People Want Our Two Cents On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
16. AITJ For Refusing To Drop My Brother Off To School?
“Brother (18M) started his first year at Uni and is doing a full-time Computer Science degree—meaning he has a full course load distributed online and in person. I (22F) am finishing my last year at uni and focusing on a significant research project for the Honours degree. I still live with my parents at home (fortunate enough to have decent parents who aren’t out to kick me until I finish my degree), onto the dilemma.
As he grew, he became pretty self-centered and ignorant of what happened to anyone else. He’s always busy programming, playing video games, and doing more school work. I say he’s self-centered because recently, my mom was diagnosed with Thyroid cancer, and the news rocked my world. Despite her successful surgery and getting better, I still care for her, make sure she takes her medications on time, and help at the family business despite having a busy schedule because I don’t want her working excessively.
Well, my brother, on the other hand, doesn’t do any good. He cared enough to show concern when we first got the news, but he didn’t bother helping after seeing she wouldn’t die. His excuse? ‘Oh, I’m busy with school; I’m doing classes five days a week.’ It’s like he forgot; I know what it’s like having a full course load. The difference is that I learned to manage my time to stay on top of my work, help around the house, do my side hobbies, etc.
I decided to make this post because of an incident that happened yesterday that, once again, showed me just how self-centered he is.
I usually always do my work on my laptop since I often travel for my research. But due to the health crisis, my prof limited the time needed at the lab, so I mainly work from home. Yesterday I asked him if he could sleep in the guest room because I needed to use the computer and planned to stay up late finishing my project.
I needed the computer because he has a large monitor with Windows 11, meaning I can split view more than two screens, which helps a lot since I have like 50 tabs open. He refused.
I tried to compromise and told him he could wake me up early to attend his morning class but let me work overnight. I just needed it for one night. He kept refusing, and at that point, I was fed up.
It was a combination of school, work, getting transferred back and forth between the doctor’s office and pharmacy because they screwed up my mom’s prescription. I just left and told him not to expect me to drop or pick him up anymore. I told my mother this too, but she didn’t take it seriously, and so today, when she told me to drop him off, I refused.
I didn’t care that he would get late or that he’d miss out on an important lab. I’d had enough. Everyone thinks I’m a jerk over not getting the computer for one night, but that’s not it. It’s an accumulation of all the times he refused to help. It’s like the little turd forgot I’m his older sister and not a stranger. This isn’t as serious as other posts, but I’d like to know if I truly am the jerk in this situation.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the younger sibling usually is looked over by older sibling in many households BUT that is contingent on respect.
Meaning the younger must be respectful to older. That is not happening here. He isn’t helping at all or respecting your needs and time and expecting you to help him when he would not do the same. Therefore no respect. So you don’t owe him anything as he is ungrateful and disrespectful.” Alienne8r
Another User Comments:
“Hmm. I mean, little brothers can be turds but I don’t think your anger towards him is justified.
You’re upset that, overall, he’s acting like your mother’s child? He is. Neither of you should have had your life turned upside down over the news. I’m so sorry you upturned yours, but your mother is not your burden. She isn’t your partner, she’s your parent. Her troubles are for her and her own partner to manage. Not saying you shouldn’t care and make gestures, but you’re stretching yourself thin.
It’s becoming a problem. Children, even if adults, shouldn’t have their lives re-routed over a parent’s issues. I know that’s not culturally universal, but think of how much it is hurting you – how much it’s making you resent your brother. How much it’s making you feel entitled to things from him because that’s how you think it works now; that you give everything up for each other.
That’s not really how it should work. It’s not healthy because the power levels are different and compromises will never break even. I don’t like saying YTJ because it’s not your fault you were raised to think that way, so no jerks here.” Still_Association
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I grew up Asian-adjacent (in Honolulu, my adoptive father and his family are all Filipino) and understand the strong cultural norm of doing for your family, taking care of each other. The thing is, it should be reciprocal, and there should be respect and gratitude for the person who is helping them. When that doesn’t happen, it’s understandable that you are just done being taken advantage of. That’s a life lesson for him– don’t bite the hand that drives you to school.” pdxflwerpwer
15. AITJ For Refusing To Be My Sister's Guarantor?
“My sister’s landlady is selling her house. She has a child and two dogs. She needs to leave in approximately a week or so (nothing illegal on the landlady’s behalf, she’s had plenty of notice.)
When she first found out she asked me if I could be a guarantor. I said I don’t think I’ll be able to. I went back to uni this year, I only work part-time and I also pay my own rent.
She seemed annoyed at my answer but we didn’t discuss it further. I don’t know why she thinks I could be a guarantor, or how she even thinks I’m financially able to do so. I’m not in much debt or anything but trying to live on minimum wage whilst funding full-time study is bloody hard.
She can’t get a good credit score or anything reputable money-wise because she’s heavily in debt.
She got bank card after bank card when she was 18 (she’s now 30), she owes to every avenue you could think of, so now the consequences are that she can’t find anywhere to live yet because she’s untrustworthy with finances.
She also knows that I haven’t been to work for the past month, I haven’t had any sick pay so I’ve been without a wage.
She called me yesterday and asked me again.
I said I can’t. I said even if I could, I don’t think I’d really want to.
We started arguing. She thinks I now have this mentality where I think I’m better than her, and how I’m selfish, and how I know that she’d help me out if I needed to. It got quite heated and I called my mum after, I tend to do this after I’ve argued with her because more often than not we argue and I have to just accept that I’m in the wrong when I’m absolutely right about something/anything.
I hate arguing with her so I just let her win every time. But this time I didn’t. I gave her my reasons. She built up this idea that I’m doing it because I’m better than her(?) and that I’m selfish etc. So anyway, I called my mum just to let it out, I cried a little bit and my mum turned around and said ‘well you are being pretty selfish’.
I didn’t really know how to respond so I asked her why and she pretty much just summed it up to how I’d rather see her out on the street than be her guarantor.
I can’t afford it. I wouldn’t be able to pay my own rent if anything went wrong. She doesn’t have a stable income so there’s a high chance it could happen, plus she isn’t very trustworthy so she probably would use it to fall back on all the time even though she promises that she won’t.
That means I’d be the one losing my home. It really upset me that my mum agreed with her, I’m absolutely not asking her to take my side but I at least thought she’d understand my reasons.
It’s the same reason why I won’t lend anyone. I mean I lend the odd bit every now and again, but I can’t be responsible for someone else’s rent if they don’t pay it.
What annoys me the most is that I think they both have this impression that I’m really good with finances. I’m not. My sister gets paid more than me. I just also don’t need to borrow as much as they do.
ETA: Mum can’t be a guarantor even if she wanted to because she is also in debt. Sister could move in but they live very far away from each other so my nephew would need to move schools and she’d have to get rid of the dogs which nephew would be devastated about.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She is not entitled to dump her financial problems on you when she decides not to pay her bills and debts. Go ahead and let them think you are selfish. But realize that you are not. It’s smart to say no when the person is already proven untrustworthy. If your mom is SO worried about it then let her sign those documents for her other daughter.
Your mom just wants to guilt you into doing it so she doesn’t have to put her own money sown the line. You are NOT your sister’s ATM or cosigner.
Don’t cosign or guarantee anything for her ever. If she wants to repair her credit she needs to start taking those steps and paying off her debt. Her inability to be responsible for herself doesn’t constitute an emergency on your part.
You don’t owe your sibling your future financial stability. You also DO NOT want to tie your credit score to her poor choices, or risk your own ability to get loans and your own credit cards now or in the future.
Don’t ever be her guarantor. She is NOT entitled to demand that you do so. And I highly suggest telling her no to moving in with you when she becomes homeless.
If you let her in, getting her back out will be a nightmare. Just say no and be the villain of her story. It may be what she needs to get herself in gear.” depressivedarling
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are not required to set yourself on fire for your sister (who is being irrational). Your sister needs to learn how to fix her own mess. Why doesn’t she start by moving in with your mother to start with? Is her child’s father in the picture? Maybe the father’s family could take the child in while your sister gets her act together.
You cannot get blood out of a turnip. You need to be able to pay your own bills. And for crying out loud, do not even consider taking her into your own apartment because you will never get rid of her and she would also expect you to take care of her child.” Avebury1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Look, your sis made some bad calls and that’s on her to pay the consequences.
Welcome to real life, sis. But you’ve said you usually give in and good on you for standing your ground on this one. She could realistically put you in debt and since she’s apparently bad with finances, that’s a big concern. You don’t have the income and that’s final. Calling you selfish is their way of trying to control you and manipulate the situation in the sister’s favor. Sis is 30, time to clean up her act and get it together.” iphoenixrising
14. AITJ For Not Taking In My Fiancée's Niece And Nephew?
“My fiancée’s sister and mother just passed away in an accident, and her sister left behind her 6-year-old son and daughter, and my fiancée pretty much immediately started talking about flying the kids here to move in with us. I have never been interested in having kids (I have nothing against kids in general, I just personally don’t want to raise or live with any kids), and have always been very clear on that, and I thought my fiancée was the same.
