People Bravely Write Down Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories

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Dive into a whirlwind of moral dilemmas, family disputes, and personal quandaries. From questioning the ethics of refusing to financially support an addict son, to the awkwardness of ignoring a mother's tantrum, this article explores the intricacies of human relationships and the difficult decisions we sometimes must make. Are these actions justifiable or are they stepping over the line? You decide as we navigate through the murky waters of real-life scenarios, where right and wrong are not always black and white. Prepare for a roller coaster of emotions and thought-provoking situations. Welcome to the world of "Am I The Jerk?" AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

21. AITJ For Being Upset My Partner Made Himself A Better Meal Than Me?

QI

“So for context, most nights I make my partner food, even when he doesn’t specify what he wants I will make him the same as me and I try to make it nice every time.

Tonight he had the day off and I was working all day so he offered to cook and asked what I wanted. I said I wanted ramen with some sides (e.g., spring rolls, bao buns, etc.).

These are frozen, take literally 10 minutes to make. Fast forward, he calls me down to give me a bowl of instant ramen (I’m not mad at all, that’s what I asked for) and that’s it. I wasn’t too bothered, okay he forgot the sides, big deal. Until I see that he’s made himself a full-blown steak to go with his ramen, egg in his ramen, the works.

I asked if he did me any meat to go in mine and he just said, “No, you just said ramen, that’s what I’ve made you.” I just stopped speaking to him as it hurt my feelings that he didn’t try for me when I make him food every night.

To add salt to the wound, he has a much higher spice tolerance than me (he is well aware of this) and has added so much chili it is inedible for me.

So I feel like I might be the jerk here when he has made me food and made me nearly everything I technically asked for.

It’s just hurt my feelings and I feel unappreciated as even if he says he doesn’t know what he wants, I wouldn’t go all out for myself and give him the bare minimum. This is probably the fourth time in the past year of living together he’s made me food, I just wanted him to match my effort levels.

I know this is so extremely petty to be upset about. I just want to know if I am massively overreacting.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Sure, he might have made you food, but if he was a genuinely decent partner he should have known that you can’t handle spice.

He should also be contributing more to the relationship, you shouldn’t have to do all the cooking unless this is something you both agreed to. Even if he had forgotten, he should have at least confirmed what you wanted, especially due to the vast difference in your meal’s size when compared to his own.

Absolutely poor effort on his part.” Betelgeuse8188

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Don’t downplay your feelings. You aren’t being petty. You are upset and hurt. What you might need to do is sit your partner down and explain exactly why you are hurt and upset.

It should have been pretty obvious to him, given that he has made an elaborate side dish for himself, that he should make something similar for you as well. It seems that he has the IQ of a doorknob. So sit him down and explain exactly why you are hurt.

If he keeps dismissing your feelings, then you should see that as a giant red flag. Also, if he wants to get a taste of his own medicine, you can just cook the bare minimum for him while making more elaborate dishes for yourself every time he says he doesn’t know what he wants or just gives a simple dish name.

Now that would be petty.” insurrection6093

Another User Comments:

“You are absolutely NTJ, I can’t even imagine. Dude I’m so infuriated on your behalf, what the heck!! If that steak and egg were the last ones in the house, it would either be carefully split so we both would have some, or my partner’s bowl would have them.

If I’m cooking, it’s an expression of care, not an excuse to hoard the good stuff. Plus, the spice thing, that’s absolutely on purpose. Honestly, I bet that your partner was mad and was trying to hurt you on purpose in some way.” rockroseruin

6 points - Liked by Joels, Disneyprincess78, java and 3 more
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helenh9653 22 hours ago
NTJ. He over-seasoned yours, and didn't even ask if you wanted some of his extras. That's thoughtless and selfish.
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20. AITJ For Not Attending My Husband's Family Easter After My Miscarriage?

QI

“I recently had a miscarriage. My husband’s grandparents as well as immediate family are aware of it. Mentally, I am not up for discussion about the topic and I told my husband that I am going to stay home today (Easter) as I am mentally exhausted and need time to myself.

He has been off work all week and I don’t get a second alone. He was upset that I didn’t want to go as holidays are important to him. His family gets together for EVERYTHING, and it’s 30+ people each time. I know he is probably upset and I know holidays are a big thing, so I feel somewhat selfish for wanting this time alone.

He made a comment saying “my dad used to use the same excuse (being mentally exhausted).” This triggered me as his entire family has had issues with his dad as he was never really around (he had depression and anxiety and didn’t attend a lot of family things).

I’ve already decided that I am not attending Easter with his family today. I don’t know if wanting to stay home makes me the jerk and maybe I should have just sucked it up and gone.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. One of the big problems in modern Western society is that we have given up rituals for telling people how we are feeling.

One hundred years ago, when a tragic event occurred like a death, you wore mourning clothes or, at least, a black ribbon around your sleeve. People would know if they saw you that you are not quite yourself at the moment because a bad thing had happened. If you had something like a miscarriage, a change of air was recommended and you would go to the country or the seaside to regroup your feelings for a few weeks or a month.

You don’t have the correct tools to deal with 30 different people giving their ideas about your miscarriage to you across a holiday event. You would lose it. Your husband should simply say that you are still recovering from your miscarriage and didn’t feel well enough to come.

The more sensitive members of the family will get it. The ones that don’t were the ones you didn’t want to interact with in the first place.” Aggravating_Net6733

Another User Comments:

“NTJ: Your presence is never a requirement. It’s perfectly fine for you to decide to take care of your own mental health, even if you’re not aware that you need something until the last minute.

My husband frequently stays home for stuff. I don’t stay at home as much for stuff with his, but we see them less. When we do go see them, I frequently spend time alone, while my kids spend time with their grandparents, aunts, and uncles.

We always want the other person there, but time is a finite resource, and there is never enough of it. Of course there are always comments about the other person not being there when one of us stays behind, but it’s not a big deal.” TooSchoolForCool654

Another User Comments:

“NTJ at all. People will say the stupidest things and not even realize they’re being hurtful. Stay home, heal, and recover, you’ve suffered a trauma. I had a miscarriage years ago and just completely fell apart, my mom and MIL came over, helped with our other kids, and cleaned the house top to bottom for me because I just couldn’t.

About a week later I too was expected to go to a family event and begrudgingly did so. (following is what happened and putting it behind a trigger warning for insensitive commentary after a miscarriage) Sister-in-law in an attempt to make a joke, asked what she had to do to get her mom and mil to come clean her house.

You could have heard a pin drop in a room of 25+ people as I replied “have your baby die,” got up and walked out! She wasn’t trying to be mean, or rude, or even hurt me but people really really really don’t think before they speak sometimes and you’re in a very delicate frame of mind at the moment.

Protect yourself.” [deleted]

5 points - Liked by Joels, Disneyprincess78, java and 2 more
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19. AITJ For Warning My Friend About Her Controlling Partner's Past?

QI

“A couple of years ago one of my (28m) friends (27f) started seeing this guy and this progressed quickly. They were saying they loved each other within a month and moved in and all that.

A couple months in he started gaslighting the crap out of her and forbidding her from doing things, being very controlling.

She spent another month with him before it ended thankfully.

She showed me some of the texts he had sent her and they were truly horrific. Like tearing down her character and how she parents her child.

Fast forward to now, another one of my friends in a different group has started seeing him and I’m seeing similar patterns.

Would I be the jerk for warning her about his past tendencies? She and I aren’t super close anymore but I still don’t want anything bad to happen to her because of him.”

Another User Comments:

“YWNBTJ at all. In fact, you would be the jerk if you said nothing.

Not that your warning might account for much, but if you could show her the messages as proof, maaaaaybe it could change things. Predators and abusers thrive because people don’t know what they’re getting into with them. You can change that just a little bit by taking action here and now.” BetweenWeebandOtaku

Another User Comments:

“YWNBTJ. My only bit of advice is not to tell her in an insulting way entirely. Just tell her the facts. The texts you saw, the things he said, did, etc. If you come off as just insulting she may not fully believe you/trust you.

(As from what I’ve seen those in a toxic relationship get very defensive quickly about their partner). What they do with the information you tell them is their choice, and whether they take your advice or not is up to them, so do not be too pushy about it.” MightyShenDen

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Though leave your armchair diagnoses out of it and stick to the facts of his actions and the pattern of behavior. Warning someone about him using cluster b diagnosis as a label as part of it is going to discredit you and play into the story he’s likely primed her with.

Also regardless of diagnosis abuse isn’t justified or okay so focusing on him being a “sociopath” just makes it seem like you’re saying it’s not behavior he’s in control of and might make her think “I can help him change/heal this behavior if I love him enough.” She might not believe you as often part of the grooming /love-bombing process is the “my ex is crazy and turned everyone against me with her magical woman powers/my exes are all evil and lying about me for fun to ruin my life” song and dance, so she may have been primed to not believe anything you’ve told her until she starts to experience it for herself… So yeah stick to the bare facts without editorializing and let her know that she needs to keep her support network close and (if you’re able to) that if she’s ever alienated from them and needs help she can come to you.

