People Hope To Get A Clear Conscience From Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

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Have you ever felt the need to get something off your chest? Maybe you've been feeling guilty about the way you treated a friend or you just aren't sure why your significant other has been ignoring your calls. Sometimes the only way to stop that gnawing feeling in your stomach is to come clean – or ask the internet for some advice. These people turned to strangers to get an unbiased opinion in the hopes that they could get a clear conscious. Read on and sound off your judgments in the comments below. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk YTJ = You're the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? EHS = Everyone here sucks

17. AITJ For Refusing To Celebrate Thanksgiving With My Fiance After He Alienated My Kids?

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“So, my fiance has 3 kids from his former marriage whilst I have 2, from my former marriage as well.

I quit my job to start focusing on getting my degree. He’s become the ‘breadwinner’ if you will although I still contribute with my savings! I also do 80% of child care and chores.

Long story short, he wanted me and my kids to attend thanksgiving with his family who is located across the country and we were supposed to go yesterday (ahead of time to get a rental place).

He booked our tickets and everything but later, before the flight, I found out that he, his kids, and myself were put in 1st class whilst my 2 kids (14) & (10) were put in economy.

I was stunned, he acted like it was no big deal and told us it was just a few hours and the kids could ‘just hang in there for a little while.’ I asked how he could think this was acceptable and he got mad and said he’s the one paying for tickets so we go by his rules.

I immediately turned around and took the kids and made my way out of the airport. He started following us screaming at me to go back but I refused and told him that I no longer felt like spending thanksgiving with his folks after this.

My youngest cried because she never flew without me.

He went with his kids. The kids and I are home. He has not stopped calling trying to berate me and even had his mom text that I needed to get over myself and stop teaching my kids to be spoiled and entitled.

She said that the fact that I was ‘willing’ to miss thanksgiving with the family over something so trivial shows my real character and personality and mindset or ‘lack thereof.’ I have not replied but I feel horrible.

AITJ, should I have just let it slide and just gone? In case I wasn’t clear, THE KIDS AND I LEFT OUR FAMILY/HOMETOWN SO WE COULD GO CELEBRATE WITH HIS FAMILY IN HIS HOMETOWN.

My kids weren’t too excited about leaving their grandparents for a week or so.

UPDATE: I’m currently getting myself and the kids packed so that we go stay with my mother. This has happened BEFORE in other instances but I kept thinking to myself ‘this is not right but I have invested too much time and effort in this relationship so maybe this shouldn’t get in the way’..and I’d try to minimize most situations where I find my kids being put last.

Not only that but he tried to give me an ultimatum regarding getting my degree and what was my response? ‘This isn’t right….’ but kept making light of it and letting go.

Now he’s probably badmouthing me to the whole family (and so is his mom, bless her heart). The kids and I are leaving, He’ll be coming back to an empty home…except he’ll find some company with the engagement ring that I took off and left on the nightstand.

Distance and some re-evaluation are needed right now. Thank you to all who reached out with helpful input and perspectives. You’re right, my kids come first and that’s what I keep trying to do and I hope I won’t ever fail.

Thank you so much for the support.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. First strike: wrong for him to segregate your kids downward. Second strike: wrong for him to seat minor children away from a parent without that Parent’s knowledge.

Last strike: that he and his mother have teamed up to attack you. That this guy (or his family) doesn’t even consider any of his actions wrong and is doubling down instead – is a huge Red Flag.

He is not marriage material. His sense of entitlement and control along with his poor communication skills will make for a lot more situations like this as your kids grow and transition into adulthood.

Sorry you got a bad lemon, no lemonade to be made here.” TrainingDearest

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. He clearly showed how he would treat your kids all the time. He spends money on you, himself, and his children but your kids, no.

If possible he would have left them at home I bet. He used the cheapest option possible. Just think about the future: He will buy everyone something expensive and your kids get something cheap ‘because it is his money.’ He doesn’t see them as his family.

And to let them be alone on the flight in another part of the plane that you can’t even have visual contact with? He must be crazy!

Please, don’t marry this man.

He clearly showed you that 1. he holds his money over your head and sees it as power and 2. doesn’t see your children as family.” EvilFinch

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It would be one thing if he sat with his bio kids and got OP a ticket next to their kids.

But he put himself and OP together, and only included his own children to sit with him. I understand that you can’t always get that many seats together, but I think it says something that he believes it’s better for his own kids to sit with their parent but not OP’s kids who are younger.

His actions are showing that OP’s children are the expendable people in their group to him. Not only is that wrong, but imagine how OP’s kids feel. The person they’re trying to get to know and flying to meet his family doesn’t even care if they sit with him or their own mom.

On top of that, I know adults afraid to fly, especially alone. I can’t imagine doing that to a kid, especially unprompted. It’s also a safety concern. Usually, airplane seats are in 3, so they would have to sit next to a stranger.

What if the stranger was creepy or rude? The adults they came with aren’t even in the same class. It’s not like they were just in the aisle across from their mom where they can easily see and talk to her if needed.

He is also ostracising her for not having bought the tickets, even though she contributes to the family and does the childcare which is actually more than he does since he contributes to the family and only contributes to childcare 10-20% of the time.

On top of all of that, OP and her kids were coming as a favor to him because he wanted to see his own family for Thanksgiving. OP and her kids didn’t see their own family on Thanksgiving so they could see his.

And then he treated OP very rudely about the payment of the seats and excluded OP’s kids from their group, which they were obviously not comfortable with. Then afterward he refused to show an ounce of empathy or remorse, even letting his own family harass OP about not seeing the family of someone who just disrespected her and her children.” NefariousnessAway650

4 points (4 votes)
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LoriC 2 weeks ago
You did the right thing in leaving. You and your children are a family and they need to come first. He would never ever allow you to treat his children that way, do not allow him to do that to you and yours
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16. AITJ For Ditching A Girl At The Bar After She Started Hanging Out With Her Friends?

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“I went out with a girl Sunday. Let’s say her name is Mandy. I’ve met Mandy several times through my friend’s partner Sara. Mandy always seemed nice and fun to talk to.

So I asked her to hang out Sunday. I knew she liked football because she’s been by my friend’s house for games several times so I asked her to come with me to watch the game.

We went to a sports bar for dinner. The plan was to watch the game, have some drinks and maybe play pool.

So I picked her up Sunday. We got to the bar and Mandy said that her friend was there sitting at a table with some other people.

She went and said hi, and we sat at the bar and ate. Then she asked if it was cool if we went and sat by them. I didn’t really want to but agreed.

We went over there and she introduced me. That was basically it, from then on I felt like a 3rd wheel. I tried to talk about football with some of the other people but they didn’t watch sports.

I tried starting a conversation about other stuff with one of the guys and it didn’t seem like it was going anywhere. So I sat and watched the game while Mandy talked to her friends.

Time passed and the game was almost over so I told Mandy I was probably going to head out after. She said, ‘oh come on one more drink then we’ll go.’ Ok fine.

Then her friends started buying rounds of shots for each other. Not me (understandable they don’t know me, besides I was driving). I finished my soda and told Mandy I was going to go because I worked in the morning.

She got a confused look and looked at her beer, then the time, and then her friends and said ‘oh, well…. I didn’t finish my drink yet.’ I said, ‘well I’m leaving I can give you a ride home if you want.’ She said, ‘okay let me finish my drink.’ I said ‘ok’ and sat down.

Then she started screwing around with her friends again. Going outside with them, playing darts. Not drinking her drink. I said, ‘Mandy I’m leaving.’ She didn’t acknowledge me or say bye so I left.

Yesterday after work Sara called and yelled at me about leaving Mandy stranded. She said when you drive someone somewhere you take them home too, that she didn’t know I was such a jerk to leave a girl at a bar alone, that Mandy didn’t even know I left til she saw my jacket was gone, and apparently Mandy had to Lyft home and I ‘should reimburse her.’

I explained my side and she said ‘so what? She was having fun? You should have joined in instead of sitting around moping.’

I feel like I really tried to get into the conversation and join the group, but it just wasn’t working.

I didn’t feel like sitting there bored forever. Her friends were there it’s not like she was alone alone.

AITJ for leaving?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Mandy wanted him to leave. Simple as that. Mandy had every opportunity to sit with OP and she chose the option of ‘come hang with my friends while I ignore you’ so she didn’t have to make a decision in telling OP she wasn’t interested.

She was asked several times if she wanted a ride, but she chose to delay OP instead and pay no attention to him. If she went to play darts, she left him in lieu of her friends.

She was asked if she wanted a ride, and she said yes but then left OP alone and didn’t do the thing she said she was delaying i.e. finishing her drink.

OP only hears about it a few days later from a friend btw, not her directly..i.e. it wasn’t worth her time following up with OP himself, but it was worth complaining about for the sake of drama.

If she needed OP’s ride home, she’d have taken OP’s ride home, no drink is worth missing a ride home and safety, if that was her concern. But she wasn’t just ditched, she was with all her friends.

Surely her own friends didn’t ditch her too?” Sirix_8472

Another User Comments:

“NTJ she wasn’t interested and she wasn’t going to give you respect. You are allowed to create your boundaries and you were very fair in stating them when mentioning wanting to leave.

You gave her a chance and she didn’t want to take it. You also did not leave her stranded because she ended up hanging out with a group of friends she approved of.

She stranded you. You kept yourself together. And deserve a woman who will give you the time you plan for.” clovercadet

Another User Comments:

“Sara is quite right to think that when you take someone out, you also take them home.

Sadly, Sara missed the part (probably because Mandy didn’t share it) that Mandy in no way treated the evening as going out with OP.

As Mandy treated OP like a taxi driver, OP had every right to remind his ‘fare’ (several times) that the clock had run its course and he was off.

