People Ask Us To Point Out Their Wrongs In Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
17. AITJ For Accepting My Family's Christmas Invitation?
“I (F32) I met this wonderful man ‘Philip’ (M36) 2 years ago. We got married 4 months ago.
For context, I have a 10-year-old son ‘Billy’ from my previous relationship and my ex isn’t in the picture.
I have to admit that Philip’s relationship with my family isn’t so great. They would disagree on a lot of things. For example, he had an argument with my dad when he said that he was keeping their grandson away from them but Philip stated he wasn’t and that he couldn’t visit with Billy because he had work (I was sick at the time).
The latest argument was what made things worse. My mom and sister were discussing natural remedies (they’re into this stuff) for my niece and Philip (he’s a pediatrician) called both of them ‘ignorant’ for not using meds instead which caused a huge argument and Philip being no longer welcome at my parents’ house.
Now they’d sent me and Billy an invitation for Christmas but did not include Philip which, I expected given how strained their relationship has become. I called my mom to confirm that I’ll attend but the minute Philip found out, he went off saying he could not believe I was fine with my family excluding him and then agree to go and leave him behind.
I told him it was their celebration and I don’t get to decide their guestlist for them. And also, I’m not leaving him behind because we did not have any plans for Christmas. He said he thought that we’d ‘automatically’ celebrate together the 3 of us but now I’m taking Billy away from him as well.
I thought that was a bit melodramatic because it’s literally just a few hours at my parents’ home but he insisted it was about principle and respect. We had a big argument and I said that he basically alienated himself by continually picking arguments with my family, but he started ranting saying it wasn’t about the fact that they didn’t invite him, but the fact that I was willing to let him spend Christmas alone without me and Billy.
We went back and forth on the issue but do not seem to reach a solution. My parents are used to spending every major holiday with Billy. So you can see how much pressure I’m getting from both sides here.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
The first ‘infraction’ set the tone for the rest of their relationship.
You were sick, your husband had to work and your parents said this meant he was keeping their grandson away? You should have nipped this in the bud right there and then. Then for your hippy-dippy sister and mother to talk about natural remedies in front of a pediatrician who, I guarantee, has seen kids DIE because of ‘natural remedy’ parents, I’m surprised he didn’t say more than that they were ignorant.
When you marry, you become a team. Your husband has been banned, therefore you don’t go either. It’s that simple. You have shown your (in your own words) ‘wonderful man’ where he lies on your list of priorities. Get your head out of your butt, or you’ll be needing to find a divorce lawyer.
I surely wouldn’t put up with a spouse like you.” Ok_Shopping_3341
Another User Comments:
“Huge YTJ
You and Philip are married! This is no longer a ‘significant other’ scenario, you choose to start a family together.
Leaving your husband alone for Christmas is a jerk move.
Wow. You expect to ‘make plans’ in order to spend Christmas with your husband and son? Really, you need plans for that? It’s normal and expected for a family to spend holidays together. You don’t need plans…
As soon as you got an invitation from your parents with only you and Billy, you should have called to reject it.
You either go as a family, or you don’t go at all.
There is also the other option – you don’t really want a family with Philip (he has his flaws, and he disrespects your parents). In which case divorce the guy, stop wasting his time (and yours).” esk_7140
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Unless there’s a better reason than ‘Philip didn’t bring Billy to us because he has to WoRk’ and Philip the pediatrician harshly denounced some natural remedies for niece’s ailment (and I want you to REALLY think about what they were doing was putting your niece in danger), then I’m inclined to believe your family sucks and you do too.
Who spends their first Christmas after marriage away from their new spouse? Did Philip the pediatrician get off for Christmas (something that may have been hard to come by, given the healthcare worker and increasing RSV) just so that his new wife and stepson could leave him by himself to go to people who dislike him?
If you have kids together, do your parents get dibs on all of their Christmases too? Where are you drawing the line?
Your family dynamic has changed. It’s not just you and Billy. Get the adults together and talk this out. Unless Philip goes out of his way to be a jerk, which these tidbits don’t tell me he is, I think you should re-evaluate the situation.
Because this a fast way to add another ex who isn’t involved.” silky_link07
16. AITJ For Telling My Partner Not To Speak To My Parents In Japanese?
“I (M35) met my partner (F30) at work (we’re both interpreters). We’ve been together for a few months and thanksgiving will be the first time she’s going to meet my parents.
I am half Japanese, my dad is Japanese my mother is American. My mother learned Japanese so she can connect with my paternal side of the family. I and my siblings all speak Japanese. However, none of my siblings’ spouses do.
My partner, Sasha, started learning Japanese before it got popular, she started learning it when she was 14 and has both, BA and MA in Japanese and Translation & Interpreting.
She sounds as close to a native speaker as possible.
However, I warned her that she shouldn’t try and speak Japanese when meeting my parents or grandparents and that she’s forbidden from using it even when I’m using it with my siblings.
She asked why and I told her that I’d hate for my SILs and BILs to be uncomfortable because they don’t speak it and I don’t want her to become my parents/grandparents’ favorite because we’ve only been together a few months and it wouldn’t be fair if they liked her more than my SIL of 10 years who doesn’t speak Japanese.
She said that was ridiculous and that she shouldn’t have to hide it. I said that perhaps later when we’ve been together for longer.
She asked if she had to pretend not to understand me and my siblings when we talk. And I said, exactly.
She got really weird and went home. She’s been kind of distant lately and I told a friend about this and they said that I was a major jerk and if they ask her about her job, she has to lie as well. I admit I hadn’t thought of that.
But I still can’t see that I did anything wrong. So AITJ for demanding she lies?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – OP. Your partner has a cool and unique skill that she would very rarely have the opportunity to use in the US. She can communicate with your parents and siblings in a language that could be more comfortable for them.
If you’re going to make demands that someone does not speak Japanese in the household so as not to make in-laws uncomfortable, maybe consider communicating that with EVERYONE who speaks Japanese. Don’t just exclude your partner to avoid excluding your BIL/SILs. If she can’t speak Japanese, no one should.
And if telling your parents and siblings not to speak Japanese sounds like a jerk move, then maybe use that context to analyze your initial request. Because it’s a super jerk move.” Baileythenerd
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You may as well end the relationship now.
If she pretends to ‘not understand’ and the relationship continues she will have to hide the part of her life, her job, and her expertise for the rest of her life with you. OR eventually, she lets everyone know she has been able to speak it & she or you gets blamed for hiding it, and accusations of listening in on conversations get thrown around.
Did you ever think that your grandparents may enjoy having conversations in their native language?
You know she could listen to the native tongue & answer in English if she wants. Your partner is intelligent.
If your siblings’ spouses by this time haven’t invested the time to learn any Japanese for greetings and pleasantries, that is on them.
THEY are already part of the family and have chosen not to.” HCIBSW
Another User Comments:
“Yes, YTJ. Honestly, it’s just not practical. She’s an interpreter by trade and as close to a native speaker as it gets and you’re asking her to pretend she doesn’t know the language that is a cornerstone of her working life?
How did you think that was going to work? Your best solution was just for her to pretend she doesn’t know the language – not discuss your worries about the situation, talk about making sure you try to keep in-laws involved in conversations so as not to dominate the convo with Japanese, etc.
Also, your SILs and BILs are in a family full of fluent Japanese speakers – why would just her speaking it suddenly make them all uncomfortable? They’ve had years to learn, if they don’t want to they don’t have to, but I think they’re old enough to understand other people in the world might.
Also, you might (and that’s a big might) have gotten off as just silly/kind of dumb for asking this if you had actually asked. But prohibiting and demanding? That’s practically an auto-jerk move.” User
15. AITJ For Telling My Wife That She Is Overreacting Over A Picture?
“I’m 32M, and my wife is 33F. We got married in 2020 and last week we took our first family vacation will all the kids (we both share custody with our exes). I have two boys from my first marriage (7 and 6 years old), and my wife has one boy from hers (7 years old).
The boys get along great. We have a baby together (a 1-year-old girl).
On our vacation, we took dozens of pics of the kids, obviously. Then I told my sons to pose for their mom (we were away for 10 days and she asked me for a picture of the boys).
My wife got mad and said I shouldn’t exclude my stepson. I told her I’ll take a picture of all the kids as well, I just have to take one of my sons for my ex (their mom).
I took the picture and sent it to my ex, then we took a bunch more pics of all the kids, as we have for days before.
When the kids were asleep later, my wife confronted me about the picture I took of my sons, and I told her I don’t think it was a big deal. I’ve taken a bunch of pics of all the kids, of just our girl, of just the boys, of the kids individually, etc.
She said I’m excluding her son, and I told her that was not true. I love my stepson, and she knows it. She then yelled at me and said he (my stepson) has enough issues with his dad and shouldn’t have to beg for his stepdad’s love as well.
I told her I think she was really overreacting, it was just one picture and none of the kids even gave it a second thought. We ended up having a fight.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your ex probably would’ve been offended if you sent her a pic with all the kids.
