People Narrate Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories To Get Our Responses

"I (39M) have a son (17M) who recently got a partner. His girl is black and a very nice, kind, and beautiful young lady.

I have met her and invited her for dinner and family events plenty of times, and she’s a joy to be around. But recently, my mother has been staying with us because she is recovering from a surgery she had, and she’s going on 70 years old. so she can’t do much on her own.

Long story short, my mother is a classic racist and a raging narcissist, so she is not one to hold back from her opinions. I showed her a photo of my son and his girl, and she went on a 2-hour rant about bloodlines and kept saying they “don’t look right,” and when I said she was coming to dinner, she said she didn’t want the girl near her because it’ll “disturb her,” so last minute, I told her she could not come.

My son has been trying to invite his girl over every day since, but I said no multiple times due to his grandmother being here and her saying she doesn’t want her near her. I just don’t want any problems. But he argues that I am being “a complacent racist” by even allowing her to be here.

And even more so for not allowing her to come over to “protect a racist.” He says I should have told her to leave the moment my mother said all that stuff. But my mother is an elderly woman who can hardly make it on her own as it is. Definitely much harder after surgery. Though I don’t agree with her, I can't just leave her to fend for herself.

I literally do not know what to do. My wife says my son is right about me being complacent, but of course, she’d agree because she and my mother don’t get along well.

I know I am not a darned racist. But now everyone is saying I am aiding one by taking my mother's side. So AITJ?"

Another User Comments:

"NTJ. I’m a POC, and I’m sympathetic to your situation. I know this is the internet, so you’ll likely be told you’re a jerk for not casting your racist narc mother onto the street, but it’s your mom, and she just had surgery.

Presumably, she has nowhere else to go. She’s in a vulnerable state, and it would be wrong to throw her out at this time. At your core, I can see that you’re trying to balance caring for your mom with protecting your son’s girl from your mother’s views — does your son really think it’s a good idea for his girl to visit and risk being on the receiving end of racist maltreatment? Because I don’t.

That said, there are some things that you should/need to do in order to preserve your relationship with your son and move further from the “complacency” you’re being accused of:

1. If you don’t think it’s safe for her to come in, you need to take your son and his partner out.

Show them that you support their relationship. Honestly, depending on how close you are with her, consider also extending a delicate explanation accompanied by an apology to the girl. Make it clear that you respect her and think she’s a terrific match with your son, but you’re concerned about her well-being if she comes over right now because your mom has toxic views. Explain that your mom’s opinions do not extend to the rest of your family and you’re ashamed of the situation, but you don’t think it’s emotionally safe for her to visit right now, and that you’re sorry.

2. Set some ground rules with your mom.

Make it clear that it’s your house and her views do not align with your beliefs or your family’s values. Say it over and over again. When she’s recovered and moved out, have a separate conversation about how her racism created a toxic environment for your family and you need to step back from her. It’s hard to permanently sever familial ties but once she’s back on her feet, you need to make it clear that your family comes first and if she can’t change her ways, she won’t be allowed back in." pudgesquire

Another User Comments:

"ESH. why is your son so eager to expose his girl to a racist’s mistreatment? I don't care about Grandma’s feelings, but if her stay is temporary, why ask the girl to be around someone who is toxic in that way? I hope your son is not trying to use his girl to prove a point to his family or something.

The girl’s safety and well-being should be primary in this situation." Artistic_Chapter_355

Another User Comments:

"NTJ - you’ve got good intentions, but you’re not being creative enough with your solution. It’s far too late to convince your mom to change her opinion.

That generation tends to be stuck in their ways. You should think of an alternate solution, like maybe go out for dinner without your mother and just let your son and his girl chill out away from the grandma at home. This way, you are minimizing any interaction with the racist grandma. She will 100% say something messed up at the dinner table, at least from my experience that’s where my relatives tend to air their controversial opinions. Either way, you should definitely be letting his girl visit although I think the grandmother saying something messed up is inevitable. But the best you can do is try to reduce her chances of saying something out of line." the-floor_is-lava

Another User Comments:

"YTJ. If she’s being an overt racist towards your son’s girl, you really do need to put your foot down and tell your mother that she can either keep her bigotry to herself and leave the poor girl alone when she’s around the house, go sit in another room when the girl’s over if she’s unwilling to behave like a decent human or start considering which nursing home she’d like to go into.

She isn’t living in the year 1950 anymore, and if she wants to create a bunch of tension and drive a wedge into your family because she’s unwilling to let go of bigotry that’s clearly causing significant problems in the lives of you, your wife, and your son, she shouldn’t be living with your family." [deleted]

Another User Comments:

"Okay, so my grandma is a couple of years older than your mother, she was raised in a very conservative culture so she has some racist opinions, despite getting better with the years. When she says something out of line, we (her children and grandchildren) tell her that what she said isn’t appropriate, and why it isn’t.

You don’t really mention any mental degradation in your mother, just that she’s got no filter. I’m sorry bud but someone isn’t off the hook for racism, homophobia, and sexism when they pass the senior citizen milestone. If you refuse to tell her that she’s being racist and that you won’t tolerate these opinions in her home, instead exclude your DIL from a family event to make sure mother isn't « disturbed »… yeah, that’s being complacent to racism. Cause DIL isn’t going away, she’s a package deal with your son now. If there are family reunions where your mother will be, will DIL be asked to sit it out as well? If they have children, will all the grandkids be left out too because they’ll be mixed, or will only the white passing kids be allowed because they look acceptable to your mother (and perhaps other relatives)? YTJ." The_Death_Flower

Another User Comments:

"NTJ. You were NOT racist dude. First of all, if I was in your position, I would NOT want to subject my son's partner to my mother's racism. This isn't about protecting the grandmother to me - it's about protecting a young black woman from being around a 70-year-old woman who's simmering with vitriolic racism.

Second, as someone who's recovering from surgery myself right now - post-surgery would be the worst time to have any kind of discussion with your mom about how you want her to behave around your son and his girl. The best rational people become irrational while recovering from surgery. Trust me, while this 70-year-old is recovering from surgery is NOT the time to risk an ugly and confrontational dinner.

For now, consider having dinner out with your son and his girl if your mom is able to be alone for a few hours or if someone else is able to stay with her for the duration of a dinner out.

Third, once your mom has recovered from her surgery and is living in her own space again, then have the conversation with her about how she absolutely is not permitted to be rude/racist to your son's girl. And that if she cannot abide by that rule, then she will not be included in anything having to do with your son and his girl. And finally, as your mom gets even older, and the possibility of dementia/Alzheimer's/etc. increase, prepare your son and his girl for the reality that they might not be able to see your mom because she'll say unhinged things - and that she's your mom and so you also can't just abandon her. (Not that this should matter - but I'm a brown guy who's definitely experienced his share of racism.)" rudyjohnsonpdx