People Inquire "Am I The Jerk?" After These Dilemmas Happened

One of the biggest regrets you might have was saying or doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. At the moment, you might have thought your actions were justifiable. Later, what you did might come back to haunt you. You might be kept up late at night thinking, "Why did I act that way? Was I being unfair? Should I have acted better? Am I a bad person for having acted in that manner?" But we can't go back in time and undo things, and perhaps that's what haunts you the most. In the following, people share what they did or said that makes them second guess their actions. They ask us, "Was I the jerk in this situation?" Well, we'll let you make that decision! Let us know your thoughts; we trust your judgment. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk YTJ = You're the jerk EHS = Everyone here sucks

17. AITJ For Leaving My Son's Wedding Early After He Excluded Me From His Speech?

“I have a 23 year old son “Justin” who got married 2 weeks ago. I wasn’t physically involved in Justin’s childhood because his mom and I got separated, and I had to travel a lot for work, so his stepdad was more available than I was.

During his teenage years, Justin started having fights with me saying stuff like I prioritized work over him, that I’m a Disney parent but was never there for the hard times even though I provided for him financially, but he claimed that “it’s only because the law made me” which isn’t true at all, and I strongly believe his stepdad was feeding lies into him.

In the past 3 years, Justin started coming around, and I met his then-partner, now wife. When I heard that they were getting married, I decided to offer to pay for the venue, and Justin seemed very appreciative of it.

My wife and I attended the wedding, and all went well. Except… when Justin started giving a speech. He kept talking about his mom and stepdad, and nowhere did he mention me, not even with a single word of recognition.

I was hurt and devastated. I couldn’t help but feel this way. I tried acting normal, keeping my composure, but I felt so heavy, I decided to leave the wedding early. I went home and broke down but then I calmed down.

Justin called asking why I left so early. I said I felt sick, but he kept pushing till I told him that I got upset that he didn’t mention me or recognize me in his speech, and he said that I was being ridiculous to get upset over that.

I asked him to respect how I felt, but he argued he wasn’t going to lie to make me happy. I asked what he meant because as far as I know, part of his wedding was paid for by me. He said I was unbelievable, then hung up. I called again, and we fought on the phone after I told him that I felt unappreciated and disrespected, and he said he owed me exactly nothing, then hung up.

We haven’t talked ever since, and my wife says I went too harsh on Justin and should apologize for disrespecting his wedding and not showing support by leaving like that.”

Another User Comments:
“Yes, YTJ! You have every right to feel how you felt because those are your feelings. It sucks to feel disappointed, it sucks to feel underappreciated, it sucks to not even be a thought to be mentioned.

Now you know how your son felt all those times your work was more important than him, and he most likely felt that same feeling of devastation but experiencing it as a child.

It wasn’t your wedding; it was his wedding! It wasn’t supposed to be about you. You had an opportunity to be part of an important milestone in his life. Instead of just being there to support him, you made it about you.

Paper bills can’t buy love, and this post proves this x100! You think because you financially supported him that you deserve recognition in front of a ton of people that most likely don’t know you because you haven’t been part of his life.

You told him how you feel and got it off your chest. If you want to have a relationship with your son, you need to get over yourself and let this go.

Act like a real father for once and show your son unconditional love. Show him that no matter what, you will be there for him. If you hold a grudge over this, YTJ 150%.” Polusa17

Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I can’t believe the amount of people saying you’re a jerk.

I had a similar relationship with my father. He was always distant, and I think it was easier for him to be that way because he loved my mom a lot, and their divorce really hurt him, and that hurt me when I was younger, but age and experience have taught me that everyone goes about things their own way.

I’m my own man now, and I know he loves me in his own way, and I accept that we’re just different people. We’ve had some good conversations over the years, and I’m content with where we are at now, though I know I would not have made the same decisions he did.

You accept him for who he is, you have a relationship, you financially supported his upbringing, and you even helped pay for his wedding and he can’t even mention you at all? He sounds like a spiteful and vindictive little jerk.

NTJ, you are allowed to feel hurt. It seems like he intentionally left you out to hurt you. Baby boy might want to look into therapy to help him grow up.” beefdaggeralpha

Another User Comments:
“ESH. You WEREN’T there for his upbringing, and you DID prioritize work. That’s awful for a kid to feel. Your son, however, was a little crap stirrer by letting you pay for the whole wedding, not mentioning you at all in his speech (a simple « thank you to all my parents » or some such would have been polite, throw away, easy, and bare minimum thing to do) and then pressing you again and again the next day to get the answer he wanted – it sounds like he was itching for a fight because that’s the only way he knows how to connect with you.

I might call him if you feel like it, and say ~ “I am sorry I wasn’t around during your childhood; I wanted to make sure you had everything you could ever need or want. I realize now that that wasn’t the important thing to you [or insert whatever is true but is a true apology].” Then if he brings up your departure again, say, “I don’t want to fight with you.

I left early and quietly for my own reasons, and no one noticed anything. Can we find a way to connect that doesn’t involve conflict? I want our relationship to be different. Let’s work together to retrain our usual choreography.”

Of course, you felt hurt that you weren’t mentioned. And of course, your son was hurt that you weren’t around. You’re both hurt! Now start apologizing to each other and trying new approaches.” Reddit user

5 points (5 votes)

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BigGrandma 2 months ago
I want to add that not only do people go about things their own way but also, we all make mistakes, but we eventually grow up and realize, and are remorseful. As for 'making it all about them' (another 'trending' phrase) oh shut up! We all feel how we feel, we don't do it on purpose, and Dad has every right to be hurt. The kid COULD have at least mentioned that Dad contributed to the wedding and thanked him for it. Dad has my sympathy and I hope has learned not to open his wallet so quickly. That's pretty darn sad
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16. AITJ For Not Taking Down A Bad Review I Wrote After Being Insulted?

At what point do you draw the line between freedom of speech and respect?

“I (29f) was invited to a dinner party where we had a private chef. Now some quick background cause it’s relevant later. I am not petite in the slightest, and that’s fine; I’m working on it and have lost a lot of weight, which I’m proud of.

Anyways, the chef comes to the table and starts talking about the meal, and I am listening and kinda just vibing.

When he gets to portion sizes, he looks at me and says, “I know you’re worried about not having big portions, but I have extra food, so don’t worry.”

There was some awkward laughter from the other dinner guests, and I didn’t say anything just smiled as my cheeks burned. Fast forward to the dinner… it’s not great. It’s bland and kinda boring food, if I’m honest.

One course was literally just noodles and butter. I even turned down some courses, cause honestly, it didn’t look appetizing.

So the night goes on, and the chef reminds us to leave a review of his food. And I do. I left an honest review about the food and didn’t comment on what he said to me. Well, he replied to the comment saying his food was great and that I just didn’t have a good palate.

That kinda made me mad, so I adjusted the review to include his commentary and some other things he did like hitting on the women when their partners were sitting right next to them, etc.

This sparked a ton of other comments from past dinner party guests he’s cooked for and how he did the same thing if not worse things to them.

Needless to say, his rating tanked, and he’s been harassing the dinner host about asking me to take it down.

He claims it’s part of his “charm,” and he meant nothing by it. I refuse to take the review down, and apparently, people are canceling on him.

So, AITJ for not taking down the review and potentially ruining this guy’s career?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t agree with leaving poor reviews as personal vengeance, but this wasn’t that! This was an honest review; you had valid points and weren’t just digging up nonissues to be petty about.

And people do need to know if they’re about to hire a 1987 style insult comic misogynist as a chef!! Kind of important info. What if you were trying to impress your uptight boss or announce your engagement to your partner’s religious family or something and hired this clown? And the food wasn’t great?! Yikes.

If an honest and factual review of his behavior and food hurts his business, then that’s on him for behaving and cooking so poorly.

Not you.” Groundbreaking_Bat22

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My old boss did private cheffing on the side- I don’t know how he got customers considering some of the crap I saw him produce. There’s a big difference between rubbish food being served and food that you don’t like, and it sounds like it was rubbish food. It’s an expensive treat to hire a chef, so an honest review is a good thing to do.

Being offensive and hitting on the customers is just the icing on the rubbish cake.” GhostPantherNiall

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This chef needs to have someone calling him out for his behavior if he wants to continue having a career in the service industry. Now he knows he’s being a jerk; he can change if he chooses. Did he ever even apologize and offer to do better in the future?” beek_r

4 points (4 votes)

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jasn1 4 months ago
NTJ. I probably would have ibsulted him back and jad dinner elsewhere.But you were honest. He needed a reality check and you gave him one. Hopefully he learned his lesson on how to treat people.
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15. AITJ For Telling A Dietitian That His Weight Loss Advice Is Worthless?

“My husband has been pestering me about losing weight lately. I have gained around 8 or 9 pounds during the past couple of years due to the fact that I work more, and honestly, I have no time or energy to work out anymore. For context, I’m a doctor. I have been with my husband for 5.5 years, and we’re both 28.

He has mentioned that he wants me to lose some weight as he finds my legs too thick, and he isn’t attracted to my body since I gained weight.

I have struggled with disordered eating in the past, but I have been athletic my whole life, so I know how to lose weight. Despite having gained some weight, I’m still at a normal weight for my height.

Last week, we had some friends over, and one of my husband’s friends is a dietician. Apparently, my husband had spoken to him about my struggle (?) with weight loss, and he felt like giving me unsolicited advice in front of everyone at the table in my own house.

He started saying I should be eating a caloric deficit, a lot of protein and vegetables, etc. I mean, duh. I asked him why he felt like telling me these, and he admitted that my husband told him I have been struggling with losing weight, which I haven’t. I thanked him and said that I actually am not on a diet right now.

Later we were eating a dessert that I had made, and this idiot said, “You might want to cut down on sugar and carbs if you wanna lose weight.” I saw red.

