People Look For Clarification To Their "Am I The Jerk" Problems

Everyone wants to be understood. It boosts our self-esteem and gives us validation. Sadly, the opinions and actions we make will not always align with those of others. This is the reality, even though it sounds terrible. But we can learn new things and gain new insights by conversing with people who hold different views than ourselves. The folks below are inquiring about our opinions regarding their situations. Do they really look like jerks? They want to know so badly. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

23. AITJ For Not Coming To My Best Friend's Wedding Because My Dog Was Sick?

“My best friend Emma and I have known each other since high school.

We’ve been through everything together, from breakups to job losses. So, when she told me she was planning a ‘special event’ and needed me there, I didn’t hesitate to say yes, despite not knowing the details.

Emma has always been unconventional and loves surprises.

She hinted that this event was going to be ‘life-changing’ and ‘a testament to love.’ Given her flair for the dramatic, I assumed it might be an elaborate proposal from her long-time partner, ‘Jake.’

The event was scheduled at a remote, picturesque location about four hours from where I live.

The week of the event, my life turned upside down. My dog, who’s been my companion for over 10 years, fell critically ill. It was touch and go, and leaving him wasn’t an option for me. I was devastated, torn between my responsibility to my pet and my commitment to my best friend.

I called Emma two days before the event, explaining my situation and how I couldn’t make it. She was incredibly understanding at the time, or so it seemed. I thought everything was fine until the next day when mutual friends started posting pictures of the event—it was Emma’s wedding, a surprise wedding!

I was shocked and heartbroken. I would have loved to witness one of the most important days of her life. But the situation with my dog was something I couldn’t ignore. Emma, however, didn’t see it that way. After the wedding, she sent me a long message expressing her disappointment and hurt.

She felt that I had chosen my pet over our friendship and that missing her wedding was unforgivable.

Since then, Emma has been distant. Mutual friends are divided; some understand my predicament, while others believe I should have made every effort to attend, regardless of the circumstances.

I’m left wondering, AITJ for choosing to stay with my critically ill pet over attending my best friend’s surprise wedding?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. The fact that she didn’t disclose the nature of the event means that you didn’t have the necessary information to make an ‘informed choice’.

A random ‘surprise’ event – four hours away when you have a critically ill dog is a choice between a frivolous ‘want’ event and a responsible need to take care of your pet. Emma had ALL the information, she knew what her event was, and she knew what your situation was – she had every opportunity to SHARE her information so that you would not miss her wedding – and SHE is the jerk for not telling you about this.

If she ‘really wanted you there’, telling you would’ve been the correct choice over keeping her surprise secret.

SHE made the choice and the outcome is all on her. She valued the FUN of the surprise MORE than your attendance. She is the jerk, not you.

At this point anyone telling you this is somehow your fault is just gaslighting you.” TrainingDearest

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You didn’t miss her wedding, you missed an unspecified event. You were managing your priorities based on incomplete information, which was your friend’s fault. You might well have still chosen your dog as the priority, whatever, but not knowing what the other event was meant it had less importance to you.

Your friend pretending that everything was fine when you told her just confirmed your priorities were right in your mind. Your friend effectively lied to you and is trying to blame you for the results of that.” Diligent-Comfort-191

4 points - Liked by leja2, Amel1, lebe and 1 more

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DAZY7477 1 month ago
Unforgivable? It was a medical emergency for goodness sake. A real friend would understand that even if she's upset, but she should have been clear.
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22. AITJ For Clapping Back At My Mom For Commenting On My Weight?

“I (23 f) have struggled with body image issues and ed since I was 12. I was a gymnast for ten years and was no stranger to constant commentary about the way my body looked. My biggest critic has always been my mother.

From pinching my stomach and expressing how ‘pudgy’ I am to sneaking diet pills into my food by the time I was 13. No matter what I eat or weigh there’s always something wrong with the way I look in her eyes. Also, not that it matters, I am 5’4” and 115 lbs.

Now to the main story. I went on a trip with my mom and siblings last week for a wedding. When I got up on the first day of the trip, I went to the kitchen to get some food. My mom and sister were in the kitchen talking and as soon as I walked in my mom stopped mid sentence to say ‘Oh god girl your legs look so scrawny and gross.

You should get back in the gym.’ Like five minutes into the first day. Awesome. So I shut it down. I said ‘Well ten pounds ago you said I was ‘packing on the weight’ and you always have something negative to say no matter what.

So how about you just keep it to yourself unless I ask for your opinion because I spent 5 years starving myself or purging after most of my meals because of those comments in the first place.’ at which point I just went back to my room for a little over an hour.

I didn’t even care to hear her response because I knew how quickly she escalates things.

Later on that day though, my sister and brother texted me to let me know that I hurt her feelings and that I’m a jerk for ‘blaming her for my eating disorder’ and ‘starting off the trip with a bad attitude’ and now I’m confused but also kinda mad because I didn’t say anything until she did and I was actually really excited for a fun trip.

Should I have just not said anything?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your mom sounds deeply callous and isn’t even pretending to care that you have struggled with a severe eating disorder. A caring, loving mother would be concerned about how she is affecting you. She would NEVER comment negatively on your body and would apologize for any negative comments she made in the past.

She sounds extremely abusive. She is using your siblings to manipulate you. She wants to make you feel guilty for ‘hurting her,’ when all you did was make her aware of how her words and actions have affected you. She doesn’t want you to hold her accountable for her actions, so she’s playing the victim when she’s not.” familiarlaughter

Another User Comments:

“The only way you are a jerk is by trying to keep a connection to this toxic family. If it were me (and you are not me), I would block them and never talk to them again. No more chances, they screwed up, and if they want you in their lives, they need to pull their heads out of their butts and put in the work.

NTJ. Remember to take care of yourself because you matter to you.” Beneficial-Mine7741

3 points - Liked by leja2, Eatonpenelope and lebe

21. AITJ For Not Letting My Son Give Away His Remote Control Car?

“I have 2 sons: Robbie (16) and Cameron (8). Robbie had an awards banquet for his team, and the entire family went. Every year they have a raffle with a bunch of different prizes. I bought both of my sons a roll of tickets each and told them to put in for whatever.

Cameron had 2 things he really wanted: a LEGO kit and a remote control car. He put basically all his tickets in for those.

There was another boy there, probably a little younger than Cameron, who was running around and saying that he was going to win the remote control car.

Everyone would just smile and say ‘We’ll see!’

Came time for the raffle, and Cameron won the LEGO kit. A few draws later and he also wins the remote control car. When the other little boy’s parents explained to their son he didn’t win, he broke down in a huge tantrum where he was screaming and crying.

His dad had to carry him out because he was causing a bit of a disturbance.

We were sitting with 2 other families at our table and one told Cameron he should give the car to the little boy. Cameron said no. They looked at me for backup and I said it’s his choice.

I changed the subject. The little boy did return. He came by our table a couple of times but didn’t say anything. Just stared at the car, which I felt was fine.

Later, a friend of mine said a few others felt Cameron should’ve given the little boy the car as he already won something.

I said this is just how raffles work and it’s a good lesson for kids. There are times my sons haven’t won things from raffles or similar events. They learned young it’s all up to luck.

Keep in mind that I never heard from the parents of this child.

I know the mom in passing as our older sons have hung out a couple of times but not that well.

My husband wonders if we should’ve just encouraged Cameron to give it away. AITJ for saying no?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. A child having a tantrum about something not going their way is not your problem to solve.

It’s absolutely ridiculous that other family made any such comment. You should’ve told them they were welcome to buy the kid something if they felt so strongly about vocalizing their opinion on it. Your kid got lucky, it would make no sense to punish him for it.

If your child had a tantrum would you expect others to give him things because of it? NTJ” BulbasaurRanch

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I am SO done with this type of behavior from these kids AND their parents, not to mention those others who chime in.

Just because a child wants something, doesn’t get it because someone else has it then throws a tantrum, and to ‘be fair’ or ‘be the better person’ suggests or demands that they be given it. For what, some kind of ‘life lesson’ or to make the tantrum-throwing goblin feel better?

No! What this teaches is that when you throw a fit then you get what you want, and that is not a lesson that a child should learn.

What you should have said to the families at the table that threw out those pearls of wisdom is ‘Can I have your car?

I really really really REALLY want it!’ When they say that what you’re doing is ridiculous then say ‘Thank you, that’s my point.’ Teach your kids to have character, not be one.” The_Guy_3446

3 points - Liked by Amel1, lebe and sctravelgma

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Kilzer53 1 month ago
Ntj. You responded appropriately. Children need to learn at a young age that they don't always get what they want. Anyone who gives in to atrocious behavior should have their head examined.
3 Reply

20. AITJ For Using My Paid Parking Spot?

“I’m (22 F) currently in my last year of college. About a week ago I moved into my new apartment, the community is really small with three apartment buildings and a total of 28 apartments.

Each apartment has 1 reserved covered parking spot that clearly states each apartment number on the overhang above the spot. The apartment also has uncovered spots that are open to any of the tenants or guests who come into the community.

Saturday morning my family and I arrived in the community to begin moving all my stuff into the apartment.

As we drove in we noticed a car was parked in my reserved spot which was a bit annoying but I said whatever because two spaces away there was an uncovered spot I could park in the meantime. I parked, and my family and I began the process of getting everything into the apartment.

Once we finished I came out to find the car was gone which I thought ‘Cool they’re gone’ then moved my car into the space. The first few days at the new place were nice just settled in and there were no issues with my car/spot.

On Wednesday morning as I was heading out to campus though I noticed on the windshield of my car a note was left that said ‘This is a reserved spot please do not park here’. I was annoyed but knew there wasn’t much I could do and I was heading out.

So I took the note and snapped a picture to have as proof when I contacted management and left.

The next day I had work and my fieldwork placement for a class which meant wouldn’t be getting home till later around 8:30 pm. When I got home that night I found another car different from the first car parked in my spot again.