NTJ, and Mandy needs to learn the difference between actually going out with someone (where she can have genuine expectations of equitable and respectful treatment) and a chance to hang out with her friends whilst using her pseudo-date as a free ride.” The_Blonde1

3 points (3 votes)
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Pryncesslysa 2 weeks ago
She had her friends meet her at that particular bar intentionally so she had an out if she didn't like OP. She didn't, so she ignored him while she had fun with her friends. NTJ.
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15. AITJ For Telling My Wife That She Can't Keep Talking About Her Late Mother At Every Event?

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“My wife lost her mother to cancer 2 years ago. It was horrible and took a toll on everyone, but obviously my wife more than anything. They were very close, pretty much best friends.

We knew it was coming and the illness took over our lives, which is to be expected. I also knew my wife would struggle when she finally did pass so I tried to convince her to go to therapy but she refused.

We have two older children (13 and 6) and this year, she gave birth to our youngest. This is the only grandchild my MIL never got to meet. The whole pregnancy was very bittersweet and my wife kept saying ‘I wish mom was here, I wish mom could meet him, etc.’ Again, to be expected.

But the issue has come up that even before our son was born, every event went back to her mom. At first, I understood but in time, it’s become like we have this cloud hanging over us, preventing us from fully enjoying happy moments.

I’ve tried talking to my wife about it, gently but she gets super defensive and refuses to even talk about therapy.

Our eldest turned 13 over the weekend. She had spoken to her mom privately and said she’d really like for there to be no talk of her grandmother.

She wanted to have a happy celebration and not get sad that her grandmother isn’t there. My wife agreed.

We went out to dinner and everything was fine. Towards the end, we had cake.

My wife said ‘it’s just so sad that grandma can’t be here! She’d be so proud of who (eldest) has turned out to be! I wish she could be here!’

Our eldest got mad.

She blew out her candles but didn’t speak for the rest of the dinner. When we got home, I spoke to my wife privately and said what she did wasn’t fair.

I said she could’ve excused herself if she was that emotional, but she honestly didn’t seem to be. I told her that this can’t continue to happen. She told me that wasn’t fair.

I said what isn’t fair is this rain cloud she forces over us.

She’s been off ever since and won’t really talk to me or our eldest. She says we’re insensitive. AITJ??”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Your wife needs grief counseling.

She’s the jerk – your child just had her entrance into being a teenager made about death by her mother. It’s not about her grandma. It’s not about your wife.

It’s about your kid. And that was denied to her. Your WIFE is being insensitive, not you or your child.

I get it – my dad died just before I got pregnant and it’s so hard that my daughter won’t know him and love him as I did.

But children’s birthdays aren’t about dead people.

My family, at Christmas, Easter, and on the dinners we have on the deceased’s birthdays gives a toast ‘to our boys’ (my dad, brothers, and nephew have all passed away).

And it’s just that – we raise our glasses and say a toast to them at the start, then there’s no more discussion of dead people.

But I wouldn’t ever make my kid’s birthday about the dead.

We wouldn’t toast our dead at a 13 yo’s birthday unless like…the person died the week before. Even then, it would be about what the kid wants. Some people find solace in remembrance.

Others find only pain. Your daughter was 11 when she lost her grandma to a big illness – it’s probably one of her more traumatic memories. She doesn’t want trauma to define her birthday.

NTJ. You defended your child against your wife’s insensitivity.” NobleCorgi

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – part of being a parent is being able to push your things aside for the children when it’s needed.

It sucks she lost her mum, but it’s never going to not hurt.

She needs to realize that everyone knows it’s sad she isn’t there, and they miss her too, but constantly bringing it up will create an element of resentment in the kids that she doesn’t want to create.

My mum started buying me a little present on my birthday and at Christmas from my grandparents when they died as a way to remember them. Something like that is a way to have them there and remember them without it being sad.” Important-Lawyer-350

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

I thought I was going to judge differently, but you’re not being insensitive, dismissing her feelings or grief, or even really trying to shut her down.

You’re trying to make her get help for what has become a serious problem. She is upsetting your children to the point where she is causing them so much stress that they cannot enjoy their own birthdays and happy occasions.

You clearly care about her very much, and just want her to have healthier coping strategies.

I would point this out to her, kindly but VERY FIRMLY: that it has reached a point where she is upsetting your children and causing them distress.

That NO ONE is invalidating her grief, but rather that you want her to have better tools to help her COPE with it, because she clearly isn’t, and it’s not right that her inability to cope with that grief is causing your children serious anxiety.

I think that another commenter was right that if she still refuses to get help at that point, that you make it clear that you and the kids will be seeing a therapist without her, because she is breaking your family with her behavior, and if she won’t get help, you and the children need coping strategies of your own to deal with this.

You are NTJ. I’m sorry that it has reached this point.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU

3 points (3 votes)
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14. AITJ For Calling The Cops On My MIL After She Stole My Earrings?

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“I 28f got married to my husband 34m a week ago. We got engaged about a year ago and when I got engaged my mother gave me a pair of earrings that she said every woman for generations in our family has worn to their weddings.

They are 4.00ct dangling earrings and they are worth a lot. I felt very honored to be given them and it made me feel closer to my grandmother who had died 2 months prior.

About 3 months after that I went wedding dress shopping with my mother, my sister and my fiancé’s mother. I brought all the jewelry that I would be wearing to my wedding to see how they match the dresses.

When I put the jewelry on my mother-in-law kept going on about how gorgeous the earrings were. My mother explained the story and how they were a family heirloom passed down through generations.

I found the dress of my dreams and bought it.

On the day of my wedding, I had everything ready in my room. My wedding dress, my flowers, my shoes, my makeup and my jewelry.

I was in there with my soon-to-be mother-in-law. I then needed to go to the toilet and when I came back my mother-in-law was gone. I wasn’t sure what had happened but I just thought she maybe got called away to do something.

I then noticed my earrings were gone. I knew straight away that she had taken them.

I found her and confronted her and she said she didn’t take them. I asked if I could look through her bag and she said no and gripped onto it.

I said that if she didn’t let me look I would call the police which I then did as she still wouldn’t let me look. The police arrived and searched her and the earrings were found in her bag.

They were returned to me and they asked if I wanted to press charges. I wanted to talk to my fiancé first and he said he would support me if I wanted to.

I didn’t want to decide at that moment so I just ignored it and had a great night.

That was a week ago and ever since then, I’ve been getting loads of threatening messages and calls from my husband’s side of the family.

My mother-in-law has been sending me extremely hateful texts and I think I want to press charges but I’m still not sure if it’s a good idea.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – they say when people show you who they are, believe them.

She has shown you that she is a liar and a thief and that she isn’t afraid to manipulate people by playing the victim card.

It sounds like your husband (congratulations) is on your side with this.

Let him lay down the law and if she doesn’t apologize take it from there. Beware of any time limits for pressing charges.” pjwy

Another User Comments:

“Soooooooooooooooo obviously NTJ!!

Please, please, please press charges.

To steal a cherished family heirloom from you on your wedding day is absolutely despicable. To then show no remorse and encourage other people to harass you is next-level nasty behavior.

She needs to be held accountable, and her theft on the record, so that her inevitable gaslighting has no oxygen.

It is very hard to imagine a way back to your relationship with her.

However, if there is even a remote chance, it starts with her facing the consequences of her horrific actions. Only then can she start to very slowly and sincerely demonstrate genuine remorse and start the long process of redeeming herself.

I wouldn’t hold my breath on that but any possible healing starts with you pressing charges and her facing the music. And blocking any family member who objects. They can go and pound sand.

I am so sorry for the loss of your grandmother. Especially so close to your wedding. But mahoosive congratulations on marrying a wonderful man who clearly adores and supports you. Focus on that and your future together.” Present_Pension_6053

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, press charges, but be upfront with your husband that this will result in prison.

NEW 4 CT. earrings that dangle can run upwards of 50k USD (obvious factors such as style, cut, clarity, color, etc.). These are antiques, which will definitely raise the price.

Also, file harassment charges due to her family harassing you.

I’m hoping you’ve told your husband about this. He needs to be prepared to lose family. If they are all acting like that, it’s inevitable some will never even believe your husband or testimony in court.

Tough pill to swallow, but it’s for the best.

Finally, get a safety deposit box and hide them away in there. At some point, someone will try to take them as revenge.

Heck, it could even be an aunt or cousin that hasn’t said anything yet, even a sibling. Lock them up in a secure and safe place.

Even years from now, after she’s ‘reformed’, keep her at arm’s length.

She sounds like the type that would try to turn your future children against you because ‘poor grandma’ had to go to prison. That’s the last thing you’ll want. No contact would be best, which is hard (doing that myself for reasons), but emotionally and mentally better for you.

If your husband is against charges being filed due to this being a felony, be prepared for things to get ugly, but do not cave. He needs to stand by YOU, not his mother.

Congratulations on getting married. Welcome to the club.” Sensitive-Load-2041

3 points (3 votes)
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13. AITJ For Lashing Out At My SIL After She Corrected My Dad's Pronunciation?

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“For some context, both of my parents are Mexican and although they both speak English very well, my dad sounds a bit like Gloria from Modern Family, so when we’re with him, my siblings (26M, 22F, and 15M) and I only speak Spanish.

My elder brother got married to his wife (28F) two years ago, none of my siblings nor I really like her because she believes she’s the smartest girl in the whole world and is always, always correcting us on something.

Mrs. Smarty Pants only knows one language, so when she’s dining with us my parents speak English.

Yesterday my mom made a bomb dinner and invited my brother, his wife, and my sister to come and eat with us.

My brother and I were talking about Pangea and as soon as she came through the door she ‘corrected us’ on the pronunciation (even tho we said it in Spanish and not English).