Try asking your wife how she would feel if the father of her son sent her a pic with his new kids. Maintaining a good co-parenting relationship with the ex and respecting their boundaries if possible is very important for the kids and it is also beneficial for the new partner.
Less stress for everyone. Your wife clearly has issues with her son’s father not being as involved but that isn’t your fault.
If the kids in a blended family get some alone time with both their birth parent and the step-parent they will feel seen and cherished. Forcing them to be a lump package all the time is likely to create resentment.
Have you talked about how you two are going to handle step-parenting before getting married? It sounds like some couples therapy would be helpful. Otherwise, this will happen every time you do something with your kids only, which should happen sometimes.” Tribbles_Trouble
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife is over-reacting big-time here, and has chosen a hill to die on that makes absolutely no sense… and so early in your relationship, too.
I presume you asked her why she thought your ex-wife, her stepson’s mother, should or would be interested in seeing a picture of HER kid?
I know exactly why she’s doing this. She is jealous that another woman had children with you and thus will FOREVER have a connection to, and a claim, on OP, his time, and his money.
She resents to the BACK TEETH that she has to share OP.
Including her son, and by extension herself, in the photos will remind and reinforce that OP has moved on. And belongs to her now.” Then8120NowSTFLDrone
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your wife is acting absurd! She is trying to start problems for no reason. Your ex wanted a picture of her kids, nothing more.
It’s not your fault or your ex’s fault that hers is a deadbeat. Do not let her mess up your good co-parenting situation with her crap because your boys would be the ones to suffer. Your wife needs to say screw her ex and accept that he ain’t anything and be thankful for the fact that she found a good man to step up.
Not many women with good-for-nothing exes find a decent guy to step into that role.” Silent_Syd241
14. AITJ For Bailing On Thanksgiving For The 10th Time To Go To Bali?
“I’m a flight attendant for a major airline, so working on holidays is a given. I’ve been working long enough I could get holidays and time off if I want, but I don’t take them up on it.
For the past decade, I’ve skipped major family holidays and events like weddings and christenings. Part of it has to do with something that happened a long time ago. Long story short, my ex knocked up my sister and they got married. I have no interest in them and haven’t met their children.
I haven’t even gone back to my hometown since their engagement announcement.
My mother has been asking me when I’m going to come back. And the answer is never. I tell her I don’t know. Well, she and my dad are getting up there in years and they want a family celebration with everyone, including my liar of an ex and his family.
She just asked when I’m going to be here for thanksgiving and I told her that work got in the way. She broke down crying over the phone and pleaded with me to put in a time off request so I can see her.
My other family thinks I should do this one thing because it’s not healthy to put work over family.
Honestly, I can’t stand to see my ex happy with his affair partner and what could have been us. Also, I am spending part of the holidays in Bali and have better things to do than be miserable in Cleveland.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But have you never discussed this with your mother? She would know exactly why you haven’t come home for 10 years.
Big family occasions are the worst times to try and reconcile. Has she never invited you home for a weekend or even Christmas when your sister is at the liar’s parents’ house?
How about sending them tickets to join you at a destination of your choice?
Your parents have made their choice, and so have you. If you really don’t want to change your relationship with your parents, it’s time to block them completely as you know you won’t go back for their funerals if you’re forced to plan them with your sister.” AggravatingPatient18
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You aren’t putting work over your family.
You are putting your own protection and healing into overseeing your betrayers. Vastly different. It’s not choosing Bali over family. It’s choosing to give yourself a gift, instead of putting yourself through more pain.
That’s a healthy and healing choice for you.
It is traumatizing to go to a place where everyone assumes that you have no pain at all over their wrong actions because you put on a polite face. It is adding to the old pain, to pretend their lack of remorse, their flaunting their happiness, isn’t making things worse.
This isn’t a best friend that did this to you, who you might bump into at the grocery while visiting relatives in the same town and running out to get more cinnamon. That you could smile and walk away from, and sit and be stunned for a bit in the auto parts parking lot before you went back to the party.
This is a situation at the party, where everyone else has forgiven them and accepted them without any remorse on their part, without any changed behaviors on their part. They are like King Claudius in Hamlet, still benefiting from their wrong behavior, and so not repenting.
People expect you to do all the work here, to pretend that your pain didn’t happen, that they didn’t wrong you, that you have erased it all – that’s a lack of compassion for you.
Sometimes the betrayal is too deep, and even if you accept what happened, you just need to protect yourself from those people, because they have never cared about what they did to you, while they were getting what they wanted. If they can’t have remorse, they can’t ask you to forgive them, because they aren’t changing themselves at all, and don’t see that they did wrong.
You can let it go, and not dwell there, but that doesn’t mean you can spend time with them and have them rip it all open again. That can set back your healing and require lots of recuperation time. I think your ‘never’ is appropriate for you and your healing and your situation.
‘she and my dad are getting up there in years and they want a family celebration with everyone.’
Have they visited you? Can they still travel? Can you work out a visit with just them? Even a visit where you see them as a surprise so the betrayers won’t know?
There might be a way to get a visit with just you and them. That’s a reasonable thing.
But for them to use their age (I’m retired) as a manipulation to try to force a reconciliation which would be a pretense, just to please them?
That’s wrong of them to do to you. They are asking you to bear the whole burden of the wrong done TO you, by asking you to pretend that you have a relationship with people that betrayed you. Would they invite their mugger to their party?
That’s less of a betrayal because it’s not as personal.
It’s a reasonable thing, at this point, to tell them that you aren’t going to discuss parties, your betrayers, or any aspect of your betrayers’ lives, with your parents. It’s also reasonable to end any conversation when they bring up either of these topics.” blueberryyogurtcup
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! You were betrayed by your ex which is traumatic enough but your sister’s betrayal! There’s no coming back from that. Her betrayal is egregious. Even though your parents were upset with her behavior they eventually caved because she had a child.
Grandchild trumps sister’s betrayal. So they in turn betray you.
Here’s the thing. They could and should have a relationship with their grandchildren but they threw you under the bus. If they truly wanted you there then it would be a celebration without your sister and her family.
Your sister’s consequences for her egregious behavior had an expiration date in your parent’s eyes—giving birth wiped her clean.
If they truly want to see you then they should make accommodations to ensure the absence of your sister and her family. But they want you to walk into a nest of vipers.
They’ve made their choices and those choices didn’t include a healthy relationship with you.
Go to Bali! Have a blast! You can have your family Thanksgivings when you decide to start your own family.
For your benefit only, Consider talking this through with a therapist so you can get to a place where a phone call or invite from your mom doesn’t cause you angst. They’ve hurt you enough.
Take care of yourself.” MagicianOk6393
13. AITJ For Falling Asleep At My In-Laws'?
“My (23) husband (28) and I recently had a baby, about three months ago.
Usually, we do a 50/50 split so if I did Tuesday night he’d do Wednesday, I went back to work two months ago due to him losing his job (sort of relevant later)
He’s been job hunting and doing childcare while I work.
One week he was sick with flu, so for like 8 nights I was up basically all night with the baby and going to work – I’m exhausted I swear the baby sensed I’m temporarily doing it by myself and is waking up more frequently, baby spends the day at my mothers and then I do pick up after work and then continue with childcare.
Wednesday his parents arranged a meal to celebrate his birthday, I’d been running on maybe 4 hours of sleep
I told his parents I wouldn’t make it, but they complained it’d be the last time they’d see us till after Christmas, I told my husband and he asked me to come and that it was important to him.
While waiting for dinner in their dining room, I fell asleep.
My husband said it was incredibly rude, that I didn’t put an effort into staying awake, his mother has my side but still says I should’ve gone to the living room.
It’s becoming an argument, but we’re both sleep deprived.
I don’t think I’m the jerk, but my husband does and I’d love to see what people think.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I recommend that both of you do whatever is in your power to get the rest you need and then come back to this issue.
If you have the power to take a mental health day, I would recommend it. Your husband does not have the right to make you feel bad for sleeping.
Listen, no one in this world is going to take care of you like you can take care of yourself.
The world has a tendency to push and cajole and guilt women into doing things that we don’t want to do or are too overwhelmed to take on. You are the only person who can say no, who can put up those boundaries to protect your health and well-being.
If you do not learn how to disappoint others to take care of yourself, you will run yourself ragged. You are a human and you deserve to rest. And, honestly, if you don’t take the time to get the sleep you need, the sleep you need will take up your time when you least want or expect it… Like falling asleep in the dining room at your husband’s birthday party.” aboutsider
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Let me get this straight.
You’re 3 months postpartum. You’re the only one working because your older partner can’t keep a job. You’re also the only one taking care of the baby because your partner got a man-cold.
This is already super bad and it shows your partner is 100% taking advantage of you and most likely baby trapped you.
Then this leech has the audacity to get mad at you for being exhausted and passing out at your in-laws’ house?
