People Go Over Their Problematic "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

It's easy to be kind when people deserve it. Unfortunately, it gets harder and harder to do when annoying people get on our last nerve. That being said, it can be hard to calibrate our reaction when someone really throws us for a loop. You know what I'm talking about – those times our kindness is taken advantage of and we're put in a situation where we have to act out but don't know if we overreacted. Yep, those times. Sometimes, you just gotta say what you mean, and it can be easy to overstep. Here are some people who think they're the jerk... but aren't sure. Tell us what you think! AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

15. AITJ For Refusing To Get Rid Of My Pets?


“I (28F) am married to Josh (30M). We’ve been together since freshman (his junior) year of college. We have a lot of pets in the house- 3 dogs, 3cats, a bunny, a turtle, a snake, and a macaw. We love all of them and spent a lot of time making sure we take care of them.

I am on maternity leave currently and my due date is in three months.

I decided to foster a litter of puppies along with the mama after I saw she was scheduled to be euthanized.

My SIL (30F yes they are twins with my husband) lost her job recently and asked to stay with us. She does contribute towards bills but does not pay rent or anywhere near 1/3 of the bills around the house. I don’t mind as she still makes an effort.

She got sick last week so she is still recovering and not actively looking for a job.

She has been making faces left and right about the pets, claiming she has allergies, the macaw is too loud when it talks, the dog’s pitter-patter around the house is annoying, the cats sleep on her clean laundry… I think she only likes the bunny and turtle as the snake apparently grosses her out as well.

Josh, my husband, told her she should stop complaining and check her allergies and maybe close her door so cats don’t go in (dogs never do). She huffed and puffed until this morning when she saw she had a rash and went to get it checked out. They told her it was an allergy and she lost it. Came back waving the papers with the diagnosis and shoved them in my face.

I said she should go get tested for what kind of allergy it was and she looked at me like I was dumb.

‘It’s your goblins around the house. You need to get rid of them or I might get a more severe reaction.’

I laughed and said no. Josh came back from work and the two had a huge argument which ended up with Josh saying we might be able to compromise on the rescued doggo mama and pups.

The two came up to me and I refused. I have made a commitment to take care of her and I am not returning her to the pound. Plus, how removing her helps any, I don’t understand. 90% of the time she is in a downstairs bedroom with her pups or in the backyard. She has no contact with my SIL. Our dogs and cats are free to go anywhere.

My SIL got annoyed, said I was prioritizing a stray mutt to her health, and said I was right, the stray wasn’t the issue. I could keep it, but I gotta board it in a pet hotel along with her puppies and our animals. That’s 16 animals on an average price of 40$ per animal, and that is even if an establishment is crazy enough to take 6-week-old puppies.

So this comes up to 640$ per day. I told her she is welcome to pay it but I’ll board them only for a week and then she needs to move out.

She lost her cool, called me an unconsidered a-hole, I was trying to kill her with my pets and was kicking her to the curb over a damn mutt. Josh backed me up but their mother called and said I was a jerk and her son made a mistake ever marrying me.

Josh is still arguing with relatives, his sister is still in the house crying and I am just about done.


Edit: their mother lives far away. SIL doesn’t wanna move so far away.

Edit: we went at it again. She is crying and obviously, there is snot from CRYING but she is insisting it’s the animals and her allergies. Josh is saying she is broke and we need to give her a month or two before she can move out even to their mom’s (apparently she has no savings).

She said I was unable to make compromises.

She is calling her mom nonstop and saying she feels like she is choking and might call an ambulance but her ‘anaphylactic’ shock has been on and off for about two hours so it’s safe to say she is exaggerating. I do have an EpiPen in the house if she is actually serious.

My MIL wants to join in on the fun and Josh is trying to dissuade her as I am refusing to have another relative of his in the house indefinitely.

My hormones are going crazy and I wanna cry as well. Please pray for me because I am very close to kicking everyone out and just becoming the crazy lady with the zoo in the house.

Edit: in-laws got very quiet when Josh and I offered to ship her back to them. They claim they’ve fallen on hard times and cannot support her. My MIL has been asking Josh to pay for a plane ticket so she can come to settle this for us in person and my SIL is over the moon.

We will not be housing any more of Josh’s relatives.

As a temporary solution, even though I feel she does not deserve it, my dad has graciously offered to have her over. He does not have pets currently. My SIL is refusing because it’s embarrassing for her that my part of the family knows she is broke but Josh is working his magic on his twin. Fingers crossed she is out of the house by tomorrow and my MIL settles down.

And yes, we will be paying for all that jazz but I am willing to give any amount to have her out. She has been screaming any time she runs into one of the pets like it’s gonna attack her and I cannot deal with that.

Edit (last one I promise) I have no intention of keeping my rescue mama and puppies. That is 10 dogs they are getting adopted out people.

I WON’T keep them. I am not hoarding them. In a few weeks, we’ll be back to having 3 dogs, 3 cats, 1 bunny, 1 turtle, 1 bird. Is it a lot? Yes. Are the vet bills crazy? Yes. Am I hoarding? No. All of them are rescues who have visual defects that are harder to adapt out to.

One of the cats has a nasty scar on her chest, another has her ears completely cut off, the bunny is missing a leg, dogs have scars from fighting or beating, the macaw is just a jerk..

so yeah, I’ve taken them because they are harder to adopt out.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She is a houseguest. Your cats, dogs, and macaw are permanent members of the household. Members of the household take priority over temporary guests. If your SIL doesn’t like living with the furred and feathered members of your house then she is more than free to find a new place to stay without any animals.

Do not JADE (Justify Argue Defend Explain) your household makeup to your SIL or MIL. It’s not up for debate so stop treating it like it is.

Stop engaging in any further discussions about this topic with your SIL or MIL, instead of shutting it down and changing the subject every time. Keep your reply as a firm ‘NO’ that contains no details/explanations for them to argue against.

Something like ‘that’s not an option’, ‘that doesn’t work for us’, ‘our decision is final’, ‘this isn’t up for discussion’, and the simple but classic ‘no’ are all phrases that work great. The next time they demand that you remove your pets for SIL’s ‘allergies’: ‘No, that’s not an option. Your only options are to take allergy meds or move out.’ She doesn’t need any more information from you than that (because by now she’s already heard everything you have to say and decided to argue again anyway), so do not elaborate further.

When she wants to know why you won’t do as she says: ‘Because that’s not an option.’ Keep using a variation of that reply no matter what: It’s not an option because it’s not an option. Why is it not an option? Because it’s not. Repeat ad nauseam. It shuts down the argument because there’s nothing for her to latch onto to try and change your mind.

Be ready and willing to leave (or hang up) if she/they won’t drop the subject after 1-2 shutdowns. DO NOT engage with her guilt-tripping, accusations of ‘selfishness’, or sob stories. It’s all just manipulation tactics and crocodile tears. Continue to firmly shut her down: ‘No. I won’t discuss this with you any further. You can take allergy meds or move out, those are your only two choices.

Drop the subject or I will have to leave/hang up…’ Then immediately follow through if she continues to refuse to respect your decision: ‘I asked you to stop. Since you refuse to respect my request I’m going to leave/hang up. Goodbye.’ Then promptly walk away (or hang up) without letting her get another word in.

My MIL wants to join in on the fun and Josh is trying to dissuade her as I am refusing to have another relative of his in the house indefinitely

There’s your solution! If your MIL is willing to pay for a flight between your place and hers then MIL can buy SIL a plane ticket to come to stay with her instead.

That way she can live in an ‘allergen’ free environment. Problem solved.” DiligentPenguin16

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your SIL is just losing it because she is powerless over her housing / financial situation. She has no compassion for animals, so she is unable to understand how her preference would impact the well-being of live creatures. In her egocentric view of life, everyone should be bending to please her, and the life of several dogs doesn’t matter at all.

She fails to see that the rescue mom and puppies are a temporary feature at your home. In the end, her tantrum expedited her way out of your home, which is not a bad thing. Chances are she will more motivated to get employed if living with some in-law than being in the comfort of her twin brother’s place. It’s funny how her parents are not rushing to take her in their home.” Mission-Cloud360

6 points - Liked by really, SunnyDuckling611, FatMama and 3 more

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deleted_user 2 years ago
No is a complete sentence. Take the advice of another poster and keep saying no. Or pay for a plane ticket back to mama
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14. AITJ For Prioritizing My Mental Health Over My Partner's?


“I (25m) have a partner (22f), and for the past two years, my life was just… go to work, come home, take care of my partner, maybe sleep if possible. (edit at the bottom) you see, my partner is in constant pain and can’t use her arms and fingers, and is always rambling about how she is doomed and how her body is her enemy.

I’ve been trying to fight this uphill battle for two years, and I’m getting weak.

It drains my psyche.

Of course, I carefully tried to tell her that I would like some sort of vacation from my day job, seeing as I already collapsed twice from exhaustion at work, but she got angry, calling me a coward and that my problems are nothing compared to hers.

So I kept at it. Taking care of her while being the only breadwinner.

But in the last two weeks, I really felt miserable, since she started increasing her depressive episodes, and I was worried sick about her.

So much so that I even went to the doctor at my work, who listened to my situation and told me that yes, I am definitely, unfit for work (mostly because I was close to crying 24/7), but that my partner also needs professional help.