So I reiterated my stance on having kids and said I’m not going to change my mind on that now.
My fiancée claims we’re the only people who can take in these kids, which seems strange because she has a brother, who has the bonus of living close to where the kids have been living so they wouldn’t even have to change schools. My fiancée says her brother can’t take them because of finances and being too busy, though I’m sure he could do it if he really wanted to, I’m pretty sure you get support from the government for taking in orphaned kids if you need financial help.
Also, he’s about to inherit a lot from his mom.
I said if my fiancée insists on taking in these kids, we will no longer be compatible and we’ll, unfortunately, have to end the relationship and she’ll have to move out of my place. She’s mad that I’m making her choose between me and the kids, even though there’s really nothing else I can do because I simply am not going to take in these kids, I just have zero interest in raising kids.
I think it’s completely unfair to expect me to upturn my life for 2 random kids I’ve never even met just because her brother can’t be bothered.
She claims I’m basically saying the kids have to go to foster care or I’ll kick her out and leave her with nowhere to go and 2 kids to care for, which is a bit dramatic because again, they have an uncle who I bet could take them in with a bit of effort, and if she really must be the one to take them she could just move into her mom’s old place or her sister’s old place.
She’s also saying that I’m basically threatening to break up with her and kick her out right after her mom and sister died, but I don’t see that I had a lot of choices since she was ready to bring 2 kids into my place, and it was either tell her my stance now or wait until she’d already moved them in. AITJ?
ETA: the childrens’ father is unknown.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
And THIS is why I made my stance clear with my fiancé before we got engaged. This is not a conversation that’s best had after a tragedy and when there are life-altering decisions to be made rather quickly. There is a LOT to consider when taking in kids.
She may be very presumptuous that she could uproot her nephews and move them into your house without much prior discussion, or even discussing how you’re going to manage to raise 2 traumatized kids you just ripped away from their known environment.
It’s a complete lifestyle overhaul. Your working hours will have to adjust, your finances need to be redone to include school, therapy, essentials, and extracurriculars. The life you have now will not resemble close to what your life with kids will be to raise them correctly. Can you even afford the kids? If you don’t have them it’s easy to underestimate their expenses.
She’s not a jerk for wanting to take in the kids, but she may also not be fully aware of what taking them in means, especially if she’s never looked after kids for longer than a weekend.
And you’re not a jerk for sticking to your stance. You’ve never met these kids, you haven’t saved or planned for any kids, you don’t live close to these kids. And these kids will need more resources and care than other kids their age. And if you truly don’t want kids and can’t see yourself having a positive outlook on this, bringing them into your home may do more damage than good.
Frankly, I think flying the kids over to you and uprooting their lives is the worst possible idea right now. I think the idea of your fiancée moving to her sister’s house or asking her brother to take for them until she gets things in place is the best solution for now. But you two no longer have compatible goals.” Summoning-Freaks
Another User Comments:
“It’s the whole thing some childfree people have where not only is being childfree their whole personality but even having to look at a child in an emergency is huge ‘burden.’ Also feels like the same mindset as ‘why should I have to pay more taxes to support poor people or why should I get immunized if I’m healthy?’
It is fine to say you never wanted kids and you haven’t changed your mind.
It’s fine if this ends the relationship.
But IMO, not agreeing to take the kids in while you guys figure out the future makes you a heartless jerk. You wanted to marry this person, that means these kids would be your family. They just lost their mother and grandmother and your fianceé lost her sister and mom.
I can’t imagine being the kind of person who says I’d rather my niece and nephew go to foster care than live with me, even on a temporary basis.
It’s hard for me to imagine not wanting kids so much that you’d leave your partner because of a tragic event that made them unexpectedly responsible for two children.
My best friend is childfree. I have three kids. My husband and I have plenty of families to take them and already have a plan in place, but god forbid something happened… if my friend and his partner were the only ones who could take them, they of course would.
He is the godfather to my youngest. You can be childfree without acting like children are a scourge upon the earth.
I mean, imagine being those kids. Your primary caregiver just died and now you are grieving and have no one to take care of you and everyone in your family takes one look and says no, too much trouble. They are innocent in this.
In short Op, YTJ, and I can only hope the next time you are suffering you find exactly as much empathy as you have shown your ex-fiance and their grieving family.
At least I am reassured that you will not be passing your genes on to the next generation.” KitLlwynog
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I realize some comments disagree with how you handled the situation, and they maintain you should have been kinder, but it seems your fiancée wouldn’t have taken any for an answer- you would have come home one day with two small children in your house against your wishes.
Feeling trapped and resentful, and being made out to be the bad guy is no way for you to live. And if she was truly concerned for her niece and nephew, she wouldn’t put them in that position in the first place.
Kids are a huge commitment, especially if they’re an unexpected responsibility as in your fiancée’s situation. The adults in the situation have to be all-in to make the new arrangement work.
It’s tragic that your fiancée’s mother and sister died, leaving two small children behind, but you should not be made to feel guilty for making yourself heard and standing your ground. You were right to head this off before she went off to collect the kids: Your fiancée’s response to her grief is to go into problem-solving mode and rescue her niece and nephew. It is unfair of her to expect you to raise two children when you had been clear about being child-free from the start.
This is not like bringing home a stray dog after being adamant about not bringing pets home- these are growing humans that require a lot of time, attention, patience, guidance, and nurturing (and likely some kind of grief therapy). Children aren’t for everyone, a tough lesson even some parents have learned.
You were blunt, yes, but she wouldn’t have heeded any of your protestations if you sugar-coated your stance.
You show any kind of wishy-washiness, and she would have considered that permission. Since you’re not the one in mourning, you’re able to see the larger picture. You gave your fiancée the reasonable option of having their uncle take them in, who, as you pointed out, lives closer to their current location. You also told her that bringing them to live with you all was not an option and would mean the end of your relationship.
Blunt, but you laid it out there for her.” SilentCounter6750
13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Live With An Addict?
“I (21F) live with my partner, 24m, his toddler son, and toddler’s mother, 28f.
For context- baby mama (let’s call her Sarah) only dates women, so no attraction or awkwardness there. Their son was the result of an experiment before my time, and they’re just really good friends now. Living together means they can both equally be there for their son. I get along really well with Sarah, and living all together in one house has been going amazingly for the last 8 months.
Sarah sat us down this week and asked if her childhood friend ‘Molly’ could move in permanently. Molly has just gotten out of prison on aggravated assault and substance charges, due to addiction. Also separate from the charges, when she owed her dealer coins, she gave up Sarah’s mum’s address as somewhere to rob.
Molly has gotten clean and will have to have regular substance testing and go straight back to prison if anything turns up in her tests.
Sarah strongly believes in giving Molly a second chance, and thinks living with us will give her a stable environment to stay off the illegal substances and rebuild her life.
Molly is currently spending the weekend with us as a trial to see how we get along.
I’m not comfortable with it at all. As a person, Molly seems lovely, but I don’t feel like I should put myself, my house, or my belongings at risk for someone else’s rehabilitation.
I know that addiction can make people do awful things and steal from their friends and loved ones. I don’t want to feel like I have to keep all my valuables under lock and key. I just keep thinking about what would happen if she got back into illegal stuff, or messed with the wrong gang member, or someone from her old life found out where she was living now – especially with my partner’s son living here.
I also am very introverted, and just don’t want another flatmate at all, so that could be coloring my decision.
My partner thinks because Molly will have weekly substance tests it’ll be fine, and as mentioned above Sarah really wants to give her a second chance, so I’m the only one opposed to it.
Am I being a selfish jerk for not wanting to live with an addict?
UPDATE:
We’ve only just sat down and had a conversation about it a week later.
The weekend went okay, I was working for most of it, but the house just felt overly full and there was definitely an uneasy dynamic. Molly seemed like a nice person, so no personality issues, but I just wasn’t comfortable.
I told Sarah I’d given it a lot of thought, and definitely felt for Molly, but I wasn’t willing to give up my space and felt it would harm our dynamic which was working really well up until now.
Sarah actually agreed, and we discussed how an extra person would throw off her son’s routine. She’s going to tell Molly our landlord said no to an extra person to avoid that awkward conversation, so I think Molly was putting a bit of pressure on Sarah to let her live with us.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’m kinda surprised at the willingness to bring this person around the child.
She got clean cause she had no choice, if she didn’t get convicted I’m sure Molly would still be old Molly.
So since she didn’t kick the habit by choice, I’d say there is a pretty big chance of the poor girl falling back into temptation, especially if she’s in contact with anyone from her old crowd.
