My Child After My Husband?
“My husband’s name starts with a V (think Vernon, Vincent, etc.) there’s no tradition in his family to pass a name down because his family believed it would confuse people if they tried to ask for a ‘John’ and 7 johns come.
So they’ve never repeated names that we know of.
Recently my husband has befriended a man who I’ll call ‘Jake’. Jake goes by JJ and is the 5th Jake in his family and his wife recently had a baby who they named Jake again, so now there are 6 Jakes in his family.
My husband was apparently so touched by this that he asked if he can start a tradition where our son can be named after him because he believes it’s a great way to bring the family closer and our son can be known as VJ like how Jake is known as JJ
Now I wouldn’t have a problem with naming our son after him it’s just that when people will ask for our son they’ll say VJ and a lot of people use that to refer to their vag so I don’t want my son to be named after that.
My husband said that it’s childish to think that and that no one thinks that anymore.
I said would he rather be known as VJ instead and he said it wouldn’t work that way because everyone already knows to call him by his actual name.
He said I was being unreasonable and how much this means to him and hasn’t talked to me for a few hours.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Please don’t call your kid VJ. A suggested compromise. You can do what my husband’s family does in passing down their male name.
He is the third in his family with this first name, but both he and his father go by their middle names.
How much this means to him? He’s just copying his friend. By no means should you point this out unless you really wanna have a dumb fight over it, I’m just saying he made this up out of nowhere and is acting like it’s a long-held tradition or something.” thischaosiskillingme
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Naming a child are two yeses or a no-decision. Either partner can veto a name for any reason. You don’t like VJ, so it’s out. He doesn’t get to start a naming tradition unless you agree to it.
If he wants to start a naming tradition, he doesn’t need to do what Jake does (his weird need to copycat is creepy). A lot of families use the parents’ first names as middle names. So why don’t you choose a first name that isn’t anyone else in the family’s- something that is only your child and not a relative?
Then use the V name as his middle name? It’s still an honoring/passed down thing without all the negatives his family already identified with sharing a name Across multiple generations.
Also, keep in mind that just because your husband is ‘touched’ by Jake’s very common tradition doesn’t mean your son will have any interest in continuing it.
I always thought naming a kid after yourself was a bit narcissistic. The kid is not a shrine to you. Let him be his own person with his own first name!” EconomyVoice7358
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you’re spot on about the nickname causing bullying.
There are also legal reasons not to name your kid identically to their dad or other family members. It makes legal paperwork and credit very difficult. There are tons of horror stories of people having their credit messed up, bank accounts mixed up, and losing social security benefits because V senior passed away and the office mixed it up with V junior and declared him deceased in their paperwork.
Things like that. So look out for your son’s future because you’re naming a person that has to grow up and exist as an adult in the world with the name you pick.” Silaquix
8. AITJ For Telling My Partner To Lose Weight?
“I (20m) have a partner (21f) and we’ve been together for two years now. When we started going out, we were both on the chubbier side, we were both active and healthy but we never really cared about losing weight.
My partner has a health condition that makes it harder for her to lose weight, but even then it isn’t as bad as she makes it seem.
About a year and a half into our relationship I felt it was time to make a change, so I started dieting and exercising more.
My partner was very supportive of me at the time so I didn’t see anything wrong with it, but after a few months when my weight loss had become noticeable, she started to mind. I had asked her to go work out with me several times but she was never interested, and a week ago when I asked her if she wanted to go for a jog with me she lost it.
She shouted at me about how I’m just trying to brag about my weight loss and how I’m trying to make her look fatter than she is, and she started saying things about how she knew I was gonna have an affair soon because now I was more fit.
That made me very angry because I love her and I thought she knew that I wouldn’t try to leave her.
In a fit of rage, I said ‘maybe if you’re so insecure about being bigger than me, you could try to lose a pound or two!’ She was shocked and burst into tears, she grabbed the keys and drove to her parents’ house.
I tried to call and text her but she leaves me on read. Since she left I’ve been getting so many calls and messages from people calling me a jerk. So am I the jerk for telling my partner to lose weight?”
Another User Comments:
“You say she started to mind after some time. And then you proceed to say that you asked her to work out with you or go for jogs. Seems more like you are the one who minds. If you choose to lose weight, good on you.
But it’s not on you to make choices with your partner. Stop annoying her with your suggestions, if she wants to do that, she will. But what you did was laying open, how you feel about her: she now is too fat for you. You’re such a major jerk.
You’re giving her insecurities about her weight, not to mention dismissing her condition and then blaming her for her insecurity and weight. Yes YTJ.” Yogiteee
Another User Comments:
“Under the circumstances, in a fight when she is obviously feeling incredibly insecure and you tell her, in response to her fears that you would have an affair, ‘maybe if you’re so insecure about being bigger than me, you could try to lose a pound or two!’ Yea, maybe not your finest jerk moment.