We just rolled our eyes and said nothing because we didn’t want to spoil dinner, my parents said hi, she said some more witchy comments and we all sat to eat.

We’re not a quiet family, we can all talk together or we can do it in groups, since my SIL was there, we were all doing it in English and my younger brother and I were talking to my dad about a movie where the guy escaped on a boat and my dad was saying boat as ‘bought’.

My bro and I didn’t care because it was pretty obvious given the context, but she said ‘it’s not bought, it’s boat.’ My innocent dad tried to say ‘boat’ but again, he did it with the bought sound and she said ‘No, boat, not bought, boat.’ My dad was obviously embarrassed, but he tried it again, she just sighed and said ‘BOAT, it’s-‘ but I cut her off and said ‘You’re being a witch.

He can’t say it, so what? He’s not talking to you anyway.’ Both my brother and my mom looked at me, but my SIL said ‘I was just helping’ but I said ‘No, you’re being rude, how many languages do you speak to be correcting someone?’ My dad took my hand and smiled, but things got awkward and they left.

My brother is demanding I apologize because I was a jerk, my dad doesn’t think I should do it and my mom is not sure, so idk AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, although you may not have needed to call her a witch straight off either.

But I realize there may have been some build-up to this too.

You stuck up for your dad and pointed out someone else’s poor behavior. When people interject to correct someone else’s conversation, it’s rude.

Plain and simple IMO.

Also, what good could possibly come from your SIL’s correction? She isn’t part of the conversation, there were no comprehension issues, and it literally just points out someone’s struggle.

It serves no purpose other than making her feel superior. She owes your dad an apology.” OutsideBother9355

Another User Comments:

“I used to correct people on stuff when I was younger and didn’t realize it was rude.

I thought I was being helpful. I don’t remember what made me realize it wasn’t helpful, probably took a while for all that pushback to penetrate my thick skull.

You are NTJ.

She was being rude. But she might not actually realize it. If you want to salvage the relationship (totally your call, I don’t know if your relationship with your brother is worth the effort) then I might try a small apology.

Something along the lines of, ‘I know it was rude to snap at you and call you names the other day. I felt like you were insulting my father by correcting him repeatedly.

Like you were saying he wasn’t good enough to talk to you. Your need for perfect diction leads to belittling and borderline bullying behavior. The point of language is to communicate and if we understand him then his struggles with pronunciation are insignificant.

Focusing on mistakes stops the conversation and embarrasses the person being corrected.'” Few_Improvement_6357

Another User Comments:

“Unless she was a speech therapist and your Dad requested help, you are obviously NTJ.

It is exceedingly rude to correct someone, in their own house, while eating their food! Your brother should point this out to his wife (while it is kind to support your spouse, it needs to be done with a view of all the folks involved).

My mother’s Mom was from Europe, but when they came to the US in the 1920s, the family was all ‘We’re in America now, speak English!’ So my Mom and her Mother were shopping in NYC and grams had been in the country for about 25 years at this point.

Grams asked the saleslady a question. Saleslady looks at my mother and asks, ‘Aren’t you going to translate what she said into English?’ Mom responded, ‘It was asked IN ENGLISH!’

Silence.

There are just those people out there.” 2dogslife

2 points (2 votes)
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OpenFlower 1 week ago
NTJ in any way. She wasn't a part of the conversation and got visibly annoyed when he couldn't pronounce the word "correctly". You did everything right. She has no business commenting on your father's speech. I'm all for husbands and wives standing together but I can't believe your brother, you say constantly, just lets her do this to you guys? Awful. Your parents are doing a fine job and SIL can keep her comments to herself.
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12. AITJ For Not Getting My Partner All The Groceries She Wanted?

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“My partner and I moved in together a few months back. It’s been pretty good except for one issue: whenever we go grocery shopping, she almost always wanders off when we get in line and doesn’t come back until I’ve finished checking out.

We’re supposed to split the grocery bill but those times I wind up paying for it all it takes days or weeks for her to repay me or send me her portion.

We did talk about finances before we moved in together as far as what each of us could afford and I have tried talking to her to see if maybe she was having money problems that she couldn’t afford as much groceries wise anymore but she insists her money is fine and she just gets bored in the store.

I definitely can’t afford to keep footing our grocery bill on my own so this last time we went grocery shopping, she wandered off when we were in line. Right before it was my turn I tried calling her phone and she didn’t answer.

I tried again when the cashier started ringing up the items and she still didn’t answer so I left all her items in the cart and wound up getting only the things we both needed and I wanted.

She came back into the store after I had already finished and was sitting on a bench by the registers. She saw I had fewer groceries and asked where the rest of our items were and I told her that hers were in the cart by the register and were going to be put back.

I told her she could go have them rung up or not but I was going to the car. My partner got all her stuff and came out a few minutes later.

She thinks I made a big deal out of nothing and should’ve just bought the items and she’d pay me back later like she ‘usually does.’ She dropped it after the car ride home but brought it up again last night when her friend was over and they’ve both been giving me grief.

I don’t think I was a jerk but I could kind of see their point. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ..she knows what she’s doing. If you have records of how long it took to repay you I’d show her exactly what she is doing so that she is clear in the fact that you’re on to her.

I’d also suggest that when you go grocery shopping you make a list beforehand of your needed items, split the list and when arriving at the store she gets a buggy..you get a buggy and each get the items on your perspective lists and add in any items to your personal buggy that you may just want…then check out in separate lines.

If she is ‘bored’ in the store then this should solve the problem.” HillBillyFillyKyGal

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – something I’m surprised no one has mentioned yet is that it is also incredibly unfair to make you always be the person who has to wait through and deal with checkout.

It’s boring for everyone. No one likes waiting in line to pay for something. Why does she feel entitled to not have to deal with it?

Regardless of that point, she also could contribute by giving you her card before she walks away or giving you cash before you go to the store.

It’s easy to split a check.” AHostileUniverse

Another User Comments:

“NTJ Take notice. Why is she bored when she is with you? Leave the probability that she has entertainment at her fingertips with her phone that she could be using.

Why is being with and talking to you not the first choice option for engagement? Seriously, if the short time you two are in line leads to immense boredom on her part that she can’t stay there, the cost of groceries is just one of your problems.

This is also an indication of if she is a suitable choice for a partner. Do you not want someone who actively participates in and contributes to your partnership?

Neither my husband nor I particularly enjoy grocery shopping, but when we are together doing that chore (which is often), we take the opportunity to talk and engage with each other.

And in the time before co-mingling our finances, it would never be a case of one of us not contributing our fair share at the time it was needed. That you have to nag her for her portion is a great big negative.

Don’t for one minute think that actually getting engaged/married will solve that problem. It tends to make it worse. So get the financial aspect settled before moving forward. Lastly, that she got her friend in on trying to gang up on you to make you think you are in the wrong sucks. If this crap only happened once, no big deal. But it’s happening repeatedly. That is a big deal and makes it a significant relationship problem.” embracedthegrey

2 points (2 votes)
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11. AITJ For Wanting To Introduce My Daughter To My New Partner?

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“I (29M) had a kid with my ex-wife (32F) 10 years ago, my daughter. And there’s no real way to sugarcoat this but as soon as she was born, I left and I never ended up seeing her in the hospital as a baby.

Was never really present in her life at any point but ended up getting a divorce 11 months later with her getting full custody of course. I married young, was really stupid, and thought I’d end up being a good dad despite having no skills but got scared that I’d turn out like my dad and chickened out.

Not really an excuse but an explanation I guess. I paid child support for the first 3 years but stopped afterward.

I’ve been speaking with the girl’s mother about reconnecting with her, but she thinks it’s best that I stay out of their lives majorly.

But I think making amends is always possible so I’m not sure, I just really want to make things right but I will respect their decision. I’ve seen her a few times but her mother has always introduced me as a friend.

She says she will tell her when she is ready.

I’ve been seeing a girl (28F) for about 10 months, and I really like her. I think I could definitely see a life for us and I know that sounds weird but she’s also said the same.

I was also speaking to my daughter’s mother about my daughter meeting this girl, but she says absolutely not and that’s a bad idea. But if I want to reintroduce her into my life isn’t it fair that she gets to see my life too?

AITJ for this? Her mother says it’s a very bad idea, so it’s making me think I am but I just genuinely cannot see why.

Obviously, I care for this girl and I will care for her life too, but a relationship has to be two-sided. I don’t think it’s out of the question to show her my life too.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ – you are not her father.

You are her sperm donor. You paid support for 3 years, which means for 7 years the mother has been alone even financially. You don’t get to just walk back in because you have a partner you think you might be with forever.

This child isn’t a relationship device, she’s a human being whose life and feelings matter more than you and your selfish desire for making amends.

Try therapy to deal with your daddy issues before marriage and having children with this new woman.” Lady-Athena1987

Another User Comments:

“Instead of worrying about introducing your daughter to your partner, who, let’s be honest, likely won’t last, you should worry about oh, IDK, paying back the thousands and thousands you owe in back child support?

If you hope to have any semblance of a relationship with your daughter in the future then that’s what you work on.

Fix your relationship with your ex-wife, the one you so flippantly called ‘the girl’s mother’, then you can work on being an actual father.

Stop even considering giving your daughter, aka ‘the girl’, a stepmother.

In case it wasn’t clear, YTJ.” Agile_Attitude

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, it’s a truly awful idea. If you ever end up back in your daughter’s life, at that point, you can discuss it, but some woman you’re seeing isn’t someone to introduce into the life of your daughter when you don’t even have a relationship with your daughter.

Unfortunately, you left your wife when she was in the hospital after giving birth and your wife ended up with full custody in the divorce. She has the right to decide who gets to meet your daughter.