I don’t think a weekend will really give you an insight as to how she’ll respond to everyone long term, so even though it’s an uncomfortable thought I’d be extended the trial run to possibly a week.
You’ll see more habits, or what boundaries you’ll need to set in the long run
Like does she clean? Will she help with rent when able? Will she help cook? Does she have contact with anyone from her old crowd? The last one would be a dealbreaker if the answer is yes.” latefordinner__
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. As a former addict, I totally understand your stance. Relapses are (unfortunately) a thing that happens and on top of that, if you owe people money they’re not gonna call off the debt just ’cause you’re not actively using any more, which can continue to lead to sticky situations even throughout recovery.
You’re not in the wrong for being cautious about those things, especially while there’s a child in the house. I do object somewhat to your use of terms but not enough to call you a jerk for it.
Sarah isn’t in the wrong either, though. In fact, giving an addict a safe, clean place to recover is about the best thing someone in their support system can do.
Happens way too often that addicts mostly have friends who are other addicts so when they choose to get sober they face the choice of ‘do it alone’ or ‘do it surrounded by temptation’. Both are basically roads to relapse. Sarah being able to provide a space where Molly can get clean with support and without temptation is a really valuable resource for Molly but, as I said, it’s completely understandable for you as someone who has no attachment to her to be wary of having an unpredictable recovering addict you’ve never really met in your home. I hope you guys are able to reach some compromise or agreement in which this works out for all of you.” mrflann21
12. AITJ For Not Helping At Work?
“My job has constant callouts and no-shows. That results in employees having to do more than one job at a time. It sucks but no biggie. The manager is a sweetheart and does his best to work with people and around hiccups.
I work 1st shift. It’s usually very hectic and physical so I’m tired when I get off. Because of callouts/no-shows, I’m always asked to stay till ‘the next person comes in.’ I always say no.
When it’s time to go, I’m leaving. Every time, the shift manager on duty gets an attitude with me and tries to argue that I’m not a team player. That I won’t help when I’m needed and it reflects badly on me. I always say I’ve done my part. I show up for my scheduled shift and pull my weight. If I stay, I have no idea what time I’ll get off.
It’s no guarantee someone will show up at a reasonable time either. I shouldn’t be punished for someone else when I’ve done my job.
Today the manager said I can leave but she’ll write me up for abandoning my shift. I got annoyed and told her if she does I won’t come in tomorrow and left. My coworker text me saying I was a jerk because I know we’re short and the manager was right to be mad at me.
They need help during the time I’m leaving and I’m a bigger jerk if I don’t come in because I’d put more strain on them. AITJ for not helping them?
Edit: I talked to the GM and he agrees with me. He was actually furious the shift manager would try to pull this. He said he’ll handle matters with her and I won’t have to worry about write-ups or being asked to stay, especially when I’ve done what I’m supposed to and more.
I really love that guy. He’s what makes me stay”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, obviously. If you show up on time and give it your all when you work your shift, you’re morally in the clear. You’re not a manager, and scheduling is not your responsibility.
That said, is this a serious job where you plan on staying for a long period of time, or one where you actually want to advance or continue to work in the field? If it’s not serious and you’re just working to pay the bills, then you’re fine and ignore the next paragraph.
If this is a serious job, then despite not being the jerk you’re still shooting yourself in the foot. Your manager isn’t exactly wrong that you’re not being a team player. Assuming that they’re paying you for the extra time and not just looking for free labor, occasionally saying yes when you’re asked to stay and help out is in your best long-term interests if you really care about the job.” Mithrander_Grey
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This seems to be something that happens in all areas of all kinds of places. Too often managers and supervisors enjoy the prestige of their position and the increased pay but they are not willing to take on the arduous task of dealing with one or more bad employees.
This is not your problem. You should not be expected to fill in where other employees are lacking if your management is not willing to deal with substandard work from those employees.
Think of it this way, if you continue to give extra effort and stay on after your shift, why would those managers have any motivation to deal with the bad employees?
If you have worked your entire shift, you are entitled to leave at the end of your workday and you are not under any obligation to stay unless you signed a contract stating you would work mandatory overtime under certain conditions.” LuvLaughLive
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I wish I knew before working that you can say ‘no’ for covering people. Because often, those people who constantly miss work won’t cover for you. I can speak from experience.
Opening shifts are tough and tiring–especially when you have to cover for other people’s work. And having to stay until who knows when is ridiculous! What if you have something important scheduled? Do they say you’re not being a team player? Those people who keep on doing no-shows aren’t being teamed players, and they should be the ones who are punished! Don’t stores have a no-show policy? They should be fired!
As well, they are putting you and others in danger.
If you’re overtired you should not be working!
Whenever someone accuses another person of not being a team player, what they’re really accusing them of is not bending to their will, refusing to let them cross your boundaries, not saying ‘yes’, and doing what’s easy for them, but not right.
And do you have a maximum hour of shifts? Does your job pay overtime? You might be getting fooled. And for budgeting reasons, they could use it as an excuse to cut down your hours later in the fiscal period because you’ve covered for everyone. So what you’re doing is smart.
Find another job, OP. Find one that respects its workers and actually rewards the ones who do their job and doesn’t enable the ones who don’t.” starvinartist
11. AITJ For Wanting My Mother-In-Law To Leave Something For My Daughter In Her Will?
“I (F51) have two daughters, aged 23 and 16. My older daughter is not biologically related to my husband but she was only 2 when he came into our lives. She has no contact with her sperm donor and my husband legally adopted her and raised her as his own alongside our younger daughter. She calls him dad and her younger sister is just her sister, we never refer to them as half-sisters.
My mother-in-law was diagnosed with a terminal illness just over a year ago and she recently redid her will. She informed us that she would be leaving a significant portion of the money to go to our younger daughter’s college fund, for which we were very grateful. However, when we asked if she would do the same for our older daughter she said she wouldn’t be leaving her anything.
I was dumbfounded as to why she would leave out one of her grandchildren, when we spoke to my husband’s brother he said all three of his children were getting the same as my younger daughter.
When we questioned my MIL she said it was because our eldest had already graduated, which doesn’t make sense because my brother-in-law’s sons is is 27 and 24 and they are getting the same amount as my younger daughter.
My husband and I decided to ask MIL to include our older daughter in her will and that the amount could be used to pay her student loans, but she refused and said we were being greedy and ungrateful for her generosity. AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for wanting this.
But be strategic. You don’t want your MIL to cut off your husband and both children out of spite.
So it may be foolish to push the issue.
If your husband is getting a share, it may be reasonable to pass his share on to your older daughter, if the two of you don’t need it, or to use a portion to pay off some or all of her student loans.
And while your MIL is not obligated to give your older daughter anything, she’s a jerk for excluding the older daughter, especially since she’s legally adopted.
Also, be aware that the wording of a will is very specific. If your MIL wrote ‘I leave $X to be divided among my grandchildren’ the law won’t distinguish between adopted and blood children of her children, and you don’t want to draw her attention to this.” Jazzlike_Humor3340
Another User Comments:
“She’s entitled to do whatever she wants with her money. It obviously sucks and I feel bad for your older daughter, but all you’re doing is screwing your younger daughter out of the inheritance. Don’t push it. Let it go. Everyone sucks here.” Short_Razzmatazz_376
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You asked and she said no, beyond that you are a jerk for pushing, she is dying and you’re bothering her about her will. If she only wants to leave blood family money that is her choice. You asked her once now let it go” Juice_Of_The_Orange
10. AITJ For Not Forgiving My Father Who's Ill?
“I (30F) went to NC with my father (54M) about six years ago for good reasons. He is a self-destructive heavy-drinker and also quite abusive, and he and I have a dark past together because of which I had to grow up too quickly and miss out on a lot of my childhood; I also blacked out my life from 14 to 17 and according to my therapist it’s a coping mechanism.
About a year ago he was diagnosed with ALS and the doctors said he might have five years left. Might. Even they are unsure about this prognosis and he will go through a lot of pain before eventually passing.
My brother (26M) and sister (18F) are the ones who told me that he will soon pass away and they really struggle with the idea. My brother had bad memories of our father being a heavy-drinker but our mother had custody so it wasn’t so bad for him and my sister is too young to remember his (darker) phase and lots of things he said and done.
Now that he is dying, they both begged me to come and talk to him, even once, so I can tell him that I forgive him and he can die in peace. My brother even offered to drive me home as soon as we are done talking so I don’t stay over for dinner or anything.
But I don’t want him to die in peace. I want him to realize that he lost his eldest child because of his abusive behavior and selfishness.
I want him to struggle with painful realizations when he looks back on his life. I want him to know how bad he messed up and take my silence as proof that not everyone can be bought by his moolah, which I suspect to be the main reason why everyone is so inclined to tell him what he wants to hear.
AITJ for not forgiving my lifelong abuser just so he can go in peace ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ a million times over
You are not a jerk.