I was annoyed since I couldn’t do much once again so I parked in an uncovered spot and wrote a note stating that this wasn’t their spot it was for my apartment; please don’t park here.

The next day I woke up to find the car still there with the note.

I had some errands to do so I thought it would give them some time to see the note realize their mistake and know not to park there anymore.

A few hours go by and I come back to see that the new car was no longer there but the first car from when I first moved in was in its place instead.

Now I’m mad because they clearly got my message and are choosing to ignore it. So I texted the manager about it again letting him know everything that had happened from the last couple of days and asking whether or not they had given my spot to someone else.

I ended up telling some friends about everything that happened while we were hanging out last night and while most people in the group said I was in the right. One of the girls in the group said that I was a jerk for texting management instead of trying to resolve it first with my neighbors because they may need the spot to get to their apartment easier and now I could be causing an issue for them.

I don’t think I’m the jerk since it’s my reserved spot but her words kind of stuck with me about whether I might be causing an issue for my neighbor. So AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – you pay for the apartment and the allocated parking space that goes with it (assuming it is in your lease agreement).

If so, that spot is yours. If your neighbor requires more convenient parking or additional space, then it’s up to them to sort it out with building management, not make a unilateral decision to take your car park.

Personally, I’d leave a final warning note that if the car is not moved by a certain date, then it will be towed, and follow through on getting it removed if they refuse to do so (email this to building management as well so there is a paper trail).” Pure-Philosopher-175

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – your friend that thinks you should give up your spot so it’s easier for your neighbor to park their second car needs to have their thinking readjusted. Why isn’t she concerned that it’s causing an issue for you? Going to management was the right thing to do.

They are paid to handle these issues. Are you do be expected to go to every neighbor to figure out whose car it is? You left a note – their preferred method of communication – and they doubled down instead of doing the right thing.” MercuryRising92

2 points - Liked by leja2 and lebe

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RisingPhoenix2023 1 month ago
First of all, confirm with management that you haven't mistaken your spot for a different one. Second, if that is your spot, confirm it was not given to someone else. Third, ask management to write a notice on their letterhead. If it continues, then you can ask management if you can have it towed. This will cover your a** before towing or you might be sued. Make sure and take pics or copies of everything.
3 Reply

19. AITJ For Asking My Mom To Stay Away From My Brother At My Graduation Party?

“My brother (25 m) is in no contact with our mother (54 f). He is completely valid in this and I respect his decision. He has been no contact for several years now so this is nothing new to our mother.

I’m (22 f) graduating from college in May.

Due to the global crisis, I never had a ‘real’ graduation. So I want this one to go well. I also go to a small college. No more than 350 students in my year, and no more than 35 in my major. I work on my campus so a lot of people know me and know my face.

When talking about plans for graduation, whether my brother will come or my mother will come has always been a question. My family came together and we decided she could come as long as she didn’t talk to my brother. She can talk to my father, my stepmom, or my grandfather.

Just not my brother. She has also been asked to sit separately so my brother is comfortable.

When he saw her last, at my paternal grandfather’s wake, she made rude comments and in general made him feel uncomfortable. Hence why he really doesn’t want to see her, as she is likely to do this again.

After I brought up not talking to my brother with her she got quite upset. I don’t fault her for that, she is allowed her feelings as everyone is. But then she said I was telling her not to talk to anyone and she wouldn’t discuss things any further.

Ie she wouldn’t discuss how she was feeling. I know it can’t be easy to hear. But if she talks to my brother he will leave, just leave the graduation. And considering my small class size and notability it is both embarrassing and upsetting. I just want to have my family at my graduation.

It feels like such a small ask. Just don’t talk to him. She hasn’t texted me for the past few days since we talked about this. Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ because you acknowledged multiple times throughout your story that you know she won’t respect his boundaries.

I understand you want your family there but you also admit his reasons for No Contact are completely valid so you are disrespecting his no contact by inviting them both. Again, you also brought up that she literally couldn’t control herself at a wake, why would she respect his boundaries for your graduation?

You are also a jerk to yourself because this situation sounds like it will go 100% like you think, meaning she will be rude to him, he will storm out, and you’ll get embarrassed. It might be for the best for your own sake, it may be time to take a side.

This doesn’t mean you can’t have contact but for events, it’s time to have one or the other.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, it’s not fair that your mother is awful but it isn’t fair for your brother to be around someone who will continue to treat him poorly.” Unique-Assumption619

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. HOWEVER, you’re asking for the impossible. As much as you deserve to have all of those you love and who love you with you on this special day, you have to choose between your mom or your brother. Say they manage to respect one another’s bubbles at the ceremony; easy enough to do if Mom sits separately, but what about after?

Usually, folks go out for drinks/dinner/some form of celebration. Who will be excluded from that? Can you -realistically – hope the goodwill will last throughout the night? Given your mom’s prior behavior AT A WAKE (an event I’d personally consider to be more solemn and produce better behavior than other events, no offense to your accomplishment!), that seems unlikely to me.” EmeraldAthenry

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. I’m reading between the lines here so I’m assuming your mom really sucks and has treated your brother horribly (no one goes no contact for no reason). You are fence-sitting which always favors the abusers/bigots rather than the victim.

The fact that she couldn’t behave at a wake is very telling. Just pick one of them to come (but I imagine your mom will make some kind of fuss if she comes regardless of whether your brother is there). And honestly, if someone close and important to me had no contact with a mutual person for good reasons, I would likely not continue a relationship with them either.

I don’t want trashy people in my life.” Hufflepuffknitter80

2 points - Liked by leja2 and lebe

18. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be Adopted By My Stepmom?

“My parents were best friends for many years and were never in a relationship.

But in college, they had a one-night stand and I (16 m) was the result. They didn’t try to make a romantic relationship work but stayed friends and I was always told they loved each other but they weren’t in love with each other and they made a great team of parents for me.

I was 1 when my mom went missing. She had some mental health issues and nobody knows what happened to her. She’s a missing person still 15 years later. Her parents, siblings, and my dad never gave up the search for her and they still hope we’ll find out one day.

I grew up very close to my maternal grandparents, aunts, and uncles. My dad stayed close to them too.

My dad met my stepmom when I was 4 and married her when I was 7, after living together for a year (since I was 6). My stepmom had a son two years older than me, my stepbrother.

He never knew his dad and does not consider my dad to be his dad. I don’t consider my stepmom to be my mom either. But I do love her. My stepmom asked to adopt me three times. Once after the wedding, another time when I was 10, and then when I turned 16.

I said no to the adoption each time.

My stepbrother has taken so much offense on his mom’s behalf for this. He told me his mom has been raising me and treating me as her son for 10 years now and longer really, and I should let her adopt me and I should let her have that level of legal connection with me.

He told me it makes her feel like crap when I reject her in favor of a missing woman I don’t remember and who could have just chosen to leave me behind for all any of us know. He told me I was an ungrateful brat and I act like I’m a petulant 6-year-old and his mom deserves better.

I argued that I could say the same about him being adopted by my dad. He told me he made it clear to my dad from day one that he didn’t want him to be his dad. I asked him why it was different for him and not for me, he said because my dad doesn’t live in anyone’s shadow.

We argued a few times about this but the last time was a few days ago and my stepmom was there and I fired back that my stepbrother doesn’t have the right to pressure me into being adopted by his mom. My stepmom got upset and my stepbrother called me a jerk.

I found out after this that my dad never knew that my stepmom had asked to adopt me. He was also upset that I was being pressured into this. My stepmom said I was rude to my stepbrother. My stepbrother told our half-siblings and they’re upset about the whole thing too.

This has become such a mess and my mom’s family has been insulted in all of this too and I hate it all.

But AITJ for what I said to him?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. So your stepmother along with her son tried to conceal the adoption request from your dad even after 3 rejections?

That’s a big YIKES of overstepping lines right there.

Also, I never understood the mentality of ‘she raised you so you should accept being adopted by her’. She, as a grown adult, CHOSE to enter a relationship with a man who had a kid of his own, of course, that would mean she would also have to raise you by default in any sane circumstances.

That doesn’t mean however that she gets to pressure you into being adopted by her. Your stepbrother is also an immature jerk.” whatTheFox23

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your stepbrother is solely focused on what his mother wants. He’s being hypocritical and is in no way right to pressure you.

However, I find your stepmother’s behavior to be even more problematic. She never should have approached you about adoption without talking to your father. The fact that she has done this on multiple occasions is even worse. Because she has behaved unfairly and inappropriately towards you, her son may be more her victim than her accessory.

She may be deliberately using him as a tool to fight for what she wants. Your stepbrother may now be patterning himself after his mother by trying to rile up and involve your half-siblings in his battle against you.

I’d suggest that you talk to your father about how your stepbrother is causing issues between you and your half-siblings.

See if your father is willing to meet with you and your half-siblings to clarify the situation and try to mend things between you. You can also ask your father to intercede with your stepmother and stepbrother to stop their manipulations, emotional abuse, and blackmail.” Mermaidtoo

2 points - Liked by lebe and anmi

17. AITJ For Not Wanting To Help My Father Now That He's Old And Sick?

“This all started several years back. I (23 M) was always very close to my dad, and have always had his back, even when my brothers and mother despised him I always defended him. I still love my father of course, but the last few years have been very difficult for our relationship.

Honestly, I’ve grown to resent his personality and have grown wiser about the many flaws that he hid from me for most of our relationship. He has an addiction issue and is fiscally irresponsible, spending lots of his money on loose women and other stupid things.

I spent a lot of my late teens working helping to pay bills and bail us out of situations because he simply refused to be responsible with his money

I’m not totally innocent here, I lived in denial of these things for a long time, even though the evidence was very obvious, but once I found out about it I started to throw all my effort into helping him with his addictions and trying to get his spending under control.