I told him I don’t need his useless advice; everyone knows these, and it’s actually common sense, and not to mention, that I’m a literal doctor and probably know more about the biochemistry of metabolism than him. I admit now that I was maybe unnecessarily rude, but I was furious with him for giving me advice when I didn’t ask, especially on a sensitive topic.

After they had left, my husband told me I was a jerk for lashing out at a friend who had just wanted to help and whose help he had asked for.

He also said his friends who are dietitians and dentists don’t like being compared to doctors and hearing that their profession is useless. I never said it’s useless; it’s just not needed by me and definitely not when I didn’t even ask for advice. We have been sleeping separately the whole week, and he refuses to talk to me unless I apologize to his friend. So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your husband is a huge jerk.

8 or 9 pounds?!? That is not a big deal and probably less than the average person has gained in the past 2 years. It doesn’t even sound like he’s coming from a place of concern for your health. He only cares about how attractive you look.

I’ve struggled with my weight, and it has fluctuated my whole adult life. I completely understand calories, macro and micronutrients, exercise, etc.

My weight really depends upon how much stress I have in my life at the time.

About 7 years ago, I mentioned to my PCP that I was struggling with stress at work, and it was negatively affecting my weight. He referred me to a dietician, so I made an appointment and went to see her.

We talked for nearly an hour. She didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know, and some of her advice was completely wrong.

(She really pushed cooking with canola oil and eating sugary fruit-flavored yogurts for snacks. To be fair, I was living in the south at the time, where people frequently cook with lard and add sugar to everything. I don’t cook like that.)

The only useful thing she showed me was some plastic models of serving sizes for high carbohydrate foods like bread, rice, and pasta. They were much smaller than I was used to thinking of a “serving.” So that did change the way I think about my meals.

Be kind to yourself, and don’t listen to jerks.” Teacher-Investor

Another User Comments:
“ESH. Your husband’s behavior is deplorable. The things he is saying are almost unforgivable. He’s talking to his friends about how he wants you to lose weight. Because he wants that. Your husband’s friend gave you advice in public which was embarrassing and not requested or needed (although he may have thought otherwise due to your husband).

And you were overly harsh. You should probably have just said, “I’m sorry, but I’m not looking to lose any weight right now.” But it’s difficult to do that at the moment. Your anger at his friend was displaced. It should have been towards your husband. You should apologize to the husband’s friend, but your husband is the biggest jerk here and owes you a huge apology and to never mention your weight or body negatively again.

I actually think his behavior is completely uncaring and toxic and a deal-breaker. You may want to start planning your departure from this relationship. He cares less for you and your mental and physical health than he does his own attraction preferences.” Percentage_Express

Another User Comments:
“I don’t think you need to worry about being a jerk. You need to worry about your husband being controlling and overstepping so many boundaries. Just mentioning a few: demanding you lose weight, sharing personal information with someone outside of your relationship, not consulting you when it comes to involving someone else, defending his friend instead of you, demanding again that you apologize. Like wow. He is one massive jerk, and I hope you run in the opposite direction.” puttanavacca

4 points (4 votes)

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Theflamazing1 4 months ago
You shouldn't let 5 years turn into 6. He isn't attracted to you because of 8 or 9 pounds? He's beyond a jerk.
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14. AITJ For Flipping Out At My Husband For Cancelling My Job Interview?

“New account because he deleted my main.

So, this might sound petty, but let me explain.

In 2019, I could no longer work because of my physical disabilities. No company wanted to hire me for the past couple of years, and my husband said that it’s better I just stay home and not worry about working. I agreed, and he’s become the breadwinner, then… it’s like a switch that flipped because chores were 50/50, but after I lost my job, they become 100% on me (keep in mind my physical disabilities I developed).

His excuse for not doing anything to help is that I stay at home 24/7. I told him that’s not fair, especially since I suffered from physical discomfort. He made a deal with me and promised that everything will be 50/50 once I start working again. I told him I would find a job, and he laughed and said “good luck” (I remember this vividly because of the strange laugh that I never heard him laugh before).

I started looking for a job again for months but had no luck ’til my friend’s husband found me a potential job at a company that would have me work from home due to physical strains. I was so excited and felt like I’m capable again despite the struggle. They scheduled an interview with me, and when I told my husband, he looked red in the face but said nothing.

2 days ago, I found out that my job interview got canceled. I found out when my friend reached out to ask why I did that, but I said I had no idea. I checked my email and found nothing because I didn’t send anything to the company. My husband came home and admitted canceling the interview. I asked why, and he said that “this job had lots of requirements, and I didn’t seem fit to be accepted there, so to spare me the heartache of being rejected, he just canceled the interview.” I flipped out on him and told him he destroyed my one and only chance at landing a job, but he said he was just feeling concerned about my wellbeing, I told him he probably didn’t want me to work cause he didn’t want to split house chores, and he seemed offended by that.

He threw a fit about how unreasonable and selfish I was to even consider a job without speaking to him first. I told him I don’t get involved in his work life. He called me horrible for accusing him of bad intentions, then went out to meet his friends probably to vent because one of them told me that my husband is looking out for me, but I was being cruel to him by yelling.

He has been cold-shouldering me since then, deleted my social media accounts, claiming that they’re bad for my mental health because of the negative effect some of those platforms have. AITJ for yelling at him?”

Another User Comment:
“NTJ before even reading the rest but going to continue…

So your husband is already a jerk for the above, and it gets worse with each sentence. The cleaning (because apparently, that’s easy when you have a disability), telling you that you don’t need to work, and then making a condition that you don’t have do all the cleaning if you do get a job…

then he laughs when you say you’ll get a job.

Great guy.

Still worse, not even hit the bullseye yet.

He cancels the interview. Not his interview to cancel, obviously. But his laughable excuse for doing so (there is no excuse) is that he thinks you’re not up for the task.

“Concerned about my wellbeing.” Of course he is. He’s concerned that if you get a shred of dignity and wellbeing in you, you’ll realize how disgusting of a person he is.

Can’t have that… because if you do, you’ll realize he isn’t your partner but your captor.

Then deletes all your social medias for your benefit. Sure, why not, great guy. Legendary guy.

It gets over-used, but this is gaslighting by definition. In fact, this should be the example when people look it up in the dictionary.

Your husband barely passes as a human, so maybe pass him out of your system like a bad turd.

I’ve heard divorce is quite the corrective laxative.” Mr_Ham_Man80

Another User Comment:
“OP, I know that there are enough comments asking to leave this abusive behavior, so I won’t echo.

But PLEASE message me privately, and I will see if I can help you restore your social media accounts.

Most places still archive them for a certain amount of days, and there are multiple ways to recover them. I work in IT and can try to help you get them back & protected, so he can’t do it again.

No charge.

I have been a victim of isolating narcissistic abuse & almost guarantee there is a chance that they’re not permanently deleted, and he has just changed them/unpublished them, so you can’t access them, so he can use them against you in the future. That way, he could send messages as “you” or make posts that make you look mentally unstable in effort to control the narrative.

Please let me help you try to get those accounts back before it’s too late or help you build new ones that he can’t access. I’ll even set an email up under my .com domain, so even if he gets access, we could still get you back in, if needed.

OP, I will also help you set up a professional email and a VOIP number for a job search, so that you can continue your job search without a chance of him interfering in the future.

That way you can have a separate account that he can’t access.

I have had multiple messages sent to me by users seeking the same type of help, so you are reading this post and need the same kind of help-

IE securing your digital identity, creating a separate email or bank account, securing a backup copy of documents, OR ANY type of help to covertly start helping you get out of your abusive relationship.

I have bought a domain and set up a temporary landing page with a contact form for help:


After I get the kiddo to sleep, I will work on setting up a more permanent “covert” landing page with an escape button.

For those who are messaging me about helping fund an ACTUAL solution/service, I have included my Venmo for donations on the landing page form to help pay for the backend costs it would take to provide more than just a few people escaping abusive situations with these types of services.” perfumeandsmoke

Another User Comment:
“Absolutely NTJ.

Your husband sounds abusive, controlling, and in the process of cutting you off from the outside. I know that may be dramatic, but it’s always gradual. Today, it’s your social media accounts that are bad for you; next, it will be a friend or a family member. I have been in this situation, and it’s extremely hard to get out of it; your self-worth becomes wrapped up in them, and it happens so gradually you don’t even realize it.

On top of the mental abuse he’s dishing out (not to mention financial abuse), you have a physical disability. Depending on the nature of your disability, that can already be a very isolating position to be in. Again, I can only speak from experience when I say the guilt of feeling like a burden and being unable to fully make people understand how limited you are and how much pain you’re in can weigh heavily on you. I am still working on this as I took a ‘suffer in silence’ route and found myself constantly apologising for being disabled.

Please, please take on board a lot of the comments that have been made here already and seek help/get out.” beatupcar

4 points (4 votes)

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Theflamazing1 4 months ago
Great job to those offering help. I pray God blesses you. OP, please accept help to get away from your abuser.
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13. AITJ For Taking My Oldest Child To My Sister's Child-Free Wedding?

“I’m still shocked this whole thing happened, but I want to hear some outside perspectives… so here I am.

I have 4 kids (11, 14, 16, and 19). A while ago, we all received an invitation for my sister’s wedding. That’s me, my husband, and all 4 of my kids. Her wedding was in a different country, but it was at a good time, so we could all go.

We booked everything and were all ready to go.

We got there a bit of time before the wedding. Quite literally a few days before the wedding, I was informed it was going to be a child-free wedding. Look, I have no issue with child-free weddings, but, I was a bit frustrated. I mean, if I had known it was going to be child-free, then arrangements could’ve been made so that we all didn’t have to travel.

We were all invited, so I was just annoyed that things were switched up. But, I can also understand that weddings can be stressful, and sometimes things are going to change. I spent quite a bit of time trying to find a place for my three youngest to stay during the wedding, but I sorted it all out eventually.