That day I went home with the news that I got a week off of work to take care of her, and she was immediately angry, first asking stuff like ‘where will the coin come from?’ and ‘I’m sure you will be fired if you do that too much!’

Then, when I tried to assure her that everything was taken care of, she just suddenly exploded, screamed at me, calling me a liar, claiming that I must hate her because she is always a handful and that I don’t love her, that it’s ‘better for you if I leave you! You want that, right???’

It was too much for me.

I literally broke down crying, and suddenly I couldn’t move my body anymore, I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t breathe. I was in a medicinal stupor.

I fell from my seating, just flobbed onto the floor like wet calamari, hitting my head in the process.

I was extremely scared, and I was sure that I was going to give up.

My partner, on the other hand, took my complete mental breakdown as an insult to her, continuing her hate tirade for two hours, even kicking me, screaming into my ear about how I must hate her, then ignoring me lying on the floor for a while only to continue later, all the while screaming at me to stop and….

oh god, it’s getting hard to write this. I’m such a loser.

Anyways, an ambulance was called and I am now in a hospital with a psychiatric ward because the docs there have recently diagnosed me with depression, and it took me the entire evening and a lot of pills to almost recover.

The docs now want me to focus on my own mental well-being, but my partner obviously has it harder than me, so…

Now I feel like a total jerk, like a total loser that stuff like this happened to me, and I am constantly doubting myself.

Please tell me that I am a jerk because I sure feel like one

Edit: a lot of you guys seem to want me to leave her.

This is super hard for me to do as I still love her, and we live together, and she has access to all my finances and nowhere else to go.

She also said that she’s only alive because of me, and I fear that she will take her life when I’m gone. Maybe I could even be held accountable for her possible decisions?

Another User Comments:
“So OP, I’m very similar to your partner, I have chronic pain, and some days can barely walk, my partner is an absolute angel and blessing of a man because he does so much to help me.

BUT I still do my best to help where I can, and I support him when he is stressed out or having mental health issues, your partner is extremely abusive, how can she see you sobbing on the floor unable to move and her reaction is to verbally berate you, and then physically assault you???? I don’t want to be harsh or mean but she doesn’t care about you if that’s how she reacts to your needs, and to support you, she cares about what she gains from you and that’s it.

My partner has been starting to have back pain and although it doesn’t come close to the pain I feel I’m still sympathetic, offer solutions, ask if there are things I can do to help. When he got sick I picked up the slack, unfortunately, our relationship isn’t 50/50 with partner balance because physically I can’t do that, but I do everything I can to help keep my partner from feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

Your partner is in absolute wrong here. I’m telling you this as someone pretty much the same as she is, she’s being completely unfair, and abusive to you, my partner said it made him feel like he failed when I insisted and started giving him ‘rent’ each month because he was holding himself to an impossible standard.

You are doing so much for her, you’re an amazing guy with a wonderful heart to be able to do what you’ve been doing, and she’s taking you for granted.

You’re not a failure, and you’re not a bad person for having mental health struggles, especially in your situation. I hope that you feel better, and I hope you start doing what’s best for you because you need to put yourself first.” No-Dish-847

Another User Comments:

No, you are not a jerk at all. What you are is a ‘human’. With human needs and human limitations.

I know where you’re coming from…

my wife is seriously disabled, with (at best) a poor long-term outlook. She is physically unable to do even the simplest things unless it’s something she can do on a computer. Fortunately, this allows her to do some things that bring in financial support (because she’s extremely intelligent and imaginative), so we’re comfortable financially, but I’m responsible for basically every single thing having to do with basic housekeeping and maintenance – as well as support her emotionally and keep her company.

And I won’t lie, it’s pretty hard. Sometimes really hard. At 64, I’m not sure how many more years I’ll be able to do it, but I just take it a week at a time. It is definitely wearing me out though. The way I look at it, as hard as it is for me, it’s 10 times harder for her, and I’m just grateful to be the one she chose to share her life with so that I’m able to be there for her and help her.

So up to this point, my narrative sounds like it’s almost identical to yours. In fact, I really can’t help wondering if they share the same genetic disorder.

But there is a significant departure – my wife doesn’t take me for granted; your partner does. My wife is fully aware of how much of my life I have given up in order to make hers better and feels terrible about it every day.

Your partner only cares to the extent that she’s worried about what will happen to her when you finally collapse and can’t do it anymore. My wife does everything she can, whenever she can, to make my life easier and more comfortable, and not because she’s afraid of what will happen to her if I collapse – because she loves me and cares about me.

In 15 + years now, I have never, ever – not one single time – heard my wife complain about how sick she is or the literally constant pain she is in.

I can probably count on one hand the number of times she’s expressed fear over the fact that her chance of living to age 50 is slim (she’s 42), but even those times weren’t actually complaints. She does, on the other hand, express concern on a daily basis over how I’m doing, what we can do to make it easier for me to have a richer, more varied life.

Because she cares about me as much as I do about her, maybe even more.

And that’s all the difference, right there. Your partner is blatantly abusing you, and using you like you’re a rented mule – drive you until you drop, then rent another. And unless she stops abusing you, she will cause you harm. She’s halfway finished with that project already. If you really want to help her and save yourself at the same time, you may want to try to find some way to get her to get some help in dealing with her situation in a more constructive manner, and one that is more respectful of you.

I wish the best of luck to both of you… I know what you’re both going through, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Please do what you have to do to take care of yourself first because you can’t do anything for her if you don’t.” Unseen_Owl

Another User Comments:
“Oh, Hun. I would hug you if I could.

I have significant mental health issues, and a few physical ones thrown in just for fun.

My partner does a LOT more for me than I am able to do for him. He works full time, and I do not work. On top of that, he is my ONLY support system, since we live in his home country, which is on a different continent from mine, and I cannot speak the language.

I am extremely grateful for what he does for me. From time to time I irrationally blame him for things that are not his fault (because my brain is broken), but I apologize instead of doubling down on the hatred.

He too has some mental health issues and I think also suffers, though to a lesser degree than you, from caregiver fatigue, which is definitely my part of your problem. It’s completely natural for that to happen. It’s even more likely to happen when the person you’re caring for is abusive and manipulative, like your partner.

If you are literally collapsing and being hospitalized from exhaustion and burnout that’s not good.

You are not a loser. Nothing about you is loser material, so don’t ever think that. Suffering is suffering. Just because your partner is suffering, that doesn’t negate your suffering. You matter too.

And here is the thing you need to know: you are not obligated to put up with her abuse, just because she has issues. You are not obligated to stay with her just because she has issues.

She clearly is not grateful for what you do for her, and she clearly doesn’t respect you. She is mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. You do not have to put up with that from anyone for any reason. Her having issues is not an excuse for being abusive. It is not a reason for being abusive. You deserve better. You need to leave her, for your own sake.

Things have reached a point where you HAVE TO prioritize your mental health over her. Tell her that you want to break up, and use your time in hospital to get over the emotional aspect. All the stuff she is saying is just to manipulate you into keeping her around, so she can use you for food and as a punching bag. You need to get away from her. Take some time off work and stay with the family as you can, so you can regroup and get your head together. Depression is hard, but by cutting your partner out of your life, you will make things much easier on yourself.

NTJ.” digitalgraffiti-ca

5 points - Liked by really, thmo, Gmom4597 and 2 more

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Theflamazing1 2 years ago
Ntj. You are being abused. You say you love her but... Do you just love being able to take care of her? You may have an attachment disorder or it may be part of your depression. Ask yourself... what is there to love about her? Kicking you physically while you were defenseless? Verbally abusing you every day? She's more than a jerk and you need to get away from her.
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13. AITJ For Not Caring That My Coworker Has Kids?


“I (26f) work on a team where each team member volunteers themselves for specific tasks to complete every day. Most tasks can be handled by one person, however, there are a few large tasks that require 2 or 3 people.

Our boss has made it very clear that everyone needs to be doing a task, and we need to treat the online environment as similar to working in an office.

All childcare needs, pet sitting, and other home-related issues cannot distract you during work hours, otherwise, you need to take time off to deal with it. I personally do not have kids or pets, however many of my other coworkers do.

One day I was paired up with one of my coworkers for a large task, and she also has a child at home. Let’s call this coworker ‘Jane.’

Jane has a child and a dog at home.

Usually, this isn’t a big issue, however, on the day we were paired, she would repeatedly be away from her desk, not answering messages, and trying to pass off her work to me. There was a point where she went offline, and later she said that her child had decided to turn off her work laptop while she was working. There was also another point where she claimed that her dog threw up and she ended up being away for a while.

Usually, I would try to be accommodating in these circumstances. I understand that childcare can be really difficult to get sometimes, especially if it’s a last-minute sort of thing. However, I had spoken to another coworker of mine who had an experience with her. She noticed that Jane was on shift but did not sign up for a task. She was essentially just sitting around getting paid while not actually working.

When the coworker confronted Jane about it, she had said that ‘when she logged in, all the tasks were already filled.’ When tasks are filled, we are instructed to ‘buddy’ with someone that is working alone, but she didn’t.

After hearing this story, and also getting fed up with having to do double the work, I stopped agreeing to take on her workload. When she messaged me, I would simply say ‘no’ or give a dumb excuse as to why I couldn’t do it.