My dad makes good money, he works in a lucrative trade (The fact that he was always broke should have been a clue, but hindsight is 20/20) but he just does not spend it wisely.

Two years ago, I loaned my father a few thousand dollars to help him get on his feet, get his car working, find a place to live, and some other small things.

(This wasn’t all at once, but over the course of a few months.) I assumed he would pay me back because he made good money and at the time, I could afford it. I had saved that money for a vacation me and my friends were planning, but I had enough time to build that nest egg back up before the time came.

Well, that didn’t work out. I broke my foot and was unable to do the job I previously did before, and recovery took forever. I told my dad that I needed that money back 6 months in advance. I won’t bore you with the details of how I know this, but instead of paying me back, he spent the next several months blowing his money on paid women, and when the time came, did not pay me a penny back.

I missed the trip, which was likely the last trip my friends and I would all be able to take as a group, as growing up makes it hard. I can’t explain how important this trip was to me, I called my dad and cut him off after a brief argument

Now onto the problem, it’s been about a year now, and my dad is very sick and needs someone to help him out, it would be best if he could stay with one of us. My brothers kind of just seem to expect me to forgive and forget now, but I’ve told them I’m not helping him at all, and they are suddenly acting like I’m overreacting over what they say was ‘just a trip’.

I’m tired of wasting my time helping him when he dug himself into this hole, but he DID raise me, and he did help me find my first job and such, and we spent a lot of time together playing D&D with my friends growing up.

I love him, but I don’t even feel like he’s the same person anymore, do I owe him though, the idea of him rotting away in some homeless shelter also makes me want to cry.”

Another User Comments:

“I don’t think you’ve cut him off because of a trip but rather the fact you’ve had to parent him when he should have been looking after you.

If he hasn’t got the money of George Best he shouldn’t be following his spending philosophy. If your siblings are so keen to have him move in with one of you they are very welcome to pick up the responsibility. Or, you can go all collegiate and set up a shared pot of money to contribute into so you are all helping.

NTJ” Famous_Specialist_44

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You were all victims of his addiction, it just took longer for you to stop helping him. Just because you stuck by your father longer than they did doesn’t make you the automatic default to be the one to go back and help him.

Sounds like your brothers got the best of both worlds – not having to deal with your dad while knowing you were still helping him. Do not sacrifice yourself again. Ask your brothers why they are not willing to forgive or forget when it comes to their dad?

Your brothers can step up to help you with your dad. It’s all of you or no one.” caligirl2421

1 points - Liked by lebe

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DAZY7477 1 month ago
I understand what you're going through. I have family members with addiction and gambling issues.. I drew the line. You're doing great. If you let him back in, you're enabling him..
1 Reply

16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Have A Joint Wedding With My Fiance's Brother?

“I (23 F) and my fiance Zander (25 M) are getting married this September, we’ve been engaged for a year and a half. For the most part wedding planning has been going well – with the exception of his mom, Monica.

For background, Zander has a rather strained relationship with his entire family. His older brother, Brock (29 M), has always been the golden child and still is. Brock and his fiance, Amy (29 F), recently got engaged at the start of this year. Amy has been very vocal about turning 30 and not having kids – so we knew they were going to get married with a quicker turnaround than us, which is no big deal to each their own.

Brock and Amy are Monica’s favorites and she makes no effort to hide it. In family photos, she puts us in the back and she proudly displays Brock and Amy. She makes an effort with Amy to build a relationship, while despite efforts from me – we have no relationship and do not talk unless we are in person.

There are quite a few other things but I want to get into the issue.

Brock and Amy just announced their date for this November. Now here’s where the problem starts.

Earlier this year, Monica said that she didn’t feel included in our wedding planning process.

We have a wedding planner so there just hasn’t been much DIY. She also skipped on coming dress shopping to go to the casino. Plus we still have 6 months to go. So she offered to throw Zander and me a wedding shower. We were hesitant but said yes.

Well now that Amy and Brock have announced their date – she wants it to be a joint wedding shower.

We said no – because this is a celebration for us and our marriage. She then tried to guilt trip us by saying it would cost so much money and time and too much on her plate.

So Zander and I said that we didn’t need to go a shower if it was going to be too much.

Then she got really upset with us for saying that and now she’s saying that we are going to make her look bad because she’s already told people about it.

Zander and I just really want to protect our peace and plus too we are not close with Brock and Amy so that’s another reason. Plus Zanded just wanted to feel like his parents would do something for him and not Brock. So we basically told her that we are not doing a joint shower and if that’s the only option then we will not have one thrown by her.

So AITJ for telling my future mother-in-law that I don’t want a joint wedding shower and we can cancel if that’s the case?”

Another User Comments:

“You go, girl. You two sound very secure in your love with each other – and bravo, you need to be with an FMIL like Monica.

Telling her that you do not want a joint shower or any shower at all was a masterstroke! I believe you truly mean it, too – you understand how people like Monica take a very high price out of everyone they know for what they do.

You will always be better off not engaging with her. You also have my permission just to move ahead and do your thing, wedding-wise, working with your family if you feel like it or leaving them out of it if you would rather. You sound like you have it under control.

Good luck and much happiness to you both!” FerretLover12741

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. That’s a weird concept and something you’re not onboard for. End of story. It would also be extremely weird for some of the guests, as, in theory, your family and friends would be invited too, and have no relationship with your fiance’s brother.

If you need an excuse to shut her up, just casually point out it would be very awkward for your friends and family to also be celebrating a couple they don’t know and put them in an odd spot, as well as your fiance’s brother’s fiancee’s family.

I can guarantee you, she hasn’t thought of this because she wasn’t planning on inviting your side at all. But if she brings it up publicly counter with this cause it’ll sound weird to anyone who hears it

Continue to keep her out of the wedding planning and ignore the noise.

You and your partner don’t have that kind of relationship with her. She’s only worried she’ll look bad because it’s noticeable she’s more involved with one vs the other.” whichwitch9

1 points - Liked by lebe

15. AITJ For Suing My Cousin Over A Property Dispute?

“My great-grandpa split up his property among all his kids when he retired. When he did this it was way outside the city limits.

My grandmother only had one kid. My dad. And I am her only grandchild. My dad gave me the land.

My piece is the biggest. We are also close enough now for city water and power.

Some of the land has been sold to developers.

My uncle subdivided his portion into acreages. He kept one and gave each of his kids a plot.

My cousin has spent ten years building his dream home. It is up the hill from my cabin. I bought an old one-room school house and moved it onto my land.

I love it. I will retire there someday. But it needs work.

My cousin has been bugging me to clear some of my woodlot. It blocks his view of the valley. He chose that lot. I don’t know why he would pick a location with an obstructed view.

My wife and I live and work in the city. We only go out to the cabin a few times a year.

My cousin lives in his home. He and his kids constantly throw parties there. We go if we are out at the cabin.

But mostly we like having the privacy of the woodlot between us.

My cousin didn’t. He chopped down ten of the tallest trees between our properties. All of them were on my side of the fence.

The missing trees were the first thing I saw when I got out there.

I immediately checked my trail cameras. I had a video of him and his sons doing it.

I went over and asked him WHAT?!

He said the trees were diseased and he did me a favor. I told him I wanted to look at the wood.

The trunks were gone and he only had a bunch of the branches.

I called a tree guy from the university to come look at the stumps and he told me the trees were fine and that tree theft is a big deal.

I told my cousin that he had to do something or I would go to the cops.

He said to go ahead. So I did. I also called a lawyer who specializes in tree law. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Each tree was worth $50k.

My cousin has gone crazy since he was served. The cops tracked down the trunks.

They actually used DNA to identify my logs.

The company that bought them agreed to give me the money from the trees and testify against him if I didn’t charge them.

My uncle and my dad came to talk to me. My cousin doesn’t have the money.

He would have to sell his house. And if he gets a criminal conviction it will affect his job.

We came to an agreement. My uncle gave me one of his undeveloped lots and some money. I dropped the charges against my cousin.

My family is divided. On the one hand, he stole my property.

On the other, I took money from my uncle in return for not making my cousin homeless.

We planted new trees but they will take a long time to make up for the old ones.

My cousins are furious that I took money that was part of their inheritance but they are madder at their dumb brother than they are at me.

My dad said that I shouldn’t have involved the law in a family dispute.”

Another User Comments:

“Your cousin committed an act against you. It’s his actions that caused all of this – not yours. Was Dad willing to pay for the cost of the trees, if not, then he has no say in it.

You were the victim, not him. I think your cousin seems to have gotten away with it – his father and others paid for his arrogance and entitlement.

It’s a shame when family doesn’t allow the consequences to happen to protect their ‘precious entitled offspring’ as they don’t learn from their actions if they are not punished for them.

Some of the biggest crimes against people are done by their family – their relatives. So yes, you do involve the law – it’s the only way they learn their lesson. NTJ on your behalf.” TanKris67

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your cousin is the cause of the problems, not you so tell your family to direct any anger at him for this mess.

It’s not just trimming a few branches instead he got what he wanted and made a load of money out of it too.

Personally, I would have said I wanted his plot as compensation. He can have another one of your uncles as long as it doesn’t share a border with yours.

Your cousin hasn’t suffered any consequences for his crime as he hasn’t been charged, hasn’t given anything up and your uncle has bailed him out.” sjw_7

1 points - Liked by lebe

14. AITJ For Banning My Brother And His Wife From Our House For A While?

“My husband (30s M) and I (30s F) have custody of my 15-year-old nephew, Theo. He came to live with us last year after my brother asked me if he could stay with us for some time.

We agreed but under the condition that we get to be his legal guardians. We did not want to have my brother jerk us around if he couldn’t dedicate to my nephew living with us, even for a few months, but this has been almost a year now.

My brother agreed and so we became legal guardians of my nephew. It was decided it would be for as long as was needed. My nephew was in therapy and still is. My brother and SIL are supposedly in therapy but I have my doubts.