Okay, it was wedding day; no more changes had been made, and everything was good.

We were on our way when I got a message that my sister was excited to see ‘you two.’ I was a bit confused, because, of course, three of us were going. I just decided it was probably an error and didn’t worry. We got there, and my sister seemed very surprised to see my oldest. And not a nice ‘surprised’ either, a pretty condescending ‘surprised.’ But, again, it’s her wedding day.

She’s probably nervous; I’ll let it go. During the wedding, I couldn’t help but feel she was ignoring us… I don’t know. If none of this ever happened, I wouldn’t even care because, again, it’s her wedding, and she doesn’t have to pay equal attention to everyone. But with everything else, it just felt weird.

After the wedding, she sent me a message that it was nice to see me there, but she would’ve appreciated if I had respected the ‘child-free part.’ I replied saying I was so happy for her and enjoyed every second of the wedding, and I thought I had respected it, but if there was a miscommunication, I was very sorry.

She told me that there was no miscommunication, that I had disrespected her, and I should apologize. I basically reiterated what I had already said and didn’t apologize. AITJ?

EDIT: For those wondering about the invitation/RSVP: The invitation said, ‘Would like to invite,’ and we were all asked to RSVP by email (which I did), I had also seen my sister between this and the wedding, and it was clear she knew we were all planning to attend.

And yes, this is about my 19 year old – I used the definition of ‘child’ as son or daughter, not as under-18. Sorry for the confusion.”

Another User Comments:

So the wedding wasn’t initially child-free, and they just decided that it was a couple of days before the wedding AFTER you’d traveled with all of your kids when she’d initially invited everyone? That’s messed up. Your sister needed to communicate that it was child-free well in advance if that’s what she wanted; that’s not the kind of thing you spring on your guests last minute.

Also, a 19 year old isn’t a child. So you didn’t take a child to a child-free wedding.

Honestly, I don’t know what your sister was thinking. This whole affair sounds like a mess.” cillianellis

Another User Comments:
“I’m sorry, at nineteen, your oldest “child” is old enough to vote, get drafted, sign a legal contract, or be prosecuted as an adult. If I, as your nineteen year old was originally invited and then was dismissed at the event as a “child,” after traveling to a different freaking COUNTRY for the freaking wedding that I had RSVP yes to… yeaaaa.

I would be upset.

You and your adult offspring have nothing to apologize for. Send a bill for the travel expenses you incurred for your other children under the very real impression that you were all invited. (Don’t expect to be reimbursed, of course. But do it anyway.) Bridezilla nonsense here. You are NTJ.” LuvMeLongThyme

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I imagine you and your sister aren’t incredibly close living in different countries and that you weren’t aware long before the wedding that it is supposed to be child-free.

I think you even went above and beyond by finding last-minute care in another country for three kids! Their names were on the invitation, so there’s no reason to expect they wouldn’t be invited. And I would have made the same assumption as you about the 19-year-old, but given that it’s your sister, I probably would have also just confirmed with a, “Okay, us and 19 year old will see you there.” Not really your fault though if you two don’t talk much. Did your sister even know a few days before that you were traveling with the other kids?” MadCapHorse

3 points (3 votes)

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Jaysun 4 months ago
If 19 is a child what the hell is she calling adult??
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12. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Husband For Telling Me Nothing Will Change When I Get Pregnant?

Does this man not understand a thing or two about pregnancy?

“So me (26f) and my husband (28m), who I’ll call “Jake” for this story, have been together for 5 years and married for 3. We have recently started trying for a baby as we both felt like that was the next step in our life together, and 3 weeks ago, I got a positive test back.

We were really, really happy and told our families, and now my mom and mother-in-law want to throw a big baby shower for us. It was just super good news all around.

Well, 2 nights ago, me and Jake were getting ready for bed when he reminds me to go through the house and make sure all the lights are off. Now he can be a little lazy at times, and it has become a nightly routine for me to make sure all the lights are off that he leaves on before we go to bed.

I wasn’t feeling very well and asked if he could just do it since he wasn’t doing anything and was literally standing by the door. He then tells me, “No, this is what is expected of you every night.” I was a little hurt, but I didn’t want to fight with him, so I just did it. When I came back Jake goes on this very long and unprovoked rant saying things like, “Just because you are pregnant does not mean anything will change,” and “You are still expected to cook, clean, and do all the chores every day because how can you be expected to be a mother if you can’t handle a little work.” He wasn’t yelling or anything; he was talking to me quietly like I was 2 inches tall.

I was shocked because I had never heard him say anything like this. The rant went on for about 30 minutes before I interjected and asked, “Well, what do you plan on doing to help me with all of this?” He then got extremely defensive saying he works his butt off at his job to provide for me and what is going to be our future children.

(For context, I don’t work at the moment; my job was not paying enough to justify me going, so I am a full-time college student.) He ended by saying that it doesn’t matter how I feel physically or mentally; it is a mother’s job to push through, and if he helped and babied me, I wouldn’t be a good mother.

I got extremely upset and started yelling and I said that “I wish I would’ve known this is how you felt before I got pregnant with your baby.” There was a moment of silence before he started crying, and he left for the night to stay at his mother’s house.

He hasn’t been back yet, and my mother-in-law and son-in-law have called me berating me and saying I broke Jake’s heart with what I said, and I need to apologize immediately, and until I do, he isn’t coming home. I don’t know how to feel.

So, AITJ for yelling at my husband after he said he isn’t helping me with anything during the pregnancy because “it’s a mother’s job to deal with it”?”

Another User Comments:

Don’t apologize. He expects you to suck it up and do your wifely and motherly duties, but he is allowed to run to Mommy? Where are the expectations for him?

He may be scared about how much things will change. That’s fine. That’s normal. How he acted is not.

You may sail through pregnancy with no problems. Some women never have nausea, barely get a bump, glow for nine months, and defy logic that way.

Others get HG, get hospitalized, have complications and get put on bed rest, and generally get the short end of the stick. His first lesson as a dad: be flexible. He has no idea what the pregnancy will be like. One night, you asked him to do one thing, and he’s lecturing you about his expectations for you? Yeah. This is a hill I would die on.

No one gets to talk to you like that. It wasn’t a discussion; he wasn’t expressing concerns or fears. He lectured you about your chore list and the fact he won’t tolerate any excuses from you or modify his behavior for his wife or children. Hard no.” angel2hi

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Time for mama bear to use her teeth and claws. He has laid out what is expected of you, so now it’s time for you to do the same.

Grab paper and pen. Go through each room of the house and write down what you EXPECT of him and be extremely meticulous. Being in that room will help you think of things to document. Does he have any annoying habits? Counter measure them.

If he complains, or should I say when he complains, use his own words against him. How can he be a good father if he can’t handle a little work? Being a good father is about far more than going to work to earn the bread that pays for everything.

It’s about being a good partner and doing everything the other would do in regards to kids. Changing diapers, feedings, bathing, bedtime, school, homework, sports, etc. You should find out now just how much of a ‘father’ he intends to be. Hands-on vs armchair. I’m surprised he allows you to go to school if he expects you to be a June Cleaver type of wife.

It sounds to me like he takes zero responsibility for himself now and lays that on you under the guise of “being a good wife.” It’s only going to get worse with kids; he’s going to lay them entirely on you. He will overwhelm you then complain that you aren’t being a good mother when you need help. He doesn’t have a clear understanding of everything you do and doesn’t appear interested in finding out.

Red flags for miles, my dear.” jenmrsx

3 points (3 votes)

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Realitycheck 4 months ago (Edited)
This absolutely boggles my mind. His soapbox I get. He is entitled to be wrong about a few things. The dictatorship is not right. I would assume on a normal day, you would take care of the house because you are there, but there should be no decree of what is expected of you. Hubby's mistake #1.

However, running to Mommy and BOTH of them expecting you to apologize is crazy! MIL needs to stay out of this and hubby needs to seriously chill out. That sounds like Mommy filled his ear full of what you should be doing and you bucked up. Now, he needs Mommy to comfort him. Big baby.
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11. AITJ For Giving My Dog An Offensive Name And Then Refusing To Change It?

“I have several dogs, one of which is an American Akita. His name is Yankee. I thought it was funny, and he seems to like his name.

My sister was in the states the past two years and recently flew home with her partner in tow. The first time we’ve met him, yada yada.

I guess she never mentioned me or my dogs, but he was pretty surprised when I told him my dog’s name.

I didn’t think much of it – most of my pets have peculiar names, so I assumed it was just an overall reaction.

They left. My partner and I had dinner. Partway through our food, my sister called and asked if I’d consider changing my dog’s name. I kind of thought she was kidding, but she reiterated that she was serious.

The name Yankee had upset her man quite badly, and he found it offensive.

I basically told her to screw off and tell him to grow up, before going back to my food.

The following day, they literally show up at my door. I was kind of taken aback – apparently, they came to tell me why the name Yankee was so awful.

During this discussion, he told me it was essentially a slur used against Americans. I just kind of laughed and told him he was off his nut.

It’s not that serious.

I told him I wasn’t going to change my dog’s name – he knows it. It’d be a crap ton of work. He’s personal protection, so it could even damage his work.

They, thankfully, left, but still seemed pretty upset. Thinking back now, I’m pretty sure there’s a company with Yankee in the name? I wonder how many letters of complaint he’s sent.

Anyway, I did message my American friends just to make sure I wasn’t being a jerk.

They all agreed he was being stupid, but I know the US is huge, and it might be more of a regional thing? So I’m still not sure. I am starting to feel kind of jerk-ish for not taking him seriously when it may be a genuine issue for him.

So, I come to the internet. Two birds, one stone, I know a large amount of Americans frequent this site.

Am I am the jerk, and is this an issue in the states that I should apologize for?”

Another User Comment:
“NTJ, unless he was born in 1776. He wasn’t, was he?