You also dismissed her health issue which adds to YTJ. In a BIG WEIGH! Get it? I hope so because you really messed up by dismissing her health and then not supporting how she is feeling. Her feelings are real and you had no empathy for her at all.
You basically just told her she was fat and I am going out on a limb here, but you had probably never done that before. So now you are losing weight, she is scared and you basically said she needed to lose weight.
Just curious, if she was starting to look fine and you were feeling incredibly insecure how would you feel?
I am not suggesting that the two of you shouldn’t try and get healthy together. But there has to be a better way to do that. And weight is usually an issue for one or many other things that need to be worked out also.
This isn’t an easy journey for anyone that has a weight challenge, for all reasons already mentioned.” Photo-7
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for the medical condition comment alone. If I had a nickel for every time a man dismissed a woman’s health conditions (without having ANY way of knowing what it’s like) I’d be a very rich woman.
You clearly don’t have empathy for your partner, for starters.
You’re the jerk for the rest of it too though. She definitely didn’t just snap after your request for a jog. This is something that has been building (probably after your multiple attempts to get her to the gym after she made it clear she wasn’t interested).
It’s pretty evident that she feels as though you’re trying to change her now that you’ve changed and she’s insecure that you’re going to leave her because you’re pushing her to lose weight. What she needed from you was reassurance that you weren’t going to have an affair or leave her.
What you did was solidly and justify that fear by telling her to lose weight in response. Good luck fixing your relationship bud.” OnyxRain0831
7. AITJ For Being Uptight With My Medicines?
“I (20f) always struggled to pay attention, focus on things that I deemed boring, manage due dates, wake up and fall asleep – and have an INCREDIBLY weak memory.
I managed to get through high school and to my dream uni by luck, honestly. I just got As without working too hard, and since I started taking classes at the community college, I always had an excuse for not showing up to class (when I was actually home, sleeping in) – but I always felt really awful about that.
I felt that I’m a lazy undeserving person, that if anyone found out they will hate me and think I’m a stupid loser. I continued to develop imposter syndrome, general anxiety disorder, and an eating disorder since I hated myself so much for my lack of productivity.
I felt like a complete waste.
When uni started, it became harder to keep my grades up. I tried so hard, but kept missing due dates, felt like I couldn’t pay attention in class or focus enough to study… I tried everything, signed up for every learning skills class I could afford, read every self-help book, locked myself in my dorms…
and still felt like I’m not getting the grades I KNEW I’m able to. I was at an all-time low mentally… that until I accidentally encountered an article about ADHD and felt like I was reading my life story… every little symptom fit me completely.
I finally had hope that I can be helped.
I was lucky enough to still be covered by my parents’ insurance and saw a neurologist a month after (costs 50 dollars, which may be important for later). He said I was a classic case of ADHD (and also diagnosed a memory problem) and gave me a whole treatment plan – including pills.
I was over the moon, I never felt so relieved and validated in my whole life!
Yesterday I tried taking half a pill for the first time, and oh boy, I felt like someone turned off a really loud noise that I didn’t even know was there… I never felt so focused and CALM in my entire life!
I called my family excited and told them- but my mom cut me off mid-sentence and asked me to bring her some when I get home; my father added that I should let my brother (16m) try as well since he probably has a worse ADHD than mine and is struggling to keep his grades up (which I’m completely aware of).
I felt very uncomfortable with that and told them to just go to the doctor themselves (as it’s not expensive, and the wait isn’t that long anyways). But they insisted that it’s not that big of a deal and ‘everyone had ADHD nowadays’ and everyone takes them from friends etc…
and if it helps me that much, why wouldn’t I want that for them as well? They just want to know if it even helps and that I’m being too uptight…
I feel like a total jerk cause I KNOW they’re right, people get it from others all the time, but I’m scared…
it’s illegal, something can happen to them, or yes – that I might run out when I need them (which I know is selfish…).
So, am I really making a big deal out of nothing?
Edit – I want to make it clear that my brother has nothing to do with this, and probably doesn’t even know about that conversation.
He is the sweetest young boy, and would never pressure anyone for anything.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, any meds that u are prescribed are specifically FOR YOU. Giving someone else those medications can have serious consequences, especially because the dosage may be too strong. No one without an ADHD diagnosis should take ADHD meds; even if ADHD is something they might suspect they have, it is so important that they try to get a diagnosis and meds themselves just because of the dosage.
And let’s not forget that ADHD medication is still usually made from some substances, substances that anyone without ADHD would take are seriously dangerous.