But yeah don’t push or pressure her and give her space.” Autopsyyturvy

4 points - Liked by AnD13panD3rs, Joels, BJ and 1 more
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18. AITJ For Retorting To My Aunt's Weight Comment At A Family Reunion?

QI

“I am a 22-year-old man and a rising senior university student. I have a job, and I’m in the process of applying to professional schools.

I hadn’t seen my extended family in years, so I was really excited when I was invited to a small family reunion.

I’ve always been sensitive about my weight, and I’ve gained some recently, partly due to the SSRI I was taking for clinical depression.

My late father was also overweight and very sensitive about his weight, which my aunt knows.

On the first day of the reunion, in front of the entire family, my aunt commented on my weight and loudly said something along the lines of, “I see you’ve gained weight, OP.

Have you been on a donut diet?” Her tone was condescending as if I were a child, and I immediately responded just as loudly, saying, “Well, I guess we have something in common. You’ve gained quite a bit of weight too.” (My aunt is also overweight.)

She was extremely insulted, and now my family says my presence at future gatherings is unwelcome. I feel guilty and plan on apologizing. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ she can cry at Krispy Kreme for all I care if she has the audacity to make insults like that to family & can’t handle it.

Your family is just trying to save face but if they’re decent people they know you’re right for saying it. My Filipino family says horrible stuff like that too if they think you gained & the older generation gets away with it because of that dumb “elder = unlimited respect” rule.” Domonero

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I’d say your aunt asked for this retort. What she said was unkind and hurtful and you retaliated in like kind. Nothing gets solved this way. When you apologize, remind her you were hurt by what she first said to you and that’s why you responded as you did.

That said, you are the bigger person to want to heal this rift. Hope she accepts your apology and returns the same to you. It’s never okay to insult/joke about one’s weight gain.” Realistic_Head4279

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. While I don’t agree personally that fighting fire with fire is that great of an idea, I do think if she comments on your appearance you have the right to do the same back to her.

Especially since hers was insanely rude (Seriously, donut diet? I’m shocked no one else was upset when she said that yet everyone was mad at you when your comeback was more of a simple comment). If you can, definitely talk to others from the gathering and see if anyone else found her comment insulting.

You can’t control if people liked your comment, but at the very least you should make sure others know what she did wasn’t okay in the slightest.” Joh__doe

4 points - Liked by Joels, Disneyprincess78, java and 1 more
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RisingPhoenix2023 1 day ago
Just because they are blood related, doesn’t make them worth tolerating. Move on.
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17. AITJ For Asking My Homeless Friend To Leave After 8 Months On My Couch?

QI

“So 8 months ago my friend who I do not know very well, (had known them for about 6 months before that and met a few times), reached out to me if they could stay at my place for a few nights. They were in a tight spot so of course I wanted to help.

Thought it would be a few days tops.

Fast forward, it has been 8 months and they’re still sleeping on my couch. Doesn’t have a home and has difficulties finding a place cause of their financial situation. This friend of mine is in their 40s. I am in my thirties if that matters.

And I am starting to lose it.

I am paying for everything else except for the food expenses we have shared. Just recently I decided I want to buy my own food to get at least some kind of a hold of my expenses and a sense of control.

There are a lot of snacks and stuff they buy that I don’t actually eat. Though I’m financially stable it’s not like I roll in money so I am quite strict with the money I use for food for example. Hence deciding I don’t want to share those expenses.

They have been borrowing money from me countless times and these recent times it’s always empty promises when I will get the money back. The last 100 bucks I haven’t had in months and the first promise was that “you will get it tomorrow”. I know they are struggling and that they’re trying.

But the fact is I’m having an almost stranger at my 2-room apartment where I pay for water, rent, and electricity and I have quite a hectic and demanding life. I would love to just melt on my couch after a long day at work, watch Netflix and chill.

But this friend of mine is always there. Talking constantly. Also pausing every series every now and then to tell these stories or things. (Adhd).

I do feel bad for him and I would love to help. But I have started to have panic attacks and losing my sleep and the only reason I can come up with is the fact that I do not have my own space at all anymore.

So WIBTJ if I tell them to leave even though they might not have anywhere else to go?”

Another User Comments:

“No, but you are a jerk to yourself for letting this go on for so long. I thought I was a pushover but I’ve been in a kinda similar situation and lasted probably 2 weeks max before I asked her to leave.

She got mad and was rude, that was the end of our friendship. Some people just want to take from others, your friend is taking advantage of you and you’re enabling him. Stop. You have to learn to stand up for yourself.” throwawayadvice12e

Another User Comments:

“YWNBTJ. He told you it was for a few days not months. Kick him out now. He just uses you as a house to live in without having to do anything. If you can’t tell him the truth say something about your lease that your building manager informed you, that there was only one person on the lease and the second one has to go by the end of the month or you would be kicked out.” Trevena_Ice

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I can guarantee you that you are not the first person, nor the last person, who they have done this too. Kick them out. They are 7.5 months overstayed on their welcome. They honestly have probably stayed longer than they thought they would get away with.

Stop being a pushover. You’re only allowing yourself to be used. 8 months should have been MORE than enough time for this person to get back on their feet… if that’s what they actually wanted to do. They could have saved more than enough for an apartment at this point.

Kick them out. Stand up for yourself. Gain control of your space again. They’ll find another couch to sleep on. I promise. Don’t make the mistake of telling them “next month” or “next week”. Tell them they have 24 hours to be out of your home.

Then change the locks.” MalarkeyPudding

3 points - Liked by Joels, java and BJ
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16. AITJ For Refusing To Financially Support My Son?

QI

“My (43M) son (21M), who I’ll call Jason, is adopted and spent several years in foster care. He has been diagnosed as having ADHD and Reactive Attachment Disorder, and he’s been with various therapists and psychiatrists to help him throughout his life with me.

My then-wife and I adopted him when he was 8. We also have Nancy (15F), who is biologically ours, but to me, this is an irrelevant distinction – I bring it up because she did not have the same sorts of trauma he experienced in foster care, and doesn’t have the same related issues.

After we divorced my ex and I shared custody equally and amicably. Not sure if relevant, but I remarried when the kids were 9 and 14, and life at home was generally good.

When he was 18, Jason moved to his mom’s full-time. Later, he started using substances, and his mom gave him the choice of giving up substances or moving out.

He moved in with friends. He later burgled his mom’s house, stealing from her and Nancy to buy substances. He soon broke off contact with both households. We began to hear from him again when he was 20, and convinced him to go to rehab.

Out of rehab, he refused sober living situations and soon relapsed. Since then he’s been in rehab twice more, the last time finishing in late January.

I don’t know for certain but I believe he’s relapsed again.

Again, rather than pursuing sober structured living, Jason has moved to a larger city where, according to him, he and a friend were now putting a rap album together (he has never previously expressed musical interests).

He has multiple options for safer living situations but insists he do it his own way. I hear from him periodically, but really only when he wants money. I’ve told him several times that I wouldn’t continue to financially support him in a situation that seems unsafe – I’ve broken down and sent him money, but I guess found my spine to finally refuse.

I worry that the money I send him will go to substances.

I love my son and want him in my life, but I don’t think he’s being safe and I don’t think I should keep giving him money. I feel terrible because he’s my son and I love him, but I don’t know that giving him money is helping.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. “I feel terrible because he’s my son and I love him, but I don’t know that giving him money is helping.” This is exactly right. You’re in a really tough spot, but sending him money at this point is only enabling him and ultimately not going to help him.

Since he’s legally an adult you don’t have any way to steer his behavior in a safer and more pro-social direction. The best thing you can do for him at this point is not support his current lifestyle. It might be worthwhile to try to explain to him that you do love him and you want to help him, but sending him money supports what he’s doing now so that would really be hurting him.

And maybe remind him that you’re always willing to help him, which at this point would mean helping him get into rehab and find a more stable living situation.” dandeliontrees

Another User Comments:

“OP, NTJ and your fears about supporting your son’s substance habit likely are well founded. Do not send him more money.

He cannot live with you. A sober living option could be very good. You could make payments directly to the sober living organization; bring your son groceries to help get him started. Short of that, OP, I don’t think there is much you can do.

Substances and drinking addiction do terrible things to people and tear families apart. While you may feel the need to offer an explanation about your son’s background, not every addict can point to a troubled childhood. There are plenty of loving heartsick parents of addicts.” Key_Plastic_3372

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Addiction is rough. On the addict and those who love them. It sounds like your son has an amazing support system. People who love him and who want what’s best for him. Money sent to an addict will be used to get substances.

That’s what their main focus is. You don’t want to contribute to that.  It took a long time to see what enabling my brother was going to lead to. It was hard to say no. But I am so thankful I did. We lost my brother a little over two years ago and I don’t think I could ever forgive myself if I had given him the money he used to chase that last high.

I am going to be praying for your son and your family. Hold on to hope. ” EmotionalFinish8293

3 points - Liked by Joels, java and BJ
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15. AITJ For Not Changing My Wedding Date Despite Family's Objections?