Yankee was a slur 250+ years ago that was quickly turned around and used as a term of pride, for the most part. It can be used sort of as a slur in the south for people from the north, but whatever.

It’s a completely normal name for a dog, and I am sure not an uncommon one.

Just say you named him in honor of Babe Ruth or Lou Gehrig or something (two famous baseball players who played for the New York Yankees).” Rooster_Local

Another User Comment:
“NTJ – the term can be used pejoratively, but it’s not a slur. Originally, it referred to people who lived in the northeastern part of the country: NY and New England.

People outside the US use it to refer to anyone from the US.

You should have let your dog bite him. Even if the name were offensive, I can’t imagine going to someone’s house and demanding they change their dog’s name. That sounds unreal. I’d just stop associating with them. But that doesn’t even apply here because there’s nothing offensive about the name.” shizz181

3 points (3 votes)

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sedwards31717 4 months ago
Theres a whole MLB team called the Yankees. Does he picket their games? What about Yankee Candles? Yankee isnt a slur, its a reginal descriptor. Dude needs to put his musket down and realize hes in the 21st century.
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10. AITJ For Humiliating My Nephew's Math Teacher?

“I love my nephew (M17) as if he were my own. He’s a really good kid but not the best student. He’s by no means a dumb kid, but he’d much rather be spending time with his friends than doing his homework. Which I totally understand; I felt the same way at his age. However, I also want him to have the opportunity to get into college, so I’ve been tutoring him in math and physics.

Last week, I got a call from his father saying he failed his most recent test. That was a shock since he really seemed to get it when we were studying for the test. I went over to their house after work to go over what he got wrong. When I saw the test the first thing that stood out was that most of the answers were correct.

My nephew told me that he lost points because the teacher didn’t accept his work shown. My nephew then told me that his teacher wanted to speak with his parents about the test since it was a large part of his grade, and this would jeopardize it. I spoke with his father, and we agreed that I’d go in.

Last Wednesday, I met my nephew after school, and we went to his teacher’s classroom.

My nephew had told her that I was his uncle and math tutor after class, and she was combative from the outset. Accusing me of teaching him incorrectly and doing more harm than good. I’m a logistics consultant and wrote my Ph.D. thesis on high-level mathematics. Needless to say, hearing this made me rather nonplussed.

After her tirade, I asked her what exactly was “incorrect” about the method I had taught him.

She fumbled a bit, and before she could say anything, I asked her what her degree was in, what made her method the “correct” one and if she could rigorously prove that because I could prove that the method I taught would yield the correct answer. I then told her that I had a Ph.D. in an applied math field and that doing math was my job.

She was very upset and said that it was her class and that meant my nephew had to do it her way. I told her to get the math department head or if she’d rather I could go to the principal’s office instead. We ended up going back and forth for a while until a teacher interrupted. I had written out the proof on the board, and this teacher asked what the commotion was.

My nephew’s teacher explained the situation, and the other teacher looked at my proof for a minute before saying that I was correct. He apologized to me and told my nephew that he’d get his grade fixed.

I went home and told my wife this, expecting her to calm me down. But instead, she told me that I shouldn’t have been so tough with her or brought up my degree and that I humiliated her in front of her colleague.

I don’t think I was in the wrong since my nephew’s teacher was being unreasonable, but my wife is both smarter than me and the one who keeps me in line, so I’m unsure.

So, AITJ for humiliating my nephew’s teacher?”

Another User Comments:

Not because you’re wrong but because teachers have to teach their curriculum. They don’t get to decide how to teach it or how to mark it…they have to teach to do it a certain way and that’s that.

They have to look for certain things when marking. And I know how l learned math in high school – redacted – years ago is not how they teach it now.

I’m not defending it at all. Whatsoever. I 100% think they should teach lots of different methods and let students do what makes the most sense to them.

But it is how it is. Source, my dad, mom, and sister all work in education.

Also, a side note…no idea where this takes place or what your situation is like, but where I live, there’s a massive teacher shortage, and it means some classes are being taught by people not entirely suited to teach it. That may have been the case here. I’d hope not in an AP class, but I know my mom’s and my sister’s school are stretched really thin.” GraveDancer40

Another User Comments:
“My little sister in elementary had an assignment where she was asked to say how many degrees were in a “right angle.” She put 90°.

The teacher insisted it was 180°.

My sister refused to change the answer and brought out a protractor to prove it. The teacher sent her to the principal. When my parents heard about it, they flipped their lids and demanded to know why a. their daughter was being taught incorrect information and b. was being punished for refusing to accept incorrect information.

My father has a math Ph.D.

The number of math teachers who don’t actually understand what they are teaching is deplorable. I understand it’s because teaching has been made into a profession that lacks reasonable compensation or support (social or otherwise), and that is a serious issue as well, but that is still not ok. Not at all the jerk.” AniaOnion

Another User Comments:
“ESH. You were totally in the right when the discussion centered around the fact that your nephew followed a procedure that yielded the correct answer.

Where you were the jerk was throwing your degree in her face, which is also illogical as it is an argument from authority, and you did it because you very well knew that her degree wasn’t as advanced. She was the jerk for marking down your nephew for doing something in a way she did not expect. I am often surprised by my students who will solve problems in ways I wouldn’t have thought to do it, and I always follow along the chain of their logic to make sure they get credit for doing things even if it isn’t the way I would solve a problem.

Given how absolutely hard it has been to teach these past two years, and how difficult it is to get people to teach math at the K-12 level since those of us with skill in mathematics can make far more salary doing other things, one should be sympathetic.” DrPhysicsGirl

3 points (3 votes)

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Theflamazing1 4 months ago
Ntj. I feel commentators are saying you're the jerk because you're a man and the teacher is a woman. You gave her every opportunity to be pleasant and have a civil exchange. She was passive-aggressively calling you unqualified and trying to throw her authority around. She sounds like the worst kind of teacher. You are ntj at all.
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9. AITJ For Starting To Permanently Work From Home Just To Supervise My Teen Son?

“My son was an unintended pregnancy. I had him when I was 18. His mother dropped him off at my family’s house immediately after birth and ran away, never to be seen again. I raised him as a single dad with the help of my parents and extended family. He’s my everything; I love him so much.

My son has always been a very skinny person with a really fast metabolism.

Recently, though, he has started dieting… in extreme ways. I didn’t know about this until it was visually noticeable, unfortunately, due to the fact that he’s extremely good at lying and hiding things, and I was also busy with work 99% of the time. He has basically not been eating anything at all except for like an apple a day or other similar things. His weight is 88 lbs at a height of 5’3.

I called his best friend for some insider info, and she confessed to me that she was actually planning on telling me about this situation ’cause she was starting to get worried as well. She also revealed to me that the reason he is so obsessed with “being skinny” is because he wants to “look feminine.” I was shocked, to say the least after hearing that news.

I decided there and then that I was going to start working from home permanently just to be able to supervise him full-time. I wanted to make sure that he eats and gets the mental health help he obviously so badly needs.

When I confronted him, he angrily told me that there’s nothing going on, that his best friend lied, that I don’t trust him, that I’m overreacting, that this is an “overprotective parent move,” etc.

I just told him that he’s going to get help and get better whether he wants it or not, and there’s nothing he can do about it.

Right now, he’s in therapy and has a strict meal plan that I’m making sure he follows perfectly. He apparently may be suffering from gender dysphoria. He still doesn’t talk with me like he used to before all of this went down, and he’s acting kind of cold and distant and tries to ignore me too.”

Another User Comments:

But take the hint – he is telling you what this is about. This is not about eating; that’s just a symptom.

If it is gender dysphoria, you can talk to them about procedures and a long-term perspective to the options of changing gender and that it is important to stay healthy until then.

A first step would be to ask if he wants you to call him “he,” “son,” or if they want to start with other pronouns.

ACCEPT that your child might not see themselves as male anymore. Get that into your head – until you do that, you are hurting them more than you are helping.

Show your child you understand and are on their side and supportive. Get some information materials, help them get access to trans or LGBTA+ help groups. There surely are local and online resources that can help them.

Make sure your child has a trans-friendly therapist that actually understands the issues. The aim of therapy is NOT to make it go away and “heal” them from it; the goal should be to explore their needs and help your child have the life they want.

Just ignoring it and forcing them to eat will make it worse. That would just show you want to push them into the closet and are only trying to cover up the symptoms.” That_Contribution720

Another User Comments:
“Oh dear.

I’m gonna go with NTJ. Your child is suffering right now, badly. It is not pleasant for both of you, but you do what you need to do. I thought this post was going to be way different, but you are doing this so you can properly care for him and make sure he does not starve himself. It seems reasonable, though if it is that extreme, I wonder if outpatient treatment will be enough.

Is his diet being monitored by an additional pediatrician? Have other steps been taken with the therapist to potentially have your son (or daughter) express themselves more freely?

However, I need to ask: have you ever in this time assured them that you love them and will do so no matter who they are? Your kid may feel very insecure right now, even scared. Help was necessary, but you are needed too and right now everything is terrifying.

Also, shoutout to his friend who gave you the information you needed to get help. I feel like, if this hasn’t happened already, maybe ask if they have talked since she does seem supportive of your kid and whatever happens; it will likely be needed. Their relationship may not be ideal right now if she “told on him,” but I am sure that could be fixed.

Much love to you two. I hope things will get better from here on out!” ILikeSealsALot

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like your child is going through a lot of things, and you’re accustomed to being the sole caregiver. Working from home solely to supervise, as you put it, might be a bit of an over-correction, and I can see how your kid might view it as over-protective.

Sounds like you need some help – maybe like a support group for parents or therapy for yourself. You don’t have to be alone, and you also deserve to get the support you need.

