People Narrate Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories To Get Our Responses
19. AITJ For Not Allowing My Son's Partner To Come Over Due To Her Race?
“I (39M) have a son (17M) who recently got a partner. His girl is black and a very nice, kind, and beautiful young lady.
I have met her and invited her for dinner and family events plenty of times, and she’s a joy to be around. But recently, my mother has been staying with us because she is recovering from a surgery she had, and she’s going on 70 years old.
so she can’t do much on her own.
Long story short, my mother is a classic racist and a raging narcissist, so she is not one to hold back from her opinions. I showed her a photo of my son and his girl, and she went on a 2-hour rant about bloodlines and kept saying they “don’t look right,” and when I said she was coming to dinner, she said she didn’t want the girl near her because it’ll “disturb her,” so last minute, I told her she could not come.
My son has been trying to invite his girl over every day since, but I said no multiple times due to his grandmother being here and her saying she doesn’t want her near her. I just don’t want any problems. But he argues that I am being “a complacent racist” by even allowing her to be here.
And even more so for not allowing her to come over to “protect a racist.” He says I should have told her to leave the moment my mother said all that stuff. But my mother is an elderly woman who can hardly make it on her own as it is.
Definitely much harder after surgery. Though I don’t agree with her, I can’t just leave her to fend for herself.
I literally do not know what to do. My wife says my son is right about me being complacent, but of course, she’d agree because she and my mother don’t get along well.
I know I am not a darned racist. But now everyone is saying I am aiding one by taking my mother’s side. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m a POC, and I’m sympathetic to your situation. I know this is the internet, so you’ll likely be told you’re a jerk for not casting your racist narc mother onto the street, but it’s your mom, and she just had surgery.
Presumably, she has nowhere else to go. She’s in a vulnerable state, and it would be wrong to throw her out at this time. At your core, I can see that you’re trying to balance caring for your mom with protecting your son’s girl from your mother’s views — does your son really think it’s a good idea for his girl to visit and risk being on the receiving end of racist maltreatment?
Because I don’t.
That said, there are some things that you should/need to do in order to preserve your relationship with your son and move further from the “complacency” you’re being accused of:
1. If you don’t think it’s safe for her to come in, you need to take your son and his partner out.
Show them that you support their relationship. Honestly, depending on how close you are with her, consider also extending a delicate explanation accompanied by an apology to the girl. Make it clear that you respect her and think she’s a terrific match with your son, but you’re concerned about her well-being if she comes over right now because your mom has toxic views.
Explain that your mom’s opinions do not extend to the rest of your family and you’re ashamed of the situation, but you don’t think it’s emotionally safe for her to visit right now, and that you’re sorry.
2. Set some ground rules with your mom.
Make it clear that it’s your house and her views do not align with your beliefs or your family’s values. Say it over and over again. When she’s recovered and moved out, have a separate conversation about how her racism created a toxic environment for your family and you need to step back from her.
It’s hard to permanently sever familial ties but once she’s back on her feet, you need to make it clear that your family comes first and if she can’t change her ways, she won’t be allowed back in.” pudgesquire
Another User Comments:
“ESH. why is your son so eager to expose his girl to a racist’s mistreatment? I don’t care about Grandma’s feelings, but if her stay is temporary, why ask the girl to be around someone who is toxic in that way? I hope your son is not trying to use his girl to prove a point to his family or something.
The girl’s safety and well-being should be primary in this situation.” Artistic_Chapter_355
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you’ve got good intentions, but you’re not being creative enough with your solution. It’s far too late to convince your mom to change her opinion.
That generation tends to be stuck in their ways. You should think of an alternate solution, like maybe go out for dinner without your mother and just let your son and his girl chill out away from the grandma at home. This way, you are minimizing any interaction with the racist grandma.
She will 100% say something messed up at the dinner table, at least from my experience that’s where my relatives tend to air their controversial opinions. Either way, you should definitely be letting his girl visit although I think the grandmother saying something messed up is inevitable.
But the best you can do is try to reduce her chances of saying something out of line.” the-floor_is-lava
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If she’s being an overt racist towards your son’s girl, you really do need to put your foot down and tell your mother that she can either keep her bigotry to herself and leave the poor girl alone when she’s around the house, go sit in another room when the girl’s over if she’s unwilling to behave like a decent human or start considering which nursing home she’d like to go into.
She isn’t living in the year 1950 anymore, and if she wants to create a bunch of tension and drive a wedge into your family because she’s unwilling to let go of bigotry that’s clearly causing significant problems in the lives of you, your wife, and your son, she shouldn’t be living with your family.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Okay, so my grandma is a couple of years older than your mother, she was raised in a very conservative culture so she has some racist opinions, despite getting better with the years. When she says something out of line, we (her children and grandchildren) tell her that what she said isn’t appropriate, and why it isn’t.
You don’t really mention any mental degradation in your mother, just that she’s got no filter. I’m sorry bud but someone isn’t off the hook for racism, homophobia, and sexism when they pass the senior citizen milestone. If you refuse to tell her that she’s being racist and that you won’t tolerate these opinions in her home, instead exclude your DIL from a family event to make sure mother isn’t « disturbed »… yeah, that’s being complacent to racism.
Cause DIL isn’t going away, she’s a package deal with your son now. If there are family reunions where your mother will be, will DIL be asked to sit it out as well? If they have children, will all the grandkids be left out too because they’ll be mixed, or will only the white passing kids be allowed because they look acceptable to your mother (and perhaps other relatives)?
YTJ.” The_Death_Flower
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were NOT racist dude. First of all, if I was in your position, I would NOT want to subject my son’s partner to my mother’s racism. This isn’t about protecting the grandmother to me – it’s about protecting a young black woman from being around a 70-year-old woman who’s simmering with vitriolic racism.
Second, as someone who’s recovering from surgery myself right now – post-surgery would be the worst time to have any kind of discussion with your mom about how you want her to behave around your son and his girl. The best rational people become irrational while recovering from surgery.
Trust me, while this 70-year-old is recovering from surgery is NOT the time to risk an ugly and confrontational dinner.
For now, consider having dinner out with your son and his girl if your mom is able to be alone for a few hours or if someone else is able to stay with her for the duration of a dinner out.
Third, once your mom has recovered from her surgery and is living in her own space again, then have the conversation with her about how she absolutely is not permitted to be rude/racist to your son’s girl. And that if she cannot abide by that rule, then she will not be included in anything having to do with your son and his girl.
And finally, as your mom gets even older, and the possibility of dementia/Alzheimer’s/etc. increase, prepare your son and his girl for the reality that they might not be able to see your mom because she’ll say unhinged things – and that she’s your mom and so you also can’t just abandon her.
(Not that this should matter – but I’m a brown guy who’s definitely experienced his share of racism.)” rudyjohnsonpdx
18. AITJ For Not Defending My Partner After His Autistic Daughter Had A Meltdown In Public?
“My partner has a special needs daughter. She’s on the spectrum. They were in a fast food place one day when a very new baby started to cry. The crying made his daughter cry. His daughter is nonverbal and is developmentally delayed as well as has sensory issues including noise.
Anyway, when his daughter started to cry, he went around the corner to where the crying was coming from. There was a new mom tucked in a corner, trying to nurse her new baby. He brought his daughter right up to the woman and baby and said, “See, the baby is fine,” but his daughter’s crying got louder.
He asked the already visibly stressed woman to explain to his daughter why the baby is crying and noted she was autistic. The woman was hesitant but explained the baby is just hungry. His daughter continued to scream while the baby continued to scream. All around a very stressful situation for everyone involved. My man continued to stand there and asked the woman if it was OK that they hang around until the baby stops crying, so he could show his daughter that the baby is OK.
The woman refused. He got upset and stressed that his daughter just wants to make sure the baby is OK.
When he later told me about the incident, I just stared in disbelief. I asked if he didn’t think the woman was stressed enough without him hanging over her like that?
He said to me that he thinks where his daughter is special needs, the lady should have been more obliging. That’s when I said it wasn’t that woman’s job to educate his child and that he had crossed a line. He thinks I’m being inconsiderate and insensitive.
I don’t feel I am. I feel he was insensitive towards the woman and her new baby, and I feel he’s entitled for thinking the woman should have taken the time and allowed them to just stand there and watch her nurse when she clearly was trying to hide from people.
I also think it’s weird he asked if they could watch, so she could learn. If a man asked me that, I’d think he was a creep using his kid as a thinly veiled excuse to watch me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It would come across as very creepy to that lady in this circumstance.