I know this last bit won’t help but screw your parents. They seem like huge jerks. Not only do they want to take one of their child’s medications and give it to their other child WITHOUT EVEN CONSIDERING THE CONSEQUENCES BECAUSE OF THE DOSAGE – but they also decide they can invalidate not only your diagnosis but your experience by saying that ‘your brother probably struggles more with ADHD’ if they are so worried THEY SHOULD TAKE HIM TO THE DOCTOR!
There’s a reason when you get ADHD meds the doctors want to do checkups on you, not only because they want to see if the dosage is correct but also because ADHD meds can give you higher blood pressure which could potentially be dangerous.” Sieepsaand
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Op, you should not share your medication with anyone. There is a prescription dosage with the date and time of the medicine. You could be charged with substance us, smuggling, or other laws pertaining to it cause the doctor will question how did u end up finishing the medicine early and without a proper response you could be refused medication altogether and you could get blacklisted and won’t be given medication anywhere.
Plus, if you are thinking that they might take 1-2 pills from you that won’t be the case if the medication works they’ll continue leaching off of you.
Just remember how you felt when you first took it and how possessive you became of them the same is gonna happen with them as well and it will only get worse.
My advice: ask them to get their own prescription because it’s not about sharing it’s about making sure the people who need it get it. Plus, you guys have insurance I don’t know what the big deal is doesn’t your insurance cover this? And if it does why waste money and not use it.” Brainbeast09
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and don’t relent on not giving them your meds. They have been prescribed for YOU following YOUR diagnosis. You are being very sensible telling them no.
If they feel they have the signifiers for ADHD they can take the ASRS (Adult ADHD Self-Report Scale) diagnostic and then see a neurologist and go through the same process you did.
Heck, it’s literally an online printable that’s a great first step to see if ADHD might be what you’re dealing with.
They may not have it, or they might but require different meds or a different strength. Your pills are not an over the counter painkiller that can be handed to anyone.
Also if you run out before your next script they aren’t gonna give you more, and if it’s found out you’ve been giving them to others there will be even more problems for you.
They shouldn’t be trying to turn themselves into lab rats with your meds.
Encourage them to seek a formal diagnosis! If it’s 50 dollars and a month wait there is no reason for them not to.” Academic-Cut-5045
6. AITJ For Telling My Ex That His Partner Sent Me A Message?
“So yesterday, a former lover’s current partner sent me a follow request on Instagram. I figured she might’ve been his partner so I accepted her request and followed her back.
A few minutes later, she DMed me saying that she wanted me to remove this photo of a drawing that he had made of me because it made her ‘uncomfortable’ and that it was ‘weird’ for her to see these images ‘on the Instagram of a girl who barely knows him.’ I obliged because I wouldn’t want my actions to deliberately hurt the sentiment of a fellow woman.
However, afterward, when I had some time to reflect and after overcoming the initial shock of receiving these messages, I thought that this was honestly none of her business. These images of the drawings he had made of me were from six years ago! Her partner and I never dated, we had only had a brief holiday romance and this photo/photo of the drawing was just an innocent reminder of our lovely time together.
I was feeling rather peeved so I messaged him on WhatsApp letting him know that she had asked me to delete this photo and I also let him know that should he want me to take them off my Instagram, I would understand but that she had no right as to what I get to express or post.
If she wants to not be affected by his past, she can simply unfollow me, my IG is private. Mind you, this guy and I don’t keep in touch or anything except when he was visiting my country and needed some information. And I have since been in love and seeing someone for a while now.
Am I the jerk for wanting to reinstate these photos? Am I the jerk for reaching out to him about his partner’s messages?
Update: In my messages to this girl’s partner/my former lover, I expressed my concerns and was very apologetic that I had to reach out to him like this.
He was unaware that she had messaged me and was apologetic about the entire situation as well. We agreed that I would remove her as my follower, untag him from the post and that I had every right to have this photo up. After this conversation, I did as promised – I removed her as a follower, untagged him, and reinstated the photo.
But she just messaged me again, rather aggressively, demanding that the photo be taken off. I don’t know how she is still seeing it considering my account is private. Do I respond to her? Or shall I just ignore her? This is so petty and silly and weird!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She’s 6 years deep into the private Instagram of someone her partner had a brief holiday romance with. She’s willfully making herself uncomfortable. She doesn’t need to be involving you in the weird self-sabotage thing she’s got going on.” Extension_Ad_972
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. But only for taking them down in the first place and then once you did, for contacting him. If your account is private, then my guess is she is friending anyone he has ever mentioned romantically, just so she can ‘erase’ those people from her partner’s life.
She had no right to ask you to remove those pictures and you should have told her to take a hike and ignored her. Her partner did nothing wrong, but now he is in an uncomfortable position. It is probably a good thing if he finds out now that she is controlling and entitled. But you weren’t the appropriate messenger.
