People Wonder How We Feel About Their "Am I The Jerk?" Story

Do you ever wonder what other people are thinking? After all, our points of view are shaped by our upbringing, the experiences we went through, the people we surround ourselves with, and even our own personality traits. While other people's opinions and thoughts aren't always of interest to us, they definitely become attractive when we find ourselves in a messy situation. We want to know what others might think about our situation and hear any advice they may have for us. The folks below are in that exact predicament. After dealing with a difficult scenario, they're left with the question, "Did I react like a jerk?" Read through their stories, and comment with your feelings. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk YTJ = You're the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? EHS = Everyone here sucks

15. AITJ For Accusing My Stay-At-Home-Mom Sister Of Being Lazy?

“I (37M) have a younger sister Jenny (31F) who has two kids (7F & 10F) with her partner Jaxon.

Jaxon and Jenny planned and had their kids fairly young when neither of them had jobs or any savings. Everyone told Jenny she needed to rethink even being with Jaxon because it was generally known he was getting involved with substances. Dealing was the only “job” he could have since he never graduated high school, and Jenny always defended it with this exact reasoning.

Well, she moved into his apartment, they had kids, she became a SAHM, and everything seemed fine for a while. But 4 years ago, Jaxon was caught on counts for possession of unregistered firearms and heavy substance dealing. I sympathize with my sister because I can’t image how difficult it must be to raise two kids by yourself and have to explain why their dad is in jail, but at the end of the day, this was a risk she knew she was taking by being with him.

Now, the savings he left aside for her and the kids have run out, and she has come to me. For context, she continued to be a SAHM for the past 4 years even after her partner got locked up and has been putting off getting a job since.

Now that she has no savings, she STILL wants to be a SAHM and have me foot the bill for her lifestyle and let her and my nieces move into my house. I’m unmarried and child free so I could afford to let them move in and pay for everything for a little while, but my sister even to this day refuses to get a job which is what irks me.

She essentially wants to play SAHM role in my house while I take care of her and her kids financially.

Obviously, I said there was no chance I would ever allow this, and she needs to face the consequences and finally get a job after all these years.

She’s saying how she can’t get anything more than a minimum wage job because she has never worked before and doesn’t have a degree and also that she must continue to be a SAHM so that “the girls have normalcy during this hard time without their dad.” I call nonsense and told her she can’t be a SAHM with no other source of household income and that she actually can work because my nieces are at school 8am-4:30pm so she could have a full-time job without disturbing their current schedule.

I feel guilty because I love my nieces and I know they’re all now living beneath the poverty line because of their parents’ decisions, and it’s not something they deserve. But at the same time, I know if I gave my sister money or let her move in she would never leave and make my house a wreck and would keep coming back asking for more.

Also, as much as I care for my nieces, I am not mentally or physically ready to have kids in my home, there is a reason I chose to remain child-free all these years.

Jenny is also fully capable of getting a job, and it’s her own fault she didn’t get one 4 years ago when Jaxon got arrested. I know I’m not obligated to help and it’s her own fault, but I can’t help feeling guilty because they all are my blood family and I know they have nowhere else to turn to.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You do not have to give her a dime or take her in to help. Tell her to apply for housing assistance. Offer to give her a ride to the office where she can apply for emergency housing assistance. It is a thing.

I have a relative who applied and received it.

Remind her that there are programs for those who earn minimum wage and have dependents. If you’re in the U.S., there’s the SNAP benefits program and the housing choice voucher program, among others.

There are others through various charities. There are even charities that will furnish your apartment with well-maintained donated furniture.

There are low to no-cost extracurricular activities for children from low-income households. Even sleep away summer camps that charge less than $50 for a child to go for a week or two.

Tell her she is an adult and will have to take responsibility for her life as well as the lives of the children SHE chose to have. This is the extent to which you are willing to help. Pushing her in the right direction and nothing more.

No rides anywhere else, no money, no babysitting, nothing. She is a mother and that role adapts to whatever becomes necessary for the children. In this case it means she’s going to have to become a working mother.

Good luck. Do not feel guilty.

Your sister needs to learn how to adult, not only for her kids but herself as well.” Foreverforgettable

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your sister made her bed; she should lie in it. She needs to get a job. You could offer to help pay for child care or something, but if she is expecting to just let you pay for everything while she does nothing (a 7-year-old and 10-year-old are not tiny kids; they are in school), she is the major jerk.

She IS lazy and is just mooching off of you. She can get a job. And the whole excuse for her partner not being able to get a job except substance and weapon dealing because he didn’t graduate is total nonsense. There are jobs people can get.

It may not be executive level, but it’s income. I feel sorry for these kids. These people had no business having them.” Defiant_Rule3099

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, it’s an incredibly privileged position for a family to be able to get by on one income while another stays home to do something optional. It also can be dangerously optimistic to put all one’s eggs in one basket as she did — it’s not unheard of for breadwinners to lose their jobs, become seriously ill, walk off, go to prison, or pass away.

The children are school-aged now. Time for employment. She won’t step up to take care of her own children if she’s enabled. The guy isn’t exactly a winner. That’s who she chose for herself. That’s who she thought the children deserved as a father.

These are largely self-inflicted problems.” paul_rudds_drag_race

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anma7 3 months ago
NTJ... stay ste9ng and maybe help her get financial assistance if possible move to lower costing housing etc... DO NOT let her and the kids move in cos she will then trash your home n when he gets out he will be in your home too livingoff you bringing the cops to your door and getting your address on the police watch list
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14. AITJ For Choosing My Wife's Family Vacation Over My Own Family's?

“My family has always been well-off. And by that, I mean like we would take family vacations two to three times per year.

It’s still like that now, but I’ve noticed a difference in how my family acts now that my (F27) wife (F24) and I are married.

About three weeks ago, my dad booked a trip to Italy. Everyone was excited; the family group chat was lit up for days following the announcement.

I called my dad and talked to him for a while, and eventually, I thanked him for including my wife who’d always felt left out. There was a slight pause, and he told me that he booked the rest of the available seats on that particular flight, and there was only enough for him, my mother, grandparents, my sister + her husband, and me.

He booked it without even taking my wife into consideration. Now I know what a lot of people would think, that it was just a mistake, but I don’t think so given the fact that my wife has been excluded in other ways before, and if it were a mistake, he’d do everything he could to change it before even announcing the vacation.

My heart sank. I looked at my wife who could tell something was off, and I told my dad to just give my seat to someone else because if she wasn’t included, I wasn’t going. In the past, I was able to include my wife myself, but I was tired of us being singled out.

They never did that to my sister and her husband; they’ve always included them as a couple. But when it comes to my wife and me, we’ve always had to figure our own way into the mix as if we weren’t to be taken seriously.

I’m not doing that now, and I drew the hard line in the sand this time. This man had the audacity to say that she and I could book our own flight and just, you know, meet them there. I simply said “absolutely not” then hung up.

Needless to say, my wife was in tears. She was upset, but she was glad that I was sticking by her. A couple of days went by, and we decided to go on our own vacation to a much humbler location (large rental cabin) with her family, who are all downright amazing.

Well…my family found out and they have not stopped blowing up my phone. My mom called me one night during all this and said that I was being unreasonable and that there’s no way I couldn’t just book a separate flight and instead book an entirely different vacation with her family.

I explained to her that that wasn’t the point, that the point was that they had excluded my wife from every family-related event ever since we got married which always put me in the position to fix it. My mom basically called me crazy and that I was overthinking a simple mistake on my dad’s part.

For some reason, I’m starting to think that maybe I am overthinking it and that I should just talk with my dad to see if excluding my wife was intentional (which was another point my mom brought up). AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

And your mom was wrong; it wasn’t a “simple mistake.” It wasn’t a mistake at all.

Because no matter how long you and your wife have been married, I’d be hard-pressed to believe that your dad magically forgot that you ARE married. No one books a vacation for themselves, their own spouse, their parents, their kids, and their kids’ spouses, and somehow “forgets” that one of their kids is married and that they need to include that kid’s wife.

The very suggestion of it is preposterous.

Either you and your wife have been married for a while, in which case your dad “forgetting” one of his own daughters-in-law suggests a serious medical issue that he should probably have checked out… or you are relatively newly married, in which case, your wedding should be fresh in his mind, and it’s even stranger that he would somehow “forget” the DIL that his daughter literally JUST married recently.

Nope. He forgot nothing, and this wasn’t a mistake. I’m sure there will be plenty of speculation about his motives (homophobia will likely be the primary suspect) but I won’t even do that, because I don’t know your dad so I have no idea what his motives would be.

Perhaps it is homophobia, but perhaps he just doesn’t like your wife. Doesn’t matter. No matter what his motives are, he and your mother are being disingenuous by pretending that consistently excluding their own daughter’s wife from family events is no big deal. It’s the BIGGEST deal. And you have every reason not to want to be around them if this is how they are going to treat the woman you have chosen to spend your life with.

You are 100% NTJ, and they owe you a huge apology. And even then, you still don’t need to vacation with them. Go enjoy yourselves with the side of the family that treats you BOTH with love and kindness.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Your father is being needlessly cruel.

He’s an adult. Adults teach others how to treat them. You expressed your feelings. Your father ignored them. By ignoring them, he’s consciously choosing to hurt you.

Your mother doesn’t acknowledge your feelings. She’s also choosing to ignore how you feel.

She just calls you the problem.