Advice as a queer person myself – if your child is experiencing gender dysphoria, it’s a good sign that you aren’t completely rejecting that notion. Check out the local PFLAG chapter, or try to find some online resources. I work in a university setting and hear from lots of parents who want what’s best for their kids but don’t know how to help. Talk to other parents about it. You seem like you want what’s best for your child, but you’re a little lost yourself.” IndyCypher

2 points (2 votes)

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deev 3 months ago
NTJ. The poor kid needs you, please keep being the adult
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8. AITJ For Having My Uncle Arrested?

“So I moved into my apartment (I own) back in 2020. I keep to a very minimalist lifestyle, so I don’t actually own very much at all, but what I do own, I like it to be a good investment for the long run (relevant for later).

I ran into a plumbing issue that wasn’t easy to fix- at least not for me who knows zero about plumbing.

I called my uncle asking if he could help.

He came over with my aunt to take a look at what was going on and… I don’t like her. There are quite a few reasons: she took my grandmother’s ring despite it being willed to me, she pushes over people to get what she wants, she uses her mother’s death as an excuse — always leaving out that her father and she were, according to those who knew them then, exceptionally cruel to the mother.

My uncle used to be really great until she came along. Now he bends to her every whim. I digress.

She comes and complains that it looks like I am dirt poor. That I have minimal furnishings and that it looks “uptight.” I say I’d rather make memories than have stuff and leave it there.

Then she notices my silver box I keep my sterling flatware in. Now, this is just me.

I spent a good year or so saving to buy nice flatware. My reasoning was it will grow in value. I can pass it along to my children and it will, or can, last a long time.

She starts asking me what’s in it, and I brush her off. She keeps on, as she does, and I say it’s heirlooms (not true but still). She keeps on and on, and I break saying it’s flatware.

She then asks me how many places settings, and I say I can’t remember. She goes on to say she has this “small” dinner party and can she borrow it, and I say no. She pouts the rest of the time.

They leave with my uncle saying he needs a few tools and a specific part to fix my plumbing, and he will come back later. I thank him and say bye.

We arrange for about a week later for him to come back with a key I left in the lockbox since I would be working.

I come home. I look around. My darn silver box is missing, and I know EXACTLY who took it.

I call the police, I give all the information, and show them photos I took for insurance. Long story short, my box was in their dining room when they showed up, and my uncle is arrested for theft.

My aunt keeps calling me screeching at me that I am horrible for this and going to burn for giving him a criminal record. I say she should have thought about that before she made him do that not being able to take no as an answer. The silver itself is a rarer pattern and not easily replaceable. She threw my comment back in my face saying, “I thought you wanted memories? It’s just stuff.” I hung up on her.

Here’s where I think I am the jerk: my uncle only did it because of my aunt, in my opinion. So I am effectively punishing someone who wouldn’t have done it without the influence. Then I get mad all over again and think what a breach of trust it is and feel fine.

Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even if your uncle is bending to her will, it does not excuse it.

If he did steal it, knowing your feelings and after you made your stance clear, it was still wrong.

You are free to make your own choices, but you are not free from the consequences of them. That applies here for certain.

Your aunt is absolutely entitled and selfish, with no respect for anyone, let alone her own husband. Her actions threw him under the bus, and she made you out to be the villain to shift the blame in her own messed-up mindset.

You were absolutely within your right to make the police call. Unfortunately, both of them should have been arrested for it.

Don’t let pity cloud your judgment when it comes to your uncle. Because if he is willing to steal on her behalf, then he is completely under her heel. Only he can save himself. Not you or anyone else.

That’ll probably be the hardest thing you gotta accept.

Because at this point, he is absolutely untrustworthy.” CompetitiveTart476

Another User Comments:
“ESH – your uncle because he stole something out of your house, which is wrong, your aunt because she stole your ring, and generally seems to treat you like trash, not to mention fuelled this whole thing, and you because you called the cops on your uncle before you even bothered calling to talk to him like family.

If you were comfortable calling him to come to your house and help you with your errands, then you should have had the courtesy to call him and confront him before getting him arrested for theft. You said yourself that you have insurance, so even if your uncle refused to give them back, and the items did go “missing,” you would have gotten a payout. At least in my book, I’d rather go invest in another rare set of silverware and cup off my uncle than give him a life-long criminal record because I was being petty.” Reddit user

2 points (2 votes)

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SunnyDuckling611 4 months ago
I think OP did right by calling the law. A criminal is a criminal. Stealing from family, in my opinion, is lower than low.
Tbh, there's a chance it wasn't even him who actually took it. OP wasn't there, he very well could've brought his wife with him again, and she's the one who physically took it. Either way, both are in the wrong, either he brought her when she wasn't supposed to, let her take the flatware, and was willing to take the blame for her. Or she told him to take it, and he made the decision to do as she said. Either way they both had a hand in it. They probably collectively decided to have him take the fall, thinking that if it was him in trouble, OP could be more easily guilted into dropping it, as opposed to it being his wife, knowing OP wouldn't likely drop it in that case.
Everyone who says OP should've called and spoke to them first "because their family" y'all sound like enablers. Family didn't matter to them when they stole from OP, why should OP care now?
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7. AITJ For Telling My 16-Year-Old Brother That He Can No Longer Live With Me?

Yikes, that’s harsh.

“My little brother (16) has been living with me for a little over a year now. Our parents kicked him out when he came out, and I couldn’t not take him in; he’s my baby brother.

My partner set a few ground rules when he moved in: no parties, his rent would be our weekly grocery bill, and if he could look after our 2 children (6 & 10) while we’re both working late, that would be amazing, and there would be no guests in our home.

He agreed to all of these conditions and was holding up to them very well until recently.

My brother recently got a new partner who we have met a couple of times, and he seems really, really sweet, but we don’t know really know him that well. Anyway, my partner and I were working late the other night, and he called me to find out if his partner could come around, and I told him I’d rather he didn’t be around my girls while we were not there.

He seemed fine with it, and I thought nothing of it.

However, when I got home, there was his partner, sitting on the couch with him. I didn’t disturb them because his partner seemed emotionally distressed (he was crying), and when he left, I asked my brother what happened. Apparently, his partner just found out his parents are divorcing. I told him I was sorry for his partner, but I asked him not to have him over around my daughters until we were home, and just because they were asleep, doesn’t change the fact because anything could have happened.

We got into a bit of an argument with him defending himself, and I ended up telling him I felt extremely disrespected and worried for my daughters because that wasn’t our agreement, and I have no idea how many times he’s had people in the house without permission. I told him, unfortunately, he’s going to need to find another place to stay; I have kids to look after, and they come first.

We don’t take much rent off him, and he’s got $15,000 in his bank account; he’s not running a risk of being homeless. I told him he had until the end of March to find a place, and until he does, his regular duties stand. He started crying and apologizing and asking if he could stay, so I told him I wasn’t disowning him like our parents; he just can’t live here anymore.

My husband says I was a complete jerk, and I need to tell him he’s allowed to stay. He said he called first, so he’s most likely never had anyone else over without permission, and he’d be a pretty bad partner if he wasn’t there as support. I feel like I may be the jerk because my husband is usually tight on the rules, and even he’s willing to bend them for this…

so… AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

I understand your concern, but you’re overreacting.

He’s sixteen, and he pays rent (all groceries for 5 people is a considerable amount), plus he’s doing child care frequently, which is considerable value too.

Despite this, he does not have any visitation rights, which is unusual.

I totally understand wanting to protect your kids.

He may not even have thought he broke your rule since his partner was on the couch and not with your kids.

While that wasn’t what you meant, what you say here would arguably make him in compliance with your rule.

And even if he broke the rule, it’s once. You have reason to believe it’s a first offense since he called first, and your daughters have never told you about any earlier transgressions.

Plus, his partner’s parents just announced a divorce. That is a major crisis of a scale that happens less than once in a decade.

Not exactly run-of-the-mill stuff.

All in all, I think you need to make up your mind about how to treat him. You’ve set restrictions on him (no visitors, no parties) that are akin to treating him like a child or a young teenager. But you’ve made demands on him (paying groceries and working as a babysitter for rent) that are more in line with treating him like an adult.

And the “first offense and you’re out” is harsh even by adult standards.

Honestly, I know you’re trying to do the right thing here by taking care of your kids first and your brother too if you can, but I genuinely think you underestimate how much your brother means to your kids. I doubt he’s just a babysitter to them, so while you need to maintain order and limit his friends’ visits while you’re away, I recommend you try to help nurture their relationship as long as it can be healthy for all of them.

I recommend you let your brother stay. And to help him get over this exacerbation of his abandonment trauma, I strongly recommend apologizing to him over this.” PetrogradSwe

Another User Comments:

Despite being a KID, you charge him rent which he pays. You say you can’t afford another person so that’s why, yet he’s saving you in child care. Do you pay him for that? He’s responsible enough to save $15,000.

He watches your kids for you. He hasn’t had any prior issues with rule-breaking that you absolutely are sure of.

His partner had a traumatizing experience, and instead of making an exception, you kick your brother out?

You don’t know if he’s had prior people over period, and you are punishing him for perceived bad acts that can’t be proven.

Is there something wrong with his partner? Or just because you don’t know him? Or is because he’s gay? Surely, your brother has enough sense to ensure your kids are safe.

If he doesn’t, then why do you leave them with him? You either trust his judgment or you don’t.

If you gave a crap about your brother, you’d make an exception and let him stay. If you want to punish him for having his partner over without permission, then make the punishment actually fit the crime. And maybe get to know your brother and his partner, so you feel comfortable with him in the house.” PotatoLover-3000

Another User Comments:
“You are not only the jerk, but you are a freaking monster.

So let me get this straight, your parents kick your brother out for being gay, and you take him in with the conditions that he doesn’t behave like a teen, have friends (FRIENDS!!!) over, pays 150+ a WEEK, and watches your children. And this is your brother we are talking about, not just anybody?

Then, he gets a partner and never brings him in. Not once. An emergency happens (THEY ARE 16! A divorce is a freaking drama!), and the partner has a meltdown.

