People Contemplate "Am I The Jerk" After These Situations Went Down

We all ask for advice every now and then based on how we reacted to something. "Did I take things too fast?" "Would it have been better if I lied to make them feel better instead of telling it like it is?" "Was it wrong of me to get mad at them?" We can be indecisive beings, and it makes perfect sense why: because there are so many different ways we can react to situations and the people around us. Sometimes we react brashly or inappropriately. Other times, we don't react enough (or at all). While we might be uncertain of our own actions at times, sometimes it can be easier for us to dictate how appropriately (or inappropriately) another person's reaction was in a particular situation. That said, let's delve into some people's stories where they concern if they were the jerk or completely justified in their case. Comment your thoughts after reading each story! AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk YTJ = You're the jerk EHS = Everyone here sucks

17. AITJ For Telling My Son The Truth About Why My Wife Stopped Talking To Her Parents?

This is such a tough situation, but in the end, their son has the right to include or exclude any family members from his life as he wishes.

“Her parents always looked down on me, and I can somewhat understand why given my past and how me and my wife met. At 23, I was a homeless man.

My wife was the first person who was nice to me.

Almost got kicked out of this small restaurant when I was trying to avoid the rain. She was there and pretended that we were meeting, so they’d let me stay. Got a free meal and we talked for a long time. She really helped turn my life around, stuff like helping me fill out job application. From there, we became good friends. 2 years after that, after getting my crap together first thanks to her, I asked her out.

Her family never approved of our relationship because they thought I was trash due to how my life was when we met. Which again, I get it. But after 4 years of us being in a relationship? Me having the same steady full time job to help with the bills for years? They didn’t even come to the wedding. Then when my son was born a year after they still wanted nothing to do with us.

So we haven’t had contact in years since my son was a baby. Now he’s 16, and they contacted us out of the blue. They still don’t care to talk to either me or my wife, but they were “willing to put their feelings aside” to get to know him. We never went into details with him about why we don’t talk to them, and he’s never asked much before.

We left the choice to him if he’d like to meet them. And he agreed to it. He’s gone over to spend time on several occasions the past 3 months. Finally, the other day, he asks us why we didn’t keep contact with them. To him, they seemed like nice people, so he doesn’t get what the conflict was. They told him we stopped talking over a conflict we had but left out that they were the ones who didn’t want to see us.

So we told him the truth. My son already knows about my past. That’s something I never wanted to hide from him. We told him they never approved our relationship because I used to be homeless, and they never wanted to be part of our lives since then.

He got mad at them, and now they’re mad at us. My son doesn’t want to talk to them, and they sent us screenshots of some of the things he told them (no insults or inappropriate language but just what he thought of them).

And they think we’re jerks because they were finally building a relationship with him, and we ruined it.

For now, my son says he doesn’t want to be involved with people like that. We’ve talked to him several times; he still hasn’t changed his mind. It was my choice to tell him why, and my wife supported that. Now with how things have turned on, I wonder if I was a jerk like they seem to think I am.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

You weren’t spiteful or cruel. You didn’t lie or even exaggerate. Heck, you didn’t even go out of your way to stand in the way of their having a relationship with your son, despite everything your in-laws had done to hurt you.

The truth is this simple: If your in-laws had been more genuinely compassionate people, at any time in all these years, then your own son, who you’ve clearly raised to be a thoughtful young man, would have had more compassion towards them as well.

They are living with the consequences of their own actions, as difficult as that may be for them to face, and you are NTJ.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

“Willing to put their feelings aside” doesn’t sound like an apology, like regret, or like they even acknowledge that they are the reason they are in this position.

It sounds like they got lonely as heck, and instead of owning up, they wanted to have you casually sweep their skeletons into the closet, so they could selfishly use your parental feelings to cross a bridge they’d burned.

If you look through my post history, you’ll notice I often get downvoted for advocating more centered and almost devil’s advocate seeming viewpoints (because I think a lot of people jump to extreme “just cut them off” viewpoints where family is concerned here, but I grew up in cultures where family is much more integrated and core to the cultural identity).

Having said that: Y’all don’t owe them crap.

They want to rebuild, then they better actually put in the work and get to building; they don’t get to try to walk all over you like you’re a convenient bridge for the deep ditch they dug.” Gaimcap

13 points (13 votes)
Post

User Image
Katydid 5 months ago
You did the right thing. He is old enough & he asked so I really believe you did the right thing. If they are pissed, then they are the ones with a problem. My brother was an ass & we kept our mouths shut to keep from upsetting our Mama. When she died, we cleaned out her house to sell & sold it along with the land. Now he just don't get it as to why none of us speak to him. It's all cause hee's an ass & thankfully he doesn't live near the rest of us so we don't have to put up with his $hit no more!
1 Reply

16. AITJ For Not Wanting My Friend At My Get-Together Because They Only Eat Well Done Beef?

“35M here. My friend Brandon (34M) was surfing YouTube and found a video for Gordon Ramsey’s “beef wellington” and got intrigued.

For reference: Beef Wellington is a whole beef tenderloin wrapped in a puff pastry and baked in the oven, then sliced to serve multiple people. It’s a pretty old-school dish, but Gordon Ramsey made a viral video about it, and it got popular again. It’s also expensive ($100+) and pretty technical to make, so it’s mostly popular as a video to drool over rather than something people make regularly.

Brandon knows I’m a hobby home cook and so he asked me about Beef Wellington. I said I was familiar with the dish because of YouTube, but I never attempted to make it before because it’s pretty expensive.

Brandon said he was eager to try Beef Wellington, and he proposed a deal with me. He said he would pay for the ingredients if I’m willing to make it.

I took him up on the offer on the caveat that there’s a possibility it might not be perfect. We came up with a plan as follows: I would get the groceries the morning of and use the afternoon to make a Beef Wellington for 8 people at my home. Brandon and I would agree on 6 guests to join us for dinner. Invites were sent out well in advance.

However, a few days before the dinner, one of the guests had to cancel.

My solution to this was that I would just cut the pieces a little thicker, and we would just have a 7 person dinner. Brandon even agreed to this. However, the word got out in our friend group that there was an open seat. Two of our guests, Kate and David (35 married couple), suggested they bring along our mutual friend Ava (34F).

I said no to the suggestion.

We’ve known Ava for years. She’s a great person, and I have nothing against her. The thing is for this situation is that she doesn’t eat beef with any pink. If it was burgers or steaks, I could just cook hers the way she likes it, but since a Beef Wellington is a roast, the whole thing is cooked the same.

They asked why I couldn’t just make the whole thing well done. I said I myself wouldn’t be willing to eat well-done tenderloin and would rather just not cook than make that. I also said if I’m catering to anyone, it’s Brandon because this meal is on his dime. They then asked why I couldn’t just make Ava’s portion well done. I tried to explain that it would be difficult to do that.

I’d have to cut her piece, then take it back to the kitchen to cook it more after dinner had already started. This thing was going to take me hours to make. After I cut it, I’m sitting down and I’m eating.

Kate and David are now accusing me of being unaccommodating and excluding Ava and saying I’m a jerk. What do you all think?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Uninvite Kate and David from your life.

If they were 23, I’d say cut them some slack, but a 35-year-old demanding the host of an event change the dinner for someone the host didn’t invite? The chances they grow up are slim.

The fact that you even brought up so many technical reasons for why it’s impossible, the fact that you responded to their ridiculous arguments… I’m worried you’re a serious pushover.” iwanttoquitposting

Another User Comments:
“Beef Wellington is served rare.

Why would you ruin an expensive dish? You’ve made all the right choices here. It’s really K and D that have a problem. Is there someone at the dinner that they want to set up A with? Did they already tell her she could come, and they’re embarrassed because they didn’t understand the purpose of the gathering? Seems weird that they’re so involved with catering to A.

It’s a Beef Wellington dinner. That’s the whole point of the evening, not the socializing aspect. You’re trying a cool, difficult, expensive dish, and THAT is the focus of the evening. You’re allowed to have any kind of event you want, and only unreasonable people would expect you to take the focus of the evening away from the dish. Anyone who doesn’t like rare beef will have to take care of their own dinner or perhaps attend the next gathering.

NTJ.” SweatyFig3000

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

I make have made Beef Wellington on numerous occasions. If you haven’t done it before, be sure to really, really, really squeeze every drop of additional moisture out of the mushrooms before you make the duxelles. Some people put crepe pancake inside to protect the pastry from the juices, but it shouldn’t be necessary, and it does alter the flavor slightly. Also, remember no one can see the underside of your wellington, so you don’t need to make it beautiful, just well sealed.

Oh, and clinging film on the outside surface face of your pastry helps you get it around the meat without splitting it…. just flour well.

You would be entitled to not invite Ava just because 2 of your guests want her to come doesn’t make you a jerk… It’s not a restaurant, and it’s not their dinner party. However, if you did want to include her, cut the tail off the fillet as that bit ends up a little too well done anyway because it’s thinner.

Instead of just sealing the meat, pan cook it for a decent period and make a mini one on the side. It actually won’t be a load of extra work. The work is in the duxelles; everything else is pretty easy.

Best thing about a Wellington is that you can prep it in the morning or even the day before and pop it in the fridge. If you really want to make the at-dinner end easy, serve with dauphinoise potatoes or fondant potatoes or something similar as they also go in the oven then all you actually have to do just before sitting down is heat the gravy or sauce and put the veg on. Also means you don’t have tons of washing up either as you did it all earlier.

Good luck.” Whitestaunton

12 points (12 votes)
Post

User Image
DawnP 5 months ago
To add to my comment, you're not a jerk for excluding Ava. The dinner party is hosted by the person preparing the meal and the person paying for it...you get to invite whomever you choose to.
1 Reply
View 2 more comments

15. AITJ For Not Wanting My Brother's Wife To Any Contact With My Wife?

“This Christmas, my wife and I planned to visit my parents. It was only supposed to be the 4 of us. However, my mom informed me my brother and his wife will be visiting as well. My brother and his wife alternate whose family they visit, and this year was supposed to be with her parents. It’s why we decided to visit this year. I don’t want my brother’s wife anywhere near my wife.