When Theo was 7, my brother and late SIL were expecting a baby girl. Theo asked if his baby sister could be named Summer. His favorite teacher was Miss Summer and my brother and late SIL agreed. Unfortunately, my late SIL lost baby Summer and her own life due to complications.

It was the worst time for the family and my brother was lost, and in that, he didn’t seek any help for himself or for Theo. Two years later he slept with my now SIL and got her pregnant so they decided to get married. They named their daughter Summer.

My brother and SIL said they did it to connect Summer to her late sister and to Theo. But Theo hated that they used the name. My brother and SIL ignored it and told Summer Theo named her.

Almost a year ago Summer was talking about how her brother chose her special name for her because that’s all she heard.

Theo became angry and told her he didn’t name her, he named his real sister, that he never cared about naming her and he hated that she stole Summer’s name and she wasn’t his sister and he wasn’t her brother and apparently it became very close to a breakdown.

Theo released a lot of rage and pain and he refused to interact with any of them which angered my brother and that’s what led to him asking us to take Theo.

With almost a year of therapy behind him Theo has improved a lot.

Most of his anger is gone but some still remain and he still grieves strongly for his mom and little sister. One thing that has become clear is Theo still doesn’t love his half-sister Summer. He does not want her to be his sister. He wishes she was never born.

My husband and I as well as my brother have been involved in therapy at different times. And after my brother heard this during one of the sessions, he went and told SIL and they started coming to my house more to scold Theo. I spoke with the therapist and she agreed they needed to be away for a period of time.

At least until they could refrain from speaking to Theo that way.

My brother and SIL are angry about the rule of them not coming over. They say I’m working against the family and Summer is the one who will be hurt the most by all of this.

I had to tell them I was standing firm. But my parents think I should work out an alternative solution with the therapist too. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your brother broke one of the cardinal rules of therapy: therapy is supposed to be a safe space.

It only works if the people in it feel safe to say whatever they need to. Instead, your brother broke Theo’s trust to tell someone else what he said in therapy who used it to punish him. This is going to set back any therapy for a long time because Theo will not feel that he can say what he needs to say in session because he cannot trust his father.

You are following the therapist’s advice and, as Theo’s legal guardian, this is your right and responsibility. And I think this is right – especially after your brother’s betrayal of his son. This is going to be a long time healing if it ever does.” bamf1701

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I would strongly suggest that if Theo’s dad wants access to him – it only comes AFTER the Dad and the new SIL get FAMILY THERAPY – because they haven’t done their part to FIX themselves and address their own damaging behavior.

Protect Theo. He’s been through enough trauma, and worked hard to overcome it; so why would anyone subject him to the very people that are STILL primed to re-traumatize him? Your job is NOT to fix ‘their family’, your job is to help Theo. If your brother wants to fix his family – he needs to start with fixing HIMSELF, because that’s how his family became damaged in the first place.

None of this is Theo’s fault; he was a child, and it was his parents who were responsible for this damage.” TrainingDearest

1 points - Liked by lebe

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paganchick 2 months ago
NTJ "the damage its causing Summer" what about the past, present, and future damage brother and SIL are causing Theo? Obviously they don't care at all about that
2 Reply

13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Have My Daughter's Ears Pierced?

“My daughter is turning 5 later this month. We have a trip coming up, so we decided to have her birthday party last Saturday instead.

When we got home after the party, we helped our daughter open her gifts. The only ones she didn’t open were the ones we realized were jewelry or clothing (she doesn’t care about those, only the toys), which me and my husband opened without her.

Those were gifted mostly by family members. The jewelry department mainly consisted of necklaces and bracelets. The sole exception was a pair of earrings, gifted by my father and his wife.

My daughter’s ears aren’t pierced. We didn’t pierce them when she was born, nor do we intend to do so anytime soon.

We want to let her decide whether she wants to, and she’s never expressed any interest.

So my husband and I already knew we’d be exchanging the earrings. Usually, we don’t tell people we’re exchanging a gift they bought for us. This time is different.

My stepmother has been pestering me about piercing my daughter’s ears since she was born. There’s always a different reason why. First, it was because ‘people wouldn’t know she was a girl if we didn’t’, then it turned into ‘she’ll get jealous of her friends’, and so on.

But she always makes the point that girls need to have their ears pierced.

She brings it up almost every time we see her. My father usually doesn’t comment on it but has backed her up a few times. Also, my stepmother never complained about my older son’s appearance, so I know this is rooted in sexism.

When my father called us the next day to ask what we thought of the earrings, I told him they looked nice. My stepmother joined in and asked, ‘So you’re getting her ears pierced?’ I tried to dodge the question, but she later asked it again.

So I told them no. I looked at the store’s website and found a matching necklace, which we’ll exchange the earrings for. There’s a price difference, but I’ll cover it.

Well, they weren’t happy. Apparently, my stepmother started crying. My father told me off for thinking about exchanging a ‘thoughtful gift’ he bought for his granddaughter, and said it was wrong of me to dismiss my stepmother’s opinion like that.

In return, I told them I couldn’t take her insistence anymore, and that she needed to stop obsessing over my daughter’s ears. It escalated into a fight.

My husband, while 100% on my side otherwise, thinks I didn’t need to tell them.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s ridiculous they tried to manipulate their bizarre desire to pierce your daughter’s ears by gifting you this. They knew what they were trying, and didn’t like being called out on it. It’s not their kid, so they don’t get to decide anything about parenting it.

Get your stepmother a gift she can’t use and see how she likes it. Tell her you think she needs to take up scuba diving, and get her a dive mask. All gifts going forward are things she can’t use, and when she questions it you can tell her that it’s a thoughtful gift and you’ve decided she needs to get into scuba diving.” BulbasaurRanch

Another User Comments:

“You’re not the jerk for wanting to exchange the gift for something your daughter will actually use. It’s important to choose gifts that align with the recipient’s interests and situation. Although it might have been easier not to mention the exchange to avoid conflict, your stepmother’s persistent pressure about ear piercing crosses boundaries.

It’s crucial to stand firm on your parenting choices and seek respectful understanding from family members.” lalalisaaaaaaaaaaaaa

1 points - Liked by lebe

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RisingPhoenix2023 1 month ago
As pushy as your step-mom is on this subject, you might want to consider not letting your daughter have alone time with them or she might pierce her ears behind your back.
2 Reply
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12. AITJ For Not Allowing My Daughter To Come With Her Dad And Stepmom To A Pre-Natal Check-Up?

“I (32 F) have been split from my daughter’ (8 F) dad (31 M) for over 7 years. We split when she was almost a year old, and have finally become amicable with one another about co-parenting.

A month or so ago, his fiancé (21 F) announced she was pregnant. My daughter was thrilled to have a new sibling on the way, as I have made the decision to not have anymore. Our custody arrangement is currently every other weekend, but for the most part, if he asks to take her for something, I have no problem with that.

It is not often reciprocated, but that’s a whole other topic for another time.

Now on to the issue… her step-mom’s first baby appointment is next week. Her dad asked if he could pull our daughter from school to take her with him so she could ‘see what the process is like.’ I said no, I didn’t think it was appropriate, and that if he wanted to take her to the gender appointment, that was fine, but with this being the initial one, and them just checking to see how far along, how mom and baby are doing, etc, I didn’t feel that was something she needed to miss school for.

He then told me I was being controlling and a jealous jerk because I’m not having any more, and I’m keeping our daughter from seeing the miracle of life happen, along with the process of how pregnancy works. He then went on to say he wanted her to come to every appointment, not just the initial one, and that it’s his daughter too, and he gets a say on what she is exposed to as well.

I again voiced that I understand where he is coming from, but she is also 8 years old and doesn’t need to be at every single appointment, and again, if she wanted to go to the gender ultrasound, that was completely fine with me. She still has school and doesn’t need to be missing it for these appointments.

She has been beginning to ask questions about intimacy and where babies come from, which I’ve done my best to answer honestly, but with 8-year-old answers given, she knows about periods and that there are different anatomies that when put together create life. However, I just don’t feel she needs to miss school to attend her stepmom’s doctor appointments.

My friends are torn – some say I should just let her go and not be holding her as a pawn. Others side with me and think it’s a little strange, and that she doesn’t need to be at every single one, even the initial one.

So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. There are a lot of appointments for pregnant women and while it might be cool for her to follow the process, it’s not appropriate for her to miss school that much for it. Dad and Stepmom can keep her updated on the progress and what the doctor says, but she doesn’t need to be at the appointment.

Not to mention if she’s there and it turns out there is something wrong with the pregnancy. She doesn’t need to find that out first hand and they don’t need to worry about making sure she understands what the doctor is saying if there is a problem.

You say you’re usually accommodating when they want to take her somewhere on your time. If that’s true, I don’t think you’re ‘using her as a pawn’ at all. I think you’re doing just fine.” MoonChild1898

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Yes your daughter is getting older and she’s experiencing a life change, but she’s 8 for crying out loud and quite literally if she shows up to EVERY appointment then I can guarantee you that by the 12th week scan, the office staff is gonna be over it.

An 8-year-old is still too young to understand the entire situation at an OB appointment and she’s gonna be bored for most of them. Your ex should be focusing on his pregnant partner and not have to make sure to watch his kiddo at the same time.

Especially if it’s not absolutely necessary that she be there (i.e. nobody to watch her or no school). The gender scan is perfectly reasonable and developmentally appropriate for her age.” Sudden-Car3033

1 points - Liked by lebe

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MadameZ 2 months ago
NTJ. As others have said, what if there is something wrong with the pregnancy? Does an 8 year old really need to hear first hand that her step mother has a dead baby inside her, or one that is going to die?
Also, what does your daughter actually think about it? Has anyone asked her? This might be stepmother's way of pushing the 8 year old to accept a new sibling (and be a free babysitter).
1 Reply

11. AITJ For Not Telling The Sellers That The Car They Sold To Me Could Be Fixed At A Low Cost?

“I (18, female-to-male, at the time) bought a 2003 Ford F-150 with 180k miles on it in 2022.