He only brings his partner in after your children are asleep, respecting your wishes as much as possible even in an emergency. AND YOU STILL WANNA KICK HIM OUT!?

The boy behaves like a normal boy and not a 30-year-old for one single day and even does it selflessly, and you wanna punish him? And your argument is telling him to his face that your children come first? For bringing his partner around ONCE? And have him cry in your sofa, not do anything inappropriate?!

You are punishing your brother and treating him as an adult. You are forgetting he is a child.

You disgust me so much. YTJ, YTJ, YTJ!” Itsabunny

1 points (3 votes)

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jesi1 4 months ago
What exactly do you think will happen to your children if he has friends over? You trust your brother to live in your house and to watch your children when it is convenient for you, but you believe that he would let something harm them if he weren't alone? You are definitely your parents daughter. Shameful.
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6. AITJ For Not Telling My Best Friend That I Went On Vacation With His Dad?

It’s more awkward than anything.

“I’ve known my best friend and his dad since 2018. My best friend and I met at college (he was a freshman, and I was a junior at the same university). My first impression of his dad was that he was a very nice and cool man. Never spent any time or talked with him one-on-one, though. I also had a partner at the time.

My best friend’s dad is divorced.

In the summer of 2021, I went through a really messy breakup. Due to that, I started spending a lot of time at my best friend’s house (he lives with his dad; their place is huge, so he really doesn’t mind this arrangement at all). My bestie was always there for me during this extremely difficult time. While at my best friend’s house daily basically, I started hanging out and chatting with his dad involuntary.

I discovered that we actually had a bunch of things in common.

My best friend threw a New Year’s Eve party at his house. His dad was there as well. One thing led to another, and we ended up hooking up. It was amazing. Starting with the following day, we began seeing each other in romantic settings and texting/calling daily. I didn’t tell my best friend about any of this ’cause I knew he’d react badly, and I didn’t know where this relationship was going either, to be honest.

His dad invited me on a 2-week vacation to Thailand, and I accepted. He told my bestie that he was going on a solo trip, and I told him that I was visiting family in another state. The vacation itself was out of this world, and both of us had an incredible time together.

My best friend found out about our lie after he randomly met my mom, and she told him that I was abroad with a guy.

When we got back, he went berserk. He told us that we’re absolute traitors and that he feels extremely betrayed. I told him that I didn’t tell him because I was afraid of his reaction and that I didn’t know how to do that either. He said that he might’ve been a little bit angry at first, but he would’ve come around eventually if we would’ve been honest.

We both apologized to him, but he rejected our apology, moved out of his dad’s place, and now he’s ghosting both of us. I personally think that he went a bit overboard with this. I mean, at the end of the day, me and his dad are consenting adults, and we haven’t even been seeing one another for that long, but I get where he’s coming from too.


Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your best friend invites you to their house in order to deal with a messy breakup, is supportive, and being an all-round great friend. And you end up with their dad. You should’ve been straight up with your friend. It’s a super awkward/icky/weird/creepy as heck position to be in where your dad is romantic with your best friend. But being open and honest at least could’ve made it a bit easier to wrap your head around.

To be honest, I couldn’t even then deal with it. Dad is a bigger jerk. He should’ve put his child’s feelings first. The betrayal his kid must feel. It’s obvious your friend lives a lavish lifestyle and more than you’re accustomed to. And the dad is the source of that lifestyle. He’s basically your sugar daddy. You’ve not been seeing each other that long (New Years Eve to now is a month); yet, he’s taken you to a two-week trip to Thailand during this one-month relationship.” Sisu_dreams

Another User Comments:

Look, you’re two consenting adults, so age difference doesn’t matter at this point. What’s wrong here is that your partner… is your best friend’s dad. You’re basically his new step-mom. How could you not see how that’s incredibly inappropriate? The fact that you BOTH felt the need to lie means you knew this was the wrong thing to do, too.

Accept that your best friend is no longer your friend now, and you’re one-half of the cause he will be having a terrible relationship with his father.

You’ve made this choice, and I’m so curious as to how you expected him to react to this relationship. Whether you’re staying in this relationship or not, you’re gonna have to move on.” LunarRabbit18

Another User Comments:
“YTJ – If what you were doing wasn’t wrong, why try to hide it? By your own admission, you were too cowardly to face him with the truth and had to put two and two together on his own.

This man was there for you when you needed him. He supported you when you were down, and you have the audacity to lie to him and call him unreasonable? How abjectly selfish. If I were him, I would also feel used. Why? You knew what you did would hurt him, and your response to that was, “Screw him. I’ll do it anyway because it makes me feel better and lie to him.

I win everywhere.”

Neither you or his dad thought he was worthy of the truth because of the inconvenience it would cause you. You know what your lie told him? You don’t trust that he will support you even when you do things he disagrees with. You thought your friendship with him was that fragile. You thought he wouldn’t care enough about your happiness to work through it over time.

You broke his trust. You proved you are willing to lie as long as it benefits you. Now he has to wonder what else you are willing to lie about. “But I’m not a liar!” You might say. What does a liar do? They lie. What did you do? You lied. Even if it was only that one time, how is he supposed to believe that?

The only person you thought about was yourself.

You should take a good long look in the mirror and ask why he even should trust you. If he had been with your mom behind your back, and you found out on your own, would you trust him? People aren’t just traitors by nature. They become traitors through the choices they make. You made this choice and made yourself a traitor. Well, as long as you’re happy.” a_tyrannosaurus_rex

-1 points (1 votes)

5. AITJ For Going On Vacation When My Daughter Had A Broken Leg?

“About 3 weeks ago, my daughter Sam (19) got hit by a driver on a crosswalk.

I was scheduled to take a much-needed vacation the next day with my dear husband to Cancun for 2 weeks. We haven’t got to use our timeshare since 2020.

When I left, I just heard Sam had a broken leg and didn’t think it was that big of a deal. While I was out of town, family started calling me more and more.

My family including Sam’s sister Brig (24) made a big drama out of everything. After 4 days of this, I shut off my phone.

I come back from vacation, and Sam needed major surgery on her leg and then stomach for bleeding. She’s on my husband’s (her step-dad’s) insurance.

Brig and their father had to fly out and take care of Sam (she goes to school out of state).

Everyone is now mad at me and my husband because we held up insurance processing and Sam’s recovery.

The only thing I told my husband was that Sam was involved in a hit and run, and she broke her leg. I didn’t know anything much different in Cancun.

My husband gets mad at me like everyone else because Sam was so injured and said if he had known that, we would have never left on vacation.

I have explained my side of things and considered it a miscommunication from everyone. Everyone is calling me selfish, and now my husband is not talking to me. My stepchildren have even offered to help Sam out.

I didn’t run away to vacation, and I heard broken leg. That was that. No one said anything else before we left. Everyone is flipping out because they think I’m the worst mother ever.

I tried to tell Brig that maybe she should stop crying wolf all of the time if she wants people to take her seriously.”

Another User Comments:
“Your child had a broken leg, and you didn’t even call her. Your child had been hit by a car (a traumatic event by every standard), and you didn’t even check to make sure she was okay. Your daughter was in a HIT AND RUN, and you didn’t do so much as send her a text.

You hid the truth of what happened from your husband so that you could have your vacation time uninterrupted.

You turned off your phone. Your children were in another country, your daughter had been through a traumatic event, your daughter had her leg broken, and you turned off your phone and became entirely unreachable.

YTJ. At every juncture, you made the wrong choice. At every juncture, you made the self-serving choice.

Everyone is right to be angry with you. There will be further consequences for this kind of behavior. Please do not play the victim when they arrive. Please have the maturity, humility, and integrity to fully own what you’ve done.” QuarkWrites

Another User Comments:
“Yaaam YTJ here.

First off, your daughter gets hit by a car, and you don’t go to the hospital to check on her. Don’t call to make sure she is alright? Don’t call to ask what happened, what exactly is wrong, if she needs anything before you leave?

Then you shut off your phone! There is always a possibility of blood clots forming when you have bad enough trauma to break a bone.

There’s a possibility of more complications happening after getting hit by hundreds of pounds of a moving vehicle.

To top it off, you tell your daughter, “Well, if you didn’t cry wolf all the time, I wouldn’t have shut my phone off.”

Good lord, woman! I’m 41 years old, and if I got hit by a car, my mother would never dream of leaving to go on vacation.

She would be right there by my side to make sure I didn’t need help with anything. She would insist on being there for me to help me cook, shower, go pee, etc. She would DEFINITELY come see me just to see with her own eyes I am ok.

I seriously think something might be wrong with you. And I KNOW there’s something wrong with your priorities.” zipper1919

-1 points (3 votes)

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Ashbb 4 months ago
I’m 40, my parents are in Mexico right now for a few months. If I was in ANY kind of accident, my mom would be on the 1st flight home. Even with everything running smoothly, what kind of selfish monster turns off their phone when they have children and are out of town?! This lady is delusional if she actually doesn’t see what a massive ass she is.
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4. AITJ for Making My Partner's Family And Friends Pay To Use My Boat?

“I (28M) have been seeing Taylor (26F) for 3 years. When we first started seeing one another, I was just starting my own business. I work in the construction field. Taylor’s friends constantly told her that she needed a guy who had a “real” job. Her family didn’t like what I did, because at the time, I wasn’t making a whole lot. I won’t go into all the details, but Taylor’s friends and family were definitely not supportive of me or my business when we started seeing each other.

Well, a year or so later, my company actually blew up. Lots of people doing home updates at the time. And because of this, I’ve been blessed with enough extra pocket change to finally have some fun after sacrificing for three years. So I decided to buy a boat. We live in a warm-weather state, so I thought why not. It’s been a blast. My friends and family love it.