QI

“I (31 female) am engaged to my fiancé, Nick, (33 male). We have been together for just over 3 years and engaged for just over 2 years.

Growing up, I was always like a mother to my two younger sisters, Erica (26) and Sammy (29). Their accomplishments were always recognized above my own by all family members.

When I got a promotion at work, Sammy also announced her promotion. When I was in labor with my second child, Sammy announced that she was in a new relationship with a guy that she invited to the hospital where I was delivering my daughter.

When I was planning my second wedding, Sammy’s now husband wanted to propose to her at my wedding. When Nick and I got engaged, Sammy announced another promotion at work. Right before Nick and I moved into our own place, Sammy announced that she was pregnant.

My mom always praised Erica and Sammy for everything and was always so much happier for them. I have 3 kids, 11, 8, and 2. Each time I announced my pregnancy my mom had nothing nice to say.

With my firstborn, my mom stopped talking to me for 6 months of my pregnancy.

With my second, she told me I was making a mistake. With my third, she told me that adoption was always an option. But with Sammy, my mom has been crying tears of joy and is planning on taking time off work to be there for the delivery of the baby, which also leaves no childcare for my kids that she has offered to watch to save us money on daycare costs and has been babysitting for 3 years.

So now, I am planning my wedding for July of this year. We announced the date of the wedding, and in response, Erica told us that the date we picked was not available for us to get married because it’s the same day that she and her SO of 9 years started being together.

However, no one even knew when they got together.

Also, my mom is saying it’s not a good day because Sammy will be having her baby 2 weeks before my wedding. This date works perfectly for Nick and me. We have expressed that we will not be changing the date, and with that we get the response of “Well, if you do a courthouse wedding and then a reception at a later time, then we can celebrate it on the later date.”

AITJ for deciding to put myself and what I want before everyone else and keeping my wedding date?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Doesn’t sound like anyone is stealing your spotlight. Isn’t your sister allowed to share her good news? Perhaps your mom is just tired of being a caregiver?

I don’t think you need to change the wedding date, that is your choice and can be difficult to do. I do think you need to reflect on your relationships… you are upset she announced her pregnancy because you and Nick moved in together? How does that affect your good news?” Future_External_5134

Another User Comments:

“I was with you up until the part where you’re twice divorced at only 31. Your sister’s husband wanting to propose at your wedding is always a jerk move, for sure and your mother not showing any amount of enthusiasm for your first pregnancy definitely sucks.

But, it’s your 3rd wedding. And you’re only 31. Yeesh. Nobody cares because they probably think this time won’t work out either. And you seriously expect your postpartum sister to show up? Are you for real? You’ve done it 3x. Would you have gone to a wedding 2 weeks post partum?

I don’t know about you, but my wife was barely able to walk again a week postpartum, and we sure as heck wouldn’t be showing up to a wedding after barely just having a baby. YTJ.” R4eth

2 points - Liked by AnD13panD3rs and Joels
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14. AITJ For Not Accepting My Mother's Apology After False DHS Reports?

QI

“My husband and I have been married 6 months. My family has never approved of him for some reason. We have 3 kids from my previous relationship. My husband has really stepped up and is wonderful with the kids.

When I moved in with my husband (shortly before we got married), my parents went insane, saying I was making a mistake, saying I would regret it, using guilt to try to get me to stay with them, and bad-mouthing my husband with baseless claims. I will say, he is a felon, because of a stupid mistake he made when he was 18.

Well, in the last 4 months, we have had 4 DHS visits. One claiming we weren’t feeding the kids, one claiming we were neglecting the kids, one claiming my husband was mistreating the kids, and now one claiming the kids don’t have food or water. On two of them, I know for a fact, that my parents are the ones that called in the report, they said as much.

All allegations are unfounded, we have confirmed we have food and water, they talk to the kids in private (away from us), to make sure. They are not mistreated, we are being a bit more strict than when we lived with their grandparents, but nothing crazy.

We think all 4 allegations were reported by my parents. My kids are homeschooled, so no school teachers would call this in. We have very limited friends, as we both work so much, and we have decent friends, they would come to us with concerns before calling DHS.

The girls are in gymnastics and our son is in Cub Scouts, but again, they would have no reason to believe any of these things.

We take our kids to the doctor regularly, their weights are right where they should be (93rd+ percentile).

She also has this habit of bad-mouthing my husband.

Like one day, once the snow had melted where I live, I sent my youngest daughter to school in snow boots. My mistake, I was tired and didn’t feel like fighting with her to wear her tennis shoes. She bluntly called my husband an idiot for sending her to school in snow boots.

Called him useless and stupid. Just completely went on a rant.

So, I admit, I was a bit rude when I told my mother we needed basic respect if she was going to continue to be in the kids’ lives. I was harsh but I think for the most part fair.

She refused to give us the basic respect we asked for. Immediately started bad-mouthing my husband saying it was all coming from him.

So, I ended up blocking her on social media and on the phone. That’s when the DHS reports/visits started.

I went to pick up some of the things I had left at her place, and found a note attached to one of the boxes.

This is word for word what it said:

“I am very sorry if you feel I have disrespected you. That was not my intention. I will no longer share my thoughts or feelings with you.”

I know a non-apology when I see one. So, I ignored it.

My father and sister think I should accept her apology and move on. I think she needs to come up with a better apology before I consider doing anything.

So, AITJ for not accepting her “apology”?”

Another User Comments:

“What will it take for you to go no contact?

Due to your husband’s past, he could lose a job or something worse if this keeps up. Stand up for him properly and cut these people out of your life. If you have to, take legal action against them. At some point, he may decide it just isn’t worth it and leave.

Is that something you want? You have a choice to make and it sounds like that choice is between a loving husband who is a good role model and father figure for your children, and hateful self-serving parents who do not respect you. It would be an easy choice for me.” ERVetSurgeon

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, an apology isn’t full unless in person. It contains an, “I am sorry for x,y,z” and it has an, “I won’t do that anymore” and also has an offer to make amends, which is doing a task for the offended as penance for the wrongdoing.

The task performed is chosen by the person that is receiving the apology. Maybe send her this recipe for a proper apology and say you will be waiting. In the meantime, think of a task for her to do that is fitting for the offense she committed. Perhaps put up a post on her social media explaining the apology process with the details of the situation along with her apology and an explanation of her posting this as her penance.

It would be fitting, I think.” ConfusedAt63

Another User Comments:

“This woman has called DCS with false reports about you 4 times?!?!?!? You could lose your children! They could end up in foster care during an investigation. I would like to recommend several things. 1.) Write her a note.

“You have knowingly made 4 false reports to DCS concerning my children. This is unforgivable. I no longer want you in my life.” 2.) Sit down with a lawyer. Talk about the implications of false child mistreatment reports. Is this a crime where you live? If so, press charges.

Let the lawyer guide you in the way to do this. 3.) If you can possibly swing it, move. Your mother has tried to have your children taken away from you. It would be far safer for your family for you to live far away. NTJ.” Nester1953

2 points - Liked by lise1 and java
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Disneyprincess78 15 hours ago
Honestly, you need to go no contact, then move and not let anyone in your family know the new address. Do not let her endanger the kids
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13. AITJ For Leaving My Daughter's Choir Concert Early Due To Work?

QI

“My (M41) daughter (f12) had a choir concert today at 10 am!

I left work to see it but had to return right after. There were about five or six schools performing and my daughter’s school went second. I watched the first performance and then my daughter’s. After the performance, there was an intermission so the last performers could get off the stage and the next performers could get on.

During this break, I went to my daughter, congratulated her on a job well done, I spoke to her choir teacher, said I had to go back to work, and said my goodbyes.

On the way out, a father from one other school called me out for leaving saying, “We had to watch your kid’s performance, the least you could do is stay and watch the rest of the kids!” This took me aback, I just said, “I have to get back to work.” And I excused myself.

Should I have stayed the entire show? Is what I did “call him out in front of everyone” worthy?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ…but… It’s considered rude to do that. Nobody wants to sit around and watch children who aren’t theirs perform. They’re kids, they’re not going to be that good yet except in very rare circumstances where a kid has a lot of talent and puts in a lot of work at a young age.

But not every play/concert/recital/etc. is going to have a child prodigy hiding in the ranks, and all the children deserve to have an audience supporting them. That said, being a bit rude isn’t jerk territory, and it’s not like you were skipping out just to escape but only had a short period of free time to see your daughter.

It’s not like you did it intentionally to spite the other children.” Abstruse

Another User Comments:

“For the situation you were in, NTJ. This concert was during a workday. If it had been an evening or weekend (non-workday) concert, then you should generally stay for the full concert.

But there are any number of reasons a person may have to leave mid-show… a child (present) not feeling well, a child (at home) not feeling well, needing to get to work, another hard commitment… While it is polite to give every performer a full audience, it is equally IMPOLITE for that dad to judge you.