I bought it from someone who graduated high school with me. I knew his name, Rob (18 M), and nothing else before I heard about him selling the truck. I talked to him, and it turned out he and his dad were selling it for $5k.

Now, the truck has a lot of after-market fancy stuff in it so it was worth a lot more than $5k, but I was told it was having problems. They were pretty vague about the problems but told me it was electrical and they were quoted $10k to replace every electric component to try and fix the truck.

Now, I was originally raised by someone who would do his own work on his trucks before ending up in foster care, so I did some looking at the truck and online and figured out that the problem most likely was not as expensive as they thought.

I did not tell the people I was buying it from this and bought the truck for $5k and said I’d do the work myself over time.

At the time I only had 8k given to me by the foster agency to spend on a vehicle to get around.

I used some of the leftover money to replace the windshield for $400, fixing the problem completely by fixing the leak in the windshield onto the fuze box. I then kept driving this truck, also replacing other things that broke from wear and tear over the two years I have been driving it to keep it running.

I recently ran into the guy I bought it from (both of us are now 20). He asked how the truck had been and I told him about the cheap fix to the ‘expensive’ problem thinking he would find it funny like I did. Instead, he got mad and said I scammed him.

He and his dad are claiming I should have given them more than $5k for the truck if I knew that it could have been fixed for so cheap.

I don’t think I’m in the wrong because replacing the windshield was a complete stab in the dark to hope it fixed it.

I was fully prepared to spend 10k or more over time to fix my truck. I told the previous owners that, but they are insisting I should now pay them a few thousand to be fair because the truck was worth more than 5k at the time I bought it.

I don’t have that kind of money, but everyone I talk about this to does think that I should at least have paid them something once I got the fix done. So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You took a gamble on a used vehicle that you knew had issues.

You had a hunch it may have been fixable for cheaper, but equally you could have found out that their $10k estimate was optimistic and have spent far more over the next few years on repairs and maintenance… If the issue had turned out to be a more expensive fix, do you think they would have given you back some of the money you paid to cover the difference?

So no, they didn’t want to take a gamble on the effort/repair cost, you did, and in this case, you were the winner.

You are a bit of a jerk for essentially rubbing it in their face though – good etiquette would be to keep quiet, as most people don’t really see it as particularly funny to be told how much money they have lost to you.

So accept the win, but don’t go shouting about it to everyone.” Nrysis

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Sold as seen. You had no idea it was the windshield causing the problem. You took the risk and it paid off. If they had done their due diligence properly and taken it to someone who actually knew what they were doing then it would be fixed and they could have sold it for more.

This is entirely on them. Do not give them anything. You owe them nothing. Personally, I wouldn’t have told them at all and kept the secret of your bargain to yourself.” sjw_7

1 points - Liked by lebe

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MadameZ 2 months ago
Soft YTJ for telling them. All you've done by letting them know they are mugs is annoy them and make yourself a target for tiresome behaviour. Other than that, though, you did nothing wrong - you even mentioned when doing the deal that you thought it might be an easier fix.
1 Reply

10. AITJ For Warning My Classmate About Her Significant Other's Homophobia?

“My (17 f) classmate (17 m, I will call him Y) used to be a friend of mine in our first year of high school and stopped being friends because he was homophobic and misogynist.

About half a year ago Y started going out with one of my school friends (we talk at school but we’re not really that close) who I know is bi and I also know that she has a lot of self-confidence and she knows what she’s worth, so I thought that he changed in the 2+ years we haven’t talked in.

But two months ago, Y moved to AP math, which I take as well so we were in the same class for math, which is 12 periods a week. People get bored fast and the teacher doesn’t care what we do so most of the time we’re either on our phones or talking to each other.

It’s a small class, if someone talks everyone can hear it. In those 2 months, I’ve heard Y being homophobic and misogynist so many times I’m surprised no one in that class has said anything yet.

A week ago I heard him talking about how he ‘straightened’ her out and showed her that liking her own gender is a sin.

I was shocked and went to talk to my friend after that class, I told her what he said and asked her what he meant by that and she didn’t have any clue either.

She was obviously very mad and broke up with him.

From what she told me she had made it a point to be very affectionate with her female friends around him since then.

I don’t know how but Y found out that I was the one who told her what he said and he yelled at me before class.

My school is not very small but people are nosey and opinionated so everyone has been sharing their opinion with me, loudly. They’re generally on my side but there are a few people, and friends of mine who told me that I’m the jerk because he was just ‘joking’.

I don’t think he was but I’m starting to think I’m wrong.

I need someone who has never even looked at him to tell me if the jerk here?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. From the scenario you’ve described, it’s evident that Y’s behavior was not simply ‘joking.’ He made derogatory and harmful remarks about LGBTQ+ individuals and displayed misogynistic attitudes, which is not acceptable behavior.

Additionally, his comment about ‘straightening out’ your friend indicates a troubling mindset that seeks to impose his beliefs onto others in a harmful manner.

You did the right thing by informing your friend about what Y said, especially considering the potential harm his beliefs could have caused her.

It’s commendable that you stood up for your friend’s well-being and integrity.

As for Y’s reaction towards you, yelling at you was not an appropriate response. It’s understandable that he may have been upset about the consequences of his actions being exposed, but taking it out on you was uncalled for.

Regarding the opinions of others, it’s important to remember that standing up against bigotry and harmful behavior is not being a jerk. It’s about promoting respect, tolerance, and understanding in your community. Those who are suggesting otherwise may not fully understand the gravity of the situation or the impact of Y’s words and actions.

In conclusion, you are not the jerk in this situation. You acted with integrity and courage in standing up against harmful behavior, and you should continue to prioritize the well-being and dignity of yourself and others.” muonSec

Another User Comments:

“No, you’re not the ‘jerk’ for sharing what you heard, especially in a situation where those comments directly impact someone’s well-being and self-esteem.

Communication is key in any relationship, and you provided important information that allowed your friend to make an informed decision about her relationship. The fact that Y’s comments were hurtful and discriminatory is the main issue here, not the act of sharing that information. It’s important to stand up against homophobia and misogyny, and silence often allows such attitudes to persist unchallenged. Your actions supported a friend and upheld principles of respect and equality.” Boring-Scene-9509

1 points - Liked by lebe

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MadameZ 2 months ago
NTJ. She might have found out in due course that he's an idiot who means her harm withut your input, but the sooner the better, so she can bin him and move on
1 Reply

9. AITJ For Refusing To Give My Older Daughter A Bigger Share Of My Estate?

“I (45 m) have two daughters, ‘Sarah’ (23 f) and ‘Chantel’ (16 f) with my first and second wives respectively. My first wife was someone who I met in middle school, had been in a relationship with on/off and through high school, and married after college. During this time Sarah’s mom swore up and down that I was her only man and I believed her because of how strict and religious our respective families were as she was my one and only as well.

I thought Sarah’s mom would be my forever but I was wrong as it came out that Sarah’s mom had an affair multiple times with at least two men. I only discovered this because one of the men that Sarah’s mom had an affair with had a wife who very publicly confronted her with video proof and the second man confessed (he had evidence too) as a way to get back at my first wife.

The guy that she had an affair with was an old sweetheart she had in college and was possibly Sarah’s father. I was devastated, had a huge mental breakdown, and had to be hospitalized. After I was out I tried to forgive and tried to move on but every little misstep sent me off and it wasn’t healthy.

It wasn’t an easy decision but I decided to divorce and Sarah’s mom did not make it easy and kept using Sarah as a way to keep the marriage intact as she was proven to indeed be my daughter.

It wasn’t until my ‘Aunt Pearl’ said something to Sarah’s grandparents that they convinced her mom to stop being difficult.

The divorce was finalized, we worked out a custody arrangement, and I felt so relieved. I eventually met Chantel’s mom and married her shortly after our daughter was born. Uncle’s wife wasn’t happy about it as she frowned on pre-marital intimacy but eventually accepted it.

Unfortunately, Sarah and Chantel don’t have the best relationship because my ex-wife took the news of my second marriage badly which affected Sarah and she also viewed my Chantel as ‘illegitimate’ and constantly accused her of not being my daughter as she didn’t look like me.

Chantel is biracial.

Fast forward to now, my aunt has passed away and left Chantel a sizable trust, but only gave Sarah $1k as she found the idea of Sarah giving any money that she inherited from her to my ex as unacceptable. I had no idea about this until the reading of the will but now Sarah, her mom, and maternal want me to only leave Chantel $1k and give her everything to make up for it, but I don’t want to.

Sarah and Chantel are BOTH my children and should inherit from me equally. I do feel bad for Sarah but have no control over what my aunt did. AITJ if I DON’T do what Sarah wants?”

Another User Comments:


1. You had zero control of your aunt’s wishes.

None. If she decided to give it all to a charity, there would be no discussion. (side note/public service announcement to those leaving inheritance/gifting – consider the impact on those living – they have to deal with the consequences for their entire lives)

2. It’s WAAAAAAY too early to be carving out your estate. Use your own aunt as an example. Kids do messed-up things when they are young, some come back, and some don’t. Who’s to say you don’t have to make that difficult choice yourself down the road?

What if you remarry and have more children, what about them? Now throw in a toxic ex? Nope.

Give it time. A lot of time. You can always amend a trust, but if you get hit by a bus before you do, you cause massive problems. Keep it even IF you wish to do so.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ – you want to treat your two children equally, which is how it should be. Sarah’s mom however has been the underlying factor in all the decisions that caused problems in Sarah’s life. Sarah would have gotten all your inheritance if her mom wasn’t a flirt, she would have gotten more from your aunt if her mom wasn’t a greedy jerk.