And you’re correct, it is 100% NOT her job to be a teaching tool for daring to exist in public. In addition to that (and to be 100% clear in advance, I am NOT placing any fault on the child here), it’s hard enough to nurse a new baby, let alone in public, and adding the stress of being watched by an ALSO crying/overstimulated strange child would have had a LOT of new moms joining in with the crying kids.
Too much stress, too many hormones, not enough sleep for that crap. And finally… Everyone else in the place. This was so unfair to literally everyone just trying to mind their own business and eat. Mom was in the corner and probably would have had this under control momentarily.
But she was cornered by your partner who drew the whole thing out and probably increased his daughter’s agitation making what would have been a minor inconvenience (baby crying for 2 minutes) into a much larger nuisance. (This is assuming his daughter would have calmed down with some headphones until the baby stopped crying, admittedly.
Even if not, a few minutes of 2 kids losing it would have been exponentially better than this convo drawing it out.)” ReactionRepulsive
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If I was that woman, I probably wouldn’t even talk to him, let alone feel the need to explain the baby’s needs to his daughter.
I get that being on the spectrum makes you have some different needs than others, but he was harassing this woman to let him stay there with his daughter. She was uncomfortable with the situation, which means he should let it go. Yes, his daughter is a priority, but other people matter too.
If he really wanted his daughter to know the baby was okay, he could try to explain it himself. Not force a woman with a new baby to do it for him, let alone harass her to let them watch till the baby stops crying.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“I would have called the police honestly if I was alone with my infant and a man came up and refused to leave me alone. Don’t give a crap that his daughter was with him. Literally zero craps. It is a man towering over a defenseless person who wanted privacy because she needed to expose her chest to feed her crying child.
NTJ. I fed my baby when I needed to get out of the house. I personally always look for a quiet corner away from everyone else. Like a place where someone would intentionally have to try to get close to me. Absolutely this would freak me the heck out, I would take a picture of the jerk, and I would call the police.” hyacinth234
17. AITJ For Not Removing My Blood Sugar Monitor For My Sister's Wedding?
I didn’t know being a bridesmaid meant putting your health on the line.
“My sister is getting married next weekend and I’m a bridesmaid. I’m a Type 1 Diabetic and I wear two medical devices, a Dexcom blood sugar monitor on one arm and an Omnipod insulin pump on the other.
They’re both really small (under 2in) and work together to automatically monitor and regulate my blood sugar levels. This basically means I don’t have to prick my fingers to test blood sugar or give myself insulin injections; the system does that automatically and makes my life way easier.
Today when we were trying on our dresses, my sister told me she wants me to not wear them during the wedding because the gowns are sleeveless and the devices will look ugly in the photos. I told her I wasn’t okay removing them, they’re essential medical equipment and I’m not going to put myself in a position to affect my health just for some photos.
My sister complained to our mother and some of our friends, and they’re all taking her side. They say it’s no big deal if I just don’t wear them during the wedding, but I don’t see why I shouldn’t.
Mom suggested I could move them to my stomach, but I’ve tried that before and find it incredibly uncomfortable.
When I put a new sensor on, I’m stuck with it for 10 days until it expires and I can switch to a new one, and I don’t want to be stuck with one on my stomach where it will bother me the entire time.
They’re all complaining that I’m not willing to compromise at all, but I don’t think my health should be an area where anyone can ask that I compromise at all.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! I’m not diabetic, but I have seen firsthand how fickle blood sugars can be, especially in type 1 diabetics (I’m a nurse). I’m saddened that your family and friends do not realize how much this could affect you.
I would stand your ground and do what you feel you need to do for your health. A wedding is to celebrate the couple. While nice pictures are great, you wouldn’t be the star of the photographs anyhow, and honestly, who cares about an insulin pump “ruining” photos (it won’t ruin any photos).” Knicketty_Knacks
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: People should accept you as you are; you didn’t ask for diabetes. I think that it’s a positive thing that you are comfortable with your devices and aren’t worried about them showing. My son was so psyched when he saw a CGM on one of the girls in Turning Red, he doesn’t see people like him often, and I think it would be really nice if others could show that it’s not something you have to hide or be ashamed of.
Perhaps a compromise is getting a nice-looking cover sticker that goes around the Dexcom? Other than that I hope they can understand the trouble it causes to have to change sites and placements to somewhere the devices could be bumped off during wedding-type activities.” braillenotincluded
Another User Comments:
“As a fellow type-one with a sensor and pump duo, absolutely NTJ! I get wanting to accommodate the bride and groom but your health is 100% non-negotiable. Never, ever should you be pressured into comprising your health for another person’s benefit. Ask her: would she ask someone to remove their heart rate monitor for a photo, or for someone who couldn’t walk to leave their walking stick/wheelchair out of photos?
Probably not, right? It’s unreasonable, insensitive, and just downright ableist to ask a diabetic to go without insulin + accurate BG readings for the sake of a few pictures. If they are that fussed about how the sensor and pump look, they can pay someone to edit them out.
But even then, what kind of sister would be so embarrassed about her sibling’s condition? Idk, personally I would be incredibly insulted if my sister ever insinuated my sensor and pump were unsightly and less important than her aesthetic. You shouldn’t be made to feel bad about the pieces of equipment that literally keep you alive.” gracehm05
16. AITJ For Embarrassing My Mother-In-Law For Calling Me The Wrong Name?
“My name is Rynn. Just Rynn. Not Katherine. But ever since my in-laws met me, they have gotten the idea that my actual name is Katherine and Rynn is just a nickname. I have asked them not to introduce me or tell people it’s my name, but they always go back to it.
My husband and I took a small break from them when it continued, and they apologized and seemed to be doing better.
Then for my MIL’s birthday, we were invited to celebrate with them, and a couple of her friends came up to me and asked if I was Katherine.
They said MIL talked all about me. I decided to get a little bit jokey instead of annoyed and played up on it saying MIL is so forgetful and that I was so sorry she told them the wrong name. That I’ll need to write my name on everything she owns, so they don’t forget.
Her friends found it funny but told her it was weird that she gave them the wrong name. She and FIL came up to me close to the end of the party, and I told them to stop telling people my name is Katherine, and they need to accept that my name isn’t up to them.
They claimed I was rude and that it was awful for me to try and embarrass them in front of their friends (by joking with MIL’s friends). My husband told them they should have listened. But they are saying I took it too far, and maybe I did.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sorry, but I have to tell you, your name is cool as heck. Rynn. You sound like the awesome heroine of a YA fantasy novel whose destiny is to save the world. Onto the actual matter at hand. I think you handled it beautifully.
Very graceful, in a way that actually didn’t make them look like huge jerks, even though they were acting like them. You weren’t telling the friends that they deliberately call you by the wrong name to fit their weird name beliefs – though that’s exactly what they’re doing.
You made it seem like a funny mistake, and I’ll bet their friends never let them call you by the wrong name again. You may not have saved the world, but you did save your name.” Impossible_Disk_43
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your in-laws are purposely being hateful and dismissive and disrespectful.
They’re toxic. You have every right to correct them to whoever they lie to. You also have the right to demand and expect them to use your correct name. It’s not up to them.
This reminds me of a story with my father and aunt.
Their names were Larry and Betty. These were the legal names on their birth certificates. One of the teachers at their school would insist that they were lying when they would correct her from calling them Lawrence and Elizabeth. They brought in birth certificates, and it still didn’t stop her.
She kept insisting those nicknames were not proper names. She even had the audacity to list their names in the yearbooks as Lawrence and Elizabeth. She was in charge of the yearbook committee and could change submissions, even though it isn’t their names. It was so incredibly rude and disrespectful.
My grandfather went in and raised a lot of heck with her and the school district and demanded she be reprimanded for her behavior. They ended up removing my dad and aunt from her classes. And apparently, they did not renew her contract the next year as she wasn’t employed there again.
The point is…Your in-laws deserve to be held accountable for their actions. It’s not an accidental slip when they keep repeating their “mistakes” after being corrected several times. They’re free to choose their actions, but they don’t get to choose the consequences to their actions.
Also, they need to understand that you were being kind and respectful to them in front of their friends. You could have completely humiliated them by not taking the joking approach and told their friends the brutal truth – that they continuously lie about your name being “Kathrine” when it’s actually Rynn, and they know it is.