You are someone who (through absolutely no fault of your own) was put into a horrible situation and forced to make a choice that has no good options.
There are only two alternatives, and they’re both heartbreaking, emotionally devastating options. All you can do is pick the option that you feel in your heart (at this moment in your life) is the best choice for your own personal emotional well-being – nobody else’s.
As long as you do that, you’re making the right choice no matter what it is. You have no obligation to anyone but yourself.
I’m sure you know this, but I’ll say it anyway… no matter which choice you make, you will probably second guess it periodically for a long time. Maybe even the rest of your life. Try to be prepared for that, and when the times come that you regret whichever choice you make (and those moments will probably come), please don’t beat up on yourself.
Try to remember that at the time, you made your choice in good faith, and did the best you could do with what you had to work with. No matter what happens, you are not the one to blame.
I hesitate to say this next part because I don’t want to say anything that might influence your choice. And that’s not the question you asked. But I will share the choice I made when I was faced with a similar dilemma – one which involved my mother, not my father.
She was a truly despicable, soul-less person, almost inhuman. An abusive narcissist, incapable of love, and that’s honestly the most complementary thing I can say about her.
As a Buddhist, I struggled badly with the decision, but in the end, I chose to visit her and force out a few nice words. All I will say is that I did not and do not regret doing that.
Somehow I was able to find compassion, and with compassion I found forgiveness. And in forgiveness, I found redemption and some degree of closure. I’m not saying that’s what you should do; just saying that’s what felt right to me, and I am glad that it did.
Good luck to you… I don’t envy the position you are in.” Unseen_Owl
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
But I urge you to discuss this with your therapist.
For your own sake, I wonder if it wouldn’t be better to see him and tell him that he did a lot of lasting damage. Or at least see the diminished shell he must be, to decrease the size of him in your imagination.
I absolutely do not think you should tell him he’s forgiven unless he really is. That would be one more act of violence against you.
Your siblings are very unfair to ask it of you.
For what it’s worth, as someone nearly twice your age, I’ve found that vindictiveness and spite are toxic. They take up a lot of psychic real estate, and they don’t affect the people who have earned them. Processing the hurts and then moving on is healthier for you.
And I can say that from experience. I did speak to my father before he passed away.
By then, I could see him as acting out of his own damaged personhood, so I wasn’t cruel about it, but I did talk to him. It was valuable to me, even though it didn’t resolve anything, really.
Anyway, I’m very sorry you’ve experienced this.” MarkedHeart
Another User Comments:
“Truth be told. a lot of people are going to say your reasoning is ‘mean’, but I honestly see it was fully justified and part of the reason I don’t believe in the whole, ‘I’m dying, it’s time to forgive me’ nonsense.
He isn’t owed forgiveness just because the cycle of life continued to turn without his approval. He would have died one day or another, but now that he has an actual schedule he thinks he can get a resolution on his own time which is unto itself pretty conceited. He can’t unmake decades worth of nonsense with a diagnosis.
If you ever do come to terms with the situation it should be in your own time and on your terms, not his. I’ll also add if you ever find it in yourself to ‘let go of the anger’ or to ‘forgive’ none of those things require a face-to-face meeting with him because he’s simply not entitled to be a part of your mental health journey.
NTJ.” PristineEarth6067
9. AITJ For Collecting Rent From One Child And Not The Other?
“I and partner have 2 children, let’s call them Alex and Joey. We told them a long time ago that as long as they are studying, we will be paying for their school and basic necessities. If they stop studying and decide to work, however, as long as they live in our house, they would pay rent, which is somewhat cheaper than the market rate. We are pretty well off and do not need their money, this is just our way to motivate them to pursue further studies, choices are entirely up to them.
Alex had been working for the past 8 years, struggling so with minimum wages because they had been doing badly in school and decided to quit and start working. Joey, on the other hand, had finished a degree and is going to pursue a master’s. During school break, Joey worked for their allowance and had a higher salary than Alex.
Alex had always been quite unhappy with the arrangement, saying Joey should be paying rent too when Joey earns much more, and instead we collected only from Alex who had not much to spend after rent.
We told Alex that this had been our arrangement since the beginning, and if Alex decide to return to school, we would gladly pay for their expenses so they can study without worrying about money. Alex would turn it down, saying they are too old for school.
A while ago, a huge argument broke out between Alex and Joey. Joey bought something that Alex had always wanted, but could not afford, and had Alex took it as a personal insult.
I tried to diffuse it and then Alex turned it on me instead, saying that we have always favored Joey (I do not agree) and we don’t understand how hard it is for them to save up for something they like, only for their sibling to buy it after a few months work. Alex brought up the rent again and demanded that we should be fair – either collect rent from both of them or none of them.
I told Alex again if they decided to go back to school they could also work allowance like Joey, or they could move out if they are so unhappy, since Alex is way past adult age.
I and my partner think that we are being fair to both of our children, but what do you think? Would be helpful to hear from 3rd person’s perspective.
Edit: Some points to clarify
Alex is not pushed to further studies and can choose practical courses which we would have considered as schooling and provide for.
Alex does not want any of those and chose to stay in their current job.
Alex’s rent fund is saved up, we don’t need their money to live by.
Joey’s ‘allowances’ do not come from us, they work for it during school breaks, we only provided basic necessities like transport and food.”
Another User Comments:
“With the edits, I’d have to say NTJ. Since you’re saving Alex’s rent, it sounds like you’re teaching them responsibility and doing them a favor (since if they moved out, it would truly be a complete loss of this money to their landlord).
It sounds like you understand that classes aren’t for everyone and that you’d also be ok with Alex if they pursued training in general to find a job they’re happier with. I’m not sure if there’s more to the picture, but if Alex’s only reasoning for not returning to school is ‘because they are too old for school’, then that’s not a great take since people of all ages change careers/go to school.
Your terms are fair- Alex can stay there and still pay cheaper rent, or move out. If they’ve been working for 8 years, even if they quit high school before senior year, they should be old enough to live on their own if that’s what they desired. As for Joey’s spending, since it’s their salary, they should be able to spend it on what they want, regardless of Alex’s opinion on it.
I sympathize that Alex is unhappy with their job and I understand school isn’t for everyone. But this sounds like you’re trying to ensure that he still lives responsibly. At their age, it’s still generous to give them the level of monetary support that you do, especially since you’re saving their money. Unfortunately, if Alex does move out and has to pay rent somewhere else, then their issue about ‘fun money’ will be arguably worse than before.” justapoornerd
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You are dangling education as a carrot to justify rewarding one kid over the other. There must have been indications before college that Alex wasn’t academic, and they both have jobs so both should be paying rent. There may be other factors at play here as well: does Alex have depression? A possible learning disability? Anxiety? Has anyone in your family considered that school, even trade school, isn’t a good fit? Not everyone should have to pursue education, and you surely shouldn’t be using it this way.
I’ll reiterate: they BOTH should be paying rent or moving out.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You set the rules and applied them as stated to both children. Alex must be in his mid-twenties now so he is hardly a child. If he wants easy jobs that don’t pay well and offer few chances for advancement for whatever reason, he needs to understand that choice limits his lifestyle.
He can’t expect Joey to curtail his own ambitions and work instead of pursuing higher education in order to make him feel better about his own choices. He does seem to be stuck though, with no direction in life. Does he have any interests at all, anything that could lead to a better job? Was he ever screened for learning disabilities or ADD/ADHD? Has he ever met with a career counselor? Perhaps there is something he has an aptitude for and doesn’t realize what he could do with it; a career counselor could help.
There are jobs that require licensing but only take a few months of training to qualify for, such as medical assistant, or he could even go to bartending school (a friend of mine earned really well at that while she was trying to figure out what she wanted to do as a career).
Charging Alex’s rent is fair. He is an adult earning a paycheck and one of the responsibilities of being an adult is to keep a roof over your head.
Charging Joey’s rent will not improve Alex’s situation one bit. If Joey decides to pursue a Ph.D. and still lives at home while working on it, I think it would be fair then to ask him to pay rent.” Sk8rknitr
Another User Comments:
“Idk if I wanna go with ‘no jerks here’ or ‘everyone sucks here’. I understand both sides. I understand you want them to pursue something and give motivation, but charging rent feels weird to me.
I’m a college student, my parents pay for it entirely, aside from books and transportation since I have benefits that give me money to cover that. We’ve had discussions before and the alternative to college is to get a job, but rent is never something they’d consider charging me. Granted I’m 18 and from what I understand they’re around what? 26? But it feels as if you’re under the impression college is the best option for everyone.
I hate college, quite honestly.
It’s stupid, I suck at school, but I go because of the field I want to go into. It doesn’t sound like Alex has a passion like they’re flailing around trying to find any aim they may enjoy. Have you guys sat down and discussed what it is they want to do, what direction they want to go in and how? I get that they want a simple life, but something about this whole situation just feels like a lot is left unsaid.