I take it out almost every weekend when I can. Taylor loves it too of course. But recently, she’s been asking about bringing her friends. I originally told her straight up no. And she accepted that at first. But she’s kept pestering. Last week, she asked if we could take the boat out for her dad’s (my biggest hater the whole time I started my business) birthday.

I said that she could rent it. I told Taylor I would take out her family and friends out on the boat, but they can pay a rental fee. And since none of them have the license to drive it. I’ll be the driver, and they can pay me for that time.

She got all upset saying how unfair that was when I don’t make my friends and family pay.

To which I pointed out, those are the people who supported me. So the people who supported me get free stuff. And those who didn’t, don’t. She’s calling me a jerk for this. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your boat. However, you’re 28, and she’s 26, and you’ve been together for 3 years. You say that her father was your biggest hater, and you want to be reimbursed both for the use of your boat and spending time with her family on her father’s birthday.

I think at some point, you’re going to have to decide if this relationship is going anywhere or if you’re just too upset about what’s been said in the past to move forward. It doesn’t sound like she’s ready to cut her family off, and if you get married, you’ll be marrying her family as well. Her friends – well, none of their business. Her parents – I’m a single woman with no children, so take this with a grain of salt.

A lot of people’s parents worry about their adult children being in a relationship with someone just starting their own business. It’s not as secure as a guy who is an accountant at an accounting firm. That’s not to say it can’t work or that you shouldn’t do it – it’s just to say that I don’t find it the weirdest thing in the world that her parents weren’t over the moon.

Yes, you want people around you to believe in you and support you. However, if you are looking for a partner to perhaps have children with, economic stability is important. It seems like you’ve found it doing what you’re doing and that you’re happy with it, which is great. I just think sometimes it’s helpful to try to see someone else’s point of view. Her father cares about her first and foremost – not you or how happy your job makes you.” graynavyblack

Another User Comments:

Boats are expensive. Years before current times, it cost my parents over $200 in gas for a day of boating, I can’t imagine what it would cost now. And that’s forgetting the $500 a month storage fee and boat insurance (you might even pay for Boat Triple AAA/rescue/towing for safety reasons like we did). Plus, you have to clean the boat before putting it up each time to keep the muck and saltwater from destroying the boat over time.

Add in the cost of marine-safe cleaning products, and you are constantly investing more and more into the boat.

These people never supported you. They were condescending and disrespectful and now they want a free day of boating with you driving them around!??!?

HAH! That’s a good one. They should go into comedy, but I’m sure they think that job is beneath them as well.” gabbydearest91

Another User Comments:

Them for obvious reasons. You’re kind of acting like a child, though. Do you really hate these people or are you being petty because they were jerks in the past?

If you really hate them, can’t stand them, they’re horrible people, etc., just don’t take them out. Simple as that.

If you don’t hate them, then I don’t know what kind of message you’re trying to send here or what your end goal is.

Either don’t take them out, or do; but don’t make it transactional.

But you’ve been with someone for 3 years and want to treat her family and friends like clients? That’s not healthy or beneficial for anyone. Are you trying to cause a bigger rift?” brandy8marie

-1 points (1 votes)

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Breezer2800 4 months ago
NTJ. People can call it petty and immature, but why should Taylor's friends and family reap the benefits of all of OP's hard work after putting him down and telling Taylor to find someone better for the entirety of the relationship?

Why should OP dedicate a day to driving around people who didn't believe in him or thought he'd even make enough money to HAVE a boat?

Sorry, but that doesn't sit right with me, and before Taylor gets mad over it she should consider all the emotional wounds her friends and family inflicted on OP and how it made him feel.

I mean, put yourself in his shoes.
Would you let someone who never had a nice thing to say about you or your life use something of yours?
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3. AITJ For Removing My Friend As My Maid Of Honor After Her Recent Diagnosis?

“Last year, the love of my (24F) life, my fiancée (27M), proposed to me, and of course, I was thrilled. Call me a silly girl, but I’ve always imagined my dream wedding and am so so excited to have that perfect day come true.

I asked my best friend (24F) to be my maid of honor. We have been best friends since high school, and I was her maid of honor at her wedding.

She was really happy at first but then started being distant lately. As my maid of honor, I’d hope she would be helping plan the event and sending me wedding ideas and inspo, but she hardly ever does. When I was her maid of honor, I was always sending her ideas for her bachelorette/bridal shower/dress/reception, etc., but she has barely done that for me, though. When I bring it up with her, she is involved, but she hardly initiates it and missed two of the wedding expos we were supposed to go to recently because she said she was too tired (that hurt my feelings, not gonna lie).

Recently, she told me that the reason she has been distant lately is she’s been having health problems (which she kept from me). She has now been diagnosed with MS. Of course, I now understand why she sometimes can’t make expos, if she has dr appointments, etc., and of freaking course, I am upset to hear she has a chronic illness and will support her.

But it made me wonder if she should be my maid of honor.

I am concerned that her health will make that difficult. When I told her this, she promised me that she still will be up to it; it’s not like she’ll have to be in hospital, but I’m still worried. She says she’s tired all the time, she sometimes falls over or her hands shake, has trouble walking fast, even says she needs to pee all the time.

She says the doctors told her to rest more.

All these things will make it hard for her to be my maid of honor. She won’t be able to spend as much time planning the wedding, and she might struggle on the actual day itself. What if she falls walking down the aisle or can’t stand during the ceremony or keeps needing to run to the bathroom? What if she has to go and rest during the reception? She’s supposed to plan my bachelorette, but she might not be able to put proper effort in now.

I know it’s not her fault, but it will make it hard for both of us and cause problems for the wedding.

It was a really hard decision for me cause I’ve always wanted her there as my maid of honor, but I told her she won’t be able to be anymore. She was sad but understood. Later, her husband (28M) called me, angrily saying she was having a hard time with her diagnosis and needed my support, but instead, I made it all about my “perfect wedding” and excluded her which “broke her heart.” This is NOT true, and of course, she is still invited to the wedding.

He said I’m a jerk and acting selfish. I disagree. I love my best friend, but I also do have to think of my wedding, and I think it’s fair.

So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“Holy crap, YTJ. You took away your best friend’s title, which is an honor, because she got sick. It’s not a requirement for a maid of honor to help plan the wedding, but she tried.

The classy move would be to have other bridesmaids step up given the situation, but let her keep the title. Her husband is telling you the truth – you broke her heart. You put your dream wedding over a lifetime of friendship. Can you imagine how you would have felt if she did this to you after you’d been diagnosed with an ultimately debilitating, lifelong condition?

You’re about to make a vow of being with your husband in sickness and in health.

You just showed him exactly how you treat those you love in sickness. If I were in his shoes, I really don’t think there would be a wedding.

Please work on yourself and your entitlement. Those who care about you deserve better.” teeterleeter

Another User Comments:
“So, you essentially determined what your friend needed versus speaking with her and finding out what she needed or how you could accommodate her.

You are a jerk, and this was an extremely selfish action. You don’t deserve her friendship. Someone having MS doesn’t mean they can’t be in your wedding as your maid of honor. If she is tired and can’t handle some of the tasks you’d like her to perform. She could have remained maid of honor, and you could have delegated some of those things to family or other bridesmaids.

Or asked a bridesmaid to step up and help. It’s called a back-up plan if you were that worried about things. However, as an able-bodied person, you don’t just get to decide what a disabled person needs or wants. That’s seriously messed up. You aren’t her mother. She isn’t a child. You don’t get to arbitrarily decide what’s best for her. You are thinking about you and only you.

You’re supposed to be her friend. She has MS and will likely be treated like an invalid from a lot of strangers. She doesn’t need this from her friends too. She needs support. What you did is not support. I have a chronic illness that causes me severe fatigue and pain, luckily nowhere near MS. If a friend did this to me, they would no longer be my friend. So disgusting.

Oh, and YTJ for official judgment.” PotatoLover-3000

-2 points (2 votes)

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Gamergirl13 4 months ago
You're a huge jerk in this, sorry. If she's your best friend, you should be supporting her like one. It isn't all about you in this situation. Your wedding, sure, but her health is more important, since you know, there isn't a cure.
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2. AITJ For Kicking My Mom Out Of The House For How Her Partner Reacted To My Wife's Chili?

“My mom and I have just come off of a 3-year estrangement. She and my wife hated each other from day one, just really clashed, and my mom was going through some stuff in her personal life and acting out. We mutually agreed it wasn’t fixable and that we should go our separate ways.

I recently reconnected with her at a party and told her that I wanted to try and fix things.

My wife supported this. My mom is with someone I’ll call “Rob.” I’m pretty sure they are engaged, but to be honest, I’m not 100% sure. We’ve seen my mom a couple of times since reconnecting, and I can tell she is really trying. She seems extremely anxious and too nervous to talk, so we are taking it really slow, but I do believe that is her trying.

Recently, we invited my mom and Rob over. My wife was making chili in the crockpot, and it was done, but we weren’t ready to eat. She had some tortilla chips and said that she likes dipping it in the chili and invited them to have some while we waited. Rob took some and gagged. I don’t think he did it on purpose, and he seemed embarrassed, but my wife’s chili is very sweet.

She uses maple syrup, chocolate powder, cinnamon, and brown sugar. My mom laughed, which upset my wife because she has always been smug about not thinking my wife is a good cook.

I could see my wife getting annoyed and snapped at my mom. Rob looked kind of ill and excused himself. My mom stood there for a minute in silence and then bolted after him and started banging on the bathroom door and demanding to be let in.

He was ignoring her, and she started freaking out and said she wanted to be hugged (she has some anxiety and PTSD related stuff, and he is her comfort person) Just as I got to the door to tell her to stop banging, Rob let her in, and I heard their conversation. Rob was saying they had to get out of here because he can’t eat that chili.

My mom was kind of teasing him about how, aww, you didn’t like it and telling him she served it with rice with raisins and sugar and a chocolate sauce (a lie), and he said it tasted like dog food with sugar, and he was going to have nightmares.