If a day comes in the future that you kind of reconcile with your ex-wife, maybe then, but who knows if you’ll even still be together with this woman you’re currently seeing at that point.

You also haven’t paid child support for the last seven years, and your ex-wife hasn’t even pursued it, at least from what you said unless you just left that out. You haven’t been part of your daughter’s life for the first 10 years, and suddenly you want to tell the woman you’re seeing, ‘Hey, come check out my daughter!’ and completely ignore the fact that you aren’t in your daughter’s life at all.

What about the damage that this will do emotionally to your daughter? Not only would she learn that she has a father and she’s already met him, but also that he never really cared until he wanted to show her off.” zi76

2 points (2 votes)
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10. AITJ For Telling My Mom That I Will Evict Her If She Fails To Keep The House Clean?

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“I did not have a particularly good childhood. My mother was a single parent to me and my sister, and she struggled a lot. She’s been disabled her entire life, and as a result, she also suffers from depression.

All this to say, growing up the house was very often not clean. She didn’t often have the energy to clean, and with two kids I understand it was incredibly difficult to keep a tidy home.

But it went quite a bit past that point. Most of the time there was rotting food in the fridge, piles of dishes in the kitchen, and plates littered around the house.

I need to make clear that I completely understand struggling to find the mental and physical energy to clean, but when it gets to the point of being hazardous to your health, I draw the line.

I graduated from university last year, and I have done very well for myself. Put simply, I have enough money to buy my mom and sister a house and take care of bills and mortgage payments for the rest of my mother’s life.

Yesterday, I sat down with her and told her that I would love to be able to provide for her, on one condition. I said that until my sister moves out, I will be expecting her to update me on the condition of the house, and if it gets as bad as any of the houses we grew up in, I will evict her.

She’s retired, and with me taking care of the mortgage and bills the only thing she would need to spend money on is food and leisure, so she is absolutely financially able to afford a cleaner.

She laughed a little, and I stressed that I was not joking. I wasn’t going to buy her a house she wasn’t going to look after. She started getting angry with me, asking me where she was supposed to live if I kicked her out, and where my sister would go.

I explained to her that I’m not kicking her out, I haven’t even bought the house yet, I’m just making her aware that I won’t let another one of her homes fall into disrepair.

I also said that I’d figure something out for my sister, separately if need be.

She’s calling me a manipulator, saying that I only want to buy her a house so I can bully her and that I don’t understand what it’s like to be disabled.

My sister agrees with me, but I just need outside opinions on whether or not I’m being too harsh.”

Another User Comments:

“I don’t think YTJ exactly, but I think a large part of this is coming from a place of anger and unresolved trauma on your part.

You resent how you grew up and you’re angry at her. But she didn’t let food go bad because she’s a bad person, and while gross it doesn’t sound like what she did ruined the house itself.

If she was pooping on the floor or something, it would be different, but not keeping up with dishes to your standard isn’t something you can really even enforce as a landlord.

Gross food in the fridge can be cleaned out without damaging the fridge. She still has that disability, and it’s likely getting worse, not better. I know how easy it is to feel angry about these things, my late MIL was a hoarder and it’s infuriating at times, but your mom may not be able to do better, no matter how much you want her to.

No matter how much she wants to.

Help her or don’t, but stop feeling morally superior for being able to keep a cleaner home. She’s likely doing her best even if it’s not enough.” AppleThrower5000

Another User Comments:

“Yes, YTJ.

You are attempting to manipulate a person with a mental illness into just magically being healthy. It’s unrealistic, it’s cruel to her because she is doomed to fail, and it prolongs your pain and anger.

If your mother had it within her to keep a house to your standards, she would have done it for you. She couldn’t then, and can’t now.

Sure, it’s possible that she will eventually gain the capacity to change this behavior on her own.

Or she may one day seek out help and get the help she needs. Her child bossing her around will only prolong the problem and make her dig her heels in.

Help her or don’t – that is up to you. But don’t attempt to bribe her to just magically be healthy.” MeanestGoose

Another User Comments:

“Family and money do not mix. You are asking for a giant headache.

You will feel taken advantage of and will be made out to be the bad guy. Let her be an adult and live the way she has chosen to live. If you want to subsidize a housekeeper, that would be more reasonable.

She does not want to be dependent on you. She stated this very clearly. She is setting boundaries with you that you need to respect. This is her response to your offer.

She did not react with joy or appreciation. She immediately became hostile and already cast you into the villain role as hypothetically evicting her. She called you a bully. She is telling you very clearly she will not even attempt to meet your conditions.

Full stop. She does not want your house. Let her maintain her independence, and if you want to help out financially here and there, do so. Do not enter into a long-term legal and financial headache.

NTJ to offer, but YWBTJ if you pursue this. Live your best life, and let her live as she chooses. This is what she wants. Do not force her into your vision.” upv395

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

You are being reasonable, not harsh or controlling. The house will be yours and you have the right to say that any homeowner has to ensure that it is taken care of.

You may have to pay for the cleaner yourself so that they can report to you about the condition of the house. Just get a slightly smaller house so that there is money left for the cleaner. Your mother clearly thinks that she will not be able to meet your requirements so if you’re serious then plan to help her with that.” Sonsangnim

2 points (4 votes)
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thmo 1 week ago
Why do people always make excuses for those they consider to have some kind of issue? Mom lives like a pig. Daughter doesn't want the house she is going to pay for turning into a trash heap. But because of perceived "mental issues" and unspecified "disability", lots of folks think it's ok for the mom to be a pig. I have several friends who have mental issues AND physical issues. They aren't retired, as the mom is now, work 40 hours a week and STILL keep their house fairly clean. So, no OP, you are NTJ. But I would advise you against buying her a house or providing her with funds. Let her live how she wants to out of her own pocket.
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9. AITJ For Siding With My Sister's Ex?

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“As a kid, I always looked up to my older sis because she was so cool, pretty, and the popular girl. I always tried to be like her, dress like her, listen to her music, you get the idea.

I was popular the 1st time I stepped through the high school door because I was basically a copy of her. I was overwhelmed by the attention but quickly found out she was mostly popular with only the guys.

She ‘went out’ with many of the guys in our HS and they thought I would too. I was so embarrassed, I had our mom take me out to buy new clothes and everything.

Whatever she did, I went the opposite way. She wore tons of makeup, I wore none. She listened to a certain type of music, I didn’t. We went to different colleges.

Fast forward to now. Sis must have figured out her lifestyle wasn’t healthy so she stopped ‘going out’ with a bunch of men, deleted all of those apps, and met Sam.

He’s very good-looking with a great personality and an amazing job. He was smart, funny, outgoing, and can own the entire room when he walks in. He grew up in a different city so his family doesn’t live here but we’ve met and they’re amazing just like him.

Sam quickly replaced us as mom’s favorite child and became our dad’s best friend. He eventually proposed and everyone was over the moon. I was very happy for sis.

Last week she came to my door looking like a complete wreck.

She was crying so hard she couldn’t talk. After an hour or so, I calmed her down enough to get the story. Apparently, they were at a party and were mingling separately when he overheard some guys talking about her popularity.

Sam joined the group and got her history. 2 of the guys in that group ‘went out’ with her and about 4 other guys at that party did too, 1 of whom works with him (which is why they were there).

He heard the guys laughing about how all the men in the town were depressed when she went away to college but rejoiced when she came back. When they got home, he asked her, and she told him the truth, and he left without saying a word.

I helped sis and she’s been staying with me for now. She hasn’t told anyone and has been trying to get in touch with Sam and his family but they’re all ignoring her.

Everyone on our side is super confused because Sam just disappeared. Our cousin (my best friend) pinned me down the other day to ask what happened. I told her and she was appalled.

She called him all sorts of names and insecure. I said I can understand his view as we live in a small town and it’s hard to know many men and that your coworkers ‘know’ your future wife.

Then my cousin and I got into it. She said I should be supporting my sis no matter what. I argued I am supporting her but supporting doesn’t mean I have to agree with her.

Now I might lose my best friend.

Edit: we’re all in our 30s, graduated college, and living on our own.”

Another User Comments:

“Hard YTJ. You sound pretty smug and judgmental.

That was her past.

Sister isn’t like that now. She met a great guy, who is apparently judging her past. IMHO, he wasn’t the right one for her anyway if he is like that. Is he untouched? I agree with your friend, you should be supporting your sister.

We are being asked to judge the OP, not Sam. Hard YTJ is for the OP. We don’t know Sam’s side of the story. I don’t know why he did what he did.

We are missing information. All I said was that he wasn’t the right one for her (if he is like that).

Sam does look bad for leaving without a word and then apparently ghosting the older sister.

So why the silent treatment? This is his fiancee, not his fling.” corgwin

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

And not a gentle one. You’re literally suggesting that your sister should be punished, apparently for the rest of her life (I mean, it’s already been nearly 15 years, she’s in her THIRTIES), for making poor choices AS A TEENAGER.

You know, at that time of her life when we’re all insecure, desperately trying to fit in and be liked? You admit that when you started high school you were so confused about how to do so that you styled yourself entirely after her like a little clone because you thought that was the best way to go about being liked.

Nearly NO ONE makes good choices in adolescence. It’s why we have those years . . . to grow and learn. Adolescent brains are literally incapable of fully comprehending the long-term consequences of their actions and behavior (incomplete frontal cortexes).

And you think that well over a decade later, it’s reasonable that your sister should not only be PUNISHED for things she did as a de facto CHILD . . .

but that you ‘understand’ why a grown man who supposedly loved her and was looking to make a life with her would judge her in that way? And you think SHE’S the one who deserves to be looked at sidelong for this, and not him? Do you also use phrases like ‘used goods’ to refer to women who have had multiple partners before marriage? Would you react the same way if it was one of the men she’d slept with all those years ago whose partner left him because he’d ‘made poor choices in high school and ‘went out’ with too many women’?