When she started calling me, I ignored her. Jane then said she would report me to our managers, saying that I am unable to work in a team and share the workload fairly.

I made the argument that if she was unable to work due to her home situation, then she should take the day off. I would much rather do this task alone than share it with someone who can’t commit to their part.

Jane argued that she was able to do her work, but I just don’t understand what it’s like to have kids.

Although it is true, I don’t fully understand what it’s like to have kids, but I also know that I haven’t had this problem with other coworkers who are parents of little ones.


Another User Comments:
“NTJ – tbh I know this might be unpopular, but the kids and pet excuses are tired.

My team at work is fantastic no one makes excuses and we all share the workload. If you are working from home, you’re working. If you can’t find childcare then you need to take the day off bc it’s unfair to constantly burden your teammates bc you decided to have a child and pet and the rest of us have to suck it up and take your work on top of ours while you get paid the same.

I think occasionally if things come up, that’s fine. No one will argue to cover for you. But if it’s every day or an every week thing, you have to figure it out. Half my team has kids and pets and I never feel overwhelmed with work. When they ask me to cover bc their dog got sick or their kids have a check-up or something, no problem I’ll do it.

It’s mutual respect. It’s clear that Jane is being lazy and not pulling her weight if more than just you is saying the same thing about her.

You might need to note down when she does this and eventually have a talk with your manager.” Fun-Tourist-7395

3 points - Liked by really, lyl and elel

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deleted_user 2 years ago
NTJ. Many people with kids think that having kids means they deserve special exceptions made.
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12. AITJ For Getting Upset That The Refugee Family Took My Child's Car?


“I live in an upper middle-class townhouse complex in California. My family owns our house, but lots of families rent or live multiple families in one house. Saying this to say my family is doing alright. One of those families that live multiple families in one is a Ukrainian family of 4 that live together with 3 other people in their townhouse, I’ve spoken to the mom a few times as we have children with the same age gap.

We are friendly but not friends, normal sort of neighborhood mom thing.

One day our garage was left open, and closest to the gate was my toddler daughter’s electric car she gets pushed around in, it’s one of her favorite toys. I was on the balcony directly above the garage when I heard the young refugee family walk by, the toddler son runs into our garage and takes the car, the mom says what sounds like her telling him no and to put it back (I have no clue but just based on the tone of her voice) but little man doesn’t put it back, and drives it 20 feet over to their townhouse, plays with it for a little outside and I’m thinking okay maybe they are gonna put it back when he’s done I know how toddlers can be maybe she’s trying to prevent a meltdown, but then closes their garage and inside is my daughter’s car.

I’m a bit shocked because to me that’s essentially theft at worst and at best just really poor socially, I am from Europe myself but not from Ukraine so I don’t know if this is culturally like a community share thing for I’m not aware of, but it’s now been a week and the car has not made its return.

Now early today they were outside blatantly playing with the car right in front of us, I’m not very confrontational so I just smiled and walked by.

My husband is annoyed and says it’s so f-ing odd and that he’s gonna go over there and truthfully I feel the same, but am I being a jerk? They are refugees, they live with 2 other families I can’t imagine doing that. But that car is not cheap and it was my daughter’s favorite. Would I be the jerk if I asked for it back?

EDIT: Thank you! Surprised by the amount of NTJ honestly.

Thought a lot was gonna call me spoiled/privileged or a bad person, to let them have the toy and just buy another one. I’ll go over and suggest they can borrow it from time to time, but that it belongs in my garage.”

Another User Comments:
“No jerks jere, you wouldn’t be a jerk to ask for it back. I think it probably is a cultural difference thing, especially if she’s playing with it in front of you.

I’d just politely ask for it back, and if you wanted to say her child can borrow it every so often. You’re not obliged to, but it could be nice given that they probably can’t afford things like that for their kids, and their kids might feel a bit sad seeing other kids with those kinds of toys. I know that’s not technically your problem but you know it could be a nice thing to do.” rosealoe

Another User Comments:
“NTJ but kind of weird that you waited a week.

The mom may have seen you watching the kid take it and viewed it as a kind of implicit permission. As you said, you know sometimes toddlers grab things

Just go to them and say that you noticed he had it, but you need it back because it’s one of your daughter’s favorite toys. If you’re worried about them having less than you, can you maybe offer a cheaper toy that your daughter doesn’t play with? Not necessary, of course, but if you have toys that take up space that you don’t use, might be useful.” Usrname52

Another User Comments:
“YTJ for waving and smiling instead of taking your child’s toy back they stole a week ago.” Mis_Bee_Have

Another User Comments:

They cannot just walk onto your property and take something because their child likes it. You or your husband should definitely go over and get it back because it’s not fair to your daughter that a favorite toy has been stolen. If you don’t address this now, it’s likely their son will become interested in your daughter’s other toys, and that’s not a situation you want to start. The parents should also know better, as stealing is stealing, no matter the culture, and this is far beyond borrowing.” TinyRascalSaurus

3 points - Liked by really, elel and tila1

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Mistweave 2 years ago
They're the jerks for robbing you. The better route would have been to open a window or call over the balcony to put it back when you saw them take it.
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11. AITJ For Not Letting My Ex Move In, Which Will Cost Her Custody?


“So when I (35M) was 22, I got married to Kristen. We had our son Skylar (11M) about a year into our marriage. Things were going pretty well I felt like. I was working, Kristen was staying home with Skylar. Things were tight but I was able to buy us a home and provide a decent life. I was just getting started in IT so the was coming.

Just had to be patient. Well I come home one day and half the stuff is gone, so is Skylar and Kristen. Note on the counter. Kristen said that she was unhappy with our lifestyle. That she wanted something that wasn’t ‘mediocre’ and wanted to live a good life. She had been seeing someone else and was moving in with him. And I needed to get a lawyer.

We go through a nasty divorce and get split custody.

So I remarried a few years later to my current wife Alana. She’s amazing and the most supportive person ever. We have one daughter together. I started my own IT consulting business about 5 years ago and it’s taken off. Giving me, my wife, Skylar, and Gwen a nice life. My ex has had a string of significant others and hasn’t remarried.

We don’t talk at all besides details about Skylar. So I get a call a week ago from Kristen. She was asking for a place to stay for a little bit. Her partner was kicking her out and she didn’t have anywhere else to go. She wasn’t gonna be able to afford a safe place for her and Skylar. She asked if she could live in our guest house until she could find a place to live.

I basically told her no. That she didn’t deserve my charity after walking out on me a decade ago. That she as a mother needs to clean up her life and provide for him. And that if she wasn’t gonna be able to afford a safe place to live, then I wanted to revisit the custody agreement. Because I don’t want Skylar to move into some sketchy apartment or with some sketchy guy.

But I told her I’d ask my wife and get back to her. My wife hates Kristen but said she doesn’t want Skylar resenting us if something happens to his mom. But she really doesn’t want my ex living here either and would prefer to revisit the custody agreement. In order to give Skylar some more stability. So we thought this is our chance to push for sole custody.

My mom wants me to consider the message this sends to our son. My dad told me to remember the note on my counter 10 years ago and to think about what is best for my son in the long run. AITJ?

Edit: because some people have asked. Yes, Skylar loves his mom. She isn’t a bad mom to him. We haven’t asked his opinion because we are sure he would want her to move in.

Edit: we don’t want a temporary agreement. Cause that would lead to more instability for Skylar. This would be a final decision.”

Another User Comments:
“Hey OP, I hope all these comments have fed your ego enough. Here’s the reality, you don’t care about his well-being you care about revenge. You care about getting back at her. You care about ruining her life and taking her child away.

You openly admit to her being a good mother, to there never being problems in her parenting and her being able to provide for him. You also admit to not wanting to consider any other options for the care of your child while she gets back on her feet. Because you don’t want that. Here’s the other thing OP, you present this in court and when they find out you haven’t paid any form of child support you’ll be kicked in the gut.

When you can’t present any evidence of poor parenting other than her CURRENT unstable situation it will be even worse. Don’t kid yourself in these comments, or your post that this is about Skylar. No, this is about you. You can feel good about yourself now, but the court will treat the situation otherwise.

YTJ for your attitude and behavior; and how you are using your son as a pawn.

If you had left it at not wanting to home her I would go with NTJ. But it’s more than that.

So yes you are the jerk.” jinxonjupiter

Another User Comments:
“I’m going to have to say NTJ.

I see a lot of people calling you ‘petty’ and ‘bitter’ but honestly, I don’t think you are being unreasonable.

Hear me out. I am saying this as the future wife of a man who spent his entire life growing up with a mother just like your son’s mother.

She adopted him when he was 5 and apparently after she ‘became a mother’ decided that her husband was no longer ‘enough’ and spent the next 20 years bouncing from one man and ‘father figure’ to the next. Mind you, she never had a job. She has spent her entire life looking for the next person to take care of her.

My fiance, on the outside, had a ‘good life’ because all of these men had nice houses, cars, jobs, etc.

But now, at 35, he tells me that he was MISERABLE. Every time the next guy didn’t work out, he felt like he lost his identity over and over. He was seriously messed up for a long time. Some of his issues almost ended our relationship. His mom did finally marry a man about 15 years ago but that husband never wanted anything to do with her adult son and it shows.