Your mother is gaslighting you. She’s making you feel like the crazy one to get you to continue the behavior.

Your parents either have dementia or are consciously choosing their cruelty. I’d recommend sitting them down or having a serious conversation.

No nonsense. You ask them why.

You lay down the law. Either your partner is treated equally or you don’t let your parents have the gift of being near you.

Parents who consciously choose to hurt their children don’t deserve a relationship with those children. Full stop. They’re not entitled to their children just because they contributed half of the DNA.

It doesn’t matter if they didn’t mean it. Their intentions do not, whatsoever, excuse the damage they cause. They do not get to mistreat your partner.

I’m not saying you have to cut them off right away or at all. This is just a lay down the law situation.” mimi7600

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

There are multiple signs that your family is flaming jerks. Your Dad booked flights including all of his immediate family including spouses except for one person. That’s a jerk. There’s a high possibility homophobia is why your relationship is less real to him than your sister’s.

That’s even worse. Your mother, sister, and grandparents were apparently okay with your dad’s plans, which yikes, more jerky behavior.

Your plans to politely stop playing their stupid games and plan a trip with the family who has accepted and loves you both are not hurting your family at all.

I say this very gently, but you may have been a soft jerk in the past if you had looked past your family’s mistreatment of your wife and forced her into uncomfortable situations that hurt her, just because you enjoyed the comfort your well-off family could provide you.

It may have been easier and more fun for you to ignore the bad parts and go on the fun trips, but she was constantly being hurt. It does sound like that’s no longer the case though.” Rikutopas

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anma7 3 months ago
NTJ... you CLEARLY AND OBVLIVOUSLY missing the point OP... sis is married TO A MAN and he doesn't get ignored or left out and never has... . you aremarried TO A WOMAN and she has always been ignored and or left out..... let's not beat around the bush.... they either are NOT HAPPY about your sexuality but don't want to out themselves or think that by ignoring wife she's going to go away and they will not have to deal with it any longer....
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13. AITJ For Refusing To Send Photos And Updates Of My Daughter To My Mom?

‘My husband (M35) and I (F32) have been married for five years, and I gave birth to our little girl one year ago. Having a baby was a dream come true for the two of us as we had been trying for a long time, and my parents (M61 and F55) were over the moon.

That being said, however, my parents have yet to meet ‘Emma’ as they live on the other side of the world, and they have said that they will never come back to our home country (no particular reason, they just feel that they would rather spend their money seeing new places rather than traveling for two days to see the city they were born and raised in).

Totally fair enough, but tickets are also quite expensive for my now family of three meaning that we haven’t yet been able to go see my parents.

In the meantime, my husband and I consistently send photos and videos of Emma to my parents, and we video call at least once a week.

The problem we are facing though is that neither my husband nor I want photos of Emma online anywhere – regardless of how ‘shut down’ anyone’s social media is. This is a solid boundary, and we have not had anyone push this except for my mother.

My mom posts EVERYTHING online, and I mean everything. She posts photos, long paragraphs detailing her activities, and ‘check-ins’ on social media at least once a day. She claims she is doing it so that she can look back at the Memories function and be nostalgic.

My husband and I have no issue with her posting her own business, but we are quite private people and have had many problems in the past where she posts details about us and our lives claiming to be proud and wanting to look back.

This meant we were crystal clear about photos/details about Emma and that she would not receive any more information if anything was posted.

Well, we recently discovered that she has somehow blocked us from seeing her posts on social media (to be honest, we aren’t on social media often enough to really notice) and has been posting photos of Emma at least once or twice a week since she was about eight months old.

We discovered this when an aunt sent me a message saying how cute Emma looked in my mom’s post.

We were furious, and I immediately called my mom asking what the heck she was doing. My mom said she was proud and wanted to be able to look back on when Emma was so little and that she was doing it out of love.

I told my mom that if she ever expects to meet Emma in person, I want all photos to be taken down and she will not be getting any more photos/updates until I feel like I can trust her again. My mom is devastated, and my dad is telling me I am being selfish.

My husband agrees with me, but my dad’s words really got to me and I am wondering if I am being a jerk.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

To block certain people from seeing certain posts, you have to specifically filter the post visibility. You cannot do it accidentally.

She already had the picture sent to her to look back on; she didn’t need to upload it to social media to do that.

She knew your boundaries; she knew what she was doing. She’s devastated she can’t promote the doting grandma persona on social media anymore.

Selfish? Oh, like meeting the actual grandchild is not important enough to return to their home country even once but go traveling around elsewhere? Or like deliberately hiding the fact they’re uploading photos without your permission?

Make sure you have concrete, live proof that everything has been PERMANENTLY deleted. If you don’t use social media that much you may not know – social media puts deleted posts in a ‘recycle bin’ for 30 days now and they can be recovered at any point in that time.” Bellamontage

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. The selfish one is your mom. If she wanted to “look back” she could just save the photos. What she actually wants is to get attention of being a grandmother. She wants everyone to know she’s a grandma and to get all the likes and comments on her posts.

That’s the only reason she’d post on social media. That’s basically the main reason there are photos on social media. Attention.

Also, what crappy grandparents. Like I get not wanting to visit a place because they’ve been there already and want to visit new locations… but visiting family, especially your new grandchild is not the same thing.

Like my sister lives in a boring state with nothing to do except look at corn. However, I still want to visit her and my nieces because they’re my family.” Own_Purchase1388

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

What is selfish is deciding that your social media and ability to scroll back through it is more important than respecting your daughter.

There is nothing selfish about what you are doing. Your mother did this to herself. She has a phone that saves photos, so she can scroll through that any time she wants to “look back” on your daughter. She wants to get attention on social media and THAT is why she is posting.

There’s no reason for her to be “devastated” because what she did was no accident. She knew you didn’t want photos posted on social media. She blocked you from seeing that she was doing it anyway, which is absolutely not an accident. So your mom not only doesn’t care about your boundaries, but she is also a schemer and a liar who went to extra (small sure) efforts to make sure she got away with doing what you asked her not to do.

No more photos for them, and I’d put other people who are sympathetic to her on a photo diet as well.” mfruitfly

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anma7 3 months ago
NTJ.... she knew what your reaction would be hence the reason she blocked you on her posts.. tell dad that you don't want your daughter becoming some sick weirdos fantasy fodder and that once things are on the internet they are there for ever
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12. AITJ For Stepping Down As Bridesmaid Last Minute For My Best Friend's Wedding?

“My best friend “Tom” (36M) and I (34F) are really close. Our fathers were friends since their teens, and our mothers were friends at college. His mom wanted a daughter, so when I was born she became my godmother.

Tom is engaged to “Ann”, their wedding is going to be in less than 2 weeks.

Tom and I live in a different state from our parents, so most of the wedding party is Ann’s friends and family, Tom wanted his brother (“Jim”) to be a groomsman and asked me to be a bridesmaid. With Jim, we’re the only 2 people related to Tom in the wedding party.

During dress shopping day I noticed that all the other girls were very cold towards me. They would either ignore my attempts to initiate conversation or give very short answers. Every time I was with them, I tried to bond, but I was getting uncomfortable with the situation until Ann’s cousin started to attend these events and interacted with me.

My godmother came earlier to help Jim move out of Tom’s apartment. He’s been living there since he got a job here last year. They co-own the apartment, but he decided to sell his share and move out before the wedding. Ann wanted him to move sooner, so they could remodel the apartment to be more “her taste.” This would spark a lot of arguments between them.

Last week my godmother called me, she was very disappointed with my behavior and wanted to talk to me. She said she was expecting me at the bridal shower that afternoon and I didn’t show up, just like at Ann’s bachelorette party. I showed her my phone and there was no invitation to go to either event, in which I had no idea they were happening or when.

I told her about the cold shoulder I would get every time I was doing something with them, and it wouldn’t surprise me if they wanted to have a party without me to be more comfortable among themselves, it wouldn’t bother me if they had not lied about me refusing to participate out of spite for Ann.

She promised me she wasn’t going to talk to either Ann or Tom about it because I did not want to create drama.

On Monday Tom called me asking “what’s going on.” His mother and Ann had a huge argument over the apartment renovation (again) and after Ann said something like, “It would have been done sooner if Jim had moved to a hotel sooner.” My godmother blew up which prompted Ann to admit she never wanted us in the bridal party.

Tom was angry at me for not letting him know I was being treated badly before things got to that point. I told him I didn’t want to add to his plate and create more arguments around the wedding, but since Ann never wanted me as a bridesmaid I’d step down.

I knew Jim wanted to step down long ago because of the arguments around him moving, but he didn’t for Tom.

Now Ann’s friends are calling me a jerk for stepping down so close to the wedding as “revenge” on Ann. They say I should just apologize Ann for all.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ at all.

I hope your friend sees all these bright red flags for exactly what they are and runs. None of this is on you. They were trying to push you out, got caught, and now they’re painting you as a villain when it’s obvious who the real jerk is.

Hint it’s Ann.

I wonder if Tom realizes Ann is about to reconfigure his entire life to her tastes, not just his apartment. 1000% willing to bet she would manipulate him into not being friends with you anymore and isolate him from everyone else.

Her mask is slipping.” plantsb4putas

Another User Comments:

“If Tom wants you to be in the wedding party, you should be a ‘groomswoman.’ The fact your godmother assumed you were behaving badly is something that the two of you need to work out. A presumption of goodwill/intentions is foundational to all relationships.