He didn’t know your situation. Just calling you out, knowing nothing about you was very rude of him. Don’t let him get to you. (signed, parent who has willingly watched every group performing and who has also needed to leave early because of severe arthritic pain)” swillshop

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Kilzer53 6 days ago
NTJ at all. U were not there for all the other kids. U were there for u daughter. Period. Even If u didn't have to get back to work, ur leaving was none of his business. NONE. Don't ever let an obnoxious buttinski like that ever make u feel guilty for fulfilling ur set obligations. It was great ur company allowed u to go. Had u not returned as u said u would, it probably would have been the last time they allowed it.
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12. AITJ For Wanting To Report My Aunt's Hoarding To The Fire Department Despite My Mom's Objections?

QI

“Mom’s older sister Aunt A is broke as heck. She has no savings. She sends horribly manipulative emails to my parents & my mom’s other sister’s husband Uncle R at least once a year to peddle a few thousand dollars from us so she can heat her house throughout the winter.

In the past few years, these emails have become increasingly illegible, concerning when Aunt A used to proudly call herself a “grammar nerd.” She has Trigeminal Neuralgia, which is a genuinely debilitating disease, & it prevents her from working much. Not that she worked a lot when she was healthy.

She’s slimy at the best of times but that’s another topic. She has no plans for retirement. She hasn’t worked for anyone else since part-time gigs in college so she has nothing paid into social security. Things are getting bad, her coercive emails are now including threats of hurting herself.

Uncle R’s mom recently passed. Uncle R & Auntie L went up for the funeral. My mom’s family has been friends with Uncle R’s family for decades so Aunt A went as well. This led to Auntie L & Uncle R visiting Aunt A’s house.

Uncle R walks with a cane & said he struggled to navigate because he was constantly kicking aside empty boxes & trash. They reported the situation as unlivable. This doesn’t surprise me. A few years back my parents went to Connecticut & gave her a month’s notice of their visit & she told them that “wasn’t enough time” to get her house presentable for visitors.

Uncle R ended up falling & hurting himself. There was a lot of yelling & Aunt A tearfully told him what he experienced was nothing because she falls all the time & sometimes she’s on the floor for hours before she can get up.

My dad is the wealthiest person out of this group. He’s “loaned” Aunt A over $20k unrelated to my grandpa’s interment he plans to never see again. It’s been highly implied by Aunt A that if he doesn’t finance her retirement she’s going to hurt herself.

Auntie L seems to have emotionally disowned Aunt A. Mom still has this sense of sibling responsibility & Catholic guilt keeping her attached. My dad has told me multiple times he feels like Aunt A getting into a lethal accident is the best-case scenario. Everyone completely expects her to “take action” sooner rather than later.

I, the niece & daughter, feel powerless. There’s so much more to this situation I’ve withheld for the sake of brevity. It’s really, really bad. I’m heavily considering calling her local fire department to report that a senior citizen (she’s 60) is living in hoarder conditions & can’t care for herself.

My hope is that they’d be able to connect her with a local social worker who can set her up with social services & hopefully get her into some kind of low-cost government-backed home for seniors with disabilities. I don’t know what else to do.

Mom said not to do that, but Auntie L & Uncle R think it’s not a bad idea.

WIBTJ?

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. This whole dynamic sounds incredibly unhealthy, especially considering that it sounds like some members of the family are actively hoping that Aunt A gets in a convenient fatal accident in her death trap of a house so that the family doesn’t have to deal with her.

I get that she’s an obnoxious and toxic person to deal with, but that level of avoidance is not normal. Please make a report to Adult Protective Services. There’s no single magic solution that will fix this (unfortunately most states don’t have programs for government-paid indigent senior homes), but it’s untenable for an older woman experiencing neurological decline to live in a trash-filled hoarder house she’s regularly falling down in.” Father-Son-HolyToast

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. No jerks here. But personally I would try to first find out if there are any government programs that can help her before making the call. Because if there are no programs, your Auntie A will just end up homeless and your relatives might end up having to take her in.

I do have empathy for your Auntie A even if she’s a mess. Trigeminal Neuralgia (for others that aren’t familiar with it) is a chronic pain condition of the nerve in the face. It’s a jarring stabbing pain that can last a few seconds or a few minutes.

It can be set off with a slight touch to the face or brushing one’s teeth and more. OP, I do know of someone who had it; he ended up getting Microvascular Decompression Surgery for it. I read it should be a last resort.

But it worked. It was back in 2013/2014.” ConflictNo5518

Another User Comments:

“I completely understand your feelings, but your mom asked you not to do this. So if you’re going to do it, I think you owe it to your mom to let her know that you’re going to do it.

She may feel like if you’re going to call in the authorities (which I agree might be necessary), she would rather do it herself, or she might feel less guilty if she tells A this is coming, or something. What I’m saying is that I don’t think you have to give your mother a veto, but I would try to be very considerate of her feelings because while this is a big deal to you, it’s probably a much bigger deal to her.” MyDogsMother

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11. AITJ For Wanting To See A Movie With My Friend Instead Of My Wife?

QI

“I (23m) got invited to see the Sims movie by my friend when it comes out. I told my wife (22F) about it while showing her TikToks on my phone. Here’s some back story: about a year ago, the new Spider-Man Across the Spider-Verse came out in theaters.

Our whole 6+ year relationship she’s known I LOVE Spider-Man. Like, I love him! And back in 2018 when the first Into the Spider-Verse was announced/came out, I told her that I was super excited to see the movie because 1. I love Spider-Man lol. And 2.

He’s Afro-Latino.

As a black boy growing up, Spider-Man was my favorite superhero, and when I found out about Miles Morales when I was in middle school, I was even more ecstatic because there was finally one that looked like me! Well, anyway back in 2018, she saw the movie with her little brother who shared the same name.

I wanted to see it with her, but as we were in high school and her mother was strict, we couldn’t see it together. And she saw it with her brother (that’s not a problem; her little brother wanted to see it, I get that).

Fast forward to last year, 2023, I saw the trailer for the movie and asked her if she wanted to see it with me. She told me that she already had plans to see it with her friends. That hurt my feelings because I had asked her to see previous movies with me, and she said she couldn’t because she had plans with her friends already.

I told her this and said that I wanted to go on a date with her to see it because it’s my favorite version of my favorite superhero. She said she wanted to see it with her friends and asked if I wanted to come along with her and her friends.

I declined because my feelings were hurt, and I wanted to see the movie with my person as a date. We haven’t been to the movies as a date due to us having a baby in 2020, and because she always has plans to see movies with her friends.

Fast forward to today. I told her that my friend asked me about a week ago to go see the Sims movie with her (that’s said to come out either at the end of this year or next year). She kinda got upset and said that she “thought I’d see the movie with her because it’s her favorite game.” I told her that my friend already asked me to see the movie with her, and I said yes already.

She said that it was her favorite game and would want me to see it with her. I pointed out how this is the same situation as me wanting to go see Spider-Man with her and she wanted to go see it with her friends.

She told me that the two situations weren’t the same and that she had already agreed to see it with her friends before I asked her. We got into an argument where she told me that I was just upset that I didn’t “compromise and see it with her and her friends.” I told her that a compromise would’ve actually been seeing it with me since she’s seen every other movie I’ve been interested in seeing with her friends instead of me.

AITJ?

P.S. my friend who wants to see it is very much gay and out, so it’s no weird misunderstanding or undertones.”

Another User Comments:

“I 46f have been married for 24 years, and if this is the petty crap you two are already having problems with, then you do not need to worry about the movie.

You will be divorced before the movie ever comes out, so there is nothing to argue about there. Now go find the next thing that is not a problem and turn it into a problem so you can get closer to the divorce. Best of luck.” No-Librarian-7290

Another User Comments:

“YTJ YTJ YTJ. So you brought up a story about her not seeing it with you, to smear her even though you admit it’s because of her parents. Then you get upset because she already made plans to go see a movie and even invited you, but you wanted her to yourself.

And to top it off, you didn’t even extend an invitation to see the new movie and just told her you were going with a friend. It’s clear she has no intention of hurting you by not inviting you, but it feels like all you want to do is get payback because your butt hurt over the past.” Crazypete3

Another User Comments:

“ESH – this is an argument about a movie that is not coming out for years … why on earth can’t OP and his friend + wife (and her friends if applicable) not just go as a group? Seems dysfunctional this isn’t even a thought for either of them… Here’s how normal people would handle this: OP: “well I already told X I would go with them.

It’s a few years away yet, but since we all want to see it let’s go as a group!” Wife: “sounds great.”” throwaway-rayray

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Mistweave 8 hours ago
NTJ. She very obviously doesn't value you or even really want to spend any time with you. It might be time to take a long, hard look at this relationshit you call a marriage.
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10. AITJ For Giving My Muslim Student Water During Ramadan?

QI

“I (19M) am tutoring kids as a part-time job, same as my mum and sister, it‘s kinda our family business. I have a few students, but only one of them is important. I‘ll call him Mehmet. He‘s in third grade and I tutor him in German (we‘re in Germany) and Math.