My fiance has been undergoing therapy, at my urging. He has done a full 180 to what he was when I first met him. He had never had any concept of real relationships or a real family. When he found himself surrounded by people who actually cared about him, he didn’t know how to deal.

Your ex-wife has been bringing your son up in a revolving door of men, by the sounds of it.

Now she is being kicked out with no prospect of another man to pay her way and she wants to come crawling back to you. Your son isn’t a toddler anymore. He knows what he knows. All the naysayers talking about ‘damaging’ him, need to know that he has already been damaged by a mother who, no matter how loving on the outside, has prioritized her need for ‘lifestyle’ over her marriage, her child, and her own self-respect.

You need to take HIM in and explain that mom needs to work out her situation. The last thing he needs is for mom to move in with the first person that looks in her direction just so she can have someone ‘take care of her.’

Believe me, if you let her move in, she will never leave. She will just see you as her next sugar daddy.

And it will only confuse your son more.

(For context. I am divorced. My daughters are 16 and 18. Their dad and I divorced as friends when the girls were very young and have maintained a loving, covalent relationship. In all of these years, I only asked to ONE NIGHT at his house… because in my quiet suburban neighborhood, my next-door neighbor shot his wife and daughter and their dog and then himself and I had to haul out with the girls so they didn’t have to deal with the media and first responders.

I slept on his couch. That one night. In 14 years. )

Get custody of your son. If your mom is so concerned about your ex, she can go live with her.” Glass_Status_5837

Another User Comments:
“I don’t really have a judgment about whether you are the jerk or not because I think this is SO much more complicated than that, but I do want to say that your son’s mental and emotional wellbeing, as well as his relational and attachment factors all need to be taken into account when making your decision on how to ultimately proceed, not just his physical health.

Taking full custody when his mom has been in his life 50/50 from the time he was young might not actually be what is ultimately best for him (but then again, it might be I don’t know, I am not there). I can very much appreciate your new wife not wanting your ex to live with you, as can I appreciate you remembering that note on your counter from 10 years ago and wanting to be able to provide your son with more stability.

You certainly have no obligation to open your home to your ex. But please do consider what is best for your son. Physical, emotional, mental, relational, and attachment.

Just because I think I need a ruling I am going to go with ‘no jerks here.” blewberyBOOM

Another User Comments:
“YTJ, your comments, and edits reveal you’re not really thinking about the best interest of your son. You don’t have to let your ex move in but to want permanent sole custody over your ex being temporarily financially strained is definitely a jerk move and you should know that.

You can’t replace a child’s parent, no matter how bad of a choice you feel like you made, and unless there is abuse to the child deserves to have both their parents involved as much as possible. It seems you’re hiding behind the ‘instability’ claims when you never even paid child support, which contributed to financial instability in at least half of your child’s life. A parent who truly cares about the stability of their child and the quality of their child’s life would get over themselves and do what is actually good for the child, taking sole custody in a situation without abuse is the opposite of that.” nekiwa

Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not wanting her to not move in, but you clearly have no idea how custody arrangements work, even if you get sole custody now, there will be nothing final about it.

Your ex can take you back to court to revisit it in the future when she is able to provide a home for him. Secondly, you better think long and hard about how you speak about your ex to your son in the event that you do get primary custody because in the USA family court judges do not look kindly on parents who engage in parental alienation and you could get sued for it.

You even admit your ex is a good mother and your son loves and wants to be with her. If you were truly thinking about his emotional and physical needs, you’d understand your hatred of your ex cannot cloud your judgment when dealing with the very different feelings your son has for her.” Gwennylou

Another User Comments:
“Going to be downvoted, but I don’t care considering my mom went through an extremely similar situation as OP’s ex.

She had a job, lived with her partner, everything was great, & one day she showed up at my apartment with my two youngest sisters, a couple of bags, blankets & pillows. Her partner had kicked them out & they literally had nowhere to go, so my husband & I let us stay with us until she got on her feet.

Now, my Dad was very much aware of the situation, & despite the fact that they had a bad relationship, he kept the child support coming & even paid more to help her get into an apartment more quickly, then went back to regular payments after that.

He very well could have gone the route you want to go in, given their history, but he didn’t, because she was the mother of his children, his kids love their mom & it was the right thing to do.

I don’t think you understand how difficult it is to be a single mom, especially if one doesn’t have a college education & literally doesn’t know anything else besides having to rely on a SO.

Not saying she hasn’t made poor choices; my mom did too. But she did her best, as I’m sure Kirsten is, & she wouldn’t be asking OP for help unless it was truly a last resort. Not saying she should move in, certainly not, but there are other ways to help her.

Based on your comments, this isn’t about stability for your son, it’s about revenge, & that’s why YTJ.

If you go through with this, your son will never forgive you. Show him what it is to be the bigger, better person rather than someone who is vindictive & will hurt others in the cruelest way possible when they’re at the lowest points of their life(I say this because we were everything to my mom, & losing custody of us probably would’ve killed her; she’s no longer with us due to illness but I’m still grateful to this day for my dad helping her when she needed it the most).” insanityizgood13

2 points - Liked by Realitycheck and elel

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Theflamazing1 2 years ago
Ntj, as long as you still agree to let your son see his mother. You aren't obligated to provide housing for her. At most you could help her secure other living arrangements.
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10. AITJ Because We're About To Close In 3 Minutes?


“So I work in fast food, it was the end of the night and both service area and kitchen were closing things down. At this point it is 10: 57 and we close at 11:00, so I start shutting down the grill and everything else in the kitchen. Well, the problem with that is someone comes through the drive-thru at 10:58 and tries to order a bunch of food, and we tell her that we shut down the kitchen and she just starts yelling at us about how we’re not doing our jobs, so AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.

When I worked in fast food, we essentially cooked up some food about 15 minutes before closing and then stopped cooking for the night; I would tell people that if I did not have it cooked, then you could not order it. However, I’m still leaning toward ‘everyone sucks here’ solely because it is your job to keep serving until you close, with the exception of specific menu items.

‘Everyone sucks here’ because I totally get it, but at the end of the day, it is your job to keep serving.” Massive_Equal7645

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, unless everyone else there didn’t want to turn off the grill and start closing. I liked to tell customers that ordered a large amount of food right before close that because they couldn’t pay before close our ‘systems wouldn’t accept it’ and that I wouldn’t take their payment until after the order was made to “ensure we had enough ingredients” which the second part is mostly true.” LinesLies

Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but I understand not wanting to take an order 3 minutes till closing. Different stores have different rules but if you’re open till 11 you sever till 11. There are things that can be done early to help you get out early but missing a sale so that you can get out 5 minutes early is a jerk move. That’s all it would take to make a customer their food even if it was 4 people.” Sufficient_Leg_9940

1 points - Liked by really

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Khat 2 years ago
As someone who has worked in fast food, the customers are definitely the jerks here. Coming through at 5 to for something simple like a drink, or even asking what's still available is one thing. Ordering a bunch of food to be made fresh is straight up rude and inconsiderate. Contrary to the comment above, it takes more than 5 minutes to cook, prepare and bag up food from fresh for an order. Depending on just what they ordered, you could be talking 10 minutes or more. And whether you're getting paid until you leave or not is not the point. It's late and those employees would like to go home and relax after a day of dealing with, very likely, a bunch of people who were just as, if not more, rude. At even 10 to, I'd be trying to keep any order I requested as manageable as possible. People need to start treating their servers with more respect. They're not there for you to walk all over.
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9. AITJ For Asking My Ex For A Loan Then Calling Him Insane?


“Once upon a time I was engaged but I broke it off. I loved my ex a lot but everything that came with marrying him terrified me… I was young and cracked under the pressure.

While I hadn’t spoken to my ex since I moved out, I still talk to some of our mutual friends and I know he hates my guts. I wouldn’t have contacted him if I had other options but I didn’t.

My sister was in an accident abroad and since she never got travel insurance it was incredibly expensive to get her treatment. I couldn’t afford it and neither could my mother. So, I asked my ex for a loan.

I went to see him and he wasn’t happy to see me. It took a lot of groveling to get him to agree to give me a loan but he decided to add a ridiculous condition to him giving me the money.

He expected me to do an unlimited amount of favors for him until I had paid it back in full. I told him he was insane and he told me if I didn’t like it, I could leave. We had an argument but I ended up apologizing because I really did need his help.


Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you’re the reason he’s not married and then while he’s hurt (being dumped while engaged I imagine is much more painful than a normal breakup) you ask him for a large amount.

At least he gave you an option when he owes you less than nothing. You already owe him for all the pain you caused him.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be doing this to help your sister if it’s making you go to these lengths. Let her take a loan out if it’s that bad or just come back and get it fixed.” Kingalece

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.

First your sister for not getting insurance (if this was my family I would not get them anything if they were too lazy/cheap to get something as simple and cheap as to travel insurance all consequences are on them.)

You for getting a loan from an ex who hates your guts, nothing good can come of this.

Your ex slightly as well. As he is loaning you he can set the conditions for this loan but he should have just refused. Or maybe he set all these weird conditions to make sure you did not accept.” N0K1K0

1 points - Liked by lyl

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jasn1 2 years ago
I don't think anyone is a jerk here but you should never have asked your ex for help, regardless of the circumstances. You dumped him then asked for help. Sorry but no way. You didn't specify what the favors were so I don't know if that was out of line.. But it doesn't sound like he wasnt going to get money back so he was trying to get something back. No, he shouldn't have done that but you should not have asked him for money in the first place.
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8. WIBTJ For Asking Someone Not To Smoke In Their Own Car?