YTJ, and shockingly hateful, sexist, and judgemental towards a sister who has never done anything to hurt you.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

From a male point of view: Neither of those guys had the quality to keep her.

Every one of them happily took advantage of her but now acts like she’s to be outcast/blamed. What a bunch of worms.

Sam had lots of good qualities but because he found out she had a life before him, what a surprise! He leaves without a word?

Do defend him and put all the blame for him just leaving without a word, YTJ.” FalconJaeger

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

If it was in a different city it would be one thing.

But not telling your SO you slept with a guy he works with every day?

She’s literally in a conspiracy of silence where everyone knows except the fiance. Like he could be really liking this co-worker and they could do stuff all together and the two of them would know, but they’re lying by omission.

Maybe her past actions aren’t wrong per se, I get how people could feel that way—but hiding it seems really disrespectful.

Plus, yes people have a right to their pasts, but new partners have a right to know exactly who they’re getting involved with.

He has a right to be with the kind of person he wants to be in a relationship.” Curious_Diamond_1263

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, and I’m prepared for the downvote oblivion.

I understand that a woman’s history has absolutely no effect whatsoever on their ability to be a partner.

Heck, my wife has had far more partners than I ever will, and I wouldn’t trade her for the world.

That being said, I’m also not forced to see those exes every day or work with them.

I can imagine that being tough. And while I wouldn’t leave my wife in his shoes, that doesn’t mean I can’t understand why someone would think that it’s too much.

But you’re not a jerk for sympathizing with Sam.

Also contributing to my NTJ judgment is that you didn’t tell everyone in the family, and only brought it up upon being pressed, and then pressed for an opinion. Yes, your overall tone is judgemental in the post, and I also got vibes you were into him, but nothing you said, at least based on the post, veered into jerk territory.” Killed_by_Callers

2 points (2 votes)
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aofa 1 week ago
OP NTJ/A. I myself don't care how many people a woman I'm with had in the past as long as I'm the only current one if we're engaged, but not everyone can handle it if their spouse was "footloose and fancy free" in high school and/or college. While she didn't need to go into details, since they were living in her hometown, she should have given him a heads up at least that she was a wild child back in school, and being a small town, he might meet her past flings. And even guys should give similar heads ups if they were the type to "sow his wild oats." By warning them, it give them a chance to adjust, and let's them know that some of the more crude people that know about the partner's past might say something. The fiance in this story is probably reeling from information he didn't know about, and can be more shocking if he has been completely honest about his history, and his family is showing their support of him. And OP saying she understands how he is feeling isn't really showing support for either side as long as she doesn't bad mouth sis for her past
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8. AITJ For Not Having Any Feminine Hygiene Products In My House?

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“I, (24f) am currently raising my 2 brothers (18m, 13m) after my mother died this past September. Only my brothers and I live here and when my other brother (21m) completes rehab he will be living here as well.

I am the only girl in the house. Onto the issue.

I have a friend, we’ll call her Zaylee (23f) who came over to hang out with me last week. For context, I have the nexplanon birth control bar in my arm.

I know it’s different for everyone, but for me, it completely takes away my period and lasts for 3 years. (This is my second time having it.) We were having a movie day to catch up on life since we haven’t seen each other in over a week.

During one of the movies, she gets up to use the restroom so I scroll through my phone waiting on her return.

Well, when she comes back down she asks me where I keep my tampons.

I responded I don’t keep them in the house since I haven’t needed one in years. She then proceeded to ask me for a pad and I kinda just giggled and repeated myself.

I’m not sure if it was the giggle or lack of products but she completely flips out on me. ‘What kind of woman doesn’t keep these things?’ ‘As a woman you should always keep them!’ ‘What the heck am I supposed to do about my situation?’ ‘I’ve never met someone so thoughtless!’

I was confused.

I didn’t take her attitude to heart and told her we can go to the Dollar General around the corner if she needs some and that it’s not a big deal.

Apparently, that wasn’t good enough for her. She called me an insensitive witch who doesn’t care about other women (??) and needs to learn how to be a better host. She called herself a cab and left shortly after.

I can understand the frustration of not having something you need, but lashing out at me made no sense. I just don’t see the reason to spend money on things I don’t use.

They’re unnecessarily expensive. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Your friend is being ridiculous.

However, I will say this: I’m a 54-year-old woman in menopause. I have no need for products anymore. But I do keep a box of pads and a box of tampons in my bathroom just in case.

I have a stepdaughter (lives with her mom, doesn’t generally spend a lot of time at my place) and a lot of friends of all ages who still menstruate. It cost me $10 one time 3 years ago to ‘stock’ my bathroom and it has come in handy once or twice for visitors.” MaggieMae68

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Personally, I keep tampons on me even when I’m not in need of them because it’s so common to come across someone who needs one, I just make a good habit of it.

That being said… I have reason to buy them anyway because periodically I do need them (I have an IUD, so it’s not often or for long)…

A friend of mine had her baby basket yoinked quite a few years ago, and I have zero expectations of her having tampons or pads in her house…

So if you did happen to have any, then BONUS!!! and omgosh how grand!… but you don’t… and that’s not your problem…” The_Thorne

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I still menstruate but I use period undergarments so I don’t keep tampons or pads either.

For kids, I’d understand not being prepared and I’d have gone out to get some to help, but for a fully grown adult who’s probably been getting her period for close to a decade now, she should keep some on her to be prepared.

If her cycle is irregular so she doesn’t know when to expect it then she should keep an emergency stash just in case. If her period is regular and she knew when it was coming then she’s being ridiculous for knowingly going out without her products and expecting someone else to provide for her. Either way, she messed up and has no right to blame you.” Silaquix

1 points (1 votes)
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rbleah 2 weeks ago
NTJ Her period stuff is on her, NOT YOU. Why can't she just do what I had to do, CARRY SOMETHING WITH ME ALWAYS? It is NOT up to you to provide this crap for her.
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7. AITJ For Being Annoyed That My Partner Used One Of My Eggs Without Asking?

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“I eat the same breakfast every work day: six fried eggs and an orange (yes, I know this is a lot of food for most people, but I weigh 300 pounds and need to be sure I don’t get hungry before lunch).

My partner is well aware of this. She doesn’t like eggs and never eats them, so it works out perfectly because each week when we go grocery shopping, I buy a 30-pack of eggs, which lasts exactly the week (6 eggs x 5 days = 30).

I work Thursday to Monday every week. This past Sunday evening (when I had six eggs left in the carton for Monday morning), I was in the shower and came out to discover that my partner had used one of my eggs to make a cake.

I wasn’t really upset with her, but I was mildly annoyed because she knows full well that I was planning to eat it for breakfast the next day (and it was too late to go back out to get more eggs).

I asked her to please let me know next time we’re at the grocery store if she plans to need an egg that week so we can buy extra. She said I’m being ridiculous, that it’s just one egg, and that she shouldn’t have to plan everything ahead like that.

Again, I want to emphasize that I’m not actually mad at her, just mildly annoyed. But she seems to think even that’s an overreaction. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“So the eggs are just for you? No one else is allowed to have one of the thirty eggs a week?

Buy more eggs I guess? It’s fair to assume that she will still use them frequently.

Eggs are a common ingredient in millions of recipes. People who ‘don’t like eggs’ often still like things like cakes, pasta, sweet & sour chicken, meatloaf, cookies, waffles…….

If this is someone you want to share your life with, make sure she has some eggs in case she needs them.

You are not more important than her.

YTJ for acting like your food needs take precedence over hers.” mnbvcxz1052

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. And you show a bit of an attitude pattern here, which is part of your eating problem.

You’re almost acting like it’s on the level of a medical need, that you ‘need to be sure I don’t get hungry before lunch’ (but it ISN’T a medical need, as far as we can tell from your post.

It seems more of an unhealthy relationship with food). It’s almost like a level of panic for you, that you might feel any hunger pang at all.

And you’re overly irritable about your food plans.

You think it’s something to be concerned about if the exact food you plan isn’t available on one occasion (even though one egg makes little difference to anything). People don’t always plan everything they are going to cook/bake a week ahead.

So most partners would just shrug, and eat one less egg/substitute something else. Instead, you seem to have noticeable anxiety about not getting all the food you want, in the way you want it.

You’re so annoyed, you are spending time seeking validation – because somebody eating one egg of yours is somehow that significant to you. It’s all part of a panicky, unhealthy relationship with food.

What you don’t seem to realize, is temporary hunger pangs won’t kill you. It’s just a mild nagging from your stomach. Why is that so concerning to you? You don’t always have to be completely full to the brim.

Indeed, I would suspect that attitude to food is what has stretched your stomach – so you have to eat more and more to avoid hunger pangs. But that WILL eventually wreck your life and health.

You do need to work on yourself, to understand the psychological roots of your overeating, and your panic over something as minor as feeling slight hunger pangs. If you ever decide to lose some weight, you will have to tolerate at least some less food (and might experience some hunger pangs, whilst your stomach stretches back to a smaller size).

One day I hope you realize that possibility (feeling a bit hungry at times) is absolutely no big deal. It’s usually a level of physical discomfort that is generally less intense than a mild headache.” NoSurprise82

Another User Comments:

“Unpopular opinion but NTJ.

Your nutrition and weight are irrelevant, despite everyone’s fixation on it. The disagreement is over your partner using something that you have an established routine for, and you can’t be a jerk because you didn’t act like a jerk (assuming you are being honest about your reaction).

She should’ve checked with you first before disrupting your routine, regardless of how healthy or unhealthy it is. It’s not her place or ours to police your health.