Girl, you should ditch the loser, move in with your mom and work on getting back on your feet.
Your partner is deadweight in every sense of the word.” veni_vidi_dixi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why isn’t your husband looking after the baby while you are at work instead of handing the baby to your mother? Because if he was then he might understand how tired you are.
Your body is literally still recovering from growing and birthing a baby (this can take up to two years!). What is he spending his days doing because unless he has back-to-back interviews, he has time to rest and sleep while the baby is away and so he really doesn’t have to cope with the same lack of sleep and rest as you do.
And for him to call you rude, when you already tried to get out of the dinner, knowing how tired you are, is beyond ignorant on his part. The time he did his 8 days of full-time work and minding the baby every night and then see how he feels.” International-Fee255
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12. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For My Sister's Baking Tools?
“My sister (26F) and I (34F) wanted to do a money cake as a present for our mom’s birthday.
Because the quotes for buying a money cake ranged from $150-175, my sister suggested we make it ourselves. My sister wanted to make it from scratch but I suggested that we should buy a regular cake and then cut out the middle to insert the kit we get from Amazon.
I don’t think she’s made a cake before and I was trying to tell her it’s harder than she thinks it is as there are many points of failure. She however insisted because she was tired of people telling her what to do and so I relented.
In the end, the ‘strawberry shortcake’ didn’t look very good and was practically inedible but it didn’t matter because the fun part was our mom pulling out the money.
Now when it was time to split the cost of the cake she put the total cost at $100.
I asked, how? The cake, aside from the cake part, was just strawberries and cool whip and the money box kit was about $16. She explained that the boxes of strawberries were $12 each and that she got 2 of them. Even accounting for these, I still didn’t understand how it became $100.
She got upset because I asked how it cost that much. She felt that I didn’t trust her and was performing an audit but I was just trying to understand. It turns out she included the full Amazon bill that included all the baking tools she didn’t have.
She found me petty and ridiculous when I explained that I was fine to pay for the ingredients and the one-time things she got like cake cardboard and the money box of course, but I didn’t want to pay for cake carriers, pans, and other tools because they were hers to keep.
AITJ? The reason why she wanted to make the cake in the first place was that she was tired of people telling her what to do. She wanted the opportunity to learn but it’s not my responsibility that she doesn’t have the tools handy. If I was really petty, I’d only be paying for the portion of ingredients (eggs, flour, sugar, etc) she used.
Edit: Clarifying that we could have bought a cake for $16 from Whole Foods and did the money box portion ourselves. It would have been about $40 total.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she wanted you to share those costs she should have asked you before purchase, but you still could have said no. That cost is barely less than a professional cake, so it doesn’t sound like she did a good job researching before this adventure.” allgood177
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this is ridiculous. She’s trying to charge you ‘professional’ rates and even messing up with that.
When you pay for a professional, yes you pay for use of tools and ingredients and time, but you’re not paying for even HALF the cost of the tools themselves.
It’s like 10% at MAX, probably. Sister is (essentially) charging her ‘first customer’ for her purchase of the tools when the customer had no decision in that process. No, professionals pay for their tools over multiple sellings. It’s what ‘paying for itself’ can mean in a professional sense.
You charge a little bit of extra money, and eventually, you’ll have recuperated the loss of buying the tools AND made an extra profit.
Also, if you’re paying a professional, you’re paying for some level of quality. And while I’m sure SIL didn’t intend to make a quote ‘inedible cake’ if a professional baker sold you an inedible cake, would you pay them?
If you want to try and compromise, you can tell her that you’ll pay for all of the ingredients and her time, but that you won’t pay a cent for the tools. Because she bought those with no input from you, you didn’t even know she didn’t have them.
You essentially paid for her to try out baking. Which isn’t fair to you.” PunkinPumkin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She wanted to bake the cake from scratch. It was her responsibility to get the tools. And even if she absolutely had to split the cost of the tools (for financial reasons or whatever), she should’ve talked to you about it before buying them and asked if you could help her out.” maxxxineminx
11. WIBTJ If I Don't Agree For My Partner's Brother To Move In With Us?
“I (24m) and my partner (23f) have our own house that we rent with her grandmother that is labeled as 4 rooms but the last room is literally a closet space so the house is a nice size but not big. Earlier in the week she asked me if her nephew (4m) who is around 2000 miles away from us could stay with us for a few weeks until they can figure something out to give his other sister permission to be a legal guardian because her brother wants to get him out the state they live in the mother does illegal stuff.
She just gets high and will leave the house for a week with no notice. I said that’s okay even though the thought of legally getting in trouble stresses me. We have a new child of her own to take care of.
Then a few days later my partner asked if her brother can move with us too.
We don’t have the space really and on top of that, her family says he is a fugitive. Maybe if that wasn’t the case I might be okay with that, but my partner keeps saying it’s her brother so she can’t abandon him.
Another note her mother has 2 rooms in her house and lives about an hour and a half away from us. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Noooooo NTJ. And that is a giant can of worms.
You’re not allowed to simply box up a kid and send them out of state from their parent.
Regardless of how messed up the mom is, there needs to be a custody lawyer involved to actually address what rights and legal guardianship are involved.
4-year-old also would be starting school soon, and you would have NO legal standing in terms of emergency, medical, or anything else.
This is not adopting a puppy or kitten. You could put yourself in legal hot water liability.” WholeAd2742
Another User Comments:
“He is already a fugitive and will soon have an amber alert out on him after he kidnaps this child. YTJ for considering any of this nonsense with a baby in the house.
Your partner is a jerk too so I’m guessing it’s everyone who sucks here. It doesn’t matter what the nephew’s mom is doing, how do you think the state will take it when his wanted by the law father kidnaps him? You have a kid to think about and need to put your foot down immediately.” kairi14
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner says it will be a ‘few weeks’. Your partner has no way of knowing they can get something worked out in a few weeks, that is probably wishful thinking. Also if he is indeed a ‘fugitive’ and is found to be staying with you and your partner, you both could be charged with aiding and abetting a fugitive and this could impact the stability of your home for your child.
Also. If your brother is a fugitive related to your nephew’s custody, you and your partner could possibly be charged with kidnapping, if he is not supposed to have your nephew with him. Lastly, your child is your primary priority, if Child Protective Services gets involved they, could possibly take your child from you and your partner, by saying you are not providing a safe environment for your child, by knowingly allowing a fugitive to live with you… And if he is not the custodial parent, your nephew cannot stay with you without risking your own child.
Let them stay with his mother or someone else. You would never forgive yourself if you lost custody of your child trying to help your partner’s nephew.” Gladtobealive2020
10. AITJ For Reporting My Nephew To The Police For Stealing And Damaging My Car?
“I’m 22M and I’m the product of an affair.
My dad is about 25 years older than my mom so all 3 of my siblings from him are 17+ years older than me. I didn’t have a relationship with that side of the family for the majority of my childhood, but my dad and grandparents often sent money, holiday cards, birthday gifts, etc. I’m a lot closer to them now and had good relationships with all of my siblings, nieces, and nephews until this happened.
I own a 1976 Corvette Stingray that was gifted to me by my maternal grandpa when I turned 17. I’ve built this car up from a roller and it’s my most prized possession. I went out of town for 2 weeks for work and left my car in my paternal grandparents’ garage.
I don’t like keeping it at my place when I’m away for long because I don’t live in the best area. I’ve done this since my freshman year of college and there has never been any issue until now.
When I got back in town, I immediately went to my grandparents’ house to pick up my car and there was a big dent and a lot of paint missing off the side of my car.
It looked like someone side-swiped my car. I asked them what happened and they were confused. When I showed them they were as shocked as I was. They told me that my nephew ‘Kevin’ (25M) had been messing around in the garage the previous weekend but they didn’t see him take the car at all.
We checked their camera system and sure enough, he had taken my car.
I tried to call Kevin but my number was blocked so I called my brother and told him what Kevin did to my car. He said he’ll ask him about it and recommended a body shop for the estimate and repair.
When I got the estimate back, there were $3700 in damages. I told my brother the estimate and he said that the estimate was ridiculous and that the damages weren’t ‘that bad.’ I told him either he or Kevin had to pay for it to get fixed or I’d be contacting the police.
I gave him 3 days and he didn’t pay me so I filed a police report and gave them the videos of him taking my car. Kevin was arrested at work and my brother was mad.
He called me going off about how I ruined Kevin’s life over a car and said some threats.
My sisters and dad have been calling and texting me asking me to just put the family first and drop the charges but I don’t want to. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s not some 13-year-old kid who didn’t understand the consequences of his actions… you gave them the opportunity to keep it away from the law and they refused. If it’s anyone’s fault it’s your brothers – or shocker your nephews.
Your nephew by refusing to own up to it, trying to avoid punishment, and stealing it in the first place. Your brother for enabling the behavior and not either paying or making him pay to fix the damages. You gave them 3 days they wanted to mess around and find out believing you would just roll over.