That aside, Tom should not be marrying Ann if she is already trying to alienate him from his best friend and his brother, and can’t bother being civil to his mother. Ann clearly has some maturing to do, as do her friends. But you’ve done the right thing here based on Ann and her friends’ behavior.

NTJ.” Dance_Sneaker

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

As Tom’s best friend, you have to help him see some inconvenient and uncomfortable truths.

Ann sees no problem with removing you and Jim from his life while inserting her friends into the slots you leave behind.

Ann sees no problem with lying to his mother in order to create disharmony.

Ann’s steamrolling her way through the wedding party list so that THE GROOM couldn’t even pick his own best man is controlling and manipulative behavior.

If Ann is like this now, what is she going to be like after the wedding? She’s already put on her lying cleats and is digging in on what levels she’ll go to in order to make the two people closest to him feel uncomfortable and unwanted. What is she willing to do to remove you completely?” Reddit user

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Fatima 3 months ago
Ann is very bad news. NTJ.
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11. AITJ For Getting Financial Aid When I Have A Trust Fund To Fall Back On?

“So to start I am going to college in a week and have gotten my finances all settled, finished the government aid forms and so it’s handled. Well, my mother was part of that process because she is required to sign forms and I needed a notary, so she helped me with all of that stuff.

Today though she made a very snide comment about me being greedy and when I asked her about it she made an even more hurtful comment about how it feels unfair to her that I am receiving financial aid when I have a trust fund.

To be clear, I got the funds when I was very young because of an accident I was in. It isn’t an ungodly amount, but it’s been gaining interest for the past decade and a half, so I’m hoping it will last me most of my life.

It’s there to make my life easier because someone else caused my life to be much harder. I will use it for a car, a house, rainy days, and yes college (at least what’s not covered by financial aid). I haven’t touched it because I have a job and I don’t want to become dependent on it, but my mother seemed upset that I wasn’t just gonna pay for college all out of pocket because I have extra bucks.

She even said that she “shouldn’t have to pay for your (my) college with my tax dollars just because you’re greedy.” My mother and I see differently on financial stuff, especially the fact that I believe education should be free to the individual but that means the group must pay a little bit more.

Financial aid is a big part of that ideology. My mother agrees education should be free; she just doesn’t like taxes.

I understand where she’s coming from (I think), but the only argument I can vouch for is maybe that I took someone else’s spot.

Someone who didn’t have a trust fund they could use on college and I understand that but I got the financial aid. They decided that I had both the need and the GPA for financial help, and that’s because I never take any money out of my fund.

If I did it would be counted as income, but I don’t; I work a minimum-wage job and ride a bike to work because I can’t afford a car or gas until my college is finished. I save, and I have a difficult time paying for groceries.

I don’t think I’m greedy or entitled or spoiled, and I definitely don’t think I should have to pay nearly a hundred thousand dollars on college just because I have some extra funds due to my accident.

So, I’ve come looking for some moral guidance, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. The government has decided certain things qualify for aid and certain things don’t. If you filled out the forms as honestly and completely as you could (and I know it isn’t always easy), then let the government decide what aid you deserve.

Also, it’s extremely unlikely that you are taking someone else’s spot, so don’t worry about that.

My advice is to be grateful for the opportunity, do your best in college, and try to get a good (fulfilling and well-paying) job later. That’s the right move here.” NebuLiar

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, and it’s not fraud. Colleges I don’t believe can have access to your savings account. Financial aid is based on your IRS end-of-year annual income report and that’s it. I can technically pay for my own college but my state offers a lot of tuition waivers at community colleges.

You just have to give the college ten hours a week. I utilize this option even though I can pay on my own because our taxes are covering it anyway. Your mom paid into the financial aid with taxes and when you enter the workforce your taxes will go into financial aid so you’ll be giving the money back essentially.” Professional_Grab513

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You don’t have a trust fund; you have a compensation payout from a life-altering incident that occurred when you were a young child.

I would stop calling it a trust fund and start calling it what it actually is. You were entitled to these finances due to what happened, and you shouldn’t be ashamed of it.

Your mother is likely jealous that you’ve got these funds to fall back on and is bitter she hasn’t benefited from them.” JBB2002902

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anma7 3 months ago
NTJ... mom is jealous.. oh and you dot have a trust fund AT ALL... you have a victims support payout.... BIG DIFFERENCE. Ignore mother she will never change her mindset
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10. AITJ For Giving A Bad Tip At The Restaurant My Friend Manages?

She wasn’t even the one serving them.

“My (23F) friend who we’ll call Mary (24F) is the manager at this trendy bar/restaurant located in the downtown area of my city.

On Friday night after I got off work, I decided to meet up with one of my good friends for a few drinks and a bite to eat.

I’ve only been to Mary’s restaurant once, but this was years ago, so when my friend suggested we try there because she’s heard good things, I was down.

We didn’t have a reservation, and the place did look pretty busy, but surprisingly, we were able to get a table within like 10 minutes on the upper level of the restaurant by the bar.

Mary was helping out at the front of the restaurant seating people and was the one who took us to our seats. We said our hellos and had our small talk, and she assured us that we’ll be taken care of and that if we needed anything to let her know.

So we’re sitting there for a good 15-20 minutes waiting for our server to greet us and take our drink orders and no one comes. We’re both getting impatient, so I flagged down another server that I saw and asked her if our server was going to come take our orders because we’ve been here for a good 15-20 minutes.

She’s like, “Yep, someone will be with you shortly.”

Another 5-10 minutes go by, and finally, someone comes to take our order, and we finally get our drinks.

I kid you not, another 25-30 minutes went by, and our server did not come over to us once.

Not to offer us a refill, not to see if we wanted food, nothing. We tried waving her down a few times, and she kept assuring us she’d be with us shortly but never came.

I understand that the restaurant was busy, and she had other tables, but in my opinion, 25-30 minutes with no service is just unacceptable.

So I waved down another server once again and asked her if someone was going to be over to serve us because I couldn’t locate our server. She once again was like, “Someone will be with you shortly.”

So at this point, my friend and I are fed up and starving.

So we put our jackets on to leave and walk up to the bar to ask for our bill. One of the other servers brings us our bill which came up to like $18 for both drinks. I slap a $20 bill on the table, and we start walking out (my friend e-transferred me her half).

We end up leaving to go eat elsewhere, and I get a text from Mary asking why we were so rude to her server and didn’t tip?

I explained to her that the service was horrible, and due to that we did not stay, and I did not give a proper tip to the server.

She said that I was downright rude and disrespectful. I told her I’m not tipping for crappy service.

She thinks I’m a jerk for this and is currently not speaking to me. She told two of our other friends, and they both think that it was rude for me to not tip the server and to just walk out.

My friend who was with me at the restaurant agrees with me. I don’t know, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ- I have worked in restaurants and understand that being a server can be very stressful when busy, but 30 minutes of sitting with only one drink and no one taking your order is ridiculous.

Your friend as the manager should be walking around and making sure customers are happy and have been taken care of. I have a hard time tipping less than 20% due to the fact that I have been a server, but if my service is crappy, I have tipped less.

Also, restaurant employees should be a team and helping each other, if that means cleaning a table for another server, getting a drink or drink order, taking a meal order, or even delivering the food. It sounds like the restaurant needs more training on its staff.” RevolutionaryTie2888

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I work at a bar/restaurant and this would be deemed unacceptable at my workplace as well. There are times when our servers do forget about tables and they flag me down instead, even though I’m not a server, I’ll try my best to help them whether that be getting them a refill, extra sauce, bringing up the e-check for them or just plain out looking for the server.

I will find out who has that table and flag them down.

That server who wouldn’t help you and kept saying, “Someone will be with you shortly” is utter nonsense and poor teamwork quality. They could’ve at least taken on an extra table and told the other person about it because that server was clearly struggling.

Working in a place like this requires TEAMWORK to make the dream work, as my workplace puts it, you have to help each other out. That place was sinking due to poor communication, poor teamwork, and poor management. I’m sorry that was your friend’s restaurant, but she wasn’t being a good manager that night.

Not saying she’s a bad manager in general, just saying she wasn’t on her A-game that night.

That restaurant’s service didn’t earn a tip so you didn’t tip. Buuuut slapping the bill on the counter was a bit passive-aggressive, in my opinion, but you were justified. Still NTJ.” BooksAreLifeRead1

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Many years ago (30-40), I had a similar experience. A friend and I visited an upscale restaurant later in the evening to have a few drinks – we already had dinner. The restaurant was not busy at all – very few people in there.

Our server took at least 30 minutes to get us our first drink, and then never returned to the table. When we tried to get her attention, she wouldn’t look our way. When she finally brought the bill, we had been there for well over an hour.

The bill was $9.93 for 2 drinks. I left her $10. Frankly, she didn’t deserve the .07, but I didn’t feel like waiting any longer. We left and had to wait for an elevator. As we stepped onto the elevator, she came into the elevator lobby and literally threw 7 pennies at me.

I haven’t had service quite that bad since then, and I’ll never forget it. But, if it happened again, I’d absolutely do the same thing.” Missmymeme

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Fatima 3 months ago
Who exactly were you supposed to have tipped? You didn't get served. To whom were you being disrespectful? You could barely get the attention of anyone even with numerous attempts by you, and you were shrugged off even then. Does Mary understand this? She's being ridiculous and you're NTJ. You knew the difference between being in a busy place and being rudely ignored. Mary is calling you a liar. She needs to get over herself.
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9. WIBTJ For Turning In My Coworker For Mocking Me?