And you could have also pointed out they purposely lied to their friends’ faces while also disrespecting you and their son at the same time. That would have really made it a lot worse for them.” Gorgeous-Angelface
Another User Comments:
“Of course you’re NTJ, and I hate to say it, because you’ve clearly already corrected them more than you should have had to, and it shouldn’t be on you to keep doing this, but given their attempts to put it back on you and their deeply disingenuous insistence that you were being “rude” and “embarrassing” them, I would suggest ONE LAST, THOROUGH, POINTED conversation, where you sit them down SPECIFICALLY TO ADDRESS THIS, clarify the situation to an extent that they cannot possibly argue that they don’t understand, and then set a permanent boundary.
Something like this:
“MIL, FIL, I’m/we’re very distressed and confused by this whole business, and clearly, there has been a major miscommunication somewhere along the line, so we want to set the record straight once and for all. My name is not Katherine. It never has been.
I’m not sure where you got the idea that it was – whether you misunderstood that my name was a nickname or simply don’t approve of the name that my parents gave me and have unilaterally decided to give me a different one of your choosing – but the name on my birth certificate is, in fact, Rynn.
Spelled R-Y-N-N. It is not short for anything, including Katherine. I have never been named Katherine. And it is deeply distressing to me that you have persisted for YEARS in not only calling me the wrong name but introducing and referring to me in conversation with others as a name that is not mine and never has been.
You have called me rude when I have attempted to correct you, but the truth is that is not ONLY rude, but DEEPLY HURTFUL that you have doggedly insisted on renaming me, not only to my face but when you introduce me to new people, as though my actual name, given to me by my loving parents, was somehow offensive to you.
At this point, there is no pretending that what you are doing is accidental or forgetfulness. It is clearly deliberate, and it is shockingly presumptuous and disrespectful, and most of all, it HURTS MY FEELINGS TERRIBLY. Going forward, we’re going to have to insist that you call me by my correct name – RYNN – that you introduce me as such, that when people ask you my name, you give them the right one, which is not and has never been Katherine.
If you cannot do this, then I’m afraid that for my own well-being and peace of mind, I will have to take steps to correct you, often and publicly, and/or cut ties with you, since your persistent unkindness is becoming genuinely problematic.”
You are NTJ and your in-laws are being outrageously inappropriate.
And you shouldn’t have had to put up with it this long. But it’s time to stop correcting them on the fly, sit them down, and give them one last hardcore lecture… and then stick to that boundary!!” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
15. AITJ For Asking My Sister To Never Ask Me To Babysit Ever Again?
“I would like to preface that my (24f) sister (22f) and I are young mothers. She likes to go out a lot, I don’t.
Just this past weekend, she wanted to go out to dinner and asked me to watch my niece. I agreed thinking it would be only a few hours. I honestly don’t mind watching her.
However, it was getting close to 10 pm, so I called her and got no response.
I then called our parents and they haven’t heard from her either. They didn’t even know that I was watching my niece. I was getting worried, calling around and no one heard from her.
It wasn’t until the next morning, I hear a knock on my door.
I opened it, and of course… my sister picking up her daughter. I asked her where the heck she’s been and she told me she never went to dinner. She went to a PARTY with a friend and got home at midnight and fell asleep.
I told her to never ask me to watch her again. And that she signed up to be a parent, and needs to sort out her priorities. Like, she chose to party rather than watch her own child. She’s mad and hasn’t talked to me since, but she tells our parents how much of a jerk I am.
My parents are making me feel guilty for not wanting to watch her overnight. They said that I needed to help her, but I have an infant to take care of. I don’t think she told them the whole truth but I’m not sure, but AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ — She’s a young adult and I understand wanting to have fun, but she has a child and can’t do some of the things her childless friends are doing. However, since she wanted to go to a party, she knew that she was going to be gone longer than just an average time for dinner.
What she really wanted was an all-night or late-night babysitter, she should have been upfront with that. You could have planned for an overnight visit with your niece or you could have declined if that was something that you didn’t want to do or couldn’t do.
I’m sure she didn’t get home at midnight and “fall asleep.” She probably got home and passed out. She left her daughter somewhere overnight without any overnight things. If you ever babysit for her again, you will not be able to trust that she will be back when she said that she would.
If your parents are local, let them babysit for her.” Darmokcat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. One of the major problems here is that she lied and that if something serious had happened to her child, there would have been no way to contact her. Yes, as a parent, it is important to make some time for yourself (in moderation) but lying about your whereabouts and not being able to be contacted is reckless.
Chances are that you will still look after your niece at some point and your sister will look after yours (thinking emergency/special event), however, you need to set clear boundaries (set pick up time/always phone on…) and consequences, including possibly calling the police if she failed to turn up after a few hours (as some babysitters have done in the past).
If she wants to party, then she will have to ask your parents for babysitting. I would also make it clear to your parents your point of view and how her behavior was immature and reckless. She might be struggling with parenthood and need professional support.” Whatever-and-breathe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. That’s happened to me too, I worked 7 hours one day in the heat and my cousin asked me if I was able to watch her stepdaughter while she and her partner (the dad) went out to a party for a -couple- of hours… it was getting so late, and they weren’t coming home.
I ended up in tears by the time they got back, but they were only coming back to grab something and go again, I was like nope I’m not dealing with this. So the dad went and my cousin stayed home while I went home exhausted. I do not blame you for refusing to babysit again!” [deleted]
14. AITJ For Talking Back To My Judgmental Mom's Friend?
That doesn’t sound like a very good friend.
“I (22f) moved in with my mom for a few months while taking a gap year from school and doing an internship. Due to my medical issues, I will be 24 when I graduate which I had been somewhat insecure about.
My mom’s friend, Lisa (45f) has made comments about me being single and childless and said that I’ll never know what being selfless is until I have kids.
She has three (29m, 26f, and 21m) and the youngest was my classmate. When she was age 18-20 she moved in with her partner and then moved back after the breakup. She brought this up to gloat “I moved out at 18” when I moved out at 21.
Recently I announced that I was readmitted after my medical break and had bought new school supplies. I brought this up when Lisa was there and during the conversation, she said “When I was 22 I was a mother of two and you’re an unmarried young girl who lives with your mom, works part-time, and is still in school.”
I said, “You were also an unmarried young girl, were living with your mom, worked part-time, and hadn’t graduated from college when you were 22, being a mother of two doesn’t change that.”
My mom audibly gasped when I said that and Lisa said, “You don’t know what you’re talking about, stop comparing yourself to me.” I said that she started the comparisons.
After she left my mom said that I was “degrading her.” I asked what was so hurtful about my comment when it was literally the same stuff she brought up about me. My mom said that I was putting her down and I knew what I was doing, and refused to explain it to me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Having kids is not an accomplishment. Nearly any woman can get pregnant with no more effort than not using protection. Your mother’s friend’s entire life accomplishment is having three kids, and she wants to tear you down because you didn’t follow her life accomplishment of getting pregnant and moving in with her baby daddy at your age?
Your mom is a jerk for defending her friend’s crappy behavior and her belittling of your accomplishments.” Konocti
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There was no reason for her to bring up her 22-year-old self in the conversation other than to make a comparison in which she thought she was the “winner”.
Not sure how pointing out she was in the same situation as you is putting her down and degrading unless your mother thinks your own circumstances are also degrading. Being a mother doesn’t make her a saint and you only have to look through AITJ to see how selfish some mothers can be.
If she was truly selfless she wouldn’t have to remind people about it.” RichSignal7022
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and Lisa found out you have limits to how much of her nonsense you will put up with even in front of your mother. My guess is mom wasn’t around for all of these exchanges, so she doesn’t realize Lisa has done this sort of thing repeatedly.
It will be interesting going forward if Lisa respects the boundary you have shown her or if it will be more of the same. If she does feel the need to comment on your life choices, give her a direct and simple, “How I live my life is none of your business.
Seeing that you can’t support my choices, you need to stop criticizing them. I already have a mother and I’m not taking applications for a second one. Do we understand each other…?”” Cinemaphreak
13. AITJ For Getting My Uncle In Trouble?
“I left my church recently and my dad keeps sending church members to my house to “save” me. Recently a pair of church volunteers came over to talk with me.
They offered assistance with anything I might need, some I had help around my farm while we talked. We talked about where they are from, (they’re volunteering for 2 years from out of the country) what they plan on doing when they get home, how my life’s going, and why I stopped believing.
The next week one of them called and said they weren’t sure if they believed when they left the country and after our talk they realized they didn’t believe and wanted to return home. The problem was that their volunteer coordinator was holding onto their important documents so they wouldn’t get misplaced, and one of those things was his passport.
The coordinator said he would only give it back after his 2 years were finished. He asked if I could get it back for him since the coordinator is my uncle.
I spoke to my uncle and he said he knew I was the one who corrupted him and basically told me to kick rocks.