Well. Joke’s on them.” Few_Screen_1566
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Dude choose to steal your car for whatever reason and completely damaged it. The second he choose to steal a multi-thousand dollar vehicle his fate was sealed. Thank God for security cameras. He deserves to be arrested and held legally and financially responsible for his actions.
No one gave him permission. That’s grand theft auto. It’s a felony.
You didn’t ruin anything. You’re the victim of multiple crimes. His own actions and choices caused him to be arrested and ruined his life. Not you.
You even went so far as to warn his father to pay the damages or face legal consequences.
He made his choices and ignored you. I wouldn’t have even given them that choice and would have called the police the night I found the damage.” depressivedarling
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your brother really disbelieved the repair estimate but was serious about covering it, he could have asked for a second estimate from a different shop.
And three days would have been more than enough time to come back with that response.
That he didn’t ask for that says he wasn’t that serious.
That ‘Kevin’ himself also had you pre-emptively blocked says that he had no interest in dealing in good faith.
I also find it telling that your brother is the one that recommended to shop that you used for the estimate. Why did he recommend that shop, if he wasn’t going to trust their estimate?
Personally, I could believe $3700 for repairs on a Vette. They’ve been fiberglass body construction for decades.
Even if a replacement panel can be found cheap, the other body & painting work doesn’t sound cheap. $3700 might even end up being a low estimate.
Overall, it doesn’t sound like anyone in the family is willing to make good on the cost of repairs.
Which means you’ll have to go through insurance.
Which will likely double your nephew’s problems. Because he stole the car, your insurance is likely to sue him to recoup their costs. Which will be more than the costs of the repair itself.
Even if you dropped the criminal charges, it won’t stop your insurance from suing, if they’re going to.
And once that ball is rolling, the only way to stop it will be for nephew to pony up voluntarily.
The way your family can stop this is to pay up. If they don’t want to pay up, why should you make any effort to deflect any of it?” hard_tyrant_dinosaur
9. AITJ For Refusing To Take Care Of My Sister To Focus On Myself?
“My (35M) sister Daniella (33F) has Rett syndrome (a rare genetic neurological and developmental disorder that affects the way the brain develops) and will never be able to live independently. Growing up, my parents forced my older brother Henry (42M) to essentially be a third parent and caretaker for Daniella.
Then they expected that of me after Henry moved out when I was 10. I was forced to quit all my extracurriculars. I was never allowed to go anywhere or do anything outside of school hours because they would need someone to complete chores while they were at the hospital with Daniella or look after Daniella while they went out to ‘have fun.’ It was very common for them to say things like ‘You get to see your friends every day at school.
We only get to see ours two nights a week!’ They would be out until midnight most times and I would be on my own taking care of Daniella. I moved out the day I graduated high school. I only talk to my parents for family emergencies, because any other conversation becomes about me again becoming a full-time, unpaid caregiver for Daniella.
Recently my father experienced a health scare. He is fine, but it made my parents realize that they are getting older and will not be able to take care of Daniella someday. They finally got Daniella on a waiting list for a care home, but it’s obviously a very long wait and it’s very likely that my parents will either pass away or become unable to care for Daniella before it will be her turn to enter the care home.
My parents explained this to me and said how since I have the ability to work from home with my job, I can start ‘taking over’ certain days with Daniella’s care to ‘get back into the hang of’ it and be ready in case I need to become her full-time caregiver.
I explained that I would not work from home, because it makes less money and I want to focus on advancing my career. I also wanted free time for my own hobbies and outside social life. My parents called me selfish and said that I need to realize caring for Daniella will not leave enough time for ‘those other things.’ I told my parents I would not be caring for Daniella.
I’ve spent my entire childhood taking care of her and I’m done.
Now other family members and some acquaintances are telling me what a horrible person I am because I am prioritizing career advancements and hobbies over my own sister. Some are calling me an ableist because Daniella’s disability isn’t fair to her or my parents and I am essentially saying disabled people shouldn’t be accommodated by refusing to help care for Daniella.
I believe that disabled people all deserve to have their needs met. At the same time, I’m not obligated to keep putting my life on hold for Daniella and my parents. I know on the outside it sounds horrible to prioritize my career and hobbies over my disabled sister, but I won’t return to revolving my life around caring for Daniella because it’s never going to stop if I do.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The situation sucks, and I feel for Daniella for sure. But… she’s not your child she’s your sister. Yes, it would be cool if you could spend time with her and help out every once in a while.
But it doesn’t sound like you can do that. It sounds like if you give your parents an inch they’ll take a mile. So this isn’t actually about Daniella this is about your parents, and that’s what you should tell anyone who tries to get onto you about it.
Your parents are the parents here. She’s their child. It’s their responsibility to ensure she has proper care, not yours (it would be nice if you could contribute to that but it’s not a requirement).
You deserve to have your own life, your own career, and hobbies.
Just as much as Daniella deserves to be as independent as possible and be cared for. You are not less than your sister, your career and dreams and happiness aren’t less than her happiness.
Do I think that maybe sometime down the road you should consider making time to see her for a little while each week?
Yes, I do.
Does that mean you should take over her care for days? Or full-time for the rest of your life? No.” GoldenGoof19
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. AT ALL. All these family members who want you to sign your life away are welcome to volunteer.
Or stuff it. As to the acquaintances, you might let them know you already gave up a good chunk of childhood. They are welcome to sign up of course.
Or stuff it.
Frankly, I would go no contact with the whole lot of them at this point.
You are not being ableist. Or selfish for that matter. Your parents have been dropping the ball for decades now. They apparently forgot they had three kids. They were more than willing to take care of your sister, but what about you and your brother?
There should have been part-time caregivers or respite care to take care of her while your parents got breaks and maybe even parented you. Some of those family members criticizing you now should have maybe been there to help out. So your parents could spend time with their other children and with each other.
I get having a disabled child is very tough. I have seen what it does to families. But you can’t allow the disabilities one child suffers to also steal a semblance of normal life for other children or their parents. You and your brother had your childhoods crippled in a way as well.
It is not your job and never was. Sure, you could willingly volunteer. Some people do. But it should not be an expectation. At the very most the expectation should be if you had the money and if you could spare it and wanted to you could hire somebody.
Or find a different care home.” surfaholic15
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is not and never was your responsibility to take care of your sister.
Someone will have to be her guardian after your parents are gone but that consists only of paperwork and administrative duties that don’t take much time but are important to make sure she receives adequate care at the facility.
But that someone does not need to be you, or your brother. Or a family member. Though if a family member is berating you for being selfish, thank them for volunteering, tell them you will let your parents know, and then hang up.
You and your brother do need to make sure that your parents prepare an estate plan, through an Estate Planning lawyer.
It’s a specialty. But a simple will is not going to suffice, there will need to be a trust and a paid trustee if neither you nor your brother wants to do it.
The lawyer can offer recommendations if parental units don’t know anyone as could the facility’s social worker.
The entire estate, the real property, and all assets and insurance payouts, will most likely automatically roll over into a trust upon your parents’ passing.
But remember that ‘no’ is a complete sentence and it is okay to hang up on and block people that are rude to you.
Even if you two are on bad terms, your brother is your ally in this. Because while you don’t want to do the caretaking (and no judgment about that either), I am sure neither of you wants her to be neglected or mistreated.” AccomplishedPhone342
8. WIBTJ If I Tell My Friend About How Disappointed I Am About My Birthday Celebration?
“My birthday was a couple of days ago, and I was actually able to get that Friday off.
I’ve never been a big birthday person. Frankly, they’ve mostly just made me sad since I was a teenager since nobody seems to care.
This year, all I wanted was for my parents to make a pumpkin patch the day before, then maybe play some mini golf and grab some dinner downtown on the day of.
Well, we went to the pumpkin patch, but it was very clear that he just wanted to leave so we left early with getting much. He felt good enough to stop by the casino on the way back (I hate the casino).
I was disappointed, but he said he was making it up to me by bringing me to a really nice restaurant.
Like super fine dining and expensive. I told him that this wasn’t necessary, but he insisted.
We Uber down and hit some bars before the reservation. I pay for it since I know he is a little strapped for cash and will be spending a lot more later.
The reservation time comes and we order some appetizers and he orders a bottle of champagne. I thought it was good, but he insist that the appetizers are not up to par, and he wants to leave and go elsewhere since it won’t be worth the money.
I don’t really care too much because, again, I didn’t need to go somewhere so fancy. But I was a little embarrassed. I pay for an Uber to a restaurant where he has some friend’s work. Do we eat? No. He leaves me at the bar with some guy who won’t leave me alone while he talks to his friends.
I ended up spending $50 there but I couldn’t tell you how. I buy another Uber home, and I order myself some trashy Domino’s pizza.
I had to work the next day and, embarrassingly, I left in tears. I have a lot of other stresses and mental health problems going on right now, too, but having to sing happy birthday for a million other tables today was the icing on the cake.