He‘s a good kid, sometimes a bit lazy, but we get along. His family is originally from Turkey and we got to know them because his mom helps in our household. My big sister tutors Mehmet’s big sister. We get along really well most of the time.

His mom is a really kind person and his sister is really polite and friendly.

While they are practicing Muslims, my mom and sister are Atheists/Agnostics and I‘m a practicing Christian. I want to clarify that I would never disrespect their faith or try to convert him to Christianity or some similar nonsense.

I only explain something to him when he asks about Christmas for example. His mom is really tolerant as well, we wish each other Happy Easter/Happy Ramadan“ for example and when I asked if I could gift Mehmet a chocolate Snowman instead of a Santa Claus in December she was all for it.

That‘s why I feel so bad and like I majorly messed up.

For those who don‘t know, Ramadan, the fasting of Muslims, comes to an end in a few days. Mehmet’s mom told us that she and her eldest fast fully and her daughter and her husband partially.

She said that Mehmet can choose for himself if he wants to, he just doesn‘t get many sweets during the time, which I think is totally fair.

Today, I tutored Mehmet and he proudly told me that he fasted yesterday. I complimented him on it and he continued to work.

A few minutes later, he asked for a glass of water. I said sure and got him one and one for me as well. I didn‘t really think about it until his mom came to pick him up and saw the two empty glasses in my hand.

She stopped smiling and said goodbye very coldly and went quickly away with Mehmet while mumbling something angry in Turkish.

I was really shocked because that‘s so out of character for her and then I realized what I‘d done and felt really really bad.

It was never my intention to disrespect his religion…did I actually do that? Was I a jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“So, first of all. You shouldn’t be afraid to get hate as long as it is well-intentioned. Children are not required to fast. Growing up, I fasted half days, no days, full days.

It depended on what I could handle at the time and what the cafeteria was serving. My cousin would hand me Skittles and tell me it was okay to eat them during Ramadan until I told my mom. It’s a learning time for young Muslims. NTJ.

You should talk to his mom to see what’s good or leave it be and wait for her to approach you. She might be hangry … some people get that way!” StarvedFetus

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Mother said Mehmet can decide for himself. Mehmet asked for a glass of water.

Is the child around 8 years old (3rd grade)? No way that a young child should even be encouraged to not eat or drink during the day (although I can understand parents encouraging a child not to eat treats for the religious fasting period as a way into actually fasting when they are (young) adults if they choose).

Many adults who work during the day find it hard to manage fasting during Ramadan, I can’t imagine it’s easier on a child who is still growing. You did nothing wrong.” almalauha

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She wasn’t mad at you. Her son is old enough to understand the concept of fasting and its significance.

She’s upset he chose to break his fast by drinking the water. I am eating chili in my house right now and my mom in her house is absolutely fasting. Since I’m an adult, that’s my choice. But if I didn’t want to fast as a kid living with my parents?

I had to be savvy about it so I didn’t get in trouble. My parents didn’t ground or punish about religion, they just got very disappointed and sad, but I know not everyone has that security. (And by the way, I’m pretty sure most of us do this at least once as kids so I don’t see it as a huge deal.)” SnooPets8873

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Mistweave 2 hours ago
NTJ. Don't participate in neglect via religion. The kid was free to choose and asked for water.
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9. AITJ For Refusing To Invite My Dad's Partner's Mom To My Son's Birthday?

QI

“My father has been with his partner “Jenny” for about six years. I’m not fond of her (for reasons that aren’t her fault), but we get along fine.

She is very close with her mother, “Tara”.

I’ll be honest; I don’t like Tara. She is a sour woman who complains about everything. It doesn’t matter if it’s food, gifts, or even stuff that doesn’t affect her. Nothing is ever good enough for Tara.

Being around her is so unbearable that even my father, who usually jumps at every opportunity to please Jenny, is open about how draining and annoying she is.

Tara lives in a different state but visits Jenny often. I am always polite around her, but I never look forward to seeing her.

Since I don’t live with my father anymore, it’s easy to avoid her visits.

My son is turning one this Saturday. My husband and I are throwing him a small birthday party at our apartment.

A couple of days ago, we visited my father’s place for lunch.

Jenny informed us that her mother will be in town this weekend and that she’s excited that she’ll be able to make it to my son’s birthday.

Tara has met my baby once when we went to my father’s place for dinner last year, and it was awful.

She criticized my and my husband’s parenting, was judgy about the fact that I had a c-section, and complained about a dish my husband had prepared before even trying it (“Just because it looks nice, doesn’t mean it tastes good”). With that night in mind, I have no interest in having Tara in my place, much less at my child’s first birthday party.

As politely as I could, I told Jenny that we were only inviting close friends and family (which she already knew), and my husband and I don’t have a close relationship with Tara. She argued that her mother had rescheduled her flight to be able to come, but I held my ground.

I said we’d never invited her in the first place, and she had business doing so on our behalf.

We left about an hour later. The next day, my father told me that he and Jenny had a fight about the situation. At one point, she got him to admit that he doesn’t like her mother.

He told me he’s extremely upset that my refusal put him in a bad spot with his partner. He agreed that it’s not my job to please Jenny or Tara, but he still wants me to “do the polite thing” and invite his mother-in-law. When I refused to, he hung up on me.

I understand that my father is frustrated, but I don’t want to invite Tara over just to make Jenny happy.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“Well you sure didn’t do anything to deserve your own father hanging up on you. Sorry, dad, but doing the polite thing and tolerating other peoples’ bad behavior went out the door a long time ago.

This isn’t the Regency era and sometimes there are consequences for being crappy all the time. Dad should have shut it down because this is a problem he has allowed to go on too long. Life is too hard and too short to have jerks in your home on your son’s birthday.

Happy Birthday to your son. Congratulations! NTJ.” loverlyone

Another User Comments:

“Of course, NTJ. You deserve to have a peaceful birthday with your son. You’re a good egg for having compassion for the challenging spot your dad is in (doesn’t excuse his behavior – only giving kudos for accepting his context).

Regardless, Tara’s likely around for the foreseeable future, and you need strategies. Two of my favorites: (Insert critical comment here): “Oh, really? Tell me more! How did you reach that conclusion? How should I change it?” This one typically results in some embarrassment for them if self-aware, or they take themselves into a different topic.

The Naomi Response: “That was really cruel. Did you intend it to be?”” dropthepencil

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I had a stepmother, they were married for over 20 years (got divorced quite recently, I’m 32) I also am not fond of her but am able to get along with her.

She was quite strict and uptight, but that’s just the way she is and she treated her own kids the same; I genuinely believe she thought she was doing right as a parent/step-parent (she wasn’t abusing us or anything, just very strict/uptight). And I wasn’t a perfect step-kid either.

To give you an idea of her personality picture a rich Karen soccer mom, literally on the HOA board. But she does her best to use her Karen-ness for good and spends her time chewing out most of the HOA board whenever they try to raise fees or not make good on promises and making their lives awful.

And she gets the majority of the HOA to agree because they don’t want to deal with her crap. She’s like the Dexter version of a Karen. She out-Karens the HOA. So her personality can be grating, but she typically means well. All this to say, even she wouldn’t think to invite her family to one of my family events.

Nor would she expect me to. That being said, I would if I was inviting her, her parents were always very kind to me so I wouldn’t mind them being there.” Atiggerx33

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Mistweave 40 minutes ago (Edited)
NTJ. I don't think anyone would be stupid enough to try that with one of my children's parties. As soon as the harpy started in, I'd ask her if she was gonna sit there and bitch the whole time or not. She gets away with it because people let her, don't let her.
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8. AITJ For Yelling At My Dad For Not Letting Me Skip School For A College Presentation?

QI

“I (17M) am a high school junior taking an online college class through a dual enrollment program.

Last week, I had a huge presentation due for my college class, but I hadn’t started it because my high school workload was overwhelming. Plus, I just got accepted to a summer job that I’m really excited about and I hadn’t told my dad about it yet.

Feeling the pressure, I asked my dad (42M) if I could miss a day of school to focus solely on my presentation. He shot me down immediately, saying that attendance is crucial and I couldn’t just skip school. I tried to explain that this college class is really important and that I have A’s in all my high school classes, but he wouldn’t listen.

Instead, he started ranting about how my life is so easy and how all I do is play video games. He said a responsible adult would manage their schedule without needing a day off and accused me of bringing shame to the family with my laziness.

He also pointed out that I don’t have a job or a driver’s license.

Halfway through his tirade, I finally snapped. I yelled back, saying that he spends his days playing video games alone while the rest of the family is at school or work, doesn’t have a job or any household responsibilities, and takes money from my mom to feed his smoking addiction.

He got furious and stormed out of the house. Later, my mom told me that I had really hurt his feelings and that I should apologize. I refused, saying I wouldn’t apologize.

My dad began “favoring” my siblings more, like buying my brother new toys and spending more time with my sister.

While I am left alone.

I haven’t spoken to my dad for the past week, but my dad proceeds to make passive-aggressive comments whenever I’m around doing anything.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, he sounds very toxic and disrespectful. I hope you are able to get out of the house as soon as you can afford to.