At this point, repost the pics if you want, then move on.” introspectiveliar
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It was a one-time fling six years ago. She had to do some self-sabotaging to go through his Instagram to find your account, request to follow you, then stalked your account to find a post from six years ago of a drawing, then asked you to delete it?
Especially if you guys haven’t talked about anything other than travel since the time he asked you about it. That’s pretty sad…” Ustulatious
5. AITJ For Calling My Husband Selfish?
“My husband (27m) and I (25f) have been together for a bit over 5 years. About 2 years ago, we moved to a new state (CO) for his job.
Initially, we had talked about moving back to our original state after a couple of years (to be by our families) but Colorado does things to a person and now we want to stay for good. We started looking at houses about a month ago.
Before we moved to CO I was the only one working while my husband finished school. When he told me he had accepted a job offer in a different state I didn’t have much of a choice as I make significantly less than him. I was accepted at a great engineering school in CO but my husband told me that we wouldn’t be able to afford both his student loan payments (about 100k) and a house AND student loan payments for me, so I had to decline that opportunity.
I make 50k a year and he makes 250k. I do most of the household work (cooking, cleaning, car maintenance, yard work, etc) but none of that actually puts a roof over our heads.
Last weekend we went to revisit a home that we both had liked. After I felt comfortable moving forward with the purchase but when we started to talk about numbers with our credit union (pre-approved for a mortgage at 5%) he was not happy.
We currently pay 2500 a month in rent and the mortgage for this place would be 4000. That is a significant increase. However, we would be getting triple the space, a garage, and an air conditioner which are all things we don’t currently have. Part of the increase is that the area the house is in is safer and has better schools.
To me, that makes it worth it. We pay around 2000 a month in debt (his student loans and our cars).
On our way back from seeing the house we had a pretty large fight. He said that I am not taking the finances into consideration, I disagree, this is not the first time we have gone to see this house, and the last time he didn’t say anything about the cost. I told him that if he wants something different than the places I’ve had us go he should be contributing to the search.
So far I am the only one who has looked at listings, I’ve scheduled the tours, I got us pre-approval, etc. I told him that he seemed to be fine spending funds on things when it’s on him (he’s taken 2 trips this year without me) but when it comes to spending money on things for us as a family he doesn’t want to.
The night before this he had also had a serious talk with me about wanting kids, I told him under no circumstances would we be doing that until we have a different housing situation. The list of reasons why our current rental is not a good place to raise kids is longer than my arm.
My husband and I rarely fight and this has shaken me up a bit and I’m starting to feel guilty for implying he only spends money on himself when realistically most of the bills are paid by him. Was I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – If he doesn’t like the financials of the places you suggest then he should start looking as well and contributing to the search for an agreed-upon appropriate home.
But please reconsider going back to school before starting a family. Especially if it’s something you really want to do.
I’m not saying you won’t ever be able to after you have kids but it will be more difficult and more than likely be pushed back for longer and longer amounts of time. Your saying family is more important is valid of course but you may end up resenting him or the situation if you continuously put it off once you have children.
You shouldn’t have any regrets.” Brief-Finger7474
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you should try to confine your fights to the specific issue at hand. If you bring up related problems, it’s definitely going to escalate. When he says you’re not taking the finances into consideration, tell him that you are and that you feel this is within your household budget.
Then everything that follows should be a more or less objective discussion regarding finances.
His failure to contribute to the search isn’t really the topic. You should finish fighting about finances before you fight about that failure, even though it’s related. It sure flows naturally, but the point is to get to a resolution and not to try to ‘win’ by bringing up whatever he’s doing wrong with money in general, or what he’s doing wrong with househunting.” Syveril
Another User Comments:
“You make 300K per year between you, and don’t have kids yet. $4000 per month on a mortgage is within your budget.
I’m concerned by your car loans – you make a lot of money between you, and currently live somewhere fairly cheap.
Why do you need to borrow money to buy cars? Did you buy something gratuitously expensive?
You need to separate your discussion of whether the $4000 home is ‘worth it’ from how much you can afford to budget for a home. Sit down, go over your finances, and figure out how much you can easily afford, and how much would be a stretch, but you could accommodate it if you tightened down on another spending.
That tells you what you can afford.
NTJ, but you need a serious talk about money.” _mmiggs_
4. AITJ For Not Wanting My Kid Around Her Polyamorous Dad?
“My (22f) ex (24m) and I split up a year ago and we have a daughter who is almost 3. our breakup was fine, we are still friends and co-parenting but a few months ago he told me he was thinking about exploring polyamory, which I think is fine despite the title I have no issue with polyamory.