I just wanted to get a pumpkin and go to Texas Roadhouse. Instead, I spent $300 doing stuff I didn’t even want to do.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner showed you what his priorities are. They are having a good time and hanging out with his friends.
You and your feelings are not a priority to him. You deserve to be treated a lot better than this, and unfortunately, I doubt his behavior will change. I would recommend ending this relationship and celebrating by treating yourself to a proper birthday celebration with friends.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you have a better belated birthday celebration!” crazybirdlady93
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m not the kind of person to just tell people to leave their partner. It would seem very rushed to throw away a long-term relationship with someone you love just because they were selfish on your birthday.
If your partner behaves this regularly, however, you really should consider leaving him though. I can’t judge the guy just by this behavior alone, but what he did on your birthday isn’t really a good advertisement for a long-term partner.
Think about how much you are worth to yourself and if your mental state allows you to stay with this person or if he has other qualities that balance out his, hopefully, occasionally selfishness.
You will be in no way a jerk for bringing this up though. He knew what your expectations were and they weren’t really that high and his behavior was extremely selfish. If money was tight, why would he take you to a super expensive place anyways?” _Katrinchen_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
When it’s someone else’s birthday, you suck it up and do the thing that they want to do unless there’s a very good reason not to. ‘I find pumpkin patches boring’ isn’t a good enough reason.
Instead of suggesting something else you might like, he takes you to a casino, which you hate.
So your day becomes about him.
Then he suggests super expensive activities but you’re expected to pay… Now there’s nothing wrong with being strapped for cash, but you don’t insist on going somewhere super expensive when you’re not the one paying. This was a treat for him, not a treat for you.
And, also… this man doesn’t have money to take you to dinner but has money for a casino? Either he’s lying about being strapped for cash, he does not prioritize you financially, or he has some bad financial habits that you should be wary of.
Then, he ditches you. At your make-up bday celebration.
Does this man do anything just for you that is not in his own self-interest? Because it looks to me like he wants all the benefits of having a partner without putting in the work and emotional consideration.
You sound like a nice person. He sounds like something I can’t say without getting my comment deleted. Prioritize yourself because he certainly isn’t.” Charming-Barnacle-15
7. AITJ For Having A Car Towed?
“I live in a condo in a building that’s completely full. There are residential parking and visitor parking. On almost every night, the visitor parking is full and so is the street parking.
It’s not uncommon for my friends to have to park a far distance and then walk to my place. When I bought my condo, it came with 2 parking spaces. Since I was single and had only 1 car, the management company offer to buy back 1 space.
I thought about it but decided to keep both spaces just in case I get married while still living here. In any case, it can serve as parking for visiting family or friends. I want to be very clear, these parking spaces are part of my condo, and they are listed in the mortgage and deed. They are not free and I turned down a hefty cash offer for 1 of them.
On Saturday, I was having a dinner party with some friends. As usual, some complained they had to park several blocks away and the ones that didn’t make fun of them for coming late. Someone said I had an extra parking space and the smart ones tried to get here early to get that space.
Then they tried to figure out who was the smartest person that got the space and we soon realized no one at the party parked in my space. A group of us went to the parking area and sure enough, there was a car in my space.
I took a pic and after confirming it didn’t belong to anyone at the party, I called security to have it towed.
Most everyone at the party cheered but a few people were not happy I was having the car towed because the car had a handicap plate.
This morning those people were really salty and messaged me that it was a jerk move. I argued it was my space and they didn’t have permission while they argued it was a parking space and I just cost someone $200 (I’m not sure if the fee, that’s just the figure someone threw out during the argument) and made their life harder.
I argued the parking space is mine just as my kitchen. Some handicapped person can just come into my house without an invitation and start cooking in my kitchen because it’s easier for them. I should add that my spaces are not nearer to the doors or better than other spaces for disabled people.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s literally your spot, and it’s very interesting that people were all supportive of you defending your property until they are finding some reason to turn on you so they don’t look like a bad guy to other people. Cuz that’s really what it is, they’re trying to save face.
If you haven’t done this already, you should make sure that your spots are marked with your unit number or whatever just so it’s abundantly clear that they are yours, and if people Park in them without your permission, just tell them.
If they have your number on them, if somebody would like to ask to use that space they need to come up to your door and knock.
And then if you say no they need to walk away. If they don’t have the manners to even ask you, they shouldn’t be parking in your spot.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“I think YTJ. You’re right, it’s your spot and other people shouldn’t park there.
However, there are many ways to deal with our problems and you didn’t have to resort to such a drastic solution from the get-go. It seems it was the first time that that person parked in your spot and maybe they wouldn’t do it anymore, in which case you could’ve just let it go since someone using your spot only one time wasn’t really going to cause you any harm.
You could’ve tried to discover who the owner was and talk to them, you’d be surprised that many people are actually decent enough to say they’re sorry when they do something wrong. You could’ve left a note in the car telling the owner that was your spot and please don’t use it again, because maybe that person didn’t realize they were using someone else’s spot (they could have been visiting and thought that was the spot of the person they were visiting, for example).
You were too drastic because you think you’re wronged by someone you don’t know and acted in a drastic way, which might not have been necessary at all had you tried other ways to solve your problem.” junglemoon90
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you lived in a house and people started parking in your driveway because ‘you aren’t using it’ you would do the same thing.
We hear these stories every day and the offenders know well that they’re parking in assigned spaces.
It’s either a stranger who had no idea you wouldn’t need the spot or someone who knows it’s yours and used it without asking.
Towing might be a bit extreme, but well within your rights.
I PROBABLY would have just left a note not to do it again but you were annoyed that your guests couldn’t use your parking space.” Rando_R_Random_IV
6. AITJ For Telling My Dad Not To Take My Grandparents To Court?
“So I (f16) have a mom who got diagnosed with Ovarian cancer and it ended up spreading throughout her body. She put up a good fight for a while. About a month ago her doctors decided it would be best for her to be in a home hospice.
My mom agreed.
Before she got put in hospice she was at the hospital for a while trying different treatments for her cancer. My grandparents (her parents) ended up getting temporary custody since she couldn’t take care of me.
Since I was 5 and my parents got divorced I spend every weekend with my dad.
I enjoy the weekends with my dads. 5 years ago he married my stepmom and I got 2 step sisters. Well my dad’s house isn’t that big so my stepsisters share a room and whenever I stay I sleep on the couch in the living room.
So it isn’t an ideal place to stay all the time.
Well since my mom got put on hospice I’ve wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. So my grandparents didn’t force me to go to my dad’s they understand that I want to spend time with my mom.
Well, it’s upsetting my dad that I don’t want to visit him even though I explained that I just want to spend more time with my mom.
Today my dad and stepmom showed up at my grandparents’ house saying he’s my dad and it isn’t right they don’t encourage me to see him a couple of times out of the week.
My grandparents said I can make my own decisions and that I have every right to rather be with my mom right now they stay at his house. My dad talks about how it is part of the court agreement and how if he has to he’ll take my grandparents to court.
I stepped in and said if you make us deal with the family court while my mom is on hospice and we’re just trying to spend as much time together as possible I’ll never forgive you. My stepmom put her 2 cents in calling me a brat for trying to guilt trip him into letting me not go see him.
She tried saying she ‘understands’ I want to spend time with my mom but that doesn’t mean I can just stop seeing my dad. So AITJ?
Also in my mom’s will, she stated she wants me to live with my grandparents full time but continue to see my dad on weekends if I would like to.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re a human being and he’s treating you like an object, more specifically a possession. I believe parents have a right to be in contact with their children, but only insomuch as it isn’t actively damaging to their children.
It might be different if you were significantly younger, but at 16, you are absolutely old enough to inform your own decisions. It is clear that your desire to spend every available second you can with your mom is not in defiance of your custody arrangement.
If your father were parenting out of legitimate concern for you, then he would never consider interfering with your choice. It sucks, but he doesn’t see you as your own entity; rather, you are an adjunct to him. When people tell you who they are, believe them; your father is telling you – with actions instead of words – that he believes what he ‘deserves’ is more important than what you want; that it is your responsibility to be his daughter rather than his responsibility to be your father right now.
If I were in your shoes, the fact that it has already gone as far as him suggesting such action would be across a few lines. I would already be considering a life of low contact/no contact based on the very threat. If he actually went to court, it would be over between us.
It’s distressing that he would even consider prioritizing these weekends over the rest of your lives together. He’s the jerk.
Bonus jerk: your stepmom. Holy cow. She can shut up and get out of this entire conversation. She has absolutely no right to breathe a word of this to you unsolicited. Furthermore, I find it sad how many of us fail to see glimpses of our own potential futures in the current actions of the people in our own lives.
For all she knows, this is a behind-the-scenes view of what her life could be subject to if their marriage ever fails.
Most importantly, OP, you are receiving an early and extreme education on how unfair life can be. I’m sorry. Fight for and cherish every moment you can get with your mother; it is further unfair that you should have to fight for them.