I told him I would call the police on him if he didn’t give him back the passport and he said I didn’t have the balls. So I called the police and they redirected me to the Australian embassy. My uncle was fined quite a hefty amount and told him he had 3 days to return the passport or they would start the process of charging him with human trafficking.
Word got around his church and now he’s been released from his paid coordinator position. My family is saying I went too far and that they knew he would have given the volunteer his documents back. That he has too many physical problems to get another job and I shouldn’t have said anything.
I’m starting to think maybe I did the wrong thing and should’ve tried other avenues before going straight to the police. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, AT ALL, and congratulations for getting out of whatever religious movement this is. Whether it is Scientology, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Mormons, or anything else, this is trafficking, and a well-documented toxic cult tactic used to keep members in line.
You should be so proud of yourself. Side note – I’m an avid scholar of New Religious Movements and cults and if you are ever interested I can provide you with a ton of resources to read, watch, engage with, and/or seek help from.
You are not alone.” Alloddscanteven
Another User Comments:
“Yep, I used to work on transnational crime issues, and withholding travel documents is a classic technique deployed by human traffickers and exploiters of migrant labor. Your uncle deserved what he got; glad the Church actually did the right thing and fired him instead of just tut-tutting piously.
Absolutely NTJ.” marvel_nut
While there are plenty of wonderful human beings who follow some or other religious faith, I am all in favour of persistentily undermining those who use their imaginary friend as a weapon or a means of controlling others - their beliefs are up to them but they have no right to impose this nonsense on others.
12. AITJ For Not Helping With My Daughter's Kids?
“I (45F) have 3 children. My eldest “Gia” is 28 years old. About 5 years ago, she moved about 90 minutes away to live with her partner, “Marco.” They’ve since had 2 girls that are 4 & 1.
My younger daughter, “Alexis” (17F) is both mentally and physically disabled. While she is somewhat independent, she’ll never live alone and requires quite a bit of care. When my oldest granddaughter was born, Gia kept hinting that I should come visit and help with her.
I did come down a couple of times but Alexis’ health was pretty poor at that point, so that had to be my focus.
Eventually, Gia confided in me that Marco didn’t help with the baby at all. I sympathized. As time went on, things didn’t get better.
I was surprised when Gia told me she was trying to conceive #2. I asked if Marco was doing better and she said no, but he really wanted to try to for a boy. It’s her life and her business so I let it go.
Sure enough, nothing changed when my youngest granddaughter was born.
Around this time, my cousin passed. I was left the guardian of her 2-year-old daughter, “Evelyn”. Juggling Evelyn and Alexis is no easy task, and I’m also doing it alone. I have never asked my older kids for help and never would.
This past year, Gia has kept hinting that I should come down more. I have a couple of times but usually end up saying, it’d be easier for her to come to me.
Recently, Gia blew up at me saying she has no help and as her mother, I should.
I said I’m a little busy myself with one special needs child and a toddler who went through trauma. I’m always there emotionally but I can’t physically. She said that Marco is no help and I said she knew what she was getting into this time around.
It’s not up to everyone else to support her. She got mad and told me I was insensitive.
I was talking to my sister and she said I went too far. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your daughter should be having a conversation with Marco about the fact that she is doing almost all of the work for these children.
And she is an adult. She had a second child with a man she knew wasn’t helpful or frankly a decent father (a decent father pitches in with child care). You’re also a single mother in a very difficult situation, and the burden of looking after your grandchildren cannot fall on your shoulders.
It sounds like you’re doing the most you can in a difficult situation.” PilotEnvironmental46
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My parents warned me about having children with a man like that. She had the baby, found out he doesn’t parent his own child, and tried for a second child.
The fact that he would only be involved if they had a boy and because they had two girls that gives him the excuse not to parent is disgusting. People make mistakes, and I would offer my daughter like a room in my home if I had one if I was in your situation.
But that’s about it. She’s old enough to know you can’t change people.” Due-Librarian-5886
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’ll never for the life of me understand why women continue to have kids with men who prove themselves to be crap partners.
You’ve got a full plate and I’m sure as much as both of you would like you just can’t be as involved because of what you’ve got going on in your own life. Keep doing what you’re doing, and hopefully, your daughter will realize Marco isn’t going to change, and she needs to stop at kid #2 with him and start making an exit plan if she’s so unhappy.” Littlelady0410
11. AITJ For Making My Wife Look Like An Idiot In Front Of Our Friends?
Did HE make her look like an idiot, or was it herself?
“My wife does not understand why there are black bars in movies.
The greatest thing to ever happen to me was when all TVs started being sold in 16:9 instead of 4:3.
Before we got our new TV, I would have to spend half an hour at the beginning of every movie trying to explain that there wasn’t anything cut out in those areas.
That if the movie was going to fill out the TV screen then we would actually lose out on the stuff happening on the left and right sides of the movie. Every single time.
So we got together yesterday with a bunch of her teacher friends.
The TV was on in the background and someone put on The Hateful 8. It was filmed in a super wide aspect. So even on the TVs we have now, there is still a black stripe on top and bottom.
My wife noticed and started complaining about why “THEY” were cutting off the top and bottom of movies again.
All of her friends started trying to explain it to her. One of them finally got out some construction paper and cut out the shape of films and screens and got her to understand.
When we got home she was mad at me for not explaining it to her and letting her look like an idiot.
I asked her if she remembered that she used to always complain and all the times I explained it to her.
I literally had to get cardboard and cover the sides of the TV like I used to before to get her to remember.
She is still mad at me but I’m not sure what else I could have done.
I thought I would never have to deal with this problem ever again.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My mother does this and she always has, so it’s not an age thing. I have come to realize that the real issue is not that she doesn’t understand after multiple explanations on whatever the recurring issue is; it’s that she doesn’t WANT it to be that way and that’s just her way of complaining.
Instead of explaining for the millionth time, I just say, “Sorry that bothers you” and move on.” SevereSwim7756
Another User Comments:
“I work in an animal hospital and have done so for fifteen years. Sometimes I’ve drawn the short straw and had to work holidays when we were closed. I’ve had to explain, over and over and over to my mother that the hospital being closed does not mean there aren’t patients that need care.
For ten years I had to repeat myself every time I worked a holiday and for ten years my mother acted like this was the first time I’ve told her. I threw in the towel five years ago. Any time the topic comes up I flat out tell her I’m not explaining this again and forcibly change the subject.
Her refusal to understand simple facts is not on me, your wife’s refusal to do the same isn’t your fault either, NTJ.” Egil_Styrbjorn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But do get your wife medically and mentally evaluated. The black bars were something I understood as a 7-year-old.
As a kid, I took a movie to my friend’s house. The beginning had the black bars. Her father made her fast forward past that part because he thought it would break the TV. Nobody would listen to me that it couldn’t do that.” honeyrrsted
10. AITJ For Admitting The Reason Why I Don't Speak To My Father?
“I (32M) don’t have a good relationship with my dad (59M) the reason being the pressure he put me on.
If I had anything less than a 90/100, he would be disappointed in me and tell me I was a failure, and I would never be anyone in life.
I still remember him and my mom (59F) fighting. She always defended me saying I was doing my best, but he would always scream that my best wasn’t enough.
When I was 12 I got 83/100 on a math test, and I freaked out. I remember coming home crying, and thankfully, my dad was at work, and I begged my mom to not tell my dad.
I guess seeing a 12-year-old boy freaking out over a grade, that even the teacher said was great, was enough, and my mom divorced my dad.
I believe that was the moment he understood he screwed up and tried to apologize. My mom always wanted me to have a good relationship with my dad, and I would stay with him one weekend a month.
At 16, he had my brother with my stepmom, and I had to see the same man who called me a failure be the best dad to my brother.
At 18, I cut my dad and his family off with the exception of my grandparents and my uncle.
1 year ago, my grandfather passed away, and at his funeral, I saw my dad and his family. My dad briefly looked at me and then turned his head down in shame.
My uncle came up to me. He said he understood if I did not want to talk to my dad but asked if I would talk with my brother.
I said yes and I met with him outside. We had a great conversation and in the last year, he has met my wife and children, and we have a good relationship.
A few days ago, my brother asked why I don’t talk to our dad.
I told him what I wrote here and more. In the end, I told him our dad wasn’t good to me, but that did not mean he should stop talking to him.
Yesterday, my uncle called me and said my brother and my father fought because of what I shared with my brother.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I always got a lot of crap from family when I talked about how I was being treated. I had a zero-tolerance policy for those conversations. Here’s the thing: you’re talking about things that were done to you. Maliciously or ignorantly, you suffered for it.