“So I work for a small company, and I started about 2 years ago.

At first, things were great, and for the most part, I really do love my job. Most of my coworkers are great, and the work environment is pretty positive. However, there’s this one guy (Bob) who has taken to making incredibly snide remarks about my faith almost daily without fail.

For context, I am a practicing Christian, and I am strong in my faith. But, I am NEVER one to shove it down someone’s throat or even bring it up unless explicitly asked. I have been witness to holier-than-thou people enough in my life to know how obnoxious and unwelcome it is.

The only reason he knows I am religious is because I wear a small cross necklace, and at lunch (we eat together as a company), I -silently- make the sign of the cross and pray quickly before eating. It is a private motion. I purposefully make sure it’s small and not in anyone’s face.

Well, Bob started noticing, and HE was the one who started asking me a ton of questions about my faith. First, it started as just mild questions like, “Oh, are you religious,” “How often do you go to church,” and stuff like that. I really didn’t mind; I can talk about my faith no problem as long as you’re respectful.

I can even laugh at certain things. I like to think I am open enough to not get offended at the first sign of judgment or questions. But it quickly became constant remarks that come across as way more snarky and condescending. Here are a few examples:

He was talking about substances with another coworker, and I was within earshot, and he goes loudly, “Oh I’m sure YOU’VE (me) never done substances, right? You good little Christian?”

“What do you have for lunch today? The holy eucharist?”

-to another coworker as I walk up- “Oh hush, we can’t talk about that in front of Miss SAINT over here!”

These are just a few of an endless list of remarks he’s made. I don’t make judgmental comments about his life or anything. When I first started I was friendly with him but now I barely acknowledge him and he STILL makes all these comments purposefully when I’m within earshot and I am just getting so sick of it.

I snapped at him at lunch one day when he made a very rude assumption about my faith, and I said, “Excuse you. Please stop talking about my faith when you yourself have said you know nothing about it.” That worked for a bit but now he’s picked the nagging back up and I’m so tired of it.

I’ve gotten much shorter with him recently, and my other coworker told me I should try to be nicer.

I don’t know. I think I’m within my rights to be tired and sick of his attitude when I have been nothing but civil and friendly with him previously.

I am thinking of taking it up with my boss, but it’s a small company and I know that it would make this thing a huge deal bc Bob loves office drama and always talks about other people. Yet, I feel like I have the right to work in peace and not be on edge every time he’s near my desk.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, you have a right to practice your religion in your workplace if it’s not going to impact anyone. You also have a right to a safe workplace; that includes one free from bullying.

There is nothing wrong with asking about someone’s faith to become more knowledgeable; however, it’s not acceptable to weaponize that knowledge and use it against someone to make their workplace uncomfortable.

Another question could be asked, is this happening to others, would it be acceptable for a person of Muslim faith or Mormon faith to have people comment on their faith this way?

No, and there are consequences and workplace rules that are part of the agreement when you’re employed (and part of legislation).

They’re doing this because they think you’ll suck it up and not complain and they can continue feeling like the big person and get their dopamine hit. (Which they get from the direct and indirect bullying because they can see how it affects you when others are making comments.) Write things down when it occurs; it’s easier to go with evidence.” Mythbird

Another User Comments:

“MAJOR NTJ.

Bob and your coworker are on the other hand jerks, in Bob’s case for mocking and insulting you for your faith and belief and your coworker for having the audacity to tell you to please be “nice” to Bob.

They are suggesting that you’re the one who verbally “assaults'” Bob when he is the one who takes every chance he gets to mock you for your faith.

Take it up with your boss right away. This is bullying no question about it and if the workplace is truly serious about work ethic then surely something must be done, you shall not be forced to work in a place where your faith and beliefs are mocked constantly, you should be able to work peacefully without walking on eggshells and waiting for Bob to hurl another insult at you without you doing anything to provoke him in the first place!!

The only thing you have done is to make the cross sign in front of your chest and make a small prayer before eating in front of Bob, and even then, you didn’t flaunt it in his face instead he was the one that pointed it out and took advantage of your kindness to make you speak about your faith and then start to maliciously mock you for your faith and belief.

That was basically the “first sin” that you had committed to his face!” Silent-Special-1869

Another User Comments:

“Please report him. I am an HR rep. This goes against so many things! He is creating a hostile work environment for you. He is bullying you. He is treading on your religious beliefs – which are protected by law.

Start making a log of everything he does and says. If it was me I would do it right in front of him! You do not have to be nicer, accept this bullying, or “be the bigger person.” He needs to stop being a bully and leave you alone.

When you go to HR, have a detailed list of things that happened. Stick to events and what occurred. Make sure you say you feel you are being bullied and it is a hostile environment for you. He is actively going to other employees and talking negatively about you.” harleymomma45325

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Fatima 3 months ago
This by every definition pretty serious harassment. You must speak to your boss. Take detailed notes on Bob's constant commentary. Describe all occasions prior to any note-taking. It would not be tolerated by anyone if his aggressive and derogatory mockery centered on someone's weight, gender, disability, etc. No one should be treated so rudely about anything. Bob needs an education in proper workplace behavior. Being "nicer" to him will not improve him. You were already nice. This is his own little personal bullying campaign he decided to do all on his own. I'd be ready to bring the hammer down.
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8. AITJ For Purchasing An Old Car Without My Wife's Knowledge?

“We both have a savings account each. A joint house account. And a secondary savings account each as a fun fund.

Apart from the house account. Which we both pay set amounts into. For use on food, house repairs, electricity, gas (not petrol), etc. Our finances are separate.

I (24f) bought a 1988 Jaguar Xjs recently. Using my fun fund account. It’s not going to be “useful” and it’s my first project. But I’ve not done much on cars before, and I’ve always wanted to try fixing up something like this.

I’ve talked about wanting a project car with her lots before, and she’s always said she doesn’t have a problem with it, but we need a house first. So when we got the house, I started saving for one.

Since having the house, I’ve asked and still said that it’s fine for me to get one. But every time I showed her one suddenly she didn’t like the idea. But when I asked without showing a specific car in mind she was happy with the idea!

I got fed up. And I bought one without showing pictures to her. I’m not going to lie, I knew she wouldn’t like it. She’s hated all the others.

My daily is a 2000 Vauxhall Corsa c. It was very cheap to buy. It’s small. Cheap to run.

Slow. And can fit a surprising amount of “stuff” inside or on the roof.

Now my wife (23f) does not drive. Does not have a license, and does not want to drive. Has anxiety around cars in general, and is scared she’d have an accident.

So I drive her everywhere she wants to go. In the Corsa. While she’s welcome to the Jag, I get that she probably won’t want to, and that’s fine too.

What I didn’t expect was how angry she would be that I got the project car instead of a new practical car that replaces the Corsa because the Corsa is very basic and going on 23 years.

The Corsa cost 500 quid when I bought it, and it’s basically had no problems for 4 years. I’ve always thought it quite a useful car, seating 5, and with practical storage options, frankly, I didn’t realize it NEEDED or particularly want to replace it.

She also called the Corsa our car, and I said no it’s MY car because she doesn’t drive, and I take care of repairs, and I pay for fuel, it’s in my name and I bought the bloody thing in the first place.

Her argument is I take care of car stuff because I earn more than her. $2,500 more a year. And that I take care of our family car stuff because she doesn’t like them.

She’s also angry that I’ve been putting £100 less a month into my savings account and into my fun fund instead of spending on a pointless project car, and not a more practical daily car that would be less low, and better for her back.

And is worried about us having less in savings collectively. I argued when I bought it, one of its selling features was it was taller, and had better seats for her back than my car at the time. And that joint savings is what we do with the joint account.

She’s furious with me for doing this and wants the Jag gone. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You bought something after previously discussing the conditions with your wife and meeting those conditions, then she’s moved the goalposts. Then instead of giving you legitimate reasons, she seems to be making up excuses as to why she’s annoyed with you for purchasing something she had agreed to (even though it’s from your fun spending account!)

I think you need a frank and honest discussion about what her issue is here. If she’s annoyed that you’ve put fewer bucks into your savings account, can she take the same amount out of hers and put it into her fun fund? Or can you put extra in the next few months so you both have the same?

You’re allowed to have hobbies, especially when you’re funding them yourself! My partner has two hobby cars, one of which I think is absolutely hideous, but it makes him happy so who am I to judge? It’s his hobby, not mine. Perhaps make clear to her that this car is for your enjoyment and pleasure, rather than a replacement for your everyday car.

As your wife, she should be respecting your hobbies just as you should respect hers.” alwayscold666

Another User Comments:

“Given the setup you describe, NTJ for buying the project car. As long as you’re doing all your car-build purchases out of your own fun budget and not shorting your marital financial goals.

You guys might need to discuss a joint savings account though, if it turns out you were on different pages about how much discretion you had with personal savings.

Given the convo about your daily driver, it sounds like maybe you and your wife need to better communicate about individual vs marital property, and maybe start jointly saving to replace the old car with something more comfortable in both your names.

Whether or not she learns to operate it, she does use it (as your passenger), and letting her have a stake in your next family vehicle might resolve some of her unhappiness and your resentment.