My brother’s wife has what’s called Illness Anxiety Disorder. My lovely wife is a doctor. My brother’s wife currently has injunctions against her from 2 different GP’s because her worries about being ill (with illnesses she doesn’t have) turned into harassment towards them. She’s been sacked from her last 2 jobs over it. At one she wouldn’t stop saying, at home and in the office, she had the same or similar cancer to one of her colleagues at the firm.

The type of cancer was only found in men, but she was convinced she had it. More than once, she’s been warned about NHS fraud for lying to access services and treatments she isn’t eligible for. She once attempted to forge a referral from a GP to a specialist because she was convinced the GP was wrong about her being fine. She’s also been banned from more than one hospital A&E unless it is a true emergency.

With current circumstances, it was a perfect excuse for us to get married with no guests and to send photos and videos to everyone afterward. We had already booked the church, but the vicar said she would still do the wedding if we wanted, and we did. I’ve explained the facts about my brother’s wife to my wife, and she says she trusts me, and with her record of harassment against doctors, my wife doesn’t want to be around her.

My brother’s wife has already contacted me asking my wife to call her because she has medical questions. I told her not to do it again. Besides the ethical situation of treating a family member, my brother’s wife doesn’t have any of the illnesses she thinks she does. She also emailed my wife once at her work using a general email she found online. My wife didn’t respond to it when it was forwarded to her.

She believes my wife will see she is right and give her all the referrals, medications, ETC. that she wants. The has stressed out my wife, and the last thing I want for her is this.

I’ve told my brother and my parents that I’ll never allow his wife near my wife so long as she carries on like she is. I told my parents if my brother and his wife are present at Christmas, we’ll come on New Year’s.

Now my brother and his wife say that they will come on New Year’s too. She is desperate to meet my wife, and given her track record, I don’t agree. My parents agree with my brother. The 3 of them also believe her past behavior has been overexaggerated, but she was nearly sectioned in addition to the injunctions and NHS fraud allegations.

AITJ for wanting to protect my wife from this? (My wife agrees, but as it is my family, I’m the one pushing back because it would be unfair to her.).

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, however, it might be good for your wife to get some legal advice.

Your sister-in-law is clearly unwell, just not in the manner she thinks. She is already going out of her way to try and contact your wife, and she will not stop. So your wife needs proof that she has closed the conversation in case your sister-in-law moves to false accusations. If your wife is a GP then she will have some form of insurance, perhaps a conversation with the insurance company or with the company she works for or maybe doctors union etc about how best to proceed.

The fact is this is not going to go away.

But you’re doing the right thing protecting your wife. Good luck.” LeafCase9847

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You and your wife need to have a united front because, at this rate, they’ll show up at your front door next. If I were you, I’d go on the condition she’s not allowed to talk about her health conditions to you or your wife.

Make sure it’s clear to everyone, and when she breaks it, tell everyone you’re leaving because she’s broken her promise. That way, her presense won’t be the problem, her lies will be. Or just stick to your guns and refuse to go. I’d invite the parents to your home, so they can’t surprise show up.” AttemptedAdult

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Your sister-in-law’s illness makes her a professional hazard to your wife in ways that could be just awful for the whole family.

Your sister-in-law has already demonstrated that she doesn’t respect reasonable personal or professional boundaries with your wife, that your parents and brother are in denial and willing to enable her is pretty distressing.

The professional ramifications for your wife if your sister-in-law gets going are significant, and once that starts, the fallout for your family will be way worse than it has already been.” Pretend-Panda

11 points (11 votes)
Post

User Image
irjo 5 months ago
It’s called Munchhausen syndrome.
1 Reply
Load More Replies...
View 1 more comment

14. AITJ For Not Wanting To Make My Friend A Wedding Dress Based On The Material Cost?

“So I have a degree in Fashion which some people think means I can be their personal seamstress. I’m used to this problem, and I don’t mind helping people out, but I never work for free.

My pregnant friend recently reached out to me and asked me if I could make her, her wedding dress and sent me pictures of the idea she had in mind. It isn’t exactly a simple dress but also not the most complex I’ve ever done either.

I told her I could for sure do that for her, and it’d cost $800. She was shocked at this and told me she thought I’d do it for free and she’d just pay for materials. I pointed out how many hours this would take me to do and all the hand embroidery needed, then I explained I was doing this for a quarter of the price I’d charge other people because she’s my friend.

At this point, she started to get very upset telling me I have no idea how much stress she’s under with the wedding and the fact she’s pregnant and how funds are tight and how this should be my wedding gift to her and how great it’d look in my portfolio. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable to want something in exchange for this, but other friends are telling me it’s horrible how I’m wanting to charge her for this and it’s not like I’m a high-end bridal shop…

Am I being unreasonable?”

Another User Comments:
“They’re right, you’re not a high-end bridal shop… You’re designing and hand-crafting a BESPOKE GOWN. Bridal shops will sell off the rack or order from their range and then do alterations to customize it, but you would be doing this gown to her precise specifications from the ground up, only you, not a shop full of workers with suppliers and deliveries and whatever.

You should be charging MORE than a high-end bridal shop.

That she’s pregnant is irrelevant. It’s 2021, and she should know kids and fancy weddings aren’t cheap, so trying to pull off both at once is gonna take some belt-tightening for those who are choosing to have kids and a fancy wedding.

Stress sucks, but again, these are her choices she has made and is making. This isn’t a tragedy she couldn’t possibly have avoided.

It’s her baby and her wedding, and it’s up to her to manage her life and decide what her priorities are. You are treating her exactly the same as you’ve treated everyone else who has come to you for your services. To suddenly give her special treatment freebies would be spitting in the eye of however many friends and family have been willing to honour your work before now.

Everybody has stress and budgets and compromises in their lives—if you and your work are important to someone, they will treat it as if it’s important and respect the work that goes into fulfilling their request and deeply appreciate the heavy discount you’ve already incorporated.

To whine for more is graceless and disrespectful of you and what you do.

NTJ.” CharlotteLucusOP

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have experienced that (not exact) situation in the past.

You even gave her a crazy low price as a friend. I am very experienced at fine knitting (among other crafts), and one time, when asked rather bluntly, people have considered me ungrateful for not accepting “cost of materials plus five dollars” at their request to knit them socks (fine gauge quality yarn, 2mm needles, intricate cables, custom knit to fit them). They’ve assumed that I’d be crazy to not “jump at the chance to make some bucks…”

People who don’t understand everything that goes into an artistic skill – simply do not have an appreciation that hours of a person’s time and labor goes into the creation of a product.

And that because we enjoy the work, it means we’d be happy to work for free or drop everything for a friend. It’s also hard for some people to disengage the oft-repeated mantra that it’s not “real work.”

I do knit socks for my husband and daughter because I enjoy the hobby, and they appreciate that I am giving them a piece of my heart. But it’s my own idea. I couldn’t afford myself.” Old_Cookie_6513

11 points (11 votes)
Post

User Image
FatMama 5 months ago
I'm a fashion designer as well, and completely understand. You are absolutely NTJ. The balls on her to suggest you make her a haute couture gown for free! $800 plus materials is a steal. I work in custom made clothing myself, and I charge a minimum of $25/h. Double that if the client is rude or a pain in the rear. I would jump at the chance to have you make a gown for that little! It's much, much less than I would charge.
3 Reply
View 1 more comment

13. AITJ For Refusing To Fire My Personal Trainer Per His Wife's Request?

“I (43F) hired my trainer Alex (fake name) in mid-2018 through the gym. I asked for someone who understands chronic pain because I’ve had it for 20 years and need help managing it. Swimming did wonders until my body began to develop negative reactions to pool chemicals, which was why I switched to the gym.

Long story short, Alex helped beyond expectation. He helped me improve so much that a few months ago my doctor actually switched me to milder pain medication and lowered the doses too.

So as a token of appreciation, I gave Alex an early Christmas card last week with a $50 gift card. The message was a simple, “Thank you for your help. Best wishes.”

Today I went for solo training, and a woman approached me claiming to be Alex’s wife. She accused me of getting friendly with Alex and demanded that I ask the gym to switch trainers. I refused, and she got aggressive, so I got the staff involved, and they removed her.

Later I told friends about the incident, and they say I was disrespectful and should have honored her wishes. Though I don’t think Alex’s wife’s insecurity is my problem, I feel bad about possibly getting him into trouble at home. AITJ?”

Another User Comment:
“NTJ. It sounds to me like you found yourself an amazing personal trainer who went above and beyond what he ever needed to do.

You’re happier in your life, and you’re medically improving. That’s great!

It also sounds to me like you have a pretty professional relationship with Alex, unless I’m missing something. You were grateful for his help, so you got him a Christmas present. I’m not sure where the “getting friendly” is here. I’ve gotten coworkers Christmas presents before.

If you feel like it could be a problem with Alex, maybe talk to him about it.

I don’t think you need to switch trainers, but if this is causing him problems at home, he may need to do something about keeping you as a client. Just talk it through; communication is key.

Best of luck, OP! And happy holidays!” Blue_Eyed_Lemon

Another User Comment:
“NTJ – And you should really let Alex know that his wife is harassing his female customers. It is NOT up to her whether or not you should switch personal trainers, and if she is trying to hurt his business, he has a right to know.

She is displaying MASSIVE red flags if she thinks that she can control who her husband takes on as a trainer.” EvocativeEnigma

Another User Comment:
“NTJ. In addition to all of the great comments explaining how inappropriate his wife was, I want to take a moment to talk about how off base your friends are.

It’s super inappropriate for a spouse to interfere with their spouse’s workplace. Period. How would your friends feel if their husbands came to their workplaces and started dictating who was “allowed” to work with them?” DinaFelice

8 points (8 votes)
Post

User Image
DawnP 5 months ago
Wow. NTJ. If I was uncomfortable with how my husband interacted with a woman, especially at his job, I might talk to HIM about it, but I'd never consider approaching the woman.
1 Reply

12. AITJ For Getting Uninvited From My Friend's Wedding?

“So my (27f) close friend Bethany (27f) is getting married the day after Christmas to her fiancé, Jim (29m). Jim and her have been together for 5 years. He popped the question in late 2020, and they’ve been planning that wedding for a year.