You’re doing great, don’t listen to him when he projects his insecurities onto you. Do you have another guardian you can ask things of so you don’t have to deal with him as much? It might be worth it to explain the situation to your college prof and ask for an extension if necessary.” mint_camo

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. A responsible and caring dad would commend you for planning your career path and speaking to him about your decisions. He might be struggling a little but that doesn’t give him the right to belittle you and your accomplishments. Not to mention the petty actions of ignoring you after an argument.

I would suggest giving him another chance and talk to him about why you yelled at him and tell him about how his recent behaviors affected you to reconcile. If he doesn’t show a sign of remorse then it’s up to you to decide how to act towards him.” Embarrassed_Watch185

Another User Comments:

“ESH. Your dad, for obvious reasons, is a jerk. As for you, he’s correct that it’s not really appropriate for you to skip school for this reason. This huge presentation didn’t pop up on you, you procrastinated on doing it. If you’re doing well enough to casually skip a day of school, there was nothing stopping you from skipping or breezing through a small assignment or two in order to prioritize this project.

It’s possible that you just need to learn to manage your time better or cut back on something in order to make time for the college classwork. Especially since finals are coming up. You don’t want to get into the habit of thinking that it’s okay to push the work off and then just skip school whenever the deadlines come close to power out the assignments.

You’re also excited about a new job but JUST said that you don’t have enough time for the responsibilities you already have. Will you be stopping the college courses, or is it just for the summer vacation?” Ryuugan80

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Mistweave 35 minutes ago
NTJ. Just take the day off and go to the library. Your dad is a deadbeat and doesn't deserve a say in what you do at your age.
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7. AITJ For Not Buying My Friend's Book?

QI

“My friend (Anna) self-published her first book on Thursday. I haven’t read it, but one of our friends said it’s not good. She didn’t pay for an editor and there are spelling and grammar mistakes on every page. They said she didn’t even use a basic spellcheck.

I love reading, but hate Greek mythology retellings, which is the genre Anna wrote. This is something she knows, just like I know that she hates poetry. For reference, I released a chapbook (short poetry collection) a few years ago and Anna didn’t buy a copy.

She did support me by buying an art print. I didn’t expect her to buy the chapbook because I knew she hated poetry. I was okay with that and didn’t think anything of it until today.

She texted earlier and asked why I hadn’t bought a copy from her website yet.

I went ahead and bought a digital copy for now. Rent is due tomorrow but I planned on buying a physical copy when I can afford it whether I like it or not.

She asked why I only bought a digital copy. I told her why and my plans to buy the physical copy soon.

She told me I was unsupportive of her career and brought up the time she bought a print from me and how that cost more than her ebook. I told her, again, that I planned on buying a physical book. She kept calling me a bad unsupportive friend and told me how everyone else bought physical copies.

She kept going on about how I’m a bad friend and all our other friends are better friends than I am because they actually support her writing career. I got annoyed and told her I guess she didn’t support my writing career either since she never bought my chapbook and only bought an art print which was only a couple of dollars too.

Her ebook was 99 cents less than the print. It’s not like she spent a lot on it. I don’t care about it but wanted to give her a taste of her crap. She said I’m an even worse friend than she thought because I should know she doesn’t like poetry.

I said I guess she’s a bad friend too because she knows I don’t like Greek mythology. We sent more dumb petty messages like that.

I told her this was all stupid and realized I was being petty just to counteract her dumb crap and that I’d talk to her when she realizes ebook sales are still sales, all sales are support, and not everyone can drop money when she wants them to.

She told me she doesn’t want me to read her book anyway and blocked me on everything.

I know this is stupid and petty, but I got a refund for the ebook I bought. If she doesn’t want me to read it, I know I won’t enjoy it, and our friends have said she didn’t do the basic amount of edits, why should I keep it?

Stupid on my end for sure but I don’t regret it.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Self-published is already a red flag, but not hiring an editor is a sure sign you’re going to get self-indulgent trash. The lack of editors can destroy professional, published authors (I’m looking at you, Thomas Harris!).

I think of it this way. If she opened a restaurant, but only cooked a cuisine you hated, badly, and you knew she didn’t clean her kitchen, you wouldn’t eat there. No reason you should suffer through the literary equivalent.” Big_Metal2470

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. This is unhinged behavior. I self-publish too, been doing it for ten years, and I’ve never once asked someone to buy my books. They know they’re out there, if they want one they’ll get it. If they don’t I suck it up because I’m an adult.

I cringe at the thought of harassing someone about it. Especially if the person says they can’t afford it! Having support from friends helps motivation, maybe, but she’s got to learn to do it without that anyway. She’s in for a hard lesson if she thinks support from friends is how to further her “career.” (And just to preempt any comments on indie publishing, thousands of people do it and make a ton of money doing it.

It isn’t in and of itself a sign of bad quality, though obviously there are plenty of bad-quality indie books. But as an English teacher with advanced degrees in English, I’ll say I’ve seen plenty of trash get book deals, so….) Anyway, if her book is really as problematic as your friends say, she’ll learn all this soon enough.” MerryCatFancyThat

Another User Comments:

“ESH. I’m conflicted on this one because I’m a writer too. When I self-pubbed my first novel, many of the friends I’d been supporting and helping were suddenly nowhere to be found. That can be so deeply hurtful. But I write pretty intense horror, so of course lots of my friends weren’t going to touch that.

And I had no real reason to think they would. Nobody gets to demand anyone buy or read anything they don’t want to. That goes for poetry, mythology, whatever. The help has to come from a genuine choice they make to support you. Your best advocates will be excited about your work and eager to buy it as soon as possible.

Find those people. Don’t expect anything from the unenthused, especially if they don’t like your genre. So, I don’t know if it’s just you two or some toxic writing community you’re in, but the way you’re demanding specific forms of support like it’s a prerequisite for friendship sounds really messed up.

You demanded her support and now she’s demanding yours. And y’all are keeping receipts and tallying some kind of support score. Stop it. Just stop having the argument. Stop having the expectation. Stop keeping track. It sounds like you guys aren’t friends at all, anyway.” J-Shade

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MadameZ 1 month ago
Oh the entitlement of the useless self-published author... Let her go, OP. You do not owe her support, nor does anyone. While there are many great authors who self-pub good, enjoyable books, there are millions like your friend, who WanT to B A AuytHOR but a) can barely string a sentence together and b) have nothing to say in the first place, just tedious generic drivel that they pester everyone to buy before tantrumming that no one likes it...
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6. AITJ For Ignoring My Mom's Tantrum While She Screamed At Me?

QI

“I (17F) am an academically inclined student who has pretty big aspirations for my future.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been having trouble keeping up with my coursework, and I’ve been staying up late to make it up. For reference, my mom (50F) is very efficient, and takes time management seriously, like nobody else I’ve met. She’s had very serious talks with me and she tells me that if I continue the way I am today, I won’t make it, even if I get into a good university, and then it would be a waste of my time and her effort.

So she proposed that she will help me form a time schedule. And this is serious, not like “oh let’s get together and make a plan!” but “we’re going to change something now.” And I agree with her, it’s difficult on my own.

This was all good, but it was difficult to take time out of my schedule to make an active plan that would shift my entire schedule – so I told her I couldn’t do it until I finished my remaining coursework.

This wasn’t an excuse: I am genuinely bogged down with labs and essays and applications for programs. But I had told her I would make time today.

I don’t know what happened. This morning I was having scheduling conflicts with an instructor who has always asked to reschedule in the past, they contacted my mom as well as me while they were working it out with me personally.

But my mom called me downstairs and she started screaming about how I still can’t handle these easy things on my own. And I mean bloodcurdling screams and shrieks, throwing herself against the sofa and every time I tried to get a word in and tell her that I had found a time that would work, she screamed at me to be quiet.

It got to the point where I tried to say “We’re meeting at 8” and then ate as fast as I could just so she could relax about this specific incident but she would scream and scream and say she doesn’t want to hear my voice or see me.

So I’ve just been sitting silently at my desk and I can hear her screaming and crying. I feel bad because my grandma in a different country isn’t feeling well but she hasn’t gone because she wanted to see how I was doing. And she’s started crying about how it’s my fault that she can’t see her mom, and that I don’t have the right to cause her this much pain, and she even moved boxes up so she doesn’t have to see my face.

She just left the house.

I don’t think that what I did was bad enough to warrant this, which might be the problem. Am I the jerk for not really doing anything? I just sat there while she cried and I didn’t say anything when she left, and even now I’m thinking of all the work I have to do, instead of worrying about her.

Similar incidents have happened in the past but this is the biggest one yet. I don’t know how I feel. For a while, I was honestly just perplexed and staring at her, and it scares me, how callous that must have looked. I feel a bit shaky now but I’m also sort of overthinking whether I’m just sad about being yelled at or actually being empathetic.”

Another User Comments:

“Your mother threw a histrionic tantrum like a toddler and you were right to ignore it, like you would ignore a screaming child. NTJ. She isn’t helping you, she is just making things worse. She sounds genuinely awful to deal with. I would honestly value her advice or general input very little and just focus on doing your work the best you can as it works for you.