My issue is that he has quite a few people he sees on a regular basis now, I’m aware of at least 4 people he sees and considers his friends with benefits/casual partners. When I dropped my daughter off with him for a weekend he had a girl I had never met staying with them, when I went to pick her up he was saying he was going to the airport to pick up this couple he had met online.
My daughter is old enough to start realizing who these people are and keeps telling me about ‘daddy’s girls’ and even ‘why does daddy have a lady partner and a male partner?’ (He’s bi)
Honestly, it makes me worried that he keeps bringing so many people around her, I think it makes her a little confused and also I don’t know how well he vets these people before letting her see them.
Last weekend he asked if we could reschedule his time w our daughter because he had a new date coming up, and I sort of freaked out and told him I’m not comfortable w this arrangement and I don’t think his polyamory is healthy for our kid.
He sees her on weekends and sometimes longer depending. We don’t have a legal custody arrangement because we have done a good job so far figuring it out on our own, but I told him that until he stops bringing so many people around her I’m not comfortable letting her stay at his house, especially if other adults are staying with him as well.
He said I’m being irrational and he can stop letting people stay over when she’s there but people are poly and I can’t shelter her from that forever, he also accused me of being homophobic because I did specifically say letting random grown men around her.
We have never had a fight this big before and my mom says I was wrong because he has shown me to be a good dad, but I am still uncomfortable with this.
Am I wrong?
Edit: I and my ex actually haven’t been together romantically since before she was born, but we were living together until last year because he got a new girl and wanted to move out which was fine and I had no issues with that.
I said split up because before that we were living together and co-parenting together even though we weren’t actually ‘together’ I’m not jealous of him seeing other people I am also seeing. LOL, my main issue is that he is letting her be around so many strange adults and I am concerned for her safety both physically and mentally because she had met his prior significant other and they only broke up 3 weeks before he started seeing new people and bringing them around.
I don’t know if that adds context but it is definitely more of a safety concern on my end than anything else.
Edit 2: Honestly I didn’t really know anything about polyamory before he started doing it, and he explained that to him the people are not ‘random strangers’ because they are his partners, so that’s why I associated this with his polyamory.
Obviously, I don’t actually want to cut him off from our daughter because of this but what I meant was more that I don’t think the way he is practicing it is responsible. I think I am going to talk to him about setting up a legal custody arrangement like many of you have suggested because it’s better for the long run!
Also obviously I apply these rules to myself too, I actually have been seeing someone but I haven’t introduced him to my daughter yet because I don’t think that’s responsible as it’s very new.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and it needs to change immediately.
The truth of the matter is that random grown men around your kid are dangerous, and it’s got nothing to do with anyone’s gender. People who mistreat children in the ways you’re concerned about are statistically more likely to be grown men, you’re not wrong to feel uncomfortable with a revolving door of any random people around your child, and you’re not wrong to be particularly uncomfortable with some of them being adult men, especially that even her father doesn’t know well.
You wouldn’t be wise to bring random partners around your daughter either. Honestly, none of this has to do with polyamorous relationships, it has to do with your daughter being overexposed to your ex’s partners who are often near strangers to even him.
You’re right to put the brakes on this immediately and I’m surprised you’ve been this accommodating so far. You’re nicer than me.” MagicianGOBBluth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your child’s welfare is your most important priority & you’re smart to take it seriously.
It might be different if he was in a serious, longtime poly relationship and you had a chance to meet & vet the people he was involved with. But he’s just figuring this out & experimenting right now & not being careful about who your daughter is around.
Strangers from the internet? Yikes. That’s just asking for trouble.
It would be good to have a direct, sit-down conversation with him about your expectations as a co-parent. And it’s definitely time to consult a lawyer & get a legal agreement drawn up so there is no confusion about everyone’s responsibilities.
Keep it calm & civil but you have every right to ask for better from your ex.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you need to act swiftly to protect your child now. You need to get a good attorney and have a formal custody arrangement drawn up.
To your own attorney, you need to outline these concerns very clearly and not sugarcoat anything out of any feelings of keeping the peace. Tell them directly that your issues lie with him: 1) bringing a whole string of unfamiliar people around your child, 2) not giving any indication that he vets any of these people as truly safe and respectable when it comes to children, 3) accusing you of bigotry whenever you try and address the safety of your child.
Chances are, and I’m no legal expert here, he’s not going to get the custody he wants if you decide that you don’t want your child to be exposed to this. And you would be fully in the right if you didn’t want your child exposed to this in the slightest. The courts would most likely agree with you here because this isn’t a non-traditional relationship you have an issue with as he doesn’t have a serious relationship right now.
Right now, he’s hooking up with a lot of people who are borderline strangers and allowing those same hormone-driven strangers around his kids without any safety checks or any concerns about how you feel about this. I highly doubt that the courts would side with him on the basis of this being a legitimate relationship model that’s safe to expose a young child to in such a capacity.