You have a right to talk about your experiences and your pain with anyone you want to. If he didn’t want you talking badly about him, he should have treated you better. You’re under no obligation to coddle his feelings when he actively attacked yours.
He should have treated you better. He can’t just erase what he did just because he’s embarrassed. Wouldn’t that be something? I hurt you, I feel embarrassed about it, and now you’re obligated to suffer again through silence. That’s unreasonable. Tell your story and don’t tolerate anyone who has a problem with that.” Trekwiz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I was where your brother is now. It’s hard to figure out how the person who is good to you, who you love and perhaps admire, and someone who caused trauma to your sibling is, in fact, one and the same person.
And the younger you are, the harder it is to comprehend. I guess your brother is a teenager now, he probably has his own problems with your father, regardless of what you’ve told him about the past. But I know for a fact, that it does not automatically mean their relationship is broken or broken beyond repair.
Figuring out that our parents are human, that they make mistakes, and how imperfect they can be is a part of growing up. If your father was actually a good father to your brother, they have a good chance to keep having at least a decent relationship.
What is a little worrying here is not your part in this whole thing, but the reason why they fought. Was it because your brother is a hotheaded teen? That’s to be expected and is fixable. If it was because your father refused to acknowledge what he did to you or maybe because he lied about the reason you went NC, then the issue is deeper.
Either way, you did nothing wrong.” mo86june
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can’t build a relationship on lies, and you were putting a good faith effort into knowing your brother–which included telling him the truth. I would even say that your brother and father aren’t jerks for having an argument (until we know more, I can understand why both would be upset).
The only jerk here is your uncle. While I can understand acting as a mediator, he shouldn’t be coming to you about the fights his brother and his nephew are having. He needs to butt out.” KatKit52
9. AITJ For Putting Spices In Our Baby's Food Against My Wife's Wishes?
“Since our baby hit six months, we have been trying to introduce him to food.
He pretty much turned his nose up at the vast majority. Our pediatrician said that babies like to eat what their parents eat, so I started sharing food with him. The thing is, the plain mashed sweet potatoes and carrots are gross. So I put cinnamon in the sweet potato and some garlic powder and pepper in the carrots, just a little to make it palatable.
I looked up if these are safe for babies, and they are (although honey definitely isn’t, and that was one of my original ideas, so I’m glad I looked it up). For the past week he has been eating with me, and it has been awesome, and he sleeps better too.
However, my wife was furious when she saw me put cinnamon in the sweet potatoes. She said it wasn’t safe for the baby and I should never have done that without consulting her.
I explained that I did research, but she said that didn’t matter because a mother’s instincts are more important.
I asked what about my instincts, and she said I didn’t have any. She said moms instinctively know what is good for their babies. This whole thing has me bummed out because I was enjoying sharing dinner with my little guy. Was I a jerk for not asking permission to season my baby’s dinner?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s shutting you out. She wants to be the gatekeeper, and for some sexist reason, she thinks the mother gets more control than the father. You did research and she “didn’t care.” She’s not being rational, she just wants to make all the decisions.
YOU are the father, she should listen to you and what you’ve discovered. You are half of this team. Talk to her about getting on the same page, and making these discoveries together. I salute you for introducing more complex food to the baby. He’ll likely not be a picky eater.
As long as you research it, I don’t see why you shouldn’t introduce more interesting foods to your baby.” wordsmythy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m not sure babies at that age have very developed taste buds. However, if the spices are safe for babies, and your baby is eating the foods with spices, I don’t see the problem.
Your wife should be thrilled that you took responsibility for feeding the baby for an entire week before she could be bothered to notice that you were adding spices.” Biteme75
Another User Comments:
“First off, “woman instincts” are kind of bullcrap the way she’s using it.
If it’s a, “Let’s check on the baby; I have a bad feeling” kind of thing, then yes, sure, go check. But food safety is a factual thing you can test. It’s not just, “I feel weird about it.” Is she having a difficult time giving up feeding?
Or otherwise has anxiety about foods? Secondly, what the mother eats flavors their milk. If your wife eats a lot of highly seasoned foods, unseasoned baby food probably tastes as weird to your baby as it does to you, while the spices/garlic reminds the baby of mom and comfort and familiarity.
Third, and I know this isn’t a strong argument because people used to do all sorts of bad things and most babies survived, but I put garlic and cinnamon specifically in a lot of my kiddo’s baby food and he loved it and grew up fine and healthy.” mitsuhachi
8. AITJ For Screaming At My Step Daughter For Coming In The Kitchen While I Was Cooking?
“My stepdaughter is 10. I’ve been in her life for 8 years and we have full custody. She sees her momma once every other week. I also have 2 sons, aged 11 and 9.
For the past like 6 months or so, my stepdaughter has stood right directly behind me whenever I’m cooking anything.
She doesn’t want to help me cook. I’ve asked, and she said no because she’s afraid of getting burnt. She just stands directly behind or beside me close enough that we are touching whenever I’m cooking and it’s incredibly frustrating. Our kitchen is small as it is so I have no room to move.
I started telling her to stay out of the kitchen when I’m cooking because I need space and I’m becoming frustrated from either dropping things constantly because I’m tripping over her or constantly having to ask her to move out of the way.
Ever since I started telling her to stay out of the kitchen when I’m cooking she has been making excuses to be in there.
Like getting a drink every 5 minutes or wanting to color at the counter versus using her own huge desk in her bedroom or even using the office desk in the living room. If she wanted to learn to cook and help me that would be one thing.
I would be more than willing to teach her! But as I said, she’s refused and doesn’t want to help me. She just insists on standing right on my heels and watching what I’m doing. Can’t even express how many times I have almost burnt her and HAVE burnt myself because of this.
So yesterday she came in after I told her not to and I didn’t hear her come in. She was standing right behind me. I went to turn to strain noodles and bumped into her and got boiling water all down my front and all over the floor.
I did yell and tell her to get out now. She ran to her room crying. My husband immediately started berating me for hurting her feelings “simply because she’s freaking curious”. I explained to him the same crap I have a million times before, she is not to be in the kitchen anymore when I’m cooking because I’m exhausted from constantly tripping over her when she has zero intentions to help or learn.
I explained that because of her I just burnt the heck out of myself, and he just completely ignored it and said I’m the one in the wrong because of her feelings. AITJ? And yes, I’ve spoken to her several times after I’ve been burnt in the past. She just says “sorry” and continues to do it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a husband problem.
My husband and daughter developed the habit of getting underfoot when I’m making dinner. My husband will decide there’s some random project or task he has to do right when I’m flinging pans around. I swear the junk drawer holds some sort of magical allure, which blocks my path between the stove and the prep space, meaning food gets burned as I try to heave him out of my way.
My daughter (4) wants to watch and gawk at everything I do, and she’s quick as heck. I put her behind a barrier of chairs. And I can’t clean as I go with people milling about, and the mess leaves me on edge. I’ll be a jangle of stress, my requests get ignored, and soon enough I’m shouting for them to GET OUT OF THE DARN WAY.
Then somehow I’m the bad guy. So I talked turkey. This is safety. Help me with prep (my daughter makes the salad, for example), but when active cooking is happening, everyone gets the heck out of my zone. This is not a spectator event. And my husband is an adult, if he finds the kitchen at dinnertime so intriguing he can cook some meals, too.
(Lol, sometimes now we’re underfoot when he’s trying to sort dinner, and I can see the wheels turning – “oh wait, this -is- aggravating!”)
OP needs to take this head-on with Husband. He’s allowing Step-daughter to lollygag in the kitchen, even though it’s a safety hazard, and he’s berating OP instead of solving the problem.
Husband can choose two options during dinner prep time: he can supervise/spend time with his daughter to keep her out of the kitchen, or he can get his happy butt in there to whip up a meal. The current system isn’t safe or sustainable.” rotatingruhnama
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but the more I think about this, the more I think you should try family therapy or maybe individual therapy to get to the root of her behavior. Because unless she is given to obsessive behavior like this, it just strikes me as very odd.
Not only doesn’t it make sense, it’s counterintuitive. She’s afraid of being burnt, so she spends tons of time in the kitchen, putting both you and herself in danger of getting burned. Nah. She doesn’t want to learn to cook, and yet she’s basically attached to your heels in the kitchen?
You’ve explained that this is a safety issue and yet she continues to deliberately endanger you and herself? She insists on continuing this behavior in spite of multiple requests, without even being able to explain why she’s doing it? SOMETHING is going on there. Maybe she’s seeking reassurance by being physically near you.