Don’t let her make you feel too discouraged.” LeananSi

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your mom isn’t doing you any favors by being overly involved in your own academic responsibilities. Does she think she’s going to be doing this when you are away at college?

Does she take credit for your success? She’s overly enmeshed in your life at this age. This should be a safe time for you to fail at things, to discover what a healthy balance of academics and non-academic life looks like for you. You need to have time to mature in other ways and this behavior is truly robbing you of that opportunity.” Antelope_31

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Kilzer53 6 days ago
Ur mom sounds like she is mentally unhinged.
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5. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Son Move Back In Full-Time Due To His Mental Health Issues?

QI

“My son’s dad (Joseph) and I have been divorced for about 6 years now. When my son (Damion) turned 18 he wasn’t able to hold down a job and didn’t want to go to college. Joseph and I had a custody arrangement where the kids are with me a week and then him a week and this continued after he turned 18.

I was tired of Damion not working or going to school and just playing video games all day so I decided to charge him rent ($300 per month). The rent was to pay for his internet, phone, and any special groceries he wanted along with utilities.

I explained to Joseph the lesson I was trying to teach Damion and that I would never kick him out. He would just not have the luxuries mentioned above but he would have a roof over his head, clothing, and food to eat. Damion was upset about this arrangement and called his dad asking to live with him.

His dad agreed despite the conversation I had. Having Damion live with me was actually taking a toll on my physical and mental health. I was somewhat relieved but suspect Joseph agreed just to dig at me and make himself seem to be the better parent.

Fast forward two years later, Damion is having serious mental issues, can’t hold down a job, and isn’t in school. He just stays in his room all day playing video games, eating, and sleeping. About a year ago, Joseph couldn’t handle Damion living with him full-time and asked if I could take him some of the days.

I agreed to allow him to stay with me the same weekends I have his little brother as well to give Joseph a break.

As mentioned before, Damion is having serious mental issues and the both of us are working on getting him help and are in the process of getting him into an outpatient program for depression.

I’ve always been a supportive mom and kept in constant contact with him despite him moving. I value his well-being and always try to help him where needed.

Well, Joseph is now asking if Damion can live with me a week at a time again because his mental instability is taking a toll on him and his health (much like with me years ago).

It may help Joseph but I don’t believe going back and forth again will help Damion at all. I’m scared if I agree, my mental and physical health will start to decline. I don’t think either one of us is equipped to deal with Damion and he needs help beyond what either of us can offer.

I think the solution is to work on his mental health, then work on helping him become a functioning adult rather than shifting the whole living arrangement again.

AITJ for declining the week at a time and just sticking with the current arrangement of every other weekend?”

Another User Comments:

“Two years alone in a bedroom playing video games will tank anyone’s mental health. This is the exact outcome you took steps to prevent and your efforts were thwarted. That’s unfortunate but at this time, the 21yo needs to get himself into treatment, get a job, and break his gaming addiction, and go outside.

You’re NTJ but if it were me, I’d offer to split the copay in therapy costs and make my home a place he can have screen-free retreats when he’s ready. Until then, no I wouldn’t have him move back in just to lighten and prolong the pain of this unsustainable situation.

The problem needs to be fixed, not taken in smaller doses.” newbeginingshey

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. However, you and your ex aren’t helping your son in the right way. You recognize that he has mental health issues and any plan you and your ex come up with will not work.

Get your son into therapy, get him making progress on his mental health, then you and your ex work with his therapist and your son to come up with a plan that can work for him and get him making progress in life towards an education or job and move him to become an independent adult.” HarveySnake

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Damion is an adult & should be included in this conversation. What particular behaviors of Damions cause your mental health to deteriorate? I imagine it’s more than just him staying in his room all day? Identifying what makes him living with you untenable is the first step.

You should talk to Damion & say he can only increase his time with you if he can reduce or eliminate those behaviors while in your home. If he’s unwilling to do that then he’s decided for himself to continue primarily living with his dad.

It’s up to his dad to set his own boundaries with Damion separately from you. I do hope that Damion is in therapy & on medication while you’re waiting to get him into an outpatient program…” kt380

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Kilzer53 6 days ago
Esh. U and ur ex have and are continuing to treat ur ADULT son as a child. He has never been expected to do anything. U at least tried, but we're happy to hand him over to his dad instead of putting ur foot down and making him take responsibility for his own life. So, now, again, instead of pushing him to grow up, yall just want to shuffle him around some more and give someone else the responsibility to straighten out ur mess. Step up. Be a parent!!
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4. AITJ For Refusing To Make Lunches For My Step-Siblings?

QI

“I (16m) make my own lunch for school. I started making them when I was 11 and my mom was sick with cancer and now I make all my lunches.

My dad refuses to give me lunch money for school, said no way to making them (mom made his and now he pays for lunch every day), and doesn’t want to give me permission to eat outside school (which is an option with parents consent) because he’d need pay for that.

So I make them. I work part-time and so I started paying for the ingredients I use in my lunches.

My dad got married 2ish years ago. His wife has three kids who are 5, 7, and 8 now.

For about a year there’s been this issue where my dad and his wife want me to make all four lunches.

They said if I’m making my own I should make my “siblings'” (and I say “siblings” because they’re not my siblings) lunches too to save their mom time and to streamline everything. I was like no and my dad’s wife was shocked. She called me out for making stuff only for myself.

She said it’s crazy that I would look at my “siblings” and not want to make a few things for them too.

It escalated to where they said I shouldn’t get to eat their dinners if I won’t participate in taking care of the family.

So I buy my own dinner stuff now and make my own. Now they’re calling me out for doing that. They said I could make dinner for all four of us and then we could eat dinner earlier and my dad and his wife could do something else.

My dad’s wife didn’t make lunches for her kids on several occasions to try and make me relent. Their teachers ended up feeding them and writing to her about it. She was super angry and asked me if I was ashamed. I told her they’re her kids and her problem, not mine.

I also suggested she take it up with my dad if she’s unhappy and wants help feeding her kids because it’s not my job. She said if dad won’t feed me, he won’t feed her kids. I shrugged her off.

Monday was a big day in all of this.

I was home for hours alone and made a nice dinner. I was eating when my dad’s wife came home with her kids, who were hungry and she exploded on me and asked if I’d made the kids dinner. I said no. She demanded to make it up to them I make them lunch for Tuesday (yesterday) and I said no. She called me a bunch of names and told me she hates me because I’m supposed to be a decent kid and yet I won’t help feed her kids and it’s not how you treat family.

I told her because it’s not my job and we’re not a family. I pointed out she married a guy who isn’t a good dad to his own kid, and how her only interactions with said kid were attempting to dump responsibility onto him (me) so she really has no reason to think I owe her anything.

Which of course led her to calling me all kinds of things, including a jerk.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Document everything and tell her if she refuses to feed her kids again, you’re calling CPS. Op, I think you’re the reason she married your dad.

She was well aware your dad was nothing more than half your DNA. She saw you, and how independent you are and said “oh boy! Free babysitter! And he cooks, too! I can dump my kids on him and finally have a life!” but, then, obviously you refused to play her game and that makes her angry.

I don’t see that relationship lasting after she loses the kids and the deadbeat she married refuses to help.” R4eth

Another User Comments:

“INFO: Are they expecting you to pay for all the ingredients for the other kids’ lunches and dinners too? If so, then that’s unreal. It’s bad enough that you have been having to buy your own food as your father still has the parental responsibility to care for you.

I think you need to get some help from another trusted adult. You sound very competent, unfortunately, you are still a minor which limits your ‘power’. Dinners/main meal – not reasonable for you to be preparing/cooking EVERY day no matter who is paying.

Lunches – to be honest I would negotiate around the preparation being your contribution to household chores, and they pay for ALL the ingredients – including yours, as your father still has an obligation to feed you.” TeenySod

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and lot of great advice up there.

If I may offer a suggestion that I didn’t see, as your stepmother seems to be keen on leaving you the responsibility to feed her kids, have you considered submitting your rates and billing her? I mean, you are already putting the work in for you, making 3 lunches and 3 dinners more, I think you could get some money out of it.

Otherwise, good luck with surviving the few months you have left with them. Plan carefully to be able to get out at a moment’s notice. Make sure only you have access to your money, and if possible, rely on one of your friends to keep valuable things.

If you can have a bag ready it’s for the best. Also check for your insurance, healthcare, and stuff like that to have the information needed. Keep diplomas, birth certificate, and other important documents somewhere safe where you can grab it and go. It seems to me that the situation is escalating and they may throw you out.” Chemical_Cut7396

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MadameZ 1 month ago
I think you need to report to another trusted adult the way your step-siblings are being treated, though. While I agree you should not be expected to feed and care for them, it is not their fault that their mother is neglectful and you would be a little bit of a jerk if you leave these kids in a neglectful situation (their parents refuse to feed them in order to manipulate you? That is abusive, abusive to all the minors in the house) without trying to get an actual responsible person to see that they get fed and cared for once you move out.
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3. AITJ For Asking My Son And DIL Not To Name Their Baby After My Deceased Daughter?