Bethany and I used to be really close like sisters. When she first got with Jim, she started prioritizing her relationship as months and years went by.

She didn’t cut me off or anything, but she stopped hanging out as much with me and the girls. She stopped coming to basketball practice (Bethany, I, and some other girls who are our friends used to go on practice together). I was concerned and I asked her if she’s ok because she seems distant since she wouldn’t hang out as much with us anymore. She said she’s fine; she just lost interest in basketball and found new hobbies.

Her new hobbies consisted of yoga. She also dropped out of college and went on to get a certification to be a yoga trainer, completely ruining her academic career. I thought Jim was behind this, but everyone says she seems really happy now. I couldn’t see it, and I always thought she changed for the worst. About the hanging out, she claimed that she never stopped hanging out with us; she just needs to balance her time between work, hobbies, relationships, and friendships.

But she always had time for Jim but never for us. Everyone told me I’m overreacting since she still hangs out with us. I know she does, but it’s not like in the past when we’d hang out more often, so there’s definitely a change.

Two weeks ago, she had her bachelorette party. Another friend of mine and I were discussing how she’s centered her whole life around planning that wedding for a whole year and how she’s lost herself to that man and her pretentious hobbies.

Bethany’s sister overheard me and told her what she heard. Bethany didn’t speak to me for the rest of the night. The next day, she sent me a long text, she didn’t even call me, just to tell me how I’m uninvited from the wedding since I don’t seem too happy about it and that if I’m gonna be overly judgemental about her life and her choices, then I don’t deserve to be part of her special day.

I am completely heartbroken by this, and everyone around me tells me I had it coming and that I’m the jerk for talking badly about her and her choices in her bachelor party and how my whole attitude towards her choices for all these years was leading up to this moment. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you don’t sound like a very supportive friend. You trash her decisions at her own event where others overheard you! You say she ruined her academic career to become a yoga teacher.

Good for her finding what she really wants to do. Of course, she’s spending more time with her fiancé! They are getting married. She’s in a different season of her life. And guess what’s going to happen if they decide to have kids? She going to spend even less time with her friends! I don’t blame her for uninviting you to her wedding.

I think your negative reaction to your friend’s life choices is something you need to reflect on.

This is bringing up some issues for you.” EasyCheesyNugget

Another User Comments:
“YTJ- holy cow, are you the jerk. You should know that someone’s life partner will always come before their friend group, and she’s still spending time with you. She sounds like she’s balancing her schedule like an adult, and don’t forget wedding planning takes a lot of time.

You and the “friend” are jerks and got exactly what you deserved.

It’s not a “pretentious” hobby just because you don’t like it. She didn’t “ruin” her career; it sounds like she found something she loves more, and instead of judging her, you should be happy and supportive of her. Achieving the role of the instructor in what sounds like a short time isn’t a small feat.

You seem like you’re a terrible “friend” and got off more on the routine and control from before.

People grow and change, (except it looks like maybe you), and it’s natural and should be celebrated.

She did the right thing kicking you out of her wedding. Your ex-friend sounds like she understands healthy boundaries, and you should learn from that. (It seems like you probably come from a toxic family situation; I would put a substantial amount of bucks down on that bet.)

She’s right; you don’t like her fiancé or support her, so why would she want you there on her big day bringing her down because you’re insisting on being judgmental and negative?

Are you jealous she’s getting married or had the balls to pursue something new that made her happy? It sort of sounds like you may be.

You need to take this as a hard lesson learned and be a better person going forwards or you’re going to end up with NO friends.

I suggest you try a few new hobbies yourself and maybe try and make a few new friends in the process. Appreciate everyone is on a different journey, yourself included. Open your mind.

If you can’t get over the judgy behavior, therapy is your friend.

You may or may not have a personality disorder going on and therapy and medication could be a real help to you, or you could just be parroting behavior you’ve seen your own mom/family model.

Either way- if you can’t learn that the world does not in fact revolve around you and learn to be happy for others even when you’re not involved, you should try therapy and take it seriously.

You don’t have to be judgmental and miserable as you are now forever. That’s a choice. I hope you make the choice to become better. Even you deserve a bigger life than that, and living as you are now is no way to be happy in life.” Ruckus_Riot

6 points (12 votes)
Post

User Image
KohakuNightfang 5 months ago
I disagree that a partner should always come before friendships. Some friendships are just as strong or even stronger than a romantic/sexual relationship, but it sounds like she chose a balance between her relationships that worked for her and you hated the idea of losing any time with her. Relationships are about open and honest communication. If you have a problem with how much time and attention you are getting you talk about it, but they do not owe you whatever specific amount of time you want. Also you putting her down for her choice of partner and career is simply ridiculous. Jealousy might be a perfectly normal feeling, but it's one that needs to be understood and worked through so it doesn't ruin the important relationships in your life. I recommend therapy, as I do for just about everyone because therapy is good for you.
4 Reply
View 4 more comments

11. AITJ For Making People At The Table "Uncomfortable" For Complimenting My Brother's Girl?

“So I’m (20M) is a single dude living with my parents still. I have a job and everything, and I plan to move out soon. My brother (25M) has obviously already moved out and has his own place. He has had several partners for the past 6 years since he moved on. Plenty of times, I thought if he found “the one” but didn’t.

But recently I found out he’s really in love with his new girl, Hana.

Hana is of Japanese descent. I was really curious to see what she looked like, as I have a personal preference for Asian women. It’s nothing creepy; I just like how they look. My brother said to just meet her in person and said that I’d “really like her.”

My brother came over to introduce Hana to me and my parents. And man, Hana was absolutely beautiful.

Long hair and nice skin. My brother absolutely scored. I was friendly to her right away. My dad cooked us a feast as a way to get together and also to know Hana better. Hana shared a lot about herself.

She shared about her childhood and how she was bullied for being Asian and as a result, felt insecure about her looks. My mother talked about how Hana was a beautiful and kind young woman, and they’re glad we met her.

I immediately agreed and went on a bit of a tangent: I talked about how it’s ridiculous anyone could bully you because you’re so beautiful. Asian girls are one of the most beautiful women in the world, with their skin, eyes, and how they’re definitely the cutest type of women out there. I pointed out I liked how short they were and how I love how most of them never have to worry about weight to maintain their appearance.

My brother kind of gave me a glare, and Hana got up to excuse herself and said she needed to go to the bathroom. My brother went after her. My mom and dad said I went completely overboard and most likely made her uncomfortable. My brother came back saying that they’re leaving, and they headed off.

The next day, I got a text from my brother about how uncomfortable I made Hana and how it seemed like I was “fetishizing” her? I found this ridiculous because I was just praising her and finding her beautiful.

He proceeded to call me a creep and said I was objectifying her, and I owed her an apology. But I’ve literally been nothing but nice. I told my friends, and they agreed with me that Hana reacted too sensitively. But my parents agree with my brother that I should’ve apologized. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ and really creepy. If you wanted to pay her a compliment, you could have done what your mom did.

Say she is beautiful and kind, and leave it at that.

By pointing out every specific quality that you find attractive about Asian women, and most of them being stereotypes, and applying them to a woman who specifically mentioned how being singled out as Asian has bothered her in the past, you were completely fetishizing her.

Not to mention that this is your brother’s chick. There is a line when complimenting another person’s SO and you definitely crossed it.

Even if you think you’re being kind, there is such a thing as taking it too far.

Also, you don’t get the right to decide if someone else is “too sensitive” or not when they say you’ve offended them. Going to your own friends for validation when they weren’t even there is very disrespectful to Hana. If she or your brother told you that you took things too far and made her uncomfortable, then you need to apologize.

Period. It’s not up for debate, and certainly doesn’t require the opinions of your friends to weigh in.” FoxBun_17

Another User Comments:
“YTJ.

I get you were trying to be nice, but even reading that made me feel uncomfortable. It did sound like you were fetishizing her. I don’t think Hana reacted too sensitively at all! Could you imagine how you would feel if you were her, and someone was speaking about you like that?

Also, the stereotype there.

Ew. How most of them never have to worry about their weight? And how short they are? Not gonna lie, reading that bit made me feel a little sick. Asian women are just like all other women; they range in height, and they can and probably will worry about their weight.

I can’t even imagine how awkward that would have been. And the fact that you and your mates thought she was just being sensitive? You should definitely apologize.” Rainbowisthequeen

Another User Comments:
“YTJ.

I don’t even understand how you can think that any of your behavior here was acceptable at all.

It’s pretty obvious from your comments that you’ve got a fetish for Asian women. You took your fetish and laid it onto this poor woman in front of your family. This is a massive jerk move to Hana, as in she will never feel comfortable around you again. You might as well have told her that you were going to think of her, because that’s how she took it, and that’s how you meant it.

You should pay very careful attention to who is telling you that you were out of line and who is saying she overreacted. Literally, everyone that witnessed what you did says that you crossed the line and was being a perv. But your friends, who probably watch the same kind of adult content that you do, and didn’t see it, are saying that she overreacted.

Your mom gave her a personal compliment about her appearance by saying she was beautiful.

You did not do that; you reduced her down to nothing more than her race. You didn’t say she was beautiful; you said Asian girls were beautiful, that you loved their skin, and how they are the most beautiful race. Not only is that blatantly racist and misogynist, but it shows that you don’t actually see Hana as a real person. You don’t care that you made her uncomfortable; that doesn’t seem to bother you.

You are upset because you don’t like being called out for being creepy, and you have shown no remorse for what you’ve done. You don’t think you owe her an apology because you don’t think of her as a person with feelings. You may not like the word “fetishizing” to describe what you did, but that’s EXACTLY what you did.

At this point, even if you do apologize, I doubt Hana will ever feel comfortable around you if she ever comes around you at all. If I was your brother, I’d never let you be around her again. He should not let his little brother harass his girl.” MazerRakam

5 points (13 votes)
Post

User Image
StumpyOne 5 months ago
Oh my goodness are you ever the jerk!!! You're not just the jerk, but you're also creepy AND oblivious since you seem to not be able to comprehend how ridiculous your comments were.
3 Reply
View 2 more comments

10. AITJ For Telling My Twin Sister That She No Longer Has Me As A Brother?

“So I had a fiancé (24F), and I just knew she was the woman I’d spend my life with. She was great in every way. She and my sister clicked greatly, and they became best friends, which was huge for me because my sister and I were best friends as well, so we’d go on outings with her and her now-husband. I found out my fiancé was being unfaithful to me and blew up on her.