“I don’t vape, never have, and most likely never will. Too many members of my family have had smoking/vaping-related health emergencies and it has just scared me to never try it. For some reason, I start to panic when someone around me smokes/vapes, but ONLY in cars. If we were outside hanging out, or even in their house, I’d be fine. But for some reason, doing it in cars makes me anxious.

I think a part of it is not being 100% focused on the road.

On to the problem, every Saturday evening, I carpool with a friend to go to church. Sometimes, not always, while he’s driving (because the only car I have access to is my grandpa’s, and he doesn’t like me driving other people in his car), he’ll roll down the window and vape. I know vaping/smoking can be an anxious thing, and some people genuinely need it throughout the day.

I suppose it’s convenient for my friend to get off of work, be home for 30 minutes and get ready for church, pick me up, and drive the 15-20 minutes to get there while getting his fix. Should I just suck it up for these few measly minutes pretending not to be uncomfortable/anxious, or should I talk to him? I don’t want him to think I hate his vaping habit.

I just want to let him know that the context of vaping in the car makes me nervous. WIBTJ for even bringing it up?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ if you talk to him when you are ‘not’ in the car, and make it casual. Tell him how you feel and ask if he would mind. But be ready to arrange other transportation if he does mind. Y W B T J if you guilt him or otherwise pressure him to change what he does because you want to keep using him for rides.” SuperLoris

Another User Comments:
“If you’re not pushy about it, YWNBTJ.

It’s a reasonable concern, and it shouldn’t hurt to ask. I think your friend probably WNBTJ either if he politely declines since it’s his car, but if you do this ride thing regularly and you’re friends, for sure talk about it. If it were a one-time thing, and/or riding with someone you don’t really know so well, I’d just not say anything unless they ask. But if it’s your friend and you often ride along, no problem to just ask, and explain your feelings.” SurgeonofDeath47

Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. This person is doing you a favor by giving you a ride. They roll down the window and your complaint doesn’t even have anything to do with the smell. It’s that you don’t think they can give their full attention to driving. People drink sodas, eat snacks, smoke and vape while driving all the time and still pay attention to the road.” windyrainyrain

1 points - Liked by FeralsShinyCat

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lasm1 2 years ago
WTBTJ for telling you to walk? If the answer is yes, then there's your answer, you are the jerk.. it doesn't even matter if you help pay for gas or not, that's their car and clearly you don't have other means of transportation, so you don't get to tell people that you're bumming a ride from what they can and can't do in their own car. If someone smoking or vaping makes you anxious or put you in a panic then perhaps you should find other means of transportation
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7. AITJ For Hating My Brother-In-Law When He Says He's "Childfree"?


“My wife (27) and I (27) have a 4-year-old son, we’ve been having an incredibly busy work schedule of the last 2 years and family’s been doing a great job helping out with our son.

We usually have members of my inlaws take our son whenever we have a work trip or a shift coming up. From my wife’s mom to her sister to her dad except for my 31-year-old brother-in-law (wife’s brother).

He’s made it clear he is just not interested in spending time with his nephew, keeps saying that the reason for that is that he’s actually ‘childfree.’ For so many emergencies he has turned me and my wife away when we begged him to watch our son and he didn’t even budge or apologize for his attitude.

It all came to head a couple of days ago, I had a work meeting while my wife was out of town and my inlaws were attending a wedding so no one was free to watch my son except for my BIL.

I showed up at his place and told him I was desperate for help and needed him to just watch my son for 2 hours. He refused, even suggested I take him with me to work but that’s not a good suggestion. I begged him and he just said no. I had enough. I confronted him and asked why? Why does he not like his nephew and he threw that ‘no it’s just that I’m childfree’ excuse which made me lose it.

I told him to just stop because it’s cringy of him to keep saying that and use it as an excuse to be unsupportive of me and his sister and cold towards his nephew. I told him he should really do better and stop being so negative but he got mad and said I had no right to disrespect his lifestyle/choices but it’s the attitude that gets me.

We had an exchange of words where he said my son isn’t his responsibility whatsoever then I left.

He complained to my inlaws and they ‘called me out’ for disrespecting their son and treating him like that. They insisted that he’s not responsible for my son and I shouldn’t expect so much from him then guilt him about it. They wanted me to apologize and my wife said I should but he was about as helpful and supportive as a rock so, I decided I will take my time before I consider apologizing.


Another User Comments:
“YTJ. A work meeting isn’t an emergency – that’s poor forward planning on your part. They may be unexpected but they are NOT an emergency. Jobs have meetings, it’s a fundamental part of many jobs. An emergency is you or your wife ending up in a hospital. An emergency is the house has flooded. Anything else is unexpected or poor planning.

Why should family be totally responsible for looking after your child – presumably for free – even when they have no interest or desire to? A lot of people are uncomfortable with children and childcare – especially when those kids are young.

You put a 1-year-old in my housemate’s arm for a minute while making the formula and she freezes like you’ve handed her a venomous snake. That same kid’s older brother she will happily sit and do a puzzle with, but if he asked her for something to eat or drink or help to go to the toilet she wouldn’t have a clue what to do. As a parent, it is irresponsible to even attempt to leave your child alone in the care of an unwilling sitter.

The fact you are not only still pressuring him to ‘step up’ for something he is IN NO WAY OBLIGATED OR RESPONSIBLE FOR, but also trying to shame him for is despicable. Get your kid into proper childcare and stop leaching off relatives.

It doesn’t matter what his plans were, he’ll he could have planned to sit in front of the TV drinking beer – but having a 4-year-old to supervise takes that off the table.

The study is off the table, cleaning is doubled if not tripled, the other person’s work suffers, etc. When you ask other people to give up their time and plans to babysit you respect their answer and if they say yes you COMPENSATE them appropriately. Babysitting =/= fun family time. Babysitting is work with additional obligations and responsibilities.” Aradene

Another User Comments:
“YTJ – This instance on knowing why BIL won’t watch his nephew falls well within the ‘be careful what you wish for’ advice.

Your brother’s standard line isn’t an excuse it’s his best polite reason. You may want to stop pushing because this isn’t going to go how you think it will. It’s not you who is wrong here it’s him by being constantly pressed to do something he’s already said he doesn’t want to do and nagged to give a better ‘excuse’. One day he’s going to get tired of we’re family you owe use help nonsense and that’s when he’ll blow his top and unload on you.

I wouldn’t be surprised if words like your little brat, messy and never listens, invades my space, hates childish stuff, and doesn’t want to entertain a kid for several hours are thrown out there. Plus an accusation that you don’t respect his time or plans. And he’d be right, or at least he’d be entitled to his opinion.

There are things you need to realize: 1. Some people are not kid people in any way shape or form and they think of kids like polar bears; cute from a distance but don’t approach or interact.

They do not have to change that mindset because you procreated 2. You are responsible for raising the kids you bring into the world, your busy work schedule is not an emergency or an edict that others must help you with. If work sucks up that much of your time get a babysitter on call or hire a nanny. People who have jobs that require travel and time commitments should know how to plan better. 3. Speaking of planning, plan better, you know your wife is away, you know work is busy for you… you should have had childcare on standby already for this exact reason. Honestly, you sound like an entitled mess and I don’t blame BIL for not wanting to get caught up in it.” AliceReadsThis

1 points - Liked by really and AZD255

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jasn1 2 years ago
YTJ You keep asking him to help when he has fully expressed his opinion on the matter. It doesn't mean he doesn't like your son, only that he doesn't want to be responsible for him. Why would you want someone watching your son that has made it plain and clear he doesn't want to do it. He has told you no multiple times but you keep asking.
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6. AITJ For Not Letting My New Neighbors Use My Driveway?


“The reason I am asking is that they were/are in the middle of building a garage which they won’t be able to use unless I let them use my driveway.

Not sure if it is relevant but I am 29, the new neighbors are probably in their early 30s and my previous neighbor was 78.

I allowed my neighbor to use my driveway roughly a year and a half ago to get to his yard to park his car on his back terrace (he had no fence there and my backyard is fenced).

After he asked me, he told me he was having trouble finding a parking spot on our busy street and he was no longer able to walk bigger distances. I rather not allow anything like that most of the time but we were always on good terms and well it didn’t really hurt me as I only had one car at the time so didn’t need the extra space he would need to pass my car and get to his terrace.

Just to be clear, from the back of my backyard, in a straight line to the edge of my neighbor’s house all the way to the sidewalk is mine, there is no right of passage, no shared ownership, it’s all mine.

Around 5 months ago my neighbor moved out and went to live in assisted living. His daughter put his house up for sale and that’s as much as I know about that, I figured it would go back to how it was.

My grandpa since gifted me his 2 motorcycles which take up roughly the space of a car and my GF is over 5 out of 7 days so the situation has changed in terms of space and I utilize the full width of the driveway.

The house was sold 3 months ago.

Anyhow, I went on a holiday for about 3 weeks shortly after and I come home to a bunch of cars and machines sitting in my driveway with a bunch of dudes building a garage where my neighbor’s terrace was.