That being said, however, I don’t think y’all are trying to be some horrible awful parents who care about one kid over the other. You’re just trying to push him somewhere in life. I think rent is a little ridiculous still. Also, Alex has to realize life isn’t a joyride all of the time. They can’t just keep bumming off and expect to live with y’all forever without at least some sort of a game plan.” sunnshinn33
8. AITJ For Kicking My Estranged Brother Out Of My House?
“My mom passed away 6 years ago and she left her estate to me, my sister, and my brother. My sister was the executor of the estate and she stole a lot of coin. My brother and I ended up with only $500 each and my sister took home something like $100,000.
My brother hired a lawyer to sort out the situation. He and my sister got in a big fight and he disowned her.
He said that he couldn’t deal with her anymore. He claimed that she abused him his whole life which is an exaggeration IMO and this was the last straw for him.
I stayed out of it all because I didn’t want any bad blood between me and my sister. My sister can be difficult but she’s great with my children and she’s a godsend when I need a babysitter.
My children love her and I can’t cut their auntie out of their lives. I hardly ever see my brother because he lives 5 hours away and he never comes around to see us. He used to come over once in a while but after he disowned my sister, he stopped coming around. My children don’t know him.
Deep down I agree with my brother about the estate situation.
My sister mismanaged the estate and stole a huge amount and my mom’s valuables. It’s not worth ending my relationship with my sister over, though. My brother feels differently and I respect that. My sister is heartbroken though. She misses our brother and she’s very hurt that my brother disowned her.
My brother just won’t quit though. His lawyer is still asking the estate lawyer for information regarding the estate.
My sister doesn’t have all the paperwork that his lawyer is asking for and she’s very stressed out. I’ve had to listen to her complain about this for 3 years and counting. I want it to stop. I wish my brother would just take his $500 and move on as I did.
Last weekend my brother paid me an unexpected visit. He was in town and he wanted to stop by to ‘say hi’ to me and my kids.
I was busy but I let him in and offered him something to eat. Not even 10 minutes in he brought up my sister and the estate situation. He told me that he just found out that she forged papers to become the executor. Apparently, my mom named someone else as the executor in her will, and my sister forged that person’s signature to sign the estate over to herself.
I sort of sighed and asked him to stop talking about it because I don’t care about any of it. He became agitated and told me that I should care because she stole from me and my kids too. I said that I know but I made my peace with it and he should too. He raised his voice at me and told me that I was enabling my sister like the rest of the family and I should know better.
My children were in the next room and they could hear everything so I told him to leave. He started crying on his way out of the door.
I feel awful but I just want our family to be like it used to be. I’m not going to have him disrespect me in my own home again but I’m afraid that I overreacted and I’ll never see him again.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
If he is right and your sister forged that signature then she stole from you, your kids, and your brother. It wasn’t given to her, she took it illegally with force.
You say that your brother being abused is an ‘exaggeration’. So you know that something has happened there but I guess you were always on your sister’s side? So why would he need some support in his life right?
Your family will never be like it used to and it is your sister’s fault, not your brother’s but you refuse to see it.
I truly hope he sues your sister and wins, and also that he never talks to either of you again. He deserves better.” Xedrios
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Actually, I think you’re the doormat to your sister and the jerk to your bro. Honestly, I’d be scared about what she’s taking from you currently & lying about right now. That’s a huge deal if she forged documents & then effectively gave herself $100k or I guess $60k.
I understand your position on it until the forgery comes up. Then it’s a different issue altogether. And, if that’s what happened, your response to your brother invalidated his feelings. AND basically tried to gaslight him into saying it wasn’t true. Or that’s how you were going to view it. Which is super awful. ‘I know she did all this really awful stuff to us. But she lives close & babysits for me.
Soooooo, I’m gonna overlook it. And if you can’t do the same I’m not sure we can hang out anymore.’ Yes, please reward the liar some more.
I’m sure she has been emotionally abusing your brother all his life. And the rest of your family participate by gaslighting him about it. I bet the holidays are super fun at your house. If this is true, I hope your sister gets punished by the law.
And your family should NOT be mad at him. (Tho you probably will) He’s pointing out the dysfunctionality in your family. (And you’re going ‘yeah, but I’m kinda ok with it cause of babysitting. But screw you for pointing it out.’) Tell your brother he’s welcome at my house for the holidays.” Delicate-effng-flowr
Another User Comments:
“You sound… Like a nonconfrontational, very passive-aggressive person, who lets people get away with close to anything.
Just so you won’t have to… do… Which is sad for you and your children. The fair share you were owed is gone. You could care less. To you, what’s done is done. You want back the relationship you had with your siblings prior to these events. The lesson here though is that even family can’t be trusted. You will never have the relationship with them, that you once did.
Your sister is a selfish, self-centered, greedy person. She saw dollar signs and lied her butt off to get to the moolah. So, that she, could buy herself a house, car, and whatever else she has now. That, she can’t afford to have anymore. I hope that your brother moves forward and gets the justice he deserves. It’s pretty trashy of you to side with your sister.
You need to open your eyes and listen to what you’re saying.
You have chosen a side. You say that you will provide her with the support she needs. But, your brother, he is overdramatic. He doesn’t deserve the same support you give your sister. ‘That’s what family is for.’ Again, you need to listen to yourself. You feel like your brother is over-exaggerating about the abuse he endured.
How would you feel if you found out he wasn’t? It’s wrong to delegate and put a rating label onto someone’s suffering. As you have with your brother.
You’re blind to the truth. Which is this. Your sister screwed you and your brother over, for her sake. She wanted that inheritance and committed fraud to get to it. Now, the truth is unfolding and she’s crumbling under the pressure.
If he pursues this, as he should. She will end up losing everything she’s got. Which, psst, by the way… She’d lose it anyway, because, she bought into things she can not afford to have. She’ll end up a felon. You’ll lose them both. Sad thing is, you’ll both probably never see the funds you should have gotten, in its entirety. However, your brother will get the satisfaction of punishing your sister for screwing you both over. I’d bet on the fact that your sister is probably, extremely, manipulative. You’re likely a victim of her mentality and I hope that you can open your eyes to it, as well as, the truth. YTJ.” Significant_Style64
7. AITA For Not Giving A Student Remote Access To Class?
“This is my first year teaching at a community college. My average class size is usually no more than 20 so I know most of my students fairly well. The school operates in a hybrid format (part online part in person) but my class is fully in person since I feel it gives students a better chance to connect. I’ll also note here that while this is my first year at this school, I have been teaching for years so I would say I know what I’m doing.
This post relates to one student, in particular, they are a part of my earliest class and immediately stick out to me. The first month or so of class they were a top student, never missed a day and all of their work was top quality. They never actively participated in class, often sitting in the back with their head down but since they did the work I didn’t think too much about it.
I just assumed they were shy and never pressured them to speak up.
Recently however I noticed a drastic shift in this student’s behavior. They stopped coming to class, their work quality dropped to barely passing, and they even failed their last exam. All the emails I sent checking in on them went ignored so I finally gave up trying to get through to them. If they weren’t going to value their time in this class then I wasn’t going to waste mine.
I’ve seen quite a few students just drop out of classes mid-semester since they got lazy and I just assumed the same thing happened here.
A few days ago I got an email from the administrative office regarding this student. For privacy reasons I can’t go into details but it essentially said their health was rapidly declining and they were asking to go online for the rest of the semester so they could focus on their health.
Since it would require additional time and resources I had to approve this first before they got the go-ahead. I was shocked because this was the first time any of this was being brought to my attention. They looked fine whenever they were in class and they never mentioned any health issues prior. If they had emailed me when it started explaining their situation I would have understood but this felt too convenient since their grade was dropping.
Every logical part of me was telling me they were lying and trying to excuse being lazy and I didn’t think that was fair to my other hard-working students so I declined. I’m not going to suddenly change my teaching method because they don’t want to put the effort in.
I spoke to one of my colleagues and they looked at me like I was crazy. They reminded me that the student can drop the class if they needed it and that if something did happen I could have gotten the school into a lot of trouble.
They also told me that there could have been signs this student was sick that I didn’t notice so I’m just being a jerk about it by assuming. I was so sure they were lying to get out of class but now I’m starting to second guess myself. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“This is the reason that so many people with chronic illnesses become lonely agoraphobic people with no connection to the world, other than doctors and things regarding their health! We are scared that this will be the reaction when we try to enter society be it school, work, clubs, or just meeting new people! This sounds exactly like what happened to me when I was in school! ‘But you don’t look sick’, ‘they seem fine’, ‘it is convenient’! No, I don’t look sick that is why it is called an invisible illness! I try very hard to seem fine and sometimes I can pass as healthy, especially to people with no medical background! Sickness of any kind be it acute or chronic is anything but convenient!