She cried and said the usual stuff, but I was destroyed and called off our engagement and broke up with her. She ended up getting in a relationship with her affair partner (which stands ’til this day).

Afterward, before I blocked my ex on everything as I simply forgot, I saw her post on social media a picture of her new guy happily hanging out with my sister and her then-fiancé.

I got angry at my sister and told her I thought it was wrong for her to do that. I know that she’s a grown woman, but I thought that she would be mad at her too, especially since we are so close (I mean, we are twins). She tried to explain to me that she loves me more than anyone but that she cherishes her friendship with my ex and didn’t want to let either of us go.

I ignored her after that, and she called me. We went back and forth, her trying to plead with me and me angrily refusing to see her point of view. I then told her to “have fun with your new friendship. Don’t contact me again. I’m done with you” and then blocked her and my ex on everything.

Since then, I’ve moved from our old apartment and have gotten a new one and changed my number.

My father and a few trusted friends have this info and have been instructed not to give it to my sister. My father had been telling me that my sister has been distraught and wanting to talk to me, but I was pretty adamant that I didn’t want to. He obliged.

Then, she called me on a new number and told me she was getting married and that she would love for me to be there.

I was ecstatic at first, then I remembered my ex and asked if she and her new man would be there, to which she replied that she was going to be a bridesmaid and that her man would be there too. I then told her that as of now, we are both only children (a little harsh but I was angry) and hung up the phone and blocked the number.

They are married now, but my dad tells me that she is visibly distressed and that he’s afraid it will take a toll on her marriage. I don’t want this to happen, but I am in no way over any of this. I still feel betrayed twice and don’t really want to see her at all. My biggest thing is that when her college partner (who I became friends with) went behind her back, I scolded him and cut him off and comforted her.

But when I get heartbroken by my FIANCÉE/SOON TO BE WIFE, she feels like it’s okay to mingle with her and the guy who helped break us up. It’s as if I don’t matter, and although, I love her to death, I feel a lot of hatred towards her right now.

So, AITJ for telling her that we are only children from now on and completely shutting her out of my life?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ — Honestly, your TWIN, your other half since conception, chose to support someone who intentionally hurt you deeply, broke your trust, someone who betrayed you as deeply as possible.

No matter her level of friendship, she is saying she’s okay with her friend hurting her twin on such an emotional level. She’s not considering your feelings at all in my opinion. Not only is she refusing to support you, but she went so far as to ask you to attend her wedding knowing it would hurt you further that your unfaithful ex is in the WEDDING PARTY, and the homewrecker partner will be attending as well.

Selfish. She wants to keep her friendship and her relationship with her twin and not lose anything even though it’s emotionally damaging for YOU.

I say you have every right to cut her out of your life. Don’t feel sorry for her being distraught over it; she chose it herself. I’m willing to bet your ex guilted her into taking her side, telling her you’re being unreasonable.

Your ex clearly didn’t respect you or value your love or feelings, so there’s no way she values your relationship with your twin. If the ex were truly sorry for her actions, she’d have respected the time and space needed and not attended the wedding and maybe celebrated with your sister separately so as to give you that with your twin. They both suck, to be honest.” HonorMeThis

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

My heart breaks when I read situations like this. You were not only betrayed by your sister (multiple times), but you were also betrayed by who ever gave her you new phone number (I assume it was your father).

Your sister says she loves you, but by the sounds of it, your sister, unfortunately, loves no one but herself. She didn’t want her life to change so she completely overlooked what your ex did to you and kept on living as if the love of your life didn’t completely screw you over.

Don’t feel bad about cutting your sister out of your life. You do whatever you need to do to deal with all of their (including your father) betrayals.

If anything, her marriage is already set to fail because your sister has no morals. She has shown that she accepts and approves of infidelity. If anything, this should have been a wake-up call for her husband. You are who you hang with.

If it was your father who gave your number out, I would have a stern conversation with him about boundaries and tell him it is now his decision if he has 1 child or 2.

My fingers are crossed for you that you get the support you deserve from your “family.” However, if you don’t, stay strong and move on; family is who you choose it to be.” danceallnight86

Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all, but you both are adults now, so here, why not just go on with your life, go no contact with your sister for x amount of time, where you have moved on after all this and have time to heal yourself mentally, then after a year or two, if you want a relationship with your sister, then go ahead, but make it on your terms. You can send your sister a letter explaining how she hurt you and that at the present time you want no contact with her, and if and when you decide to talk to her, then it’s on you to make contact with her, but she should leave you alone completely in the meantime.” Wise-Caterpillar8301

3 points (3 votes)
Post

User Image
MalissaJ 2 months ago
When you get to know your in laws, you grow to love them. Just because you break up, for any reason, doesn't mean your family automatically stopped loving her and started hating her. Their relationship with that person has not a damned thing to do with you or how much they love you. Real life doesn't work that way. In fact, you are letting your ex win. You have cut off your sister. You are hurting your sister and yourself and giving your ex free range with your sister. Also, real families forgive each other. If family means so little to you, that is on you. Your sisters decision to continue her friendship with your ex isn't wrong. Expecting you to be around your ex....that is a jerk move. So you both need to grow the hell up and realize that only YOU believe that you should be the center of the other's universe. You are only the center of the universe to yourself.
0 Reply
View 3 more comments

9. AITJ For Telling My Mom What Her Man Texted Me And Being The Reason They Broke Up?

Is she to blame for her mom’s breakup? Or better yet, is she the reason her mom ended a toxic relationship sooner than later?

“For context, I (20f) received a text late last night from my mom’s (57f) partner (53m). They’ve been together for a few months, and mostly it’s been good, but there have been a few fights here and there. For example, a month or so ago, he was making jabs about my mom’s weight, and that really hurt her feelings, and frankly, really made me mad.

But he apologized, and we moved past it, or so I thought.

The other morning, they were arguing before they went to work, and I asked her later that day when she got home what the argument was about. She told me he had gone through her phone, and that really upset her because it was a breach of trust. I understood, and I left it that.

However, last night, he sent me a message around midnight out of blue. It was pretty long and kind of convoluted, but he basically said that while he was surprised my mom was a “big black woman” when they first met because her photos were “so beautiful,” he’s grown to love her as a person, inside and out, the more he’s gotten to know her. Already a weird start, but bear with me.

He then went on to say that he needed me to know the truth and that my mom was actually seeing someone else behind his back and that he loved her but didn’t trust her.

Now for today, and the reason I’m asking if I’m the jerk. This morning, I showed my mom the message, and she got really angry and showed me proof that he was lying and that he went through her phone for 5 hours straight while she was sleeping and found nothing but messages to an old hookup from 6 months ago before they got together.

He then pretended to be my mom to this guy and see if he could get info out of him, which was really weird in my opinion, and also, he got nothing.

She ended up breaking up with him for trying to come between us and lying to me about her, but I don’t know if I was out of line for telling my mom or potentially being the catalyst to their breakup, even if he was lying.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“Why would you ever think you were out of line for this? Seriously?

Barring some situation that seems not to be in play here, your loyalty of course is to your mom, not her rando man of a few months? Even if you thought he WASN’T lying, you would not be out of line for telling your mom and showing her the text. Because he has no reason whatsoever to be texting you at all, LET ALONE texting you at midnight, LET ALONE texting you spilling info about his and your mother’s relationship.

Even if he wasn’t lying and she WAS being unfaithful to him, you wouldn’t be out of line for telling her.

I mean, in the end, it’s a good thing that he DID do this, sort of. It’s preferable that he texted you inappropriately so that you could warn your mother so that she could end that toxic relationship. (If he hadn’t texted you — if instead, he pursued other methods to try to isolate her from you, by trying to cut you off as much as possible from any communication with her or finding out anything about what was going on in their relationship — then she would have been subjected to his abusive tactics for that much longer.)

Absolutely nothing good would come from keeping something like this, private or secret.

These are the kinds of secrets you should NOT be keeping, especially not from a loved one.” eregyrn

Another User Comments:
“Ew. What on Earth? NTJ. Honestly, this sounds very similar to a situation I found myself in.

I was best friends with a guy for 10 years. We finally confessed we had feelings for each other. He moved back home, so we could be together. Decided on his second day home that he was going to move right in with me, unbeknownst to me.

I was too timid to say no. He announced it to his entire family. He moved in then immediately, demanded we get a new home because my home had housed an ex. Ok- so we move. He then began stealing my phone and doing the same exact thing. All he found was a meme I sent to a male friend from a year prior to him moving home saying “happy hump day.” He was nuts.

I finally kicked him to the curb. Unfortunately, we were then on a lease together, so he made my and my daughter’s lives a living heck for a few months while I showed the house and got someone to take over our lease, so I could finally get away from him. It was pure heck. He began seeing a well-known addict and call girl. Had her in the house constantly.

I began couch surfing with my child. Fun times.

You saved your mother and yourself from what would have been heck. Kudos to you, babe.” notyouravgbelle

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

He sounds like a narcissist. Can’t say for sure as I don’t want to diagnose him, but commenting on your mom’s weight is a huge red flag and also gives me flashbacks of dealing with someone who used to do something similar.

You did the right thing and so did your mom. It’s clear he was trying to drive a wedge between you, so he can isolate your mom from her own family and get closer to her. That message he sent you was none of your business, and he crossed a huge line. He seems so paranoid about your mom being a two-timer; it makes me think that he was the one who actually being unfaithful, but I could be reaching. Still a little traumatized from dealing with a habitual liar, lol. Either that, or he wanted to sleep with you himself, which could also explain why he’s confiding in you about your mom’s infidelity. Either way, he’s a loser.” enterlevide

3 points (3 votes)
Post

User Image
Nef05 5 months ago
NTJ - Look a few moves down the road. How long would it have been before he tried to tell your mother you were coming on to him? You were being set up. He wanted to see if you would tell. If you didn't tell next steps were on deck. You absolutely did the right thing.
1 Reply
View 1 more comment

8. AITJ For Telling My Brother-In-Law He's Worthless?

“My older sister (we’re 4 sisters: 29f, 27f, 24f (me), and 23f) has been with her husband for 8 years total, and they’re married for 3. They also have twins who turned 2 last month, and they also have a newborn.