Unfortunately for Sarah, you do not have to compensate her for the destruction wrought by her mother. All you can do is treat her equally with her sister in your own behavior and life. Sarah seems to falling a little too close to the greedy, entitled mom tree.” Tired_Mama3018

1 points - Liked by lebe

8. AITJ For Thinking My Brother Is Mistreating His Wife?

“My (31 M) brother Tom (35 M) has been married to Janet for 3 years, and they were in a relationship for 7 years before. She’s a stay-at-home mom who takes care of most of the cleaning and cooking, and he’s a host on a local early morning radio show.

It’s a cool job, but the money isn’t consistent because it’s contract work.

About six months ago, Janet was really worried about money and started looking for a job, but she’s been out of the labor market for a long time and couldn’t find anything.

She picked up some shifts at the grocery store in our neighborhood, and Tom was livid. He called me and said she was undermining his status as the breadwinner and that it was a garbage job. He was pretty insulted that she had been looking for work at all.

She quit pretty shortly afterward. I’ve noticed that she’s not eating as much as she used to, and she’s always really worried about money.

Fast forward to this morning: Tom and I were helping our dad move into a smaller apartment (our mom passed last summer and we’re all still really raw about it).

He was ranting about how Janet was a money sink and she hadn’t had a job in years and told me that he’s been threatening to divorce her if she didn’t find work before the summer. He said that it’s unfair that he might have to take a job he doesn’t want to pay their bills, and that she has to work too.

I told him I didn’t think he was being fair to her and that she always looked really uncomfortable. Her whole life is about him and their home. She doesn’t have any friends and she lives really far from her family. He said that’s what she wants, and that she’s her own person and could leave him if she doesn’t like it.

I lost my temper and called him abusive, and then a fight exploded. Really quickly, it got personal and we were fighting about each other and not even talking about Janet anymore. He told me it was outrageous and horrible for me to bring this up while we were packing our mom’s old stuff.

He said I was just trying to hurt him because I’ve always been jealous of him. I don’t think that’s true, but I feel like a jerk anyway. AITJ? I do think it’s fair to want your wife to work but this feels different.

Tom has always been an emotional guy and I’m worried about Janet.”

Another User Comments:

“From someone who watched their mother be treated this way by multiple men throughout my childhood, it really hits home. Even though it’s not physical abuse, she must be mentally exhausted. Imagine this poor woman wants to help the family out because the funds aren’t coming in.

Picture this: She already works her butt off as a housewife, she gets a job to try and help out the family, and her husband is shocked and appalled and feels threatened by her so she quits to appease him. Then he tells her a couple of months later that if she doesn’t look for work or get a job he’s divorcing her?

Her poor mind must be in such a spiral!

Your brother doesn’t seem to know what he wants, he seems controlling and arrogant! If you have ever seen the show why woman kill this reminds me so much of the Beth Ann season. You’re definitely not the jerk.

He’s trying to manipulate you both.” ButterThaBooty

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – In fact, thank you for sticking up for her. He placed her directly into a position where she’d never be good enough in his eyes.  He’s likely always going to do that with women.  He wants to be better than them and if he has to break them down a bit before he can feel superior I don’t doubt he would.

Also, what is it you are supposed to be jealous of here? A man who clearly didn’t want his wife working and has a job that’s inconsistent so there’s not always enough money. He can’t have it both ways. He didn’t want her to work because she was undermining his breadwinner status but now rather than get a different job so he can keep that status he’s choosing to badger his wife into working again.

I hope she doesn’t make so much money that he gets mad again.

In all seriousness, it sounds like your brother needs to be single for a while if they break up. ” Buttercup_Bride

1 points - Liked by lebe

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MadameZ 2 months ago
NTJ, please make sure that Janet knows she can come to you. Inadequate men like your brother frequently escalate to hitting their partners when their egos are threatened and your brother is definitely on course to do this.
1 Reply

7. AITJ For Refusing To Babyproof My Area In The House?

“My parents live in the in-law suite of my house. They pay rent to help me cover the mortgage but the house is completely mine.

Their rent is $600 a month. That includes all utilities including internet and streaming services.

My older sister is pregnant again, yay, and she needs a place to stay as her baby daddy bailed out and moved back to Romania without her. My parents agreed to let her stay with them.

They did not ask me but, like I said, they pay rent and can do as they wish with their living area.

My parents have a full run of my house except for my bedroom and my office. My dad likes to putter in the garage and play with my dog.

My mom likes to bake in my kitchen and work in the garden. The basement has a kitchen but it is small and mine is just better all around.

Nope, they want me to babyproof my levels of the house. I asked why I would need to do this as the kids would 100% NOT be in my area.

My mom said that it would not be fair to keep the kids cooped up in the basement all day. I said that there was a huge yard and sunroom for them to spend time in if they really wanted. My sister said that she couldn’t spend all her time cramped up like that with three kids.

I asked when she found out she was having twins. She shut up. I dragged it out of them that she was planning on watching her friend’s toddler for money. I said I did not have insurance for her to run a business out of my house.

She said it was all under the table and that she needed money.

This was when I said that I would be taking the keys to my area back from my parents and I was also going to change the locks. I said that I agreed to let my parents live with me to help them out.

They agreed to let her move in because she is an irresponsible wench who can’t understand birth control. I never agreed to let her use my house as a day home. I know I do not want three kids here along with four adults. Well, three adults and a pregnant dummy.

(I thought this but did not say it)

My mom is mad that I am going to lock them out of my area but my dad understands. The thing is I would let him keep a key but my mom would get it from him and she would give it to my sister.

I said I would leave the garage lock the same and that was good enough for him.

My mom and my sister are upset and giving me the silent treatment. My mom got my dad to ask me if they paid for the insurance if my sister could watch her friend’s kid.

I agreed but I did say that they should get my sister to pay it.”

Another User Comments:

“Don’t do it! Who will be cleaning up after the kids, what are you going to do when 1 kid becomes 2, then 3? Who will be refilling your pantry when all the snacks, the milk, the juice, etc, vanish because the kids need to eat something?

Who will be repairing the damage that kids kind of just do? What happens when your sister says ‘Oh I just need to run an errand’ and you become the default childcare for several hours? How exactly do you expect to get her out of your house once she has established tenancy?

I assume you don’t have a signed lease agreement with your sister? Again, don’t do it. NTJ” ResoluteMuse

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – have you considered yet that yes it’s your parents’ space but adding your sister plus at least 2 children means those utility bills are going right up.

It was crappy for your parents to put you in this position. I would aim to have a discussion with them and your sister about how long they expect this arrangement to go on for. What planning are they doing for your sister’s next steps?

I’m going to guess zero. That your sister is planning to make your house her place of work also suggests to me that she has no intention of this being a short-term or temporary arrangement. Moving in and banking on your caring too much about her situation and child to make her leave.

You need to take back control of this situation and set some ground rules. I don’t envy you. Good luck.” Psychological-Fox97

1 points - Liked by lebe

6. AITJ For Being Honest About Being An Atheist?

“I was hanging out at the front desk with my work bestie and my boss. We were talking about how you talk to children about certain things, and religion came up.

I told them both how it was unfortunate that my stepdaughter decided to ask me about religion since I’m an atheist. The story was just about how she asked me if she was religious, and I said you’re allowed to have whatever religion you want, and you can believe anything you choose to.

I added as a side note that this was hard for me as I’m an atheist.

Well, our receptionist (whose desk is attached to my work bestie’s) is very, VERY Christian. I mean, good for her! And whenever she’s brought it up, I’ve always been very respectful.

I did a post for everyone in the office on their favorite song, and she was stressing about how her favorite song was a religious one. I told her if it was her favorite song, that’s the one she should say! She waffled and ended up giving me a different one.

During this conversation, the receptionist butted in and said ‘If a child asks me that I’ll tell her the TRUTH! Jesus is the way, the truth, and the light!’ I just nodded and smiled. But she seemed super bothered.

Now, a day after this conversation about religion, she is icing me out.

She’s very cold, I’ve asked her how her day is going and she says ‘FINE.’ Woof, ok. But here’s the bigger issue.

We share a bathroom with others in our office building, and when I went to use the restroom yesterday I noticed it smelled like someone had smoked in there – which is weird since we have easy access to the outdoors, and the weather had been nice.

I didn’t give it another thought. UNTIL.

One of our bosses (the same one whom we were talking with) said something about how it smelled like smoke in the lobby. I didn’t think anything of it until I heard the receptionist say ‘Well, OP smokes.’

I USED to smoke. In fact, I spoke at length with this same receptionist about it and how hard it was to quit because she smoked too. Now I just vape.

I decided not to get involved, but my work bestie was like ‘OP doesn’t smoke.’ (Thank god for her.) The conversation went on and the receptionist said AGAIN ‘Well, OP smokes,’ to which my work bestie said again ‘NO SHE DOESN’T.’

Should I have not said anything about being an atheist? That’s the only thing I can think about why this woman suddenly doesn’t like me. Help?”

Another User Comments:

“I’m agnostic but it’s insane how conservative Christians operate as if everyone holds their views and beliefs, and will loudly and insistently talk about them with no regard to whether everyone in the conversation agrees.

And everyone else just does what you do, smiles and nods, and remains neutral because they don’t want to deal with the screaming banshee persona that emerges if they realize you don’t. That’s what happens when you’ve convinced a group of very dumb people that what the rest of us call ‘thoughts’ are actually a sky daddy giving them TRUTH so nothing they think or do can EVER be wrong.

NTJ.” lil-kitten-nuggets

Another User Comments:

“Absolutely NTJ. You weren’t nasty about your choice. You didn’t try to talk your colleague out of her Christianity and you didn’t belittle her. To be honest, I can’t understand why your choice to not follow any religion would upset anyone.