Unfortunately, many times with chronic illnesses trying to be ‘normal’ and hide disabilities can cause a flare! He was a good student so you know he is smart enough! He was trying to set up accommodations to continue class which showed he cares and is putting in the effort! You claim he was quite but did not appear ill, maybe he was not sick at the time! Perhaps he was putting in all of the strength he had to just show up to class and do the work! He did not email you back and immediately you jumped to neglecting the class! Did it ever occur to you he could have been in the hospital, or trying to determine his next steps! He may have been embarrassed thinking that this time was going to be different but then ‘failing’ and being devastated that once again his illness and his body ruined things for him! I realize that I do not know anything about this kid or his circumstances.
I will admit I am also projecting a lot of my own experience in this. However, I think the message is important for OP and everyone else. You never know what another person is going through! It is also no one’s job to explain themselves to you! It cost nothing to be kind, and if you can help someone you should! It might only take a little bit of effort on your part but could mean the world to another person! Also OP you are an educator.
He could have always dropped the class but he didn’t you are definitely the jerk! YTJ.” Pawpackmom_wren17
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Where to even begin…
I am a teacher as well, although all my work is online still, so yeah, I get the extra work involved.
But, I also have two sons, who both look VERY normal! However, both are very ill boys. One was born with malformations of major organs and the other is a type 1 diabetic.
Using my older one, with organ malformations as an example, when he gets ill, it is crippling and he needs to be hospitalized. Now, he is underage and lives with both of his parents, so one of us will most likely, contact the school within a week and let them know what’s going on. Just last year, he did an online class for 16 days while in a hospital bed.
While rushing to the hospital, I didn’t grab his computer or any of his schoolbooks, but my husband brought them up a few days later.
You teach at a college, like I do, so chances are, this ‘kid’ is actually a young adult, who cannot have mommy or daddy call in for him. Maybe he was debilitated in such a way that he couldn’t contact you himself?
You say he ‘looked’ fine, but so do most people with chronic illness, most of the time.
Yet, even as his health spiraled, he still continued to do his work and you noticed a drastic decline in his scores, including him failing his last exam. He isn’t trying to get out of doing the work, by your own admission! He just isn’t doing it well, which lends credit to him having a medical issue that is taking up type priority at the moment.
Besides, aside from streaming your classroom live, and scanning exams for him to take, what else extra is there for you to do? Do you not have your syllabus outline for your semester already? Do you not save work for the class in the online classroom already? You signed up for a hybrid learning field, so I am sure you are keeping up with the hybrid guidelines, correct? So, aside from an adjustment in the classroom by having it recorded and scanning exams/quizzes/tests, what ‘extra work’ are you presuming to have, that shouldn’t already be up in the online classroom?
All of this is beside the point that in your first year, teaching at a college (community or not) you feel you have the right, after only knowing your students for one quarter, that you know when they are lying and making stuff up? Less than 20 students is a light load, but do you only teach one class? Because I have 172 students this semester and I can tell you, I know their names and I know my goofballs and my seriousness, as well as my shyness, but I would not even take a GUESS at any of their medical backgrounds.
Teaching college/university level is not the same as high school or lower (honestly, they should be paid more, because of the drama they have to deal with… I could never teach under 18…). I am assuming your previous teaching engagements were with younger students though because you are comparing this student to what you would see in middle school or high school students. Not higher education.
They have PAID to take your class, therefore will either drop out if they feel the class is too hard, long before the first quarter ends when they can recoup some of the amount or just bail after the first quarter if they are there on grants or have someone else paying their tuition. Not beg to be pulled out of the gutter and try to make their grade, probably barely passable in the six weeks we have left in this semester.
The lack of communication and his going through administration shows that this has been a problem he has dealt with in the past. He knew who to contact, as he had missed too much to go through you anymore (most schools its three classes, but not sure about yours). If he was in crisis, do you think that your class was the first thing on his mind? Do you think he should have prioritized that first? Or should he have been more concerned with getting himself in a better state? Did it occur to you that if he was in a hospital, maybe he didn’t have his laptop with him and couldn’t email you? Paramedics aren’t known to grab bags or laptops, even for college-aged patients. Maybe he had to wait for discharge to be able to make contact?
It might not all add up for you, but for me, it definitely does. Not just because I have a medically fragile child, but also because I am in the same profession. You are letting your bias overtake your duty as an educator. Shame on you.” EmployeeMom
6. AITJ For Calling My Friend Out On His Lack Of Financial Empathy?
“At 16 years old I was cut off from my parents. I was raised with the ‘you want something, you buy it’ mindset. Naturally, college was the same way, as I had to pay all of my dues. My roommate and a longtime friend are the complete opposite. His car, tuition, insurance, gas budget, food, 20k study abroad trip to Europe, or anything else he wants is provided by his parents.
Lately, he’s been judging me for the way I spend my money. Occasionally going on dates with my significant other or buy a video game. I called him out on it, and he’s been getting better.
Recently, he asked if I wanted to buy his dad’s tickets for the upcoming football game. He told me the price was a little below face value for the tickets. I declined as that was still a lot to drop at the time.
He responds with ‘Oh well, guess I’ll just go.’
I ask, ‘Oh, I didn’t know you bought the tickets.’
He answers, ‘No I didn’t, my dad just gave them to me for free.’
I then proceed to tell him how wrong it is for him to try to unload the tickets he got for free onto me when he’s been made well aware of the difference between our financial situations.
I explained it would be different if he was only asking a couple of bucks for them, but not the actual face value of the ticket as he got them for free and has no expenditures in his life whatsoever. I just think it’s wrong to try to resell a gift to a struggling friend for pure financial gain.
He’s very upset with me. He thinks I’m a jerk for picking a fight with him when he was just trying to sell me tickets.
Edit: I couldn’t take the tickets even if I wanted to because of work obligations, I just think the situation is wrong.
I just think it’s a jerk move, but am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
It seems like if not for your current financial situation and other commitments you may have been interested.
He offered you the tickets (at less than face value). You refused. That should have been the end of the interaction.
It doesn’t matter if he got the tickets for free.
If someone offered to sell you a car at a good price, would you refuse to buy it just because the seller received the car as a gift?
Same principle here.
It doesn’t sound like he wasn’t been unreasonable especially since he was offering them to you at a discount.
Sounds like your issues are more to do with the that your friend is from a wealthy background.
Info: if your friend was in similar financial circumstances as you and he got free tickets to a game, would you still call him a jerk for offering them to you at below face value?” fgvkfea615
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s a jerk. He got the tickets free. He was going to try to sucker you out of money he knew you couldn’t afford to lose. This isn’t a friend.” Careless-Image-885
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
The tickets were given to him, and it’s his choice of how to use them — whether it be using them, selling them, or even just throwing them in the trash.
That being said, the financial difficulties suuuuuck! And lack of empathy can be incredibly frustrating. He should not be judging you, people come from all sorts of classes and are not always financially well-off.” QuietestDesperations
5. AITJ For Not Wanting To Deal With My Partner's Child?
“So my partner has a child in which I can’t stand her mother? I have tried to be nice to her over the years. After asking her out to have lunch or drink one day she goes off to him about me. She called and text my bf in regards to me minding my business when it comes to their child and her saying she doesn’t want to be friends.
I am ok with that. I truly don’t want to be her friend either but I was trying to be cordial for his sake and the child. What she doesn’t know is that it’s me doing it for her child, not him. Every Christmas and birthday, I choose and pay for the child’s gifts. My partner can’t even tell anyone what ‘we’ bought her. Whenever she needed something for the baby it was me who made it happen.
I try and influence him to be more present in the child’s life because he isn’t. She is 3 and has no clue who he is. I have done more for their child than he has and I get zero respect from the mom and I’m tired of it. I know the child has nothing to do with their ignorance but how long do I continue to make him look good while she disrespects me? Should I spend any more on a child that isn’t mine and the mother constantly tells me to stay away?
His oldest is from a different relationship than this child, and he treats the older one like royalty.
This one not so much. When he tried to be involved at first she made it difficult for him. Wouldn’t allow him to be involved for a year unless it meant spending time with her as a ‘family’. He explained that’s not what they were and he wants to be involved without her and she refused for the first year. I think he gave up and that’s why he acts that way.
He talks with great intentions yet drops the ball soon as she makes things hard. I think he should fight but he thinks it shouldn’t have to be a fight.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and dad. You’re a jerk because you want to hurt a child because you don’t like the mother. If you can’t deal with the mom without causing emotional pain to the child, leave the relationship.
The father is a jerk cause he should be helping with this child, not relying on you to do it for him. The bio mom doesn’t have to meet you, she’s allowed to have that boundary, but if she said for you to mind your business after just asking her for lunch, then she could be high conflict, which would put her like a jerk too.