Her husband used to be really nice at first until we all realized he’s a spoilt mama’s boy who expects everything served on a silver platter.

Example one: He won’t ever let his parents babysit the kids because he doesn’t want to exhaust them, but he always expects my sisters and my parents to babysit whenever needed. My sister has tried talking to him about it, but he doesn’t listen.

Example two: I was a bridesmaid at my sister’s and his wedding. My two sisters were also bridesmaids. And my sister’s bff was the maid of honor.

They also had a wedding planner. We were all advised to make sure guests honor wedding etiquette, and we were specifically warned by my sister, the bride, to watch out for her mother-in-law because she could turn up in white. Anyone who wore white, we were advised to tell them to either change or escort them out. The mother-in-law at the ceremony wore a nice green dress, but to our surprise, wore a beige one, to the reception which was so bright that looked white.

The maid of honor and wedding planner kindly told her to either change back into the green dress or leave. The groom then told them both off and told them to leave his mom alone and that she can do as she likes.

Example three: He barely helps my sis out whether with the childcare or the housework. He works a job but that’s all he contributes.

He’s not available emotionally or physically for my sister, and whenever she asks him for help, he tells her to ask us (her sisters and parents) instead. Also when she gave birth to the new baby, he only drove her to the hospital and then left and went home to play video games while having “dumped” the twins on us.

I had enough two days ago when I had plans to go out with my partner, and last minute, my brother-in-law calls me to notify me he’s dropping the kids off until my sis comes back home because she’s grocery shopping.

I told him I can’t and that I have plans. He told me he’s near my house, so I should postpone them.

I told my sister that I really want to help her the best way I can, but I can’t be responsible because her husband refuses to be. She told me I’m putting her in a difficult position and that I need to understand. I then told her that I can’t be expected to always put my life 2nd because her husband chooses to be worthless.

I’m now getting lots of backlash from my sister and my parents about what I said. My other sisters agreed and are on my side, but my parents and older sister are all mad at me. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You are seeing things from a ‘step back,’ so it’s more clear to you.

I’d say try and speak with your parents either alone or with the sisters that agree with you and share your concerns…

because the bottom line is if she continues to allow the treatment/behaviors now – it will only get worse. If they do not agree or see your point (maybe too old school about marriage to want to admit the issues), then say:

“I am sorry you cannot see my point, and I don’t want to argue. That being said, I ask you to respect that I feel this is a very big problem that will only get worse, so I will be handling things differently with them from now on.

I would appreciate you not belittling nor blaming me for my choice of not enabling HIS poor treatment & contribution to their marriage/family any further.”

If you are feeling really strong, speak to sis privately, tell her how much you love her, and you will always be there for her – yet you love her so much you can’t and won’t be an enabler to him to treat her poorly.” Babsgarcia

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Listen, I HAD a brother-in-law like this. I think all of us stepping up all the time allowed them to band-aid their relationship and keep having kids. I think if we had all stepped away, my sister would have broken, and the relationship would have ended before it got so bad that everyone was exhausted. The way it finally ended is we DID all step back, FINALLY, and my sister broke HARD.

There was a divorce, and it was very difficult because my sister looked like a mess after doing everything for so long. I wish, looking back, we’d all just stayed out of it and let that ship sink before it got so bad. It’s one of my biggest regrets.

I think you need to tell your sister that you can no longer behave like sister wives and have all your sisters step back.

Tell her that her husband needs to step up as a partner, or she needs to realize what life will be like without all of you bailing them out. OR this will keep going on until you all have families and kids of your own and HAVE to step back, and she might be on kid number four, not have a job, be really, really tied to him even more.” crystallz2000

Another User Comments:
“”Errr no sir.

I’m busy. I don’t care if you’re 50 meters or 50 miles away. You need to make other arrangements. It is not happening.”

Should’ve been your response to that or words to that effect. Then leave him at the end of the drive all day if needs be. That is certainly how I would’ve handled such a demand in those circumstances. You were under no obligation whatsoever to assist especially at such short notice for the most mundane of reasons, especially so given that it interrupted pre-made plans and caused you significant inconvenience.

Whilst what you said was far from a nice thing to say. It sounds like there is some basis and merit towards it and the truth hurts sometimes. So it is only right you called him out and told your family you no longer want to deal with this anymore. The guy certainly isn’t worth your time and seems never to appreciate how much you do help out when you do…

NTJ.” A-Purple-Lagoon

2 points (2 votes)
Post


7. AITJ For Purposely Destroying My Friend's Manicure?

If you can’t pay for her work, then she’ll get rid of the work right before your eyes. Fair enough.

“I’m a home-based nail tech, and one of my friends reached out to me wondering if I could do this very extravagant Christmas set. She wanted them very long, sculpted with acrylic, rhinestones, hand-painted nail art, and asked if I could custom make some Christmas tree charms.

The total for all this would come to around $275 and would take almost all day. I told her the price, and she replied with, “Great, thanks!”

I was beyond excited to work on her because I love doing OTT sets, and my clients rarely ask for them.

Fast forward to this afternoon, she comes to my house and I walk her to my nail table. I ended up working on her nails for five hours.

After putting on her final top coat and sticking her hands under the lamp to dry, I ask if she’d like to pay with bills, card, or on Venmo.

She laughed and said she thought they’d be free since we’re friends. I told her no and that she needed to pay. She refused multiple times.

As soon as she took her hands out of the lamp, I grabbed them and my clippers and cut off most of the length, leaving them not much longer than her natural nails.

She started screaming at me and demanded I redo them. I told her no and asked her to leave. She stormed out and drove off.

All her friends are messaging me saying that I’ve ruined the event she needed the nails for and that I’m a terrible person.

I never told her that she’d be getting the set for free.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When someone steals something from you, you take whatever that thing is back.

If she wasn’t gonna pay for the nails, then you were right to “take them back,” essentially. Real friends are more than happy to pay for services because they want to support and nurture their friend’s business. Fake friends expect free crap for 5 hours worth of work, 5 hours that could’ve been spent on PAID work. You lost 5 hours of your life and 275 dollars because you “friend” wanted to be a stingy jerk.

I don’t think you should keep her around.” t8r_tot

Another User Comments:
“Probably against the grain here, but ESH.

You were fine up until the end; you could have gone to court with your texts or whatever and been fine. But you physically assaulted a client in your place of work.

People seem to be overlooking the fact that you grabbed both of her wrists in one of your, examples, while she -struggled- no less, and forcibly altered her body against her consent.

Sure it’s only nails, but you’d get in serious trouble for this if she went to the police! We learn to keep our hands to ourselves as toddlers for a reason.

Imagine if it were a hairdresser who just snipped off a client’s pony tail with a pair of scissors because they tried not to pay. It would have been a huge issue! And what about if it was a man who held the woman down and assaulted her?

Dump the friend, and never ever do that again, and be grateful she doesn’t press charges.

And lament that you daredn’t take her to small claims now.” WolfKaiserin

Another User Comments:
“ESH. I don’t know why I need to tell another adult this, but don’t ever lay hands on a “customer,” paying or otherwise, unless it an extreme situation whether your safety or another’s (highly dependent on exact scenario) is in danger. I don’t see how you could have done what you did without physically restraining her in some way or form, even for a second, which is a big no no in well pretty much any civilized place.

If she has refused to pay, you should have asked her to leave, call the cops/follow up through small claims court, or whatever it the proper legal route in your area, and there certainly would be one and stop being friends with the person. Instead you tried to bring to life some revenge nonsense, and I guarantee this is not the last you heard about this.

You’ve just created an unnecessary headache for yourself and for what gain? Vindication? You didn’t get paid; you aren’t going to get paid now. I mean, you can’t clip her nail and still get payment for it, and if someone like her is that pathetic to pull crap like this on someone that her thought of as friend, you think she going to let your crap slide?” OpenMessage3865

0 points (2 votes)
Post

User Image
StumpyOne 5 months ago
I think you're NTJ. BUT I would've filed a claim against her in small claim court. I also would insist "friends" should pay in advance from now on unless you're absolutely secure in knowing they'll pay. You took a risk cutting them off since it could've become physical. She's an ass. If someone runs their mouth at you after you explain she committed theft of service, then they're NOT a friend, NOT worth your time and can piss off.
2 Reply
View 1 more comment

6. AITJ For Telling My Roommate That Her Parents Are Wealthy?

“This happened before campus closed, but we usually, my roomie and I get along. We are good friends, and we talk a lot. This is the only fight we have gotten into. We were talking about college tuition, and it is pretty expensive. I have a scholarship, and my parents are helping out, and I will still end up with some debt.

I was complaining about tuition and expenses.

She agreed with me but said her parents paid for everything and that they probably saved up for it. I agreed, and we dropped the subject, but she again brought it up later. She said a middle-class family could probably save up for college, and I said it was unlikely because of how expensive it is. She said her parents also had saved up enough for her sister’s education, and she graduated from a private college.

I told her that was a lot of tuition and that my parents had great jobs, and even they were struggling. She got pretty defensive and said I was just exaggerating. I told her that I would give her actual figures, and she agreed to it.

I did the research and sent her the link. Her parents probably paid over $400K in tuition fees for both of them, and I also pulled up the median net worth and income in her statement and presented it to her.

She was shocked, and I honestly think she didn’t realize how expensive it is. She went on about how her parents raised them in a middle-class area, and they didn’t have luxuries or anything. She didn’t even know how much the tuition was. She also said her parents didn’t get any inheritance.

She didn’t talk to me and was really out of it before she left for Christmas.