If your co-worker was devoted to her faith, I’d have expected her to try to convince you to join her at service or pray with her. Remember this: Christians are counseled to always treat people with love and courtesy. Her rudeness, by her faith’s guidelines, is wrong.

If you want to be snarky (and I would definitely be), you can remind her that her behavior isn’t Christian.” Specialist-Poetry70

1 points - Liked by lebe

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sctravelgma 1 month ago
Sgecis definitely out to get you in trouble at work. Document any and every conversation including the one that startejd this. Avoid discussing anything euth her sgd when added questions give simple yes io no but don't elaborate. Document every interaction and stunt such as smoking B.S. I would give HR a heads up. Explain precisely what was said in tte conversation and tell who was present. Explain that since that time this parson has been extremely icy to you and then tell them about the smoking incidents and hoe in neither case were you involved byt you now feel uncomfortable around that person and it is affecting your work because it is like waiting for the other shoe to drop. If you don't do this first she may go to HR and spin all kinds of tales.
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5. AITJ For Letting My Wife's Friend Quit?

“I (35 M) worked with my wife’s close friend Sara (29 F) who she has known since college. They were sorority sisters and my wife was her big and Sara was the little or something along those lines.

Sara and I were in the same industry and she eventually applied for a position at the same company I currently worked at. She got the job almost 3 years ago and we have been at the same midwestern office. She was a part of my team but I dealt very little with her directly and wasn’t her direct report.

Sara had done very well and was promoted within 6 months to a good position. She seemed to be on a fast track but recently stumbled in her latest interview for a sought-after position. We gave the position to a more deserving candidate in my eyes.

As we sometimes see Sara was upset and it was the start of her leaving the company. I could sense she was applying elsewhere and did put in a 2-week notice, offered to stay on 1 month in line with her project’s deadline, which we accepted. We wanted to keep Sara but I could not give her a raise because she was already at the top of her pay scale.

Her job offer was actually lower pay so there was no leverage there either. I told her this within a few days and Sara was pretty upset. She decided to leave immediately.

Here is where the issue comes up. Sara was aggressive with her 401k and the company stock options by my recommendation.

We have a 10% 401k match (very generous) and stock buying options (match stock purchases – basically a 2 for the price of 1 deal). She would tell me later she maxed out the 401k and stock options every year. The problem is my company has a 3-year vesting schedule before the matching is permanent.

So if an employee leaves before both 401k and stock matching are gone. Sara’s 3-year anniversary was within the 1-month notice date but not when she abruptly quit.

It is something I realized between Sara’s notice and her quitting. I wasn’t able to advise her of this nor did I know how much she put into this program.

There was really nothing I could do when she abruptly quit.

It was about 2 months later Sara came over with my wife and laid into me. She tried transferring her funds and found out about the vesting period and asked if I knew. She revealed the amount she would be losing during the transfer of funds and it was greater than $50k.

Both Sara and my wife have said I’m a jerk for not warning her. I told her the situation and how I did not consider her quitting immediately (in front of others too).

So AITJ for not warning Sara that she was just short of the 3-year vesting period that would’ve saved for $50k?”

Another User Comments:

“So she was a good employee, got promoted, and was fast-tracked to move up in the company, she had one not-so-great interview and thus didn’t get that specific promotion. She put in her 2-week notice that was actually a 1-month notice shortly after she did not get the promotion, then she abruptly quit on the spot when she didn’t get a raise.

And now because of her abrupt and not thought-out actions, she is out a bunch of the money in the 401k because she quit before she was fully vested in her 401k. I don’t see how any of this is your fault and you are NTJ.

I think you need to have a discussion with your wife, and lay out the facts like you have done here. Because I think Sara may have lied to your wife and is blaming her abrupt decision to quit on you somehow.” Turtle_ti

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She is reaping what she sowed. Getting passed over for a position we really want sucks, but leaving the company was her choice. Also, it was her choice to abruptly quit, what she did with her benefits package is not your concern, nor is it your job to tell her about the vesting period.

She could have read the fine print, you are not her father. It sounds like she quit in a public way and it was out of your hand at that point.” skhan7263

1 points - Liked by lebe

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Kilzer53 1 month ago
Ntj. She is facing the consequences of her immature, angry knee jerk reaction to not getting what she wanted. Instead of asking herself what she could improve upon for the next time, she the a tantrum. Sounds like the company may be better off without this kind of foolishness and she shot her own self in the foot for not checking into company policy before quitting. Tell ur wife (tactfully) to get out of her emotions and look at the situation rationally.
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4. AITJ For Telling A Woman At The Gym That My Partner Is Mine?

“My partner and I go to the same gym that teaches two different classes.

Earlier today I went half an hour before he started his and then waited for him on the benches.

The gym is open-style, nothing fancy. So you can see everyone at every moment. While I was over on the benches in front of the class I was watching my partner train and enjoying it because I love him so much and he likes training.

Then out of nowhere one of the girls in his class stopped training and saw my partner then at me, my partner again, me again, and decided to approach me. In a very angry voice, she told me what was I doing, so I answered very snippily that I was sitting.

She then started kind of berating me for watching people creepily and without their consent, and that I should apologize and leave the benches.

I was livid at this. One, I wasn’t even watching him continually, sometimes I was on TikTok, and sometimes I was paying attention.

I told her I was not leaving and was not making anyone uncomfortable. I wasn’t even aware of her.

She answered ‘Yes you are’, turned to my partner, and said ‘I’m sorry this girl is casting weird looks at you, (my partner’s name)’.

My partner was not aware of our conversation yet and seemed very surprised. He told her that it was okay and that he, IN FACT, was very pleased that I was watching him. She said that it doesn’t make it moral anyway.

To this point, I was very angry and my partner was a little puzzled because she started saying that he was betraying her because she was his gym wife and that they always train in the same class/hour (what is even that, stupid witch).

My partner got mad right then and told her that she was delusional and that sharing a gym does not even make them acquaintances and to stop annoying me, because the only girl he would plan to marry was me.

This is where I may be the jerk.

I told her to get lost and get her delusions somewhere else because she couldn’t get MY partner just cause she was THERE in the same class as him.

My partner didn’t say anything to me but the coach told me I may have gone just a little overboard so, am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – she’s weird. For a second I thought he was the one who felt ‘uncomfortable’. She sounds like she genuinely needs help, don’t take it to heart. Coach might have been annoyed at the disruption that the situation caused and was trying to take a diplomatic approach, tho he should’ve directed it at her.” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and at first I thought she was trying to protect him the way a woman would do this for another woman, but it seems towards the end that it’s pretty clear she didn’t know he had a significant other and thought you were honing in on her man.

The instructor probably gets paid by the popularity of the class and didn’t want to lose a client, so be gentle with their involvement and keep that in mind going forward.” MrsDarkOverlord

1 points - Liked by lebe

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Kilzer53 1 month ago
Ntj. She was getting jealous that u were paying attention to "her" guy. She was telling u to butt out. The fact that he stood up to her and defended u told her what she needed to know.
1 Reply

3. WIBTJ If I Kick My Sister Out Of My House?

“I (26 f) moved out of my parents’ house in December with my son (2) and my sister (21) moved out with me.

Our parents (50s) are a bit old-fashioned in their beliefs and make life a bit uncomfortable for example, curfew is 6 pm for both of us, we’re supposed to do all the chores and our dad doesn’t even know where the pots are, they’re uncomfortable around gay people but not outwardly phobic, they don’t believe women should earn more than men, we’re not ‘allowed’ to be tired and should jump each time they instruct us to do something, just things like that.

The context is important.

Anyway, my sister moved out with me because she was also tired of living with our parents and I agreed to let her stay in my second bedroom indefinitely. Ever since we moved out though, I have found myself getting more and more frustrated with my sister because it feels like I have 2 kids and not just 1.

I have to beg her to do dishes (I cook almost daily) and she has only cleaned once whereas I clean multiple times a week, she doesn’t do laundry and I run multiple loads each week.

I give her a little allowance that allows her to go out with friends and get her hair done, etc. She works as an apprentice and uses her money mostly for herself but will chip in if we’re short on bread, milk, etc and I pay for everything else, including her phone plan.

Today, I had cooked and asked her to dish up for us once we were ready to eat and she said no so I eventually got up and dished up myself. I also did all our laundry and she’s said no to folding and packing it.

About 3 hours ago, I asked her to do the dishes at least and she said she would but she still hasn’t and I can feel my patience wearing very thin.

I’m incredibly tired and still need to get everything ready ahead of the week and I just feel like life would be easier and cheaper if she just moved back home with our parents, even though that would wreck our relationship and possibly impact her mental health.

WIBTJ for asking her to leave?”

Another User Comments:

“YWNBTJ. I’d like to know when your sister’s apprenticeship is scheduled to end. Months? Years? And even when it ends, will she still not be making enough to live on her own, in an apartment? Realistically, does she have any incentive to leave this nice set-up she has with you?

You’re concerned with your sister’s mental health, but yours is sounding pretty shaky right now, too. If you don’t want to feel like she is more like a second child than an adult sibling, stop treating her like a child – no more allowance! And give her responsibilities, including pitching in more money toward home expenses and doing chores like dishes and running laundry.

Whatever you think is fair. And make it non-negotiable. If she doesn’t like your new rules, I guess she can go back home to mom and dad.” Robbes_Watch

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but this is a problem of your own creation. You’re treating her like your child (you even give her an allowance!

She’s a legal adult, for Pete’s sake, who can drink and vote and you’re treating her like she’s 10!) so it’s no wonder she acts like a child.

Stop the allowance immediately. If she wants money, she can earn it herself. That’s what adults do. Set some boundaries.