She can’t have it both ways though – if cars are your responsibility because she’s not interested in them or willing to contribute to upkeep, she doesn’t get to gripe about your car choices.

If she wants input, she needs to contribute to expenses and informed decisions.” Reddit user

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You’ve been completely open with her about wanting the project car and you honored her request to wait until after getting a house. You bought it with your separate funds as well.

She can be mad all she wants, but she cannot dictate how you spend the money that is separate from the joint account as you both have separate finances from each other.

As a guy who restores old cars, I’m warning you the cost of restoration adds up quickly.

You’re going to want to learn how to do things yourself fast. The cars I’ve done have been out of production for more than a few years, hunting down the parts for those is an interesting feat in itself, lol.” 12b332

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LizzieTX 3 months ago
NTJ, and your wife needs to be reminded that she agreed to you having a project car. End of discussion. She sounds horribly controlling. I think y'all desperately need couples counseling. Good luck.
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7. AITJ For Trying To Get My Sister To Change The Name Of Her Baby?

Nothing’s worse than someone trying to take what you already claimed.

”My husband and I (M33, F32) started trying to have a baby several years ago. Around that time, I told my sister (F30) that we picked the name Lori for a baby girl. But my sister immediately decided she liked the name and wanted it.

I dropped the conversation because I didn’t want it to turn into some weird competition.

Fast forward two years, my husband and I were dealing with fertility issues and had experienced multiple miscarriages. Based on doctors’ suggestions, we decided to start IVF. My family, including my sister, were all aware of these issues.

While chatting one day, my sister mentioned that she and her husband were also ready to try for a baby. Lori was still on our baby name list, so I figured I’d bring it up and hopefully avoid an awkward situation later.

I said, “I know I brought this up years ago, but we’d still really like to name our baby Lori if it’s a girl.” And my sister basically said, tough luck, I want the name.

I tried explaining to her that Lori had been on our list for so long, and after years of doctor’s appointments, bad news, miscarriages, and surgeries, it would mean a lot if we could use the name we picked. I pretty much begged her to let us have Lori, and for her to just pick a different name.

She responded with, “You’re seriously going to play that card?”

Her reaction really hurt me. She then told me we’d just figure it out when one of us is pregnant, and essentially left the conversation on the note of “whoever gets pregnant first gets the name,” which seemed to be another unnecessary competition.

We started IVF, and it went terribly. We found out we were pregnant (again) and that there was a huge chance we were going to miscarry (again). And it was a rough time because we had to wait several weeks for an ultrasound to know if the pregnancy was viable.

During that time, my sister called to tell me she was pregnant, and her due date was just a few days away from ours.

By the time we got the ultrasound, our baby was gone, and I needed surgery. I didn’t make any public announcements, but I let the family know about my health issues and that we had lost Lori (yes, we named our baby Lori).

My mom told us that my sister respected our name choice and difficult situation and would pick a different name. However, my sister and her husband wouldn’t tell anyone the name until birth.

Imagine our shock when they announced the birth of their daughter Loriana.

We felt like their name decision was cruel, and we were (and still are) very upset. I didn’t say anything to my sister because I didn’t want to start any drama — but I confided in my mom how upset we were. She informed me that my sister and her husband were mad I asked them not to use the name Lori.

In their opinion, Lori and Loriana were different enough names, and I am overreacting and was wrong to ask them to pick a different name.

So, tell me, AITJ for being upset at their name choice?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. And honestly, people who haven’t gone through infertility and loss cannot begin to imagine the hurt that comes with other losses like the loss of the name you chose for your baby who didn’t make it (we lose so much when we lose a baby and have to do infertility treatment – it’s not just the obvious things, but it’s also the loss of how you thought your life would look, the loss of knowing that you’ll never get to experience parenthood, the loss of time, finances, and energy, often the loss of things like privacy and certain relationships and the ability to be happy for others’ pregnancies and children in a totally uncomplicated way).

You’ve had a lot of loss already, and there are so many other forms of loss along the type of journey you’re having, and your sister made it all much much worse instead of supporting you.

I really struggle with all the people here saying you can’t “claim” a name, but I don’t see that as what you were doing here.

Amidst unimaginable heartache that your sister will never understand, you were attempting to hold onto one little piece of your dream for your child, which is that name. You were trying to prevent losing yet another thing amidst all this. You were hoping that your sister would understand.

Instead of responding with compassion, she chose basically the same name as your lost child and pretended it was different enough to not matter. What she did was cruel.

FWIW, when I was in the thick of IVF, I was so terrified of my sister or SIL getting pregnant and using the boy or girl name that my husband and I had picked out before we even started trying, and I talked to both of them about it and shared the names, and they both quickly said something like “of course we won’t use those names.” For all the people who think you should never share names or that you shouldn’t try to “claim” a name, I offer up this story.

I think that especially within the context of a years-long struggle with infertility and miscarriage, this is a reasonable thing to do and kind people will agree to not use those names.” witchoflakeenara

Another User Comments:

“Nobody’s the jerk, don’t share names if you don’t want other people putting them on their own lists.

No one owns names, and despite your loss, you still used the name you intended and she picked another, while similar, still not the same. Even if she used it, that’s her choice to do so. It isn’t like there’s only one Lori in the world.

She has a right to name her baby whatever she chooses. While your struggle is difficult, that doesn’t mean you get to call names and forbid others from using them. The first child born ultimately gets the name and it’s up to you if you want to use it as well.

You’re allowed to be hurt and feel whatever you want to feel, but to let it affect relationships isn’t acceptable.” Reddit user

Another User Comments:

“Nobody’s the jerk.

I am deeply sorry for your loss. The grief process can be complex and it sounds like you are still in the process.

No one has the right to a name. Some cultures name their children in a familiar order. 1st son is named after the paternal grandfather, 2nd son – maternal grandfather, then oldest paternal uncle, etc… same with the daughters. You end up with multiple children with the same exact name.

There can be four Georges and three Helens who are all first cousins. Many get nicknames. Some people use the same name for multiple children, especially if a child has passed and one is born after the passing. It happens all the time (Amateur genealogist here, I can’t tell you how many times I have seen it).

Don’t punish your niece for her name, it wasn’t her choice. Give her a special nickname if it is too painful to say her proper name, one that gives you and your niece a special bond. Maybe your sister loved that name more than you, who is to say?

At the same time, maybe she has her own issues she is dealing with, including issues with you, and she is punishing you by being spiteful. Do you truly know?

No one. No. Single. Person can take away the memories, hopes, and dreams you had for your daughter and your pregnancy by using the same name.

Even your sister. Don’t give her that power over you.

I am not trying to minimize your experience but maybe you should ask your fertility doctor for the name of a counselor. The fertility journey can be extremely difficult, especially when you lose a child or heartbreakingly worse, multiple children.

There are therapists who help specifically with this type of grief.” Adventurous-Bag7166

Another User Comments:

“Honestly – my personal thoughts are YTJ here. I get that you are hurting, but you don’t “own” a name. Who would have cared if both of your girls were named Lori?

And she changed the name to a variant – a beautiful one that also respected your claim on “Lori”. So let it go. Love Loriana as a niece, and when you have your own beautiful baby, if it’s a girl, she is Lori – and these 2 cousins can feel connected by the name – unless you make it horrible.” TempyIsMyName

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anma7 3 months ago
NTJ.. however don't share names if they mean so much to you.. sister knows your baby is going to get special treatment due to your struggles etc.. amd by stealing the name it's the 1 thing she can take from her own child... that said we have multiple names in my family... ie grandma lucy, my sister lucy, oh and my neice is a lucy too.. my aunt is jackie my youngest sister is jacqui.. its not such a big thing here in the UK i guess.. you don't own a name however i think sis has done it out of spite... butn9 you can't ask her to change the name at all
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6. AITJ For Trying To Force My Brother To Attend My Father's Memorial Service?

“I (28M) have two brothers; “Ronny” (30M) and “Caleb” (23M). Caleb is our half-brother, long story short… 11 years ago, someone contacted our father with the information that Caleb was not his son, and after that, all heck broke loose. DNA testing was done and well it was found out that, in fact, Caleb was not his.

Our mother had had an unfortunate minor affair with a coworker and the rest is history.

Dad moved out, filed for divorce, and completely stopped talking to Caleb. Caleb was just a young boy and this was unfortunate, I agree. Other family members tried to persuade him to not do this but he was just too angry and heartbroken at the time.

Caleb also shut down because of this. I should mention that we brothers had a good relationship always and no other family member shunned Caleb. It was just an unfortunate situation overall.

It took him 4 years to get over it and he tried to rebuild the relationship between him and Caleb, but I guess the bridge had been burned by then.

Caleb completely rejected every attempt at reconciliation, which is understandable. Over the years, Dad tried to the best of his abilities to try and be in Caleb’s life but Caleb has turned away from every attempt. The only time that we could get Caleb to meet Dad was when we received the diagnosis in 2021, he wasn’t enthusiastic about it but I guess he gave in to the pressure of the family.

Their meet was very underwhelming and with how sick Dad started getting, he couldn’t try to contact Caleb but asked us constantly to persuade him for forgiveness.

He passed away on 3rd February, Caleb didn’t come to the funeral. But we are having his memorial service over the weekend and I informed Caleb about it who again as usual said no. I got a little annoyed, the man is dead now.