It got really heated as I made all the construction guys and their stuff get off my property and later had a huge argument with the neighbors where they claimed they bought the house with the driveway and how half the driveway was theirs. I told them I had all my paperwork in order but they can call the local council to have them send one of their dudes to measure it.

After that they quickly shifted gear stating they had the right of passage because the previous owner had it, I told them I personally allowed him to temporarily use my driveway because of his age and walking issues. After a lot more cursing I told them I was done talking and the next time I see them park on my driveway I’ll have them towed and report them for trespassing.

I ended up extending my fence out of petty spite essentially blocking in their garage and closing the opening. They have been over several times trying to get me to agree to give them the right of way, offering to purchase part of the driveway, and so forth.

My partner has been there since the start and has recently told me I am being a bit of a jerk as the neighbors likely bought the place thinking they had right of way, so am I a jerk?”

Another User Comments:

If their agent told them they were getting a part of the driveway or any use out of it – when it’s clearly NOT in the deed, then they should sue their agent and leave you alone.

The fact that they never said a word to you and then started building while you were out of town says a lot to me. Like they knew full well what they were doing and they had no rights here, but went with the ‘it’s better to say you’re sorry than ask permission.’

And letting a 78-year-old neighbor park as you did should in no way mean you give up the rights to your property in perpetuity.

And if you didn’t put up the fence, they’d keep using it and harassing you.

I see your partner’s point in that you even say you feel like you’re being petty, BUT letting them use it or without the fence having them use it in blatant violation of your wishes could eventually cause you to lose the rights to that part of your property.

Keep the fence.

The only thing close to jerk behavior is the yelling and swearing.

From now on calmly state your rights and if needed, get a real estate lawyer to talk to them or write something up showing your current rights and the possible bad things that can happen to you if you allow what they want.

They have no right to just decide to take over your property because you were nice to the previous neighbor.” indi50

Another User Comments:
“I’m familiar with English law rather than the US so bit sure on the US side but in many jurisdictions, you need to be careful when granting people permission to do things/rights over your land…

In my view essentially NTJ.

In some jurisdictions, you were also lucky that the duration for which you permitted your neighbor to do this was so short as in some jurisdictions a right exercised for a long time can, in various different ways give rise to a more permanent right (depends upon the precise circumstances)… so pays to be careful even when being kind (worth checking with a lawyer where something like that is going to be a long term arrangement).

In my view, you did the right thing by your elderly neighbor and you’ve potentially shown more restraint than I would’ve done if they tried to tell me they’d bought my land. Might have told them to get off it and then taken action against them when they didn’t.

Anyway, you’ve done the right thing and they were particularly stupid building a garage without checking what they owned.

There may even be a misrepresentation issue depending upon what the sellers told them at the time of sale or something… but again that’s nothing to do with you and you’re absolutely right to enforce your rights. These sound like exactly the sort of people who would try to exploit your kindness to establish an inextinguishable right/easement etc over your property.

NTJ.” dronefinder

Another User Comments:
“Ugh, NTJ. They should have checked the property lines before buying.

I’m going to have to talk to my neighbors soon too. They constantly have loud construction going for tons of different projects and don’t always follow city protocol on what times they can construct, or build code. I and my roommates have been woken up at 4 Am with loud noises, often multiple days in a row, there are creepy builders on ladders who look into our yard and make inappropriate comments, etc.

Our house is a corner house. On one side of our fence is a small strip of grass which is ours which wraps around the side right up against the neighbor’s house. A lot of people think the main strip belongs to the city because it’s next to a sidewalk, but nope. The neighbors definitely think the bit next to their house is theirs too, and for once I don’t blame them as it’s right against their home.

My landlord had the property surveyed before we moved in.

These neighbors have a gross porta potty there and I guess someone else complained because now they have a hand sanitizer station there too. We haven’t complained about that being on our property but now they have started putting their workhorses, tools, drop cloths, paint buckets, brushes, random furniture, concrete slabs, etc along our wall and I’m tired of it. These guys have been so selfish.

Last June—august, when all neighbors were home they did such loud construction every day, all day that we couldn’t utilize the backyard. It caused a ton of stress and one of my roommates had an asthma attack when a billow of black smoke from something they were doing came into our yard and through our windows.” Rainingcatsnstuff

1 points - Liked by elel

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NeNe 2 years ago
Dont ever worry bout being a jerk when it comes to legal issues. Here, u hafta allow use for 20 years for a neighbor to claim ownership. Why lose your own land just to be nice?? Tell the neighbors to Gtfoh with their b.s
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5. AITJ For Asking A Customer Their Gender?


“I, 16( M) work at a sports store, part of my job is that when a customer buys a pair of skis is to fill up a form to be able to adjust the ski fix to the boot. In the form, I need to have the height, weight, age, and gender of the customer. To make sure that I don’t make mistakes, I usually ask the person (who I would assume is a female) if she’s actually a female.

I believe that since it’s for safety and information is needed to correctly adjust the fix, I feel as it would be better to make sure that the person is really the person that I think since I don’t want to make a customer mad. Usually, it makes them laugh or some have even been happy that I asked them just so it would be clear.

Today, as I usually would, I asked a customer if she was a female, my manager was beside her and didn’t say anything, she said that yes she was a woman. At the end of my shift, my manager stopped and told me that I shouldn’t have asked if she really was a woman. I was surprised since no customer has ever complained about my behavior, but as he said, he explained to me that she looked uneasy.

After that I asked why it was wrong, he proceeded to compare it as if I would’ve asked if a woman was pregnant. Then he ended it by telling me that if he told the store supervisor, I would’ve lost my job. I understand that if I would have asked casually while helping her choose her gear it would have been inappropriate, but since it was for a form I feel as if it was appropriate.

He also told me that I was too young to understand the gravity of my words, he told me that for a few other things also during the separated incident.

Since then, it’s been about 12h and I still doesn’t understand my mistake. I’ve narrowed it down to 3 options that I could’ve asked the customer. 1:Just assume and don’t ask the customer 2:do as I did and just make sure with the customer 3:ask each customer if they’re a male or female

I feel as if option 3 would feel way more awkward and option 1 would just make more problems if I make a mistake.

So, am I the jerk?

Edit: the gender is asked because it relates to a different chart, it’s also different between certain age groups. I don’t exactly know why but I’ve asked my technician at first since I also found it weird that I have to ask that”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s not that you have to ask, it’s how you’re asking. You could explain the form and just say ‘what’s your age? height? gender?’ Instead, you’re asking ‘Just to be sure, are you a male?’ (per your own comment), which would make most people uneasy.

This can come off in a lot of weird ways to different types of customers, and it can leave those who are/have transitioned feeling a bit helpless as to how to answer.

Just be a bit more conscientious of how you ask the question instead of continuing to assume and then asking if your assumption is correct. Besides, they could be buying skis for someone else anyway, and so it’s just easier to ask their gender instead of asking your assumption of their gender.” Hoop-dog24

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your manager is a weirdo and was super condescending, but also I think it might go over better if you ask the customers just ‘preferred gender.’ Asking male or female is awkward, if you’re gonna reduce it to two genders (not getting political here just saying) then you might as well just make assumptions and not ask.

If you open it up by saying ‘preferred gender’ then it won’t be as weird because it’s clearly an attempt to be inclusive.

THAT SAID I’m not sure why gender really matters at all, because you’re talking about the fit based on age, height, weight, etc. Not sure why gender really makes a difference, if someone is 5’7 and 150 lbs then why does it matter if they’re male or female?” Sapphire_Bombay

Another User Comments:
“It’s not as simple as picking out a shoe size.

Women’s boots are built differently to account for the location of women’s calf muscles. The skis are also built differently and bindings are mounted in a way to is more maneuverable for the average woman. The biggest thing is that gender can be used as a factor in determining how much to tighten the binding’s release. If you fall in such a way, your ski is supposed to pop off.

How much the binding gets tightened (the DIN) usually depends on age, height, weight, boot sole length, and skill level, but I have seen separate charts for men and women used as well. If the DIN is set too loose, you’re constantly falling out of your skis. If it’s set too tight, you might break your leg. Asking for the customer’s gender probably helps prevent a lawsuit in the latter case.” heathahR

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jasn1 2 years ago
You are not a jerk. I agree with the other poster: the problem isn't that you asked but how you worded it. I guess it has to do with gender identity. Ask your boss how you should get the information in the future without being offensive. Instead of "Are you a woman?" Just say I need a little information. Gender? Height? Weight? It is a delicate situation and I don't think you intended to offend anyone.
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4. AITJ For Leaving A Tip To Someone Who Owes My Husband?


“About 2 years ago, we had a neighbor whom I used to be close to. I’d look after her kids after school if needed and would dog sit for her while she was out of town. She would do the same for me if needed so it was no big deal.

She was talking about selling her home to move closer to her family and asked my husband if he would be interested in painting the outside of her home and garage in his spare time so she could put her house on the market.

She also asked for other projects to be done. They agreed on a price and everything seemed just fine.

She did pay him a small portion of the amount after he was finished with most of the house. It seemed like it would work out until he was almost done. She said she was leaving town for a few days and would pay the rest when she returned.