She is very upset, and we always spent all our free time together, but she ignored me for two days. I talked to my mom about what happened, and she thinks I shouldn’t have stuck my nose in her business, and it is pretty rude to openly talk about income like I did. I have never saw her this upset before, and she seemed really stressed out.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but hopefully both of you have some takeaways here

Finances  a sticky conversation with most people, especially when there is a discussion which points out using logic and fundamental numbers that one person is way off base.

You did nothing wrong here, and it sounds like you handled telling her that she’s got a naive perspective with as much grace as could be handled.

It sounds very much like she’s lived a sheltered life on this front. Likely her parents made some financial choices to be able to save, which gave her the impression that they were “poorer” than they really were. Likely she’s processing this and trying to sort out what her situation really is and may even be a bit embarrassed about some things she’s assumed/discussed.

Hopefully, this has opened her eyes to a more realistic view of the world.” No-Policy-4095

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s incredibly privileged to not know how much your tuition costs and to be comfortable with that fact. Your friend needed a reality check. Privilege isn’t necessarily a bad thing unless you refuse to acknowledge that you have it. Sure, most people think it’s a bit rude to talk about finances, but that’s not true for every friendship.

It’s better she learned about this now and not later at a new job or something. People who are ignorant and defensive about their own privilege tend to rub others the wrong way. Also, you said she agreed to you looking up numbers. I’m sure she thought those numbers would prove you wrong.

If you want to salvage the friendship, you could apologize for pushing the topic, but she probably just needs some time to process what she learned.

College is fricken expensive. I’m super fortunate that my parents helped pay for part of it (and I went to a private college like your friend’s sister), but I also graduated with student loans that I had to take out on top of scholarships, grants, a work study, and my parents’ help. I think it’s much healthier for college students to know what their education costs; it helps put a lot of things into perspective, and it can help get you out of that student bubble.” Breadcrumb-Forest

Another User Comments:
“Slight YTJ.

Sounded like you were just trying to prove a point.

You’re not privy to her family’s finances. For all you know, they could have skrimped, saved, and invested to be able to send their daughters to whatever university they chose to attend. They could have consciously made a decision to save for their kids’ education and spent decades working towards a goal.

If they invested 1k a month for 20 years, assuming a rate of c7%, it’s very possible that they would have saved enough by now. That doesn’t mean they are wealthy.

Also middle class is a range; just because your family is middle class and couldn’t afford it doesn’t mean her family isn’t middle class because they could.” fgvkfea615

0 points (2 votes)
Post


5. AITJ For Telling My Daughter That Her Not Wanting Kids Is Why I Wanted More Kids?

“I (42 F) was a teen mom. I got married only a few weeks after I turned 18, and I gave birth to my daughter Kiara (24 F) the week before I was 19. I was a baby myself, and I resented my circumstances, especially after my husband died. The only light in my life was Kiara at that time. It was me and her against the world.

When Kiara was 13, she told me she didn’t want to have kids because she was scared they’d have a childhood like her. That hurt me, but it’s her choice, and I told her so. I started taking her to an afterschool “health” class (her school didn’t offer one), so she could learn how to be safe, so she wouldn’t be in a similar circumstance to me.

She repeated the sentiment over the years even though she knew I didn’t like hearing it. But that’s ok; it’s her choice. Nobody will force her.

I got remarried the year Kiara graduated, and my husband and I have been trying to have more kids. A few months ago, I found Kiara crying really badly in her room, and she told me she was pregnant by her fiancee.

She told me it happened because she stopped taking her birth control. I know she didn’t want kids, so I offered to take her to the clinic, but she just got more upset. I offered to take her to see a psychologist cause she was so sad, but she refused. She was insistent on keeping the baby even though she admitted that she still didn’t want kids and did not feel forced by her fiancee.

So my husband and I decided to help her instead of having our own kids (I don’t want a baby and grandbaby of the same age or a grandbaby older than my baby).

Her pregnancy was terrible on her, and she told me many times this is also why she never wanted kids. A month ago, Kiara had a really bad argument with her fiancee, and they broke up.

Then a week ago, she miscarried. She’s been inconsolable, and I know exactly how she feels; I’ve been had a miscarriage twice. I’ve stayed by her side and taken time off work to do so. I’ve been very sad too because it hurts to see my baby in so much pain and not being able to help, but I’ve been holding in all my own feelings because they’re not important right now.

Then yesterday during breakfast, she asked me if my husband and I were going to have kids now that she was never going to. I was taken aback and I tried not to answer it because I don’t know. She kept pressuring me, and I cracked and admitted the only reason I ever wanted to have more kids was that she never wanted kids and I wished she did want them.

Kiara said some very nasty things and called me a jerk. I’ve felt so terrible I said that to her during such a bad time in her life, but I’ve also never lied to her, and I don’t know what she was expecting me to say. My husband assured me I just had a stress break, and I feel like he’s right, but Kiara didn’t say a word to me over breakfast today.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

This is a delicate situation because you have your own personal desires of having grandchildren, and she doesn’t want her own kids. In my opinion, there’s nothing wrong with you wanting to have more children in order to raise the likelihood of having a large family. The important thing is that you never put the pressure on Kiara to fulfill that desire for you. That’s A+.

Kiara pressuring you to talk about your personal aspirations in regard to pregnancy/child-rearing when she was feeling emotionally volatile was a poor choice on her end. It’s not like you were going and telling her all of your plans while she was mourning. She pushed you to talk about it and then lashed out when you were honest.

So, because you were not pushing for Kiara to have children so your dreams of a large family could be fulfilled, and because you kept your plans to yourself while she was having a hard time, I don’t think this is really your fault.

It’s your prerogative to have more kids if you’re not done having children around. If she’s upset by that, she needs to talk to a professional about her feelings and how to cope with them, not get mad at you for living your own life how you want to.” CitrineGhost

Another User Comments:
“This is a weird situation, honestly. Is the only reason you wanted to have more kids because you wanted something little to take care of and raise (like, say, a grandkid), and your child ended up not wanting to produce one of those? And then when she ended up changing her mind because of circumstances, you changed yours so that you would have the capacity to raise her kid with her? And then her miscarriage left you in a grey area because you don’t really have the conviction you had before?

I’m sure someone has stronger opinions than me on this, but I don’t think you’re a jerk here, to be honest, except maybe in the way you phrased it.

You didn’t have to tell her that you only wanted more children because she wouldn’t give you grandkids; you could have phrased it in a, “I didn’t think I could be there for you with kids of my own, so I decided not to have any more, but now that there isn’t a grandchild to raise, time has passed, and things have changed for me, so I need to think about it more with my partner, especially since it’s been taxing for it to be so hard for me to conceive.” The way you phrased it makes it sound like you blame her baby turmoil for your lack of further offspring, which is unfair and jerk-ish, to be frank.

However, she is also having a really crappy time of it, so she pushed you to answer before you could really think about your phrasing. So maybe you sounded like you blamed her more than you actually do. That’s a conversation to be had when tempers die down. But you also really need to talk to your husband. Having a baby should be something you both want and have the conviction to go through with regardless of your daughter’s circumstances.

And yes, things could turn on a dime again, and you could both end up pregnant somehow. But you both are going to need to be in a good place in order to be there for each other, so clear the air first.

I think between all of your miscarriages and both of your crappy relationships to pregnancy and childrearing, neither of you is in a place to be good to each other.

But you need to make your choices because they’re your choices, and her the same. And deal with it when you get there.

NTJ.” ThrowingIntoTheEther

Another User Comments:
“YTJ.

Have children based on whether or not you want children. Don’t put the burden of your decision on your daughter.

And have children only if you want children, not as some sort of proxy-grandchildren.

Plus, your daughter is still very young. She’s got probably two decades to consider her life and see if she has reached a place where she might want children. Or not. Right now, between breaking up and a miscarriage, she’s not in a place to be really considering these issues – she needs time to heal, physically and emotionally.” Jazzlike_Humor3340

0 points (2 votes)
Post

User Image
lyly 5 months ago
You've had to live with years of her tormenting you by saying her childhood was horrible and made her not want to have children. We all seem to be ignoring that huge elephant in the room.
7 Reply
View 1 more comment

4. AITJ For Giving My Husband The Silent Treatment?

“I (30F) and my husband (30M) recently moved into this neighborhood in this small town, and we’re not loving it. The whole town gives off extremely cult-ish vibes to be honest.

But we’re stuck here for a bit because of work, so we’re sucking it up.

Anyways, our neighbors are… interesting. They’re super religious and very uptight. They give off extreme classist vibes and are just fake all around.

They have around 6 children, and the youngest is a boy around the age of 13 or 14. Let’s call him James. My husband and I often hear James playing guitar in his backyard almost every day when his entire family is gone. We didn’t think much of it, but he’s quite good.

Well, the other day, my husband was hanging out in the backyard when he found a sort of opening in the fence separating us and the neighbors, and after further investigation, he realized that James sneaks into our backyard and hides his guitar behind our shed.

We know it’s his guitar because the both of us can’t play instruments, and we’ve seen the kid with the guitar. James is a skinny kid, so it’s definitely possible for him to get through the opening.

My husband was really upset. He said that the thought of someone sneaking into our backyard gave him the creeps, and he didn’t want the kid to do it anymore.

I agreed but I also felt bad for James. I suggested we talk to James while his family was out, and I was also planning on telling James to hand us the guitar when he wanted to hide it instead of sneaking into our yard.

My husband got mad at this and said it wasn’t our responsibility to keep his guitar safe and that we needed to tell his parents so that they can keep him out of trouble.

We were still discussing what to do, but I got an important call from work, so our convo ended as I had to leave. I assumed we’d talk later, but my husband immediately went to our neighbor’s house and told the parents what happened.

When I found out, I was furious. Then it got worse when I noticed James crying in his backyard. I used to be that kid whose parents didn’t let her have any interests, so I really felt for him.

Ever since, I haven’t spoken to my husband unless it was regarding bills, food, etc.

He’s calling me childish and petty which is fine, but he made a decision with no regard for my opinion or for what might happen to the kid. I ignored him, which made him more upset. I told my best friend what happened, and she told me that she doesn’t agree with his approach, but I should stop with the silent treatment.

So I did, but when I tried to talk about the situation with my husband, he said I needed to get over it. He’s getting the silent treatment again.