He tried his best to rejuvenate their relationship. The least Caleb can do is remember the good times we had before the unfortunate situation began and respect and honor those memories. I don’t want him to speak at the service or anything but him being there would mean a lot to our dad’s spirit.

I told him so, and he gave me the silent treatment as usual. Word got to Ronny who was totally angry with me for pestering Caleb and asked me to leave him alone.

I don’t think I’m asking for too much here. Over the years, Ronny and I have bent over backward to make sure Caleb’s feelings never went unheard and that he knew how loved he was.

This is pretty rude behavior for him, in this time of grief.

So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. The fact you refer to your mom’s behavior as an “unfortunate minor affair” tells me everything I need to know about your biased butt. Your mother chose to have an affair!

And then she stuck your father with raising a child that was not his for 11 years! Caleb is the victim on all sides here. His mother destroyed his family, and his father rejected him at age 11 (which sucks but it is also understandable that the dad needed distance to grieve).

After all that trauma, he has to deal with the man that rejected him trying to come back because now he regrets that he traumatized his “son,” and now he has your butt pestering him about a memorial service. I’m just sad that your brother has not had a chance to heal from all this.

If you care about your brother and your relationship with him, stop mentioning your dad, go give him a hug, and tell him you’re there for him, even apologize for not understanding where he is coming from.” username123duh

Another User Comments:

“Whose feelings are you taking into consideration?

Not Caleb’s, who was rejected by your father. (As an aside, I’m not going to weigh in on a man rejecting a child once he finds out the child is not biologically his. We don’t need to answer this question to render judgment.) You’re not taking Ronny’s feelings into account, because Ronny doesn’t care.

And your father is dead, so he doesn’t care.

Given all of the foregoing, you want Caleb there because you want him there. How selfish can you be? Caleb obviously doesn’t want to spend his precious time at a memorial for the man who rejected him.

Of course he’s going to give you the silent treatment when you ignore the very real pain that your father caused Caleb when your father stopped loving an 11-year-old and turned his entire world upside down. Stop trying to coerce your half-brother for your own selfish interests.

And in case it wasn’t obvious, YTJ. Majorly.” He_Who_Is_Right_

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Caleb doesn’t owe that man anything. If you had asked him to come to support the living family members, that would have been different, but he’s still not the jerk for not going.

I went to lots of memorial services and funerals from my friends growing up, at one point I decided I was just not going to any anymore no matter who it was, so I skipped a couple, then my whole family died and people showed up for me and I understood that funerals are for the living not for the dead.

But everyone has a right to grieve however they choose, he’s not a bad person for not wanting to come. You’re not a bad person for wanting your brother around for your dad’s funeral.” IntelligentMeal40

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Fatima 3 months ago
You can't accept Caleb's feelings because what happened to him didn't happen to you. You are majorly the jerk here. Let it go. You can't fix it, there's nothing left to fix. Ronny is right. Pestering Caleb is wrong. Be a brother again and drop this hot potato while you still can.
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5. WIBTJ For Not Accepting An Inheritance From A Narcissistic Family Member?

“My (29f) mother (62f) and I have been no contact for several years.

I won’t go into the entire backstory here as it’s too long to recount, but in short, she’s a very manipulative and narcissistic person – I’m not the only one whom she has no contact with in our family because of this. Basically, by going NC, my life has significantly improved and so it was a shock to get a message from her a few weeks ago telling me my grandad (her dad) had sadly passed away.

My grandad lived many miles away, and I hadn’t seen him for a while, but the negative traits associated with my mother were all inherited from him. He was a very bitter, angry man throughout his life, and I have lots of bad memories of being around him as a kid that I’d rather not think about.

He clearly favored my brother and pretty much ignored me when he wasn’t being horrible to me.. My grandma, on the other hand, was a lovely person who sadly passed away a decade ago.

Anyway, it turns out my grandad left everything to my mother in his will, despite her having four siblings.

We’re talking around 800k in property and another 100k in his bank account. I have no idea why he’d do this as there were no issues between him and his other kids but my brother and I have come to the conclusion that she’s emotionally manipulated my grandad into doing it in the last years of his life.

So, it turns out, my mother wants to gift my brother and me 50k each out of this inheritance. For me, it’s a life-changing amount as I’m a single parent, and it would pay off some debts and also go towards my son’s education, ideally.

But the whole thing just doesn’t sit right with me. I feel like it’s blood money, and it would be used against me constantly. My mother is the kind of person who would say, “Well, I did this ABC thing for you. Now you owe me XYZ.” Given that I also had a bad relationship with my grandad and he didn’t leave anything in his will for me (he did for my brother by the way), it just feels wrong.

My brother says to just take it and that I’m being a jerk for feeling like this when my mother just lost her dad and it’ll just cause more trouble. I’d rather just be getting on with my life, happy but pretty poor than unhappy and with her back in my life and finances.

If that makes sense.

So WIBTJ if I refuse the inheritance and keep NC with my mother? Sorry if this is a bit garbled; I’m a bit upset and feeling sick at the thought of all this drama that’s coming my way no matter what I do.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but take the inheritance.

You will get no reward or thanks from anyone for taking this principled stand and not taking it definitely reduces your child’s standard of living. If you take the money, she has no more control over you.

You don’t have to talk to her because she gave you some money.

I’d see it as one small positive coming from a huge negative. If you feel that bad you could at least clear your debts and return the rest to your uncles/aunts if you feel it belongs to them.

Heck, you could give them all of it if you really want to.

If your aunts/uncles are reasonable people I think they’d tell you to take the inheritance and enjoy it. If I was in their shoes I’d rather my niece got some money, and it really helped her out rather than my greedy sister keeping it all.

Talk to them maybe?

There’s next to no benefit in not taking the inheritance, in my honest opinion.” RicePrestigious

Another User Comments:

“NTJ whatever you do.

That said, if it were me, I’d take the inheritance and then invest it or put it in a high-yield savings account somewhere for a bit.

This allows you to sit with it and decide how you really feel without feeling pressured.

Meanwhile, I’d go back to no contact with your mother. You can keep enforcing whatever boundaries are needed there, and if she says, “Well, I gave you this inheritance,” you can truthfully tell her that she’s welcome to have that back, but you need her to not contact you again regardless.

You may decide after some time has passed that you still don’t want it. You can then decide to donate it somewhere, give it to other family you don’t share your scruples (perhaps one of the kids he disinherited), or try to give it back (perhaps as a cashier’s check).

Just make sure you talk to an accountant and aren’t facing any major tax implications.

On the other hand, after some time has passed you may find yourself sitting on more money (from the investment or savings) and feel differently. In which case you can use it to start an education fund, towards a downpayment on a property, etc. You may even decide to put it toward something that emotionally feels “right” given the history behind it like therapy for you and your kid to work on breaking cycles of generational trauma, a non-profit that supports people experiencing emotional maltreatment, a donation in your grandmother’s memory, etc.

The point being, once you divorce it from the emotional activation you feel right now because you’re forced into contact you don’t want while deciding and feel forced to decide, it’ll probably be a lot easier. If you invest it well it’ll only grow in that time and I think you’ll feel more in control and able to make a rational decision that’s right for you when it isn’t a “raw” thing for the rest of your family.

If you simply take it and never talk to them again, it’s none of their business whether you ever use it (whether for a practical or frivolous purpose) or whether it sits forgotten in an account somewhere.

If you truly can afford to not take it, you can afford to keep paying off whatever debts while those bucks sit in an account somewhere.” KelpieMane

Another User Comments:

“Honestly, you have a kid. I can’t believe you’re even thinking about not taking the inheritance for him.

Just take it, put it away for school, and go back to NC. Don’t you owe your kid every advantage considering you said you’re a poor single mom?

What if you died next year in an accident and he has no finances for future school or life? YTJ if you don’t think of your son and focus on your anger/bitterness about your narc mom. Change your number, move, or do whatever you have to do to keep her out of your life after you take the inheritance.” curiousarcher

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anma7 3 months ago
NTJ.. take the money pay off your debts put the rest in a education fund for son.. keep NC with mom simple?..
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4. AITJ For Refusing To Take My Partner To Events My Ex Will Be Attending?

“I (24F) have been in a wonderful new relationship with my partner (31M) for about 8 months. My ex (25M) of 3.5 years who I had broken up with a couple of months before, is still in my core group of friends. I have no ill or remaining feelings towards my ex and am totally ok with being around him.

I still am happy to be friends but also understand we’re both broken up and are each on our own journeys to heal and move on.

My friends all really like my current partner as he is always happy to join and excited to be involved when getting together, but so far my ex has never met him and I know he would probably be very hurt to be in that situation (espeically since it has been less than a year since our breakup).

There are a few occasions (once in a blue moon) where my ex will be attending a board game night, dinner for a b-day, etc… which is totally fine! But I have communicated with my current partner that it might be best if he stays home when my ex is there on these occasions.

I don’t want to hurt my ex who is still healing, make my partner uncomfortable, or create any tension for my friends as being in the middle of two friends breaking up can be difficult. Of course, I know this isn’t easy or fair for my partner.

He trusts me but he still isn’t very happy when I ask him this, and I completely get why.

I hate myself for doing this because I know it isn’t right, and I try and explain to him that I just don’t know what to do in the situation and what might happen if he attends.

I’ve never had an ex before, and I’m just really conflicted and confused about what to do. A reason I broke up with my ex-partner is because he made our relationship very hidden, and so it hurts me so much to feel like I’m doing the same thing for my partner in this instance.