There is nothing stopping him from getting in the car and coming to you to take you for dinner or a movie. It’s important to take a moment to breathe from time to time, and he could make an effort to be there for you in that respect.
Yet his priority is about what you can do for him. He should be a rock for you, instead, he’s a stone tied to your leg in a rising tide.
You seem to be keeping your head about yourself, and that’s a sign of strength that will serve you well.
Believe in yourself, and make sure to take time for yourself to take care of yourself. If therapy is available, start now. You’re strong, but remember the strongest thing anybody can do is admit when they’re feeling weak. It’s ok to not be ok, and it’s important to take a moment for self-care when you aren’t.
I wish you the best.” TurtleTheMoon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you’re in the US, your dad doesn’t have much of a leg, legally, to stand on.
I may be assuming a lot, but I’m guessing the court-ordered visitation agreement was made when your parents set up their custody agreement when you were 5.
You’re 16 now, and unless the judge is very backward, you get a lot of say in how your custody will look like.
And tell your dad and his wife to shove it. You’re using the time you have left with your mom to make what memories you can, and this IS part of your grieving process.
They don’t get a say in how you grieve or when it starts. They aren’t helping and don’t deserve your time or energy right now. They should be emotionally supportive instead of raging jerks.
Sending you strength, peace, and hugs. Here’s an internet stranger who understands something of what you’re going through, from both angles.
Take all the time you can to be with your mom. Record on video or voice her stories or advice. I hope what little I have given helps you.” NightTimely1029
5. WIBTJ If I Cancel On Thanksgiving?
“My brother and I are 8 years apart, I’m older. Since he was about 12 I have lived in another state. We aren’t close, but we hang out a few times a year and it’s easy and fun. I recently moved to the same city as he and my parents.
I envisioned us getting closer but it never really happened. He’s the king of ‘I’ll call you tomorrow’ with zero follow-ups. It hurts my feelings, but I’ve accepted it and taken what I can get.
He got married this past September. I was told that there was no wedding party because his wife’s family is too big for her to make a choice and she didn’t want to leave people out.
I was given instructions to get a gray suit and that I’d be given a blue tie for pictures.
On the day of the wedding, I was hanging out in the men’s dressing room and I saw that my brother has a gold tie.
And that his best friend has a gold tie. And that his old bandmate has a gold tie. Odd, but I didn’t think too much of it.
The ceremony started and I was sitting in the audience. Lo and behold, the music starts and there’s a procession.
My brother’s two gold-tie friends walk in and line up on stage left, and his wife’s sister and her husband walk in and line up on stage right. The nonexistent wedding party. At this point, I have an almost out-of-body experience. The ceremony was a blur.
After the ceremony, we ‘took pictures’ which means I took one picture with my brother and that was it. I spent the cocktail hour in a stall in the bathroom, embarrassed and hurt.
I made it through dinner ok, and instead of cake, my brother had made a ton of his specialty cookies for dessert.
I’m allergic to the recipe as-is, but with a simple tweak, I can have them. He didn’t make any for me or even warn me this was happening so I could bring my own dessert. Anyways, I left the second dancing started. And a week later sent the newlyweds a letter saying basically ‘I thought things would improve once I moved here, but this wedding has shown me that we don’t have a relationship outside holidays at mom and dad’s house, so let’s just keep it real and I will see you there, being disappointed all the time isn’t healthy for either of us’.
The problem is that Thanksgiving is upon us, and not only will they be at my parents’ house but they are bringing a couple of friends with them, so I will be really outnumbered and uncomfortable.
WIBTJ if I opt out for this one year, stating it’s too fresh of a wound for me and I’ll see y’all at Christmas?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
You are free to do Thanksgiving wherever you want.
But I just want to say… I hear your hurt in this post. It’s clear you care about and want to be closer to your immediate family, and that things haven’t shaken out as you expected them to.
But I think at the wedding you chose to take things personally that were not slights against you.
Your brother’s wedding wasn’t about you or his relationship with you. I thought your story was going to be that other siblings (like you and your brother’s other siblings) were at the wedding party and you weren’t given a heads-up.
They each had just two attendants, and your brother picked two people he clearly is socially closer to than your relationship. That’s… not a crime. And it’s not a slight. You were in the dressing room; that means you’re close to the groom.
Not being in the wedding when the wedding party is that small is not a surprise.
Them not having a separate dessert to accommodate you is just something that sometimes happens at weddings. If they chose a different dessert that you weren’t allergic to but wasn’t something you liked, it wouldn’t be a slight against you.
If they were serving peanut butter cookies and you whipped out a slice of cherry pie because you can’t handle not having dessert, that would have been weird (and in my view, immature). It’s not the same as not honoring food allergies at dinner.
You’re a grown-up, and they were just cookies.
I would almost say YTJ for that dramatic response afterward, but that’s not the question at hand.
If you want to be closer to your brother, you should go to Thanksgiving. That’s how you can start building a relationship.
Rejecting him out of hand because your feelings were hurt will not bring you closer together.” einsteinGO
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You were the adult when he was the child and didn’t make an effort to be close to him. You moved back recently and still weren’t close.
Of course, he would want people he’s close to in his wedding party, not a sibling with whom he has no relationship. I understand that you we hurt, but that’s no reason to make drama or take it out on him. You want to declare that you’re ‘wounded?’ That’s foolish.
You wanted to be close but now you want to cut him off? It sounds like you’ve never been willing to put in the work to have an actual relationship with your brother. And now you want to make it awkward for the rest of your family.
This very much sounds like a case of you having a very fragile ego.” panic_bread
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – This is an issue with distance and familiarity. I have a similar issue with my brother, who, despite all the effort I’ve placed through the years, we’ll never be close, and I’ve learned not to take anything he says or does personally.
Because of the distance, living in another state, and the age difference, it’s natural for you not to be at the front of his mind. On top of that, planning a wedding involves a lot of stress and hard work, so not thinking about your dietary restrictions comes as no surprise.
I was so busy worrying about the details of my wedding that I forgot my dad was allergic to coconut and almost sent him to the emergency room on the day of the wedding. The point is, that it’s easy to miss the most obvious details when planning a wedding.
That being said, your brother should never have lied to you about the wedding party or talked to you about the decision beforehand to avoid the shock on the day off. I feel your pain and see your wish to have a better relationship with him, but the way I see it, the ball is in his court now.
You’ve made an effort and communicated your disappointment with him, so the best you can do is give him as much space as possible and live your life, trying not to let his attitude and neglect get to you. I know it’s much easier said than done, but trust me, once you’ve embraced that sharing DNA does not make him ‘family,’ you can set aside the negative feelings and be free from needing validation from him.
Also, being cordial during family events, no longer reaching out, and being detached emotionally from him, will send him a strong message to either make an effort or never have a relationship. Showing indifference is the loudest action you can take without causing drama or making the issue worse.
Regarding thanksgiving, you should go despite the possibility of being uncomfortable. Don’t let this issue, which may be minor to him, grow and fester into a larger problem that may accidentally drag your parents or other family members into it. By not going, you are now involving more people, forcing your folks to take sides or alter future events, and the rift will become obvious to everyone.
You don’t want your family or anyone else getting in the middle and accusing you of being the hostile one. Go to the dinner. Bring a SO, friend, friendly cousin, or coworker to the dinner to avoid drama or conversation about the topic and act like there is no problem; smile, be polite but keep your answers short don’t ask him anything about his life, and treat him the way you would treat a coworker.
Leave early and with a smile. Send a nice message after dinner to everyone you saw there but not to your brother and his wife. This will send a message which will make you feel better about the situation but will remove any blame from you.
If you don’t go, you are taking a large and very public action that may miscommunicate your intent and paint your pain as immature and petty. Also, it will establish a precedent and cause more of a rift. The more paranoid part of me also thinks that there is a chance that the situation might be discussed during dinner, with only your brother’s side being shared. Your actions will be remembered by everyone, and you want to come out having taken the higher road and with no regrets or the possibility of idle gossip.
You made an effort, showed up, and no one can say anything negative about your actions. By showing up, you avoid the possibility of negative backlash, and who knows? Maybe things will start getting better from that point on. However, if you don’t go, you only leave yourself open to making things worse between you two.
Just my two cents.
TLDR: No jerks here – but by not going, you make yourself look bad to your family and create an uncomfortable situation for everyone. Go to the dinner, avoid drama, and take a friend or a couple of friends to act as buffers, make you feel more comfortable, and act cordial to your brother.” Hallzaki
Another User Comments:
“Christ in a cracker, what did I just read?!
You seem to have convinced yourself that moving to the same town as your brother entitles you to a close relationship with him. It does not.
‘This wedding has shown me that we don’t have a relationship outside holidays at mom and dad’s house’
You already knew the type of relationship you and your brother have. You moved away when you were 20 and he was 12. He may not want a close relationship with you, and while that sucks, you have to respect that.