Maybe she’s trying to show she can mess with you. Maybe she wants to know that her dad sides with her even when she’s being a danger. I don’t know. But this is a behavior that has become incredibly important to her for reasons she cannot (or chooses not to) articulate, and that seems to suggest a deeper dive would be a good idea.” FeuerroteZora
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, there were real consequences to her disregard for your safety. That being said, telling kids no only works if you’re consistent in reinforcing that no – it sounds like even if she’s on your heels, nothing has been done to truly stop her, so she thinks no is a light suggestion.
Set strong boundaries and physically remove her in the future, don’t let her just stand there – ex: only helpers can be in the kitchen from now on, if you can’t help, you need to leave. Can you put up a baby gate for the kitchen, a physical blocker to stop the impulse to come in and watch or watch from a safe distance?
Or can you place a chair near the kitchen that she is to stay at if she’s going to be in the kitchen at all?” [deleted]
Good luck. This is a strange situation and I wish you the best resolution for it.
7. AITJ For Resizing My Fiancee's Engagement Ring Too Early?
“I (29M) told my dad I had plans to propose to my partner (27F). He proceeded to tell me he had a friend who worked in a jewelry shop that could get me a discount. I accepted it as a great idea considering how expensive engagement rings can be.
A few weeks later I met my dad at the jewelry shop where he was looking at engagement rings and the lady behind the counter was trying them on to show him which I found a little strange. But I didn’t really think much of it at the time.
After purchasing the ring and proposing to my partner (she said yes), I realized the name of the lady who served me sounded familiar. I talked to my brother and his girl about it, and we did some digging. We found her name on the receipt and realized it was the lady whom my dad was having an affair with when he was with my mom, which was the final straw for her to leave him.
This lady is also written in his will for our family to accept her and her two children as our family if my dad were to pass away.
Besides the night my older brother and my mom confronted him about him paying another mortgage and putting together that he was having an affair, he has never brought her up and has never introduced her to any of us.
This confrontation happened just over 2 years ago, but she is still clearly in his life in some capacity.
The ring needed to get resized as I was set on a proposal date and I wasn’t able to get one her size in time for that date.
About a week after the proposal we were on our way to the shops to get the ring resized when I received a call from my dad. He was asking if we were able to hold off on getting the ring resized for another week as it would affect his ‘friend’s’ bonus, I told him that we could do that but we continued to the shops to get it resized that day anyway.
I know that it was dumb to say yes and then go and do the opposite of that, but I didn’t think it was okay to have to make my fiancée wait to wear her engagement ring just because my dad wanted his ‘friend’ to get a bonus at work.
Am I the jerk?
With questions regarding the ring, we live in another state to where we purchased the ring but was with the same company. When we went to get it resized we were informed they had to remake the ring completely which came with a new set of documents which we were very happy about as my dad’s mistress’ name was not on the new receipt so the new ring had nothing to do with her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You want your fiancée to wear a ring that fits, so it’s perfectly reasonable to be resized; however, I don’t understand how you’re so calm over this. If my father had pulled that kind of stunt on me, I would have canceled the sale, put him in his place for being disrespectful, and found the same or similar ring at another jewelry store.
Best of luck, OP. Hope everything else runs smoothly.” ColdstreamCapple
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but as a jeweler – something is very, very weird here. You should not need to remake a ring to size it – there are very few styles that require that (tension settings are typically done to size because of the metal tempering you need to secure the stone, but that’s about it).
A standard engagement ring, and frankly rings in general – should be sizable (within reason). Unless you were off by like 4-5 sizes, which I doubt you were (this sort of big resize is most common with Estate Rings that are 75+ years old), something is weird here.
Even eternity bands are sizable – it’s inconvenient, but it’s doable. I’m honestly very curious about what happened here that they decided to remake your ring – you’re NTJ, but I’d be very suspicious and have an independent appraisal done by a graduate gemologist once you get your ring.
Best of luck & congrats on your engagement!” InnocuousTerror
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ideally, you’d just have been honest and said no, you’re getting it resized, but this is a really tough situation to navigate and I think your lie is a real minor infraction in this circumstance.
I hope you advise your father as such should you receive any pushback. I don’t quite understand how it’ll affect her commission though. Engagement rings get resized all the time. It shouldn’t affect the initial sale at all.” Full-String7137
6. WIBTJ For Letting My Wife Know About Her Surprise Party In Advance?
A lot of people aren’t fans of surprises.
“My wife has a milestone birthday coming up this year. The thing is, she hates surprises and hates being the center of attention. She hates it so much that she actually made us plan a vacation for her birthday so that no one would try to throw her a big party or surprise party.
Well, as it turns out, her parents don’t care and want to throw her a surprise party for a date before our vacation. They’re extremely good people to us, but they are very bad about respecting our decisions on things. They’re very pushy and tend to do things against our will as they think they’re doing the right thing and making us happy.
We basically had two weddings because they weren’t happy that our first one was a smaller, backyard wedding. My wife and I loved the small wedding and were completely happy with that being that. We told them we don’t need a second one but they basically forced us to have one because they wanted family to come that couldn’t go to the original. Long rant, but just explaining how they are sometimes.
Now I’m conflicted on this because I know that my wife deserves a nice party and the spotlight, but I know that she does not want to have those things. Would I be the jerk if I briefed her on what’s going on? I’m thinking about at least letting her know it’s coming without giving away any major details.
As far as her parents are involved, I’ll be doing everything in my power to make sure they don’t turn it into a huge event as they always try to do. So far her mom has not listened to me, but I’ll be diligent.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and you definitely should do this, but in terms of HOW you tell her I’d suggest having a thought over which situation is going to cause the least upset because it all depends on the character of your wife.
Scenario 1: You tell your wife in secret from her parents, and suggest to her that she pretends to be surprised and delighted. This allows her to prepare herself mentally for the day but also gives all the guests and her parents the thrill of surprising her.
I’d go for this option if your wife doesn’t like surprise parties because of the “surprise” element rather than the “party” element.
Scenario 2: You tell your wife’s parents that under no circumstances should this go ahead, and that you will tell your wife yourself on X date if they haven’t put the brakes on the whole plan by then.
I’d go for this route only if the “party” aspect is the thing that would stress her out because this way will of course cause more friction between yourself and your parents-in-law, which I’m assuming your wife would not want.” simanthropy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, from someone just like your wife in this regard.
I think you’ve measured it right, heads up but no details unless she asks. If she doesn’t want to have the party, you could always fall back on it being the day before your vacation as an additional reason not to go as they’re not respecting her boundaries.
“Sorry! Couldn’t stop the wife from getting me involved in all these chores. We’re all sweaty and dirty now and it’ll be suspicious if I try and get her showered and ready, plus we’ll be late. What? Come as we are? You wouldn’t do that to her on top of the surprise she doesn’t want, would you?”” lizfour
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: tell her. “Surprise” parties are always jerk behavior. “Now I’m conflicted on this because I know that my wife deserves a nice party and the spotlight.” See, you’re falling into the same trap; that a big party is objectively a good thing, but there’s something weird about your wife, and you’re being the bigger person by humoring that weirdness.
She -deserves- to be treated the way she wants. You said that a big party is the exact opposite of what she wants. So if you think she -deserves- a big party, that means you think she deserves to have her explicit desires completely overridden.
It means you think she -deserves- to be miserable so that everybody else can feel good about what nice people they are. It means you think she -deserves- to not get what she wants. Is that all really what you think?
“I’m thinking about at least letting her know it’s coming without giving away any major details.” Nope, full disclosure.
Then ask your wife what she wants to do about it, and support her fully. The golden rule is ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’ This is a terrible philosophy. You’d like a big party, therefore you want to throw her a big party, even though you know she hates big parties.
So instead, follow the platinum rule: do unto others as they would have you do unto them. Do what you know will make her happy, not what you think she ‘deserves.'” Cent1234
Another User Comments:
“Deserves? How does your wife deserve this level of mistreatment?
How exactly is going against her wishes helpful for her? No, what she deserves is a spouse who will stand up for her and with her, someone who will put their foot down and say no to manipulation. Her parents can’t make you do anything.
Why do her parents’ opinions matter more to you than your own wife? You should definitely tell your wife, so the two of you can make plans together to avoid this ambush.” StitchandReuben
5. AITJ For Having My Sister Pick Up Her Child Early?
“I (29f) have a daughter who is 4 “Anna”. Her father is not in the picture and I’m raising her with the help of my grandma (to be clear Anna and I live in her house and I help her around the house and with bills, and she looks after Anna while I’m working).