You’ve made it clear that you have nothing against polyamory, and quite frankly based on what I know about polyamory – he’s not actually engaging in what is regarded as polyamory. He is a single man with a rotation of hookups. He’s not in any legitimate relationship with multiple people.
I’ve lived with polyamorous couples, and while polyamory can have a ton of variations, I haven’t heard a single polyamorous person liken a rotation of hookups to legitimate polyamory.
From everything I saw, polyamorous couples need to put in just as much work if not much more work into making their relationships stable and worthwhile.
I’ve lived with a man who was part of a triad where he and another man were seeing the same woman and they would have dinners together that they all cooked together and discuss their future finances around the table. I’ve been friends with a quad where it was a woman, a non-binary person, and two men who were all going out with one another and their activities and engagement with one another reflected that.
Polyamory does not also include a man hooking up with whoever he feels fancy with.
He’s attempting to shield himself with weighted vocabulary like deeming his pattern of sensual activity as polyamory, and accusing you of bigotry when you’re concerned about unfamiliar men around your very young child.
I hate to say it but that man is not polyamorous and if you allow him to lead your child to believe that what he’s doing is polyamory and a type of healthy love, then it will only be a disservice to her down the road.” vvhorf
3. AITJ For Planning My Own Trip Because My Friend Excluded Me From Hers?
“I had what was supposed to be a discreet arrangement with my ex, Nic. We’ve had this arrangement for years but it’s been on and off depending on if we’re seeing other people. He broke up with his partner, Rachel, last month as she found out about our arrangement and was angry about it even though it’s been on pause since before they started going out.
Every year our friendship group goes on vacation together. My friend, Alice, usually plans the trips. Alice uninvited me this year because Rachel told her Nic had an affair with me, so she didn’t want to be around me. I explained our arrangement because I didn’t want her to think what Rachel said was true.
She told me she didn’t think Nic should flaunt his sugar baby in front of Rachel right now so I couldn’t go on the trip, even though Nic is still invited and none of our friends have ever suspected something was going on so we clearly aren’t flaunting anything.
I told her what she was doing was shaming me but she denied it and said I was still uninvited.
I’m still really annoyed that I’m being excluded so I decided to plan my own trip at the same time and to tell everybody why Alice uninvited me in the first place.
Nic decided to come to mine which caused half of the group to join mine too.
Alice is upset with me because she thinks I twisted what happened and that I’m making her look like the bad guy when she was just trying to make sure Rachel was comfortable after what I and Nic did to her.
Since half of the group is going on my trip, I’ve also made the trip a lot more expensive for the others which they’re unhappy about.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“If Alice had uninvited both of you, I would be more understanding of her plight, however, she’s playing favorites.
You set the record straight with her and she still insisted on excluding you and only you. You’re NTJ for planning your own trip since at this point you are a free agent and can do such. Did Alice just expect you to sit at home alone while they all went out and did the yearly fun group thing?
The fact half the group came over to yours after you (and Nic I assume) set things straight is funny though and I’m sure Alice had some explaining to do for her part in this.
You and Nic did nothing to Rachel, as you have pointed out you were not ‘together’ long before they started up.
Seeing that you two dated before, no one should be surprised if you are hooking up between relationships since it’s easier to take care of needs with someone you’ve already been with than with some random. Anything else between you is between two consenting adults.
NTJ” ConfectionExtra7869
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
There is not wrong with having a friends with benefits or in this case an ex with benefits because it’s someone you trust and is safe with because in the end basic needs are met mutually. As long as having affairs isn’t happening.
Rachel was looking for a reason for the break-up and chose to blame you. Because why would Nic break up with perfect Rachel? But Alice did in fact twist words and chooses to believe Rachel when she could have just asked you for the truth and by still inviting Nic was probably planned on getting Rachel and Nic alone together.” Mina_Harker22
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re only uninvited to force Nick and Rachel back together. It has nothing to do with flaunting anyone around. If Rachel wanted to stay with Nick, she shouldn’t have lied or broken up with him. I know a lot of adults who have arrangements, especially after the global crisis.
It’s viewed as safer and the person knows what the other person likes already. It’s fairly common. If other people want a cheaper trip, they can join yours.
Also, you and Nick should have a conversation about your feelings towards each other. I know people who have this arrangement but not for that long.
They typically get in a serious/permanent relationship with someone else and potentially get married. It sounds like you and Nick may still like each other.” Glum_Hamster_1076
2. AITJ For Letting My Best Friend Live Rent-Free?
“In 2021, I (35F) took a 2-year contract teaching in another country. I also bought a new house, and because my best friend (32F) of 21 years had acquired a ton of medical debt, we agreed she would live in my house rent-free and take care of the property while I was away.