After she returned, she told my husband not to worry that she would pay she just needed to buy birthday gifts for her daughter. A couple of days later, her dog needed surgery. No big deal, we are understanding people about life’s hiccups. Fast forward a bit… we went out of town for a bit. When we came back, she was gone and a sign from a realtor was in the yard.

We tried to text her and call her but got the same excuses and she eventually changed her number. We counted it as a loss of about 2 grand.

Last night, we went to dinner at a restaurant near our house, and shockingly, our server was the former neighbor. It was the most awkward experience ever. She was polite, we were as polite as we could be.

(No, we didn’t ask her about amything.) It was just really uncomfortable. When we got the bill, my husband said ‘I’m not tipping her, she owes me a lot.’ I didn’t want to start an argument so I sat there quiet. As we were leaving, I tossed what coins I had on me onto the table. My husband gave me a nasty look and we rode home in silence.

So, am I the jerk here? I know that she owes my husband but all I can think about was ‘what if her kids need something? What if she’s hungry?’ And blah blah. My husband isn’t being a jerk or anything about it, he just said that I shouldn’t have done it because she ran off without paying him so I shouldn’t care about her financial situation.”

Another User Comments:

This was super disrespectful and humiliating towards your husband… things like painting the house are also physically difficult and he spent his free time doing it and she was extremely ungrateful by just leaving and changing the number without any normal explanation… plus she just sold the house and presumably for more than she would have if your husband didn’t help her so she definitely had some…

and even if she had some unexpected expenses she could’ve paid you back later or in installments… I’m pretty certain she never intended to pay your husband more than she did at the start just to motivate him to finish it and pretty much she used him… and here you are tipping this person… what’s wrong with you?” tinka-bx

Another User Comments:
“Technically I’d say YTJ… but jerk is a little strong.

It’s more that he worked on something for her based on an agreement and she disrespected that by stiffing him. You should have respected his wish to not give her coin. After all, she is technically stiffing you as well.

It reminded me of a story from when I was in high school.

My dad was a dentist. There was a semi-popular restaurant in our town he asked me not to eat at.

He did some really expensive work on a patient ($3K or so) who never paid him the balance. That patient owned the restaurant, so my dad said he didn’t want his going to his business until the guy paid. I was in high school, so didn’t really have my own income at the time.

One day, I came home from college and see they ordered take-out from that restaurant.

I asked him about it and he just said, ‘New owners’.” TwiceAgainThrice

Another User Comments:
“Oof. If she didn’t have the money, she shouldn’t have had him do the work. He was gracious enough to do the work in his free time, most people would ask for upfront, and obviously, both OP and her husband are kind, gracious, trusting people and she took advantage. Could she not have done monthly payments at least? Gave a little from her house sale? Even bought thank you gifts or something. She legit made excuses, left, and changed her number. She’s for sure the jerk, but so is OP for disregarding her husband’s feelings. She didn’t do the work, he did, and he’s out the amount that he’s owed. That’s a hard thing to forget and get over.” Dismal-Fox2678

0 points - Liked by really

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Mistweave 2 years ago
I feel like y'all should have tipped and then came back to serve her with legal papers to repay unpaid wages. She hired your husband to do a job and the amount of money makes it a felony.
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3. AITJ For Asking My Dad To Leave My Wedding?


“My parents are divorced and don’t get along (they did try to hide it from me but I was never blind). I lived two separate lives growing up but after I got engaged, I had dreams of having this big pretty wedding and I wanted my mom and dad to be a part of it.

I wanted to do all the traditional things (mom gets ready with me and dad walks me down the aisle etc.)

We were taking family pictures before the reception and I wanted a picture with my mom and dad and me.

Just one. I took ones with dad and his wife and my mom and her husband.

My stepmom refused and threw a tantrum and was like ‘You guys aren’t a family anymore’.

‘Your dad is married to me’ ‘You can’t be in a picture with just your mom and dad’ ‘Idc that it’s your wedding’ ‘It’s disrespectful to our marriage’.

My stepdad didn’t care because he doesn’t have a temperament of a toddler and my mom was willing to do it.

My dad however sided with his wife. I told him it was one picture that his daughter wanted to have a keepsake of  it to remember her wedding. He told me he loved me very much but that his wife wouldn’t be comfortable with it and so he couldn’t. He said he would love to take more pictures of all 5 of us (dad, mom, SM, and SD) and more of just me and him, but I declined

I told him that I no longer wanted to share the first dance with him at the reception and that I didn’t want to hear whatever speech he concocted because it would clear all be nonsense.

I told him he couldn’t even take a picture with me. He told me he understood even though he wishes he could do those things with me. I asked him to leave even though he really wanted to stay.

He called me crying the next day and wanted to talk. I told him the good thing he has another daughter (dad and stepmom’s kid) and the good thing he has the chance to be the father of the bride at one point.

He told me that I was not replaceable and if there was anything he could do to make it up to me. He was super remorseful and he doesn’t usually emote so I knew he wasn’t being manipulative. I was wondering if I was the jerk for making him leave because I guess it’s not his fault his wife is someone so insecure.”

Another User Comments:
“Darn you really told him to mess around and he found out.

NTJ. Soft ‘everyone sucks here’ because the toast was unrelated to the photos and you should have kicked out his wife. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place and his wife was in the wrong, he could have sided with you and had an argument on the way home or sided with her and ruined your photo. He chose the latter and you taught him that if you tap dance on thin ice it might break beneath you.

He should have taken his wife aside and told her to suck it up for five seconds for his daughter’s sake. It’s not like you were asking him to make out with your mom, it’s a photo.

But really the jerk here is your stepmom. People need to realize they are basically NPCs at someone else’s wedding and not everything is about how they feel. You can take a photo with your bio parents.

You can take a photo with the kids. You can take a photo with the priest. It’s your wedding. She resented the insinuation that your bio parents were the ‘real’ couple in your eyes but she needed to swallow that for your sake. ‘Disrespectful to my marriage,’ don’t make me laugh. Can’t think of anything more disrespectful to someone’s wedding than insisting that the bride not take a photo with her parents that you never have to see again.

INFO: Did you give your dad one last shot to do right by you? Did you tell him to get in the photo or leave the wedding? I think he might have done it if you let him know you weren’t messing around.” saintjimmy43

Another User Comments:
“His wife is insecure but HE is a total jerk for standing up to her and saying this is my daughter and a photo is a small request.

He has no backbone and has prioritized the wishes of his current wife over those of his relationship with his daughter. I wouldn’t have just asked him to leave. I’d have escorted him to the curb personally and told him to forget my number and my address – permanently.

It’s ONE day. If he can’t stand up to her selfish attitude and rampant insecurity for a few hours, then frankly, he deserves every bit of misery this toxic woman will inflict on him.

It’s the one time when he should have turned to her and said, this is my daughter, and today, SHE comes first. End of story.

And he didn’t. I can’t even begin to conceive how undermined, betrayed, and backstabbed you must feel OP.

Some people have this ridiculous idea that they can pull this garbage and ‘make it up to you later’. How do you make up for stabbing a bride in the back on one of the most important days of her life? Simple.

You can’t. The damage is done and can never be repaired.

If this is how his toxic baggage is going to behave over a wedding photo, imagine when you have children. Is she going to ban him from seeing them because they’re not of a daughter THEY created? I wonder how he’s going to react to that one. I’m sure it’ll be the meltdown seen from Alpha Centauri.

I hope you find some peace and can let it go so it doesn’t dog your steps but honestly if you don’t cut all ties, at the very least begin to seriously distance yourself. She may go overboard and complain about you incessantly, but what you never to hear (let alone get dragged into) hurts a lot less.” catpackmama

Another User Comments:
“YTJ a bit here. I understand wanting the photo.

But hearing your stepmom and knowing that it’s going to cause conflict for your dad’s relationship and insisting on it despite that… Then punishing your dad for not obeying your wishes. I get it’s your wedding but this wedding mentality of people being able to be reigning tyrants is out of control. You wanted a picture for memories now you don’t even have memories of your dad at your wedding.” Educational-Minute-4

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.

I know he could have just done it but at what cost? My stepmother would be the same and if my dad had taken the picture she would have made his life miserable for a very long time. She would never let it go and if she ever saw the picture she would start her thing all over again. She’s mentally unstable and will literally make him suffer for years over something like this.

If your one is the same then I can’t blame your father, yes he upset you but he doesn’t have to live with you. You will not throw this in his face every single day until the end of time. I hope anyway. If he’s a good man otherwise then please forgive him, he was in an impossible situation.” whynousernamelef

Another User Comments:
“A wedding is the couple’s day! Especially the bride.

You had every right to expect anything semi-reasonable. For SM to say you are no longer family with your dad, only her family is cold and heartless because she may become ‘not family’ with a divorce, but you will always be his daughter.

Now for what you said. Maybe not the best way to say it, but the high emotions on a wedding day for a bride may sometimes require forgiveness faux pas.

But we’re past the point of what you may have said especially since you didn’t start the drama.

Now I (sitting on the sidelines with no emotion attached) think the better way to say this is to state what the consequences of his actions would be if he doesn’t comply before passing a sentence on his actions. ‘Dad if you can’t stand by me on my special day and give me this picture that every bride wants in her wedding album of the people who brought you into the world, then you can leave with your wife since I’m not family to you!’

Now for how you can fix it with your father.