Edit to add: he needs to get a parenting plan in place.” curlyg1rl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
He’s treating one child with one woman better than another child he has with a different woman. He’s what I call a serial parent. Different kids with different parents treat them unequally to please themselves. Do not, I beg you, be the next in his stable. He isn’t some prize stallion and needs to quit behaving like he is.
Leave before the little ones become attached to you, or before you end up pregnant and having to deal with him and his biases when it comes to his children.” TibbleTabbs1114
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You because the child’s mom clearly has told you she doesn’t want your friendship or input and you persist.
Your partner… I mean do I need to state the obvious… why on earth would you want to be with someone who literally is so irresponsible and lazy and low value that he cannot take care of the child he brought into the world and is relying on you, his partner, to do the work he should be doing? Like, what can you possibly see in this guy? He’s shirking the most basic and important of his life duties.
I’d move on from this relationship…” baeyayrea
4. AITJ For Ditching A Friend Before Paying?
“This happened when I (18F), went out with a close friend of mine (18F) to eat. We do this thing where I’ll pay for what I order, and she’ll pay for what she orders, whenever we go out. So we were doing this at a relatively expensive restaurant, I ordered, she ordered and then the food came.
Around when the food came, my sister (10F) called me and she was crying.
She’s a pretty tomboyish girl and she never cries (because she thinks it’s weak) and even if she gets hurt she’ll limp back home and brush it off. Since she cried I was pretty freaked out and I talked to her for only a few seconds (she was very incoherent because she was crying) and I found out from a hospital worker that she’d fallen from her cycle and fallen quite a distance away and then passed out for a while before someone called the ambulance.
She was now on the way to a hospital near my house. So I ran out of the place in a jumbled hurry without paying for my bit of the food (that I hadn’t even gotten to touch) with no explanation other than ‘something happened to (sister name)’.
Turns out she didn’t have enough budget to cover both of our portions and had to call her mom to pay for my bit and there was a scene at the restaurant.
She was extremely embarrassed and her mom was doing something important so she got scolded. I don’t know too much about what happened because I heard from a friend, but this seems to be true.
I paid (through a PayPal equivalent) as soon as I got to the hospital and figured out what was going on but it was too late.
Why I had to leave so quickly: my parents were on the other end of the city so it would take them an hour or two to get to the hospital (traffic).
My sister also has a history of allergies to a bunch of medicines (eg: Tylenol) so I needed to get her records as quickly as possible so nothing bad happened.
I tried calling my friend but she won’t pick up, and she left me on seen when I apologized through text. Idk what to do at this point. AITJ?
Update: My dad drove me to her house first thing in the morning and we both apologized to her parents.
My friend had heard most of what was going on through the phone (I had it on speakerphone because I couldn’t understand my sister) and she knew what was going on so she didn’t even call me to ask for the money because she was worried too. She wasn’t mad at all.
She didn’t get into a scene in the restaurant, my other friend had exaggerated. It was just her mom was annoyed and she got grounded.
She basically had her phone taken away and that’s why she didn’t pick up any calls, and her little brother might have been playing on her phone so the texts got marked as read. After me and my dad explained the circumstances she got un-grounded, but we’re going to save up double the amount before we go out to eat again~”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ in a gentle way.
The way I see it is that if you were by yourself you’re still expected to pay the bill before leaving. Plus you’re the sister, not the parent why weren’t your parents on the phone dealing with this? You should probably come up with a way to apologize to your friend. I can’t even imagine the embarrassment.” Significant_Title_60
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you panicked, and you did send the money afterward.
Given this sort of situation again – which hopefully won’t happen – you can pay just for your portion of the meal on the way out.
Your friend faced her own panic when she didn’t have enough funds, and then got shouted at by her Mum (who could have been more sympathetic about the situation!) – give her some time to calm down from that, and I’m sure all will be fine.
To all those people saying ‘you shouldn’t go out if you can’t afford to pay for both people’ – that’s ridiculous, especially as both of these people are 18. Both girls always pay for themselves, there’s no reason to ever assume they’ll have to cover the other” theHannig
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – You panicked and paid her as soon as possible. Unless there is a pattern of this it is understandable that you made a mistake.
People saying you are a jerk for not keeping a clear head in an emergency aren’t really considering that most people don’t do the exactly right and logical thing during an emergency or perceived emergency because their lizard brain takes over the way it is intended to. Next time take a second to breathe before going off half-hearted but making a mistake doesn’t make you a jerk.
That said, your friend probably felt abandoned and humiliated, so give her a little time to cool off. She is justified in feeling upset, even if you had a good reason for what you did and even if you have tried to make amends.” Happydivorcecard
3. AITJ For Not Telling My Mom I Think She Has Parkinson's Disease?
“My mom got diagnosed with Parkinson’s today. I knew she was going to see an internist and had a suspicion that she might be diagnosed with something along those lines.
Bit of background: My family has been struggling financially for quite some time, more so the past three years after my dad got retrenched. We don’t have medical aid (insurance) so we have to pay all medical expenses and medication out of pocket.
I had been seeing symptoms of something since last year and had started Googling around to see what it could be. One of the things that popped up was Parkinson’s but I’m no medical professional so I didn’t want to draw any conclusions. She had and still has a range of other symptoms and aches which made it difficult to pinpoint exactly what could be the matter.
However, she did not want to go see a doctor because we couldn’t afford it and she didn’t want to go at that time. Because of this, I didn’t tell her of my suspicions as I thought it might upset her and make her feel helpless since we couldn’t afford for her to go see a specialist to confirm whether or not the worrying is warranted.
What I did do was try and find an affordable neurologist in our area to take her to, but I unfortunately never got to the point of finding a suitable and affordable one to make an appointment with. I started working this year in February, so I had planned on trying to get my mom on medical aid which I would then pay for so we could get her to see a specialist and get her on meds for whatever illness/condition she might have.
Unfortunately, it turned out to be veeeery expensive and I didn’t earn enough yet, so had to save up before I could do so.
So now she got diagnosed today, and when she told me about it, I said that I am very sorry to hear but that it’s not a death sentence and that we’ll make sure she gets the meds she needs to keep it under control.
I asked her about the doctor’s visit and how it was, if someone else in our family had it, what else he said, etc., and said not to worry, she’ll be okay.
I then made the mistake of saying that I am unfortunately not that surprised and that I had suspected her having it, but couldn’t be sure and didn’t want to tell her to avoid upsetting her since we wouldn’t have been able to do something about it at the time (and still can’t do anything, since there’s no cure).
She is SO upset with me, saying that my dad and I clearly don’t care about her, left her in the dark, and that we caused it to deteriorate by leaving it so late.
She also said that my reaction to the news clearly shows I don’t care as I am not devastated and that I didn’t even ask how she feels about it and didn’t ask enough questions about everything.
So. Am I the jerk? If so, is there anything you can suggest I do to mediate the situation?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re not a doctor. You suspecting is not you know. But she’s just been handed absolutely BLINDSIDING life-changing news and you being calm/rational is not what she needs. She needs unswerving support and a promise to help her.
Idea: go to the store. Buy every good junk food she likes.
Buy her new pajamas and maybe a new pillow or blanket. Go home. Set up the couch (or bed) for a movie night. Spread everything out. Get wine/soda/tea/her favorite drink. Tell her you’re sorry. Tell her this is unbelievably hard, but you’re not going anywhere. And it doesn’t change how you feel about her. And that you believe together you’re going to work out the next step, then the next, and just keep going like that.
And the next step is chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate, and a funny movie (or a musical, or a sad movie, or her favorite). And then the next movie, and the next. Until she wants to go to bed.
Your job right now is to keep her from spiraling, Googling, and going insane this first day of diagnosis. After a few days, when she’s ready to try to tackle this thing, then you can help her research, or talk about Michael J Fox, or something.
But right now? Right now is comfort, attention, and the message: ‘I’m always on your team. And I’m always in your corner. And I love you no matter what.” iwantasecretgarden
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The earlier you start treatment the better the person will be. There is no cure for Parkinson’s, but there are treatments that can delay the progression of symptoms. You should have told your mom that you know you are not a doctor but you are concerned and really want her to see a doctor.” RedditDK2
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You are not a doctor; it wasn’t your place to diagnose, and your reasons for not saying anything were sound. However, your mom is likely reeling from her diagnosis and I can see why she wasn’t in the mood to hear that someone else might have known all along. It sounds to me like a case where she can’t get angry with the disease, so she’s transferring it to being angry with you.
You aren’t obligated to be her whipping post forever and ever, and if she has a history/pattern of raging out on you it’s a different story, but otherwise for now she deserves a little grace.