All that said…I have a feeling your eating habits are a source of tension and stress for your partner, which might be why she got so defensive.

(For example, it could be a financial strain, or she’s worried about you.) You might benefit from taking a long, hard look at your routine and asking yourself if it wouldn’t be better for both of you if you had a better relationship with food.” sanriellewatertribe

Another User Comments:

“Idk why everyone says he has to get over it? Even though he said he eats 6 eggs in the morning otherwise he gets hungry, maybe there’s more than just that.

And maybe not. But if he wants to eat 6 eggs for breakfast, so be it. Who are we to decide how much someone should eat for breakfast?

I have a very strict daily routine.

I also eat the same thing every morning. And yes I can be flexible, but only if I choose to be. If someone else changed something in my breakfast routine without informing me first, it would seriously screw up my whole day.

For some people, it seems like an overreaction and maybe it is, but for others, it can seriously be a problem.

She could have asked him if she could have used an egg.

He just simply asked her why she didn’t ask earlier so they could’ve bought more eggs. He communicated his annoyance towards her, which is a very reasonable thing to do. People always scream that people have to communicate their feelings and when people do, they get to hear they have to get over themselves because of XYZ.

NTJ.” LeadershipSad9920

1 points (1 votes)
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OpenFlower 1 week ago
sorry OP but soft ytj. i'd maybe be annoyed too but eggs are common in a lot of things especially for baking. do you live together? she shouldn't have to ask to use an egg to bake a cake. i think you survived the next morning with 5 eggs, yeah?
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6. AITJ For Not Inviting My Stepmother To My Wedding?

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“My stepmother has been in my life since I was around 5 years old. We never got along as she would always get mad at me for doing things wrong or forgetting to do things.

The catch is I have severe ADHD and have been diagnosed since childhood, so forgetting things and being weird and fidgety at times is to be expected, especially with a child.

She would act as if none of that mattered and I was just claiming to forget things or rocking back and forth at the dinner table to disrespect her. This carried on the entire time I lived with my father and got so bad to the point where I started to believe I was worthless and that there was no point in trying anything if I just ended up doing everything wrong.

Fast forward to college, once I moved out, I finally told my father how I felt about her and he brushed it off as tough love, saying it didn’t matter now that I was living my own life and it must not have been that bad seeing as how I was living a fairly successful life.

I thought maybe now that I was out of the house things would get better but come Christmas it was like I was right back where I started. She would get mad at me for taking a too-long 10-minute shower, for not offering to help cook dinner when I would have gladly helped had she just asked, and even for spending too much time with my dad.

Now that it’s time for me to get married I feel that if my stepmother is there she’ll find some way to ruin it by insulting my dress, the venue, my husband, my mother, or any number of things.

I told my dad I would love to have him there but I didn’t feel comfortable with him bringing my stepmother. He told me that I was being paranoid and she would never ruin such a big day for me.

He even said he would make sure to tell her to behave but there are so many good moments in my life that have just been ruined by her negative comments and attitude toward me, I don’t think I can fully trust her not to somehow ruin this for me too.

My dad thinks I’ll regret it if I don’t have her there and is beginning to sound like he doesn’t want to be there if she isn’t. I stand by my decision as I just want a happy, drama-free wedding day.

Unfortunately, my fiance doesn’t agree and thinks I’m being petty, saying that it’s only one day, what’s the worst that could happen?

So, am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, you deserve to have people surround and uplift you with love and positivity on one of the most special days of your life.

It sounds like your stepmother has never and will never be one of those people.

Your father is making it clear that he has no issue with the way she has treated you, which begs the question is he really someone you want to continue to have in your life? Is he bringing anything positive to your life?

If he is making it clear that he and his horrible wife are a package deal (which is somewhat understandable) then so be it.

Let the trash take itself out and have a great day.

Side note: have you gone into full detail with your fiancé about how that woman has made you feel and the mental anguish she has caused? If not you need to so he can understand why you feel this way.

If so, I strongly urge you to consider spending the rest of your life with someone who could so easily dismiss years worth of hurt and emotional mistreatment. That’s usually a bad sign.” Capital_Cantaloupe38

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Let me be frank.

So she basically subjected you to a form of constant mental mistreatment that made you self-conscious and miserable your entire childhood, but you’re supposed to suck it up for her? That day is about you.

It’s supposed to be special, filled with love and support. Why invite someone who was terrible to you and never get to relax and enjoy the moment because you’re always expecting the next barb?

It’s easy for your fiancé to say to get over it.

He didn’t have to live it for over a decade. He isn’t the one who still gets belittled. I’d say give him a taste of what it was like, but I’m guessing you may not be petty enough for that.

And about your dad, he was and is an enabler who doesn’t want to rock the boat. If he chooses his wife, which is his prerogative, over his daughter’s wedding day, then good riddance.

It’ll suck to not have him there, but it’ll suck more to have a day ruined by your stepmom that you don’t get to do over later.

Best of luck OP.” CrazyCatLadyForEva

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

My husband’s father was… let’s just say not a good parent… and we didn’t invite him to our wedding. We didn’t even tell him it was happening, actually. If he’d been there my husband would have spent the entire time wound up tighter than a watch spring, waiting for him to stand up and object to the wedding or declare that my husband was an ungrateful brat who just wanted his money or whatever else came into his head.

We had a choice between filial piety and a joyful, peaceful wedding. We chose peace.

Sit your fiancé down and make it clear exactly why your stepmother isn’t welcome, if he doesn’t already have the full picture.

And if he does, well, ask him why he’s prioritizing an awful person’s presence over your happiness and comfort on a day that’s supposed to be about the two of you.” snootnoots

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rbleah 2 weeks ago
NTJ Even if she came and did nothing you would STILL feel like you were waiting for the bomb to drop from her. Do what YOU feel is best for YOU. This is YOUR WEDDING and if daddy does not come so be it. Just need to ask, where was your mother during your growing years? Did she know what was going on in that house? If she did and did nothing how do you feel about that?
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5. AITJ For Not Wanting To Return My Mom's Ring That I Used To Propose To My Ex?

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“My (28M) ex Mela (28F) and I were together for 7 years. Mela was obsessed with marriage. She literally had a Pinterest full of wedding ideas for years. Around year 4 of our relationship, she started outright saying that she wanted to be married and wanted to be proposed to in this way or that way and basically making plans.

I told her that I would think about it. While I loved her, I wasn’t sure if marriage was for me. We had an argument and she made an ultimatum. Either I propose or we break up.

I didn’t make a decision and she broke up with me. I realized I wanted her in my life and I proposed. My mom gave me her engagement ring which wasn’t Mela’s style or size but she seemed happy.

I started getting second thoughts and we got into a fight. Mela took off the ring and gave it back to me. We broke up and we went our separate ways.

I took that as she was giving me the ring. Mela and my mom were close and she was invited to the wedding. Mela is getting married to Devin (25M) who’s apparently head over heels for her and bought her a $15k engagement ring.

My mom wanted to wear her best jewelry for the wedding as it was a lavish event and asked for her ring back. I told her I wouldn’t give her the engagement ring back as it was mine and I didn’t want Mela to see the engagement ring that she was supposed to have since it would probably make her feel bad since she married the first guy who was there.

My mom is upset. My family is calling me a jerk. My dad (who made the ring) said I was a selfish brat. I keep getting nasty emails from relatives about the situation.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“Your mother didn’t give you that ring… She lent you a family heirloom for the express purpose of proposing. You should have returned the ring to her as soon as Mela returned it to you.

YTJ for refusing to return your mother’s ring to its rightful owner.” DinaFelice

Another User Comments:

“So you sold it already huh? At least that’s what I’m guessing. Because otherwise, you’d never be so stupid as to irreparably damage the relationship with your own mother over a piece of jewelry that was never yours to begin with.

Appearing to be so greedy, ungrateful, and petty would be a really great way to get nothing in the future. So you wouldn’t be stupid enough to do that unless you’d already screwed up, right?

YTJ.

Give her the ring back or come clean and stop making silly excuses.” not_really_an_elf

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

Reading your comments confirmed my suspicions. You’re being petty. I get it, man, you’re hurt. You realized after wasting 7 years of her time that she was probably everything you wanted and needed, and you messed that up.

Now you’re upset that she ‘settled’ with ‘the next guy who was there’… Seriously? How old are you again? You’re jealous. Just say that.

You’re being petty towards your mom because she was invited to celebrate this joyous occasion for a woman she thought one day would be her daughter-in-law, and she wants to look special.

Give her the ring back, dude. You lost because YOU MESSED UP. Trust me, it’s not going to hurt Mela’s feelings a bit to see that ring — she’s moved on and is getting the happily ever after she always wanted.

Go sulk in the corner and be sad, but that ring never belonged to you one way or another. It should be with your mother, whether she decides to wear it or not.

Oh, and also — Grow up.” therenegadegoose

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OpenFlower 1 week ago
YTJ. She gave you that ring to propose to your soon to be wife. You no longer have a soon to be wife. That ring belongs to your mother. What purpose do you have for it now? What an ungrateful and selfish son. You are clueless and an assh*le.
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4. AITJ For Ignoring My Sister's Calls?

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“My sister has ADHD and has been to therapy when she was younger, but doesn’t go anymore. She also isn’t medicated anymore, because of having kids and needing to breastfeed for a few years now.

It has made her difficult to deal with. Making plans with her is stressful because she can’t commit to anything without changing the plans multiple times. If we have plans that I’ll go babysit her kids, I can expect to be called about it 5 times the day of, so she can run through what’s happening and if there have been any changes that she needs to tell me about.

She has also become a bit controlling. If I’m not doing what she thinks is right, it’ll stress her out and she’ll become unpleasant. The other day I spent the night at her house but told her I needed to do school stuff in the evening.