Meanwhile, I started going out with a fella (36M) on February 2021; a friend moves into my house on May 2021 and left her very affordable – albeit rundown- rental of $1,100.
In June 2021, I backed out of my contract to be with my guy, and we ended up getting married after a recklessly-short engagement (zero regrets; marriage is the best).
We live in his house, and he pays the mortgage, though really our finances are combined. Technically, I still pay the mortgage on my house, though, again, our finances are fluid.
He doesn’t love the arrangement I have with my friend, feels friend is taking advantage, and that ultimately he’s the one paying for her to live in my house (because he’s the one who pays our mortgage and utilities, so that I don’t have to – though I have offered to pay half.
It’s so fluid, though, he says it doesn’t really matter).
I see his point, but also, the housing market in my city is INSANE, and there is no way a friend can find a dog-friendly rental for $1,100 these days, and she left her place to help me (and herself).
I also made this agreement before I met my husband, and he knew about it going into our marriage.
After a year of no rent, I finally asked her to kick in $1,100 toward the mortgage (and said she was free to take in a roommate/rent out the extra bedrooms).
She has missed 2/4 months and my husband is frustrated. I want to just passively wait things out to the end of the two years (7 more months) and take whatever money she can pay. I sincerely believe if she could pay more, she would.
Hubby feels we’re robbed of our collective future, that the context has changed dramatically since friend and I made the initial agreement because also (plot twist!) I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer on 11/21… which isn’t cheap.
And we aren’t wealthy, though we’re fine. We’re two teachers who have just worked a ton and saved really intentionally – especially him.
If friend wasn’t there, we could easily rent out the place for more than the mortgage, but even if we just broke even, that’s over $33,000… which is, you know, eye-watering.
AITJ/Is there any way not to be the jerk?
PS: Hubby isn’t controlling; best friend isn’t greedy. I’m super-Midwestern and conflict turns me into the human equivalent of curdled milk, and I’m guessing both my best-people feel betrayed.
ETA: We’re through the worst of treatment, so it makes sense that husband is thinking about the long-term future now that we’re a little more sure there will be one.
My plan is to stand by the spirit of the original agreement (she takes care of the place and saves as much as she can in 2 years) because there really isn’t a dollar value I can put in our friendship. That being said, our circumstances have changed, so if she can kick in toward the mortgage, wonderful, but priority #1 is making sure she’s ready to leave in 7 months.
I also realize that discussion needs to happen now. Like right now.
I’m being a jerk to my husband, but when he married me, he knew I had my own mortgage, independent of whether or not friend was living there (he also knew about and initially supported the agreement I had with friend).
Are there ways to mitigate that cost? Totally, but nothing is guaranteed. Maybe the housing market collapses and no one can rent. Maybe the house is invaded by mutant tarantulas and isn’t habitable. In any case, I’m still responsible for that mortgage and have been for the entirety of our relationship.
The only upshot is building equity and knowing that we can sell the house for more of a profit than what I’ve wasted by not charging rent.”
Another User Comments:
“I think actually, no jerks here.
You made a deal with your friend that you don’t want to go back on.
That is commendable.
Your husband is dealing with the emotional strain of watching someone he loves go through something terrifying and not being able to do anything about it. He’s trying to take control of one area that he thinks he CAN be useful: Finances.
That is understandable.
He is correct that, financially, it makes no sense to take a loss on a property when you are steadily accruing medical debt.
You are correct that it would be a jerk move to kick out your close friend ‘who is also dealing with a ton of medical debt’ 7 months prior to your previously agreed-upon move-out date.
Unless you can come to some kind of a mutually-acceptable compromise that doesn’t completely shaft your friend, I think you’re going to just have to agree to disagree for the time being.” Nimindir
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. And your friend is taking advantage of you.
She should have been paying some amount of rent from the beginning. And now she should be paying the full amount. I get she has debt but so so many people and we make it work. Also, she’s an adult and not your child.
It’s unfair to your husband that he has to pay everything while you pay your friend’s rent. I get that you tried offering money and he said no. But he is probably trying to make it so you are not broke. But he is right if you weren’t paying your friend’s rent you would have more money to pay for other things.
And you asked your friend to pay rent and it sounds like she doesn’t always pay. How long are you going to let her get away with that?” noonecaresat805
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s an all-around tough situation. Personally, I would say that you made a two-year deal with her and you should stick to it.
Okay, that said, you could use the rent and she’s not paying regularly. Your husband is trying to look out for your collective future. If I were you, I’d sit down with your friend and talk things over. This is between you and her, so leave your husband out of it.
Hopefully, you can work it out and it may come down to waiting seven months or giving her a long notice for finding a new place. Like the end of January. The fact is you have medical bills, too.” corgihuntress
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, not for the initial arrangement when you were not married, but for continuing it although your husband isn’t in agreement.