If she feels your boundaries are too restrictive then she can get her own place because again – that’s what adults do when they don’t like where they’re living. It’s not unreasonable to expect a roommate to help keep the living spaces clean and she needs to know that as an adult, you will not nag her to act like one but if she’s incapable of pitching in, you encourage her to find her own place where she can live how she pleases.” Swimming-Fix-2637

1 points - Liked by lebe

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sctravelgma 1 month ago
YTJ to yourself and it is unfair to your child that you are using resources to take care of your sister who is contributing absolutely nothing to your household. Immediately cease the allowance. Why do you feel the need to enable her acting like a child? If you don't work you don't earn money. If you do not do chores you can no longer live here. If she needs clean clothes or linens for her bed then she gets to do her own laundry; quit doing it for her. Do your laundry for you and yiur child and ignore hers. Sge is an adult so it is time for her to act it. Don't cook for her or buy her snacks or sodas. If sre can't even be bothered to serve a meal you have cooked then she can cook and serve her own food. She can also buy it because dfe can't even wash dishes. I would lay out new rules that effective this week starting on Sunday she will need to buy and prepare her own foid and thst includes buying her own laundry detergent, her own bath wash and toothpaste, shampoo, deodorant, etc. Explain that effective that same day you will no longer be her washer woman snd she will need do her own laundry. If she wants to be an adult sfe needs to be one. Quit doing it all; she is not your child to raise avd in fact she is not a child. Don't know what she gets from her internship on terms of pay but if it is not enough to buy her food and toiletries then tell her she needs to get a part time job to supplement her income. If she doesn't like your new rules or fails to comply tten tell her to pack up her things and get out because you are no longer supporting her. If you allow her to continue as she is doing why do you think she will ever leave? She has it made. She has a roof over her head, a warm bed wuth clean linens., meajs ireosred avd served to her and all she has to do os eat, sbdckey's nit furfe6 free laundry service including folding and packing it away, and besides all of those free services, she gets paid . jerk, wish I could find a gig like that.
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2. AITJ For Snapping At My Brother's Fiancee?

“My (32 F) little brother Owen (28 M) and his fiancée Elly (25 F) are not speaking to me, and are on the verge of un-inviting me from their upcoming wedding in August.

This happened all the way back in December, but Elly still holds a grudge and has brainwashed Owen from talking to me and other members of our family. He has become super distant since their relationship began too.

It was about 9:30 PM on Christmas. My nephews were crying and rambunctious, my mom was getting flustered with the endless cooking, people were getting wasted and being loud, and my husband was extremely intoxicated and getting on my last nerve with his attitude and jealousy.

I just was at my wit’s end.

Elly comes over to our table, with a plate of dessert in her hands. Obviously seeing that I’m flustered. Doesn’t ask me ‘Hey Natalie, I can see you’re stressed. Do you need anything’ as all she did the whole day was cook an appetizer, set a few plates, and take care of my brother who drank too much.

Meanwhile, I was cooking, cleaning, and setting up with my mother since the morning. My brother is always late, and she doesn’t encourage him to speed up or anything.

She eats the dessert that I spent so much time cooking. Doesn’t say ‘Nat, these pastries are amazing!’

So I said ‘Hey. Must be easy being a guest 3 years into knowing our family’. Immediately, my brother comes trying to tell me off. And I explained why I was upset at her for just being unhelpful. Elly rudely said ‘What are you talking about?

I can’t enjoy a holiday’. Then I told her ‘You can enjoy it but at least act like a member’.

She walked away from me, and I just snapped and said ‘You know what? I bet this was a lot better than holidays with your family from what Owen told me.

You should just go back to the trailer park next year and you can lay around whenever’.

She does not actually live in a trailer, if she did, I feel like that would be rude. I just said that because I had a rough night and she rubbed me the wrong way.

I implied that she was trashy just because of her upbringing. She has spent every holiday with us, as her family is a complete mess and she hasn’t spoken to them in years. She is like the third generation, to grow up without a father.

The woman who raised her is living off Social Security and poverty in old age. And just a lot more. I must have hit a sore spot.

My brother had a long conversation with me the next day, I haven’t really spoken to them.

I tried to apologize, but I just don’t know what else I can do to make this right.”

Another User Comments:

“Let me get this straight. Everyone was wasted and acting like jerks. Elly walked into the room and had the audacity not to pay proper homage to you, The Queen, so you attacked her.

What you said was uncalled for, snotty, and incredibly mean. Elly showed a boatload more class than you did by just walking away and not engaging with you. You surely don’t deserve to go to their wedding unless you apologize for being so nasty for no reason.

That means your apology needs to contain no attempts to excuse your behavior or to blame Elly or anyone else. This one is all on you.

Elly did absolutely nothing to you. You need to own up to the fact that you were a jerk to her for absolutely no reason.

Yes. YTJ. A huge one. ” Acrobatic_Ad_6762

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Wow, you were incredibly selfish, expecting her to be a mind reader and know that you were stressed and full of resentment and that she should say all these polite things that you were secretly holding onto in your own mind.

Why was she the one that was supposed to help you and be supportive of you? Why weren’t you holding any other family members – your husband, your brother (the men!) accountable for not helping or showing appreciation?

You lost it and verbally attacked JUST HER, in a room FULL of bad guests.

A wedding is about celebrating with the ones who love and support you – which CLEARLY is not YOU. So yeah, if you’re uninvited to the wedding, it’s for the right reason.” TrainingDearest

-1 points (1 vote(s))

1. AITJ For How I Reacted After My Brother Announced His Engagement?

“So, on Sunday, I (19 f) learned on a Zoom call with my family that my brother ‘Harry’ (22 m) has just gotten engaged to his significant other ‘Jessica’ (20 f). When Harry told us, everyone but me was pretty enthusiastic, but I just kinda sighed and said nothing.

Harry didn’t display any reaction to my admittedly lukewarm reaction, but afterward, my mom called me and told me that I was rude for not being excited. She said that I need to respect all members of the family, including Jessica, and that I need to reconsider my behavior if I want to be invited to our vacation in the spring.

Harry and I were really close growing up. Since he (and then I) started college, we’ve been less close, but he and I still talk every week or two. Harry and Jessica have been together for around 2 years now. Here’s where it gets complicated—I knew Jessica back in high school, and she was not what you would call a kind soul.

She had a particularly nasty streak. She would not pay attention during class and always tried to copy off of people’s homework (and I assume got away with it). She tried (semi-successfully) to steal my man. She bullied one of my best friends, calling her fat among other things.

This bullying worsened (if not caused altogether) her eating disorder, and it’s something I’ve never been able to forgive or forget. She is just one of those people who would just mess around with other people’s lives like it’s a game and not something she is invested in.

About 6 months ago, I had a heart-to-heart with Harry about Jessica. I laid out my concerns and the history of her behavior, hoping it might make him reconsider or at least think deeply about their relationship. He said he’d consider what I said, but didn’t continue the conversation much more.

Since then, we talked regularly as usual, and things seemed normal between us. He didn’t talk about Jessica often, but he didn’t hide their relationship either. I really was happy it sounded like it might be dying off though.

I had no idea he was getting engaged to her until he announced it.

I don’t know if he has been telling other people in the family besides me, or if it was really just an abrupt decision.

To make it worse, I am worried that he told Jessica about our conversation 6 months ago. In her announcement on social media (annoying ring in hand photograph in tow), she wrote something like ‘I know not everyone in our families is supportive, but we have each other and that’s what matters’.

So, he ignored my warning, AND he told her all about it.

Part of me wonders if I should just swallow my feelings for the sake of family harmony, but another part of me feels like I’d be betraying my old friend, my own values, AND my brother by pretending to be happy about this engagement.

And I am bad at holding back my truth.

So, AITJ for feeling upset and possibly wanting to voice my concerns again, even though it might cause friction in my family? Or should I just keep my feelings to myself and let Harry make his own decisions (and mistakes)?

I just feel like there’s nobody who I can talk about this with that will really understand.”

Another User Comments:

“You’re NTJ when it comes to your feelings. You are allowed to be upset and there is nothing disrespectful about not reacting with the same excitement that everyone else felt.

You remained quiet and said nothing rude. So you knew Jessica in high school but how well do you know her now? I completely understand your feelings about your friend and her eating disorder, I was bullied severely in high school and it affects me to this day.

However, most people aren’t defined by who they were in high school, and maybe Jessica has changed since then?

Your brother choosing to marry Jessica doesn’t mean he ignored your concerns/warning. It’s possible he did ignore you but it’s also possible he took your concerns into consideration and he doesn’t see Jessica how you see her.

You have every right to feel upset and apprehensive about the engagement but I doubt voicing your concerns again will change your brother’s decision or result in anything positive.

You don’t have to feel how other people want you to feel and you have already said your piece.

I would let it be. If Jessica is still the kind of person you knew her to be in high school then eventually her true colors will show and your family will experience it for themselves. ” IslaKari

Another User Comments:

“I don’t get good vibes just from your story.

You call openly sighing a lukewarm response. That’s more than lukewarm and borders on openly hostile. Lukewarm would be a polite nod of your head or a mild congratulations. I’m not surprised your mother is calling you out on this. So, your description of current and past events is suspect for me especially considering you haven’t tried in two years to talk to Jessica and expect your brother to inform you he’s proposing, something that prior to being made public isn’t your business.

He listened to your piece and made his own decision. Be polite when you have to be around them and try to get to know her for who she is today beyond what you see on social media.” voidedmuse23

-2 points (2 vote(s))

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Kilzer53 1 month ago
Ntj. You have made ur feelings to Harry known and u have explained the reasons behind those feelings. He is a grown man and has heard you and decided to ignore your feelings. That is his perogative since it is HIS life and not yours. Now what you should do is be civil. No one said u had to like the situation, but as an adult, u need to be an adult and be civil when she's around. Continually pouting about the situation is childish and petty and will only make u seem, well, childish and petty. If she says something to you, then explain to her as u told Harry. If u can't say something to someone's face, u shouldn't say it behind their back. Harry has prioritized his and her relationship over urs and his, and rightly so since they are getting married.
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