I am so proud to be with such an amazing person and am happy to be with him any time anywhere and would never in a million years hide him away, but in this instance, I just don’t know what to do. It never feels good to ask him to be excluded like this.

The easy solution is to just not go if I don’t want my partner there. But I still want to be present with my friends in these situations because they’re usually special occasions like the birthday of one of our core friends, etc. And of course, I want to be there for them even if my ex is there.

but the few times this happens I hate that I’m putting my partner in this position. I just wanna be the best partner I can be to him but also navigate and maintain my friendships that are tied to my ex. Any advice to navigate this situation would be so appreciated!”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ to assume your ex is not over you and you need to guard his feelings. Next, YTJ for excluding your current man because of an ex. That would be a huge red flag for anyone. You want to hang out in a friend group with your ex and leave your current partner at home.

Read that again. For argument’s sake, let’s say your ex isn’t over you and still has feelings for you and wants to get back together: how do you think that makes your current partner feel knowing you want to be around the ex without him?

It doesn’t matter whether you want to be with your ex or not; you have an intimate history, and it would be disrespectful to your current partner to hang out with him.

Now let’s turn the tables on yourself in your partner’s choice and look at the situation if the tables were turned. He says there is a birthday dinner with friends, but you can’t go because ex is there, and he doesn’t want to hurt her.

She is healing, and it might hurt her to see you.” Reddit user

Another User Comments:

“Soft YTJ.

I understand that this is a new situation for you, and navigating a breakup, especially one where you remain active in each other’s lives is hard.

You guys have been broken up for a year, though. That’s enough time for him to have moved on, and if it’s not, that’s not your responsibility anymore. He’s a big boy, and he doesn’t need you to cater to his feelings anymore.

You’re not his girl anymore, and so that’s not your place.

Furthermore, he has to know you are in a new relationship, right? You need to move on with your life, and that includes bringing your new man to events where your ex might be present.

It’s okay to be considerate of ex’s feelings, but like I said, a year is more than enough time for him to get a handle on himself.

You also need to think about how this affects your current man. Why are you hiding your ex from him?

What are you avoiding? Why is it okay that you go hang out with him and have fun but not your current partner? If I were him, I would definitely not like the fact that you were essentially putting your old partner’s feelings before your new one’s.

It’s gonna be an uncomfortable and awkward situation, but if y’all are to remain in the same friends group, it needs to happen eventually. And if your ex is uncomfortable with the situation, he can leave. It’s not fair to exclude one person because the other one has the issue.” el_torko

Another User Comments:

“Wow, I seem to be in the minority here, but I’m actually going with nobody’s the jerk.

People assuming you still have feelings for your ex seems off to me. You share a friend group with him, and the fact of the matter is that that makes things more complicated than if you didn’t.

It sounds like you’re the one who broke up with him and you don’t want to hurt his feelings and you don’t want to cause drama in the friend group. You’re not wrong for that. Your partner is not wrong for being upset or saddened by it, either.

Here’s the thing: I don’t think anyone is particularly in the wrong here, it’s just an awkward situation. But if you want to stay with your current partner and have him feel welcome in your life, then this can’t last forever.

You might just need to pull your ex aside and say, “Hey, I just want to give you a heads-up. I want my partner to feel included and get to know my friends better, so I’m going to be bringing him around more.” He can do with that information what he will.

If he needs to distance himself, so be it. I get wanting to remain friends and protect his feelings, but you can’t keep basing your life decisions off what works best for him.” blondewhiteicedmocha

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anma7 3 months ago
YTJ.. so you ended it woth your ex for doing exactly what you are doing to your current partner... way to go OP
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3. AITJ For Getting My Stepdaughter's Hair And Nails Done Against Her Mother's Wishes?

“My (29F) husband and I have been together for six years and married for four, so I’ve known my stepdaughter (15F) since she was a young child.

Her parents share custody, and she spends weekends with us, has her room in our house, visits whenever she wants to, and I absolutely love her. I have a two-year-old daughter with my husband, so my stepdaughter visits us a lot in the week to see her as well, so we spend lots of time together basically.

She’s a really good kid, and we get along really well. I don’t have much of a relationship with her mother, but my husband’s divorce was very acrimonious from what I can gather (they broke up years before we met).

She’s currently really into hair and makeup stuff, but her ma doesn’t allow her to wear any makeup or dress the way she’d like to.

I accept that that’s her mother and it’s her decision the rules she makes for her daughter. Last week, it was her birthday, and she spent the weekend after it with us. On that Sunday, I had an appointment at the salon to get my hair color maintenance, and I was getting my nails done after.

I was expecting my stepdaughter to be doing something with her friends that afternoon, but they canceled their plans with her, so she was going to be home alone. I was going to cancel my appointment, but she begged me to let her come to the salon with me instead, and I felt guilty saying no, so I said yes.

I told her that she could maybe get a pedicure or something, but nothing major, but I have absolutely zero resolve, and I caved and let her get her hair cut and styled and a really minor mani/pedi (not acrylics or anything, just a simple file and polish).

I’m telling myself it’s because it was her birthday weekend, but I know I have a problem saying no to her. She’s such a good kid, always gets good grades, super polite and kind, and I just felt like she deserved it. I know I’m not her mother, and it wasn’t my call.

Her mother was absolutely furious when she saw, and it’s caused a big riff between her and my husband with her threatening to not let our stepdaughter visit us if I’m going to “rub off on her with my bad influence” (I believe she used worse words than that to describe my “influence” but it’s not important so we move.)

I feel like I’m the jerk because I’ve created conflict between my husband and his ex when their co-parenting relationship is already very fragile, I got my stepdaughter in trouble with her mother and just generally caused a lot of tension because of my inability to say no. I’m also torn because I just wanted my stepdaughter to be happy on her birthday weekend and didn’t want to disappoint/upset her.

Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, it sounds like you care very deeply for your stepdaughter and she feels safe around you! That’s ultimately the most important piece of this story.

Growing up my mom was anti-materialistic, and I never got to try makeup or traditionally “girly” things.

Being comfortable in my femininity was a huge struggle in my late teens/early 20s because I’d been withheld/shamed for being interested in “superficiality” as a child.

It seems like your stepdaughter’s mother has an issue with your age and how much her daughter actually likes you.

And to be fair, given your closeness in ages, it is rather unprecedented. Any sort of positive relationship between the two of you would be an issue she’d find problems with. I hope you and your husband are having some serious conversations about how to manage co-parenting moving forward and how her mother might try to get in the middle of your relationship.

(Keep everything bio mom has ever said to you well documented/dated just in case).” Alternative-Ad3401

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – her reaction has more to do with her own issues and insecurities than anything else. It’s really sad when parents stop thinking about what’s actually good and healthy for the kids and put their own feelings as a priority instead.

And if there is a court order (which I hope so in this case), no judge is going to change custody because you took her to the salon and got her the haircut she asked for.

There isn’t much that can be done with the mother.

She’s going to be stuck in her feelings for as long as she allows herself to. The only suggestion I can make is to make sure she doesn’t dictate the rules in your house as well. It’s co-parenting. Which means her father is allowed as much say in his daughter’s life as the mother.

Whether or not both parties can understand and respect that is up to them. Good luck.” This-Performance-583

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. “I accept that’s her mother and it’s her decision” does it anyway. She is not your daughter and you knowingly went against her actual parent’s wishes.

I’d be furious too because you way overstepped your role. From a completely neutral standpoint, I agree that the daughter is old enough to make choices like this and think it was a nice thing to do given her bday plans were ruined. But yes you are a jerk for taking someone else’s child and doing something you know they aren’t okay with, and as a result, strained her actual parents’ co-parenting.

This isn’t, what we all think is the right thing to do or not; this is, am I the jerk and based on the situation I am in. It is never okay to go against a child’s parents’ expressed wishes unless those wishes are harmful to the child.

Not wearing makeup or getting your nails done isn’t harmful, even though I think it’s a stupid choice myself, it’s not my choice or anyone else’s choice to make because it’s not our child.” Calm-Association2774

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LizzieTX 3 months ago
NTJ. It's not like you took her to get a tattoo, for heaven's sake. It was a very minor manicure and a cut and style. Sorry, but if her mother has a problem with a 15 year old getting her hair cut and styled, I shudder to think what that girl's home life must be like. Hair grows and polish can be removed. OP did nothing wrong. Mom needs to get over herself and face that fact that her daughter is growing up and naturally interested in looking her best. Good luck.
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2. AITJ For Refusing To Invite My Dad's New Partner To My Wedding?

“I (26F) and my fiance (25M) are getting married next summer. We have been together since we were 18 and 19, and we both have broken families nowadays.

My parents got a divorce when I was 20 because my father had an affair on my mom with our neighbor. My mom naturally was devastated, and she had some really rough years after the divorce. During those years, my mom and I grew closer than we’ve ever been, and now she’s one of my best friends.

However, I’ve had very little contact with my father after the divorce. I found his acts unforgettable and disgusting, so I decided not to reach out as much. I haven’t asked him for a dime since I was 15, but he still sends me some every now and then (nothing huge, like $300 about twice a year).

I think he does this because he feels guilty.

Both of my fiance’s parents have remarried and I’ve spent quite a lot of time with their new spouses. We’re inviting both of my fiance’s parents and their new spouses to our wedding. My mom has been with a new man for a little over two years.