I saw red, and my mom was laughing. It just brought me back to how smug she used to be and how she looked down on us.

When they came out, I told her to leave. My mom got really quiet again and said it was creepy that I was standing outside of the bathroom door. She said she’s been trying, and she feels I’m looking for reasons to hate her. I told her to just go because I was too emotional to talk to her. She left willingly, but Rob told me I can’t just nitpick and kick her out and then think she is going to want to continue to put work into this relationship.”

Another User Comment:

Sorry, but your wife is a bad cook. Just accept it. It was so bad that a man who was trying to be polite couldn’t help but gag. That doesn’t make her a jerk, but her being a jerk about it when people don’t like her cooking is. (I mean, either she is a genuinely bad cook, or she intentionally sabotaged the chili just so she could act outraged when people don’t like it.

Take your pick.)

Your wife threw an absolute tantrum before anyone had done anything wrong, which you did nothing to address, and upset the guest, who then behaved like a dramatic nut herself, and you, instead of chilling out when they left the room, actually followed them just to keep the situation escalated, to the point of hanging around the bathroom like a weirdo.

Everyone in this story except for Rob acted like an absolute child.

And all this over some bad chili. Y’all have some serious growing up to do. (Cooking classes might be a good idea too.)

Edit: I may have misread the post. I read that the wife snapped at the mom, but it has been brought to my attention it may have been the op who did the snapping. And while snapping at someone isn’t an absolute tantrum, absolutely no rude response was warranted at all, and I also believe, given the mom’s reaction, that calling whoever happened ‘snapping at her’ was an understatement.” Maskydoo

Another User Comment:

That chili recipe is… Unique. But. Dude is in someone’s home, and unless you’re actually allergic or have dietary restrictions, maybe just don’t say anything, claim you’re not hungry, have whatever sides are offered, and eat after you leave. Besides, it doesn’t sound good to me, but maybe you and your wife really like it that way.

The dramatics weren’t necessary from anyone. Not mom’s partner, not mom, not from your wife, and not from you.

I get the conflict on kicking mom out, but it might have prevented an even weirder escalation. Sort of a “everyone go to time out and try again later” type of deal. Still…

Keep working on it if you want. Sounds like everyone is trying, and it’s just hard. And maybe wife uses more popular/tried recipes when people are over, and maybe mom’s partner learns some manners.” elcasaurus

Another User Comment:


You snapped immediately at your mom and didn’t even try to play nice, after making a risky dish for new guests (Rob) and not even trying to make it something that she knew everyone would enjoy. I don’t know why you expected everyone to be happy when your wife isn’t compromising at all? How can she expect everyone to like her cooking if she doesn’t even try to serve her guests something that, while it may not be specifically their favorite dish, isn’t even on a list of regular dishes that they can expect to eat? Not everyone has her exact food preferences, and this one was very extreme and specific and particular to herself.

On top of that, Rob tried to remain polite and then had a private and affectionate conversation with your mom who tried to calm him down. I don’t see how that was any of your business because they were doing their best to mitigate the situation and come back more composed and ready to try the dessert chili your wife made. That’s a lot of forgiving, polite, courteous, and considerate effort.

Why did you listen in on their convo?

I was going to say that everyone sucks, but your mom was a lot more composed than you or your wife at something that reasonably is pretty stressful and painful to expect any new guest to immediately love. I don’t understand why you’re upset at something so predictably difficult to ingest, on top of which Rob and your mom did their best to work with and not be rude about it.

It sounds like Rob and your mom are way more comfortable with each other than you and your wife.

It looks like you’re taking a lot more meaning into a normal reaction to strange food than it really is. It doesn’t mean that your mom isn’t ready to reconcile and get along. But I feel like your wife isn’t ready at all. Because this couldn’t be anything less than intentional. Especially when she is snapping and lashing out at the first opportunity instead of even trying to stay composed.” soccersprite

-2 points (2 votes)

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cijo1 4 months ago
I would have gagged too! The majority of people expect chili to be savory, not sweet. Why would someone put maple syrup in chili? I wouldn't care who it was... If someone served me sweet chili without telling me in advance, I would not ever have dinner at their house again. YNTJ but your wife is.
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1. AITJ For Wanting My Daughter To Speak English?

“Me (33M) and my wife (31F) have a 2-year-old daughter. My wife is a first-generation American. Both her parents are from Russia and speak both Russian and English fluently. My wife is bilingual as well. I, unfortunately, cannot speak Russian, but I have been doing all the apps to try and pick up the language.

My wife and I live next door to her parents, so we see them pretty much every day.

They’re great people and wonderful grandparents to our daughter. My paternity leave ended when she was about 8 months and so my wife stays home with our daughter, and her parents are retired, so they frequently spend hours at our home. My issue, though, is they all insist on only speaking Russian to my daughter all day, every day. My in-laws only spoke Russian to my wife until she was four and then she eventually learned English.

They did this because Russian is much harder, and English is easier for children to pick up.

My wife agrees with them because she really wants our daughter to be bilingual. I do too. I think it’s great that our daughter will be able to speak two languages. But my daughter is now starting to talk, and she’s only speaking in Russian. I can’t understand anything she is saying, and I feel like I’m starting to struggle with bonding.

It makes me incredibly sad that I can’t communicate with her. Anytime I speak to her in English, my wife or her parents immediately speak to her in Russian.

I voiced my concerns to my wife and then to her parents. Each time I bring it up, they tell me it’s nothing to worry about because she’ll end up learning English eventually, and it’ll be better for my daughter, in the long run, to be fluent in both.

I might just be ignorant about how to properly teach children two languages… AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Their logic is messed up. You can speak English, they can speak Russian, and your daughter will learn both languages natively at the same time. Linguistically, your daughter is in the prime time for learning languages. She’s a sponge. As long as she has interacted within the language, she will pick it up.

There is loads and loads of research proving this.

My son’s 5 now, but starting at birth, I spoke only Spanish, and my husband only spoke English with him. He has picked them both up fine and even attended preschools in both languages and excelled. We’ve moved countries ~6 months ago, and he’s now picking Swedish up quickly as well just from hearing it at preschool and will be starting elementary school entirely in Swedish in the fall.

Moral of the story: kids’ brains are way better than an adult’s ever will be. Sit your wife down and let her know that they are alienating you from your daughter and honestly putting your daughter at a detriment. Yeah, your wife turned out okay but doesn’t she want her daughter to be “better”? This will give her the opportunity to be fluent in both at the same time, no work involved.

No frustration (because yes, at 4/5 there is still frustration. They still pick languages up pretty fast, but they recognize that they are missing out on things. It is absolutely heartbreaking watching your little one get so upset due to a language barrier, upset they can’t make friends because they can’t communicate). This can all be so easily avoided by your wife simply ALLOWING YOU TO SPEAK WITH YOUR OWN CHILD.

And honestly, language benefits aside, it is beyond messed up that they think it is okay to actively work against your relationship with your daughter just so they can raise her the way wife was.” QsXfYjMlP

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a multilingual child, I get the desire (and logic) to speak to her exclusively in the native language before she goes to school and picks up English.

However, your circumstances are different, because this is to the exclusion of the other parent. Also, I learned English, and my mother tongue at the same time (and added a third language at five) – if she is exposed sufficiently in Russian, there is no need for it to be her only early language – it is absolutely possible for her to speak both and not be confused by it either (even if she may favor/be stronger in Russian, as long as she knows enough English to communicate decently, then that enough).

Please don’t let your wife and in-laws ignore your wishes. I say this as somebody who heavily values the importance of culture via languages. But this is bordering on alienation. Please speak to them and figure out a way to work this out – just because they did it one particular way doesn’t mean they cannot adjust and still accomplish their goal (daughter speaks Russian fluently) while also accomplishing yours (to be able to actually communicate with your daughter in a meaningful way).

I am not sure what they otherwise expect you to do as her father – just sit back and not be able to speak to your child?” leolionbag

Another User Comments:
“ESH – My siblings and I grew up speaking Spanish, later learned English in school, and are now fluent in both. I’m forever grateful for that. My nieces and nephews all understand Spanish but struggle speaking it because they mainly grew up in English settings, and it frustrates them that they can’t speak it fluently or sometimes can’t communicate with our Spanish-only speaking family.

I switched to speaking only in Spanish to them to help them learn it more, and it’s improved it, but their accent is very noticeable.

I think this approach is a very good one because your daughter will have a higher chance of speaking it fluently and participate in Russian-only speaking environments rather than feel the embarrassment that a lot of 2nd gen feel when they can’t speak their ethnic language.

Sounds bad, but a non-native speaker learning a language is great, but an individual within the culture not speaking the associated language or having an accent is frowned upon. I don’t participate in this, but people do experience it. Plus, even if she ends up mainly speaking Russian in her first few years, school will get her fluent in English. Her mom and that side of that family don’t want her to miss out on her culture, and neither should you.

If she’s little, I’d put the effort in learning the words she’s learning to say at least.

I think it’s messed up that you have an issue with them deciding to speak only in Russian to them when they’re trying to keep her connected to her heritage. That being said, you’re her dad and are an English-only speaker. Nothing wrong with that. You should be able to speak to her in the way you’re able to communicate, and they shouldn’t expect you to spontaneously be fluent in Russian to participate in their language immersion, and they definitely shouldn’t be trying to interrupt your conversations with your daughter just to make up for the lack of Russian spoken. Plus your daughter will also learn how to switch languages and recognize when it’s necessary to do so. I think a new conversation about language expectations is in order and make sure your concerns are heard and addressed, and hopefully, some balance can be achieved.” lobosaguila

-2 points (4 votes)

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Khat 4 months ago
Speaking another language is great, but if you're living in an English speaking country, that's the language the kid should be learning. What if she were to get lost or need help before they started to teach her English? I very much doubt people in Russia raise their kids to learn English first.
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