She was ok with it, but then when I was staying up til around 12 am to finish it, she kept telling me to go to bed, staying up is unhealthy, and getting irritated that I’m not listening to her.

Later I found out that she’d called our mom to complain and say that I’m ‘doing bad with school stress.’ It’s just not true! I was irritable because of HER. And also I’ve always been a night owl, she knows that.

So to the current issue. Our mom is moving and my sister is organizing it. I was asked to be the babysitter for the move day. Then she called and told me the move day had been changed and I was needed as general move help and not babysitting.

I was mad because the day she moved it to was a day when I already had plans of my own with our dad who is also supposed to be moving help (they’re divorced).

So she essentially canceled our plans and made us switch days with the move and our own plans. I told her it was fine eventually because I want to help mom.

After I’d told her I was ok with the change of days I went back to bed because it was very early in the morning and I’d had a rough night the day before.

I could hear her still messaging me, but I just put on do not disturb and fell asleep. When I woke up, she had called me twice and left me 14 texts that I can’t read because they were deleted.

The only one I could see was one where she informed me of the time I need to be at my mom’s house and ones where she gave me crap for not picking up and being an active part of planning this and not being allowed to chip in the plans if I won’t be on my phone when she needs to talk about it.

Apparently, her planning is that time sensitive. I just pretty much ignored her messages.

She says I’m the jerk for ignoring her. I think I’m not because she can’t demand me to be ready to plan with her the moment she chooses, especially because I was tired and planning with her is a literal nightmare.

But I guess the reason I think I might be the jerk is that I consciously ignored her and let her get stressed about it and chose to go to sleep instead.

All I had told her is that I would show up to help, but nothing else. So am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Honestly, I feel for her, ADHD can be exhausting, but she seems to be taking over too much of your life and not considering how her actions affect other people who have their lives and plans.

People know not to call other people until at least 8 am unless it’s an emergency, and from the sound of it, it wasn’t an emergency, she just wanted to talk NOW, no matter how inconvenient it is to you.

Tell her that you don’t answer the phone from 10 pm till 8 am, and while you are at work, and that’s it. She can learn how to be more considerate of other people’s time.” Sunny_Hill_1

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

First, you are not required to be available whenever anyone wants to speak to you.

Second, this was not an emergency or a situation where you had made yourself available to be in touch, this was your sister deciding it was important.

Third, it was a time you were asleep, so even if you had said you wanted to help plan, the time she selected didn’t work for you.

And finally, stop letting your sister do this to you.

You can be understanding of her challenges and not be a doormat. Start enforcing some boundaries with how your sister uses your time because regardless of her ADHD, she doesn’t get to dictate when you are free and how you show up to help.

For example, telling you when to go to bed or what day to help move, and if she won’t stop that, then stop helping. You can be understanding by letting her go over plans a few times and even agreeing to more detailed plans than you would with someone else – like telling her you have to do X, Y, Z while babysitting/being with her or having precise times – but she is taking it to the extreme.

Stop letting her rule the roost, as they say, and make it clear you will not respond to messages on her timeframe but on yours.” mfruitfly

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s quite telling that you feel guilty about this at all.

I would imagine that you’ve spent a lifetime being told that it’s your responsibility to manage her mental illness.

Sometimes whole family dynamics are centered around ‘not upsetting’ one volatile member as it feels like the easiest path to just avoid rocking the boat.

But that’s a short-term solution for a long-term problem that gets worse and worse when it’s not properly addressed.

You cannot choose how people act, you can only choose how you react to them.

It’s okay to set boundaries. It’s okay to shut off your phone in order to sleep. It’s okay to say ‘I’m available to talk about this from 3-5 pm on Fridays, and if you miss that window too bad, try again next Friday.’ It sounds impossibly hard when the expectation is that you’ll always bend to her will, but you can change this if you want to.

Ultimately if she is not willing to address her own issues, you can’t make her change or take care of herself. But you can change how your own life is affected by her actions.” Reddit User

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rbleah 2 weeks ago
NTJ Quit letting HER ADHD control YOUR life. She is an adult supposedly. Time to STOP FEELING GUILTY and start setting boundaries or you will ALWAYS be expected to be her doormat. You are allowed to say NO. You are also allowed to NOT AGREE with all her crap. Be strong, stay strong. Start telling her NO. And don't back down. You have your own life to live.
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3. AITJ For Making My Stepkids Pay For Their Hobbies?

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“My husband Frank (52) has two daughters from his first marriage Alice 11 and Brenda 13. My husband divorced his first wife, Candy, when the kids were 3 and 5. I (32F) met Frank after his divorce through a mutual friend a few months after his divorce.

We went out for almost 8 months before I met the kids. They were 4 and 6 and I’ve been in their lives ever since. Frank and Candy split custody 50/50 and she and I are cordial and the 3 of us want what’s best for the kiddos including individual and group therapy.

We coordinate pickups and drop off at school and extracurriculars and sit next to each other at the kids’ events.

Brenda has a passion for baking, she likes to watch shows about it and then try to follow recipes and even create her own.

She also will try to mix ingredients without recipes just to see what will happen. Frank and I have encouraged this hobby as she finds the research and process of baking to be relaxing and fun.

She is also responsible for cleaning up the kitchen after she bakes, an expectation she believes is also fair (we have a dishwasher that she knows how to load and use).

We also bought her her own mixing bowls and baking utensils, but she has free use of all kitchen appliances, obviously. However, she doesn’t eat or want to really share her creations.

She just likes the process and then will toss it. She will go through more than a pound of flour and 8 sticks of butter in a week. Alice likes to play online video games and will ask for funds to buy in-game coins to play with her friends.

With growing food costs and to teach them the value of a dollar, Frank told both kids he was increasing their monthly allowance from $25 a month to $75, but with the stipulation that they both pay for their own hobbies.

Meaning any baking Brenda wanted to do she can buy her supplies, and any in-game funds Alice wanted to buy she can use her allowance for.

Since increasing their allowance they are more hesitant to add money to their hobbies, though Brenda is still baking several times a month and Alice is still getting in-game coins but significantly less.

Brenda has brought up frequently that she feels it’s mean that she has to save her money (about 20 dollars worth) to pay for flour and dairy products when we should just buy them for her.

We have explained our reasoning several times. Candy recently approached Frank and me demanding to know why we are not being supportive of Brenda’s hobby. We explained the reasoning behind it and she insists we should just pay for it to be supportive.

We have argued that this is supportive and also a teaching tool to learn that things cost money and how to save for things you want, which both kids have demonstrated by saving and minimizing their purchases.

Candy also doesn’t allow Brenda to bake at her home because she ‘doesn’t have time to deal with it’, even though she is capable of cleaning up with minor supervision.

AITJ for including my stepchildren’s hobbies in their allowance?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

I disagree with Candy and your friends.

Frank increased their allowance while stipulating that they had to pay for their hobbies. Great, now Brenda understands how to be better with money. Baking is an expensive hobby and the costs make even less sense if you aren’t even going to eat or share the stuff you’re baking.

Also…..is an allowance not money that comes from the parents??? Frank is still effectively paying for Brenda’s hobby, while also teaching her how to spend money wisely. Good for you.” Aaroniero

Another User Comments:

“YTJ (as is your husband) for teaching a 13-year-old that it’s perfectly acceptable to flagrantly waste food as a hobby, no matter who’s paying for it.

This isn’t about ‘the value of a dollar’ – or rather, you’re not actually teaching her the ‘value’ of anything by making her pay out of her allowance if you’re letting her throw perfectly good food in the garbage week in and week out just because she paid for it with her allowance.

You’re not teaching her to value anything at all EXCEPT money, which is grotesque.

People in North America (which I assume is where you live given your colloquial writing style) are starving every day, and you write this:

‘…she doesn’t eat or want to really share her creations.

She just likes the process and then will toss it. She will go through more than a pound of flour and 8 sticks of butter in a week.’

You are allowing her to de facto THROW A POUND OF FLOUR AND 8 STICKS OF BUTTER (plus countless other ingredients) IN THE GARBAGE EVERY WEEK while food pantries are closing for lack of support and as you yourself admit, the cost of groceries is rising all the time.

You are letting her PLAY WITH FOOD AS IF IT WERE A TOY, AND THEN THROW IT IN THE TRASH. WHAT is wrong with you?

She ‘doesn’t want to share’? Why not? And more importantly, who cares? What kind of ethics are you teaching this child that you would let her throw good food in the trash because she ‘doesn’t want to share it’? She could be donating it, giving it as gifts to friends and family, you could be taking it to work to share with colleagues .

. . there are countless ways to make use of baked goods, and instead you’re teaching her that she can just take perfectly good food, while other people are starving, play with it, and then THROW IT IN THE GARBAGE?

YTJ, as is your husband, MASSIVELY SO.

You’re both teaching your stepdaughter to waste limited resources in a profoundly horrifying way.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU

Another User Comments:

“Um, NTJ. But, honestly, try looking online for classes for creative cooking/baking. We’re in the Reno area and occasionally, we’ve seen classes for baking those funky cakes you see on those food network Halloween shows.

I died when my wife showed me the expectation of eyeball cookies versus her cousin’s actual attempts. The spider cupcakes turned out cool, tho, complete with purple glitter frosting you could eat.

We also just ran across a neat 3d painting class at one of the Cafe sites my wife does delivery for. The point being, keep your eyes out, there are all kinds of opportunities for her to grow her skills.

But, yes, making her learn how expensive food waste can be is smart. It will make her learn to be more careful and do her research before she starts mixing.