And he is 100% correct about all the points he brings up. You are being unfair to him and placing your friend’s ‘needs’ above making sound financial agreements. I think your husband has been fair and patient, I think your friend is taking advantage of the situation because it isn’t your responsibility to support her.
I think you and your husband need to make decisions together about the home you rent to your friend.” Gladtobealive2020
1. AITJ For Wanting To Come With My Husband To Japan?
“I (28F) Have been married to my husband ‘Peter’ (28M) for 5 years. Shortly after getting married we went to France and it was such an amazing time, but that’s the only time we have ever traveled. I’ve always wanted to go to Japan and brought it up countless times but Peter has always been reluctant at best. He’s given a couple of reasons over the years but it being a drastically different culture than what we are used to and money have been the most recurring.
We hadn’t done much of anything due to the global crisis obviously but with places opening up and stuff I’ve been asking again, he still’s not sold. But he did agree to go on a trip a few weeks ago to the Packers’ last game on their home field(He grew up there) for a few days, and it stung that he agreed to that so easily but is reluctant to travel with me somewhere romantic…
I’ll admit I got desperate and at the moment bought plane tickets to Tokyo, Japan, at the same timeframe his trip was and surprised him with it. He actually seemed interested until he learned the dates, and then said no because of his already made plans.
I asked him if he was really going to choose his friends/family over an amazing time with me and he said yes because I was not respecting his plans and called me a jerk. He left, I was and still am heartbroken and I could not get a refund so I took our kid and me to my parents.
I’m still there now, but I let our son come back to him because school is closer to our house, but I told him I won’t see or speak to him until he agrees to travel with me literally ANYWHERE at this point. We’re currently at something of an impasse.
My parents are letting me stay but are calling me a huge brat for acting like this, but do I deserve to be vilified just for wanting to do something fun as a couple? We haven’t done anything in years! AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“Not necessarily the jerk for wanting to travel somewhere, but YTJ for the extremely crappy way you are going about it. You really come across as manipulative and spiteful in this story.
I don’t know what you were thinking, were you trying to guilt him with those nonrefundable tickets to get him to go?
It was a crappy tactic and you’re paying the price for it.
And this game you’re playing by refusing to come back home unless he agrees to go may very well ruin the idea of traveling together FOREVER. Seriously, how are you two going to have any fun on a trip that he was basically forced to go on because you threatened your own marriage?
Is that really what you want?” TheAshenDemon4
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Respect your partner when they have plans. It sounds like they already had a plan for their trip to Japan.
I do also think you and your husband need to connect and have a serious chat about your request for travel and request to spend some quality time together.
It’s not a right to travel together, it’s a privilege and can be an expensive one especially when you have kids and need to arrange childcare to leave them behind. There are other ways you and your husband can spend time together closer to home and bring the romance back – as you mentioned you want some romantic time with him.
Quality time is more than just traveling overseas. Quality time is just that – time you can both dedicate to being together.
Go home. Apologize to your husband for acting irrationally and raise your concerns about not spending quality time together and wanting to travel together.” awkward_red
Another User Comments:
“You are not the jerk for wanting to travel to a different country, but YTJ for not considering your husband’s side of the situation more. It seems like this idea of going to Japan is too one-sided, and you admit that your husband’s reluctance was from the different culture and the costs of the trip.
These are valid reasons to not want to visit a foreign country, but they don’t seem like good enough reasons for you.
As for him wanting to place where he grew up, it would make more sense to go there than to go somewhere he’s never been before.
It’s familiar to him. Instead of insisting on going to Japan with him, you should’ve asked someone else. Or if you want to travel with him, then it would be best to pick a destination that you both agree on without hesitation.” compositionaquarius
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Adoption is final. You have yhe final say.
But if she and the fathers still have their parental rights then she can walk in the courthouse and say she wants to terminate a voluntary guardianship she has with you.
If there are no legal charges against her or if she's not under investigation where yhe children are in foster care the judge has NO legal reason to keep her children from her.
She isn't doing anything illegal.
We know she's obviously been an absent parent. But she showed great care for the kids by leaving them with you and not dropping them off to be adopted.
Talk to your attorney. Fid out your state laws regarding guardianship. Protect yourself from her walking in to pick up her kids. If you call the police they might take the kids into foster care until a judge can start an investigation into her current status.
Keep track of her calls. What is said. Keep them journal style in your handwriting or record every conversation.
If she's not working, homeless, not mentally stable, and other things the court might give her a list of things to do then they have to give the woman her children.
You need to find out if there is anything illegal going on. If there is, and it can be proven then you need to turn her in. You have to be careful though. If it's only hearsay then the police will look at you like you're a troublemaker.