We need the picture in a pleasurable setting. Set up a dinner with your parents at an extremely nice restaurant (with or without steps) that has a sound system or band to play wedding music for your father-daughter dance. If step-mom comes; her directive is to be nothing but nice, gracious, and smile-loving acceptance. Everyone is dressed in wedding clothes and has a photographer available to take pics. If the hubby didn’t get pics with his parents, because of the drama, then invite them. Oh! And dad has to pay for all expenses even his and hubby’s tuxes and extra cost to get a photographer there and any transportation costs. After dinner and pics then you can give him a father-daughter dance.

Good Luck

NTJ.” SpruceGoose133

0 points - Liked by elel

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Theflamazing1 2 years ago
Ntj. Your stepmom is an ass. She should be ashamed but she won't be. My husband's ex is a horrible person. I can barely contain my disdain for her. But you better believe if their daughters or granddaughters want pictures with just them, I'm gonna graciously step aside without an issue. Cuz that's what adults do.
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2. AITJ For Making My Son Wash Cars For Free?


“So, my mid-teenage son is a good kid. I try to give him the freedom to make his own choices about how he spends his time and take an ‘as long as your grades are good, you’re kind and remember your manners then I trust you to make your own decisions,’ type approach. And it’s generally paid off as he’s happy, does well at school, has good friends, and is independent.

I’m very proud to call him my son. However, a few weeks back, he obviously made a dumb choice, as he came home in the back of a squad car having been caught with his pals damaging one of those public gyms you sometimes get in the park. We’re talking bending the stuff, damaging with rocks, graffiti-ing. Police turned up, the kids scattered, my boy got chased and caught.

Now, I wasn’t a saint at his age, but I’ve never seen the inside of a cop car. The police could tell it was an isolated incident and left matters there. Naturally, his mother and I were real unimpressed. Grounded. Phone confiscated. Doghouse. Now I didn’t want to over-react to this, it’s not like he was caught dealing illegal substances or attacking anyone, but I wanted to nip this in the bud and make sure this good kid remembers this with embarrassment as a successful adult, not see’s it as the first of many times he got caught breaking the law in a jail-cell.

I take community service seriously and have always tried to instill the sense of duty to help those less fortunate than us and to ‘give back’ when life is good to us. So I had the idea of having my boy write and post letters offering to wash the local neighborhood’s cars for free. He did something to damage the local community, and as punishment, he should do some service to the local community to make up for it.

He ended up spending a weekend washing about 30cars and I made him donate any tips he earned to the local shelter.

As far as I was concerned, that was the end of the story. The boy goofed. The boy got caught. Boy was punished and learned a valuable lesson. The boy is now forgiven and we can all move on.

However, one of the neighbors has taken a great, indignant exception to this and has gone as far as telling local authorities that I’m psychologically abusing my kids by naming, shaming, and subjecting them to ‘barbaric slave labor.’ I actually had to explain myself to officers who were called about this and even my boy explained to them what happened and why he was doing it.

I didn’t question it at all, I even figured it might give him the idea to keep washing cars on the weekend as this time I’d let him keep the tips he earned. I was confident it was a good piece of ‘old school’ parenting, but a few people we know agreed with the criticism so it’s got me wondering… AITJ for making him do that as a punishment?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ in my opinion.

If my kid did something like that I’d do the same thing. It makes sense to have him do community service for what he did. These kids need to learn, grounding doesn’t do much these days.” Substantial_Onion_50

Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I get where the neighbor is coming from when it comes to the potential for shaming here. But it doesn’t sound like you necessarily had him tell the neighbors why he was doing this, it would have just looked like a good deed.” mothertothemax

Another User Comments:
“Seems like a ‘see what a good parent I am’ post.

One of your neighbors told authorities? What authorities? The police? Seriously? C’mon…. for this nonsense, YTJ. I mean, you are going to end up being voted not the jerk, but I’m not really buying that some random neighbor was so angry that this situation that they called the police. Now, if you provide some sort of proof, some kind of official police report, a video of this busybody sticking their finger in your face and calling the cops and the cops asking you what’s going on, I will humbly eat crow.” SoImaRedditUserNow

-1 points - Liked by caal and elel

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Theflamazing1 2 years ago
Solma... you must be lucky enough to have never lived around crazy, nosy people.
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1. AITJ For Blaming The Girl For Not Letting Me See Her Work?


“I,(20f) am in uni and my second year. Since the first year, I’ve always had some issues with my timetable/clashes and I think some others did too. I also live far from campus so being anywhere on time is hard. Because of this, I ended up losing some time in certain classes. Thankfully lecture recordings exist. They are meant for people with disabilities but anyone can access them.

I was able to catch up on missed time thanks to some really helpful people giving me notes so I can copy them and make my own version.

Onto the issue. D (21f) is our course rep/leader or is a co-rep and leader. Basically, it’s their responsibility to feedback if anyone is having issues to the school council and department head. I found out I had a timetable issue again during my second year of term causing me to only start attending the topic halfway through a term.

I panicked once I heard how big of an assignment it was. During the remission period of class, I talked to some people about what we are meant to do and when it was due. D suggested I talk to my lecturer and ask for extra time. I asked if she could stay and ask with me. She said yes as she had stuff she wanted to ask herself.

At the end of the lecture, I noticed my phone was dying and left my charger at my dorm. So I rushed out of my class to charge my phone before my next class as my timetable was on my phone. I assumed D would repeat what I said to her to our lecturer.

When the day was done I asked D did she do what I asked.

She said she mentioned someone was struggling and that the lecturer requested I got in touch. I got annoyed at D for being vague and not mentioning me by name because things could have got done quickly and she just didn’t do what I asked. I didn’t reply because I was so annoyed with D, she’s a course rep it’s her responsibility to note when someone is not doing well.

In late Dec I messaged a few people in our course if I could have a look at their work and compare it to mine. They left me on reading or didn’t open my message. D tells me that she does not feel comfortable doing that so no and tells me ‘good luck I guess’. I go to type a message asking wtf is wrong with her why can’t she do me a favor it’s the least she could do seeing as she didn’t help the first time.

But she doesn’t open my message and I had no way to contact her. This really upset me as I thought she would help me.

I submitted my work in Jan, got my work this Friday. And of course, D got the highest mark and posted on social media to her family and friends how proud she is. I messaged her privately and called her a horrible person for not helping me and If she just helped me I wouldn’t have failed and been in this position.

I told her when she needs help, I won’t help her. She said she’ll never accept my help. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“Timetable clashes? Contact the Head of the course and/or your lecturer before term starts to inform them and try and find a solution – but at the very least, they’re aware of the problem going into the term and know you’ll probably end up making up some lost time via online recordings.

Live far away and so you’re late a lot? Tough – move closer. If that’s not a viable alternative, then leave earlier. It’s no one else’s fault but your own if you’re always late.

If you think there’s a possibility that you won’t remember your timetable, and understanding there’s always the chance of a phone dying, write your timetable down on paper.

Nobody owes you their hard gotten notes; it isn’t fair for you to always scab other people’s notes because you can’t pull yourself together enough for the responsibility of the self-managed school.

If you need extra help in managing yourself for one reason or another, there are always resources available to you, even if the university doesn’t provide anything that suits you, you can always reach out to your local school community – there is always something.

D wasn’t responsible to relay a message you didn’t even ask her to communicate – you said you were having problems, but you also said you were going to speak to your teacher.

You failed to speak to your teacher (many, many times over the course of the term, but especially in this one instance). She did her duty as a course rep by saying someone was struggling, but when the teacher said you should get in touch, you didn’t. You’re the only advocate for yourself and if you don’t stand up and speak for yourself, no one else will.

You waited until the last possible time and then asked others to look at the work to ‘make sure you were doing it right’, a.k.a you left it to the last second and needed to subtly copy some answers. D got good grades because she applied herself and put in the time and effort that you didn’t. She deserves to be proud of her grade in the same way you deserve whatever poor grade you ended up getting.

A very massive YTJ.” BetterSavings6

Another User Comments:
“YTJ big time. Lack of planning, preparation, or communication on your part does not constitute a crisis for somebody else.

Furthermore from personal experience (I am also a 2nd year and my college doesn’t have course reps but class reps and our job is often mistakenly seen as helping individual students out but it’s not, usually their role is to relay to the school or department the general consensus or concerns of the student body as a whole or if a student comes with a problem directing them to the necessary lecturer or department head – NOT fixing other students individual problems or concerns).

It is not D’s job to run behind you at college or make sure your academic life is in order.

In said situation, there were other solutions to your problem like emailing your lecturer after class and explaining your situation and asking for extra time or further details on the assignment or if they had any extra resources, etc. Of course, this still requires you to take initiative and responsibility for your life and your studies.

We all have things to deal with, your education is your responsibility.

Another thing, many Uni’s discourage students or even punish (ours does) for asking to see other people’s notes or sharing information for anything that must be submitted. They consider it plagiarism and intellectual theft and both parties (the original owner of said work and the other person) face penalties such as receiving 0 for work, being flagged on your permanent student record, or suspension/expulsion.

Long story short, your expectations were unrealistic and unreasonable.” Fit_Asparagus_7887

-2 points (2 vote(s))

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Gamergirl13 2 years ago
YTJ you had so mnay days to just go talk to your lecturer yourself. It's your life, your responsibility.
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