As an aside, my wife does think that you should have an in-depth conversation with her about what is it she’s trying to achieve with the ideas she has about mixing ingredients? Is there a taste or texture she’s going for or is it just to see how horrible it could look/taste? If it’s the former, a good class on how foods go together could be helpful. If it’s the latter, well, she needs to understand that isn’t sustainable, which is what you’re teaching her by making her use her own money. She’s learning accountability.” DetectiveResident391

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OpenFlower 1 week ago
ytj for letting that child throw away all that food she's baking.
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2. AITJ For Being Upset That My Son Likes His Stepmom More Than Me?

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“I have a son, Jack (15m). His father and I were never together and he got married to Mia when Jack was 9.

Jack and Mia get along really well. They’re both athletes and have similar personalities too.

I’m glad he’s able to enjoy himself and I’m grateful as well.

It’s just… I know my son loves me but I really can’t help certain feelings. Especially since my son really likes pulling the ‘ugh this is why Mia is so much cooler than you mom’ whenever he’s mad at me.

It was my birthday yesterday and I really wasn’t expecting much. My stepkids are with their mom and my husband’s in a different province for work. I just thought that my son would say happy birthday to me.

He didn’t even acknowledge it and I felt stupid mentioning it. No one really did anything but my son forgetting hurt the most. But I’m grown so I didn’t throw a fuss.

Funnily enough, Mia’s birthday is two weeks after mine and this morning while I was driving him to school he was telling me how he saved up money to buy her a jokey(?) shirt about how she’s the best stepmom ever and how he can’t wait to celebrate her birthday and that it’s meant to be a secret but he’s gonna decorate the house and maybe even try baking her a cake.

I felt so sad. Idk how else to explain it. I just felt miserable and my eyes were getting blurry and my head started to hurt. I was so sad. But I also felt bad for feeling sad? I dropped him off and then cried my eyes out.

I guess I just got tired of feeling like crap so I went out and used a bit of money I had set aside and just did what I wanted. I came back home at around 6 pm and my son was home too.

Turns out, instead of hanging out with his friends like he usually does, he decided to go home right away instead. He was apparently really looking forward to eating what I cooked and was disappointed when he realized I wasn’t home.

He rolled his eyes at me the second I walked in and kept making comments about how I care more about myself/jewelry than him and how Mia doesn’t buy stupidly expensive things like I do.

I ended up saying ‘Then go ask Mia for food and stop being so mean to me. This is my money, I can do whatever I want with it.’

He was really surprised because I never yell and stomped up to his room.

I got a text from his dad later asking if I really felt like jewelry was more important than our son. He also said that he didn’t know I was that type and that I was being selfish.

I literally have no one to ask so I guess AITJ? Was I really being selfish? I know I lost my temper but I’m just so sad all the time. My son didn’t come down for dinner and I feel conflicted now.”

Another User Comments:

“You are NTJ but you really need to sit down with your son and explain why you went out and why you have been upset with him.

He hurt you and I’m betting he didn’t mean to and would be sorry if he understood.

Did you at any point during the conversation in the car point out that he’d forgotten your birthday the day before? Does he even know that he missed it while at the same time raving about what he was going to do for a woman that is not his mother?

Parents are supposed to parent and part of parenting is reminding a 15-year-old that they need to keep track of the birthdays of all their family members, not just the cool ones.

It’s also letting them know when they are being thoughtless, careless, and insensitive.

Happy belated birthday, BTW. I hope next year it is not overlooked because your son learned a valuable lesson.” ladypeyton

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

You’re human, and you let your emotions get away from you in the heat of the moment. Teenagers don’t always think and can say really hurtful things to the ones they love most.

But you need to talk to your son directly about how his words and actions have been making you feel lately, and how much his forgetting your birthday hurt your feelings.

The issue isn’t about jewelry or money, it’s about your relationship with your son, and how you want to feel loved by him too. His relationship with his stepmother is different because she’s not his primary parent.

She gets to be fun and show him a good time, and you have to maintain daily life and discipline him.

Talk to your son about how much you value your relationship with him, and how you want to remain close to him.

Tell him how glad you are that he enjoys spending time with Mia, but that you want to maintain a special relationship with him too. Show him that you’re not just his mother, you’re a real person with feelings that deserves a little thought and consideration.” tiredandwantsanap

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here.

You have a right to feel sad your 15-year-old son forgot your birthday, but remembered his stepmom’s birthday and seemingly wanted to go ‘all out’ for her. You also have a right to use your money the way you want to.

However, your son may not have intentionally forgotten your birthday to hurt you. He is 15 and often teenagers can be very narrow-minded. There are a lot of reasons why stepmom’s birthday may have been top-of-mind for him, the biggest potentially being that bio-dad may have been bringing up stepmom’s birthday to your son.

I am a stepmom and this has happened in our situation. My husband will remind his daughter about my birthday, but not her bio-mom’s birthday, and then bio-mom feels hurt.

I guess if there is any real jerk here it might be your ex for calling you selfish without knowing the whole story.

In my situation, my husband and bio-mom have an agreement to clarify the whole story with each other before making judgments. This is to avoid some major misunderstandings they’ve had in the past.” MercyXXVII

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

I encourage you to examine your self-esteem issues. You are allowed to have feelings and expectations on how you should be treated. What makes you feel like your feelings are stupid? Why do you think that being grown means you shouldn’t ‘throw a fuss’? You think you shouldn’t have emotion to the point that you ‘felt bad for feeling sad.’

You are so afraid of being abandoned that you are pushing your son away.

You didn’t tell him your plans and he reacted poorly to you not being home. You snapped at him. Told him to go be with Mia and that he was mean to you.

The truth is that it sounds like you don’t tell people what you want or what you don’t like. Then you allow them to treat you badly without an ounce of protest until you snap.

But they never knew you didn’t like the way you were treated. They aren’t mind readers.

If you were only interacting with adults then I would say you are NTJ because you are in need of communication and coping skills and I would gently encourage you to seek help.

But you are a mom being passive-aggressive with your child. He does not understand your mood swings or have any coping mechanisms of his own. You are responsible for him and you are the adult.

You need to get help now. Passive aggression is still aggression! It is not healthy for your son to get this sort of emotional whiplash. You both need therapy to help you gain the coping and communication skills you need.” Few_Improvement_6357

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Beads1912 1 week ago
People need to reread OP'S POST!!! She told her son that morning that it was her bday! He DIDN'T even say Happy birthday to her so don't go blaming anyone else but the inconsiderate child she gave birth to for pointedly ignoring his mom and then going home expecting a hot meal and having the nerve to be mad and then getting his dad involved! I know exactly how you feel %100 OP. Just because you are the Mother everyone expects you to take a backseat to everyone else feelings. Your son has a crush on his step mom and you will never compare to her unless his favorite mom rejects him
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1. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Ex Throw Our Daughter A Birthday Party While She's Grounded?

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“My 15-year-old daughter did something that warranted a 4 – day punishment. Her bday is tomorrow. And this is her 2nd of punishment. I canceled her birthday as part of the punishment and the other part is not allowing her to go out for 4 days.

She still has electronics available.

Earlier today, my ex contacted me and asked about the bday cancellation. I told him what happened and he said that he’ll throw her the bday party since I canceled.

I said that he can’t throw her the party when she’s grounded and isn’t allowed to leave the house for days. He called me ridiculous but I told him that he was encouraging bad behavior and acting like the cool parent instead of working with me on fixing these behavioral issues.

He said that since he’s also the parent then I cannot stop him from throwing her a party and he’ll do it tomorrow. We got into a big argument and my husband agrees that my ex is being an enabler.

But my daughter’s grandparents got involved as well and told me I can’t stop her dad from celebrating her bday and said that I needed to let it go and suggested I put off the rest of the punishment til after the bday.

But I refused. I feel like he’s undermining my parenting and deliberately going against my input.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. If your daughter did something bad enough that it warrants canceling a birthday party and grounding her on her birthday, then it’s bad enough that you and your ex need to discuss the appropriate punishment before giving it and generally get on the same page.

You didn’t do this. You acted unilaterally in deciding how to deal with her and he is merely doing the exact same thing. In other words, you undermined his parenting, too.” JeepersCreepers74

Another User Comments:

“YTJ you can’t cancel a child’s birthday, especially the sweet 16.

You can’t tell a grown man specifically your ex what to do with his parenting time. You can’t make up punishments on your own without consulting your ex and then decide he’ll have to follow through on his parenting time.

Your husband needs to stay out of it whether he agrees with you or not is a moot point and he shouldn’t be involved in any conversation between you and your ex about your joint child.

I hope that you have your old age sorted because she’s not going to care where you go if you keep up mistreating her.” Possible_Canary2359

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

You only get to control your own household, not your ex’s.

If you wanted him to be in agreement with your punishment, you should have discussed it with him before implementing it to get him on board with it. It’s called co-parenting when you want the punishment to stand in his home too.

He’s not obligated to follow your ‘no birthday party this year’ rule because YOU want to choose that punishment. It’s a crappy punishment to be honest, especially considering you didn’t disclose what she did to warrant such a reaction, though I guess some circumstances COULD exist to cause you to go there.

Seems to me that you could have picked a totally different punishment such as no electronics in your home for X amount of days outside of official schoolwork. Obviously, your ex isn’t on board though and truth be told, he doesn’t have to be.” jammy913

Another User Comments:

“ESH generally speaking you absolutely should be able to depend on the co-parent to back you when punishment is dealt.

If she was due to be with you during a grounding time (I have to assume she was as you were the one throwing the party) he can’t just swoop in and take her out somewhere.

Basic co-parenting expectations.

However, canceling a bday celebration 2 days before seems mean and over the top for what she did. But I don’t know all the behavior issues you mention. Perhaps you could have dished out a punishment that didn’t impact others as well.” Decent-Muffin4190

-2 points (2 votes)
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