About a month ago Anna had a very complicated operation, this is for a condition she’s had since she was born and the operation essentially saved her life. However, I had to borrow money from family including my sister to make sure the operation would go ahead, and I am paying it back slowly.
The operation has a long recovery period, the doctors said it might take up to 6 months for her to be back to normal. Due to this Anna gets tired really quickly, especially after active playtime. Because she is recovering she can take naps and sleep as much as she needs, I have also made sure to break the main meals into 6-8 smaller meals so it is easier to eat, as recently she found eating boring because it takes too long.
She has friends visiting her and the rule with them and their parents is that if Anna gets tired they move into less active activities like watching a cartoon or reading which they can understand and have been complying with without issues.
Thursday my sister came around with her son and asked me to look after him for a bit as something came up at work.
She knows about Anna recovering and needing rest and assured me it was for an hour or 2. My nephew “Kyle” is 5 and as soon as he got into the house he wanted to play with Anna. My grandma wasn’t home as she had to visit a friend so I was looking after them.
After about an hour Anna mentioned she was tired and wanted to watch some cartoons on Disney, but Kyle still wanted to play and didn’t want to watch “girly” cartoons, he wanted to keep playing. I told Anna she could go to her room and watch it there and I would look after Kyle, but he didn’t want to let go of Anna and kept insisting she must play with him since “his mummy paid us”.
That didn’t sit well with me and he was throwing a tantrum refusing to accept that Anna needs rest, so I called my sister and told her to pick Kyle up immediately.
My sister did show up but she wasn’t happy and called me a jerk since she was in an important meeting, and I could have sucked it up since she loaned me money for Anna’s operation, so it is the least I could have done.
After this, I asked her to leave.
Later that day I received a call from my mum saying I was a jerk too and shouldn’t have asked my sister to pick up Kyle since it’s just her looking after him as Kyle’s dad is in the military and currently away.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even ignoring the entitlement and arrogance of the kid (‘mummy paid you’ ‘girly cartoons’), and even if you were willing and capable of handling the kid’s tantrum (OK, he’s five, tantrums happen), your kid’s health has to come first. I’m guessing people who are saying you could have just handled it or pulled the kids apart have NO IDEA just how strong and clingy a kid can be in a full tantrum like this.
Like an octopus crossed with an elephant – obnoxiously heavy and there’s always another limb grabbing you, and they do not care if they hurt you – either just by sheer weight dragging you down or by grabbing your hair or just digging in their fingers like claws.
Bruises, scratches, maybe a banged knee or hip from falling. And he wasn’t holding on to you, a full-grown adult, he was holding on to a small child who is weak and sick and probably has stitches and healing. Tantrum or not, if he is actively endangering the other child and cannot/will not alter his behavior, then the only option you had was to get him out of there.
Anything else you tried would be either more dangerous to Anna or way over the line of acceptable treatment of (someone else’s) child. (My personal choice would be yeeting him into a cupboard and locking the door until Sis came back. But I’m mean.)” Fortressa-
Another User Comments:
“Op, not to take this to a frightening place, but I’d really slow down on these babysitting sessions and make sure they’re extremely well supervised from now on. Aside from parroting his mom’s entitled view of “we paid so your little girl owes us”, he is not displaying an age-appropriate level of empathy by physically restraining Anna and throwing what must have been a frightening tantrum while latched on to her when he knew she was unwell and unable to fight back because of her fresh incision wounds.
This entitlement and lack of care for the harm he causes others as long as he gets what he will snowball as he gets older as long as he goes unchecked at home. Kyle’s on the path to becoming a frightening individual, and that’s being enabled by your sister.
Continue to safeguard your daughter as long as he refuses to accept boundaries and as long as your sister refuses to instill morals in him. NTJ obvi.” blickyjayy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I waffled on this one. But at the end of the day, you’re dealing with a ton of stress regarding your sick child.
I don’t think Kyle meant the money comment as you took it; he’s 5. Let’s say his mom did tell him that, then you redirect him and say you are correct, she did an awesome thing and helped us out a lot. You are the adult though, “Kyle, Anna needs a break now.” It’s not a back-and-forth discussion.
He can throw a fit in time-out, but you need to own that interaction.” fireandping
4. AITJ For Not Letting My Son's Mom Take Care Of Him After His Surgery?
“My 9-year-old son needed hip bone osteoma surgery, and his mom and I scheduled it before his three-week winter break.
My ex and I share 50/50, but I get him on winter breaks, so she could take him out of state to see her family in the summer.
The day before the surgery, she asked me if Ry could stay at her place to recover from the surgery.
I asked her why, and all she said was that she just wanted to be there. I said no. Ry has never had surgery, and it’s a big deal for him. I don’t want him to think that the first thing you do when you face something scary is run to your mom and not your dad.
I told her I was quite insulted by her request. Plus, he was going to need help getting dressed and bathed for the first couple of days, and I highly doubt that he’d be comfortable having his mom do that. She said her husband could do that.
I told her no. He’s having the surgery and I’m taking him to my house when he’s released. I don’t care if she’s in the operating room.
She then asked if she could see him at my place and I said no. The agreement is that we have scheduled FaceTime with him when he’s at the other parent’s house.
I don’t want my ex-wife in my home any more than she wants me in hers. If the shoe was on the other foot then I’d understand whether I liked it or not.
I held firm and things have been tense between us ever since.
Personally, I don’t care because I’m not apologizing for not giving her what she wanted.
Edit: No, my son doesn’t get to decide who he gets to stay with and when and for how long. That’s why there are custody agreements.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You’re thinking of yourself and not your kid. It’s your time to have him so taking him back to your place makes sense but not letting his mother come to visit him in person is a crappy thing to do, and the argument “I’m a male, so only I can help my son bathe and get dressed” is nonsense.
Your ex is his MOTHER. I’m ready to bet he wouldn’t have an issue with it. Grow up.” Primary-Criticism929
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not for wanting him with you. If you have the time and means to take care of him while he recovers, that’s not a problem.
But have you asked your son where HE prefers to stay during this time? A lot of kids prefer their mother when they are sick or hurt. That has nothing to do with how good a parent you are, that’s just how it is. And if he is happy enough to stay with you, have you considered he might want or even need to also see his mom?
Nowhere in your post do you consider your son’s needs and wishes, only your own. Can you not for 3 weeks set your own ego aside in the interest of your kid? Can you not arrange his stays with you and set a few days and times when his mom can come over while you go do the shopping or whatever?
If you don’t want her alone in your home can you not ask a friend or family member to be in the house in a different room during that time?
If you don’t care about your ex-wife’s feelings, that’s fine. But you are hurting your son if you don’t take what HE wants into account.
So ask yourself: is making your stand and your ego more important than the wellbeing of your son?” Ze_Stips
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You weaponize your son’s surgery & time of recovery and use it against your ex and to hurt her and show the power and control over the situation.
On top of that, you use it as a tool of control against your son too, who probably would like to see both of his parents when he feels so vulnerable. One has to be truly heartless to not even let the other parent visit when the kid is ill.” isi_na
3. AITJ For Accusing My Parents Of Ruining Our New Year's Celebration?
“I’ve been married to my 2nd husband “Mike” for 4 years now. He’s a jokester and loves to crack jokes all the time. He especially likes to joke with my brother “Ethan” and his wife. Ethan used to be okay with it til he started complaining about Mike taking it too far with his jokes.
Some context about Ethan. He and his wife couldn’t have kids so they adopted a boy “Joey” 2 years ago. Mike has been making silly, lighthearted jokes that involve Joey’s bio parents as a way to mess with Ethan and his wife. I already talked to Mike and I tell you that he 100% means no harm, and he was just trying to get them to react.
So fast forward to NYE, my parents hosted a big celebratory dinner and Ethan and his wife came. While we were eating dinner, Mike decided to tell a knock-knock joke to Ethan. He said, “Knock knock..” Ethan laughed and said, “Who’s there?” Mike replied “Joey’s bio parents,” then he bursted out laughing.
Silence took over and Ethan’s facial expressions changed. His wife called Mike an “idiot” to which Mike replied with, “Hey… Relax, it was just a joke.” An argument ensued, and dinner was paused. My parents suddenly told Mike to leave, which I thought was too harsh.
I tried to speak to them and get them to calm down but mom insisted that Mike leave. We left and Mike was complaining the whole time about how they overreacted.
I called Mom later, and she told me Mike was out of line with his hurtful jokes about this touchy topic and told me I was wrong for defending him and saying he was just joking.