So, Reddit, AITJ for not talking to my husband?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m kind of sick of the “people can raise their kids how they want” mentality. Abuse is abuse, and having to play a guitar in secret is heartbreaking.

I believe it’s an adult’s responsibility when they see something like this to act.

Didn’t seem like he was doing any harm by hiding the guitar in your garden, and he clearly needed to, judging by the result.

The fact that your husband used the opportunity of your phone call to go over there suggests he knew you wouldn’t approve.

Children’s social services may be able to help. I know everyone will roll their eyes and say they do more harm or something, and honestly, that might depend on the country, but where I live, the school will be notified who can monitor any changes in behavior and offer counselling or dare I say even guitar lessons as part of the curriculum.

Social services themselves can make the parents sign behavior contracts not to leave the child at home alone or investigate other potential abuse.” Rob_using_Reddit

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Having a talk with James would have been the right approach, even if you and your husband chose not to help/let him hide his guitar going forward. Then at least he could’ve figured something else out instead of having it taken away.

I really hate the silent treatment with a passion. Almost always, it’s passive-aggressive, unhelpful, and manipulative. People in committed relationships need to communicate, end of story. That being said, it’s understandable you might just not want to talk to him because he doesn’t respect anything you have to say. Having nothing to say to someone isn’t the same as simply choosing not to talk to them as a punishment.

To be honest, I actually find your husband’s actions pretty disturbing. Saying it’s not your place to get involved in the neighbor’s/kid’s lives would be one thing, but that wasn’t your husband’s actual concern. He saw a kid “disobeying” overtly controlling parents, and his immediate reaction was “we need to insert ourselves into this situation and inform his parents so they can punish him.”

Don’t get me wrong, if you guys saw him doing something actually terrible or harmful like smoking or torturing animals, by all means, put a stop to it.

A lot of people here are saying divorce him, which many others find ridiculous. Here’s the thing, though, his actions demonstrate a very controlling nature. His actions really have nothing to do with the kid. He is so offended by the idea that someone is just out there… just ignoring the authority figure in charge of them, and that just can’t be tolerated. And as far as he’s concerned, the person he’s in charge of isn’t going to tell him any different.

Arguing with your husband about this probably made it more certain he would go tell the kid’s parents. Before your disagreement, he had one reason to tell them, and afterward, two. He’s calling you childish to try to invalidate your perspective. Telling you you need to get over it is the equivalent of him just saying that he’s already made his decision and it’s final.

Some would say this is reaching, and admittedly it is purely speculation, but this pattern of behavior is pretty common with domestic abusers.

Just something to think about if you notice this type of behavior is frequent.” zomblee84

Another User Comments:
“ESH. You and everyone else on this sub appear to have assumed this kid is being abused. We don’t know that, not based on anything you’ve written. We have to make a series of assumptions to conclude it. We know he’s hiding a guitar by trespassing on someone else’s property, and we know you disagree with the religious stance of the family you live next door to – I doubt from what you’ve said that you know them well enough to really have an understanding of what their family dynamic is though.

Your role if you think he’s being abused is to call CPS, not to continue to allow break-ins to your property, not to enable him to circumvent his parents. Imagine how outraged you would be if this cultish religious family enabled one of your kids to circumvent a rule you put in place because they deemed it abusive on the basis of a series of assumptions they’d made about you over the fence.

I mean, what if he stole the guitar, and that’s why he’s hiding it? Or what if he’s allowed to play guitar in the home for a set amount of time each week but is otherwise meant to spend his time on schoolwork? He doesn’t want to do that, so he has a backup guitar that he hides outside that he can play instead of studying.

I know, both of these ideas are just made up on the basis of no other information – and yet, that’s kind of what you’ve done here. You’ve projected your own childhood onto him. And maybe you’re completely right, but unless you think it’s abuse, it still isn’t your place to do anything about it.

Your husband cops a jerk label because I do feel he should have waited for you both to finish your conversation on this.

I don’t think you had any right to talk to the kid and try to strike a deal with him though, it’s just none of your business. Unless you’re literally witnessing abuse that is. And on that note, if we’re all so sure that abuse is actually happening, you can still call CPS now. That would be the right thing to do if you’re convinced. And if you don’t call them, then I think you have to ask yourself what it was you were actually doing this for – because the only reason I can imagine to strike a deal with this kid and hide his guitar for him, presumably subverting the desires of his parents, would be if he was being abused.

Beyond that, it’s just so totally none of your business.

As for the silent treatment, it’s juvenile. That said, I’m not totally clear on what went on with your husband here, did you open a dialogue with him, and he said you should get over it and refused to discuss the matter further beyond that point? i.e. he effectively gave you the silent treatment himself? Or did he say his piece, and you went straight back to your own silence? If it’s the former, then that’s on him and not you – if it’s the latter, then it’s on you.

You need dialogue to work through this, you both need to understand where each other’s feelings are coming from, and realistically, you both need to move the heck out of that neighborhood if this is the sort of bullcrap it’s reducing you to.

I anticipate downvoting from people who “have seen this before, all the signs of abuse, etc.” And that’s fine if you have, but then surely you would agree that OP has a moral obligation to call CPS. That it is absolutely mandatory that she do so. And if she does not, then either she’s not as convinced about this being abuse as we all seem to think she should be, OR she’s a jerk for not actually wanting to do anything meaningful about it.” Rayvinblade

0 points (12 votes)
Post

User Image
UnicornMama413 5 months ago
NTJ- I am entirely weirded out by your husband's response to the kid hiding the guitar on your property. This isn't an adult making a camp in your backyard or a kid creeping around to spy on you guys. His reaction to that is over the top.

Parents have the right to raise their children how they see fit (excluding, of course, abuse). It really isn't your place to circumvent another parents rules for their family, so offering to keep it for him isn't the right answer, in my opinion and could set you up for accusations and trouble if they found out. Having a conversation with him about it and getting more of the story would have allowed you to make a better determination on whether children's services needed to be brought in...and your husband took that option away. His actions not only showed you how little he values your opinion, but also how little he cares about what happens to this boy- if they ARE as controlling and strict as you are guessing them to be, them finding out that he is not only sneaking to play guitar, has somehow gotten his hands on one he shouldn't have, trespassing (because your husband surely made that a focal point of the conversation), lying to them...and so on. His actions, if this boy IS being abused or treated unfairly, just made it worse.

I probably wouldn't be speaking to my husband either in this situation... but I would also be re-evaluating my marriage and whether this is the man for me. You won't always agree, even on big things. But he has shown that he will go behind your back to get his way, is intractable when he believes he is "in the right", and not only doesn't value your opinions but flat out puts you down. Your husband doesn't see you as a partner but as lesser than to him. Absolutely not a marriage I'd want to stay in.
4 Reply
View 1 more comment

3. AITJ For Not Being Sorry That I Didn't Believe My Daughter's Knee Was Hurting?

“I have a 15 year old daughter, and my husband is currently out of town. I have a lot of projects that need to be done in my yard, and I really needed her help.

On Friday, she told me her knee was hurting after her run, and she was limping. I told her that “it’s funny how your body always seems to malfunction when I need your help.

You can just stay in bed all day if you want” — because it’s true. She has a history of feigning ailments in order to get out of things she doesn’t want to do. She hasn’t done it much since she was around 9, but I still have trouble trusting her when she says something is wrong.

She said she would help me, and I told her we could take her to the emergency room if her knee still hurt by the time the yard work was done.

We worked the whole weekend, and she complained a lot, but I was almost certain that she would magically be better by the end of the weekend.

This morning, though, she said her knee was hurting badly, and she could hardly walk… so I took her to the emergency room. It turns out she sprained her knee. I had told her to tell them that it only started hurting today, but she said it started hurting Friday, and I was questioned.

Fortunately, nothing bad happened, but they said that due to how much she’s had to use her knee after it was injured, it will take longer to recover.

I decided to keep her home from school today, because I don’t necessarily want her telling people that I had her doing work when she told me her knee hurt. They wouldn’t be getting the full story or context, and she has a tendency to exaggerate when I do something wrong.

I do feel slightly guilty, but I told her that this wouldn’t have gotten to the point it did had she not had this history of lying. She is mad at me; she told me that she was in terrible pain all weekend and that she couldn’t believe I didn’t trust her. She doesn’t seem very interested in talking to me, but I feel like this is partially her fault for creating a situation in which I couldn’t trust her.

AITJ for not wanting to apologize?”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. 1,000,000%.

The “full story” she’d be telling is that you made a crappy assumption about her, forced her to go an entire weekend without necessary medical care, and that you tried to get her to lie to cover up your negligence. All because when she was a literal child, SIX YEARS AGO, she had issues with lying.

Yeah, I can see why you don’t want that getting out.

ETA: Also, you suck for pretending to be SO freaking morally outraged at your daughter lying to you in years past (which is, you know, actually pretty developmentally normal for kids to do) but then asking her to LIE FOR YOU to the doctors. Gross. Clearly, you’re fine with it when it benefits you.” cillianellis

Another User Comments:
“Wow, you are a massive jerk, and you sound like a terrible parent.

You didn’t believe your 15-year-old daughter because at age NINE, so 6 years ago, she faked ailments to get out of things. You didn’t trust your teenager when they were telling you they were injured and in pain because they exhibited what many consider a normal and harmless childhood behavior at age 9. I thought it was common sense that unless there is reason to believe otherwise, healthy, emotionally well-developed kids grow out of this behavior with age.

Apparently, this wasn’t common sense to you.

Even though she was in pain, she still helped you ALL weekend, and you just ignored her constantly expressing the pain she was in. What parent does that? What kind of elaborate ruse did you think your 15-year-old was up to here?

You wanted her to LIE TO ER DOCTORS about when her pain started to make yourself look less negligent (which you are, by the way, MASSIVELY NEGLIGENT).

Then you kept her home from school, so she wouldn’t tell any of her friends the situation and make you look bad.

Now, your smug butt thinks you don’t owe your daughter an apology for forcing her to do physical labor while injured, worsening her injury, and then telling her to lie to her doctors, school teachers, and friends about what happened to disguise your blatant and flagrant abuse.