QI

“About 15 years ago I gave birth to Kerra.

She passed when she was three months old. She was a surprise and would have been around 10+ years younger than any of the other kids.

She passes and her urn is on the mantel in our home. Life moved on. My DIL has seen the urn before and commented it was a nice name.

I didn’t think anything about it at the time.

I got a call from my daughter telling me that I need to talk to them. That they plan on naming their daughter Kerra and knew it would be a problem so they were going to surprise me with it after she was born.

I sat them down and asked if they were going to name their daughter Kerra. They told me it was in the running. I asked if they were naming her after anyone and it was a no. That they just liked the name. I told them I am not very comfortable with them doing that.

I know I don’t own a name and suggested it could be a middle name and we would just call her her first name. I explained it would be very hard for us and we worry that we may start projecting or it will cause mental distress to us.

That I don’t think it is fair to the kid to have that burden.

My husband also said that he wouldn’t be that happy with the decision and feels wrong to name her that.

After that it started an argument, that she is mad we are trying to veto a name and called us jerks.

My husband and I don’t know if we are jerks or not. We thought we handled this well and communicated clearly our feelings on it.”

Another User Comments:

“I am firmly in the “no one owns a name and you can name your child whatever you please” camp.

But all that goes out the window when we’re talking about using the name of a deceased child within your own family. Someone posted on an advice sub, asking if it would be wrong to use a baby name that had belonged to her sister’s recently deceased baby.

The general consensus was that she could have a right to do it and still be the jerk. Basically, did she like the name enough that she’d be willing to hurt her sister every time she heard it? Would that be worth it to her?

That poster decided it was not. If your son and DIL decide that it IS worth giving you and your husband a twinge of pain, every time you hear their daughter’s name? Well..to put it politely, that says more about them than it does about you.

Either way, NTJ.” Reddit User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. My aunt lost her son at 6 months old and even though it was over 25 years ago the pain of losing a child never goes away. When my cousin and his wife announced they were going to use her son’s name just simply because they liked it my aunt requested they don’t.

She said it would be too painful. Ultimately they went ahead with it. It showed a distinct lack of respect or care for his own parents and so they got cut off. Now they aren’t a part of the family and that’s on them.

You need to protect yourself and your mental health. My aunt, after her grandson was born and people were calling him that, was completely broken till she got that distance. Don’t let that happen to you. Speak to your son alone and explain the pain and the reason and ask he not do this out of respect if he refuses then you know where you stand.” goddessofspite

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. My sister passed as an infant and I know without a doubt that it would gut my mom to have me or my brother use her name for a child. On the flip side, my husband also had a sibling pass as an infant and we did name our youngest son after him (same first name) with the approval of his parents.

The fact that you expressed your disapproval and they’re angry at you about it is ridiculous and makes them the jerk. If my in-laws, MIL especially, had any concerns about us using the name, I’d have instantly taken it out of consideration out of respect for her.

I know how painful loss is and having the name be a daily reminder of what could have been can be torture. I’m so sorry that she is being so insensitive.” Renailane

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MadameZ 1 month ago
NTJ. Sometimes a bereaved parent finds it comforting to see the name used again (particularly if it's been a long time) but it is up to them how they feel and, while the parent to be can *ask* how they would feel, they should abide by what the bereaved prefer.
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2. AITJ For Refusing To Plan A Baby Shower For A Coworker I Don't Like?

QI

“Bambi is having a baby. I do not like Bambi. I am not even really friendly with Bambi. I am professional if we need to discuss a work thing, but overall she’s just not my type of person.

Jessica decided Bambi needs a baby shower – mind you, 4 other employees have had babies and Jessica never thought they needed a baby shower.

Jessica texted me and another person saying we needed a time to meet to plan Bambi’s baby shower and I responded with:

“I appreciate you reaching out but I won’t be able to participate in planning it. I can help view dept. calendars and come up with a good date and would be happy to help with tear down and clean up the day of.”

Jessica is not pleased, my boss doesn’t care, and a few friends think I just need to suck it up.

I might be the jerk because it wouldn’t hurt me to help plan but I don’t want to so I chose to say ‘no’.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“Absolutely NTJ. Just because someone asks you doesn’t mean you have to do what they want. And your response was beautiful!

You offered help that you were willing to give. Apparently, Jessica wants YOU to be her hands and feet for everything, lol. It was Jessica’s idea, she can accept the help you’ve offered and fill in the rest if she feels it’s so necessary to have the party.

You give only what you want to give, everything outside of that is a “no”. Jessica is just upset because she couldn’t steamroll you into doing everything.” IamIrene

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, and generally, I think stuff like this should stay out of the workplace.

What are the other employees who had kids going to think when Bambi gets a shower and they didn’t? If your coworkers are friendly with her, they can throw her a shower on their own time. No need to waste your time or money on someone you don’t even like!” Ok_Childhood_9774

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. There are so many posts of people being asked to do something they don’t want to do and other people getting mad when they decline. The reality is, no one should have to do something they don’t want to… I don’t care if it’s “nice” or what others view as “the right thing to do”.

I always approach things with “am I doing this for me or to appease others?” Why can’t Jessica do it?” Bambshish

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1. AITJ For Banning My Friend's Two-Timing Husband From My Wedding?

QI

“My friend has been married for almost 3 years. They got married after talking online for a few months, spent most of their first year of marriage long-distance (he was stationed with the Army in Germany and she was in California), and all the time they’ve physically been together has been shaky.

Like, constant fighting. He’s also been unfaithful to her multiple times with multiple people. She found out about his most recent affair, like, 3 weeks ago. This all said, she keeps taking him back and I don’t think they have any plans to divorce. At least not that I’ve heard of.

I’m getting married next year. Our wedding will have about 110 people, including my friend. I told her that I would give her a plus one, but under NO circumstances is her husband allowed to come.

I think that I should be able to include and exclude anyone I want from my wedding.

I hate this guy, not just because of how he’s treated my friend (although that is mainly why), but because he’s also talked crap about me repeatedly. He started doing that when I was still totally in their corner, early into the relationship. When he was overseas with the Army, I sent little care packages to him when I was sending things for my friend.

I referred clients to his personal training business and made sure to say hi to him whenever I did video calls with my friend.

Whether they’re still married at that time next year or not, I don’t want anyone who has talked poorly about me to be present on the most special day of my life.

People who don’t completely wish us well have no place there. At least, that’s how I feel. And my fiancé supports that fully.

My friend said that I’m being a jerk for not including him because that’s her husband, and they should be able to go to my wedding as a couple.

She also said that it would be weird for her to bring her mom or sister as her date to my wedding. She said that as her close friend, I should want her to be happy and encourage her to have and share these experiences with her husband.

I said that it’s my wedding and I can invite whoever I want and if she really has that much of a problem with it, she can stay home, too. I would be sad if she wasn’t there, but I also refuse to be emotionally manipulated into letting him come.

Especially if he dislikes me so much, I don’t understand why he would want to come in the first place.

Am I the jerk here? I understand her side and part of me questions whether I’m being too dramatic about it. I’ve asked my friends and family and they’re kind of split between “it’s your wedding, you can do whatever you want” and “it’s kind of messed up to not allow someone’s partner to go with them.””

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. This isn’t a random snub. This guy has been a jerk to you and your friend. Beyond that, you talked to her in person about it and accepted that she may not want to come because of this. I don’t really understand why your friend is upset.

If my spouse and friend didn’t get along, I wouldn’t expect my spouse to be invited to the wedding.” Moose-Dependent

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. These commenters who think you potentially burned the bridge with your good friend are clueless about the situation and your feelings.

Please remember that not all people will be in your life forever. Why would you want that jerk at your wedding?? And like you said, they could be split up by then. She deserves better, but if she won’t stop enabling, she’ll continue to get what she’s getting.

Enjoy your wedding wholeheartedly.” Icantdecide1960

Another User Comments:

“YTJ – they are married. You are starting your own marriage and showing disrespect for someone else’s marriage. This whole thing of doing what you want because it is your wedding is getting out of hand to supersede proper social behavior.

At a wedding, you invite both people in a marriage. Also, she chooses to stay married to him and you are letting your own feelings supersede hers. You are disrespecting her autonomy to make choices about her own life. If I were her, I wasn’t going to attend your wedding.

If you said he’s a heavy drinker and would be disruptive, I get it. However, him being unfaithful is not a good reason. No one is emotionally manipulating you – you are actually kind of cruel – you seem to be a my way or the highway type of person.

Many people stay with people who two-time for tons of reasons – it’s not about how you feel about it. You also are not showing her care by your attitude.” Kami_Sang

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coch1 6 days ago
If you read the whole post, it wasn't just the husband being unfaithful. It was about him being a jerk to the bride after they went out of their way to friend them. Would you invite someone to your wedding who dissed you? Didn't think so. Your comment is irrelevant and YTJ.
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