She said he ruined NY for the family but I told her it was her and Dad who ruined NY’s celebration by escalating the situation and kicking him out. I told her he could talk to them, but again, they were the ones who ruined NY celebration.
She called me delusional for this statement and hung up.
We haven’t talked to them for days. I tried contacting Ethan but no response.”
Another User Comments:
“Wow, yeah, YTJ. Sorry, but your “Mike” is a jerk. Not uncommon for the “jokester” who loves to crack jokes to “mess with people.” Screw that, it’s not in good spirit; it’s one-sided bullying and just disgusting.
It’s not lighthearted or silly; it’s just mean. The sentence, “Relax, it was just a joke” is horrible. Your Mike hides behind this excuse to be a jerk and a bully to people, to push their buttons, to be mean, and then retreat when they get upset by calling it all a joke.
You are enabling and supporting that, which makes you no better.” MaralDesa
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your husband is nothing but a bully, and you are enabling his crappy behavior. Listen very carefully: If I were your brother, this would be the final straw, and I would be cutting all contact with you and making sure you’re both no longer invited to ANY family gatherings because of this behavior.
Even if you came to me groveling with endless apologies, some things are just unforgivable. This is one of them. EVEN AFTER THEY’VE CONCEDED THEY ARE INFERTILE AND ADOPTED A CHILD, MIKE IS STILL RUBBING IT IN THEIR FACES REGULARLY. THIS IS DESPICABLE BEHAVIOR.
Grow up. The both of you.” chillyfeets
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You and your husband. It doesn’t matter if he’s joking and doesn’t mean harm (but really how can you not mean harm with those kinds of jokes. They’re not even jokes. They aren’t funny.
He sounds like a perpetual edgy teen). He’s been told he hurts people and he chooses not to stop and you choose to defend him. You know it hurts people. Your parents were right, at least they care about your brother and his family’s feelings.” SalmonOfNoKnowledge
2. AITJ For Cutting Our Couple's Trip Short Because My In-Laws Weren't Cooking For My Son?
“My wife and I got married months ago. We didn’t get a chance to go on a honeymoon, but then I planned a trip for us as a couple. I originally was planning on leaving my 9yo son with his regular babysitter. However, my wife insisted that we leave him with her parents.
I agreed but was hesitant because my son has dietary restrictions due to medical problems and my in-laws commented on his eating habits as “spoiled.”
I sent him there and gave them a list of what food he should be fed. On the 4th day of the trip, he video-called me and told me he’d been eating only snacks and hadn’t eaten a warm meal in days.
I was puzzled. I asked if his grandparents didn’t cook any of his regular meals on the list and he said no. They just gave him snacks. I was absolutely livid, especially after I contacted MIL and she told me she wasn’t a “personal cook” and that it wasn’t her fault I spoiled my son.
I cut the trip short and went home immediately.
My wife was upset saying instead of cutting the long-awaited trip short, I should’ve let the babysitter take care of feeding him. We had a fight, and she told me that her parents owed me nothing and that I always ruin things for us.
Now I ruined the trip she paid for.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. “Her parents owed me nothing.” If you’re going to look after a child for more than a day, a warm meal is the bare minimum and isn’t acting spoilt. Were grandma and grandpa also only eating snacks?
I bet they weren’t she cooked for her and her husband but didn’t want to feed your kid. If I was looking after someone’s kid I would give them what I cooked for myself or just cook a bit extra. Also the audacity…you wanted the babysitter she’s the one who begged you to go to her parents then she says her parents owe you nothing?
MIL’s reaction is despicable “not a personal cook” is such a horrible way to go about feeding a literal child! So snappy and rude.
You probably don’t want to hear it, but divorce is necessary. If you (heavens forbid) have an accident and die, they will not look after your kid.
If having a meal is being spoilt to them, then they won’t treat him nicely either. As well as look at her priorities. She’s angry at you for putting a child first. A child who wasn’t being given a meal. She should have been angry at her parents for agreeing to look after a child but then not feeding them.
Also, the way she took her parents’ side saying they owe you nothing when you were just asking your child to be fed. MIL and wife both sound gaslighting, rude, and generally just spoilt themselves or deem themselves better than everyone else. Run as far and fast as you can.
Stay any longer, and the claim she has to get 50% of your property grows stronger and stronger. She’s already tried to gaslight you and make you feel guilty about feeding your fricking child. She’s no good, won’t be a good role model to any future children you guys might have, definitely won’t treat your son right ever (having a meal is spoilt she probably wants to take away his bed next), and is already trying to make you feel guilty and stick up for her parents even when they are wrong.” BeepBooBah
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for cutting the trip short, but you should have followed your instincts and left your son with his babysitter. It looks like your wife agrees with her parents that your son is “spoiled” by dietary restrictions since she knew how her parents felt about it and insisted that your son be with them anyway.
You cut the trip short to take care of your child, just as you should have. It was the right thing to do as his parent. Forcing your child to live on snacks because they didn’t like his dietary restrictions was cruel. If they couldn’t handle it or didn’t want to do it, they could have said so, especially when it wasn’t your original plan to leave your son with them in the first place.
“Months” into this marriage, you need to think long and hard about whether your wife and her parents were appropriate people to put in your son’s life and if it’s appropriate to keep them in his life going forward. If you allow them to treat him this way, it will damage your son and damage your relationship with him.
They’re already treating him like a step-something, and not in a cozy blended family way.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Yeah, I’m not prepared to make a judgment here. There are so many details that we don’t know here. Just what are his medical needs?
Why does your wife not take them seriously? If the medical needs were that serious, and you knew that the grandparents might not oblige, then you never should have left him with them in the first place. If his medical needs are not that serious, then you are overreacting.
The grandparents should have either declined to watch him under your conditions or been upfront with you that they had no intention of honoring them. Honestly, I’m going with ESH unless you can provide some details to exonerate yourself. Under the most flattering interpretation of this story, you are NTJ for cutting the trip short, but YTJ for leaving him with them in the first place.” TruthOdd6164
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Well, you clearly learned that your in-laws are unfit to properly care for your son. They are actively risking your son’s health by just giving him snacks. “My son has dietary restrictions due to medical problems.” You have a valid reason for the list of foods they are supposed to cook.
The fact your wife is blaming you for ruining the trip is insane and shows the level of concern she has for her own kid. No one here is to blame for the ruined trip besides HER parents.” DJ_Too_Supreme
1. AITJ For Making Fun Of My Future Sister-In-Law's Big Nose?
“To get this out of the way: I’m a flat-chested girl. I suffered from health issues and growth problems so I’m small but I’m proud of myself.
My fiance and I went over to his parents’ house for his niece’s birthday. I wore a sweetheart-shaped dress, and my sil (Mel) who always comments on my chest saw the dress and went like, “This dress needs a big chest; you ain’t got one.” I ignored her, but then at dinner, she asked if I was planning on getting plastic surgery before the wedding so that I wouldn’t “ruin” the wedding dress.
I found this offensive especially when others were watching. I said nothing, but when we were sitting in the living room later, Mel suddenly started wiping her nose and trying to clear it (it’s stuffed due to cold apparently). She has a large nose, so I smiled and asked, “Do you need help with that?
I could get the plunger for you.” She was stunned, and the room got awkward and her husband was laughing. She was fuming and told my fiance that I stepped out of line and ruined her daughter’s birthday with my words that humiliated her. My fiance said I shouldn’t have caused a scene after his parents told us to leave.
I explained how her comments made me feel, but he said while she said it out of concern, my comment was out of hate.
Now she’s expecting an apology. Did I go too far here?”
Another User Comments:
“A bit of an ESH, you WERE actively escalating.
But tell me: his sister bullies you. In front of your fiance. And his family. NO ONE DOES A THING. And then you’re told it was “out of concern”. Are you ABSOLUTELY SURE you want to marry into this family?” FumiPlays
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, her husband laughed because someone finally gave her a dose of her own medicine and he’s been watching that family enable her hurtful behavior.
If your fiance thinks that she was not being hateful toward you, I would examine that relationship carefully. It doesn’t sound like your well-being will be his top priority when you join that family. At a minimum, you need to communicate expectations and hold him accountable when he doesn’t meet them.” TinaMonday
Another User Comments:
“ESH. What an absolutely juvenile family drama. This reads like you’re all 12 years old. Your SIL is the biggest jerk, your fiance is the second biggest for claiming that her meanness was “out of concern”, his parents are the third biggest for asking you to leave over this crap, and you are the least jerk of the bunch but were still juvenile to handle it that way.” Media_Offline
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