Both my fiance and I have met him, and he’s nice. He makes my mom happy and that’s all that matters to me. My dad continued to stay with the neighbor after the divorce. I’ve never spoken to the woman, and neither has my fiance.

I’ve seen her a few times due to her being our neighbor, but I’ve never said a word to this woman and she’s a complete stranger to me. I also have some hatred and resentment towards her, since she’s the reason my parents broke up.

I know that it’s not completely her fault and my dad’s to blame as well, but the neighbor knew my parents were married and that they have kids. I have a hard time understanding why she would break up a family like that.

Even though I have very little contact with my dad, I’ve decided to invite him to our wedding.

He is not going to walk me down the aisle or be a big part of the wedding, he is simply a guest. I felt it would be too cruel to not invite him, and I was also scared I would regret not inviting him.

His invite said nothing about a plus one, only his name.

He texted me a few days ago asking if his new partner, the neighbor, can come to the wedding with him. I answered nicely and calmly, that I only invited him to the wedding since he is my family and I want him to see my big day.

He got upset that I didn’t extend the invite to his new partner. He claims that it’s gonna be awkward if he comes alone since he doesn’t know our other guests.

I do not want his new partner at our wedding. The woman is a complete stranger to me, so why would I want her there?

I also see her as a cold and evil type of person, due to her acts in the past. I also want my mom to enjoy my wedding and have fun there, and it’s going to be difficult if the neighbor’s there.

Am I being cruel for inviting all of the other partners of our parents but not my father’s?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

It would be one thing if this was a different partner than the affair partner. People bring plus ones to weddings all the time that the bride/groom never met. But it is just disrespectful for your father to think it is appropriate to bring his affair partner (who it seems is still just a partner and not a wife) to the wedding of his daughter from the marriage he destroyed with said partner.

You have done your job. You extended the obligatory invitation to him. You have told him that it’s a no for the partner. The ball is in his court now to either respect it and come or not come.

I will go ahead and warn you that you need to have some form of security available to you on the day of the wedding because this just screams that he will suddenly have a change of heart and tell you “ok” and then bring her anyway on the big day.

Word your statement back to him that if your boundary is disrespected his invitation will also be revoked and security will escort him out. It’s your day, and you are due respect for not having the reason for your family’s downfall at the union of your new family.” Mysterious-Wave-7958

Another User Comments:

“He is fortunate that you were gracious enough to invite him.

He has some audacity to even ask to bring his affair partner to his daughter’s wedding. A woman who has not only devastated your family’s life but it sounds like hasn’t made an ounce of effort with you since.

I would say that if a father cannot handle turning up to his daughter’s wedding without his affair partner glued to his side, then he should skip the wedding altogether. You were forced to handle the emotional implosion of his affair, so I’m pretty sure he can handle an “awkward” few hours of not knowing your guests and perhaps make an effort as the father of the bride to actually get to know them.

It sounds like he makes very little effort with you in your day-to-day life and he should view this invitation as an excellent opportunity to be a part of your life and join in celebrating such a momentous occasion. Instead, once again, as with the affair, it’s all about him and what he needs.

He is entitled.

I would go so far as to say that even if he was paying for every cent of the wedding I would still not invite her. But I assume he’s not contributing either and presumably expects you to pay for his affair partner to have a seat at the table.

Dream. On.

It is your wedding day, you don’t have to have anyone there that you don’t want there and that’s the end of it.

NTJ.” Perfect-Comfortable4

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

People who have happy marriages don’t have affairs. Your dad was a jerk for not divorcing your mom before starting a new relationship.

Also, you weren’t children when they got a divorce but a 20-year-old adult. So breaking up the family is somewhat hyperbolic.

Parents’ relationships should really be separate from their children’s relationships.

Your dad was obviously unhappy in his marriage or else he wouldn’t have had an affair.

He is still with this woman, so it wasn’t a passing fancy, and the only reason you don’t know her is because you haven’t spoken to your father or his partner.

It is a complete jerk move not to invite her. Do you know every single partner who is coming to the wedding?

Do you know every one of the people your husband is inviting and their partners?

The only reason she is not invited is because you want to punish your father and signal to everyone that is what you are doing.

At least have the balls to admit that and just don’t invite your father.” Potential_Honey_955

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anma7 3 months ago
NTJ...however don't be surprised if he brings her anyway
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1. AITJ For Approving Of My Dad's Marriage To His Mistress?

I can’t imagine the level of hurt her mother must be feeling.

“My parents’ marriage was a mess. For as long as my sister (29F) and I (27M) can remember, they would argue about every single thing, every single day.

It seemed that they were unable to decide anything as a couple without arguing. As I was growing up, more often than not my father would end up sleeping in the guest bed in my room instead of sleeping in his own bedroom.

One day, when we were in our late teens (17 and 19), my dad sat me and my sister down and told us he was going to ask my mom for a divorce.

He asked us how we felt about it and, honestly, my sister and I were sure it would come to this sooner or later, so we assured him we wouldn’t resent him for it.

That night, my father asked for a divorce, and my mother begged him to stay with her.

She tried everything: begging, threats, blackmail… She even tried convincing him that she was pregnant. The neighbors ended up calling the police because of my mom’s loud cries. Mom and Dad were able to explain the situation and the cops left, but my dad agreed in the end to try counseling in order to defuse my mother.

They never did go to therapy, because, once my father agreed to stay, my mom decided they didn’t need it.

About four months later, my mother found out my father was having an affair with a woman, let’s call her Anna. My father confessed, told Mom he had been seeing Anna for the last couple of months.

He asked my mother for a divorce and, this time, she agreed.

My sister kind of distanced herself from the situation, but I LOVE Anna. Ever since I first met her all those years ago, she’s been trying her best to be respectful of me and to also bond with me.

My partner also adores her and the feeling is mutual, whereas my mom has never approved of our relationship because of her colorful hair, piercings, and tattoos.

On New Year’s Eve, my father finally proposed to Anna. They asked me to be the best man, and I accepted right away.

My sister later asked me if I was sure I wanted to do that, because of how my mom would feel. I said I completely understand that my mom will always be resentful of Dad and Anna, but I love them and I want to be part of their wedding.

My sister sighed and dropped the subject. I thought it was the end of it, but I was wrong.

Ever since then, my mother has been constantly texting and calling me, telling me to back out of the wedding party. She says she will never talk to me again if I don’t.

My mom says I’m horrible for making her relive the trauma of losing another loved one to Anna.

I feel really bad about this, but I also don’t want to give in. If I am not allowed to be in my father’s wedding, does it mean that my mom will also forbid me from having them in my wedding?

I don’t want to cut contact with my mom and I hate that this is the hill I’m going to die on, so AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

I don’t even know if I’d call her a mistress. Your dad was in the process of getting divorced. He ended the relationship already.

Legally, sure. But morally, in my honest opinion, a relationship ends when either party says so. The paperwork is just the paperwork.

He could and should have handled it better, but he wasn’t exactly sneaking around. He told you, your sister, and your mom he wanted a divorce.

He wimped out because she was going mental to the point the cops got involved, but even that was a conditional situation. Which your mom refused to comply with. I wouldn’t call that an affair, and I absolutely hate that stuff.

Respectfully, your dad doesn’t sound like a saint but he sounds like the better of the two parents.

And he’s not the one giving unreasonable ultimatums. I would tell your mom you will respect her decision, have a great time at the wedding and if she decides not to talk to you again that’s her decision.

Don’t detonate your relationship with both parents to appease the parent that likes you the least.” ExcitingTabletop

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your mother is manipulative. She convinced your father through manipulation to stay in spite of living a toxic relationship with your father (not blaming anyone, it simply was toxic).

I can’t blame your father for having found someone else. That marriage was already dead from the moment he asked for a divorce and your mother was only trying to keep your father under her control (begging, threats, blackmail… like, seriously?

That’s messed up!).

You and your sister are both grownups and your mother has no say in the relationship you both have with Anna, which seems to be a totally healthy relationship.

Your mother is guilt-tripping you, and it seems to be working to a degree.

So, you do you; go to your father’s wedding and be the best man if that is what YOU want. That DOES NOT affect your mother at all, and she will have to suck it up; you’re not a kid anymore.” mr_cesar

Another User Comments:

“ESH I would never have accepted being friends with the lover of any of my parents, does not matter the circumstances, not even going to their wedding.

I would have not chosen a side and ESH because your parents both are making you choose one.

I would not have asked any of my kids to be part of the wedding with my side piece, I would not have asked them to back out if they did accept the other parent marrying the lover (but I would be extremely hurt if they did, even if I wouldn’t let them know).

Your sister is the only one that has some decency and logic.” Ritzanxious

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You did end up picking sides. No matter how their relationship was, you make it sound like your mother deserved what happened to her. How could you take such a stance?

And you’ve continued to do so. Your father manipulated the situation from the beginning, can’t you see? He planted the seeds to pave the way for the divorce by roping you and your sister BEFORE even discussing it with your mother. Your sister was smart enough not to fall for it but you were not.

There’s no way the affair started when your father stated, it had probably been happening waaaay longer. Why hate your mother so much? You taking this stance of best man means you support your dad hurting your mother. Shame on you.” queenlegolas

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anma7 3 months ago
NTJ... mYbe remind mom about how growing up was about the police visits EVERYTHING and tell her that you remember it all and as such if she met someone you would want her to be happy too
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