You had a temper tantrum because you weren’t at a very small wedding party.
Which are usually reserved for those we are closest with. That wouldn’t be you. It sucks they lied, but that’s the only thing your brother did wrong.
‘He didn’t even make any for me’
As much as I hate to say it, there is not one single person on this planet who is entitled to dessert.
Y’all aren’t close, maybe he forgot about your allergy. He made the dessert for his wedding himself. Maybe he had a lot going on and totally forgot about his busyness.
Surely your mom and dad knew about the cookies. They could have given you a heads-up, so you might want to be upset with them as well.
The long and short of it is, it was your brother’s wedding. You were included, just not as much as you believe you deserve for some reason. Nothing on that day was about you.
YTJ and from the sound of it, an exhausting one.” SweetPotatoFamished
4. AITJ For Refusing To Babysit During An Emergency?
“I (38f) received a call from one of my really good friends ‘Kara’ (36f) this morning. She said her husband was in an accident and had to have an emergency (but non-life threatening) surgery and she wanted me to watch her newborn (like 4 weeks old) for the 5-6 hours he’s in surgery/recovery.
Note: Kara’s family lives 3 hrs away, and her spouse’s fam is in Florida.
I am disabled due to an accident. I walk with a limp, I can’t do anything high impact because my leg muscle won’t support it, and even just walking I sometimes fall because my leg gives out for no reason.
Because of this, I told her I don’t think it was safe for me to watch her baby. I would be terrified of falling while holding it. I’ve never had any kids so I don’t know how to care for one, though I’m sure I could look it up, but the safety risk to me is too much (to me).
I offered to come to stay at the hospital with her and watch the baby up there where she could still help out but not have to worry so much but she got angry and said I was just being a bad friend and trying to use my disability as an excuse because I didn’t want to watch her baby.
I feel bad because that wasn’t my intention, all I could think of is the hundreds of ways I could accidentally hurt the baby. She finally got a hold of our other friend Cel (who has kids) who’s willing to watch the baby but Cel texted me that Kara is still mad that I cost her extra time and that she could have been at the hospital waiting.
Was I the jerk? Like I said I don’t really know anything about newborns and how much they need to be picked up or moved around, I was just really concerned about safety.
ETA: Cel texted me to say she had the baby. I asked Cel if I should text Kara and ask if she needed anything/wanted support since the baby is handled and Cel said Kara was still mad and why, and told me I should let her get through today and ask tomorrow when she’s had time to calm down.
I don’t think she was trying to start drama.
ETA2: Cel texted me to say that Kara says he’s out of surgery but he’s in pain and vomiting so now Cel has the baby till 9:30 tonight so Kara can stay longer – which is 12 full hours.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have legitimate reasons for saying no and just think about what would happen if you actually did drop the baby. That would be worse. Not knowing anything about newborns and having one under your care for several hours would be nerve-wracking.
You came up with a very good solution which was ultimately rejected.
Kara is probably scared about what will happen with her husband and is lashing out at you. I hope that she realizes that you were the best friend that you could be and that you get an apology.” Initial728
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Kara owes you an apology and once she is past the panic hopefully she will realize that.
You aren’t a suitable babysitter – your disability makes you a risk to the baby. Add on to that the fact that you have zero experience with a baby let alone an infant… You just weren’t a suitable choice.
When you talk to Kara again, tell her that while you feel honored that you were the first person she thought of to care for her baby (this could be an indicator that she views you as trustworthy and dependable) you wouldn’t have been able to do what was needed. You were able to think more clearly than she was at that moment and you know that you would put the baby’s safety at risk because the chance of a fall was so high.
Safety should always come first. Until the child is able to walk and be somewhat self-sufficient you won’t be a suitable sitter.” Ohcrumbcakes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Falling while holding a newborn could be life-threatening. Your friend’s reaction is awful, but she was having an emergency.
I would understand if you decided to go no contact but you could also write her again and ask if you could visit the baby with her present and see if there’s a way that you could watch the baby without needing to stand. Like, having a baby carrier next to you on the couch with a blanket laid across the ottoman for changing diapers on.
Put the kid in the carrier if you need to make a bottle and leave them there while you move alone.
Ask her for a baby lesson and to help you see whether it’s workable to care for a child without walking.
I think it’s probably doable, but I understand this is also a problem of confidence and inexperience.
If you don’t even want to try, no judgment at all. If you did want to try, babies are cute and fun and cuddly once they’re comfortable. You might enjoy the occasional change in routine. It might be worth seeing how you do with your friend there to assist and instruct.” Intelligent_Stop5564
3. AITJ For Blaming My Sister If My Cat Passes Away?
“My, 19f, sister, Kate, is 16f. Kate likes to smoke, which is okay, and so do I; I get it.
Kate doesn’t have a job to pay for her stuff tho, and it seems like, she’s developing a dependency. Cos she’ll go through 3 grams in a day if it’s available to her.
I have to take my cat to the vet tomorrow because he’s overgrooming, losing hair, he’s got some wounds, not playing, and only eating his all-time favorite food.
I work part-time, so I had just enough to take him to the vet put away in a separate savings account, I have insurance for him but they only reimburse me after the fact.
I took out the money on Friday and put it in my wallet.
My sister has never stolen funds before, so I had no reason to hide it from her. She stole it anyways, and since she was at a sleepover yesterday, it’s gone. It was only $70 so I can see how that’s gone in an instant, but it annoyed me a lot.
I noticed it today, and I got really angry at her. I asked her where it was, and she said she spent it, and when asked on what, she said don’t tell mom and dad, so I did tell mom and dad. I got angry at her and said, ‘If Tyson (cat) passes away, it’ll be your fault because I won’t be able to make a new appointment for two weeks now!’
She started crying and said she didn’t realize it was to take my cat to the vet, and she was stupid and I shouldn’t make her feel even worse about it. My parents agree that if she knew she wouldn’t have touched it. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘My parents agree that if she knew she wouldn’t have touched it.’
So, what, if YOUR money was for, say, cinema it would’ve been okay to take it?? What the money is for has nothing to do with the fact that she STOLE money quite knowingly!
She doesn’t have an excuse for that and your parents should really do a better job of teaching her that. Not to mention smoking is actually really bad for health! Especially in teenagers because it affects the brain and hormone balance which we all know are pretty unstable and still developing in teenagers.
Your parents should’ve also kept an eye on that.
You should totally get your sister to reimburse you. Also, consider the fact that your’s and your sister’s smoking habit might be the cause of your cat’s illness. At least ask the vet to test that out.” thenoveladdict
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell your parents if they are that understanding they surely can cover the vet costs so you won’t have to miss the appointment – you assume that the money they have in their wallets is just there to buy things they don’t need like snacks and hair accessories.
They can just leave their wallets out on the table. You’ll help yourself and you’re sure they won’t miss the cash.
The fact that your sister didn’t think of the potential consequences of her actions doesn’t make them cease to exist. It just makes her selfish and thoughtless as well.
It turns out the money was needed for something truly important – but she shouldn’t need to know that for sure in order to decide not to steal from you to buy illegal stuff.” jwjnthrowawaykfeiofj
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but it’s clear you have big problems in your household that are going to take serious intervention and parental participation to fix, and it’s clear your parents checked out if they’re making up excuses to cover for your minor sister smoking up that heavily and stealing money from her family members.
Something is deeply wrong in your house and you, someone barely legal yourself, do not have the finances or life experience to fix it.
There is one thing you can do now: rehome your cat. From the details, you give it’s clear your cat is quite sick and it’s not clear if you can actually afford this cat’s care.
If he’s at that kind of risk in just two weeks you need to get him into emergency and it’s clear you can’t afford it time-wise (driving him well a city over to find a spare appointment) and money-wise. Your cat is not in a safe home, and YWBTJ to your little guy if you didn’t consider his safety and whether you can actually afford him.
Just because he’s cute and good for pets and you like his company doesn’t mean he’s actually being cared for sufficiently by you, even with the best intentions.
If your parents aren’t going to help you get this cat the immediate medical care he needs, please do the right thing and get him to people who CAN give him that.
Then use the money you’ve been saving to try and get out. Your sister is on track to steal from you again and you can’t trust your parents to stop her.” mignyau
2. AITJ For Asking My Fiancée To Pay Bills?
“My (37m) fiancee (30f) and I have been butting heads about money. I make about double what she does but ask her to pay for half of our very reasonable mortgage (540 each) and utilities (150-200 each). We both work full-time.
She makes about $60k and has a pretty high school loans balance that costs her 850 a month. When it’s all said and done this leaves her with about $45 a day budget. I also ask her to split things like groceries which we put on a joint credit card in my name.
Lately, she’s been talking about how low her bank account is and how stressed out she is. She does things she likes such as going to yoga multiple times a week, going to therapy weekly which I encourage, eating healthy foods, etc. She’s taken this I’m going to do what I want and not sacrifice my mental health and happiness for money attitude.