Your behavior is appalling, and get ready for your daughter to go no contact with you for the rest of her life the second she turns 18.

YTJ, and as a parent, you need to do WAY better.” jmaeww

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Any rational person would get her knee checked out first rather than deciding she was a liar. You obviously care more about having a clean yard than your daughter. Lol, you shouldn’t keep calling yourself a parent because you are terrible. You know that you are terrible too because you kept her at home for the sole purpose of stopping her from telling other people how you treated her.” RedditUser

-1 points (11 votes)
Post

User Image
detu 5 months ago
YTJ to the 10th power. you don't deserve her. as a parent, when in doubt check it out. and telling her to LIE??? you're worthless.
2 Reply
View 9 more comments

2. AITJ For Uninviting One Of My Bridesmaids For Wanting To Wear Black To My Wedding?

“My wedding is in less than a month, and everything is ready. My bridesmaids will wear a royal blue color on their dresses.

One of my bridesmaids is a co-worker of mine. I picked her as a bridesmaid because she’s the closest co-worker I have. I don’t have many friends except 2 close ones. I have 4 bridesmaids in total: my co-worker, my two friends, and my sister.

My older sister is my maid of honor.

Anyway, my co-worker is from a different culture, and she moved into my country three years ago. She lost her grandpa one week ago, and in their culture, the mourning period lasts for 40 days. My wedding will be before the 40 days are over, and culturally, my co-worker claims she has to mourn and wear black. I asked her if the royal blue dress can be an exception since it’s not necessarily a bright color.

She said it will be an issue, and she doesn’t want to disrespect her culture and traditions. She asked if she can return the dress and get the same one in black instead. I said I’m not comfortable with it because she’d look out of place. She agreed and asked if she could skip on being a bridesmaid then. I asked her if she’d still wear black, and she said, culturally, she has to honor that.

I said that I’m not that comfortable with the idea of her coming to my wedding during her mourning period, so it’s best if I uninvite her altogether, so she can mourn in peace. She said I don’t have to uninvite her but simply let her wear black. I insisted it’s for the best for both of us.

My friends and my sisters told me it’s probably a jerk move to uninvite her, even if my intentions are good.

And now I’m thinking about it. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

You just have a clash of cultures.

In her culture, black is the color of mourning and should be worn for 40 days.

In yours, black is also seen as a color of mourning and can be considered to have other negative connotations, and for those reasons, shouldn’t be worn at a happy event like a wedding.

Ultimately these rules are often ignored on both sides, and wearing black at a wedding is not too uncommon, but in this case, it is specifically being worn for the reasons it is normally avoided.

Neither of you are jerks; you are just following your own beliefs, which in this case, are just incompatible. Either one of you will have to back down on following your beliefs, or you will have to come to some other agreement (such as her not attending).” nrsys

Another User Comments:
“YTJ.

You know at first, one would think difficult bridesmaid, but in this case, no, though; it starts to make you look a little bit like a bridezilla.

The girl is mourning; she is honoring her grandfather and culture. There is nothing wrong with that. Asking her to step down, that is fine; that way, she can focus more on the morning period stuff, but uninviting her from your wedding? So this is not going to be a formal affair? The male guests and groom will not be in tuxes? You know, the formal suit that most men wear that have a solid black coat and pants, along with a vest?

Op, you should apologize to your coworker for you being an insensitive jerk.

And reinvite her to your wedding that you would be honored to have her there, if only for her to cheer up and have a bit of happiness during this time of her grief.” JCWa50

Another User Comments:
“YTJ, specifically for uninviting her from the entire wedding. It’s understandable and actually generous of her to bow out of being a part of the wedding party during mourning (because she needs to focus on herself and her grieving), but she could have still come as a guest.

People wear black to weddings all the time. It’s considered formal? I can’t think of a wedding that I’ve been to when at least a couple of people weren’t wearing black. Besides, it’s her culture. And for me, I actually love and cherish my friends, deeply, and if one of my friends needed to wear black as a guest, I’d say yes.” Reddit user

-1 points (3 votes)
Post

User Image
jesi1 4 months ago
I now understand why you don't have many friends.
0 Reply
View 3 more comments

1. AITJ For Telling Any Employee That Pregnancy Is Not An Excuse For Low Productivity?

“I work in an office (due to the nature of our work and our employer, we are not working remotely right now) where I supervise a team of three people. The end of the year is our crunch time, and it means that my entire team is putting in more hours than normal and everyone is expected to answer their phones and emails pretty much round the clock (Christmas excepted, of course).

Most of my team is doing great, except for one woman I’ll call Cara. Cara told me two weeks ago that she is pregnant, and she is about 10 weeks along. The only reason she told me in the first place was because I had to write her up for not being as available as she needed to be. She was calling in sick at least once a week for the past four weeks, and when she was at the office, she was not 100% focused on her work.

She explained that she has severe morning sickness and that she has been vomiting multiple times per day, and some days she needed to take off. I agreed to work with her and told her that she can come in later and stay later if she needs to to get around the morning sickness, but she apparently is sick all day.

I made other concessions, too. I am allowing time off for doctor’s appointments and allowing her to take more frequent breaks throughout the day (apparently she can no longer eat a regular lunch, and must eat multiple times during the day?).

This all seemed perfectly reasonable to me, as long as she held up her part of the bargain and maintained her productivity during this stressful time.

Well, she has not. She has called out sick once already since then, and she has not made herself available for calls during off-hours. My other staff is staying at the office until 8 or 9 in the evening, but Cara is out by 6 and apparently goes straight to sleep when she gets home and keeps her phone muted during that time.

We have had to scramble to cover for her. Her work quality has also suffered, as apparently she has difficulty concentrating due to headaches and won’t take anything for them.

I sat her down yesterday and relayed my concerns. She acknowledged how her lack of productivity has hurt the rest of the staff but claimed that she is physically struggling a great deal. I told her that was no excuse because she is only in her first trimester and barely even pregnant yet.

I also questioned whether it was fair to other women that she was using a normal bodily function as an excuse for low productivity–this is what women fought to counteract during the feminist movement. She said she understood and would try to do better.

I told my wife about it, and she called me a jerk, saying that I have no idea how hard pregnancy can be.

I just think that it is unfair for an entire staff to pick up someone’s slack because they made a personal decision to become pregnant.

So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It sounds like she has HG. OP, you might not know what it is, but I am still recovering from it. It hits you in the first trimester, and before modern medicine, you could die from it. That’s not me being dramatic; it’s a fact.

You vomit so much that you start to dehydrate. You can fall into a coma. You can die from malnourishment. I lost over 13% of my body weight in a month’s time, was hospitalized three times, and it took me six weeks AFTER the HG had passed to get me back on track physically.

Your employee is SICK. She may have chosen to get pregnant, but she didn’t choose to get sick because of it.

Whether she really has HG or not is up for a doctor to decide, but she needs support and medical aid, not a supervisor who complains about “slacking” because they don’t understand how much of a strain her body is put under right now.

I’m going to say this loudly. You need to stop pushing her right now because if she gets a miscarriage due to mental and/or physical stress, it will be your fault.

If you’re in the USA, then that’s even worse, because the laws don’t protect sick and/or pregnant employees like they do where I live.

EDIT: Just woke up to a LOT of messages and replies. To all the women that have similar experiences, I read your replies, and I feel for you! You are all strong women and you got through it, great job!

As for the people suggesting she should go on sick leave: I fully agree.

Unfortunately, I also know that a lot of doctors will consider your symptoms “normal pregnancy symptoms” and think you are exaggerating. When I said I vomited 20+ times a day, the reply I got was, “Are you sure?” It took the doctor weeks before she (yes, she) realized how serious it actually was and only because I mentioned the weight loss. It’s a bigger problem for women not getting adequate help from doctors when we complain about “female problems.”

As for the US I mentioned: I looked up the FMLA mentioned, and the first thing I read was that this concerns unpaid leave.

For me as a Dutch person, this already makes me shudder. I also read California is the only state with paternity leave. So while there are laws in place to protect expecting parents, from my personal perspective, they are severely lacking compared to a lot of European countries.” Trania86

Another User Comments:
“YTJ.

No way a real person could be this obtuse.

For anyone curious, morning sickness does indeed last all day and varies in severity from pregnancy to pregnancy.

Pregnant women are frequently encouraged to eat small meals throughout the day instead of a few large ones to help with blood sugar, nausea, and other symptoms. Exhaustion and headaches are common first trimester symptoms.

You can’t be “barely even pregnant.” you either are pregnant or you are not.

Mandating that staff work while off duty skates very close to violating labor laws, if it’s not outright illegal.” aSeaPersonByNight

Another User Comments:
“YTJ.

Your wife is right; you couldn’t possibly know anything about pregnancy. Not to mention, it’s different for everyone; while one woman might have a very easy pregnancy, for another it might be absolute heck. If she has cancer and needed frequent time off for doctor’s appointments and sick days, would you still think you needed to “relay your concerns?” Why is this situation different just because what she’s going through is female-specific?

And it’s very, very entitled of you to tell her she’s being “unfeminist” by doing her best to work around her obviously very difficult pregnancy.

This woman is growing another human inside her body. It’s a constant and incredibly taxing ordeal that doesn’t take mornings off. She needs your support and understanding, not disdain and lectures about feminism. If you think your staff is struggling, consider this: you’re understaffed! Hire someone new to help reduce the strain on your team. There are plenty of people looking for jobs right now.

YTJ, YTJ, YTJ.” vox1028

-4 points (6 votes)
Post

User Image
Sunshadow 5 months ago
100% YTJ. it doesn't matter how far along she is or how you think "she's barely even pregnant"!!! Morning sickness is a, misnamed because it's ALL DAY sometimes. All night. B, you have no right to say she's barely even pregnant. Like how DARE you. C, morning sickness can start damn near before you even know you're pregnant. So yeah. YTJ
2 Reply
View 4 more comments

Sometimes it's obvious, other times it's not! You be the judge about who's the jerk! Upvote, downvote, and comment on your favorite stories by signing up for a Metaspoon account. Click Log In at the top right corner of this page to get started. (Note: Some stories have been shortened and modified for our audiences)