I would just try to keep reiterating to your mom that you do care about her and take her symptoms and her emotions seriously. Be careful not to accidentally belittle her by telling her she has nothing to worry about. I know that kind of comment is coming from a good place, but it can come across as “stop feeling your feelings and put on a smile” if you are not careful.” crockofpot
2. AITJ For Giving A Low Grade To A Girl Who Cried?
“We have this individual class project worth a large portion of our grade for seatworks. Basically, give a 5-10 minute impromptu speech, we have six students speak, every week, the best speaker of the last batch will critique the following students and will also be giving grades (Teacher’s and student’s grades given are worth 50/50 each) I was that student this week. and up until this week, there was no real problem with any of the speeches, everyone met the time criteria with obviously a few iffy speeches here and there, but overall things were fine, up until that point people actually liked the fact that I was giving semi-harsh critiques because all the other students before me were just masking what they really thought to not hurt the feelings of the speakers, which I knew since some of the previous ones are my friends.
But then a problem came with this one girl who was then called to speak, she was given an easy yet thought-provoking question, she was given the 1m 30s to formulate a response then she started speaking, only that after 30 seconds of speaking, she choked, and after a 1-minute pause, she started crying. Now obviously everyone felt bad for her, the teacher even went and started comforting her.
But after a good minute of that, it was time to give the grades and critiques, but rather than give critiques, as usual, the Teacher simply said something along the lines of ‘You did well, don’t feel bad’ and gave her a 33/50, which is within the awardee standard. At this point I thought, did she deserve a 33?
The speaker prior to her actually met the time and did well on nearly all criteria except organization and got a 38 from our teacher (35 from me).
So do I think her speech was only 2 points less than the last one? Or 5 from our teacher? Not at all, not only did she not meet the time but even with the 30 seconds she spoke, she pretty much failed in every criterion. I could tell our teacher was just giving that score because she felt bad. This was my mindset at the time.
So when it was my time to speak, I said all my critiques, and as I said them I started to feel bad, I was so passionate about how bad her speech was at the start but then I realized that I was kicking at a person who was already down I felt guilty and I’m sure it hurt her much more. But I told myself that nonetheless, she deserved the score that I gave, at least in my mind, which was a 15/50.
And immediately after I got a bunch of dirty looks from my classmates and our teacher kinda just stared at me with a surprised look.
Afterward, I apologized to her for the critiques but I got a bunch of DMs calling me a jerk and her friends told the teacher that the grade I gave shouldn’t be counted. But while I acknowledge that I was a jerk for giving those critiques, I stand by my grading, because giving her a higher mark would be very unfair, especially to those who actually practiced and gave good speeches.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“In the grand scheme of things, does this class really matter? It’s public speaking. It’s not medical math or anatomy. You didn’t potentially save a life for giving her the grade she deserved. In most universities, it’s required for all students to take it even if you’re never going to use it in your life.
So I ask you this, does it really matter she be put down for her breakdown? What does this accomplish for her by berating her? What does this grade really have to do with life after school? Or was it more you trying to control an outcome and prove a point? Who cares what grade she got? Like really? How does that matter?
From an outside perspective, it sounds like you are on a power trip.
Take a step back and look at your reaction. Put yourself in her shoes and then maybe you’ll understand how you are massively the jerk.
YTJ period. Get over it. It’s just an assignment for a class that really doesn’t matter in real-life application for many students.” LoraxLibrarian
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
I totally agree with you that a high score is a kick in the teeth to anyone who actually gave a speech.
Either the criterion is that you give a good speech or it’s that you whimper and cry and secure everyone’s pity, it’s not both.
But you could have given the low score kindly and given her ways to improve. Instead you just verbally attacked someone who was already crying. Does it make you feel good?
Your teacher is a disgrace – not for allowing peer review because it’s not always bad, but for not teaching you how to do it.
The teacher should have been grading you on your criticism this whole time – and you would be getting less than 15/50, believe me.
You went into this thinking you’re so fine because you’re tearing down your classmates and they all like it and want to hear from the expert. But most people would take basic kindness over a know-it-all any day. Let this be a lesson to you instead of just thinking it’s this girl who deserves to be humiliated.” HiddenDestiny251
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – As someone who has anxiety the way you handled it would’ve ruined my whole day and I would be thinking about your ‘criticisms’ for way longer than normal.
The way you write here makes me think you weren’t giving hard criticisms in a nice way but in a condescending mean sort of way. Imagine how anxious she probably got listening to you talk about other people’s speeches. I would’ve probably choked too. Even if there were people who appreciated the harshness I’m sure there were just as many feeling hurt and sad over it.
Did you pay attention to everyone in the classroom? They also could’ve said they liked the harsh criticism so that you feel better about yourself. Also giving her a low score for something that isn’t her fault (anxiety and crying) is really awful of you. Have some empathy man. At least give her a 50 or something. I don’t the teacher gave her a decent score mainly out of pity.
I think it may be because the teacher has seen other works by this girl and can assume that her speech will likely be of the same quality as the others. Part of it could’ve been sympathy but I really don’t think it was the main reason.
You sound like you enjoy having power over people. This entire post reeks of a condescending attitude like you’re better than the rest of your class and the teacher. You gotta make some changes before it kicks you in the butt.” ghostcraft33
1. AITJ For Telling My Brother That I'll Be Suing Them For Selling The Nursery?
“I (36F) lost my 3-year-old son from a chronic condition that he was born with. I struggled a lot with his illness and received a lot of support from my family when my ex-husband was too busy with work than caring for his son.
When my brother and his wife found out they were expecting (they suffered from a miscarriage after a miscarriage) and because of their financial situation, I decided to lend them my son’s nursery to use for their baby under the condition they give it back when they no longer need it.
It’s an expensive nursery and the process of shipping (I live in another country) took me time and money and of course not to mention its sentimental value.
They were so grateful for my help and appreciated it a lot but my sister-in-law, unfortunately, lost her baby 5 months into the pregnancy and I heard from my mother since my brother and sister-in-law went in low contact with everyone to be able to grieve.
I waited a few months before asking for the nursery back since they no longer need it. I called and asked my brother to send it back despite how cruel I sounded but I just had to get it back. I was shocked after my brother said they sold it, all of it, every single piece. I asked why and he said his wife was depressed and he needed funds to take her on a vacation a month ago.
I lost my temper and started screaming at him on the phone reminding him that this belonged to my son and only for them to borrow not sell.
He apologized and asked me to be understanding of his wife’s position as a grieving mother myself. I said no THEY should have considered how selling my son’s nursery would affect me as a grieving mother and he replied that he didn’t think I was being fair to scream at him for wanting to help his wife through these hard times.
I told him that is not my problem and that I will be suing them both over the nursery and for every penny he made out of selling it. He called me nuts and hung up then called my parents. They tried to get involved after I threatened to sue and called me callous and unhinged for threatening my brother and sister-in-law with the court and told me to let it go I don’t need the nursery and it’s not worth causing permanent damage to my relationship with my brother over ‘few pieces of furniture’.
My ex-husband blamed me saying it was my fault for giving the nursery to my brother but I just wanted to help. He keeps pushing for the idea to sue but my parents are telling me not to.
Am I the jerk for wanting to sue them for the nursery that cost us nearly over 4k?
Just to explain something: My ex-husband gets a say because he paid for the nursery as well and he keeps pushing for me to sue and told me he’ll do it if I choose to back down.
He keeps saying it’s my fault for letting my brother have the nursery in the first place and he’s very upset with me about it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It was so unbelievably cruel and selfish for them to sell mementos of your son for a vacation. You lending them the nursery for free represents how highly you regarded them and how you very kindly hoped that they would honor your son’s memory by bringing up their own child with his nursery.
And they in turn said, ‘Your love and your deceased son means nothing to us. It is only worth as much as we can get breaking the set down and selling it.’
Sue their pants off! Go with your parents’ pressure and pretend to be ready to move on if they apologize for selling items they were supposed to return you out of “emotional desperation” if you have to.
Anything to get them to admit in writing/text that it was a loan, not a gift. Then absolutely rinse them in court.” DaisyInc
Another User Comments:
“I’m going against the grain here and say YTJ. Mostly because I don’t actually believe you when you said you made it clear you wanted all this stuff back. Nobody does that with baby gear and you certainly don’t do it with things that have great sentimental value.
It just stretches credulity to think you went to all the trouble of packing it up and mailing it internationally, risking all the possible ways it could have been damaged or lost there, knowing that you were going to demand they turn around and ship it all back in a few years.
I think you intended for them to have it, figuring it would be in the family, but then lost your mind a bit when you found out it was gone.
Then you took it out on a family that had just suffered a tragedy.
I’m truly sorry for your loss, but I honestly think you were being unreasonable.” ibringthepetty
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Calling only a few months after their child died asking for the furniture back was pretty callous and a major jerk move. Being upset they sold it is understandable and fine. But threatening to sue them does go too far. Your brother is a gargantuan jerk for selling the nursery he knew you had only spent to him. Btw lending a nursery by shipping it internationally really isn’t rational either. It very much sounds like you could benefit from therapy.” I_Suggest_Therapy
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