This is fine but she said she might not be able to pay her personal card in full this month which stresses me out.
I use the extra money I make to help us do nice things like vacations. For the past two years, I have been taking most of my extra money to pay down our mortgage which I should be able to pay off in the spring.
I have also gone on a few vacations by myself so I don’t want to make it sound like I’m not also using the extra income for any fun. The main motivation for paying off the mortgage is to make both of our lives better by lowering our overall bills.
I also plan on taking all the tax and whatnot after the mortgage is paid off so she is only paying utilities.
My position is she makes enough money to have a reasonable budget and should be able to stick to that. Being financially responsible is a very important thing to me.
I’ve tried to talk to her repeatedly about this but it always devolves into a fight about how I’m not in her position and how I have money to do whatever I want etc. So AITJ for expecting her to be able to pay basic bills and balance her income?
Edit: We both have been splitting things equally for years and this was the expectation when we moved in together in 2020. Also, the cost of the mortgage we split is significantly cheaper than her rent was prior to moving in.
An equitable % of mortgage and utilities seems fairer, I will look into this.
The fact that the mortgage is in my name is triggering some people here. Sorry guys and gals I happened to buy a house before I met my SO, whoops.
We should probably sit down and talk to a financial person, if nothing else maybe advice from a neutral 3rd person will be good for both of us to hear.
I’m going to offer to pay 2/3rds of the mortgage and utilities which should free up more $ for her immediately to help with stress and be more equitable. I’m also planning on paying her car note off this month for the same reason. This will benefit her more immediately and directly than paying off the mortgage quite as fast.
This is hard for me because you don’t just throw someone on the deed, it doesn’t work like that. Also, I owned the house for 8 years before we met and if she wasn’t helping pay the mortgage at this cheap house she wouldn’t be magically living for free or cheaper elsewhere.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – but not necessarily the approach that will work for your relationship.
If a couple doesn’t have the same outlook on their joint finances, it can become a real issue. It’s normal that one person earns more than the other.
There is a range of approaches that a couple could agree on.
You could each contribute half, as you are doing, on the basis that it’s fair to each pay the same. This is harsher on the lower earner as they will have less disposable income, and it can be toxic to feel poorer than your own partner.
You could contribute proportionally based on take-home pay. It means the higher earner pays more but puts you on an even footing with disposable income.
It’s not that what you’re doing is wrong, but it is an issue if you don’t both agree on what’s fair.” Llyfyrs
Another User Comments:
“Slight YTJ. Not for not having her name on the title, but from the sounds of it you had a lot of it paid off well before she moved in. It’s easy for other people to say sign away half your house because she’s currently contributing.
Which she is, but she also is living in a house for significantly less than she would be able to live in an apartment. Just because her name isn’t on the title doesn’t mean she should be able to have housing at zero cost. She lives there and it is entirely reasonable to expect her to contribute.
If the situations were reversed my answer would still be the same.
Where you are a bit of the jerk is expecting her to pay half when you earn a decent bit more. Especially if she has other debts to be taken care of. That is the part that doesn’t sound very equitable to me.” Flashy_Ferret_1819
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
$540 a month isn’t an unreasonable amount for your fiancee to pay in rent. However, if you’re willing to reduce that amount to $450ish, that’s not unreasonable.
Understand that the amount she pays in shared household expenses isn’t the problem so much as her high student loan debt and ‘I’m going to do what I want’ attitude is.
$850 a month in student loans and hundreds in therapy and yoga costs monthly are high expenses.
Offer to help your fiancee with learning to budget. Until your fiancee prioritizes her financial stability, you should be cautious about joining your finances in marriage. The two of you need to be a good financial fit to help ensure a healthy long-term relationship.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but not a huge one since you made a previous arrangement. Why should she pay half of she brings 1/3 of the income? Sure, you made an agreement a couple of years ago, but with your fluctuating income, a fluctuating bills expectation makes sense.
It would be fairer to split all household bills based on what percent of the household income you bring that month. If one month you don’t do too well and make as much as her, then it would make sense for her to pay 50%.
On another note, a ‘my money’-‘your money’ approach might not be the best plan for maximum saving when it comes to combining your incomes in marriage.
It might be, but it could be better to consider alternative setups. Having joint financial goals for ‘our money’ might make her more responsible with money as well.” First_Second_621
1. AITJ For Turning My In-Laws Against My Brother-In-Law's Fiancée?
“I had to stop working early on in my pregnancy because I was constantly glued to the toilet. Everybody knows it’s a sensitive subject for me because I never wanted to stop working.
To keep myself busy I’ve been remodeling our home since I’ve wanted to do it for ages but never had the time before. My brother-in-law and his fiancée came for dinner last week and she complimented some of the changes. While they were outside, she made a joke about how she was jealous I got to sit around doing nothing all day, and if she had the time their house would look nice too.
She also joked about how she couldn’t wait to be married so she could do the same. It made me feel crap and I got teary-eyed.
When my husband came back in he asked me what was wrong, which made me cry. I told him and he was so angry that he told her to get out of our house.
My brother-in-law tried to calm everybody down but my husband told him to get out too.
My in-laws asked us what happened because my husband said we wouldn’t be going to dinner with them the next day as his brother and his fiancée would be there.
I was the one who explained and now they’re upset with her too.
She thinks I told everybody on purpose to turn them against her and my brother-in-law is angry because he thinks I didn’t need to tell his parents.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna say ‘no jerks here’. She was making a (bad) joke and it wasn’t received in the way she expected, and you’re pregnant so it hit you at least a bit harder than anyone would have expected it to. Your in-laws are protective of you because you’re pregnant but everyone blew this way out of proportion, and I can see why your future-sister-in-law is annoyed because of the way everyone’s reacted to this.
And hormones really do make pregnancy suck (I get super emotional on my period so it’s probably 100x worse when you’re pregnant), so I understand why you’re super upset too.
I think you should probably text your future sister-in-law and explain why it hurt you and that you probably didn’t mean to get so upset, but it really hit a painful topic for you.
If she isn’t a jerk, she’ll apologize and explain why she’s so irritated and you two will make up or at least clear up the air. Don’t apologize for getting upset until after she apologizes to you for making the joke. If she is a jerk, she’ll continue to be snippy with you and think you’re just an emotional princess (which isn’t the case, you’re just pregnant and we all know that sucks sometimes.” dont_eat_my_ramen
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and very sensitive.
Lots of women have to stop working during pregnancy and lots of people joke about getting pregnant for the time of work.
Most people realize it’s a joke that you actually aren’t just at work doing nothing.
You have blown it completely and utterly out of proportion and caused a ridiculous and unneeded rift in your husband’s family.
Pregnancy and hormones are tough going but this is only the start of your parenting journey. I can only imagine how uptight you and your husband will be when the baby comes.
Was your slightly hurt feelings worth the fallout?
Or maybe rather than allow yourself to act like a helpless victim you could have been an adult and said that hurt my feelings I’m actually finding it really tough going.
She would have no doubt said she was sorry and it would have been done.
Instead, it’s like a nuclear bomb was set off in the family.
Completely and utterly over reacted.” Vivid-Bar-6811
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Future-SIL thought she was being cute and jokingly showing envy over what she PERCEIVES as you being ‘relaxed’ as if you’re on an extended vacation.
I’m sure she didn’t MEAN anything by the comments—but they were thoughtless, presumptuous, and rude. And they speak more to HER and how she sees the world, ie, wanting to be taken care of in the home instead of working—and it’s extremely insulting to assume every woman wants to be that kind of wife.
SIL made a crappy assumption that you were living the dream, completely not considering that there might be other reasons why you’re home or that you might not WANT to be there.
It has the same energy as someone seeing a coworker take off a bunch of time from work, assuming it’s a vacation, and joking about the coworker drinking margs and sleeping in when the said coworker was actually at a funeral.
She hit a sore spot and the correct course of action would be to apologize… the fact that she doubled down + considered this a plot against her makes me feel like there’s more going on. Like, I wonder if she’s insecure about being liked by the family, or if she’s just got a victim complex/is jealous… or if anyone even told her why you were so upset (not in detail, but that you didn’t want to stop working but had to because of the pregnancy).” ctortan
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
It’s just like someone saying ‘I’m so jealous you’re thin’ to a person who they didn’t know was anorexic. Hurtful but unintentional. Sure it was hurtful, but being the fiancé isn’t it likely that she didn’t realize how important work was for you?
You should have been graceful and said ‘actually I love my work and it’s a great source of pain for me’. She would have had an opportunity to apologize and walk back her comments, and you would have kept the relationship good
Instead, you chose to assume a bad motive.
You didn’t give her a chance to apologize and you went nuclear over something that could have just been a discussion.
Do you want to nurse your righteous anger forever?
You don’t live in a soap opera. Grow up and learn how to deal with conflicts in a way that gets a good outcome for everyone.” RaysUnderwater
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